Want the Love of Your Life Back?

Buy the Mansion Closest to Theirs

Local resident, Jay Gatsby, returned from war nearly two years ago. One would assume

since Gatsby returned that his days of bravery and fighting were over. Unfortunately, anyone

who assumed this was wrong. The night Gatsby returned from war, he laid his poor little head on

his poor little pillow (get it, because he was poor). The ash from outside was blowing through the

cracks of his old house, distracting him from thinking about the love of his life, Daisy Buchanon.

Daisy is an attractive woman, don’t get me wrong, but come on Gatsby, it has been

years. She has moved on and you should too. Daisy, now married to Tom Buchanon, embodies

everything Gatsby was not. Daisy was rich. Gatsby knew he had to win her back, and what better

to do than make a bunch of illegal money and buy the mansion across the bay from hers?

Wealth does not come easy if you do it the legal way that is. Everyone at The Onion

spends 24/7 writing articles about things that are life or death, so basically celebrity gossip that

no one actually cares about for more than a day. If being in someone's business all the time

counts as legal, we make money the legal way. Speaking of legal, did you know selling alcohol is

not *cough cough, Jay, cough, cough.* I mean do what you have to do, but the organization

behind it all is a little much don’t you think?

Over the past two years, Gatsby has spent time building relationships and making money.

Sounds like the life if you ask me. You can only imagine the authenticity of the relationships. I’m

sure everyone loved him for his personality, not all of the money he was making. Eventually,

Daisy came around. The money glistened like the green light shining in her backyard. It is

hypnotizing. Hypnotizing enough to consider cheating on your husband at least.

Ah, yes. The relationship between money and relationships. The effect of one on another

is the reason the world goes round. It is the reason many people have multiple different “life
partners” (or maybe not life if you know what I mean). Nice cars and clothes would make

anyone fall in love. Being showered with jewelry and gifts would make me leave my husband

too. Basically, Jay Gatsby is the man, what can I say?

Our question is, how long can wealth influence a relationship positively, Jay? She loves

you for your money, everyone can see it. The Onion wants to give you some advice:

1. Money is nice, but it is not everything. Maybe take a break before you get caught

*hint, hint.*

2. She’s married. It might be a good idea to fight for someone who is not already

committed to someone. Or don’t. It only makes for a better story for us to cover.

3. While most of us at The Onion like you, your lack of awareness when considering

emotions is a little concerning. Maybe this is something you should talk to

someone about. If you do, can it be us? We have lots of things we want to know.

4. Love should be easy. You are working too hard for someone who doesn't love

you. Not to be blunt, but it is the truth. We are just looking out for you

Gatbsy, we want you to thrive. We want you to get the girl, but can it maybe be a person

who is not married, and has authentic feelings for you? While having money is fun, it is not

everything, so why don’t you send half of it to the office, we will split it up, and you can live

happily ever after, but with half of your income. Your money is negatively influencing your

relationships. Find better friends so we don’t have to pretend to be the only people who care

enough to give you advice.

P.S. We would appreciate an invite to your next party. Thanks in advance.