Harvard
Business
Review
Interpersonal Communication
Getting Back to the Basics of
Human Connection
by Edward S. Brodkin and Ashley A. Pallathra
October 28, 2021
Jonathan Kirn/Getty Images
Summary. While some of us may be eager to share our experiences with old and
new coworkers when returning to the office, others may not be ready to talk about
the emotionally searing experiences we've been through over the past year and a
half. We may even feel... more
Returning to in-person work can be a tricky process that comes
with a complicated mixture of feelings. Whether you're excited or
anxious about reentry, you can expect being around other people
to require a lot of energy that you probably haven’t had to expend
ina while. Why is in-person interaction such a drain, and how can
you muster up the energy to reconnect with your colleagues?While some of us may be eager to share our experiences with old
and new coworkers, others may not be ready to talk about the
emotionally searing experiences we've been through over the past
year and a half. We may even feel like different people than we
were in February 2020. At the very least, we've probably grown
more distant from each other and less accustomed to each other’s
rhythms. For those of us who struggle with social anxiety, this can
be all the more challenging. Add to that the extra energy needed
to get to know new people who were hired during the pandemic
whom you've only known virtually — or maybe you're that new
person, anxious about how to integrate yourself into your team in
real life.
Like the start of the pandemic, the transition back to in-person
work will require another period of adjustment. Some people may
not be ready for such an abrupt increase in the level of social
stimulation that in-person work demands. As a result, don't be
surprised if it’s notably more challenging to keep your attention
focused on conversations or tasks that used to be a breeze.
To reboot our in-person working relationships — and maybe
make them even better than they were pre-pandemic — it’s
helpful to go back to the basics of human connection. In our 2021
book Missing Each Other, we explore one of the most fundamental
social skills: attunement, or the ability to be aware of your own
state of mind and body while tuning in and connecting to another
person. It’s the ability to be “in tune” and “in sync” with both your
own feelings and others’ feelings over the course of the sometimes
unpredictable twists and turns of an interaction.
This is an endlessly useful skill, both in the workplace and in our
more personal relationships. Here’s how we describe it in the
book: “Attunement should not be viewed as simply fostering a
touchy-feely emotional connection with others, but as a unique
power — a power that enables us to perceive communications
from others, to connect and have our message understood, and to
manage conflict.”
In our own research and clinical experience, we routinely support
adolescents and adults on the autism spectrum with forming andmaintaining social connections. In doing this work, we've seen
that focusing on this foundational social skill of attunement is
very useful for improving the quality of interactions. And we've
found that it’s not only useful for people on the spectrum, but for
virtually anyone — ourselves included. We propose that
attunement can be broken down into four components, each of
which can be developed through regular practice.
‘The following four steps can help you manage the many feelings
you may have as you return to in-person work, ranging from
excitement to anxiety, and make your communication more
effective by increasing your chances of hearing and
understanding what others are trying to communicate to you, and
vice versa. They can also strengthen your capacity to stay in syne
with others, especially in awkward or difficult conversations.
Take time to prepare your nervous system.
Just before your next meeting starts, pause for a moment, tilt your
chin down, and feel as if your head is gently suspended from
above, which should give you a feeling of gentle lengthening of
your neck, Relax your shoulders down, Feel your belly expand
with your in-breath and relax back down with your out-breath.
‘Tune in to your environment. These steps can calm your nervous
system and make you feel more grounded and centered in the
present moment. It'll help you to give the other person your
undivided attention, which is a real gift in our world of constant
digital distractions.
We often take these steps ourselves before going into a high-
stakes meeting, cultivating a state of “relaxed awareness,” which
makes us feel better able to engage with the other person and less
caught up in our own worries and tension. Ideally, try to practice
these steps on your own on a daily basis. In doing so, even in the
course of your regular activities, you'll be much better able to call
upon them in the heat of the moment at work.
Listen to the other person — and yourself.
Pay attention to the other person’s cues. For at least a minute or
two, try to think of what they’re saying and expressing as the mostimportant thing to you. As you listen to them, check in with
yourself occasionally, to be aware of your own feelings, ranging
from emotions to physical sensations. If you sense tension in
yourself, go back to the previous step: Let your shoulders drop
and relax and take a mindful breath. Then return your attention
to the other person.
Listening well can be surprisingly challenging, especially when
you're tense or caught up in your own thoughts and distractions.
When you practice these steps regularly, though, you'll be able to.
gain clarity and hear what your boss or coworkers are actually
saying to you, rather than misunderstanding them due to anxiety
about what they might say or preoccupation with the outcomes of
the conversation.
Practice empathy.
Try to consider what the other person's experience or perspective
might be. All of our lived experiences differ in some way, so be
tolerant of the possibility that you may have different
perspectives. Consider what barriers you may face in trying to
understand the other person, like assumptions you may be
making about them, what you need from them, or your own
reactivity.
On the other hand, maybe your colleagues are silently navigating
pandemic-related challenges that are similar to your own
struggles. Consider those alternative or invisible explanations
when you're having trouble understanding someone. Cultivating
a level of self- and other-focused compassion can aid in
navigating conflict or disagreements more gracefully.
Keep expressing interest.
While our culture encourages us to be assertive and push our own
agenda, communication is often more effective when we start by
meeting the other person where they are mentally and
emotionally. You might let the other person start with their
agenda items or what's on their mind. By doing so with openness
and interest, you foster a greater connection and make it more
likely that they'll then listen to you, in turn. Try to stay in the flowof the interaction with them for at least for a few minutes, without
getting too stuck on your own worries, agenda items, or digital
distractions.
If this all seems like a lot to ask of yourself when you first start
seeing coworkers again, start by practicing these steps when
talking with your family members or trusted friends. With daily
practice, you can develop a “muscle memory” for the skills, which
makes it much more likely that you'll implement them in the heat
of the moment at work.
Of course it would be ideal if your conversation or meeting
partners were also working on these skills. But even if you're the
one who initiates them, your coworkers will probably notice and
appreciate your new way of relating to them. Feeling more heard
and met by you will have a positive effect and may inspire them to
be more open and responsive to you.
Don’t worry about being perfect at this. No one is, and we alll have
moments of miscommunication and falling out of attunement.
But with the skills we've described, you'll know that after a
momentary lapse, you can begin again and reconnect. Even just a
small improvement in these skills can have a major positive
impact on your working relationships.
Edward S. Brodkin, MD, is associate professor
of psychiatry with tenure and founder and
director of the adult autism spectrum program,
at the Perelman School of Medicine at the
University of Pennsylvania. His research lab
and clinical program at the University of
Pennsylvania focus on social neuroscience and
the autism spectrum in adults. He is coauthor
of the book Missing Each Other: How to
Cultivate Meaningful Connections.Ashley A. Pallathra, MA, is a clinical
researcher, therapist, and PhD candidate in
clinical psychology at The Catholic University
of America in Washington, D.C, Her current
research and clinical work center around
strengthening social competence and building
resilience in children and adolescents from
diverse community settings. She is coauthor of
the book Missing Each Other: How to Cultivate
Meaningful Connections.