Hudson Mann

LBST 2301

11/05/2023

The time is 1979, and you are 8. You live in a small mountain town neighborhood and your only
worry in the world is what mom is going to make for dinner at the end of your tiring day of
climbing trees, playing baseball, and riding bikes with all the kids in the neighborhood. But one
day you notice one of your neighborhood friends has a hole in his shoe. You ask why he is still
wearing those shoes despite them having holes. He blushes with embarrassment and you realize
why. Everyone in the town is poor but his family is just a few dollars short of everyone else and
can't afford new shoes for their son. You feel sorry for him and confide in your mother about
how that made you feel. Your mother is the most loving, gentle, strong, christian woman you
know. She takes this opportunity to do good. She immediately decides that her daughter's friend
is not going to be running around the neighborhood with his toes hanging out. She wanted to
help but there were some problems. Nobody knew the boy's shoe size and you couldn't just ask
him because his family would not want the charity, seeing it as just an unwanted handout as
people in the rural south are generally pretty headstrong about that sort of thing. She didn't want
to create contention but your mother needs to help. So she devises a plan. She tells you to gather
all the neighborhood kids for a special challenge. All the kids come over in front of your house
and your mother is standing not too far away from the street inside her home with the window
down. You explain the game. Everyone has to remove one shoe and on one foot, hop from here
to the stop sign and back. The winner gets the bag of Skittles your mom bought. Everyone takes
off a shoe, everyone lines up. And GO! They take off hopping on one foot toward the stop sign.
This is your chance. While their backs are turned you grab his shoe, run to the window, and hand
it to your mom. She quickly traces the shoe before you take it and return it to the pile all before
the neighborhood kids reach the stop sign and turn around. You and your mom later go to the
store and pick out a brand-new pair of sneakers that match the size on the paper. You wrap it up
in discrete packaging and leave it on the boy's doorstep anonymously.

This is the experience of my mother, Ann Mann, who loves to tell this story about her childhood
to demonstrate the type of person her mother was. This story is one of the few things I know
about my grandmother as she passed from cancer two years after the shoe story when my mom
was only ten years old. When conducting this interview I wanted to explore some of the claims
and theories that Haidt had discussed about happiness, relational attachment, and adversity, This
is why I wanted to interview my mom. Due to her mother's passing and the beautiful and full life
she lived following, she has plenty of experience and wisdom in all those areas.

Ann grew up in a very small coal town in the mountains of northeastern West Virginia. Her
family was large and she being the middle child of five children didn't get much attention.
Following her mother's passing she became very independent and ambitious. She grew up to
become a teacher. She taught 3rd grade for 11 years then sixth grade English since 2012. She got
married at 28, had me at 30, and adopted my two sisters from Russia at 38. My mother is a very
independent and strong woman but has a huge heart and loves to serve others. This is my
interview with her.

*note: this text was taken from a Zoom transcript and was condensed containing mostly direct
quotations but some summary. Bold text is my exact questions and in italics, her answers *

How did marriage change you ie how were you a different person while single and while
married?

The biggest way that marriage has changed me is in my thinking. I consider my husband, and
sometimes my children before I decide to do something whether it be big, like taking a trip with
friends or buying a new car, or trivial, like what to make for dinner.

What was the difference between dating and a marital relationship?

When dating, I guess my mindset was more about presenting myself as a good catch or total
package. So, I cared more about my appearance as well as questioning that the relationship was
meant to be. Once I was married, my focus was on how we would do life together. What’s my role
in this relationship? Where should we live? When do we want to start a family? Soon after
marriage, after the honeymoon stage passed, I realized that marriage done right, is NOT easy.
Selfish parts of me surfaced that caused contention. Doing life so closely connected to a spouse
will and should stir up dross in one’s life so partners can keep one another accountable to
becoming the best version of themselves.

Did anything change in your personality/perspective after having kids?

After children, my personality has become more guarded, protective, and less carefree. I’m
keenly aware that my actions may affect my children in good ways and bad.

What effects did your mom's passing have on you 10-17, 18-25, and 26-now? This obviously
includes the negative effects but also the neutral and if any positive effects it had on your
personality, perspective, and life approach?

When my mom died, I was at an age where peers were my life; what they thought of me and how
it fit into my social group was everything. I was heavily involved in sports and social life
throughout middle and high school, so I was constantly conscious of the absence of a Mom. I
noticed other mothers and their role with their daughters. My friend’s moms would ask about
their plans and what time they would be home. They would go to their basketball, softball, and
track events. For some reason I was embarrassed to let anyone know, even my best friend, that
my mom had died. I think because that would make me “different.” At that age, fitting in was
most important and me not having a Mom made me stick out.

After high school into college and the few years following, I changed a lot. I was less concerned
about what others thought about me and more about what I thought about me. I had a
confrontation with God and decided that I needed to make a decision about my faith apart from
the faith that my family had adopted. At that time in my life I slowly but surely allowed God to
permeate my life in areas that were hurting due to my mom’s absence. The need to be completely
and unconditionally loved and accepted was met in a way that Moms do and in a way that
surpasses the accepted from my friends. I felt whole. Yes, I still missed Mom at times, but the
thoughts of her made me smile and look forward to a time that I would see her again.

Going through the big events in my life like marriage, getting our first house, and having and
caring for my own children brought about thoughts of my mom from a different perspective. For
the first time, I began to realize what she was probably thinking and how hard it must've been to
be so sick and not able to be there for your husband and children. Realizing this created a
different aspect of sadness that I hadn’t known before. Not the hurt from me losing my mother,
but a hurt for her. There had to be moments of deep pain as she suffered in bed knowing that she
couldn’t be there for her family. Losing her has made me independent, thankful and
compassionate. It’s one reason I decided to adopt my two daughters.

I will always have those moments where thoughts of her or the absence of her brings tears to my
eyes, but it’s not overwhelming. It doesn’t consume me, but rather draws me near to my Creator,
knowing that she is in His presence, pain free and regret free. All things work together for the
good for those who love God, even the really hard things in life like losing your mama.

What has brought you the most fulfillment and also purpose in your life?

I know that teaching is a main purpose for my life. Whether it be teaching my own children,
friends, or my students and team, I find great fulfillment in sharing information that will help
others in some way.

Happiest moments in your life?

Playing outside as a child. Winning championships in softball. Dating my husband. Marrying my

husband. Having my son. Adopting my daughters. Teaching when the class is one hundred
percent engaged. Laughing with my friends.

Things that have brought you the most happiness.

Being in nature, great conversations, spending time with family and friends with good food and
drinks. Seeing my children become who they were created to be.
As previously mentioned I wanted to look at three different themes Happiness Hypothesis, love
and attachments, adversity, and happiness. My first three questions were about love and
attachments. The fourth is about adversity and the final three are about happiness.

A trend I noticed in the love and attachments section of the interview is the theme of being
connected in relationships. There was a central trend in every answer which stated that once in
those attachment relationships there was an aspect of selflessness, care for others, and looking
out for the good of the group rather than the individual. This trend is supported by Haidt's
commentary on true love where true love is that of attachment and submitting yourself to the
group.

I was very interested in hearing my mom’s perspective on her mother's passing as she has never
in my 22 years talked much about it. My mother is a very emotionally stable and stoic woman.
Not at all in an unloving or noncaring way but for reference I have never once seen her cry. She
is just not an emotional person. I was blown away by how much depth she went into and the
response she gave actually brought a bit of a tear to my eye. It's clear to see the ways in which
that situation affected her as it likely is the reason she has grown up to be so independent and
emotionally in control because she had to learn that at such a young age. It was also interesting
to see the correlation between age and trauma response as Haidt discussed. She is a real world
example of the things we read about.

Finally, we discussed happiness. I essentially asked the same question three times but asked it in
different ways to see if there was any correlation/overlap between purpose, temporary joy, and
lasting happiness. ALSO FLOW. I was so happy when she began to discuss her teaching and she
even said one of the most fulfilling and happiest moments was when she, as the book described
it, experienced that flow through her love of teaching others. Also, it was seen in her answers
that there was a correlation between purpose and happiness but they are not exclusive. The two
seem to be correlated but not necessarily causation.

Overall this was a fantastic experience, not only because I got to see the things in the book be
given real-world examples but because I got to talk with my mom and learn all those things
about her that I didn’t know. I am very grateful for this experience!