My name is Sri Radhe Dasi, I am an initiated disciple of

HH Indradyumna Swami, I was born and raised in

Durban, South Africa. My father passed away when I
was 6 months old. My mother struggled a great deal,
with no assistance, to raise my brother and I.
I was involved in Krsna Consciousness from a young
age, and was fortunate to get a lot of inspiration and
fatherly attention from HH Indradyumna Swami during
my youth and teenage years. HH B.B Govinda Swami
was also very kind to me, and acted as my spiritual
uncle. However, when I came of age they both
distanced themselves from me somewhat, and our
relationship became a lot more formal. That transition
was both confusing and painful for me, but over time I
was able to understand and accept it.
In 2000, through Govinda Swami, I met Bhaktividya
Purna Swami (BVPS) in Vrindavan. I was inspired to
hear about the Gurukula project, and later on that year
I met BVPS again on the Polish Tour, attended all of his
classes, and started inquiring more about what life was
like in Sridham Mayapur. After the Polish Tour, I
returned home and enrolled in a Bachelor of Law (LLB)
program at the University of Natal. After studying for a
year, I grew more frustrated, and decided that I
wanted to do something more meaningful with my life.
After consulting with BVPS via email, I decided to move
to Sridham Mayapur and assist with the development
of a curriculum for the Bhaktivedanta Academy
Gurukula. I wanted to do something to please Srila
Prabhupada and this sounded like a worthy cause.
In Mayapur, I worked directly under BVPS. He
encouraged me to adopt his version of vedic culture,
and presented his views on: women, men, society, and
the Mayapur community. He supported and praised my
devotional efforts, and told me that I was the most
useful disciple of his, amongst so many useless ones.
Specifically, BVPS told me that marriage was
complicated, and that most men are untrained and
lusty. He told me to dress more appropriately and
cover my body from head to toe, by always wearing a
sari and petticoat, always tying my long hair up tightly,
and always covering my head with the pallu. This was
fairly standard for Mayapur, but he took it further and
encouraged me to fully cover my face with my sari,
when in public, like Rajasthani village ladies do when
they are out. I was told it was a sign of shyness and
chastity. My friends ridiculed me for doing it, but I was
convinced of what BVPS presented, and so I carried on
un-deterred.
BVPS then brought me closer into his working circle
and we began to work together on writing a curriculum
based on the Manu Samhita and other dharma-type
sastras. BVPS expressed interest in understanding the
energy between men and woman, and BVPS, his
servant, and myself would often discuss topics until
midnight in the Grhastha-area apartment he was
staying in. This all happened prior to the girl’s school
getting started. In one of our late-night conversations,
BVPS discussed the difference between “sensuality”
and “sexuality,” and he mentioned that the feeling of
an orgasm is equal to a sneeze, because the body
freezes up and then relaxes. Being a young girl and
inexperienced in the ways of the world, I often had no
idea what he was talking about, but I would pretend to
know and pay close attention, so that he would be
happy with me. As a child, I had learned that if the
spiritual master is pleased with you then Krsna will be
pleased, because the spiritual master is the
representative of God. I had even learned that if a pure
devotee touches you, that one becomes purified by
that touch. More than anything, I wanted to please the
spiritual master (BVPS), and by doing that to ultimately
please Krsna.
After living in Sridham Mayapur for a while, I wanted to
be married. When I subtly mentioned this desire to
BVPS, he told me that I was too good for any man. I
was bewildered by his response, but tried to accept it.
With time though, it was getting more and more
uncomfortable for me to be unmarried. At the temple,
local brahmacaris use to follow me around, and even
try to inappropriately touch me. I told BVPS about this
and he said that he would deal with the brahmacaris
but that I should go and pray to Advaita Acharya to
remove any extra sensual energy I have. BVPS said
that my feminine energy was more than others and he
said that Advaita Acharya is empowered by Lord Siva
and can help me tone down my energy so that others
won’t notice me as much. He taught me about eye
contact, explaining how different energies come from
the eyes, and he told me how to control that.
Then, some mothers expressed that their children
needed more spiritual education, and so BVPS started
running regular Mantra and Mahabharata classes with
the community kids. These classes were open to both
boys and girls. The mothers who sent their daughters
appreciated the classes so much, and they requested
him to open a school for girls. Soon after, BVPS
requested me to start a girl’s gurukula, so that girls
could also get an opportunity to study vedic culture in a
traditional environment. The first year of running the
school was stressful and intense, but it was also a very
rewarding experience for me. I didn’t have any formal
teaching training, but I loved being around kids and
BVPS said that as I learn I can teach. Whatever I
learned from him with regarding vedic culture on a
given day, I would then teach to the 5 girls we started
with. Realising that they needed basic academics as
well, I would also teach them whatever I remembered
from my primary and secondary years. I taught the
younger girls (aged 5-7), how to read, write, and
count.
After my CPO case in 2015, Mayapur Radhika dasi, one
of my first students and a dear friend, told me that the
first year of school had been amazing and she wanted
to know what changed after that. At that time, I was
not in an emotionally healthy enough space to share
my full story with her. I also felt I was being unfairly
treated by the CPO office and because of that I didn’t
feel safe beginning to open up to them either.
However, recently (mid-December 2021), everything
changed, when I found out about the sexual abuse that
Mayapur dasi experienced at the hands of BVPS. Once I
found out about that, I realised that I could no longer
remain silent, because it wasn’t just about me
anymore. Below is what happened to me in the early
years of the school.
BVPS was my mentor and he trained me in all things
vedic. He coached me with how to deal with parents,
and he established every single policy we had at the
girl’s school. Many parents were overjoyed to have
somewhere for their girls to study. Unfortunately, some
parents considered that the school freed them of all
responsibility to personally parent their children.
When the school first opened, Mayapur dasi and I
bonded almost instantly. I was 19 years old at the time
and she was 13. After some months of being together
in school, Mayapur’s mother and father went abroad for
many months to collect money, and whilst they were
away she stayed with me and we grew even closer.
She had the absolute best attitude and it was such a
pleasure to teach her, and even just to be in her
company. She was incredibly bright, intelligent, and
hard working.
At the time, BVPS was extremely involved in the
development of the girl’s school. He wanted the school
to operate from mangala arati until 6pm, 7 days a
week, so that the girls would get a full gurukula
experience, just like the boys had. Later on, he gave us
some ‘luxury’ facilities though, like a fridge and AC
unit, because he said that only men can survive
extreme austerity.
In the beginning, the mothers who were more
supportive, and who knew how to cook, would bring
lunch every day. But then that gradually decreased and
eventually stopped, as I think perhaps they got tired of
doing it. Some of the mothers pushed for more
academics, while others pushed for more spiritual
activities. It was quite overwhelming for me.
One of the mothers told me that she couldn’t really
respect me as a teacher because I was just a child
myself, and that even her eldest son was older than
me. Others told me they were praying to Krsna to give
me the intelligence to be a better teacher. These ladies
were mostly in their late 40’s, and even though they
clearly understood my limited capacity, they still just
dropped their daughters off to school each day and left
me to figure everything out by myself.
BVPS could also see the pressure I was facing from
some disgruntled, albeit uninvolved, mothers. He could
see that I was floundering too. His response was to say
that there were no qualified woman in the community
to teach vedic culture to the girls, and that he would
have to personally teach these things. He began by
teaching me to how to cook, so that we weren’t
dependent on the mothers for lunch, and also because
he said that cooking is a great skill to have. Cooking
was new to me, and quite challenging to do under
pressure. When I made mistakes BVPS would become
extremely upset and use harsh words to correct me.
He started spending more and more time at the school
saying that he had to show us the way. He taught
mantra, philosophy, cooking, cleaning etc. At some
point he started eating with us, and then shortly
thereafter he started napping at the school after lunch
as well.
By this point, the pressure of looking after the girls
single-handedly, teaching and studying full-time, taking
care of the administration, working on financial
difficulties, dealing with unhappy parents, and
internally desiring to be married, overwhelmed me. I
started to have panic attacks and intense stomach
aches. It all just became too much for me to handle.
BVPS encourage me to respond to the pressure by
becoming stronger and more callous towards the
outside world. He would explain to me in detail how to
talk strongly and what to say to parents. He praised me
and said I was protecting the gurukula and vedic
culture. Being recognized and praised by him made me
feel better about the difficulties I was facing. He was a
senior sannyasi and leader in the movement, and I
thought that I was pleasing Srila Prabhupada by
following all of his instructions, even if they put me at
odds with some in the community.
BVPS gradually started spending more and more time
with me, after school was over for the day and after
the girls had gone home. He would advise me on how
to improve the school, how to preach to the mothers,
and also how to train the girls in chastity etc. The girl’s
school became more and more insular during this time.
BVPS put a huge fence around the campus to protect
the girls from pilgrims and outside onlookers. All our
windows always had the curtains drawn so that things
were more private.
One day I had an unbearable pain in my stomach which
I think had been caused by stress and anxiety. I was
laying down on the mattress after the morning mantra
class. BVPS asked me what was wrong. I told him. He
said he could massage my stomach with reiki to help
with the pain. I was somewhat uncomfortable with this
prospect, but was in a fair bit of pain and consented. I
honestly didn’t think too much of it, especially because
one of the mothers was right behind us in the kitchen.
But then, BVPS covered his hands with his chaddar
whilst massaging my stomach, which seemed weird. I
started to feel very uncomfortable by the way he was
touching me, but I was in pain and convinced myself
that it was just fatherly concern on his part.
That evening after school finished at 6pm, BVPS came
over again. I was staying all alone in the big library
building. After speaking for a bit, he again offered to
massage my stomach with reiki and I got nervous and
didn’t know what to say. I froze. He said to lay down
on the mattress and he started massaging my stomach
but then slowly after he started moving his hands
upwards saying that maybe gas is trapped in my solar
plexus. I didn’t say STOP or NO, or try to stop him. He
then started touching my breasts. I was shocked by
this, but he told me he was just exploring “energy.” He
explained that as a teenager he had a girlfriend but
was not interested in sexual intercourse, but that the
sastras explain the “energy” of the breasts and that he
wanted to understand it. He asked if it was okay if he
could continue touching me. I was stunned. I literally
didn’t move. I felt paralysed. My mind was racing. I
didn’t even think it was “abuse” really, until just
recently, because he wasn’t being forceful or physically
aggressive, but I felt so incredibly scared and
uncomfortable. He said he was happy that I allowed
him to understand better how the “energy” in the
breasts work and that he was very pleased and
thankful. At some point while touching me he suddenly
grabbed his dhoti where his genitals were and ran off
to the bathroom. I had never had any sexual
experiences prior to this and didn’t realise that what
had happened is that he had ejaculated. He just said
he had to pee. While laying there frozen, I panicked
and cried, and panicked more, and then convinced
myself it was all “in the sastras,” and it was nothing
sexual, as he had so carefully explained to me. I felt
foolish and petrified at the same time, but didn’t say
anything. He left, and I took a shower and cried myself
to sleep.
As the days passed by, BVPS started to read and study
Kamasastra. He said it was for research purposes so he
could explain sensuality and sexuality better to
grhasthas because as a sannyasi he didn’t have much
practical experience. He studied a lot on what to do
and how to touch a woman’s breasts in order to give
her the most pleasure. He would describe his findings
like the use of gentle scratches, or soft rubbing of the
nipples, and then he said the highest pleasure for a
woman is if her breasts were sucked. He said he
wanted to do all those things to me to see if the
sastras were true. Again, I was stumped, scared,
confused, and very afraid to say no, and also from his
“gentle” presentation and use of sastra he assured me
that his intentions were “pure.” Although I felt horrible
and strange inside, I did not stop him. I don’t know
why. I was scared, but just went along with his ideas.
His sexual exploration went on for many days. I was
petrified of being labelled a slut. Bhavananda Prabhu
already publicly referred to our school as a harem
because it was all girls. And so with the sexual abuse I
was now facing, which I did not acknowledge as abuse
at the time, I was too scared to speak up and face
being publicly ostracised by the Mayapur community.
I had been told to live all alone in the girl’s gurukula
building because gurukula meant “place of the
teacher,” so I had to live in the place where I taught.
BVPS had a key and would come almost nightly. The
toilet and hand pump facilities were all downstairs and
outside and regularly there were snakes, frogs, rats,
spiders etc, which I was so afraid of. In some twisted
way I felt safe when he would come at night, and I
would go down to use the toilet and take a quick
shower because it felt safer that someone was at least
upstairs and close by. I was so torn. On one hand the
company he provided allayed my fears and anxiety, but
on the other hand I was very confused and afraid of
the sexual exploration he was doing with me.
Once, I finally got the courage to question what he was
doing with me and why. He then convinced me that we
were best friends, that we understood each other and
that he can give me the best of both worlds, material
and spiritual. Again, he emphasised that there was no
need to get married to some useless man and suffer in
married life. He felt I could get everything I needed
from him. He said that our dealings were “more than
normal,” but that others would not understand and
would criticize, and even try to put a stop to it, so best
to keep it secret. He also quoted stories from sastra
showing how some elevated persons can deal
intimately with women and not become agitated. He
mentioned that Ramananada Raya associated with
young girls and massaged them, as well as the great
personality Arjuna, who when disguised as a eunuch
dealt very intimately with girls and never got agitated.
He explained that it wasn’t lust, but just a deeper
understanding of masculine and feminine energies. I
was so inexperienced, young and very foolish, that I
actually believed all the twisted sastric evidence that
BVPS presented. He was so convincing that I started
believing him and thought it was normal, and I also felt
special and protected.
One time I injured my shoulder so I could not use the
hand pumps to take a bath. BVPS found out and
immediately offered to come over to bathe me. Before
I could even agree, he had already come over and I felt
so afraid and incredibly uncomfortable, but he assured
me that there was no lust involved, and if I didn’t
shower and get ready on time the mothers and
community would think I was unqualified to head the
school.
He would play on my fears and insecurities, and at the
same time I was getting all this love and attention
which I desperately wanted. It was a very confusing
situation and I started getting more and more
psychosomatic illnesses: intense stomach pains and
asthma. Several times at night, I had anxiety attacks
and once it got so severe that my friend Radha
Madhava Dasi had to come over late at night and do
mouth to mouth resuscitation on me because I had
stopped breathing and passed out. She and her
husband Subheksana Prabhu then rushed me to
Krsnanagar Hospital and I was put on an IV drip.
I don’t exactly remember when, but at some point
BVPS wanted to explore more than breast touching and
then he started touching my vagina and asking me to
touch his genitals. I didn’t know anything about sexual
dealings, so he showed me how to masturbate him. As
soon as he reached the point of ejaculation he would
grab his penis because he said that losing semen was
not good for his tejas. He said brahmacaris should
never lose semen as it makes them weak. He would
then rush off to the bathroom, and wash himself
carefully. He said to always also wash one’s feet and
that we must always remain clean after such activities
so that ghosts won’t attack me when sleeping. He
encouraged me to always bathe after, to remain suci.
He would even put his woolen chaddar on the mattress
before touching me so that the sheets would not
become contaminated. He insisted it was still all about
the exploration and understanding of “energy,” as
described in the sastras. Once he asked if he could put
his penis on my breasts to see if he felt any different
sensation. The next day he told me that he thought
about it a lot and it was wrong for him to put his penis
on my breasts because paramatma lives in between
the breasts so it was offensive to the Lord sitting there,
and therefore he wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that
to me again. The next thing he wanted to explore was
oral sex but he said that he will do it to me but I should
not do it to him because chaste women never put dirty
things in their mouths. He also said that the sastra
says that if a woman swallows any semen she will lose
her sweet singing voice and he wouldn’t want that to
happen to me. I felt more and more disgusted with him
and myself. I felt ashamed and afraid. I often felt like
jumping in the Ganga to finally end my pain. I couldn’t
see a way out. I would profusely pray to the Deities to
help me and night after night I would cry myself to
sleep. I was dependant on BVPS for everything. My
service, my position as head of the school, emotional
and mental health, and the way I was maintained
financially, everything. He would also buy me lots of
nice saris and ornaments and paid for all my travel
expenses and visas etc.
Later, I saw that when Ahladini Mataji spoke up about
her inappropriate relationship with Pankajangari
prabhu, I witnessed how she was treated and
ostracized and abused by the local Bengali community.
That again convinced me to remain silent at all costs. I
was too scared of being attacked by BVPS supporters.
Since childhood, Mayapur dasi had a very affectionate
relationship with Pankajangri Prabhu. She would get
tight hugs from him called ‘pancakes’ and one time I
saw him put a burfi in his mouth and he told Mayapur
to also take a bite whilst it was still in between his lips.
These things were not normal at all but I was trained to
think that they were, so I also thought that what BVPS
was doing to me was “okay.” I always tried to
understand whether it was normal, or sensual, or
sexual. My view was so warped at the time that
nothing made sense and I was consumed and silenced
by fear.
One time after the GBC meetings HH Sivarama Swami
came over to the girl’s school for lunch. Sivarama
Swami arrived earlier than expected and BVPS was still
cooking in the kitchen with me. It was hot in the
kitchen so BVPS was bare chested, without a chaddar
or uttariya on. Sivarama Swami got very upset at BVPS
and spoke very heavily to BVPS saying that it was
completely inappropriate for a sannyasi to be in that
situation with a young lady, and instructed him to
immediately stay away from the girl’s school. I was
literally shaking thinking that now I will be in serious
trouble and lose everything, but another part of me
was secretly hoping I did. BVPS left when all the other
GBC members left but later that evening he returned. I
was petrified and BVPS said that Sivarama Swami did
not understand BVPS’s mood and good intentions. He
emphasised that all he was trying to do was train the
girls but others didn’t have the vision to see it. For
whatever reason, I can’t remember exactly, but this
was a turning point for me. I started thinking that
perhaps everything that was going on was actually
wrong. That I was being manipulated and used. I
thought that if Sivarama Swami got so upset by seeing
BVPS cooking with me how would he react to the other
dark secrets.
This sexual and emotional abuse I experienced kept on
going for some years. I think around 4 to 5 years or
starting around 2004 or so, all the while with the
philosophical justifications and the putting down of
other men when I expressed my desire to be married.
Looking back, I honestly don’t know how I survived. I
was so broken. Even now in this present moment, as
I’m writing this report, while my kids are asleep, I’m
suddenly having to run to the bathroom to throw up
and I’ve suddenly gotten severe diarrhoea. My head
hurts, I feel worthless and empty. It happens
automatically, just by thinking of what happened. Back
then, this used to happen all the time too, almost daily.
My coping mechanism was to make myself appear
externally very strong, as BVPS had trained me to. The
daily sexual abuse made me irrational and unstable
though. I would lash out at the simplest of things like
milk being spilt or lunch being late. I was so disgusted
with myself and felt very low and physically weak, and
I coped with it by treating others poorly. BVPS began
speaking very harshly to me about all the internal pain
I was experiencing. At that time my intelligence and
better judgement was completely clouded, or maybe
even non-existent. I expressed time and again to BVPS
how much I was suffering, but he said it was normal to
feel like this and that with time it would pass, as Krsna
is Time. He encouraged me to remain silent.
I was basically a physical and emotional wreck. My
relationships with the girls started getting strained as I
started being very heavy with some of the older girls,
especially Mayapur dasi. They did not deserve such
unfair treatment and I always felt so sad in my heart
afterwards. I was incredibly isolated and alone. If
anyone tried to point out to BVPS any flaws with me or
the school he would immediately shut them down.
Many, many devotees, including seniors saw that
things were not proper but they were all too scared to
speak up to BVPS.
BVPS kept convincing me that I did not need to marry
as all my desires could be fulfilled as long as we kept
everything a secret. I was getting more and more sick.
I guess my mind and body were shutting down. Again,
I was hospitalised.
BVPS’s close god-brothers started to pressure BVPS to
distance himself from me and the girl’s school but he
wouldn’t. I was labelled a sannyasi lover and this led to
more repressing of what had happened, and I was
afraid I would be sent back to South Africa. I don’t
know why I was afraid of this, maybe because the truth
hurt so much, and that I wouldn’t be able to face my
mother. BVPS ensured me that would never happen
and he would even consider giving up his asrama to
protect me and the school. Little did anyone know what
was actually happening to me. He pointed out that in
ISKCON it’s always the woman’s fault. This led me to
become even more afraid and secretive.
Another point that comes to mind, although I’m not
sure of the exact timeline because some of these things
happened like 19 years ago. Somehow, BVPS was
always present even when the girls were sick and not
properly dressed. I felt very uncomfortable with him
being there and asked him to leave but he wouldn’t. He
insisted that he was only there to help since he had
more experience dealing with sick children. I felt
powerless that I could not stand up to him. Then, he
also wanted us to study Thai massage. For a whole
week he could barely walk because he suffered from
pain in his sciatica, so he would get us to massage his
sciatica. He would show us how to massage. He said it
was purely medical and a good skill to have and
practice. I felt sorry for him because he looked like he
was in genuine pain. It made me extremely
uncomfortable though, and I didn’t feel it right at all,
but I had bought into what he taught. I was so
influenced by him, that I believed every single thing he
said.
I then started desperately seeking out a husband who I
thought could rescue and protect me. I realised how
alone I was and thought that I would kill myself if I
couldn’t escape the pressure, the sexual exploitation,
the philosophical explanations…Everything.
My now husband once again visited Sridham Mayapur
at some point and I begged his father, Naresvara
Prabhu and BVPS (they are best friends) to get me
married to him. Finally, because of the outside
pressure, BVPS agreed. After years of having tried to
convince me otherwise. Before marriage BVPS
convinced me not to have kids which meant not to
have a sexual relationship with my future husband. He
re-iterated how gross and overrated sex was, even
though he hadn’t ever had sexual intercourse. I had to
convince my future husband that I didn’t want kids
which he fought me on it for a while, not knowing my
real intentions, but finally after many phone
conversations he understood that I would be a good
wife to him so he agreed, and then BVPS gave his
approval. I would have agreed to anything just to be
free. I thought marriage would free me. My husband
was so kind and supportive I finally felt like a human
again.
As our relationship developed, I learned about the
awful childhood experiences my husband had gone
through. He was put in gurukula at the tender age of 4
years old. He was first sexually abused at the age of 6
in the New Govardhan Gurukula and then he was
moved to the Mayapur Gurukula at the age of 8. From
age 8 to age 12 again he was sexually abused by older
boys and teachers, brutally raped in the bathrooms,
left with a bleeding backside and then fed soya subji as
a bribe to keep quiet. He was made to perform oral sex
on older boys and was fondled by teachers. He was
caned by BVPS and other teachers. He was beaten with
sticks by senior monitors and punched and slapped
around like a punching bag by a group of older boys
who circled him. Once because he did not wake up for
mangala arati, his teacher Radhe Shyam das threw him
into the pukur (pond) while he was inside his sleeping
bag, asleep. He woke up under water gasping for air,
grabbing and searching for the hole in the sleeping
bag, so he could swim out. He thought he was going to
drown. When he was 11 years old he lost his right eye
from swimming in dirty water. He only received
medical attention weeks after walking around half
blind. He had infective arthritis in his knee and could
not walk for some weeks, again after not receiving
medical attention until it was too late.
Because of all the horrible inhuman abuse he was put
through in ISKCON schools, after completing high
school, and getting a university degree in health
science he came back to Mayapur Dham to help
improve the boy’s gurukula.
Years after my husband and I were married, I found
out that BVPS had put enormous pressure on my
husband during our engagement. BVPS told him that
he should not touch me as I was too pure and would
freak out with anything sexual. It is so insane that
BVPS would say such things knowing how he himself
was sexually abusing me. My husband believed him
and kept a noticeable distance from me. I became
convinced that I was worthless and unattractive. I
thought he wasn’t at all attracted to me just as I was
told over the years by BVPS how strange men are, but
later on I came to know that he was also coached by
BVPS to behave in a certain way towards me. This led
to so many problems in our marriage.
Even after I was married, BVPS still tried to touch me
until one day I finally found the courage and
threatened him that I would tell my husband if he
didn’t stop.
I thought I would get married and my husband would
rescue me. But he had no idea what was going on and
came into the situation getting coached by BVPS as
well.
BVPS had stopped his sexual abuse of me, which gave
me some relief, but out of fear I still kept the abuse
secret from everyone, including my own husband. Still,
after getting married, my husband and I were able to
get BVPS away from the school and stop him from
teaching the girls. We got more qualified teachers
involved. We had regular teacher meetings to discuss
how to improve the academic classes. We changed the
long schedules, and included more holidays and
created a school board, consisting of different
teachers/parents.
Unfortunately, I was still haunted by all the severe
trauma, and constantly functioned in a flight and fight
mode. From a school’s perspective things started to
improve. But this was also the time when things with
Mayapur dasi and I worsened. Because she was a
senior girl, and also my sister-in-law, other girls saw
how poorly I treated her and it disturbed them.
Because I was so troubled, I took my pain out on
others, and became cold and heavy with the girls for
any infraction. I felt so at fault and so dirty and still
had to cry myself to sleep at night. It was still so
intense.
I felt I couldn’t tell my husband what I had been
through. I was afraid of persecution, we had no money,
no home, and simply served the gurukula. I felt
obligated to the girls as well. I tried my best to love
and treat the girls as my own children, but looking
back I can see clearly how my un-processed trauma
negatively impacted all my interactions with others.
My relationship with Mayapur dasi had originally been
good. In fact, she saved me many times, as when her
mother was away she stayed with me at the school and
BVPS would not come at night to abuse me. Sometimes
I would even lie to BVPS and say that Mayapur was
staying over, even when she wasn’t.
I only found out what Mayapur went through a few
months ago, and now that I know I can see why she
started drifting away from our relationship. At the time,
I had thought it was solely because of her mother or
her rough marriage, and I started lashing out at her,
because I felt abandoned by her.
After I got married, Mayapur started to get very sick
and her mother started blaming me saying that I was
over-working her. Mayapur had stomach issues (only
after many tests did we find out that she had a huge
tapeworm), she couldn’t hold any food down, and was
in a lot of pain. Her mother was upset at me and I
reacted poorly to it, and i spoke very harshly to
Mayapur too. I regret this tremendously now, and even
at the time I knew it was wrong. I apologised to
Mayapur years later, but it was too late and she was
too hurt. Because of the trauma I went through, and
my own pain, I treated her very harshly and very
unfairly. This was one of the GREATEST mistakes of my
life, and I will always regret it.
I think Mayapur’s health issues must have started
around the same time that BVPS started abusing her. I
can’t say exactly for sure, because I only found out a
few months ago that she had even been abused. I had
always thought that it was only myself that was abused
and that no one else suffered this shame but myself.
Maybe when BVPS stopped abusing me, he began
abusing Mayapur. If I had spoken up when it
happened, then BVPS wouldn’t have been able to hurt
Mayapur. Because of my cowardice and silence, she
suffered abuse, and when I found out last year in
December 2021, what BVPS had done to her, I was
filled with a rage like I had never felt in my life, and I
wanted to attack him. Then, for 2 days I was in
complete shock, I didn’t eat, sleep, or drink. And then
shortly after that, when I could not hold onto the guilt,
shame, and pain any longer, I tried to hang myself.
My husband had no clue about what BVPS has done to
me and he took it very hard. He was in so much shock
that he had a mini-stroke and passed out while driving
on the highway. I thought we would crash because he
lost all control in his hands, legs and face. With my
help, somehow we managed to pull the car over to the
side lane. I jumped out of the car on a six-lane
highway, waving my hands in the air, shouting for help.
No one stopped and my husband started frothing at the
mouth and his eye started rolling backwards. Both he
and I thought it was the end. Then, I don’t know how,
but a car finally stopped and it was a miracle, because
the man who stopped to help us, was not only an
ISKCON devotee but also from my Mum’s Namahatta
group, so he had my Mum’s phone number and he
called her and called the ambulance. My husband was
rushed to ER and stabilised. Several tests were
conducted. The specialist then talked to me in a private
room and insisted that we find some way to reduce his
stress and anxiety level because he felt that another
episode would be the end. Once we got home, we lived
in complete agony for days. I again started counselling
sessions as I felt like I was at the breaking point. My
young kids were now also being severely affected by
watching their parents fall apart from past traumas. My
3 year old daughter started having nightmares and
refused to go to sleep until 1am. My 8 year old son
started acting up too and would cry out aloud profusely
for anything and everything. My mum then stepped in
and sheltered our kids with bucket loads of love and
support. After a week or so they calmed down and
settled again. My husband and I then had to externally
lead a more “normal” life, for the well-being of our
children.
We spoke about my experiences late at night when the
kids were asleep. It was torturous to re-live it all. It
was then that I found out that my husband had known
something about what happened between BVPS and
Mayapur dasi. He told me that his youngest brother
Ram, had come to him and told him that BVPS had
touched Mayapur’s breasts. My husband explained to
me that he understood that she had been an adult at
the time it happened. He said that he asked Mayapur
and Ram if they wanted to report it and they had said
no, that they will deal with it without involving the
authorities. When I confronted my husband, and asked
him why he didn’t tell me, he said I was going through
so much with the CPO case that he thought it would
have broken me. He also explained how he followed up
with Mayapur and Ram for a couple of years asking
how they were dealing with it and they said it was
difficult but they were trying to move forward. Through
this whole time BVPS was always around during family
occasions and functions. At one point my husband told
me that he asked Ram and Mayapur how they put up
with having him around lunch and serving him etc.
They said they were fine. But then again, I seemed
“fine” for the last 20 years, even though I was far from
it. My husband should have publicized what BVPS did
when Ram told him, but it wasn’t his call, it was theirs.
And his general tendency has always been to cope with
trauma by suppressing and burying it, because he had
to in order to survive the insane violence and abuse of
his childhood.
I am still torn and conflicted about writing this
testimony. I have been through so much, and I’ve put
others through so much, that it seems like there’s no
way to fix everything. I know that I at least need to
speak the truth now, even though I understand that
the abuse I suffered won’t be dealt with by the CPO
because I was a 19-20yrs old when it started. I am
heartbroken to know that BVPS hurt someone else, and
I hope that sharing my story will help in some way.
When the CPO case came up against me in 2015, I was
pained by how the case was handled. The judges didn’t
speak with me even once, before pronouncing a life-
time ban. It seemed unjust, and I didn’t even know
what I did wrong. No details were shared with me.
Vague scenarios, but nothing specific. We tried to
appeal, but I had to ultimately just surrender to
everything. I felt I had wronged Mayapur dasi and the
other girls though, and therefore I felt I deserved to be
punished. I lost my service, my friends, my reputation,
everything. I was publicly ostracised through social
media and felt worthless and useless.
I sometimes wonder that, if the CPO had actually
interviewed me with some professionalism and
compassion, my story would have maybe come out
then.

I tried to make amends with those whom I knew I hurt.

I called every mother who had their daughter in school
and begged for forgiveness. Some accepted my
apology, but others didn’t. It was heavy to hear, but I
accepted it as part of my purification. I also read a
public apology to both the teachers and parents in the
last school meeting. I contacted some of the girls in
person and others over the phone and asked for
forgiveness. I did what I could. I went to counselling
and was put on medication to help me sleep and sleep
without nightmares.
I read the entire Srimad Bhagavatam and Caitanya
Caritamrta and chanted 64 rounds a day, and daily
recited the Narasimha Stotra. Since I was accused of
emotional and verbal abuse I spent time researching it,
to better understand what it actually meant. I spoke
with social workers and licensed teachers to
understand my mistakes were and how to could take
responsibility for them. I tried my best to heal by
following both a proper material and spiritual process.
I pray that one day I can make amends for the
mistakes I made by being too harsh to my students. I
pray my husband can become whole again, despite
having been so betrayed by ISKCON. I pray that
neither him nor I become bitter and leave the society,
even though we were betrayed by its leaders. I pray
for spiritual guidance from respected elders, and that I
can once again be meaningfully engaged in service for
the pleasure of Srila Prabhupada. At this point in my
life, I understand that I can’t do anything related to
children’s education. But I do want to be engaged in
service, so that I can heal and develop more love for
Krsna.

Shri Madhava Gauranga Dasa:

My name is Shri Madhava Gauranga dasa. I am 43
years old. I was born in this movement my parents are
disciples of Srila Prabhupada. I was severely sexually,
physically, and mentally abused—tortured from my
childhood all the way into my early teenage years. I
have understood to some extent the impact this abuse
has had and is having on my life, but I suspect that I
will be processing what happened for the rest of my
life.
To survive, I had to bury a lot of my pain and focus on
developing strength to protect myself. Part of this
process led me to think I had moved on and left the
past behind. As time goes on, I realise more and more
how much the abuse I suffered in ISKCON as a child,
has negatively impacted me. Because of this abuse
though, I felt called to dedicate my adult life to
ensuring that others did not undergo the same abuse
that I did. But sometimes it doesn’t feel like my abuse
at the hands of the society has ever ended, as I now
find out that my own guru abused my wife, and my
own family is breaking under the weight of his abuse.
When I was four years old, I was sent to a boarding
Gurukula in New Govardhan Australia. I remember
screaming and holding my mother’s hand. She
promised she would see me at mangal-arati the next
morning. I was the first kid up that next morning, and
went to meet her. When I got to the temple I ran to
look for her, but she was gone. This was, in my young
mind, a total breach of my trust and the deepest
betrayal, and it hardened my heart. My relationship
with my mother has still not yet fully recovered. I have
worked so damn hard to try to let it go, but still my
relationship with my mother is affected by this early
experience. The most amazing thing is my memory.
Because it was my mother who dropped me off, I didn’t
even remember that My father was also there. It was
only years later that my mother in tears told me he
was there and that it was his idea to leave saying it
would be easier for me.
For many years I couldn’t even remember what
happened to me. I couldn’t remember the abuse I
suffered. I “forgot” it, as a survival tactic.
The first time I can clearly remember being abused was
when I was about 6 or 7 years of age. It seemed
innocent I was swimming with a group of older girls
and they where playing with me in the water. I
remember having fun but I remember my genitals
where touched.
I remember having my genitals touched by older boys
in New Govardhan Gurukula as well.
At 8 years of age, I was sent on my own to Mayapur
Gurukula. That was in 1987.
In Mayapur Gurukula, I was anally raped, and also
forced to perform oral sex on an older boy. I was
beaten brutally by the older boys and the young men
to toughen me up. I had numerous experiences of
being coerced into performing mutual masturbation
with older boys as well. My friends and I was slapped
and beaten by the Mayapur managers when they were
“investigating” child abuse in Mayapur. This was in the
early 90’s. I was also sexually molested by a teacher.
I buried all of that abuse deep down, and went back to
Australia as a dysfunctional over-sexualized teenager
at the age of 15. I got into alcohol, drugs and
completely rebelled against all of the rules of ISKCON.
I was socially withdrawn and dysfunctional in many
ways. Now when I look back at that time it makes me
cringe. But I always projected confidence because I
truly believed it was my karma and I just had to be
strong enough to overcome it. In many ways I did. I
got my life together and moved back to Mayapur to try
to ensure kids were not abused in the way that I had
been.
I was always torn working with BVPS, who was also my
guru. As I realised more and more the impact of what I
had been through, I blamed him as he had been in
charge. I challenged him daily and the first thing i did
when I got here was side-line him in the girl’s
gurukula, and then even in the boy’s gurukula. I had to
fight with many of his supporters and even with BVPS
every step of the way too. I have done my utmost to
transform the gurukula into what it is today and there
is still so much more to do. Children deserve to grow
up experiencing all that Krsna Cosciousness has to
offer in a safe environment.
Some years ago my brother came to me and said that
BVPS had touched his wife Mayapur Radhika’s breasts.
I was ill-equipped to navigate dealing with the
revelation that our guru having touched my brother’s
wife’s breasts. Importantly, Ram came to me as an
elder brother, not as an ISKCON leader though, and
equally important is that I asked him what he wanted
me to do. I said I would support whatever Ram and
Mayapur wanted to do. Both he and his wife said they
would handle things themselves. I can see now how
that was and is impossible. Finally, it’s critical to note
that my brother explained that BVPS had touched her
breasts a few times as a legal adult.
Even though Ram said he would handle it himself, I still
confronted BVPS about the issue on my own. I felt
compelled to. BVPS said he would apologize to them
both and that he had moved forward spiritually and
would never do anything like that again. I can see now
that I accepted his answer too easily. Even though I
considered it a family matter, and not my right to
report, I now realize that I should have at least sent
Ram to a respected senior devotee for counsel. For a
couple of years after this I followed up with my brother
and his wife to see how they were. They said they were
getting better and dealing with things.
I sometimes get feedback that I just put blinders on
and keep moving forward. Honestly speaking I feel it’s
the only way I survived my childhood abuse. I always
thought of it a strength, but I am realizing that it’s not
areal strength and it’s not the way forward now.
Recently Mayapur and Ramvijay started suffering a
great deal. We found out that they were reporting
BVPS’s abuse of Mayapur. When my wife found out that
Mayapur had been abused, she became immediately
sick with grief and said that she thought she had
protected all the girls from that. She tried to hang
herself a couple days later. I did not understand what
she had meant by that initial statement until several
days after that, when the story about what she had
suffered at BVPS’s hands came bubbling out. It was the
most difficult time of our lives. I thought that if I had
told my wife, at that time when Ram Vijay approached
me years ago, about what had happened to Mayapur,
then perhaps my wife’s trauma would have come out
back then and she could’ve been spared some years of
suffering in silence. I went from feeling like I had
protected my wife and Mayapur to feeling like I had
failed them both. Because I was not protected,
protecting others has been a strong part of my
personality, but it still seems like I failed everyone.
Going back even further, I wish the CPO had dealt with
my wife’s case with more care and compassion. If the
CPO had taken the time to interview her back then,
and if they had dealt with her more transparently and
with some compassion, then I think she may have felt
comfortable enough to talk about the abuse she
suffered. And the healing for everyone could have
started much earlier. Instead, she wasn’t treated very
well during the investigation (they didn’t even interview
her), and it left her feeling lost, helpless, and
abandoned by the society. The whole experience ended
up further hardening our hearts in some ways.
I have heard that my brother and his wife feel like I
should have and could have done more, and that I
didn’t help them enough. I accept this. It grieves me,
as I know my intention was to support them. I just
always believed that you ultimately have to deal with
your problems yourself, as nobody can really help you.
I got involved in education in ISKCON to try to create a
better future for the kids. I have learned much over the
years. I have done a lot for the children and never
want what happened to me to happen to anyone else.
Not on my watch. That’s why I came back. I never
really got any support from any leaders in my efforts
though. Even outside of the school, I had to fight to re-
establish the CPT in Mayapur as it had become defunct.
I feel sometimes that I am being tortured by the
society. I got shafted as child, I got shafted as a young
adult, I got shafted as a married man and even my
Guru shafted me. It seems to never end.