Youfvlean

I'mNotLazs,sfupi
orCrazy?!
A Self-Help
Bookfor Adults
withAttentionOeficitDisorder

KATE KELLY
AND
PEGGYRAMUNDO

Forewordby LarryB. Silver,M. D.

A FiresideBook
Publishedby Simon & Schuster
New York London Toronto sydney Tokyo Singapore
 FIRESIDE
Rockefeller Center
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020

Copyright O 1993 by Kate Kelly and P.ggy Ramundo

All rights reserved,
including the right of reproduction
in whole or in part in any form.

First FiresideEdition 1996

FrRrslor and colophon are registeredtrademarksof Simon & SchusterInc.

Designedby Tony Magliano

Manufactured in the United Statesof America

5 7 9 1 0 8 6

Library of CongressCataloging'in-PublicationDara
Kelly, Kate.
You mean I'm not lazy, stupid or crazy?!:a self-helpbook for adultswith
attention deficit disorder/KateKelly and PeggyRamundo.
p' cm.
Includes bibliographical referencesand index'
1. Attention-delicit disorderin adults-Popular works.
I. Ramundo, Peggy. Il. Title.
RC394.A85K45 1995 94-40538
CIP
616.85'89-dc20

rsBN0-684-80116-7
(Pbk)
rsBN0.684-81531-1
 This bookis dedicatedto the memoryof Fred Clwison,my
dearfriend and,s,ometimessunogateparent. With hisunfailing
cornpassionand senseof humor, Fred enrichedthe hivesof all
who knew him. He wiII be missed,but neqterforgotten.

I(ote Kelly

Thls bookis dedicated

to my family:
To Rob-for l<eepingeverythingtogetlwrso I could"write it
To Alison-fo, fiuingmy life with your bomlless love and joy
To Jeremy-for strugglingso cowrageously
with yow ADD
and teachingme so muchaboutmine

Peggy Ramlznldo
 TableOfConfents
Acknowledgements xl
Foreword by Larry B. Silver, M.D, xu
Introduction: ADD Isn't Just For Kids Anymore! XUll

ChapterI
From the Porch to the Printed Page:
A Reader's Guide to Understanding This Book
How To ReadThis Book . Who Should ReadThis Book
o DiagnosisIsn't a Do-lt-YourselfEnterprise

Chapter2
Understanding the Disorder That Makes Us Feel
Lazy, Stupid or Crazy
About Definitions and Descriptionso The Big Three: Inattenrion,
Impulsivity,Hyperactivity o But Why? . How Common Is Itl
o Not Justfor BoysAnymore

Chapter
3 29
The Impact of Growing Up with ADD
AgesandStageso The Cycleof Disapprovalo Abilities and
Disabilities

VI
 -CoNrENrs

Chapter4 46
How Are We Different?
. One Channel Operation o Locking In/Blocking Out o I Hate
Details o DefectiveFilter r TouchyTouchability r Emotional
Roller Coasterso IntenseINTENSITY . The IDP Dynamic
o BottomlessPit of Needs o SupersonicBrains r Activity Levels
in Flux o Thrill Seekerso InrracrableTime Tyrant . Space
Struggleso Action/Inaction Imbalanceo ReactionTime Irregu-
larity . Miniscule Mental Fuel Tanks . UndependableMemory/
Leaming Systemso ImpairedSocialSkills' Control Centers

Chapter
5 80
The Not So Fine Art of Coping
Bad is Better Than Stupid . fh. perfectionisro The Blamer
o \Uho Cares?o Manipulation . Withdrawal o Chip On the
Shouldero Thke Me or LeaveMe o It Ain't So o Helplessness
o Controller o Peter Pan Syndrome o SpaceCadet . The Party
Animal o EmotionalIncontinence. The Blabber. The Bulldozer

Chapter
6 | 06
I KNOW. . .I TIIINK. . .I HA\ZE ADD:WIIAI DO I DO NO\ry?
The Savvy Mental Health Consumer o The \7hy and How of
the DiagnosticEvaluation o After the Diagnosis-You Are \forth
All the \fork It \7i11Take to Recover o Self-Discoveryand the
Grief Process:Shock of Recognition;Anger-Why Me?;Denial-
Not Me!; Bargaining-lt Can All Be Fixed;Depression-Reality
Sinks In; Acceprance-Outof the Depths!

Chapter
? 124
About Balance, Toyotas,@Porschesp Circus High Wires,
and the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
Finely Tuned and In Need of SensitiveHandling . How-To'sof
Achieving Balance:The 12 Step Framework. A one Rat Study:
Analyzing Strengthsand lTeaknesseso Constructing a Personal-
izedSafetyNet for Your High Wire Act

VII
 CoNrENrs

Chapter
8 147
Interfacing In Action: Groups and Friendships
The Art and Scienceof Communication o Hazard:SocialSlippery
Spots o Act I, Group Interactions:Mental Gymnastics;Running
Out of Gas;CruiseControls Set on Mega-Speed. Survival Tips:
'lTorking
Group Interactionso Act II, One to One Encounters:
At Not Working So Hard, NegativeSelf-Talk . SurvivalTips:
Friendshipso Effective Communication

9
Chapter 174
Interfacing in Action: Getting Along on the Job
A Variation on the Theme of Inter{acingo Act III, Getting Along
At \7ork: Complex Interrelationships,Office Politics,Written and
Unwritten Rules o SurvivalTips:On the Job . High Tech Com-
'lUork
munication,or Don't Fax YourselfOut of State! o Related
Stress:Noise, Doorsand Telephoneso Foot in Mouth Disease
o 'What Do You Want to Do \7hen You Grow Up? o Are You
Failing On the Job or Is YourJob Failing You?

chapter
lo 194
Interfacing In Action: In The Dating Game and The Family
High StakeRelationshipso Act IV The Dating Game:Intensity;
Insatiability; the Walking \Tounded; The Prince Charming Trap
o Survival Tips: Intimate Relationshipso Act V SceneI, Marriage
and Child Rearing:Meet the Bakers,1 Plus 1 Is More Than Two,
Parentingand the ADD Dimension o SurvivalTips: "Planned
Parenting". Act V SceneII, Chaoson the Cul-de,Sac:Boun-
d"ry Issuesand Invisible Circles . Family Therapy o Survival Tips:
Emotional Living Space

Chapter
Il 218
From Mealtime Mania to Outing Ordeals:
flow,To's of Decreasing Discord
ScenesFrom the Kitchen Table and ADD Family Fun o Family
Life Through the Eyesof Tom, Jan, Amy, Zacharyand Jennifer
o CombustibleMix of ADD Temperamentso Survival Tips: Re-
ducing the Chaos and Tuming Down the Volume . Survival
Tips: From Chaos to PeacefulCo-Existence

VIII
 CoNrENrs

Chapter
12 229
Principles of Governmenfi Family Style
Poisedfor Defenseor Attack . Establishinga SharedGovemmenr
o Principlesand Rulesof Conduct for Family Meetings o Equal
Opportunity Participation:Problem-Solving,Bargaining,Nego-
tiation, Contracting o GuardingAgainst Expectationsof Perfection

Chapter
|3 244
Dynamics of ADD in Organization: Mechanics and Methods
Life is Difficult for the OrganizationallyImpaired o Creating
Order: Where Do You Start? o Designinga Clearing Our and
Storing Systemo Home Office Management:the Peaceof Mind
Payoff o PracticalTools for MessManagement o PaperPile Man-
agementand Its Cardinal Rules o Ji3 Do's and PaperPile Mis.
management. Time Management:Thming the Time Monster

Chapter
14 278
Dynamics of ADD in Memorys Mechanics and Methods
The Memory Chain o Memory and Learning:You Can't Have
One Without the Other o How Are Your Memories?o How Do
You Leam: What's Your Leaming Style?r Memory Tune.Up
Techniques. Leaming Tipt o Leaming Disabilitiesand ADD

Chapter
l5 304
Cmtches, Ladders and the Decision to Seek Professional Help
About Crutches,Laddersand Assumptionso Are You Readyto
'Whar's
Ask for Help? o Alternative and MainstreamTherapies:
the Difference?o The Value and Limitations of Research. Be-
coming Your Own CaseManager o J[ Be. . . or Not To Be Medi.
cated o The Issueof SubstanceAbuse

Chapter
l6 324
Medicine and Medicine Management
A tial and Error Processo The How and \fhy of Medicine o Be-
nefits,Action, Side Effects,DoseLevels:Stimulant Medications;
Tricyclic Antidepressants;Misce[aneousand Newer Drugs . Self-
Medicationso Medicine:A Starting Place,Not the Final Desti-
nation

x
 CoNreNrs
I-Ir

Chapter
|? 350
Therapy and More Therapy
ftgl"pt Dilemma o Cognitive and BehavioralTherapy . Speech
and LanguageTherapy o EducationalRemediation .- Psychody-
namic Psychotherapies o MiscellaneousTherapieso Family
o
Therapy Social Skills Tiaining o SensoryIntegration o Psycho-
education o Support Groups o Asserrivenesstaining o Alter-
native Therapy:Yoga;Massage;Brain Massage
and Virnril Reality (l);
ProgressiveMuscleRelaxation o Visualizationo Tianscendental
Meditation o Natural Childbirth Techniqueso Diet Therapy
o EEG Biofeedback

Chapter| 8 381
From Obstacle to Opportunity
If You Could Pusha Button and Not Have ADD Anymore, !7ould
You PushIt? o About Joy,Hope and Possibilirieso ADD and the
SpecializedBrain o Abilities Within Disabilities:The ADD Advan-
o o r Finding Your Niche:
!"ge SuccessStories What Is Success?
Better Late Than Never o The Bright Outlook for Us o ADD is
More Than a Disorder:It Is Also An ADDed Dimensionl

Epilogue: 4tl
Imagine a World Without ADD

References 414
Appendix
A 4t7
Suggested Reading List

Appendix
B 420
Resource List

lndex 427

X
 Acknowled*ements
Kate Kelly: I find myselfapproachingthis sectionwith sometrepidation.
I wonder if my erratic ADD memory will do its job adequately.If I fail
to mention someonewho has contributedto this project,pleasechalk
it up to faulty memory rather than a lack of appreciation.

First, I wish to thank the membersof the Cincinnati ADD Adult S.rp-
port Group for sharing invaluable information about their personal
experienceswith ADD. They have alsofunctioned ascheeileaders,
readersand resourcepeople.

Specialthanks are in order to the ADD Council of Greater Cincinnati

which has organizeda superbnerwork of ADD parents,ADD adults
and interestedprofessionals.This community network has made my
job easier.

GeorgeSchoberhas eamed a heartfelt thanks for helping facilitate the

supportgroup,providing editorial assistanceand being a good friend
even ashe struggledwith a personaltragedy.Georgeis an ADD adult
who has becomemy role model for gracefullybalancing the various
parts of one'slife.

I am etemally grateful to Dr. Bonnie Green who contributed to the

processof writing this book in severalways.She did a superbjob of
supportingmy husbandthrough the difficult task of writing his doctoral
dissertation.As his committee chair, she went above and beyond the
call of duty, giving the extra encouragementI would have provided if I
hadn't been so preoccupiedwith my own project. She has alsobeen an
enthusiasticsupporterof this book from concepr ro completion.

XI
 AcTNowLEDGEMENTS

I alsowish to thank Rob Allard both for filling in assupporrgroup

facilitator and providing feedbackon the rough draftsof this manu-
script.Billy Stockton, Marjorie Buschingand Marta Donahoealso
took time out of busyschedulesto read and comment on the book.
Thanks also to Angela Field who provided child care and the useof
her computerwhen mine wasunavailable.SuzanneBehle,my daughter's
teacherfor the past three years,has been a listening ear and support
personwhenever I neededit.

I wish to thank my co-author,P.ggy Ramundo and her husbandRob

Ramundo for their contributions to a greatwriting/publishing team. I
have been part of many work groupsin my life but none has functioned
aswell asthis one. I hope we will continue to collaborateon projects
for many yearsto come.

Last, but certainly not least,a round of applausegoesto my family. To

my parents,Barbaraand CharlesKelln who did a greatjob of raising a
very difficult child. To -y daughterTyrell whosemany love notes,
drawingsand hugskept me going when the going got rough. Thanks,
Tyrell, for being such a greatkid and for being so patient with me. To
my husbandDoug who has believed in me from the beginning. He was
there with his supportwhen this book wasonly a half-bakedidea.He
didn't hesitatewhen we took the plunge together,committing most of
our personaland financial resourcesto publishing it. Thanks Doug, for
helping me make my dream a reality.

'Words
Peggy Ramundo: are inadequateto expressmy appreciation
for my parentswho supportedme in countlesswaysduring the process
of writing this book. They reminded me to eat and sleep,took over
many chauffeuringduties for my children and provided numerouschild-
free weekends.They didn't alwaysapproveof the intensity with which
I approachedthis project, but they never failed to supportmy efforts.

To -y husband,Rob-what can I say?You've kept me in clean, ironed

clothes,my cabinetsstockedwith groceries,ffiy car filled with gas,my
computer stockedwith paper and my children embracedwith your
love. You've fed the dog you never wanted and protectedme when my

XII
 AcxNowLEDGEMENTS

old cat died.You'veassumedall the rolesI've given up the pasttwo

years-l couldn't have done it without you.

My children Alison and Jeremyhave both shown incredible maturity

and understandingat being semi-motherless.Thank you for getting
your own breakfasts,entertaining yourselves,leaving love notes on my
computer and working so hard to understandwhy mommy couldn't go
awaywith you and your daddyfor the weekend.I love you both so much!

I'd like to thank my friend, Bunny Hensley,for her emotional support.

Thanks for your friendship, Bunny, and for encouragingme to take
sometime off once and a while.

Liz \fymer, my son'steacherfor three years,has provided ongoing

supportand encouragement.Thanks, Liz, for taking such good care of
Jeremy,providing the structurefor him to manageon his own and
putting up with all the times I've gotten him to schoollate!

My thanks to all the ADD adults and parentsof ADD children who
have sharedtheir lives with me. Your insights,experiencesand strug-
gleshave contributed in invaluable waysto this book.

From Both of Us: Mury JaneJohnson,founder of the ADDult Net-

work hasbeen an enthusiasticsupporterof our efforts.She has reviewed
the book at variousstagesand has sharedboth information and con-
tacts. Her single-handedefforts at organtzingADD adults acrossthe
United Stateshasproducedimpressiveresults.Thanks to Mary Jane,
we have been able to gather information from ADD adults throughout
the country.

Dr. JosephSchroeder,a neuropsychologist who specializes in the diag-

nosisand treatment of ADD adults and adolescents,generouslydonat-
ed his time and expertiseasa consultant.Dr. \UayneHarrison has con-
tributed by passingon professionalliterature and offering his ongoing
moral support.

Our thanks to Rita R. Stull for taking this manuscripton businesstrips

and spendingher free time helping us dot the i's and crossthe t's.Thanla,
Rita, not only for your command of the English languagebut alsofor
your insightsand experiencesthat have addedto the qualiry of this book.

XIII
 AcTNowLEDcEMENTS

And last, but certainly not least,we'd like to thank David Stull for his
contribution to naming this book. The title changedinumerabletimes
during the processof writing it. Our pagesof possibilitieswenr in the
trash after Dave'sexcited phone call one day.His creative brainstorming
culminated in our creating the presenttitle that we feel truly caprures
the realitv of ADD.

XIV
 Foreword
percent of children with Attention
It is now clear that at least 5Oo/o
Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) continue to have the disorder
asadolescents.Recent studiesconfirm that at least30Voof thesechildren
continue to have ADHD as adults.The behaviorspersistand causeas
much difficulty asthey did when the personwasa child or adolescent.

Someadultsfirst leam of their ADHD when their child is diagnosed.

Suddenlythey say,"That's me. I have the sameproblems."Other adults
first leam of their problem when they read an article in a magazineor
seea specialon television. Unfortunately, too many adultsnever leam
of their disability.

Adults with ADHD continue to be hyperactive,distractible,and/or

impulsive.They can have difficulty with organization.In addition,
many developsecondaryemotional, socialor family problems.Often
there are careerplanning or job relatedproblems.Further, many of
theseadults alsohave learning disabilitieswhich, like the ADHD,
might have been undiagnosedand untreated.

Thus, adultswith ADHD need information about their disability and

its impact on themselves,their families,their work and their sociallives.
Kate Kelly's and PeggyRamundo'sbook,YouMewt I'm Not Lazy, Stupid
or CraTy?1,doesan excellentjob of providing this information in an
accurate,clear and easyto readway.Of equalimportance,theseauthors
go beyondproviding information by offering specificsuggestions and
programsto addresseach problem area.

XV
 FoRpwoRo

It is critical for eachadult to understandhis or her pastand how ADHD

might have affectedpersonaland family life aswell asschool perfor-
manceand peer relationships.This understandingcan result in a better
understandingof past difficulties and can be the start of rethinking one's
self-image.The authorshelp the readerdo this. The adult is then helped
to exploreeachareaof his or her life, identifiringproblemareas.Possible
problemswith self, with communication, with meaningful others and
with work areexplored.Whenever a problem areais discussed, practical
suggestions for addressingit are presentedwith many examples.

Men and women who first discovertheir disability in adulthood have

much to leam and much to do. I thank Kate Kelly and PeggyRamundo
for writing such an informative and very helpful book. A11adults with
ADHD and all familiesof adultswith ADHD will benefit from reading
and studyingthis book.

Larry B. Silver, M.D.

Clinical Professorof Psychiatry;
Director of Training in Child and
Adolescent Psychiatry
GeorgetownUniversity
School of Medicine

Dr. Silver is a national leaderin the field of Leaming Disabilitiesand

Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder.For over twenty yearshis
primary research,clinical and teaching interestshave focusedon the
psychologicaland socialimpact of subtle,often invisibleneurological
disabilities.His extensivewriting includesover one hundredthirty
publications.These include his popular book, The Misunderstood ChiA
and two recent additions, AttennonDeficitHyperacnvity Disorder:A
Clinical Guide to Diagnosisand Treatment,for clinicians and Dr. Inrry
to Par entson AttentionD eficit HyperacnviryDisordBr.
Silqrer'sAdq,)ice

XVI
 INrRooucrIoN

eDDlsn'fJustfor KidsAnymore!
If you're readingthis book, you probablyfit into one of the following
categories:
l.You are well informedaboutAttention Deficit Disorderand
are readingthis book to seeif it containsany new information.
2.Youhave beendiagnosedwith the disorderand are wondering,
"\Uhat do I do now?"
3.Youhave a growingsuspicion,perhapsfueledby your experi-
enceswith a child, grandchildor siblingwho has attention
deficits, that you may have the disorderyourself.

This book is for all of you. It isn't a scholarlytext but a practicalguide

for understandingand managingthe dynamicsof ADD in adulthood.
There is a lot of availableliterature about ADD in children. Booksare
filled with strategiesfor managingthe symptomsof ADD at home and
at school. But availableinformation for managingADD in adulthood
is in short supply.

What do you do if you have ADD and aren't a kid anymore?How do

you manageyour own disorder?This book has been written to offer
someanswersto thesequestions.

This book is written for ADDers by ADDers. \7e both have exrensive
experiencedealing with our own disordersand those of our children.
\7e have alsodealt with ADD issuesin our individual professionsof
mental health and education.\7e have drawn on our professionalex-
periencesin writing this book. But at the heart of the book are our per-
sonalperspectivesand experiencesand thoseof many other ADD adults.

XVII
 INrRonucrtoN

ADD is About Abilities and Disabilities

and
ADD Adula are Capable of Helping Themselves

These are the underlying principles of this book. Having ADD means
that each of us musr deal with an assortmentof disabilities.But if you
take off the "dis", you can discovera multitude of abilitiesaswelll We
are committed to rhe belief that each of us can useour unique abilities
to manageour unique disabilities.

Our goal in writing this book is to educateand enlighten, and to en'

.o.rrug. each readerto assumean active role in coping effectivelywith
his or her disorder.\7e hope that each of you will useit not only asan
examinationof disabilitiesbut asa celebrationof differences:

ADD: A Disorder
OR
An ADDed Dimension?

XVIII
 -CHaprEn 1

FrornthePorchto thePrinted
?age:A Reader's Guidefo
UnderstandingThisBook
Dear Reader:

Plcase don't skip this section! Although it's really a preface,

'We
we've written it asa separatechapter. thought that many of our
readersmight approacha new book the way we do-by skipping the
miscellaneouspagesand jumping right into the good stuff! But the
information in this brief sectionis too important to glossover.It will
help answersomeof the questionsyou may have asyou go along.

Over two yearsago,we sat on a porch swing and sharedour vision for
this book. Our original ideastook the form of a three pageoutline
which becameour frameworkthroughout the writing process.Many
long daysand countlessrevisionslater, our original PorchSwlngPlan-
ningsessionevolved into the book you are about to read.

During the writing process,our vision changedlittle from our original

outline. The chapter you are readingnow is the only addition. \7e
choseto add this section to sharewith our readersthe underlying phi-
losophythat guidedour writing and the decisionswe made r"ga.dirrg
the book'sformat.

In the Introduction, we explainedour goal of writing a book an ADD

adult could useto understandand manageher disorder.\7e wanted
this book to be practical and easyto readfor anyonewith specificread-
ing and languagedeficits.To that end, we chosean informal writing
style and worked hard to minimize the complexity of somerather
complicatedscientific concepts.\7e also includednumerouscartoonsto
 You MpaNI'u Nor Lazv.Sruproon Cnazv!?

make the text more understandable.

'We
would like to comment on the organizationof this book before
you begin reading the three chaptersthat follow and questionwhat we
just saidabouteaseof reading!During the editing process,we agonized
over theseearly chaptersthat aren't aseasyto read as the rest of the
book. They are denselypackedwith rather technical information that
is difficult to simplify. We didn't want to losereaderswho might react
in one or more of the following ways:1. "Have I been tricked?Is this a
text book?I thought it wasgoing to be a practical,self-helpbook!" 2.
"l've alreadyreadthis information in severalother books."3. "How is
this book going to help me if I can't understandthe first chapter?"
'We
considereda variety of options from eliminating someof the infor-
mation to reorganizingthe format.'S7e
\7e concludedthat none of the
options would solve the problem. knew that our readerswould
have varying levelsof knowledgeabout ADD and that somewould
need an in-depth introduction to the disorder.\7e were alsokeenly
awareof the curiosityof ADDers who don't often acceptsuggestions
without first asking,"But whyl" !7e decidedthat without this back-
ground information,the anecdotesand practicalsuggestions that fol-
lowed wouldn't make much sense.So we choseto leavethe format
alone and to offer the following guidelines.

If you've alreadydone extensivereadingin ADD, you might want to

just browsethesechapters.If you'renew to ADD, just hang in there
with the earlychapters,taking them at your own paceand allowing
time to digestthe material.If you get really boredor befuddled,take a
break! We promisethe going will get easierand later chapterswill
take a look at the lighter,more practicalsideof ADD.

\7e alsowant to explain how we deal with the issueof sexistlanguage

in this book. The seemingerratic useof "he" and "she" isn't an editing
'V7e
error! choseto alternate the useof male and femalepronounsby
chapters.As you will discoverasyou readthis book, ADD isn't just a
problemfor boysand men. The assumptionthat the majority of ADDers
are male has been challengedasknowledgeabout ADD has grown.
Since this book is for all of you, men and women alike, we wanted to
make the languageas inclusive aspossible.So, the odd numbered
 AR,l;'#
S3':?T5
J:Jl3"fiil?
+i?,1"""
chaptersusefemalepronoun referencesand the even chapters,male.
By the way, there is no significance,other than a flip of a coin, for
beginningwith sheinsteadof he! Parallelingthis issueof sexistlanguage,
we have alsotried to avoid stereotypes,including examplesof both men
and women in non-traditionalroles.This seemsappropriate,particularly
sinceADDers tend to be rather non-traditionalfolk.

Finally, we want to include a word of caution. In reviewing the book,

a nationally known ADD expert raisedan important issue.He voiced
his concem that everyadult who read it could identify with the de-
scribedADD behaviorsand make a self-diagnosis of ADD. This con.
cem is valid. In our work with classroomteachers,many report that
the manifestationsof ADD characterizeeverychild in their classrooms!
'S7e
want to emphasizethat ADD is a complicatedsyndromewith
diversesymptomsof varying degreesof severity.It isn't surprisingthat
educatorsobserveADD behaviorsin many of their studentsbecause
the symptomsof ADD are an exaggerationof behaviorsand experiences
that fall within the normal human range.Anyone can sometimeshave
lapsesin memory act impulsivelyor have difficulty concentrating.
The problem with ADD is one of degreeand persistenceof the symp-
toms over time and acrossvarying situations.ADDers have symptoms
that begin in childhood and .".n" significantproblemsin school,work
and relationships.

Another part of the diagnosticdilemma is that variousmental health

problemshave symptomsthat overlapthoseof ADD. For example,p€o-
ple with schizophreniaor depressionhave information processingpro-
blemssimilar to ADD adultsbut often to a greaterdegree.Virtually all
mental health problemsinterferewith organizationand information
processing.So, it's not hard to imagineADD becomingthe new band-
'S7e
wagon everyonewants to jump on. can picture the constemation
of mental health professionals confrontedwith officesfilled with people
demandingtreatment for the ADD they've self-diagnosed.
'We
can't emphasizeenough that a diagnosisis not a do-it-yowself
enterprise.A personwith schizophrenia,for example,might have
attention deficitsbut her treatmentwould be radicallydifferentfrom
that of an ADDer. Using stimulant medicationin her treatment
 You MEaNI'v Nor Lxzy,Sruproon Cnazy!?

would likely have the effect of dramatically worseningher condition.

The point is, an accuratediagnosisis an essentialcomponent of
treatment.

This book isn't a scholarly,diagnosticmanual. Severalexcellent books

of that kind are availableand are listed in the appendix.If you're read-
ing this book becauseyou suspectyou have ADD, follow the guidelines
in Chapter 6. Develop a relationship with a professionalwho can pro-
vide a formal evaluation and diagnosis.

Ife don't believe,however,that an official ADD diagnosisis a prereq-

uisite for readingthis book. Individuals with orher mental health prob-
lems and thosewithout symptomssufficiently severeto be considered
ADD, can benefit from someof this material. Many of the self-help
strategiesare usefulwith or without a specificdiagnosis.For example,
a readerdoesn'thave to know why she is disorganizedto benefit from
someof our suggestions in Chapter 13. In addition,we hope that spouses,
friends and colleaguesof ADDers and other adults who sffugglewith
relatedproblemswill readthis book and developgreatersensitiviryro
'We
individuals with specialneeds. can all benefit from understanding
how glitchesin brain processes can wreakhavoc in the daily lives of
many people.

Finally, we hope that you'll find this book enjoyableand informative.

Ifqgr readershave half as much fun reading it aswe have had writing
it, we will have accomplishedour mission.\7e welcomeyour com-
ments,personalexperiencesor anything elseyou would like to share
with us.

Sincerely,
Kate Kelly and PeggyRamundo
 -CuaprEn 2

Undersfandine
The
Disorder
ThatMakes
UsFeel
Lazy,StupidOr Crazy
It's difficult to grow up with the hidden handicapof ADD. Many of us
feel that we've spentour lives disappointingeveryone- parents,sib-
lings, teachers,friendsand ourselves.When we were children, our
teachersrepeatedlytold us we could do our work but chosenot to. Our
report cardswerecontinual remindersthat we weren't very bright. Those
C's,D's and F'sdidn't lie. They definedour self-perceptions
askids who
were lazy.Sometimeswe felt smart.\7e cameup with wonderful inven-
'We
tions and imaginativepluy. often amazedourselves,our teachersand
our parentswith our wealth of knowledgeand creariveideas.

We didn't want to causetrouble.We didn't start our dayswith a plan to

drive everyonecrazy.We didn't leaveour roomsin total chaosto make
our parentswring their handsin frustration.We didn't count the thumb
tackson the bulletin boardbecausewe enjoyedwatching the veins pop
out of a teacher'sneck when he yelled at us to get to work. tVe didn't
yawn and stretch and sprawlacrossour desktops,totally exhausted,just
to make the other kids laugh.We didn't begfor more toys,biggerbikes
or better birthday partiesbecausewe wanted our moms and dadsto feel
terrible for depriving us of thesethings.

\7e dld thesethings becausewe had ADD. Bur unfortunately,most of

us didn't know that. Most of our parents,siblings,teachersand friends
didn't know that either. So most of us grew up with negativefeelings
that developedaroundbehaviorseveryonemisunderstood.

Pay attention.
Sropfoolingaround.
 You MraN I'r'l Nor Lazy,SruproOn Cnnzy?!

If you would jwt try, you could"

da it.
You'relazy.
Settledown.
Youcut da tt whenyou went to.
Why are Jou actingthisway?
You'retno smartto get srchternblegades.
Why do you alwaysmal<ethingsso hnrdfor yowself?
Yow roomis alwaysa"mess.
You jwt haveto buckledawn.
Stopbotheringotherchildren.
Are you tryingto driueme craTy?
Why can'tJou actlil<e yow brother...sister?
Why sre you so inesponsible.t
Youaren'tgratefulfor anything.

Have you ever heard any of thesecommentsI If you're a parent,have

you ever saidany of them?Our bet is that your answerto both questions
is a resounding,"Yes!"

6\
lli
 UNDPRsTRNDING
rue DtsonornTuRr Mnrrs Us FEpr-
Lnzy,Sruprnon Cnnzy

It's unlikely that anyonewould tell a child in a wheelchairthat he could

getr.rpand walk if he tried harder.His handicapis obviousand everyone
understandshis limitations. Unfortunately,not many peopleunderstand
the hidden handicapof an ADD child.

PR: "l have somerimeswishedthat my son had a physicalhandicap

insteadof ADD. Of course,I don't really wish he had a physicaldis-
ability. If he did, though, it would be easierto explain his llmitations to
peoplewho don't understand.It would be easierfor *e to understand
his limitarions."

For most of us the misunderstandings

and faulty assumptionscontinued
into our adolescenryears.Since we were old en'oughto know better,
our behaviorsweretoleratedeven less.By the time we becomeadults,
many-ofus are convinced that we indeedwere-and still are-lazy,
stupid or crazy.

Understanding Through Education

As we move through this book, we'll offer many suggestionsand strate.
giesfor dealingwith ADD. But the first and most important one is ro
repeatat leastone hundredtimes:

"I am not la7y,stupidor craTy!"

ff you aren't convinced yet, we hope you will be by the end of this
book._\7ehgne you'll be ableto formulatea new,positiveself-perceprion
to replacethe old one. Reframingyour self.perceprionsis your firsi 1ob.
To accomplishthis, you'll need an in-depth understandingof ADD.

The ADD Council of Greater Cincinnati offersa variety of services

relatedto ADD issuesand has a missionro "FosterUnderstanding
Through Education".This is alsothe missionstatementof this book.
To understandyour sympromsand take appropriatestepsto gain con-
trol over them, you have to leam asmuch asyou can about yo.rr disorder.

Even if you've alreadydone your homework in ADD, we encourage

you to readthe following section.You may not discovernew infoima-
tion per sebut you may discovera new frameworkfor understanding
 You MrnN I'v Not LnzY,SruptoOn Cnezv?!

specificissuesof ADD in adults.\7e will usethis frameworkaswe ex-

amine the dynamicsof ADD in your relationships,your workplaceand
your home.

About Definitions, Descriptions and Diagnostic

Dilemmass Is It ADD or ADHD?

ADD (or ADHD) is a disorderof the centralnervoussystem(CNS)

characterizedby disturbancesin the areasof attention, impulsiveness
and hyperactivity.

Recent media focusgivesthe impressionthat ADD is a new problem.

Somesubscribeto the theory that ADD might not be new but is being
usedby increasingnumbersof parentsto excusetheir children'smisbe-
havior. A few yearsago,one local principal concludedthat ADD was
'80'sJ
the YuppieDisorderof the

This observationwould comeasa surpriseto Dr. G.F,Stilll a tum-of-the'

cenruryresearcherwho worked with children in a psychiatrichospital.
\7e doubt there weremany yuppiesin 1902when Still workedwith his
hyperactive,impulsiveand inattentive patients.Although he usedthe
label, "A Defect in Moral Control", he theorizedthat an organicprob-
lem rather rhan a behavioralone causedthe symptomsof his patients.
This wasa rather revolutionarytheory at a time when most peoplebe'
lieved that bad mannersand improperupbringing causedmisbehavior.

supported
In the first half of the twentieth century other researchers
Dr. Still's rheory.They noted that variouskinds of brain damagecaused
parienrsto displaysymptomsof hyperactivity,impulsivity and inatten'
iion. World'War I soldierswith brain injuries and children with damage
from a brain virus both had similar symptomsto children who apparently
had been bom with them.

Over the years,many labels'havebeengiven to the disorder.The labels

have reflectedthe stateof researchat the time:

Post -Encephnlitic D isorder

Hyperkinesis
Minimal Brain Damage
 UNoEnsTeNDINGrHs DtsonoERTuRr MRrEs Us Fml Lnzy, Srupro oR CnRzy

Minimal Brain D ysfunction

Hyperkirctic Reactionof Childhood
AttentionDeficit Disorderwith and without Hyperactivity

The focuson structuralproblemsin the brain-holes perhaps,or other

abnormalitiesdetectedthrough neurologicaltesting,persirt"d until the
'60's.
Then researchlegan to focusprimarily on the sympromof hyper-
activity in childhood.In 1968,the American PsychiatriiAssociation
(4IA) respondedto this researchby revisingits diagnosticmanual
(DSM-IIX The revision includedthe new label:"Hyperkinetic Disorder
of Childhood".

During the '70's,researchbroadenedits focusbeyondhyperactiviry and

concludedthat subtlecognitive disabilitiesof memoryand attention
problemswere the coresof the disorder.Theseconclusions,coupled
^hyp.t-
with the discoverythat attention problemscould exist without
activity and continue beyondchildhood, requireda secondrevision of
the diagnosticmanual.

In 1980,the APA'srevisedmanual,the DSM-llla creatednew labels:

"ADDH, Attention Deficit Disorderwith Hyperacriviry";"Atrenrion
Deficit Disorderwithout Hyperactivity" and 'T.esidualTyp." (for those
whosesymptomsconrinued into adulthood).

If your son wasdiagnosedin 1985with ADDH, why wasyour daughter

diagnosedin 1988with ADHD? Are you confusedyet?\fell, you g,i.rsed
it. The labelschangedagainin 1987.

A number of expertsbelievedthat hyperactiviryhad to be presentfor

an ADD diagnosis.They theorizedthat the other relatedsympromswere
part of a separatedisorder.Revisedin 1987,,rhe current version of the
{lagnostic manual,the DSM-lll-R5, reflecrsthis theory with yet other
labels:"ADHD, Attention Deficit HyperacrivityDisorder"or'"LJndiffer.
entiatedADD" (for thosewithout hyperactivity).And, jusr ro keep
you abreastof researchdevelopments,be advisedthat *oik is in progress
on the DSM IV!

Is thereany reasonto rememberthe DSM label revisions?We suppose

you could drop terms like the Diagnosticand StatisticalManual bi the
 I't.lNot Lnzv,SruptoOn Cnnzv?!
You ME,A,N

American PsychiatricAssociationto impressfriendsat your next party!

The information would be usefulif you happento be studyingpsychology
and need the information for an upcomingexam.Otherwise,the only
reasonto know about the changinglabelsis that they reflect an ever'
changingunderstandingof ADD.

The debatewill continue about ADD issues-what is it exactly and

who shouldbe includedin the diagnosticcriteria?To provide guidelines
for diagnosticians,the APAs manual attemptsto label and describe
variousclustersof symptoms,assigningdifferent groupsinto distinct
categoriesof disorders.

The problem is that human beingsdon't cooperatewith this attempt to

caregorizebehavior.Behaviorsjust won't fit into tidy little boxes.If you
have ever agonizedover naming your businessreport or the songyou
jusr composed,you know the limitations of a title. It's difficult to capture
the essenceof somethingin a few words.

In practicalterms,this meansthat relativelyfew peoplefit the classic

DSM diagnoses.There is alsomuch symptomoverlap betrveen dif-
ferent disordersso an individual may have symptomsof multiple dis-
orders.The significancefor an ADDer is that he shouldn't expect his
symptomsto be exactlylike his child's,friend'sor spouse's.

For our purposes,we've madethe decisionto usethe genericlabel of

ADD in this book. First, it's easierto type than ADHD! Secondand
more important, the ADD label avoidsthe hyperactivity/nohyper-
activity issue.

Specific Symptoms of ADD

As we review specificsymptoms,you'll becomeawareof the imprecision

of definitions and descriptions,particularly asthey apply to ADD in
adults.One reasonfor this imprecisionis the complex nature of the
brain and centralnervoussystem.This complexitycreatesa billion-piece
jigsaw puzzleof possiblecausesand symptoms.Each of us is a puzzle
with an assortmentof puzzlepiecesuniquely different from another
ADDer. Adding to the diagnosticdilemma are the rapid behavioral
changesthat make a precisedescriptionof the disorder,difficult.

10
 UNornsrnNDING
rur DtsonogR
Tuar Merls Us FEEI-
Lxzy,Sruproon CnRzy

Definitionsand descriptionsof adult ADD are alsoimprecisebecause

adultsdon't have ADD, right?This \.\'asthe prevailingrheoryunril fair-
ly recently.The focuson hyperactivitythat frequentlydecreases
by ado-
lescencecausedresearchers to missmany of the more subtleproblems
that persistin adulthood.

Despitethe diagnosticdilemma,you need ro understandthe impact

ADD symptomshave on your life. You don'r have to be aWalkingEncy-
cbpediaof ADD , but you do need sufficientknowledgeto capitalizeon
your strengthsand bypassyour weaknesses. In the following secrion,
we'll examinethe three major sympromsof ADD. In Chaprer4, we'll
take a broaderlook at an ADDer's differencesrhat don't quite fit into
the diagnosticcriteria.

Inattention
Attention spanis a concept that has recently capturedthe public imag-
ination. There is even a tongue-in-cheekTV show,The Short Attention
SpanThearcr,purportedlydesignedfor the easilybored.

Most peoplecharacterizean attention deficit disorderasa problem of a

short attention span.Th"y think of ADDers asmental butterflies,flitting
from one taskor thought to anotherbut never alighting on anything.In
reality, attending is more than simply paying arrenrion.And a problem
with attending is more than simply not paying artention long eno,rgh.

It's more accurateto describeattentional problemsascomponentsof

the processof aftention. This processincludes clnosingtheright stimulus
to focuson, susfdiningthe focusover time, dividingfocusbetweenrel-
evant stimuli and shr/angfocusto anotherstimulus.Impairedfuncrion-
ing can occur in any or all of theseareasof attention. The result is a
failure to pay attention.

\Torkaholism, single-mindedness, procrastination,boredom-these are

common, and somewhatsurprisingmanifestationsof attentional prob-
lems.It might seemparadoxicalthat a workaholiccould have attentional
problems.It might seemparadoxicalthat a high-energyadult could
have trouble getting startedon his work.

1l
 You MpeNI'v Not Lazv.SruptoOn Cnazv?!

Thesemanifestationsare baffling only if ADD is viewed asa short

attention spanor worse,an excuse.When ALL the dimensionsof
attention are considered,it becomeseasierto understandthe diver-
sity of the manifestationsof ADD.
The Workaholic might have little difficulty selectingfocusor sus-
taining it but have greardifficulty shifting his focus.Unable to shift
attention betweenactivities,he can becomeengrossedin his iob to
the exclusionof everythingelsein his life.
Similar behavior can be seenin the personwho has trouble sustain-
ing attention. He strugglesso intently to shut out the world'sdistrac-
tions that he getslocked in to behavior that continueslong after it
shouldstop. It's asif he wearsblindersthat prevent him from seeing
anything but the task at hand. The housemight bum down and the
kids might run wild but he'll banish that last dust ball from the liv-
ing room!
The Procrastinator has the oppositeproblem.He can't selectively
focushis attention and might endurefrequentaccusationsabout his
laziness.In truth, he'sso distractedbv stimuli that he can't figure
out where or how to get started.Sounds,smells,sightsand the ran-
dom wanderingsof his thoughtscontinually vie for his attention.
Unable to selectthe most important stimulus,he approachesmost
a

2 t
o o
U

fi
\ \

t2
P I
 UNoSRsTRNDING
rur DIsoRosn
Tuer Mnxrs Us FEEr-
LAZr,Sruprnon Cnezy

tasksin a disorganizedfashion and has trouble finishing or some.

times even starting,anything. If the task is uninteresting,it's even
harder for him to sustainfocus.
Heightenedinterestand a belief in one'sultimate successimproves
the quality of aftending.With an inability to maintain focus,many
ADDers require intenselystimulating situationsto maintain alertness
and attentiveness. \Tithout this stimulation,attention wandersand
many of us are told we're unmotivated.
'We're
not unmotivated!Our problemswith selectiveattention com-
promiseour abilities to stayfocusedand productive.So it looksasif
we don't careand won't tryl In reality,we have to exertmany times the
effiortof non-ADDers to maintain adequatelevelsof motivarion.

Impulsioity
Impulsivity is a failure to stop and think. Being impulsivemeans
that many of us act and react with astonishirrgspeed and with little
thought about the consequences. Our brainsdon't control behavior
the way they should,so we sayand do things rashly.
\7hen we werechildren, we might have violated classroomrules,
insultedour parentsor run into the streetwithout looking.As adults,
we might blurt out confidential information or shareintimate details
with relative strangers.!7e might pull out from our drivewayswith-
out checking the rear view mirror or leavework two hours early to
enjol a beautiful springday.Controlling impulsesis tough for many
ADD adults!
Impulsiviry playsout in other, lessobviousways.It can affectthe qual.
ity of work on the job. The ADDer often rushesthrough taskswith
little preplanningand many carelesserrors.He might ger into debt
with impulsebuying, discardan imporrant documenror ruin a new
pieceof equipmentbecauseit takestoo long to readthe instructions.
"He l<nowstfu rules, but breal<s
themanyway."
"Hls work is careless
because hewon't tr\."
"He's wastinghis ability."
Thesecommentsreflect a misunderstandingof the impulsivewords
and actionsof ADDers. Most of us do know the rules.\il7el<nowour

13
 You MpnNI'v Not Ltzu, SruptpOn Cnazv?!

I(
1"1
\

work is neaterwhen we work slowly.Wel<rnw we arecapableof more

accuratework. Knowing thesethings, however,doesn'tmean that
we can easilycontrol the impulsivebehaviors.Peoplewho make
faulty assumptionsabout us don't understandthe enormouseffort
we expendkeepingour impulsesin check.

Hyperactivity

Hyperactivity is probablythe first symptompeoplethink of when

they talk about ADD. Th.y might immediatelyconjureup an image
of an overactive child bowrcingoff the wallsandhangingfromtfuLight
fixnnes!\Tithout question,this random, excessiveactivity can be a
primary symptomof ADD. But it describesonly one part of a larger
activity dysregulationthat includesa wide rangeof behaviors.

Rather than moving too much, someADDers talk too much! Barely
pausingfor breath, they talk so much and so fast that no one else

T4
 UNDTRsTRNDING
rHE DtsonorR TuRr MnrcEsUs Frrl Luzy,Sruplo on Cnazy

has a chanceto.sayanything. The speechhas a driven quality to it asif

the wordshave beenbottled up for centuriesand ared"rp"r"t" ro get our!

PR: "At a recent conference,I congratulatedmyselffor sticking to my

schedule.Just in time for our break,i sharedsomeinformation about
-mYown symptoms.I commentedthat, unlike my son,I wasn'tparticularly
hyperactive.

A memberof my audiencestoppedme ar the coffeepot and sharedher

observationsof my-presentationityle.she said,'you might not be hvp""
active' but do you know how fastyou talk?I have atten?edlots of *ork-
shops,but havenever leamedthe quantiryof information I just leamed!
And one more.thing. Do you know how many times you took the top
gf yo-urn9n 9ff and put it back-onagain?'At the end of the workrhoi,'
she thanked me profuselyfor the wealth of material I had shared,o f
guessI didn't overwhelmher too much with my non-hyperactivity!"

This anecdotehastwo messages. First,we can never stop leaming about

our behavioreven when we think we have a goodhandie on it. Se.o.,d,
it points out that hyperactivitycan manifestitself in more subtleways
than physicalover-acrivity.

Thesesubtlebehaviorsreflect
_thegeneralizedrestlessness and impa-
tie-ncemany of us experience.\7e-might have leamedto stop bouncing
off the walls and on the fumiture but we might still feel u..omfortable"
when we have to sit still. So we fidget, t"p o,lt fingersor twirl our hair.
Relaxing can be impossibleso we might take o. *-.rous hobbies,
work secondjobs or run in marathonson the weekend.

There is a final thing we shouldmention. Hyperactivity can be either a

deficit or an asset,dependingon the quality of the behavior.If the ac-
tivity is purposeful,hyperactivitycan help us ger more accomplished.

Someresearchers have studiedhyperactiveindividualswho don'r have

any of the other symptomsof ADD. Thesefolk are exrremelvactive
but don't seemto have problemswith attention,mood swingsor any of
the other roadblocksthat interferewith productivity.The issuJfor hypen
active ADD adultsis that much of their activiry is dysregulated,
,".rio*
and unproductive.

$
 You MEnNI'v Nor LAzt, SruptoOn Cnnzv?!

But. . .Why??
ADDers are curiousfolk. Th"y are rarely able to let anything go by with-
out asking,"But, why?"You may be askingthis questionabout your
symptomJ."l u- inattentive, impulsiveand hyperactive-but why do
I have this baffling disorderl"If we could give you a tidy answerto your
question,,erearcherswould herald our discovery.Since no one knows
for r.rr" what causesADD, the bestwe can do is examinepossibilities.
To get started,you'll need a crashcoursein the I'letnoLogy of theBrain
and,theCenualNerq/ous System.Don't close the book yet! \7e promise
to makethis aspainlessaspossible.But it's difficult to understandADD
without knowing someof rhe "whys" of the disorder.Why is your ADD
different from each of ours?\Uhy do your symptomsseemto changeso
much?Why do your symptomssometimescauselittle or no problem?
\Tithout somebasicknowledge,it's easyto assumethat this disorderis
your fault. So,here goes.

Research Tools
As knowledgeabout ADD hasgrown, researchhas increasinglyfocused
on rhe possibiliryrhat the ADD brain and centralnervoussystemare
somehow wireddifferently.Testingsomeof the theoriesis tricky be'
causeresearchers can't open up an ADDer's skull to studyhis brain!
Even if they could, it would be nearly impossibleto isolateand examine
a particular chemical or a specificportion of the brain. The human
brain is simply too complex and has many interrelatedparts.
Instead,scientistsare usingsophisticatedimagingdevicq to scanthe
brain. Brain Imaglngisone promisingtechniquethat maylrovide infor-
marion about th" cutnesand treatment of ADD. You are undoubtedly
familiar with the X-ray and CAT scanthat provide picturesof struc-
turesinsidethe human body.Another imagingtechniqueis nuclear
magneticresonance,(NMR.), alsoknown asmagneticresonanceimag'
ing (MRI).Thesetechniquesusemagneticfieldsto obtain clearerpic-
t,ri"r than thoseof a CAf scan.All thesemethods,however,have
limitations. They show the structureor shapeof the brain but don't tell
us much about hoq,the brain works.
Scientistsalsousedrug responsesto indirectly studybrain activity.Th.y
know that certain drugsincreasethe quantity of neurotransmittersin

t6
 UNoSRSTaNDING
rHE DIsoRnpRTHer lv{.lrEs Us Fprl Lnzy. Srupro on Cnnzy

the brain. A positive drug responsesuggesrs

an insufficiencyof the
neurochemicalaffectedby the particulardrug.

How doesthis fit into the theoriesabout the possiblecausesof ADD?

Lett take that crashcoursein Neurologyto glt better understanding
of the "why's" of your disorder. "

The Basics of Neurology

The brain and other partsof the central nervoussysrem(CNS) func-

tion asa wonderfuland intricate CommsrdCentpr,This commandcen-
ter coordinatesall systemsof the human body through a messenger sys-
tem. It sendsmessages and receivesthosesent from variouspartsof the
body and from the outsideworld. It alsoregulatesand controlsbehavior.

The messenger systemof the CNS consistsof millions of nerve cells.

These are cell bodieswith long, thin projectionscalled axonsandden-
drites.Impulsesarecarriedalong the length of a nerve cell and jump from
one cell to anotherin much the samewayelectricitytravelstbrougha wire.

"The Brain's Postal S"ystem"

I7
 You Menr I'rt Not Lxzt, SruptoOn Cnazv?!

Messages arefirst receivedby receptorsin.the nerve cell'sdendrite.The

;;d. in the form of an electrical impulse,travelsfrom the dendrite
throuih the cell body and the axon. At the end of the axon is a syn'
apse,I g"p betweenthe nervecel1s.The eiectricalimpulse,.ormessage
is .o.td[.i"d acrossthe synapseby chemical messengers called newo'
ian ^itters. Thesechemi."li carry the message across gapfrom one
the
cell'saxon to another'sdendrite.
you might be familiar with someof theseneurotransmitters.Endorphins
ar" th"lain relieving neurotransmittersthat act asthe body'sown
morphine.An outpouringof endorphinsduring vigorousexercisecauses
the marathon r,rni-rer's "liigh". This increaseprotectshis body-from
f."n"g the pain of stressedhusclesand;oints-an athlete is often un'
aninjury until he rests.Epineplvine,better known asadren-
alin, is rhe neurorransmitterthat mobiliresthe reaction to danger.This
"*".if
the fghr or fhghtresponse.The heart beatsrapldlVand the breath-
".ti,r"t",
ing passag"tb".ome wider so one can either run or fight an enemy.

That wasn'ttoo bad,wasit? Now let'susethis informationaswe consider

sometheoriesthat have emergedfrom research'

Current Theories About the Key Players in ADD

Since the Command Center is so complex,it isn't surprisingthat there
are conflicting theoriesabout the causesof ADD. Although there isn't
consensur,,nurryresearchers agreethat this interrelatedsystemis dysreg'
ulated in somefurhiorr. The following discussionexaminessomeof the
theoriesabout this dysregulationaswell asan assortmentof other pro-
posedtheories.
Neurotransmitters
Someresearchers have usedindirect d*g responseresearchto conclude
that an insufficient quantity of the neurotransmitterdopaminemay play
a role in ADD. Since stimulant drugsusedin the treatment of ADD
increasedopaminelevels,an insufficient level of this chemicalmight
be a part of ADD.
Frontal Lobes
Researchersu have found reducedblood flow in the frontal lobe areaof
the brainsof ADD adults (Seedrawing).They have been able to ob-
the brain in action through a combination of scanningdevices
__s_e_rve

18
 uNoeRsreNDrNc
rur DrsonosR
THRI MnrEsUs Fmr-L,+zy,sruproon cRazy

[Re>rrrnu RErrc u u/tG{

L.c)Br5 AcrrrzATlN G
sYSrEF.1

"The Commurtication Feedback Laop: The Reticular

Activating Systemand the Frontal Lobes"

and radioactivetracers.Areaswith high levelsof the radioactivesub-

stancehave the greatestblood flow. Since blood flow is an indicator of
brain activity or work, a reducedflow in the frontal lobessuggesrs
loweredactivity in this area.
The frontal lobesarecritical to many of the brain'sexecurivefunctions.
Thesefunctions include planning, initiative and the abiliry ro regulate
behavior.It makessensethat they might, therefore,play a signifiiant
role in ADD. Actual frontal lobe brain damagecausesimpulsiviry,mood
swingsdisinhibitedbehaviorand sometimeshlperactiviry.Thesesymproms
resemblethoseof ADD but aremoresevere.
Reticular Activating System
The reticular activating systemis in the brain stem.It's the seatof arousal
in the human brain and regulatesthe stateof alertnessfrom deepsleepto
full, wakingcornciousness. Sincealermessis a big problemfor an ADDer-
he hastrouble staylngawakeand payingarrention-an impairmenrin
this systemmight causesomesympromsof the disorder.

L9
 You MraN I't,tNor Lnzv,SruptoOn Cnnzv?!

The functions of the reticular activating systemand the frontal lobes

interact asa conLmwicanon feedbacklno1. some expertsbelieve that the
problemsof ADD lie somewherealong this loop, perhapsasa shorcin
the wiring.T

This intriguing theory might explain the inconsistentperformanceand

erraricsympromsof ADD. Similar to a looseelectricalwire, a short in
functioning. Some-
the loop of the brain'swiring could causedysregulated
times it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Primary Sleep Disorder

Someresearchers theorizethat the core problem in ADD isn't excess
acdviry but rather,underarousal.u In other words,peoplewith ADD
aren'rfully awakeand alert. Thesescientistshypothesizethat a high ac-
tivity level might be in part an effort to stayawake.Sleepdisturbances
are fairly common in ADDers. Many experienceirregularpattems of
sleeplessness and reawakening.Others sleepso deeplythat arousalis
difficult.

Researchinto sleepingand waking pattems suggests to someinvestiga-

rors thar the disorderarisesfrom a primary sleep disorder.In other words,
the personwith ADD sleepspoorly and asa result,has arousal problems
during the day.Other recent researchindicatesthat deepdreamstates
arenecessaryto anchor leaming in memory.This suggests to us that
someADD adult may demonstrate associated leaming problems because
their sleepirregularitiesinterferewith this deepdream state.

Parenting or Heredity?
There are many unansweredquestionsabout ADD but we know that
in many,if not most cases,it's an inherited trait. Children with ADD
are likely to have ADD parentsor closerelatives.This might not come
asa surpriseif you are the ADD parent of an ADD child.

Not all family traits resultfrom genetic inheritance.Parentspasson

characreristicsto their children through their behaviorsand their child-
rearingsryles-children imitate their parentsand tend to adopt their
values.When your son talks to his playmatesand soundslike a taped
recordingof your voice with preciselyduplicatedwords,inflections and
pauses,you know the power of modeledbehavior.

7.0
 UNoERSInNDING
rHE Dtsonopn THer Mnxes Us FEEr-
Lnzy. Srupro on Cnazy
?

The questionof nature versusnurture has alwaysbeen tricky. Do we

inherit our behavioralcharacteristicsor do we leam them?

PR: "'W'henI wasin collegein the late '60's,the theme of respecting

individual differenceswasan integral part of my "methods"courses.I
wastaught that behaviorand leaming problemsresultedin largepart
'Was
from emotional and environmental factors. there a new babv in
the home, a death in the family or a divorcel

The underlyingphilosophyof my training wasthat nurture, or environ-

ment wasthe primary determinerof behavior.During my four yearsof
educationcourses,I don't ever rememberhearingthat nature,or inbom
geneticsplayedany role at all in leamingproblems."

Theory of Blame
This theory holds that the only reasonableexplanationfor misbehavior
or leaming problemsis that someone,usuallya parent, is doing some-
thing wrong. If you are a parent,you'reprobablywell acquaintedwith
child-rearingexperts
who believe in this theory.Thesefolk are the friends,
family and teacherswho eagerlyoffer unwantedcommentsand advice
about the correct method for raisingyour children:

"He woul.dneverbehauelike that in my house."

"You.ere too toughon him."
"YoLraren'ttoughenoughonhim."
" ALIhe needsis grandma'sspatulaon lusbottom."

Many of us do our own shareof blaming, especiallybeforewe leam about

our disorder.Unaware of the underlyingADD, we often grow up blaming
our problemson our upbringing and believing that everything wrong
in our lives is causedby our dysfunctionalfamilies.Our analysisfocuses
on the impact of environment,minimizing or excludingconsideration
of a neurologicalmake-up.

This rather limited view of human behaviormay be fosteredby the

value \Testem culture placeson self-determination.'!7epreferto feel
that we have control over eventsand can shapedestinyby our actions.
It's unnerving to think that our childrert comeas theyare and that we
have somewhatlimited influenceon their behavior.

ZT
 You MEaNI'vt Not Lazv.SruptoOn Cnnzvl!

Although the jury may be out foreveron this issue,adoption studiesn

indicate that heredity has a strongerinfluence on ADD than environ-
ment. For reasonsthat areunclear,a high percentageof adoptedchil-
dren haveADD even though their adoptiveparentshave a low incidence
of the disorder.When researchhasstudiedthe birth parentsand families
of theseadoptedADD children, it hasfound a high incidenceof ADD.
Thesefindings point to a geneticbasisfor the syndrome.

Many other studiessupportthe theory of a strongheredity component.

A University of Minnesotastudypublishedin 1988examinedthe
effectof geneson personality.The subjectswere identical twins who
had been separatedat birth and rearedapart.The studyfound that the
twins sharedcharacteristicssuch asa preferencefor cold coffeeand
wearingthree rings on one hand and four on the other.l.The research
findings raisedcritical questionsabout environment asthe primary in-
fluenceon personalirydevelopment.

Relatedresearchhasfocusedon inbom personalitycharacteristics,or

temperament.The New York Longitudinal Study" followed a large
Three groupsof
groupof children frorn birth until late adolescence.
different temperamentalstylesemergedfrom the research:

Easy Slow,to,Warm, Difficult

Children up Children Children
adaptwellto routines withdifficulty
adjust to haveirregular
eating
newsituations patterns
andsleeping

fairlyquickly
adjust fromnew
withdraw poor
display
to change expeflences adaptability

showmildto moderate quietly

withdraw respondwith
levels
ofintensity fromchange highintensity

cryonlyforspecific welleventually
adjust 0verreact
t0
needs:hunger,wet sensory
stimulation
diaper,etc.
positive
display havegenerally
moods
andreactions negative
moods
levels
havehighactivity

72
 THnr M.,lresUs FEsr-
rHEDrsoRoEn
UNorRsrnNDrNG Lezv,Sruptoon Cnezv

As infants and young children, ADDers often fall into the categoryof
difficult children. In one group of young children later diagnosedwith
ADD,t' asmany as 70olohad demonstratedsymptomsof their disorder
by agetwo or earlier.
Although not all difficult children have ADD, their irregularpattems
of reacting,eating,and sleepingresemblethe symptomsof ADD. Some
expertsconsiderADD an extremein the rangeof normal temperamen-
tal differences.
that a child is bom with a temperamentals{le
This researchemphasizes
that remainsremarkablystableover time. Although a parent can influ-
ence the developmentof his child, he can't causea difficult disposition.

Pregnancy and Childbirth Complications

No one is sureabout the relationshipbetweenbirth complications,pre-
natal factorsand ADD. In a smallpercentageof cases,there is evidence
that pre andpostbirth problemsincreasethe infant'srisk of developing
symptomsof ADD. The risk factorsinclude poor matemal health, ma-
temal ageof twenty or less,long labor,fetal distressor post-maturity.

Most peoplewith ADD don't have a history of theserisk factors.Con-

versely,most children with historiesof prenataland childbirth compli-
cationsdon't developADD. It doesappear,however,that early damage
to the CNS is a factor in a small percentageof ADDers.

Environmental Toxins
There is ongoing debateabout an increasein the numbersof children
newly diagnosedwith ADD. Since definitions of ADD have changed
over time, particularlyregardinghyperactivity,it's difficult to analyze
this increase.Somearguethat the incidencehasn't increasedbut that
improveddiagnosticmethodshave identified children with more subtle
forms of the disorder.

Othersspeculatethat environmentaltoxins play a role. It is undoubtedly

true rhar environmentalhazardsare threateningour health. One third
of children with lead poisoninghave symptomsof ADD. The role of
other pollutants in causingor exacerbatingADD is a big questionmark.
k's reasonableto suspectthat they might play a part asother substances
do, in variouspattemsof neurologicaldamage.

73
 You MpaNI'v Nor L,+zv.SruproOn Cnazv?!

Food Dyes, Additives and Sugar

Have you seenthe cartoon illustrating a mother in the grocerystore
with her hyperactivechild?\XAile he runs up and down the aisles,she
readsthe label on a box that promises:"This cerealwill take the hyper-
activity right out of them!" If only it weretrue.

For years,a number of parentsand professionals have sworn by the

Theoryof FoodDyes,Addinues andSugarasthe causeof ADD. Dr. Ben-
jamin Feingold,"a pediatricianand allergist,developeda specialdiet
to eliminate food additivesand salicylates.The diet doesseemto relieve
the symptomsin about 5o/oof ADD children. Dr. Lendon Smithtaholds
that the primary culprit in ADD is the consumptionof a largequantity
of refined sugar.

The,.etheorieshave been repeatedlytestedwith little corroborationof

their proponents'findings.Someparentsare convinced that sugarin
particular,makestheir children hyperactive.Scientific studiesaside,if
a particularfood or additive seemsto contribute to symptoms,it makes
senseto eliminate it from the diet. There may be a subgroupof ADDers
who aresensitiveto somefood substances.

Information Explosion
Somebelievethat "psychologicalhazards"of our increasinglycomplex
societycontribute to the higher incidenceof ADD. In his book Fuune
Shoclc,Alan Toffler'5predictedthat dire psychologicalconsequences
would resultfrom the rapid changesin modem society.

The Theoryof InformanonExplo.sion has validity. Many people regarded

asentirely normalin a simplersociety,could becomeoverwhelmedby
the demandsof a fast-paced,complex one. This doesn'tmean that the
psychologicalhazardscauseADD. It doesseemlogical,however,that
they could make the symptomsmore noticeableand disabling.

Just a Bad Apple

\7e doubt that anyoneis doing researchon this popular,unscientific
theory! It goeslike this: The enaticbehnq)ior
of '\DD childrenand adulx is
intentional,mnliciouslyplanned misbehavior,

This variation on the theme of the Theoryof Blameis basedon the

assumptionthat an ADDer can control his behaviorbut chooses not
74
 UNornsrnNDrNG
rsg DrsonogR
THRI Mnrrs Us Frel Ltzy. SruprooRCRRzy

to. Of course,thesetheoristsdon't have ADD and don't have a clue

what it's like to live with the disorder.

\ . 4
: -

vi

As an ADD adult, you didn't askto be bom this way but you do need
to work hard to shoot holes in this theory.Using your disorderasan
excusefor irresponsiblebehaviordoesn'thelp your personalgrowth and
gives the BadAppl" theoristsammunition. A11of us need to develop
strategiesto manageour symptoms-but we need to do it with self-
acceptanceand forgiveness.Everypersonwith a disability has to make
the best of the cardshe'sbeen dealt.

How Common is ADD?

How many of us arethere?Is ADD common?We have to say,somewhat

apologetically,that we don't have the answerto thesequestions!But
here are some guesstimates.
z5
 You MEnNI'r'rNor Lnzv.SruproOn Cnezv?!

The prevalencefiguresreportedin professionalliterature vary widely

from 1oloto Z0o/oof the population. Studiesthat include individuals
without hyperactivirycite a Z0o/oprevalencefigure.The estimateac-
ceptedmany professionals is a conservative(in our opinion) 3-5o/o.
Your question,"But why?"may be on the tip of your tongue.!7hy is
there so little consensus?

First, there is a lack of agreementabout symptorns.Someresearchstudies

include individualswithout hyperactivityand somedon't. Second,most
researchhas focusedon children and hasn't included adolescentand
adult subjects.The lack of consensusabout diagnosticcriteria and a
somewhatlimited number of studieswith ADD adultshas resultedin
statisticsthat vary from studyto study.

Am I Still ADD After All These Years?

\X/hile the expertsexaminedefinitions, statisticsand the existenceof
ADD in adults,many of us are too busydealingwith our disorderto
debatetheseissues.We know, or at leaststronglysuspect,that we are
SrilJADD After AILTheseYears. And we're strugglingdaily with the
realiry of this disorderin our lives.\Ue've been trying to tell everybody
with our wordsand behaviorsthat we haven't maturedout of this "child-
hood disorder".Until fairly recently,no one waslistening.

The nature of our hidden handicapand our ability to manageour symp-

tomshave fooled scientistsinto thinking ADD is just for kids. As chil-
dren we may have worn ow '\DD on oLLrsleeues aswe bounced off walls
and destroyedeverything in sight. By the time we becomeadults,how-
ever,most of us have leamedto channel someof the energyinto more
sociallyacceptedactivities.Neurologicalchangesmight alsocontribute
to someof theseadaptivebehaviors.The result is adultswho still have
ADD but who have leamed to hide or redirect their more obvious
symptoms.

KK: "My experiencehas heightenedmy awareness about the preva-

lence of ADD in adults.Three yearsago I beganteachingin a small
liberal arts college.A year into my teaching,I discoveredthat I had
ADD and beganeducatingmyselfabout the disorderin adults.

z6
 ruE DrsoRognTHRI Mnrrs Us FeEr-Llzv,Srupto on Cnazv
UNoERsTRNDING

lUith this new understanding,I becameacutelyawareof studentsin my

classeswho were like me. The first thing I noticed wasthe fidgetiness.
Thesestudentswerenot classicallyhyperactivebut continually jiggled
their feet, tappedtheir pencilsor doodled.After the first of two lecture
hours, they would begin to sigh impatiently.

I madethe startling observationthat I could identifu problemsof atten-

tion and organizationin studentssolelyon the basisof their activity
levels.Thesestudents,often the brightestin my classes, continually
interrupted to askwhat I had just saidor registeredblank looks of con-
fusion. Somehad difficulty with written work, their brainsgoing so fast
they skippedover transitional ideasor left out important details.Th"y
alsotended to blurt out irrelevant comments.Many had leamedto
compensatequite well but becamedisorganizedin novel and stressful
situationssuch asthe start of new nursingclinical rotations.

Youngreaderswho arejust beginning adult life should take heart from

my experiences.Many of my studentswereexcellentleamersand work-
erswith positivequalitiesof extra energyand fresh,creativeapproaches.
Th"y are representativeof many adultswho copesuccessfullywith ADD.
I have little doubt that severalof them will have distinguishedcareers.

My experiencewith nursingstudentsbringsme to another point. With

one exception,the women I identified with probableaftention deficits
hadn't been diagnosedaschildren. This is common for many adults,
particularly women. Little girls with ADD tend to be lessphysically
hyperactiveand aggressive than ADD boys.Th"y may receivelesspun-
ishment and disapprovalthan their male counterpartsbut often become
lost in the shufrle.Their symptomsare so subtlethat no one identifies
their problems."

ADD is a Childhood Disorder that Occurs

Primarily in Boys
'We
of thoughtexperts,but auth-
hate to break this news to the old-schoo|
ors Kelly and Ramundoare ADDers who are neither boysnor children!
The assumptionthat many more boysthan girls have ADD, is being
challengedasincreasingnumbersof adult women are newly diagnosed.

27
 You MraN I'v Nor Lezy,SruproOn Cnazy?!

Historically,six times more boysthan girls have been diagnosedwith

the disorder.The ratio is closerro one:one if ADD without hyperac-
tivity is included.t6Thesestatisticssuggestthat the leaming and adjust.
ment problemsof many ADD girls are too subtleto be identified. This
apparentunder-identificationof girls and non-hyperactiveboysis a
seriousproblem.Thesechildren-and adults-have specialneedsthat
are too often overlooked.
'We
have consideredseveralquestionsthat don't have easyanswers.
Although most of us are uncomfortablewith ambiguity,we need to
focusour attention on other issuesthat do have answers.

"How hasthisdisorderhadan irnpacton mJ life?"

"How do ^y differencesplayout in my dnily Life?"
"How canI lwlp myselfl"

In the next three chapters,we'll look at the impact ADD has at various
stagesof life and at the wayseach of us is uniquely differenr from our
non-ADD peers.!7e'11devotethe remainderof the book to rhe third
questionand sharelots of suggestions for managingsympromsand dis-
coveringyour ADDed Dimension.

z8
 CHaprEn 3

Thelrnpacfof
Growing
UpwitheDD
R"*"-ber the Theory of Blame?Blame often fuels a deadlycycle of
disapproval.Considerthe following scene.

Youare in the grocerJstoreuying to shopwith your child"who is tosslng

orangesdcrosstheproduceaisleand pulling rhingsoff the shelq,tes.Youare
keenlyawareof the disapprovingglaresof other shoppers and"hearseueral
muttered,"I would"never all.owmy child to act Lil<e.
tlwt!" In response
to the
disapprovaland JoLLrgrowingfrustration, Jou angrilygab Jour childand,
teIIhersheis an embarrassment and you've justabouthad"it with her
obnoxiousbehauior.Sheresponds eitherby throwingan orangeat Jou or
writhingin a ternpertantrLunon thefloor.

Many of us have countlesschildhood memoriesof similar scenes.We

werereactingpredictablyto the ADD wiring in our brainswhile our
parentswere trying to do the best they could in a tough situation.

Thesenegativecyclesof interactionsand reactionsresult from blame.

Teachersof an underachievingstudentblamethe parentsfor not properly
supportingthe child's leaming. The parentsblame the teachersfor their
incompetence.And everyoneblamesthe child. Thesenegativeinterper-
sonalcyclesbegin early in an ADD child's life and impact in a varieryof
wayson her subsequentdevelopment.

ADD adultshave to copenot only with individual symptomsbut also

with the negativereactionsof others.It hasbeensaidthat personality
developsaround the ADD handicap-the way each of us dealswith
our abilitiesand disabilitiesis affectedby our life experiences.

29
 You MraN I'u Nor Lazy,SruproOn Cnazy?!

To examineADD's impact at different agesand stagesof life, we'll bor-

row psychologistDr. Eric Erikson'st?
frameworkof psychosocialdeve-
lopment. The backdropwill be the Cycle of Blame and Disapproval
that makesgrowing up with ADD so difficult.

Developmental Ages and Stages

and the Cycle of Disapproval
Infancy-Thrst vs. Mistmst
This first stagelastsroughly through the first year of life. The infant's
world is filled primarily with sensoryexperiences.Especiallyin the early
months, shehas little control over her world and relieson caregivers
fo1h9r safetyand security.For many babiesand their familier, th. stage
of infancy meansfrequentdiapering,soothing,dressing,3:00 a.m. feed-
ingsand fatigue.But parenrand babydevelopa happycoexisrence.

The ADD Infant: This stagecan play out quite differently in the house-
hold of an ADD baby.Many of our owrr mothersmight still talk rwenty
or thirty yearslater about how difficult we werebeforewe wereboml
Even in utero, someADD babiescontinually kick their morhers,allowing
them little sleep.Somemothersof ADDers speakruefullyof the pregnancy
asa training period for the lifetime ro come!

Sleeplessnights and harried daysbecomea way of life asthe parenr

copeswith irregulareating and sleepingpatterns.Her infant tendsto
be over active, cranky,easilystimulatedand loud! Her attemprsro
calm and comfort her babyarefrequentlyunsuccessful. In fact, holding
her screamingdaughterseemsto make things worse.It isn't uncom-
mon for this mother to saylarer that her baby"jusr didn't like her".

Difficult infants are uncomfortableand unlwppy.Their parenrsfeel a

mixture of anger,disappointmentand self-blameat their own apparenr
incompetence.During rheseearly months, the dynamicsof ADD
alreadybegin to have a negativeimpact on family relationships.

Toddler Years-Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt

From about 12 months to 3 W- yearcold,the toddler developswaysof
acting on and reactingto her world. This is a time for gaining self-con.
trol and a senseof pride asshebeginsto make choices.

30
 THeIupncr Or GnowrNcUp Wrru ADD

During this time, shedevelopslanguageskills and strugglesfor separa-

tion from her caretakers.She mastersthe word "NO!" and acquiies
the behaviorsshe'll need for admissioninto the elite Tenibl^e
Z'sclub.
She'sno longer totally dependenron others and beginsto jockey for
power in the family unit.

This_frstadalescerrceand the powerstrugglesthat ensueareremarkably

similar to the one that followsabout ten or twelve yearslaterl Parents
cling with desperatehope to the folk wisdomabout the Terrible 2'snot
lasting forever.For many,this is a difficult period. It requiresenormous
patience as they attempt to guide their children'seffor$ towardsinde-
pendencewithout beingover-controllingor protective.

The ADD Tbddler:The battle of wills betweenthe ADD child and

her family really heatsup during this stage.Tempersflare as rhe child's
negativepersistenceand poor adaptabilityclasheswith parentalat-
temptsto contain the out-of-controlbehaviors.Even the most consis-
tent, conscientiousparent can becomedisheartenedat her child'sseem-
ing unwillingnessto follow rules.

Once mobile, the ADD toddler may be somewhatlessfussyasshedis-

coversthe excitement of new worlds to conquer.This is often a mixed
blessingfor her parentswho are led on a merry chase! "My child never
walked,shealwaysran," is a common refrain.The ADD toddler also
rolls, climbs,jumps and swingsherselfinto situationsthat strike teffor
in her parent'sheart. Hyperactive,impulsivetoddlersand preschoolers
are more likely to have accidentsand accidentalpoisoningsthan non-
ADDers.

PR: "l have a vaguememoryfrom when I was 18 months old, of a

room with yellow tile and a red lollipop in the corner of my mourh.
That's all I rememberabout that early emergencyroom visit that ended
with five stitchesin my rongue.

But I vividly recall an accidentseveralyearslater that wasbut one in

a long string of injuries. As I crashedthrough my neighbor'swhite pic-
ket fence,I clearlyrememberyelling, "oh, oo, not more stitches!"
And I alsoremembermy morher looking ar my bloody eye and saying,
"Not again!"

3I
 You MenNI'v Nor Lnzy.SruproOn Cnnzy?!

KK: "One of my more memorableemergencyroom visits resulted

from plugginga barbecuefork into an electrical outlet. The experi-
ence made a lasting impression.To this day,I have a fear of plugging
in anything electrical!

I have been told that when my mother wasfeeling particularly desper-

ate, shewould tie me to a tree in the yard so I wouldn't hurt myselfor

,r
t,

someoneelse.\Uhen I first heard this story I washorrified! After I be-

camea parent myself,I could empathizewith the frustration my moth-
er must have felt. And I only have one child-I can hardly imagine
how my pregnantmother managedat all, with her 1 year old daughter
and veryhyperactwe 2 yearoldl"

SomeADDers are rather calm and placid asinfants and toddlersonly to

wakeup later aspreschoolers.
The homesof thesetoddlersmight not be

3Z
 THEIupncr Or GnowrNcUp tJilrruADD

battle zonesbut can bear a striking resemblanceto designated disaster

areasafter a major storm! Debris from toys and belongingsare often
strewnall over the houseby the distractibletoddler assheflits from one
activity to another.

The ADD child's lack of control getsin the way of her establishinga
healthy senseof independenceand createsseriousfeelingsof inad"q.ra-
cy in her parents.Misunderstandingsfrequently erupt betweenthe
parentsof this child, particularly if one parent isn't working outside
the home.

The working parent usuallyspendsjust a few hours with the child in

the early evening.This parent can be unsympatheticro rhe com-
plaints of the exhaustedspousewho spent all day with the difficult
toddler. One stay-at-homemother reportedthat the best thing that
ever happenedwasher husband'slosing his 1ob.After about three
weeksat home with his ADD toddler, he profuselyapologizedfor his
earlier,unfair assessmentof his wife'sparentingskillsl

Preschool-Initiative vs. Guilt

The preschoolchild leams to make increasinglypurposefuldecisions
and behavioralchoicesduring this stagein her development.She has
masteredher autonomy,has a clear senseof herselfasseparatefrom
others and beginsto developfeelingsof empathy.Through daily trial
and error, she gainsan awarenessof her position in the schemeof
things and assumes someresponsibilityfor her behavior.

The ADD Preschooler:By this point in an ADD child's life, the par-
ent knows that the folk wisdom isn't true. The Terrible 2'sshould be
over by now but her child is aswillful and difficult asever.The power
strugglesthat have been raging for a while, escalate.The parenr often
feelsthat she is fighting a losing battle againsther child's inabiliry ro
plan and acceptlimits. She worriesthat while other children are color-
ing, building with blocksand developingfriendships,her daughteris
wanderingaround aimlessly.

Somepreschoolerscontinue to have irregulareating and sleepingpattems

and resistall attemptsat toilet training. Motor clumsinesscan alsobe-
comemore apparentasthe older preschoolerundertakesthe complex

33
 You MEnNI'v Nor Lazy.SrupinOn Cnazy?!

tasksof dressingand tying shoes,cutting, coloring and writing.

The preschoolteacheris usuallythe first personto describethe ADD

child asimmature.It's a word that her parentswill probablyhear for
yearsto come! In a preschoolsetting,the age-inappropriateness of the
child'sbehavioris particularlynoticeable.Thntrumsthat werenormal
during the Terrible 2'sare an embarrassmentat 3 or 4 yearsold.

Interestingly,many immatureADD children who often have difficulty

with change,don't seemto sufferfrom the separationanxiety charac-
teristic of their age-mates.
The early,fierce independenceseemsto
smooth the ffansition from home to preschool.

PR: "l countedthe daysuntil my youngson would start nurseryschool.

While my friendssharedtheir anxietiesabout leavingtheir children, I
could hardlycontain my joy at the prospect!

\7ith my son in tow, I hunied pastseveraltearful mothersasupsetas

their children wereaboutthe impendingseparation.I must admit that I
wasn'tpreparedfor my feelingswhen Jeremyran into his new classroom,
never even tuming aroundat the door to saygoodbye! I wonderedwhy
he wasn'tjust a little sadaboutleavingme.

I didn't feel any better when I returnedto pick him up. After dodging
preschoolersleapingjoyfully into their mothers' arms,I greetedmy son
who lookedat me and said,"l don't want to leave."

Many parentsbegin their searchfor answersto the riddle of their ADD

child during the preschoolyears.On the adviceof the preschoolteach-
er, a parent decidesto find out why her daughterdoesn'tlisten and
follow directions.The fact-findingmissionto the audiologistis usually
unproductive.The evaluationrarelyyieldsany information about a
specific\earing loss.

This trip to the audiologistoften overlapsmultiple visits to the pedia-

trician for recurringboutsof otitis media (middle ear infections).The
temporaryhearinglossthat accompaniestheseear infectionscon-
ffibutesto the ADD child'sdifficultiesin listeningand following direc-
tions in preschool.Developmentallagsin speechor languagecan also

34
 Tur Ivpncr Or GnowrNcUp Wrru ADD

occur if the infections becomechronic. The parent might find herself

visiting the audiologistagainfor her child's languagetherapy and ear
tubesto prevent additional infections.

Not only is there a strongcorrelationbetweenADD and middle ear

infections,there is alsoa high incidenceof allergies,asthmaand other
respiratoryproblems.Thefamiliesof ADD preschoolers often spend
hours in physicians'waiting rooms!

The preschoolyearsaren't necessarilyeasyonesfor ADD children but

are in general,lessproblematicthan the schoolyearsthat follow. The
demandsplacedon young children take into accountthe wide dif-
ferencesbetweenindividual children of the sameage.Preschoolteachers
expectchildren to be at differentstagesof social,emotionaland academic
development.Freedomof choice is built in to the structureof early
childhood education.

Expectationschangedramaticallyasthesechildren move into elementary

school.As an ADD child makesthe transition to the next stage,she
encountersincreasingpressureto competeand perform sociallyand
academically.

Elementary School-Industry vs. Inferiority

The elementaryschoolyearsare critical onesasthe developingchild
beginsthe processof acquiringthe skills sheneedsto take her place in
society.Children who are for whatever reason,unable to masterthe
requiredskills, often develop a senseof inferiority. This is when the
proverbialyouknow whathits the fan for many children with attention
deficits.

The School-AgedADD Child: The philosophyof earlyeducationis to

teach children generalskills through exposureto varied experiences.
\Tithin the preschoolenvironment,the ADD preschooler's deficitsmay
be relativelyhidden or ascribedto immaturity.

In elementaryschool,however,the ruleschange.Suddenly,the curious

preschoolerbecomesa studenr.She is expectedto learn specific
skills
and demonstrateher knowledge in measurableways,ie. tests.The
gradesmarked on her papersand report cardsreflecthow shemeasures

35
 You MenNI'ruNor Lxzy. SruproOn Cnnzy?!

up to classmates.
Thesemeasurements include specificsubjectsaswell
aseffort and conduct. As demandsfor perforrnanceand comparisonsto
peersincrease,she becomesat risk for failure and subsequentlossof
selfesteem.

Many ADD children have trouble leaming in traditional classrooms

whereteacherstalk and studentlisten. The overuseof written testsand
one word answersasmeasuresof leaming addsto their problems.Th.y
often find it difficult to measweup.

36
 THr Iupncr Or GnowrNcUp lhrH ADD

Strong verbal skills can help an ADD studentfill in the gapsof the in.
formation she misses.On the other hand, she might sufferprecisely
becauseshe can get by. As she movesup through the gradelevels,she
may begin to fail. The complexity of details and demandsfor instant
memory recall tax her fragile skills. "Help" often comesin the form of
lecturesabout her lack of effort. As the quantity of requiredwritten
work exceedsher abiliry to produce,she is accusedof carelessness, poor
motivation and irresponsibility.

This litany is a constanttheme in the lives of ADD schoolchildrenwhose

qualiry of work variesfrom day to day.Information that seemsclear on
Monday is suddenlyincomprehensibleon Tuesday.Teachersoften misun-
derstandthe confusionthesechildren feel and comment that they aretoo
smartto be acting sodumb.This often leadsto the label of "underachiever".

A child with lessability often escapesthe criticism that plaguesthe

underachieverbut she may be written off and missthe opportunity to
reachher potential. Faulty assumptionsrelegarerhis ADD child ro rhe
lowest readingand math groupswhere she is never expectedto ac-
complish very much.

An impulsiveADD child often spendsasmuch time in the hall or

principal'soffice asshe doesin her classroom!The frustratedteacher
sometimessuggests that the disruptivestudentbe evaluatedbVthe school
psychologist.The testingrarelyuncoversthe attention deficits. More often
than not, the child receivesa placementin a specialclassfor the emo-
tionally or behaviorallydisturbed.

In socialsituations,impulsiveand hyperactivechildren arecharacterized

asbullies and the non-hyperactive,reservedchildren asweird, flaky
or nerdy.Although many ADD children experiencesocialproblems,
the "bullies" seemto have somewhatlesstrouble than their "weird"
counterparts.Peersoften admire or at leasttolerate rowdinessmore
than they do eccentricity.The impaired socialskills of non-hyperac-
tive ADD children (who are often girls) resultsin lonely isolation.
Ostracizedby classmates,they may spendtheir recesstimes playing alone.
Parentsoften saytheir greatestconcem is their daughter'slack of friends.

37
 You MEaNI'v Nor Lazv.SruptoOn Cnazv?!

The drive to be competent in the school yearsincludesa keen interest

in excellingat extra-curricularactivities.Even if an ADD child fails
academically, her physicalprowesson the socceror baseballfield can
provide an opportunity for successand acceptance.On the other hand,
if an ADD child makeshumiliating mistakesin kickball and on the
math test,shefacesa double-whammyof failure.Her peersmay rid-
icule her in classand reject her everytime they chooseplayersfor their
teams-and chooseher last.

Relationshipson the home front can also be shaky.Often the ADD

child falls apart when she comeshome from school. After hours of
working hard just to tread water,her tired brain givesout. \il/ith antic-
ipation of her arrival,her parent or babysittermight start searchingfor
inner strength.The chancesare good that the child will walk through
the door with a displayof her worst behavior.

The behaviorseemsto reflecta feelingof: I can'tl<eeD it up anJ more...

now that I'm safeat home,I justhaveto beme. The ensuingbattles over
choresand homeworkundermineparent-childrelationships.Momings
can be just asdifficult asthe ADD child anticipatesthe stresses of the
coming day.The dawdling and procrastinationdrive her harried, late-
for-work-parents,crazy!

The elementaryschoolyearscan be very difficult. There are endlessop-

portunities for humiliation at home, school and in the neighborhood.
The I dan'tcareattttudeperfectedby adolescence, often getsits start in
childhood. The youngADD child startsconstructinga shieldto protect
herselffrom embarrassment.

The picture isn't totally glnonry,huueuer. Although the teachermight

not appreciatethe ADD child's improbabletalesor detaileddrawings
of monsters,classmates often do. They know that a greatimagination
comesin handy at recess.Her creativity and imaginationcan be val-
uableassets.If shedevelopsadequatesocialskills,shecan becomea
leaderwhen the group discoversthat her ideasare interestingand fun.

Thankfully, there are many creative,outstandingteacherswho appre-

ciate and respectthe ADD student'sunique talents and gifts. Author
Ramundo'sson has worked with several.At the end of his primary

38
 THr Ivpncr OpGnowrNcUp Wrru ADD

cycle,his teachersaid,"l thoroughlyenjoyedhavingJeremyin my

class.The things I taught him don'r comparero the things he taught
me aboutchildrenwith learningdifferences."

Adolescence-Identity vs. Confusion

Tbit is a period of searchingfor an identity and experimentingwith
different waysof behaving.During this time, the adolescenrstruggles
to feel successfuland competent.She measures her self-worthprirnarily
by her success in academics, socialrelationships and extra-curricular
activities.Although theseare important issuesfor the school-agechild,
they have enormoussignificancefor the adolescent.

The ADD Adolescent:Researchhasshownthat adolescents with ADD

are at greaterrisk for loweredschoolachievement,suspension from
school,anti-socialactivity and poor peerrelationships.', Although
hyperactivitymay have decreased, difficultieswith aitention, concen-
tration and impulsivitygenerallypersist.As the ADD adolescenr mea-
suresher success in the three important areas,sheoften concludes
that shehasfailed.The baggageof negativefeelingsshecarriesfrom
childhood addsto ever increasingfeelingsof inadequacy.School often
becomesa nightmareof unattainablegoalsevenforADD reenswho
managedto survivein elementaryschool.

The physicalenvironmentsof largejunior and hlgh schoolbuildings

can be impossiblydistracting-hundreds of studenrsmove about,lockers
slamand bellsring. l)ue to the sheernumbersof students,educarionar
this level resembles
an assembly line:

Stud,ents
file in to the classroom,Iisten,tnke notes,real the textbook,pre-
pareresearch papers,and nke popquiTTes and written exams.After 50
minutes;conueJorbeltsrapidlymovethe stud,ents and their hastilygathered
materialsrc anotherwork sffidonin the assembly plant. At the next stetion,
anotherteacherpushes thebarningbuttonof the nixt subject,and"the process
beginsagain.

We hope that our metaphordoesn'toffendreaderswho arejunior or

seniorhigh schoolteachers.But this is how it feelsfor the ADD ado-
lescentwho keepsfalling off the conveyorbelt-she simply can'r regroup
fast enoughto keepup.

39
 You MEnNI'u Nor Lxzv,SruploOn Cnnzv?!

The heavy demandson fragile memory writing and organization

skills can overwhelm the ADD student who previouslysurvivedor
perhapseven excelled,academically.Teachersand parentsrarely
considerthe possibilityof ADD. Instead,they assumepeerpressure
is causingthe new academicfailure:

"Youknowhow a teenager isJSlrecaresmoreaboutherfnenls

than her schoolwork. If shewouldiustburkle down atd spend
. ."
lpsstime sociali7ing.

\Tithout question,the peergroup is of primary importanceto adoles-

centswho expendgreatenergytrying to fit in. Unfortunately,many
ADD adolescentsdon't do any better sociallythan they do academ.
ically. At this point in their lives, somemay decideto give up on
the idea of peer acceptanceand quietly retreat from interpersonal
relationships.Others develop an attitude-at leastthat's how
parentsand teacherssometimescharacterizetheseADD teens.
 TUEIupncr Or GnowrNcUp WrrH ADD

Failing at home, schooland with peers,they work at perfectingthe "l

don't care" attitude they beganfosteringin childhood. This bravado
of beingbadoften emergesto cover up social and performancedeficits.
There is usuallya high school peer group who sharesthis attitude
toward school and adult authority. Believing shehas no orher viable
options, the ADD adolescenrmay gravitate to this group. She hopes
to finally find a measureof peer acceprance.

Normal adolescenceis a time for experimentationasteenagersstruggle

to define their identities and separatethemselvesfrom their paren6.
The impulsive ADD adolescentwho experiencesfailure in every area
of her life might take this experimentationto an exrreme.The porential
for serioustrouble is real if sheexperimentswith drugs,sexor other risky
behaviors.W"henan ADD child becomesan adolescent,her parentstake
a deepbreath and hope their growing child can successfullynegoriare
the hazards.

The transition to adulthoodis generallya challengeeven for a well-

adjustedadolescent.Balancingthe need to break awayfrom parenm
with a continued need to be caredfor, is tricky. This paradoxis espe-
cially confusingfor an ADD adolescent.

Although she may balk at rules and authority, shesecretlyfearsthat

she won't be able to make it on her own. She is painfully awareof her
shortcomingsand knows that sheneedsto dependon her parentsfor
so many things. She is overwhelmedar the prospectof taklng respon-
sibility for the details in her life. How can she manageher life ,rh..t
shecan't even manageher homeworkassignments?

Emancipationfrom parentsis generallystormyasshebattlesher parents

and her fearsof failure.The markedirritability of earlier childhood
often developsinto intenseadolescentrebelliousness and argumen-
tativeness.The normal moodinessof this stageis magnifiedin an ADD
teenagerand contributesto the tenseatmospherewithin her family.

The picture isn't totally gloorny,hupeqten For someADDers, adoles-

cencecan be a time of discoveringspecialtalentsand abilities.A gift
for writing, math, art, physicalprowessor mechanicscan rescueher-
she might gain statuswithin her peer group and usefulskills for adult-
hood. Somesociallyskilled ADD adolescents becomequite popular
with peerswho admire their energyand sparkle.

4T
 You MreN I'v Not Lnzv,SruptoOn Cnazvl!

An early diagnosisand long-term supportivetreatment can help the

adolescenrADDer successfullyweather this difficult stage.Without
thesefactors,the joumey is much more difficult, but not impossible!
In spiteof long-standingdifficulties,most ADD adolescents are able
to uncovertheir abilities.They grow up and join the majority of ADD
adults who are self-supporting.

Adulthood
Escalatingdemandscontinue asthe ADD adolescententersadulthood.
She still struggleswith many symptomsof her disorder.And of course,
she carriesthe excessbaggageof failure and low self-esteemwith her.
These don'r magicallydisappearwhen shefinishesher school career.

The ADD adult might still find herselfaloneon tlrcplaygroLLnd, eatingat

her deskwhile her colleaguesgo out to lunch together.She remainsaloof
becauseshecan't trust her socialskills.Her erraticattention,faultymem-
ory and inabiliry to readsocialcuesimpairher ability to participate in
the give and take of conversations.
 Tur Iupacr Or GnowrNcUp Wrru ADD

The grown-upADDer often has trouble working steadilyon the job,

especiallyif the work is boring or repetitious.She mentally drifts off,
distractedbv the samethings that have alwaysderailedher. Inconsisren-
cy can affectthe qualiryof her work. When shewasa studenr,shetumed
in late projects.Now shemissesdeadlinesand businessappointments.

Although shedoesn'trun aroundher office, shemight fidget a lot and

makenumeroustrips to the watercooler.Her coworkersmight complain
that shedoesn'tdo her shareof the work becauseit seemsshe'salwavs
doing somethingother than working.

Argumentswith spouses and coworkersand yelling matcheswith chil-

dren can becomea way of life for someADDers. The short fusethat
causedtempertantrumsin childhood can now createproblemsof in-
tensified,negativeinterpersonalrelationships.

The adult with ADD experiencesthe world differentlythan orhers

and externalizesher experiences, frequentlyblaming everythingon
factorsoutsideherself.She is so distractiblethat she isn't withier
longenoughto dealwithher emotions.
feelings Unable ro processemotions
very well and blaming the world for her problems,shemight experience
explosiveoutburstsor depressive episodes.During theseperiodsshe
can barelyfunction at all.

Impulsivebuying can creategrowingdebt and financial hardship.A

pattem of living for the moment with little attention to rhe future,
makeshouseholdbudgetingand long-termplanning,difficult. Savings
accountsmight be non-existent.Credit cardsmight exceedtheir limiti.
Financialplanning and guardianshipfor the children might be left to
fate,with no considerationof a will. Impulsivity and a needfor intense
experiencesoften result in risky,thrill-seekingbehavior.This might be a
factor in the high incidenceof auto accidentsin the ADD population.

ADD adultsarealsoat somewhatgreaterrisk for substance abuse.Impul-

sivity,socialisolationand an inability to handle emorionscan makethe
escapeof alcoholor drugsparricularlytempting.There might alsobe a
biologicalpredispositionfor substanceabuse,but this questionhasn'r
been adequatelyresearched.

43
 You MpnNI'u Not Lnzy.SruproOn Cnezy?!

Adulthood is a mixed-bag.ADD doesseemto improve with agebut in

many casesdoesn'tgo awayentirely. Researchsuggests that about half
of ADD adults are sufficiently well adjustedthat their symptomscause
little or no trouble.teIt isn't clearwhetherthe symptomsactuallydimin-
ish or if the ADD adult has leamed to managethem better.Marital in-
stabiliry,frequentjob changes,substanceabuseand an increasednumber
of auto accidentsare common characteristicsof ADD adultswho con-
tinue to strugglewith severesymptoms.

There are somevariablesthat seemto have an impact on adult outcome.

Th"y include:intelligence,socialskills,socioeconomicstatus,family
mental health and aggression.In general,intelligent children with
good socialskills and a mentally healthy family of higher socioeconom-
ic statushave the bestprognosis.The variable of aggressionseemsto
be a predictor of a pooreroutcome in adulthood.Successfuladjustment
in adulthood is seriouslycompromised2o for ADDers who displayag-
gressivebehaviorsin childhood.

Adulthood is challengingfor ADDers. \7e arc funcrionaldysfuncrionnls,

strugglingwith roller coasterlives we rarely understand.\7e are high
smkes'folk with the potential for both disasterand hitting the jackpot!

The picture isn't totally glnomy,howeeer.Many ADD adults lead

productivelives by usingtheir particularstrengths.Deficits can become
assets.Hyperactivity can translateinto incredible productivity and
impulsivity into a strongneed for closure-getting the job finished by
the deadline.The risk-taking behavior that givesa parent a heart at-
tack can becomea sourceof pride when the child growsup. She takes
the big risk that puts her on the map or makesher a millionaire!

Excitability can becomesparkle,a decidedadvantagein socialsitua-

tions and the workplace.Persuasiveness and animation are assetsin
public relations,salesand advertising.Adults with ADD often shine
in thesefields.High struogrcreativeADDers can be exciting presen-
ters and welcomechangesfrom calm, placid speakerswho bore their
audiencesto death.

The ADD child who spenther school yearsin a fantasyland can leam
to useher mental free flight in the creative process.This ability to see

44
 THpIupncr Or GnowrNcUp Wrrn ADD

the big picture is valuablein jobs requiring vision and creativiry.Many

of us usethis ability to assumepositionsof influence. If we leam to
make our wanderingminds obey us, they can becomepowerful tools.

The restless,novelty seekingadult can avoid sedentaryjobs that make

her symptomsso difficult to manage.A friend loveshis 1obasa long
distancetrucker. He doeshave to sit for a long time but doesn'thave
to worry about bothering anyonewith his singing,tapping and wiggling.
And he likes the sensationof movement.Another acquaintancehas
tumed her excessenergyinto a lucrativesideline,renovatingold houses
in her free time.

ITithout a correct diagnosis,many of us may blame our behaviorson

depression,anxiety, traumatic life eventsor lack of character.Under-
standingthat thesebehaviorsare symptomsof a central nervoussystem
disordercan have a powerful impact on thesefaulty assumprions.This
knowledgecan radically changeour self-perceptionsso we can leam
to blend in with the rest of humanity. !7e can leam not onlv to survive
but to excel!

"Some forms of the disorder dre more disorilerly than others."

An ADD adult recently made this interestingobservation.It really

capturesthe essenceof the complexity of ADD. If ADD were a matrer
of symptomsslotted into the three broaddiagnosticcategories,it would
be far easierto understand.

Figuring out how ADD adults rick, however,isn't nearly this straighr.
forward.The disorderis severelydisablingfor someADDers and much
lessso for others.To understandhow ADD playsour in individual
lives, we need to explore the behavioraldifferencesof the disorder.

In the next chapter we'll usetheseunique differencesto understand

why we ADDers behaveaswe do. This will provide the starting place
for identifiiing your particular strengthsand weaknesses
and beginning
your processof recovery.

45
 CHaprpn 4

HowAreWeDifferent?
llow
treWe
[iffenent?
HowAreWe Dtffercnt?
If yo., have ADD, your disordermakesyou different. There'sno doubt
about it. You come into the world with differencesthat are part of the
wiring of your brain. Not only are you different from others who don't
have ADD, you are alsodifferent from others who do.

Different Doesn't Mean Defective

Yes,eachof us is differentbut differentdoesn'tequaldefective.It's fool-

ish to ignoreour differencesor pretendthey don't exist.It's equally
foolish to focusexclusivelyon the debit sideof thosedifferences.Al-
though our lives would probablybe easierwithout ADD, they wouldn't
be more valuable.

In the first chapterwe examinedthe three broadcategoriesof ADD

symptoms.Now we'll enlargethe discussionto considerthe impact
thesesymptomshave in your daily life. You'll learn about your disa-
bilities. You'll alsolearn aboutyour abilities-abilities that are some-
timeshidden by the problemsyour symptomscause.

So How Do the Differences

Affect ADD Adults?
Although we talk of ADD asa distinct disorder,it makesmore sense
to think of it asa syndrome:a group of symptomsthat tend to occur
together.The concept of a syndromeseemsan appropriateway of
thinking about a centralnervoussystemthat doesn'twork quite right.

46
 How AnEWE DrmntNr?

Researchers disagreeabout the specificoriginsof ADD bur mosr

agreethat the regulatoryfunction of the CNS is somehowerraric
and inefficient. !7ith an impaired regulatorysystem,an ADDer
may have wildly fluctuating behaviorsfrom day to day or even min-
ute to minute. He may alsohave leaming problemscausedby er-
ratic attention and information processing.

The Wandering Mind Syndrome

Most of us have minds that wanderhither and yon. !7e daydream
and drift among looselyand tenuouslyconnectedthoughts.As our
o*1 thoughts intrude, we changethe subjectand inte.*p, with
irrelevantcomments.

Regardlessof the "why" of distractibility, the behaviorsassociated

with it are often mistaken for rudenessor eccentri city. Tlw WanAer-
ingMind Syndrome,like all ADD differences,has its plusesand
minuses.

on the minus side,an ADDer might engagein mental free-flight

when he should be working. Bossesr.g"id his partially finish.i ,.-
ports and unretumed phone calls aseviden.. of incompetenceor a
poor attitude.In conversations he may listen with on" but con-
tinue on somelevel to follow his own train of thought."urIt's obvious
to his bossor friend that he isn't all there.His r."*Lg disinterest
doesn'twin friendsor influencepeople!

On the plus side,he can usehis wanderingmind ro notice things

others missand make new and interestingconnectionsbetween
ideas.His creativemind can roam beyondconvention into imag-
ination and possibilities.

If an ADDer can leam ro conrrol his wanderingthoughtsand cap-

^
italizeon their richness,he can discovera.raluableasiet.Think
about the stereotypeof the absent-mindedprofessoror the talented
artist who has incredille gifts but stumblesalong trying ro manage
the practicaldetailsof life. \7e don't believethisitereoiyp. is mere.
ly a myth. If we wereto surveyindividualsin crearivepiofessions,
^of
we feel surewe would find a disproporrionarenumber nnn
adults.

47
 You MrnN I'v Nor L,+zv,Sruptoon Cnazv?!

One Channel Operational SYstem

Most of us areEqinl Opportunity Attenders.\7e give everything ?ld
anyrhing the opportunity to grab our attention! An ineffective filter-
ing systJmnt"ko us vulnerable to distracting stimuli in the environ'
ment and in our minds and bodies.

It's hard ro get things done when you keepthinking_aboutand responding

ro so many diffe."n1 things. The quality of the work you do manageto
accomplisitis often *"rgin"l becauseyour focusis intemrpted so much.
Although someADDers are able to juggleseveralthings at once' many
find this difficult, if not impossible.

To accomplishanything, many of us have to operateon o-^lyone chan-

nel. Let', .rr" the metafhot of channelson a radio to understandthe
dynamicsof One ChsnnelOPeranon.

During a drive through the mountains,you may hqve to simultaneously

listen io ,",r"r"1 ,t"ti6t s asthey fade in and out. You may spenda lot
of time hitting the scanbutton that is supposedto bring in the strong-
est chan."l. No soonerdo you happily start singing along with your_
favorite songthan it fadesout as*Jt.ottg"r signaltakesover your radio.

The normal brain doesn'tseemto have trouble with channel selection.

\7hen a non.ADDer preparesdinner, he selectsthe food channel. He
can arrend to this strongiignal and cook the food without buming-it.
At the samerime, his biain scansand locatesother strong signals-that
bring in imporranr information. He monitors the childrenchannel and
switchesto it when a sibling argumentensues.

An abiliry ro rune in severalchannelssimultaneouslyis usefuland

essential.'Theradio in the ADD brain, however,seemsto have a mal'
functioning scanbuton that won't let him switch channelsefficiently.
Rather th"l" pulling in the strongsignal,it pulls in everychannel with'
in a thour"rrd mile radius!He keepi losing track of the channel he's
listening to.

For many of us, the solution is to tum off the scanbutton. It's the only
way ro prevent the weak channelsfrom interfering with our attention
to ih" 6ne we're trying to listen to. So we stay tuned in to only one

48
 How AnEWt DrmnrNr?

channel. If we dare switch to the children channel, the pork chops

becomedried out, hardenedobjects,permanentlyattachedto the pan
we cooked them in!

\7e think the one channel phenomenonhas implications for kitchen

designers.They really should take a crash.o.,rr. in ADD. If they were
awareof this phenomenon,they would never designkitchens wittr large,
open spacesfor preparingdinner and chatting with guesrsat rhe ru*i
time. It may be a greatconcept for non-ADDers. For one channel folk,
however,this kitchen designresultsin lousyfood or lousyconversation.
Handling both at the sametime is virtually "missionimpossible"!

This differencecausesundesirablebehaviorsin a one channel ADDer.

Demandsto switch channelsare cruel intrusions.He snapsat the in-
terrupting party, snarlsat the personon the phone or losestrack of
what he'sdoing. He may tune out the interruption, not even noting- it
or reacting v-e-py slowly to it ashe undertakesthe arduoustask of
switching gears.

KK: "'S7"hen I worked on a psychiatricunit, I sharedthe responsibility

for answeringthe telephone.I had trouble switching gearsfast enough
t9.n1c\ up the phone after a few rings. Often, I never heard it ring ai
all. Other staff membersresented*y failure to do my shareof thii 1ob.
Th.y mi.stakenlyassumedI thought I was"roo good" to do this mun.
dane task."

An ADDer can be at a disadvantagein the workplacewhen he has to

tune in to many channels.The phone,bossand coworkerchannelsall
competefor his attention. Many workerscomplain that numerousinter.
ruptionsforce them to bring most of their work home in a briefcase.Thev
can't get anyrhing done ar rhe office.

The Locking In and Blocking Out Phenomena

An int_e_restingcorrelateto the one channel phenomenonis overpersis-
tence.When an ADDer becomeslocked in ro a rask,he can'r ttop. Hi,
overpersistence can makeswitchinggearsvery difficult. It can alsocause
a friend, colleagueor spouseto leap to erroneousconclusions.1. "lt's
obvioushe can pay attention when he wantsto." 2. "He's so rudel He
completelyignoresme."

4e
 You MEnNI'trlNor L,+zx,Sruploon Cnnzv?!

Erratic focusand the generaldysregulationthat causeproblemswith

concentrationand stick-to.itivenessseemincompatiblewith overpersis-
tence. Aren't unfinished tasksand short attention spanscharacteristic
of ADDers?We|l, the paradoxicalansweris yes.. .andno!

Much of ADD behavioris paradoxical.Overpersistence could be just

anotherdifferencethat is at oddswith a "short attention span".But we
submit that it's more than that. An ADDer expendsgreatenergyand
effiortto shut our rhe distractionsof other channels.With an unfiltered
sensoryworld rushing in to his brain, he has to developsomerather pow-
er{ul defensesto ,,r-ine. Overpersistencemay be one of them.

\7e believe rhar an ADD adult may deliberatelyusethis locking'in

ability to shut our rhe rest of the world. It can insulatehim from the
wear and tear of handling the flood of incoming information. A one
channel ADDer may usehis overpersistence asa compensatorystrategy
in a socieryrhar valuesthe ability to bounce many balls at one time.

Overpersisrence is definitely a double edged_sword. Spousesand friends

*u1rfl at rhe abiliry to sit at a computer and write for hours,oblivious
to everything else.E t ry of this self-absorptiontums to annoyance'how'
ever,*ir". ."ui.,po,rrsunnoticed through open windowsor the tomado
siren evokesnot even a blinkt

The good news is that this disability/ability differencecan be usedto

good"ad,ranrage. The bad news is that locking-in can be inappropriate,
Io.rrrt.rproductive or downright dangerous-incertain situations.Re-
*.-b.i the tomado siren-ltcking-in to the computer insteadof rac-
ing for the basementcould have disastrousconsequences!

The "I Hate Details" DYnamic

Many of us have an aversionto details.An inability to scanand switch
channelsplaysinto this aversion.To scanfor details,we have to attend
ro numerouspiecesof data. We find that our brains are uncooperative
when we try io absorbmany detailssimultaneously.\7e may forget
much of what we seeor hear.\fhen we try to remembersequential
details,we can losethe first stepbeforewe can assimilatethe second.
Our preferencefor the gestalt(the big picture) over miscellaneous de'
tails, may in part result from this difficulty with data processing'

50
 How Anr WEDrrpEnENr?

The (Don't Do Today What You Can Put Off

Till Tomorrow" Dynamic
Many peoplelive by this creed.Filing severalextensionson a federal
income tax filing can put off this oneroustask aslong aspossible.But
'We're
we'renot talking about a consciousdecisionto procrastinate.
talking about the frustration many of us feel every time we rry ro ger
startedon anyrhing.

What appearsto be stallingor an apparentunwillingnessto do some-

thing is often a sign of the superhumaneffort requiredto begin concen-
trating on a new task.Refocusingis painful. It takesa lot of blood,
sweatand tears.Although an ADDer may do great after he getsgoing,
he has to work hard to shut out the rest of the world and t.r* off the-
other channels.It's possibleto becomemore efficient at self-starting
but it takestime and self-disciplineto leam this skill.

A Defective Filter
Another brain function that goesawry in ADD is the filtering mech-
anism.A brain that is working at peak efficiencycan selectwhat it
needsto concentrateon and filter out extraneousdistractions.It works
much like the oil filter in a car. It filters out the dirty, uselessparricles
so the engine can operateefficiently with clean oil. Coffeefiltirs per.
form a similar function, preventing the bitter groundsfrom gerting mixed
in with the liquid.

ADefective Filterpermits the "groundsto get mixed ,rp with rhe coffee."
An ADDer experiencesthe world as a barrageto his senses-noises,
sightsand smellsrush in without barriersor protection.Normal noise
levelscan interferewith his ability to hear conversationsor maintain
a train of thought.

Even in a relatively quiet restaurant,backgroundnoisescompetefor

his attention and interfere with his abiliry ro listen ro rhe r"ilr"r. Dur-
ing a telephonecall, he may snapar a spousewho makesthe slightest
noisein the room. Unfiltered visualdistractionscan make shoppinga
nightmare.The processof scanningthe contentsof a largedepartment
store can be agonizing.The quantity of choicesis overwhelming and
often createsfeelingsof intense anxiety and irritation.

51
 You MrnN l't,rNot Lazv.Sruploon Cnnzv?l

Touchy Touchability
An ADDer can be very touchy about being touched!His senseof touch
is vulnerableto overstimulation asthe rest of his sensorychannelsare.
An intolerance of touch or closephysicalproximity is a fairly com-
mon differencenoted by ADD adults.The term TactileDefensiveness
found in occupationaltherapy literature, capturesthe essenceof this
difference.Similar to most ADD symptoms,it waxesand wanes.At
times the need for physicalspaceis acute and an ADDer simply can't
toleratebeing aroundother people.

It's ironic that with his poor senseof physicalboundaries,he may bump
into someoneelse'sphysicalspacewhile he fiercely protectshis own.
One ADDer ruefully observed:"Peoplelike me-other ADDers-can
drive me crazy.I hate to be touched and they keep bumping into me."
Others saythey don't like livlng with animalsbecausepets don't have
respectfor physicalboundaries!

Roller Coaster Emotions

oNE,ono*at
hgDr*'Ltug R'LLER
cob$g*s
We're not exactlysurewhat causesthe problemswith mood and emo.
tion in ADD. \7e do know that ADDers often saythey live on emotion-
al roller coasters.Feelingstates{luctuate,with extremealterationsin
the highs and lows over hoursor even minutes.

Maintaining emotionson an even keel is an intricate processinvolving

fine adjusrmentsby different partsof the brain and nervoussystem.For
an ADDer, this processseemsto be dysregulated. He walksprecarious-
ly on his high wire never knowing how he'll feel at a given moment.
The peoplein his life may tiptoe aroundhim, fearinghis next bad mood.

Intense INTENSITY
Peopleoften describeADD adultsasintense.Feelingsare amplified
and blastedout with little restraint.W"henan ADDer is angry he might
yell or throw things. \7hen he'shappy,he often captivatespeople with
dazzhngdisplaysof positive energy.

5Z
 How AnEWEDrrpEnrNr?

Low moodsfeel like the end of the world. Many of us have passionare
natures,artistictemperaments that react quickly and to an extreme.Our
tendency to boastand exaggeraremay result from experiencingthe
world so intensely.If we alwaysseethe world in vivid living .o1o.,
we'll describeit that way to others.It isn't a plannedexaggerarionbur
a valid reflectionof our perceprions.

A Short Fuse
lfhen somethingpushesan ADD adult'stemperamentalbutrons,im-
pulsivity often kicks in. It may take little to r"i off his explosiveremper
or tum him into an irritable grouch.The outbursrthat resultscan be
baffling to him as it is frightening to the peoplearound him. After the ",
explosion that seemsto come from nowhere,he often feelsashamed.
He can't understandwhy he madesuch a big deal out of nothing.

His angerusuallydisappearsasquickly as it appearedbut the angerhe

elicits in other peopledoesn'tgo awayquite asfast.They shakeih.it
headsat his childish reactionto a bumed pieceof toast.He couldjust
get another piece.Instead,he fussesand fumes.Since setbacksthrow
him off balanceso easily,he startscomplaining when he should be
trying to solve the problem.

The IDP Dynamic-Irritability, Dissatisfaction or Pessimism

The moodinessin ADD can be expressed asgeneralizedirritability.
There may not be dramaticexplosionsof temperbut rather,a continual
gnmpine.ss. Unfortunately,thgirritable ADDer missesour on the highs,
insteadexperiencingchronic dissatisfaction.He seldomexpresses
positive thoughts or feelingsand travels through life exuding an aura
of pessimism.Through no fault of his own, he views his world through
gray-coloredglasses'.

Another manifestationof this generalizedirritability has lessto do

rt_th pessimismthan with a feeling of being consranrlyannoyedby
other peopleand events.The ADDer may be sarcastic,rude or abrupt
with others.

Depression?
The-symptomsof depressionand those of ADD can be remarkably
similar.Mental health professionals
somerimeshave difficultv disiin-

53
 You MreN I'u Nor Lxzy, Sruproon Cnezv?

guishingone disorderfrom the other. When in doubt, many choose

an antidepressantasthe medical treatment since it can help symp-
toms of both disorders.

SometimesClinical Depressionand ADD occur together in the

sameindividual. $sregulated emotionscan alsoappearto be symp-
toms of depressionwhen they're not. The symptomscan mask
underlying attentional problems.It isn't uncommon for a mental
health professionalto make a diagnosisof depressionand totally
missthe ADD.

The depression-likesymptomsof ADD adults might be part of the

neurologicaldysregulationthat causesthe disorder.They might be
part of an emotional responseto repeatedfailure. Likely, the mood-
inessof many ADDers is a little of both. Differentiating ADD from
Clinical Depressioncan be difficult but it's vitally important. The
emotional piece of ADD is often just the tip of the icebergof other
problemsthat must be addressed.

Boffomless Pit of Needs and Desires

"I want.,,I need...Imustl'taqte"

On any given day,parentseverywherehear theseimmortal words!

In the grocerystorecheckout,the beggingcan be for a pack of gum
or candyand at the toy store,for the latest,greatestwater pistol. Al-
though it isn't easyfor children to leam that they can't have every-
thing, they usuallygrudginglyleam to acceptthe deprivation. For
many ADDers, the intensefeelingsof need continue forever.It's
part of the dysregulationof ADD.

An insatiableADD adult experiencesongoing problemswith his

appetitefor many things-sex, alcohol,excitement,etc. He is a bot-
tomlesspit of needs,alwayslooking aheadand never feeling sat-
isfied.The simplerpleasures
of life are too mild. Intenseexperiences
must match his voraciousappetite.

This insatiability can manifest itself in varied ways.Inside, it feels

like an overwhelmingcraving. The craving is often non-specific-

54
 Ho'w Ans Wr DtmnENr?

it's for somethingbutnot for anything in particular. An ADDer might

usefood, sex,liquor or shoppingspreesto appeasethe greedyNeeds
Monster.Unfortunately, feeding the monster makeshim grow larger
and more insistent so the ADDer setsa vicious cycle in motion. He
can exhaustfriends and lovers with demandsfor attention and affec-
tion becauserta olnount is ever enough.

0
D
00
SomeADDers developpattems of behavior that include habitual over-
earingor binge drinking. It's conceivablethat a significantpercentage
of the membqrin the "Anonymous" groups-alcoholism, codependen.
cy, and sex.airdlove addictions,could have ADD.

\Uith hard work, an insatiableADD adult can leam to say"No" to the

non-stop"l want, I need,I must have" message of his NeedsMonster.
He might quiet his restlesscravingsby dabbling in sportscar racing or
bungeejumping. He might assuage his need to sh.optiLLyardrop througha
strategyan acquaintanceof ourshas designed.

55
 You MreN I'rnlNor Lezy.Sruproon Cnazy?!

She goeson periodic shoppingbinges,frantically charginghundredsof

dollarsof merchandise.Having happily fed her NeedsMonsrerwith
all her packages,
sheheadshome. But wait a minute. Doesn'rthat
makehim grow even larger?In her case,it doesn'tbecausethere'sa
secondpart of her strategy.The key is that shehas taught herselfto
bring the packageshome and never open them. She has leamed that
within a few hours or days,the cravingsfor her purchaseswill have
subsided.Then she goeson another shoppingtrip ro retum everyrhing
shebought!

Activity Levels in Flux

SomeADDersare hyperactive,thoughnot all thetime.

SomeADDersare hypoactive.
Most ADD ersare hyperactiqre
and hypoactive .

Literature frequently refersto ADDers as hyperactives-areferenceto

excessiveactivity levels.This reflectsa viewpoint that is both contro.
versialand somewhatoutdated.Although someprofessionals still focus
on high activity levelsin diagnosingADD, we preferro considerthe
issueof hyperactivity asone piece of a more generalizeddysregulated
acnvitylevel This dysregulationcan include roomuchaction (hyper-
activity ) too little action (hypoactivity) andfluctu^ations
betweenthe
two extremes.

SomeADDers know somethingthat many professionalsdon't under-

stand:hypoactivitycan be a troubling parr of ADD. A hypoactive
ADDer movesin slow motion and hearsmany "Getmowing's." If only
he could. It would take a bonfire beneathhim to causeany movemenr
at all! He may envy his hyperactivecounrerparr.

A hyperactiveADDer's differencesare most noticeablewhen he has

to sit still. That's when he starrsswinginghis leg or gnawingon his
pencil. If his job permitsphysicalactivity, the hyperactiveadult can
be indistinguishablefrom his non-ADD colleagues.

Travelingsalespeople copewith restlessness by stayingon the road and

on the move.Nursesjoke about needingroller skatesto get from one
end of the shift to the other. Likewise,the construction worker has a

56
 How Anr,We DrrrpRrNr.

job that lets him expendphysicalenergy.The level of activity required

in thesejobs can provide a neededoutlet for hyperactivity.

Many ADDers are both hyperactiveand hypoactive.It seemsthat

activity levelsfluctuate betweenextremes,much like the other dysreg-
ulatedsymptomsof ADD. Sometimesthe ADDer movesand talks at
mega-speed only to flip to a stateof inactivity that makeshim appear
nearly comatose.

SomeADDers report that on a given day,their activity levelsseemto

build from morning to evening. They are slow moving and thinking in
the morning, functioning well only if they can carry out routines with-
out interruption. Early moming conversationswith family members
can consistof grunts and one word answers.TheseADD adultsde-
scribethemselvesasoperatingon "autopilot", capableof little more
than routine, automatic functions.

Nothing helpsto speedup this process.Thesefolk begin to gain alert-

nessby midmoming which is a problem when they work standard
daytime hours. By noon, they're going full tilt, using their energyto
talk nonstop to coworkersover lunch. With energyreservesdrained
by mid-aftemoon, the big slump often hits with a fight to stay awake.
The cycle often continueswith a late aftemoon shot of newly found
energywhen they start revving up again.For many,the evening hours
are the most productive-late aftemoon or evening shifts enablethem
to work at peak efficiency.

This pattem is certainly not unique to ADDers. After eating in par-

ticular, many peoplesufferfrom a slow-downastheir bodiesmobilize
for food digestion.The practice of the siestain many countriesmay be
relatedto this normal physiologicalcycle.

An ADDer's cycles,however,seemto have more intensepeaksand

slumps.As a group,ADD adultstend to be night owls.Many have
trouble getting startedin the moming and displayirregularpatternsof
hyperactivity and lethargy throughout the day.

Although many expertsregardhyperactivity asa primary symptomof

ADD, others hypothesizethat it's an attempt to compensatefor under-

57
 You MrnN I'u Nor Lrzy, Sruproon Cnnzy?!

arousal.Likely, both theorieshold parcelsof truth. At times,rhe ADDer

seemsto be frantically trying to keep himself going by being physically
active.Insteadof taking Ritalin to maintain focusand regulation,he
might usestrenuousexerciseto boost his flaggingenergyand attention
level. At other times, he seemsfrantically driven by hii hyperacrivity,
a force over which he has limited control.

Peoplewith high energylevelscan accomplishmany things in a short

time. \7hi1e others complain that a twenry-four hour day isn't long
enggghto get everythingdone, an ADDer might searchfor extra things
to fill up the unusedhours. Hyperactivity can be helpful. Unfortu-
nately,many ADD adultsenergeticallyspin their wheels,go in circles
and get nowhere.The goal of trearmenror self-helpcan'r be just to
slawthe ADDer dawn, but to help him leam to useand direct his energy
more efficiently.

Thrill Seeking
Lack of restraint can causean ADDer to risk life and limb in pursuit of
excitement.As a group,we tend to be thrill seekers,minimizing inher.
ent risk and danger.As children we fell out of treesand dov. fto*
great heights. !7e may have made frequent trips to rhe emergency
room to have our bruisedand batteredbodiespatchedup. As adults
we're on our own without anyoneto remind us of the dangers.'We
may still be making emergencyroom visits for far more seriousinjuries.
Insteadof climbing trees,we may be climbing mounrainsor skydiving.

An ADDer isn't the only adult who enjoysactivitieswith a high ele-

ment of risk. But he may approachtheseactivities without sufficient
planning. His behavior can be more risky becausehe engagesin thrill
seekingwithout recognizingthe inherent risks involved. He fails to
pay sufficientattention to registerthem. Since he doesn'rregisteror
processthe information about risks,he doesn'treally believein them.
Fuzziness about the extemal world may make him feel invincible and
may give him a falsesenseof safety.

The Intractable Time Tyrant

Time is an elusiveentity to many of us.Sometimeswe feel we'vehave
entereda time warp-a twilight zonewherewe treadwater,get
nowhereand accomplishnothing. Our senseof time is elastiCand we

58
 How AnEWE DIrrrnENr?

characteristicallyunderestimatethe time it will take to do anything.

As children, we're late for school,stay out beyondour curfewsand

misshomework deadlines.As adults,we might be late for work and
have trouble completingprojectson time. Teachers,bossesand co-
workersoften misinterpret the tardinessaslazinessor an indifference
to their needs.In reality, our behaviorscan result from an altered time
senseand an inability to plan.

An unscientific diagnostictool could be to count the items on a per-

son's"To Do" list for a given day.In Chapter 13, we'll offer a "test"
we'vedevelopedto diagnosisADD asa measureof disorganization!
The daily list of an ADDer usuallyincludesfar more than any human
could accomplishin three or four days.A professorfriend planned to
write three articles,a book and two grantsover the summermonths.
His unrealisticgoalswerequite typical for an ADDer!

Perhapsthere is a brain function called "Time" that doesn't operate

efficiently in an ADDer's brain. More likely, his TimeTroublesare
causedby variousdeficits and his failure to factor in their impactson
his life. He figuresthat it shouldn't take more than two hours to pre-
pare a small dinner for friends.So, he decidesto add a few extra things
to his afternoonplans.Regrettably,he fails to plan for the inevitable
distractionsthat will derail him. Preparingthe meal alwaystakesmuch
longer than he thinks it will.

Time toubles play out in other waysaswell, with time passingboth

more quickly and more slowly than it should.\fhen an ADDer is lost
in his own compelling thoughts,the hours fly by in an instant while
routine work hours inch along at an excruciatinglyslow pace.

Sometimes,even unpleasanttaskscan grabthe ADD adult. Most people

don't think of houseworkastheir favorite activity. Then why doesan
ADDer who hateshouseworkspendhours "spit-shining" his house
while other choresremain unfinished?The answerlies in overpersis-
tence.It's not uncommonfor him to becomelocked-in,obsessively
attacking tiny specksof dirt. The day evaporatesashe scrubsa small
portion of a room into antisepticperfection.This would be okay if he
had the time or inclination to spendhis life pursuingthe elusivedream

59
 You MpaNI'u Nor Ll:zy.Sruproon Cnazy?!

of a spotlesshome. Of course,his time is limited and must be divided

among a variety of chores.

The time he neqteraccountedfor is eatenup by lisx tlwt are too long:

Anotherday is gone.. .Itt 3 o'clnckin tlte morning,, .The alarrn will go off
in threehows. . .Doesn'ttlw TtmeMonstnreuer sleep? ??

Space Stmggles
An ADD adult can alsohave a distorted senseof spaceand problems
of directionality. As an adult, he might still rely on the visual clue of
his wristwatch to identify right and left. He might have difficulty fol-
lowing a road map or understandingthe compasssettingsof North,
South, Eastand \Uest.

He can alsohave a distorted senseof how his body movesin spacein

relationshipto other objects.As a consequence, he bumpsinto other
peopleor fumiture. He might be unable to gaugethe speedand direc-
tion of a ball in tennis or baseballgames.Sportsthat demandfinely
tuned spatial abilities can be particularly difficult for him.

Similar to a distortedsenseof time, an alteredsenseof spacemight be

relatedto excessivespeedand deficient planning. It can alsoresultfrom
the impairedinformation processingof a specificleaming disability.

Spatial problemsaren't limited to sportsactivities and directionality.

They alsohave an impact on organization.An ADD adult often lives
with a daunting amount of clutter and disorganization.Even when he
slowsdown to take the time to tidy up, he facesa nightmarish task of
figuring out what to do with his chaotic surroundings.He may dream
of having enough money to hire the right personto organizeall the
stuff in his life so he can ger on with the businessof living.

The ADD brain seemsto have trouble sortingand filing. \7e ADDers
tend to focuson all the exceptionsto the orderly rulesof the world.
\7e play a perpetualgameof "But what about. . .l' It's difficult to organize
either spaceor a filing systemwithout an ability to decidewhich things
belong together.

Memory alsoplaysa role in an ADDer's SpaceTroubles.Beforehe can

 How AnEWs DtrprneNr?

organizehis belongings,he has to rememberwhere they are.After he

finds them he still has to figure out what to do with them!

Some of us dismissthe e{fectof clutter on our lives, assuringourselves

that tidinessis simply a wasteof time. Others becomeobsessed with
putting things in order and have time for little else.Although neither
courseof action is particularly helpful, problemswith spatialorgani-
zation are common for many of us with ADD.

The ADDer's environment is a confusingone over which he constantly

strugglesto gain a semblanceof control. A certain degreeof order is
important for emotional well-being. Preventingthe overwhelming
feelingsof confusionthat resultfrom untamedpiles of junk is an impor-
tant goal.

Information Processing
Some of the differencesof ADDers can be understoodwithin the con-
text of information processing.How do we think about and act on the
information we receivefrom the environment?Do we have unique
ADD thinking and acting styles?To answerthesequestionsand exam-
ine other differencesin ADD adults,we'll usethe Theoryof Systems as
a working model of the brain'sfunctions.

Systemsconsistof assortedpartsorganizedinto a whole to servea func-

tion or reach a goal. Every systemusesenergyand resourcesfrom the
environment as its input. It transforms,or proces.ses
the input into an
altemative form called outputand sendsit back to the environment.

A computer systemtakesinput from humansby way of the keyboard.

It processes it and producesnew information asoutput on a printout.
Similarly, the human brain receivesinput from the outsideworld
through the senses,processes it and producesoutput in the form of
wordsor actions.

If a computer malfunctions,we look at the three parts of the systemto

find out what'swrong. Human error can interfere with input if infor-
mation is keyed incorrectly.A problem in the information processing
of the computer itself may alsoexist. Finally, the output function can
be flawed if there is a mechanicalproblem with the printer.

61
 You MraN I'u Nor Lxzy.Sruproon Cnnzyl!

Breakingdown the workingsof the brain in to thesethree components

can help us better understandwhat'shappeningwhen things go wrong.
A significant problem for many of us with ADD is mismatchedinput,
information processingand output capacities.

In general,an ADDer processes intemal information rapidly but has a

lessefficient capacityfor the input and output functions. Problemswith
selectiveattention and filtering compromisethe qualiry of input-getting
information into his brain. Difficulties with impulsivity,activity levels,
memoryretrieval, motor control and rambling speechcompromisethe
quality of output-effectively communicating or acting on the pro.
cessedinformation. Let's take a look at how input/output weaknesses
and intemal processingstrengthscreatesomeunique ADD differences.

Action and Inaction Imbalance

\7e know that asADD adults,we have problemswith aftention. That's
why our disorderis called an Attention Deficit Disorder.\7e have
trouble with selectiveattenaon-focusing on one part of the vast array of
information that bombardsour senses.This is just the first step in
processinginformation, however.
'!7e
alsohave trouble with the secondstep, sele,ctiqteintention-selec-
ting one responsefrom a variety of possibleaction choices.Levinezt
examinesthe interplayof selectiveintention and selectiveattention
in his book on developmentalvariation. He makesthe point that it's
rare to find a personwho has difficulty with attention without also
having difficulty with intention, or acrion.

\Uhen your teachercomplainedthat you weren't paying attention,

washe observingthe neurologicalprocessin your brain?Of course
not! He wasobservingbehavior.Your action-looking out the window
rather than at your math book-resulted from listening to the blue jay
insteadof your teacher.

The action part of attention dependson balancingthe forcesof action,

facilinaon and inaction, inhibition.The brain needsto facilitare, or sup-
port helpful actionswhile it inhibits, or blocks the harmful ones.Many
of the differencesunique to an ADDer resultfrom an imbalancein this
area.\fhen he should be in his inaction mode, he blurts out a hasty,

67
 How Anr WE DrrrrneNr?

sloppyresponsehe should have inhibited. \Uhen he should be in his

action mode, he fails to answera questionhe should have facilitated.

In tennis, facilitation helps him react quickly to retum a shot and

inhibition preventshim from reacting too quickly and moving when
he should be waiting. A bad gameof tennis is one thing but social
errorsare somethingelse.

Disinhibition causesmany of the socialproblemsan ADDer experi-

ences.He says things he shouldn't say,interrupts conversationsand
intrudeson a friend'spersonalspace.Becausehe has trouble slowing
down enough to stop and think, he may not even realizehis mistake.
Sometimeshe may realizeit but is too embarrassed to apologize.

Failure to restrainor inhibit can causeproblemsfar more seriousthan

a socialfaux pas.An ADDer tends to react quickly and intenselyto
his impulses.He may strike out at his children or let loosea streamof
verbal abuse.Arguments with his spousecan quickly get out of hand
ashe saysthings in the heat of the moment only to regret them later.

He doesn'tmean to lash out and is ashamedof his behavior.The hasty

wordsor actionswere neither planned nor intended.

If behavioris judgedby intentions,we ADDers are blnrneless-

we didn't,mean it!

While it's true that we're not calculating criminals, we need to look
beyond good intentions. These impulsive wordsor actions can destroy
relationshipsand psyches.\Uehave to considerthe impact of our
behavioron other people,especiallyour loved ones.

A failure to inhibit one'swords isn't alwaysa negativequality-an

ability to sayjust about anything can come in handy.Thlking about
personalexperiencesand problemscan open doorsfor others to share
confidences.Most people are enormouslyrelieved to discoverthat
others sharetheir fearsand insecurities.The mushroomingnumber of
supportgroupsis evidenceof this need to shareand be intimate. Many
peopleseemto be starvedfor connectionsto others.

63
 You MEaNI'r.,tNot Lxzy, Sruproon Cnazy?!

Peoplelaugh when the truth is exaggerated,twisted,or expandedto

the level of absurdity.An ADDer who doesn't inhiblt the flow of his
thoughts can dreamup outrageouslyfunny things to say-things that
others wouldn't dare to utter! If he can leam to monitor himself suffi-
ciently to keep from steppingover the line into offensiveness,
he can
contribute a sparklingsenseof humor.

The Supersonic Brain

Statedsimply,the ADD brain goesfast! Although we've listed it separ-
ately,the Srzpersonic
Brain is closelyrelated to the action/inaction
balance.

An ADDefs aheredcogninvercmpocan translateinto unmonitored

rapid-fire speech.\Tithout pausingfor breath, he may prevenr anyone
elsefrom getting a word in edgewise.Handwriting and other aspectsof
task perfrormance can alsosufferashe fails to slow down enoughto bal-
ancehis intemal processingand physicalcapabilities(output). As a
result,he makescarelesserrorsand has trouble with motor tasks.The
authors,for instance,have had a long-standinglove/hate relationship
with tennis that hasresultedin part from the SupersonicBrain pheno-
menon.

PR: "Kate and I should have our nameslisted on a plaqueof notable

accomplishments,a kind of GuinnessBookof Records.I7e merit inclu-
sion on the basisof our record setting number of yearsin beginner and
advancedbeginner tennis lessons! Regardlessof how hard we worked
at our game,we never seemedto make much progress.After we both
startedtaking Ritalin, we experienceda startling improvementin our
skillson the tennis court.

Lest strugglingathletesread this and race to their pharmaciesfor their

physicalskill pills, I need to emphasizethat the improvementwe ex-
'!7e
periencedwasone of mentalskill. were playing better becausewe
werethinking better,or at leastmore slowly and with better planning.

Taming our runawaythinking temposgaveus a more accuratesenseof

time. Our abilities to strategizeand s-l-o-w d-o-w-n improvedour game.
With relief and a senseof accomplishment,we finally graduaredfrom
our beginnerlessons."

64
 How Aru We DrrrpnrNr?

Applying the brakesto our SupersonicBrains often getseasierby the

time we becomeadults.Many of us manageto achievesomedegreeof
balanceand an ability to stop and think-at leastmore often than we
did aschildren. Unfortunately, assoon aswe start feeling complacent,
something invariably goeswrong.

KK: "I'm certainly no whiz at higher mathematicsbut I can accu-

rately add long columns of figures.I prefer doing my addition without
a calculator so I don't have to worry about pushing the wrong buttons.

Severalyearsago,however,I made the mistakeof rapidly calculating

our householdbudget to ascertainwhether my husbandand I could
afford a major renovation. I didn't recheckmy figuresbeforeassuring
my husbandthat the project wasfinancially do-able.I sweptawayhis
natural caution with my enthusiasmand energyand implied that he
wasa stick-in-the-mudfor raisingquestionsand objections.After we
had committed to the project and were up to our earsin plasterdust, I
found a glaring omissionin my figures.I had neglectedto add the
mortgagepaymenrro our monthly budget!

My saintedgrandmotherbailed us out. If shehadn't given me a portion

of an inheritance, we might still be in debtors'prison-assuming such
placesstill exist! \7e could have lost our houseand still feel the pinch
of my mistake.Frankly,it scaredthe devil out of me!"

This anecdoteis illusffative of an important balancing act for many of

us with ADD. We have to put the brakeson our racing thoughts grad.
ually enoughthat we don't come to screechinghalts, paralyzedby
fearsof making impulsive mistakes.Alternately, we don'r alwaysapply
the brakeswhen we should, especiallywhen we're working on some.
thing easyor familiar. !7hen we're feeling overconfident we may "put
the pedal to the metal" and sendour racing thoughts careeningout of
control!

Paralysis of the Will

The balancecan also tip in the other direction, with a failure to act ar
all-something like a paralysisof the will. The output function totally
'S7hen
stopsworking. this happens,the ADDer may find himself in a
frozenstate,unable to take appropriateaction. He may watch the
softball whiz by as if he were a spectatorinsteadof the player respon-
sible for intercepting it. \7hen it's time to answersomeone'squestion,

65
 You MEaNI'v Nor Lezy.Sruproon Cnazy?!

he may standback feelingstupid,becausehe can't think of a response.

Input problemsprobablyalsoplay a part in this paralysisof the will. If
he hasn't input the information he needsto properlyrespond,the qual-
ity of his output will be impaired.
Reaction Time Irregularity
Our discussionof the fast-thinkingbrain may seempuzzling.You may
be thinking, "That's crazy!My brain moveswith the speedof a glacier
and it makesme feel pretty stupid."This is anotherof the ADD para-
doxes.Your brain movesboth very slowly and very rapidlyJepending
on the task.
If an ADDer is free to direct his own thoughtsand actions,the rapid
freewheelingaspectof his brain takesover. When he has to fit into
someoneelse'sagendaeither with wordsor actions,he finds it more
difficult to function well. In other words, it's easierto ect thanreact.
Reactingdependson the problematicinput and output functionsof an
ADD brain. If you can rely on your ability to processinformation inter-
nally, you can often take swift and decisiveaction.

Fluent self-expression is independentof an ability to respondto ques-

tions. A personwith the gift of gabwho ignoresyou when you ask
direct questions,might not be rude or disinterested.He might have
trouble retrieving things from memoryin a demandsituation.

PR: "I have a particular gift for speakingand conduct workshopswith-

out missinga beat.\fhen I get readyto shareinformation with an
audience,I becomeenergizedand focused.I thoroughlyenjoy this
work and am never at a lossfor words.But informal gatheringsare a
totally different matter. Even in a group of friends, I often flnd myself
gropingfor things to sayin responseto questions.

This bafflingbehaviorconfusedme until I understoodmy ADD. Now

it makesperfectsense.I am in chargeof my thoughtsand the direc-
tion of my work during my conferences. I rely on the wealth of my
knowledgeand my excellentlong-termmemoryto orchestratethese
sessions.The questionand answerperiod isn't a problemeither
becausethe focusis somethingI know well. But at the socialgather-
ing, I have to react and respondto conversationgeneratedby other
people.My brain often doesn'twork fastenoughto find what I need
to say.On the way home from thesegatherings,I usuallythink of many

66
 How Anr Wp DrpreRENr?

things I could have said."

Clearly,most peoplefunction bestu'hen the task or subjectis some-

thing they know well. You don't have to have ADD to be at a lossfor
words.But ADDers seemto regularlyexperiencethis phenomenon.It
resultsfrom a significant imbalancein action and reaction capabilities.

Connections to the world are generallyslow and inefficienr while in-

ternal connectionswork with lightning rapidity. Ourpur can be diffi-
cult becausethe ADDer has to synchronizehis mental speedwith his
sloweroutput. An inability to respondquickly to requestsseemsto be
stubbornor non-compliantbehavior.In reality,thesebehaviorscan be
manifestationsof irregularreactioncapabilities.His mouth, brain and
body just don't cooperatevery well in demandsituations.

As many of us strugglewith mismatchedinput/outputcapabilities,we

feel out of control. We live in a world of paradoxes,a world that seems
to tossus about by inexplicableforces.Our needfor control doesn't
come from a desireto be one up on others.It is often a desperateat-
tempt to managea situationso we can function with a degreeof com-
petence.Otherwise,it's so easyto look and feel stupid.

ADD children may not work well in the groupsettingof a classroom

but perform well with a tutor. An ADD adult can have difficulty work-
ing asa committee memberyet perfrormadmirablyas the chairperson.
He may standaroundthe kitchen of a friend preparinga dinner party,
unable to figure out how to assist.But he may successfullyorchestrate
a socialactivity of his own design.

These behaviorscan make you feel lazyand bad about ourself.It's

important to rememberthat this is anotherpieceof ADD. Thesecon-
tradictorybehaviorscan reflectyour genuineinability to reacrquickly
and efficiently ro situations.

The Minuscule Mental Fuel Thnk

Unlessyou happento be in excellentaerobichealth, a frenziedhour
long chasethrough the park after your escapingGreat Dane would
probably do you in for the afternoon. If a nap wasn't warranted, akick

67
 You MrnN I'v Nor Lazv.SruproOn Cnnzv?!

back,put yourfeetup andreadabook breakprobablywould be. You are

exhausted!

This scenariois similar to the daily experiencesof an ADDer. Though

his body might not dashmadly arounda park, his thoughtscan race
aroundhis head.He is mentallytired. A rapidlyworking brain expends
much energyand quickly usesup its daily allotment.

ADDers tend to processinformation at a mind bogglingpaceand burn

out just asquickly.An eight hour workdaycan be torturousfor someone

whosemental energyand productivetimessimply don't last long

enough.Somehave sufficient energyto get through the day but run
out of steamwhen they get home. Familiescan't believethat the slug
in front of the TV could ever be of any useon the job. For years,they
have never seenhim move off his couch!

Many of us think fasterand fatigue more quickly than our non-ADD

68
 How Anp Wr DrnpsnrNr?

peers.Each of us needsto be awareof the impact of cognitive fatigue

on our work tempo. Some adults conservetheir resourcesby coasting
at work, particularly if their jobs aren't too demanding.This rtr"t.gy
can backfire.Without a high level of motivation, the ADDer's job
perfrormance can really suffer.Conversely,the mental fatigue caused
by demandingjob can overloadhis brain'scapacityro fu:nctionwell.
The" challengeis to conservehis mental energyby working ar his own
paceand rhythm.

Shut Down Susceptibility'

What happenswhen the brain'scapacityto processinformation is
exceededTIt shuts d.oq,^nl.
Many of us live in terror that we'll shut
'We
down at a critical moment and becomeuselessin a crisis. may
freezein responseto loud noisesor unexpectedeventsand feel that
we're in slow motion.

An ADDer's overloadedsystemcan make him so tired he can barely

move, talk or think. It is as if he is in a remporarycoma. He experi-
encesattemptsof communicationasassaultson his very being.He
either ignoresthe assaultor snapsan irritable reply-taking any ac-
tion is an impossibility.

An overloadedbrain is similar to an overloadedcomputersysrem.If

you load up the working memory of a computer with excessivedata, it
might crash,losing dataor the functions of the software.Your program
will be temporarily useless.On a mainframecomputer,overloadcan
shut down the entire system.With excessivesensoryinformation, the
brain can alsosufferfrom overload.

Even the most efficient,resilientpersoncan becomedisorganizedunder

certain conditions. Recent discoveriesin the brains of individuals
sufferingfrom Post-Traumnnc Scress
Disorderare good examples.Research
of this condition has grown from an interest in the mental health prob-
lemsof Vietnam era veterans.

Post-TraumaticStressDisorderfollows a psychologicalffauma to
eventsof war, sexualabuseor natural disasteroutsidethe usualrange
of human experience.The sympromsinclude nightmares,flashbacks,
substanceabuseand an exaggeratedstartle response.Previouslywell

69
 You MEnNI'u Nor Lezv.Sruproon Cnazv?!

adjustedpeople aren't immune to the disorder-the symptomscan

occur in anyonewho has experiencedseveretrauma.

The symptomsoften persistyearsafter the traumatic event. Recently,

psychobiologicalresearchershave discoveredactual biochemicalchanges
in the brainsof individualswith post-traumaticstress.zz
It appearsthat
the massiveoverloadexperiencedin extremesituationscan alter the
brain, perhapspermanently.

Although no one can explain the biochemistrythat causesShutDown,

we know from experiencethat it's troubling for many ADDers. Of
course,we aren't the only peoplewho shut down under demanding
situations.The differenceis in degree.It takesa fairly low level of
stressfor the ADD brain to yell "uncle". And when it happens,it's
definitely not fun!

This baffling coma of Shut Down is troubling but essentialfor our

continuedwell-being.It is as if our brainsmust stop the onslaughtso
we can heal ourselvesand renew our depletedreservesof mental

70
 How AnE WEDrrrpntNr?

.19tgy. Rather than fighting it, we need to give in to it and acceptthe

self-imposed rest rime. Our brainsmusrt..h"rg.. Eachof us ha, to
find the bestway to facilitate this renewal.

Undependable Memory and Learning Systems

If you look at a picture of the brain, you won't find an arealabelled
The Memop_.Mpmory is a-processrather than an identifiable part of
the brain. The function of memoryis a sysremwith multiple parrs
scatteredthroughour the brain. Someof the differencesADDers
experienceare.relatedto problemswith memory.In the following
section,we will examinethe impact of ADD symptomson the
memoryprocess.

The First Step of Memory: Acquisition-The first step in the

process'acquisition,is closelyrelatedto selectiveattention. Besides
payingattention to incoming information,it involvesa preliminary
decisionto acceptand storeit.

As ADDers, many of us feel embarrassed by how much we don'r know.

Our selectiveattention deficitsmake it difficult to acquireinforma-
tion that never even finds its way into our memorieslThe positive
sideis that an ability to notice things othersmiss,resultsin a fascinat-
ing and eclecticstorehouseof interestingknowledgel

The second s!"p of Memory: Registration-we have to register

information beforeit can becorn"puit of memory.In this seco.rj ,r"p
of the memory process,we consciouslymake an effort to securethe
information in our memoriesfor subsequenrrecall. If we superficially
registerthe data, we'll have difficulty ritrieving it later. Protlems of
arousalor alertnessoften impair adequateregisiration.'We may only
partially understandconversations, phone *"rr"g., or directionsand
jump the gun on new tasks.

coding and rehearsal are two important parts of registration.Every

tlme you usea file cabinet,you areusing ryrt"rnof coding.you
decidewhether to file the pieceof papei uy" r"liecr,
writ"r,i .r"*. o1.
type of requiredaction. If you recall fiom the discussionof spatial
organization,this is no small taskfor someADDers
I

7L
 You MenNI'u Not Lezv.Sruproon Cnazvl!

Registeringinformation involves essentiallythe samekind of sorting

and filing. \7e decideto code,or file incoming information asa visual
image,a word or a sound. For example,we can code the name "Tom
Thumb" in severalways.The code can be a "picture" of Tom the mid.
get with an enormousthumb (visual),a word, "finger" (verbal) or a
sound,"Tom Thumb is a bum" (auditory).

Rehearsalis what children usedto do in their one-room schoolhouses-

memorizingby reciting their lessonsaloud. \7e userehearsalto prac-
tice and repeatinformation until we anchor it in our memories.To be
effective,rehearsalmust be more than rote memorization.It must in-
clude elaborationof information. If you have ever memorizeda word
list by singing a silly songyou createdfrom the words,you have used
rehearsalelaboration.

Rehearsalis another problem for an ADDer becauseit's tediousand

requirespatience.Theseare usuallynot his bestqualities!He is crea-
tive, though, and can be quite inventive with the sometimesoff-the-
wall coding methodshe designs.

The Third Step of Memory: Storage-The third step involves stor-

ageof the processedinformation. There are four storagesystems:instant
recall, active workingmemor!, short-termmemoryand long-termmemory.
These storagesystemsaren't characterizedby their sizebut by their
duration or how longinformation is storedin each.

Instant recall has the shortestduration. Seeingthe flash of lightening

in your mind's eye is an exampleof instant recall. Touch-typing also
usesthis kind of memory.The typist holds the key'slocation in his
mind only long enoughto presson it.

Active working memory functions much like the working memory

of a computer.\7hile you work, the wordson the screenare held in
the computer'stemporarystorage.If the power goesout, you loseyour
work forever unlessyou have savedit to permanentdisc storage.

RAM memory capacityvariesfrom one computer to another.If you

try to run memory intensive software,your computer might respondto
the overloadwith a shutdown and lossof data. If you're lucky, it might

7Z
 How Anr WE DrrpEnrNr?

givg you a a chance to closefiles or changesoftwareby alerting you ro

its low memory.

Similar to RAM memory your active working memory can shut down
if you try t9 overloadit. It's too bad your brain doesn'tgive clearer
messages of impending shut-down-maybe somethinglike, ,,This is
you.brain.I am preparingto self-destruct!"Complexiiy of detail seems
to shrink the storagecapacity.An ADDer often tur remarkably
unreliable temporarymemory that regularlylosespower " and data.
He
beginsthe first step in solving a complex problem only to lose it ashe
undertakesthe secondstep.The jigsiw piices keepfailing off the table
beforehe can put the whole puzzletog"ih"r.

Short Term Memory alsofunctions as temporarystorage.Its capac-

ity is quite limired with a maximum of five secondsor r"rr"r, items
(plusor minus two). Its unique limitations make it vulnerableto a
variety of interferences.Distractibility wreakshavoc with short rerm
memory.It doesn'ttake more than a brief mind trip for a personro
losedata that he wasn'tmentally presentto register.

An imaginativethinking stylecan alsointerferewith short rerm mem-

orystorage.Elaborationand associationof old and new data is a great
anchor for long term storage.But it can compromisethe qualiry of"short
term storagethat requiresfocuson specificdetails.

lotg Tery Memory is the permanent,seeminglyunlimited store-

houseof facts,experiences, values,routines,and generalknowledge.
You can think of it as a huge bank vault that contains numerour of"-
depositboxes.Memoriesyou needto storeforeverare in a separate
box_deepinsidethe cavemousvault. The onesyou need to remember
while you completeyour errandsare in your safetydepositbox right
inside the vault's steeldoor.

The data in this bank vault is consoh

dnted,or translatedinto a perma-
nent code.The codedetermineswhich box will srorethe information.
When you identifu a Honda, Buick and Ford asauromobiles,you are
usingconsolidation.From experienceand leaming,you form associa-
tions by elaboratingon the characteristics
of eachcar and crossrefer-
encing them to other vehicles.

73
 You MpaNI'v Nor Lxzy.Sruproon Cnnzy?!

A rich imaginationenhancestheseassociations and is an assetfor

long term memorystorage.Since an ADDer tendsto be a conceptual-
izerrather than a rote learner,his consolidationskills can be superb.
He may possess a wealth of information in his bank vault but routinely
forgetwherehe put his car keys!

Fourth Step of Memory: Access-Access is the processof recalling

storedinformation through recognition or retrieval memory.Recog-
nition relieson funiliariry to refreshthe memoriesof superficiallyleamed
data. For example,you userecognition memory to take a multiple
choice test or find your way to a location by noting landmarksalong
the way.

On the other hand, retrieualrequiresprecise,accuraterecall on demand.

\Uhen you take an essayexam,you have to retrieve information as an
accuratewhole. Finding a specificword in your memory banks is ano-
ther retrievaltask.

Retrieval relieson data you have firmly fixed in memory.To anchor

data in memory,you have to usespecificstrategies.Preciserecall is
only asgood asthe strategiesyou usedto storethe information.That's
why rote recitation is a lesseffectivestrategythan memorizingby prin-
ciple. Rote learningresultsin isolateddetailsrather than generalideas
and abstractions.

An ADDer's unique abilitiesand disabilitiescausegreatvariability in

his abiliry to accessinformation.Accurate retrieval is a combination
of attention to the detailsof what he needsto memorize,plannedstrate-
giesfor storageand fast information processing.

With an aversionto details,an ADDer tends to approachmemory

choresin a rapid, superficialand haphazardmanner.This compro-
miseshis ability to developstrategiesfor registration.His limited
reservesof mental energyimpair his ability to maintain sufficienteffort
to memorizesomething.As he quickly bums out, he often rushesto
get the memory chore finished.

His divergentretrieval is usuallymuch fasterand more accuratethan

his convergentretrieval.Rememberthe dynamicsof reactiontime?

74
 How Anr Wr DrrrpnENr?

An ADD adult functionsbetter when he acts(divergenrrerrieval)on

his own ideasthan when he reacts(convergentrerrieval)to a direct
question.He often impresses his friendsand himself ( !) with the fluency
of thoughtsstructuredaroundhis knowledgebase.Everythingis grear
until someoneinterruptswith a questionor even worse,changeslhe
subject.He suddenlyfeelsanxiousand annoyedthat he has to switch
to his faulty convergentrerrieval.

rifth Step of Memory3 Tiansfer-tansfer is a complex processof

rearrangingindividual piecesof data to form new knowledge.It can
include combiningfragmentedpiecesinto a largerwhole. [t can in-
clude applyingdata from one applicationto another.It can alsoin-
clude generalizationsof the common threadsbetweenseemingly
unrelatedideasor evenrs.

A precisememoryfor factsis invaluablein answeringquesrionsabout

a specificsubject.It is lessvaluablein information transferthat depends
on associations. For instance,children and adultswith mental retar-
dation can't transferskills from one setting to another.They have to
learn skills in eachof the semingsthey will userhem.

Transferof knowledgedependson the creative and flexible useof a

knowledgebase.If data is storedin separatelylabeledboxes,rransfer
of knowledgeis impossible.Mixing the contentsof the boxesor com-
bining them in new waysis unthinkablel

An ADDer tendsto be a creative,divergenrrhinker with an ability to

put.knowledgeand ideastogether.He resistspurring things in boxes
with neat labels.Although this can be a disadvu.ttug"when he needs
precisememory it is a decidedadvantagefor transferringknowledge.
He can wanderthrough his safe-deposit boxes,finding information ro
usein new and interestingways.He can applyknowledgeand solve
problemsin waysundreamedof by more orderlythinkeis.

ADD adultsdon't have bad memoriesbut their unique symproms

creategapsin the memoryprocess.Although eachof us has a unique
memoryprofile, we sharesomefairly consistentpatterns.Recognition
memoryis usuallygood.That's why many of us performedwell in

7s
 You MeaNI'u Nor Lnzv, Srupto on Cnezv?!

classroomdiscussionsabout the historic implications of world events

but failed miserablyon teststhat requiredone-word answers.

It makessensethat your memory would be good for a specificsubject

or task that comeseasilyto you. But what about that tough physics
classin high school?Why did you do so well in a difficult subjectthat
requiredon demanl,memory retrieval?Your teachermight have won-
deredthe samething. He might have pointedly usedthis asevidence
of your ability to do it whenyou warltedto.

Your teacherwaspartially correct in his assessment. Your abiliry to excel

wasrelated to motivation but not in the way he thought-your lack of
motivation wasn't the result of your poor attitude. It wasthe result of
an ADDer's need for intenselycompelling motivation to grab the dys-
regulatedselectiveattention. It alsohad a lot to do with individual
teachingstyles.

Everyonehas his own unique leaming style.The visual leamer leams

by seeing,the auditory leamer by hearing and the kinesthetic leamer
by doing/experiencing.If you are a visual leamer and the coursein
questionwastaught with many char$, diagramsand other visual aids,
your brain receivedthe optimal kind of stimuli. Your memory wasgiv-
en just what it neededto function efficiently.

Recognizingindividual leaming stylescan be very helpful in bypassing

weak areasand focusingon strengths.The memory of an ADDer can
compromisehis attemptsto leam, converseand carry out instructions.
Understanding the processgoesa long way toward helping him readjust
his self-assessments.

\il7eADDer's aren't stupid or oppositional.\7e just need to leam and

to demonstratewhat we've leamed, differently than others do. \7e'11
examine thesedifferencesin greaterdepth later in the book.

Impaired Social Skills' Control Center

ADD has a profound impact on all areasof life, including socialadjust-
ment. Symptomsof the disordercan affect interpersonalrelationships
in a variety of ways.

76
 How AnE\7E DrrrEnENr?

Somepeopleseemto be bom with socialgifts and skills of intuition

that_theyusero "read" orher people.Perhapsthey have highly devel-
gPed"Social Skills' Control Centers" in their brainsl \7ith litile effort,
they seemto interact admirablyin socialsituations.Many of us with
ADD, however,really have to work hard at leaming and using social
skills.

\7e leam mannersand other forms of socialrules in childhood-but

successfulrelationshipsrequiremore than memorizedrules.The rules
are somewhatflexible and can changefrom situation to situation. The
developmentof socialskills is more an art than a sciencebecausewe
must leam to readthe ever-changingreactionsof orhers.If deficient
selectiveattention getsin the way,an ADDer's perceptionsmay be
flawed by inaccurateor incomplete information.

If we are unsureof the rulesin a given situation, we watch other people

for cluesand gaugetheir reactionsto our behaviors.An inabilitv to
processinformation efficiently can result in a failure ro assimilaiethe
leY rulesquickly enough.Combinedwith impulsivity,this deficit can
leadto numeroussocialmistakes.

77
 You MrnN I'u Nor L,+zy.Sruprnon Cnnzy?!

Developingfriendshipscan be difficult for an ADDer whoserestless-

nessinterfereswith the process.Building lasting friendshipsrequires
slow,carefulplanning and nurturing. Many of us simply can't wait
around long enough for this processto take its course.So, we try to
speedit up and cqme on like gangbusters, pushing ourselvesinto
other'slives.

"l know you saidthat you would call me, but I figuredI'd just drop
over and seewhat you weredoing.Yeah,I know it's Z:00a.m.Yeah,I
know I alreadycalled three times today."

An ADD adult may have brief conversationswith many peoplebut be

unable to focuslong enoughon a given relationshipto make a connec-
tion. It's just too difficult to hang in there for the duration. Intimacy,
with its demandsfor carefulattention to another person,ffixy elude
him. He works so hard at following the rules and not looking foolish
that he may have insufficient energyleft to focuson someoneelse.

If you are an ADD adult who has grown up feeling like a socialreject,
don't despair!It's never too late to developa socialnetwork. You may
have unrealisticexpectationsfor yoursell believingthat you shouldbe
like one of the gang onThirty something, with friends dropping in all
the time. It can be healthierfor your soul to recognizethat this life-
stylemay be unnecessary and undesirable.Using your energyto develop
one or two positiverelationshipscan be a much better way to go.

Someof the eccentric traits that causedan ADDer's childhood peers

to labelhim "weird" often becomeadmirableffaits in adulthood.\Ueird
becomesunique,specialor interesting.Creativity,a specialtalent, a
senseof humor or an enthusiasticzestcan be a socialmagnet,drawing
other peopleto him.

By this point in your reading,we hope you have a better understanding

about what ADD is and the impact it has had on your life. \7e hope
you have begun to forgive yourselffor the failuresand shortcomings
you may have blamed on your lack of character.\7e hope you know
that your ADD isn't your fault.

78
 How AnEWt DrppgneNr?

In the next chapter,we'll look at someadditionaldynamicsof ADD.

our focuswill be the unproductive waysmany of us have leamed to
cope with our disorder.Growing up different affectsthe wav each of us
interactswith our individual worlds and the people in them.

By understandinsyggr disorderyou've alreadybegun the processof

dismantling your self-defeatingassumprions.To continrr" ihi, impor-
tant process,you need to considerboth the adaptiveand maladaptive
coping strategiesyou'vebeenusingto copewith being different.lUith
this-knowledge,you can make decisionr your bJhaviorsand
modifir those that are getting in the way "borrt
of your recovery.

79
 CHaprEn 5

TheNotSoFineArt
of Coping
"I won't thinkaboutthat rcday. . .lll thinkaboutit tomorrow."

S.url.tt O'Hara usedthis classicline severaltimes in the movie,

Gone withtheWind. She had masteredthe art of dealingwith the
problemsin her life by avoiding them-she put them out of her mind.
S.url"tt may have been a fictional character,but shedid what all
human beingsdo. She developedcoping strategies, defensemechanisms,
to defendherselfagainstpsychologicaland emotional harm.

Defensemechanismsare the survival techniqueswe leam through our

life experiences.Scarlettleamedto protectherselfagainstfeelingguilty
for hei lessthan admirablebehaviorswith her, "l'11put it out my mind"
defense.Defensemechanismsbecomearmorsthat shield Scarlett and
all of us,from hufts and disappointments.

Becauseof our differences,we ADDers enduremore than our fair share

of disappointments,rejection and feelingsof inadequacy.By the time
*" r"".h adulthood,many of us have erectedelaboratedefensesystems
to hide our differencesor distract othersfrom seeingthem. We dontt
want to be different and will jump through hoops to fit in and gain
acceptance.So, we build shieldsto defendourselvesagainstemotional
harm.

Defensemechanismscan be psychologicallybeneficial.They can be

adaptive,positivecoping mechanisms.They can alsobe psycholog--
icaliy harntfrl, maladaptivecoping mechanismsthat underminegrowth.
Scarietsomerim", ,r"d her Denialdefenss-('[f I don't think about the

80
 THr Nor So FINEAnr Or CoprNc

problem, it doesn'texist" asan adaptivecoping mechanism.lUhen she

killed a man in self-defense,
her refusalto think about the devastaring
circumstancesenabledher to survive its horror.

Unfortunately, Scarlett overusedthe defense.She usedit not only to

surviveemotionalharm but alsoto insulateherselffrom ever thinking
about the possibleconsequences of her actions.Becauseshedidn't
allow herselfto considerthe impact of her behavior,sherealizedtoo
81
 You MraN I'v Nor Lnzv.SruptoOn Cnnzv?!

late that shewasdestroyingher marriage.Even in the final scenewhen

Rhett Butler leaveswith his declarationthat their relationshipis over,
Scarletrefusesto confront reality. Again she invokesher standard
refrain, "l won't think about that now, I'11think about it tomorrow."
The defensemechanismsthat ADDers useare sometimeshelpful and
sometimesharmful, creatingmore problemsthan they solve.It's impor-
tant for each of us to analyzethe maladaptivebehaviorsthat get us in
trouble.In later sectionsabout recovery,we'Il examinesomeadaptive
coping strategieswe can substitutefor the harmful ones.
'We've
compiled somecharactersketchesof real peoplestrugglingto
cope with their differences.Each usesa maladaptivecoping strategy.If
you recognizeyourselfin any of their descriptions,you will already
have taken an important step in your recovery.If you can analyzeyour
maladaptivedefenses, you can begin to substituteemotionallyhealth-
ier ones.

Bad is Better than Stupid

Susanis 15 yearsold. Justa few yearsagoher classmates thought she
wasweird. They teasedher for being in the "ozone"during class.She
waspuzzledand hurt that no one wanted to befriend her. Now at long
last, shehas found a group of kids that embracesher.

Susanand her new friends wear extreme,punk hairstylesand clothing.

They have a doomsdaymentality. Since they're surethe world is going
to Hell no matter what they do, they think it's uselessto work hard at
schoolor to try to excel at anything.They are smartkids. They use
their collective intelligenceto write nihilistic poetry and makedarkly
humorousjokes.They flirt with death asthey take drugsand have sex
without safeguards.

Although the groupisn't violent, eachof the kids has a hostile, sarcastic
and tough manner.Their peersare afraid of them. SometimesSusanis
scaredtoo by the talk of suicideand the useof IV drugs.But at least
shefeelsacceptedby u groupof her peers.The other kids don't dare
make fun of her now and she is off the hook asfar asschool work goes.

Elementaryschool wasalwaysdifficult for Susan,but junior high and

hlgh schoolhave beennightmares.Many ADDers can empathizewith
her. She has alwaysfelt incompetent,stupid and rejected.Slow and
82
 TUE
Nor SoFINE
Anr OrCoprNc

awkward in leaming new sportsand masteringthe art of conversation,

shehasn't faredany better in physicalprowessor in her sociallife.

She has leamed one thing very well-adolescents admire kids who are
cool and in control. Driven by the adolescent's
intenseneed to fit in,
Susanhas learnedthat rebelliousbehavioris more acceptablethan the
uncertainfumblingsof someonestrugglingwith disabilities.She has
decidedthat BeingBadis better than BeingStupid.

Facedwith reality assheexperiencesit, Susanchoosesinclusion in

the gangover humiliation and alienation.She hasa third choice.She
can leam new waysof dealingwith her differences.She doesn'rconsider
this option becauseshe is driven to saveface.She'salwaysin trouble
with her parentsand teachersbut is willing ro pay this high price for
acceptance.

The defensemechanismSusanhas learnedis common in adolescence.

A defiant and snnart reply to a teacher'squestionscan get a few laughs
and perhapssomeadmiration from other kids. It's a way to avoid an-
sweringa questionwithout looking stupid.The stint in detention hall
that follows can be a reasonableprice to pay for maintaining one's
image.And anyway,getting plenty of detentionsis cool.

TOUGHNESS createsa smokescreento nasLVULNERABILITY.

If v9u separateSusanand her friendsfrom their group and managero

dig beneaththe tough shells,you find troubled,uncerrainkids. Muny
vulnerableADD adolescents continue to weartheir shieldsof tough-
nessinto adulthood.They usuallymanageto keep themselvesand
their tough facadeswithin the boundsof society'srulesand don'r be-
come major leaguecriminalsor radicals.A hostile attitude, however,
intimidatesother peopleand preventsanyonefrom getring too close.
This defensemechanismdoesdouble duty asa cover for pioblems and
an insulator from other people.Unfortunately, Susanand her counter-
partsmay pay a high price, indeed.

The Perfectionist
Unlike Susanwho protectsherselfby rebellingagainsrsociery'srules,
Debrahas taken rhe oppositetack. She hasdecidedthat being the

83
 You MEnNI'r'rNor Lazy.SruproOn Cnazy?!

best,regardless of the cost,is the only way to hide her deficits.Debra

is a Perfectionist.

She hasADD but thosewho know her would neverbelieveit. Although

her poor conduct gradesreflectedher restlessness, her behaviorwasn't
disruptiveenoughto causeseriousdisciplineproblemsin school.In
general,shefollowed the rules and did what wasaskedof her. Before
shegraduated-in the top 3o/oofher high schoolclassof one thousand-
she took part in many extracurricularactivities. Everyonecountedon
her to volunteer for any task that neededto be done.

You might be askinghow someonewith ADD could function so well.

\fell, Debrawasn'treally functioning very well despiteher carefully
constructedfacade.She rarely slept more than four or five hours each
night. This had nothing to do with insomnia.She didn't sleepmuch
becauseshedidn't have time-she had to studytwice aslong asevery-
body elseto leam the material.She regularly"pulled all-nighters"and
never had time to relax or hang out.

Sometimesshedesperatelylongedto get off her treadmill but didn't

darerisk disclosure.If shefailed to do everything,her secretwould be
out. Everyonewould know shewasn'tnormal. The hitch wasthat Debra
didn't have a clue about what "normal" was.She had kept her secret
so long that shehad inflated ideasaboutwhat other peoplecould accom-
plish. She thought that if shesaid"No" ro anyrhing,shewould be
found-out.

Her inability to say"No" got her into serioustrouble in all areasof

life. Beginningin seventhgrade,shehad sexwith any boy who asked
and pushedthe bad feelingsabout herselfto the back of her mind. Even
a pregnancyand an abortion didn't changeher sexualbehavior.Her
impairedsenseof sell distortedby differencesshedidn't understand,
causedher to do anything that would bring acceptance.

Now 32 yearsold, Debrais marriedand hasa setof twins and a success-

ful business.She still worksherselfto death,compelledrc do it all. kb
becomingincreasinglymore difficult to do it all with so many conflic-
ting demandson her time. Children, husband,volunteerwork and
clients all vie for her attention. Lately shefeelsthat she'slosingcon-
trol and that at any moment somethinghorrible is going to happen.

84
 TUENor So FrNeAnr OpCoprNc

She can't keep all the piecestogetheranymore.

\fhile Debramay look good to outsiders,shefeelsterrible inside.She

has to spendall her energyrunning and hiding behind her facadeof
perfection.Knowing that she hasjust about pushedherselfbeyondher
limits, shewonderswhen she'll totally self-destruct.

There are many Debra'saround. It's interesting to speculatethe num-

bersof supermen and women who strugglewith disability beneath
their in controlexteriors.Readerswho are familiar with codependency
may recognizesimilar traits in Debra.She'strying to gain control of
her life by taking careof everything and everybody.Recoveringcodepen-
dentscould tell her that it doesn'twork.

The Blamer
Steve never admits he'smade a mistake.When he can't find impor-
tant papersin the blackholethat constituteshis office,he accuses
his
secretaryof losingthem. He terrorizeshis wife, kids and employeesby
flying off the handle and accusingthem when anything goeswrong.
 You MsaNI'u Nor Ltzy. Srupn On Cnazy?!

At 28 yearsold, Steveis a chronic Blamer.lf food falls out when he

jerks the refrigeratordoor open, he yells at his wife for putting the
groceriesawayincorrectly.If his kids don't understandhis instructions,
he blamesit on their stupidityor inattention. It's an impossibilitythat
his instructionswere unclear.Enduringhis daily accusationsand anger,
his family beginsto believe they are at fault.

Most peoplewho know Steve characterizehim as an arrogantSOB.

\Uhat they don't realizeis that beneathhis blustery,aggressive exterior
is a scared,rejectedkid. Steveis shieldinghimself againstfeelingsof
inadequacyby shifting the blame to others.This keepseveryonefrom
looking too closelyat his performance.He's terrified that he'll be ex-
posedfor the bumbling idiot he really is. Although he'sa successful
businessman,he still feelslike the kid who wasregularlyridiculed and
punished.Thpesfrom the pastkeep playing in his head, "How could
you be so stupid! You'll never be worth anything!"

The defensemechanismof Blarningis similar to BeingBad except that

the blamer fendsoff peopleby actively accusingthem of stupidity or
wrongdoing.The badpersonkeepsothers off balancewith angerand
hostility but not necessarily
with criticism. Blamerscan never let any-
thing go. To maintain their fragile emotional equilibrium, they must
have a scapegoatto blame for everythingthat happens.For the blamer,
accidentsdon't exist.
ttWho Cares?tt
Jim is 30 yearsold and has worked asa waiter or cab driver most of his
adult life. He is intelligent and well-informed. He loves to engagein
lively discussionsabout current eventswith his friends and anyone
elsewho will listen. He has a good senseof humor about things in gen-
eral and himself in particular.At his legendaryhigh school graduation
(his friendswere amazedhe ever managedto graduate),he joined in
the laughterashis buddiescarriedhim down the aisleon their shoulders.

Peopleenjoy being aroundJim becausehe's likable and easygoing.

Nothing seemsto bother him, even when bossesand coworkersask
him to work unpopularor extra hours.They know he won't complain.

Jim makesexcusesfor the peoplewho do him wrongor maintains that

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 THsNor So FrNsAnr Or CoprNc

the things they do don't bother him. He professesto be content with

his life the way it is. Secretlyhe feelsbad that he didn't go to college
ashis brothers and sistersdid. He isn't at peacewith himself and has
many physicalsymptomsto prove it: tension headaches,high blood
pressureand an ulcer that regularlyflairs up.

Jim feelsthat he's a failure and maskshis feelingsof inadequacywith

his \X/hoCarespersona.His wide circle of friendsand broad knowledge
basedon't make up for his academicshortcomings.The defensemech-
anism he usesto protect himself is similar to Susan's.Borrowing from
the fox in the sour grapes'fable, both pretend that things out of reach
aren't worthwhile, anyway.Susan'sarroganceand Jim's indifference
are shieldsof armor to prevent anyonefrom seeingtheir disabilites.

Janepresentsa slightly different version of the Who Caresdefense.

Jane,a 47 yearold mother of two, is intelligent and creativeand has
impressiveartistic talents.Despiteher gifts,Jane'sADD madeschoola
monumental struggle.It took twice the customarytime for her to com-
plete college.Beforechoosingto stayhome with her children, shehad
alwaysheld jobs well below her educationallevel.

Janeis outspokenabout the excessivecompetition and materialismin

today'ssociety.She is proud of her skill at budgetingmoney and has
leamedto live without the many consumergoodsothersconsiderneces-
sities.She doesn'town a VCR or clothes' dryer.

Jane'swise useof resourcesenablesher to devote time to her family

and have enough left over to pursueher own interests.Her choice of
saying"No" to the rat race to live by her own values,is admirable.The
problem is,Janeisn't entirely comfortablewith her decision.She "Doth
protesttoo much" when shescoffsat academicand careerachievement.
There is a distinctively angry defensiveedgeto her voice when she
rationalizesher life choices.She spendsmuch time explaining herself.

Jim'sindifferenceis passiveand Jane'sis assertive,but both are care-

fully designedmasks.Janedoesn'tfeel successful.She usesso much
energyon defensethat she can't acceptherselfor honestly evaluate
her choices.Perhapsbeneaththe bristly Wha Caresdefenseis a real
desireto accomplishsomeof the things sherejects.Perhapsthe choices

8i
 You MEeNI'v Nor L,+zy,SruproOn Cnezy?!

shehas made are right for her. Regrettably,she works so hard at

protecting her fragile ego rhat shehas little energyleft for living
the life she has chosen.

Ji-, on the other hand, can't realisticallyassess himselfbecausehe

worksso hard at prerendingnorhing bothershim. His "what me
w_orry"attitude maskshis real feelingsthat probably include anger.
He is a-ngryat himself for his shortcomingsand at the peoplewho
take advantageof him. His armor protectshim but alsopr"u.rrt,
him from grapplingwith ambitionshe'snever been able^toadmit.
If he'sever able to let his guarddown, he'll need to confront his
?ng_er:If he can leam to deal with his feelingsup front, he may even
find that his physicalhealth improves.

Manipulation
T.dd is 47 y€arsold and is restless,arrracriveand charming.He
frequentlychangesrelationships,living arrangemenrs and iobs. He
useshis disarming,boyishmanner asa powerful lure to hook others
into willingly taking careof him. He never pulls his weight at work,
relying insteadon his masreryof manipulationro ger oth"r, to do
the work for him.

Facedwith a tediousor difficult task,Todd flattersand cajolesothers

into bailing him out. Sometimeshe actshelpless,gettingcoworkers
19do his 1obunder the guiseof teachinghim. He sayssomething
like, "l never wasany good at that. I really admirepeople.uho cin
do it." Sometimeshe tells a tale of woe about his bbsspiting work
on him or about emergencies in his life. His manipulaiivebeharr-
ior usuallyworks and someonestepsin to bail him out. As soonas
he feelsrestlessor coworkersgeron to him,he simply changesjobs.

Fdd usuallymakesdecentmoneybur regularlyendsup flat broke

becausehe'scarelessand impulsivewith hir rp"nding. To deal with
his financial difficuhies,he relieson the women in his life to sup-
port him. His women do more than simply contriburero his finan-
cial support.They are alsochargedwith keepinghim out of trouble.
They keep track of his checkbookand his ho.rieholdand social
responsibilities.Todd manipulatesthem by usingguilt, charm,sex
appeal-whatever maneuverwill work in a given situation.

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 THr Nor So FtNrAnr Or CoprNc

Often he manipulateshis current woman into keepinghim together

enoughto hold down his 1ob.She getshim up in the moming, monitors
his performanceand smoothsthings over with the bosswhen Todd
messes up. More often than not, he endsthe relationshipwhen he
feelstoo constrainedby the "mothering".His behaviorsoundsa lot
like an alcoholic'sbut he doesn'tdrink. He hasjust leamedto manip-
ulate like someonewho does.

Todd might seemlike a ruthless,unfeelinguserwho will stop at nothing

to ensurethat his needsare met. He isn't pure villain, however.He's
an ADD adult who has learnedto useManipulationas a cover for his
underlyingproblems.

He lives in a constant stateof emergency,running scaredall the time.

He knowshe regularlymakesmistakesbut feelshelplessto prevent
them. So he survivesby usingother peopleto coverfor him. It's the
only way he knows to survivealthoughhe'sawarethat it's unacceptable
for a grown man to be caredfor this way.

Todd simplyhasn't figuredout an altemative method for satisfyinghis

needs.His manipulationsareneither consciousnor premeditated.He
doesn'tconnect his actionswith their impact on others.His impulsivity
and lack of attention to detail makehim unawareof much of his behav-
ior and its consequences.

Websterdefinesmanipulatingas"controlling or playing on others

usingunfair means".Manipulation may be a dirty word but everyone
usesit on occasion.Although we may not like being manipulatedas
puppetson a string,we may need to occasionallyusethis defenseasa
matter of survival.

ADD adultsin particularcan becomemastersof the art of manipula-

tion. It's a tough, competitiveworld out there with dire consequences
for thosewho sink to the bottom of the heap.Many of the newly home-
lessare hardworking folk who slid over the line into poverty following
a setbacksuch asunemploymentor illness.If someonestartsout in life
with a physicalhandicap,learningdisabilityor ADD, the stakesare
higher and riskier.There is a great temptation to useany available
meansto improveone'soddsof survival.

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 You MpnNI'v Nor Lnzy,SruproOn Cnazy?!

This isn't to saythat the majority of peoplewith disabilitiesbecome

manipulative.Most are rather heroic in their striving to achieve.They
qelgrall-v9op9by learning to work harder than non-dirabled people.
ADD adults,however,have additionalrisk factorsthat increaseihe
oddsof their becomingmasrersof manipulation.

Withdrawal
Barb is both unattachedand detached.Twenty-five yearsold, she lives
with her parentsand works as a file clerk. She has rarely dated,has no
closefriends and spendsmost of her free time watching TV. Occasion-
ally she goesout to dinner with a coworkerbut that's th. .*t"nt of her
sociallife. She spendsher vacationstaggingalongwith her parents.
Although Barb has an aboveaverageIQ, she is a marginal wbrker on
the job. She makesmany mistakesand has trouble keeping up with
her colleagues.

Barb is different from most of the ADDers you've mer in this chapter.
She isn't anxiousabouther performanceand doesn'tworry abo,rihe,
lessthan glowing appraisals. After a childhood of academicand social
failures,shehasdecidedthat giving up is the safesrthing shecan do.
She has chosento accepther mediocrity.The price she paysis a life of
boredom,lonelinessand depression. Barb is freefrom thl risksshe
would faceif shedecidedto live her life fully. But is it worth it?

Similar to many ADD adults,Barb'shandicaphasnever been identified.

She is neither hyperactivenor impulsive.Everyonehas alwaystold
her that she is lethargic and spacey.Barb believesthis characrerization.
She has chosensurvival through Withdrawal.

This defenseis a cousin to the \XAoCaressrancebut operatesslightly

differently.Barb has given up completelyand hascarefullyburiedher
feelingsand doubts.She never givesany thought to the possibilitythat
her life could be different.Jim, on the other hand, maintainsnagging
doubtsabouthis abilitiesand lack of achievement.On somele""l, h"
continuesto think about theseissuesthat trouble him.

Insulatedfrom pain by suppressingfeelingsof inadequacy,Barb can'r

make a thoughtful decisionabout her life. The Barbisof this world
haven't madepeacewith themselvgs-i1'sas if rhev'reburied alive.

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 THENor So FrNsAnr OpCoprNc

Chip on the Shoulder

While Barb quietly withdraws,Paulaaggressively poisesfor full-scale
battle everymoment of her life. She'sonly 19, but has developedan
especiallyprickly suit of armor.When her husbandasksif shehas taken
out the trash, she reactsdefensively.She offersa long-winded explan-
ation of why shehasn't been able to get around to the chore yet. As
she becomesincreasinglyangry and indignant, she switchesto the
offensive,attackingher husbandfor overworkingher with his demands.

Paula'shusbandaskedabout the trashonly becausehe wasgoing out-

sideand wanted to take it with him if it wasstill in the house.He
wearilyretreatsfrom the house,wonderinghow his good intentions
endedup in this ugly scene.Paularetreatsto nurseher angerat a world
that is alwaysdissatisfied
with her efforts.

Paulais a selfishshrew,making her saintlyhusband'slife miserable.

She has a colossalChipon the Shoulder,respondingto innocent com-
mentswith a barrageof defensiveexcusesand explanations.At least
this is the way sheacts.But appearancesaren't alwayswhat they seem.

Paulais an ADD adult who spent much of her childhood rebukedfor

things sheforgot to do or didn't finish. Her soul is raw from all the
times sheworkedher heart out only to be chastisedfor the one thing
shedidn't do. Her life hasbeen filled with falseaccusationsof thought-
lessness and lazinessthat no one knew weresymptomsof her subtle
disability.She ruminatesabout the injusticesin her life and the unfair-
nessof it all.

Paula'sChip on The Shoulderis a protective suit of armor designedto

shoreup her senseof self.She continually defendsherselfasa matter
of reflex even when sheisn't being attacked.The intensity of her defen-
sive stancemay be out of proportion to the imaginedslight but her life
experienceshave taught her to expectcriticism. She can never let down
her defenses. She has to be readyfor the next assaulton her being.

Paula'sdefenseservesanotherpurpose.It inoculatesher againstrequests

for her time or energy.With deficits that interfere with an organized
lifestyle,shefrantically tries to keepup with demandsthat are some-
times overwhelming.Her prickly shell fendsoff at leastsomeof the

9T
 You MpnNI'ruNor Lazy,SruproOn Cnezy?!

extra demandsas it makespeople rhink twice about approachingher

with questionsor requestsfor her involvement.

There isn't anything inherently bad about emotional self.defensein

the faceof real injustice. In Paula'scase,however,her knee-jerkdefen-
sivenessis the maladaptivesuit she wearsevery moment of her life.
She has sufferedso many woundsthat she can't differentiate between
real and imaginedassaul$.She focusesexclusivelyon protection, never
allowing herselfto find the strengthsthat would leadto positivegrowrh.

Thke Me or Leave Me
You probablyknow highly effectivepeoplewhoseself.confidenceyou
admire.They are self-assured and comfortablewith themselves.They
assumea healthy attitude of "'!7har you seeis what you ger-I'm okay
and have nothing to hide." Th"y userhis posrurein a positive way.Th.y
are unlikely, for example,to wastetime on relationshipsthat probably
wouldn't work anyway.

Peteis aTal<eMeor Leaqre Me man in his mid-'30's.He is attractive

and affable,drawing peopleto him with his senseof humor and gift of
gab.He comesacrossashonest, straightforwardand comfortable-with
his limitations. He sincerelyapologizes
when he missesan imporrant
deadlineat work or forgetsto attend his daughter'sschool pluy. Pete
disarmsmost peopleby being the first to admit his weaknesses. He fre.
quently makeshimself the butt of his own jokes.

"'What you seeis what you get" Pete,has chosena positive coping
mechanism.. .Or hashe?What makesPetedifferent from the self-
confident peoplewe described? The differenceis that Pete'sTake Me Or
LeaveMe attitude is a carefullyfabricatedfacadebehind which he hides.

He is a grown-up classclown who "keeps'em laughing" so no one will

notice the things he can't do. He useshis excellent senseof humor to
createa smokescreento hide difficulties and deflect criticism. \7ould-
be critics find the wind taken out of their sailswhen Petebeatsthem
to the punch by making a joke abouthis failings.He leavesthem with
nothing ro say.

It's healthy to take ourselveslessseriously.Pete,however,doesit to

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excess.Though he readilyadmitshis weaknesses, he never doesany-

thing about them! He retreatsbehind his self-deprecating
facadein-
steadof honestlystudyinghis behavior.

He'sbusyhiding and is unawareof the increasingfrustration and anger

of his friends.They continue to forgive his failings but are beginning
to have naggingfeelingsthat somethingis rotteninDenmark.Pete's
basically a "good guy", but he'stotally undependable.He isn't doing
anything to improve himself. His mistakesare getting lessfunny and
his refusalto take anything seriouslyis causingincreasingresentment.

Pete'scopingmechanismdoesprotecthim, but it's maladaptive.It pre-

vents the introspectionhe needsto makepositivechangesin his life.

It Ain't So
Donna'sfamily of five lurchesfrom crisisto crisis.She alwaysattributes
her family'sproblemsto extemal eventsand people.Euerythingwillbe
fine when the excitementof Christmasis oqteror whenoneof the kids getsa
new teacher.She spendsmuch of her time waiting for things to return
to normal, but they never do.

Donna is 34 yearsold and hasgiven up a professionalcareerto stayhome

with her three children who are all hyperactiveand disobedient.Donna
is gentle and spacey,rarelyraisingher voice to her children or asser-
ting herselfwith other adults.She works hard at a difficult parenting
job but her children continue to be unruly,and her householdremains
noisy and disordered.\fhen a crisiserupts,sheconsultswith profes-
sionalsbut promptly disregards their advice.She deniesthat a real
problemexists.

SeveralyearsagoDonna wasdiagnosedwith ADD. Her physicianpre-

scribedRitalin and shetook it for a short while. She explainsthat she
stoppedtaking the medicinebecauseit interferedwith her sleepbut
shenever botheredtelling her doctor about the sideeffect.

It's obviousto anyonewho knows Donna that her ADD has a big
impact on the problemsshe experiences.The chaoscreatedby her
unruly children overwhelmsher. Her deficits make it nearly impos-
sibleto provide the firm disciplineand structureher children need so

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 You MenNI'v Nor Lxzy,SruproOn Cnnzy?!

desperately.
She continuesto deludeherselfinto thinking she can manage
everything by herself.

Donna avoidsher problemsthe way Scarlett O'Hara avoidedhers.She

choosesto deny they exist.Denial is an integralpart of grief when a
loved one dies.It providestime for mobilizingsrrengrhro copewith
the realizationof the loss.Denial is a healthy,essentialsrepthar leads
to ultimate acceptance.

The end of a relationshipor a job, the lossof a body part or an altera-

tion in self.imagecan alsoset the grief processin motion. Donna is
grievingthe lossof aperfect,healthyself, replacedwith the label of
ADD. She has alwaysknown that somethingwaswrong but hasn't
found comfort in her diagnosis.Similar to a widow who keepsher long
deceased spouse'sbelongingsas if he werestill alive, Donna is stuck in
denial. Becauseshecan't acknowledgeher limitations shecan'r move
beyond them toward a stageof acceptance.

Donna usesher It Ain't Sodefenseto run frantically in circles,trying

to avoid facing herself.Unable to own her ADD, sheconrinuesto
attribute her problemsto somethingor somebodyelse.She refusesro
take neededmedicationor avail herselfof professionalhetp. She ex-
pendsconsiderableenergyrrying to keep everythingtogerher.Her
misguidedefforts,however,don't yield results.If shecan ever faceher
situationrealistically,she'll be able to useher creativemind to find
solutions.

Learned Helplessness
Tiacy is a modern day Prissy,the flaky servantgirl in the movie Gone
With theWind who didn't "know nothin' 'bour birthin' babies'lPlaved
by Butterfly McQueen, Prissyaffecteda simple-mindedair that helped
her avoid responsibilities.

In the era of slaverythis defensewasboth clever and appropriate."Sru-

pid like a fox" Prissyusedher helplessness asa mechanismfor control
without risking the severeconsequences of outright rebellion.Tiacy
has leamed that helplessness works aseffectivelyfor her as it did for
Prissy.Approaching her fiftieth birthday, shehas spenryearsleaming
to play the role ro rhe hilt.

e4
 TUENor So FINIAnr Or Copnc

Tlacy never worriesabout failure.Similar to the manipulator,sheavoids

her responsibilitiesat work and in her sociallife by getting othersto
do everything for her. She smilescharmingly asshe appealsto others
for help. Her method differsfrom Todd's.She openly useshelplessness
asher ploy. She flattersand booststhe egosof her rescuers, contrasting
her poor, dumblittle me act with their competence.

Women have beenfrequentlycharacterized asincompetentand help-

'We
less. aren't trying to perpetuatean unfortunate stereotypeby cast-
ing Tracy in her maladaptivefeminine role. Her helplessnessis a coping
strategyusedby many membersof oppressed groupssuch asminorities
and women.If you are otherwisepowerlessasPrissywas,you can use
helplessness to surviveand exercisesomecontrol. Few men usethis
coping strategybecauseplayinghelplessisn't an acceptablemale role
in our society.Men can't get awaywith it!

Although Tracy is bright and personable,her ADD has alwaysmade

her feel unableto copewith the realitiesof her life. LearnedHelpless-
nessmakesher life easierto handle. She managesto remain unstressed,
but alsounchallenged.Tracyneedshelp in affirmingher abilitiesso
she can feel comfortableenough to risk failure and find success.

Controlling
You probablyknow Jackor someonesimilar.At 56 yearsold, he lives
by the adage,"He who has the gold, rules".He establishes himself as
the undisputed ruler of his kingdoms at home and at work. He has
usedhis intelligence,creativity and high energylevel to rise to a high
poweredposition in a largecorporation.Jackhas aggressively and re-
lentlesslyclimbed high on the ladderof success. He seemsto have used
the symptomsof his ADD to his advantageand shouldbe congratu-
lated for his efforts.. .Or should he?

Jackmeasures his success againstextemal rewardsof financial gain.

Unfortunately, he has orchestratedhis successthrough his domination
of the peoplein his life. He monopolizesconversationsand insistson
having the last word. He makesall decisionsat home and on the job.
He regardshis beautiful wife asan eamed bonus and trea$ her as a
subjectin his kingdom. At work he alwayssetsthe agendaat meetings
even when it isn't his responsibility.If someoneelsechairsa meeting,
he subtlyunderminesthe agenda,steeringit in a direction that suits
his needs.
95
 You MEnNI'v Nor LAzt, SruproOn Cnnzy?!

1r
t o
L/

I
II
,
I
I

He makesunilateraldecisions,often incurring the wrarh of his peers

for his failure to consultwith them. His resentfulcolleaguesu.d
"--
ployeesare readyto lynch him. His wife is fed up and is thinking about
leavinghim. He has madean impressivearrayof enemieswho would
like nothing more than to overthrowthe king.

JustasTracyseemsthe stereotypedhelplesswoman,Jackrepresents
the stereotypeddomineering,aggressiveand controlli.rg *"n. Certainly
there arewomen who operarein similar fashionto Ja&. Usually they
are toppledmore quickly.In general,controlling behaviorin females
isn't acceptedany more than helplessness
is in men.

One could arguethat "The way Jack is, is the way he is; he'sjust a con-
trolling kind of guy."k's true that men and women with ADD may be
aggressive and bossyby temperament.Controlling behaviorlike Jack's,
however,can be more than an expressionof one'snature.It can t"
learneddefensemechanismthat becomesa hiding placefrom deficits. "

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 THpNor So Fwr Anr Or CoprNc

\Uhile it isn't readily apparentfrom his behavior,K,ttgJacklives in

perpetualterror of looking stupid. At home, he controls his family's
agendato avoid the risk that his wife will choosean activity that will
exposehis weaknesses. At work, he commanlsall discussionsbecause
he knows he'sonly effective when he follows his own train of thought.
By not letting anyoneelsecontribute, he avoidsthe confusion and
embarrassmenthe feelswhen questionsand commentsderail him.

Jack'sControllingdefensemechanismmay backfire.One falsemove

and he may maneuverhimself out of a job and a family.

Character Sketches of Folk You May Know

The ADDers you've met useacquireddefensemechanisms 'We've to protect
themselvesfrom public exposureof their deficits. examinedthe
rationale for their choicesand the waysin which their coping strate-
giesare maladaptive.
Human behavioris too complexto explain within the context of de-
fensemechanismsalone. Beneaththe defensesare the individual char-
acteristicswe arebom with. MaladaptiveADD behaviorsare a com-
bination of variousleameddefensivemaneuversand specificdeficits.
In the next section,we'll look more closelyat behavioralmanifestations
of specificdeficits.Thesevignettesaren't condemnationsof ADDers-
we get plenty of theml Rather,we have designedthem to illustratewhat
can happen if ADD symptomsflourish without control or intervention.
The Peter Pan Syndrome3 48 Going on 12
You may be familiar with thePeterPanSyndrome, popularizedin a
book on the subject.'3Peoplein our societynormally experiencesome
regretat leavingchildhood and taking on adult responsibilities.
Most
of us, however,manageto bite the bullet and make the transition into
adulthood. Chris ts a PeterPan who has decidedthat growing up is
simply not worth it.
As Chris approacheshis forty-ninth birthday, he continues to live in a
stateof perpetualchildhood. He has a personalitythat attractspeople.
Energeticoptimism,a wacky senseof humor and a warm acceptance
of others make the people around him feel good.

97
 You MpeNI'u Nor LAzv,SruproOn Cnnzy?!

He afwayshas more invitations rhan he can accepr.The easewith

which he connectswith peoplepromisesan intimacy that never materi-
alizes.After an initial periodof an intenseconnection,would-belovers
and closefriendsfind him an elusiveman, impossibleto pin down. He
refusesto make plans,preferringto live from moment to moment. The
notion of commitment to goalsor a relationshipis incomprehensible
to Chris. He just wants to have fun and is mystifiedwhenother people
feel betrayedby his broken promises

He disappointsbossesand coworkersaswell asfriends.His high energy

level and intelligencegenerateexpectationsfor superiorjob perfor.
mance.After an initial burst of energy,Chris typically becomesbored
with a project and losesmotivation. His work becomessloppyand
careless.!7hen-a job becomesboring or a bossbeginspr"r*.i.tg him
to get serious,Chris switchesto another one.

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 TUENor So FrNrAnr Or CoprNc

Loversget similar treatment. \il/hen they begin to make demandsfor a

more committed relationship, they find that Chris has moved on. The
women hurt by his "love 'em and leave'em" lifestylefeel usedand
abused.Chris believes,however,that he'sjust operaringunder a dif-
ferent set of rules.He lives accordingto the pleasureprinciple and its
primary goal of maximizingpleasureand minimizing pain.

All of us operateon the pleasureprinciple to a certain extent. \7hen

we'rebom, we'revirtual bundlesof wants and needswithout any sense
of peopleoutsideourselves.As we grow and are socializedbV family
and society,we gain awareness of our responsibilitiesto others.The
psychologicallyhealthy adult leamsto strike a balancebetweenher
needsand the needsof the peoplein her world.

Chris is an adult by virtue of his chronologicalagebut he hasn't devel-

opedpsychologicallyor emotionallybeyonda child of t7. Similar to
PeterPan,he just don'twannagrowup.

Peoplewith ADD often have many childlike qualities.A lifelongsense

of playfulnessand an ability to take risksare delightful qualities.But if
we allow our essentialnature to have free rein, we can begin to resemble
'!7e
Chris. can drift mindlesslythrough life, heedlessof our responsi-
bilities and our impact on other people.

The Space Cadet

It isn't uncommon for ADD adults to saythey are spacey.\Uhen the
mental fog descends, they can becomedisorientedand forgetful.Some
of us,however,settle too comfortablyinto waking dreamstates,be-
coming lifers in the Acadnmyfor SpaceCaABts!

Seanis 37 yearsold and has joined the academy.He is a gentle soul

with a fanciful imagination and a gift for poetry.He spendshis days
daydreaming,writing, and having long philosophicalconversations
with his cronies.Seantakeslittle notice of practicalities.He earns
meagerwagesasa writer but doesn'tworry becausematerial things
are of no consequenceto him.

He doeshis own thing, obliviousto the world aroundhim. \Uhen he

wassingle,his lifestylewasn'ta problem.But now he'smarriedand has

99
 You MrnN I'u Nor L,qzy,SruproOn Cnnzy?l

four children. Sean'swife is exhaustedand at her wit's end trying to

cope single-handedlywith the largefamily. Sean is alwayspleasant
and soft spokenwith his spouseand children. He tries to do wharever
they ask of him-that is, when they manageto caprurehis arrenrion!

Sadly,Seanmakeslittle effiortto rune in to the world around him.

Unlesssomeonedemandshis attention, he'sconrent to spendtime
drifting on his own mental clouds.He never serour to dump all the
responsibilityin his wife's lap but that's effectively what has happened.
He playswith the kids when he wakesup long enough ro norice rhem
but his wife rarely leaveshim alone with them. She'sterrified that the
toddler would poison herselfright under her daddy'slessthan watchful
eye.Seanisn't callouslyallowing his wife to work iik. dog while he
sits and daydreams.He doesn'teuennotice.The varied duties" and details
of family life totally escapehim.

Seanmay not be a manipulativeuserbut he certainly isn't off the hook.

It's okay to retreatto a dreamworld when you have only yourselfto
consider.It's a different story entirely when you're responsiblefor a
family and the welfareof young children. Even though Sean'sADD
can't be cured,he could work harderto shoulderhis responsibilities.
Right now he's too comfortablein the fog that obscuresthings he
shouldworry about.

The Party Animal

The Party Anima|lives for the weekend,enduring the work week that
paysfor her fun. She reluctantlycontrolsher impulsiveand hedonistic
tendenciesenoughto eam a living, but lets them run amok after hours.
Someadultswith ADD don'r even rry ro curb their impulsivity.They
cut loosewheneverthey can, short of getting into big trouble.

You may know Ginny. She is an ADD adult in her late '20'swho works
full time at a secretarialjob sheabsolutelyhates.She doesn'rdo any-
thing about changingher work situation, however,becauseshe thinks
all lobs are probablyequallyboring. At work shespendsasmuch time
asshe can get awaywith, chatting on rhe phone with friends,doing
her nails and dreamingabout winning the lottery.

She wearsa bored expressionand frequenrlyyawnswhen people talk

100
 TUENor So FINEAnr Or CoprNc

to her. She bidesher time, counting off the daysuntil the glorious
TGIF! On Fridays,asthe handson the clock point to 5:00 p.ffi., Ginny
tums into someoneyou wouldn't even recognize.

Her routine follows the samepattem everyweek.First,shehits several

HaPPyHours with a group of partying friends.She getsmore than a
little smashedasshe flirts her way around the room, making only brief
contactswith individual men. After the happy hour, Ginny and her
friendsgo out dancingand usuallyclosethe placedown.

She spendsa good chunk of her paycheckon clothes and most of her
free time on shoppingand scopingout the latest dancesand fads.Des-
pite her talent for tracking current fashions,shehasn't apparentlyheard
about safesex or the joys of sobriety.

Ginny has never had trouble finding other Party Animnls.She has a
great senseof fun and enough energyto get any party off the ground.
Her weekendis an endlessround of sex,drugs,dancing and anything
elsethat seemsto be fun. Lately, however,Ginny has been feeling a
little uneasyabout her lifestyle-one of her friendsrecently testedpos.
itive for the HIV virus. Her partying crowd seemsto be getting younger
and younger.Friendsher own ageare settling down to careergoalsand
families.

Nonstop partying is a lifestylethat beginsto look pathetic asthe years

go by and the expectedsettling down never happens.It isn't only empry
but downright dangerousin this ageof deadlydiseasesand rampant
drug problems.

Ginny may besingrng"The Party'sOver", soonerthan shethinks.. .

Emotional Incontinence
This behaviordoesn'thave anything to do with bodily functions!
Rathet it is rampant,uncontrolledemotionaloutput. As ADDers, we
have a hard time modulatingour erratic moods.Stayingreasonably
calm can be a full time job! Unlesswe want other peopleto write us
off as immature or crazyrwe have to expend the effort.

At 27 yearsold, Jeffhas a seriouscaseof EmononalInconnnence.

He

101
 You MEaNI'u Nor Lnzy.SruproOn Cnezyl!

doesn'tmake any effort to control his extremeups and downs.The

atmospherein his houseis alwaysrhick with the fallour from his latest
mood. His family ridesthe roller coasteralongwith him, cowering
from his rages,sinking into gloom or becominginfectedwith unreason.
able giddiness.The membersof his householdfeel exhaustedand tense.
They depletetheir energyreservesasthey try to cope with his mood-
iness.He has lost more than one job becauseof his temperand is close
to losinghis secondwife, aswell.

Sadly,in socialsituationsbeyondhis home,Jeffdoesn'thave any impact

at all. Other peoplesizehim up quickly and decidenot ro take him
seriously.They view his ragesasthe pathetic tantmms of a young child.
They ignore his great ideasbecausehe alwaysexpresses them in an
embarrassing outpouringof enthusiasm.They ffeat him asa child who
lacksrestraint.Acquaintancespat him on the head asthey quickly
dismisshim.

In Jeff'scase,more is definitely less.Emotional expressionhasgreater

impact asit becomesmore inlsn5g-but only to a point! Dramacan
quickly deteriorateinto melodrama,evoking laughter rather than em.
pathy.Peoplelike Jeffwho don't control their emotional output run
the risk of becomingcaricaturesof themselves.

The Blabber
M"ry is Jeff'scloserelative.She alsohas a bad caseof incontinence
but hers is VerbalInconnnence.Although her official title is "Manager
of Order Processing", her colleagueshave dubbedher TyphoidMary,
RrnnorDistnbutionMannger.They can count on hearing the latest of-
fice dirt from Mary who has assumedresponsibilityfor broadcasting
everyone'sconfidential information.

!7ith her warmth, good listening skills and grandmotherlymanner,60

year old Mary easilymadefriends with coworkers.Her new friends,
however,quickly learnedto keep their distancewhen they discovered
that M"ry talked asmuch asshe listened! Now, everyonefearsthe
effectsof her loosetongue.

She isn't a viciousback-stabber.

She truly caresabout her colleagues
and wantsto lend a listeningear when they have problems.But she

t07
 THr Nor So FrNrAnr Or CoprNc

fails to reflect on the confidentiality of sharedinformation and indis-

criminately and inappropriately distribwesrumors.

The angryreactionsthat greether newscontinually surpriseher. Since

shehasno qualmsabout sharingher own deepestsecrerswith total
strangers,she can't understandwhy others are upsetwhen she shares
their secrets.To Mary the human raceis just one big huppyfamily and
familiesdon't keepsecrersfrom eachorher,do thevf

The Bulldozer
A bulldozeris a well-designed pieceof machinery.In short order,it can
transforman acreof tree-coveredland to a flattened,barren landscape.
In similar fashion,someADDers bulld"oze their way through their li,res,
leavinglittle untouchedor unharmed.This is Richard's,ivl" and it
has left him with an empty life.

Richard'smother sayshe wasborn with a will of iron and a voice that

could shatterglasswith a whisper.From his earliesrdays,he made
ryeryone in the householddanceto rhe tune of his angry cries.
Throughout childhood, he went directly for anything he wanted and
shovedanybodyasidewho gor in his way.Now that he'sa 43 yearold
adult, he seemsruthlessand cold ashe continuesto bulldozehis way
over other people'sfeelings.He is successful
in businessbut lives in a
lonely world. He doesn'tunderstandwhy peopleseemto avoid him.

Richard really doesn'tget it at all. He'sobliviousto rhe impact of his

forceful nature and is honestly puzzledwhen orherskeep him at arm's
length. At h9 pusheshis way through life, he'sawareo.tly of his goals
and takeslittle notice of the peoplehe shovesasidero reachtheir.

Pleaseremember. that the negativesof ADD compriseonly one dimen-

sion of the disorder.ADDers come in an usort*"rrt of packages.There
are differencesin specificsympromsand in the wayseachofirs man-
agesthesedifferences.Many of us do an amazinglywonderful
lob of
coping with symptomsof the ADD we neve. knew we had!
",r".,
Lacking an understandingof their deficits,many ADDers feel com-
pelled to spendinordinaretime and energytrying ro passasnormal.

103
 You MEaNI'rr,r
Nor L,+zv.SruptoOn Cnezv?!

This is a term we've borrowedfrom Afro-American history. With a

long history of discrimination in this country, it isn't surprisingthat
somelighter skinnedBlacksmanagedtheir lives by pretendingthey
werewhite.

In similar fashion,many of us with ADD can passasnormal (whatever

normal means).!7e work hard at hiding our differences.We can iden-
tify with the adultsin this chapterwho have beensomewhatsuccess-
ful in their effortsbut who have paid dearly for fitting in.

We spendow hiuesin fear,

feelinglikeimpostorswhowillbe found"out at anymoment.

A recurring theme throughout the vignettes is the importanceof

squarelyfacing one'sbehaviorsand honestlyevaluatingthem. Many of
us,alongwith the peoplein our lives,have spentlifetimeswondering
why we do the things we do. \7e have never consideredour behaviors
assymptomsand haven't analyzedour coping strategiesasdefense
mechanismsdevelopedto hide inadequacy.Lacking knowledgeabout
the role ADD playsin our lives,we resignourselvesto the "truth" of
the assumptions madeabout us-we are indeedlazy,stupidor crazy!

If a parent or teachersuspecteda problem,sheusuallyattributedit to

poor motivation or a dysfunctionalfamily.Even when a diagnosisof
hyperactivitywasmadein childhood, the prescriptionwasfor Ritalin
and patience."Thke this pill twice a day,Monday through Fridayduring
the schoolyear,and wait until you outgrowyour hyperactivity in adoles-
cence."Someof us have beenwaiting a very long time for this mirac-
ulouschangeto occur!

The fact is, many of our readershave never been evaluatedat all.
Although there isn't anything magicalabout a diagnosis,it is a vital,
initial stepin changingfaulty self-perceptions.Even if you feel fairly
certain that you have ADD, you owe it to yourself
to have a complete
evaluation.

In the next chapterwe'll look at the processof a diagnosticevaluation

and shareinformation that can help you make somedecisionsabout
accessingthis help. As you may guess,the diagnosticevaluationof

104
 Tur Nor So FINEAnr Or CoprNc

ADD adultsis lesswell definedthan that of children. So, you'll need

to proceedwith caution in finding the professionalyou'll work with in
this important part of your recovery.

105
 Crteprgn 6

I KNOW...I
THINK...IHAUEADD
WHATDOI DONOW?
Tn. diagnosisand treatmentof a gardenvariety illnessis fairly straight-
forward. A throat culture uncoversa strep infection and the patient
takesa round of antibiotics and goeson his way.A few dayslater he
feelsgreat.He has come to expectthat powerfulantibioticswill quickly
and easilyfix his illness.He viewshis medicalcareasa relatively simple
process:

Symptom s-me dicaI tests-diagno sis- treatment-C URE J

The processof uncoveringADD is considerablymore complicated.

Often, the processnever even beginsbecausethe symptomsare behav-
ioral, not physical.Many peopleview behaviorasthe cause, not the
symptom of disorder.It usuallygoessomethinglike this:

Behavior s-f aulty asswnpnons-blnme-pwti shment-

POOR PROGNOSISJ

For many,if not most of us,the initial discoveryof ADD doesn'tcome

from a professional.It comesfrom readingan ADDer's life story that
could be our autobiography.It comesfrom talking with a friend whose
descriptionof his ADD soundsremarkablysimilar to our own behaviors.
It comeswhen our children, who are "chips off the old block", are
diagnosedwith ADD.

Adults in supportgroupstalk of learning about their ADD in all these

ways.Most of theseadultssaythey waited a while beforeseekingpro-
fessionalhelp to confirm their self-diagnoses.
They usedthis time to

106
 I KNow...lTurN<...IHevpADD-WHnI Do I Do Now?

readaboutADD and to examinetheir lives to seeif the information

fit their experiences.
Unable to find much informarion aboutADD in
adults,many resortedto readingthe predominantlychild oriented
literature.

Your Job as a Mental Health Consumer

If you are beginning a similar processof self-discoveryyour first respon-
sibiliry is to thoroughlyeducateyourselfabout this disorder.Part of vl,r,
self-educationshould include leaming about the professionalresources
in your community. lfhen you're readyto proceedwith an evaluation,
you shouldn't yory firys9rtdDtlv walkingthloughthe yellow pagesof
4t
the phone book to find the servi."r yor'rlllneedl
'We
recommendthat you conracrthe nearestchapterof an ADD sup-
Pgrt group.The gloyp can give you a list of ADD informed profession-
als in your area.Make surethat you askfor namesof professionals who
are competentin diagnosingand treating adults.Also askyour local
organizationto put you in touch with other ADD adultswho can tell
you about their experienceswith professionals on the referrallist. You
may be fortunate to locate an ADD adult supportgroup that can be an
invaluable,informal referralnetwork. For help in locating a group in
your area,referto the resourcelist in the appendix.

Rememberthat you are the customerand a consumerof mental health

services.To be an informed consumer,you need to do your homework
beforeyou make ygul first appointment. You need to proceedcarefully
becausemany good therapistshave little knowledg. ADD.
"to.rt
\fhen you.first meer with the mental health professionalyou have
chosen,askasmany questionsasyou want. Ifyou aren't comfortable
with him after your initial meeting,don't hesitatero go on to the next
professionalon your list. Your mental health is too important to entrust
to someoneyou don't think understandsyour issues.

After the evaluationis completed,be sureto requesta follow-up ap-

pointment to discussthe resultsof your testing.If you don'r speiifically
ask,the professionalmay just senda highly t".h.ti."l report ro you or
your psychiatrist.

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 You MEnNI'u Nor Lezv,Sruproon Cnazv?!

Psychologist or Psychiatrist What's the Difference?

If you have had limited experiencewith the mental health profession,
you may find a confusingarrayof titles:
Ph.D.,Psy.D.,Ed.D.,M.D.
Clinical Psychologist,
Neuropsychologist, Psychologist,Educational
Neurologist,
Cognitive Psychologist,
Psychologist, Psychiatrist

It really isn't quite asconfusingas it appears!But a brief clarification

of the role of thesevariousprofessionals may be in order.The specialties
fall into two broad categories: psyEhologistsand physicians.Although
somephysicians(psychiatrists) have expertisein testing,the diagnostic
evaluationis usuallydone by u psychologist.This professionalwill be
from the field of Clinical Psychology,Neuropsychology,Educational
or Cognitive Psychology.A neurologistwho is a medical doctor, solrle-
times doesthe evaluation.A neurologicalevaluation,however,is us-
ually unnecessary exceptin casesof a seizuredisorderor other specific
neurologicalproblems.

After the diagnosis,your mental health professionalwill make recom-

mendationsabout treatment options and may refer you to someone
else.You can chooseany ADD informed professionalfor subsequent
non-medicaltreatmentbut you must consultwith a psychiatrist(Mn1
for drug treatment.The psychiatristwill prescribeand monitor medi-
cation in concertwith your psychologistor aspart of his own overall
treatmentplan for you.

The Diagnostic Evaluation

Parentssometimesaskhow they shouldpreparetheir children for the
medicalteststhat will be part of the diagnosticprocess-the blood
testsand brain scans.This is a reasonablequestionsincethesetesting
proceduresare often part of a medicaldiagnosis.Although blood tests
aren't included,extensiveneurologicalwork-upsare sometimesused
with ADD children. In general,this won't be included in the diag-
nostic evaluationof a suspectedattention deficit disorderin an adult.

If you haven't gone through the evaluationprocessyet, you may alsobe

wonderingwhat to expectduring the testing.After all, the very thought
of testsmav strike terror in vour heart!

108
 I KNow...lTHrr.rx...l
HnvpADD-WHnI Do I Do Now?

. v 2 rv2
r' I

t \
o a
(J

Tests-aren't thosethe thingswe alwaysfailedlt

Well, you may "fail" someof thesetoo, but that'sokay.The testswill

be usedfor the right reasons-for knowledgeand discoveryof your
strengthsand weaknesses. You won't have to cram for thesetestsand
we can't even tell you exactlywhich onesto expect.Eachpsychologist
usesa slightly differentbatteryof testsfrom a number of available
choices.Your psychologistwill evaluatethe resultsof theseteststo
confirm what he has leamed from the history of your problemsand his
observationsof your behavior.

The psychologistusesthe test resultsin much the sameway your physi-

cian usesa chestX-ray to confirm his diagnosisof your pneumonia.
Although your physicalexaminationand reportedcomplaintsmay
stronglysuggestpneumonia,your doctor reduceshis margin of error by
confirming his diagnosiswith the X.ray.

109
 You MrnN I'rrrNor Lezy.Sruproon Cnazy?!

Since there are no lab testsavailableto confirm the ADD diagnosis,

mental health professionals often rely on educationaland psychological
testing.They provide a more unbiased,objectivemethod of diagnosis
than observationand history alone.

Understanding Your Diagnosis

Your follow-up appointmentshouldbe a detailed,fact-findingmission.
You should ask questionsabout why certain testswere used,what they
measuredand how you comparedwith the normal rangefor a particular
test.\Uhen your psychologistexplainsyour results,askfor clarification
if he usestermsyou don't understand.

No two ADD peopleare alike. You shoulduseyour follow-up meeting

to leam asmuch asyou can about your unique neuropsychological
profile. If you leave this meeting armedonly with your checklist of
deficits,you'll have only half the information you need.You must also
have a clear understandingof your unique strengthsand the positive
compensatorystrategiesyou alreadyuse.

You can't expectto leavethis meetingwith all the tools you'll need to
manageyour ADD. You can expect to leavewith specificinformation
about your individual strengthsand weaknesses and a frameworkof
treatmentoptions.

After the Diagnosis-Your Role in Tireatment

The homework you did in locating your mental health professional
will pay dividendsasyou begin treatment.You must becomean active
participant in your treatment,working with your physicianor psychol-
ogist to problem-solve.Since information about adult ADD is limited,
a flexible, experimentalapproachto treatment is usuallynecessary.

If you'regoing to usemedicinein your treatment,it's essentialthat

you establisha partnershipwith your physician.Finding the right medi-
cation and dosageis generallya trial and error process.There isn't any
magicformula the physiciancan useto determinein advancethe medi-
cine that will work bestfor you.

If your mental health professionalbecomesdefensiveor patsyou on

'We've
the headwhen you askquestionsor offer ideas,find a new one!
been contactedbv adultswho can't find informed professionalsin

110
 I KNow...lTnrNr...lHnvr ADD-\UHaIDo I Do Now?

their areas.should you find in a similar situation,you may

_yourself
have to seekour someonewho is willing to leam!

The Practical side of Evaluation and Treatment-

What's it Going to Costl
This discussionwouldn't be completewithout a word about cost.The
testingprocessis time consumingand can rapidly run up a largebill-
the fee for psychologicaltesting."n rurrgefrom $+OOto$1500. Before
committing to testingor treatment,askabout approximatecostsand
waysto cut cornersif you are uninsuredor on a tight budget.you may
be able to work out a paymentschedulein advan.. if the b"illfor testing
is too largeto pay at one time.

Carefullyscrutinizeyour insurancepolicy.Somedon't cover or only

partially cover psychologicalservices.SomespecificallyexcludeADD
from coverage.\7e don't want to discourageyou from s.eking a diag-
nosisand treatment. You are worth the price even if it melr,r ,kip-
ping your summervacation this year.\fe just want you to be prepared
so you can plan and avoid rude financial shocks.

In a later sectionyelll talk specificallyaboutvariousrreatmentoptions

for ADD adults.Although professionalhelp will likely be an important
part of your treatment,we want to focuspiimarily on self-helpwhich
is the guiding principle of this book. \7e firmly beiievethat you areca-
pableof helping yourselfand we want to help you leam how to do it.

Getting Down To Work

Okay, so you know, or feel fairly certain that an Attention Deficit
Disorderis at the root of your problems.you know you werebom with
the deficits and grew up with them. You know you're different from
someonewithout ADD. You know you've learnedvarious notsogreat
wavsof copingwith them.so ryHAr Do you Do No\r t

\7ltq, you do now is take a deepbreath, find sometime for yourself

and look squarelyar y_ourADD. It is inseparablefrom who you are.
W.lrat you do now is decide that you are worth all the work it will
take to recover.

111
 You MenNI't',tNor Ll'zv, Sruptoon Cnnzv?!

,'

Recover: 1. a)togetback(something
lost,stolen,
etc.)
(health,
b)to regain etc.)
consciousness,
for;makeupfor(torecover
2. to compensate losses)
3. a)to get(oneself)
backtoa stateofcontrol, composure,
balance, etc.
b)tocatchorsave(oneself)from offeeling,
betrayal
a slip,stumble, etc.

SimonandShuster,1980
of theAmericanlangrage,
Neu.,WorldDictionary

getbackconwoludbalance, saqJe
To regain, compensate, oneself-this is
what you do now. The remainder of this book is about this processof
recovery.\7e'11move from the theoretical to the practical and offer
specificguidelinesand suggestionsthat can make recoverypossible.
'SUe
can't emphasizeenough that recoveryis a processthat requiresa
lot of work. It isn't somethingthat will magicallyhappenafter you
read this book. You must commit yourselfto believing that you are
worth all the work it will take to recover.

tn
 I KNow...lTunr...l HnvEADD-\fHnr Do I Do Now?

If you'restill reading,we can assumethat you'vemadethis important

commitment to yourself.You won't be sorry.You have so muctr,to offer
and so many talentsto discover!Let'sget startedand take a look at
someimportant issuesyou'll need to consider.

ADD is inseparablefrom who you are. We made rhis observarionat

the outsetbut what doesit really mean?ADD is an acronymfor Atten-
tion Deficit Disorder.Deficit...?Disorder...?
If ADD is inseparable
from
*h-toyou are,doesthis mean that disabilityis your only dimensionl
Absolutelynot!

Your differencesare-onlyone part of you. If socieryhas leamedanything

from the effortsof the physicallydisabledto gain equal access,it;s thal
we are all peoplefirst. If more rime and energywere spent developing
the unique abilitiesof all people,we would have a more productive
society.

As you learn to help yourself,you must never focusmore on your dis-

abilitiesthan the total personyou are.It's a mistake,however,ro to-
tally ignore your differences.The tricky thing for ADD adults is that
maLy oj us grgw up never knowing we had a disability.ADD is insep-
arablefrom who we are becausewe forgedour sensesof self arotrndit,
never knowing it wasthere. Most of us haven't grown up with the
benefit of knowing we had a handicap.\7e grew up thinking we just
weren't assmart,competentor valuableasother people.

Now that you know you have ADD, it should be easyto make a recipe
to rum out a grearperson,right?\7e11,it doesn'tquite work that way.
You may know intellectuallythat you have ADD. Grapplingwith that
knowledgeon an emotional level, however,is a very different and
difficult proposition:

It is o task of truly accepting thnt you (nen't perfect.

You mus! ray good-byeto your old self-image,whareverthat may have

been and admit that your problemswon'r go awayby changingyour
job, your friends or your spouse.The vaguefeeling you've alwiys had
that somethingwaswrong has been confirmed and given a name. What
a scaryplace to be-in adulthood, trying to figure out who you'll be

rt3
 You MpnNI'v Nor Lnzv.Sruprnon Cnnzv?!

when you grow up.

Your newly acquiredself-knowledgemay be scarybut it's alsoliberating.

It offersa wonderful opportunity to take control of your life by looking
squarelyat your limits and growing beyondthem. This requirescourage
and time. It requiresworking through a processof self-acceptance that
beginswith grieving.

\fhen a loved one dieswe can't move on with our lives until we have
grievedand moved through the stagesof shock, anger,denial, bargain-
ing and depression.Similarly, when we lose a part of our psychological
selvesincluding an alterationin our self-concept,we must grievethe
lost senseof self beforewe can work on building a new one. You may
not have thought of your ADD in this way,but:

Qrieving has to be the beginning of your self-discaeery.

Let'stake a look at how the processworks.You may alreadyhave moved

through someof the stages.It never hurts, however,to regroupand
rethink your progresssincerecoveryis an ongoingprocess.

Grief-The Shock of Recognition

The diagnosisis often both a punch in the stomach
'We and a
vindication
of yearsof struggleand feelingsof inadequacy. knew something
waswrong and now we have the test resultsto prove it. We don't have
to feel like impostorsanymore,living in fear of being found out. \What
a reliefl
'20's,my
KK: "When I went through psychotherapyin my constant
theme was that I felt I
different. alwaysstruggledwith comparing my-
self to other people,unableto figure out how they could so easilyman-
agethe things I sweatedover. I wonderedif they had somesecretto
which I wasn'tprivy or if they managedto accomplisha lot at the ex-
penseof their families.

Since I couldn't go to collegeand do much of anything elseat the

sametime, I assumedthat being a studentmeant giving up everything
outsideschool.I didn't know that it wasjust easierfor other people.
I assumedthat I wastoo self-indulgentto acceptthe challenges.

r1,4
 I KNow...lTHrNr...lHnvEADD-'ilUunrDo I Do Now?

\7hen I wasdiagnosedwith ADD, the relief wasenormous-l was

finally able to make senseof my struggles.Having ADD meanr that I
wasn'tbad, lazy,unmotivatedor stubborn.It meant that I could look
at my life through different colored lenses.I could stop filtering my ac-
complishmentsthrough the expectationsI basedon comparisonsto
others.I beganto marvel at all I had managedto do in spite of a sig-
nificant disability.

The mid-life crisisI had beenworking on resolveditself when I sheda

positive light on the life I had lived ,rp to that point. Although I had
gainedpositiveself-esteem asa resultof psychotherapy, it wasnothing
comparedto the boost of my changing view of myselfas a heroically
strugglingadult.

I beganto feel lessapologeticfor my shortcomingsand more deserving

of help and understanding.Accompanying the relief wasthe hope that
I could be fixed now that I finally understoodthe basisfor my problems."

PR: "l alwaysstruggledsilently with my deficits.Neither my gradesin

school nor any of my relationshipsever sufferedoutwardly.The only
personwho knew I wasa failure wasme. It wasan incredibleburden.

The peoplein my life didn't destroyme. I destroyedmyselfwith inrense

feelingsof inadequacy.Perhapsthe worst period in my life waswhen
my little brother died. I was 14 yearsold and into driving my parenrs
crazywith my adolescentstuff. Rogerhit a tree when he wassledding
and died the next moming. He wasonly 10 yearsold and indisputably
the perfect child in my family. He wasso perfect. I wasso imperfect.
And he had to die! I knew that it shouldhave beenme.

No one ever knew how I felt. To this day,my parenrsdon't know how
I agonizedover screwingthis one up by not being rhe one who died.
Leaming at 39 that I had ADD didn't miraculouslyfree me from my
impairedsenseof seli but it offereda peaceI had never known before.
It wasa relief to know, at leastin my intellectualself,that my feelings
had a basis.My strugglescamefrom deficitsover which I had no control.
The diagnosisalone didn't undo yearsof silent pain bur gaveme a
reality I could useto work on readjustingmy self-image.

115
 You MEaNI'v Nor Lnzy.Sruprpon Cnnzy?!

I wish my brother hadn't died but I've been ableto alter my perspectives
of his life and mine. Neither of us had more value than the other. His
death just happenedand I finally believethat it's okay that it wasn't
me instead."
Grief: Anger-"Why Me?"
The initial smgeof relief and euphoriaoften givesway ro a period of
anger.The diagnosisthat freesus from faulty assumptionsbeginsto
feel like an unbearableburden. Factsdon't lie. We are imperfect and it
just isn't fair!

"Why me?Why did I haueto be born thisway?"

"Why did everyone-parents, teachers, therapists-blamemy
lackof motiuationor poorcharacter?"
dfficultieson depression,
"WhJ didn't somebody
believein me?"
"WhJ did ewerybody theworst-that I just wasn'ttrying
&ssLlme
hardenough?"
"Why was I misunderstood
and reprimandedwhenI was uying
my lteartout?"
"Why did all thosementalheahhprofessionals pretendto know more
tlwn theyreallydid? "
'We
may feel furious at the people in our lives who failed to recognize
'We
our deficits. understandthat no one knew much about ADD ten
or twenty yearsago.But somehow,we still feel that if only our parents
had loved and respectedus enough,they would have figuredit out.
They should have known our problemswere real. \7e often begin to
feel helplessand victimized.

Grief: Denial-Not Me!

RememberDonna?She struggleswith her inability to move beyond
the intellectunlknowledgeof her ADD to the emotionelknowledge.It's
not that sherejectsthe reality of her disorder.She simply deniesits
impact on her life.

Denial can take severalforms.After an initial senseof anger,we

might decideto reject the diagnosis,wonderingwhy we ever wasted
our money on the evaluation.\7e might, asDonna does,announceto

rt6
 I KNow...lTurNx...lHnvr ADD-!7unr Do I Do Now?

friends that we have ADD but then not seektreatment. \7e might
pick up our prescriptionfor Ritalin but never useit. \7e might take
the medication with the mistakenbelief that we have found the cure
for our problems.We move into this new phaseof our lives with rosy
fantasiesof how with the help of our local pharmacyrwe can conquer
the world.

Regardless of the brand of denial we chooseduring this stage,we aren't

dealingyet with the reality of our ADD. We needtime to processour
new knowledgeand confront ourselveswith our weaknesses. At this
early stagein the processof recovery we don't recognizethe facere-
flecting back to us in the mirror:

"Th.atisn'tthe personI usedto be,

andl'm not readyto figne out who it reallyis."

/ '
z
,/', , / ,'
 You MrnN I'u Nor Lnzy.Sruproon Cnnzy?!

Bargaining-It Can All Be Fixed

As we begin to makesenseof everything,we bargainwith God or fate
to forestallfacing the inescapablefact of our disorder.The deal goes
somethinglike this: "lf I'm really good,you'll give me back what
I've lost."

For many ADD adults the bargainingis around medication that often
bringsat leastinitially dramatic,positivechanges.A whole world
opensup asthe medication helps us emergefrom lifelong fogt. Sights
and soundsthat had previouslydrifted by our consciousawarenessare
noticed for the first time. \7e are better organizedand focused.\7e feel
energizedwith a new senseof purposeand feel calmer and happier.
This new tool is a greatbargainingchip.
'We
promiseourselvesto work diligently at pursuingthe right doseof
medication.When we find it, we know that our symptomswill go
away.We'll be able to take responsibilityfor our behaviorsand be like
everybodyelse.

This strategyworks for a while until awarenessgrowsthat maybethis

isn't the answerto our problems.Our improvedability to pay attention
makesus increasinglyawareof our mistakes.\7e grudginglyacknow-
ledgethat our medicinehasn't curedthem. It doesn'tmakeus normal
even though we promisedto do everythingright if only the Ritalin
would fix us. We begin to notice the drug'suneven symptomcontrol
over the courseof the day and our decreasedfunctioning when the
drug is at a low level.

Our diagnosisvindicatesus from the invalid assumptions peoplehave

madeabout us.\Ue'vespentour angerrailing about the injusticeand
have taken a steptowardsdealingwith our symptoms.But we aren't
fixed. Our bargainingdoesn'twork but we'restill not readyto own our
disorder.We still aren't ready to accept that we'll struggle with
ADD for the rest of our lives.

Reality Sinks In-Depression

Our diagnosisis supposedto free,not imprisonus.But that'soften
what happensat somepoint in our grief process.As adults,we resent
having to relive the identity crisisof adolescence.
We may not have

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 I KNow...lTutNx...lHnvr ADD-Wunr Do I Do Now?

beendoing greatbeforebut at leastwe thought we knew who we were.

At this point depressionoften setsin. For someADD adultsit retums
periodically,threateningto undermineprogress.

?c

KK: "When depressionset in, it wascompoundedby the growing

certainty that my daughteralsohad ADD. I mixed us up in my mind
during that time. Tyrell wasmy bright hope for the future. I put a lot
of energyinto carefullynurturing her self-esteem so shewouldn't have
to go through what I did asa child. When I realizedthat ADD wasat
the root of many of my problems,I wasfrightened for my daughter.

In my stateof gloom,I beganto think that shewasdoomedasI was.If

this problemwasinherited and biological,there wasno escape.I ago-
nizedover Tyrell'sfate and my own. I ruminatedabout all the things I
couldn't do and all the times I had failed. I relived eachpainful and

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 You MraN I'v Nor Lazy,Sruproon Cnazy?l

humiliating experiencefrom my past.My positiveattributesand accom.

plishmentsceasedto exisr.There wasrhe triple whammyof feeling
helplessasa parent,generallyincompetentand without hope for tle
future. I saidgood-byero many of my dreams,both the realisticand
the unrealisticones.

This stagewasmarked by extremefragility. I constantly burst into

tearsand innocent remarksset me off. I laughat it now but just hearing
the word "memory"would bring tearsto my eyesbecauseit reminded
me of my deficits. I sat in church every Sundaytrying to hide the tears
streamingdown my face."

PR: "The relief I felt after my diagnosiswasshort-lived.In the months

that followed,it wasreplacedwith an assortmenrof conflicring feel-
ings.Depressionwasone of them. It wasa placeI had frequentlyvisited
during my life. This rime, however,there wasno vagueness about my
feelingsof gloom.

I had often lived under a cloud of helplessness

and hopelessness.
The
discoveryof my ADD, however,broughrmy negativefeelingscrashing
down aroundme. I had previouslybeen able to pull myselfout of my
black fogsby reasoningthat things really weren'rthat bad. My diag-
nosisbrought this reasoningro a crashinghalt. Things really were
that bad! I would never be okay.

I alreadyknew that my rhen 8 year old son would never be okay.I

vividly recall the moment two yearsearlierwhen my fantasiesabout
R. Jeremyabruptlyended.I sat in the psychologist's office,mentally
checkingoff all the things he would never be able to do. Four months
pregnantwith a babygirl conceivedafter severalyearsof infertility
treatments,I felt gut-wrenchingrerror for both my children.

Remembermy brother Roger?\7ell, I had given my son his name and

I had an intense,frighteningfeelingof deia vu.'What awful cursehad
I visited on my son?\7ould he alsocome ro someterrible end?

Depressionset in with a vengeance.I had previouslyresolvedmy issues

aroundJeremy'sdeficitsand had acceptedhis imperfections.But here
it wasagain-that damnedADD. This time it wasmine. My feelings

n0
 I KNow...lTHrNr...lHevr ADD-WHaI Do I Do Now?

and fearsabout both my son and myselfconvergedinto somepretty

self-destructivethoughts.Just when I wasgetting a handle on his
problems,I wasfacedwith the reality of my own.

It wasn'teasyto move beyondmy depression. It didn't happenover-

night. But I did it. With persistenceand a senseof humor, I climbed
out of my deep,black hole again.I decidedI didn't like it in there-it
wastoo dark and I'm into bright, open spaces!I figuredthat with my
family of four, I was2 down, with 2 to go.I did it twice and if I had to, I
could do it again."

Out of the Depths-ACCEPTANCE!

If you keepworking on the grief process,you will come to a new and
better place in your life. The stagesyou will go through are often dif-
ficult and painful but they're essential. \Uhen the going getsrough,
don't get discouraged. Visualizewhereyou'regoing-to a placewhere
you will discoverand learn to useyour valuablegifts.

PR: "One day last summera terrible thunderstormrocked our house

and terrified my 4 yearold daughter.\Uhen it finally ended there was
an incredibly beautiful double rainbow stretchingacrossthe sky.Alison
wasdumbstruckbecauseshe had never seena rainbow.After watching
it a while, she announcedthat shehoped we'd have another bad storm
soonso shecould seeanotherrainbow.Her feardisappeared, replaced
with her child'soptimism.

I've thought often about that storm sinceAlison comfortedherself

with the wonderof the resultantrainbows.It may be a cliche but my
joumey through my own personalstorm has taught me to believe in
the gold at the end of rainbow.It's there. It's real. It's within my grasp.

I know that I'11probably alwayshave more stormsthan rainbowsbut

that goeswith the territory.I know that my joumey will be an uphill
strugglebut the rewardsare worth *y efforts.I acceptmy son and
'We're
myselfaswe are. all we've got, so we'd better make the most of
our lives.Those complexand beautifulrainbowssymbolizedlimitless
possibilities.And so do we, my son and I."

KK: "l don't rememberexactlywhen the depressionbeganto lift. I

u
 YouMEeuI'v Nor Lezy.Srupro
onCnnzy?!

know one sign of my emergencefrom gloom and doom wasregaining

the abiliry to laugh at myself.I joked about starring a new kind of AA
group for people like me. I would call it Airheals Anonymous.

Understandingthat I wasn'tto blamefor the way I was,relievedme

of the guilt I had lived with for so long. I wasa valuablepersonwith a
disability. I had deficits but they no longer defined who I was.Th"y
took their rightful placeasone dimensionof a multi-dimensional
person.I beganto feel more confident about my parenting skills and
becamelessanxiousabout my daughter'sfuture. I reasonedthat if I
could make it without any help during my childhood, Tyretl could do
even better with support.

Coming to terms with my ADD meanr spendingfar lesstime and en.

ergyhiding my deficits.I concentratedon understandingrhem without
being consumedbv them. I wasfinally free to take chargeof my life
and realisticallyassess
ir.

The months that followed were exciting and productive as I evaluated

variouscareeroptions.It becameclear that I had a gift for writing and
an ability to understandand connectwith people. I wasalreadyusing
my peopleskills in my teaching and nursing but realizedthat many of
the routine detailsof my work werepainfully difficult for me. I decided
to usemy risk-takingability to embarkon a new venrure,althSughit
wasn'treadilyapparentwhat it would be!

I had been intenselyinterestedin ADD sincemy diagnosisand wanted

to specializein it in someway.I just didn't know what direction to
take. I liked the flexibility of teaching and enjoyedmenroring students
but sensedthat perhapsthis wasn'tquite the right niche. I wrestled
with the issueof securityvs. optimally usingmy interestsand talents.
With my newfound senseof inner strength, I wassurethat I would
eventually find what I waslooking for.

!7hen the answercame,everythingfell in to place.I decidedro write

this book and askedP.ggy to join me in this venrure.The project had
my name on itl I knew there were millions of peoplesffugglingwith
ADD and that there waslimited help availablefor them. This book
would be the perfect work choice for me.

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 I KNow...lTHrNr...lHavpADD-Wunr Do I Do Now?

I had impeccablecredentials-who could know ADD better than

someonewho lived with it? I could usemy experiences, variedback-
groundin educationand mental health and my peopleand writing
skills to work at somethingin which I wasintenselyinterested.What
a perfectjob!

Life still has its upsand downsbut I feel that I'm living it more fully
now than I ever could have beforethis journey.Insteadof hiding my
weaknesses or working at things that are wrong for me, I can now
celebratemy gifts."

In the remaining chaptersof this book, we will offer a frameworkyou

can useto maximizeyour abilitiesand minimizeyour disabilities.The
'We
focuswill be on what you can do rather than what you can't do.
want to help you discoveryour hidden strengthsand talents and cele-
brate the personyou are.
'!7e
We don't presumeto have all the answers. can, however,help you
formulate the questionsyou need to ask asyou take responsibilityfor
your recovery.We shareyour pain and your hope becausewe are strug-
gling alongsideyou.

As you continue on your personaljourney of recovery,considerthe

following quote by Cathy Better of Reistertown,Maryland. It appeared
in the Commwtity Timesnewspaperand is an empoweringaffirmation
of the possibilitiesavailableto you with hard work and a deepcom-
mitment to yourself.

Eachday that we awakeis a new start, anotherclwnce.

Why wasteit on self-pity,slothand selfishnessl
RoIIthnt dny arowrd on yo1,4r tongue,relishthe tasteof itsfreedom.
Breathedeeplyof the morningair, savorthefragranceof opportunity.
Rwt your handsalongthe spineof thoseprecious24 hows
andfeel the suengthin the sinewutd bone.
Life is raw material.We are artisans.
Vle can sculptour enstenceinto somethingbeautiful,
or debaseit into ugliness.
It's in our hands.

17.3
 Cnapren 7
rr-

AboutBalance,Toyofasl
Porsches
CircusHighWires,andtheTwelve
Stepsof Alcoholics
Anonymous
Dia we get your attention?Are you wondering about the connecrion
betweenbalance,cars,high wire acrs,AA, ADD and recovery?lfell,
there is a connection and it's an important place to start learning how
to effectively manageyour ADD.

Balancemay be somethingyou only think about at the end of the

month when your bank shtement comes.One of life'slittle joys is a
balancedcheckbook.This doesn'rhappen nearly often enough.How
many times do you decidethat it isn't worth trying to figureout rhe dis.
crepancy-that it's easierto acceptthe balanceyour bank saysyou have?

"The ADDer's Precarious High Wire Act"

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 Aeour BaI-nNcE,ToyorAS, PoRscurs, CtRcus HrcH \7rRrs,
ANn THe Twr,r-vn Sreps Or AlcoHolrcs ANoNyl,rous
As ADDers, achievingbalancein our lives is critical and considerably
more difficult to achievethan balancein our checkbooks.What is
balance?It's a generalconcept,similarto freedomor success,that each
of us definesindividually.Let'sfind out how balanceissueshave an
impact on the lives of ADD adults.

Warning-It's Very Easy for an ADDer to Lose Her Balance!

ADD folk have nervoussystemsthat are erratic and poorly regulated.
Rapid thoughtsand an excitablenature are at oddswith a central ner-
voussystemthat can't handle too much input. The paradoxis of an
enthusiastic,creativeand impulsiveADD adult who is often driven to
get involved in more than shecan handle.Sincehaving ADD means
that her basicnature is at war with itsell her life can indeedbe a High
Wire Act!

Achievement and Less Tangible Goals: There are many waysfor an

ADDer to losethe balancein her life. The delicatebalancebetween
achievementand other, lesstangiblegoalsis a critical balancingact.
Thesedaysit seemsthat many feople feel they live on fast-moving
treadmillsthat lack off switches.Careerseat up family time and esca-
lating demandscreatepressurecookerenvironments.

Unlike peoplewho react to this pressurewith mild stresssymptoms,

ADDers can fall apartcompletely.Of coursethis is often a first, essen-
tial steptowardrecovery.Falling apartcan be the equivalentof an
alcoholichitting "rock bottom". For somealcoholics,rock bottom is
getting a DUI citation. For others,it is a string of DUI's, a divorce,
unemploymentand hitting skid row. As awful asrock bottom may seem
at the time for an alcoholic or an ADDer, it's often the startingpoint
for a new and better life. It beginsthe recoveryprocessbecauseits
awfulnessforcesthe personto make somechanges.

Structure and Freedom: To keep ourselvesfrom falling off our high

wire, many of us alsoneed a properbalanceof structureand freedom.
We ADDers often balk at the structurewe desperately need.A ten-
dencyto becomeeasilyover-stimulatedmeansthat chaotic lifestyles
can get us into trouble.On the other hand, lives routinizedinto dull-
nessby too much regimentationdon't provide sufficientchallenge.

n5
 You MrnN I'v Nor Lnzy,SruproOn Cnnzy?!

'!7e
know that an ADD child needsextemally imposedstructurero
thrive. \7hen shebecomesan adult, shecontinuesto need limits but
has to provide them for herself.Adults are expectedto managetheir
own lives.The challengeis to establisha balancethat offersorderwith-
out stifling creativity,one of many ADD adulm'bestattributes.

Ways of ThinH.g, Activity Levels, Emotions and Needs: ADD

brainsand nervoussystemsare often out of balancewith behavior
swingingrapidly from one extreme to rhe other. An ADDer tends ro
excesses, alternatingbetweenboutsof workaholismand sluggishinac-
tivity. Her moodsswing up and down and her performanceis erratic.
The following list outlinessomeof thesebalanceissuesthat can cause
you to loseyour footing on the high wire:

Work vs. Play

Do you tend to get over-involved in one or the other and have
trouble shifting gears?

Your Needs vs. Others'

Are you obliviousto the feelingsand points of view of othersor do
you alwaysput yourselfdeadlast?

Over vs. LJnderstimulation !:

What is your optimal level of srress,noise,work and challenges?

Hyperactivity vs. Hypoactivity

Are you so active that you drive others crazyor do you vegetate
most of the time?This includessleepand restpattemsaswell as
daily activity levels.

Detailed vs. Global Thinkittg

Do you get caughtup in too much detail unableto seethe forest
for the trees,or do you tend to focuson the gestaltor whole
picture?If you focuson big picrures,do you have troublekeeping
track of details?

Depression vs. Euphoria

Are your moodsout of balancewith too much sadness
or excessive
happiness?Do you swingbetweentheserwo extremes?

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 Aeour BalnNcE, ToyorAS, Ponscues, Ctncus HtcH'WtnEs,
ANo TnE TwEr-vp SrEps Op Ar-coHot-rcs ANoNvvrous

The Value of Examining Balance Issues

It's easyfor your balancein eachof theseareasto becomeskewedin

either direction at differenttimes.Altemately, you may find yourself
regularlyswingingerraticallyfrom one extremeto the other. The point
of examiningeachof theseareasis that imbalancein any of them can
causeproblemsfor your mental health or family life.

\Uhat's the connectionwe mentionedbetweenbalance,Tovotasand

Porsches? In somerespects,the ADD adult is designedlike a Porsche.
She is spirited,dynamic,powerful,exciting and readyto go with the
rapid accelerationof an expensivesportscar.Her non-ADD peersare
more like the family Toyota.Equallywell engineered,this Toyotahas
a more "even temperament."It is designedfor comfort, reliability and
fuel efficiency.If the ADD adult is to maintain and maximizethe high
performanceof her Porsche,shehas to take especiallygood careof
herself.
2
One of the bestwaysyou can do this is to work on achievingbalance
in your life. Having a well-balancedlifestyleis akin to taking good
careof your car.It subjectsthe systemto lesswearand tear.To usethe
metaphoragain,working on balanceis similar to continually tinkering
with and tuning up your car.If you want to keepyour whole systemin
working order,you'll have to make on-goingadjustments.

With limitations they can't ignore,ADDers who recovermay well

lead the rest of societyto a sanerway of life. Competenceand levelsof
achievementhave becomethe societalstandardthat measures a per-
son'sworth and success in life. Thosewho are "unproductive"due to
age,health, or disabilityhave beendevaluedbecausethey don't "mea-
sureup". Societyno longervalueschildren or the agedas it previously
did. A shockingnumber of children sink into poverty while stressed
caregiversabusemany seniorcitizens.

This philosophizingisn't just the wanderingof creativeminds but re-

latesdirectly to achievingbalancedlives.You have a unique opporru-
nity to redesignyour success model and get off the ctazytreadmill
everyoneelseis on.

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 You MreN I'v Nor Lazy.SruproOn Cnazy?!

If you pay attention to the messages of your body and soul,you'll realize
that you can't be all or do it all. If you work at your recovery,you can
useyour new self-knowledgeto designa life that really worksfor you.
You can be at peacewith yourselfand your environmentwhile the rest
of the world skyrocketsout of control.
'We've
alreadytalked about the connectionbetweenbalance,carsand
high wire acts.Now let'sconsiderthe last part of this chapter'stitle-
Alcoholics Anonymous-as we move from generalconceptsro prac-
tical applicationsfor achievingbalancein your life.

How,To's of Achieving Balance

To help you get started,we're going to borrow the invaluableframework

of the TwelqteSrepsof '\boholics Anonymous.Although this program
specificallyrefersto alcohol and alcoholics,it's possibleto substitute
virtually any chronic problemor disability.A variety of suppoftgroups
have adoptedthis frameworkwhich is a soundprogramfor crearinga
balancedlife.

Briefly,the programis a systematicplan for acknowledginglimitations

to oneselfand others,making amendsto otherswheneverpossibleand
coming to a greaterself-acceptance.Working theprogranmeansmaking
a commitment to follow rhe srepsin daily life.

The Twelve Steps of A.A.'a

l.'We admittedwe werepowerlessover alcohol-thatbur lives
had becomeunmanageable.
2.Came to believethat a Powergrearerthan ourselvescould
restoreus to sanity.
3.Made a decisionto tum our will and our lives over to the care
of God aswe understoodHim.
4. Made a searchingand fearlessmoral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves,and to other human beingsthe
exact nature of our wrongs.
6.'Wereentirely readyto have God removeall thesedefectsof
character.
7. Humbly askedHim to removeour shortcomings.

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 Aeour BalaNcE, ToyorAS, Ponscups,Clncus HrcH'WIRES,
ANn TUE TwElvr SrEpsOp Ar-coHolrcs ANoNyvous
8. Made a list of all personswe had harmed,and becamewilling to
make amendsto them all.
9. Made direct amendsto suchpeoplewhereverpossible,except
when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personalinventory and when we were
wrong,promptly admitted it.
I 1. Soughtthrough prayerand meditation to improveour
consciouscontact with God aswe understoodHim, praying
only for knowledgeof His will for us and the power to carry
that out.
12. Having had a spiritualawakeningasthe resultof theseSteps,
we tried to carry this messageto alcoholics,and to practice
theseprinciplesin all our affairs.

Using The TWelve Steps for Your Personal Recovery from ADD
The stepsareframedarounda central conceptof spiritualawareness
that has relevancefor ADDers. It's the glue that holds all the stepsof
the programtogetherso that peaceand self-acceptance can be achieved.

Spiritual awareness isn't specificto organizedreligion. The TwelqteSteps

carefully talk about "God as we und"erstnndhim'ileaving the specificsto
the individual. The word "God" can be replacedwith a more general-
ized"higher power" that has meaningfor each individual. The higher
power could be the fellowshipof other alcoholics(or in our case,other
ADDers) or the whole of mankind. The idea is to focuson something
greaterthan ourselvesand realizethat we c&n'tgo it totallyalone.The
SerenityPrayersumsup this philosophy:

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY

TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,
TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,
AND THE \TISDOM TO KNO\y THE DIFFERENCE.

Closelyrelatedto spiritualawareness and integralto the programis

the issueof morality and wrongdoing.For the alcoholic,this issueis a
critical part of her recovery.Typically the alcoholismhas causedhavoc
in the lives of her friendsand family and shemust assumeresponsibili-
ty for her actions.This includesmaking amendsto eachof the people
shehasdirectlv hurt.

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 You MraN I'v Nor Lazy.SruprnOn Cnezv?!

Theseissuesaren't relevantto your recoveryfrom ADD exceptasthey

relateto thoseaspectsof selfyou can change.For instance,if you've
learnedto usesomemaladaptivecoping mechanismsthat have hurt
other people,you shouldtake responsibihtyfor your behaviorsand
make appropriateamends.

The issueof powerlessness detailed in the first three steps,however,has

a direct implication for you asan adult with ADD. It meansthat you
are powerlessover your ADD in that it isn't anyone'sfault and can't
be cured.

Applying thesestepsin your own life meansthat you need to stop blam-
ing your parents,spouse,children and yourselffor the problemscaused
by your ADD. This doesn'tmean that you absolveyourselffrom all
responsibilityfor your behavior.It meansthat you acknowledgethe
reality of your imperfectself.Confronting your powerli:ssness
includes
an admissionthat you can't do it all-you arehuman and have unique
limitations. If you have begunyour processof grief,you may alreadybe
confronting and working at acceptingyour limitations.

The fourth principle alsohas significancefor you asan ADD adult.

This stepinstructsthe individual to take amoral inventory.This should
be similar to the one you developfor your homeowner'sor renter's
insurance.Rather than noting the condition and value of possessions,
you shouldexamineand list your assets, or abilitiesand your liabilities,
or disabilities.

Your inventory is central to your recovery.Since your ADD can't be

cured,your goalshouldn'tbe to eliminate your deficits.Insteadit should
be to identify, accept and manage them. A failure to confront your
limitations can result in damagedemotional and spiritualhealth and a
diminishedsenseof self.Later in this discussion,we'll offer somesugges-
tions abouthow to compile this important inventory.

Evaluating Balance Issues in Your Life

We talked earlier in this chapter about general balance issuesthat can

be important for you as an ADD adult. Now it's time for you to think
about the balance in your own life. The following is a list of questions

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 Aeour BalRNcE, Toycrr.\s, PonscHrs, CtRcus HrcH'W'IRes,
ANn Trrp Twgr-ve SrEnsOr AlcoHot-rcs ANoNyvous
you can useto get started.\-.,u may never have really thought about
someof them and may not be irbleto answerall of them right now. But
keepthgm in mind throughoutthe discussionin this chapter.If you try
someof the thingswe suggesr, \'ou may be ableto answerthem later.
1. \Yhat is your daily/weeklywork capacity?
2. How much sleepand restdo you need,including "down time"
when there are no demandsplacedon you1
3. What is your financial bottom line-how much income do you
requireto maintain an acceptablestandardof living?
4. How much time shouldyou devoreto family and friends?
5. \7hat must you do to renewyourselfspiritually,not just in the
senseof religion but regardinganything rhar givesyour life
meaning? '

6. How much and what kind of recreationalactivitiesare critical

for your well-being?
7. How long can you work efficientlywithout a break?
8. What obligationsmusryou fulfilll
9. What things are cluttering your life and shouldbe eliminated?
10. How much time do you spenddaily on self-mainrenance:
grooming,dressingor health carel

Is Your Life in Balance?

You probablyknow that "a11work and no play makesJohnny a dull
boy."A balancedlife must include time for work, relarionships,spiritual
renewal,recreationand rest.In today'sfast track, dual .ut"". society,
the pressures
are suchthat even calm, well-organizedfolk become fraz.
zledasthey arremprto find time for everything.

Th9 jugglingact is dauntingfor you asan ADD adult. If you just go

with the flow, lou're likely to find yourselfdrifting in directionsthat
aren't particularlyhelpful. You can ger immersedin work and forget
that you have a family or allow your socializingar work to interfeie
with the quality of your performance.Since you'redistractibleand
have an elasticsenseof time, you can't expectto let balancetake care
of itself.You have ro carefullydesignit.

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 You MrnN I'rr,r
Nor Ltzv, SruproOn Cnnzv?l

Conduct Your Own One Rat Study

To answerthe questionswe posedabout the balancein your life,
you'll need to conduct your own researchexperiment.It shouldin-
clude a daily log that tracksyour activitiesfor severalweeks.Write
down everythingyou do and how much time it takes.Also keep
track of the difficulty of eachtask or evenr.

Rate the difficulty on a scaleof one ro ren. If you have trouble de-
ciding how to rate something,pay attention ro stressindicators.
!7hat happenswhen you facetoo many demands?Somepeople
react to stresswith muscletensionor headaches. Othersbecome
initable or start tuning out. \ilAat is your pattem of sffessindicators?

\7hen your diary is complete,examineit for observablepattems.

Did your stressindicatorsincreaseafter a certain length of time on
a task?If so,you have discoveredhow long you can work without a
breakor a shift to anotheracrivity. In similar fashion,you can begin
to estimateyour overall daily and weeklywork capacity.

By keeping track of stresssympromsand altering the number of

hours you work, you can determinehow long you can work effi-
ciently. Don't neglect the other areasof your life when you analyze
your diary.Doesexerciseseemto lower your stresslevel and improve
the quality of your work?What about the time you spendwith your
family?

Make a Personal Schedule

It's time to developa tentative weeklyschedulethat includesan
estimateof the time it takesto do eachactivity. As you pencil in
time estimateson your schedule,be very careful.Referto your diary
to find out how long it took to completevarioustasksand factor in
extra time. Doubling your esrimatefor everythingexceprsleepwill
give you a cushionfor unexpectedeventsand the distractionsthat
inevitably derail ADDers.
'We
can almostguaranteethat after the first week,you'll decidethat
your scheduleis unworkable!You will probablyfind that everything
you neededto do didn't fit into your time frames.\7e bet that if
you did manageto stayon schedule,you were frazzledbythe end
of the week.

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 Aeour BalnNcE, ToyorAS, PonscHEs,CiRcus HrcH'WrRr.s,
ANo Tue TwEr-vESreps Op AlcoHoI-rcs ANoNyvous
Your life is out of balancebecauseyou'retrying to fit too much into it!
This includesnot just the quantity of activitiesbut an accumulation
of demandson your capaciq for work and stress.After you'verecovered
from the shockof recognizingthe impossibilityof doing it all, you'll
need to reviewyour schedulewith the goalsof slicing and dicing itl

The demandson your life needto match your capacityand abilities

and alsofit into the time you have available.How do you get started
figuring out what to cut outl In the next section,we'll get back to the
moral inventory we talked about earlier.This will be the placefor you
to start.

AnalyziurrgPersonal Strengths and Weaknesses

Although we wouldn't presumeto minimize the enormoustask of re-

coveringfrom alcoholism,in somerespecrsit might be easierthan
recoveringfrom ADD. As an ADD adult, your flawsare lessapparenr
than thoseof the alcoholic'sand may thereforebe somewhateasierro
deny and ignore.You have the power ro take control of your life by
looking squarelyat your limits.

Acknowledging your limits offersan opportunity for you to grow far

beyondthem. By limiting the activitiesthat stressyour fragileskills,
you will free up energyand time for thoseyou do well. It's time for you
get busyon your moral inventory to help you better understandyour
strengthsand weaknesses. Use the following questionsasan outline
for this important job.

What Can I Do Welll

This first questionmay be the hardestto answer!Membersof our local
adult supportgroupwere initially stumpedwhen they tried to describe
someof their strongpoints. Severalexpressed that they couldn't think
of anything positivebecausethey wereso accustomedto focusingon
their mistakes.Over time, it becameapparentthat there wasindeeda
wealth of talent amongus.After severalmonths,groupmembersgrad-
ually becamelesstentative about their strengths.

If you have a similar problem,we suggestthat you work first on enlarg-

ing your thinking aboutwhat constitutesan asset.For instance,as

133
 You MEaNI'v Nor Lnzy,SruproOn Cnezy?!

someof our groupsharedparticulartalentsin their jobs,one participant

(we'll call her Sarah)wasinitially apologeticaboutnot working out-
sidethe home.

As the sharingcontinued in subsequent meerings,it becameapparenr

that Sarahwasa virtual geniusat living a balancedlife. She had con-
ductedher own elaborate"one rat study" to determineher work capac-
ity. She addedup all the mental and physicaltasksperformedin a
typical week to arrive at a total numberof working hours.Her calcu-
lationswerevery precise.Sarahdeterminedthat travel time to her
son'sschoolconferenceconstitutedwork and time spentat the support
group wasleisure.She informed the group that she didn'r counr rhe
time it took her to get dressedin the moming-but if shehad to change
into her grasscutting clothes during the day,she counted it aswork!

Sarahspentseveralweekstracking her signsof sffessasshemanipulated

the numbersof hours she worked in a given week.At the end of her
study,she concludedthat she could work no more than fifty hours a
week without exceedingacceptablelevelsof stress.Since shealready
had two children, motherhoodwasn'ran oprional role but sheknew
that shecould makedecisionsabouther other roles.

She realizedthat shecould only managea part time job outsidethe

home but didn't wasteenergyfretting about the loweredfamily income.
Instead,sheturned her creativetalentsto devisingstrategiesfor living
well on lessmoney.She growsmuch of the family'sfood in a backyard
garden,swimsin a smallpool dug with family labor and barterswith
friendsfor other goodsand services.Shb carefullyconsidersthe impact
of labor and money decisionson the family systemnot only asfinan-
cial expenses,but alsoasthe cost and value of energyand time.

The resultis a family that is truly in balance.Sarah,whoseparricular

gifts aren't easyto measureor defineby societalstandards,is extremely
successful. She could be a valuableconsultantto manv harried. sffessed
families.

\7hen you make your list of things you do well, go beyondthe obvious.
Many of us with ADD measurepersonalworth by the yardstickof
peoplewith more orderlyor ordinarylives and minds.I7e consider

134
 Aeour Bala.NcE,ToltrrAs, PonscHes,Ctncus HtcH V/tRrs,
ANo THp TwEr-vESrEpsOp AlcoHolrcs ANoNyvous
ourselvessuccessful if we plav tennis or golf well, have careerswith a
steadyupwardclimb and pert,rrmtasksefficiently.Remember,our abil-
ities are often more offbeatl

KK: "My youngerbrotherhasADD and is a mechanicalgenius.\fhen

he wasa kid, he got in mega-troublebecausehe alwaystook things
apartand neglectedto pur them back together.He did, however,have
a talent 'We
that wasvery useful.He could figure out how ro open any kind
of lock. alwayscalledon him when family membershad locked
their keys in the car.

He wasa lifesaverwhen my dad who worked for Colt firearmsacci-

dentally locked my Aunt Mary in a pair of police handcuffsone Friday
night. Unfortunately, the key was in Dad'soffice that wascloseduntil
Monday morning. Aunt Mury would have spent a very uncomfortable
weekendhad my brother not come to her rescue!
\ \ z

\-
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 You Mr,qNI'u Nor Lnzy.SruproOn Cnazy?!

My brother would have madea grearburglarbut he might alsohave

tumed his unusualtalent into somethingboth income-producingand
legal! I don't know. Maybehe could have designedsecurirysystems.
Actually, he becamea chef who happensto have many other untapped
talents.

\fhen I was23 yearsold and doing my own self-assessment, I wasini-

tially hard-pressedto figureout what I did well. A string of failures
had left me wonderingif I had any abilitiesat all. I sidestepped the
questionof my abilitiesby taking a look at what I liked to do. Iden-
tifying my talentsfollowedlogicallyfrom this startingpoint.

The first item on my list wasthat I liked to spendtime talking with

my friends.I realizedthat not only did I like it, I wasalsogood at it.
Peopleoften called on me for help when they were in trouble or feeling
unhappy.Bingo! I realizedthat I wasan effective,albeit untrained,
therapist.

I addedmy love of readingto my list. I realizedthat besidesbooks,I

loved readingpeopleand trying to undersrandthem. My list grewro
include attributessuch asmy toleranceand acceptanceof others'faults
and my problem-solving skills."

\fhen you begin working on your own list, try srarringwith the things
you like to do. Since we often preferactivitiesthat comeeasiestto us,
you may find yourselffocusingon your talentswithout even realizing
it. Include asmany things asyou can. Don't limit yourselfto standard
or marketableskills suchasbeing a computerwhiz or a good dancer.If
you can tie a knot in a cherry stemwith your tongue,include it on your
list. If your talent is playing the Star-SpangledBanneron your reerh,
don't hesitateto write it down. Theseabilitiesmight nor have any
apparentvalue. But somecreativethinking can lead to somesurprising
usesfor seeminglyuseless and sffangetalents!

What Can I Do Adequatelyt

Your downhill skiing talentsmay not exactlyqualifufor an Olympic
gold medal.If you can manage,however,to ger down the hill in one
piece, add this item to your inventory. \fhat about the costumesyou
sewedfor your daughter'sschoolplay?Maybesomeof the seamsripped

136
 Aeour BaleNcE, Toyt.T.\s, PonscHrs, CtRcus Htcrr 'WtREs,
ANo Tue TwElvr Sl.i.. Or Ar,cc>Hot-tcsANoNyvous
apart and had to be pinned rtrggl|-t.rfor the performancebut you did
manageto get the twenty-fivc Ctrslpp"ssewedtogether.

fh" point is, you shouldincluJc eachthing you can do reasotwbly well.
Theseactivitiesmay not L'e\'t'rurtavoritethings to do and they may
not be a showcase of your talent, hut at leastyou can get by with them.
If you area mediocretennispl.rver,includeit aslong asyou don't play
so poorly that you facehumiliation eachtime you stepon the court. If
Y-ourcooking is fairly routine and unexciting but edible,it belongsin
this category.

What Can't (or Shouldn't) I Dol

This final sectionof your inventory is extremelyimportant becauseit
will help you makedecisionsabout the things you shouldsimply
-by srop
doing.-Do you rememberDebrawho tries to hide her deficits doing
everything?Not only doesshetry to do everything,shetries to do
everythingbrilliantlyl Of course,shecontinuatlyfeelsstressed and
inadequatedue to her unrealisticexpectations.

Even_ifyou aren't trying to do it all, you areprobablytrying to do things

you shouldn'tdo. You may be a whiz in mathematicsbut that doesn'i
necessarilymean that you shoulddo your income rax preparation.Do
you really have time to fit this in ro your scheduleor shouldyou pay
an accountantto do it? \7hat about thosethings that really aren'r
your fort6?If you are experiencingfailure when your effortsdon'r ac-
complishwhat you want them to, perhapsyour only failure is in trying
to do someof thesethings at all. No one can be wonderFulat everything.

Many ADDers try so hard to be normalthat they are unrealisticabout

the_ircapabilities.If playingsoftballalwaysresul$ in an agonizingly
embarrassing experience,don't do it-even if your three closestfriends
pressureyou into joining them for this grearpasrime.Bland, rarher
tasteless
mealsare acceptablebut if you repeatedlyburn down major
sectionsof your kitchen, it's time to reevaluateyour cooking.

Theseactivitiesshouldbe addedro your Can'tlshouldn'tDolist. As

you examineyour assetsand liabilities,be honestabout your weak-
'S7e
nesses. certainlydon't encourageyou to focusexclusivelyon your
deficits.But through the processof examiningand identifying rhem,

137
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 Cuapren 8

lnterfacing
ln Action:
ln Groups andFriendships
Tttit chapter marksa changein direction from the first part of this
book. In educationaljargon, the information in the first sevenchapters
wasReadiness. \7e were providing information that will be the basis
for everything that follows. Since we want to be effective teachers,we
need to remind you to periodicallyreview someof the old materialas
you continue your reading.\7e will usethe moral inventory againso if
you haven't completedit, we hope that you have at leastbeen thinking
about it.\7e hope that at a minimum, you've addedit to your To Do list!

In precedingchapterswe talked about the impact of ADD on other

peoplewithin the context of specificsymptoms,differencesand defense
mechanisms.Now we'regoing to examinethe impact of ADD speci-
fically within the context of relationships.

We've borrowedfrom computerterminologyin naming chapterseight

through ten. The term "interfacing" is usedto describecommunication
betweencomputers.!7e think the term capturesthe essenceof the
issuesof "getting along".

Although much of the focusof thesethree chaptersis interfacing and

communication,we'll alsoconsiderrelatedissues.In Chapter 9, for
instance,we'll examine variousfactorsthat have an impact on an
Now that you
ADDer's ability to "relare"to his iob responsibilities.
know whereyou'reheadingin your reading,let'sget busyexamining
interfacingin action.

We all interact daily with other people.When we talk on the phone,

participatein a meetingor sharedinner with a friend, we're relating
r47
 You MreN I'rvrNol Lxzv.SruprpOn Cnezv?!

with other people.The success

of theseinteractions,whether brief,
one-timeencountersor long-lastingrelationships,dependslargelyon
adequatecommunicationskills.

Virtually everything we do asmembersof the human race is a form of

communication.Volumeshave beenwritten about the art of effective
commLlnication. Family and marriagetherapistsfocuson its importance
and attempt to help people keep the linesof communication open.
College coursesteach posinue skills.Basedon all the
commr.Lnicanon
attention given to issuesof communication,one can assumethat it
must be considerablymore complexand difficult than simply talking!

Of courseyou alreadyknew that. Relationshipswould be a breezeif

this werethe case.In reality,even the briefestof interactionscan fall
apart through a misunderstanding.So let's take a brief look at the dy-
namicsof communicationasa startingplacefor our discussionof in-
teractionsand relationships.

We interact with eachother by transmittingour thoughts,feelings,

and desiresthrough the medium of language.In its simplestform, lan-
guageinvolvesspeakingand listening:I talk and you listen and you
talk and I listen. Soundssimple,doesn'tit? To understandhow lan-
guageis anything but simple,we'll considercommunicationin the
world of computers.

Communication in the Computer World

With the explodingtechnologyof the pastthirty years,many different
kinds of computershave becomeavailableand arealmostindispensable
for personaland busindssuse.\il/ith the arrival of modemsand net-
working, computersrapidly sendmail electronically.\7e don't have
'!7e to
wait for the US PostalServiceto deliver a letter two dayslater.
can instantly sendthe report on our computerscreento someoneelse's
through telephonecabling.

This capabilityhasbeen limited by communicationproblemsidentical

to the onesencounteredby German who tries to speakto an Amer-
" becausethey speakdifferent languages.
ican. They can't communicate

In the world of computers)greatstrideshave been madein developing

softwarethat bridgesthe capabilitiesof dissimilarprogramminglan-
\
148
 INrEnrRcrNcIN AcrroN: IN GnsunANo FRtsNosutps

guages.Macintoshesand IBMs, for example,usehardwareand pro-

grammedlanguages unique to eachof them. Both computerscan usea
word processingsoftwarepackagecalledMicrosoftWordtM, but their
"brains" (hardware)can recognizethe programonly if it written in their
own "language".Beforethe advent of specialsoftwareprogramsthat
translatethe unfamiliar languageof one computerfor the other, Macs
and IBM's were unable to interfaceand communicatewith each other.

Even when two computershave the samehardware,they may be unable

to communicatewith each other if they don't usethe samesoftware.
For instance)a Macintosh that usesthe word processingsoftwareMac-
'lTritet*,
hasn'tbeenableto reada letter formattedin Microsoft\Uordt*
becausethe programminglanguagesare different

Similarly,peoplecome in differentmodelswith individualizedhard-

ware and softwarepackages.Each of our brains processes information
differently and usessoftwarethat can't readthe languageof other
people.If an IBM lacksthe capabiliryof talking to a Macintosh,it simply
worksby itself and doesits own thing. When differencesin programming
makecommunicationbetweenpeopledifficult, we still have to inter-
face with each other becausewe sharethe world ashuman beings.

The Art and Science of Communication

Although Mom and Dad often frantically try to figure out exactly what
the crying signifies,,theirone secondoLdinfant is alreadycommunicating.
Long beforethe growingbabyacquiresreal language,he usessqueals,
gesturesand facial expressions to "talk".

Unlesswe have a speechproblemor a specificlanguagedisability,most

of us learn to talk fairly early in our lives. We learn the scienceof com-
municationrather effortlessly.!7e learn to pronouncewords correctly
and to usethem to communicateour needs.

The art of commuLnication is often considerablymore difficult to leam.

Successfulinteractionswith the taxi driver or a spouserely on a mastery
of this art form. Similar to a painting, communicationcan be designed
and interpretedin a variety of ways.It sendsa message that includes
multiple elementsof form, color intensity and shading,subtlety,and

r49
 You MpnNI'u Nor Lezv.SruprnOn Cnazv?!

detail. Unlessyou are an art aficionado,you may walk awayfrom an

abstractpainting asconfusedasyou are after someconversations.

An adult with ADD can have real problemswith communication and

relationshipsbecausethe rulesof the art form continually change.As
he tunesin and out, his deficits interferewith his ability to truly under-
stand the meaning of conversations.He may communicatemessages
he never intended and misinterpret the messages he receives.

The Rhythm of Language

Unlike a painting, communication isn't a static art form. It has rhythm
and movement.\7e have to synchronizeourselvesto its flow and to
know where, when and how much to contribute to a conversation.
Similar to a ballet, a conversationhas many elements.It includesa
proper time to make an entrance, an awarenessof what others are
doing, allocation of time for a solo and rulesfor executinga graceful
finale and exit. Many of us could really usesomedancing lessons!

Verbal and Nonverbal Communication

Communication is an interplay of wordsand body language.In general,
peoplefrom one country usewords incomprehensibleto foreigners.
Peoplein the samecountry may speakdifferent dialectsdependingon
the ethnic group or areathey come from. It has alsobeen suggested
that men and women speakdifferent languages.

ADDers and non-ADDers alike differ in their ability to read the inter-
play of verbal and body language.For someof us, the additional clues
of body languagehelp rather than hinder our communication skills.
'We
can useobservablegesturesand facial expressionsto fill in the gaps
of wordswe would otherwisemisunderstand.

Others may graspthe precisemeaningof spokenwordsbut misunder-

stand the messageof non-verbal language.During a visit to Australia,
PresidentGeorgeBushheld up his fingersin the "V" recognizedby
Americans as the classicsymbolof victory. Much to his chagrin, he
learnedthat an Australian usesthe "V" to communicatethe same
thing as an American holding up his middle finger! PresidentBush
really should have taken a crashcoursein the Art of I'lonuerbalCom-
rrundcationbeforehe madehis historic blooper!

150
 INrERrRcrNcIN AcrtoN: IN GRoups ANo FRtpNosHtps

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Communication is fraught with the potential for misunderstanding.

You may know the meaning of the words,"You should leave" but your
responsewill vary accordingto your ability to usethe art of commun-
ication. If you rely only on the words themselves,you might respond,
"Yes,I probably should get going." But what about the accompanying
body language?

You should leave: The speakeris relaxedand smiling. He looka at his

watch and realizesthat it's time for your next class,
so you SHOULD leave. He is enjoying the con'
versationbut is concemed that you'll be late.

You should leave: The speakermovescloseto you and his face is

expresslonless.He looks at his watch and says
angrily that YOU should leave. He isn't at all
concemed about your punctuality. And at the
moment, he doesn'tcare much about leaving for
his classeither. He wants Torlout. NO\f!

151
 You MrnN I'v Nor Lazy,SruproOn Cnazy?l

You should leave: The speakerbacksawayfrom you and his eyesare

little more than slits.His mouth is set and his lips
barelymove ashe grabsar his watchbandand
hissesthat you should LEAVE. The messageis
that you've done enoughalready-he doesn'twant
you to breathe,flinch or talk. He wantsyou ro
IBaqte and never,ever rhink of coming back!

\7e think you get the message.Words,voice inflections,facial expres-

sions,gestures,body postureand positioningall communicatesubtle
(or not so subtle!) messages.
An ADDer can repeatedlyfacesocial
slipperyspotsashe attemptsto negotiarearoundthe obstaclesto suc-
cessfulcommunication.Let'sexaminejust two particularlydangerous
hazardsbeforewe move on to issuesof variousrelationshipsin our lives.

Hazard-Social Slippery Spots!

Social Slippery Spot #l-Basic Manners: We would venture ro
saythat most of us with ADD need to proceedvery cauriouslyin this
'We're
area. not sayingthat ADDers have comered the market on bad
manners.But societalconventionsof politenesscan be hazardsbecause
of our particulardifferences.

W"henpeopletalk aboutgood manners,rhey'reusuallyalking about

rule-govemedspeechand behavior.Grandparentsbragaboutlheir well.
manneredgrandchildand teachersadmonishtheir studentsto show
better manners.Good mannersrequireadequatecommunicationskills
that include an ability to monitor behaviorind pay closearrenrionro
detail. Since theseskills can be shakyin an ADDer, he may behavein
an unmannerlyfashion,making enorsof both omissionand commission:

Teacher:"I will thankJou to keepthoseopinionsto yourself

!" \
You: "Oh, you'rewelcome!"
womnn whoseDlacein line you just tookoqter:"WeII, excuse me!"
You: "Oh, aml in yourway?"

An ADDer may fail to say,"Excuseme" when he jostlessomeone

(omission)and interrupt and monopolizeconversations(commission).
He probablyknows the rules,but haphazardlyappliesthem. Since

t52
 INrERpactNclN At:rtoN: IN Gnoups ANo FRtENosHtps

theseskillsmay not comenaturally to him, he needsto make a con-

sciouseffort to learn and practicethe behaviorexpectedof adultsin
our society.

KK: "'W'henI first lived awayfrom home, I rememberbeing shocked

that the rest of the world didn't function the way my family did. Since
most of my family wasaffectedto somedegreeby ADD, we developed
a styleohnq"ruction basedon behaviorthat camenaturally to us.Meal-
times were a free-for.all,with everyonetalking at once and no one
listening.Interruptingwasnormal behavior.It wasa revelationto dis-
cover that mosrpeopletake tums talking and listening to eachother!"

PR: "The ADD Council'shot-line coordinatorrecentlyshareda hu-

morousanecdotewith me. He had a conversationwith a repeatcaller
who usuallyspokewith one particular phone volunteer.When he
suggesredthat the caller speakwith the volunteershehad previously
spokento, shereplied,"Oh, I don't have enoughtime to talk with
"Melissa".She'sbeen a greathelp but she'll talk so much and keepme
on rhe phone so long that I'll forgetthe one questionI neededto ask!"

I don't know who the phone volunteerwas,but it could have been

me! As ADDers sometimesdo, if I'm not careful,I can get carried
awaywith a one-sidedconversation.I becomeso involved with sharing
my advice and experiencesthat I forget the cardinal rule of effective
communication:LISTEN ING !

I have gorrenmuch better at this but sometimesfall into old habits.I

sometimeshave to put my hand over the mouth pieceof my phone to
cue myselfto stop talking. Perhapsthe Council'sphone line coordina'
tor shouldteach this trick to his talkative volunteer!"

Even if an ADDer avoidsclearlyrude actionsand bad manners,his social

life can be hamperedby the generalfogginessof ADD. He may be un'
able to clear the cloudssufficientlyto really connect with other people.
"ls anyonehome?".. ."Earthto Mark!". . ."'Whata spacecadet!".. . He
may be so vagueand dreamythat he doesn'tseemto exist in the real
world.

He may be ridiculed for being out to lunchor rebukedfor caring only

r53
 You MraN I'vrNor Lezv,SruprpOn Cnnzy?!

abouthimself.He doesn'tmean to be rude or uncaringbut his failure

to respondcan look like selfishness.

social slippery spot #z-Tye

lelephone: A greatdeal of daily
communicationis conductedby telephone. Telephonesare a grear
invention but sometimes do a terrible disseiviceto ADD"ers.It's
!h"y
not that we fail to appreciatethe convenience,but we'renot too crazy
about the uncanny ability of a telephonero changeou.p.rronalities!

.H""-" you ever met someonefor the first time after talking to him only
--'
by phone and been amazedby the difference?Can rnir Utight,f"r.i-
nating personreally be the samecharacterwho seemedroi"il on the
telephone?What about the sparklingtelephoneconversationalistwho
becomesalmostmute in face-to-fu.J..counters?

Th: telephonecan alsocausea remarkablechangein our dispositions.

Perhapsyou can identify with this phenomeno" 6f Telep,hone-Tiansfor-
mation:

PR: "l sufferfrom TTTS: Testy,Telephone Tyrant syndrome! A ring-

ing telephonecan transformme into a mean,confrontationalp.rro"]
!f you are the unfortunate individual who walks into the ,oo* when
I'm o1 the phone, you will endurescathinglooks.If you ,*k" th"
mistakeof making noiseor talking to me, yJu'[ ..rdur" f", ra,orr..Simply
stated,I-getnastylMy children w"t.h in continual amazementastheir
relativelyeven-temperedmother transformsinto a screamingmeanie!

I have never understoodthe powerthis inanimateobject wields.\7hen

the phone rings,I instantlv go into a sranceof defenr. o, aitack. I
ryait,hoping someoneelsewill answerthe incessanrringing. After the
third or fourth ring, I relucta.-rly answerit, after urr.ro,,i..i?rgthat
"Nobody better interrupt me during this call.,' If my *;r;;g goes
unheeded,my family is in for the asia,.rltof the telephone-iyr".rtl"

KK: "Beforeeither of us knew anything about ADD, my husband

usedto accuseme of having a diseasehe called Phone-a-'Phobia.
He
claimedI inherited it from my mother who hassimil". ry*proms.,,

A phobia is a fear out of proportion to the actual threat in a situation

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 INrERpRctNcIN AsrtoN: IN Gnoups ANo FnteNosHtps

and peoplewith phobiasgenerallytry to avoid the situationsthey fear.

SomeADDers do avoid using the telephone.The avoidance,however,
isn't a phobic reaction to inappropriateanxiety or fear-they have
real problemswith telephonecommunication.

The problem is sometimesan inability to processthe meaningof words

without the visual cluesof body language.Telephoneconversations
may be pepperedwith silences,requestsfor the speakerto repeathimself
and charming phrasessuch as"l.Jh" and "um!" An ADDer may forget
to identify himseli leave out important information or abruptly end
the conversation.

An inability to filter out backgroundnoise alsocontributes to the

difficulty with telephoneconversations.An ADDer can becomea
telephone ryranr ashe fights to shut out noisesand interruptions.
Listening and making senseof communication is hard enoughwork
without having to contend with outside interferences.

'-'-*'

,1.-)
{ +

)Y/

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 You MreN I'u Nor L,+zy,SruprnOn Cnazyl!

9yrvival Tips for the Telephone

fh. telephone may never be yo,rr preferredmode of communication
but there are somethings you can io to make it more user-frie"Jrv.
Here are a ftLEl"phone strategiesthat may reduceyour pho.r"."-
Phobia and TTTS:

t Rehearseand write down

what you're going to saybeforeyou make
a call-your greeting,the major points-youwant to make and the
way you'll politely end the conversarion.

o Keep your nores in front of you during the call jog

to your memory.
t Stick to your script to avoid
the "wandering"conversation.
t Make your phone calls
in a quiet, distraction-freeplace.One person
we know had a phone jack installedin her bathroomso the ihi,.
noiseof the exhaustfan would block out distracrions.If you ,tv
this, don'r forg_"!one oery important detair.Telephoro elec-
trical devices.Used in water,they can have f", mor" serious"r" conse-
quencesthan Phone-a-Phobiaand TTTSI

t If someonecallsand
catchesyou off guard,briefly excuseyourself,
sayingyou'll have to switch phones, the door or return the
call later.Then take a few minuresro".rsr.,
composeyourselfand g"rh.,
any written information you might needfor the'conversation.If
you have taken the call in a noisy areaof your house,take the
time
to requestquiet or switch to anotherphone.

With this-generalframeworkof communication and interactions in

place,we'Il turn our attention to interfacingin groupand one-to-one
encounters.As you considertheseissues,your guiding principle should
be the theme of this book-maximizing your rt-r.rrgtli, and 1nirri-irirrg
your weaknesses. Don't attempt to becomelike folliwith ."1- rempera-
ments.You'll fail miserablyand losesight of the plus sideof your moral
inventory.since we'readvocatesof the open bobk test,we encourage
you to keep,yourinventory noteshandy ai you conrinue readingl
WE'ff
test you at the end of the book. Only kidding. . .

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 INreRrRcnc lN AcrloN: IN Gnoups ANn FRtgNosulps

Relationships:
A Play with Multiple Acts and a Cast of
Many Characters

If the world werefilled with fellow ADDers, many of us would probably

do just fine in our relationships.With our personalexperiencewith
ADD, we would understandthe "quirks" of the ADDers around us. Of
course,the world is madeup of many different kinds of people,many
who can't figure us out at all! If we're going to fit in, we have to figure
out how to communicatewith and relateto others.

You may need to completelyreprogramyour mental computer to im-

prove its interfacing capabilities.You may have unique strengthsin
this areaand need only minor adjustmentsto your program.You may
alreadybe using your identified strengthsto bypassany weaknesses in
this areaof functioning. You may have a keen senseof humor and
vivid imaginationthat attractspeopleand repairsthe damageof a
socialfaux pas.You may be judiciouslyusingyour disinhibition-saying
or doing things other peoplecensor-to developa frank and open com-
munication stylethat disarmsothersand puts them at ease.

Act I: Interfacing
in Groups

\7e live, work and play in groups-families, socialclubs,meetingsand

'SUe
committees. can't avoid theseinteractionseven if we wantedto. If
you are like many bright, enterprisingADD adults,you may facegroup
situationswith about asmuch enthusiasmasyou do a trip to the den-
tist! What can you do to prevent the socialsuicideyou fear?To help
you with this issue,let'sobservesomesocialsituationsin action.

Michael
Michael is standingin a clusterof four peoplewho have been talking
about a variety of topics.He hasn't addedmuch to the conversation
becausehe doesn'tknow anything about the latest softwareor the
movementto protect endangeredcaterpillars.His brain is racingto
think of something to say,beforesomebodyaskshim somethinghe won't
know how to answer.

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 You MEaNI'u Nor L,+zy,SruproOn Cnnzy?!

He is preoccupiedwith planning his verbalentrancero rhe conver-

sation and vaguelyhearsa commentabout recenractivitv in the Oqtal
Office.Sincehe'sa builder with a specialtyin cusromrenovation,he
eagerlyjumps in with his accountof an inreresringcircularroom he
once built.

It suddenlyoccursto him, halfway through his story,that somerhing

isn't quite right. He looksup to seefour facesetchedwith question
marks!He graduallyrealizesthe enormiryof his blunderand slinks
awaywith a half-heartedchuckle: "Oval Ofrice. . .White House.. .l
knew that. I just wantedto seeif you werepayingattention."

Amanda
Betweenburstsof sma[ talk with her two companions,Amanda twists
aroundto watch her friend Mlchael humiliate himself.She asksof no
one in particular,"Can you believehe just saidthat?" She quickly
switchesgearsassheobservesthat her companion'stie looksjust like
the one her Uncle Joeusedto wear.To her companion'scomment
about the benefitsof usingglassinsteadof papeiproducrs,Amanda
asks,"Do funeraldirecrorsrecyclethe dearlydepartedloved one's
clothingl The reasonI'm askingis that your tielooks exacrlylike the
one Uncle Joewore at his funeral."

she laughingly assuresboth men that she'sonly kidding and wonders

if the_y'venoriced how many peoplehave alreadyleft tie parry and if
they have any suggestionsaboutwhat sheshouldrav to Mi.hael about
acting so stupid

Elizabeth
Elizabethis standingwith a largegroupnear the buffet table.An ani-
matedconversationabout the plight of the homelessis so engrossing
that everyoneignoresthe deliciousfood. Elizabethis the onli p"rroi
in the groupwho.isn't sayinganyrhing.Her eyeslook glazedund h".
faceis expressionless.
To the woman *ho asksher opiiion about this
serioustopic, shereplieswith a yawn,"Oh, I don't .""lly know." Some-
one elseoffersto drive her home in caseshe'sbeen drinking too much
and needsto sleepit off.

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 INrERrRcluc IN AcrtoN: IN Gnoups Arlo FRtENosHrps

Notes: Act I
Mental Gymnastics: Do you rememberthe discussionabout dividing
attention and shifting gears?
They are a kind of mental athletics.Suc-
cessfulgroup interfacing dependson an ability to shift gearsrapidly.
The exchangeof a conversationis a challenging task for an ADDer
who can't make quick mental adjustments.He has to follow the flow
of talk as it bouncesfrom personto person.He has to concentrate
enough to understandwhat the speakeris saying.He alsohas to be
surehe doesn'tget locked in. Otherwise,he comesto a grinding halt
while the generalconversationgoeson without him.

Someof us take mental time outs to processthe conversation.Remem,

ber our slow reactiontime?A break give us time to deal with our
'Wecan
lessthan trustworthy memories. may be so intent on frantically
rehearsingand rememberingwhat we're going to saythat we block out
everythingelse.\7e do mental handspringsasfast aswe can. Unfortun-
ately,we often end up interjectingseeminglyirrelevantcomments.
'We're
talking about spring soccerwhen the conversationmoved on
five minutesearlierto the winter Olympics.

Creativethinking alsoplaysinto the mental athletics.Rather than

getting locked in and taking a time out, an ADDer's mind may move
at breakneckspeed,taking a detour at the end of the track! A comment
during the conversationstimulatesan ideathat sendshim on a wild,
imaginativejourney.Severallapslater he endshis little detour and
sharessometidbit. His comment is greetedwith either raisedeyebrows
or repliesof, "\fhat the H- - - are you talking about?"

The comment that makesperfect senseto him is incomprehensibleto

the rest of the group.They didn't go on the mental journey with the
ADDer and don't know wherehe'sbeen.If he'samongfriends,they'll
probablyjust shrug it off. If he'swith strangers,they might wonder
what planet he comesfrom!

Running Out of Gas: There are other reasonsfor an ADDer's diffi-

cultieswith groupinteractions.The atmosphereof a groupcan be
intenselystimulating.Impairedattention and a defectivesensoryfilter
can be pushedbeyondtheir capabilities.Attention can jump from a

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 You MraN I'v Nor Lnzy,SruproOn Cnnzy?!

companion'sperfumeto the crackling fire acrossthe room. \Uhere

should he focus-on the speaker'swordsor on the body languageof
the personstandingnexr to him? Bombardedwith sightsand sounds
from many differentdirections,his sensesrapidly reachan uncomfort-
able level of overload.Similar to a car climbing a long mounrain road,
he quickly usesup his reservesof fuel. He mayrun out of mennlgas.

';l '. i

:N LI
A \
rI t
\

l-
l r ' l
t -

Have you everbeen in a stimulatinggroupsituation,feelingasif you've

just taken a sleepingpill or gone into a coma?'Sfehave. k's asif the
body staysin the samespot while the brain goesoff to a quiet corner
somewhereto rest and regroup.That's just greatfor your brain, but
what aboutyoul You end up standingthere with a blank look and a
yawn. You may not exactly endearyourselfto the speakerwho is shar-
ing fascinatinginformation.

It's not that the conversationis boring-although it might be! It's that
the overstimulationof a groupsituationcausesmental fatigue.Simply
put, an ADDer might either tune out or fall asleep.That's precisely
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 INrsnrRcrNcIN AcrroN: IN GRoupsAuo FRrENosurps

what happenedto Elizabethwho attributesher poor socialskills to a

lack of sleep.
Cruise Controls Set on Mega,Speed: Conversely,the mental cruise
control may be flipped on and set way abovethe speedlimit. The
Porscheis revvedand readyto go! Foot in mouth diseaseescalates out
of control as the ADDer barrelsaround the track, heedlessof anyone
who might be in his way.With a poor senseof boundaries,he may
careen,literally and figuratively,into other people.He fidgetstoo much,
talks too fast and drives everyonecrazywith his intensity. The people
aroundhim altematelyview his behaviorasamusingor annoying.
Impulsivity and disinhibition aresometimesatremptsto fend off mental
fatigueand maintain alertness.Of course,no one elseknows that!
Many of us often talk and act first and think later. As Amanda does,
we may fill up physicaland emotional spacewith our presenceand
chatter.Inappropriate,rude or silly remarksare out of our mouthsbefore
we know it! How many times have you saidto yourself,"l can't believe
I just saidthat."

Synopsis: Act I
It might seemthat you processinformation too slowlywhen you'rein
a groupconversation.Is it possible,however,that you processthe
information ln greaterdepththan othersdo?Do you make connections
that eludeeveryoneelseand have real value?It might seemthat your
mental detoursare inappropriatebut that doesn'tmean they're worth-
less.Perhapsyour tangentsand wild leapsof imaginationcan lead the
groupto creativeproblem-solving.
And here'ssomethinginterestingto think about.Are your problems
in groupscausedby your deficits or by therulesfor interactionthat are ill
suitedto your sryleof thinking?
KK: "'!7ith professionalexperienceasa group leader,I mentally geared
up for a difficult challengewhen I agreedto start an ADD adult support
group.I pictureda groupof peopletalking non-stop,interruptingeach
other and jumping from topic to topic. I figured my main function as
the facilitator would be to referee.
What has happenedis vastly different from what I imagined.The flow
of ideasdoesjump arounda lot but this doesn'tseemto be an obstacle
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 You MenNI'v Nor Lnzy,SruproOn Cnazy?!

to the groupprocess.Generally,the groupasa whole is able to follow

the logic of the conversationand sometimesmovesit off into wonder-
ful, productive tangents.Thetempo is much fasterthan I have encoun-
tered in other groups.But groupmembers,often left behind in "normal"
groups,are able to keepup with the speedyconversation."

Perhapsthe logic of a non-ADD thinker is a different brand from an

ADDer's. His logic, formulatedby the generalizationsand connections
of his distractions,may in somewaysbe superiorto the logic taught in
school.It makessensethat if he could play by his own set of logical
rules,his communicationwould flow more freely.

The danceof conversationin an ADD group seemsto move to music

entirely different from that of other groups.It seemsto have its own
unique rhythm, tempo and patterns.Perhapswe ADDers don't need
dancinglessonsafter all. We may just need to danceto our own ADD
beat!

If you have an ADD friend, get togetherand enjoy the danceyou share.
Of course,you can't alwaysdanceto your own beat just asyou can't
alwaysdo what your impulsesdrive you to do. Sinceyou can't avoid
being in groupsof non-ADDers,you'll have to learn someof the con-
ventional steps.Here are somesurvivaltips that might help you on
the dancefloor.

Survival Tips for Act I

Be Prepared: Beforeyou arrive at the socialgathering,make sure

you'reprepared.Start taking notes asa newspaperreporterwould.
Find out who will be there and write down their names,occupations,
interests,etc. If you'relucky,somebodyelsewho lovesradio controlled
racecarsasmuch asyou do, will be in attendance.Ask about the dress
"code" so you won't arrive in jeansif everyoneelsewill be wearing
suitsand ties. Make sureyou write down the date and time of the
gathering!Arriving for a dinner party an hour late will definitely not
win rave reviewsfrom your host.

Do Your Homework: If your mind and mouth inexplicably shut

down in groupsettings,rehearseaheadof time. Part of this rehearsal

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 INrrRrRcrNcIN AcrroN: IN GRoupsANo FRrEr.rosHrps

should be keeping up, at leastsuperficially,with current events.This

doesn'tmeanyou have to sit down on a daily basiswith the lengthy
New York Times.It doesmean that you shouldknow that the changing
farrily isn't a topic about folk glowing in the dark with radiation
ru,rcIear
poisoning!

The value in having an awareness, however vague,of names,places

and events in the news is that it providesa file of information on which
you can draw.If the subjecttums to the primaries,you won't interject
a comment about your son'sexperiencesin the primary gradesof your
local school. Instead,you might offer,"Campaign activity is really
heating up, isn't it? I haven't seenthe paperthe pastfew days.Is there
anything new going on?"

Practice: Rehearsingmeansjust that. Write a script. Rehearse.Prac-

tice. When you arrive, what will you sayto the host?How will you join
a conversationl\7hat wordswill you usel How will you introduceyour-
selfl How will you respondto the inquiry "\Uhat do you do for a living,
Don?" Develop a standardscript for thesequestionsthat come up in
groups.Then practice it with a spouseor friend or in front of a mirror.

When you work on your script, considerwaysyou can respondto infor-

mation sharedby others.After you've answeredthe inquiry about what
you do for a living, how do you respondwhen somebodytells you about
his 1ob?

Someone aslcs:"What da you dofor aliving, Don?"

You stnrtJoLuscript:"I restoreanaqtefurniune. What'syourjob, Fred?"
Fred replies:"I am a mediacenter specialist."
Youcomment:"Oh, really.. ."

The conversationstopsdead in its tracks.What happensnow?Rather

than feeling uncomfortableand trying to fill the deadspacewith ram-
bling, you can referto your memorizedscript of cannedresponses.Ques-
tions are excellent becausethey keep the conversationgoing and draw
attention awayfrom you. Generic commentscan bail you out if you
have no idea what a media center specialistis. A rehearsedlist of
questionsand commentscan also help with any problemsyou
have with monopolizingconversations. Try someof thesescriptsand

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 You MpeNI'v Nor Lxzy,SruproOn Cnnzy?!

add someof your own:

"How did you get interestedin that area?"

"I don't know verymuchaboutthntfield. lYhat exactlJdoesyour
work entail?"
"Haqteyou alwaysdone thiswork or did Jou stertoff in a different
fieLd?"
"Tltat soundslike an interestingjob. Can you tellme moreabout it?"

The focusof the conversationwill probablycome back to you after

this questionand answerperiod.By then you shouldhave found some
familiar territory and will be able to talk comfortablyabout a subject
you know. You may get in a bind and exhaustthe items in your script.
If this happens,you can excuseyourselfto make a phone call or to ask
the host something.Include theseemergencyexittechniquesduring
your rehearsal.Also includeyour spouseor friend in your practice
sessions so you'll have someoneto bail you out when you needhelp.

If you're a memberof a supportgroup,you can leam about your behav-

ior by watching yourself.Arrange for a video or audio recordingof
your group'sinteractions.Although the cameramight be somewhat
distracting,you can leam a lot when you review thi tape.

This is a valuableprocessnot only for reviewingwhat you did wrong,

but what you did right! If you'rea memberof an ongoingsuppoftgroup,
you might be able to tape a seriesof sessions.
You can usethe tapesto
monitor your progressasyou practicenew waysof behaving.Of course,
this idea presupposesthat you feel comfortablein the group and that
none of the membersobjectsto being taped.

Watch and Listen: \7hen you're with an unfamiliar group of people,

initially keep a low profile.Look and listen a lot and talk very little.
Watch the others to seehow they behave.Find out how much personal
information peoplesharewith each orher and try to figure our any
unspokenrules.Most groupshave informal codesof conduct that
govem the behaviorof members.The hidden codemay tell you which
subjectsare taboo,whereto sit or even how to dress.

\7e don't advocateblind conformity to rules or buying into the idea

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Iu AcrroN: IN GRoupsANn FzuENosHrps

that you must fit in. It will be up to you to decidewhether to continue

your associationwith a particulargroup.You can, however,make a
reasonableattempt to be cordial and respectfulof the group'srules at
leastfor one evening.If nothing else,usethe eveningto practiceyour
conversationalskills.

Watch Your Watch: Focuson the speaker.Force yourself to make

eye contact. Play closeattention to the danceof conversationand
don't give a solo per6ormance.Beforeyou start talking, make surethat
you aren't interrupting.Make it a practiceto askthe speakerif he has
finished beforeyou jump in and cut off his next thought.

Wear a watch with a secondhand and unobtrusivelynote how long

each personspeaks.\Uhen it's your turn, time yourself.Set a mental
alarm clock to ntrn yowselfoff rf you exceedyour allotted time. Watclung
Joltxwatchcan alsohelp you maintain focusas it givesyou something
to do. In casesomebodywatchesyou watching your watch, you can
alwaysclaim that the batteryseemsto be wearingout. It's better to
wearout your batterythan your audience!

Watch Your Wandering: Pay closeattention to the number of tan-

gential joumeysyou take so you won't start jumping all over,monopo.
lizing the conversation.In a safegroup of friends, ask someoneto
signal you when you're getting off track. If all elsefails and you're
off and running beforeyou know it, acknowledgeyour rambling. S"y
somethinglike, "Boy,my mind is really on a mental marathon,isn't it?
Sorry about that. . ."

Work on Your Reading Skills: Rememberthat people communicate

through verbal and non-verbalchannels.You'll need to practiceread-
ing both kinds of language.The verbal channel usesthe voice asrhe
instrument to producewordswhile body languageand facial expres-
sionsprovidevaluablecluesabout the impact of your behavior.

If you notice a look of horror, it's a good bet that your wordssent an
unintendedmessage-unlessof course,you wanted a particularreac-
tion! Immediatelyapologizeif you know your wordswere impulsive.If
you hate to apologrze, grit your teeth and do it anywaylThink of it as
balancingyour checkbookor doing pushups.It's not fun but it makes
life easierin the lons run.

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 You MEenI'v Nor Lezy,SruproOn CnnzyT!

If you don't know what causedthe negativereaction,ask!You could

say,"I noticed you frowned when I said such and such. Is there a prob.
lem?"An altemative is to make a joke about your impulsivity.You
could saysomethinglike, "l have a bad caseof foot in mouth disease
today.Pleaselet me know if I've saidor done anyrhingout of line." A
lighthearted approachcan make it easierfor the other personto pro-
vide feedbackabout your behavior.

Welcome the Feedback: \7hen you receivethe feedback,LISTEN

TO IT! The advice is three simplewords.Respondingappropriatelyto
commentsabout your behavior,however,is anything but simple!Your
tendencymight be to put up your shield and go into auto'defense
and
attaakmode.You really should try to leaveyour shield at home or in
the trunk of your car.Remember,you can't do this all by yourself.You
needhelp.

/ \ '
5 a

L
O a
(/

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 INrERpncrNcIN AcrroN: IN GRoups ANo FRrrNosHrps

Think of this learning processas therapy.In physical therapy,for

instance,the sloganusedto inspirepatientsis, "No pain, No gain."
And of course,commentsdon't have to be negative.Don't be afraidto
askfor positive feedbackaswell and don't forget to thank the person
for taking the time to help you.

Careful listening is hard, acceptingcriticism is harder and changing

your behavioris the hardestof all. But theseareessentialpartsof your
recovery.Using feedbackto changeyour behaviorcan have a powerful,
positive impact on your socialsuccess.

Carefully Choose Your Social Activities: If you feel washedup and

wom out after everysocialevent, it might be time to rereadthe sec-
tion on balance.Be honestwith yourself.Do you attend thesefunctions
becauseyou want to or becauseyou feel compelledto? \fhen an
acquaintanceshareshis very full socialcalendar,do you feel somehow
that you just don't measureup socially?

There may be somesocialeventsthat you must attend. Preparecare-

fully for theseand do the bestyou can, but JustSay "No" to rhe others.
Be selectiveand baseyour decisionon a realisticassessment of your
abilitiesand disabilities.Small groupgatheringsmay work betterfor you.

This doesn'tmeanyou shouldgive up on learningand practicingyour

interfacing skills. You will need them everywherefrom PTA meetings
to officeplanning sessions. Justrememberthat there isn't a rule requiring
you to be a socialbutterfly.

Act II: Interfacing in One,to,One Encounters

Someof us preferlargegroupinteractionsthat enableus to remainsome-

'We
what anonymous. may feel far lesscomfortablein one-to-onerela-
tionshipsbecauseit's impossibleto hide. Our carefullyconstructed
shieldsdon't work well in closerelationshipsthat illuminate our short-
comings.

Even if your experiencesin relationshipshave beenunsuccessful,

don't
resignyourselfto solitaryconfinement.If you'vebeen working hard at
your recovery,you have knowledgeand skills you may have lacked

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before.Your newfoundunderstandingabout your balancesheetcan

supportyou asyou risk the self-disclosureinherent in developingclose
relationships.You can be successfulif you're awareof the potential
pitfalls and designstrategiesto avoid them.

In Act II, we'll studysomeother relationshipsin action. Theseare the

one-to-oneencounterswith friendsand acquaintances. Let'sseewhat
we can leam from them.

Ken
Ken looksup to seePaulwalking down the aisle.He runs over him,
expressingsurpriseand delight to seehim again so soon after their first
meeting. He asksif Paul receivedthe three messages he left for him on
his answeringmachine yesterday.He invites Paul to dinner that
evening and without waiting for an answer,beginsaskingwhat his
new friend would like to eat. Ken beginstelling his new friend all about
the cooking classeshe's taking and what he's leamed about designing
healthy menus.

Carolyn
Carolyn invites Jason,her new neighbor to join her for a cup of coffee.
She talks briefly about the neighborhoodand commentsthat she's
surehe'll like it much better than wherehe usedto live. Jasontells
her that he'll missthe cookoutshe usedto have with his three neigh-
bors.Carolyn respondsby telling him not to worry about it. She tells
him that in this neighborhood,fifteen families sharea block party
everysummer!Carolyn refills her coffeebut doesn'tnotice that Jason's
is empty.She respondsto his story about the tree househis son built
in their old yard,by gazingout her back door.She advises,"'V7ell,I bet
with my son'shelp, your boy will be able to build a really greattree
housein his new backvard."

Notes: Act II
Many of the rulesfor interactions
'We are the samefor both group and
individual encounters. must take tums listening and speaking,
watch for non-verbalbehaviorand monitor verbal and non-verbal
communication.Beyondthesesimilarities,though, individual
interactionsrequiresomewhatdifferentskills.

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 INrrnrRcrNcIN AcrroN: IN GnoupsANo FRrENosurps

Is your friendshipmode similar to Carolyn'sor Ken's?Don't worry if

you identify with either of them becausethey have a lot going for them.
With somerefinements,they could developgood interaction skills.

Ken showsgenuineaffection for Paul and is willing to work hard at

developingthis new friendship.What he needsto do is work equally
hard at not working so hard! He needsto learn to redirecthis foc.rs'
from his needsto his friend'sneeds.

Then there'sCarolyn. Desperatelywanting her new neighborto like

her and his new neighborhood,sheoverwhelmshim with her intensiry.
She needsto think about her wordsand review the messages shesends.
She needsto watch Jason'sbody languageand note his attemprsto
add commentsto her one-wayconversation.By singingthe praisesof
her neighborhood,she'strying to help him adjusrro his new home.
Jason'sbody languagewould give her a good clue that she'ssendingan
unintendedmessage of boastingand "one-uppi.tg".

Synopsis of Act II
There'sboth good newsand bad newsfor an ADDer in one to one
socialinteractions.The goodnewsis that theseencountersput fewer
demandson the ability to switch gears-there arefewerdetailsto track
and fewerpeopleto read.The bad news is that runing our is more
obvious-the focusis on him with no one to run interference!He
can't affordto take mind detoursbecausethere'sno one to pick up and
carry the conversationalball.

If you haven't come to termswith your disorder,one-to-onecommuni.

cation can be particularlyscary.You might talk yourselfinto failure.

"Whnt if shedoesn'tlikeme?"
"I don'thaqteanJthinginteresting to say,"
"He'sa professorandl barelyfinishedhighschool!"
"What if I forgethername?"
"What if I run out of rhingsto say?"

Engagingin negativeself-talkis destructivebecauseyou look at only

one sideof your equation.Never forget the other sideof your balance

r69
 You MEnNI'v Not Lnzv.SruptoOn Cnazv?!

sheet! Henry Ford said,"Whether you think you can or whether you
think you can't, you'reright." If you run from potential friendships,
you're acting and believing you can't On the other hand, if you affirm
yourselfasa capablepersonwho happensto have somedisabilities,
you are acting and believingJou can.
'We
Many of us have excellentpeopleskills. can leam to be greatlis-
teners,locking in our focusto give a flattering level of attention to the
other person.The rhythm of the exchangeis slowerand easierto fol-
low in one-to-one encounters.\7e can focus intently, noticing things
that othersmissand offeringsensitiveand empathicsupport.

You may be fortunate to have a closefriend. You may have several

closefriends.But if your friendshipsare rocky or shorter-livedthan
you'd like them to be, you may needto get to work. As you think about
your own skills in one-to-onerelationships,considerthesetips. They
may be usefuland give you addedconfidencein thesesituations.

Survival Tips for Act II

Relax and Listen: Don't feel you have to fill every secondwith con-
versation.ADDers tend to go to extremes,talking a mile a minute or
completelytuning out. Somesilenceis okay.If you check out alto-
gether,your companionwill think you'reuninterestedin what he has
to say.

The key to maintaining a correctbalancebetweenthe two extremesis

acrivelistening.Active listeningenablesyou to interactwithout filling
up the conversationwith your words.Send a message that you are
listening and interestedin what your companionhas to sayby nod-
ding your head,leaningforwardand maintaining eyecontact.

Watch his body languageand pay attention to the message

it sends.In-
terject commentsthat let your companionknow that you are listening.

you explninthata Littlemore?"

"Go on" . . ."TeIlme more". . ,"CoLLld

If you find yourselftalking excessivelyor feeling uncomfortableat a

lull in the conversation,shareyour confusion:

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 INrgnnncrNc IN AcrroN: IN GRoups ANo FRrENnsHrps

"Am I nlking toomuch?. . . I'ue run out of thingsto talk about. . .

Do youhnveany ideas?"

Clarify the Message: Rememberthat communication is an art form.

The clarity of the message has an impact on the listener'sunderstand-
ing. Moreover,each of us interpretslanguagefrom an individual frame
of reference.The intent of the messagecan be misinterpretedregard-
lessof how clearlyit is stated.

Statement: "Things&rea messin thishouse."

"He's accusingme of beinga slob."

Possible "He's telhingme to cleanup the house."
Interpretations: "He's just noticingand commenting on thesnte of
the house."

Although history may supporrthe first sraremenr,don'r jump ro con-

clusions.To avoid communicationmisunderstandings, clarify the way
you interpreted the message-restateit in your own words.

"# tfi,irlr,t,Yt
I shoutd
dosomething
about
Restated l(rT;tr
Interpretations: "Wen you saidthat,I thougfuyou were criticiTing
me.
Is that true?"
Effective ((r.t | .r ((r
"I thought " or "Wereyou saying
Jousaid..." ..."
Clarification:
'We
Avoid ttFightin' Words": talked about the importanceof active
listening.To ensurethat your companionwill interpret your message
accurately,take greatcarewith the wordsyou use.One sure-firemethod
for shutting down the channelsof communication is using the words
"yo,, always"or "you never'lStrike them from your vocabularyunless
you want a full scalebattle to eruptl Thesewordsfeel threateningand
accusatory. They assignblameand createfeelingsof defensiveness.Even
if your spouserarelyremembersyour anniversary,he has been around
for fifteen yearsand rememberingdatesmay be difficult for him.

A better technique is to rephraseyour words asl-messages

to commun-
icate your feelingsabouthow somethingaffectsyou. !7hen you use

17r
 You MEaNI'v Nor Lezy.SruproOn Cnazyl!

You-messages,you direct the focusto your listener and force him to

arguehis position.Here are someexamplesof the differencesbetween
thesetwo kinds of messages:

I,rt€ssflge: "When you didn't call yesterdnJ

, I wonderedtf youwere
madat me."
You,message3"YILLneuercaLIwhenJou sayyou wiIL"

I,rrr€ssage: "When you stnrtnlking before I' m finished, I f eeLtltnt wl'tat

I haqteto sayis unimportarLt"
You,message: "Why do you intenuptme aLlthe time?"

lUatch your listener'sbody language.If he looks puzzled,stop talking.

Ask him to clarifu his understandingof what you said.He may be hear-
ing somethingvery different from what you're trying to say.

There are many other usefulcommunication techniquesbut we hope

you get the ideafrom theseexamples.It might be helpful to increase
your learning experiencesby taking part in a classor group that prac-
ticestheseskills.The communicationsdepartmentof a local univer-
sity would be a good place to look for this kind of training.

Watch Your Intensity Level: ADD adults can be intense,passionate

and single-mindedaboutpersonalinterests.If you'renot careful,you
can scarea calmerpersonto death!

Be cautiouswhen you find yourselfdiscussingone of your favorite

subjectsor pet peeves.If you find the other personmentallyor
physicallybackingoff,lighten up! Tell a joke, aska questionor change
the subject.

An ADDer can get carriedawaywith a topic becauseof his intensity.

It can alsocausea more generalproblemthat pervadesthe whole re-
lationship. He often overwhelmsother peoplewith the ferocity of his
friendship.He might showera friend with sincere,but excessiveflattery
that leaveshim feelingembarrassedor wonderingif we're really teasing.
As Ken does,he might get physicallytoo close,obliviousto the other
person'sneedfor space.

17z
 INrrRrecrNc IN AsrroN: IN Gnoups ANo FRrENosHrps

l J t A pr
Bulrur
!3tnu'

Slow Down: Even if an ADD adult is adeptat verbal and non-verbal

communication, he can have difficulty maintaining a friendship over
the long haul. He doesn'twant to wait for the natural progressionof
phasesin developingrelationships.He may not be amunedto the
pacingand gradualeasinginto involvement,trying ro ger roo close,
too fast.

If this is a problemfor you, it may help to keep a diary or calendarthat

tracksyour behaviorin friendship-making.Don't just pick up the phone
to call your new acquaintanceuntil you check your joumal. Pencil in
when you make a contact and jot down notesabout the encounter,pay-
ing particularattention to the other person'sresponse. Indicatein your
joumal a date for your next contact and don't call or drop in before
that date!

In the next chapteqwe'll move on to relationshipsin the workplace.

Although our focuswill be on issuesof inter{acingand communication,
we'll alsodo a brief task analysis.\7e'11look at someof your jobson the
job and offer somesuggestions for improving your skills in someof them.
\7e'll also look at your relntionshipto yaurjob to help you analyzeany
failuresyou may be experiencing.This analysiswill include an impor-
tant question.Are you failing on your job or is your job failing you?

L?3
 CH.A.pren 9

in Actionl
lnterfacing
GettineAlongontheJob
Cur."r, can be made or desffoyedaccordingto how well we get along
with other peopleon the job. \Uork relationshipsare an interesting
variation on the theme of interfacing.There are elementsof both one-
to-one relationshipsand groupinteractions.The one-to-onerelation-
shipsof employeesaren't closefriendshipsbut requiresimilar main-
tenanceover time. Likewise,the groupinteractionsof employeesare
different from socialgatheringsin that they are ongoing.

In the one-to-onerelationshipsof friendshipsyou can choosethe people

with whom you'll shareyour time and personalinvolvement. The same
is true of the socialgatheringsyou attend-you can chooseto skip a
party if you aren't crazyabout the peoplewho will be there. But you
can't choosethe employeeswith whom you'll interact and you can't
choosethe meetingsyou'll attend.You have to interact with your co-
workersin a variety of settings.

The workplaceis a socialarenaand arguablya political one aswell.

Successon the job requiresgood interpersonalrelationshipsand an
abihty to understandthe "politics" within the work setting.Thesedy-
namicscreatesomeunique problemsfor an ADDer with shakycom.
munication skills.With her friends,shecan count on a degreeof under-
standingabouther ADD. With her colleagues, shehas to manageher
deficitswith greatfinesse.

As an adult with ADD, your success in the work world is alsolargely

dependenton how well you get alongwith your job. Becauseof your
particular deficits and differences,you have to carefullybuild a safety
net for your job asyou do for the other parts of your life. Are there

174
 IxrEnrRcxc IN AcrroN: GtrrrNc Ar-oNcOr.rTur Ton

somestrategiesyou can useto improvethe quality of your work?How

can you makeyour job work for you?Is your job the bestmatch for
your particularabilitiesand disabilities?In this chapter,we'll expand
interfacingto include thesespecificaspectsof iob managemenr.

Act III: Getting Along on the Job

Diane
Diane found her niche in salesand quickly becamea rop saleswoman.
Single-handedly,she increasedthe sales'volume of her d"putt-".,t
after being on the job only a few months. Her hard work and talents
wererewardedwith largecommissions,bonusesand a promotion to
the position of SalesManager.

Three months later,Diane startedtaking aspirinon a daily basisand

consideredgetting back into therapy.She recently found a crumpled
piece of paperon the floor and is trying to figure out what to do ubo.rt
it. The paperis a caricatureof her drawn by one of her salesm-en. In
the picture, she_
is towering over her salesforce,clutching a huge mega-
phone in both hands.\7ords are shooting out of the -egaphon"
raining down like fireworkson her "subjects"below. "r,l

Notes: Act III

Diane is a hardworking,energeticand creariveADD woman. She'san
excellentemployeewhoseperformancehasbeen noted and rewarded
by her superiors.So what is going wrong for her?

There are probably a number of explanationsfor the problemsDiane

is experiencingin her job. The most obviousis that her managerial
skillsaren't asgoodasher sellingskills.Sellinga product isn'r th. ,u*.
assellingpeopleon one'sideasfor managinga salesforce.Diane'ssocial
deficitsmay have caughtup with her. Although sheroserapidly ro an
administrativeposition, she is leaming that stayingup there is tricky.

Diane'simpulsivity may play a role in her problems.She is a can-do

womzlnwho is usedto getting the job done-nowl \fhen her salespeople
don't solveproblemsasfast asshe does,shegrabsher megaphort.
startsissuingdirectives.She greetsa questionabout her poftciesas"nd
a

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 You MEaNI'u Nor L,czv.SruptoOn Cnezv?!

hindrance to her sales'figures.She can't understandwhy someof her

employeesrefuseto work the samefifty or sixty hours shedoesevery
week.She rants and ravesthat shehas to do the work or it would
never get done.

Synopsis: Act III

The work environment is a mini-societygovemedby rulesformulated

ro prorect the rights and establishthe responsibilitiesof the peoplewho
work there.The relationshipsin a work environment are affectedby the
positionspeoplehold, individual personalitiesand 1obresponsibilities,
and multiple interpersonalrelationships.Although ADD adultsmay
have someunique problemsin this work setting,they are only one part
of the equation.

Large,complexorganizationshave a greatpotential for breakdown.

Many peoplearepart of work relationshipsand someof them alsohave
ADD or other disabilities.This makesfor somevery interest-ing
interfacing!Consider,for example:

The bosswho neqterseemsto Listenmd who asl<s of you.

tlrc impossible
The coworkerwho doggedlysdcksto herjob descriptioneuenwhen
deadlinesloomand colleagues for help.
are desperate
The bosswho contimnllymakeshisemergencJ, yorlrs.
The coworkerwho adnmantlyrefusesto take responsibility
for a
screw-up.

There isn't much you can do about the hidden agendasof fellow em-
ployees.If you rememberthat you'reonly one pieceof the puzzle,you
can view a situation from its properperspective.\7hen a work relation-
ship unravels,you shouldn't assumethat it's exclusivelyyour fault-or
your unreasonablecolleague's. Perhapsshe'sstrugglingwith deficits
similar to yours.As an adult with ADD, you shouldbe sensitiveto the
needsof colleagueswho might alsohave hidden disabilities.

\7hat doesall this meanfor you?It meansyou really have your work
in the world of work, you'll need to
cut out for you! To be successful
review many of the things we've talked about in previoussectionsof
this book. Reviewyour inventory and pay closeattention to your bal-
1,76
 lNrrnnncrNc IN AcrroN: GETTTNG
Ar-oNc ON THE lon

ance sheet.It will be an invaluable frameworkasyou begin to develop

your managementstrategies.If Diane paid attention to hers,shemight
decide to give up the higher pay and execurivetitle to do what she
doesbest-sell products.Let's take a look at someideasfor dealing
with problemsin the world of work.

Sunzival Tips: Act III

Rules, Procedures and Policies
Many ADDers harc to swallowthesebitter pills-unfortunarely there's
no way to sweetenthem! Unlessyou own your company,you have to
play by someoneelse'srules.You have to follow companyrules,proce.
duresand policiesbecauseyou don'r work in isolation.

Much asyou may hate your policy handbook, study it anyway.It out-
lines your companyt systemof govemment and chain of ssrnrnxni-
things such as who reports to whom and areasof individual respon-
sibilities.Youcan't leaverhis homework undone! You must be very
clear about where you fit within the overall structureto avoid over-
steppingyour boundsor failing ro carry our your responsibilities.

Make Sense of the Rules: Don't arbitrarily ignore the rules that don't
make senseto you. lUork at trying to understandtheir rationale.\Uhen
you're awayfrom work, talk with your spouseor a closefriend about
them. Make a list of all the policiesyou disagreewith and analyzeeach
of them. Do somehave validity for the organizationasa whole even
though you personallydisagreewith them?If so,you'll have to leam
to live with them.

Perhapsyou can set up a rewardsystemasa motivating tool. You may

decide that not being allowed to listen to rock music in the office is
totally unfair. You can't changethe rule but you can rewardyourself
for following it by treatingyourselfto a favorite tape during your break.

Question the Rules Carefully: You'veprobablyheard the adage,

"Rules are made to be broken." \7e suggestyou modify the words
slightly: "Rulesare madeto be changed."If a rule doesn'tseemto make
sensefor you individually or for the companyasa whole,questionit.
Make sureyour communication skills,particularlyyour listening skills,
are solidly in place.Think through the rule you're disputingand ap-

177
 You MEnNI'r',rNor Lxzv. SruproOn Cnazv?!

proach the appropriatepersonwith your question.And then listen.

If you receivethe response,".. .because I'm your boss,"you can forget

about doing anything beyondswallowingyour objectionsand toeing
the line. On the other hand, if your superioroffersinformation you
had overlooked,thank her for entertainingyour ideas.At least,you'll
have a readingon her assomeonewho is willing to negotiate.The
door will be open for future exchanges.

Sell Your Ideas: Although it's unwiseto challengeauthority at every

tum, questioningpoliciesand procedurescan be a positivequality.
Justdon't move too fast.Keepyour impulsivity in check and proceed
s-l-o-w-l-yand tactfully.Don't start shakingthings up after you've
beenon your new job exactlyforty-five minutes!

No one in the companywill buy your ideasif you are an unknown

quantity. First, you should demonstrateyour loyalty and dependability.
\7ork on building positiverelationships.Spendtime keepinga low
profile and doing what you'reexpectedto do. Arrive at work on time,
take one hour for lunch and not a minute more, and don't take advan-
tageof your sick days.After you've eamedthe respectof your super-
iors and coworkers,you can start making suggestions for change.

If you have a greatproposal,try it out on a trustedpersonin the infor-

mal office network to seeif it's workable.She can help you evaluateits
merits and confirm that you've included all the necessaryfactsbefore
you formally presentit.

Letting the bossthink shecameup with your idea is a time honored

method to facilitate change.A carefullyconceivedproposalthat fo-
cuseson the benefitsfor her asan individual and the company asa
whole, can also work. Make sureyou do your homework first. If you
come up with a new systemfor order processingwithout bothering to
find out that old one is your boss's"baby,"you probablywon't be in
her goodgraces!

Unwritten Rules, Procedures and Policies

You won't find everything you need to know in the company'spolicy
handbook. Much of the vital information is unwritten and is part of
an informal network of office politics, rules,proceduresand policies.
This network is the office grapevinethat reflec$ the complexdynamics

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 INrsRrncrNcIN AcrroN: GErrrNcAr-oNcON TUElon

of the peoplewho work together.It holds the inside information about

the real power structurein an organization.For instance,a secretary
who isn't officially high on the chain of command,may wield enor.
mouspower.With detailed knowledgeabout the company and ready
accessto the boss,she may have great influence within the company.
The real chain of command may operatethrough her, bypassingthe
vice-presidentwho is simply a figure-head.

Get Inside the Inner Circle: If you have trouble figuring out the
informal network, develop a relationship with someonewho seemsto
know what'sgoing on. Gradually draw her out to leam how the com-
pany operates.Take it easy,though. Usually the employeesin "the
know" are old-timerswho have eamedtheir statusand play their roles
to the hilt. If you try to make an instant friendshipor start grilling
someoneover lunch, you may find her unwilling to divulge her know-
ledge.You'll need to earn her respectto enter the inner circle.

Follow the Unwritten Rules: If written policy dictatesthat memos

shouldbe sent to Mr. S and Ms. T, don't fail to sendone to Mr. R. if the
unwritten rulescall for it. It won't sit well with your bossor employeesif
you fail to let them know what you're doing or forget to sharevital in-
formation. They don't know or careabout your memoryproblemsand
attention deficits.They'lI view you asan arrogantemployeewho won't
acceptauthority or considerthe opinions or feelingsof subordinates.
Make a list of theseinformal procedures.Use your checklistto be sure
you'refollowing properformal and informal procedures.Better still,
you may want to carry a small calendaror notebookwhereyou keep
theseconfidentialmaterials,especiallyif employeesin your work site
don't lock their desks.

Technology and Communication

Since we've alreadytalked about the dynamicsof communicationin
variousrelationships,we won't repeatourselves.Review the informa-
tion about communication skills and continually practice and rehearse.
Our discussionand suggestions here will be the dimensionsof commu-
nication that are somewhatunique to work settings.

Communication is the transmissionof messages from one personor

group to another.lfe've focusedon communication asspokenwords
and body languagebut in the workplace,it is frequently in the form of

179
 You MrnN I'u Nor Lazy.SruproOn Cnazy?!

written expression.Businesseshave alwaysrelied on written documen.

tation and record-keeping. Now there'sa high tech twist-the price
sheetis faxed,the ad is scanned,the memo is E-mailedand the report
is networkedlThis is anothergoodnews/badnewssituationfor ADDers.

For the Good News-High tech equipment,particularly the computer,

may be the best thing that's ever happenedto an ADDer. k won't pur
gasin your car beforeyour businesstrip but it can remind you to do it!
It will check the spellingand grammarof your lettersand sendthe
contents,alreadyformatted,to the printer. You don't even have to wait
impatiently at the door for the mail carrier.In a flash,your computeror
fax machine with a little help from the telephonecompany,can send
inquiriesand receiveresponses.

For the Bad News-Haqte youheardrhe jokeaboutthe employee who

got his ne caughtin thefax machineand"endeduDin Neq, Yorkt Three
things may have happenedwhen you readthis little tidbit:

1.Nothins,ilr*:#:fi:,'lif;;:ff""1,:".""'e vou
If fax machineshad this capability,you can think
2. You laughed: of at leastone personin your office who would rou-
tinely end up in anotherstate.

If fax machineshad this capability,you know that

3. You cried: the personroutinely ending up in New York would
be you.

Eachof theseresponses illustratesthe disadvantages of modem technol-

ogy.E-mail, networking, scanningand faxing may mean absolutely
nothing to you. This isn't a reflectionof your IQ! It's mind-boggling
how rapidly new methodsfor transmitting information have developed.

\Uhile this book isn't a training manualfor high tech equipment,it

wouldn't be completewithout a discussionabout technology'simpact
on communication.Even if you approacha TV remotecontrol with
fear and trepidation, you might have to usethe fax machine and tele-
phone that have more buttons than the front of your shirt!

180
 INrrnrRcrNcIN AcrroN: GErtrNc Ar-oNcON TnE Joe

WSLGOMG'
Nrw voBh

Let's take a quick tour of the world of high tech computersand their
relatives.What can and can't they dol How can you leam to usethem
so you don't fax yourselfout of stateor maneuveryourselfout of a job-
you know, when your cartoon of your bossDiane inadvertently ends
up on her computer screeninsteadof your buddy's?And finally, how
can you usethem to your advantage?

Computer and ADD Compatibility: Computersare similar to people.

They come in a variety of shapes,sizesand colors.Eachhas its own
"personality"and communicationstyle.If your office usesseveraldif-
ferent kinds of computers,you might have a choice about which kind
to use.Matching your leaming styleto your computeris important.

Briefly, you communicatethrough a Macintosh computer with meta-

phors (visualchannel) and an IBM with words(auditorychannel). If
you're starting out on either one and having a terrible time, don't jump
to the conclusionthat you are computerilliterate! You and your
181
 You MrnN I'ruNor Lazy,SruproOn Cnnzy?!

computermay simply have communicationproblemsbecauseof

learningstyles'incompatibility.

Written Expression-Memos, Letters and Reports: A compurer

can perform incredible featsif you arc computercomfortable.You may
find it very helpful in your job. It can relieveyou of the tedium of de-
tails and becomeyour personalsecretary.Even if you usespellcheckers
and word processingprograms,however,you might continue to have
problemswith written expression.

If the writing requirementsof your job are primarily intemal memos

and businessletters,considerbuying an easyto usesoftwarepackageof
templates.Templatesare preparedgenericlettersfor everything from
order confirmationsto congratulationsfor a colleague's job promotion.
With the software,you choosea template that matchesyour need,
changethe namesand dates,and presto-you have a polishedbusiness
document.In the appendixof this book we've listed severalavailable
softwarepackages.Check with your dealeror the adults in your support
group for other suggestions.

If your responsibilitiesinclude writing reportsand other more complex

documents,you can still usevarioustemplatesasyour frameworkbut
will need to do the actualwriting yourself.Remedialwriting classes may
help you work on shakywriting skills. Considerworking with a tutor or
checkingout continuing educationclasses at your local university.

You shouldalsorememberto usesomeof the bypassstrategieswe talked

about in previouschapters.If you have a secretary, dictate your letters.
Otherwise try using a tape recorderto "write" your first drafts.Your
ideasmay flow more easilyif you talk first and write later. Show your
work to a sympatheticcolleaguefor a critique beforeyou sendit out.

Don't forget to usebarteringasa tool to bypassyour weak writing skills.

For example,you can collaboratewith a coworkerwho writes clearly
but has problemsgeneratingoriginal ideas.Togetheryou may be able
to write reportsthat outshineany either of you could producealone.

Office Equipment and Cheat Sheets: Many peoplehave trouble

usingmechanicalor technical equipmenr.This isn'r exclusivelya
problem for folk with ADD. But someof the ADD differencesdo

T82
 INrERnRcrNcL.,-ActtoN: GgrttNc AI-oNc ON THE los

compoundthe problem.

You've seenhow increasingcomplexity has an impact on your perfor-

mance.This is true whether you'redoing math problems,interacting
with largegroupsof peopleor figuring out how to usea complicated
telephonesystem.

Related to this is an impaired memory.How many times have you ap-

proachedthe duplicatingmachineto hand-feeda two-sideddocument
and couldn't rememberhow to do it? Ten tries later, with the waste-
basketoverflowing with pagesreversedand printed upsidedown, you
finally get it right! Not only have you wastedan entire packageof
paper,you've alsowastedvaluabletime.

You probably should make a cheat sheetfor yourself.Make a list or

chart of the proceduresand tape it to the top of the duplicating mac-
hine. If you sharethe machine with others,you may need to keep your
set of directions in your deskdrawer.Do the samething for the fax
machine,telephone,etc. You might find that this memoryby-pass
systemultimately helpsyou to memorizethe procedurebecauseyou
usemulti-sensoryleaming asan anchor.You seethe directionsasyou
perform them.

Work,Related Stress and ADD

An ADDer's bossmay compliment her on the quality of her work but
expressconcem about the quality of her relationshipswith coworkers.
Superiorsand subordinatesalike might complain that working with
her is difficult. They are probablycommenting on her generalirrita-
bility and moodinesswhich are,of course,symptomaticof her disorder.

These symptomstypically get worseasdemandsfrom the environment

increase.Although the symptomscan't be eliminated,their severity
can be minimizedby managingstresslevelsin the work environment.
The generalstrategiestaught in stressmanagementprogramsare useful
but there are others more specificfor the unique problemsof ADDers.

Noise, Doors and Telephones: First, try to figure out the sourceof
your stress.If the sourceis everythingaboutyour job, you might be in
the wrong vocation! Our guessis that noiseprobablycontributesa
greatdeal to your stress.Intrusionsof noisecan be very distracting
183
 You MEnNI'r,,rNor LAZr,SruproOn Cnnzy?!

and irritaring.

If you have an office with a door you can shut for periodsof time, take
advantageof it! There are important reasonsfor keeping your door
open. An openeddoor sendsthe messagethat yor, asan
active participant in the work environment. But you "r"have
"rr"il"bl.
to balance
the need to maintain work relationshipswith your needfor quiet to
handle the detailsof your job.

Explain to your coworkersthat you can't concentrateon detailed work

when there is excessivenoise.Then closeyour door. You don't have to
tell them about your ADD. Many peopleare botheredby noise and
will understandyour need to work without interruption. Just make it
clear that this is your problem.You haven'r closediout dbor because
you don't like your coworkers!

Your shouldn't retreat behind your closeddoor any longer rhan abso-
lutely_necessary._\7hen the detailedconcenrrarior,*oik is over, open
your door, literally and figuratively.Don't allow yourselfro ger so in-
volved with a task that you snarl at a colleaguewho comesin for a
consultation.

You will win brownie points if you're only availableduring cerrain

hours but are calm and welcomingwhen your door is operi.Even if
this meanstaking someof your work home, it may be wbrth it if you
can minimizeyour stressduring work hours.

Tb. sameprinciple appliesro rhe telephone.Your work quality and

telephonemannersmight improve if you schedulea designatedrime
for handling telephonecalls.You'll accomplishmuch mo"rewithout
the constant interruptions.Beforeyour scheduledtelephonetime,
you'll have time to gathereverythingyou'll need to handle the calis in
a friendly and efficient manner.

You may be thinking,

_"Theseideassoundgreat,but I don't have any
control over my schedule"or "l don't even have my own office". If you
work in an open_area whereyou can't closethe door, is it possiblefor
you to wearheadphoneswhen you need to concentrate?You could lis.
ten to music asyou work or a tape of white noise if music is distracting.

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 INrEnrnctNc IN AcrtoN: Grt"rtNc At-oNc ON THrJon

Your bossmight be more amenableto suggestionsif you offer them as

waysto improve your efficiency.Document your increasedproduc-
tivity to convince her that thesestrategiesreally work. Again, you
don't have to shareyour diagnosisunlessyou'reconfident she'll act on
your disclosurein a positive way.

If you feel that you have no control over your schedule,are you abso-
lutely surethat's the case?A number of corporationshave experimented
with designatedhours for employeephone calls.They have found
that the decreasein interruptions throughout the day improvespro-
ductivity. Approach your bossabout this. Ask if your office or group
could experiment with designatedphone hours or even designated
quiet time for work that requiresheavy concentration.

Talk with coworkersto find out if noise and interruptionsbother them.

Chancesare, they probably alsohave trouble with excessivedistrac-
tions. Enlist their support.You may be able to make changesin your
workplacethat will make the environment more user-friendlyfor every-
one. It may be surprisingto you, but thesestrategiesare taught in time-
managementcourses.You may elicit supportfor thesechangesunder
the guiseof wanting to manageyour time more effectively.

If you try everything and still can't control the noise and intermptions,
rhink seriouslyabout looking for a new job or even a different line of
work. The stresslevel from a highly distracting environment can be a
threat to your mental health. Are you failing or is your work failing you?

Miscellaneous Strategies
For easeof readingwe've tried to group the managementstrategies
into categories.The onesthat follow don't really fit anywhereelse,so
we've includedthem togetherin this section.

Thke Your Medicine: This probablygoeswithout saying,but if you

need to take medicine to manageyour symptoms,make sureyou take
it during your work hours. Your ability to handle details and interrup-
tions will improve. Moreover, the condition of your finger nails and
the anxiety of your office mate will probablyalsoimprove! As an ADD
adult, you may not be in perpetualmotion anymorebut may have
masreredthe art of foot tapping, finger drumming and knuckle cracking.

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This constant fidgeting can be exrremelyannoying to other people.

Thesebehaviorsare definitely not conducive to improving interpersonal
work relationships.

Manage Your Symptoms: Actively work on your problematicADD

behaviorsto decreasethem or makethem lessnotic""bl". Try substituting
a behaviorthat is lessdistractingto other people.Can you move your
handsor swing your leg under the deskso that no one seesyou doing it?
Thppingyour fingersagainsteachother is quieterthan kickrng your desk
or drumming your fingerson the desktop.Can you gnaw on the top of
your pencil so you look asif you aredeeplyengrossedin your work?

How aboutusingyour "closeddoor time" to spin happily on your desk

chair?What about carefullyspacedtrips to the warer fountain, file
cabinet or duplicating machine?Volunteer ro run needederrands.Find
acceptableexcusesto ger up from your deskperiodically.

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Control Your Foot in Mouth Disease: Have you ever filed a medical
insuranceclaim for FootinMouthDisease?It may not be on the list of
coveredmedical conditions but if you have ADD, you probablyhave
itl This condition causesan ADDer to spendmost of her life with at
leastone foot in her mouth becauseshedoesn'tmonitor what she says
beforeshe saysit! It's no wonder she stumblesalong in work relation-
ships.Hopping on one foot while extricating the other from the
mouth makesit difficult to managethe detailsof a job!

Of coursewe're talking about that troubling impulsivity of our ADD

that keepsgetting us in hot water.It got us poor gradesin conducton
our schoolreport cardsand getsDiane an unsatisfactorygradeasa man'
ager.A thoughtlessremarkor a poorly wordedmemo can makeenemies
and even contribute to the lossof a job.

Our adviceto you on this one is to Be a S.T.A.R. You have to work

hard to srifleyourselfat work. Monitor everyword that comesout of
your mouth and think twice beforesayinganything. Beforeyou speak,
act or approachsomeone,remind yourselfto stop and think, look, and
listen. \fhen you take action, reflecton the resultsof your actions.If
necessary, glue a largeS.T.A.R. on your desktopasa memory teaser
for Stopping,Thinking, Acting, and Reflecting.It will take a lot of
effort to pull this off. You may need to rewardyourselfby finding a like-
mindedindividual you can trust. Together,you can let off steamat
lunch or during breaks

Review Chapter 8 Again: All the issueswe discussedin group and

one.to-one interfacing apply to the work setting.Refer to the strategies
in the previouschapterfor continued work on interpersonalrelation-
shipsand communication.

The remainderof this chapter is a departurefrom the format we've

been following. We'll usethis discussionto explorethe questionwe
posedearlier:"Are you failing in your job, or is your job failing you?"

What Do You Want to Do When You Grow Up?

Have you ever pouredover the want adsin the newspaperlooking for
a job that matchesyour qualifications?How many times have you
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closedthe newspaperwithout respondingto even one inquiry because

you couldn't find a match?Let your ADD imagination roam io, u ,rro.
ment and pretend you've just seenthe following ad:

WeNrnn
Fast growing company looking for one special employee!
The perfect candidate will be someone who h.r,
difficulty with rulesand authority,
ineffectivecommunicationskills,
trouble switching betweenasks,
an intoleranceto noise,
an inability to handle interruprions,
an irritable, moody,unpredictableand impatient personality,
an intrusive, impulsive and hyperactivebehavior style.

Now, there'sa job_designed for ADDers! But let'sget back to reality.

The chancesare slim to none that you'll ever come acrossan ad like
that, Don't just tossit aside,though, until you take a closerlook. To
do this, you'Il need to refer to your inventory again.Use your creative
thinking and growing awarenessof your ADD to hypo-
thesizeabout waysro useboth sidesof the equation."drr".rt"g.i

Negative OR Positive Qualities?

difficulty
withrulesandauthority I develops
possibilities problems
andsolves
impaired
communication
skills I onlywithexcessive
complexity
trouble
withswitching
gears to getonejobdonewell
I superfocus+ability
intolerance
to noise to getonejobdonewell-
I superfocus+ability
if it'squiet
inability
to handle
interruptions I superfocus+ability
to getonejobdonewell-
in smallsetting
irritability,
impatience I shaking
up complacency;
getting
thingsdone
intrusive
andimpulsive I notsobadin a smallsetting;
energizing
hyperactive I getting
thingsdone:stimulating

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Whether you're twenty, forty or sixty yearsold, it's not too late to reas-
sesssomeof your life choices.Your assetand liability sheetmay help
you evaluatethe questionabout job failure.Perhapsthe job you'rein
is deadwrong for you.

Vocational Planning: For our young ADD adult readerswho are

consideringtheir future professions, pay carefulattention to our want
ad and list of positive and negativequalities.You may decidebased
on your interestand math aptitude,that accountingis an obvious
choice for you. Beforeyou spendsubstantialtime and money on a
collegeeducation,give plenty of thought to your balancesheet.You
may love math but do you love detailsand paperwork?If not, the
painstakingdetail of accountingwork may bore you to tears.If your
real love is the creative,problem-solvingaspectof mathematics,you
might be happierin certain kinds of engineeringor computerwork.

To avoid costlymistakes,do your homeworkfirst. Check with your

local supportgroup about vocational counselorsin your area.There
isn'r to our knowledge,vocational testing designedspecificallyfor
ADDers. But you may be able to latch on to a competentprofessional
with experiencein ADD issues.The information gainedfrom voca-
tional testingcan supplementyour balancesheetand help you make
important decisionsabout additionaltraining or higher education.

If you can get by without the eamingsof a summerjob, considerusing

your free time to do volunteerwork in your field of interest.You'll
learn a greatdeal more about a professionby experiencingit firsthand
than readingabout it in a book.

Talk to peoplein the professionyou'reconsidering.Ask them detailed

questionsabout what they do every day.Find out what they like and
dislike about their work and think abouthow this fim with your new self-
knowledge.Are you cut out for spendingmuch of your working day
writing lectures,gradingpapersand going to endlesscommitteemeet-
ings?If not, you may needto rethink your decisionaboutusingyour love
of literatureto becomea collegeprofessor.Perhapsbecominga freelance
writer would be a more rewarding,though lesslucrative,choice.

If you want to attend collegebut have only a vagueidea of your future

careerinterests,try to attend a university that offersa variety of degree

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 You MpnNI'ruNor Lezy,SruproOn Cnezy?!

programs.Talk with a collegecounselorabout the coursework in various

programs.Creditsoften applyacrossdegreeprograms.You can usecredits
you'vealreadyeamedin a new programif you decideto switch your
major.If you plan carefully,you can savewastedtime, effiortand money.

You're Grown Up and Still Asking:

"What Do I Want to Do When I Grow (Jp?"
Even if you've investedtons of money and time in your careerand
current job, you don't necessarilyhave to throw it all away.Beforeyou
decideto jump ship, thoroughly examineyour currenrsituation.In
many careers,there is latitude for changewithin the profession.Psy-
chiatric and community health nursing,for example,requirecreative
problem-solvingand a gestaltapproach.Unlike hospitalnursing,they
don't includeextensivedetail work. In teaching,possibilitiesexist for a
changeof gradelevel or subjectmatter.There are alsooptions for super-
visoryor counselingpositions.

Find Your Niche: Perhapsthe job you need is the one you already
have,with a twist. You might be ableto find or negotiatea job descrip-
tion that fits your abilities and offersunique benefitsro your company.
You may be thinking about beginninga degreeprogramin counseling
becauseyou feel that you'rewastingyour peopleskills.Beforeyou acr
on your decision,considerpossibilitieswithin your cuffenr organization.
Many businesses offer training and consultationservicesto their em-
ployees.Can you becomethe in-housetrainer or consultant?With
your individual talentsand someseminartraining, you can offer your
servicesat a fraction of the cost your companytypically incurs in hiring
outsideconsultants.Your companymay even be willing to pay for the
additionaltraining you'Il need.

Match Yourself With Your Job-Start Your own Business: May-

be you'renot a perfectcandidatefor someone's want ad and will need
to designa job to fit your qualifications.Is the oversupplyof rulesand
regulationscoupledwith the snail'spaceof changein a largeorganiza-
tion, unbearable? Perhapsyou shouldexplorewaysof working by and
for yourself.The difficultiesyou experiencein someoneelse'sbusiness
may disappearwhen the businessis your own.
You may be able to usethe niche you developedwithin your organi.
zation asa jumping-offplacefor other businessopportunities.As you

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Ar-oNc ON THr los

continue to collect a paycheckand gain invaluableexperience,you

can begin networking outsideyour company.You may at somepoint
decide to go off on your own and contract with your previousemploy-
er and other relatedbusinessesto offer your services.

As a consulhnt, you have the advantageof being your own boss.It can
be easierto ignorearbitraryrulesand rigid peopleif you aren't a perm-
anent employee.You don't have to get caughtup in the office politics
and can move on when policiesand peoplestartgettingon your nerves.
And it's usuallyeasierto be on your bestbehaviorwhen you'rein a new
situationonly for a short time. You may alsobe ableto retain someof the
benefitsof workingfor someoneelse-use of office equipment,secretarial
supportand the establishednetwork of businesscontacts.

If you chooseto join the ranksof many ADD adultswho start their
own businesses, do it carefully.Thke a hard look at your balancesheet
and your list of perceivedfinancial needs.Can you affordfinancially
and emotionally to live with lesswhile you work at developingyour
own business?

If you decideto take the calculatedrisk of working for yourself,useyour

list of assetsto explorepossibilitiesthat offer the bestmatch. Keep in
mind that working on your own ofrersflexibility but requireslong hours
in the initial stagesof establishingyour business.It alsorequiresgreat
self-discipline.

With no time clock and policy handbook,you'll needto be very careful

to establisha firm scheduleand set of rulesto keepyourselfon track.
After you'vecompletedyour self assessment, seekthe assistance of a
professionalto help you develop a businessplan for the first three to
five yearsof your new endeavor.A businessplan will provide the struc-
ture, schedulesand task list an ADDer needsto stayon track.

Temporary Work: Rather than establishingyour own business,you

might try temporarywork asa satisfactorycompromisebetweenself-
employmentand working for someoneelse.In temporarywork, you
"rent" your skillsby the hour, day or longerbut usuallywork for an
agencythat employsa number of temporaryworkers.

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 You MpnNI'u Nor Lxzy.SruproOn Cnnzy?!

Temporarywork offersseveraladvantages.The ADDer can satisfya

restlessnature by changingjob settingsfrequently.Another advantageis
the ability to control the hours of work. Many of us find a standard
forty-hour,five-daywork week incompatiblewith our unique capacities.
Some of us find full time work too taxing. Others prefer working for
long stretchesand then taking largeblocks of time off. Many ADDers
are alsonight people,unableto function well until the aftemoon.In
temporarywork, unusualworking pattemscan often be accommodated.

If you'refairly adaptableand can get alongwith peoplefor short periods

of time, temping may work well for you. Of courseit doesn't offer
carte blanche to do anything you please.If you're irresponsibleabout
completingtasksor developa reputationfor being difficult, you'll
stop getting assignments.

If you have had a history of employmentfailure,useyour new self-

knowledgeto reassess the reasonsfor it. Your awareness of your balance
sheetcan help you realisticallyanalyzeyour situation,sortingout the
problemsthat result from your behavior and those that are related to
the behaviorsof others.You may be in a better position to figure out
whether you have failed on your jobs or your jobs have failed you. Your
new insightsmay even help you becomemore acceptingof the quirks
of your colleagues.

Your main goalsshould be to improve your work relationshipsand limit

the time you spendin interactionsthat are difficult for you. You may
decidethat you can and shouldmake somebehavioralchanges.You
may decidethat you shouldchangeyour job or career.You may decide
that you've alreadymadethe correct choicesand are happy with them.

If you decidethat somechangesare in order,move slowly and thought-

fully. Although you need to baseyour decisionson your individual
strengthsand weaknesses, don't forget to include your family in the
decision-makingprocess.

Maintaining friendships,surviving in groupencountersand interacting

on the job aren't easytasks.But developingintimate relationshipscan
be even more difficult. In the next chapter,we'll tum to Interacting,
Acts IV and V. \7e'11watch somescenestaking place in dating and

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 INrrRnRcrNc
IN Acrrox: GrrrrNc Ar-oNcON THEloe

family relationships.Thesehigher risk relationshipssharesomeelements

of the oneswe've alreadyexamined.But they are unique in their depth
and complexity and requirespecialcareand nurturing. We'll offer some
specificideasyou can useto make them work successfully.

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 CuRpren 10

lnterfacing
ln 6ction:
ln theDatin€GarneandtheFarnilv
Tn" "rules" of dating and family relationshipsare similar to thoseof
groupand one-to-onerelationships.The level of complexityand emo-
tional investmentis very different,however.And the stakesare much
higher if the relationshipsfail.

Act Mhe Dating Game

Sharon and Brad
Sharonretums from work to the four messages
Brad left on her answering
machine.She told him lastweek that shedoesn'twant to seehim any-
more but he.isunwilling to accepther decision.He'ssurethat she
doesn'treally mean it.

He drivesto her apartmentcomplexlate eachnight and leavesnotes

under her windshieldwipers.He callsher at work severaltimes a day
and showsup at her door with flowersand gifts. Brad is heartbroken
becausehe knows that Sharon is the only woman with whom he wants
to spendthe rest of his life. Sharondoesn'tknow it, but she is Brad's
third "only woman I'11ever love" in the pastyear.Brad falls deeplyin
love-again and again.
Angela and Simon
Angela and Simon spendeverywaking hour together.They are truly
in love and Simon is planning the perfecttime and placeto propose
to her. He met Angela just a few weeksagobut winesand dinesher
almosteveryday.

As weekstum into months,Angela beginsto orchestratesomeconflicts

that preventher from seeingSimon. \fhen they are togetherthey

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 INrERrRcrNcIN AcrroN: IN THE DnrrNc Gavr ANn TUE Favnv

have a wonder{ultime, but Angela is beginningto feel a bit closedin.

One afternoon,she asksSimon to stopby her house.\7hen he arrives,
anotherman answersthe door. He tells Simon that Angela is busy
and can't seehim now.

Notes: Act IV

With the exceptionof Sharon,all the actorsin the precedingscenes

have ADD.'We can only speculateaboutwhy Brad,Angela and Simon
feel compelledto behaveasthey do.

Brad may approachhis new relationshipashe approaches projectsat

work-with intensity and impulsivity.He may be accustomedto mak-
ing quick decisionsand getting things done in a hurry. Unfortunately
he doesn'tunderstandthat he can't control the women in his life the
way he doesthe factsand figureson his sales'plans.He can't enjoy
positive relationshipsand doesn'tgive himself time to considerhis
needs-he never evaluatesthe reality of his feelingsof love.

Brad'sproblemswith his relationshipsmay alsoresultfrom his bat-

teredsenseof self.He may be one of the walkingwounded,believing
that he can be emotionallywhole only when he has a "better halfl'
Men and women alike can have unrealisticexpectationsaboutbeing
savedby relationship.But the powerfulmyth of Prince Charming
" an illusion with greaterappealto women.
seemsto be

Angela'sbehavior may reflect her insatiability.Although shegenuinely

enjoyed Simon'scompanyduring the first months of the relationship,
she may have becomebored. She has an ADDer's tendency to become
absorbedquickly in relationshipsand to becomeboredby them just as
quickly.As the initial, intensestimulationof her romancehasdwindled,
so hasher interestin it. Although Angela probablydoesn'tchart her
conquests,shemay leavea trail of discardedpartners,including Simon,
as a reminder of her frequent, intense affairs.

Clearly,this behaviorisn't unique to ADDers. Adults may behavethis

way for a variety of reasons.The specificsymptomsand differencesof
an ADDer, however,can engenderthis lessthan admirablebehavior.

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 You MraN I'u Nor Lezy.SruploOn Cnnzy?!

Apart from the moral issueof hurting other people,this callousrreat-

ment is alsoself-destructive.The Don Jwn (or DomtaJwn!) lifestyle
is initially exciting but getsold and lonely after a while. Over time even
friendswho previouslyenjoyedhearingabout the escapades, stop asking
about them. An ADDer's chance to form an intimate bond is under.
mined by the reputationthat precedeshim.

While Angela nrns from a closerelationshipwith Simon, he runs head-

long towardsit. In most relationshipsthere'sa subtle or nor so subtle
tension betweenthe desireto be closeand a fear of that closeness.Simon
seemsto desperatelyfight for closeness.Angela seemsto desperately
fight to protect her individuality which she thinks is threatenedby
the closeness.

Simon'simpulsivity may alsoplay into the demiseof his relationship

with Angela. He drivesthe relationshipwith his needfor closeness.
Angela'sinsatiabilityaside,shemay be terrified that Simon will "swal-
Iow" her individuality. Given time, it's possiblethat her love for Simon
would win out over her fearsof closeness. But shenever getsthe chance
becauseSimon'sintenseneedfor closeness tips the precariousbalance
of their relationshipmuch too quickly.Angela would rather loseher
love than her identity.

Synopsis:Act IV
It soundspretty gloomy,doesn'rit? Is it time to head our to a hermir's
hut? \7e11,if you've beenpayingarrention-sorry, we couldn't help
it-you know how we feel about doom and gloom. It's fine for disaster
movies on the big screenbut it's counterproductiveto your recovery.

Intimate relationshipsare a sensitive,delicatevariation on the theme

of communication and interfacing. They are danceschoreographed
with intricate stepsand have greatpotential for disaster.

Dating relationshipsare vulnerableto an ADDer's intensity and im-

pairedcommunicationskills.His enthusiasmor sparklecan be a srrong
magnetthat initially attractshis love interesr.But over time, his level
of intensity can suffocatehis lover. She'sleft gaspingfor breath and
backing awayto get somespace.The ADDer, comfortablewith the

t96
 INrpnrecrNcIN AcrroN: IN Tur Dnrnc Gavr ANn THEFnvny
I

/,\
L-i

" \
\
{t\
intensepace,may not recognizehis lover'sneed for a gradualprogres-
sion to closeness.Unlesshe is good ar finding peoplewho sharehis
intensity,he must teach himself to control his impulsesand slow down.

In a romantic or sexualrelationship,an individual risksrevealinghim-

selfbig time! Everyonesharesthis risk which is the inherent narureof
intimacy.The risk can be greaterfor the ADDer who hasfailed so many
timesand in so many differentways.His generalized feelingsof inade-
quacy,bome of differenceshe'snever understood,can explodewhen he
bareshis soul and body to a partner.When he daresto revealhimself
to a lover who subsequently rejectshim, he can suffera seriousblow to
his fragileself-worth.

Someadultsexperienceongoingdifficultiesin intimate relationships

becausethey regardthem assafeports from their feelingsof inadequacy.
Even with changingroles,many familiesstill condition their daughters
to believethat the rolesof wife and mother will prorecrthem. An
ADD woman'slife of negativeexperiencescan reinforcethis myth.
She may believe that the only escaperoute from her demandinglife is

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through a weddingring and then a diaperbag.She comesto view a

partner as a lifeline or safetynet and may scaresuitorsawaywith the
weight of her clinging dependency.

PR: "A closefriend of mine hasbeenmarriedand divorcedthree times.

Beforethe ink wasdry on her divorce degree,she invariably fell in
love again.After her seconddate with a new man, shewould call me
to describeher new love. This wasthe one! I often enviedher ability
to find so many suitablematcheswhile I found myselfhung up on one
from which I couldn't extricate myself.

As she continued falling in and out of love, I sat waiting for my knight
in shining armor.\fhen he finally arrived,he came in the form of a
newly divorcedman involved in a new, intenselong-distancerelation-
ship. Though we ADDers aren't known for our patience,I wasvery
patient. I ignoredhis repeatedwamingsthat he wasin love with someone
elseand really wasn'tinterestedin a long term relationshipanyway.
For four years,while my friend remarriedand divorced, I hung around
waiting for my reluctant love to fit me into his busysocialcalendar.

To saythis waspainful is putting it mildly. I truly believedthat he was

my lifeline-l knew with my whole being that I would drown without
him. My sightswere set on marryinghim. I knew that my tortured self-
esteemwould be healedonly when I had his name.I'm surethe only
reasonmy dependencydidn't totally overwhelmhim wasthat he was
so incrediblyindependent.

Eighteenyearsand two children later,my reality haschangedconsid-

erably,not becauseheandme did ultimately becomeoue,but in spite
of it! BecomingMrs. did saveme but not in the way I had imagined.
\7hen my lifeline tumed into a weightedanchor that draggedme under
insteadof securelyholding he, I cut it loose.

No, I didn't divorcehim. Incrediblywe're still togetherand the we is

still a big part of us. I changedthe equationby addinga stronger,more
self-reliantme into it. I alsocut everypicture of PrinceCharming out
of my daughter'sstorybooks.. ."

SomeADDers do just fine with intimate relationships-you may be

involved in a positive,fulfilling one right now. Or, you may be taking
sometime to regroupafter a relationshipyou'vechosento end. On

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the other hand, you may be strugglingwith repeatedfailuresin your

attemptsto connect with a significantother. If you are,you'll need to
analyzethe reasonsfor your failures.

We didn't useour storiesto illustrate what will go wrong in your rela-

tionshipsbut what might go wrong. An ADD adult'sdifferencescan
contributeto problemsin maintaining intimate relationships.By under-
standingthe dynamicsof your disorder,you may be able to figure
out what'sgoing wrong. If you'reawareof potential hazards,you can
be preparedthe next time you meet someonespecial,to stop and think
beforeyou act.

Having clarifiedour message-an important part of positive communi.

cation -we'll look at somewaysto avoid the pitfalls and improve the
quality of your relationships.Here are a few pointerson successfully
playingthe dating game.

Survival Tips: Act IV

Play Hard to Gefi You should never utter the words,"l love you" after
just a few dates!\Uatch your partner'ssignalsfor cluesabout the pro.
gressof the relationship.Use the dynamicsof approachand withdrawal
behaviorsto your advantage.Even if you immediatelyset your sights
on your new love in1s1s51-aswe both did on our spouses-playhard
to get for a while. This keepsthe desireand fear of closeness
in proper
balanceuntil the other personhas time to catch up with your willing-
nessto make a commitment!

This approachmay soundsomewhatmanipulativebut it doesn'thave

an evil intent. Let'sfaceit, an ADD adult has to carefullyplan many
aspectsof his life to make them work. \7hy should relationshipsbe
any different?After all, the hard ro ger approachis jusr a variation of
learningto stop,think, act and reflect,right?

Monitor the Relationship: Spontaneityis a lovely thing but ADDers

can get in trouble when freedomreigns.To a certain extent, you'll
needto approachintimate relationshipsasyou do everythingelse-
with carefulplanning and ongoing moniroring. Keep your finger on
the pulseof the relationship.If your partner seemsskittish,back off

1,99
 You MrnN I'v Nor Lazv.SruproOn Cnezv?!

and lighten up! \Uhen the intensity level is too high, be lessavailable
for a while.

Don't swing too far in the other direction either. You can chasea love
interestawaywith your apparentindifference.Relationshipsrequire
continual work and maintenance.The challengefor an ADDer is to
sustainattention to the relationshipover the long haul.

Work at your communicationskills.Remind yourselfto listen to your

partner,askquestionsto draw her out and pay attention to moodsand
non-verbalclues.

Dontt Lose the ttMett in '(!Vett' Be sureto maintain your usualin-

terestswhen you begin dating someonenew.This will help you keep a
reasonabledistancefrom the relationshipto prevent your total immer-
sion in it. This will alsohelp you maintain your own identity.

Watch Your Impulsivity: Impulsivebehaviorcan createan assort-

ment of problemsin an ADD adult'slife. In a sexualrelationship,it
can causelife threateningtrouble! In this day of serioussexuallyffans-
mitted diseases,more than emotionalwell-beingis at stake.It's wiseto
wait a while beforebeginningany sexualrelationship.

You may need to make somerulesfor yourselfto prevent impulsive

decisions.Talk to a trustedfriend who seemsto be in control of his life.
Ask for his advice.How long doeshe think a personshouldwait before
having sex,saying"l love you" or living with a new romantic interest?
Ask how long he thinks a personshouldknow a lover beforemarriage.

Use this information to make a vow to wait x-amount of time before

taking any of thesesteps.Enlist your friend'shelp with your vow. In
many supportgroups,a sponsorhelpsthe individual stick to his program.
Your friend could becomethe sponsoryou call on when you'rehaving
trouble sticking with your program,ie. your rulesfor dating behavior.

Stop and Think: If you'refeelingrestlessjust thinking about suchan

unbearablyslow paceof a relationship,useyour imaginationand con-
siderthis. Visualizea wholeLifetimeof restlessness
with a spousewho
bores you to death! Visualizea giant vise systematically
tightening

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 INrpRracrNc IN AcrroN: IN Tue DRlNc Gnur ANo THE Fnvty

down and squeezingout all your hard work at recoveryand rebuilding

your senseof self. You are worth too much to throw awayyour progress
by impulsivelyhooking up with someonewho is wrong for you. The
consequences of an impulsive marriagecan be heavy,particularly if
children are involved.

Debunk the Prince Charming Myth: This one is for women who
grew up believing the myth. Don'r look ar everydate as a srepping
stone to marriage.Tiy to enjoy your evening of dinner and dancing
without visualizingyourselfat the altar!

!7atch out for your yeamingsfor Prince Charming! We know we're

repeatingourselvesbut the trap is so tempting that it can snareyou
beforeyou realizeit's happening.This comment isn'r a condemnation
of the weaknessof women. It's a reality of a world that still teaches
women to dependon men for their salvation.

\Uhen the going getstough in schoolor in careers,it's easyto indulge

in fantasiesabout marriageasan escaperoute. There is nothing wrong
with wanting to be a wife or mother.Justmake surethat you make rhe
decisionfor the right reasons-out of choice.Don't do it becauseyou
feel you can't do anything elseor wanr a way out of your currenr,un-
h"ppy situation.

KK: "'When I wasin my '20's,I madea rule that I wouldn't get married
or have children until I had found a sarisfuingway ro supportmyself.I
didn't know about ADD then but did have a sensethat my survival
and self-esteemdependedon my having a senseof competence.

As an older mother, I enjoyedthe experiencewrthout losingmy se[f-

esteem.Motherhood wasa joyful choice rather than a retreatfrom a
world I couldn't handle. I kept a part time job asa psychiatricnurse,
knowing I could go back to full-time work at any time. I didn't suffer
from doubtsabout being justa motherasmany of my peersdid. I think
this wasbecauseI had madea clearand consciouschoice from a posi,
tion of strengthrather than weakness."

Act V, Scene 1: Interfacing in the Family

Now we'll examinethe most complexkind of relationship.\7e'11introduce

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you to the Bakerfamily to help us explorethe unique issuesof family inter'

actions.The family includesJan,Tom and their three biologicalchildren,
A-y, Zacharyand Jennifer.Each of the five membersof the family has
ADD although eachhasslightly different problemsassociated with it.

Tom
Tom, a successful real estatebroker,is extremelyrestless, hyperactive
and irritable. He eamsa good living but the family experiencesongoing
financial crises.Everyonein the family spendsthe rnoney asquickly as
he can earn it. Tom has a Jeckleand Hyde personalitythat changesat
the drop of a hat. He flips back and forth from an enthusiastic,fun-
loving man to an irritable, withdrawn grouch.Junand the children are
alwaysa bit afraidof him.

Jan
Jan isn't particularlymoody or hyperactive.She is more of a gentle
spacecadet.She has trouble organizingthe householdand disciplining
the children. She is so overwhelmedby the demandsof life that she
just lets them washover her. Having few reservesof energyto gain
control of her life, shemanagesto do little more that surviveeachday.

Amy
The oldestdaughterA-y, is an extremelybright, chronic underachiever.
She has alwaysbeen a maverick.She has problemsfollowing rulesand
fitting in with other children. She'scontinually in trouble at home and
at school.Amy sharesher dad'ssymptomsof moodiness,impulsivity and
hyperactivity.At 13, she'sbecomingincreasinglyrebellious,refusing
to take her Ritalin and hangingout with a groupof kids who take drugs.

A*y and her dad have an explosiverelationshipsincethey both regu-

larly fly off the handle. She and her mom don't arguea lot but they
have a tenuousrelationship.A*y treatsJan with contempt,not even
attempting to hide her low opinion of her mother. She can't under-
standwhy Mom is so wishy-washyabout everything.

Zachary
Ten yearold Zacharyis quiet and rather passive.He doesn'tmake
waves.He strugglesin school and receivesonly mediocregradesdespite
putting in long hoursdoing homework.He's anxiousmost of the time

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and has a number of health problemsincluding asthma,severeallergies

and frequentstomachaches.He'sshy and has trouble making friends.

Zacharywasevaluatedand diagnosedwith multiple leaming disabil-

ities and ADD. His psychologistrecommendedintensivetutoring but
the family never has enoughextra money to hire anyone.Jan has taken
on the job but can't do it with any regularitybecauseshe'sso over.
whelmedby the detailsof her life. So Tacharystrugglesalongwithout
the educationalhelp he needs.

Jennifer
Jenniferis the baby of the family and her parenrsrreat her that way.
They place few demandson her. At 8 yearsold, she'sa delightful child
with a sunny personalityand an engagingsenseof humor. She'sfairly
hyperactivebut doesn'tdisplaythe irritability and moodinessof her
fatheror sister.She channelssomeof her excessenergyinto gymnastics,
cartwheelingor dancing around the housemuch of the time.

At schoolshehasbecomethe classclown, entertainingher peersand

keepingher teachersso busylaughingthat they ignoreher difficulties
with schoolwork. Her gradesareeven worsethan her brother's,but no
one getson her caseabout it. Her teachersassumethat shejust isn't
very bright. Her parentsare busyarguingwith each other and with
A*y. They work so hard at just surviving that they don't have time to
worry about their youngestchild. Th"y figurethat at leastthey have one
normal child even if she isn't anv smarterthan the rest of their kids.

Notes: Act V, Scene 1

Marriageand child rearingpresentall the challengeswe've already

discussedand then some!The intricacy of the danceof family relation-
shipsis dramaticallymore complexthan that of groups,friendshipsor
romantic interactions.In this regard,we would like you to consider
thesenew math facts.Are you ready?
1 + 1> 7
7 + l=4
Z + 7= ll plus
'We're
not going to tell you quite yet what these equations mean, but

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the answersare correct.. .Sort of. . .It dependson the questionsyou're

asking.\fe'll get back to this in a few paragraphs.

As soonastwo individualsbecomealegalnr.re, the ruleschangeand

the complexity and intensity of the relationship increasewhether or
not either hasADD. There are often unrealisticexpectationsthat the
spousewill fulfill the rolesof Saviot Mother, Father,BestFriend,Expert
Lover, Tower of Strength, Therapist, etc.

Further complicatingthe relationshipof a couple,particularlyastime

goeson, is the history they have shared.Communications are colored
with memories,both good and bad. An innocent remark can sparkan
argumentabout a pasthurt or unresolvedconflict that had an impact
on the relationship.If we add a spousewith ADD to the picture,the
relationship can changeunpredictably.

Jan and Tom weredelightedto find eachother and had an exciting

courtship.Janloved the spontaneityof impulsivetrips to the beach
and phone callsat 3:00 a.m. Tom loved havingJan help him remem-
ber to put gasin the car and agreewith his opinions.

When A*y wasbom in the first yearof their marriage,they seemed

to becometotally different people.The transformationthey exper-
iencedis certainly not unique to ADDers. Virtually all parents,even
thosewho carefullyplan their families,sayit's impossibleto imagine
the magnitudeof the changesthat occur with the birth of a child.

This brings us back to the answersin our equations.They are correct

if we askthe following questions:

Wlwt doesone spouseplusone spouse eqtal?

\Y'/hatdoesone coupleplusonechildequalt
V{hat doesonecoupleplustwo childreneqtal?

Jan and Tom assumedthat their problemsresultedfrom babyAmy's

constantcrying. A difficult infant can definitely add stressto a relation-
ship. Even if Amy had been a calm, placid baby,our couplewould have
experienceda transformationin their relationship.

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With the addition of eachchild, the relationshipsbetweenand among

family membersbecomeincreasinglycomplicated.The complicarions
grow not arithmetically,but geomerrically.This may be why parenrs
often saya secondchild addsmore than just double the work of an
only child. The extra work doesn'rhave nearly asmuch to do with
extra laundryor meal preparationasit doeswith an explodingnumber
of relationships.Let'slook at what happensto the number of relation-
shipswhen you add children to a family:

The Couple = husbandand wife (plus their

individual + s.llective "baggage")

The Couple+One Child = husbandand wife

husbandand child
wife and child
husband,wife and child

The Couple+Two Children = husbandand wife

husbandand first child
husbandand secondchild
wife and first child
wife and secondchild
first and secondchild
husband,wife and first child
husband,wife and secondchlld
husband,first and secondchild
wife, first and secondchild
husband,wife, first and secondchild

Synopsis:Act V Scene1
If computerprogrammersthink it's difficult to inrerfacean IBM" and a
Macintosh]' we wonderwhat they would think about interfacinga fam-
ily unit. They would have to programindividual personalitiesto inter-
facewith the multiple relationshipsamongfamily members.The dyad
of husbandand wife altersthe one:onerelationshipof pre-maffiagedays

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even beforechildren add to the complexity of interpersonalrelationships.

Since ADD tendsto run in families,it dramaticallyaltersthe dimen-

sionsof the family unit and exponentially ups the ante aschildren are
bom. RaisingADD children is a challengingjob that taxesthe resources
of non-ADD parents.Many adoptiveparentscan attestto this. In a
family like the Bakerswhere severalpeoplehave the disorder,the poten-
tial for discordand communication breakdownis enormous.

Doesthis mean that the equation of ADD adult(s) + children =

disasterl Absolutely not! It only meansthat the stakesmay be higher
and the pitfalls deeperand more treacherous.You may be a wonderful
parent! ADDers are lively people.Many can respondto the challenges
of child rearing with incredible enthusiasmand avoid the pitfalls by
leapingenergeticallyover theml

A decisionasimportant aswhether to bring a new human being into

this world-into your world-must be made verycarefully,lPlanning this
areaof your life may be THE most important job you have.You must
stop and think about your balancesheetof strengthsand weaknesses.

What if you alreadyhad children beforeyou knew anything about ADD?

What if having a family is what you do becauseyou never considered
not having one?Well, you'recertainlynot alone! Many peoplehave
children becausetheir religiousor family script teachesthem to. What
if you would have loved to plan your family better but medicalscience
failed and you ended up with an unplanned pregnancy?

Our goal isn't to establishourselvesascritics of your religiousprinciples

or contraceptivepractices,but to help you think about someimpor-
tant issues.You will need to examineyour ADD balancesheetand
considerhow it fits with parentingand the math of family relationships.
If you alreadyhave children,we hope the discussionwill help you clarifii
and better understandthis dimension of your life.

The Job of Parenting: ADD adultshave strengthsand weaknesses

when it comesto parenting.A typical balancesheetfor an ADD
parent may look somethinglike this:

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SrnnNcrHS WnexNEssES
active impatient
creative moody
open-minded intolerant of noise and chaos
compassionate carelesswith details
senseof wonder shakycommunicationskills
curious limited capacityfor work + srress
enthusiastic easilybored
passionate impulsive
good senseof humor disorganized

How doesthis balancesheetplay out when you becomea parent?It's

hard to saywith certainty.Your child's personalityand the interrelated
profiles of you, your spouse,and your offspringall have impacts.you
m_ightbecomea parent who yells a lot or is grouchy much of the time.
The addednoiseand stressof having childr"n -"y'push butronsthat
weren't pushedbefore.You might look at your reflection in a mirror
and wonder where the mean, angry personcamefrom.

On the other hand, you might take advantageof the wonderful "imma.
turity" everyoneusedto criticize.!7ith your children in tow, you can
giggle,climb on the monkey barsand sing aloud in the grocerysrore
without questionablelooksfrom other people.You might effectively
useyour compassionand open-mindedness to roll with the inevitable
punchesof parenring.

Your effectivenessasa parentwill be testedby the genericprobability

that one or more of your children are likely ro hav. Ann. Their high-
strungtemperamentswill requirespecialhandling. In somerespecrs
your own ADD uniquely.qualifiesyou asa provider of specialhandling.
You have insight unavailableto your non-ADD peers.if yo,, haven'r
yet achieveda workablebalancein your life, however,you may still
require too much nurturing for yourself.You may be unable to provide
the carefulguidanceyour ADD child needs.

Parenting-has been comparedto a scary,exciting, unpredictableroller

coasterride. \7e submit that when ADD is an issue,parenting becomes
a more treacherousjoumey. It's like guiding an out of .ontrol rocket

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ship at the speedof light towardsan unknown destinationlIs this neces-

sarilyso bad?Justthink of all the teacherconferencesand emergency
room visits our parentswould never have madeif it hadn't beenfor usl
\7hat would they have done with all that extra timelJust think how
boring the world would be without us.
'!7e
Can we leam any lessonsfrom this surveyof the family dimension?
think the most important one is the need for planning. Your parents
and teachersprobablycomplainedso often about your poor planning
that the very word makesyou uncomfortable.As much asyou may
dislike planning, it's probably the singularlymost important thing you
shoulddo for yourself.Use the following considerationsasa frame-
work for your "PlannedParenting".The job of parentingis too impor-
tant to leaveto chance.

Survival Tips: Act V, Scene 1

Spacing of Children: Carefully considerthe spacingof your children.
This has nothing to do with the psychologyof spacingas it affectsa
child's adjustment.Rather,carefulspacingallowsyou to absorbthe impact
of eachchild on your capacityto handle the additionaldemands.If

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you have severalchildren in the spaceof a few years,you may be pushed

beyondyour limits beforeyou know it. Spacingbuysyou rhe time you
need to make a wisedecision.

Personal and Financial Resources: If you and your spousewanr ro

continue full-time employment,can you both emotionallyhandle the
secondshift of parenting?If not, can you survivefinancially if one par-
ent has only a part time job or staysat homeI Of courseif you're a
singleparent,you won't have an option in this regard.

Realistic Assessment of Effort and Money: Do your homework. Ask

other parents,especiallyparentsof ADD children, about the work and
money it takesto raisechildren. Everyoneknows that children are ex.
pensive.But when ADD is part of the financial picture, you'll need to
think about the addedexpensesyou may incur. Your child may need
extrahelp. He may needamongother services,tutoring, speechtherapy,
medicine or psychologicalcounseling.

General Strategies: What resourcesare availableto lighten rhe load?

Are there relativesliving nearbywho arewilling to help?Can you reduce
your financial obligations?Can you organizethe work load so eachpar-
ent can have periodicbreaks?lUhen you add children ro your life, you
needto be even more ruthlessaboutsimplifuingit to maintain balance.

Post This List and Reread it at Frequent Intenzals: Each time you
consideradding a child to your family, go back over this lisr. Make
sureyou are handling what's aireadyon your plate beforeyou dish up
another serving.If you and your parrner plan carefullyrlour family
relationshipscan be satisfyingonesthat add to the quality of your life.
You'll be able to passon to your children your valuable,hard-earned
knowledgeabout overcomingobstacles.Your children can become
enterprising,productiveadults.

Act V, Scene 2: Interfacing in the Family

In the following sceneswe'll offer a glimpseof the Baker family's inter.

actions.They are illustrativeof the complexityof family relationships
when ADD is addedto the mix.

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Jan, Tom and Zachary

Jan is tutoring Zachary at the dining room table. Tom walks in and
startsto tell her someexciting news about work. When she doesn't
respond,he becomesincreasinglyexasperated by her seemingdisinterest.
When his raisedvoice finally elicitsJan'srequestto "wait a minute",
he leavesthe room in a huff.

Tom, Jan and Jennifer

Tom sitsbleary-eyedat the breakfasttable, drinking his first cup of
coffeeand trying to read the newspaper.Jan who is a moming person,
chats to him non-stop and reminds him that it's garbageday.
Tom finally looks up from his paperand announcesthat the garbage
needsto be taken out. Jan testily repliesthat if he'd been listeninghe
would know that she'sawareof that fact. Jennifer suddenlyappears
out of nowhere to give her startledparentsbearhugs.She is reprimand-
ed for being so rough and slinks out of the room wondering why her
mom and dad rejectedher affection.

Jennifer, Amy and Zachary

Jenniferrushesinto her sister'sroom and pounceson the bed to give
A*y a morning kiss.A-y who is just beginning to wak€ rp, shoves
her off the bed and feelsonly mildly remorsefulwhen Jennifer scrapes
her knee on the way down. Now fully awake,A-y headsdown the
hall for a showerand lets loosea string of epithetswhen Zacharywalks
in to brushhis teeth.

Notes: Act V Scene 2

The Bakerfamily includesfive peoplewhoseindividual deficitscollec-

tively combine to create Chaoson theCul-de-Sac.All families share
someof their problems-balancing the rights of individual members
with the needsof the largerfamily unit. The Bakerfamily has an extra
layerof sharedADD disabilitiesthat makesthis balancingact partic-
ularly difflcult.

Familieswho live under the sameroof shareboth physicaland emotional

spaces.If the family is to live peacefullytogether,eachmemberhas to
have his fair shareof both. Each of the Bakershas a poor senseof
physicaland emotional boundariesand impulsivelyinvadeseachother's

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territory. Acting on autopilot most of the time, they bump, jostle and
literally stepon eachother'stoesasthey repeatedlymissboth obvious
and subtle requestsfor space.

A closeddoor or a sign that says,ttKeep Outtt is a fairly clearstatement

of a desirefor privacy.Most of us understandits obvioussignificance-
but what about the subtleI rrorr-Verbalrequestsfor privacy?Many of us
with ADD misreadthese"signs".

Thesenon-verbalsignsare the invisible circlesthat peopledraw around

their bodiesfor privacy and protection.The circlesdefine the perimeter
of personalspaceand convey the message: "Don't come any closerthan
the circle I have drawn around me."

These circles aren't fixed in time and space.The diameter of your own
circle constantly changesaccordingto your mood, circumstancesand
relationship to the other person.The circle narrowsto encouragea
lover or a beloved child to get closeand widens to keep the sffangeror
someoneyou dislike,at a safedistance.If you'reangryor dbpressed,
the circle may becomehuge even for loved onesasyou sendout the
message: ttStay Awaytl For an ADDer, the circle sometimesinexpli-
cably widenswhen he can't stand to be touched or to allow anyone in
his immediatevicinitv.I

Synopsis: Act V Scene 2

Awarenessof and respectfor theseinvisible circlesrequiresgood non-

verbalcommunicationskills.Lacking theseskills,the Bakersimpulsively
trounceon eachother'sfeelingsand invadepersonalphysicalspaces.
Since the whole family has ADD, each personhas a unique need for
space.Each personalsohas an inability to prevent his needsfrom
colliding with the needsof everybodyelse.Privacyis ashard to come
by in this family aspeaceand quiet are.The experienceof living in
this kind of family is feeling intruded upon and overwhelmed.

Most ADD familiesexperiencesomedegreeof difficulty in their inter-

actions.What can an ADD family such asthe Baker'sdo to make its
home more of a haven for the peoplewho live there?The first order of
businessis to seea family therapist.

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 You MEnNI'v Nor Ltzy. SruproOn Cnazyl!

This family has been in trouble for a long time. They need an objective
outsiderto analyzeand balancethe needsof the family asa unit with
the individual needsof family members.The therapist'sjob is to help
the family systembecomehealthier so it can better meet the needsof
each member.Right now, the family is too stressedand chaotic to pro.
vide the necessarystructureand nurturing.
'!7e
can't emphasizeenough that treating a troubled family is not a do-
it-yourselfenterprise!A Band-Aid approachmay remporarilyslow
down the bleeding but it won't stop the hemorrhage!If your family
is really in trouble, get professional help ASAP!

If your family is basicallyokay and needsonly minor adjustments,that's

wonderful. There are severaltechniquesyou can useto supportand
build your family system.The following discussionincludesspecificsug-
gestionsfor improving communication and managingboundary issues.

Survival Tips: Act V, Scene2

Creating Living Space Large Enough for the People Who Share It
When we talk about living space,we'renot suggestingthat you increase
'!fe're
the squarefootageof your houseor apartment! talking about
carefullydesigningsufficientemotionalliving spaceso that family mem-
berscan coexistwith relativeharmony.

Teach Respect for Boundary Needs: Suggestthat your family vis-

'We
ualizea boundaryas a hula hoop. know we're showing our ages-
many peopleunder 35 have never even playedwith one! Anyway, if
you have a hula hoop lying around,put it around you to demonstrate
your personalcircle. Ask eachfamily memberto picture himself sur-
roundedby his own personalhoop.

The room suddenlystartsto shrink in sizeaspeople and hula hoops

begin to take up space.As everyonestartsto move around in the space,
the inevitable happens.There'sa fair amount of confusionashula hoops
start bumping into each other.

Each family membershould put rhis imagein his memory bank for
future reference.The next time he startsto intrude on someoneelse,

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he may be able to call up the hula hoop imagein his mind. "Seeing"
Dad in a hula hoop might just be enoughto makejunior Stop, Look,
Listen. . .and Laugh!

Design Rest and Relaxation Zones: In many families, there are

unwritten rulesregardingprivate space.The den may "belong" to the
parents-the children understandthat this spaceis Mom and Dad's
from
i"tr""t. Similarly, the children often usetheii bedroomsasescapes
the demandsof the family.

ADD families need to establishwritten rulesregardingthe boundaries

of privacy.Each memberof the family should have his own designated
zone.In a small apartment,this spacecould be the balcony,the hall or
half of a sharedbedroom.Each family memberhas a right to privacy
and needsa private retreat-a placethat is off-limits to everyoneelse.
"Out to Lunch" or "TemporaryShutdown" signscan indicate current
occupationof a personalzone. o

h,

9aoFo
tuavcff
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This provision for down timeis essentialto forestall the negativebe-

haviors of frustration. Each personhas a right to state his need for
space.\Uhen he makesthe request,other family membersshouldn't
talk to him or expect a response.The samerules apply about being
touched.If someonedoesn'twant to be touched,his wishesmusr be
respected.

Designated QuietZones: You should also designatespecificquiet

zonesin your home asplacesfor reading,studyingor resting.The tele-
vision and stereoshould be in an areawith a door that can be closed.
This areashould alsobe asfar awayaspossiblefrom the quiet zones.A
soundproof room for noisy equipment would be ideal but most homes
don't have this luxury. One option is to establisha rule that TV or
stereousersmust useearphones.

Rules for Communication and Respect for Boundaries: You can'r

take anything for grantedin an ADD family! You need to designstruc-
tured rulesto protect the emotional and physicalcirclesof family mem.
bers.Someof thesesuggestions may be helpful:
rSet Aside Speciftc Time Periods for Quiet when the TV should
be tumed off and the answeringmachine tumed on. Develop a family
schedulewith designatedtimes for studyingor other quiet pursuitsas
well astimes to be togetherasa group.
oObsenze a Period of Silence when the noise level is too high or
emotions are getting out of control.
.Require Each Family Member, Includittg Parents, to Ask Per,
mission beforeborrowing anything from someoneelse.
olmpose a Stop-Look/listen-Speak
'lUhen Procedure for all commu.
nication betweenfamily members. a conversationis in progress,
the personenteringthe room must wait until he'sinvited to join in. If
someoneis doing somethingthat requiresconcentration, such asreading
or paying bills, he shouldn't be interrupted exceprfor an emergency.
oDetermine What Constitutes an Emergency. An untied shoestring
can be an emergencyfor an ADD child. You may need to discussand
make a list of real and perceivedemergencysituations.Insist that every-
one refer to the list beforeintemrpting a conversationin progress.If an

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everyoneshould abideby the following rules.

interruption is necessary,
Get the person'sattention by gently tapping him on the shouldet wait
for a responseand then excuseyourselfbeforeyou begin to talk.
.Prohibit All Long Distance Conversations except for announce.
ments that the houseis buming down! Yelling up the stairsor shouting
from another room to find someoneis a no-no. There are two reasons
for this. First, if family membershave to strain to hear, they will fre-
quently misinterpretthe message. An ADDer can have enoughtrouble
sendingand receiving without
messages the addedburden of trying to
talk to someonein another room. Second,it's rude! Yelling upstairsto
ger someoneto come down is a lot like calling the dog-and it feels
like it too.
ouse Intercoms. You might want to invest in someintercomsto
communicatewith people in other parts of the house.Be carefulnot
to over.do it. A buzzingintercom everyfive minutes can be as annoy-
ing asa bellowingvoice!
.Prohibit All "On The Run" Conversations. Thlking to someone
while you rush to finish a task, isn't conducive to effective communi-
cation. The intended recipient of this one-wayconversationhas to
listen to a programthat fadesin and out or follow the speakeraround
on his travels.On the run conversationsare rude and contribute to
miscommunication.
oEnforce a Rule to Prqhibit Unwanted Teasing or Joking about
individual family members.ADDers often read the literal meaning of
messages and missthe intended meaning.Since impulsiveADD family
membersoften fail to notice the discomfortof others,their teasingcan
quickly escalateinto perceivedfull-scaleattacks.Teasingcan feel like
torture and must not be permitted. All requeststo stop teasingmustbe
respected.The butt of the joke shouldn'tbe labeleda party pooperor
poor sport. If a joke hurts someone,it's not funny.
oSet Up a Message Center in a prominent place. The kitchen may
be a good place for this as it's often the center of family activities. The
best location is near a phone with an answeringmachine. Preferably,
the spaceshould have a counter or deskfor a writing surface.The center
should include a bulletin board,a method for filing mail and important
papers,a large calendarand an ample supplyof paper and pens.

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The bulletin board needsto be sufficiently largeto provide a specific

section for each family member and one for the whole family. Keep
extra coloredpapertacked in eachsectionor usecolor posr-it p"ds.
Eachfamily membercan have a personalized color that makesit easy
to p_ostand retrievemessages.A white boardmay be a goodbackdrop
to the colorednotes.Be surethat everyone,including sma[ children,
can reachthe bulletin board.
The General.Messages areais for anyrhing the whole family needsto
read.The rest of the board should be divided into secrionsfor individ-
ual family members.Make a rule that everymessage must include the
'Whenever
signatureof the personwho postedit, the date and the time.
possible,telephonecallsshouldbe handledat or switchedro, the mes.
sagecenterphone.
Encouragefamily membersto make a habit of checkingthe message
center severaltimes a day and everytime they comehome. As soon as
someonereadsa message, he shouldremoveit from the board.This will
reducevisual clutter and improve the odds that the family won't over-
look postedmessages. If someoneaddsa generalmessage to the board,
he shouldinitial it at the bottom. As eachpersonin tum readsthe
message, he shouldadd his initials. The last readerwill know that every-
one elsehasseenthe note and that he shouldremoveit from the board.
Besideslooking for postedmessages, eachpersonneedsto check his
mail slot and listen to the answeringmachine.Phonecallsshouldbe
addedto the board and the tape should be rewound.Beforemaking
any plans,everyoneshouldcheck the message center'smastercalendar
for important family dates.
'We're
not suggesting that familiesdo all their communicatingby way
of the message center! Putting things in writing can a big help, how.
ever.Otherwise,an ADD child might forgetto menrion rhar Dad is
strandedwith a flat tire and Sisteris in the emergencyroom with a
broken arm! A disorganized ADD family can truly benefit from a struc-
tured systemthat tracksfamily messages and appointments.
oContinually Monitor Your Family's Emotional Tiemperature:
Monitoring your personalstresslevel is important, but in your excit-
able,roller'coasterADD family,the effectof workloador srresssnow-
balls.It's similar to what happensto the number of relationshipswhen

2r6
 INrERrnctNc IN AcrtoN: IN TUE DRrtNc GnvE ANo THE Faltlt-v

you add new family members:7+1is greaterthan 3.

This is how it happens.One of the children comeshome after a bad

day at school and is bouncing o{f the walls. Mom arrivesan hour later
in a bad mood after a difficult day at work. In a matter of minutes,Mom
and the hyperactivechild are at each other'sthroats as the child's
noise and activity irritate a mother who has no reservesof patience.
The fight that eruptsputs everyonein the family on edgeand before
long the housefeelslike a war zone.

Becausethe stresslevel of each personhas such a profound effect on

the family, it's important to monitor the demandson the family as a
whole. If an individual family member is pushinghimself too hard and
feelsirritable asa consequence, it isn't just an individual matter.If the
family asa whole is trying to do too much, the stressmakesrelaxation
and down-time,impossible.

Beforewe closethis chapter,we want to at leastmention the wider

family circle-the extendedfamily.Grandparents,in-laws,aunts,uncles,
etc., will all have an impact on the dynamicsof your family.Their
supportor lack of supportcan be a powerful influence on your efforts
'!7e
to be a successfulADD family. can't examine this issuein depth
becausethe subjectis too complicatedto addressin a few sentences.
These chaptersjust scratchthe surface.\fe'd like to write another
book that focusesexclusivelyon ADD family relationships.

But there are someother important family issueswe're going to address

in the next chapter.With family relationshipsasthe backdrop,we'll
revisit the Baker family to examine somemanagementissuesunique
to the functioning of the family.

7r7
 CHaprEn 11

Mania
FromMealtime
Ordeals:
toOutins
Discord
of Decreasing
How-To's
Tn. family is a microcosmof society.It includesindividual and group
rights, responsibilitiesand rules.It's a systemof multiple interpersonal
relationshipsthat must be carefullymanaged.
Hundredsof sociologicalstudieshave exploredthe entity of the family
and how it functions. Since we are neither sociologistsnor family ther-
apists,we don't presumeto be expertsin thesefields. \7e do, however,
considerourselvesexpertsin two specificareas:The ADD Families of
Kelly/Pentz and Ramundo. Our experiencescould fill volumesas
we'resureyourscould too.

\7hen we usethe word expert, we useit humbly asa reflection of our

not asa measureof our expertise.We can't give
lifetime experiences,
you all the answersaboutADD familiesbecausewe don't have them!
We can sharesomeof our observationsand the collective experiences
of other ADDers and their families.\7e'll rejoin the Bakerfamily to
help us do this.

Our previousvisit with them provideda glimpseof a family living in

the sitcomChaoson theCul-de-Sac.Ifyou recognizeyour family in
the description of the Bakers,do you have to resignyourselfto being
part of the neighborhood?Is there anything you can realisticallydo to
make your family life more manageable? \Ue're going to take take on
the role of the Baker family's therapist to find someanswers.

To begin unravellingthe family'scomplexproblems,we'll encourage

each family member to communicateher own version of the Baker
FamilySrory.This sharingwill have to happen over time and within
an atmosphereof mutual support.
zI8
 Hov-To's Op DpcnrnstNcDtscoRo
Fnou MEnr-TruEMa:,-r.rTo Orrrsc ORnpnLs:

Tbm: "I feel helpless,angryand worthlessmost of the time. I know I

losemy temper too much and it hurts people,but I just can't seemto
help it. The angry words are out of my mouth beforeI know it. I feel
lonely too. Jan doesn'tseemto know I exist unlessshe'scringing be-
causeI got mad. She'salwaysbusywith something.She doesn'tlook
me in the eye and never paysattention to me when I try to talk to her.
I'm scaredall the time. I worry that I can't keep pretendingI'm in
control. Work just takesit out of me. \Uhen I get home, I don't have
any energyleft for my family. I'm supposedto be strong-the man of
the family-but sometimesI feel asthough I'm just barelyhanging on."

Jan: "I feel as if I'm under water all the time, fighting to swim to the
surfacebut never getting there.No matter what I do, I never seemto
get anything accomplished.I work hard to take care of the houseand
family but I never have anything to show for it. The place is alwaysa
messand we never seemto have a moment of peace. Everyoneis
alwaysfighting. I'm a failure.Tom and Amy are alwaysyelling and
putting me down. I probablydeserveit. I'm pretty useless."

Amy: "Everybodythinks I'm just a rotten kid but they have no idea
how I really feel. I'm scaredthat I'll never be able to make it asa grown-
up. I know I'm a "smartass"but that'sjust a cover-up.I'm mean,have
terrible moodsand can't seemto get it togetherto do anything worth-
while. What am I going to do when I finish high schooll With my
grades,I probablywon't make it to collegeand I'm not fast enoughto
do somethinglike waitressing.SometimesI wish I were more like
Zachary.I make fun of him for being a wimp but he's a nicer person
than I am. SometimesI wish I weredead."

Zachary: "l hate the fighting at my house.Even when my family is

laughingor joking, I'm alwayswaiting for somethingterrible to happen
-for Dad or Amy to start a big screamingmatch. I can't stand it when
peopleyell becausethe noisehur$ me. I don't know how to protect
myself.I get so mad sometimesI just want to yell at them to shut up
but I can't get the wordsout. It's hard enoughto talk when I'm feeling
calm. \fhen I get upset,I get so confusedI can't think straight.I feel
like a dope. I work harder in school than anybodyI know but I still get
mostly C's. My dad getsimpatient with me becauseI'm not good at
sportsand I won't stick up for myself.Mom seemsto like me better but

7t9
 You MEeNI'r,,1NorLxzy,SruproOn Cnqzvl!

never has enoughtime to help me with schoolwork. I hate ro even

askher becauseshe seemsso busyand tired most of the time. I know I
causea lot of trouble becauseI hear mom and dad fighting all the rime
about my doctor bills. I wish it wasmore peacefular my house."

Jennifer: "lt's crazyat my house!I especiallyhate dinnertime because

it takestoo long. Everybody'salwaystelling me, Sit down, Jennifer.. .
Be quiet, Jennifer.. .Stopfalling off your chair,Jennifer.I can'r stand
to sit there all that time. I'd rather be outsideplaying.I like it when
my family tells jokesbur a lot of timespeopleyell and get in fights. I
hate the yelling. Most of the time, I don't think my family even notices
I'm there. My mom and dad don't even seemto care when I bring
home D's on my papers.They do saythat ir's roo bad I don't g.t gt"d.t
for my talking becauseI soundso smart.I wish they would *"tih n
danceand do gymnasticsbut they're too busytalking, doing other "stuff
or fighting. I don'r like going to school either. My teichershake me
be quiet and sit in my searunril I want to jump right out of my skin!"

It's obviousthat nobody in this family is happywith the way things

are going! There'sone common thread that weavesthrough everyone's
storyin the Bakerfamily: the noiseand emotionallevelsaretoo intense.
Tom and Amy don't directly complain about the noisebut we can
observetheir sensitivitiesto it. Their hot tempersescalatein direct
responseto sensoryintrusions.They alsohave someawarenessof the
impact of their yelling on orher family membersand don'r feel verv
good about it.

Familieswho deal with the dynamicsof ADD facenumerouschallenges

every day.\7e can't discussthem all but we can examine two that aie
illustrativeof severalfairly common problemsin an ADD family-
MeabimeMania and Outing Ordeals.

Mealtime Mania
It's Mealtime Mania at the Bakerhouse.There areseveralpoorly trained
dogswho bark, jump up and beg for food throughout the meaf.Amy
and Tom who are both sensitiveto noiseand touch, constantlyyell at
the dogsand push them awaybut do little elseto train them. Jennifer
addsto the generaldiscordand busynessof the family meal by jumping

zz0
 FnouMrruTrusMaNnTo OurrNc
ORorRLs:
How-To's
OrDrcnensrNc
DrscoRo

up and down to danceor tum cartwheels.

Three separate,one-wayconversationsgo on asAmy, Tom and Jennifer

talk non-stop to no one in particular. Zacharyand Jan try to follow
the conversationbut quickly tune out asthey becomeoverwhelmed
by the chaos.

Jan rarelysitsdown at the table.She spendsdinnertime wandering

absent-mindedly.She fetchesthe forgotten items of silverware,napkins
or food that took longer to cook than the rest of the meal. Zachary
quietly fadesinto the woodwork,trying to eat his dinner without getting
a stomachacheand hoping that a big fight doesn'tbreakout. He knows
that his mother won't be much help in avertingthe battle that will
inevitably ensuebetweenhis father and sister,A-y.

The anticipatedknock-down,drag-outfight betweenTom and Amy is

a common occurrenceat somepoint in the meal.Both have hair trig-
ger temperscoupledwith foot in mouth disease. This lethal combina-
iion meansthaieach of them frequentlymakescarelessremarksthat
touch off an explosion in the other. Both Tom and Amy tend to hear
only half of what is saidand to misinterpretthe other half.

Sometimesthe chaosis fun with lots of joking and fooling around.

\7hen Tom'sin a good mood, he likes to becomea kid again,telling
silly jokesand instigatinganimal noisecontestsand food fights.Jan
and Zacharydon't participate very much but they laugh and enjoy the
anticsof the othersduring theseh"ppy times.They're alwaysa little
nervousthough, knowing that when things get out of hand, the party
atmospherewill rapidly and disastrouslychange.They know that Tom
and Amy, the instigatorsof much of the rowdiness,are unpredictable
and irritable.The mood of the gatheringcan changeabruptlyif either
of them becomesannoyedwith the noisinessor by someonesteppingon
their toes.

Easilyenraged,their angerquickly generalizes to everyoneelsein the

family. They frequently yell at Jan for burning part of the dinner, at
Jennifer for leaping around like a frog and at Zacharyfor sitting like a
bump on a 1og.Invariably,Anty stompsoff beforethe meal is over
sinceshehasbeengroundedto her room "for the rest of her life".

72l
 You MrnN I'v Nor Lnzy.SruproOn Cnazy?!

Zacharyfeelssick to his stomachand can't eat and Jennifer dances

aroundat a manic pace.Sometimesthe atmosphereat dinner isn't as
much chaotic as it is deadlysilent and chilling with everyonebrooding
and poisoningthe environmentwith silent misery.

Notes: Mealtime Mania

With their difficult remperaments,A-y and Tom seemto dominate

the picture in the Baker family. But they're not singularlyresponsible
for the impaired family interactions.Each of the family membershas
shakycommunication skills and a limited capacityfor stressand stimu-
lation. Individually and collectively,thesebehaviorsconrribureto the
family chaosand stresslevel.

If you plug the individual behaviorsinto a chart of family interacrions,

you can understandhow things get so out of hand for the Bakers.As
family tensionescalates, J". becomesincreasinglymore disorganized
and disengages herselffrom the family. Tom getsmore stressedout as
the burdenof disciplinefalls on him. With his short fusedtemper,he's
ill-equippedto handle it. He feelsincreasinglyangryat Jan'sfailure to
take chargeof the houseand children. It's not that Tom is a sexist
pig-he and Jan had agreedon the division of labor when shequit her
job to stayhome.

Tom getsburned out easily.After a day at work, he can do little but

collapse.A-y desperatelyneedsfirm, calm, structureddisciplinebut
doesn'tget it. Zacharydoesn'racrivelybother anybody,but through
no fault of his own, puts greatdemandson family financial and emo-
tional resources. Jennifercontributesto the noiseand chaoslevel with
her clowning and hyperactivity.She must leam to take responsibility
for her behavior.Unfortunately, there isn't anyoneavailableto teach
her how to do it.

The Bakerfamily is a groupof related individualswho have compelling

needsfor structure,supportand understanding-but there doesn'tseem
to be enoughto go around.Having fewerchildren probablywould have
helped,but it's too late for that option. It isn't too late, however,for
the family to make someimportant changesto reducethe chaosand
tum the volume down. If Mealtime Mania seemsto be a wav of life for

7ZZ
 How-To's Or DrcnrnstNcDtscoRo
Fnov Mrru Trur MnNraTo Ourrxc ORoERLs:

your family, think about theseideasand considertrying them.

Survival Tips for Decreasing Discord

Reduce or Eliminate LJnnecessaryDistractions3 During meals,the

answeringmachineshouldbe turned on or the phone shouldbe taken
off the hook. The televisionor radio shouldbe tumed off and the news-
papershouldbe put in anotherroom. The family dogsshouldbe trained
to stay awayfrom the dinner table or should be kept in another room
until the meal is over.To further minimize the extra distractions,the
family might considerfinding a new home for one of its dogs.

Establish a Family Signal: The signal cueseveryonethat the noise

level is getting too high. Make a family rule that a moment of silence
will be observedif anyone,including the youngestchild, signalsfor
lessnoise.

Make a "No Arguments at the Dinner Thble" Rule: Conflict

isn't all bad but mealtimebattlesaren't very goodfor the digestive
system!Argumentsshouldbe shelvedand resumedat a designated
time and placefor discussion.

Plan a Weekly "Work Detail" Ahead of Time: This should include

for meal preparationand settingand
a list of individual responsibilities
clearingthe table.Family membersshouldrotate thesejobs from week
to week.Preplanningeliminatesmuch last minute confusion.There is
nothing more chaotic than an ADD family trying to work together
without the direcrion of a plan! \fhen other family memberspitch in
to help, the cook is free to join the family insteadof aimlesslywander-
ing around fetching things. The family should follow a rule that no
one sitsdown to eat until the meal is on the table.

Maintain Order by Establishing Struchrre: Meals should have a

carefullydesignedstructurefor dinner conversation.Structure,order-
what is this, boot camp?What happenedto the idea of home asthe
place you can let your hair down and be yourselftLettingyour hair
foodt In families
else's
down is fine as longas Jou don't droPit in someone
with ADDers, there is a goodpossibilitythat letting one'shair down
will disintegrateinto a family free-for-a11.

773
 You MreN I'u Nor LAZy,SruproOn Cnazy?l

Structureand order can take the form of a family ritual or tradition.

The ritual signalsthe beginningof special,sharedfamily time. It can
help family membersput asidethe stresses of the day,concenrrateon
being with eachother and becomeawareof the comforrablehaven of
home. \7hen the family hasgathered,s?ygrace,recite a poem or sing
a song.Tiy a "Show and Tel[" time for sharinganecdoresor telling
jokes.Beginyour meal with word games,trivia or threadedstoriesthat
eachpersonbuilds on in tum. The ritual can be anything. The idea is
to imposestructureso family memberstake turns and learn to listen to
eachother.

Change the Rules: If someoneis having a difficult day or is particu-

larly hyperactive,sheshouldhave permissionto leavethe table.Just
be sureto have an established
procedurefor requeststo missfamily meals.

If All Else Fails, Eliminate Family Meals: They are a lovely conven-
tion and can help familiesconnecr.In an ADD family,however,the
disadvantages of a family meal can ourweighthe advantages. \7hen
temperamentalcharacteristicscome togetherin a small space,the
mixture can be combustible!

zz4
 Fnov MEnl TruEMnNrnTo OurrNc ORoraLs:How-To's Or DgcngnsrNc
DrscoRo

PR: "Family mealsarenothing more than a memoryfor my family.Dur-

ing our initial visit to our therapist,we decidedthat our nightly ritual fre-
quently destroyedan otherwisereasonableday and had to be eliminated.

Our family mealsresembleda hotly contestedsportingevent with

angryopponents.My hyperactiveson is particularlysensitiveto smells
and is an extraordinarilypicky eater.Jeremyspentmost of our tortuous
dinner hour falling off his chair and usinghis gifted verbal skills to
comparethe smell of the meal to variousdecayinganimals.My husband
perfrormedashead coach of the opposingteam. He spent most of the
mealtimedescribingthe lack of food in his parents'mountain village
in southemltaly. He usedeverymeansat his disposalto forceJeremy
to eat. I donned my referee'scap,quoting scientificresearchto support
my assertionthat our son would not die of malnutrition-and I attempt-
ed to maintain order.

The compromisethat Dr. Melowsky helped us reach reducedthe stress

and brought peaceto our kitchen. \7e decidedthat we would invite
Jeremyto dinner but he wouldn't have to join us.The dinner rule was
that he could decline to eat with us but had to refrain from character
assassination of his mother'scooking. \7hen he finally got hungry he
would be responsiblefor fixing his own sandwichand cleaningup
after himself.

I supposeone could arguethat we gavein to our son by letting him

skip the family meals.But the key is that we didn't eliminate our rules.
\7e simply changedthem to meet our family'sneeds.The family har-
mony hasbeenwell worth the skepticaland disapprovinglooks of out-
siderswho don't understandthe dynamicsof ADD."
'We're
going to leavethe family dinner and join the Bakerfamily in an
Outing Ordeal.\7e invite you to join the scenealreadyin progress.

Family Fun: An Evening at the Movies

The Bakerfamily is getting readyto go out for a movie and Jan feels
more anxiouswith eachpassingmoment. As usual,shefeelsperplexed
that she'salwayslate for everything. Beforethe children were bom,
shehad alwaysmanagedto get to appointmentson time. She doesn't
zz5
 You MrnN I'v Nor Lazx,SruproOn Cnazvl!

stop long to ponder this becauseJenniferinterrupts,askingwhereher

purseis and A-y engagesher in combatover the outfit shewon't be
caughtdeadwearing.

As shebeginsto put on her make-up,Tom demandsa consultationon

his slacksand the color of his sweater.Amy's discoverythat her blouse
is wrinkled sendsJan running to the laundryroom ro iron it. Now im-
mersedin distractions,shemomentarilyforgetsthe time deadlineand
decidesto pick up the dirty laundryon her way downstairs.\fhen she
getsto the basement,shestartsworking on a stainedpair of jeansand
throwsAmy's blousein the washerinsteadof ironing it.

The timer sheset asa waming for the family to finish their prepararions,
goesoff. Jan realizeswith a start that shehasgotten off track again!
She arrivesback in her bedroomto Jennifer'sbloodcurtlingscreams
for protection againstA*y who hasthreatenedher with death if Jen-
nifer doesn'tstop hiding her shoes.As rhe time ticks awayand the
stressmounts,the yelling gerslouderaseveryoneblamessomebody
elsefor the problemswith getringreadyon rime.

Finally all the membersof the Bakerfamily are ready16ls2ys-every-

one exceptJan. Zachary,the only personwho took care of himsell
attemptsto come to his mother'said asthe rest of the family accuses
her of making the family late, again!

Notes: Outing Ordeals

Many of us with ADD aren't well known for our punctuality.With our
time sense,or lack thereof,we regularlyset new recordsfor travel time
from point A to point B. Somehor, we manageto climb in our cars
preciselyat the moment we'resupposed to be arriving at our meeting
on the other sideof town! \7e have trouble organizing,we ger
distractedand we routinely forget things.

Getting oneselforganizedto be somewhereat a cerraintime is difficult,

but getting an entire family organizedis infinitely more complicated!
If your family is anything like either of ours,gemingdressedand out
the door for an outing is a major production.Jan can't figureout why
she'salwayslate but it really isn't hard to understand.If you multiply

726
 Fnov MEal Trvr MaNrnTo OurrNc ORoEer-s:
How-To's Or DrcnpasrNcDrscoRo

the difficulty by the number of peoplein a family, the extra time re-
quired growsexponentiallyasfamily relationshipsdo when eachnew
memberarrives.
This sceneis avoidableif the family designsan action plan. Without a
specificplan, an ADD family'sOuting Ordealswill continue.The fol-
lowing suggestionsmight be usefulfor your family'saction plan.

Survival Tips for Outing Ordeals

Identify Individual Dynamics: The first step is for each family mem-
ber to identifu her unique contributions to the family'sdisorganization.
It's easyto point the finger at someoneelse-each family member
doescontribute to the generaldisorganizationand chaos.A more
productiveapproachwould be to help eachfamily memberdecidewhat
sheneedsto do to be readyon time. Then the whole family can come
togetherand figure out an action plan.

For instance,Jan may requirean uninterruptedhalf hour to get herself

togetherand Tom may needhelp choosinghis clothing sincehe'scolor-
blind. If Tom and Jan discusstheir needsin advance,they can strike a
bargain.Tom can agreeto give Jan the time sheneedsby running inter-
ferencewith the kids and savinghis own requestsuntil she'sready.Jan
can agreeto give Tom her undivided attention to help him choosean
oudit after she'sready.
Establish Family Responsibilities: The family needsto think through
the choresthat must be done beforeanyonecan leave.\7ho will feed
the dog and put her in the basement?!7ho will have the responsi-
bilities for tuming on the porch lights and answeringmachine?The
division of labor shouldbe explainedand assignedin advanceto each
of the family members.
The planning may even need to include things such as a bathroom
scheduleto avoid the problem of everyonetrying to get in to one or
two bathroomsat the sametime. It would alsohelp if everyonegets
dressedand readyin separateareasso they don't distract one another.
Clothing should be assembledand laid out well in advance,so there's
time to do neededlaundryor repairs.
Prepare a Work Detail for the Family: To reducethe number of "l

727
 You MrnN I'u Nor Lnzy.SruproOn Cnnzy?!

forgot's"or "'What am I supposedto do's",give everyoneher own check-

list of responsibilities.

Reduce Distractionss It never fails that the phone rings in the middle
of preparations.Take it off the hook or rum the answeringmachine
on. This isn't the time for readingrhe newspaperor watching TV
either. The "No Distractions"rule for mealtimesshouldapply aswell.
The televisionshouldbe off-limits,the newspaperor other readingmare.
rial set aside,and the stereotumed off.If someoneoperatesmore effi-
ciently with backgroundmusic,sheshouldwearheadphonesto reduce
the distractionsfor other family members.

Set a timer: Jan'suseof a timer is a good idea but sheshould probably

set it to sounda warning and then a final signalwhen it's time to leave.
To allow for a margin of error, the departuretime should should be set
earlierthan is really necessary. It's nice to have extra time to clean up
the dirt from the flower pot Jennifer knocks over when she cartwheels
into it!

If it's important to get to an event on time, a pre-wamingsignalshould

be set.This giveseveryoneplenty of time ro gerdressedand readybe-
fore the secondwaming rings.Family memberscan read,watch TV or
play short gamesduring the extra time.

If all this carefulplanning seemslike roo much work, weigh it against

the stressand conflict your family experienceswhen it operatesin the
usualfashion.Tiv it both wavsbeforevou decide.

\7e have exploredsometechniquesfor creatingthe important balance

of rightsand responsibilities
within the ADD family.But implemenra-
tion can be tricky. HOW CAN YOU ESTABLISH RULES WHEN
EVERYONE IN YOUR EAMILY HAIES RULES AND RESISTS
FOLLOWING THEMI

This dilemmawill be our focusin the following chapter.\Ue'll offer a

frameworkfor designinga systemof family government that fostersco-
operationand minimizesconflict.

778
 -CHnprr,n 12

Principles
of Governmenf:
FamilvStvle
S,r.."rrful familiesoperateasdemocraticinstitutions.The parentshave
specificrights and responsibilitiesand so do the children. Collectively
they leam how the processworksthrough the experienceof living in the
family unit. It is understoodthat eachmemberplaysa different role and
contributesdifferently to the effectivefunctioning of the group.In ADD
families,however,the interplay of yorzand me rslessclearlyunderstood.

Similar to a country undersiege,the ADD family standspoised,ready

for defensivemaneuversor attack. Since variousfamily membersmay
resistfollowing rulesor have trouble with the give and take essentialto
successful relationships,continual conflict may becomea way of life.

It's difficult to eliminate thesecounterproductivepower struggles.But

it is possibleto reducetheir frequencyand intensity.To help you accom-
plish this, we'd like you to think about the model of family govemment
that follows. If you can make your family'ssystemof government more
democratic,you may find that things will go more smoothly.

In the mini-society of the family, the parent must assumethe role of

president.If you'rea parent,the ultimate responsibilityfor a successful
govemmentis yours.But everypresidentneedslegislativeand judicial
bodiesthat provide a systemof checksand balancesand a method for
ensuringcomplianceof rules.

Everypresidentneedsan advisorycouncil. The key to establishinga

workablesystemin your family is sharingtfu authonty.A sharedfamily
governmentmeansthat each personfunctions asa participant in the

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 You MreN I'v Nor Lnzv,SruptoOn Cnazv?!

of the year is a great ideabut it doesn'tsolvethe whole problem.With.

out an advancereminder,I would regularlyreadthe current day'sentries
and discoverthat TODAY is the big day.Unfortunately, it's too late to
senda card or gift!

A portableplanner worksbestfor me. I'm alwayson the go and need

somethingI can take alongon my travels.When I'm out shopping,I
can rememberto buy the cookiesfor the classroomparty tomorrow."

Teacher Plan Books Are Useful Time Management Tools: The

bestare large,8 ll} xl1-inch spiralbound booksthat open to display
pagessegmenredby subjectand daysof the week.There is often a small
sectionnext to eachrow of boxesto jot down notesfor the coming week.
You can add your own datesand usethe subjectcolumn for divisions
of time.

Since they aren't formatted,you can designtime framesthat match

your needs.Th"y alsohave with sufficientspaceto write miscellaneous
nores.There are often extra pagesin the back for recordingstudent
attendance.You can usethesepagesfor frequently called phone num-
bers,birthday remindersor anything elseyou want to keepwith your
weekly organizer.

Strrcttrre Your Planning with Daily Time Sheets: Time sheetsare

highly srructureddaily calendarsthat managetime by the hour rather
than by the day and date. Many computer softwareprogramsoffer pre.
formatteddaily calendarsand time sheets.If you don't have accessto
these,you can makeyour own.

Although we suggestthat you start with half-hour time segments,you'll

need to decidehow much structureyou need.Your time sheetcan help
you compensatefor a faulty internal timeclock.
'lflhenever
you schedulesomethingthat involves preparation,get out
your planning notebookand make a list of everythingyou'll need.Don't
leaveout anything! \Uill you need to weara particularoutfit?Add it
ro your list. Will you needto makeprovisionsfor the family while you're
gone?What about calling a baby-sitter?And how about the emergency
numbersthe baby-sitterwill need?If you frequentlyhop in your car only
772
 DyNnvrcsOr ADD IN OnceNrZATroN:
MEcuRNrcs
ANo MprHons

to discoverthat the gastank is empty,add a note ro your list to ger gas.

Put your reminder list in a logical order,estimarehow long each item

will take and doubleyour estimate.If you tend to grossly,r.td"r.srimare
preparationtimes,triple your estimate!\Urite the time of the evenr on
your time sheetand work backwards,entering each item on your list
in an esrimaredblock of time. \fhen you've finished rhis process,
you'll know preciselywhen you need to begin gerringreadyfor your
appointment.

An interestingexperimentto evaluateyour time senseis to jot down

your "starting time" guessbeforeyou go through this process.After
you makeyour list and completeyour backwardtime entries,seehow
closeyou were to your guess.Our bet is that you'll discoveryou were
pretty far off!

Compile Master Lists of Reminders: Consider making a masterlist

for recurringappointments.Put the baby-sitter'semergencyphone list
in the kitchen cabinetso it will be there everytime you need it. Keep
a vacationchecklistin your file, so you don't have ro srartfrom
scratcheachtime.

A lack of planning usuallycausesoverwhelmingfeelingsof disorga-

nization. Although this preplanningmay initially take extra rime, ir
will ultimately saveyou time, aggravationand the wrath of a bosswho
impatiently sits in the conferenceroom waiting for your late arrival.
\Uhen you think things through and make detailedlists,the readiness
stepsbecomemore automatic.Over time, you'll probablydiscoverthat
you can accomplishthe planning stepsmore quickly as they become
habits.

Compile "Everyday, Get out the Door" Master Lists: How many
times do you spendyour car trip acrosstown trying to rememberwhether
you turned off the iron and turned on the porch lightl Rather than
relying on your memory,make a list and post it at your door. Include
the things you need to do wheneveryou go our: put the dog in the
basement,tum on the answeringmachine, turn off the compurer,rum
on the porch light, leave a note for your son, etc.

273
 You MreN I'v Nor Lezv.SruproOn Cnnzv?!

Taking the time to think through your routine and write it down will
savemuch time and aggravationin the long run. You won't have to
rememberthesedetailsevery time you get readyto leave.You won't
have to wastetime racing back home to saveyour computerfrom
getting zappedby the thunder storm and lightning that hits. A quick
look at your list asyou head out the door will shavepreciousminutes
off your preparationtime.

Prepare Duplicated "School" Master Lists: If you have school-age

children, you undoubtedlywrite many notes for field trip permissions,
absences, specialafter schoolbuschanges,etc. Make somemasterforms
for asmany of theseactivities asyou can. A generic"pleaseexcuse
Zachary'sabsence"can be madewith spacesfor names,datesand rea-
son.A quick fill-in-the-blank later,your note is finishedmore quickly
than if you had to composea new note for every occasion.Your forms
may not be personal,but they will saveyou time.

)
 DvNnurcsor ADD IN oncaNrZATroN:
MrcHaNrcsANo MrrHons

Buy a (waterproof) Watch with an Alarm: Alarm warchesare

wonderful. Dependingon the style,you can set alarmsto ring every
hour or at the sametime every day.You can usean alarm waich asa
reminder for appointmentsor ro keep yourselfon track.

Set it to ring in a reasonableamount of time and then make a decision

to work at leastuntil the alarm rings. Plan a break at that point and
resetthe alarm. You can accomplishthe samething with an alarm
clock but your watch is portable.

If your watch is waterproof,you won't have to take it off. It's one less
thing you have to keep track of and it can prevenrcold showers.You
know what happens-you hop in for a quiCkfive minute showerand
emergeshiveringthirry minutes later when your hot water tank is empty!

I.Jsestenographer Pads and Large Index cards: Aren't index cards

the awful things we were instructedto usewhen we had to write a
researchpaper?They were supposedto help us organizeour ideasbut
often endedup being_used aspaperairplanes!In rpit" of any negative
experiencesyou _mayhave had using them, index cardscan helf with
organizationof thoughtsand daily details.

Even the bestsystemin the world is put to the test by distractibility.

M,ulV of us get side-trackedbecauseideaskeep popping inro our brains.
\7i!h_tsomeingenuity,one ADDer we know r.r*r tt".to pads,index cards
and his distractibilityro accomplishwonderfulthings.

He keepsa supply_ofstenopadsat his work site and alsoby everytele-

phgne and chair wherehe may sit. He usesone exclusivelyfor the'phone
callshe receives.\Theneverhe makesor takesa call, he jots down the
name an_dnhone number,rhe time and date of the call and any nores
that apply.He checksoff eachcall after he returnsit. He startsa new
dated list every day.This srenobook is a permanenrrecord he can
refer to wheneverite needsto rememberth" d.t"ils of a particular
call. More than once, he has been able to accessa phone number he
would otherwisehave lost.

He alsousesstenopadsfor jotting down ideas.His work is only briefly

interruptedashe capturesthe essenceof his ideason paper.Ai the

?.75
 You MEnNI'rnrNot Lnzv.SruptoOn Cnezv?!

end of a work session,he transfershis random thoughts to index cards,

categorizingthem ashe goes.He files his index cardsalphabetically
until his next work sessionwhen he addsnew ideasto existing cards
or createsnew ones.

Our photographerfriend'ssystemmay be helpful for you. The steno

telephonerecord can act asa backup to your phone number directory
and To Do list. And the index card systemcan enableyou to usedis-
tracting thoughts to your advantagewithout interfering with the task
at hand.

The key in usingstenopads,a planning notebookor post-it notesis to

usethem to keep yourselfon track and to regulateyour impulsivity. In
the middle of writing checks,don't stop to make the hair appointment
you just remembered.Instead,jot yourselfa note asa reminderand
immediatelyget back to work.

Schedule Telephone Callback Times: Schedulespecifictimes to

make or return phone calls. Since you don't have a secretaryto screen
your calls,you will have to come up with your own screeningscript.
Tell the caller that you'rein a meetingand will call him back.Don't
worry about lying. You are in a meeting-a meetingwith yourself!

Discover ttFound" Time: Take another look at your time diary.Are

there periodsof lost time?\7hat about the waiting room in the doctor's
office?How about the commercialsduring the TV programyou were
watching?Seehow much time you can find.
'!7e
aren't suggestingthat you scheduleyour life to excess.That could
be quite depressing.You don't want to carry your pending file around
with you to work on while you wait for the red light to tum green!

But what about the time you spendin the waiting room?You'vebeen
wanting to write a letter to your friend who moved out of town. It's
been on your To Do list for weeks.Rather than readingoutdatedmag-
azines,why don't you write your letter while you wait?It's something
you've been unable to find the time to do.

Stnrcture Procrastination to Your Advantage: Procrastination is

the number one enemyof Time Management.Although ADDers tend

276
 DyNavrcsOr ADD IN OncnNrZATroN:
MrcHaNrcsANo MErHoos

to procrastinatemore than our non-ADD counterparts,no one is im-

mune from the Perilof ProcrastinationJ
What if we make this enemy
our friend?What if we makeit an advantagerather than a disadvantage?
\7e really do need to prefacethis suggesrionwith a warning ro useir
at your own risk! It's possibleto capitalizeon procrastinationbut it in-
volvesVERY carefulplanning.

The unfortunatereality is that many peoplework bestwhen deadlines

loom. As the deadlinegetscloser,the adrenalinestartsflowing, energy
goesinto overdriveand tasksarecrankedout at astonishingspeed.If
you know your limits and arefairly good ar estimatingtime, you can
structureyour taskby purposelywaiting until the last minute.
This is contrary to conventional wisdom.k's usuallybetter to plan
extra time rather than lesstime ro ger things done.So you probably
ought to try usingstructuredprocrastinationfor a job that won't yield
disastrousresuksif it doesn'rger finishedl
This is how it works.Figureout the absoluteshortesttime you can
reasonablyexpectto be able to accomplisha parricularjob. Get out
whatevertime organizeryou're usingand write down the deadlinefor
your job. Then add a seconddeadline-the absolutelatest time you
can possiblystart working on your task.You absolutelymusrhave
everythingelseclearedoff your daily time sheetfor the startingdead-
line you'veestablished. Then be preparedto do nothing elsebut use
your pumpedup energyto finish the job.
'We've
usedmany "absolutes"in this discussionof structuredprocrasti-
nation becausethis is a risky sffaregy.We would suggestthat you rry
this asa last ditch effort.The saferstrategiesshouldbe your first line
of attack. But StructuredProcrastinationmight be worth a shot.

\7e've consideredtime and spaceasdistinct organizationalprocesses.

If you recall from the diagramat the beginningof the chapter,you
know that organizationis dependenton memoryand attention. They're
all interrelated-organizationstrategiesdependon your remembering.
And to remember,you must be able to attend in the first place.In the
next chapter,we'll continue our discussionby examining the other two
partsof this interrelationship.

277
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 982
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 882
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 682
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 267
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aleel ,{lruanbar; nod 'rno tl lf,B uogr pue tl Sulop;1asrnol, ezIIBnsIA
}l
'reqruarueJot peou noL leqlr lnoqe 'ezlJorueruot esuesfpoq
{ulql
rno,{ esn puB eJlotradal s(Jotf,Beqf rxoU A\oJJoq'oueqlsaupt sl eporu
Surureel paue;ard rno,(;1 :,fuourel I tpeqlseuDr-sasues Jno asn
'edet rno,i,
{leq tre1dno,{.se l1 leeder pue rapJooal edel e uo spuBJJe}o
tsrl ro qcaeds rnod pJoJaU '8uos u/t\onl llerv\e;o sctr,tl eql uI Jeqrueru
-eJ ot paeu no,i,s8urql eqf Sutuesut ro eurdqJ B uI fstl Sutddoqs rno/,
Surnnd fu1 '1pcar fuoruau tdruord ot ,btnrtysuespunos pue auLqr 'protr
rrer{l esn uBf, srer.rrealIegren :rlrouray4l .fuo11pnv-sasuas rnol asfl
'fuorueur rnor{ Suudtuord ur eq
III/n a8erur er{t e^nf,eJJeeJour er{l
'uorlezrlensrl pue suortf,euuof, er{t snoe8ertno eJoru ar{J 'erueu tsJrJsrr{
ot uortJeuuof, PezrlBnsrnrno,{ 'esrnoc Jo 'q r{3lt{AAma$ Jo IA\oq a8ng
e ur Surururrn\ssr fuec rno,{ '.{rlJ fueurpro a)illun 'eJntBeJluecr;ru81s
tsoru s,uerufueC 'r]At IBer aqr sI slqt esneoegJIBII por Jo spunoru gtlrn
peranof, sl rlslJ ruer8 rno ' (4loct r{sr; tuBIS e;o e8erut leluaru e ateerf,
rq8nu nor{ 'uerufu"C uunts 'tuetlc A\eu rno,i.Jo eru€u oqt JequeureJ
ot paau noL;1 'serueu Suuaqruerual Joj IIaA{$Fo/v\ Lra8eutt IBtueW
'JetBI uler{r ro; Surgf,JeestJets nod ueq^\ puttu rno[ ur dn dod
lllm ere8elNJo a8eruruB reqr er€ sef,ueqc'putqaq rueqt e^Eel op no,i;l
uole tng 'tuer{t lnoqtl^\ ruoor aqt ro tno Sutzaerqruog;1esrnol, dots ot
q8noua aq Leru a8eurr eqt etearf, ot tueruotu B 3u1ry1 islleC ere8elp relo
ldems are ,teqr sBtnoqB Surssol sLel rnor{ ezrlensrn-e8eurt IBtueuI eAIl
-eur8urur uB etBaJJpue lelnej eqt pue tueqt te 'spueq rno,{ qse^t
{ool
rno,i. dorp no[ sy
or paddots en,nori,eJeq^\ luls tuooJqteq eqt uo s,i.e>1
'eJar4\euos u \op tueqt tnd ol uets nor{ erurl lxeu aqr anbtuqoel 8urmo1
-lo; aqr Sursn fur 's,{e1rec rno,{ aceldsnu Lleuttnor nor( JI 'tl paeu no,{
ueq^\ IIEOaJstr tdruord ot puB uorteruJo;ul Jo uolteJtst8ar IBIIIUI eql
anordur ol fue8erul lerueu pue uonezrlBnsrnesn uef, notr 'SuuaqueuaJ
JoJJor{oue poo8 B sI puB dttnnearf, pue uotteut8Brul JoJ sls€q eql sI
pulru aql uI ueqr gllrn ,,r{,e1d,,
pue seSeur lBtueu uSrsepor Lrrlqe uy
'sernlctd
letueru
eteJf,uof, olur petBlsuBJl ,ilssepro;;a JoqtBJaJBsecuauedxa pue sSurlaa;
'uorlemro;ur Sunuooul 'fuoruau
IBnsrAq8nortp rseq JaqruelueJaldoad
no^
iiAZVucuo ardrus'LZYaroN h{,1NVEIAI
 f.6z
'fuoulerusnorf,suocrnor{ur sseoord
aqr xIJ or dlaq lJlznpue ,blnlrce aqr g8norqr Surpeacord;lasrnoL lee;
'uortef,olrlsBe qf,tr^{se Surddlu
tB
PUBeesno,i dleq III/I\ slr{J lesrnoA
aut8eurtPUBJosuasqf,eaol esnoqrnoApunoJeeAolAI'sJosues urooJ
eqr PUBxoq loJruof,eqr ezrlensrn'asnoqrno[ a^Belnol, aro;aqruatsl,s
,buncasrno,{uo runl ol Jequoual ol 8urfur ar,nodJI .steeqetuouonatu
e seSolelecrnoL ul rueqt ol Surlurodpue u/tlop rueqt Surtum 'sprom
egr Surleedspue Sureas,iq'aldurexero; 'lsr1(suortef,rjroeds rcnpord
s,/,uedruoc rnol, Sutztroruerufu1 'suuaqruerueJ;o,{rrlenbeqr anordurr
ot ssauerenefuosues spull rer{to grlrn peurqurof,eq uec pue fuo
Jo
-tueru
IBnsInpoo8 gtlrn IIoJ roJ InJesnere suorlerf,ossee8eur IBtuelAJ
'llBrer ratBlroJ roqf,uB
eJnf,es erourB e^Bq SuueeqpuBSurLes)
11,noL'(t1 IeuuBqf, drotrpne
rno,{ pue (ty Suraas,{11erueur
pue tl Surpear) Iauueqc IBnsrArnod
'(umop l1 Suttum) 'ure8elr ecrtoerd
lauueqf,f,ueqtsaul{rno,{SursnLg
ueqt puB elou rno,t re Surlool ^q ,i;oureruIBnsrArnoL;o i{cerncce
eqr {leqC 'pnol€ }! despue tl azrlensrl,se^{,arno,{esolr ,etou rno,(
pBeU'rueqt acrtcerdpuB uA\ops8uyqralrr^\ ol paeu noi{ ,srqt op oI
'sloot fuoruau sBrueqt esnl,lenrlcenod sselun
IIBteJ
tuanbasqnsro, uouBturoJurerotsno,{dl",{ [11ear](uop tnq fuoueur
uJal rJoqsroy sldruordtear8 eJBseloN'sJepunuarrno,{umop Surlum
Lldtutsle dots l(uop tng 'asnogrnod rnoq8noJqtsef,BldJo,{rauelB ur
parsodpue uenrr^\ setou e^Bql,peerlel,lqegordno ieulr rq8u eqt tB
aceld lq8lr eqr rB eAIJJeot tue/r\no,i I luaulurodde rnod u^\op et.Jd\
sdeznle lnq 'ure8esrqt r{esot peau,tllear t(uop dlqeqorde^r ^{oDI e/N
:(.reqr,uewag ol Ara,, lsnf l(uoq-sepe1e.4g d.rosues,ppl I asfl
'lualue^our rnor(;o uqtr(qJ eqr ol ezrJotuelnl 'uouBJeAJoJe^Bel
nol, aro;eq op ol peeu no,{ s8urqr aqt Jo stuerlf,A\eurnod}o serueueql
teadar 'tuooJaqt ssoJf,B ro urds r{f,BeuO 'erurt erueseqt tB Suuaq
-tuetueJ acncerd 'ectiloIIoJrs
rnod punoJe Surced Jo JrBrlJ {sep rnod ur Suru
-utds ,{1duls peatsul 'ple fuoruaurB sBsseusseltseJ rnol, as61'8ur{f,or
}o
aql Jo utqrrigr eqf of Sutztroruerupue rrerlf,Surloor rnoit ur 3u1rr1s fuI
'pulru rno,{ ur L-roulauerp aJBJId11ecrs,{gduec uonf,BeqJ JJo
1l Peurnrnortraqteq^\ relel repuo/r\ot tou IaeJIII/rtrl Inlepuo/v\ lv\orl
saoHJEI{ ANV SCTNVHCAI{ :AUOh{Ehl
 b6Z
''l'( tr
'eutllno 'IuBq fuoruaru rnor{
letueru B uo Llar no1
ur uorteruJoJul eqr pezrJo8etec,i.lsnornardeneq no'{ asnecaq8op B s.ll
/t\ouI no^ irpear e3re1fuan Jo sA\oroAu lrel
Jo lnFalrod B re^o Sutlser
's8al JnoJgflm 'letutue
tnous B pue IIet euo 'se[e PUBsJBeomt PeJe
-Aoo JnJB sBlseeq eqr aqucsep ol a^Eq t(uoP notr '8op u^\oJg e8rel e se
IuBIIBSSB rno,( lgruapt Allcrnb no,t '3a1rno/, Jo lno alrq B loor rsnl oqm
nod uaql6.
IBturuB snolf,oreJeqr rroder ol punod IBIuIUElecol rno,{.11ec
'tndur
Jo suorlerf,osseeqt ezrue8ro dllerttut no,( ^\oq uo spuedep
Lla8rel serJotueurIIBteJ r{laterncf,Bol hlpqe JnoI ''{rouraru e ldruord
ol uorl€rf,osseue Sutsn et,noA ',,' ' jo aru sPwtueJ lBqL, 'r{esnor( ueql6,
'lno>lJo/r\e sla8 ,i;tzruearc rnori. 'pertnbar ere
suollelf,ossesnollqo sselueq/X\'l,llecrferuotnB dn pe11ecst fuoruau aqJ
'reurnq eqr
#o Suturnl Jo uollre aqr qrl/r\ Surlrsrgm todeal eqr Jo Punos
eql elBrf,ossBno,{-,ilssalrJo#e PUB,(11ect3olJnf,f,o suollelf,ossBeql
serurletuos 'uJoq sr Sutlutql a^ItBeJc PuB Jar{louB ol uI s^tolt,i.11ern1eu
eepl auo 'suonBrJosse snorJBAq8norgr peqsrlduloof,e st ureal no,{
lBq1y\Jo qrnl/{ ssuoqercossv gllltr Paqquloc uopBzTIensIA esrl
'LZV'I rON I^{,1NVEI{ nOA
I2IZVUCUO AIdruS
 962
euo 'sePof,rarlel 3u1snPesI^eP eg uBc SuuegureurerroJ $lf,rrr dueyq
'uorteur8erulrnol,_LgLluo
petrurl sr (senbruqf,etLroureur;qcrn ci
-uoursuur
InjesnSurdolenac :s{rul rruoruaunl uA{o Jnotr lue^ul
isJepunueJlBuortlppedue peeut(uo/r\
Llqeqordno[ '3e1s]] uelorq rsnt seqBoprnoi(pue eqceqtoorelqlrrer
B tuog Suua;;nsel,no,i,JI 'esrnol Jo .peJoqrueuoJeq ot uoseeJcrsurJlur
ou e_^Brl
esr^\Jeqtoplno/\{]Bq] sSurqrJsqruaueJot senJSurprnord[q
.
,{rrxeldruoJerlt ef,nperL11en1ce,ieqt rng .ueprnqfuorueruaqt ot sertxa
SurppeLq s8urqrerecrldruof,sanbrugoatesaqtreql ruais rq8Su r1
'fuoruaruot ruaqt Surllrunuof, ef,ueqJ
Jo
Jetleq qf,nlu B e^Br{noL 'demsnoJotunqB ul luaqt Suralensr^puB
sluell onu egl.8uuted,ig ismetslq ul uonoc
{f,nls gllrn rreqf,lBruap
B uI IrBq 3urd1euBCleerC rno[ Burzrlensrn fut uer noL ,lsrluepeql
ot oB PUB lerr eql IIel ot JaqueureJor e^Eqno,i;1 'sa8erurletuerupuB
suouBrf,osse rnod grlrn e^rtBeJceJotullq B eq ot aABqnol, ,sarulreuos
nor.,11113
eq,
uosrBe,s ::ff:::JTl?itrl;il
1o"a"'$yili:#';i:f
'patf,euuocd11ec13o1eru_srualro/nt eqr ,11p3rnoL roJ{uBt se8agr IIIJpue
doqsJeqctnqeqt or oEot JequeueJot eABqno,f;r-,eouBtsur roC .slsrl
JoJInJesn[pelncrrred st sauo8alecSursndq fuoruerurno,{Surzrue8rg
'lse1x\rCI sl eulBuslq esnBf,eq eqr
rooJts Jo eplstsBear{t uo sr
ecrilo s(Jotf,oprnol ]Bqr Jeqtu€rueJno^ .suouerf,osse uuoj ot sef,uare#lp
puB uosrredruocsasnr{f,rqm Sut4utytTonua"taltrp sr ssra^uor aqJ .s,pllr{l
rno,{ sBeureseqt sr tr esneJeqdepqrrlq s(puau;rno[ JequeueJ no1
',btrellruls^q ruer{tetercossB nod 's8ulrlt raquaurei ot But4urylTocEoprn
asnno^{ueq/A. 'uor}Blf,osse pa(no.r.8
ro pano(}o puH tsaldruisetlt Bursn
ar,no[ 'Tulrp rno[ ro; sse13 B Jo JrBqrno[ uo gruof,E asnno^(ueq16
'Jequeual ol
Paeuno,{sruarlJaqto
eqt ot noL apln8 reqr s8eg euoceq s8urpeaqureurrno .requeuar ol
s8urqr11 \aJa^Bqnoztos sSurpeag urBturepun sacerdep Silrdnor8;o
s[em 1ecr3o1 ro speerq]uounuoc Bur,llruepl rB Trolxt .ecird,tq ecardr1
oP ot ldurelle no,{;l Jeqr.uausJot sllBtep,tueruoot JBJeJBaJaqJ .aull
-tno
IBtuaruB olur elBp1o seoerdeldlrlnru egr rnd o1pesu nol, ,ryo^\ le
lcalord ]ueJJnf,B Jo stuenafuolsrq ,s8opBuuaqruarueJ al,nol,raqlaql6
SCOHJEI^JCNV SCINVHCEY\ :AUOhIEhI
 967.
'eroqs eqt rB te{uelq l{reeq rno^ uo nor{ re Surqruoq e^IP sI lBql eeq
B ruory Suruunr jlesJno^ azrlensrl pue eJoqs-eeq-unJ ol 1l erBISuBJluBf,
nol, '.pg1 eceds ur paTJBdsr rec rno,{ teql JaqueueJ ol Peeu noL uaqlX
'c1a 'pueq euo uo sraBuI,=eAIJ'leclnod, uo
serrt aqt=Jno, 'a18ueut e=eeJql 'rvreseesB uo spf>l=ol\] '1c1ls8uo1=euo
:Lpueragrp Lpg311stsII rnoA dn les senf,IBnsIA ra;erd no,i;1 'cla 'airtg=ellJ
'aroqs=ino; 'aeq=eeryl 'oout-onu 'uru=euo :sonf,
IenSIAro seulr{grJeqlla
'sreqlunu Jequeuer ot ,ten
Sursn sJaqunu jo tsII e dn Sutttes ,tr1
poo8 Jerpoue sr uorterf,ossel€nsrn e qtIA\ Paulquoo ruals,{sSutpoc y
.Jequeual ol Jerseauele s,l1'raqrunu asnoq ro e8e rno[ uIBluoJ
ot uaddeq srred rallBuls eql JI 'srr8rp eerql ro o^\l;o sdnor8 rellerus
ot ur tl {eeJq no,i,ueq^\ IeIsBOrlsnru seuo3eq Jequnu auoqdelef lI8lP
ueles e Suuaqueueg 'esn sn;o l,ueru feql {cIJl Jaqloue st 3ur4unq3
'uaqr SuuaqurerueJ to
'auo,i.q saseerc
seJuBr{Jrno,{ anordurt 11,noA'aen1l Lq puoces eqf pue
.ur requnu qree ur rr31prsrl; eql teqr;lasrnoL Puluer no,i;l lng '{f,Irl
'LZ'bl-1aol
fuorueur B lnoqtl^r requeuar ol tplltilP aq tq31u-0€
rno,{,JoJuonBurquoc eqJ 'ryo/Keurer; e8erots Jelelo e Sutu8tsap ,tq retl
-lurB} uortetuJojur eqr a>lBluot sr sJequnu jo selJesB Jeqlueurar o1 .(tem
euo 'a8eut lBtueru Aue fsaSSns,i,leterParurullou,{eru qllq^\ Jo luoPuEJ
eJ€ qf,rq^\ sJequnu Jo serJase SuuequreuleJ JoJ enllcaJle osle aJBsIsIrJ
.sdrureqt sr 3ur11edsloerroc etp 'snq1 'Sutuado JBInf,JIf,B serl soruJeql B
asneoaqtou s(ll lng 'sTuueql Palleds eq Plnoqs ll e{ll sPunos1l iPlor ro
toq slurrp rno deal ot esn eA\rauletuor eqr jo 3ur11edseqr lnoqe let{l6,
'serpPnqrno se sledtc
ieepl er{l 1e3nol, lurql e^\ tnq
-uud rno ^\oN 'ledrouud
Jo Iulqr ot sn Jo aruos Jo, PrBL{aq ,{eul ll "1
'led
lsntu ssoq s(lootlrs aqt jo 3ur11edslf,erJor eql os uosrad e sr 1edV
-Surpue eqr aqr Jo PBe]suI
Jo lqql ol aq lg8nu If,III auo ;5[drcuud
no,{ uBf, /l\oH
JEdrcuud aqt sI lootlrs eql Jo ssoq aqr r€qr reqrueruer
'senf, ,(ue lnogrlA\ Ireql JequerueJ
of 8urfuf rno,{ uBrlt ,t11crnbpue l,lastcard eJolu selueu aqf dn slles aPoc
'otreluO 'uorn11 :se{B-I
renal e^I' eql 'rouadng PuB alrfl 'ue8rqcr;,11
tearC e^I, eqt IIBler ot S A W O H Pro/r\ eql Susn sI euo uA\oDI IIa^{
nOI
il,tzvuc uo aldnrs't\zvaroN h{,1NVEIAI
 L6Z
tng 'f,IsnruSurl,uedruoccedq parearce8essatuaqt pue eurl l,rots eqt Jo
esnBsaq stuanardtr uBql suortsBJlsrp
eJourselBal),t11ecrdrbuorsr^eleJ
'no,{ro; S>lJo,r._'[ue 'f,lsnru]Br.{A{
IIOA,!, JI tno arn8rJot peou ll,noL jr8urureal
Jo sPul{_aluos ro; dorplreq anltf,e#eLpelncruede s crsnruanboregterli
parsaSSns e^Br{serpntstuof,eJq8noqrly .lueuuoJrnuerno[ ur sesrou
snoauBuxeeql tno 8ur>1lolql,q pueq t€
lsEr er{t uo nod punorSol
sdlaqosle1l 'rueorol purlu rno[ srrru:adreqr rirnb;o asuedxeeqr lno Bur
-{rolq JoJ uB eq uBf,,f,rsnuLpelncrued,esloupunor8lceg
loot alrtoe3i}e
'sluooJJnouI qseP eql
lBt{l SutltcxeeJoluqf,nru saceldol suorsJnf,xepue
sdur pulru Inlepuo^\ retsoJ uec larnf isn eruosro; BurlcBrtsrp,ifsuy
Jo
-telf,nJf,xeaq uBf,larnb trllear ul .TJEruar{t pessrueABqLeursuotuJes
Jleql 'suollcellslPou grlm BoJBlernb B ur eJBIdaler lsntu Surureel
tBqt sreadroJ paqleord e^Bq elllB sraqf,BatpuB stueredqSnoqllv
ltseJos eroqt la8 ,teqr plp znog iilo tl urnl
l,uPlp no,i;l /\{olloJplno^\ rer{t secuanbesuoc aqt Jo stBerqterrp r{tr/r\
rooPrno[ lB eAIrrBs]ueredrno,{plp 'uorrnq renod eqr tlq noi rer;e
Wuo^Jasqlg,ulqll/)fi. luo Peurnl nod tas uolsrlelet ro orpgr aqr;o reznod
leolSeu LlSurulaaseqr lB pezeruedllenurtuoonoL eram:>porneruorl rno,i,
Suroppltqc B ere^rnod ueqlfi 3esroNpunor8rlaug io crsn;,q asrl
sdIL EuSueef IBreuaC
'?untna1"tafto se slr{t or JeJeJsJorBf,npE'suorssesJerlJEeruo$ uoueruJoJur
Peureal l,llerrred eql uo pllnq pue uaa^{r3q ur acrlcerd,tlleruro;ur ol
no[ selqeue snll 'erult ralo pecttcerd s,]l rseq peureter sr uorleuuo]ul
'[pnrs o] elnulru JI
tsBI eqr lltun tre,t\ ot tou noL peuren dlpereadar riSqi
ueqlr ouo srrp tnoqe rq8u eJaA\sJaqJBetJnoI iIJoA\ t(uot\ suorssesruBJC
(ule8B-f,8eterls
iure8e pue ure8e PuB aqt af,rtcerd 'acrtcerd ,ecrtcerd
ueqt puv 'tl eJots ot pasn nod r{SereJtseqt A\erAeJ,Bunpauos
IIBf,aJol
eurrt s,tl uer{a\ 'lleA{ fuan
{Jo^/\ t(uoiu,plJoA{eqt ut senbrurlcet fuouraru
tseq eqt 'psreeqar peuuBld rnoqll16 iesreeqeg .asruaqau .asreeqag
:ffiT,T:J;::,Tl;;i:H::il
f,rsurl,ur^ueeneq,,#;u,T;i:fi
derunoL ,ecrlcerdqrl/N .pareclldtuoJtuees,{erusrqrecuel8rsrg ly
scloHJ.ay\ctNV sctNVHcEIAi:IUOI.^,IEIAI
 862
'srauJealclteqtseq{ pue froltpne 'lenstn ro;
'tndut €rBPgtlrn perred,{ltntlle
1ryd1aqoq uBf, lecrsLqd [tV isaslrrexa
JooU rno[ op no^,i,ellq/\{ oePI^ Sutureel E q3]B/!\ no,i.ue3 iJeProf,eJ
edet rnoL uo 8ut,(e1dsafou Suttaeru Sutruocdn rno[ qllrlt {lBA'\{slJq
e 8ur1er ro a>[lQaslf,rexorno,i.leped no,i ellt{rl Burpear ]noqe rBq^4N
'eapl peq B eq tou rq8rru s1eerqSuunp 3ur133ntrng
iqllBaq letrs,iqd rnol ot snoprezeqPuB Suttcerlslp oor llq PBt e aq lq8tul
qql 'slleq el; 3ur133ntLg Surureal Sutnordurl lnoqB SutpPtI ereA\a/X\
'Surnoru [q srqr
op uerlo uec al1 'len; IBuoItlPPe ut dund ,{lsnonulluor ol Peeu e.ry\
'pelllJ Dluet a8erols rno daal oI
illld Surdaelsluelsul uB eq u€c {ooq
'Perll ureld
f,nuof, B uerlt xelduloc erotu 8urqf,{ue PBaJot u1v\oP3uru15
'l"tJ uleJq
rsnl pue pasnoJeJapun,tlSurseaJJureruoceq eA\ Jo saf,JnoseJ
re8eeurrno dn esn e^\ sV'sluet e8erotsIenj Ietueur IIElus Lleuerlxa a^Br{
uBf, sn;o Luey4 :sileg arlf, al88n[ ro e]ilg asrtraxg ue apIU '{e \
'peeJot JersBeaJoJeJeqtpue JeJBallpue rafuegs reedde txet eqt seleru,tc
.ueredsuert aq1 'uolsuaqerdruoc jo la^el eqt PUBSurpeer rno,( Jo alBr aql
anordur uBJ {ooqpueq Lcrlod rno,( ur e8ed e JeAo [cuaredsueJ] Joloc B
3urce14 'snf,oj rno,{ ut l1nf uBOrolor eI{J 'ryozmaded rno,( rePun Preoq
relsod parolof, Llrq8uq;o ecerd e8rel B esn 'leuuetlJ IBnsIA Suorts rno,i,
'rauJeel
Jo asn e{BIu ueo aced$lJo/n rno,i, ot Jolof, SutPPV IBnsI^ eql
ro;,{11reruud drl raqlouB sl sHI :Eururea1 ezlurfxen ol roloC asn
'serult reqto aqr ror Burqsen rBf, eqt e^Bel PUBseulr lead esaql
'Jeqloue ueql Aep rno,{'
Suunp 8uru.rea1esuelul elnpaqts ot Peeu no
l,eru noL
;o fred euo Sutrnp lualf,I#e aloru Llleraue8 ere no/, fegf pur;
rng 'enBItBJpue IBsnorB;o selcl,r elqetclPardun L14e; e^Eq ,i11ectdl'r
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 Reterences
i Stills,G.F. (1902).Someabnormalpsychological conditionsin children,Lancet. i, 1008-1012,1077-
1082,1163.1168.
2 Goldstein, M. (1990).Managing
S. andGoldstein, AttentionDisorders in Children.NewYork:John
WileyandSons.
3 AmericanPsychiatric (1968).Diagnostic
Association. andstatisticalmanualof mentaldisorders (2nd
ed.).\Uashington,DC: Author.
4 AmericanPsychiatric (1980).Diagnostic
Association. andstatisticalmanualof mentaldisorders (3rd
ed.).Washington, DC: Author.
5 AmericanPsychiatric (1987).Diagnostic
Association. andstatisticalmanualof mcntaldisorders (4th
ed.). Washington,DC: Author.-
6 Zu*.tkin, A.J.,Nordahl,T.E.,Gross,M., King,A.K.,Semple, !il.E.,Rumsey, J.,Hamburger, S' &
Cohen,R.M.(1990).Cerebral glucose
meabolismin adultswith hyperactivity of childhoodonset.The
NewEngland Joumalof Medicine,323(30),136l-1366.
7 Zm.tkin, A.J.,& Rapoport, (198i).Neurobiology of attentiondeficitdisorder with hyperactivity:
J.
wherehavewecomein 50yearsllournalof theAmericanAcademy of Child andAdolescent Psychiary,
26,676.686.
8 Leuine,M. (198?).DevelopmentalVariation andLeamingDisorders Cambridge, Massachusetts:Educators
PublishingServiceInc.
9 Ingersoll,
B. (1988).YourHyperactiveChild:A ParentsGuideto Copingwith AttentionDeficit Disorder.
NewYork:Doubleday.
10T.11.g.n,A., Lykken,D.T.,Rich,S.,Bouchard, N.L. (i988).Personality
T.J.,Wilcox,K.J.& Segal,
similarity
in twinsreared andSocialPsychology,54
JoumalofPersonality
apartandtogether. 6),1031-1039.
11Ch.rr, S.,& Thomas.(1984).OriginandEvolutionof Behavior FromInfancyto EarlyAdult
Disorders:
Life.NewYork:Brunner/Mazel.
12Ingerroll,B. YourHyperactiveChild.
13F.ingold,B. (19?5).\UhvYourChild isHyperactive.
NewYork:RandomHouse.
14 Sri,h, L. (1975).YourChild'sBehavior NewYork:RandomHouse.
Chemistrv.
15Toffl.r,A. (19?0).FutureShock.NewYork: RandomHouse.
16Co*ingr,D.E.(1990).TouretteSvndrome andHumanBehavior. Press.
Duarte,California:Hope
17Erikron,E.H.(1950).ChildhoodandSocietv.
New York:\il.\7. Norton& Co.
18W.irr, G. & Hechtman,L.T. (1986).Hvperactive
ChildrenGrownUp. NewYork:TheGuilfordPress.

4r4
 RerpRrNces
ll--

19W.irr, G. & Hechtman, L.T. HvperactiveChildrenGrownUp.

20W.irr, G. & Hechtman, L.T. Hyperactive ChildrenGrownUp.
21Leuine,M. DevelopmentalVariation andLeamingDisorders,
22Gol.rnrn,D' (1992,JanuaryiFebruary). \Toundsthatneverheal:howtraumachanges yourbrain.Psychology
Today,pp.62,66,88.
23Kil.u, D. (1983).The PeterPanSvndrome. NewYork:Avon.
24Al.hoholi.sAnony*our.A.A. !7orldServices:New
York,NewYork.
25Longr.r.,D.l. (1980).LivingMorewith Less.Scottdale,
Pennsylvania:HeraldPress.
26Drrdig, e. Heward, \iil.L.(1981).(Znded.).SignHere;a contracting
J,C. bookforchildrenandtheirparents.
Ann Arbor,Michigan:EdwardBrothers.
27Winrro.,,S. (1978).GettingOrganized. NewYork:WamerBooks.
28Lrpp,D. (198?).Don'tForget: EasyExercises
for a BetterMemoryat Any Age.NewYork:McGraw.Hill.
29s.h.ib.r, B. andTalpers, (198?)UnlockingPotential.
J. Maryland:AdlerandAdler.
30 S.h.ib.r, B. andTalpers, UnlockingPotential.
J.
31 S*ith, S. (1986).No EasyAnswers. The LeamingDisabled Child at Homeandat School.Newyork:
BantamBooks.
32 Silu.r,L. (1984)TheMisunderstood Child.NewYork:McGraw.Hill.
33 S.h.ib.r, B. andTalpers, Unlockin&Potential.
J.
34Cousins, N. (1989).HeadFirst.The Biologyof Hope.NewYork:Dutton.
35 Gli.k, D. (1992, 13).Newagemeetshippocrates. p. 58.
Jul1, Newsweek.
36U/.irr, G. & Hechtman, L.T. Hyperactive
ChildrenGrownUp.
37W.irr, G. & Hechtman, L.T. Hyperactive
ChildrenGrownUp.
38W.irr, G. & Hechtman, L.T. Hyperactive
ChildrenGrownUp
39Goldrt.in,S.& Goldstein,M. (1990).Managing AttentionDisorders
in Children:A GuideforPractitioners.
NewYork:Wiley.
40 M.di.rlEconomics Company. (1991).Physicians (45thed.),Author.
DeskReference.
41Comings,
D.E. TouretteSyndrome
andHumanBehavior.
42Clrrk, B. V. (1990).PharmacologicalBasis
S.& Burke,Karb, of NursingPractice.
Queener, St.Louis:C.V.
MosbyCompany.
43 Ing.rsoll,B. YourHyperactive
Child.
44 !f.nd.,, P.H.,& Reimherr,F.W.(1990).Bupropion treatmenr
of attnention.deficit
hyperactivity
disorder
in adults.
AmericanJoumal 147(8),1018.1020.
of Psvchiatrv,
45 S9l*i, P,M., Klein,M.H.,Greist, H.P.(1991).Computer.administered
J.H.,Sonell,S.P.& Erdman, therapy
fordepression,M.D. Computing, 8 (2),98.102.
46Ayr.r, A.J. (1981).SensoryIntegration andtheChild.LosAngeles, Califomia:WestemPsychological
Services.
47Liul., P.(1990,October12.14).Mind gameforthe90's.USA !ileekend,p.16.
48\ilillirrnr, G. (1990,
June).Experiencingetemity.Longevity,
pp.52.58.
49 Cousins, N. HeadFirst.The Biologyof Hope.
50Addu.i,L. (1991,September 3). Mv childcouldn'tpayattention.
womensDay.p. 102,106.
51Rroo,D,J.(19?9).Allergies andtheHyperactive child. NewYork:Simon& schuster.

415
 RereRpNcEs

52F.ingold,B. YourChild'sBehaviorChemistry.
53 D..k.r, P.F.(1985).Innovation
andEntrepeneurship:
PracticeandPrinciples.: NewYork:Harper& Row.
54 Kolb.,K. (1990).The ConativeConnection:
UncoveringtheLink Between\ilho YouAre andHowYou
Perform. NewYork:Addison\fesley.
55Noel/Levitz (1989,October).Visualof1obskillsfor thenineties,
Conference. presentation
at Thomas
MoreCollege.
56Nrirbitt, (1984).(Znded.).Megatrends. NewYork:Wamer Books.
J.
57 Nrirbitt, & Aburdene,P. (1990).Megatrends
2000:TenNewDirections for the 1990's.
NewYork Monow.
J.
58Nrirbitt,j. & Aburdene,P.Megatrends2000:TenNewDirections for the 1990's.

4t6
 AppsNorx A
-I

Susgested
Reading
List
Bain, L. (1991). A ParentsGuide to AttentionDeficit Disorders.New
York: Dell.

Comings, D.E. ( 1990). Towette Syndrome

and Human Behnuior.
Califomia: Hope Press.

Cowart,V.S.(1988)."The ritalin controversy:what'smadethis drug's

opponentshyperactivel" Joumal of the American Medical
Associatton, 259,257.I.7523.

Dardig,J.C. and Heward,\7.L. (1981). Stg,nHere: AConwacangBook

for Childrenanl"Their Paren*. Bridgewarer,New Jersey:F,Fournies&
Associates.

Gauthier,M. (1984). "Stimulant medicationsin adultswith attention

deficit disorder".CanadianJournalof Psychiatry,439 (79), 435.440.

Golin, M., Bricklin, M., Diamond, D. and the RodaleCenter for

ExecutiveDevelopment.(I99I). Secrets of ExecutiveSuccess.
Emmaus,
Pennsylvania:RodalePress.

Goldstein, S. and Goldstein, M. ( 1990). ManagingAttentionDisorders

in Children.New York: John Wiley and Sons.

Ingersoll,B. ( 1988). Yow HyperactiqreChill,: A Parent'sGuide to Coping

with Attention Deficit Disorder.New York: Doubleday.

L"pp, D. ( 1987). Don't Forget:Easy Exercises

for a BetterMemoryat

41,7
 Succesrr,o RsaDINc Ltsr

Att) Agr. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Levine, M. D. ( 1987) . D eqt Variationand LearningDisorders.

elopmental
Cambridge,Massachusetts: EducatorsPublishingService,Inc.

Levine, M.D. ( 1990). Keeping

AheaAin School.Cambridge,
Massachusetts: EducatorsPublishingService,Inc.

Liden,C.B., Zalenski,J.R.and Freytag,L.(1992).Attention deficit

disorder:Towardestablishinga standardof carefor adults.Transacnon
Monograph , (No.2). TlansactHealth CareSystems,
Senes 7566
HaymakeqMonroeville,PA 15146.

LorayneH. and Lucas,J. (1974).TheMemoryBook New York:

DorsetPress.

Marres,J.A. and Boswell,L. (1984)."Methylphenidateeffectson symp-

tomsof ADD in adults". Achivesof GeneralPsychiatry,41,105-106.

Satir,V. (I97 6) . MakingC ontnct.Berkeley,California:CelestialArts.

and
Scheiber,B. and Thlpers,J.(198i ) . UnlockingPotential:CoILege
Other Choicesfor LearningDisabl.ed PeopLe-AStepby StepGuide.
Maryland:Adler and Adler.

Silver, L. B. (1991) . Attention-DeficitHyperactiuityDisorder: A Clinica|

Guideto Diagnosis andTreatment.Washington,DC: American
PsychiatricPress,Inc.

Thnnen,D. ( 1990).YouJustDon't (Jnderstand.

New York: William
Morrow and Company.

Turecki,S. (1985).TheDfficultChild".New York:Bantum.

'Weiss,
G. and Hechtman,L.T. ( 1986). HyperactiqteChildrenGrown
Up. New York: Oxford University Press
'Weiss,
L. (1992). AnentionDeficirDisorderin Adu\ts:PracticalHelpfor
andTheir Spouses.
Sufferers Dallas,Texas:Taylor Publishing.

418
 SuccgsrEn Rp,qDrNGLrsr

\fender, P.H.,& Reimherr,F,\7.(1990). "Bupropiontreatmentof

attention-deficithyperactivitydisorderin adults".American Journal
147(8), 1018-1020.
of Psychiatry,

\Uender,P.H. ( 1987). The HyperactiueChill", Adolescent,

and Aduh:
AttentionDeficit DisorderThroughtheLifespan.New York: Oxford
University Press.

\Uinston,S. (1978). GettingOrganiTed.

New York:WarnerBooks.

Wolkenberg,E (1987,October 11)."Out of a darkness".

New York
TimesMagazine,pp. 62, 66, 70, 82.83.

Woods,D. (1986)."The diagnosisand treatmentof attentiondeficit

disorder,residualtype". PsychiatricAnnals, 16, 73-28.

Yellin,A.M., Hopwood,J.H. and Greenberg,L.M. (1982)."Adults

and adolescentswith ADD: clinical and behavioralresponses
to
psychostimulants".Journalof Clinical Psychophamacology,7, I33-
t36.
Zametkin,A.J. et al. (1990)."Cerebralglucosemetabolismin adults
with hyperactivityof childhood onset".The New EnglandJournalof
Medicine.323 (20). 1361.1366.

419
 -AppeNorx B

Resource
List
ADDult Support Network
M"ry JaneJohnson, 2620lvy Place,Toledo,OH 43613
This organizationis really a one-womanoperation, but M"ry Jane
Johnsonhas done a superbjob of developinga nationwide network for
ADD adults.Thenetwork publishesa quarterly newsletter(ADDult
News), has a pen pal programand compilesinformational packetsfor
ADD adults.Ms. Johnsonis alsocollecting data on adult ADDers
through a questionnaireshehas designed.If you are interestedin par-
ticipating in her research,write to Mary Janeand requesta question-
naire. She has also informed us that she is organizinga national ADD
adult conferencescheduledsometime in 1993.The conferencewill
most likely be held in the Midwest and will probablybe just the first
of many to follow.

Attention Deficit Resource Center

LawrenceL. Melear,Ph.D., Directot 1344JohnsonFerryRoad,
Suite 14, Marietta,GA 30068 1-800-537-3784(voicemail)
The center is a non-profit clearinghousefor information on Attention
Deficit Disorderwith a specialfocuson ADD in adults.It publishesa
bimonthly newsletter,The ADDVISOR, that offersa wealth of prac-
tical information on coping with ADD as an adult. Books and cassette
tapeson the topic of adult ADD are availablethrough the Center's
resourceservices.There are alsoperiodic conferences,workshops,and
home-studyprogramsfor ADD adults.Write for free information.

420
 Rrsounce Lrsr

Attention-Deficit Disorders Association (ADDA)

PO. Box 972,Mentor, OH 44061 1-800-48i-2282

Children with Attention Deftcit Disorders (CHADD)

499 Northwest 70th Avenue,Suite 308 Plantation,FL 33317
(305)s87-3700
Both theseorganizationsserveasnational clearinghouses
for infor-
mation, supportand advocacyfor ADD individuals.CHADD has
numeroussatellitesupportgroupsthroughout the country.

Challenge, Inc.
PO. Box 488,\7. Newbury MA 01985(508) 462-0495,
(800)7.33.2377.
Challenge,Inc. is a national,nonprofit,parent-based organization
foundedin 1986.The organization's primaryfocusis its bimonthly
newsletter,Challenge, which wasthe first national newsletteron
Attention Deficit Disorder,and which featuresarticleson children as
well asadults.Challenge,Inc. offersmembersmany other benefits,
such asprescriptionmedicationat wholesaleprices.

Individual Membership- $25ly ear

ProfessionalsMembership-$4llyear (for professionalsin the field
who wish to be listed on Challenge'sProfessionalReferralList)

DisabledUSA
President'sCommitteeon Employmentof the Handicapped1111
20th Street N\7, 6th Floor,\il7ashington,
DC 20036
This publication includesreportsabout the continuing progressfor dis-
abledindividualsand new opportunitiesfor rehabilitationemployment.

Learning Disabilities Association (LDA) (formerly the

Association for Children and Adults with Learning Disabilities)
4156LibraryRoad,Pittsburgh,PA 15734(417) 341.1515
This international organizationof parentsof learning disabledchil-
dren, adults with learningdisabilitiesand professionalshas approxi.
mately 800 state and local affiliateswhoseactivitiesinclude educa-
tion, legislationand research.The Nen^usbnefs newsletteris published
six times a year and includesinformation about new developmentsin
the field. Freeinformationalpacketsand numerouspublications,

42r
 Rpsounce Lrsr

including a list of post-secondaryprograms,are also availablefrom

the LDA.

National Netrvork of I-earning Disabled Adults (NNLDA)

808 \Uest82nd Street, F--2, Scottsdale,AR 85257
Formedin 1980,the NNLDA providesa supporrnetwork for leam-
ing disabledadults,self-helpgroups,and national organizations.It
also advocatesfor accommodationsfor the learning disabledadult in
institutions and the work place.National activitiesinclude a newslet-
ter and annual workshop.

National Rehabilitation lnformation Center (NARIC)

8455 ColesvilleRoad, Suite 935 Silver Spring,MD, 709L0-33L9
(301)s88-e284;
(800)34-NARIC
For a nominal fee,this organizationcan searchits databasefor information
regardingthe rehabilitationor employmentof individualswith disabilities.

Orton Dyslexia Society

8600 LaSalleRoad,ChesterBldg.,Suite 382 Baltimore,MD 2L704
(800)ABC.DI23
Numerousstateand local chapten of the intemational Orton Societypro-
vide educationand promoteresearchin dyslexia.A variety of materials,a
newsletterand information aboutpost secondaryeducationoptioru are
available.The Orton Societyalsoholdsnational and sate conferences.

OSERS News in Print

Office of SpecialEducation and Rehabilitative Services330 C Street,
SW fOtS SwitzerBldg.,\Tashington,DC 20707
This newsletter conmins ongoing reports about federal activities
related to individuals with disabiliries.

STEP Systematic Tiaining For Effective Parenting

STEP AGS Publishers'Building, Circle Pines,MN 55014
STEP groupsare offeredby variouscommunity organizations,local
schools,community centers,churches,synagogues, adult education
programsand mental health providers.For additional information,
contact the national STEP coordinator.

4ZZ
 Rr,souncr, Ltsr

Vocational and PostsecondarvSchool Organizations

Association of Independent Collegesand Schools

One Dupont Circle, NW \Tashington, DC 20036
A free directory is availablethat includesa list of 630 accreditedpri-
vate businessschoolsand collegesin the United States.

National Center for Research in Vocational Education

1960Kenny Road,Columbus,OH 43710(800) 848-4815;
(614) 486-3655in Ohio
The center offersa variety of materialson technical education,career
planning and employment preparation.

National Association for Ti.ade and Technical Schools

7Z5Z'S7isconsinAvenue, N\7, \Tashington, DC 20007
This associationdistributesa handbookwith lists of accreditedtrade
and technical schoolsthroughout the United States.

National Association of Vocational Education Special Needs Per,

sonnel (NAVESNP)
Z0Z014th Street,Arlington,VA 72201(703)572-6IZL
This national organizationof professionalsin vocational education,
focuseson the educationalneedsof handicapped,disadvantaged,and
other specialneeds'individuals.

Learning Materials
A.D.D.Warehouse
300 Northwest 70th Avenue,Suite 102,Plantation,FLA 33317
(800)233-e273
This catalogoffersa variety of books and tapesavailablefor purchase.
Although other sourcesmay be lessexpensive,this is an excellent
compilation of availablematerials.

Recording for the Blind, Inc.

(RFB) 20 RoszelRoad,Princeton,NJ 08540 (800) ZZt-4492or (609)
457-0606in New Jersey

423
 REsouncnLrsr

Approximately 60,000free-of-chargerecordingsare availableby mail.

Gpes can be bonowed for one year.All requestsmust be accompanied
by an applicationform and detaileddiagnosticinformation regarding
the individual'sneed for theserecordings.Eligibleindividualsinclude
thosewho are visually,physicalh and perceptuallyhandicapped.

Talking Books
National Library Servicefor the Blind and PhysicallyHandicapped
The Library of Congress(NLS) 1791Taylor Street,N\7 \Tashington,
(202) 882-5500
DC 70542
Popularnovels,classicalliterature,magazines,etc. are availablefree
of chargeto individualswith specificreadingdisabilities.The collec-
tion is availablethrough local and regionallibraries.

Pleasenote that the tapcsavailnblefrom eachof thesesourcesmust be playedon specialtape players

that are availablefor loan.

Variable Speed Thp" Recorders

Available at Radio Shack,other electronics'retail storesand mail
order catalogs,thesetape recorderspermit changingplaybackspeed
without lossof voice quality.

Newsletters for ADD Adults

ADDendum,
PaulJaffe,editor c/o CPS, 5041-ABacklick Road,Annandale,VA
22003

ADDult NEWS, Mary JaneJohnson,editor

76Z0IvyPlace,Toledo,OH 43613

Theseare excellentnewsletters,eachwith its own particularspe-

cialry. ADDendumhtghlightsthe latestresearchwhile rhe ADDuh
NE\fS focuseslargelyon the personalexperiences of ADD adults.
We highly recommend both these quarterlynewsletters.

The ADDVISOR
Seethe Attention Deftcit ResourceCenter in the sectionon organi-
zations,for information on this newsletterthat includesvaluable
information for ADD adults.

424
 REsouRcr Lrsr

Computer Resourcesand Software

ABLEDATA National Rehabilitation Information Center
The Catholic Universityof America, 4407Eighth Sreet, NE
\Tashington,DC 20017 (202) 635-5822This cenrerdistributesa
detailedlist of commercialproductsfor useby individualswith a vari-
ety of handicaps.

Electronic Bulletin Boards

(Accessedvia Modemsand PersonalComputers)
A variety of on-line supportgroupsare availablethrough several
computerservices.For example,America On-Line@ has a Disabili.
ties Forum that includesa folder relatedto ADD in adults.ProdigyO
and CompuServe@alsohave ADD bulletin boards.Look for files
labeledAttention Deficits, LearningDisabilities,etc. You can ner-
work with other ADDers acrossthe counrry through thesefiles.

Macintosh Editing Software and Letter Tbmplates

ktterworks @
Round Lake Publishing

American Handbook of BusinessLetters@

Nova DevelopmentCorporation

Quickletter@
\Torking Software,Inc.

Correct Grammar@
\Triting Tools'Group

Macintosh Organization Softrvare

First Things First@

Visionary Software

42s
 RpsouRcr, Ltsr

MiscellaneousMacintosh Software

Last Resort@
rWorkingSoftwareInc.
This is for impulsive ADDers who fail to back up their work or use
surgeprotectors! This softwaremaintains a copy of every keystroke
and enablesyou to recreatethe document you lost when you forgot
to saveyour work or when the power went out.

Mindset@
VisionarySoftware
This is a wonderful positive self-talk product that displayspersonal
affirmations.Phrasessuch as,"l acceptmyselfhere and now" and "l
trust the intelligencewithin me" flash acrossthe top of your screenat
periodicintervals.

IBM Letter Tbmplates

K"y Cortespondence@
SoftKey

IBM Organization Software

About Time@
Inc.
SoftSystems

Messages@
SoftwareGrove

Commence@
Inc.
Jensen-James,

426
 lndex
AA (Alcoholics Anonymous),
IZ8-29, 138, 365, 367
acceptance:
of diagnosis,I7l-23
of imperfections,lI3-14
access,as fourth step of
memory, 74-75, 780-82
acquisition,as first step of
memory,71
action:
cognitive tempo and, 64-65
inaction balanceand, 62-64
reactiontime and, 66-67, 75
will and, 65-66
active working memory,72-73
ADD, seeAttention Deficit
Disorder
ADD Council of Greater
Cincinnati, 7, 1,53,367
additives,food, 74
adolescence, 345
decrease of hyperactivityin,
lL, 39
identity vs. confusionin,
39-42
"l don't care" attitude in, 38,
4l
medicationand, 308
risky behaviorin, 41, 82-83
477
adoption studies,22
adrenalin(epinephrine),18
age and ADD, 30-45
in adolescents,39-47.
in adults,47-45
in elementaryschool
children, 35-39
hyperactivityand, Il', 39
in preschoolers, 33-35
in toddlers,30-33
aggression, 44
alcohol, 43
alcoholics,alcoholism,I75,
133, 316,318
AlcoholicsAnonymous(AA),
IZ8-79, 138, 365, 367
Alducci, L., 378
alertness,regulationof, L9-20
allergies,35, 379
alteredcognitivetempo, 64*65
American Medical Association
(AMA), 308
American Psychiatric
Association(APA), 9, 10
Anafranil (Clomipramine), 345
analogicalthinking, 795
analysis,Freudian,350, 351,
356-57, 360
Analytic Psychotherapy, 357
 -INoEx
anger, 116, 734-35
answeringmachines,258
antidepressants,54, 330,
336_44
Bupropion (\Tellbutrin) , 344
MAO inhibitors,339-40
tricyclic,328, 336-38
seealsoProzac
antipsychotics,346-47
anxiety, memory and, 288-89
APA (American Psychiatric
Association),9, 10
apologizing,L65
appointmentcalendars,269,
270-7r
Assertiveness Training, 368-69
Associationfor Children with
Learning Disabilities,302
associations,visualization
combinedwith, 294-95
asthma,35
attention,8, 9, 246
advantageof lack of, 384-85
manifestationsof problems
with, 11-13
neurologicalcontrol center
for, 327-78
one channel operational
systemand, 48-49
selective,62
seealsomemory
Attention Deficit Disorder
(ADD):
alcoholismcomparedwith,
133
benefits
of, 38I-404
definition of, 8
diagnosisand treatmentof, 3,
8-11 , 106-23
428
differencescausedby, 46-79
fantasyof future and, 4IL-I3
impact of growing up with,
79-45
initial discoveryol 106
labelsgiven to, 8-9
learningdisabilitiesand,
30r-z
as maliciousbehavior, 74-?,5
prevalenceof, 25-26
researchon, 8-9 , 16-17,
rg-25,310-11
as running in families, 206
substanceabuseand, 316-17
symptomsof, 10-15, 46-79
with and without
hyperactivity,9- 10, 73, 28
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity
Disorder(ADHD), 9
audiologists,
34-35
auditory leaming, 286
auditory memory, 283, Z9Z
auto-defenseand attack mode.
r66
axons,17-18
Ayres, A. Jean, 369-70
balance,124-46, 369, 37I
importanceof, LZ4-25
maintenanceof, 145-46
"one rat study" and, l3Z, I34
personalscheduleand,
r3z-33
problematicaspectsof, I?.6
questionsfor evaluatingissues
of, 130-31
safetynets and, 138-39
simplicity/complexity
equarionand, 140-42
 INp*
slicing and dicing techniques
for, L43-45
betweenstructureand
freedom, 125-26
value of examining issues
involving, 127-28, 143
bargaining,after diagnosis,118
bartering,I44, l8Z
bedwetting,336
BehavioralTherapy, 350, 351,
353-55, 359
Better, Cathy, IZ3
biofeedback,377-79
blame:
as defensemechanism,85-86
and disapproval,cycle of, see
developmentalages
theoryof,2L-73, 7.4,29
blood pressure,370-71,
331-32, 339, 340, 345
blood tests,108, 337, 346
body language,L50-52, 155.,
165, 168, 169, 170, I7Z,
ztt
bone marrow suppression, 337
boredom, 11, 43, 98, l4l
boundaryneeds,7IZ-13
brain, 9, 126, 37I
filtering mechanismof, 51
frontal lobesof, 18*19
imagingand, 16
two primary componentsof,
377
seealsoinformation
processing;
neurotransmitters
Brain Massage,373-74
brain scans,108
brainstem, 377, 369
429
breathing, deep, 288
budgets,143
bulimia, 341
bulldozers,103
bulletin boards,264
Bupropion (Wellbutrin) , 344
Bush,George,150
Buspirone(Buspar),347
caffeine,349
calendars,appointment,7.69,
270-71
Canada,345
cancerwellnessprograms,376
can't/shouldn'tdo list, 137-38
Caramazepine (Tegretol),344
carbon paper, 757-58
careers,seework
Catepres(Clonidine), 344-45
CAT scans,17
centralnervoussystem(CNS),
328, 34L, 371
ADD as disorderof, 8,
, rZ5,17.6
46-47
early damageto, 73
messenger systemof' 17- 18
cerebralhemisphere,327
childbirth:
complicationstn, 23
natural techniquesfor, 377
children, 345
allergiesand, 379
hyperactivityand, 9, 27-28
lead poisoning and, 73
negativeself-perception
developedby, 5-7
Ritalin'seffecton, 307-8
SensoryIntegration and, 371
society'sundervaluingof, 177
 -INor,x
children (cont.\
spacingol 208-9
temperamentalstylesof,
zz-23
Tourette Syndromeand,
332-33
tricyclic antidepressants
and,
336
seealsodevelopmentalages;
family relatibnships
"chip on the shoulder"attitude,
90-91
chiropractors,308
chlorpromazine(Thorazine),
346
choice, memory and, 289-90
chores, family, 737
chunking, 796
Cincinnati, University of,
302-3
Clinical Depression,54
Clomipramine (Anafran iI), 345
Clonidine (Catepres),344-45
closure, 44, 388
CNS, seecentral nervoussystem
codependency,85
coding, memoryand, 7I-7?.,
296_97
Cognitive Psychotherapy,
352-53,359
cognitivetempo, 64-65
collectiveunconscious,
357
Comic personalitysketch,
399-401
communication,407
art vs. scienceof, L49-52
computersand, 148-49
importanceof skills in, 148,
157.,200
430
mannersand, 157.-54
socialhazardsin, 152-56
technologyand, 179-80
telephonesand, 154-56
unspokenrules in, 164
verbal vs. nonverbal, 150-52
written, I82
seealsorelationships;speech
Community Times, 123
complexity/simplicityequation,
r40-47
computers,406-7
Cognitive Psychotherapy
and,
353
communicationand, 148-49
leaming stylesand, 181-82
random accessmemory of,
77-73
usefulnessof, 758-59
consultants,190, 191
continuing educationclasses,
182
control, as defensemechanism,
95-97
convergentretrieval, 75
coping strategies,seedefense
mechanisms
Corgard (Nadolol), 347
counterculturetherapy, 309
Cousins,Norman, 309, 375
cravings,54-55
creativity, 44-45, 385-86
credit cards,43
Cylert (pemoline),330, 335-36
Dardig,Jill C. , 238
dating, 194-Z0I
descriptionsof relationships
in, 194-99
survival tips for, 199-Z0I
 -INogx
deep breathing, 288
defensemechanisms,80-105,
1 3 03, 5 1
blame, seeblame
charactersketch descriptions
of, 97 -I03
"chip on the shoulder"
attitude, 90-91
control, 95-97
denial, 93-94, 116-17
examplesof, 87-97
Freudiananalysisand, 357
function of, 80-81
learnedhelplessness,94-95
manipulation,88-90
overuseof, 81'-82
perfectionism,83-85
risky behavior,82-83
"take me or leave me"
arritude, 97-93
"who cares"attitude, 86-88,
90
withdrawal, 90
dendrites,17-18
denial:
as defensemechanism,93-94
in grief process,116-17
depression,I41,, 345, 347
ADD comparedwith, 3,
53-54
Cognitive Psychotherapyand,
352
after diagnosis,118-21
euphoriavs., 126
designatedquiet zones,2I4
desipramine(Norpramin), 336,
337
desires,needsand, 54-56, LZ6,
r44-45
43r
desktop frles, 764
details:
aversionto, 50
globalthinking vs., 17'6
developmentalages'30-45
adolescence,39-42
adulthood, 42-45
elementaryschool years,
35-39
infancy, 30
preschoolyears,33-35
toddler years,30-33
dextroamphetamine
(Dexedrine),330, 334-35
diagnosis,106-10
acceptanceof, LZL-7'3
bargainingafter, 118
depression after, 118-21
importance of, 104-5
as medicaldilemma,3, 8-1 1
medicaltestsin, 108-10
personalunderstandingof,
110
reactionsto, LI4-15
self-educationand, 107
seealsotreatment
Diagnosticand Statistical
Manual (DSM), 9-10
diet:
and food additivesand sugar'
74
tyramine and, 339
Diet Therapy, 379
differential thinking, 795
digressions,165
directionality, 60
disinhibition,63
dissatisfaction,53
divergentretrieval,75
 INopx
r-

do adequatelylist, 136-37 empathy, 33, 357-58

Doc in a Box, 399 employment,seework
Don't Forget(L"pp), 279, 283 endorphins,18
dopamine,18, 327 Entrepreneurpersonalitysketch,
do well list, 133-36 393-94
down time, 213-14 environmentaltoxins, 23
Dreamachine,3T4 epinephrine(adrenalin),18
Drucker,PeterF., 393 ergonomtcs,T56
drugs,seemedication;substance Erikson,Eric, 30
abuse euphoria,depressionvs., 126
dry drunks,318 "Everyday,Get out the Door"
dry mouth, 320, 337, 340 lists,7.73-74
DSM (Diagnosticand Statistical
Manual),9-10 facilitation, 62-63
dyes,food, 24 failure:
DynamicTherapy,358 substance abuseand, 316
talking yourselfinto, 169-70
ear infections, 34-35 faith healing,308-9
eating: family chores, 237, ?.38-41
patternsof , 33 family meetings,230-41
physiologicalslowdownafter, bargainingand negotiation
57 in, 237-38
Edison,ThomasAlva, 301, 388 contractsand, 7.39-4I
education,I82, 189-90 designof, 233-4L
learningdisordersand, 307-3 diffusingof anger in, 234-35
Montessori,3Tl effectivebrainstormingand
educationalremediation,356, problem-solvingin,
360 235-36,239-39
Educationfor All Handicapped equal opportunity
Children Act ( 1975\ , 302 participationin, 733-34,
EEG Biofeedback,377-79 236
elementaryschool years, establishingrulesfor, 233,
industryvs. inferiority in, 734
35-39 expectations of perfection
emergencies, determination of, and,Z4l-43
ZL4_T5 familychoresand, 237,
emotional incontinence. L)l-Z 238-4r
emotionalliving space,TLZ generalprinciplesand rulesof
emotions,extremeswingsof, 57 conduct{or,237

432
 -INor,x

goalsand objectivesof, food dyesand additives,24

230-3r Ford, Henry, 170
professionalcounselingand, forgiveness,of yourself,78
23r-32 "found" ttme, 776
sharedauthority in, 779-30, freedom,structurevs., L25-26
235 Freudianpsychoanalysis, 350,
family relationships,44, tZ5, 351, 356-57
, 360
rz7, z0L-43 friendships,seerelationships
ADD in, 206 frontal lobes,18-19
descriptions
of, 201-8, functional dysfunctionals,44
209-t7,218-20 Future Shock(Tof{ler), 74
schoolyears,
in elementary
38 genericdrugs, 333-34
emotional temperature and, genericletters, 182
716-17 Gestalt Therapy, 309, 359
equationsof, 203, 205 G ettingOrganiTed(Winston),
eveningsout and, 225-78 249,Z5Z
financesand, 209 global thinking, detailsvs., 126
mealtimesand, 220-?.5 Gone with the Wind, 80-82, 94
principlesof governmentand, govemment, family, seefamily
229-43 meetings
privacyand, 210- 11 grief process,94, ll4-I7
stresslevelsand, 230 group (paired) association,295
survival tips for, 708-9, Group Psychotherapy,360-71
zrz-17 Assertiveness Training,
Family
Therapy,
717,Z3l, 368-69
362-63 Family,2L2, ?.3I,362-63
fax machines,180 Psychoeducation,363-65
FDA (Food and Drug Self-help, 354, 365-68
Administration), 3L6, 345 SensoryIntegration, 369-7 I
feedback, 166-67 Social Skills Training, 363
bio-, 377-79
Feingold,Benjamin,74 haloperidol(Haldol), 346
FeingoldDiet, 379 handwriting, 64
filing systems,26I-62 hard to get, playing, I99
finances,140, I43,209 Head Firsc, The Biolog1of Hope
food, tyramine in, 339 (Cousins\, 375
Food and Drug Administration hearing loss, 34-35
(FDA), 3t6, 345 help, askingfor, L44

433
 -INos,x
heredity,parentingvs., 20-7,1,
zz
Heward,William L., 238
hidden agendas,176
high blood pressure,320-ZL,
331-32,339,345
humor,97, 399-401
hyperactivity,8, 126, 379
ADD and, 9-10, 23, ZB
adolescence and decreasein,
11,39
as assetvs. deficit, 15, 44,
386-87
in boysvs. girls, 27-ZB
fluctuatinglevelsof, 56-58
as rangeof behaviors,L4
sedativesand, 308
hypertension,320-21, 331-32,
339,345
hypotension,
340
IDP Dynamic,53
I-messages,
1,71-77.,
235, 368
Imipramine(Tofranil), 336
immediate(working)memory,
28r
immunesystem,309, 375, 376
impulsiveness,
8, 77, 89, 166,
t 7 5 ,3 2 7
benefits of, 44,387-88
childhood accidentsand,
3r-37
datingand, 194-95,196,200
definitionand descriptionof,
r3-t4, 67.-64
medication and,325
Prozacand, 370, 340
shopping and, 43, 56, I43
speech and,62-64, 166,187
434
therapyand, 3I?.-I3
triggeringof, 53
inaction, seeaction
inattention, seeattention
index cards,275-76
infancy, trust vs. mistrustin, 30
inferiority,senseof, 5-7, 35-39
information explosion,24
information processing,3
cognitive tempo and, 64-65
input/output problemsand,
6 r - 7|
learningdisabilitiesand, 60
inhibition, 67-63
Innoqtation and Entrepreneurship
( Drucker) , 393
in/out baskets,264
input/outputproblems,61- 71
action/inactionbalanceand,
62_64
brain shut down and, 69-7 |
cognitive tempo and, 64-65
descriptionof, 6l-62
mental fatigueand, 67*69
output learningdisabilities,
300
reactiontime and, 66-67
will and, 65-66
input/perceptuallearning
disabilities,300
instant recall, 72, Z8l
insurance,111, 308, 333, 334
integrationlearningdisabilities,
300
intensity ,,
, 52-53,I7Z, L96-97
200
intention, selective,62
intercoms, Zl5
interfacing, I47
 Is
intimacy, fear of, 196 liver, 336
Inventor personalitysketch, Living More With Less
388-90 (Longacre),140
irritability, 53 locking in and blocking out,
Isocarboxazid(Marplan), 339 49-50
logic, 167
job skills, 406 Longacre,Doris Janzen,140
Johnson,Samuel,278 long term memory, 73-74
JungianTherapy, 357 low blood pressure,340

"Keep it simple,"138, l4l, 762 magazinesand newspapers,

kinestheticmemory,283, 752-53
292-93 magneticresonanceimaging, 16
kinesthetic/tactilelearning, mail order catalogs,260
286, 787 manic-depressive disorders,345
kleptomania,340-41 manipulation, as defense
mechanism,88-90
Lamazetechnique,377 manners , I5Z-54
languageand speechtherapy, MAO (monoamineoxidase)
355-56,360 inhibitors,339-40
, 279,Z8l, 7.83
L"pp,Danielle Marplan (lsocarboxazid) , 339
lead poisoning, 23 marriage,44
learnedhelplessness, 94-95 Massage Therapy, 372-73
((w e"
ttme rtt
learning, tips {or, 297-98 and, 200
learningdisabilities(LD) , 246, mealtimes,270*25
278,299-303,356,388 descriptionsof, ZZ0-73
definition and rypesof, 300 survivaltips for, 723-25
educationand, 302-3 medication,110, 313-49
incidence of, 299-300 authors'disclaimerabout,
spatialdifficultiesand, 60 328-29
learningstyles,76, 181-82, authors'personalexperiences
784-87 with, 320-?.3
auditory, 286 bargainingand, 118
tactile/kinesthetic, 786 dosagelevelsand, 377-73,
visual, 785, ?.86-87 325-26
letter openers,257 drug trials and, 325-77
letters, generic, I87 effectiveness of, 377-79
Levine,M., 67. genericvs. trade name forms
Lithium, 345-46 of, 333-34

435
 INngx
--
medication (conr.)
miscellaneous,344-49
reboundeffect and, 330*3 1,
335
risk/benefitequationand,
3r4-r5,343
substanceabuseand, 315-17
taking of, 3I3-I4
at workplace,185-86
your role in useof, 318-20,
324
seealsoantidepressants;
stimulants; specrfc drugs
Megatrend.s (Naisbitr.), 407
Megawends2000 (Naisbitt and
Aburdene), 407-8, 409
Mellaril (thioridazine) , 346
memory,9, 60-6I,71,-76, 183,
246,Z7g-303
access
and,74-75, 280-8?.
acquisitionand, 71
anxietyand, 288-89
associationsand, 294-95
auditory, 283, Z9Z
choice and, 289-90
comprehensionand, 291
context and, 79I
function and processof,
2i8-80
information input and,
z8z_84
kinesthetic, 283, 292-93
lapsesin, 280
leaming and, 284-87
mnemonic devicesand,
295-97
multi-sensory,293
observationand, 290-91
overall, 283
436
paperpile managementand,
765-66
registrationand, 7I-72
relaxation techniquesand,
288
Ritalin and, 322
rote, 72, 74, Z9l
storageand, 77.-74, 280-82
techniquesfor, 287-97
transferand, 75
visual,7.83,Z9I-97., 294
memory leaming disabilities,
300
men:
control and, 95-97
languageof women vs., 150
leamed helplessness and, 95,
96
mental fatigue, 67 -69
mental health professionals:
referralsfor, L07
two main categoriesof, 304
typesof, 108
seealsopsychotherapy
message centers,215-L6
methylphenidate , seeRitalin,
genericvs. trade name
forms of
middle ear infections, 34-35
middle finger sign, 150
Minnesota,Universityof, 22
mnemonic devices,295-97
monoamineoxidase(MAO)
inhibitors,339-40
Montessorieducation,371
moral inventory, 130, 138, I47
motivation:
job performanceand, 69, 98
memory and, 76
 -INpex

motor coordination, 33-34, "no," inabiliryto express,

84
374-75 noise,183-84
mouth,dryness
in, 320,337, nonverbalcommunication,
340 150-52,r55, 165,169,
movies,family trips to, 725-78 169,170,172,Zrl
multi-sensorymemory, 293 "No pain, No gain," 167
musclerelaxation,288, 375 noradrenaline(norepinephrine),
"must-do's"and "should-do's," 327,3Zg,337,339,341
r39-43 Norpramin (desipramine)
, 336,
"My Child Couldn't Pay 337
Attention" (Alducci), 378 nuclear magnetic resonance
(NMR),16
Nadolol (Corgard), 347 nurture,naturevs., 20-2I,77.
Naisbitt, John, 407, 408, 409
Nardil (Phenelzine),339 observation,memory and,
National Institutesof Health, 290-9r
309 obsessive-compuls
ive disorders,
natural childbirth techniques, 345
377 OccupationalTherapists,369,
nature,nurture vs., 20-ZL, 22 370
needs,desiresand, 54-56, 126, Oedipal stage,350
1,44-45 office equipment, 182-83
neurologists,108 Office for the Study of
neurology,17-18 Unconventional Medical
neuroses,350 Practices,309
neurotransmitters,18 Office of Education, U.S. , 299
drug responseand, L6-I7, "on the run" conversations,215
325,337,341 organization,3, 244-77
functionof, 18, 327-28 beginning tips for, 246-50
seealsospecific cardinalrulesfor, 26I-67
newrotTdnsmitters filing systemsand, 26I-62
newspapers
and magazines, generalmessmanagement,
257.-53 250-54
Neu.,sqre
ek, 309 generaloffice management,
New York Longitudinal Study, 754-56
22 paperpile management,
nicotine, 347-49 259-61,262,263-69
NMR (nuclearmagnetic practical messmanagement
resonance),16 tools, 256-59

437
 -INoEx
organization(cont.)
questionnaireon, 244-45
Ritalin and, 370, 327, 329
simplicity and, 262
spatialdifficultiesand, 60-61
time managementand,
269_77
Orton DyslexiaSociety, 302
otitis media, 34-35
output leaming disabilities,300
seealsoinput/output problems
outsidehelp, hiring of, 144
overall memory, 283
overpersistence, 49-50, 59
paired (group) association,295
paperpile management,
259-6r,262,7.63-69
bulletin boardsand, 764
cardinal rules for, 76I-62
categorizationof, 260-61
color-codingand, 266-67
cuesand promptsand,
265-66
desktop files and, 764
filing systemsfor, 261-62
in/out basketsand, 264
ongoing to do lists and,
267-68
personalyellow pagesand,
264-65
planning notebooksand, 260,
266, 776
Post-ltNotes and, 267, 776
schedulingand location of
handling of , 267
simplicity and, 262
storageand accessof, 763-64
to do's of , 263-68
438
Parent handling the Disorder
(Ph.D.
), 321
parenting, heredity vs., Z0-ZI,
72
parents,40
blame theory and, ZI-23, 29
family meetingsrole of , 279,
737,740
feelingsof inadequacyand,
33
individual strengthsand
weaknesses of, 206-8
seealsofamily relationships
Pamate (Tranylcypromine),339
party animals,100-101
passingfor normal, 103-4
PDR (PhysiciansDesk
Reference),330
peer pressure,40
pemoline(Cylert), 330, 335-
336
Penicillin,
343
perceptuauinputleaming
disabilities,300
perfectionism,83-85
personalyellow pages,264-65
pessimism,53
Peter Pan Syndrome,97 -99
pets,52, 27.3
Ph.D. (Parenthandling the
Disorder), 321
Phenelzine(Nardil), 339
phobia, definition of, 154-55
physicians,108, II0, 324
PhysiciansDesk Reference
(PDR),330
planning notebooks,260, 766,
276
playing hard to get, L99
 -INoex

Plumberpersonalitysketch, Dynamic,358
398-99 Freudian,350, 35L,356-57,
postagescalesand stamps, 360
256_57 Gestalt,309,359
Post-lt
Nores,267,2T6 group,360-7I
Post-TraumaticStressDisorder, Jungian,357
69_70 Psychodrama, 359
powerlessness, LZ9, 130 Psychodynamic, 356, 357
pregnancy,complicationsin, 23 Reality,358
preschoolyears,initiative vs. 357-55
Self.Psychology,
guilt in, 33-35 stigmaattachedto, 304-6
primary sleepdisorder, 20, 336 Sullivanian,
357
Prince Charming, I98, ZOI Transactional
Analysis
, 358-59
privacy, Zl}-Ll
procrasrinarion,11, IZ-13, 51, quiet zones,2I4
276_77
ProfessionalDilettanre randomaccess memory(RAM),
personalitysketch, 402-4 72-73
progressivemusclerelaxation, R"pp, Doris,379
2gg,375 reactiontime, 66-67, 75
proprioceptivesense,369 readingskills, 165
Prozac(fluoxetine RealityTherapy,358
hydrochloride), 324, reboundeffecr,330-3L, 335
340_44 recovery:
benefitsof, 320, 340-4I acceptanceand, lzl-7.3
controversyover, 342-43 balanceand, 124-46
dosagelevels of, 34I definition of, llz
side effectsof, 341, 342-43 depressionand, LL8-ZI
psychiatrists,108 goal of, 130
Psychodrama,359 grief processin, ll4-I7
PsychqdynamicPsychotherapy, hitting rock bottom and, LZ5
356,357 moral inventory and, 130
Psychoeducation, 363-65 self-evaluarion and, 133-38
psychologists,
108, 109 "should-do's"and "must-
psychotherapy,lI4-15 do's," 139-43
Analytic, 357 social benefitsof, I77
Behavioral,350, 35I, twelve-stepprogramsand,
353-55,359 128-30
Cognitive,
352-53,359 see also fteatment

439
 -INopx
registration,memory and,
71-72
rehearsal,memoryand, 7l-72
43, 147-ZI7
relationships,
dating, 194-Z0L
descriptionsof, 157-62,
167-77, 175-77,1,94-99,
201-8, 209-12
feedbackand, 166-67
in groups,L57-67
impairedsocialskillsand,
76-78
t67--73
orre-orr-orrer
survivaltipsfor, L6Z-67,
170-73,177 -87, 199-201,
7.lz-17
at workplace,t7 4-93
seealsocommunication;
speech
familyrelationships;
relaxationtechniques,7.88,375
Relaxman,374
religion,I45
l8Z
remedialwriting classes,
reminderlists,273
respiratoryproblems,35
restand relaxationzones,
zr3*r4
reticular activating system,
19-20
retrieval, of memory, 7 4-7 5
retum addressstamps,257
"revolutionarybad ejectot," 142
risky behavior:
in adolescence,4I, 82-83
in adulthood, 58
benefitsof, 44
childhood accidentsand,
3l-3?.,58
as defensemechanism,82-83
440
Ritalin,58,64, 93, ll7, 118,
3?.4,329-34,337, 343,
381
benefitsof, 370-22, 329
childrenand, 307-8
ascontrolledsubstance, 315
dosage levels
of, 327, 326,329
durationof effectsof, 329-30
genericvs. tradenameforms
of, 333-34
sideeffectsof, 370-21',
330-32
rotememorization, 77, 74, 79I
rules:
followingand questioningof,
r77-78
unwritten, 164, 178-79
"runner'shigh," 18
personalitysketch,
Salesperson
397-98
scales,postage,257
schedules, weekly, L3Z-33
Scheiber,Barbara,785
schizophrenia,3-4
"school" lists, 274
Scientistpersonalitysketch,
395-97
sedatives,308
seizuredisorders,374
selectiveattention and
intention, 67
self-employment, 190-91
self-esteem:
and acceptanceof
imperfections,lI3-14
boostingof, 7, 111
low, 5-7 , 35-39, 4?.
recoveryand, 130, 382
 -INoex
self-evaluation,133-38
can't/shouldn'tdo list,
137-38
do adequately list, 136-37
do well list, 133-36
self-helpbooks,244-45
self-helpprograms, 354,365-68
self-medication, 316-17,318
Self-Psychology, 357-58
Sensory Integration(SI),
369-7r
SerenityPrayer,LZ9
serotonin,327, 337, 339, 34I
s e x ,4 t , 8 2 , 8 4 , 1 0 1
sexualabuse,373
shopping,impulsivityand, 43,
56,143
Short AttentionSpanThearcr,
The, 11
short term memory, 73, 37.7
"should-do's"and "must-do's,"
r39_43
SI (SensoryIntegration),
369-7r
siestas,5T
Sign Here: A ContractingBook
for Children and Their
Parents(Dardig and
Heward), 238
simplicity/complexityequation,
r40-42
single-mindedness, 11
skin patches,345
sleepdisorder,primary, 20, 336
sleepingpattems, 33, I42
Smith, Lendon, 24
smoking, 347-49, 354
socialactivities, selectionof,
r67
44r
socialskills, 38, 44
impairmentin, 37, 42, 76-78
Social Skills Training, 363
socioeconomicstatus,44
sorting and filing, 60
space,senseof, 60-61
spacecadets,99-100
speech:
developmentallagsin, 34-35
digressions and, 165
hyperactive,I4-I5
impulsivityand, 62-64, L66,
187
reaction time and, 66-67, 75
rhythm and, 150
timing of, 165
verbal incontinenceand,
r02-3
seealsocommunication;
relationships
speechand languagetherapy,
355-56,360
sports:
action/inactionbalanceand,
64
spatialdifficultiesand, 60
stamps,postage,757
stamps,retum address,257
standards,lowering of, 145
staples,257
S.T.A.R. (Stop, Think, Act,
and Reflect), I87 , 319
stenopads,275-76
STEP programs,741
Still, G. F., 8
stimulants,3-4, 316, 328,
329-36
as preventative measure,
317-18
 INpr,x
f--

stimulation, over- vs. under-, Talpers,Jeanne,285

1 2 6 ,1 . 4 1 Tardive dyskinesia, 346-47
Stop, Think, Act, and Reflect T-cells, 3 75
( s . T . A . R . )1,8 7 , 3 1 9 teacherplan books, 272
storage,memoryand, 72-74' teachers , 79, 40
280-82 ADD recognitionand, 38-39
stress,139 negativefeelingsinstilled bY,
assessment of, 230 5-6, 34,35,59
disorderand, 746-47 Tegretol (Caramazepine), 344
indicatorsof, 1.32,134 telephones,154-56, ZZ8
work-related,183 callbackschedulefor, 276
structure,freedomvs., 175-26 communicationproblemson'
Stuff Inventory,250-5I r54-55
substance abuse,41, 43, 44, 55, mannersand, I53
8 7 , 1 0 1 ,3 3 6 mealtimes and, 773
of medications,315-17 survival tips for useof, 156
success,404-6 at workplace,184-85
sugar,24, 379 television, 797-98
Sullivan, Harry Stack, 357 temperamentalstyles,of
supportgroups,63, 106-7' children, 22.-23
133 34 templates,I8Z
group communication in, temporarywork, l9l-9/
L6r-62 TerribleZ's, 31, 33, 34
professionalreferralsfrom, Testy, TelephoneTyrant
10i Syndrome(TTTS), 154,
symptommanagement,186 156
SystematicTraining for "therapeuticwindow effect,"
EffectiveParenting(STEP) 338
programs,T4I therapy,304-23,350-80
systems,theory of, 61 alternative,306-10, 37l-79
and being your own case
TA (TransactionalAnalYsis), manager, 3lI-17.
358-59 educationalremediation,357,
tactile defensiveness,52 360
tactile/kinestheticlearning, impulsivityand, 3lZ-13
286,287 languageand speech,
tactile sense,369 355-56,360
"take me or leave me" attitude, seealsomedication;
92-93 psychotherapy

442
 -INnrx
thinking, analogicalvs.
differential, 295
Thioridazine(Mellaril), 346
Thorazine (chlorpromazine),
346
Three (or Four) Big Boxes,751,
2.57
time:
daily logs and sheets and,
270,z7z-73
elasticsenseof, 58-60, 131,
zz6
"Everyday,Get out the Door"
listsand,?.73-74
"found," 276
management of, 269-77
management tools for,
770-72
procrastination and, 11,
17.-13,
51,276-77
reminder lists and, 773
"school"listsand, 274
steno padsand index cards
and, 275-76
waterproofalarm watches
and, 775
weekly schedulesand,
r32-33
TM (Transcendental
Meditation),377
toddler years,autonomyvs.
shameand doubt in, 30-33
"To Do" lists, 59, 147, 767-68
Toffler, Alan, 74
Tofranil (lmipramine),336
toilet training, 33
touch, sensitivityto, 57
Tourette Syndrome(TS),
332-33,346
443
toxins, environmental,23
TransactionalAnalysis(TA),
358-59
TranscendentalMeditation
(TM), 377
transfer,memory and, 75
Tranylcypromine(Parnate), 339
trash cans,252
rreatment, lI0-23
bargainingand, 118
costof, 111
personalrole in, 110-11
seealsomedication;recovery
tricyclic antidepressanrs,
328,
336-38
triggers,355
TS (Tourette Syndrome),
332-33,346
TTTS (Testy, Telephone
Tyrant Syndrome),I54,
r56
twelve-step
groups,55, 128-30,
1 3 93, 6 5 3
, 67
twins, studieson, 22
tyramine, 339
underarousal, 20, 57 -58
UndifferentiatedADD, 9
U nlockingP otential(Scheiber
and Talpers),285
verbalincontinence,L02-3
vestibularsense,369
Virtual Reality,37 4-7 5
visualizationtechniques,288,
294-95
visual learning, 285, 286-87,
3 7s - 76
visualmemory,283,791-9?.,294
 -INoEX

vocationalplanning, 189-90 noise, doors, and telephones

"V" sign, 150 ?t, 183-85
office equipmentand, 182-83
wanderingmind syndrome,47 office managementand,
watches,waterproof and alarm, 754-56
77s rulesand,I77-79
tt*ertt((mgtt 190-91
and, 200 self-employment,
weeklyschedules,I3Z-33 selling your ideasat, 178
weight loss,354, 355 socialrelationshipsand,
Wellbutrin (Bupropion), 344 174-93
"Wlwt DrivesMe the Craziest" stressand, 183
list, 250 technology and
white blood cells, 332 communicationat, 179-
"who cares"attitude, 86-88, 90 180
will, paralysisof, 65-66 temporary, I9l-92
Winston, Stephante,249, Z5Z written communicationat,
withdrawal, as defense r87
mechanism,90 workaholism,11, IZ, L26
Woman'sDay, 378 "workdetails,"273,777-28
women: working(immediate)memory,
control and, 96 781,
languageof men vs., 150 sketch,
Writer personality
leamedhelplessness and, 390-93
94-95 written communication,I8Z,
work, 175 301
choiceand changeof, 144,
187-90 X-rays,16
computers and, 181-82
in, 43, 44,49
difficulties , 764-65
yellowpages,personal
innercircleat, L79 Yoga,372
job skillsand, 406 you-messages,l7I-72, 234,
medication and, 185-86 735,368

444
 AbouttheAuthors
Kate Kelly
Ms. Kelly is a master'spreparedclinical specialistin psychiatricnursing.
Her professionalbackgroundincludesexperienceasas a therapist,
assistantprofessorand clinical coordinatorfor psychobiological research.
Her graduateeducationfocusedon chronic mental illnessand this
orientation eventuallyled her to an interestin the mental health self-
help movement.She becamea championfor individualswith severe
mental illnesses,suchasschizophrenia,believingthat even thosewith
severeimpairmentscould leam to managetheir own illnesses.

Ms. Kelly'sprior publishing creditsinclude an article entitled Fostenng

SeIf-HeIpon anlnpanentLJnit,publishedin the Archives of Psychiatric
Nursing.This article chronicledthe resultsof her work in developing
a model for an inpatient groupthat helpedchronicallymentally ill
patientslearn and shareeffectivecoping strategies.

Followingher diagnosiswith ADHD in 1989,Ms. Kelly'swork moved

in a new direction. Combining her personaland professionalinterests
in adult ADD, shebeganto focuson this emergingareaof mental
health. Respondingto the need to provide servicesfor ADD adults,
she founded the adult supportgroup of the Attention Deficit Disorder
Council of GreaterCincinnati in Februaryof 1990.Although sheno
longerfacilitatesthis group,shecontinuesto consultwith the Council
on adult ADD and supportgroup issues.

The information Ms. Kelly gatheredfrom availableliteratureand the

personalstoriesof ADD adultsin Cincinnati and nationwide leadto
her work in writin g I'm I.'J
ot Inzy , Stupidor CraTyJ? Currently she is
usingher personaland professionalexperiencesand knowledgeto give
presentationson adult ADD for lay and professionalgroups.She also
works in private practiceleadingpsychoeducational therapygroupsfor
ADD adults.
Peggy Ramundo
Recognizedasan outstandingteacher,Ms. Ramundo compietedpost-
graduatework in leaming disabilities,behavior disordersand Montessori
education.\Torking with culturally disadvantagedchildren most of
her career,shebecamean advocatefor the right of everychild to leam.
She designedand implementeda non-gradedprimary curriculum, taught
summerenrichment readingprogramsand servedasa demonstration
teacher.A committed and innovative parent, Ms. Ramundohas served
aspresidentof the boardsof the Clifton Child Study ParentGroup and
'West
Center Rooms Montessori.\fhen the parent corporation closed
the \fest site, she spear-headed a movement to createa new school.
Under her direction, the new non-proflt Clifton MontessoriCenter
wasformed to continue the tradition of providing tuition-free scholar-
shipsto many children from low-income families.
After her son'sADD diagnosisin 1987,Ms. Ramundobeganextensively
researchingthe disorder.Drawing on her experienceasa dedicated
teacherand parent, she co-foundedthe Attention Deficit Disorder
Council of GreaterCincinnati and continuesto serveasa boardmember.
Ms. Ramundo works professionallyas an educationalconsultant.In
1990,she foundedNIADD, The National Institute for Attention
Deficit Disorder.As Executive Director, she conductsworkshopsand
in-servicetraining sessionsthroughout the country for parents,educators
and mental health professionals, and lecturesextensivelyon ADD.
After Ms. Ramundo'sdiagnosis,shebeganto focuson ADD issuesin
adolescentsand adults.Currently, she is helping collegestudentsand
youngadultsaccessavailableservices,managetheir leaming at the post.
secondarylevel, and make decisionsabout courseselectionand careers.
YouMeanl'm Not Laz), Stupidor CraTyJ?has evolvedfrom Ms.
Ramundo'sresearch,personaland professionalexperiencesand the
experiencesof the countlessnumbersof ADD children, adolescents
and adultswith whom shehas worked. Her other publishing credits
include handbooksfor parentsand teachersentitled, Tipt, Toolsand
Teclmiquesfar Mutaging AttennonDeficit Disorderand Understandingand
ManagingAu,ennonDeficit Disorderin the Clnssroom.