TGWDLM SCRIPT

By Curt

Slow fade up as MR. DAVIDSON, CHARLOTTE, TED, BILL, MELISSA, HIDGENS,

and EMMA enter slowly.

SONG: THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS

MR. DAVIDSON. THE GREATEST STORIES EVER TOLD

HAVE A HERO WHO MUST BE BOLD
THEY LEARN A SENSE OF RIGHT AND WRONG
AND BETTER LEARN THIS SENSE THROUGH SONG

CHARLOTTE. MUSICALS TELL THE IMPOSSIBLE

ENSEMBLE. THE IMPOSSIBLE…

CHARLOTTE. THEY EVOKE THE PHILOSOPHICAL, YEAH

TED. SO, TONIGHT WE’RE GONNA CHRONICLE

A STORY SO ASTRONOMICAL

ENSEMBLE. THE LAST REMAINING STORY TO TELL

MR. DAVIDSON. THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS!

ENSEMBLE. DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM
DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

MR. DAVIDSON. HE’S THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS!

ENSEMBLE. DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM
DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

BILL: IN THE TINY TOWN OF HATCHETFIELD

THERE LIVED AN AWFUL GRINCH NAMED PAUL

MELISSA. HE SPENDS HIS DAYS SURFING THE WEB

AND NOT SINGING AND DANCING WITH US ALL!

ENSEMBLE. SHOULD WE KILL HIM?

SHOULD WE KILL HIM?

EMMA. OH, HE PINES AFTER A CUTE LIL’ BARISTA

(CONT’D) ISN’T THAT WORTH A SHOW-STOPPING FIESTA, YEAH?

HIDGENS. BUT FOR SOME DAMN REASON

HE WON’T JOIN OUR SINGING SEASON

ENSEMBLE. WHAT AN ASS

WHAT A BITCH
WHAT A CUCK!

MR. DAVIDSON: THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS!

ENSEMBLE. DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM
DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

MR. DAVIDSON: HE’S THE GUY WHO DIDN’T LIKE MUSICALS

NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA!

ENSEMBLE. DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM
DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

MR. DAVIDSON. IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD, PAUL

ENSEMBLE. END OF THE WORLD

MR. DAVIDSON. IF YOU DON’T SING

ENSEMBLE. IF YOU DON’T SING

MELISSA. THIS IS THE BRIDGE, PAUL

ENSEMBLE. THIS IS THE BRIDGE

MELISSA. WHERE WE GLOBALISE EVERYTHING

HIDGENS. AND THE WORDS WILL COME TO YOU

WE SWEAR WE WILL TEACH YOU

ENSEMBLE. WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE

WHAT IT MEANS TO OBEY, PAUL

MR. DAVIDSON. The apotheosis is upon us.

ENSEMBLE. Yay!!!!!!
MR. DAVIDSON. DID YOU HEAR THE WORD?

ENSEMBLE. WHAT’S THE WORD?

MR. DAVIDSON. HE’S A-COMIN’

ENSEMBLE. WHO’S A-COMIN’?

MR. DAVIDSON. PAUL’S A-COMIN’!

ENSEMBLE. PAUL’S A-COMIN’?

THE STAR OF THE SHOW!

TED. NOW, FOR HIS HEADLINING ENTRANCE…

CHARLOTTE, TIME TO SWOON AT HIS LEADING-MAN ESSENCE

EMMA.

HIDGENS, BILL. HIS NAME IS IN THE TITLE

MELISSA, HE’S DESTINED TO GO VIRAL

MR. DAVIDSON. HERE HE IS, HIS NAME IS PAUL

ENSEMBLE. ENTER NOW!

Everyone grandly gestures to the theatre entrance, waiting for PAUL to enter. He
does not.

MR. DAVIDSON. (whispered, to Bill) Where the fuck is he?

BILL. (whispered) I have no fucking clue…

Beat.

MR. DAVIDSON. THE GUY JUST DOESN’T LIKE MUSICALS!

WOAH, OH!

ENSEMBLE. DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM
DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

MR. DAVIDSON. AND HE DEFINITELY WON’T LIKE THIS! YEAH!

ENSEMBLE. DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM
DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM
HIDGENS. GOTTA BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, PAUL
DON’T YOU BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, PAUL?
GOTTA BELIEVE IN SOMETHING
PAUL, YOU PIECE OF SHIT

EMMA. WHY, OH, WHY, OH WHY?

ENSEMBLE. DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE, DIDN’T LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM
DIDN’T LIKE, DID NOT LIKE, LIKE-A-LIKE ‘EM

HIDGENS. GOTTA BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, PAUL

DON’T YOU BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, PAUL?
GOTTA BELIEVE IN SOMETHING

EMMA. WHY, OH, WHY?

EMMA, HIDGENS. YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

Song ends as PAUL sits at his cubicle in the office of CCRP, between Bill and
Charlotte. They each type on their computers, amidst office noise for a few awkward
seconds. Eventually, Bill turns to Paul.

BILL. Hey, Paul.

PAUL. Yeah?

BILL. I was trying to print something. I think I might have sent it to your
printer.

Paul checks his printer tray, finds the document, and hands it to Bill.

PAUL. Yep.

BILL. Thanks.

PAUL. Just remember. You wanna print from the HP LaserJet. Not the
HP InkJet.

BILL. Right. Sorry, Paul.

PAUL. It’s fine.

Bill nods, and the office once again lapses into silence. Mr. Davidson enters and
leans on the doorframe, holding a cup of coffee.
MR. DAVIDSON. Hey, Paul… Can I get those reports on my desk by the end of
the day?

PAUL. Yes, Mr. Davidson.

MR. DAVIDSON. Great…

Mr. Davidson exits as Melissa enters with a clipboard and walks to Paul’s cubicle.

MELISSA. Hi, Paul.

PAUL. Hey, Melissa.

MELISSA. Were you gonna sign up for the company softball league?

PAUL. (sighs) No.

MELISSA. Oh. Well. It might be fun?

PAUL. Yeah. I don’t want to, though.

MELISSA. Okay… Well, Mr. Davidson wants those reports on his desk by
the end of the day.

PAUL. Will do.

Melissa exits. After a beat, Charlotte’s phone begins to ring. She picks it up.

CHARLOTTE. CCRP Technical, this is Charlotte. How can I help—Oh, hi, Sam.
How are things down at the precinct? (beat) Oh. I’m sorry to
hear that. Well, my days been g— (beat) Oh. How late?

Another beat as Charlotte stands up.

CHARLOTTE. Oh, but sweetheart. It’s… (lowers voice) It’s cuddle night. (beat)
Well, what do you mean, ‘so what’? The counsellor says we
should do it at least once a month. (beat) Yes, but honey. We
skipped last month. (beat) Don’t you think I’m tired too? (beat)
Alright, maybe tomorrow night then, huh? (beat) No, no, you’re
right. We should stick to the schedule. Next month it is. (beat)
Okay, you take care, Sam. And Sam, be careful, because I love
y— (he hangs up) … Sam?

She slowly sits down as she puts the phone back.

CHARLOTTE. That was Sam. He’s doing just fine. Counselling’s working out
real swell…

As she speaks, she unconsciously takes a cigarette from her pocket, and begins to
light it.

PAUL. Oh. Charlotte. I’m sorry. You can’t smoke in here.

CHARLOTTE. Huh?

Paul gestures to the cigarette. Charlotte looks down, and does a double-take.

CHARLOTTE. Oh! I didn’t even realise…

PAUL. It’s okay.

Charlotte puts away her cigarette and lighter, and immediately takes out a flask and
begins drinking. Paul makes as if to say something, but decides against it. He stands
up, and walks towards Bill.

PAUL. Well, I’m going to go get some coffee at Beanie’s. Anyone

wanna come? Bill?

Bill doesn’t take his eyes off his computer.

BILL. I can’t. I gotta keep refreshing this webpage. See, I got Alice for
one more night before she goes home to Clivesdale. Her
mother, just to make me look small, took her all way to New
York to see Hamilton.

PAUL. Eugh.

BILL. And she loved it. So, to prove to my ex-wife that two can play at
that game, I’m on HotTix right now. And the moment more
become available, I’m getting two tickets for tonight. Because,
guess what, Paul? It’s finally here. In the old Starlight Theatre in
downtown Hatchetfield. The touring production of Mamma Mia!

Beat.

PAUL. Wow. She’ll like that just as much as Hamilton.

BILL. It’s a musical! Hey, do you wanna tag along? Alice would get a
kick out of it. Remember when you used to babysit her? Drive
her to school?
PAUL. Yeah…

BILL. She thinks you’re cool. Maybe you could take me up a bit. Let
her know her old dad’s pretty cool too.

PAUL. Bill. No. Sorry.

BILL. You got other plans?

PAUL. No…

BILL. So you’d rather do nothing then come with us to see Mamma

Mia?

PAUL. Bill, I’d rather do anything than come with you to see Mamma
Mia. The idea of sitting there, trapped in a musical… That is my
own personal hell.

BILL. I’m trying to reconnect with my teenage kid, and you’re just
gonna leave me hanging?

PAUL. Yeah. Sorry. But hey, I’ll grab you something from Beanie’s. My
treat. What do you want?

BILL. I just want my daughter back.

PAUL. … How about an iced caramel frappe? Nothing better.

He pats Bill on the back awkwardly, and almost escapes, before Ted pops up from
behind him, intrigued.

TED. Hey, are you going to Beanie’s?

PAUL. Yeah, Ted.

TED. You didn’t invite me.

PAUL. Sorry, Ted. Do you wanna come?

TED. No, no, no… I don’t wanna show you up, you know?

PAUL. No.

TED. Paul. Come on. I know why you walk the extra block to Beanies
instead of just going to Starbucks across the street.
PAUL. I don’t wanna give my money to some corporate chain…

TED. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You sure it doesn’t have anything to

do with that cute little barista over there, huh?

PAUL. That’s not the reason…

TED. The (imitating Borat) Latte Hatte, as she’s known throughout the
land, you know? Like, my wife!

Beat.

TED. It’s like Borat, dude—

PAUL. Alright, bye, Ted.

Paul exits.

TED. Hey, get me a chai iced tea, eh? Eh?! Ehh…

Ted also exits as the lights fade down. The scene changes to Beanie’s. Emma
works at the counter as Paul enters. A COFFEE JERK steps up to the counter,
scrolling on his phone.

EMMA. Hi, can I help you?

COFFEE JERK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I get a grande caramel frappe in a venti
cup, ten pumps of hazelnut, no caramel drizzle, with whip on
top?

EMMA. Sure. That’ll be $5.50.

COFFEE JERK. (somehow outraged by this) Jesus, fine.

As Emma turns to begin making the coffee, the Coffee Jerk puts a dollar into a jar
that reads “Tip For A Song!”.

COFFEE JERK. Hey.

EMMA. Yeah?

COFFEE JERK. I just tipped you.

EMMA. Oh. Well. Thank you.

COFFEEE JERK. Aren’t you supposed to sing? The sign says “Tip For A Song”.

EMMA. Yeah. That’s like, a new thing. The owner went to Coldstone
Creamery over the weekend, and she brought back the whole
singing thing. But there’s a line, and I don’t wanna disturb
anyone—

COFFEE JERK. I don’t care. I just tipped you. Come on.

EMMA. Okay, well did you do it to be nice, or did you do it to be an

asshole?

COFFEE JERK. Fine. I’ll take it back then.

He takes the dollar back out of the tip jar.

EMMA. Oh no. what am I gonna do without that dollar I have to split with
five other people?

COFFEE JERK. I’m never coming back here again. That sign’s bullshit.

EMMA. Oh my God, so mean!

Emma flips him off as the Coffee Jerk exits. NORA enters behind Emma,
exasperated.

NORA. Emma, what’s the deal over here?

EMMA. That guy just flipped out on me for practically no reason.

An OBNOXIOUS TEEN (or PETER SPANKOFFSKI) enters.

OBNOXIOUS She wouldn’t sing for him. And I still haven’t gotten my hot
TEEN. chocolate.

EMMA. Sorry. I’ll get right on that.

ONBOXIOUS I have very low blood sugar.

TEEN.

NORA. I’m so sorry, sir. We’ll get you a voucher.

The Obnoxious Teen exits.

NORA. Jesus, Emma. Come on. I already warned you twice.

EMMA. It’s embarrassing, Nora. God, maybe Zoey’s okay with the whole
singing thing because she “majored in theater!”

ZOEY also enters behind Emma.

ZOEY. I think it’s a really fun idea, Nora.

EMMA. Why aren’t you working?

ZOEY. Oh, I’m on vocal rest.

EMMA. What?

ZOEY. (louder) I’m on vocal rest!

Beat.

ZOEY. God damnit, Emma, now I need to make a tea with honey,
okay? Oh my God…

She exits with a huff.

EMMA. Look, can’t Zoey just do the singing? I don’t like it.

NORA. Huh. Okay. So you must not like having a job here then, huh?
You know what, don’t even bother coming in for your next shift.

Nora begins to exit, but Emma stops her.

EMMA. What? No, no, no, wait, wait. I will do the singing.

NORA. Yeah, you will. Now move your ass, you got a line.

Nora exits as Paul steps up to the counter.

EMMA. (dejected) Hi. Can I help you?

PAUL. Yep. I got an easy one for you. Just a cup of black coffee.

As Emma begins to tip, Paul puts five dollars into the tip jar. Emma notices this, and
sighs frustratedly.

EMMA. Jesus, really? (mock-singing) I’ve been brewing up your coff—

PAUL. No, no, no. I don’t need you to sing. I just tipped because…
People should tip.
EMMA. Oh. Well. Thanks. I mean, because if I have to sing for it, it’s not
really a tip, right? It’s just like I have another shitty paying job on
top of my already shitty paying job. Because, most of my tips
are, what, less than a buck? And after the split, that is… not
even 20 cents a song. That is less than a fucking jukebox. Only
a jukebox doesn’t have to make coffee for these assholes. Not
that you’re an asshole. Well, maybe you are. What’d you tip?

She reaches into the tip jar and takes out the $5 that Paul tipped.

EMMA. Five bucks? You meant this just for me, right? I don’t have to
split this with anyone…?

PAUL. Oh no, that’s for you. I don’t give a shit about them.

EMMA. (laughs) That’s very sweet. God, I’m just so sick of Nora and
Zoey, who is technically my manager, even though she is ten
years younger than me. She hired all her little theater friends,
and they will not shut the fuck up about some shitty production
of Godspell they did last summer.

PAUL. That was the one at the rec center, right? I think I had to see
that. I did not like it.

EMMA. It sucked, right?

PAUL. Yeah, they shouldn’t call it Godspell. More like God-awful.

EMMA. Yeah. Or God-damn-that-was-bad.

Paul laughs, a little too much.

PAUL. I don’t like musicals. Watching people sing and dance makes
me very uncomfortable.

EMMA. (handing him his coffee) Then why’d you come to the singing
coffee shop? There’s a Starbucks across the street.

PAUL. (taking the coffee) Well, you know. Some things are worth it.
Like… (takes a sip) Damn good coffee.

Emma gives Paul an awkward thumbs up.

EMMA. I see you in here all the time. What’s your name?
PAUL. Paul.

EMMA. Hi, Paul. I’m Emma—

The Obnoxious Teen enters again.

OBNOXIOUS Excuse me! I have been waiting a very long while…

TEEN.

EMMA. Sorry, sorry!

As Emma busies herself with making a hot chocolate, Paul leaves Beanie’s.

PAUL. (almost to himself) Bye, Emma. Oh, shoot. I forgot Bill’s caramel
frappe. Eh, fuck Bill.

As Paul exits and the lights fade down, thunder strikes. The scene changes to the
street, where a GREENPEACE GIRL (or HARMONY JONES) tries to get the
attention of passers-by. A MAN IN A HURRY WALKS PAST.

GREENPEACE Hi. Can I talk to you about saving the planet?

GIRL.

The Man in a Hurry pushes past her, exiting. A HOMELESS MAN enters.

GREENPEACE Hello.
GIRL.

HOMELESS MAN. (not getting the hint) Hey.

He sits down as Paul enters.

GREENPEACE Hi. Are you interested in saving the planet?

GIRL.

PAUL. Uh. Yes I am. But I just got of work…

GREENPEACE Well, it’ll just take a few minutes. It’s for the planet, so…
GIRL.

PAUL. I know, but—

GREENPEACE I just want to tell you about how you can contribute to
GIRL. Greenpeace’s efforts all around the globe.
PAUL. (lying through his teeth) Oh. Greenpeace? I’m actually already
signed up with you guys. I already give.

GREENPEACE Oh. Well, that’s very generous of you. Do you know about our
GIRL. new campaign to save the sea turtles?

PAUL. Yeah. Been getting the emails. Reading all about it.

GREENPEACE Really? The campaign that doesn’t exist? The one that I just
GIRL. made up?

Beat.

PAUL. (changing tacks) You know that money you’re raising? You
know how much of it actually goes to the turtles?

GREENPEACE Well, none of it. I just made that up.

GIRL.

PAUL. That’s right, none. It goes to line the pockets of some

corporate bigwigs. I give my money directly to the people who
need it.

The Homeless Man jumps up at this.

HOMELESS MAN. Spare change for the homeless?

PAUL. Sorry, I don’t have anything.

GREENPEACE Wow. You’re a real humanitarian.

GIRL.

PAUL. (ignoring this) And you come on a little strong with that whole
‘save the planet’ bit. And if I’m going to do that single-handedly.

GREENPEACE Well, you know what—

GIRL.

She is cut off by a sudden crash of lightning and thunder. Paul spots something in
the distance. He points it out to her.

PAUL. What is… That?

The Greenpeace Girl, Paul, and the Homeless Man exit as the lights fade off. Lights
up on Charlotte. She smokes a cigarette as she looks out the window.
CHARLOTTE. Oh, heavens to Betsy. There’s some kind of terrible storm out
there. I hope Sam’s alright.

Ted, shirtless, enters behind her, and puts an arm around her waist.

TED. Fuck Sam. Come back to bed, alright?

CHARLOTTE. Alright, Ted. But this has to be the last time.

TED. (suddenly angry) Sure, Charlotte. Just like last time was the last
time. If you don’t like what we’re doing here, there’s the door.

They exit as the lights come up on Emma and Zoey on the other side of the stage.
Emma shields herself from the rain as she gets into her car.

EMMA. God, cherry on top of an already perfect day. Zoey, you need a
ride?

ZOEY. In your shitty car? Yeah, I’d rather not crash and die. It’s fine,
thank you.

EMMA. (does not care at all) Great.

Emma drives away, and SAM enters behind Zoey.

SAM. Excuse me, ma’am. But I got a warrant to inspect the junk in
your trunk.

ZOEY. Sam, you’re such an asshole, okay. (pulls him closer) But that
uniform is so fucking sexy… Hey, I have a little present for you.

She takes two theater tickets from her pocket.

ZOEY. These two tickets to Mamma Mia?

SAM. No way. You got ‘em? (taking the tickets) I never miss a musical
at the Starlight, and if anyone thinks that makes me any less of
a man, they can talk to my fucking gun!

He pulls out his gun and Zoey laughs. They exit as the lights come up on Bill, in his
car, driving amidst a storm, and on the phone to his daughter.

BILL. Holy hell, it’s raining cats and dogs out here. Are you sure you
don’t want me to pick you up?? (beat) Okay. (beat). Yes, I got a
ticket for Deb. And after the show, we’re gonna go to your
favorite restaurant.
(CONT’D) Red Lobster. (beat) I know Deb’s a vegetarian. They got fish.
(beat) Vegan?! It’s crabfest, Alice! You’re killing me!

The scene changes to ALICE, on the phone to her dad. Two SMOKE CLUB TEENS
and her girlfriend, DEB, stand in the background, smoking joints.

ALICE. Okay, Dad, we’ll meet you at the theatre, okay?

She ends the call and turns to the Smoke Club.

SMOKE TEEN 1. Take a hit, Alice!

ALICE. I don’t think I oughta…

DEB. She doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to.

SMOKE TEEN 1. Come on, Deb, that’s not how it works! You’re either in the
smoke club or you’re out!

DEB. Okay. Well, maybe we’re out.

The Smoke Teens, annoyed, exit.

DEB. Come on, Alice. Those guys are assholes anyway.

They both spot something in the distance.

DEB. Woah. What’s that coming through the clouds?

As they both exit, Professor Hidgens enters, excited.

HIDGENS. Good God. Alexa. It’s happening. Come on, you bastard. You
don’t think I’m ready for you? I’ve been waiting in the wings. The
stage is set. It’s showtime.

Fade to black. Lights come back up on Paul’s apartment the next morning, where we
watch him get ready before going to work while he listens to the radio.

DAN. (O.S.) This is the Morning Hatchetfield News with Dan and
Donna.

DONNA. (O.S.) They said he wouldn’t make it. That he had fallen from
too great a height. But this little guy beat the odds and captured
our hearts. Now weighing in at almost ten ounces, Peanuts the
Hatchetfield squirrel has now outgrown his adopted father’s
pocket.
PAUL. (fondly) Peanuts…

DONNA. (O.S.) Luckily, proud papa Ed has been squirreling away on his
GoFundMe page to build Peanuts his very own,-- Get this, Dan--
Squirrel house.

DAN. (O.S.) Ha, that’s amazing.

DONNA. (O.S.) And something else has fallen to the ground here in
Hatchetfield, this time from outer space. The meteor came—

Now ready to leave, Paul switches off his radio and leaves. The scene changes to
the street.