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Confessions Of A Happy Alcoholic

By Ashley Moses, December 11th 2014

oneinchpunch / (Shutterstock.com)

I’m an alcoholic. A few months ago at dinner I was fretting over whether or not I
should be worried about this, and my renowned psychologist mother reassured
me by saying that physical and mental addiction are different. “Don’t worry,
sweetheart, you’re just a little physically addicted,” she said with a reassuring
smile. Straight from the Ph.D.’s mouth; I proceeded to get happily drunk off of my
stepfather’s credit card. That was the last time I worried about my habit.

I am an alcoholic and I love it. I love watching American Beauty by myself with
half a bottle of red wine. I love waking up hung over next to whatever guy I’m
seeing at the time, eating burritos together, and then grabbing a PBR from the
fridge after dinner so we can start the whole thing over again (hopefully this time
with sex we’re able to remember). I love inviting random neighbors up to my
apartment and having them become completely enthralled with me as I
drunkenly lie about outrageous exploits. I love laughing with them the next day
when I reveal that all of my tales were completely fictional. I love drinking beers
at nice breweries then taking Jell-O shots at dive bars. I like the surprise of getting
my film developed from nights when I don’t even remember who was taking the
pictures. I love being drunk.

Like any respectable writer, though, I have rules. No drinking while working is
number one, of course, which means I don’t touch alcohol until after the sun has
gone down. Another rule is that if I puke I have to take a day off drinking. It
makes sleeping hard, but hey, everyone’s got to draw the line somewhere.

And lastly…actually there is no “lastly.” I only have two rules.

I’m here not to defend my alcoholism, but to celebrate it. Despite its great tolls on
my bank account, I love alcohol and I love its effects on me. “Don’t you wake up
feeling guilt and regret from a night of carousing from one house party full of
jungle juice to another?” one might ask, but the answer is no. This happened
frequently when I first started to drink and would only binge on weekends, but
now that I’m a full-fledged alcoholic, I rarely have embarrassing or regretful
nights. If anything, I wake up proud of the things that the alcohol gave me the
courage to do. “Why couldn’t you try to do those things without the alcohol?” this
same snarky asshole might wonder, and the answer is: Why?
12.9k
A few days ago (a Tuesday) I was at one of the five liquor stores within a one-
!
block radius of my apartment, and the guy working there said, “Wow, more wine?
" You don’t work tomorrow?” I thought the question was funny more than anything
# else, but it did make me realize that my unique lifestyle (writing from home every
day) has afforded me the wonderful opportunity to be a happy, fulfilled,
$
functioning alcoholic. Booze, far from ruining my life, has been the impetus for
% many a friendship or relationship. It serves as a motivator for finishing my work,
& helps me communicate more confidently with friends, makes everyone more
interesting (and therefore makes me a nicer person), and often enables some form
of late-night revelation or confession. I’m like a happy version of every character
in Transparent.

But is this just the peak before the fall? Will I write another piece in a month
detailing my “rock bottom” story and my subsequent harrowing trip through jail
and then rehab? Will my friends and family abandon me to my one true love: red
wine?

No, maybe I have beer goggles on, but I actually don’t foresee it turning out like
that. I don’t drink to numb pain, I don’t drink to hide, I don’t drink to be less of
myself, and I don’t drink to get laid. I drink because it’s fun and I like how it
tastes. Or maybe I drink because fun, interesting things happen to you when
you’re drunk. Maybe I’m just that stereotypical writer that craves new experiences
and uses alcohol to get it. Or maybe alcohol is just awesome, and we live in a
society in which everything is black and white: You’re either a depressed alcoholic
or a happy sober person. Even the word “alcoholic” divides the world of drinkers
in two: those who do it and are healthy and those who are not.

The real problem with the word “alcoholism” is that it denotes addiction, and
addiction is bad, or so our doctors tell us. Well, I’m telling you that if there’s one
thing I’ve learned from my quarter-life crisis, it’s that doctors don’t know shit
about booze, drugs, sex, or addiction. Sure, there are people who do these things
poorly, but the truth is all of them can be awesome and can be sustained for long
periods of time with zero negative consequences.

As Rihanna said, “Cheers.”

Read this: 7 Reasons Why Friends Who Love

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(NSFW)

Read this: 10 Life Lessons My Father Taught

Me

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Person

20 SOMETHINGS ALCOHOLISM AMERICAN BEAUTY BEER GOGGLES GOING OUT HEALTH & WELLNESS HUMOR JELL-O SHOTS LOVE & SEX
PARENTING PBR RIHANNA TEETOTALERS TRANSPARENT WOMENS STYLE WRITING & EXPRESSION

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anonalc • 4 years ago

"I'm here to not defend my alcoholism, but to celebrate it!" - WTF is that suppose to mean?
△ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

Luke • 5 years ago

Wow... This is brutal. As a recovered alcoholic, let me just say:

1) As I write this in 2016, I would bet good money that since this article was written in 2014, your
alcoholism has only increased the severity with which it is fucking up your entire life. You are so
naive.
2) Every alcoholic who ends up dying in a gutter, ruins their life, or even the ones who end up
recovering, they all start out exactly like you. Cocky. In denial. Feeling invincible. Your dependency
will only get worse. Your withdrawals will only get worse. Your appearance will only get worse. Your
skin will only get worse. Your relationships will only get worse.
3) Get a fucking grip.
△ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

robert nygard • 6 years ago

I'm a 30-year old male. I have been drinking heavily for the past 15 years. I guess I'm what people
would refer to as a functional alcoholic. For the past 10 years I've run my own company and for the
last 5 I've been making over six figures every year. In my opinion there's a big difference how
different persons let alcohol effect their lives. Excuse my bad English, it's my third language. Only
my 2c.
△ ▽ 1 • Reply • Share ›

Liz • 7 years ago

I try not to be overly sensitive, as a 22 year old with almost 3 years sobriety, but this kind of offends
me.
2△ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

Kathleen • 7 years ago

this article is the reason i will stop going on this website. you're an idiot.
10 △ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

ana smith • 7 years ago

"doctors don't know shit about addiction"... switch the author's name for "doctors" and you'll have
one good sentence in this article.
9△ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

Guest • 7 years ago

It kind of sounds like you're just one of those people who likes to call themselves an alcoholic
because being addicted to something is hip and exciting, especially to those who haven't gone
through a real traumatizing addiction (not to jump to the conclusion that you haven't, just in
general). If you don't have real problems stemming from a serious addiction to alcohol you're not an
alcoholic.
12 △ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

Guest > Guest • 3 years ago

Yeah. Talk to me when you're a half a bottle of vodka deep watching American Beauty.
△ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

guest 2 > Guest • 7 years ago

That's not true at all. She's clearly young--in her twenties. Most alcoholics in their twenties
don't have the problems that you're referring to yet. It's still mostly fun and excusable in
their minds. These "real problems" come from sustained abused of alcohol over a long
period of time.
1△ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

Guest • 7 years ago

This is in such poor taste.......I cannot believe someone could even write something like this. There
are no "Happy Alcoholics." They just don't exist.
11 △ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

Anon • 7 years ago

If it only takes you half a bottle of red wine to get you drunk or even feeling it then you are not an
alcoholic... Your tolerance would handle that easily
9△ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

Guest • 7 years ago

This is awful. Your mental illness is very clear. You need help before you kill yourself or someone
else.
11 △ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

guest • 7 years ago

1. I feel like you were drunk when you wrote this and rather than being fun, tasteful, or even truth
dropping it's actually just depressing and desperate and worrying. Pretty emblematic of your life, it
seems.

2. You sound like every alcoholic I've ever met when they describe the formative years of their
disease. This can go on for quite a while--like 20 years, but will almost certainly end tragically for
you and/or an unsuspecting person.

3. Just because you're not embarrassed by how you act when you're drunk doesn't mean it's not
embarrassing. My best friend is similar to you in her addiction and in her denial, and while she's not
usually embarrassed by her behavior during a drunken night out, I'm generally mortified and having
to explain and apologize on her behalf while she's off thinking she's the life of the party.

I hope I'm not being too harsh, here, but you do sound exactly like my best friend and her layer of
denial about her drinking and her behavior while drunk is impenetrable. it's gotten to the point
where only people that are more fucked up than her (coke heads and other addicts want to hang
out with her). I hope you do summon the bravery it takes to be honest with yourself and then go
from there.

Cheers!
14 △ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

KCCO • 7 years ago

KEEP CALM AND CHIVE ON!!!!!!!!!!11ONE
1△ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

tp • 7 years ago
I'll drink to that
3△ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

JJ12 • 7 years ago

Good luck with the whole "happy alcoholic" thingy. I'm sure it will work out fine. Did you mention
you don't remember things? Blackouts are no big deal, amirite? They surely don't mean anything?

I'm sure the need to constantly be in a mood altered state is sign of a well adjusted person.

"Hey I'm just a happy alcoholic!" is surely a great rationalization to just keep on drinking eh? "I'm a
alky! It's how we do! Woooo!" You'll be able to use this justification for years!

Oh you might want to read the latest research over at the Dailymail from a day or two ago. Doesn't
matter if you only drink a bit everyday, you will still get cirrhosis or hepatitis. Liver failure is rapidly
climbing as a cause of death due to our "two or three glasses of red wine a night is good for you"
culture.
You need a minimum of two or three days off IN A ROW from drinking a week for your liver to
function properly. You are heading for a horribly unpleasant death. Liver failure ain't fun. Check out
the hospital some time for yourself to see what alcoholic deaths look like.

Anyways, me thinks thou doth protest too much but maybe it really is enhancing your life.

A lot of people use booze and drugs to get through the drudgery and ennui of being a nameless
drone in our western cubicle dwelling wage slave society There are no great existential challenges
to life anymore. No daily necessities to survival. Constant satiation and artificial stimulation.
Technology makes everything easy and comfortable.

Just get drunk and party on I guess……….

10 △ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

Dee • 7 years ago

Sounds like you are allowing your preconceived notions of an alcoholic stereotype get in the way of
your judgement.
3△ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

Adrienne Cannella • 7 years ago

This is flawed from the first paragraph. Receiving evaluation from your mother is a
conflict of interest. Yes, she may be a psychologist, but you are her daughter and she will always err
on the side that you don’t have a problem. It sounds like you are functioning alcoholic, which can
still become dangerous.
13 △ ▽ • Reply • Share ›

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