Speaker Dialogue

Glitch to the White House behind protective metal bars. Rand Ridley walks towards it wearing a
lavender robe with pink flowers, sweatpants and slippers, drinking alcohol.
Vendor T-shirts, get your T-shirt!
A tour guide is showing a group of schoolchildren around the White House premises. A man
carrying souvenirs reading "I ♥ DC", as well as the United States flag, walks past them.
Tour And the White House is called "the People's House" because in America, the
Guide Government works for you.
Rand Bullshit!
The kids gasp. Rand turns around to face them and drunkenly rants on, while spilling much of
his alcoholic beverage.
Listen up, kids. Everything they teach you in school is a lie. You want the truth? The
world is controlled by shadowy elites, and shape-shifting lizard people. Have you
Rand ever folded a one-dollar bill? (folds a one-dollar bill to make a brand new word.)
Look, you can make it say "boobs"! What does it mean?? Am I the only one who
cares that the President is a robot?!
Rand throws and breaks his glass alcohol bottle on the pavement.
(through megaphone) Wake up, sheeple! (shoves a flyer in a student's face) The
Rand
evidence is right here!
Rand throws a bunch of conspiracy flyers in the air, littering the pavement.
Rand These sons of bitches got snipers trained on me for trying to tell you the truth.
Five snipers point their laser aim at Rand's forehead.
Rand Ah, I love being right.
A car horn can be heard honking in the distance. The car arrives at the scene, but nearly
crashes into the kids and adults there who all scream and run away. The car's right-side window
rolls down and Reagan is seen at the driver's seat, disappointed.
Rand Thank you! Take a flyer for a friend. (drops his megaphone)
Reagan Dad, what the fuck? Has retirement made you go completely insane?
Rand No, but the 5G radio waves in the air have...
Rand shows the flyer from earlier to the crowd, completely visible to the camera and reading
Rand ...which you can read all about in my new manifesto available on Kindle!
Oh, Jesus Christ... don't listen to my father, kids! He gets his news from Facebook
Reagan
and Ambien.
Rand Ambien's a great drug, really clarifies some things.
Reagan (checks her watch) Come on. I'm gonna be late for work.
Rand enters the car, and Reagan drives off with him as everyone is in shock.
Reagan (shouting) Democracy is real! Have some keychains.
Reagan picks up a set of American flag keychains and throws them from the car towards the
group of children from earlier. One of the keychains hits a boy's eye.
Kid Agh! (cries)
Hey Reagan, let's go to the mall and get a Wetzel's Pretzel. They got those ones with
Rand
the- (snaps his fingers) with the cheese inside the crust and...
Dad, I know retirement is tough, but there's more positive ways to get my attention
Reagan
than "taking down the Deep State."
Rand (groans)
Reagan Besides, today, I am finally getting that promotion. Imagine it
Reagan hits the car horn with her fist.
Reagan I even programmed an iron fist!
She pulls the iron fist she built, which makes a thumbs-up gesture.
 Rand I've seen better.
Reagan Oh, have you seen better?
The thumbs-up turns to a middle finger, with a red flag coming out the top reading "LIKE A
BOSS", two other middle fingers coming out behind it, and tiny confetti accompanied by a
harmonica tune. The hands light up in vibrant colors.
Rand Alright, that's pretty good.
Reagan Yeah, that is pretty good, huh? (throws the iron fist in the back)
Cut to Reagan and Rand arriving at the Cognito, Inc. headquarters. A PA system welcomes
them.
PA Welcome to Cognito Inc. We are... a company. We are... a company.
A large screen with an old businessman can be seen with the slogan "We're a company" to the
right. We later see the screen at the Cognito entrance, in front of which is a secretary. Rand and
Reagan enter the premises.
Secretary Good morning, Dr. Ridley.
Rand throws his bottle of alcohol at the secretary and she glitches, revealing she is actually a
virtual hologram. The PA system glitches out as well. Reagan walks up to a retinal scan lock
and scans her eye.
Reagan Look, Dad, as long as you're living with me. We need to set some ground rules.
The retinal scan lock displays the word "HELLO" and the elevator in front of them unlocks.
Reagan and Rand enter the elevator. A man with a rifle and bullet-proof military attire is there
with them.
Reagan First, no more vodka for breakfast.
Rand Oh, come on!
In the background, we can see multiple departments of Cognito, Inc. behind clear glass.
Reagan You can't tell people that the government isn't real.
The elevator arrives at the basement.
Rand But it's not!
Orange
Monster
with
Dr. Ridley? (Rand shoves him towards the floor.) Ough!
Multiple
Eyes and
Mouths
Rand and Reagan walk toward the center of the floor. Five floors of open floor workspace can
be seen with many human and non-human employees. Mr. Mothman flies across the screen
toward the third floor. An employee is transporting Bigfoot in a glass tube over Rand and
Reagan, protected by a yellow self-constructive shield. Unfortunately, Bigfoot breaks out of the
glass tube and chokes the employee.
Reagan You can't talk about shape-shifting reptiles.
A worker is transporting a Lost and Found carriage through the floor. A middle-aged senator
comes out the bottom of a black transport tube with the letter "X" on it. He's currently on a
phone call.
Lost and
Found Good morning, Senator!
Worker
Senator Revenues and uh- (transforms into a lizard and yelps, then continues phone call)
Cut to Reagan and Rand walking through the hallway from the view of the Weather Department.
Gerald from Accounting is unable to get the Rain Maker 47Q5 to shut off its thunderstorm.
Reagan You can't tell people the weather is controlled by Gerald from Accounting...
 A lightning bolt strikes him and the tablet he was controlling the weather with. Cut to the
Financial Department, where five men in black hooded robes are sat around a goat, with the
pentagram drawn on the table and four lit candles over it.
Reagan ...or that the Dow Jones is controlled by blood sacrifices.
Hooded
Shares of JPMorgan Chase, up to 14 points! (slices the goat's head off to a pool of
Robe
blood) Woo!
Man
Cut to Reagan and Rand walking through laboratory where a fusion reactor is turned on.
Rand Rules, Rules, Rules. When did this become such a boring place to work?
A worker falls into the fusion reaction and gets sliced in half. His legs are still moving. An
alarm starts blaring. Cut to the hallway where we see Steve, an unborn baby in a water
container, with three eyes working on his small laptop.
Steve Morning, Dr. Ridley.
Both
Rand and (monotonous) Hi, Steve.
Reagan
Rand Fucking brown-noser.
Steve gives Rand a mean side-eye look and then continues working.
And most importantly, you absolutely cannot tell people that we are replacing the
Reagan
President with a robot, okay?
Cut to Rand and Reagan arriving at Ridley Labs. Reagan points at a dark shadow, and the
lights dramatically turn on to reveal ROBOTUS in an authentic presidential office set in faux-
daylight.
Rand Aw, don't be so uptight.
Rand pulls out a vodka from under his robe while Reagan is talking.
Uptight?! You almost exposed the Deep State because you wanted a ride to Wetzel's
Reagan
Pretzels! You're lucky I called the snipers off.
Gary points a laser aim at Rand's forehead from off-screen. Rand casually throws the vodka at
the wall behind him, and it breaks.
Gary, no, no. (laser now points at Reagan's forehead) Ha, ha. Save it for stand-up
Reagan
night, Gary.
The laser disappears. An intern happens to pass by.
Shit, I'm late. Hey, intern guy. Take my dad home. If he gives you any trouble, (pulls
Reagan
out a taser from her pocket) don't be afraid to lightly tase him.
The intern is handed the taser and approaches Rand. Rand immediately pushes him back with a
backhand slap.
Rand Do it. I fucking dare you. Do you know who I am?
Rand walks toward a poster of Rand Ridley with J.R. Scheimpough in their younger years.
Rand I'm Rand Motherfucking Ridley, and I used to run this company.
Cut to Reagan walking towards a spot with bright and dramatic lighting, with a smile and her
arms on her hips.
And soon, I will be running it. (turns around, to the Intern) Nothing higher than a
Reagan
three!
Rand is being tased and escorted out of the building.
Rand Ow!
Reagan Later, Dad!
Rand Oh! Motherfucker!
Cut to Theme song.
Reagan arrives to the office.
 Alright, Let's just get right into it. Jesus, Can we turn on the lights for once? (Turns
Reagan
on the lights)
The team groans.

Myc Boo.
Andre Some of us have hangovers, all right?
Oh, I'm so sorry, Andre. Is your Molly comedown relevant to global security? Guys,
We are shadow-running the free world here. Let's try to take this job seriously. As you
recall, The candidate that we backed in the last election won, But turned out to be too
Reagan
dumb to manipulate. But thanks to my new sick invention, The Deep State will finally
have a president we can control. Ah, Look at that thing. I'm a genius! Anyway, This is
our biggest job yet, So get your shit together. That means no huffing chemtrails-
Andre (huffing a chemtrail) Whassat?
Reagan ...No using drones to spy on your ex-wife.
Glenn Hey, you don't know what she's capable of.
Reagan And no taking selfies on the moon-landing set.
Gigi (laughs) Top secret isn't a thing for eights and above, Reagan.
Myc Yeah, You're not the boss of us.
Reagan Actually, as 12 p.m. today, I'm literally going to be the boss of all of you.
Everyone groans.

!Reagan |... and I'm gonna ban groaning, No more group groaning. |-

|colspan=2 align=center|Everyone groans again. |-

!Reagan | That's right, You get 'em all out while you still can. |-

|colspan=2 align=center|J.R appears on the screen. |-

!J.R | Reagan, I'd like to see you in my office. |-

!Reagan | (laughs) Suck my DICK! |-

|colspan=2 align=center|Reagan ricochets a rubber globe over the table. Cut to J.R talking to
Oprah on a phone. |-

!J.R | Oh you are so funny, I could just assassinate you. (laughs) No, really, I could do it. My
finger's hovering over the button. (laughs) Oh, oh, I'm about to press-- Oop, I'm about to press --
Oop, We have fun Oprah. Kiss, kiss, Bye! |-

|colspan=2 align=center|He hangs up the phone, now talking to Reagan. |-

!!J.R | Ah, There she is. Reagan Ridley, Child prodigy, Top of MIT at age 13, I don't need to
look at your eyebags to know you've been working hard. |-

!Reagan | Thank you sir, and I am prepared for them to get deeper. |-

!J.R | Ever since your dad had his meltdown, and you took over his duties, Productivity is up and
team morale has skyrocketed. |-

!Reagan | Thank your sir-- |-

!J.R | Let me finish, into the toilet. Look at your HR complaints, "Difficult", "Doesn't make eye
contact." "Says 'suck my dick' a lot for a woman." |-

!Reagan | I make eye contact, I make tons of eye contact. (Stares at J.R terrifyingly) |-

!J.R | Jesus, Never do that again, Wow! |-

!Reagan | Look, I know you care about your work, But your intensity freaks people out. |-

|colspan=2 align=center|Flashback. |-

!Reagan breaks in a door with a yellow machine that she's controlling. | |-

!Reagan | (screaming) EVERYONE REMEMBER TO DO TIME CARDS!! (Picks up Glenn)

TIME CARDS!!! |-

|colspan=2 align=center|Flashback ends. |-

!Reagan | J.R, am I still getting promoted? I've worked my whole life for this job. I skipped
grades and showers, To prove that despite my dad's legacy, I can run the shit out of this office. |-

!J.R | Sure, you are so smart, But your people skills, Woof! That's why I brought in someone to
co-lead the team. |-

!Reagan | Excuse me? Co-Lead? |-

!J.R | Brett! You can take that silly thing off now that we microchipped you. |-

!Brett | Brett Hand, thrilled to be serving whoever gives me approval. |-

!Reagan | What the hell, J.R? |-

!J.R | Congratulations, Reagan. You're still getting your promotion. And so is he. |-

|colspan=2 align=center|A commercial plays for Cognito Inc.. |-

| |-

!Voice-Over |Ever wondered who watches you through your laptop camera? Or why there's
sometimes product placement in your dreams? (Ethical Business Practices *ⁿᵒᵗ ᵃˡʷᵃʸˢ ᵉᵗʰᶦᶜᵃˡ) |-

!Menacing Voice-Over |Since the dawn of time, The world has been ruled by a cabal of ancient
elites. |-

!Regular Voice-Over |But puppeteering the world isn't as easy as it used to be. That's why we
formed this company. To enact our overlord's mysterious whims for a better tomorrow. We are
Cognito, Inc. and we got you covered, up! |-

!Lady | Any questions? |-

|colspan=2 align=center|Everyone raises their hand. |-

!Lady | Besides moral ones? |-

|colspan=2 align=center|Everyone lowered their hand. |-

Reagan| That's the mail room, That's the men's bathroom, That's the screening room where we
splice footage of rotting foxes into kids' cartoons.

(Children crying)

Reagan| And this is my lab, Where everything is peaceful, efficient and the thermostat is
controlled entirely by me. Someday, I hope to make the whole world like this. Efficient, that is.
Not (chuckles) Not controlled entirely by me. That would totally be egomaniacal, I would never
do that. Unless people wanted me to.
Brett| Oh my god, Mr. President, What an honor.

ROBOTUS (AKA The President)| The honor is mine. (in robot voice) Actor James Van Der
Beek. Reagan| This isn't the president, It's a robot replica that's gonna replace him.

Brett| Love it, Love it. Question, Is this place evil?

Reagan| Uh, is Facebook evil? Is Starbucks evil? At least here I develop tech that could prevent
war with Atlantis. And once a year, We get free tote bags.

Brett| (gasps) Awesome, A neuralyzer, just like Men In Black

Reagan| That's a tampon.

Brett| Oh god- (drops tampon)

Reagan| So how did you get this job?

Brett| Honestly, I graduated Yale top of my frat, Spent some time as a lobbyist, Because I love
lobbies, and last weekend, I was at a barbecue with J.R and said he said he liked how firm my
handshake was. Next thing you know, They're throwing a bag over my head and then boom. I'm
here.

Reagan| Oh my god, you don't have any experience at all.

Brett| (laughs) Nope.

Reagan| You're just some kind of yes-man.

Brett| Yes, man.

Brett and The Gang

(The scene cuts to Reagan pounding her food with a fork while Gigi is laughing.}}

Gigi| Oh my god, Thank god you're here. You raise the hotness level at this office by at least
30%, Gigi, PR and Media Manipulation. I invented selfies to trick the country into surveilling
themselves. (chuckles)

Brett| M-hmm

Gigi| This is Glenn, He's half-dolphin, as you can tell.

Glenn| And proud of it. As the first volunteer for the man-dolphin super-soldier project, I gave
my DNA for my country. I now have the strength and intelligence of a dolphin. (struggles to
open a bag of chips and makes the sound of a dolphin.}}

(Myc walks in)

Gigi| This is Myc

He's a psychic mushroom from inside Hollow Earth. He can read thoughts though so, honey, be
careful.

(Myc reads Brett's mind)

Myc| Wow, you've memorized a lot of Dane Cook routines.

Brett| (laughs) Guilty.

Andre| and I'm Andre, head of Biochem, If you like drugs, I have the stuff that gave Ronald
Reagan Alzheimer's.

Brett| Wow, What a group. Or can I call you "The gang"?

Gigi| Ooh, honey, I love that. Did you come up with that?

Brett| Sure did, the gang. Pew-pew-pew!

(everyone laughing)

Gigi| Ooh, finger guns

Glenn| Guns, my favorite.

(Myc goes to Reagan)

Myc| Wow, Someone's feeling threatened huh?

Reagan| Myc, I'd tell you to eat shit, But I don't know, Maybe your species enjoys that. Maybe
you like eating shit. How do I know?

(Myc imitates yowl, laughs)

Myc| Alright, Look, hot stuff, I know you and me have a complicated "Will they? Won't they?"
thing going--

Reagan| We don't.

Myc| But I'm just looking out for ya. We could form a little alliance, you know. I could slip some
rat poison into his coffee, Make it look like an accident, huh?

(all laughing and Brett sips his coffee)

Myc| Holy shit, You thought I was serious? (laughs)

Reagan| No, (Doubt, X), I just had something in my eye. Asshole.

Myc| Why would you think that?

Reagan's Plan
(The scene cuts to Reagan's house, Where Rand is changing TV channels with a remote.}}

TV| ...a cosmic ballet performed to an audience of no one.

Rand| (laughing) Check out this asshole's novelty tie. Come on Reagan, You wanna hate-watch
Cosmos with me?

Reagan| (holding a basket) Hey, Dad, on a ten-point scale, How unlikeable am I?

Rand| What's going on? (as he scooches off crumbs)

Reagan| It's nothing. No, It's-It's J.R, uh, He hired a guy Brett to help co-lead the team, But it's
not a big deal.

Rand| What? I smell a coup. J.R is a snake, Reagan. He's trying to push you out of the company
just like what he did to me.

Reagan| Dad, you weren't pushed out, You were fired for getting drunk and trying to blow up the
sun.

Rand| I was gonna cure skin cancer. These people don't respect genius. There's always a Brett
trying to steal our glory, If you don't get rid of him, It'll be you wearing these Cheeto-stained
sweatpants. You need a plan, Let me check your code.

Reagan| (groans) I have a plan, I'm gonna make the best goddamn AI they've ever seen. Once we
launch ROBOTUS, Then they'll see that I don't need a co-leader, and that eye contact is
overrated. (Puts her laptop in her bag and ROBOTUS' head.}}

Rand| Attagirl, Reagan. Good talk.

(Reagan goes back to Cognito Inc.}}

Reagan| Ugh, It's okay. Forget about Brett. My work will speak for itself.

ROBOTUS| (in the bag) Did you say "Brett"? I love that guy.

(The scene cuts to the Washington Monument)

(suspenseful music playing)

Reagan| Good morning, Mr. President. Would you like some coffee?

ROBOTUS| You betcha, Sweetheart. And I'll take a little sugar with that, If you know what I
mean. (winks and slaps Reagan's butt)

Reagan| As you can see, I've gone above and beyond. Now ROBOTUS is just as insufferable as
the real thing.
J.R| (claps) Fantastic. the Shadow Board should be pleased.

(the Shadow Board pops up in some kind of device)

The Shadow Board| We are.

J.R| How long have you been watching, Your Robenesses, sirs?

The Shadow Board| We're always watching. Very impressive. But is there any danger that is
goes rogue on us? You know, like Terminator. Yes first thing I thought, (Indeed)

Reagan| Oh, don't worry, He isn't self-aware, His brain is just a slurry of Super Bowl
commercials and Aaron Sorkin dialogue.

ROBOTUS| We've fought damn hard to get where we are, But the American people can fight a
lot damn harder.

Reagan| (chuckling) He's way too patriotic to revolt.

(Reagan shuts ROBOTUS down)

Reagan| And bonus features, like this ergonomic travel setting.

(Reagan activates the aforementioned setting, ROBOTUS transforms into a briefcase)

Reagan| Finally, a president you can shut up with a button.

The Shadow Board| That´ll do wonders for my back. How soon can we launch?

Reagan| Right away. We´re swapping him out at the United Nations vote on barley prices. Even
C-SPAN 15´s not gonna be watching that shit.

The Shadow Board| Your team has done excellent work, J.R.. I see a robe and a creepily
disguised voice in your future.

J.R.| Well, the praise here belongs to-

(J.R. is interrupted by the sound of a horn blaring, Brett enters the room)

Brett| What up, players? Guess who brought bagels.

(All gasp)

Glenn| Bagels.

Gigi| Ooh, poppy seed.

Andre| Thank God. I have raging munchies.

J.R.| Brett, no one has ever gone above and beyond like this.

Brett| (singing) Everybody´s got bagel fever.

Reagan| Just so we´re clear, I literally solved artificial intelligence this morning.

J.R.| Brett´s second day at work, and productivity has already gone up 200%.

Brett| (laughs) Wow.

Reagan| Yeah, because I worked all night and finished early.

The Shadow Board| We are most pleased. We will not soon forget the name "Brett."

Coworkers| (chanting) Brett! Brett! Brett!

(Reagan distances herself from her coworkers and angrily punches a window of the replica of the
President´s office. This causes a mechanical arm to pour coffee over her.}}

Reagan| (angrily) Oh my God, this is not happening.

In Brett's Office
(The scene cuts to Brett, who is putting together a football table in his office)

Brett| (singing in incorrect melody) Crash into me, baby.

(Reagan enters the office)

Brett| Oh, hey, Reagan. Great job today. You really killed whatever we were doing in there.

Reagan| Thanks, pal. And you did great at bringing bagels.

Brett| I did? Okay, phew. (chuckles) I just really wanna make a good impression. No one´s given
me anything to do yet, and I got a lot of nervous energy.

Brett starts doing push-ups)

Reagan| Uh-oh. This job can be a lot of pressure for nervous types. Ninety percent of recruits
have a mental breakdown in their first week. Look, someone just cracked now.

(Through a window, Reagan and Brett observe an unnamed employee who is having a mental
breakdown and is being dragged away by security personnel)

Unnamed employee| We´re undermining democracy! What have I become?

(The employee breaks free and steals a laser gun, enabling him to go on a brief rampage before
being restrained by one of the guards who were escorting him)

Reagan| If I were you, I´d get out while you still can. (whispers) Before the darkness consumes
you.

Brett| (laughs) Come on. Like Pitbull says, "Dale!".

Brett pulls out a poster from his bag)

Brett| Always stay positive, even when things are negative, because a negative plus a positive is
better than nothing.

(Brett puts the poster on the window)

Reagan| No, it´s literally nothing. They cancel each other out.

(In the background, an explosion occurs, but goes unnoticed by Brett and Reagan.}}

Brett| (chuckles) Sorry, just got a snap from J.R. . That dude´s hilarious.}} !Brett takes a few
selfies.] | |-

!Reagan | (to herself) He's overselling the harmless idiot thing. Who do you really work for,
Brett Hand? |-