ee ee SACHIN, HM LAE Ae HARIFS, ERMGPBTEET BAS? How to get to know all (the parts) of you By Derek Scott, Aeon, Published Jan. 25, 2023 Need to know Many people struggle to like themselves — perhaps you are one of them, What if I were to tell you that you are inherently good, kind and loving at your core, and that there is nothing wrong with you? My guess is that you'd probably respond on the inside with something like: 'He doesn't know me,’ or 'He doesn't know some of the things that I've done.’ As a psychotherapist, I'm used to these kinds of comments, and have come to know from years of experience that everyone is indeed inherently good, although different parts of us may behave in extreme ways. These extremes point to the healing that we need, and can bring to ourselves. I practise internal family systems therapy (IFS) — an approach developed by the US psychotherapist Richard Schwartz that sees the different parts within each of us operating much like families interact. Sometimes, your different parts are squabbling; sometimes, they're working together; and sometimes, they're fiercely protective of other members. Schwartz came to this realisation after listening to clients — really listening. He found they (like you) would say: 'A part of me likes/hates this..." and he wondered what would happen if we recognised those parts as being real. You have many different parts, and a core Self IFS holds two things to be true: 1. Your personality consists of many different parts,Tae EY ee ECE 2. At your core, your true Self, inherently loving, is present and available. According to IFS, our parts are quite literally little beings inside of us with thoughts and feelings and their own experiences. When they ‘blend’ with us — ie, take over our whole system — then in that moment it can ‘feel! like that's who we are, For example, if I'm crying while watching a movie, then I'm just sad. But IFS suggests that maybe the sad me are separate parts of myself, since I'm not sad all the time. In contrast, what is always available to me, at least when I feel safe and. calm? My love, kindness, courage, creativity, curiosity. It helps to know some basic IFS terminology Before I explain more about how you can use IFS, it's going to help you to know some of the basic terms and concepts: Core Self: these are your qualities of compassion, curiosity, calmness, confidence, connectedness, clarity, creativity and courage. Protective parts: the proactive parts of these are your managers, They like to manage your life to make you look good; they often ‘use that 'should! voice inside your head. Your inner eritie — the one that beats you up for the mistakes you make, or for your supposed flaws — is one of these manager parts. ‘Vulnerable parts: these sensitive parts are your exiles. They're the parts of you holding distressing feelings and/or beliefs. These parts are often young and frozen in the past; for example, a kid who was respeatedly told they were a disappointment at eight years old can get stuck at that age. Manager parts may decide that the best way to protect this kid is to always be perfect, so they don't get criticised again Protective parts: the reactive parts of these are your firefighters. When an exile is ‘triggered’, for example your partner shames 02Tae EY ee ECE you for something you did, then, to protect you from becoming engulfed by shame, your firefighter part may become enraged, or use drugs, alcohol, food, pom or other activities, to distract you from the emotional pain, But here's the thing — all the parts have a positive intent: ie, they are all trying to help in some way. Let's say a friend has rented the local swimming pool for a party and they invite you, letting you know the theme is 'Bikinis and Speedos’ If there is a part of you that doesn't feel comfortable in your body, you may have an internal debate that sounds something like this: ‘I don't think I'll go; I wouldn't be comfortable.’ "You have to go, they're your friend. Besides, they might think you're blowing them off’ ‘How about if we wear something to cover ourselves up?" ‘Don't be ridiculous, then we'd really draw attention to ourselves.’ ‘Its not for two months, maybe we can diet and hit the gym more.’ "That never works; besides, I'm sick of starving myself.’ From an IFS perspective, these are your manager parts talking; can you hear the ‘should’ voice concerned about how you appear to others? All have a good intent, but, as you can see, they don't necessarily agree with each other, and this can ereate a lot of psychic tension. Manager parts also serve you by trying to make sure that the exile parts holding distress or burdens (such as the one that feels some body shame) don't get triggered and take over. They are proactive in keeping the ones holding the pain in their place. At the potluck table, you are considering having a piece of delicious-looking cheesecake 03Tae EY ee ECE when another guest leans towards you and says: ‘Oh you're so brave... I couldn't even /ook at that cheesecake.’ Let's say your angry firefighter says loudly to the other guest: How dare you comment on my food choices? What makes you think you have the right?’ and you leave the party in anger. Chances are, as you drive home and get away from the trigger, you will hear something like this in your head (a clash between your firefighter and manager parts): "What's wrong with you ~ I can't believe you just did that, and everybody noticed!" ‘Well I had every right to, they shouldn't have said that. "But now everybody will be talking about us — have you no self- control?! "They deserved it! You might have experienced similar situations yourself ~ it needn't be a pool party, of course: it could be something at work, at a get- together with friends, a domestic situation — anywhere that your parts end up in conflict over how best to protect you, But what if you could deal with these kinds of situation differently? IFS offers a route to healing, self-forgiveness and acceptance, It sees the core Self in everyone as characterised by the qualities of compassion, curiosity, calmness, creativity, courage, connectedness, confidence and clarity. What to do Use journaling One way to get to know your parts is with journaling, especially if this is something you already do, You may want to review your journal and look for the voices of different parts that may have written in a certain ‘mood’, Let's apply this to a specific situation, 7Ee SEI ‘There may be a decision that you need to make, for instance taking a new job you have been offered, You can split the page in half, and have one part write its position on the left, another with the opposing view on the right — perhaps in a different colour or lower down the page so the distinction is clear, like this: Use email accounts or video If it appeals to you, then you could consider setting up an email account for your parts to write to, pethaps more than one. For instance, if there is a person you're in conflict with, then you may have a righteous part that wants to tell them exactly what it thinks of them, That part can take a lot of pleasure in venting all of that in an email. Then with great satisfaction it can hit 'Send Another way to connect with your parts and hear their perspective is by recording videos of your parts speaking, T suggest starting with very common parts such as 'the critic’, ‘the intellectualiser’, ‘the people-pleaser’ or ‘the perfectionist’. (If you don't recognise any of those, choose one of your own parts that you'd like to get to know better.) ‘Map your different parts and how they relate to each other Some people like to map out their parts, and there are a number of ways to do that, such as by using paper cards. Here's an example of, a map that one of my students did of a group of parts that typically arise when she's in conflict with her partner:Tae EY ee ECE You can do this using stick figures and labels on cards, or you can just use words and not worry about drawing — whatever works best for you. Start wherever feels appropriate, and let your feelings and intuition guide you, There's no right or wrong way to do this. As you identify parts to put on a card, you'll come to see that these are the parts of you wanting to be known. If you find yourself overthinking this exercise, congratulations! You've just met your ‘figuring it out’ part, Put that one down on a card and say ‘Hi’ to it Use a body map to understand the physical side of your parts Parts tend to get our attention visually, intuitively, auditorily or somatically — that is, through the body. If your parts give you information via your body ~ for example you have the thought 'I feel it in my gut,’ 'My neck is really tense’ or if chronic pain is part of your story — then you may want to work with a body map. If you notice tension in your neck, for instance, th n show it on your body map using colours, shading or words of your choice. As you do that, you may notice butterflies in your stomach. Find a way to represent that too, after asking intemally: ‘Are you a part of me?’ and waiting for the response. Keep going until the map feels complete for now (you'll know intuitively when you've reached that point), The exercises in this Guide may seem strange at first — if you feel this way at any point, you can always start by acknowledging the part or parts that find it odd, and ask if you can do it anyway. You may have a sceptic part — if so, welcome it. Or a part that thinks you're making it all up. It too can be included. And then you ean go beyond getting to know them, and start the healing, 06Eee Eman bring (one) to oneself (bring to ourselves) FFNTEM, HEEL Es © to cause one to resume acting or feeling as one normally does © e.g, I was starting to get disoriented after being awake for 36 hours straight, but a good nights rest brought me to myself. ZE38% 36 MS TREAS PETEIME RIA, (EL ~ "Rt RAFI BARC FTE, squabble (squabbling) "skwob(o)W/ v. COMBE) HD, 22 anf © to argue noisily about sth. that is not very important © e.g. My sisters were squabbling over what to watch on TV, PRMELEK IE sR HS BS OD terminology /ts:minolodgu n, SEAN) ANE © the set of echnical words or expressions used in a particular subject, © e.g, medical terminology BEE AE proactive /prov'ektv/ adj. BUBB, anti, HE BALD © controlling a situation by making things happen rather than. waiting for things to happen and then reacting to them © e.g. In order to survive the competition a company should, be proactive not reactive. RZEVS Phe tE PIR, AAAARE ARCA, TOME TARA engulf (engulfed) /in'galfi v. (UH, 2, Met; PHI © (formal) to surround or to cover sb./sth. completely © e.g, He was engulfed by a crowd of reporters. (Hi —UH2 FHI. © to affect sb./sth. very strongly © eg, Fear engulfed her. Sth: APRPRMEIR ZB, Speedo (Speedos) ’spido’ n. (Jtti) BAUS, iif aR; REI COATT) © a swimming costume , especially a style of tight trunks for, ‘men and boys © a distributor of swimwear and swim-telated accessories blow sb Jsth. off (blowing them off) 7B, 4538 © (informal) to treat someone or something as unimportant, for example by not mecting someone or not going to an event 2. Bud got into trouble for blowing off the meeting. EY psychic sarkik! adj HN CE) © (psychical) affecting the mind rather than the body © ex. psychic disorders FANHEEL potluck potlak/ n. HORSE (Smee AE) ‘© a meal to which each guest brings some food, which is then shared out among the guests vent (venting) /vent/, 228, A2itk (ABH, JCARHED) © (formal) to express feelings, especially anger, strongly © eg, He vented his anger on the referee. (Wi "CMEGR A Shs somatic (somatically) /so!maxk! adj. 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