Qom'uKufa - Nhlalo's Love Story

:Nhlalo's Love Story
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Welcome to my imaginary world of damsels, love and gangsters or in short

QOM'UKUFA. I can't say much except...
— enjoy
The author
S. Mhlongo
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Qom’uKufa: Nhlalo’s Love Story
Copyright © 2021 by S. Mhlongo
All copyrights reserved All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in

any forms, or by any means without the prior permission in writing by the author, nor
be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that which exists and
without similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent
reader.
All characters and events in this book, other than those clearly in the public domain,
are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, dead or alive, is purely
coincidental.
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Intro
I’ve tasted death numerous times but never has it felt so real and so bitter. In the
time in my life when I finally found something— someone, to live for I find myself
trying to savour what might be my last breathe, for what might be the last time I
hold his hand and in what might be my last minute with my body and soul
together, memory takes me back to the beginning…
Chapter 1
Nhlalo-enhle Mabizela, daughter of business tycoon, Mpiyakhe Mabizela owner of

Zikhali weapons, the largest, most efficient weapon producing company in Africa.
I was 20 years old, still single and had no children. My parents thought I was old
enough to get married when I was 18, unlike my mother I didn’t fall for a man
twice my age. I had a job, I was fired for missing work for days without a valid
reason as if my mother being kidnapped wasn’t valid enough. I was my father’s
personal assistant, my mother forced my father to give me the job after she found
out he was sleeping with his former PA. I didn’t like my job, I didn’t like working
for my father but everybody has to start somewhere. Should I add I wasn’t fully
qualified I was still doing my second year.
I was just a girl, but that didn’t define who I was. I was outspoken in most
situations. Angiphaphi don’t get me wrong, I just make my opinion heard. I’m not
like every girl, my upbringing was not like any other girls upbringing. While they
played with toys I played with guns. When they learned to cook I learned how to
function a gun. When they got books about enchanting love and Cinderella I was
reading gun manuals and when they were busy partying I was in the fields
shooting down birds and prey. I learned that I shouldn’t rely on anyone for
anything. I didn’t need anyone for anything, this was most probably why my
relationships never lasted. To go along with the gun training. I am fit, not thin or
slender but fit for some reason when I say I’m fit people expect a thin chick. I’m
far from that, I’m just like most girls, I got a body with legs, to be honest my legs
are nicely shaped. I have arms, for some reason when I say I’m fit but not thin
people again expect me to have huge muscles and have a man body. Honestly I
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hate trying to explain this to people so you know what let me say it in a way
people can get it. I'm fit but I'm not thin nor muscular I'm just a body really. I was
cursed with huge eyes like my mother, but they can’t see so I wear contacts, my
eyes are a mixture of green and brown, I don’t know where I got the green from
but it definitely wasn’t my mother. I inherited a lot from my mother, she gave me
my attitude too and my most of my shape and what did I get from my father? I
got all bad things like my hairiness, I have hair everywhere and my short temper.
I'm light, I mean my complexion looks good on other people just not on me,
Lethu's dark and I envy her, heartache arose when I remembered that I missed
Lethu's funeral. I got a tooth gap and a thigh gap(I know my jokes are dry, I’ve
been told they’re drier that the Kalahari, but that’s just an exaggeration) and
freckles, everywhere so it isn’t pretty and I still have marks on my face from my
pimply teen years.
I never thought this day would come so soon, the day that I watched my mother
dead, in front of me, I saw as her body, lifeless. Flesh parted from soul and the
day I would watch her coffin be buried six feet under, yet there I was sitting in the
front in black and the choir singing “amagugu”. I wish she’s forgiven for the things
she had done. Heaven be forgiving to her. She wasn’t really a bad person, that’s
what I say because she’s my mother but honestly she was the worst person. I
remember the time when she ran over a hobo and he wasn’t even on the road,
she was that bad of a person. So I watched as she lay there, her body lifeless. My
father was next to her coffin making a scene. The guy never fuckin loved her in
the first place! Now he was there crying like he cared, he didn’t care enough to
save her life, there weren’t any tears, he was just making donkey sounds.
Dad: buya kimi!

He was rolling on the ground. The whole entire Mpiyakhe Mabizela, rolling on the
ground, I can just imagine that as the headline of the newspaper, futhi on the
front page. The day he died I wished he would go to the hottest part of hell and
the only reason he was crying so much was because he wanted to inherit my
mother’s belongings.
Me: nilale ngoxolo bazali bami.

Till this day I can’t justify why I did what I did next, I just could watch my father
doing what he was doing. I got my DRS precision gun (this is my baby), shot him
threw the chest and left everybody gasping in shock, like hell I cared. None of
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these people even liked my mother, they were just there for the gift bags and the
food. I wanted that piece of shit to die. Now everybody could go home and carry
on with life. Crying won’t bring them back, it never does. I got in my car and
anyways I needed to get to the airport to catch my plane to South Africa to find
whoever assassinated my mother. I was currently in Swaziland because it's my
mothers home country. My father left South Africa as a soldier going to war in
Swaziland the war ended and he became a gardener, he met my mother. The
things love makes you do, too bad love will never catch me no matter how hard it
tries. It has made a few attempts like a really nice guy but I’m just not interested
in love, to the point where I think I don’t believe in this so called love. The guy can
be tall, dark and handsome probably even husband material for some girls except
for me.
Just days ago, life as I knew it crumbled into pieces.
It was mother and I, we just had came back from her weekly shopping spree, note
when I say she was the one who was shopping and I was just going with her
because she used her mothers day coupons on me. I was carrying 12 bags or so.
As always we got home, ate grapes while she tried on all the clothes thoroughly
checking if they fit her, like dad ever noticed he was always busy with some
school girl who just wants his money, I’m just saying my mother can be dressed in
a wedding dress or even lingerie dad didn’t give a damn. I never really liked
shopping unless it was for something that actually mattered. I can live with just
one pair of clothes really, Mma never understood that. Like every other day she
also bought me clothes. She didn’t understand that I do not do dresses. The last
time I wore one was 13 and that was only because it was necessary to wear a
dress as a part of school uniform.
After dinner we went to sleep and as always dad wasn’t there. Guy has been
cheating on my mother since the day they first met. She always forgave him. I
really don’t get this concept of love. I never received enough to give it to a
person. My parents were either arguing about one of them cheating or both of
them cheating or dad was too busy with work and mma was shopping or in dads
room with some ben 10 she met 5 hours ago and he sweet-talked her into her
purse and into her pants. I’m not even sure if my father is actually my father. My
family was dysfunctional in that way. Yet for some reason I still kind of like them.
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I have an older brother Nsizwayomuzi, he sure did live up to his name. You’ll find
him actually doing something that mattered rather than sitting around all day like
some of us, after all he was the next CEO of Zikhali Weaponries. He was the only
person I truly had a relationship with.
I also had a younger sister Lethuthando she was just a spoilt brat, a bit like me
sometimes. We didn’t talk and anyways I’m too old to be her friend. She was 14
and I was 20 the gap was too large to be mended.
Everything seemed fine until late that night when I heard screaming and when I
went downstairs I found someone dragging my mother and Lethu out of the
house. I had blank moments in my memory, I don’t remember much except me
running, the first gunshot that killed Lethu, post mortem said she was shot twice
but I couldn’t remember the second gunshot. I remember holding my father by
his collar and punching him after he refused to offer a ransom to the kidnappers
and when he refused to even look for my mother. There were a few flashes of me
running with a gun, then I was on in the building with my mother bleeding. That
was when I found them… all 4 of them, I marked all of them, I ran after each and
every one of them and made sure I marked all of them with an N it marks the
people who were involved in this kidnapping and murders. When I went back to
Mma, she was bleeding but she was still alive. Next thing I recall was the
ambulances everywhere. I don't think many people have experienced the pain of
watching your mother bleeding to death. I didn’t know that feeling, my mind had
kept it hidden from me, I sat hours thinking, trying to recall any last words from
my mother but all I got were the same flashes. I got headaches after I thought too
much about it but I didn’t tell Muzi about it, whenever he asked me about I simply
replied “I don’t remember.” I knew my mother died in my arms and not being
able to do anything about it lit a fire in me. Nobody messes with my family and
lives or my name is not Nhlalo-enhle Mabizela.
All I wanted was revenge.
After an hour or so on the plane it finally landed. From my first breathe I knew my
mission… it was revenge. Lethu had a whole life ahead of her, she was probably
going to be my maid if honour one day.
Just as I step out of the plane I get a call from my brother.
Muzi: Nhlalo kahle kalhle uright ekhanda!
He sounds angry or is it shocked?
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Me: sengenzeni?
Muzi: the old man is still alive and he wants you dead.
Like he can kill me.
Me: siyambongela phela, if he wants me dead then he’ll have to wait in line.
You won’t believe how many people want me dead!
Muzi: Nhlalo now is not the time to talk tuff. He is after you and he will kill you.
If he wanted to kill me he would have killed me 3 years ago when I crashed his
Koenigsegg.
Me: suqedile?
Muzi: where are you?
Me: currently at uShaka airport.
Muzi: South Africa! Nhlalo wenzani lapho?
Me: revenge.
I ended the call, uzongicefezela nje. I got an Uber and went to my hotel room.
What I knew is that I was looking for a Van Wyk. He was the only one who I
managed to get the name of. I’ve searched nearly everywhere it was like he didn’t
exist but my contacts at home affairs helped me, nobody can refuse money.
Nothing was special about that place except the culture. A night after my mothers
funeral I just got wasted at the first bar I saw. I’m not the type to walk in clubs and
expect to find love there. No, I’m that person who just ends up being the
bartender’s most attended customer, this place was a few paces away from the
hotel. I never really get drunk I can I remember everything. No matter how many
bottles of gin/brandy/tequila/just plain beer I drink, I remember most of what I do
although I can’t control my actions. I never mentioned I had short hair it’s easier
to handle. I got wasted and kicked out of the bar. Next morning I took a shower
and went to the gym, I might as well have a gym membership I was going to be
there for 3 months at the least. After the going to the gym I took a little road trip,
just travelling around.
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I was not much of an outside person but I thought I’d help myself to a little bit of
fresh air, I stopped in the middle of nowhere to just look at the grass. From
behind I heard a gun click. Don’t panic I told myself, I lifted both my hands up and
slowly turned around, I should’ve known. It was one of my father’s bounty
hunters. He held the gun to my head while handcuffing me with the other. I can’t
believe I had to do this.
Me: ubaba ulana?
He didn’t respond because of a stupid silence rule my father enforced. I could

only think of so many ways to get myself out of this situation. I’ve watched this
happen countless times, my father was a successful business man but the
foundation of his success is a large pool of blood and countless lives, I wasn’t
prepared to become one of them. He started pushing me into the bushes.
Me: Sifuno…
I had to pull out a cute face.

Me: before you take me to my father please hear me out, Sifuno.
Sifuno: wh… what is it?

He was breaking.
Me: I just thought before I die, I’d finally tell you how I feel.
Sifuno: go ahead.
Me: it probably doesn’t mean a lot to you I mean I’ve been meaning to tell you
this for months now but I was afraid of what my father would say. Sifunokuhle I
want you— I mean is it too late for us now.
He went silent, for sure I thought that would work. I had to take this to the next
level. So I tried doing one of my mother’s sexy walks.
Sifuno: yini manje?
Me: it’s my bra… it’s hurting me, could you help me I mean I’m handcuffed.
He was untying my shirt and I had my eyes staring into his soul. He was getting
nervous, when the moment was set I kissed him, I had to make him think that I
wanted him so bad… I stopped and did the whole embarrassed thing.
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Sifuno: why did you stop?
Me: ahm… we can’t do this… well at least while I’m still handcuffed.
I made the cute eyes and tilted my head a little. Imagine he actually untied me.
We carried on kissing for just two seconds and I already had him on the ground. In
just seconds I had him handcuffed.
Me: next time, tell dad, he should come to me himself and he should stop sending
his guards like the coward he is.
I left him tied up and on the ground, people can be such fools when it comes to
this love thing or they’re always looking for another orgasm. I made a stop at a
small town. I stopped for lunch also had to go to the toilet and of course fuel.
On my way out the toilet I bumped into this guy, people can’t just walk around
actually not looking where they’re going.
Me: nx! Buka ukuthi uhamba kuphi!

He came back stopping me from passing. He was tall, dark handsome. Ngiyadlala!
He was dark and just dark. He was taller than me but that was only because I’m
short. He’s got that thing about him, his clothes or is it his manner of handling
himself, I don’t know and I wasn’t interested in him in any way though.
Him: ngixolisa.
And he better be, I felt unforgiving at that moment.
Him: Sorry, cela igama lakho.
Me: ungenaphi kwigama lami?
Him: hawu kodwa sengikwone ngani? Usungi phoxa kangaka. Phela ngithi angisho
nje ukuthi hayi sisi umuhle, ngingakufanisa ne-ngelosi kodwa nazo azifiki kuwe.
Me: suqhedile.
Him: bengithi suvele wayithatha inhliziyo yami.
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Me: ungibona Mina ngidinga inhliziyo yakho, uthi ngiy’yenzeni ngoba nginayo
eyami.
Him: kodwa igama nje.
I wanted to leave and I didn’t want to pull out a gun and shoot him so I might as
well tell him my name.
Me: Nhlalo, cela ukuhambha.
Him: Mangi… Smanga… Smangaliso Mkhize

I was over going to the toilet, I turned around, got my take away and made my
way back to the car, where I found the same guy standing.
Smanga: cela I number phela.

I laughed a little, I was just looking for my pocket knife in my purse. When I finally
I did find it, I held it to his neck looking at him in the eyes.
Me: lalela la mawungasuki lana ngizokuhlapaza ubuchopho manje nje, nx.
Smanga: shona kona, Mina kuyangijabulisa nje ukuthi ngizobulalwa uwena.

He made me do it. I wasn’t going to kill him. I was just trying to get him out of my
way. Like any other person I was protecting myself so I had to do it. I don’t mean
slitting his throat then stepping on his head until I saw his brains smoosh threw
the cracked skull, I wasn’t that twisted, I have a wild imagination. I grabbed his
balls sunk my nails into them. He moved in an instant. Nx, he thought I was joking
with him. I got in my car and as I drove away he stood in front of the car and I
really didn’t mean to run him over. He was just there. I wasn’t going to get
arrested for his mistake of standing in front of the car. I dragged him into the boot
and drove away. Whoever saw that could’ve report me to the police it wasn’t my
car anyways and plus he wasn’t dead.
Along the way I stopped car this guy wouldn’t stop hitting the boot. He was
destroying my boot, he was busy trying to kick himself out of the boot I took him
out and nx lodothi lona.
Me: yini inkinga yakho!
Smanga: are you trying to kill me?
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Me: okay you know what I’m sorry you can go.
He struggled out of the boot and as he passed me I pulled him by his neck and he
fell on the ground.
Me: aggah!
I kicked him on the stomach and chest until he was coughing up blood. I don’t
know what his problem was. First of all he was the one who got in front of the car
and he was the one who was destroying the boot. Some people just deserve it. I
got back into the car and I took a little time to calm down, driving angry can be
deadly.
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Chapter 2
As I started the car I felt something sting me. When I started the car and
something was definitely wrong. My legs felt numb, I couldn’t move them no
matter how much I put my mind to it. Then my arms and legs became stiff. What
in the world was happening to me. In just a few seconds the car was out of
control. The last thing I saw was the bridge ahead and a large tree.
There was a blur when I opened my eyes. That’s when I realised that I was
blindfolded. I didn’t panic because that’s the first mistake most people do. I don’t
panic. What I could tell from the motion was that I was in a car.
Me: niyobani?
No answer, I was so angry I knew when I got out of these ropes I’d make these
bastards pay.
A voice: we’ve got a new one. She’s feisty I’m sure they’ll love her.
Me: yewena dothi! When I get out of here I will hunt you down and find you and
when I do find you then I will reach into your chest pull your heart out and I
promise you that I will reach into your nose and pull your brains out of your nose,
so let me go.
Them: shut up!
Me: angifuni!
Them: I’ve got a gun in my hand and I will shoot you!
Me: go ahead, shoot!

In a second I felt a impact on my face, figured it was a punch, I won’t lie it hurt
and I was hurting minutes after that but it’s against my pride to cry. I spit out the
blood and laughed.
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Me: phinda!
Voice 2: yabona lona, I want her first.
Voice 3: awunamali!
They a started laughing, I laughed with them too. By the way they stopped
laughing I knew they were disturbed.
Me: so you want ransom? Angeke uyithole, so save yourself time and let me go.
I said that with confidence, knowing that my father wouldn’t spend a dime on me.
I didn’t know what was happening until the blindfold was taken off of me. I was
sure I annoyed the crap out of these people I kept on talking, they even gagged
me. When the blindfold was taken off I found myself in a small room that had a
bed and a bucket next to it. The person was still closing the door and I ran to stop
them but by the time I got to the door it was already locked. I tried hitting the
door numerous times to get out. I realised that screaming wouldn't help me and I
shouldn't give them the joy of hearing me suffer so I got the in bed which was old,
dirty and smelled awful. When I woke up I laid on the bed looking straight up at
the dangling light on the ceiling. I was just thinking, if they thought bringing me
here and locking me up would bother me then they got the wrong girl. I looked at
the room all the details in the room. It was very small, there's only an old dirty
bucket next to the bed. The walls were stained with what I thought was blood and
some white stuff, I had no idea what it was, the light shined a dimed yellow. I
started imagining what would happen to me, if I would die before.. before I
succeeded in what I came there to do in the first place. These thought tired me
and I went to sleep again.
When I woke up my body felt tired and out of form. I was getting sick if that
room. I feel like the walls are getting smaller and I might be running out of air.
My stomach had been crying out for food for a whole hour. Time just seemed to
go slow there, the fact that there wasn’t a window in the room just meant I
couldn’t call out for help and I didn’t know if it was day or night time. I didn’t
understand why they'd kidnap me and just starve me to death. I had started
screaming, but stopped and tried to talk to them. "I'm hungry” I had been
repeating my words for hours I’d added a few swear words here and there. I felt
like I was going crazy and there's squeaky music playing at the back of my head. It
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was just making me angry to the point that at one stage I ended in hitting the
door so hard that I started bleeding when I bled I felt like I was alive, more alive
than dying from hunger and thirst. Then I heard the door unlocking and I stood up
just so I wouldn't look vulnerable in any way, even though my knees felt heavy.
I couldn't believe what I saw, I was being kidnapped by a thin guy who looks like
he had no idea of what he was doing, he looks round about my age if not younger.
He came in with a plate of food. I thought I’d quickly get out, before he locked the
door again but there was someone outside the door who locked it immediately
after he entered.
Him: sit down.

I wasn't going to obey his orders. He didn’t own me. I didn’t sit down, instead I
walked around the room, that stupid fool followed me around following me with
a spoon.
Me: I can feed myself, angisiyo ingane.

Still he kept on trying to feed me, it wasn’t like the food good, it actually looked
like disgusting mash of all sorts of things. He was starting to get to the bad side of
my anger. He kept on shoving the spoon into my mouth. To the point where I just
couldn't tame myself and I hit the spoon out of his hand and I attacked him, giving
him a few punches until he started bleeding, he kept on screaming for help until
they opened the door and 2 other older looking men held me back and tied me to
the bed after that they left. I started screaming again, I tried untying myself but
the knots were tight and my arms got tired and my wrists started to hurt.
I couldn't sleep like that and if I couldn’t sleep then I wasn't going to let them
sleep either. I scram all night until one of the people came in and gagged me. That
didn't stop me from making a noise and it wasn't difficult because the bed itself
was already loud. Finally they got fed up with me and untied me. If I annoyed
them enough then they'd surely just let my leave.
The next day I was so hungry. I scram again since it worked last time I assumed it
would work this time. One of the tough guys came in. I was nervous but I looked
him in the eye as he walked around the room.
Me: ngilambile.
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He laughed, I was dead serious.

Him: ucabanga ukuthi ungubani? What makes you think your so special that you
think you can eat?
Me: so do you intend on turning me into bones?
He chuckled before he laughed again. It was intimidating but I wasn't going to

show it. I stared him in the eyes. He just left he room. I thought he'd come back
but he didn't and my stomach growled and I thought my body was going into
starvation mode. I went to sleep to ignore my hunger. When I woke up I felt like I
was asleep for ages. I couldn’t tell the difference between day and night there
there's no clock or window. Those doors were hard steel there wasn’t anyway I
could’ve loosen them and get out of that room. I was basically stuck there until
those people felt like letting me go. For some reason I wasn't bothered by the fact
that I could die there, the only thing that really bothered me was the fact that I
wouldn't have done what I came there to do. So I had to get out of that place.
The next day I laid in bed because my body was just unable to do anything, I've
stopped feeling the hunger and my body is powerless. Someone came in, I didn't
even bother to turn my head and see who was. I heard their footsteps until I
could see him at the corner of my eye.
Me: you can kill me now.
Him: who said we want you dead?

He sat down and forced the first spoon of his disgusting pudding into my mouth.
He watched me chew then pulled me up to my feet.
He held my cheeks pulling me closer to his, he had his eyes closed. I wasn't
resisting, this didn’t mean I was putting my hands up and I'm surrendering. It
meant I’d stopped striking the eagle from one direction, I reached into his pocket
and got the key. He's the only one who got into the room with the key, if he
wasn't then I would have stolen it sooner and got out. When he noticed what I
was trying to do, he attempted to scream I pulled the sheet off the bed and
covered him with it. That gave me enough time to open the door. I ran out I
wasn't sure where I was running to but the fact that I got out of that room gave
me a great rush of euphoria. It was a dead end! When I turned around I bumped
into something that wasn't there before and fell, I felt light headed, I could feel
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my body being moved until I couldn't anymore and the voices turned into a
squeaky sound and everything became unclear until I closed my eyes.
I opened my eyes and my head was spinning, the last thing I remember was just
falling. I eventually realise that this wasn’t the same room the ceiling was
completely different. I raised my head to see a whole room of people I was still
too confused to establish if they were all female but most were. They were
looking at me. At that moment I heard screaming from what seemed to be
another room all the woman curled up in discomfort to the sound. I wanted to ask
what was going on but I thought it be rude if I did. I sat in a corner facing
everyone after looking around I was sure everyone in the room was female. Some
looked as old as my mother and some probably my age most looking emaciated…
but there was one girl who was sitting on the laps of this woman, the woman was
closing her ears as if she was trying to shield the girl from the screams on the
other side. The girl caught my eye because she looked so young probably 8. I
wondered what she was doing in a place like that. Then I got a fright when the
door slashed open and a girl was pushed into the room leading her to fall face
first onto the ground, she had scratches all over her body, she was crying. At that
moment I saw the woman closing the girls eyes, she was still trying to protect her,
I went on to assume she was her mother. Everybody else in the room surrounded
the girl who was on the floor. She was bruised all over her body. My mind began
to wonder what was really going on here. The fuss stopped when what I assumed
was a guard came in demanding silence and switched off the light. We were
expected to sleep on plain cement I couldn't sleep, so my mind went on and
started to wonder why that girl was screaming.
The next day, I saw more of what was happening there. Everybody in the room
left but I didn’t, the only people left was the small girl and I. The guard said "the
Boss has big plans for you." My mind started to think hard about what he meant.
Girl: hi.
Another reason she caught my eyes was the fact that she was albino. I looked into
her eyes they were just full of life, so unique. It was like she was able of overcome
her situation and find happiness here unlike the other people there they seemed
drained and almost lifeless.
Me: sawubona, what's your name?
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Girl: Nkosinolwazi but mama calls me Nolwazi and yours?
Me: Nhlalo, how old are you?
Girl: 10, I'm supposed to be in grade 5 this year.

She honestly looked 8 in my eyes.
Me: is that woman your mother?

She nodded her head.
Me: how long have you been here?
Nkosinolwazi: 10 months.
This made me wonder how long I was going to be here. We talked for the whole
day and she really reminded me of Lethu. Just like Lethu she wanted to be a
Docter and I don't know how the topic started but she did not want to be
anyone's wife, which reminded me of Lethu when she didn't cook and Mma tried
to teach her she'd just scream and say she wasn't going to getting married if it
meant she had to cook. Thinking about it, Lethu was exactly like me, I don't know
how to cook and I also used the same excuse. Is it normal to feel so much guilt,
feeling like you could have done more with the time you had.
Eventually everybody came back and the whole day we hadn't received food, I
tried not to think about it much to ignore my hunger. When they finally gave us
food it was a large dish with spinach and an even larger dish with pap. When I saw
the food and how everybody was fighting over it, I lost my apatite. Nolwazi came
to me with a handful of food of course I accepted it and she went so the other
side of the room to feed her mother who was sitting in the corner looking tired
and after that the food almost instantly disappeared, the guard just like yesterday
switched off the light. Again I couldn't sleep, but in the middle of the night I
started forgetting that I was on cement and I went to sleep.
Next couple of days I saw almost 10 more woman enter the room. All different in
culture, race or ethnic group it just makes you realise that what was happening
there could happen to anyone.
18
Everyday that passed the guard told me the same thing over and over again,"the
boss has big plans for you" and he locked me and Nolwazi in. I eventually realised
that the was some kind of prostitution ring, during day everybody left and at night
certain individuals were called out. I felt that there was somewhat growing hate
for me amongst the other woman because I wasn't being called out or I didn't
even leave. I didn't want to be hated but they didn't know the relief I had when
the guards just pass me and pick other people rather than me, call it throwing
somebody else under the bus but trying to survive was the only thing I was
thinking about.
It was night and a guard had just came in to switch the lights off. During all the
other days my body had gotten used to that harsh floor and I’d learnt to sleep but
that night I couldn't sleep. Everybody else was asleep but I couldn't sleep because
of the vague screams I was hearing and there was someone who kept on
coughing.
The night went by and the coughing was getting worse. I only seemed alarmed
when I thought I heard the person who was coughing vomiting and after that she
whispered "oh no" to herself. So, thought I would actually see what was going on
because this person sounded like she was dying. When I finally got to her, which
was difficult because the room was totally dark and I couldn't see anything. She
held my hand before I could actually find her, she held it tightly as if she was
grasping for her life.
She took a few breathes and muttered softly, “call the guard"
Before I could she pulled me back again this time holding me closer to her.
Me: you'll be fine, just let go so I can call the guard.
Her: no, I'm dying, just promise me something.

She was basically on her last breathe when she murmured, “please protect my
child." At that moment her grip got less tighter.
I woke up the person next to her, I couldn’t handle having another person dying in
my hands. I was screaming so much that eventually everybody was up and I was
panicking so much, this reminded of how I held my mother when she was
bleeding to her death and the way she looked at me. She wanted to say
something to me but she was unable to. The guard came in and switched on the
light. The woman had blood coming out of her mouth, her eyes grew lifeless but
19
they were still looking at me. That was when Nolwazi started crying. The guards
wrapped her in a black plastic and dragged her out. Nolwazi was still crying, she's
like the little girl inside me that wanted to scream and cry like her when my
mother died. I sat with her the whole night as she cried, everybody else went to
sleep like this always happened maybe they’d grown immune to the cries.
The next day I felt sorry for Nolwazi, so I allowed her to sleep on my lap.
Everybody left and the 'so called guard' instead of saying "the boss has big plans
for you", he said, "your day is coming." Which made me grow nervous thinking
about it, if I was going to be next.
Nolwazi(in a small voice): Nhlalo...
Me: mmh...
Nolwazi: do you have a mother?
Me: no, well I know she cared about me and she didn't mean to die, just like your
mother didn't mean to leave you here.
Nolwazi: I miss my sister.
Me: you have a sister, lucky you.
Nolwazi: I have 3 sisters and 4 brothers back at home and Baba waiting for me
and me to come back home.
We ended up talking all day about our mother's, until all the woman came back
looking exhausted, the room turned to a smoking pub when most of them took
out a cigarette and started smoking. Some weren’t just smoking they were
sniffing things and injecting themselves with powders and liquids.
The 'so called guard' came in before we even received food, he walked around
the room several times as he did everybody looked at him with fear as if he was
about to unleash fire in their faces. He stopped in front of me, looking down at
Nolwazi. He held her hand and pulled her up, I was still holding on to her other
hand.
Him: mdedele.
20
Nolwazi: Nhlalo ngisize!
Me: akayi ndawo.

Everybody in the room started hauling at the guard, while most were telling me to
let Nolwazi go actually they were all hauling at me. I was fed up of this pack
mentality they had. I let go of Nolwazi.
Me: ninjani nje kanti, just because you've experienced pain doesn't mean that she
should go threw it too. Just because you've all been hurt do you want this poor
child to go threw that? For goodness sake she just lost her mother she won't be
able to cope. Maybe you can handle it but she can't.
They all had their heads down and Nolwazi was being pulled away.
Me: when are you going to take action? Sisi please tell me what's stopping you
from fighting these bullies? There's only that many of them but here, there are
much more of us, too many of us, they can't fight us off of we stand as one. We
aren't just helpless woman, we are imbokodo bathinta thina they'll see something
worse than hell and that's the power of a woman, because nobody can keep us in
their control forever. We are getting out of here now, that's if we stop being
separated and become one.
Cebisile stood up and started clapping her hands slowly in the same pace walking
closer to me until she got really close, face to face
Cebile: oh please, why should we listen to you when you haven't gone threw what
we have. Do you think you're the first person to think of that? I bet you think
you're something special, just because you don't have any mental scars yet. Do
you really think that you're the first person to start a rebellion? You're not special
and girls like you have the hardest time here. I suggest you better shut your
mouth now before you face consequences.
Me: Yini inkinga? Is it that you think you're better? You think you've gone threw
so much pain that everybody else deserves to go threw the same thing? So you
think you're the only one who has an opinion here and you want to stop us from
getting out of here so we can all feel this so call mental pain of yours?
21
She pulled me by my shirt I was getting closer to her ear when she whispered, “I
was just warning because I was just like you once.”
The tension was rising and she was getting on my nerves, she clicked her tongue
and I threw the first punch, nx ungijwayela kabi lona! It quickly became a brawl
with me on top of her just releasing my frustration, I didn't feel her hitting me but
I saw a few fists coming up to my face. I was pulled away by some people by that
time she already had a nose bleed and a blue eye. She kept screaming “I warned
you!”, as I was force out of the room.
Me: yey machomen! I can walk by myself!

They let go, I fixed my shirt and carried on walking. The building or house was
totally different to the dumpy room I came from. It was nothing compared to that
room. As I walk down the stairs I see Nolwazi. I worried less because she was
okay. There were so many guards there, most with guns, most of them were
surrounding a chair in the middle of the room. As if it were in a movie in the scene
where a villain appears the chair slowly turned revealing a man in a black suit
holding a cigar, kind of like the ones my father smoked. The only way to describe
him was villainous, the only thing that was missing was a moustache.
Him: so you're the rebel.

I stood next to Nolwazi and held her hand. He started laughing and walked up to
us. He looked at Nolwazi with leering intentions, I pulled her away and she stood
behind me. We had a stare off, the emptiness in his eyes was scary, but the
flames in my eyes also scared him.
Him: I see you don't know who I am yet, Arnold Siseko Bhengu won't take your
bitchy drama, I'm still being nice, give me the girl.
Me: cha.
He tried pulling her from behind me and I slapped him, before I could take the
glory of slapping that idiot, he slapped me back.
Him: take this bitch out of my sight, nx.
I was pulled away by the guards and put into a small room. Then I heard Nolwazi
scream, I realised that at one of the corners there was a small whole on the dirty
22
cement floors, threw that whole I could see a bed, it had black sheets, the room
looked really dark... kind of scary. Then I saw Nolwazi being tossed onto the bed.
For some reason I thought of my sister and what I'd do if this were to happen to
her. The thought of it had me in terror I saw a belt being thrown on the bed and
Nolwazi trying to protect herself with the silk sheets.
Me: Siseko! I swear if you do anything to her I'll step on your head and I'll squeez
your brains out of your ears, you hear me!... Siseko I’m warning you!
I kept on rambling threats but as he forced her clothes off laughing at my threats,
I realised the threats weren’t doing any good, I got desperate, started to look for a
way to get out of that rat whole and to help Nolwazi. The poor child was begging
Siseko to stop, I tried breaking down the door of the room until my arm felt
numb, in a rush I pulled the door knob and it fell off. Nolwazi kept on screaming
when I looked back down that bastard was holding and touching her all over.
Nolwazi's screams got to me.
Me: okay! Siseko why do this to her when you can do it to me... I won't fight. She
doesn't even have the body you deserve, you can do anything to me, you can fulfil
your wildest imagination on my body.
Every single word I had said felt like a bullet to my chest. He stopped and told the
guards to take Nolwazi back to that slump of a room. Before I got out of that small
room I was showered by a large amount of water. When I got to that room, it had
black walls too, Siseko was sitting on the bed smoking a cigar while taking off his
pants.
Siseko: a glass of wine might help you with the nerves.

I looked at him with a blank face, preparing myself for whatever he was going to
do, I wanted it to be over already, he looked at me with the worst intentions.
Me: you can start now.

I started unbuttoning my shirt. He stopped me and unbuttoned it himself. While
whispering “my precious diamond” He forced his weight on me, while I tried to
brace myself for whatever I've got myself into. Before I knew it I was cuffed to the
bed and my legs tied on either side of the bed. After I tried putting up a fight to
keep my legs together, he continued by playing with my bra. As if that wasn't
enough he gagged me. Which just made me wonder exactly how twisted this man
was. He was old enough to be my father, did he even have children? If he had a
23
children— if he had a daughter he wouldn’t be doing this, no father would even

do this to somebody else's daughter.
He had a glass full of ice in his hand, what the fuck was going on in this man's
head? I was relying on my brain to somehow block out what was happening. He
touched my whole body with the glass, from caressing my nipples to rubbing it
on my clitoris. While he doing that I was in my head trying to force my brain to
not respond to what was happening, when the ice had melted he slowly poured
the water all over my body I was trying to force my body not to react the way it
should. I had too many morals to allow myself to gain pleasure from this.
Somehow it worked my body had just gone numb, I stopped trying to not let him
do what he wanted he just did it but the truth is that I didn't feel anything
anymore. He did things, some that I can't find the words to describe and some
that my mind has locked in the deepest part of my mind because thinking about
them tore me apart. He finished of with touching me all over, looking at me from
all types of angles. There has never been someone I want to strangle to death in
my whole life, more than this man. He covered my body with a towel, while he
was smiling and sniffing a white powder next to the bed.
How could one human being have grown to be so disgusting that he'd do this to
me or anyone, I'm sure it wasn’t just me. That pervert was so disgusting, a few
hours before I thought nothing could break my spirit, in fact all my life that's what
I thought. My whole childhood was based on me growing up into someone who
could protect me and that I'd never adhere to anybody else's force. I felt like my
whole purpose was gone.
Siseko: I loved that, but you still have to pay for slapping me.
Me: fuck you!

He walked away and came back with a knife, I tried even harder to get out of the
handcuffs after realising he might stab me and stash my body in a small whole in
the middle of nowhere.
Siseko: you know what we used to do in the old days when there was a woman
like you in the community? I remember very well what we'd do.
He held my face and put the knife on my cheek.
Siseko: we used to mark her so everyone would know that she was whore.
24
As he was about to move the knife to make the mark he was talking about I
moved my face, I wasn't sure if it had done anything until there was blood
entering my eye. He untied me and left. I was left to figure out why there was
blood in my eye. Without a mirror I tried to navigate if I had a scratch or not,
using my hands to touch it. It wasn't that bad, I assumed it would heal and
disappear, it started at the top of my eyebrow and ended under my eye, he nearly
stabbed my eye out. That man was cereal pervert, he acted like he came from
pack of wolves but he had a mother too so how can he do this to another woman.
I remember my girly friends talking about fairy tales, the way they described it, it
was a perfect image of men embracing and worshipping the existence of a
woman because without her he wouldn't be, but this is reality. I slightly touched
myself to see if this was really me, to see if I was the person who was bleeding,
naked on that bed. I couldn’t believe it, it really was me, Nhlalo.
I wanted to wash myself, scrub every last bit of Siseko out of me. I ran the bath
water in the bathroom. I got in, the water became a reddish, I had blood coming
from my back all the way around my chest. I fail to recall what happened that
caused wounds, but the whip next to the bed gave me an idea of what happened.
With all the wounds I couldn’t feel anything. I had a razor in my hand, I don’t
know where I took it but I used it. I wanted to feel the pain. The razor broke
though my skin. I laid back, feeling the blood run down my wrist. My whole body
was underneath water. I didn’t try holding my breathe. A flash to my past, scared
me out of the water, realising I was going to kill myself. That was when the pain
kicked in. I could feel it all, the blood from wounds from my inner thighs, the scar
on my face and the whip marks on my body.
I looked over the bed and there were two lines of the white powder left. I wasn’t
thinking when I took the first sniff, I just wanted to rid of the pain. I drank the
whole bottle of wine and when the guards came to take me I took the pack of
white stuff that was left on the table.
When I got back to that room and I told myself I wouldn't show my pain to Cebile,
because compared to her I wasn't going to go around telling people what I went
threw and want them to go threw the same. I wouldn't wish this to happen to
anyone ever. I wanted to cry but that would’ve only shown weakness and
vulnerability. If I cried with tears from my eyes then it would’ve been like I
25
surrendering to that animal, so the blood running down my cheeks became my

tears. When I came back into the room, they all looked at me as if they were
expecting something from me. I went back and sat down. They wanted to pity me
and act like they cared I wasn't going to give them that amusement.
Nolwazi: Ngiyabonga.
At least I did something good for someone.
Cebile: I warned you.

I clicked my tongue and luckily they turned off the lights. I couldn't sleep all night
thinking of how cruel people could be. It was like my mind was stuck back at that
time, it kept on repeating. I wanted to get high. I wanted to get so high that I
would forget and I wouldn’t have to hear or see any of these woman fake pity me.
I felt frozen in time, maybe days went by or weeks, the woman left and came
back, I didn’t eat. I couldn’t eat because all of could taste was the bitter taste of
his crusty lips. I had the pack of white stuff with me but it didn’t heal anything, I
couldn’t forget anything I was a living ghost. I was taken out of that room, I
somehow managed to carry myself as if nothing was wrong even though it felt
like I was dying inside.
Again Siseko was sitting on his chair smoking a cigar, I felt shivers down my spine.
If I had the chance I'd kill this man and I'd do it in the most painful way so he'd die
regretting ever knowing me. The guards held me by the arms, trying to hold me
back.
Siseko: my precious diamond, I've got a job for you.
Me: sawubona nawe, abak'fundisanga lutho Kini?
Siseko: masosha niyabona ke lona, she's the kind of woman I love.
Me: you like to talk big, too bad you and your genitals don't speak the same
language.
He nearly choked on his smoke before pushing the cigar end on my chest, feeling
my skin burn made me feel alive. I was forced into a small room that had a black
jumpsuit which was hung on a hanger on the other side of the room.
26
Siseko: my precious diamond, wear that and we’ll have a good night together.
Me: Siseko what makes you think I’ll wear this.
Siseko: a lot of men would pay a lot of money to get their hands on a particular
young, untouched girl.
I put on the dress without a second thought and came out of the room with
Siseko waiting for me in his Rolls Royce. I got in, the car left, knowing Nolwazi was
fine for another day. The cars windows were dimmed to such an extreme that I
couldn’t see where the car going, it eventually stopped, Siseko lit his cigar while
he leered.
Siseko: just smile and look pretty, if you try to run, you’ll be shot dead before you
get to the door and I’ll sell that little girl you love so much.
The door was opened, Siseko got out first, I followed him into a dark building,
behind me were two guards with their guns held up. I assumed he was taking me
to another location where he kept woman. I followed him until he got to a deep
ends of the building, I was starting to think he was going to kill me, so I should do
it first. I turned around quickly taking the guards gun shooting both of them they
dropped to the floor, quickly turning around to see Siseko with both his hands in
the air, moving away, slowly.
Siseko: you don’t want to do this.

I could hear footsteps behind me, I wasn’t going to go out this way. In seconds I
had the gun on Siseko's temple.
Me: if you step any closer I will shoot him!

Siseko was begging them not to come closer, I was finally going to get out of his
clutches, myself and Nolwazi. I felt something hard pressing on my neck.
Voice: drop the gun… or shoot him, you’ll end up on the floor with him.
I should’ve ran when I had everyone under my power, I lowered the gun to the
floor, held my hands up and turned my head to see a woman holding a gun to my
heard. she looked old enough to be my mother, with red lipstick on and a kinky
80’s hairstyle.
27
Her: tame your cats, Siseko! You two! Why are you just standing there? I want
you to search her and follow her everywhere she goes.
I was pushed against the wall to be searched. When they were satisfied with their
search, I followed Siseko into a large room that looked nothing like the rest of the
building. There were waiters walking around with glasses full of champagne, there
were a few eyes on me, mostly woman, they looked jealous and afraid. There
were men all in suits drinking champagne and whiskey. If Siseko wasn’t going to
kill me and he also wasn’t taking me to another building, the men in suits and
woman in short dresses walking around didn’t make sense to me. I pieced it
together, it was some sort of prostitution party for the elite.
The guards were following me around not letting me out of their sight. I wanted
to get my own time alone, so I went to the bathroom, they were still following
me.
Me: I need to take a shit, are you going to follow me into the toilet?
They stood outside, I sat on the toilet and took a few deep breaths calming the
frustration in me, the pain of knowing I was so close to getting out pained. I got
out of the toilet and washed my hands, there was a woman applying lipstick on,
she gave me the same look as the other women.
Her: if this were a competition then you’d be winning.
Me: excuse me?
Her: You must be new, you’re still so full and those wolves love the thick ones.
Me: what’s the point of you telling me this?
Her: I want you to disappear when the people leave.
Me: why should I?
Her: just do it for me and every other unwilling women here, if you don’t then the
wolves won’t buy us and when they don’t buy we get punished for being
unattractive.
28
Me: what? Really?

She took out a small packet from her bra, it had coke in it. I was desperate for it, I
grabbed it from her and started sniffing it.
Her: just disappear.

She left and when I got out of the bathroom, there was a huge noise, with people
shouting. There was a woman on stage, holding a bag, a man was shouting out
numbers, he was shouting out “we got R250 000” the men in suits including
Siseko were all seated with a woman standing next to them. One of them scram
out, “R300 000.” It was a bid, it was either they were selling the woman or
whatever was in the bag. The woman or bag was eventually sold for R550 000.
The woman who had me at gunpoint was sitting at one end of the table, as if she
were supervising all the bid. After three more rounds the bid ended and the
underground elite were back to drinking their drinks and leering over the women.
The woman who had me at gunpoint stood up, the whispering stopped.
Woman: Associates! As we can all see my son couldn’t attend this evening but I
hope you all enjoy your drinks and your packages will be sent to you tomorrow…
after all you did pay for them.
I was sure she meant woman that were kidnapped just like me. The coke was
starting to work but I had not forgotten why I it was given to me, I went to the
bathroom again, the guards stood outside waiting for me. Everybody was leaving
and like promised I disappeared.
When I came out of the bathroom Siseko was standing waiting for me, he
violently grabbed my butt pulling me closer to kiss me. I pushed him away and
clicked my tongue, waiting for him to take me back to Nolwazi.
Siseko: uchinga ukuba uyisqenenqe, you thought you wouldn’t be sold if you run
away. (tongue click) bring him in.
When he came in it was like an earthquake, he came in and it felt like it was a
joke. He was fat! He looked like an inflated balloon.
Siseko stood in front of me, violently grabbed my butt, I took a deep breathe
holding myself back for Nolwazi. I pushed him away, but he pulled me back to him
and burnt the Cigar end onto my shoulder. I couldn’t feel it but I smelt my skin
burn, I didn’t realise it but I had given up fighting to get escape, I wasn’t Nhlalo
29
anymore, because if I was then I would have made a plan and I wouldn’t let that
happen to me.
Siseko: this is Gerald and Gerald she’s my precious diamond, I suggest you be a
good girl because he’s paying a lot for you and if you try anything I’ll make sure to
go the whole night with your dearest young one. Make her a woman.
He pushed me towards Gerald and Gerald… well his greasy checks lifted and he
smiled. I got into Gerald’s car without fighting, because I knew what I was doing
was for my sister.
On my way there I started thinking if I passed out then I wouldn't feel anything.
Gerald kept trying to come onto me. He touched my thighs and kept massaging
my shoulders. It was like my whole life was coming up to this moment and I was
failing to see a way out, not only for me, but for every woman in that building. For
the first time in my life I had to bow my head in embarrassment when I passed
the reception area at the hotel, I felt my pride had died. The hotel room was fine,
but I was sure the only thing Gerald was looking at was looking at was the bed.
There was wine on the table which was in the middle of the room, Gerald handed
me a glass full of it.
Gerald: I'm not going to hurt you.

He started touching my thighs again, I stood up and went to the bathroom. I
looked over to the mirror, I had no idea the scar was so noticeable and I had lost
myself, heart striking pain came back again, along with that pain a thirst of coke
arose, I wanted to numb either the pain or myself. I came back out and Gerald
was just begging for it, his eyes were drooling with lust, he was desperate. Slowly
I unzipped the jumpsuit before taking it off I stopped.
Me: before we start… I want cocaine before you can even start touching me.
Gerald: shit, come on I paid for you and I’ll get what I paid for.
Me: Gerald you can either give me what I want and I won’t give you any trouble
or you can try chasing me around this room! I want coke now!
Gerald: ok, I don’t have it here but I have pills, they werk beter as coke, just take
the dress off.
30
Me: no. Pills first.

He rolled himself to the other side of the bed and took out a container of pills and
gave them to me.
Me: how many?
Gerald: drie in mean three.

I took 4 instead, the drooling dog waited in bed when I came back into the room
he was facing the other way around, I saw his hairy ass in an attempt to look away
I knocked over the vase he turned around, he was moaning while he was roughly
giving himself a hand job. I didn’t get a chance to vomit because suddenly felt
lightheaded. Until I felt like I was asleep but with my eyes open, what the fuck
was going on? I couldn't even move. The last thing I remember was something
heavy on me and it all went blank.
When I opened my eyes I started to think that maybe I passed out and or I nearly
died because of Gerald's stomach being on top of me just squeezing all the air out
of my lungs. My chest felt tight, breathing was a challenge. How I got under him I
failed to realise. I managed to get out of those layers of fat. When I looked back at
him my body cringed because of the thoughts of him doing the most disgusting
things to me. I wasn’t sure if I could do this anymore, I touched myself all over just
to believe that this was me, Nhlalo who was half naked, scarred almost
everywhere and I even had a blue-eye but if that was what it took to not see
Nolwazi go threw that then I was willing to do it over and over again. She was just
like my sister and if I kept her safe then it just feel like I was protecting Lethu but I
was also angry that I couldn't protect Lethu the way I was protecting Nolwazi, it
made me feel like a failure of a sister. The thought of protecting my sister lit a
candle of hope in me. I just needed to start using my head.
I looked around and there was only one door out, I didn’t know where the key
was and I tried going out of the window before realising then I’d be dead by the
time I got the floor. People make it look so easy to pick a lock with a hairpin, it’s
impossible! I gave up but then I thought creepy Gerald would hide the key in an
obvious place. I started searching for it and I found it in the most obvious place, I
found it in the inside pocket of his blazer. I opened the door, I got out of that
hotel room and I got to a chance to listen to my body, I realised I was in pain,
31
everything hurt, my back felt broken and so did everything else, except my spirit. I
rushed back inside took the packet of pills and left Gerald asleep and naked. I
wasn’t going to ever wear that skimpy jumpsuit again, I wore Gerald xxxxlarge suit
instead.
I walked threw the reception area wearing pants that are 10 times bigger than me
and a extra large blazer. I felt embarrassed because I wouldn't even recognise
myself now if the me of 4 weeks ago saw me. I also felt anger because while
walking threw the reception area all the eyes were on me. I could imagine that
they were judging me, nodding their heads and whispering comments to each
other. None of them even dared to approach me and ask if there was something
wrong. What has happened to us, I realised more than before that money makes
the world go round. People tend to care more about their bank accounts than the
interests of other people and at the expense of other people.
I stepped outside and never in my life had I ever enjoyed a fresh breathe of air. I
forgot how refreshing it was to hear and see cars running their engines
everywhere, the sun had never kissed my skin in this way, it all felt precious all
the little things seemed more lively, the liveliness of the place gave my fire oxygen
to burn again. I saw Siseko's car coming then I realised how easy the answer was.
I got in the car and let it start till we could get out of people's eyes.
Siseko: who said you can take those or are they a souvenir from your client?
I just looked at him. I was still figuring out what to do because if I messed it up
then I could die.
Siseko: come closer my precious diamond.

He pulled my face towards his crusty wrinkled face.
Me(whispering): zibambe, or just get your guard out of here at least.

I pulled away and he fixed his tie while clearing his throat.
Siseko: wePhakade awuye uyobheka umshayeli ngale.

Siseko was such a pervert but I realised most of these men were sex hungry dogs.
The guard went to sit in the passenger seat and we were left alone in the back. He
started taking off his tie and hooking it around my neck. He went to my ears
continuously biting them while I was busy untying the tie from my neck. One of
32
his hands were holding my breast and painfully squeezing my nipple and it was
getting tempting my anger. He forced his whole body weight on my shoulders
almost rendering me helpless. When both his hands were finally at one place at
one time I tied them together with his tie, pushed him to the other side of the car,
demonstrating that I wasn’t weak neither was any other woman when I punched
him across the face and held him down.
I stopped being helpless and letting him do as he pleased, in all those days I
thought I couldn't do anything that was over now, at that moment I was fighting
back. This wasn't only just Nhlalo's strength that awoke in me, it was Nolwazi and
her mother's and each and every other woman in that building that shed even a
single tear. Siseko pushed me off him and had me under him.
Siseko: little girl I’m stronger than you!
He strangled me, pressing hard on my neck, in a last attempt to grasp for life I
reached for the wine bottle, it felt impossible but in my last breathe I reached it!
breaking it on his head and stabbing him. He fell off me and I got to grasp for air
before I turned my attention back to Siseko, the bottle had only left a flesh wound
on his shoulder, he thought he could kill me I pressed my foot against his neck still
he thought he was stronger, he tried wrestling his way out of the hold but when I
pressed on a specific spot above his left shoulder, he was out immediately. I
learnt that from my self-protection classes, I hate the fact that most woman
expect men to protect them and keep them safe but yet again it's the same
people we expect to protect us that we need protection from. For a man like him,
I knew one thing for a fact, he had either multiple guns or even a gun in that car.
It didn't take long for me to find it. I opened the window between the driver and
the back of the car. I hit the guard with the gun and he fell slanting towards the
window. I held the gun up pushing it against on the head of he driver. He started
to panic and at one point nearly lost control of the car.
Me: calm down, just pullover here.

With shaky hands he did. From his fear I could tell he wasn't used to this type of
thing and he wouldn't have been in my way so it wouldn't make a difference if he
was conscious or not. By the time I had gotten out of he car he was out already
and he was on his knees praying. I dragged the guard out of he car onto the side
of the road, he was heavy and out cold imagine carrying nearly 50 kg muscles and
add the weight of everything else. It wasn't really 50 kg muscles it just felt like it. I
33
dragged Siseko, struggled him into the boot and locked it. I still needed to think
what I was going to do to him but a painful death was the only thing that suited
him.
I started the car leaving the praying driver in the middle of he road. I was driving
away with almost no plan. I didn't think that I would actually get this far. I needed
diesel and matches but I didn’t even know where I was going. I stopped the car in
the middle of the road. I opened the boot quickly cocking the gun to Siseko's face.
It was really difficult moving around in these extra large clothes. Siseko was
starting to wake up, I got him out of the boot, he leaned on the car because he
was still fully coming back to reality I wasn't worried about him because his hands
were still tied with the tie. II was not sure what else to do. I tried to keep my head
up because my head felt so heavy, I hadn’t eaten all day, Siseko jumped on me
and held both my hands and pinned me down, then hooking my neck around his
arm pulling it further back with the intention of strangling me.
Siseko: you think you can run away from me! Bitch I'm not just anyone I'm Arnold
Siseko Bhengu, ungadlaleli koNgcolosi.
He started laughing as I was running out of air, my eyes were filled with tears and
I could feel my blood rushing up to my head. As a last attempt to get free after I
tried biting him and stomping his foot. I pulled the trigger, I wasn't sure where the
gun was pointing but I pulled the trigger just hoping it would hit him. He let go
and I fell on my knees feeling weakened while coughing air back into my lungs. I
couldn't believe that I almost died. I looked over my shoulder to see Siseko also
on his knees and there was blood coming from his left foot.
Siseko: you bitch!

I attacked him clawing my hands onto his neck and he fell on the ground fully. I
grabbed the tie curled it around his neck and pulled it. His eyes became larger so
large as if they were about to explode. He struggled for air and I pulled harder,
laughing just like he had.
Me: tell me where the other girls are.

I was sure at this moment Siseko saw the extent of the fire called a woman and
how much this fire burns when tempted. He told me the location. I stopped
strangling him I didn’t want to die that easily, just like the guard, I hit him on the
head and put him back in the boot and started the car. I stopped by a petrol
34
station I couldn't believe that I could see the building where the other girls were
at the far end of the street nobody ever wondered what that building was just
doing there. People are so engulfed in their own lives that they didn’t wonder for
even a second about serious matters like these. I got inside the shop to buy
matches while the petrol station assistant was loading petrol into a 5l bottle.
After purchasing the matches with Siseko's money, I was ready to go burn down
that building with him in it. That's when I saw the black Rolls-Royce leaving the
station. Shit! I shouldn’t’ve left the keys in the car, it drove the away from the
building. If Siseko was running away then he was only saving himself, that little
business of his was shutting down. I took the bottle of petrol and ran to the
building. Smiling for a moment realising that Nolwazi will finally get to see all 7 of
her other siblings.
When I got there, I had the matches in the pocket of the blazer, the bottle of
diesel in my one hand and in the other the gun. I got there when all the guards
weren't expecting me.
Me: put your guns down!
They looked at me with disbelief as if they didn't believe that this day would
come. They thought I was joking.
One of the guards: nisabani? We've have more guns that her. Dubulani Lenja le!
His boss taught him to just to be like him. I pointed the gun towards him and I
shot his shoulder and I heard the rest of the guns drop along with that guard
screaming. In my other hand I was intentionally leaking diesel on the floor. I
instructed one guard to go threw the passages spilling the diesel on the floor and
a few of he guards left to go get each and every person held captive in that
building and the number of people that came down were horrifying. It wasn't only
the 48 of us in that small room, there were hundreds of woman and children
there. Everybody was still coming down when one of the guards that was coming
down lit a match and that fire started. It was like a herd of wild cows being
released from a kraal— it was kayos. Everybody was just running out knocking
other people over I was calling out for Nolwazi. I stood in the midst of the fire
calling out for Nolwazi I wasn’t finding her then I felt someone holding my hand it
was her, she seemed to be pulling me out. Thank goodness I found Nolwazi.
35
With the crowd of woman running out, I don’t know why but something just said I
should turn my head and look at that God forbidden room, I felt great content to
see it burn into ashes, that room was nothing but a horror for every one of us.
While running out I noticed that Nolwazi wasn’t holding my hand any more. I had
a bit of a panic and I started screaming out for her. That’s when I heard her kind
of lightly screaming from the inside of the building. I couldn’t leave her there so I
held my breathe and I ran back inside to get her. The smoke was thickening and
to some extent I was loosing my senses… feeling light headed… it was getting so
much more difficult to breathe and my lungs were suffocating along with me. I
somehow managed to get to Nolwazi but slowly as we made our way back
everything became a blur and it became darker and darker, I could hear Nolwazi's
voice calling out for me...
I open my eyes and I was surrounded by the girls. I was a little confused and
worried. Why were they looking at me like I was their saviour, I wasn’t but it felt
like a great burden of responsibility was lifted from my shoulders. Nolwazi hugged
me, she was in tears.
Nolwazi: ngiyakuthanda (followed by a sniff as she wiped her tears off)
Then everybody else followed I’m not much of a hugger and especially if they’re
squeezing the little air I had out of me, I didn't know what to do with myself
because everybody was crying. Almost all of the girls told me they love me and I
had no idea what I should’ve done or said as a response in those situations. I
scarcely throw around words like “I love you”. Leading me to have no clue what to
say in response if somebody says it to me, I nearly said, “and a happy new year.”
Before I knew it there were bright blue and red lights around us it was fire trucks,
police car. I'm sure we were all euphoric and when we saw the police handcuffing
the guards as a clear enough sign that it was all over now. The ambulances arrived
and many of the girls were taken to hospitals to check if they were fine. I was in
an ambulance with Nolwazi by my side. It wasn’t that much smoke, as I was about
to exit the ambulance I just lost my strength and everything turned dark.
36
Chapter 3
Before I open my eyes I heard crying. I feel someone holding my hand when I do
open my eyes it was Nolwazi.
Me: we did it.
Nolwazi: no, aunt Nhlalo (she held my hand even harder) …you did it.
I did it. I kept my promise. I stayed true to my word. Not only for myself but for
Nolwazi and every other female that was kept in that psycho’s house. I was in a
hospital room when a doctor came in asking if we could speak in private, Nolwazi
left the room.
Doctor: how are you feeling?
Me: better, is something wrong?
Doctor: luckily your reports came back as clear for any diseases and the smoke
didn’t have any damage on your lungs, but we found cocaine in your bloodstream
and a sedative.
Me: Uhm, I have to get Nolwazi back to her family then I’ll go to rehab if need it.
Doctor: Nolwazi, she’s not your relative?
Me: no but I’m currently her guardian. What? What’s wrong with her? Is she fine?
Doctor: I’d prefer to tell her family but since you’re her guardian, Nolwazi has a
tumor in her heart, it’s small but it’s likely to grow.
Me: fix it! You’re a doctor this is what your supposed to do. I’ll pay for the
treatment just don’t let her die.
Doctor: she can get a surgery to replace the damaged tissue but that doesn’t
guarantee anything, the best chance she has is she gets a heart transplant.
37
The doctor left me feeling shattered, Nolwazi was dying and she didn’t even
know it, she came back into the room with a lively smile. I couldn’t stop but to
think about how her smile was so deceiving.
I followed him out land stopped him.

Me: well do the surgery then!
Doctor: we’ll need one of her legal parents or legal guardian to sign the papers
before we perform the surgery.
I still felt tired but I wanted to get Nolwazi to her father as soon as possible, so we
left the hospital, the nurses didn't mind it was two less patients.
We had been walking around and we’d taken 4 taxi’s already I was not sure
Nolwazi knew where she was going.
Nolwazi: SESIZOFIKA!
Me: but you said that last 3 hours ago, kanti siyaphi?
Nolwazi: that house.

She pointed at a really sweet and small house, it even had a small yard but
enough for Nolwazi. The care I shared for this kid was incomparable. She pulled
me by my arm, maybe it was selfish but I wanted her all to myself. We stood in
front of the gate but I hesitated.
Me: Nolwazi… you’re going home! And uzombona ubabakho And all seven of
your siblings.
Nolwazi: thank you.

She held my hand with the warmest intentions and pulled me into the gate. I
hoped she knew where she was taking me. Nolwazi looked at me with the cutest
and heart-warming smile. At least she had someone to run to. I hugged her and
knocked on the door. Then a boy opened I assume it had to be Nolwazi's brother.
Nolwazi: Bafana!
She sounded so happy when the door opened, 4 other children came out running
to hug her and an older boy came running from the playground, I wondered
where the seventh child was. I let go of Nolwazi’s hand it felt like I had lost my
38
own sister, she didn’t even notice I had let go, she was too engulfed by her love
for her siblings. They were smiling while I felt like I’d lost a part of me. A woman
came running out of a taxi hugging Nolwazi and giving her many kisses on her
cheeks.
The older boy: (while shaking my hand) Bafana.

He was pushed out of the way by the older woman, she wasn’t old but she just
looked older than the rest of them. While she silently told him I wasn’t his type.
Her: Kuhle, ngiyabonga! If there’s anything I can do for you.
I felt the heavy burden of telling them Nolwazi was dying. I wanted to help, I
wanted to save her.
Me: Kuhle listen…
Bafana: uphi uMah?
Kuhle: yeah, is she coming in the next taxi?

I felt like the bearer of bad news, how could I tell them, her mother was dead? No
daughter ever wanted to hear those words. My mind ran back to my own
mother’s death, when the warehouse was painted red and blue by police cars and
ambulance lights. I remembered when the paramedics covered her body in coil
telling me she was dead. I slowly repeated the paramedics words, “I’m sorry… she
didn’t make it.”
Kuhle kneelt down crying while Bafana just walked away into the house. When my
mother died she was in my arms, I didn’t believe she was dead until I was told she
was actually dead. When I realised she bled to death in my arms, I knew it was all
my fault for not getting there quick enough or if I was little quieter then maybe
they wouldn’t have heard me, there wasn’t ever something more painful than
that moment, now they were experiencing it.
Me: Kuhle… please let me give Nolwazi my heart, the doctors say she’s slowly
dying and if she doesn’t get a—
Kuhle: no, you believe everything you hear from these doctors. She’s my blood,
she’s not your family.
39
Me: I know but I want to help her.
Kuhle: please leave. Thank you for bringing her back safely.
Me: ok, I know you’re angry but let me help her, she can live with me for a while.
Maybe she could find a donor and I’ll bring her back when she’s fine.
Kuhle: cha, you want to steal my child away from me. Sisi please look at her right
now, she’s happy and if she leaves again then she might die from heartache.
Nolwazi was happy, her smile was not only full of life, she was really happy. I
couldn’t take that away from her, Kuhle seemed sensible and I was sure Nolwazi
was going to get a donor.
Me: let me help you, I can transfer some money to you so you can be able to get
her help.
Kuhle: cela uhambe, I can take care of my siblings. I’ve been doing that since our
father died, so I don’t appreciate you coming here and trying to take over my
responsibilities.
Me: thank you. Bye Nolwazi!

I walked away, broken. Till this day I wished I’d been more convincing. I wish I
could’ve helped Nolwazi more but I didn’t want to offend Kuhle more than I
already had. I felt myself drowning in a pool of sadness, I reached into my pocket
taking out the packet of cocaine, swallowing almost a handful of it before getting
onto a taxi.
I didn’t know where to go or where to start. I might as well get back to my hotel
and get a rest from everything. I had no idea where I was. I didn’t have a phone,
all I had was the coke in my pocket. When I did get to the taxi rank I was surprised
to find out where I was, I was in Soweto and by my knowledge that’s in Jozi. I got
on a taxi and I went from Soweto to Johannesburg then I had to find my way to a
taxi rank that had taxi’s that travel to Durban so I can fetch my belongings and get
my head straight and at least try to forget of what happened. I was tired and
every time I closed my eyes I was back in that room bringing back chills, I suddenly
felt uncomfortable around people. I was kidnapped in broad daylight, imagine
40
what they would do to me at night. The thought came to me as soon as I had

waken up from the taxi because it stopped. Everybody was getting off then I
realized that I had to get off. By the time I got off almost everyone was either
gone or packing the or bags into their cars. I was reminded that I didn’t have
anyone and it also reminded me what came here to do in the first place.
Knew nothing was going to stop me from getting my revenge. I could just imagine
how great those murderers lives were, I wished the guilt was eating them up from
the inside out. Wherever they were I told myself I would find them and I would
make sure that I killed those assholes or my name is not Nhlalo.
Then someone touched me on my shoulders, I wasn’t expecting it and the last

time something like that happened I ended up locked up in a room so my reaction
was reasonable. I turned around and I punched the person and I distanced myself
from them. It was the taxi driver, he was on his knees gripping his stomach,
gesturing pain. You wouldn’t expect a man of his size to just fall on the floor by
just a punch. I just mean he’s tall. I kinda liked his simplicity, he knew how to
dress his broad body and it fitted his personality. Most of the way here he was
talking and making jokes that’s while I was awake, I fell asleep while he was still
talking, ai ukuluma njalo lomunthu. I really did not pay attention to his face and
features then. But now that he was on his knees I actually got the chance to. He
had beautiful eyes with a jungle of eyebrows. He was breathing threw his mouth…
ooh! They looked mouth-watering. There’s nothing wrong with complimenting a
person.
Me: sorry, I just panicked.
Taxi driver: yoh, uyindoda yini? I was just wondering if you were leaving soon.
Me: ungenaphi wena lapho?
Taxi driver: baby gal! Isn’t there anyone here to fetch you?
I hesitated because I didn’t want to seem vulnerable or lonely.

Me: I’ll take a cab.
41
Taxi driver: ukhokhele ukuthi ufike la uyakhona. So I insist get on, it’s my
responsibility to make sure each and every one of my passengers get home safely.
Me: no!
Taxi driver: Sala wedwa ke.

I looked around and nobody was there they all left.
Taxi driver: gibela… please.
Me: angikuthembi. I’d rather walk alone.
Taxi driver: why are you so stubborn? Okay, take my house keys, my wallet, you
can even take my clothes.
Me: give me your gun.
Taxi driver well I’m offended, so you just assume I have a gun. Now let me just
assume that you are annoying, uyichepisi nje ezonginamathela.
Me: mxm, I can walk on my own.
Taxi driver: feel free to and don’t cry masebekubamba inkunzi.

He got in the taxi.
Me: okay, hamba vele!

PRIDE, just know in my mind my crown was growing enormously.
Taxi driver: okay, okay! Thatha.

He actually took out his gun, took out the bullets and laid both bullets and gun on
the ground. So maybe my crown was getting a bit heavy for me to carry, or was it
the heavy gun?
Me: give me your wallet too.
Taxi driver: chini! Are you mugging me with my own gun, imhlola!
42
Me: uhlekani, give me your wallet. Then only will I get in the car.
He actually did it, which was just crazy. Nobody just gives a stranger their wallet.
It was a joke but because he gave it to me, I was forced to get on but I got in the
backseat so I could see his every move. I didn’t trust him or anyone as a matter of
fact. It was quiet for a while as we left the stop when he listened to music.
Taxi driver: so, ubani igama?

He was looking at me from the mirror. The last time somebody asked me this I
was kidnapped. I knew I shouldn’t be so paranoid as to associate everything with
what happened to me but I was protecting myself.
Me: I don’t have a name.
Taxi driver: okay, unenkani. Mina nginguZweli.
Me: Nhlalo, great now I can stop calling you taxi driver.
Zweli: yazi uyaphapha, who said I’m a taxi driver.
Me: well you’re driving a taxi nje.
Zweli: for your information I just happen to be a musician and the only reason I’m
driving this taxi is because I’m a good son.
Why was he bragging. I didn’t care, at least I was getting off soon so he could stay
delusional by himself. I was drowsy but I couldn’t sleep because, I mean I had
been thinking it the whole time, I DON’T TRUST HIM.
Zweli opened the door for me. It didn’t make a difference.

Me: I still don’t trust you.
Zweli: hawu, but I trusted you enough to give you my wallet and my gun. You
could have shot me there and then but I trust you.
He was coming closer to me so I moved away.
Me: that’s your choice. You’re dumb enough to trust me.
43
Zweli: what a personality. You can keep the wallet it gives me hope that I’ll see
you again.
I left with his wallet then, it just felt like he was paying me off or something. I
forgot I had a room just waiting for me there. I was over it, the more I thought
about what happened just made me angry, I just wanted to forget and the
flashbacks were getting blurrier so I thought I was forgetting or maybe it was the
coke taking a toll on my mind.
When I checked my phone I had thousands of missed calls, all from my brother,
but 1 call caught my eye, the one I had been expecting for so long the call from
Gert, he’s our family Private Investigator one of the best in the game, guess he
finally got the information I wanted. This just had to be the only good thing that’d
happened so far. I called Gert back and this Kevin murderer lived in Cape Town.
Now everything was going to plan and I was going to get my revenge. A
The next day I woke up with my whole body feeling numb but my mind still
working perfectly fine. I hadn’t taken a bath for days, I smelt like a hobo. I took a
long shower. Afterwards I sat naked on my couch trying to feel comfortable. I
couldn’t feel anything, I wasn’t comfortable nor was I uncomfortable I was
emotionally numb. I tried watching a sad movie and I couldn’t feel anything, I
tried watch a happy movie but I still couldn’t feel a thing, after 3 rows of coke and
still feeling emotionless I took the whole pack. I felt like I was in a whirlpool with
my emotions and not being able to catch one. I sat around the whole day
frustrated with myself. Until I had a knife against my wrist. I cut myself and I could
feel again, I focused on the pain, it was the only emotion I felt but I felt alive.
I got a knock on my door, it must be room service, how bad was their timing I put
on a gown, opened the door and wiped the blood off before getting to the door. I
didn’t believe it, honestly I thought they were sent to the wrong person. I mean,
there were roses on my doorstep. I took them because… I can and they were on
my doorstep. There was a note inside. “look outside your window”. I’d always
wondered what having a secret admirer felt like. When I opened my window
someone’s standing under the umbrella, it was raining heavily that day.
Me: I think you sent your flowers to the wrong person.
44
The person was laughing and I also started laughing. I was actually laughing at the
fact that he’s wearing a suit and he was getting wet. The shoes looked expensive,
like the type my father had.
Him: uhlekani?
He tilted the umbrella up a little, it was Zweli, I had hope that it wouldn’t be, what
was I hoping for, everyone can vouch for me when I say love stories aren’t real.
Love from a person outside your family tree isn’t real. This thing called love is a
joke, I’ve learnt that in my past, if you irresponsibly fall for a person, you give
them all you can, you even commit yourself to satisfy their needs but they just
wanted the tlof-tlof and they just never feel the same way, leading you to a whole
lot of heartache. I’ve been in a whole lot of ‘remlationships that didn’t end the
right way, sorry if I gave off the wrong idea I was the one who just didn’t commit
myself, some of those guys gave me their heart and self, but what can you do if
the feeling wasn’t mutual. I can’t force myself to love anyone.
Me: wenzani kunetha?
Zweli: I need a favour, it’s a really not that big of a deal.
Me: what is it?
Zweli: there’s this small dinner party my mother’s doing and my date kinda
couldn’t make it.
Me: I don’t even know you.
Zweli: yet you have my wallet with you.
Me: mxm hlala lapho emvuleni and thatha Iwallet yakho.

I nearly threw it down that’s when he screamed “WOAH!!!”
Zweli: you can’t afford my wallet so please do not do what you’re thinking of
doing.
Me: it’s just R100, what’s so expensive about it.
45
Zweli: okay can you please let me come up I’m drowning here.
Me: I never said you should stand there, come up.

While he was coming upstairs I had set all my weapons like pepper spray, pots,
boiling water, wet towels and a fork, I couldn’t find my knife. I couldn’t trust a
stranger or anyone as a matter of fact. He opened the door and I was in the other
side of the room with a fork up my sleeve.
Me: hlala lapho.

He just came in with a smile on his face, the “ I’m trying to convince you to do
something smile” although in my head it was the, “I’m going to kidnap you and
sexually assaulted you” type of smile and it made me hold on to the fork in my
hands even tighter, keeping my fear hidden behind my confident stance.
Zweli: dramatic enough. Please I’m already late, just put this dress on and let’s go.
Me: hayibo! Yazi uyangijwayela. You’re not even asking.

He got on his knees and started begging me. I took the dress and went to the
other room making sure to know what Zweli was doing, when I tried it on it didn’t
fit me, I couldn’t pull the zip up. I wasn’t going to force things and dresses weren’t
my style anyways.
When I came out wearing my boxers and a t-shirt with the dress in my hands.
Me: I’m a size 38 not 28.
He gave me a rose.
Zweli: you look great.
Me: if you wanted me to go on a date with you I would have agreed.
Zweli: unamanga! You would look at me in my face and walk away laughing at me.
Who said this is a date, uyaphapha.
I crossed my arms and pouted my mouth, that sarcastic look you give people.
Zweli: I’m late already, ok Nhlalo, please wear anything as long as you go with me
to this event because if you don’t then I’ll have to marry my stalker.
46
I didn’t believe him but I was bored so decided to go to this event with him.
When we got there the parking lot had all my eye candies parked together, the
cars I mean, they were nothing less than pure beauty. Cars were always my
seconds favourite thing after guns. There were taxi’s surrounding the cars. When I
got out of the car, I noticed that there were bodyguards all around the building
and in the taxi’s too, the bodyguards were all carrying guns. I felt surrounded by
my absolute favourite things. In the hall there was a large table and the guests
were all dressed as if they were Zulu kings and queens while I looked like any
ordinary person, which is why I thought I was getting the stink eye.
Zweli: listen whatever happens here stays here.
I was in my own mind thinking about how many people could be there. That was
when a man came up to me and spilt his whiskey on me. I was half way to pulling
the glass out of his hand, breaking it and stabbing him with it, when Zweli
interrupted by holding the man by his collar pushing him against the wall.
Zweli: xolisa!
Before Zweli could punch him he was pulled away by a woman and slapped him
afterwards.
Her: Zwelihle! Awunanhlonipho wena! Sukela nini ushay' uBabomcane wakho!?
Zweli: ma, cela ungiyeke, ngoba namhlanje ngizoyibulala lenja.
His uncle: myeke Dade. Usedakwe isnyefu futhi.

I was trying not to laugh then Zweli took out a hand gun and so did his uncle, both
cocking them at the same time and pointing at each other. There is nothing more
beautiful than seeing a family resolve their matters over a gun fight. Muzi and my
father used to have these once in a while.
Zweli's mother: Mandla!
Zweli: dubula!
His uncle: mfanam' ungang'thathi kancane, Wena nomagosha wakho nizodakelwa

kimi.
They didn’t shoot each other because the body guards took their guns from them
before they could. I was still soaked in whiskey. When the tension had died out
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everybody sat down in their seats and an old man stood up raising ukhamba
which was full of umqombhothi.
Him: kungipha injabulo ukunamkela nonke, Zikalala! Khuzeni! Mazibuko!
Mvelase! Mpungose! Khuba! Mabhengeza! Cebisa! Maluleka iphilibana
likaDonda. Ngoba leswalabavubeli. Mhayise! Magwazindoinyelemphandeni. Nina
abakwaNgonyama!
Everybody raised their glasses and the woman ululated while the men said the
clan names along with the old man.
Zweli whispered to me that the old man was his grandfather.
Zweli’s grandfather carried on by talking about the how proud he was that the
Zikalala's were still the best and how they had everybody under their control, it
sounded like they were a family of super villains planning to take over the world.
The Zikalala’s were full of themselves, no wonder Zweli talked about himself so
much. The event was like a family gathering the only problem was that I wasn’t
family and I was getting bored from hearing them toot their horns. I got busy on
my phone, searching for this Kevin guy and there was this group he was always
with I thought that group of people were the ones that may have murdered my
mother, when I saw his pictures he looked so happy, always smiling and his family
too, it angered me how he could carry on with life after ending mother’s.
Zweli: I'm going to the toilet.

I was urged to ask him ukuthi "Mina ngingenaphi Pho?", But I stopped myself. I
was sitting alone and I raised my eyes, I felt that I should have had a (zulubride
hat)on because every other women had it on. I also need to go to the toilet.
Actually every woman had one on, awkward. I got to the toilet and I just sat there.
I actually needed to smoke, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror while looking
for a lighter in my handbag. Oh yeah, I smoked, started when I was 13 just for fun,
later it was just to relax. I always had a cigarette on me. I inhaled it in keeping it in
for as long as I could when I exhaled I felt all the nerves leave my body. Zweli took
the cigarette from my hand and also took a pull at it. We look at each other from
the mirror and randomly laugh.
Zweli: what else do you do?
Me: I'm up for anything, nowadays I’m always looking for my next high.
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He took out a small pill while I was talking. I took one and so did he.
Me: when does it start working?
Zweli: just wait for it.
Voice: Zwelihle Revival Gugulethu Zikalala!
Zweli(in an annoyed tone): Maa.
Her: look at me boy!( Even I looked) your father would have expected more from
you, look at you with a woman in the bathroom. Shameless! You are dragging
your father’s legacy in the mud. And you! What do you do for a living?
Me: I don’t have a job.
Zweli's mother: oh, so you’re like any other slut who wants a taste of the Zikalala
fortune.
She sounded exactly like my grandfather, he always talked about the Zikhali
fortune and the Zikhali-Mabizela legacy like it was gold. When Muzi got Candice
pregnant besides getting the beating of his life, he got the longest speech about
respecting the Zikhali-Mabizela legacy. Zweli tried talking to her privately but she
didn’t like me and she wasn’t trying to hide it. She took out a gun from her
handbag and had me at gunpoint.
Zweli's mother: what do you want from my son?!
Zweli: ma! She’s carrying my child.

I kept quiet knowing that if I denied it she might shoot me. She stormed out of the
room, another woman came in. She looked younger, probably I bit older than me
but I lost focus on her, the pill was starting to work, I wanted to laugh all of the
sudden, but I held it in.
Her: Zweli it's over.

She handed him a ring and he laughed in her face. She looked at me and I was
trying so hard not to laugh.
49
Her: I'd like to say I've heard a lot about you but I haven't and I've seen it all about
you.(she turned to Zweli) so this is the bitch you're willing to leave your fiancé
for? Pathetic.
In most cases I could have had a come back to slap back at her comment. A literal
slap would’ve worked too, rather I broken into laughter, she got angry and left
too.
Me: so she’s the crazy stalker ex-fiancé?
Zweli: I can still smell the scent of craziness. I lied and said I impregnated a girl
that didn't exist until now...
Me: I don't look like I’m carrying a baby though...
Zweli: well it doesn't look like it if you’re in the toilet smoking. You know what can
we just leave.
There was nothing I would’ve liked doing more than leaving because the Zikalala's
were dangerous loose cannons they thought after pulling out a gun. When we left
we weren't even driving the car he came with, we on a mustang. I don't
remember what happened next. I saw a few flashes of fire, I remember that there
was red lights and it's all blurry from there.
The next day, I woke up struggling to open my eyes because they felt heavy.
When they did finally open I realise that I didn’t know where I was but it always
definitely not my hotel room. I needed the toilet, so I had to figure out which door
led to the toilet. I was not sure where I was and there weren’t any signs of who
lived there. I panicked a little, reminded of that room I was locked in. I open one
of the door to find Zweli shirtless and with a syringe in his hand and the needle
close to going into his skin. This didn’t bother me, I could tell Zweli was a junkie
for a high.
I'm not going to say "oh my goodness, his abs were to die for", I don't give a damn
about those things. Plus not everybody has time to workout to get abs. They were
there and well, so what? If I gasped at every person with abs then I'd always have
my mouth open because they’re not special, whoever wants them can get them.
Me: morning, I don't remember anything what happened?
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This was a first, I always remembered my night outs but my body told me that I
wasn't forced to do something I didn’t want to so I was not going to make a big
deal out of me not remembering anything.
Zweli:(while he was squeezing the 'substance' into his skin) you crashed the car
into a lamppost before you tried to jump in front of a car. I’ve never seen anyone
get high and do the things you did, you have issues.
I tried to kill myself, I was disappointed in myself. High or not, I had so much to
lose if I killed myself, I didn’t want to know more.
Me: why did I do everything. I'm sure you did some of things so don't be blaming
me because I can't remember any of it, I’m sure you crashed the car.
He kissed my cheeks afterwards passing me to go wear a t-shirt

Zweli: And you! Girl you can move in bed.
I remembered Siseko's words I felt my body cringe all over again. My mind was
going back there, I could feel the tears about to fall from my eyes.
Zweli: are you fine? Nhlalo...
Me: what else do you use?

Zweli opened one of the drawers revealing numerous bags of what I assumed to
be illegal drugs, he took out a small packet of coke and the desperate desire for it
arose. He unloaded it on the table and started sorting it into rows.
Me: so, why do you use all of these things what are you trying to hide?
Zweli: it's the pressure from my family. It's all about what my father would have
wanted. They never bother about what I want. From the day he died it's been the
same words being repeated to me. Is this what your father would have expected
from you. My family assumes that I want to be a taxi owner just like him but I
don't, I want to be a musician, I like the stage. I want the crowds to roar when I
come on stage, I love the glory. But they won't allow that so what other choice
do I have. Taking drugs makes me feel like a have a choice, and you? What are
you trying to hide?
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Me: for the fun of it. You know the saying, you'll never be this young again. So it's
either I die boring or live lit.
I took a sniff snd kissed him. At that moment I had realised that I found my key to
an endless amount of coke, since I didn’t know where to get it from and Zweli
seemed to have his contacts. There was a knock on the door, Zweli tried stopping
me from opening it but I already had by the time he got to the door. There was a
maid standing outside holding a tray in her hands.
Her: breakfast?
Zweli: Brenda, just bring the toast up and if anybody asks I’m sick and not with a
girl in the house.
Brenda: I’ve been meaning to get my nails done for a while now…
Zweli: have I ever not payed you for your favours?
Brenda: bye Zweli.
Zweli: so Thursday night?!

She walked away and I realised Zweli was talking about more than just these
favours. Brenda came back with the toast, I had a slice before Zweli started
thinking of a way to sneak me out of the house. He was thinking too slow so I
wore my clothes and walked out of the room looking for the front door. This
house was huge, but the Zikalala family was also huge.
I passed the kitchen that had more than ten people all cooking and entered the
living room when I felt someone touching my shoulder, I turned around, luckily it
was Zweli.
Zweli: the fuck, if any of my uncle’s see you I’ll be dead.
Voice: Zweli Revival Gugulethu Zikalala.

I knew it was his mother. He responded with the same annoyed tone from the
bathroom incident.
Zweli's mother: uletha lomagosha wakho lay'khaya, uyahlanya, uzothini

uKhuzeni?
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Me: nginalo igama.

She clicked her tongue before she snuck me out like I was a teenage girl who
wasn’t old enough to make her own decisions. Zweli waited outside the gate with
me for a cab.
Me: do you want to… go on a trip with me?
Zweli: as long as you don’t crash another one of my cars, I’ll start packing then.
I left when the cab arrived, I hadn’t even packed. I got to my hotel room took a
shower, telling myself that Kevin was going to pay. I had already wasted enough
time. I was on my way to the airport when I got a phone call.
Me: Hello.
It was Zweli: why are you answering like you're expecting it to be a sales agent.
Me: well, I don't have all day I have places to be, I’m on my way to the airport.
Zweli: I’m on my way there, it’s just that I don’t know where you are.
Me: it seems you always find your way to me so I’m sure you can figure it out.
We carried on talking I tried to direct him to the hotel after he said he didn’t
understand the GPS directions. I forgot that I was on a tight schedule and I
needed to be at the airport hours before but Zweli just couldn’t find his way to
where I was.
Me: this is all your fault, I missed my flight. Kuzomele ungihambhise ke manje.
Zweli: oh, ubuzongishiya vele?
Me: it seems like you always find your way to me so you would have figured out
where I am. Okusalayo uzongihambhisa.
Zweli: ngiyeza ke but tell me uyaphi at least.
Me: uthanda indaba uzobona khona.
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When he got to where I was, I had gotten out of the cab, I was just standing there
waiting for him, ready with my suitcase. I was going to take the next flight
because driving to Cape town seemed crazy but I wasn’t going to wait for another
day. I loaded my suitcases into the car after Zweli got to me, we left, we drove all
night and finally got to the Mother City. It was beautiful from the vineyards and
the cold ocean breeze to the amazing architectural work in the buildings. Cape
Town, now I could tick this place off my bucket list.
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Chapter 4
It was a cool morning after taking a bath I was covered in a towel while
moisturizing myself in front of the mirror. I was fed up with the hotel rooms and I
decided to rent a penthouse in the middle of the city where I could see almost
everything. Zweli was still in bed.
Me: does your car have a tracker?
Zweli: which car doesn’t.
Me: oh ok, I’m borrowing it for a while.
Zweli: so will your go on a date with me...
Me: don't push it, we aren't even a couple.

I didn’t want to be a in any sort of relationship with Zweli, all I wanted was the
drugs and he was a bored boy tired from sitting at home getting high alone. I
wasn’t planning on going on any dates, I had plans that weren’t meant to be
interrupted. Before I left to Kevin’s house, I had two pills to kill my conscience.
Before I started the car I had to find it’s tracker and disable it. I was using Zweli's
car because it didn’t have a number plate yet and with the tracker disabled it
would be impossible to trace the murder back to me, and if it happened that they
figure out the cars location then Zweli would be arrested and not me.
Along the way I was telling myself over and over again how Kevin deserved what
he was going to get. I was thinking of my sister, she was spoilt, sassy and sarcastic
and so were the things she said, they had me laughing, angry and heart broken at
the same time. When I got to the gate of his house I couldn’t stop but wonder
what he was doing, if he was enjoying his time with his feet in the table with no
guilt to his mind. I had a bag with a gun that had a silencer, cleaning materials,
gloves and a shovel in the boot. Things were going to get messy and I knew it.
After sitting in the car for nearly two hours, I was surprised to see Kevin’s car
leaving. This was it, I told myself, “it’s now or never.” Darkness had taken over, I
55
had a ski mask on and the bag in my hands as I walked to his front door. I rang the
doorbell, Kevin opened it and pointed the gun at him and pushed him back inside.
Me: put your hands up and don’t move.

He was sitting watching porn in the dark, and he’s the man that killed my mother,
wow.
Kevin: I swear I don’t have the coke! I don’t have your coke, Daniels!
I had no idea which coke he was talking about but I was angered that he didn’t
think murdering my mother would catch up to him.
Me: I don’t want your drugs.
Kevin: what do you want? I’ll give it to you. You can take the TV and all the
appliances, just don’t kill me. Please don’t ki—
He was talking too much, I hit him with the end of the gun and he fell to his knees.
Me: Kevin, you killed my mother and my sister, you’ve forgotten already? Have
you forgotten how you shot both of them! Now I want you to apologize. I want
you to beg me to forgive you. I want you to cry just like my mother did and I want
you to feel the pain of feeling death just a bullet away. Now beg me!
In tears, he had his hands together begging for me not to shoot, I wanted him to
beg me till his last breathe.
Me: I want know… what we’re my mother’s last words before you shot her?
Kevin: please don’t killed me I have a son to raise and my wife to take care of. I
only did what I was ordered to do.
Me: who ordered you?!
Kevin: Wa-wa don’t come downstairs, you can kill me right here because I’m not
talking, if I talk he’ll find me and he’ll kill me and my whole family.
Me: what we’re my mother’s last word before you shot her!?
I wanted him to recite ma's last words when I killed him too.
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Kevin: she… she said to… us… sy sê… fuck!... She said it wasn’t too late, she said
we should let her go and she wouldn’t say anything to anyone.
While he was stuttering on his words, I cocked the gun with tears in my eyes,
knowing the glory of revenge, at his last word I squeezed the trigger shooting him
threw his head, his body fell dead to the ground. Revenge felt sweet, it felt like a
part of ma and Lethu had woken up inside of me, like they were there with me for
the few seconds.
“daddy”
When I turned around there was a child, standing watching from upstairs. It
turned into a bittersweet moment. I had killed an innocent child’s father, but I
had to! I had to do it. I had to become a brute to defeat that beast.
He came downstairs, he knelt next to him dirtying his knees in Kevin's blood, he
held Kevin’s hand while he was crying.
“daddy wake up” he murmured, his small mind was still trying to process what
had just happened. “daddy wake up” he softly said before hugging him. The pain
of knowing what I had to do, had my heart feeling like it had been torn apart.
Me: go to sleep now.

He stood up and left the body, I followed him to his bed and tucked him in.
Him: are you an angel?
Me: …yes, your father’s still asleep and I’ll take him to heaven with me, just go to
sleep.
He smiled before closing his eyes.
Him: please sing for me.
“Twinkle twinkle little star

how I wonder what you are
Up above away so high
Like a diamond in the sky
Twinkle twi—”
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I took the pillow from under his head, took a deep breathe before pressing it
against his face, I silenced my guilt and the heart ache and pushed the pillow
harder. Until he forced his last kick and stopped moving. I stopped singing
realising what I had done. I sat next to his body trying to find the words to say,
trying to find a way to apologize to him for ending his life too soon, it was done
and I had to clean up. I took my bag from downstairs came up to start cleaning
the blood he stained on the bed. I tried holding the tears back while I took the
boys body and stashed it into the boot. I went downstairs, and started scrubbing
away the blood from the walls and floor, it made me sick to know that I killed that
innocent boy. While I was scrubbing the floor I saw a bright star from the corner
of my eye. He was in the sky. He was like a diamond, bringing light to a dark
night. Giving hope to other children— a twinkling star.
After putting Kevin’s body into a black plastic bag throwing it into the backseat, I
drove away wiping away my tears before they fell. I drove into dirt roads far from
the city. It was around midnight when I started digging the hole, the little boys
words kept replaying in my head, he thought I was an angel and I killed him. I was
far from being an angel, the complete opposite maybe.
I threw the shovel far from me and sat in front of the hole trying not to cry, trying
not to scream. I was angry at myself again, I felt like if I hadn’t been angry at my
mother that night she would be here. The night she died, we had an argument
like most nights but that one was different, my last words to her were “I wish you
weren’t my mother”, that’s why I wanted to know her last words, to know if
maybe she didn’t hate me. I wish I could’ve ended things differently. I wish I told
her how much she meant to me and how thankful I was for her being my mother.
The regret became felt as I scram out knowing nobody would hear me. I buried
the boy, getting angrier at myself for killing a kid. I was high on emotions and I
couldn’t wait to get back to my flat to get a shot of heroine to force these
emotions to die down. Wow. A few days before I wanted to feel yet when I could
feel again, the emotions were too much for me.
I didn’t bury Kevin’s body but instead I wiped off all the possible fingerprints or
anything linking me to it and threw his body in gutter near the Cape Flats. I knew
somebody would find him.
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After cleaning the car I drove back to my flat, it was almost morning when my
head hit the pillow, I had taken three pills to get a decent sleep without the guilt
eating me up.
When I woke up I had to take a shot of heroine just to feel like I could get out of
bed without being an emotional wreck. When I checked my messages, Zweli was
waiting for me at a restaurant across the street. I didn’t feel like going anywhere, I
didn’t feel like taking a shower. I just wanted to laze around eating all the food in
the fridge but I wore a hoodie and went to the restaurant.
You'd swear Zweli was a different person, from the almost junkie he was to this
adult like person he was trying to impersonate and only for lunch. He got up from
his seat just to open the door for me. We were only there for lunch and a cup of
coffee even though I like tea.
Zweli: what happened to you, you look like you just came from a wrestling match.
Me: maybe I was in a wrestling match, what’s so special about this lunch?
Zweli: well a few of my family members want to see the girl I knocked up.
Wearing a hoodie suddenly felt like a mistake, when his family members saw me,
they were unimpressed, they dressed up and dolled up just for lunch at a
restaurant that nobody had ever heard of. I stretched out my hand to one of
them, she looked round about my age, the only difference between me and her
was that she could probably fit threw a needle and every hair on her head was
perfectly placed.
Her: I’m not sure it’s safe to touch you, you look like a hobo.
I was being nice and I didn’t want to cause a scene so I sat down and kept my dirty
hand to myself.
Zweli: Nhlalo, this is Wendy, Zack and Queen, my cousin’s and cousins this is
Nhlalo.
Zack was busy on his phone and Queen like Wendy looked like a Barbie doll with
her toothpick legs and fake donkey hair.
Queen: you can do better Zweli.
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Zack: I told you to use a condom, look what you ended up with.
I was offended. Zweli was trying to look like a gentleman in front of them, but we
both knew who the real junkie was.
Wendy: Zack this is all your fault, you should have shown him what his type was
instead of telling him to condomise. We should be sitting here with a Kendall
Jenner instead of Sista Bettina.
Queen: she’s not Sista Bettina… she’s more of mam Patricia’s daughter, Rachel.
Zack: first of all it’s mam'Precious and her daughter is Rose.
Wendy: Mam'Philipina's daughter is Rubi.
Zweli: mam’Prudence’s daughter is Regina, how don’t you know you’re maids
name? Ave'nispoilt.
They quarrelled about this for a few minutes and I was left with a headache
afterwards.
Zweli: she’s not feeling well so that’s why she’s dressed down.
Wendy: so when are we going to go wedding gown shopping?
Me: wedding gown?

I must’ve been dreaming I told myself, I was not getting married to Zweli, the guy
it a snob! Not sayings I wasn’t but he was also so full of himself. If I had to marry
him then my head would explode listening to him.
Zweli: soon.
Zack: but you better make it quick because the weddings in 2 weeks and about
the guys nights out I have it all planned out, booze, bro's and strippers.
Wendy: you don’t tell the bride you’ll be having strippers you stupid! But Nhlalo,
between me and you I have my own magic Mike.
I was drinking water, hoping that maybe I was on the floor in my room dreaming
and I’d wake up any second.
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Queen: are you talking about that player you’ve been sleeping with?
Wendy: you’re just jealous he has a bigger penis than Vusi.
Queen: how do you know how big Vusi's pe— you whore.
Wendy: but between me and you, the thing he does with the nipples you know
the twistie turnie thing is a turn off.
Wendy and Queen had a full on cat fight. It started with Queen throwing her
champagne into Wendy's face, Wendy followed with a slap and Queen jumped on
Wendy “slapping the whore” out of her. Zack had to drag them out of the
Restaurant, when it was only Zweli and I, we left I had to ask him about this
wedding.
Me: wedding. In two weeks. Uyanya wena.
Zweli: just play along with it, please.
Me: Zweli! I’m not going to play along with it. I do not want to get married not to
you and not to anybody else. So you’ll go pack your things and get married to
your psycho girlfriend.
He took out a pill, after swallowing it, I honesty felt so horny.
We got back to my penthouse, we were already half naked kissing on the kitchen
counter. Sex had lost its value to me after... I suddenly didn’t feel comfortable and
as I raised my head it bumped into the top cupboard. Zweli stopped and laughed.
He took out 2 bottles of beer and we might as well have a chat while drinking it.
Zweli: I don't even know where you come from.
Me: but here I am in front of you, what does it matter where I come from
anyways.
Zweli: you're still not answering my question.
Me: Okay Zweli if that is even you're real name. I grew up in Zambia but my
parents are from Swaziland and South Africa, my name is Nhlalo-enhle Mabizela, I
61
have 2 other siblings. I am born on the 4th of July and I'm 20. My favourite colour
is red, my favourite food is Mac and cheese... What else do you need to know.
Zweli: yoh, I was just asking.

We carried on talking until the early hours of the morning. I'm not even sure what
we we're talking about I was that drunk.
Next morning, I found myself sleeping on the kitchen counter and Zweli on the
floor. I woke up with an enormous hangover. I would have gone back to sleep if I
didn't have places to go to. Well I wanted to explore the place. I had to know my
surroundings. I’m not a fan of the wild, but I like animals especially the wild ones,
it if were up to me I’d have a black panther living with me in my dream house.
That was a day well spent. I got a chance to see the place, I drove around the city
until I got tired, I went back to the penthouse and I slept the whole day. I
would’ve done more than just drive around but going out to a bar had me
thinking about my safety.
A few days later it was the day of the funeral. Kevin’s body was found by a drunk
guy walking home. I wished he was eaten by the rats and dogs before they found
him.
*Sniff*
Wiped of the excess and got ready to leave for that murderers funeral. I would
have loved to go there and laugh at his dead body but that would stupid of me to
do. I was only going there to find out who the other 3 were. On my way out I felt
Zweli's arms around my waist, he started kissing me on my neck.
Zweli: uyaphi?
Me: a funeral of a friend.
Zweli: well bye then and we’ll be going to check the décor tomorrow.
Me: Zweli, I’m not marrying you… ever.
Zweli: if you say so, busy playing hard to get. I know you love me.
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I left him bacause he was clearly high on something. When I arrived there, I was
already late but what was I supposed to do if there were 5 other tents in the area.
I sat in the back after having to get threw security guards and guns. This felt like a
replay of my mom's funeral, guns and bodyguards everywhere. Everybody was
wasting their tears crying for that murderer. Kevin deserved it and I hoped he
burnt in hell. The casket entered the venue, turns out I wasn't that late, one of the
people who carried the casket inside... I think I saw the N on them, I wasn't sure if
it was it because it was partially covered by his T-shirt. I must admit I don't have
good eyesight and I wasn’t wearing my contacts so I had to really focus and squint
my eyes to see the person's arm.
Voice: was he a friend of yours?
I was trying to see the person's arm but they were so many heads blocking the
way.
Me: no. I mean, he was my old friend.
I finally saw his arm and it was it, well I was still focusing my eyes on it, I didn’t
have my contacts on because I can drive without them and I didn’t think I’d read
anything.
Voice (which was rusty because the person was whispering but I could tell it was
deep yet not too deep): I'm sorry for your loss then, he was also an old friend of
mine, did we go to the same school?
It was it! I was sure of it, the man wore a jacket but I was sure it was it.
Me: no, I knew him from a long time ago, I moved and we lost touch.
I got back to my senses and I turned my head to see who I was speaking to
unknowingly. I was just answering his questions. When I did turned my head he
stood up and left. I tried seeing who he was but he carried on walking away. I was
trying to see who he was but it didn’t bother me. It wasn’t a big deal if I didn’t see
him but I was just curious. What if I was talking to Kevin's ghost. I laughed a little. I
can be hilarious sometimes and I only mean sometimes because most times when
I think something is funny it really isn't. Can people actually haunt you though? I'd
be going crazy then.
The service went on until the casket was lowered 6 feet under, that felt like a
victory to me. When the service ended I was bored and angry. What made me
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angry was the speeches that they gave, saying he was an amazing person and he
was a great and honest being, especially his wife’s speech, one of Kevin’s cousin’s
read it to the crowd because Kevin’s wife was too broken to say anything. She
talked about him like he was a saint, If only she knew, I stayed just because I
wanted to see his body being lowered and to make sure that he was dead.
On my way out I had the luck of walking next to the person I saw earlier, the one
with the N on his shoulder. Karma must’ve been rooting for me.
Me: sawubona.
Him: Yebo, do I know you from somewhere?
Me: no, doubt it, but I'd swear that I've seen your face somewhere, what's your
name again.
Him: Lakhiwe and yours?
Me: that doesn't matter.
Then a small voice started talking: and I'm his wife thank you.
She was short and she was pregnant. She pulled Lakhiwe away from me. She had
a good instincts, but I snuck my business card into his pocket while he was
walking away. A business card makes me feel special. I just hoped he was one of
those bad husbands, I wished he was more like my dad. I got back to my hotel
room, took quick shower and went to sleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night feeling a sharp pain in my lower back area. I
went to the toilet to pee when the pain became worse. I scram for Zweli a few
times but I realised he was probably half unconscious on the kitchen floor. I
sucked it up and drove myself to hospital. By the time I got to hospital I was
leaking red-ish liquid from my vagina and I knew well enough it wasn’t my
monthlies. The nurses sat me in a wheelchair and took me to an emergency room.
I was worried! I could have been dying and the nurses weren’t telling me
anything. They took some blood for a blood test and left me waiting for nearly
three hours with the pain getting worse.
Finally the a doctor came in! She extended her hand and we shared a handshake.
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Her: Doctor Patel and you are?
Me: Nhlalo Mabizela, what’s going on?

She wrote something down, nurses came in with machines and an air mask was
put around my face.
Doctor Patel: you have to go for an operation immediately, before any more harm
is caused.
I felt drowsier.
Me: but what’s wrong?
Doctor: you’ve miscarried.

Before I could respond I fell into a deep sleep…
When I woke up I was in an empty room with the machine beeping next to me.
Empty. I felt alone, the feeling of knowing I was parentless was hard to swallow.
Doctor Patel came in, I was still lost asking myself what was wrong.
Doctor Patel: good day.
I nodded my head.
Doctor Patel: your blood tests came back showing remains of all sorts of drugs like
cocaine, heroine and strong pain killers. Mam are you aware that you were taking
these drugs?
Me: I had no idea, why did I need an operation again?
Doctor Patel: due to the intake of the drugs you miscarried. Were you trying to
get pregnant?
Me: if I was trying to get a child in me then I wouldn’t be taking drugs… if I

actually knew I was taking drugs.
She raised her eyebrows, I knew she didn’t believe me but I wasn’t going to admit
to taking drugs. I wanted to know how I got pregnant, well I know how people
pregnant but I was taking contraceptives because the last thing I wanted was to
have Zweli’s child.
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Doctor: well, we also found remains of a drug that is used to initially get woman
pregnant faster, I just assumed you knew you were taking them, but again you
can’t take contraceptives while you’re taking this drug.
That sneaky arsehole! He was trying to get me to carry his child, no wonder he
was so confident about the wedding carrying on.
Doctor Patel: mam… all I can say is that you might have an overdose because of all
these drugs.
She was about to leave and I wanted to know how I got pregnant and when.
Me: wait! So the child, how was it?
Doctor Patel: six weeks. You were around six weeks pregnant.
Six weeks. I started calculating. I felt sick in realising that it could have been
Gerald or Siseko's child. I couldn’t hold it in, I leant over the bed and vomited.
Me: are you sure you got it out of me? I want no remains of that thing in me!
Doctor Patel: it’s… All out, if the vomiting gets worse the nurses will call me, ok.
She left the room, looking disgusted, I went from feeling sick to being sick. I was in
and out of the toilet every 10 minutes. I was glad I was getting that parasite child
out of me.
I was discharged the next day. When I got to my flat I was met with a room full of
wedding dresses with Queen and Wendy standing in the middle of it all holding
champagne in their hands.
“Surprise!”
Queen: so Wandile just happens to have a few contacts and we managed to pull a
few strings and get you these.
Wendy: only family can call me Wandile. Ok.

Before I could say anything I was forced into an ill fitting dress.
Wendy: ohh! Zweli would go crazy for this.
Queen: I just wish Vusi wasn’t such a man whore so I could marry his ass already.
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I was fed up with their drama.
Me: please take your this game and leave.
Queen: it must be the hormones.

I went to my bedroom, took out my gun from my drawer and came out cocking it
in their direction.
Me: I said GET OUT.

They dropped the champagne glasses and ran out screaming.
Me: and the dresses!?

I heard their car leaving, I felt something running down my nose, I realised it was
blood when I wiped it off and saw the red substance, I knew I was allergic to
bullshit because what Wendy and Queen were doing was just that. The blood was
the last of my worries. I had to get Cinderella’s dresses out of my penthouse
before I became even more sick. I got all the dresses into a few black plastic bags
and threw them outside into the hallway, that was when I saw Zweli coming out
of the elevator, I pinned him against the wall.
Me: here’s the asshole who’s trying to knock me up! Talk how have you been
doing it?
Zweli: what?
Me: stop acting like a fool. How have you been giving me the pregnancy thingie?
Zweli: oh, you caught me. It’s in the grapes. So did it work?
That idiot! I walked away pulling up my sleeves, when he passed me, I formed a
fist and punched him in the face before kicking his groin, he went on his knees
trying not to scream in pain. I left him there and threw out all my grapes and
spent the rest of my day sniffing coke and taking pills, hoping to forget the fear
and disgust of knowing that man’s child was in me.
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Chapter 5
A few days passed and Lakhiwe hadn’t called. I was loosing hope, but I really
didn't pay that much attention to it because I was constantly arguing with Zweli
about everything, he's annoyed me so much, I had even thought of locking him
outside, because he was like a mosquito. He was still planning that imaginary
wedding I wasn’t going to be a part of and I was so close to kicking him out. I was
trying to get my mind off Lakhiwe not calling so I agreed to go to KwaZulu Natal
with Zweli for a pre-wedding dinner with the Zikalala's. Zweli and I were on our
way to the Zikalala house for dinner.
Zweli: just play along and I’ll tell my family at the end.
Me: no. I’m getting out of this car and I’ll be talking to your grandfather about
your lies.
Zweli: if you tell him then he’ll probably shoot you and place Zinzi in your place.
Zinzi was the crazy girlfriend Zweli was so afraid of.
Me: I’d rather be dead than marry you.

When I got out of the car I was sure I was telling his grandfather about his lies,
until I realised the taxi’s full of hitmen were there and if I were to say anything
then I’d be shot and left in a hole in the middle of nowhere. I shook the hands of
all the elders of the family, this was a large family, so it made sense that their
house would also be large house, it was huge! There were almost 20 rondovels
around the main house which was also a beauty itself, the cars were all there and
the guns were looking well polished, the smell of gunpowder was everywhere, it
smelt delicious.
Everybody sat down, Zweli's grandfather stood up, raised his glass. Not again. The
whole family said the clan names, another reason I wasn’t going to get married to
Zweli, I wasn’t going to sit at every meal and say their clan names.
Man: kumele umfundise ithakazelo zakwa, Zikalala.
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Woman: uyazazi, ukuthi nje uzenza ngcono.
Zweli's mother: I’m sure this is the first time she’s seen a table with this much
food.
I didn’t realise why I was enduring their taunts when I could’ve easily shut them
up. The last time I’d been bullied that much was when I was in 9th grade and I
made sure they never dared to bully me again.
Zweli’s grandfather: ukaMabizela is about to be a new member of the Zikalala

clan so let’s treat her like a uZikalala… Zwelihle how do you plan on taking care of
your child?
Zweli: Khuzeni, ngizomkhulisa ngamali yababa wami.
I noticed they called their grandfather Khuzeni.

Khuzeni: Kuhle ke mzukulu, uzoqhala K’sasa uk'sebenza.
Zweli: Khuzeni, ngenhlonipho kodwa angeke ngisebenzele imali yami.
Zweli’s uncle: uyadelela lo, ayikho mal'kayise ozoy'thola la.
Zweli: bab'omncane yonke lentho elana ekaBaba wam! You know what get off the
chairs that we’re bought with my father’s money.
Zweli’s mother: niyizwile indlalifa!

Everybody was raising their voices, lucky enough there were children her so
nobody took out a gun. I stood up and went to the bathroom. I looked at myself in
the mirror while smocking, when I heard something like kissing, when I opened
the door to the toilet innocently peeping, Zack was kissing Vusi, wow. Queen was
right, Vusi was a man whore.
When I went back, the fight had died down and everybody was eating.
Wendy: mkhulu. We’ve picked a wedding dress for our beautiful bride.
Queen: yes and we also thought we should have a private baby shower after the
wedding.
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Zweli held my hand before announcing proudly that it was a boy. The whole
family cheered.
Zweli’s mother: Makoti! manje isisu sibonakala nini?

I couldn’t let Zweli lie to everyone anymore. I stood up and went to take my car
keys.
Me: I’m not pregnant. I’m not getting married to you. It was nice to meet
everyone but you people are crazy. And Queen, I think I saw Vusi kissing Zack.
Queen: Zachariah!
She made a big deal and started shouting at Vusi.
On my way to my car I was thinking of how all the craziness had ended. As I was
about to open the large glass doors and there was a gunshot and the door
cracked. That was when I saw guns being fired at my direction like fireworks. I
took cover behind the nearest wall while looking for my hand gun. When I found
it I started fighting back shooting the heads that were poking up. It felt like an
unfair fight because they had more bullets, all the taxi’s were on fire and the
hitmen nowhere to be seen. I heard guns cocking behind me, it was the whole
Zikalala family with their guns held high shooting at the other side. When I ran out
of bullets I stayed behind the walls catching my breathe when I realised there was
a pain on my arm, when I looked down I was bleeding and the pain kicked in
instantly, it was a flesh wound that hurt like hell! The shooting ended when that
car drove away leaving dead bodies behind and tyres rolling around ablaze.
Queen: you’re shot! Baba!

She wasn’t talking about me. Vusi was leaning on the wall leaving it stained with
his blood. Everybody surrounded him, that was my queue to leave. On my way
out I could hear Khuzeni and Zweli talking about why he lied. I guessed Zinzi was
going to get married to Zweli after all. When I walked out I was stunned to see all
the hitmen on the ground either dead, dying or on fire.
Three cars were coming in, I watched curious who would come out of them, there
were three cars, one of them stopped in front of me then Zinzi came out of the
middle Mercedes wearing a wedding dress running to Zweli. A man came out the
car with his cane stepping ahead of him, followed by hitmen coming out of the
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other two cars. Zinzi was crazy for Zweli so it didn’t surprise me when she hugged
him, he didn’t enjoy one bit of it.
Khuzeni: Ngema usifice sisematasatasa.
Ngema: I heard Zwelihle is getting married.
Khuzeni: uzwe Kahle.
Ngema: Mandla… do you remember our deal? We agreed that if I kill uBheki
ingane Yami izomshada uZweli.
Zweli’s mother: Mandla! You killed my husband, Umnyeni wam!

I didn’t see that one coming, so didn’t Zweli and his mother, they looked like they
were a blink away from crying.
Zweli's uncle: hawu Ngema uthini manje? Unamanga lona!

I was watching from a far when Ngema reached into his pocket, took out a
handgun and shot Zweli’s uncle threw the head.
Ngema: I don’t like seeing my daughter heartbroken.

Queen, ran from Vusi to Zweli’s uncle, they were both dead. I was prepared to
witness war but the mighty Zikalala's stood watching, didn’t shoot they just
…watched, it made me wonder what made Ngema so feared. While Zinzi was
going crazy hugging Zweli.
Zinzi: Zweli now we can get married.
Khuzeni: Zinzile my dear go home… start planning your wedding.

At least their wedding preparations weren’t for nothing, I got in my car and left
that family before I entangled myself in their drama again.
I got on the plane back to Cape Town when it landed it was afternoon, I had
nothing interesting to do, so I went to a pub and got wasted, I ended up paying a
bill of R45 000 after I stupidly announced the drinks were on me for the night. The
next few days were the same thing. I had lost the hope of Lakhiwe calling.
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I was in bed with a bottle of beer next to me trying to sleep the hangover away
when I was woken up by loud knocking. I tried to ignore it but the person didn’t
seem to give up. I angrily took my gun and went to the door opening it slowly.
Zweli: Nhlalo, Vula man!
Me: please?
Zweli: Nhlalo please open the door before they find me.
I opened the door allowing the Zikalala drama back into my life. Zweli came in
with a blazer over his shoulders, he was wearing a suit and had only one shoe on.
He dropped the blazer and kissed me, I didn’t kiss him back but instead pushed
him away.
Me: and then?
Zweli: I had to make a run I wasn’t going to get married to that psycho.
Me: you’re not going to stay here for free.
Zweli: Nhlalo. Come on, uKhuzeni took my credit cards. I can pay you in other
ways.
Me: well you better find a job because I don’t want to buy your body for a fun
time.
Zweli: you seem to forget who I am! I’m Zwelihle Zikalala I have more money than
your whole family will ever have combined. Now you’re expecting me to go work.
where? MacDonald’s?
Me: well Zwelihle Revival Gugulethu Zikalala… you can go back to Zinzi.
Zweli: fine, I’ll make a plan… where’s the coke? I need some coke.
Me: does coke expire? Because I haven’t been getting a high.
Zweli: try something else.
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I was looking at a table of drugs I took pills and soon I wasn’t in control of what I
was doing,
It was a Sunday afternoon like many other days I had nothing to do except eat,
get high and sleep, which was exactly what I was doing, when I woke up I find
thick smoke around me, when I make my way through the smoke it's Zweli and
he's smoking a hubbly-bubbly.
Me: don't you think it's too much?
Zweli: what?
Me: I mean can't you just drink beer or vodka? Like other normal people with
problems.
Zweli: who said I have problems?
Me: I was just asking if you could smoke somewhere else!
Zweli: does it bother you where I smoke?

He exhaled it in my face, the disrespect that boy had.
Me: Zweli, do that one more time and I swear I'll kick you out of here.
He did it again, he thought I was joking.
Me: yazini, Fuseg hamba kini!
Zweli: make me.

I took his leg and I pulled him by it, he tried to hold on to the side of the bed that
was before he fell on the floor. I was kicking him out he wasn’t paying any rent for
starters and he was like a fly. I never asked him to come here, ungimoshela
isikhala nje, he tried holding on to the left end of the bed, which led to us having
this huge fight about him holding on to the bed, he let go after pulling the bed to
the door. Thank goodness it couldn't fit through the door or else I was going to
kick him it out with him. I grew lazy to actually drag him threw the living room,
threw the kitchen and outside the door, so I got back inside my bedroom and
locked the door.
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A few hours passed, I couldn't sleep and the movie I was watching was boring me
to death.
Me: Zweli, are you there?
Zweli: yeah, why did you kick me out?
Me: you're annoying.
Zweli: do you want a sniff.
Me: no, thank you.

I tried to ignore him and watch that stupid romance movie, I didn’t get these
movies how does a person just fall stupidly in love at first sight? And why do the
“soon to be love birds” just freeze when they meet each other. Whoever writes
these things should get a grip on reality, I mean nobody ever 'malfunctions' or had
a glitch when they meet a person no matter how beautiful or handsome he/she
is, I find it funny how they describe each other they're descriptions are so detailed
and they are so exaggerated to the point where I think the other person is a
cartoon character for example rather than saying he has a mouth they exaggerate
and say he had lips that reminded me of my grandmothers spongecake— soft like
a warm summer cloud.
I heard Zweli pulling a few times and he went quite. I changed my mind, he wasn’t
going to have all the fun alone to add the movie was probably going to end in
them riding a horse setting off into the sunset. When I opened the door, Zweli
was leaning on it, he hit the ground with blood coming from his nose. He was
taking deep breathes and was shaking.
Me: Zwe— oh shit!
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Chapter 6
He wasn't dead, yet, he still had a pulse but it was weak. Great! I had to pick him
up and take him to hospital, I had invited the Zikalala drama into my life again. As
if I didn't warn him, I told him to not overdo it yet look, he was making me feel
like I was his mother. If he died then it was to be blamed on me and his family
would say that I was the bad influence but truly speaking I was the one who 'tried'
to stop him. When I got to the hospital I was panicking and I drove into the
entrance where ambulances enter, which was a better decision than driving into
the actual hospital or into the staff parking. How slow were these people? I know
I didn’t have the ambulances siren but they should’ve been there as soon as I
drove in. Again I had to carry him into the hospital, if Zweli knew how heavy he
was then he wouldn't have overdosed, he weighed about a hundred kg. I had to
pull him out of the car by his shoulders. His weight became lighter, I guess one of
these nurses finally saw me and thought to assist me. They took him to the ICU or
was it the theatre room I don't know because I stopped listening when the doctor
said he was stabilised apparently someone thought that he could handle all the
drugs in the world by himself, umona wonke loyo.
I had to call his family, to tell them that their son thought he was Mr. Macho and
thought he could handle all the drugs in the world at one time.
Me: sawubona, am I talking to Zweli's relative?
Her: ohh! Wnezeni ke manje?

Ah! Turbo! It was mother, this woman seemed like the type to play the blame
game and blame me for Zweli's condition.
Me: Zweli's in hospital, he had a drug overdose.

She started crying and screaming, just reminded me of my father at mama's
funeral, some people are dramatic.
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Me: he's fine though, he's in Rondebosch hospital.

Was it bad that I wanted to leave? He was stable and the Zikalala’s knew he was
in hospital so it was fitting that I left. It was late and the whole area must have
had load shedding because when I left the hospital the only lights I could see were
the lights of the cars passing. I went back to my car, I forgot to say I bought a car! I
was drunk when I did it, but even when I’m drunk I still have good taste. I got in
my car after, I had to stand there waiting for an ambulance to get out of my way, I
was surprised by how patient l was. The ambulance finally moved after getting
the woman in labour out, seeing that woman made me cringe, I couldn’t imagine
giving birth. I was prepared to make my way back to my penthouse. Doubt started
to flood my mind, what if Zweli's family didn’t come, he ran away maybe Khizeni
was going to stop them from going to see him. I stopped the car and I became
undecided, I didn't know if I should go to my penthouse or if I should stay. I
decided to leave and go take a bath telling myself I might come back if I felt like it,
the mere fact that I didn't I leave him to die was kindness. I started my car again
and as I backed it out, I heard a crash. I stay inside the car for a few seconds
taking deep breaths, when I come out of the car my whole bumper was ruined.
The person from the other car came out too.
Me: look what you did!

He was talking on his phone, it was a male, I could tell from the voice, how rude of
him to ignore me and act like he couldn’t hear me. I walked up to him and I took
his phone from his hand had threw it to the other end of the street. I wasn't angry
before but since he was trying to ignore me and his mistake, I thought the man
was the type to run away from debt.
Him: calm down!
Me: calm down! Well excuse me you just hit my car!

He kept on saying calm down which made me more infuriated, I was sure he did it
to everyone when he was trying to run away from trouble. He held my shoulders
trying to keep me away from him, I told him numerous times to not touch me but
he didn't stop so I was forced to protect myself and I had to punch him, to protect
myself.
Him: what is wrong with you!
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Me: you hit my car! And your tried to molest me afterwards, no shame!
Him: I've been waiting for you to move from the road for nearly ten minutes but
you've been moving backwards and forwards undecidedly.
Me: oh! So you're a pro at this, now you're blaming me, I'm sure you're a con-
artist just looking for money.
Him: what? no! Let's calm down, think rationally and talk man to man.
Me: and now you're verbally harassing me! I am going to s-u-e! y-o-u!
Him: buthi, let's be serious you're the con-artist here, why was your car just
standing in the middle of the road. I should go to the police and report you for
intentionally trying to trap me into paying you money and harassing me
afterwards, which I have full evidence of in the hospital’s CCTV footage.
He walked away, towards the hospital. I thought about it and realised I was in the
middle of the road and I did throw his phone across the street and I also punched
him, so I might have just a little fault in the whole situation. Although he also
called me a man.
Me: hey! Yey! Sir, listen!

I wasn't sure if he was looking this way or if he was still walking away, all this time
I was looking at a black blobby shadow.
Me: if I give you R15 000 will you forget about this?
Him: now you're trying to bribe me?

He laughed a little, I didn’t want to deal with him in court, he’d just laugh and
soften the judge, his laugh was beautiful.
Me: okay let's say R20 000.
Him: no.
Me: I’ll double it, R40 000.
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The electricity came back and the street lamps lit up again, I was expecting a sorry
from him for calling me a man. Instead he stared but I was staring back at him.
Under the dim streetlight, he looked like an African clay figure moulded by a
million fingers of perfection, painted in rich golden brown with eyes as dark as his
persona and lips so beautiful you'd swear they would speak no evil. I was still
stuck in the movie I watched the day before, but if I was some weird Shakespeare-
like poet that's how I'd describe him, but I was not star struck.
Him: no.
Me: R50 001... My father is a big businessman…
Him: well I will accept 50 001... Evenings out with you.
Me: uyahlanya!
Him: that was a joke I don’t want your money and I'm sorry I called you a man,
you punch like one.
Me: Thank you and I'm sorry about your phone.

I felt like I was a bad person because I watched as a tow truck came and it was
towing his car. I felt like he deserved it, my bumper had a dent in it and his was
perfectly fine. It wouldn't be fair if I had to pay to fix that dent and he would just
stroll away with no damages to his car to pay for. It was kind of funny watching
him in disbelief when he finally saw the car being pulled away.
Him: You're really bad person you kno–
Me: bye.
I got in my car and prepared myself to drive away and leave him.
Him: wait! So you're going to leave me here after my cars been towed and you
destroyed my phone?
Me: yes.
And like that I left the poor guy in the middle of the street. It was like crashing
into that guy gave me good luck, I got a call from Lakhiwe. I had started doubting
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if he would call or not. It funny because he said exactly what I expected him to
say. I couldn’t believe he’d leave his pregnant wife, for a night out with a stranger.
I stayed up all night planning how I’d kill him, I wanted it to be so painful for him
that he’d wish he never met me.
Evening came, I had set a table for Lakhiwe and I. I don’t know how to cook so I
ordered food from a sushi place close by, I hate sushi, why are we eating
uncooked meat? Or it’s because just don’t like fish. I wasn’t going to feed that
murderer, the dinner had to be believable. I was waiting for Lakhiwe to knock,
when my phone rang, I quickly answered worried he was cancelling.
Me: hello!
Voice: hi, it’s Makhosazana, I mean Queen. Queen as in Zweli’s cousin, I can’t
reach him on his phone, where is he?
Me: he’s in hospital.
Queen: wait why? Did Ngema's men find him!?
Me: no, he had an overdose, but he’s ok.
Queen: when he wakes up tell him Ngema's waiting for him.

She ended the call, I couldn’t care less what was going on in Zweli’s life. There was
a knock on the door, before I could get to it and open it, Lakhiwe just barged in.
Me: You’re late.
Lakhiwe: my wife was having one of her pregnancy tantrums, since I’m here,
asishone khona ke.
He touched me and I felt like throwing up, he was rushing to kiss me, pulling me
closer to him, I pushed him away.
Lakhiwe: Kanti sizoyenzani la?
Me: drinks first.
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I had my glass of wine in my hands waiting for him to drink his. The drink had a
poison in it, the poison worked in a way in which the person felt they were being
eaten inside out, by next week Lakhiwe would be dead, or at least that’s what the
person I got it from said. Lakhiwe picked it up, he was talking too much for my
own liking, he swirled the drink around bringing it up to his nose and smelt it.
Me: cheers!
It got close to his mouth, I watched waiting for him to drink it.
Voice: knock! Knock!
He pulled the drink away from his mouth, walking towards the door to open it.
Lakhiwe: you expecting anyone?
Me: no.
I was pissed, asking myself who would have the worst timing ever! Lakhiwe
opened the door, in came Zweli's mother carrying a few bags with her. Lakhiwe
looked confused, Zweli’s mother, I could tell was angry no— infuriated. I had
spent so much time working on the mirder and when Lakhiwe was about to take
the drink to his death Zweli’s mother showed up, I didn’t know what she was
doing there I thought she was going to be with her son who was in hospital.
Zweli’s mother: oh! Magosha! While my son is in hospital you're here having
dinner dates with...
Lakhiwe walked out, leaving me with an angry mother.
Me: Ma, I have a name, I’d appreciate it if you use it.
Zweli’s mother: I'm not your mother and I swear my child would have never taken
drugs if it wasn't for you and your influence, sure uZweli drinks a little but drugs is
something he'd never do, if oZikalala find out about this…
Me: I guess you don't know your angel son then. Hey, the door is right behind you
thank you, bye.
She came in throwing all her bags on the sofa and started eating the food. How
rude are people, I would never walk into somebody’s house or place uninvited.
Zweli's mother: have you told anyone else ukuthi uZweli usesibhedlela?
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She picked up the glass of wine, nearing it to her lips, sure I didn’t like the woman
but I wasn’t going to allow her to die, then I’d be serial killer, killing anybody
without reason.
Me: no!
I ran across the room to get the glass out of her hands, at the last moment I
pushed the glass out of her hands, leading it to fall while I almost fell on Zweli's
mother.
Zweli’s mother: uyahlanya yin ntombazane ndini!
Me: I don’t think the Zikalala’s would appreciate to know you’ve been drinking at
strangers houses.
Zweli's mother: why not.
Me: what if it was poisoned? you should have drank it because it’s clear you want
to die.
She pulled out her small handgun.
Zweli’s mother: you tried killing my son now you’re trying to kill me?
I had hid a gun under the table for Lakhiwe, I pulled it out, facing it towards her. I
had, had enough of the Zikalala’s drama and I was apologizing too much for being
nice, she seemed surprised I even had a gun. I cocked the gun tightening my grip,
she knew I was about to shoot, she stood up and took her bags to Zweli’s
bedroom, I took two pills with the wine on the table.
Zweli’s mother: Nhlalo, please drive me to the hospital.

I was finally getting back the respect I was giving, she asked nicely so I agreed
even though I wasn’t completely sober. We left for the hospital afterwards. No
wonder Zweli was going crazy his mother talked too much, she spoke for the
whole trip.
We got there she always so nervous, Zweli didn't die the day before and he
probably wasn’t going to die. She sat down on the chair next to him and started
crying. It was sad because Zweli didn’t get to see how bad his mother was hurting,
if it were my mother then I'd never use another drug in my whole life but It
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wasn’t my mother, so I took another pill because I felt so drained, I felt like I
needed a shot of Heroin but Zweli was the one who knew where to get it.
I got back into the room she was still crying, it was sad before but now it had
turned dramatic.
Her: tell me, what do plan to be in the future?
Me: I don't know.
Her: so you’re planning on fooling my son into believing that’s you’re carrying his
child again, so you can live off his inheritance? But, I mean you and my son, what
do you plan to be in the future?
I thought that this be the other way around, I mean like most normal people the
girls parents ask the boy these questions.
Me: I don't know.
Her: well you better take care of him, I know he can be a little irresponsible
sometimes and he's a screw up, but be patient with him and love him he'll come
around. Let's pray.
She held my hand, and she started praying, it was heartfelt no matter how odd
the woman was she loved her son. It was fine until she overdid it, she prayed for
nearly an hour if not more.
I decided to leave, when I got to my car I felt something called guilt, I couldn’t
believe that I left a guy in he middle of the road with no phone. Thinking about
phones I left mine, I quickly went back to Zweli's room to fetch it on my way back
I saw the guy I left on the middle of the road, he was looking at me so there was
no dodging him.
Me: creep are you following me?
Him: no I work here, how crazy do you think I am?
Me: why would I think you're crazy?
Him: first of all your left me to die.
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Me: in the middle of the road! It's not like you were in the middle of nowhere,
you could have called someone and asked for a lift.
Him: wow, why did I not think of that... Wait, I could have done that if you didn't
throw my phone away.
Nurse: doctor Langa, your 12 o'clock is here.

I was surprised when I found out he was a doctor, I thought he was a nurse.
Me: you work here! As a doctor?
Him: no I'm a patient and my name is Doctor. Of course I'm a doctor.
Me: so doctor Langa why are you following me?
Him: I'm flattered that you think I might follow you but I have better things to do.
He seemed like he was in a rush, so I walked away I thinking of how I was going to
enjoy bothering him.
I got to my place. As I planned to sleep I remembered that I was hungry. It was

too late or order anything and I was low in veggies there was a few eggs in the
fridge, I had to watch a tutorial on how to cook an egg. How did people even do
this! I messed up the first one when I added too much cooking oil and added the
egg while the oil was still cold, I didn't realise how difficult cooking was and some
housewives also had to clean and wash dished, thuli my current cleaner should
get paid more. I finally made an "ok" egg while I was preparing to eat it when
Lakhiwe called.
Me: hi, I'm surprised you called after what happened last time.
Lakhiwe: what happened last time was uncalled for, so I was thinking that we
could meet up, somewhere else.
Me: sure I'll pick the place, I'll send you the name of the place but I'm busy this
week I'll call you next week to tell you the name of the place.
The next day I went to the hospital to check on Zweli, I should be honest I only
went there to see Dr Langa, I really enjoyed bothering him, he was like a toy for
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me. I couldn't find him to the point where I had to go to ask a nurse where he was
that's when I learnt that he had his own workplace apparently he only came there
to see a relative of his and other patients. I drove there, I was going to a long
extent to bother him.
Receptionist: do you have an appointment?
Me: no, the doctor and I have something we need to sort out.
Receptionist: well you can't go in there without having an appointment.
Me: watch me.

I went inside, he didn’t look happy to see me, the look on his face was hilarious.
Me: so this is your office?

I sat down and made myself comfortable.
Doctor Langa: please get your feet off my table, that very rude of you.
Me: okay, make me.
Doctor Langa: why are you here?
Me: I just came to see my favourite person to bother.
Doctor Langa: well this person is calling the police.
Me: wait I'll leave, jeez what's your name anyways.
Doctor Langa: Harry
Me: I'm Harriet and were meant to be together.
"Harry": Joseph
Me: Josephine we're still meant to be together.
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"Joseph": Garry
Me: Carry we're still meant to be together.
"Garry": Victor
Me: Victoria
"Victor": Lewis
Me: Louise
"Lewis": Jacob
Me: Jacobeth
"Jacob": Jeffrey
Me: Jeffina
"Jeffrey": Adam
Me: Adamant... I'm Adamant that we're meant to be together.
Him: and I'm Adamant that you're leaving now.

When I raised my head I saw a security guard I stood up by myself and walked
out, knowing I was coming back the next day. I wasn't hitting on him I was just
bothering him.
The rest of my day just flied by without me noticing and next morning I found
myself on the same seat again, he wasn't in the room so I made myself
comfortable on his seat. I got bored and I started taking into detail how cosy the
room was, the couch next to his chair was so soft and relaxing, I had now moved
and sat on it then again why did he have a couch here?
A voice: why do you like bothering people?
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Me: it's in my nature to do so, I don't bother everybody I just bother you because
you damaged my car.
Him: kanti this is what it's all about!
Me: that's the last time you'll be a con-artist and try to run away from the your
debt.
Him: didn't you watch my car being towed and wasn't it you who threw my phone
across the street? How am I the con-artist here, I'm saving you from paying.
Me: oh, like a con-artist you blame your mistakes on other people, it wasn't my
fault that you're phone broke it's not my fault it's cheap.
He pulled my phone from my hand and threw it out of the window, I thought he
had nerves to do that.
Him: look your expensive phone broke, kanjani? I thought you said expensive
phones don't break.
Me: do you have any idea how much that phone costs? I'm going to take this
cheap table of yours and sell it.
A few seconds later I regretted saying that, I didn't expect the table to be this
heavy.
Him: mahogany, all you woman are the same, you like nagging about things that
don't matter, I chose to leave you and pay my towing fee myself and I didn't want
a cent from you for breaking my phone but you're ignoring all of that and you're
busy bothering me about a silly little dent that wouldn't have happened if you
weren't thinking on the road. I should be pressing charges on you for verbal
abuse and trespassing on private property. I should really get a board stating right
of admission reserved.
Me: look at you being sexist, so I'm like all woman, okay and like all woman I'm
going to prove you wrong.
I picked myself and my arrogance up and walked out. I wasn't going to nag him
about throwing my phone out of the window like most woman and I wasn't going
to scream and go threw a mental breakdown like most woman but like Nhlalo, the
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person I am, I was going to calmly walk out buy a new phone and after all of that
prove his ass wrong. He thought he was so smart just because he was a therapist
and wore glasses.
That night I got busy thinking about how I'd prove him wrong, what unexpected
things I could do to prove him wrong. Which led to me sending flowers to him
next morning, think about it, do woman really send men flowers? Never! That's
why I sent them to him.
At midday I was in Mr Langa's office again, I came to check of he enjoyed the

flowers and I also came to get an apology for him being sexist. He came in signing
at the sight of my presence at the same moment I smiled.
Doctor Langa: why are you here?
Me: sit you look stressed, why do you feel so angry all the time?
Doctor Langa: are you trying to play therapist? Because if you are then you're not
respecting my profession.
Me: I'll leave as soon as I'm done, now sit down.
Doctor Langa: what am I supposed to say? I have stress because there's a girl
following me and sending me things like a weirdo, I think she's obsessed over me
actually I(I stopped listening)
Initially my hand was massaging the stress out of him until it, moved from his
shoulder, I didn't notice it was moving until I felt him breathe, I didn't stop, it was
like his lips were calling me. I wasn't doing it intentionally it's just that it was
driven by an energy I couldn't explain. In a few seconds my whole body was
overcame by this energy and I found my lips nibbling their way to his, while my
body made it's way onto his. I was on him with my lips close to his while I untied
his buttons, he seemed awkward like always, but I could feel his hands lifting my
t-shirt and his fingers running up my waist, he kept on shrugging his shoulder and
he looked really cute when he fixed his glasses. He took off my t-shirt and threw it
aside. When his shirt was fully off, my fingers went down his chest, I stopped
when I felt a difference in skin texture. I pulled away from what was about to be
a kiss and he seemed to snap out of it too.
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Me: now would most woman do that?

I took my t-shirt and wore it again, while he sat up, hiding covering the part with
the different skin with his arm, I believe aliens exist and I was already trying to
figure out what he was hiding or if I had uncovered his alien form. It looked like he
was burnt.
Doctor Langa: that doesn't prove anything.
Me: well then have a nice day without your shirt and nice abs by the way.
He actually didn’t have abs but I said that to bother him . I took his shirt and left,
he didn't say anything, I came there to bother him and the fact that he wasn’t
bothered by that felt wrong by me. On my way back to my penthouse I couldn't
help but notice the scent of his shirt, soft yet masculine. When I got to my
penthouse I sat on my couch the whole day binge-watching
how to get away a the murder, next to me was 3 rows of coke, a glass brandy and
a bottle of whiskey and sniffing his shirt. It went from just sniffing it to wearing it
and imagining all sorts of things I could do with Doctor Langa. I was high so I don’t
know what I was thinking when I sent him my bra to his office.
The next day I came into his office and sat down on the couch and waited for him,
it's funny how he was never in the room. He came in and the whole room filled
with his scent.
Him: not today! I have a patient coming here and I don't appreciate you being
here.
Me: sawubona nawe, yerr.
Doctor Langa: please leave and take your undergarment with you. And you and I
have to have this understanding that I work here and you and I are not friends.
I've been trying to keep my cool but you just don't understand! Thatha izinto
wakho ungiphumele!
Me: no. I didn't come to bother you, I want you to be my therapist.
Doctor Langa: no, but my receptionist can refer you to a better therapist as a
matter of fact.
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He pushed a button and his receptionist came in, I grew a little nervous because
he was angry my intention wasn't to make him angry it was just to annoy him… on
the upside that day I finally saw he wasn't a robot.
Her: Mr Lang—
Doctor Langa: you're fired and I'll be filing a restraining order against you, now get
out of my office. Please.
I went back to my car and I waited for him there, I was already parking next to his
car. I know this was really pressing his buttons but seeing him angry was just a
funny sight to die for. When he came out 2 hours had passed but I had nothing
better to do.
Doctor Langa: I'm ignoring you now.

He opened the door of his car and I knew he was going to just going to leave so
before he got in I blocked him.
Me: I need therapy.

He looked so pissed.
Doctor Langa: okay tell me then why do you need therapy?
Me: I'm sure you don't ask all your patients that question.
Doctor Langa: that's because not all my patients follow me to my car, steal my
shirts and send me their bra's, you don't need therapy you're just a crazy girl
looking for attention.
Me: that's why I need therapy! Because I'm crazy.

He just pushed me out of the way just like that and drove away, I didn’t know why
I was drawn to him so much, yes I knew the feeling wasn’t mutual but I was going
to throw myself at him until he finally catches me. Afterwards I headed to the
hospital I had been a while since I had been there, I should be honest hospitals
creep me out, people die there and what if they’re ghosts are there too (I happen
to believe in those), I make my best efforts to not go to the hospital at night. If I
die without fulfilling my purpose with a person, I'd make sure I haunt someone
until they’re crazy.
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The next morning I was preparing to meet Lakhiwe, the date was set as I stepped
out I found an envelope on my doorstep, when I opened it, it was a restraining
order from doctor Langa, so I might have pushed it when I took his shirt. I didn’t
have time for that now, I had to go meet up with Lakhiwe.
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Chapter 7
It was an old abandoned warehouse, it was convenient and on my way there I

didn't see any other cars on the road, nobody would ever think of wondering
around there. There was a rusty iron chair in the middle, which was going to really
help me because I found it easier to tie a person to a chair than tying them to a
pole. I brought a few torture tools with me. I set everything, I had my ropes,
knives, gun, a large dish with water, a car battery and paraffin. I heard a car
pulling up, that put a smile on my face, I heard his footsteps approaching the door
and instead of Lakhiwe it was his wife. What was she doing there!
Her: I knew it! That bitch was cheating on me.

She was about to turn back when I attacked her and tied her up. She was still
screaming, my plan changed I was expecting Lakhiwe but since I had his wife with
me, I could use that to my advantage.
Me: sawubona, nawe, what is up with you not greeting people, damn it's rude.
Her: ufunani Kimi?
Me: I just want your husband not you, you're safe all this is meant for him.
Her: why would you want to hurt him, he's done nothing wrong, please let me go.
Me: is it a boy or a girl?
Her: ...it's a girl.
Me: congratulations, I'm sure you'll make a great mother, don't worry I'm not
going to harm you I just want your husband. You know you should talk to him
more because he's been keeping that he and his troop of friends killed my mother
and my sister. So imagine seeing your child dead, imagine seeing your mother die,
wouldn't you want to revenge?
Her: but my husband has nothing to do with this! So please let me go.
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Me: have you noticed that mark on his shoulder it looks like a scratch if you look
at it clearly it looks like an N.
Her: so what if he has that it doesn't mean that he murdered anybody. I know him
and he would never murder or harm anyone.
Me: okay then let's call him here so I can prove you wrong but if you scream I’ll be
forced to kill you.
I took her phone and made the call.

Lakhiwe: babe, I told you I’ll be late tonight, I have a meeting I need to attend.
Me: it’s Nhlalo, I have your wife with me here.
Lakhiwe: Nhlalo… Ngiyaxolisa... that I didn't come there but don't tell her anything
please make up a lie or something.
Me: I won't say anything if you come fetch her now, I'm waiting.
I was really getting excited things were finally falling into place. By the time
Lakhiwe got there his wife had really calmed down and we talked for a long while,
apparently she wanted to divorce him and take all his money along with her, so I
made her an even better offer I would give her R5 million and she'd disappear
along with everything I had already told her. She left before he got there.
Lakhiwe came in running and looking around for his wife.

Lakhiwe: Sanele! Asihambe!... Sanele!
Me: she's not here, it's just you and I.
Lakhiwe: I thought you said you have my wife here, Sanele!

I stood up with a gun in my hands and walked around him.
Me: she left, now I can have you all to myself.
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He reached into his jacket taking out a gun, he thought he was smart but I was
fast. I cocked my gun and shot him in his left knee, he scream falling to the floor
and dropped his gun. I kicked it away from him.
Lakhiwe (stuttering from pain): Wenondindwa! Uphi unkosikazi wami?!
Me: she left, this is the exact reason why you shouldn't fall in love, it makes you
weak.
Lakhiwe: I didn't do anything to you, I’m just a mechanic making ends meet.
Me: stand up and I swear if you try anything funny I'll show you shit in one
second.
He stood up and allowed me to tie him up, he was in tears and I hadn’t even
started with him, the excitement and thrill tingled all over my body, I felt I had to
share it, I punched him in the midsection with fists covered in chains. He was in so
much pain yet it was incomparable to what my mother had to go threw.
Lakhiwe (in a breathless voice): I promise I didn't do anything.

The was a large dish with water next to him. Him saying he didn't do anything was
a mockery of my mother's life. I pushed him forward and his head fell into the
water, I was prepared to leave him to drown but without him I had no lead. I
pulled his head up allowing him to breathe.
Me: are you saying that you didn't kill my mother!?
Lakhiwe: ngyafunga ngyagomela angikaze ngabhulala umuntu.

I pushed his head back into the water. He had guts to lie but he didn’t have a leg
to stand on in this situation and if I didn’t get my answers soon I was shoot him.
Me: did you or did you not shoot my sister! Kidnapped my mother only to make
her suffer before she died!?
I pulled his head out, he came out coughing out water, then took a deep breathe
before clicking his tongue, I was done begging him to talk. In anger I kicked chair
and he fell.
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I had the gun in my hand but I was trying to wrestle my mind so I could shoot him.
A part of me grew guilty that I was about to take away a father from an innocent
unborn child, I was sure he didn't think about that when he killed Lethu. I was so
confused I knew I could shoot him but my conscience wasn't going to let me, I was
barely coping with killing the twinkling star. I had a sudden headache, I
remembered that I didn't have a shot of heroin, I couldn't do it in my right mind-
set, my hands began shaking before I felt a heavy pain in my stomach, I reached
for my bag, crawling to it while trying to overcome the pain, the bag dropped and
I took my last bit of the cocaine I had. The pain eased and I stood up again picking
up my gun and turning my attention back to Lakhiwe who was screaming out for
help. I pulled the chair back up.
Me: you know what I'm going to do next I'm going to kill you and after that I'm
going to go after your darling wife and I'll kill her too.
I cocked the gun while it was facing his forehead.
Lakhiwe: okay! I did it please don't hurt my child.

I shoved the gun into his mouth while pressing my knee on his groin and holding
his neck with my other hand.
Me: why did you do it?

He mumbled out a few words, I couldn't believe he was sweating so much and he
was crying too, I felt something wet on my knee, he wet himself, then I pulled
away, I didn’t think it was pee, it's smelt a bit off then I realised, he shit himself.
Me: disgusting! It's fun murdering people neh? Look at you, uzinyele, you can't
even face the consequences of your actions.
Lakhiwe: I'm sorry, it was a mistake, Cela uxolo!
Me: tell me everything you know about that night.
Lakhiwe ( stuttering): it.. was.. I.. my.. a friend of mine told me to join them and
that if I did I'd get money, Cela uxolo! Bengiyidinga, I needed the money my wife
needed treatment so she wouldn't have a miscarriage, I joined in. We didn't mean
to kill your them I swear! We made a mistake, we were meant to just kidnap your
father but your mother saw us and things went south from there.
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Me: so you decided to kill my sister and mother!
Lakhiwe: we didn’t kill the little girl.
Me: bitch don’t lie to me!
Lakhiwe: I swear Kevin shot her shoulder and left her there. Please let me go.
Sanele needs me
Me: nwe-nwe-nwe talk who else was there I want names.
Lakhiwe: it was Kevin… I don't know the others names.
Me: You better start remembering because if you don't I'll kill you.
Lakhiwe: I can't tell you because if I tell you then they'll go after my wife and kill
her.
I just got so infuriated my mind got busy coming up with ways to make him feel
the worst pain of his life. I picked up the blade with my other hand, I was going to
get the names even if it meant cutting off all his fingers and toes.
Me: if you don't start speaking now then I swear I'll cut all of your fingers off.
He shook his head and I cut off his left pinkie, he scram even more when he saw
his blood gushing out.
Me: what about now?

He shook his head again. I cut off his ring finger, ignoring the ring.
Lakhiwe: please stop!

He didn’t want to talk, even after I cut of two of his fingers off. I had to go
extreme. I forced his feet into the bathtub then I connected to the battery,
electrocution was going to get the truth out of him, after a few seconds I stopped,
he knew he was going to die, he knew dying with the truth would be the best
decision so I had to make him realise he was going to be leaving his family
unprotected.
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Me: listen if you don't talk today then these people will probably kill you and your
wife someday, but I promise you if you talk today I'll kill you but I'll make sure
your wife and your child have their best life, think about it, would you rather have
your whole family die or yourself.
Lakhiwe: okay, there were two other people I only know one of their names, it's a
guy named Msizi... I think his surname is Nkosi, that's all I know.
Me: you're a great guy but you just made a mistake. Well you'll have to pay for
that mistake.
I set him alight after that, I watched him scream at the top of his lungs and his
skin melting off his face and his brains coming out of his ears, a delightful sight for
me and it was music to my ears when his head exploded, I hoped it’d make me
forget those gunshots that replayed in my mind, as an unforgettable tune that
haunted me, kept me up all night repeating. I took off the plastic bags(so none of
my clothes could be stained with his blood) and gloves after watching his body
burn completely, and I bunt those too.
I made my way back to my place but before that I had to withdraw the money I
was going to give to Sanele. I was on my way to the drop off point for the money
when I got a call from Zweli's mother demanding me to come to the hospital, I
turned back and went there, I am such a good person.
When I got there Zweli was up, I didn't see the need to call me and make it seem
like an emergency, I had plans too, it was awkward with his mother in the room
and I didn't know what to say.
Zweli's mother: well, I need to go to there bathroom, don't miss me too much.
She left the room.

Me: so... You fine? Actually, What were you thinking! You know you nearly died
and that mother of yours would have blamed it on me, she already thinks that I'm
this demoness that all of a sudden possessed you and forced you to do drugs and
do all the shit you've been doing.
Zweli: shh... I'm alive nje, I’ve been nagged enough by my mother, nawe
usuzongibangela isicefe fuseg just shut up, nx.
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Me: Voetseg nawe you ungrateful piece of shit.

I left him there before I finished of what the drugs couldn't do. He should’ve been
thanking me for saving his ungrateful ass from dying. On my way out I saw an
elderly woman it looked like she fell, no matter how angry I was, the one thing my
parents thought me above most things is respect, I give people respect and most
of the time their actions cause me to loose my respect for them. I helped her up
and in all luck she wasn't hurt or anything.
Her: Nkosi ikubusise.
Me: ngiyabonga.
I tried to help her quickly because it looked like it was about to rain, I got to my
car, Zweli and his mother were standing next to it.
Her: Give me the keys! Uzothini sesinetha Lana.

She snatched the keys from my hands, opened the car and quickly loading on all
their bags, that woman was becoming too comfortable to the point where she
thought she could do as she pleases with my things. I turned my head to check if
it was rainy I went to stand where I wasn’t going to get wet while I waited for
Zweli and his mother to pack all their bags. When I looked back, my car was
driving away! I tried stopping it but it was clear Zweli's mother had no intention of
stopping. The drops went from one small drop on my nose to light rain showers. It
was no use just standing in the rain so I started walking to my penthouse and I
swear when I got there I was going to take all of Zweli and his mother’s
belongings and I was going to throw both of them out and let them also get
drenched in the rain, I wished Ngema's men would find them and force Zweli to
get married to Zinzi. I hadn't walked that far when the rain went from light
showers to heavy showers as if timed, I got a call, I was too much of a hurry to
check who it's from.
Me: Nhlalo speaking...

There was a silence and I heard a few breathes in the background even though
that wasn't easy to tell from all the rain slapping onto the ground. "Hello?" I tried
to get threw once more, nobody— I started walking faster since I assumed it was
nights like these that a girl shouldn't be walking out alone, my mind went back to
the moment I stood outside the hotel, I realised that even though it was in broad
daylight I still got into a shady looking car and nobody cared. I mean it’s not any
safer in day than night, I just wished I had something to protect myself with, I left
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my gun in my car, but I had my fists with me. I felt my phone vibrate, the rain had
me drenched to the point where I was cold, I knew that day would be a cold day
but me trying to be a Van Damme I didn't wear a jacket. I got a voice note from a
number I didn’t recognise.
Voice: spontshi-pie
A shaky groan sounded after that, no matter how much I distanced away from my
father I still recognised his voice from any crowd.
Me: ba...(I stopped myself and remembered that he doesn't deserve the gift of
being called this).
My father: I know I haven't been the best father but I thank the heavens that they
gave me a chance to raise a strong girl like you, take car of Muzi and the company
and stay strong, my little soldier... Ngiyakuthanda mntanami.
That led me to thinking he was suffering from amnesia, I heard a gunshot, I wasn't
expecting it I got a shock and dropped my phone, in restlessness I picked it up,
there was a deadly silence, when it got to my ear, I felt how hot my ear had
become. My hands started shaking and my eyes filled with tears. I called the
number.
Me: baba... Baba...
Mama's voice, “Mr Mabizela's phone, hello.”

Me: m…mama uphi ubaba! Ma!
Ma’s voice, “sorry he’s not available right now, he’s married and with his family
you loose flooze!”
No! It couldn't end like this, it couldn’t end like that, I was loosing my breathe. All
the times I'd spent with him came back to me every detail in every moment, the
way he'd pat my back to comfort me when I fell but he'd never pick me up, ever! I
grew to think he hated me for it but he was turning me into his thick skinned
soldier. He taught me that in life nice shouldn't be how people remember me,
truly I’ve been living by those rules ever since. I regretted not saying sorry to him
and thanking him. It's like another part of me was gone, tears welled in my eyes, I
couldn’t let them fall, I wasn’t going to be weak. I remembered my father’s words,
“indoda ayikhali”, he always used to tell my brother that, I couldn’t understand
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why it was only men who couldn’t cry, I convinced myself I wasn’t ever going to
cry then I knew I was just as strong as a man. I felt a sudden shake.
A voice: are you fine.

My eyes were too full of tears to see who it was, but he was perpetually asking
questions. I blinked a few times and it was the Doctor, for once I was in no mood
for him.
Doctor Langa: are you fine?

I found that I couldn't even speak. I managed to masquerade my tears with a
smile.
Doctor Langa: are you crying?

I nodded my head.
Doctor Langa: it's okay to cry.

In those few words I slugged myself over his shoulders, allowing myself to be
vulnerable and I cried going back on my father’s words. I cried… well I think I did,
there was rain running down my cheeks, a few of the drops felt warm on my face,
not sure it was tears or not, but it felt like I was crying. He did what nobody ever
did, “it's okay to cry” words never said to me before, I'd never let myself cry
knowingly, my tears were like the rain— kept contained and when they finally
came down, it became a flood of emotions that had been locked away. I felt idyllic
in his arms, until I heard someone screaming, "Thabo shesha!"
He helped me into his car, the woman screaming was the old lady I helped.
The lady kept trying to console me but I kept on thinking back to the man who
spent his days trying to keep a business afloat and his nights keeping me company
no matter how tired he was. So maybe I didn't give him enough credit, he
basically raised me. I didn’t like the feeling, especially heartache and I knew the
first thing I'd do when I got off was to get high on anything. I got off the car and
Doctor Langa accompanied me to the door of the building.
Thabo: ...you'll be fine?
Me: yeah.
Thabo: I think you’ll be happy to know I’m proposing.
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It felt like I was getting hoi in the gut, I couldn’t put what I felt into words so I
decided it was better to be happy for him or at least fake a smile.
Me: oh, of course I’m happy who’s the lucky girl?
Thabo: I’m not revealing names but I think it’s time I marry her.
Me: goodnight then and good luck.
Thabo: wait. From the first moment I saw you I knew there was something
special, every single second since then I’ve been yearning to taste your lips,
wondering if your touch will get any sweeter, your presence any more precious,
your eyes any more beautiful. Will you marry me?.. making me the happiest I’ve
ever been, will you allow me to give you love, will you walk this path called life
with me… from now till forever?
He was on one knee, I didn’t know if I was dreaming or still alive but it felt so real,
he opened a small box with a ring in it.
Me: what?
Thabo: would you say yes, if someone proposed to you like that? Or should I
change it?
He stood up, putting the ring back into his pocket, I was confused enough—
drained. What he did felt like another punch to the gut.
Me: I’d say yes, goodnight then.
Thabo: I was just nervous and I thought I’d try practicing so thank you and…
goodnight.
I wasn’t going to tell him what he did wasn’t funny or that he was fucked up, I just
wanted to get inside and get high more than before.
Me: you better leave or gonna get me arrested if you don't move away.
Thabo: sorry, I forgot about that but if you need anyone to talk to just call me.
He gave me his business card. When I got to my floor the door was locked, I had
to wait there for minutes and I knew there was somebody inside. I swear I was
leaving this place and I was going back home. When they finally opened, there
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was only Zweli’s mother there, I didn’t even bother to ask where Zweli was. I got
in the bathroom, took the whole packet of coke and sniffed it up my nose. I
started shaking and I had a flash of darkness.
When I woke up, if I was asleep, I was in a room that was all white! Oh no this
couldn’t happen to me again. When I tried to stand up— I couldn’t. When I looked
down my legs were strapped onto the stool and my arms were in a straight jacket.
I felt sick for a second then nervous, I couldn't move not matter how much I tried
to wiggle myself, this really couldn’t happen again at the thought that I might
have to get out of another prostitution linked kidnapping made me cry. I started
screaming. I was afraid that nobody could hear me. That was when Doctor Langa
came in. He seemed to sigh when he came in, I was more confused than he was,
or maybe he was taking being confused, maybe I trusted someone again and this
was the result of it.
Me: where am I?
Doctor Langa: you're at a mental institution.
Me: what happened?

I tried my best to not show the panic on my eyes.
Doctor Langa: you went crazy, don't you remember? After I dropped you off, you
tried to kill your mother.
Me: I don't have a mother... My mother died, why are you here?
Doctor Langa: they found my business card in your pocket, so thank you for
getting me into this thing of yours.
He got angry and frustrated, he stood up angrily, I knew he was about to leave.
Me: ok, I'm sorry, get me out, please, I'm not crazy.
Doctor Langa: I'll see what I can do.
Two days passed and I swear that place would’ve driven me crazy from the people
there. I could not stand the way the nurses spoke to me, no matter how much I
told them I was not crazy they are adamant that I was, I refused to drink the pills
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because I knew I was not crazy yet, because I didn’t want to admit I was not crazy
the nurses saw it fit for me to keep the straight jacket on. I couldn’t stand the
people, especially the psycho who’d been braiding my hair for the last hour.
Her: sh! Baby it'll end soon, mommy's won't hurt you.
She’d been saying that for the past hour and I couldn’t stand it. Honestly,
couldn’t. One of the nurses came up to me, pulled me away from the woman,
they untied me and after signing a few papers they let me go, I guessed they
figured that I wasn’t crazy. When I came out doctor Langa is standing by the gate.
He had an umbrella with him, it was raining, it had been raining since the night
my father died. “The death of Mpiyakhe Mabizela will shake the heavens and
earth they will all mourn the death of a god”, quoted from one of my father’s
books, he was right, the skies must have been mourning his death.
Me: It took you long enough.
Doctor Langa: Wena u-ungrateful.
Me: thank you.

It didn't hurt my pride one bit to say that, because I meant it. He opened the door
of the car for me and I got in.
Doctor Langa: so drugs?
Me: some things are better forgotten.
Doctor Langa: so you choose to do drugs? Mmh.
My mind had become detached from the conversation, as I focused more on the
rain than my words.
Me: no, it's not a choice, you think it's a choice, at one point I also thought it was
a choice but when life happens... Drugs might just be the only think keeping you
sane.
Doctor Langa: I wonder what would have hurt you so badly that you'd put your
life at risk like that.
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Me (with a broken smile on my face): people happen and when people happen
they can really mess you up.
Doctor Langa: I have a feeling you're letting off more than you know.
Me: what? can't a human use for fun?
Doctor Langa: not people like you.
Me: so now that you know me? So what do you know? Let me guess I'm lonely
and I'm hiding that I've been scared for life by an some disgusting pervert?
I got back to my senses and realised that I was talking too much. I tried to brush it
off with a laugh.
I continued: well I mean, what am I some lonely creep? I use because it's a nice
feeling and it adds spice to life, you can join me sometimes since you need spice.
He let out a laugh, I didn't notice this the first time but damn, can someone's
laugh sound so sexy? He stopped he car, I was back there again and I swear I was
going kick that woman out and that son of his, some nerve they have to do what
they did to me.
Doctor Langa: my name is Thabo by the way, not Joseph or Jeff.
Me: Nhlalo not Josephine or Jeffina and thank you.
Thabo: well I pass here on my way home anyways.

He started his engine and left, leaving me here smiling for no damn reason. I
thought I’d get back into my penthouse and kick out Zweli and his mother but I
don't know what happened I suddenly didn't care. I had a lot to do anyways and I
realised that that instead of me being angry keeping quiet made Zweli's mother
unsettled.
The next day I went to give Sanele her money, I spent the whole night planning
where she'd go where the police would never find her and initially never find out
the truth. We met near Gugulethu.
Sanele: where is he?
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I took her phone and threw it across the street (this was becoming a habit).
Sanele: my—
Me: police wouldn't be able to track you, about Lakhiwe... I'm sorry I tried to
talked to him and when I confronted him about it he took out a gun and he
threatened to kill me too. I accidentally shot him, I just wanted to talk him,
everything that was in that warehouse that day was there to scare the truth out
of him but he took the gun... I didn't know it was loaded he pulled the trigger on
himself. I had to burn his body so nobody would suspect anything.
I swear I deserve a bells for that performance although I couldn't make tears I
managed to sound and look broken and traumatised.
Sanele: take me to him, I want to see him.

We got to the warehouse, as soon as she saw his skeleton, she cried and she cried
threw the whole process of burying him. I did most of the work after all she was
pregnant. When I had fully buried him she got on her knees, she seemed so
hopeless and broken.
Sanele: ulale ngoxolo sthandwa sami, Ngwenya.

I admired the way she understood her husband deserved what he got, I thought
she didn't love him but what I witnessed was love, I made me wonder why she
allowed me to kill him if she still loved him.
Me: you have to leave. The money is in the briefcase, if you ever tell another
living soul about this I’ll be forced to get rid of you and your child.
She stood up and she got in the car and drove off disappearing into the shadows
of the night so did I. I was also going forget what I knew of this or even knew her.
When I got back to my penthouse all my clothes were outside. That old hag
thought I was her son! She thought she could kick me out of my own penthouse! I
unleashed the anger I had on the door almost breaking it down.
Me: open the fuckin door or are your fingers too damn wrinkled to open!?... Are
you dying of a heart attack or is it just you trying to finger your wrinkly ass vagi!—
Continuously hitting the door until she opened, she looked angry and the slapped
I received had my cheek red and swollen for days.
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Zweli's mother: take your bags and get out of my sight!
Me: what? Are you afraid that I’ll have Zweli sucking my nipples more than yours?
wait… he already did that.
She slapped me again, I didn’t want to fight with her, I just wanted to take a
shower and go to sleep.
Zweli’s mother: this isn’t your apartment anymore! You didn’t pay for it this
month remember!
She slammed the door on my face, I wasn’t sure about what she was saying, I
checked my internet banking app, the shit they told me, my card was frozen. I
thought this to be impossible, nobody could block my bank card… besides Muzi, I
was sure it was a mistake, for the first time in a while I called him.
Me: Muzi... Why is my card frozen?
Muzi: I thought I should stop you before you spend every cent we have, 5 million
Nhlalo! What the fuck are you doing with this money?
Me: I need time to clear my head.
Muzi: while you cleared your head I had to clean up your mess, after you shot my
father!
Me: he's my father too.
Muzi: no!, He isn't. You murdered your father the day you shot him and now I had
to bury him and my sister alone and they thought they had a daughter and a
sister to mourn for them but clearly you don't give a damn about them do you
now Nhlalo!
I walked downstairs so I could wait for a ride so I could see where I was going to
stay.
Me: I wanted to come but I have to co—
Muzi: cha! Nhlalo don't try to lie to me you are a fucking spoilt brat and I won't let
you destroyed MY father's legacy!
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Me: Muzi try to unde—
Muzi: I won't fuckin understand anything Nhlalo! You can stay there and clear
your head for as long as you want and understand one last thing I'm not yo—
I turned around and there was a huge flash of light, I heard a car hooting and the
sound of tyre's against the tar after a hard break and before I knew it I felt like my
body was flying threw the air.
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Chapter 8
I felt like I was in a well rested deep sleep, slowly I started to hear a beeping
noise, like I always do, I moved my hands around but when I tried to, an immense
amount of pain felt through my body, which led me to wake up faster, I was a bit
frightened to see bandages all over my body, although my leg was covered in a
cast.
I felt a hand hold mine... it was Ma, I swear I was in heaven and next to her was
my father, I really believed I was dead.
Me: am I dead?
I blinked and they had disappeared, instead of them there was a nurse who was
looking at me surprised, maybe I sounded out my words, so she was confused as
to why I'd ask if I was dead.
A doctor came in she started checking everything, I've never been checked for
something that much, I felt like they were searching for something and until they
actually found something they wouldn’t stop, a few x-rays had me tired and my
whole body aching from doing nothing the whole day.
Her: hi, can you speak.
What kind of question is that.

Me: yes I can speak.
Her: do you know what's your name?
Me: Nhlalo..
Her: do you remember what happened?

I nodded my head, she stood up and left, I was surprised by how many machines
were surrounding me, you'd swear they were gap between life and death for me.
I wasn't going to try and stress myself thinking about what happened even when
the investigator got there. He asked a lot of questions and I couldn't recall most
things since my mind felt scattered everywhere. He frequently asked me if I
remember seeing the number plate or the colour of the car. I had to explain that I
didn't even know I was hit by a car. Apparently it's a hit and run case.
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Nurses came back and took some scans and I was tired of seeing people who
really didn't care about me, they were all just doing their jobs. I really just wanted
to sleep and maybe even die, and see who'd cry.
As I closed my eyes, I felt someone knocking on my cast. I opened my eye a little

and closed it, it was Thabo and I was tired.
Thabo: how are you?
Me: what do you care?... Did you run me over?
Thabo: no, at least be grateful that I got to you in time.
Me: why'd you help me?
Thabo: I did what anybody else would have done.
Me: how bad is it?
Thabo: you have five broken bones and you might have an injury on your head.
I grinned.
Me: what if I go crazy?
Thabo: then you'll go to a mental asylum.

We carried on talking it was mostly about me and my leg and at some point I fell
asleep — smiling.
When I woke up I felt like I'd only been asleep for 10 minutes, Thabo was talking
to the doctor, which got me worried, eventually they both came in and stood on
either side of the bed.
Doctor: your foot may kill you.

I found this funny and I laughed, thinking of my leg strangling me to death.
She carried on, "the scans show that your left foot needs to be amputated I need
you to..."
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I zoned out, what seemed like a funny joke quickly turned into a harsh reality.
Me: no.. I'm fine and if you give me enough time to heal I'm sure I will.
I was afraid of never walking again, what if I became a cripple and I could never
do anything again. The doctor tried to explain it to me but I couldn't fall out of the
thought of never finding my parents killers if I didn’t avenge my family then I had
nothing to live for.
I looked up and Thabo was there, I couldn't control myself he, he gave me a
reassuring stare and I held his hand letting go of a deep felt sigh, I basically
collapsed on him, clutched onto his hoodie. I was turning into an emotional
wreck.
Thabo: you have to do it or else you're going to die.
Me: not now... Not yet.

My fear was standing right in front of me, I thought I didn't have a fear until then,
I realised that I feared dying before I got to do what actually came to do and I
feared falling and not being able to get up on my own because I wouldn't have a
leg to stand on. Both these fears left me torn between. If I died my revenge would
be left unfinished but if I let them cut off my leg I might be left a incomplete.
Thabo: you can stand on one foot but you don't have another life to spare.
Me: it's easy for you to say, you're not the one whose leg’s getting cut off, I'm
going to have one leg, and what if I fall and I can't stand up on my own?
He raised my face and wore a smile on his.

Thabo: I'll be there to pick you up.
I realised that it was only a foot and I could stand on one foot but I didn’t have
another life. The Doctor came back and I had already signed the papers she had
given to me. They got me to the operation room, the last thing I remember was
getting anaesthesia.
When I woke up I was back in the room I was in before, I was alone, for a second
it actually felt like I could still move my foot and my toes, until I looked down and
half my lower leg was gone along with my foot. Wow, I couldn't believe it, how
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could I still feel my toes if they weren't there, I was reminded of the summers
spent at the beaches in Bora Bora when I used to take walks and with sea sand
under my feet, tickling my feet and going into my toes. How ungrateful I was of
those moments— I might not ever experience again.
Me: well, I'm still alive.
Thabo: and...
Me: and?
Thabo: you'll never bother me ever again?
Me: mxm, I'm not stopping and do you remember my phone? The one you threw
out of your window? I want my phone back with all my contacts in it.
Thabo: now isn't that a little irrational and unfair? I mean you did it first.
Me: well I still want my phone back.
Thabo: you forgot to thank me for taking you to hospital before you died on the
road.
Me: what happened to me, did you try to kill me?
Thabo: I'm not crazy, you were hit by a car and I saw you while I was driving to a
friend's place, you where on the side of the road and you were bleeding. When
you got here doctors did an operation and after that you went into a coma, for a
week and that brings us to now.
Me: thank you.
Thabo: I really thought you were dying but you’ve a fighter.
Me: just like my father taught me to be.
The Doctor and a nurse came in and that changed my bandages.
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Me: so, when is that going to heal?
Her: in the next 8 to 9 weeks but you'll be taking your cast out in 5 weeks after
that you'll need a few sessions of physiotherapy and you'll be fine.
8 weeks went by fast, I only had one person visiting me and somehow out
conversation would always led back to our phones. I wanted to tell Muzi I was in
hospital but I couldn't let go of his words. Eventually all my casts and bandages
were removed, those things were irritating.
"Vuka"
Me: five more minutes.
"I'm leaving you then"

Me: five more minutes.
I was asleep and I knew I was meant to be discharged but not at 7 in the morning.
I enjoy my sleep and I don't like being disturbed from it, but for some reason
Thabo didn’t understand that because I was in his arms as he was loading me into
the wheelchair.
Me: who said I need a wheelchair? I can walk on my own.
Thabo: okay.
I stood up from the wheelchair and the feeling of standing had never felt this
good. I had a smile on my face all the way to his car, sure I was slower than usual.
When I got into his car I realised I had no where to go. I knew I couldn't go back to
Zweli's evil mother. Thabo was the last option I had, I was taught to never depend
on anyone but sometimes in life you have to lean on someone to get back to your
own feet. Talking about feet my artificial leg wasn’t too bad, although I still felt
like I had weak knees.
Me: can.. I stay with you for a few days? The doctor said I need help and I live
alone
Thabo: one week and after that you’ll be paying rent.
Me: fine… did you propose?
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Thabo: yeah, she said yes.
Me: so you got down on one knee and you said want you practiced?
Thabo: I ended up doing it the old school ring in a glass.
Me: she still said yes?
Thabo: you say it like it’s a bad thing.
Me: it’s not! I just thought the proposal I got was perfect.
I made things awkward, he dropped me off at his front gate and left. Not even a
introduction or telling me if I could or couldn’t do things.
When I came into the house I wasn't sure where to go. For a few minutes I stood
in the middle of the living room until I heard voices in the house and I thought I'd
find them and ask. When I found them I couldn't get in the room because they
were getting it on in there. I waited outside the door not wanting to disturb them.
Female: so what's his name?
Male: you already know it's a boy.
Female: a mother can feel it in her, she knows.
Male: My boy's name will be my surname, Nkosi.

I realised that they weren't going to be done soon, so I went to the kitchen and
ate whatever I could find in the fridge. I went into a few rooms and found a
bedroom. The house wasn’t too big so I managed to find my way around. I went
to sleep in that bedroom until the cluttering of pots in the kitchen woke me up.
When went to see what was making them, being half sure it was some thief
stealing.
It was the female, she looked annoyed and well she seemed like she didn’t want
to cook. She should’ve been more like me eat fruits till she's full.
As soon as Thabo came in she put a big smile on her face and carried on cooking.
Her: sawubona my love.
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They were leaning in for a kiss, I didn’t want to see that.

Me: Doctor!
Her: who are you?
Thabo: I forgot to tell you that we're going to be having a visitor but I'm sure
you've already gotten time to talk.
Her: when? Did you come here?
Me: she's your girlfriend?
Her: Can't you tell the obvious? And it’s not girlfriend it’s fiancée.
Thabo: okay, Nhlalo this is my fiancée Denise.

It took me a second to figure out that she was cheating on him. Thabo went
upstairs, I was left staring at Denise and her belly.
Me: and that's Thabo's child?
Denise: who else’s child would it be?

She had suspicion written all over her face and I didn't hide that I knew she was
cheating. We had a stare-off.
Me: I don't know maybe the guy you were with this whole afternoon talking
about what you'd name his child.
Denise: I was all alone this afternoon. Love! I'm sure he must be hungry… and
after that we can help you out after I tell him that you harassed me.
Me: tell him what name you and your lover picked.
Denise: shut up and leave because all you came to do is stir trouble.
Me: was it Nkosi, like his father surname?
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Denise: shut your mouth!

She slapped me, I almost fell, I still had my face bent brushing the pain off.
Me: was the sex nice?
Denise: what?
Me: did-you-enjoy-it when his penis penetrated your vagina?

She slapped me again and I got back up and gave her a good back hand. That was
not the first time I’d been slapped and I’d always been involved in fights while I
was still in high school, which left me with a great deal of experience. She backed
up afterwards looking at me surprised she went upstairs, I went to the bedroom I
slept in waiting for Thabo to storm threw the door and tell me to leave... He
didn't, until he came into the room hours later, he looked drunk.
Thabo: can we talk?
Me: I understand if you don't trust me and you want me to leave I understand.
I was about to stand up and put on my leg when... Oh my goodness! I couldn't
believe it. Thabo kissed me, it was something I wanted to happen but I really
forgot about. His kiss gave me the adrenaline rush I'd normally get from heroine
he carried on while taking off my clothes. At that moment I felt giggly inside, I was
not the type to lay at the bottom like a defenceless chicken, I was emotionally
stuck, with his lips and body on mine, I didn't like the dominance of it, but the
more it went on I started to enjoy it.
Thabo: can I carry on?
I nodded my head, because in all my efforts I couldn't find it to push him away. It
was this thing that I never felt, the kiss felt like a shot of ecstasy but as he
proceeded I realised it wasn't it. It was that feeling I couldn't explain, a high I
couldn’t make out, maybe the best high I ever had. His kisses left a tickle on my
skin, his lips felt the best kisses I'd ever felt. As he came back up about to go all
the way, I remembered that I never saw him put a condom on, I didn’t want to
have children.
Me: condom?
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Thabo: I don't have one it's not like I planned on this happening.
We were both sat back up and he looked embarrassed by it, that just made the
situation even more awkward, thinking about it, it was funny. I was putting my
clothes back on and as I looked across the bed, he was still half naked and I could
not miss that chance. So I rolled over to him and from behind and snuck my arm
around his torso and the other hung from his shoulder. Thabo didn’t seem like the
type to like tattoos but he had them all over from his chest all the way down his
back and to think the only tattoo I had was “warrior” which as tattooed across my
back.
Thabo: how's your foot? No, I mean how's your leg.
Me: first of all that wasn't funny and I'm fine.
Thabo: the other night why were you crying? In the rain.
Me: my father died and I wasn’t crying it was the rain.
Thabo: I'm sorry, crying doesn’t mean having tears coming from your eyes, many
people cry in different ways and that day you were crying.
I wasn’t comfortable with the subject.
Me: your tattoos look great especially the shield and spear.
The subject was weird, he asked me how my father died afterwards.
Me: I don’t know, I got a message from him, I heard a gunshot and he hasn’t
answered his phone ever since or responded to me texts.
Thabo: RIP then.
Me: are you always this stiff? Even when you’re drunk!
Thabo: should I laugh and say he deserved it, should I laugh and say he was a bad
man with many sins and he deserved to die (he grinned, for a second he actually
looked like he meant it), I was showing respect for your father, if I'm stiff then
you're stone.
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Me: I have feelings, and I feel.
Thabo: but you don't express them very well.
Me: why should I, when I can keep you guessing what I'm feeling, and at least I
smile a little, the only emotion you have is anger.
Thabo: woah! You making me sound like an abusive angry person, I'm not like
you.
Me: I'm actually a nice person if you don't piss me off, if you smiled a little more
you'd look nicer and happier, or are you sexually frustrated?
Thabo: I'm going to ignore that, remember the time you punched me?
Me: I'd love to say that was a mistake, but I'm not sorry, you deserved it and you
haven't paid me for the damages and you never apologized.
Thabo: I did apologize and you did too, you should really let go of grudges.
Me: I didn't know I was here for an appointment with Doctor Langa.
You'd swear that guy was a machine, making him laugh would take Trevor Noah
personally telling him jokes. Sure he smiles or grins occasionally but it's like he
didn’t know how to laugh carelessly.
Thabo: so why were you trying to do? kill yourself?
Me: when?
Thabo: you jumped in front of a car remember.
Me: I wasn’t trying to kill myself. That night I was kicked out of the penthouse and
I wasn’t looking when the car hit me.
Thabo: didn’t you tell me you’re a big businessman’s daughter?
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Me: he’s dead. My brother cut me off, something about me overspending.

We went silent, it became awkward. I stood up and went to the bathroom, when I
came back I noticed something under the bed, I picked it up, it was a rubber duck.
Me: who’s toy is this?... Thabo.

He was wearing earphones, he took one of them out, he wasn’t listening and I
assumed it was for the coming baby, I took off my leg and sat a clear distance
away from Thabo.
Thabo: I just found out I’m going to be a father.
Me: congratulations.
Thabo: I’m not ready to be a father, I don’t even know the first thing about caring
for such a small life.
Me: you’ll figure it out.
Thabo: I should be old enough to know these things… who doesn’t know shit
about parenting, I just don’t wanna mess up. I should be happy about the news
but it feels like a nightmare.
Me: you have no children at all!
Thabo: …no.
We went silent again.
Me: can you laugh?
Thabo: eh? Did you just ask me if I can laugh? Everybody can laugh it just depends
on what they find funny.
I hooked my leg around him, pulled him down and started tickling him. He
actually laughed, after that things became messy when he turned around and
tried tickling me back which failed because I'm not ticklish until he touched my
belly, that’s my weak spot. We got tired, he laid on one side of the bed and I was
on the other side, not touching in any way.
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Thabo: there was this time when my grandmother, left and I was left home alone
I set the house on fire, figuratively, ugogo came back and she chased me across
the yard trying to catch me and it was fun but when I was caught I got the beating
of my life but after that...
He laughed, we laughed his laugh is like melody of perfection, maybe I'm getting
into my head a little… I was telling myself: I really liked to know him better and his
lips, why do they move like that. We eventually sat the whole night talking, he did
most of the talking and I wind up staring at him, I didn’t know half the things he
was talking about, but most of it was about his grandmother whooping his ass
and how she raised him after his parents were murdered. All I could say about my
parents was that they had a lot of love for money and the good things in life.
Next morning, there was a huge noise which I tried to ignore, when I actually
woke up, I saw Denise and before long there were 2 policemen in the room.
Denise: she snuck into our house last night. Her obsession over my fiancé worries
me, she snuck in here and even had the nerve to sleep in the same bed as him.
Officer: are you sure your husband didn't invite her here.
Me: yes he did.
Denise: my fiancé, filed a restraining order against her, just 2 months ago and
she's still here sneaking around our house, what type of police are you arrest her!
She deserved an award for her performance, she was crying and acting like she's
traumatized. I knew it was fear... fear for the truth that I knew of her.
One of the police officer's took out handcuffs, while saying, “you are under arrest
for obstruction of the restraining order filed against you."
Me: you're actually arresting me, I am being wrongly accused, I mean she's clearly
lying!
The policemen didn't look convinced and before they cuffed my other hand I
jumped snatched her purse, threw it on the floor and raised my middle finger
before the police cuffed me. I was forced into the police car and taken to the
police station, where I found out that I'd be going to court soon for not adhering
to the restraining order, theft and breaking in, I understood that I didn't respect
the order but theft and breaking in! I just couldn't understand.
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I was put in a jail cell with other woman most looking like they've been there for
years. I didn’t understand what they wanted us to do here, there was nothing to
do, it was just a small cell with walls and a few beds. I always thought they'd be
TV's in here or something to keep a person entertained instead it felt like the
naughty corner on steroids. Everybody sat in their own space most people sat far
from me. Everyone was (to some point) afraid, this just reminded me of Siseko
and his twisted prostitution ring, I thought I forgotten all of that, my mind
continued to wonder until I found myself thinking of that night and Siseko’s crazy
way of thinking.
Night came and I couldn't pull my thoughts together enough to sleep, there was a
noise I was avoiding too, it sounded like somebody crying, the last time I tried
helping someone in the middle of the night, she died so I was hesitant. After a few
minutes the girl started to silently scream, I thought I would ask her to cry to
herself and I'd finally fall asleep after that. When I turn my body, because she
was right across me, I realised she was being raped! The others person was on top
of her as she was coving herself with the blanket and I could only see a little bit of
the crying girl's face because her mouth was closed by the rapists hand. I got so
angry in the moment, that feeling I had in back when I was kidnapped awoke, I
got up and pushed the person off the crying woman, the woman stood up and ran
to the other side of the room covering herself. The person under the blanket was
another woman, I just got so much more infuriated that I jumped on her and I
beating her face. She eventually pushed me off of her and there was a stare off
between us for a few seconds, she followed by pushing me against the wall.
Her: you think you're Van Damme, well I'm going to put finger up your asshole so
hard you'll remember me, and you'll scream my name, THEREESE!
I laughed for a few seconds before I pushed her off me.

Me: well listen here Thereese, I don't give a damn about your dirty little finger,
because I'm going to take my foot and I'm going to stick those balls that make you
think that you’re a boss, so far up, you might remember you have a vagina just
like everybody else in the room.
She punched me and I gave her a good lowblow, I threw a few more punches and
she was down, I ended up spitting on her because what she was doing was
disgusting, the guards eventually heard the noise and as they came I slowly
walked back to my bed. I didn’t know why these guards even get paid, I was sure
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they’d been asleep all this time, they told us to stop making a noise and walked
away, just lazy.
Before I could get on the bed, something sharp stabbed me, I turned my head and
Thereese was behind me I realised I had blood coming from my mouth, she
stabbed me!
Thereese: shh, mama's here to fetch you.
I fell to me knees, feeling an unruly amount of pain around my liver, I was running
out of breathe and I saw blood come my from my mouth, this was the closest I've
felt death and when my eyes closed I knew I was dead.
I opened my eyes in a hurry trying to catch my breath, just so I could know I could
breathe again, I was scared that I could have died, that's when I heard the
monitor stop beeping, the nurses came rushing in and by then I'd realised that I
had somehow taken off my drip and and the weird fingerclip but sadly not the
handcuffs, meaning that I was still alive, I grinned a little, death couldn't take me
out. The nurses were trying to get me to calm down and were putting the drip on
again.
The thought that I nearly died didn't bother me much, because well... I didn't die,
but I knew who to blame, I was blaming Thabo for this, why he did get a
restraining order in the first place and why would he let me stay at his house if he
was going to get me arrested and on top of that he gave Denise the pleasure of
getting me arrested, the more I thought of this I realised that he might have
planed this. I swore the next time I saw him I was going to punch him and if
possible also get him arrested.
Speak of the devil and he will appear, walking into your room wearing the usual
semi-formal suit, chain and Pollarneck combo with a smile on his face that would
make you swear he was happy to see you in a hospital bed after nearly dying
because of him!
Thabo: you should really start calling someone else to take of you while you're
here, it's like you're in the hospital for fun.
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That joke was dry and unfunny, he thought he was so smart to try and get me
killed and now he was here making jokes just so he could go and stab me in the
back and try to suffocate me with a pillow, I was being a little paranoid here.
Me: come closer.

Stupid! He actually came closer, as soon as he was close enough I slapped him,
that’s what he got for getting me into hospital again.
Thabo (still smiling): just know this is the last time I'm helping you and definitely
the last time I'll be coming to see you here and next time I hope you die.
Me: why are you still smiling! I slapped you and not only that I hope you also die.
Thabo: I have a reasons to smile
Me: oh so me being hospitalized gives you joy?
Thabo: yes, but not only that I'm getting married.
Me: with who? Denise?
Thabo: with who else? You?
Me: I wouldn't mind marrying myself and I don't need you as much as Denise.
Thabo: if you don't need me then I'll stop paying your hospital bills and you can
die.
Me: I don't need you pay my hospital bills.
Thabo: I'm not paying them for free too, I want you to pay me back.
Me: over my dead body, I'm not paying you back without a contract that I signed
that states that I have to pay you back.
Thabo: I will personally switch these machines off right now.
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Me: go ahead I don't need these drips and machines I'll make it on my own.
That ended up being a full blown argument that somehow became funny and we
ended up having a civilized conversation for once and that time not about
childhood memories of his grandmother beating him for doing the stupidest
things or me trying to top those stories with normal everyday events that
happened to me.
The next day he was wearing the same thing just with different colours and a
different chain, this was what he wore everyday so I didn’t pay attention to it
anymore.
Me: sawubona
Thabo: sawubona
Me: don't you have a job? You're always here.
Thabo: I can leave then you'll have to start arguing with the nurses about yourself
and you'll bother people with your tantrums.
Me: that's because that's the only way to talk to you.
Thabo: no, don't blame me for this, I can only have a civilized conversation with a
civilized person.
Me: are you calling me a caveman?
Thabo: I never said that.
Me: okay let's have a civilized conversation then, how are you?
Thabo: I'm good thank you and you?
Me: I'm healthy.
Thabo: who says their healthy, I didn't ask if you were healthy or not.
Me: well you should, because it's rude of you not to ask, plus I’m in hospital.
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Thabo: ngiy'kshiya ngoba ngathi uyahlanya.
Me: hamba vele

He actually left, it's starting to become funny how it was a constant cycle of him
still coming here just for another argument, he came back a few minutes later.
Thabo: you see this is exactly why you were stabbed in the first place, you act too
macho for your own good.
Me: no! The only reason Thereese stabbed me was because she was loosing in a
fist fight with me so she chose to kill me but she lost at that too.
Thabo: you've been lying to me, you're a jailbird how does it happen that a person
that's never gone to jail or prison has enemies?
Me: so what do you suggest I should have done when I saw her raping another
person?
Thabo: call the guards.
Me: I'm not like you, and you don't understand how it feels to be raped... And I
also don't.. but I don't like seeing it happen to other people and I don't wish it for
anybody else.
Thabo: I'm sure you started the fight.
Me: you don't listen, I said she was raping a person I know it's hard to believe but
it happens, you know the doctor says I'll be here for a month.
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Chapter 9
A few hours talking to him turned to days, those turned to weeks and weeks
finally made up a month and in that the wound healed and talking to Thabo
actually became talking and not arguing all the time about stupid things and when
I actually started talking to him I realised he wasn’t so bad and I learnt a lot about
him like how his canine teeth were gold, I only found out about that when he
started laughing more and he could be funny sometimes and I did take back some
of the things I said about him.
The last day of me staying at hospital, meant that last day of freedom and I’d have
to go and back to jail or even better prison, all because of Denise and Thabo, I’d
been thinking about it for a long time and I’d determined that it was better that I
stay away from them, what if they both planned this. The handcuffs were
unlocked and the police left, a few minutes later, my one and only visitor came to
see me, he was carrying two papers with him, which he handed to me. One was a
notice that the restraining order has been lifted and the other one a wedding
invitation.
Thabo: you can thank me now.
I stood up because my back hurt from laying on that bed for nearly a month and
standing on my own two feet was a thrill and walking around the room felt fun.
Me: for what? Should I thank you for getting me arrested because of a silly
restraining order?
Thabo: what's so difficult about saying thank you?
Me: the part where I don't mean it.
Thabo: just say it because it's polite to say it.
Me: thank you, even though I don't mean it.
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I tripped on something and I fell, I laid in pain for a second and Thabo extended
his hand to help me up, I pushed it away and tried to struggle myself up, before I
even had a chance to stand he pulled me up and for a moment I could smell him, I
forgot he smelt good then I felt something in my chest and I assumed it was guilt
because looking at the invitation didn't seem right.
Me: Thabo you can't get married to Denise because she's cheating on you.
He stayed silent for a few seconds I hoped he was starting to realise what a
mistake he was going making. Why did he help me up, I could stand up by myself
and why would he help me out of jail after it was his fault that I went there in the
first place.
Thabo: you should really start to appreciate things more and I am tired of looking
after you like you're a little child, just think for once.
Me: if I thought more then I would have never met you and you should appreciate
and thank me for telling you that the woman you're going to marry is cheating on
you!
Thabo: you know why she's cheating? It's because of you and because I'm always
here looking after you, don't you have a family?
Me: no, I don't! They're all dead and the person I could trust the most was you!
He walked out of the door and left , I stared at the door for a few minutes hoping
he’d come back again, I didn't want to admit it but I trusted him, I was thankful
that he dropped the charges but I didn't need him to, he was being too nice and
that's the type of person that turns and stabs your back. I learnt this when I was
still in high school when I was 14 my first ever boyfriend, after I had sex with him
he made a sex tape of us and sent it to his friends and eventually it was all over
the school and soon my whole neighbourhood knew about it. He was a nice guy
and my father tried to warn me to not trust him and I did and that's the day I
chose to not trust anybody and to never let anyone 'nice' get threw to my trust,
so I lived by the rule of never being vulnerable and to never trust anyone. I can go
threw a long list of people who I trusted and they turned on me. My friends, I am
so thankful for those girls for showing me that snakes also come in human form.
The person who kidnapped me, he started off as a nice person who ended up
forcing me go threw the hell with Siseko.
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The list goes on and all these people took my niceness for weakness and fucked
me over.
A nurse came in and checked my everything I guess, she looked up and it was
Cebile as in Cebile (Miss I know pain that you don't), but I was actually happy to
see her, to know that she's carried on with life and she was better now, she
hugged me and I hugged her back.
Cebile: I wished I could meet you so I can say thank you for giving me another
chance in life.
I sat there a bit embarrassed because I didn't do much really.

Me: Thank you
Cebile: so is he your boyfriend or what?
Me: oh no, he's just a friend.
Cebile: sorry you two look so close

If only she knew!
Me: unjani?
Cebile: I'm 2 months pregnant now and I'm getting married soon, I really think I
should name my child after you, so she can be just like you.
It was weird getting this God-like worship from her because once she hated me to
the point where I thought there was no return.
She carried on: what have you been doing since that time?
Me: oh, I've... I've been looking for a job and I'm also writing a book about my
experience at that place.
I lied because I hadn’t been doing anything, except for getting myself hurt, it
surprised me because Cebile was the one who claimed went threw the most pain
yet she's been able to carry on and only in 4 months while I was still living my life
with a fragment of that place not being able forget maybe I should let go and
apologise to Thabo for being rude, calling him was a struggle I looked at his
number for a long time before actually called him.
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Me: Thabo, I'm sorry for being rude.

I ended the call and slept with a little ease that night.
The next day I was going to get discharged the scar didn't hurt that much, I had
cooled down and I’d started reading like Thabo suggested and it was not too bad
to be honest the book wasn’t too shabby. I was reading when Denise came in with
the usual extra-expensive stiletto heels, I don't know how many inches of wig
hair and some leather handbag she couldn’t afford herself.
Me: who bought you that, Thabo or baby daddy?
Denise: I came to tell you to stay away from Thabo and I don't like him associating
himself with a jailbird like you.
She was talking to me like she's controlling Thabo's life, she was acting like his
mother.
Me: am I supposed to feel angry or sorry for using that worst threat in the history
of threats?
Denise: am I supposed to laugh at that?
Me: you're not only unfaithful but you're also sour, what do they see in you?
Denise: what they don't see in you. A life partner.
Me: no, the only difference between me and you is that I can control myself
enough not to sleep with a person for financial support.
She was getting angrier and getting what she deserved.
Me: don't get too angry you'll ruin your Botox.

I used to used to say this to my Mma when she got angry at me.
Denise: I don't know why I'm wasting time with you, it's clear that you're catching
feelings for MY fiancé, I'm not the one who's going to be left crying from a broken
heart after I get married tomorrow, that's why I came here I wanted to personally
invite you to my wedding.
She walked away, not realising what she said was complete no sense, I could just
imagine me having any sort of admiration towards Thabo. The more I thought of
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it, the less it became impossible. I was discharged and Thabo was there to get me
again, maybe Denise wasn't speaking nonsense, why was he still helping me, I was
not the easiest person to be around let alone care for, he had better places to be
and still he was there helping me and I was ungrateful. This thought kept me up
all night, like a bad nightmare, I couldn't refrain my heart from beating faster and
I couldn't sleep, it felt like my heart was having a mini-seizure to the point that I
couldn't breathe. At some point I was sure of it, if that was what liking or having
any feeling of admiration towards a person felt like than how did people survive?
If I felt more than that I was going to explode.
Next morning I didn't look too good with eyes half red from not having a good
night sleep the night before, I thought a hotel room to myself would allow me to
sleep comfortably and I was half sure that I wasn't going to that wedding, because
I had to buy a pair of clothes to wear which I didn't have money to buy, the only
thing I could wear was the hotel robe, then I remembered I had my watch, I didn’t
want to sell it but it was the only option I had. I wore the hotel robe to a jewellery
store and traded my watch for R75 000. I got that watch on my birthday from my
mother when I was 8, I never took it off ever since. I bought a few essentials
before going to the wedding.
When I got to the venue I grew nervous and unsettled as saw Denise getting
dressed in a pretty dress, drinking champagne with all her bridesmaids while
doing makeup, Thabo wasn’t supposed to be marrying a two-faced snake, that's
when I bumped into Thabo, I was a little startled. I couldn’t recognise him at all he
was wearing a navy suit and looked better than most days.
Me: hi
Thabo: why are you greeting me today?
Me: nothing... Actually it is something and I know it's not the best time to say this,
but I l-i-k-e you.
I didn't know what to expect as a reaction but it wasn't Thabo practically laughing
in my face.
Thabo: listen, I'm going to walk down the aisle and I'll be waiting for her, she
doesn't just like me she loves me, that's one feeling a person like you doesn't
know, okay.
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Me: what do you mean when you say a person like me? Listen! I get whatever I
want, when I want and right now I want you.
Thabo: that's exactly what I meant, a person like you... spoilt and don't make a
scene because we invited you as a friend.
He walked away, I couldn't believe that I just poured my heart out to him and all
he had to say was that I was spoilt. He was not get married to anybody else but
me and if he didn’t get married to me then he wasn’t marry anyone.
I had only a few minutes to stop this sham of a wedding, Thabo didn’t realise it
yet he liked me as much as I liked him back. I went to see Denise to make her
realise it, but when I saw her in her dress looking like those nasty Disney
princesses, I realised I couldn't stop it with the amount of guests and preparations
that had gone into this. She was with her bridesmaids they were having a “freak
out” they had Champaign bottles and a few pills in small plastic bags, those were
drugs. The bridesmaids were wearing grey dresses and Denise had chosen well
with her dress choice, it got me thinking of what Thabo would say or do when he
saw her. Denise was crying tears of joy screaming she was getting married they
were in one room, I wasn't going to try express what I wanted the way I wanted if
there were I bunch of people in the room. I knocked on the door and came in
before they could invite me in.
Bridesmaid: look the slut just walked in.
Bridesmaid 2: so she’s the bitch!

I ignored the tiny comments, bridesmaid 2 wanted a fight with me believe me I
was going to hand it to her on a tray, but I wasn’t going to loose track of what I
came in to do.
Me: can I talk to you privately...
Denise: Bridesmaids! here’s the stripper that slept with my husband!
Her bridesmaids mumbled out calling basically me a whore, she didn’t deserve
any of what Thabo was giving to her. Denise pulled me into another room, with a
stupid smug look on her face.
Denise: it's fine.
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Me: it's my fault, I miss understood the situation and I ended up accusing you of
cheating, I'm sorry for everything.
Denise: it's fine. You slept with Thabo and I forgive you, my day won't be ruined
by a loose whore.
She actually thought I slept with Thabo and she was still willing to marry him. I
was saving her and Thabo from making a big mistake, the only way to stop them
was if I married Thabo because the she was not his type and I knew he wasn’t
going to be happy. There was a quick knock on the door followed by a bridesmaid
screaming in excitement, “we’re going in, shesha!" Denise then opened her arms,
she wanted to hug me. She came closer to me, I knew what I had to do, I held her
neck, she started loosing her strength and fell onto her knees she collapsed on
the floor. I checked for a pulse and it was still there but she was going to be out
for at least 30 minutes.
I started taking off of her dress, I knew what I was doing wasn’t right and I can’t
justify it in any way, but I knew Thabo was definitely going to thank me, when I
was his wife. The dress was a bit tight on me, should I exaggerate that I hadn’t
been in a dress in years, let alone a lone a skirt. My whole life I hadn’t worn
something so revealing, I couldn't believe my cleavage and I never knew I had
those curves. I wasn't fooling anyone with just the dress, I had to put on her wig
and I really didn't have time and it took my mother nearly an hour to put that
thing on, I just didn’t get why people would put on someone else's hair on their
head or is it horse hair? I don’t know but why do they need it? I had to watch a
tutorial and I finally got that mop of hair on my head. Wasn’t it just funny how
much these things cost. I quickly put on the vale.
There was another knock on the door followed by a worried voice, whispering,
"Denise, you're late and your prince charming is waiting for you."
I pulled Denise to the other side of the bed hoping nobody would see her until I
was Mrs Langa, took last glimpse at myself and I open the door, I really didn't
think I looked convincing yet Denise's maid of honour looked at me for a while
and she smiled and held my hand. Oh shit, I didn’t have nails on, she didn't seem
to notice.
Her: let's go.
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From a distance I could hear the piano playing, the doors opened and everybody
stood up, just for me. For some reason I had to walk slowly down the aisle and
that didn't do much for me and the heels, I would've worn my shoes but I'm way
shorter than Denise, It wouldn't have made sense. I had my fingers crossed the
whole time, hoping nobody would notice, not even Denise's mother. I didn't pay
much attention to them, but damn, Thabo looked like a whole meal, I got to the
end of the aisle and stood next to my soon to be husband.
Minister: dearly beloved we are gathered here to witness the holy matrimony...
He carried on for a long time, saying a long prayer and I thought I'd feel bad after
a while but I didn't and I wasn't regretting what I was doing. It was time for the
vows, it didn't feel real.
Minister: Will you, cherish this man as your lawful wedded husband, protecting
him, and tending to his needs through illness and disappointment? Will you strive
to understand him, giving him comfort when he seeks it from you? Will you try
never to say in anger that which you wouldn’t say in friendship? And when each
night comes, will you go to sleep with thanks for his presence at your side and
renewed love for his in your heart? In short do you take this man to be you're
husband. For better and for worse. In sickness and in health, in richer and in
poorer, in—
I took every single word the minister said to heart and the ring I was putting on
his finger meant so much more than just a ring.
Me: I do.
The minister looked at Thabo and as he was about to start with the vows again
Thabo stopped him he held my hand as he began putting the ring onto my finger,
I couldn’t find a reason why we weren’t meant to be together, I was worried that
maybe the ring wouldn't fit but it fit perfectly.
Thabo: Love is give and take, I give all my love to you and receive so much love in
return, I vow to carry you and to be carried by you, to journey with you and to
love each minute because of our travels together. We will live a life of constant
adventure together. I vow to support you, push you, inspire you, for better or
worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, as long as both our hearts
beat, I take you as my wife. I promise to choose you everyday, in words and in
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deeds and to do the hard work of make my now into always, till death do us
part... I promise to love you.
That was the most heartfelt thing anybody had ever said to me and the best vows
I've ever heard. I felt the tears forming.
Minister you may now kiss the bride.

Before he even thought of lifting up the vail I hugged him and everyone was
disappointed. We were called aside to sign a few papers and I was surprised as to
how ignorant Thabo was, he didn't even notice the difference in the signatures.
Thabo: you know you're married to me now how does it feel, you're officially Mrs
Langa.
I didn’t want to wake up from this dream.
"You bitch!"
There was a huge rumble and when I turned my head, I saw Denise looking like
she'd just been in a fight with 10 people at once, she was stomping her way down
the aisle, you would have sworn flames were coming from her eyes. There was no
hiding anymore I took off the vail and the wig which was making my head itchy, as
soon as I took it off a loud gasp came from the guests and one of them fainting.
Denise: how could you not know this isn't me! Thabo!
I realised she wasn't coming for me she was running to Thabo, I was standing in
front of him, before I could even move she pushed me aside and I landed on top
of the groomsmen, there were three of them. I picked myself up, before I even
got back to my feet, Denise's maid of honour slapped her.
Denise: Neo, how dare you!
Maid of honour: you deserve what's happening to you, I trusted you! and you still
have the nerve to keep his child, you stab me in the back and sleep with my man!
Denise: because I love him and it’s not his child and it’s not Thabo’s child because
there is no child!
More gasps sounded through the hall nobody was expecting that. She slowly
walked to Thabo and hugged him, he pushed her away. I didn’t want to involve
myself in any of that so I kept quiet even though Thabo was my husband. The
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maid of honour, who I figured was Neo, followed by attacking one of the
groomsmen, which was the guy Denise was cheating with, in that whole situation
I seemed like the last problem on people's minds. Until Thabo pulled me outside,
he looked furious, I couldn’t stop but to think how good he looked when he’s
angry.
Thabo: you're going to take your things and you're gonna drive away as far as you
can from me and my life and if you don't I'll make yours a living hell.
Me: uyangixosha, I need to be by the side of my husband.
Thabo: lombedo owenze la, doesn't mean shit, we are not married!
Me: we both signed those papers, so we're legally married now.
Thabo: Wha... What is wrong with you!
Me: don't get so angry, Denise was cheating on you, I did you a favour, And what
did you say? You said she loves you and look where love got you, I don't love
you...but I care for you enough not to hurt you that way.
For minutes we stared at each other, with both our eyes filled with fury, I didn't
appreciate him screaming at me at me like that as if I made Denise cheat, he was
basically blaming me for his problems. That was until there was a gunshot, and
people were running out of the hall screaming, I wanted to see who was shot, so I
followed Thabo. The fight was paused with all the bridesmaids and groomsmen
standing, looking shocked, they were all looking at Denise's body, which was on
the floor laying in a pool of blood with a bullet in her head.
Thabo punched Msizi before going to Denise's dead body and interlocking her
fingers laying her hands on her chest, I thought he'd cry but he sat there and just
looked at the body.
The maid of honour started screaming out crying, "I didn't mean to do it! Tsepiso,
I didn't, Kea, believe me I didn't mean to" she fell to the floor and dropped the
gun. I could hear the police siren from where I was standing, then there was
another gunshot... Neo shot herself, then I saw Msizi distancing himself from
Thabo and Denise’s body and went to Neo, he got on his knees and started crying.
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When the police came, they evacuated everyone but Thabo didn't want to leave
and I left him there and went to my house, I figured that's what I should call it,
since I was Mrs Langa, I couldn’t believe it. When I entered Thabo's bedroom
there were roses on the bed and the whole romantic setting. I thought it would
be nice of me to take Denise's clothes out and cleanse the room of her before she
came back to haunt me with her clothes and took off the dress because I did not
feel comfortable not having anything to stop my thighs from rubbing on each
other, it’s the worst feeling ever! It’s one of my biggest phobias,
thickthightouchaphobia.
I had all her clothes in plastic bags not knowing if I should donate them or burn
them. Should I say they were pretty expensive stuff. That's when Thabo's friend
comes in basically dragging Thabo, I could tell he has a wasted and he was
complaining, but all I heard from it was, “amanga angaka Awani? Who lies about
being pregnant? Mayengafi ngizomqedeka mina self.”
Him: Loyiso, nice to meet you and that stunt your pulled today, Mrs Langa.
Me: thank you.
Loyiso: you know he doesn't love you right?
Me: not yet you mean.
He gave me a small piece of Paper.

Loyiso: well when you want to be loved you can call me.
He thought he's just the whole meal, I was ignoring the fact that he was flexing,
biceps that are probably made from steroids.
Me: no wonder Denise was unfaithful, Thabo has one big group of loyal friends,
nx, asshole!
I slammed the door on his face because he deserved it, because he was two
faced, just because Thabo didn’t want me to be his wife really didn’t mean he had
the right to make a move on me, It was disgusting. But what was more annoying
was Thabo laying on the floor smelling like he had a bath in beer and I had to drag
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him up to his room, I'd be lying if I say I enjoyed my first day married. Thabo kept
on complaining, I was trying to help him.
Me: Thabo, let go of the carpet, dedela!
Thabo(drunkenly): what if I don't! Huh! What are you going to do about it?
We had a huge argument about a carpet, cabanga! He was so hard headed, it
then became a fight to see who could shout the loudest, and who can swear more
while screaming, I was angry and he was too, actually he's heartbroken, in one
moment when it was clear that I was winning he pushed me and I had a problem
with my balance so I saw myself falling…
"Nhlalo!"
When I open my eyes, my body is in a awkward position and my head really hurt.
The sun was shining straight to my face from outside the window.
Thabo: what happened? Are you fine?

I was confused, before I remembered that his drunk ass pushed me down the
stairs, I clicked my tongue and stood up putting my leg back on. I was really
pissed, what if I died because of him and it didn't seem to bother him one bit, he
just wore one of his pollarneck and suit combinations and left, that made me
even more enraged.
Everyday he’d come back from work cook his own meal and watch TV for a few
hours while I was still holding a grudge against him for actually nearly killing me
and not realising it.
The day of Denise’s funeral came and I thought I should go say goodbye to my
fairy god mother, without her I might have not married to the worst person alive,
what was I thinking.
Thabo: uyaphi?
Me: I’m going to Denise’s funeral, you can’t go alone.
Thabo: haven’t you seen her dead so what’s the point of going to her funeral?
Me: you were about to marry her, so I think it would be rude for you not to go.
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Thabo: why are you still here then, go get in the car!
I was surprised he didn’t bother about me not being formal enough for a funeral.
We got there and I was surprised by how many people were there, my mother’s
funeral wasn’t even half of this one. When I got out of the car Denise’s casket was
being taken out of the car and her mother was next to it crying, while the choir
started singing “Amazing grace”, this got me thinking that just a few weeks ago, I
met Denise and weeks later she’s dead and just few days before she was the
happy as a thug with a gun, telling me how she was going to marry Thabo and I’d
be left heartbroken not knowing that I’d marry him she’d be dead. Life is
unpredictable, so I find it better not to plan anything and I rather live in the
moment and live my life to the fullest because you never know when your best
friend will shoot you.
When the casket passes, Denise’s mother started screaming while wildly walking
towards us.
Denise’s mother: You killed my daughter and now you’re here! With this Jezebel
showing off how you fooled my daughter! Denise is dead because of you Thabo!
I wasn’t going to stand by and watch her blame other people for her dearest
Denise’s mistakes, Thabo had respect for Denise’s mother that’s the only reason
he kept quiet.
Me: excuse me mam, but you can’t call me a Jezebel.
Denise’s mother: you have no say in this! You’re a golddiggering whore!
Me: the only person who’s a gold-digging Jezebel is you’re dearest daughter,
Denise who slept with his friend!
Before I knew it she had slapped me, just because she couldn’t handle the truth
about her angel daughter. I never take an attack at me quietly and if Thabo didn’t
pull me back in time then Denise’s mother would have gotten her slapped back
multiplied, threw my fit of anger I could hear Thabo whispering multiple times,
“she doesn’t deserve you’re anger.”
Denise’s mother: don’t you dare even sound Denise’s name with your dirty
tongue.
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She really didn’t deserve my anger so I calmed down but she still needed to know
what her angel daughter did.
Me: Your angel daughter, she wanted my husband to raise another man’s child,
actually you’re angel daughter lied about being pregnant and she’s the innocent
one here?
Thabo: Mrs Samuels Before you turn your daughter’s funeral into a joke I suggest
you go sit down.
Denise’s mother walked away and we found our seats at the back of the church,
people started saying speeches saying she was the most caring person, “she was
the best friend they ever had”, “she had the kindest heart” and “she wouldn’t was
loyal to everyone.” Everybody was perceiving her to be a good person who
wouldn’t hurt a fly, she was basically the most caring person on earth to them,
which to my knowledge was rubbish! I looked over my shoulder and I noticed
Thabo wasn’t shedding even one tear, I thought maybe the more people that
talked about her maybe he’d be reminded of her and whatever he fell for in her, if
he ever had fallen.
There were gasps when Msizi came in drunk as a junkie who just got paid, at that
moment Thabo stood up and walked out, I followed him but behind me I could
hear Msizi, screaming into the mic, countlessly saying he’s sorry, I couldn’t hear
what he said after that because I was running after Thabo and the car before it
left me.
Me: why are you so angry?
Thabo: I’m not angry, I just don’t want to ruin her funeral.
Me: you are one odd person, mind to show other emotions sometimes.
Thabo: why?
Me: I don’t know but why didn’t you cry or at least show that you have a heart.
Thabo: look who’s talking, between me and you the only odd person is the one
that’s afraid to admit to how they feel.
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Me: I know what I feel, I’m currently worried about your mental health, maybe
you should go for therapy.
Thabo: she was only a girl. On the other hand you should get therapy your whole
family died.
Me: don’t say it like that! You making me sound like I’m depressed.
Thabo: aren’t you?

Was I? I slowly started doubting myself, then I realised that I shouldn’t overthink
things.
Me: listen if this is one of your mind games it isn’t funny!

We both kept quiet after that, we were back to square one where he didn’t talk to
me and I didn’t bother him and fact still remained that he pushed me down the
stairs, for all I know I might have died from internal bleeding or I could’ve been
internally bleeding then and I might’ve just drop dead any moment. When I
overthink things I find it better that I drink tequila straight from the bottle to get
my mind off things, I spent the whole night and the next day with bottles of
whiskey.
I decided that I’d give him a piece of my mind we couldn’t keep ignoring the fact
that I nearly died, I know I might be keeping a grudge but what if I died? There
was a knock on the front door when I opened there was a woman standing there ,
she introduced herself as detective Xhogo.
Detective Xhogo: I’d like to ask you a few questions.
I welcomed her in, she seemed uptight so I thought offering a glass of whiskey
would help her loosen up but she refused.
Detective: Mrs Langa, what exactly happened on the day you got married?
Me: I got married… and it wouldn’t hurt to greet a person.
Detective: how did Ms Samuels die?
Me: her best friend shot her.
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Detective: is it also true that you and Ms Samuels had a catfight at the hospital
you were in, a day before the wedding?
Me: it was just a minor harmless argument.
Detective: is it true that you and Ms Xaluva that being Neo and yourself planned
the whole thing.
Me: no, now can you please get to the point.
Detective: it sounds suspicious how you kidnapped Ms Samuels' wedding and on

the same day her maid of honour murders her, I see a motive, and your motive is
jealousy, I think that you planned to be the bride at the wedding and you and Ms
Xaluva thought to kill Ms Samuels before the wedding but something went wrong
and that’s why she ended up getting shot in front of everyone.
Me: are you drunk? In no offence but you are currently speaking absolute shit, me
marrying Thabo was a last minute thing that I had to do because Denise was
cheating on him.
Detective: really? Now it makes so much more sense, have you and Mr Langa
discussed anything about getting separated because he didn’t want to marry you?
Me: no, not yet.
Detective: Mrs Langa, I think you and your husband planned this long before you
decided to get Ms Samuels killed, after your husband found out she was cheating,
you planned the perfect murder, where Ms Xaluva would take the fall for it after
you informed her that her boyfriend was cheating on her with her best friend
making her furious leading to her shooting Ms Samuels… right?
Me: detective I don’t know what to say, you are so creative, I wish I was that
smart, detective please think about what you’re saying again it sounds impossible,
I mean I’ve been listening to you and I suspect that you need real help, because
the only criminal mastermind here is you.
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Detective: Mrs Langa… I suggest you get yourself a lawyer because if I find
anything to link you with Ms Samuels murder I’ll be seeing you in court.
She stood up and before leaving she looked back at me saying, in a suspicious
tone, “Mrs Langa your house is beautiful your husband would have to earn 10
times the amount he gets paid to afford this lifestyle… or maybe there’s
something more to it?”
She left me confused, she really had a creative mind, her accusations sounded
insane, she was making me out to be a criminal mastermind, if I could plan
murders like that then I’d never get arrested.
Thabo came back from work, I was half drunk since I had nothing better to do
with my day. He came in and I hadn't bothered to switch on the lights, he was half
way up the stairs when I threw my tequila bottle at him, he was lucky I didn’t hit
because if I did then I was going to do him just like he did me.
Me: who am I? Let me give you an answer I'm your wife and you will treat me like
your wife, you will treat me the same way you would have treated Denise, I know
I can't replace her, so I'll do you a favour and erase her.
Thabo: you want to replace her? Well you can't because you are nothing like her
and I don't know why you're still here, didn't I tell you to leave? Yini ufuna imali,
I'll give you money, I'll give you whatever you want as long as you leave before
you drive me crazy!
Me: anything? Well, you have to give it to me if I ask, I want you to come here kiss
me, touch me, fiddle with me, fondle me, caress me, I want you to pick me up and
take me to your bedroom, no our bedroom and have sex with me, you can't right?
So I'll stay and I promise that day that happens I’ll leave myself.
I left him looking all sorts of confused and went to my bedroom. Why didn't my
mother ever tell me that marriage was such a fun thing, I mean she always made
it out to be the worst thing to ever happen to her, but I enjoyed these fights, yet I
won't lie the thought of having sex with Thabo made me realise that I was on a
dry patch. We slept in separate rooms and that helped a lot because sometimes
his seriousness got annoying.
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Chapter 10
Next morning, I woke up early for once and actually got to see Thabo leave.
Thabo: manje your just going to watch me?
Me: should I lick you instead?
Thabo: my grandmother's coming over tonight so please try to look presentable.

The shade in what he just said as if I was not presentable, what's wrong with
wearing a hoodie and large boy shorts and should I add that these were his.
Thabo left and I sat there the whole day mostly running on the treadmill while
watching criminal drama’s, I'm not a fan of reading or writing I spent some of my
days watching TV and playing videogames and some lazily working out. He came
back earlier than usual and I was waiting for him looking "presentable", he came
in and laughed.
Thabo: why are you wearing my suit?
Me: because you said I should look presentable and what's more formal than a
suit.
Thabo: I meant look like a female, wear a dress or that paint that you put on your
face and that horse hair girls like wearing.
I knew it was horse hair!
Me: that's a little stereotypical of you, you assume that the only formal wear
woman can wear to look presentable is a dress and you're saying my hair isn't
presentable too.
He was busy freaking out, it was just his grandmother not like she was going to kill
him for marrying me.
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Thabo: that would be fine if I didn’t tell my grandmother that I'd marry Denise
and after I told her that she was the grandaughter-in-law she's always wanted for
me.
Me (jokingly): did you include that she cheated?
Thabo: well did you at least cook?
Me: I… can't do that, I can’t cook.

He looked at me surprised as if all woman came with the ability of cooking
installed on their brains, he was such a “stereotype-ist” He gave me a card and
went to the kitchen, I was confused what was I supposed to do with a bank card?
At this moment I was lost so I sat down and watched him panic and try to make
food. Making food was such an effort, I know I sound spoilt but I just think nature
gave us food(fruits and vegetables) and I don't see the need to cook it, I can eat a
raw onion, if I wanted to. I stood up and went to look for something presentable
to wear and presentable in Thabo's point of view, I stumbled on a dress, it was
one of Denise's extra expensive clothes. I didn’t know how I didn't see it when I
took out her clothes. The dress wasn’t too short and my legs looked good at least
I didn’t look like a side street hooker as for my hair I combed it for once in a long
time. There was a knock on the door a few minutes later that made me nervous
because she might not like me, it was fine if Thabo didn’t like me I didn’t care
because he was going to learn to like me over time but I'd like his grandmother to
put in a good word for me.
I walk downstairs, when thabo saw me he had a look I wasn’t sure what it meant
and I was I little relieved to see that it was the woman I helped at the hospital a
few weeks ago, she looked surprised when she first saw me then whispered
something to Thabo and I assumed it was time I went to greet her.
Me: sawubona ma.
Thabo: Gogo this is Nhlalo… my wife.

She hugged me, I got a lot less nervous, we sat down and started to eat.
Gogo: makoti, did you know that your husband’s a great cook and it seems like
you both cook the same way.
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I didn’t want to take the glory for his cooking but I had to.
Me: …ngiyabonga
Gogo: Zano when are my grandchildren coming?

He chuckled and I thought I would make it even more awkward.
Me: don't worry Gogo we're already working on that.
Gogo: Nhlalo, I hope you're not starving my boy.
Me: don't worry Gogo he's in good hands.
Gogo: ube nesiqhiniseko ukuthi uyadla, Mina ngekathi zami upheka ibodwe
libemnandi if you don’t cook for them who will?
I realised she was not talking about cooking in the kitchen anymore, I giggled and
reassured her that he was well fed everywhere.
Gogo: Zano, Musa ukudla kangaka.
She stayed silent for a few seconds she seemed a little confused and I thought I
should make it less awkward and start a conversation.
Me: gogo, I shoul—
Gogo: Gogo! Ubani ugogo? Niyobani Nina? Thomas! Uphi!? Nimyisephi uThomas?
She started screaming out for Thomas.
Thabo: gogo yehlisa umoya, ngicabanga ukuthi fanele uyolala.

She kept of insisting on seeing Thomas.
After dinner I was washing the dishes when Thabo came in and started whipping
them, he sighed and I had to ask.
Me: who’s Thomas?
Thabo: he’s my grandfather, she sometimes forgets that he died and she starts
panicking.
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Me: I’m sorry may his soul rest in peace.
Thabo: hope not, I mean he committed suicide… he shot himself and my

grandmother still believes that he’s somewhere near the river where they used to
meet waiting for her.
I had no words to say so I gave him a friendly supportive pat on the back. After
that he put the plate down and left, after I was done I went to his bedroom or our
room and got ready to sleep.
Thabo: are you lost?
Me: no, I'm in the right room because this is our room, engathini nje ugogo when
she sees us sleeping in different rooms.
He took the blanket and slept on the couch, he was acting like I might rape him.
Me: dramatic enough?
Thabo: why am I running away from my bed?

He came back to bed and I thought it would be funny if I took off my clothes in
front of him, but before I could he was already snoring and the annoying type of
snoring he didn't stop, ngiyaphapha sometimes, why was I sleeping there, maybe
he was doing it on purpose just to get me to leave or I was being paranoid, right?
Next morning I hadn’t gotten even a wink of sleep and I truly didn’t want to get
up but Thabo next me had the loudest alarm on this earth that I’m sure woke the
whole neighbourhood up.
Thabo: I think you should sleep with your own blanket, I couldn’t sleep last night
with you pulling the blanket.
Me: No-No!-no. Did you know that you snore like a donkey? I couldn’t sleep last
night and your stupid alarm wakes me up just when I was about to sleep.
Thabo: you can sleep all day I have a job to get to. So you can’t be complaining
about me snoring when you can sleep all day.
I clicked my tongue and like the blanket hogger he said I was I pull the whole
blanket to my side and carried on sleeping. As I was about to deeply sleep, Thabo
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tried suffocating me first with his shower mist then with his towel which he threw
right on my face followed by his cologne.
Me: why?!
Thabo: what?
Me: are you trying to kill me with your cologne.
Thabo: I don’t have time for this.

He got dressed and left and finally left me to sleep, I enjoyed the whole day in
bed. Thabo came back from work, tried to wake me up but I ignored him because
I was enjoying the sleep he took away from me. Afterwards I went to the
backyard to get fresh air and also to smoke, to my surprise Thabo beat me to it.
How did I never notice? I knew it had only been two weeks since we got married
but I should’ve noticed.
Me: talking to a friend?

I lit my own cigarette and Thabo was actually smoking a cigar and last I tried to
steal one from my dad and smoke it I nearly choked myself, cigars are for pros.
Thabo: business partner, why don’t you get friends and stop bothering me?
Me: friends are overrated.
Thabo: they can never be trusted.
Me: one second their coming over every weekend to see you the next you find
one of them riding your brother screaming her ass off like an anime pornstar and
the other one sucking my father’s penis like a lollipop, they were bitches.
Thabo: yeah one second he’s homeless and starving the next he’s pulling doggy
style on your fiancée, so what did you do after you found them.
Me: I took out a gun… and S-H-O-T them or I wish I did I, but instead I left scars on
them they wouldn’t forget and you know what the most disgusting part of it
was?! That bitch swallowed! she swallowed my little brother’s and sisters down
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her nasty throat should I add that I was never supposed to see my father’s thing
and it was hard and had nasty…, I should have really shot them! And Candice
didn’t even use a condom! So now she’s my brother’s baby mama and after I
“assaulted them for no reason” their parents demanded I be expelled and I home
schooled from grade 11 onwards.
I swear I still want to gun them down till this day or at least hit them with one
more punch, I was in high intensity of anger but somehow I found myself laughing
about it, I finished my cigarette and Thabo taught me how to smoke a cigar, so I
was also a pro. Night came and we got back inside cold and with unwanted odour
following us, we showered together, just showered, back to back because we
both couldn’t agree as to who would get to shower first.
Thabo: you’re butt is touching my thighs.
Me: it wouldn’t be if you weren’t pushing me away.

He moved away and I had the whole place to myself then there was cold water
coming out, he thought he was so funny! I pulled him back into the cold water
and walked away, dried myself and went to bed and yes I was naked and I felt
more comfortable sleeping this way, if I had a choice I’d walk around naked
because it’s comfortable. No matter how comfortable I was it didn’t change the
fact that Thabo snored like a pig, but I wasn’t going to give him the joy of sleeping
and while I was up all night, so I found a way to sleep threw his snoring.
I was having a weird dream which I couldn’t remember when I woke up. It wasn’t
snoring that woke me up, it was Thabo talking muffled words and screaming, I
assumed he was having a nightmare so I shook him a few times until he woke up,
catching his breathe.
Thabo: don’t look at me like that.
Me: fine I won’t.

I left to drink water, Thabo followed me. I was in the kitchen when I saw Gogo in
the living room surrounded by beer bottles. She was crying while trying to open
another bottle.
Gogo: Thomas?
Thabo: Gogo please put the bottle away.
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Gogo: uphi umkhulu wakho? Zanothabo, uphi!

She was struggling to open the bottle, Thabo crouched down and held her hand.
Thabo: Gogo don’t do this again.

She finally opened the bottle and took a sip from it, Thabo seemed to get more
desperate his hands formed fists as he stared up at his grandmother in a pool of
beer being pulled down by grief and loss.
Gogo: akasekho.
He pulled the bottle from her hands throwing it to wall and going back to his
bedroom slamming the door. I was watching speechless and confused, I didn’t
even drink the glass of water afterwards.
Me: gogo, kwenzakalani?
Gogo: I’m failing him again.
Me: at what?
Gogo: at being there for him.

She seemed tired so I let her go to her bedroom, when I got to Thabo’s bedroom
he was also asleep so I was left to try out all the pieces together.
Next morning, I woke up and took a shower first and by the time Thabo’s alarm
went off I was already out and dressed, I wasn’t going to do much except sleep
but I was trying to make a point. I got out of the shower with a towel wrapped
around me.
Thabo: morning.
Me: good morning.
Thabo: am I still dreaming?
Me: if this is a dream would I still have this towel around me?
He grinned and got out of bed.
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Thabo: so this is how you plan on getting on my nerves today?
Me: no, I’m trying to make a point.
Thabo: which is?
Me: you’re too loud in the morning and you can quietly take a shower without
waking me up.
Thabo: I don’t know what you’re trying to do but I’m not going to fall into your
trap.
He went into the shower while I went downstairs and picked and assembled a
fruit salad, I said I can’t cook but a make a pretty nice salad. I sat down to eat and
I was still trying to prove my point of being quiet. Thabo came downstairs made
cereal, as he was about to leave, his grandmother came out of her room, I stood
in front of the door and I kissed him because that's what married people do and I
have to give it to Thabo for not kicking my out thus far because if I was in the
same situation as him and I had a stranger-wife living with me I would force her
out, I'd even take out a gun and try to scare her away. After the excessive drinking
I made Gogo a hot, cup of strong black coffee. My coffee doesn’t taste good, but
it has been called the medicine to a hangover.
I was left home alone after gogo also left, she talked about buying clothes and I
wasn’t interested. She came back a few hours later and she handed me a gift bag
with lingerie inside it, I was confused as to what I was supposed to do with it, and
why she’d buy me lingerie in the first place.
Me: you gave me the wrong bag.
Gogo: no I gave you the right bag, for a successful marriage you need to treat
each other like it’s the first time you set eyes in each other. You need to love your
husband and show him now much you love him. Now do my boy right and treat
him like a king, you know his grandfather and I couldn't take our hands off each
other after getting married and last night I didn't hear a thing from your room so
use this tonight.
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Wow! I thought she would be a hard headed old woman but really she knew how
to express herself, my grandma would never talk to me like that or maybe it was
because she just wanted grandkids.
I wanted to make things as awkward as possible for Thabo, so I bought rose petals
and lit a few candles, along the way I got carried away and ended up taking a long
shower, I didn’t like taking bathes it’s weird sitting in still water for an hour. After
putting the lingerie on I was surprised of how revealing it was and it came from
Thabo's grandmother she had good taste in that department, I guess she really
wanted those great grandchildren. I was a little lost because when I was younger
couples would do this in movies, one of the characters would lay on the bed like a
sex toy waiting to be played with and I wasn’t not the type to be played around
with so I thought I'd get myself a few glasses of whiskey, Thabo was late so I
nearly got wasted and hours later he decided to sneak into the room, he was
tiptoeing to bed when he saw me sitting in the corner with a night light on, he
was a bit surprised.
Me: Thabo, your grandmother said I should keep you well fed everywhere so
that's what I'm doing.
Thabo: put your clothes on.
Me: no and gogo bought this for me so I should use it, you're rejecting a gift from
your grandmother?
Thabo: what the fuck you woman are crazy.
Me: she says that we're a little too quiet and she wants to see her great-grandkids
before she leaves the world.
He laughed and drank a full glass of whiskey then going to the bathroom.
I got on the bed and started bumping on it.
Me: AH! OH MY IT'S AMAZING! AAHH! MMHH! HARDER! OH THABO IMMA

ABOUT TO CU—
He came out running to close my mouth.
Thabo: what is wrong with you? What if ugogo heard you?
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Me: that's the whole point so she knows that I'm feeding you.
Thabo: and who in the world says "it's so amazing."
Me: at least women express their pleasure you men just groan you're confusing
us, when you groan we don't know if it because the sex is good or you’re having a
seizer or if you're just acting.
Thabo: so we're acting? Women always scream out things they don't mean.
Me: just to make you feel better about yourself and it's not our fault if you aren't
blessed with game.
Thabo: and the reason why we fake groan is because we want you to feel better
about yourself and it's also not our fault that you aren't gifted.
By this time we were both drunk because we'd drank the whole bottle.
Me: won't you tell me I look good?
Thabo: because you know you do already.
Me: but if it was Denise then would you compliment her?
Thabo: yes because she was my wife.
Me: no I'm your wife!
Thabo: no you're the woman that's responsible for what happened to my wife.
Me: you blame me for everything, it's not my fault Denise died and it's not my
fault that she was cheating on you. All I ever did was try to make a friend and it's
also not my fault that I like you, so stop blaming me for what happened to Denise,
it's all your fault because you're too perfect and I don't go blaming you for
everything that happened to me sure I was kidnapped, molested, lost my foot, my
father died too but I have never blamed it on you.
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He said it was my fault as if I shot her and I forced her to cheat, he didn’t want to
accept that she was cheating on him so it was better to blame it on me just to
make him feel better about himself, every time he said it, he was pushing my
buttons and that day was he last straw, it's true that a person speaks more truth
when their angry and I didn't realise that my eyes were filled with tears and
Thabo's displayed “pity” he hugged me, the room had grown silent and the wall
stopping my tears from falling collapsed and the tears came pouring down my
cheeks.
Thabo: molested?
I wanted to not say but I had to finally tell someone and just get it off my chest
and I'd buried it so deep with the drugs and the alcohol that I thought I'd forget
but it was eating me up inside.
Me: I was kidnapped me and this devil of a man... He took away the power of my
having my body.
I remember was the helplessness, the way I couldn’t do anything to stop it, the
pain that came with it and not having power over something that belonged to me,
it’s MY BODY but he took my authority away from it and made it into just a body
for him to play with.
Thabo: but look at you now, you're still smiling and that is beautiful.
I lost my paranoia towards what his words, he tried to comfort me and the
warmth of it was indescribable... He lifted my head up and kissed my forehead
this had me weak to my knees, I stood on my toes and kissed his lips, this time he
kisses me back and with no rush he moved to my neck. Neck kisses are honestly
most seductive thing anyone could ever do to me, especially then because it had
been such a long time since it was touched by another person. From my neck he
kissed my chests, from there going lower and lower, Thabo was playfully biting it,
kissing it and when his tongue touched it made me melt a little. He unclipped the
lingerie while I unbuttoned his shirt, while throwing it aside he seductively
whispered, "truthfully you look beautiful in this but you look gorgeous without it.”
With a little smile on my face he lifted me up and I was surprised because I am
not the lightest person and not many people can’t carry me. With candles lit
beside us, his kisses marked my whole body, laid against the wall, he lifted my
body on his shoulders with his face between my legs, he slipped his fingers inside
combined with his tongue on my clitoris sent shivers all over. Soon he was back to
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painting my body with tiny kisses, while I could feel him hard on my thigh, we
were so close I could feel the warmth of his body on mine and his scent strong but
pleasant. My legs around him when he penetrated me I released an unexpected
gasp. My arms wrapped around his waist, I had my face on his chest with my nails
going deeper into his back as I drew pleasure from every effortful thrust. It ended
with us laying in bed in the dark after all the candles burnt out, he held me close
to his chest to fall asleep, some things are just too good to be real, I couldn’t fall
asleep because I was waiting for something bad to happen, I didn’t know what it
was, maybe I expected to wake up and find out that this was all a dream… maybe
I passed out while drinking a few hours ago… or maybe I was just pessimistic. The
term "making love" always bothered me because how does a person make love
maybe I didn’t know how because I'm dumb as a doornail when it comes to
“love”, but how did sex make love, sex was just sexual intercourse in my opinion
or maybe in all my years I had lost it’s value.
Next morning, I couldn't really move because almost my whole bottom half of my
body was on pain I hadn’t been in positions like those in a while and even the
thought of it was blissful I was glad that at least I was in pain because it felt too
good. I got up and went to the bathroom.
Thabo peeked his head threw the door and closed it after realising I was in there.
Thabo: hayi mahn why does it smell like this, are you...
Me: no! And if I was why are you here?
Thabo: this is my room.
Me: what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.
Thabo: why are you even here?
Me: oh, so that’s what you're doing?
Thabo: are you just trying to annoy me?
I stayed silent for a few seconds and I heard the shower, he was taking a shower.
Me: Thabo! come back with an emergency contraceptive pill.
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Thabo: what?
Me: you know the pill that women take after sex, the morning after pill.
Thabo: you don't need one because nothing happened.
Me: fine if you want to get a baby in me.
Thabo: people only get pregnant if they have sex, okay, so stop acting like a 4 year
old child because sleeping in the same bed won’t lead to pregnancy?
Me: we did more than just sleep actually I think we had less sleep than you think,
you actually can't remember yesterday?
Thabo: you drugged me and raped me?
Me: no you were too drunk to remember.
Thabo: are you taking drugs again?
Me: what is that I feel in my abdominal area? It's your sperm fertilizing my egg.
Thabo: stop using drugs you're becoming delusional.
Me: I think my womb is getting bigger and soon I'll stop going on my monthlies
and I'm going to have a huge belly and I'm going to be moody and needy and all
because you didn't want to buy a pill, then you're going to have to start paying for
baby milk and baby diapers and if you think of divorcing me you'll have to start
paying child support— actually we're not getting divorced.
He came out steaming with a towel around his waist, his tattoo’s looking like a
work of art and his invisible abs looking like a whole cuisine. It came back to me
that the night before he had my back against the wall I got an uncomfortable
tingle down my spine and a warm feeling inside, which led me to awkwardly walk
away and also taking a shower.
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Then I remembered that a had a mini breakdown blabbering everything to him, it

was a release of everything and I felt relieved from the pain, but I guess it was silly
for me to think that Thabo would have had sex with me intentionally and I was
glad he didn’t remember because if he did then it would be awkward and if he
remembered anything I said last night he was going feel sorry for me and I didn’t
need his pity.
Thabo: what's the name of the pills?
Me: oh so you do admit to what you did?
Thabo: no, it's just for future reference.
Me: what do you mean future reference?
Thabo: I mean we're married so I don't guarantee anything.
Me: so we aren't getting divorced?
Thabo: I've never said anything about divorce?
Was he still drunk because we should’ve been fighting about something and we
weren’t which was out of the usual and I thought he threw a flirty comment, I
stayed inside the shower until he left because it was weird. He eventually left only
because he was running late.
After that oddly long conversation with Thabo I went to the kitchen for a
something to eat and gogo was there sitting, like she'd been waiting for my arrival
for a while, I hoped this didn’t become an odd conversation again.
Gogo: Hlengiwe, uyibekephi Ingane?
Me: cha gogo angisiye uHlengiwe, it’s Nhlalo.
Gogo: Hleniwe uphi uZanothabo, uyibekephi Ingane?

She started walking around the house looking for baby Thabo, I was afraid she
was going to hurt herself, so I followed her.
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Gogo: Julius, Hlengiwe usemlahlile futhi! Themba! Thembi! Uphi ubuthi wakho?
Themba! Sbongiseni, nikuphi!
I’ve never heard of all the people she was calling out to except Julius, I put the
pieces together and realised that maybe Hlengiwe is Thabo’s mother and Thabo
never told me he had a brother and maybe Sbongiseni was Thabo’s father, I
realised that I didn’t know anything about Thabo’s family and he never mentioned
them, she finally stopped and stared at me for a long time.
Gogo: can you make porridge?
Me: no not really.. actually not at all.

I thought it was about time I spilt the beans, so I told her I couldn't cook at all,
which led us to my upbringing and I thought she'd judge my parents like all people
do when it wasn’t their fault, my mother would have loved to teach me how to
cook but I wasn’t interested. I was surprised because she was pretty
understanding and when I explained how I grew up, although she wasn't
impressed with my upbringing she didn't judge my parents at all instead she
seemed happier to hear I couldn’t cook, she said she always wanted to teach her
kitchen secrets to her granddaughter not just Thabo and I guess I came close
enough. So at the end of the day I had made a few attempts cooking pap a few
burnt and some undercooked but at last I cooked an okay looking pap and it was
fun, I enjoyed spending time with Gogo and listening to her love story. It made
sense why she couldn’t stop looking Julius. At the end of the day, I felt like I could
cook a whole buffet of pap.
Thabo's grandmother reminded me a lot about my grandmother, although she

was a little cocky because she was a multimillionaires wife but she was nice to me
and I really liked her company, she died when I was 9 and I still can't remember
her funeral. She was from my mother's side and I've never met my father's family
before and he never used to talk about them, I'd wish to see my cousin's and
other people, maybe even my grandmother on his side too. My mother met when
my father when he started working as a garden boy and she was charmed and a
week passed and she was already pregnant with Muzi, they got married after her
parents found out and my father, Zikhali weapons was then passed down to my
father after uMkhulu retired… There was a misunderstanding at that time and
another person was given the job, my father said he spoke to him and that’s how
he got the position.
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Thinking of happy times made me realise that I was happy, I started daydreaming
of nonsense until someone threw his bag on the table.
Me: hayi mahn, don't you know it's rude not to announce your presence when
you enter a room?
Thabo: don't you know it's rude to forcefully live in someone's house without
their permission?
Me: mxm, you put a ring on it.
Thabo: is that all you think about?
Me: no! I was just thinking about something else, angazi wena ukuthi uxakekaphi.
He put a box of pills on the table.

Thabo: drink them now.
Me: are you admitting to what you did?
Thabo: no, I just don't want to raise someone else's kid.
Me: are you saying I'm having an affair!
Thabo: I don't know what you’re doing all day?
Me: how can I be sure that you're not sleeping with anyone too.
Thabo: does that bother you?
Me: no, for all I care you can sleep with your receptionist and all your patients
too. Why are you so bothered about me cheating.
Thabo: I'm not bothered by you cheating I just don't want to raise another man's
child.
Me: I value my marriage enough to be faithful.
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Thabo: that’s what your parents did and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Out of anger I threw the box of pills at him but that wasn’t enough so I threw the
glass of water(along with the glass) to his face.
Me: you have no right to judge my parents at least I know what it feels like to
have parents.
Thabo (while wearing a confusing grin): at least I know what it feels like to
actually be cared about.
I stood up and left the room, I couldn't believe we were shouting at each other
like my parents, I felt frightened by the thought of it, what if my marriage turned
out just like theirs, hopeless and miserable. I sat in a quiet corner looking outside
the window, maybe what my mother said about marriage was true, I realised
getting married might have been a mistake.
Gogo: seniyalwa njalo! Nina ngane zesimanje, kumendo wami kwathatha
iminyaka embili ukuthi nje silwe
Me: Gogo ilengane yakho!
Gogo: so your not my grandchild?

She sat next to me and held my hand while I laid my head on her shoulder, she
smelled old, you know the smell that almost all old aged people have… the smell
that my grandma had too.
Me: I’d like to think I am.
Gogo: lalela uZanothabo is complicated(believe me I knew) but you have to carry

on loving him until his workaholic self realises it. Now between me and you, I
should tell you that boy is emotionally dumb, he can’t see love even if it’s
standing right in front of him. Whenever you have a fight just think about your
wedding vows. You said for better and for worse now you have to turn those
vows into a reality.
I thought she came to me to take Thabo’s side and force me to apologise but she
was on my side and I was not even her real grandchild, but I didn’t like the term
she’s using for me 'caring' or 'liking' Thabo.
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Me: why is Thabo so stiff, when he has such a caring grandmother?
Gogo: I guess you’ll have to show him how to care.

She embraced me in her arms and cheerfully said, “granny loves you” there she
went again using that word, I felt awkward so I thought of any reason to get away
from her before she said that word again. It sounds insane but I don’t like using
the word love, too many people use it and most of those people misuse it.
Me: Thabo left the gate open, I’ll close it… then I’ll go talk to him.
Gogo: no, you go reconcile with uZano, I’ll go close the gate.
Me: thank you.
I went to the backyard, lit my cigarette and behind me sounded a lighter, I got a
little fright but it was just Thabo lighting his cigar.
Thabo: did you take those pills?
Me: not yet but it’s not like I have a baby growing in me already, so chill and don’t
act like you wouldn’t enjoy being a father.
Thabo: I would if my child’s mother wasn’t a con-artist who’s living off my money.
Me: oh come on! What have I ever asked you for? I’m not like Denise, I don’t sit
here all day drinking expensive champagne with my lover in our bed and I am so
low maintenance I’ve never even asked you to buy me clothes but I bet Denise
wanted to go shopping everyday.
Thabo: not everyday… just every Monday, Thursday and Saturday, if you carry on
bringing up Denise then just know I know more about you than you think and I
can also bring up your past relationship mistakes.
I took that as nothing but a threat, nobody knew me that well except for my
family.
Me: so does that mean that this isn’t a one of them. I’m starting to think you like
me back.
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Thabo: don’t flatter yourself.
Me: you like me, you want to hold me in your arms, spin me around and kiss me,
then you want to take me to our bedroom, strip me down and kiss me all over
then you’d take your boy would play with my girl, until boo—
On that exact moment, there was a scream and before I could make sense of it, I
heard gunshots… Gogo! I ran across the house kicking anything and everything in
my way, my heart was beating so fast, my chest ran out of air when I tried to
sound out a scream. When I got to the front door and from a distance I saw a
shooter pull the trigger and the bullet piercing threw her head and coming out
the other side with her blood along with it, the moment slowed down the
gunshots took me back to that moment when I held Mama in my arms she was
bleeding and with her hand she took her last strength and held my hand, the soil
slowly draining her soul from her body, the helplessness I had when she took her
last breathe and her body felt colder I tried hugging it or keeping it close to mine
but I couldn’t feel the warmth that she always gave off when she touched me.
This could not happen again.
“MAMA!” I tried to let out.

Thabo ran past me and when he got to the gate he took out a gun and started
shooting, I stood frozen from fear, if I got any closer then maybe I’d make things
worse. My mother would have never died if I didn’t try to be a superman, if only
I’d stayed away then maybe she would still be alive. This was all my fault, I should
have gone and closed the gate, she’d still be alive. I killed her, it should’ve been
my blood that was everywhere. She couldn’t get to see her great-grandchildren,
because of me, if Thabo married Denise then maybe she would have given her
that joy. I took a step closer and with every step, the guilt grew. When I got the
gate it felt like my feet were being pulled back by the guilt.
Her body laid next to the gate with her hands placed on her chest and her fingers
interlocked, Thabo was sitting next to her with the gun next to him and with no
tears, he was just looking at her, the same way he did when Denise died.
Me: I’m… sorry.

I sat next to him and held his cold hands, I leaned closer to him, he opened his
arm letting me lay my head on his shoulder. I also didn’t want to cry, I tried not to,
I really tried but soon I had my head hurried in Thabo’s shoulders trying to hide
the tears but I couldn’t stop myself from screaming from the pain, why would
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people just shoot an old harmless woman why are people so heartless! Thabo had
his arms around me trying to console me, he still hadn’t made a sound it must
have taken strength not to cry, or even let out a tear it felt like we were both
drunk from the grief, leaving me drowsy and I closed my eyes for a few minutes.
When I opened my eyes, I realised a few minutes became the whole night, I was
in bed, as I woke up Thabo came out of the shower.
Thabo: morning.
Me: morning…
He went about his day as he usually did, I was confused, was I just dreaming last
night, how could Thabo just be fine after his grandmothers death. I took a shower
and tried to collect my thoughts and think back to the night before and it all
seemed so real well it felt real. I went downstairs and no trace of anything, so
maybe I was dreaming, so where Thabo was grandmother then? I went to her
room she wasn’t there too, neither were any of her belongings. I wanted to ask
Thabo where his grandmother was but he had already left, I was being stupid! I
had a phone for a regrandmame:
Thabo where’s your grandma?

There was a loud noise in the background, I could’ve sworn it was loud knocking
or gunshots.
“I don’t have a grandmother anymore”

I ended the call because calling him mixed things up even more, I was starting to
think that I slipped and hit my head in the shower and maybe I fainted and
everything that happened was a long emotional dream. I looked around for a
clock and it was still there so that meant that it wasn’t a dream. I went to take a
cold water shower, after that I went outside to check if her blood was still there,
when I stepped outside, things became real…
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Chapter 11
As soon as I opened the door, I was met with body guards carrying SIG550 assault
riffles, I was pretty familiar with them since my father had bodyguards with us
every time we’d go on vacation. I slowly walked towards the gate and I was being
followed by two macho’s. At the gate there was no stain of blood… in fact the
gate had been changed completely, I hurried back inside before I became a victim
of another drive by shooting. The guards had lined the whole house except for the
inside. I got back inside, closed the curtains and took off my clothes, there was no
point in wearing them if I nobody was watching. I thought it be best if I stayed
inside playing video games with a glass of McAllen.
Time flies when you do something you enjoy and like that! It was noon and Thabo
came back, I could tell from his heavy footsteps as he walked up the stairs, I could
hear him walking down the passage towards our room, he came in and threw his
car keys next to me while he carried on going to the bathroom, he came out of
that bathroom and threw clothes to my face, he couldn’t understand that I was
busy trying to get the next level.
Thabo: put on some clothes, it could have been the one of the guards outside
then what?
Me: ask nicely and those guards are still as statues.
Thabo: but they still have eyes, you never know who’s looking outside the
window, it could even been our neighbours son.
Me: he’s weird… but not that weird and the curtains are closed.
Thabo: but I’m being serious put some clothes on before I also take mine off.
Me: take them off phela, I don’t mind.

His hand extended to take my glass so I quickly pushed it away and drank the
whole glass. From there we playfully bothered each other until we were both
under the sheets with my face down his genitals well I shouldn’t go into detail
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about everything I did to him and he did to me, it was too wild. What I will say is
that it was enjoyed. Afterwards I took a nap, not sure what Thabo did.
Woke up to the distinct smell of a Padron cigar, the window was open, I got
dressed and went down to light my own cigarette, I actually enjoyed this time. We
got to see the sun set while we talked about random things.
Me: uGogo once said she was failing you again what did she mean?
He was a little shocked by my presence.

Thabo: (sigh) she meant what she meant.
Me: Thabo what did she mean and why did you get so angry when she drank that
beer and why did yo—
Thabo: I was taken to a foster home when I was 12, after she drank all money she
earned and left Themba and I starving. What else!?
No wonder he got so infuriated when she started drinking again.
Me: who’s Themba?
Thabo: where’d you hear that?
Me: you just mentioned the name and Gogo mentioned her a few days ago.
Thabo: He’s my brother. He was my brother I was adopted and we separated.
Me: have you tried finding him?
Thabo: I have. But the foster home can’t find him in their records, so he basically
disappeared. I’m sorry for raising my voice, but you should really get to meet my
foster parent, Yvonne and her daughter Gail. Yvonne's in Mexico on a long
vacation.
Me: how old is she?
Thabo: are you getting jealous? Relax she’s 64 or 65 I can’t remember.
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Me: I have the right to be jealous… actually what happened to your family it’s just
that you never talk about them.
Thabo: what is there to say about them?
Me: don’t you have any other sibling that I don’t know about maybe?
Thabo: I’ve never asked you about your father’s children from his affairs so I
suggest you do the same.
Me: yoh, I just wanted to know, no need for being so defensive.

I left him alone, there really wasn’t a need for him to bite my head off. He was
acting like there was something he was hiding… actually there was something he
was hiding and I was going to find it, it was weird how I hadn’t stumbled onto a
room with his old things or at least one old photo of him as a child. I thought it
was time I looked into the rooms that I hadn’t bothered to look into before. Most
of the rooms were bedrooms, guestrooms and a few study rooms full of books
and none were photo albums, I had given up in my search in the third study room,
sat down on the chair and spun around for a few minutes, I was starting to
believe that Thabo would eventually tell me about his past if he wanted to. I
wondered what was in the drawers, I wasn’t surprised, there was nothing. I felt
something under the table when it finally got it out it was a small box inside it was
a hand gun completed with a silencer, I felt like I was missing something in all of
this, why would Thabo have a gun, maybe I was being paranoid maybe it was
there for self protection. I shouldn’t get ahead of myself and start jumping to
conclusions.
More days went by with no mention of when or if gogo was getting buried, or if
she had been buried then I should have been there and when I asked Thabo about
it he changed the subject or he just didn’t answer, we were back to step one, we
didn’t talk that much, except the afternoon smoke.
One morning I woke up and I realise it was the 4th of July, no not the American
holiday but my birthday last year I woke up to nothing, my mother slept out, my
father was on a business trip and my siblings didn’t give a damn about my
birthday, I didn’t care that they didn’t care I went to the bar and drank the whole
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day when I got home I found Muzi waiting up for me with a 21 shaped candle and
premium brandy all the way from Italy, the candle had burnt out but he was still
waiting, it was the sweetest thing to ever happen on my birthday. This 4 th of July I
woke up hoping that maybe I might get a call from Muzi wishing me a happy
birthday and maybe he might even ask how I was and where I was and if I was
fine like he used to whenever I came home later than usual. The hopeless
romantic in me wished to wake up to a bed full of flowers and a romantic gesture
but nothing, I was not even sure Thabo knew when my birthday is then I
remembered that I didn’t need anybody to help me celebrate my birthday I was
fine alone, so in a few minutes I had a cab waiting for me, I wanted to forget
everything and enjoy my day, the uncomfortable thought of asking Thabo for
money was unsettling, I remembered I had my emergency cash that I got from
selling my watch, I took R15 000 and went to a club to drink it all away, I didn’t
have the drugs anymore but the alcohol came close enough. I got to the club after
my first shot I lifted up the glass and announced that it was my birthday and I
wasn’t going to celebrate alone so I ordered a free drink for everyone. I had
another shot and sat down again.
Voice: hey stranger.
Me: Zweli.
He sat next to me and he was smiling making it clear he had a missing tooth, I
didn’t want to ask so I just assumed Ngema happened.
Zweli: thanks for the drink, what happened to you, I mean you just disappeared.
Me: I thought it was better I leave because your mother was nagging, sorry to say.
Zweli: maybe sometime we might meet up or just get high together.
Me: no, I mean I don't do that anymore.
Zweli: your loss then.
Me: Zweli! I was joking how about tomorrow at your place, you still live at that
penthouse?
Zweli: yeah I’ll see you tomorrow, are you here alone?
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Me: yeah, I thought I should just get fresh air away from my family.
I was not going to tell him that I was alone because everyone who I would think
would remember my birthday was busy with their own lives.
Zweli: I was just going to my place and don’t worry my mother’s gone… then
maybe we could celebrate the right way.
Me: if you mean shots and ecstasy then I’m in.

I spent the last hours of my birthday at Zweli's penthouse high on heroine and
some pills I took.
The second day of me being 22 and I didn’t feel so good, when I woke up it felt
like the whole world was on my shoulders and my head felt even heavier, when I
went back to Thabo’s house all I wanted was a strong cup of coffee, tablets for
the headache and a quiet long nap. I was too tired to wait for the water to boil for
coffee so I just went straight to bed.
Voice: look who decided to come back, I thought you’d finally left.
I got a fright but soon realised it was Thabo, since we were the only people who
lived there except for the guards lining the house, I didn’t realise there was
someone on the other side of the bed when I got on.
Me: sawubona nawe, aren’t you supposed to be at your 9 to 5 by now?
Thabo: uyangijwayela, at least I have a job,
Me: so you’re not going to ask where I was?
Thabo: from the smell of it you were, drinking all night.
Me: yeah, the best way to spend my birthday right?

I couldn’t hear what he said next, as I drifted away to my sweet slumber.
After my nap, I felt too tired to wake up, so I laid in bed for minutes trying to
ignore the phone ringing next to me, I tried to ignore it but it didn’t stop, when it
rang for the fourth time I got annoyed and answered it.
“Mr Langa, have you found her”
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It was a female voice and I didn’t know who needed to be found.
Me: good evening who is this?
Her: Felicia Motaung, Mr Langa's personal assistant and you are?
Me: Mrs Motaung, I hope, it doesn’t matter who I am, the matter you were
enquiring about is it work related?
Her: no, it’s just that Mr Langa was looking for his wife last night I was asking if
he’d found her.
Me: it would be in your best interest if you don’t call for matters that don’t
concern you or that are not work related it’s very rude of you to just call for petty
matt—
The phone was snatched from my hands and the call was ended.
Thabo: my wife I didn’t know you get jealous just over a PA.
Me: my father had an affair with her PA. I didn’t know my husband can’t sleep
when I’m not here, no wonder you didn’t go to work you were missing me.
I finally got up and went to the bathroom to start taking a shower.
Thabo: make that shower quick we need to go, now.

Some people can just be rude, he was ordering me, that just gave me more
reason to make the shower longer, I didn’t understand what would be so
important that it needed me immediately.
When I got to the car he was impatiently tapping his foot.

Me: Yoh chill, where are we going?
I thought maybe he planned a surprise birthday party for me.
Thabo: a funeral.
Me: your grandmothers funeral, don’t say it like it a stranger’s funeral.
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We got to the graveyard, it was only the two of us and her casket waiting to be
lowered to the ground, my only wish at this exact moment was to find those
shooters and kill them, why would they kill a person who had no weapons and
wouldn’t cause them any harm. I got closer to the casket, softly touched it, if she
didn’t go close the gate then it would be me in the casket, she saved me. I silently
said to myself that I would let these people live in peace after this.
The rest of the day was very silent, the ride back to Thabo’s house, dinner and
there was a silent night of cuddling. I wanted to say so many things but Thabo
clearly wasn’t interested and I wasn’t going to talk to myself, I didn’t want to
disturb his grieving process.
The next morning I expected things to be the same but I woke up to a “good
morning” and a plate of breakfast waiting for me in the microwave. I stared at it
for a while, maybe I was examining it to see if there wasn’t rat poison in it. I
skipped breakfast and took a shot of heroine, Xanax and a pill. I took them from
Zweli. Afterwards I carried on with my day carrying on with my day as per usual, I
don’t remember what happened that day but I woke up to Thabo calling my
name.
Thabo: Yini Lena?
Me: I don’t know what those are.
Thabo: Nhlalo! These are fuckin drugs!

I couldn’t deny it, I looked away trying to hide the guilt in my eyes, the door open
and I realised he left. I sat down on the chair, laid my head of the table and
started whispering, “I won’t cry”, I couldn’t understand why I kept on going back
to the drugs, In could stay clean for a whole two weeks but that one moment
suddenly became the destruction of my marriage. I knew I was leaving, I knew
Thabo would come back with divorce papers and I would sign them without any
fighting.
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He came back and gave me a pamphlet.

Thabo: you’re going to rehab.
Me: cha.
If I went to rehab that would mean I was an addict and I needed help to stop. I
didn’t need help I thought I was capable of stopping wherever I wanted to.
Thabo: I’m not going to be married to a drug addict.
Me: I’m not an addict! And if you don’t want to be married to me don’t use this as
an excuse.
Thabo: Oh.
He took the keys and left, I clicked my tongue and went to fetch a bottle of vodka.
I wanted to be drunk so badly that I drank it straight from the bottle. I don’t know
what I was thinking, I threw up straight afterwards. The door opened, I opened
the kitchen drawer and took the first utensil I could feel. Thabo came in behind
him 2 guards came in with 2 plastics bags full of bottles with a green substance in
them. I gave a sigh relief and laughed a little when I realised I was holding a
teaspoon. I went to sleep afterwards.
The next morning, the first thing I saw was Thabo sitting on a chair across the
room looking at me. I was creeped out but I laughed it off while I wrapped myself
in the covers and got out of bed.
Me: morning weirdo, so are you just going to stare or are you going to do
something?
Thabo: Maybe I might do something.
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He locked the door before he came over to me started kissing me. I dropped the
covers, his fingers webbed his way around my body. We kissed each other around
the room until Thabo was shirtless that’s when I pushed him onto the bed, he
seemed surprised. I got on top of him, started kissing his tattoos, I was barely in
clothes but Thabo was all dressed ready to go to work. He rolled over and I was
under. Kissing. Touching. Enjoying... Feeling. We barely had sex and when it did
happen it felt like sparks flew, it made every moment of it memorable. We got to
where we we’re heading. He was on top of me balancing his weight in his arms.
Honestly, morning sex was the best. There was no darkness to hide under nor
covers or blankets to creep between and we still had all the energy of the day.
Thabo: so you still don’t want to go to rehab?
Me: no. People who go to rehab are those who are incapable of controlling
themselves. I’m not one of them.
Thabo: okay, so explain to me how you control your addiction. You just wake up
one morning and you don’t want the drugs anymore?
Me: yes, heroine is as much of a drug as beer and whiskey, so I don’t get why you
want me to go to rehab so badly?
Thabo: Nhlalo. I know of people who’ve lost themselves to drugs. I don’t want you
to drown into them too.
Me: what’s the worst that can happen? It’s not like I can’t live without them.
Thabo: Nhlalo, help yourself before you get caught in this web. Addiction is a
viscous cycle. I need you to work with me before drugs control your life. Fine
don’t go to rehab but I’ll need you to be clean for a week.
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I realised he wasn’t going to stop talking like I was going to die, he was concerned
about me but I thought I wasn’t like Zweli, I wasn’t going to use everything in my
sight, I was just after the feeling of having nothing but euphoria surround me.
Me: I’ll do it but I’m not promising anything.

He smiled leaving bed and came back with a cup of green juice. The bottles of
something were detox.
Thabo: drink.
I drank it and stayed in bed, watching TV. I knew I wasn’t an addict and that was
why I wasn’t feeling the detox. As the day went by I got uncomfortable cramps
and I felt sick. I stood up and ran to the bathroom, kneeled in front of the toilet
and threw up. The thing tasted horrible so I wasn’t surprised I was throwing up. I
wasn’t going to tell Thabo because he’d say “I told you so” well… not exactly, even
though he wouldn’t say it, he’d think of it.
Days passed with me feeling hungry and sick. I knew it was for my own good but I
also had the stubbornness of feeling like I could stop drugs whenever I wanted to.
The fourth day felt like the worst, I skipped breakfast and lunch, I threw it out if
the window hoping the birds would eat it or the neighbours dog would eat it. I
was sick. I was sick of the detox. I was convinced and had accepted the fact that I
was taking drugs and I didn’t have control over them but I wasn’t an addict. I even
thought an overdose might feel better than the detox process. For the 3 days
Thabo didn’t go to work just to watch over me.
Me: do you like seeing me like this! Just because I had one pill.
Thabo: I’ve seen too many people die from drugs.
Me: Thabo, I feel sick, I’ve been throwing up all day and I feel dizzy are you sure
this thing works and I won’t die from malnutrition?
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Thabo: it’s safe, but I just guess you haven’t been eating.
Of course I wasn’t eating the food tasted horrible and sour.
Me: I can’t. I don’t feel well. I feel dizzy and I’m tired of throwing up. I won’t take
drugs again. I swear.
I lied, I was already thinking of drugs, thinking if my next high, the second Thabo
left the room I knew I’d leave and I’d go get high with Zweli. I was hooked. I
followed behind Thabo, grabbing the keys and on my way out when we parted
ways as he went to the kitchen. I got inside the car I couldn’t start it, it twisted the
key for minutes, I needed the drugs. The more I twisted the key and the car didn’t
start the shorter my patients was cut. Thabo did something to the car, I knew it
when he stood near the door drinking coffee. He took a sip from it and left. The
steering wheel became my punching bag, I threw punches at one point kicking it
while swearing. I opened the hood the battery was missing. I wasn’t going
anywhere, I went back inside and drank the whole bar empty.
Thabo sat next me, he had an annoying look on his face, I knew what he wanted
to say, “go to rehab”, “too many people die from drugs and I can’t let one of them
be you” and “the detox won’t heal you but it will give you a first step.” i had heard
it way to many times.
Me: why are you doing this to me? I just need the high.
Thabo: I’m doing it because I care. You have to fight this, fight it with me. This
time I care enough to go all the way to save my wife.
I wasn’t sure what he meant by that but I knew where he was going with it.
Me: I need this, it’s in my blood and it’s a part of me now. What do you want me
to do? I’ll do anything, just put the car battery back in.
I stood up and tried walking out of the door, he stood in front of me and locked it.
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Thabo: Nhlalo I love you… and I won’t let you destroy yourself, now I just need
you to fight this.
It didn’t hit me that he said “I love you” until later that day. He gave me a bear
hug, I hit him with the best punches I had in me… he kept on hugging me, hugging
the anger out. I ran out of breathe, I caved in crying. This wasn’t me. It wasn’t
who I thought I’d ever be, I thought I was in control of it all, it seemed I thought
wrong.
Me: does rehab feel like this?
Thabo: …I don’t know , maybe it’s better.
Me: so this is what being 22 feels like but maybe after I’ve dehydrated and lost all
my energy we can have a baby. Gogo would’ve liked that.
He grinned looking at the window, he said “I’ll be back” before leaving. I never
asked where he went, maybe I was too sick to ask. I don’t remember what kept
me from going to get high with Zweli that night ,all doors were locked, I could’ve
easily broken a window and made a run for it, or I was probably drunk from
drinking a bottle of strong beer that rendered me too drunk to drive or navigate
where I was going. When Thabo came back I was eating sushi or fish, he was so
drunk, not drunk to the point where he couldn’t stand, he could walk by himself
just fine from he’s first words he said, I could tell he was drunk, he was acting
goofy in the way he handed me his card, I was also drunk so nothing god could
come from it.
Me: are you fine?
Thabo: Why are you asking, I did drink a little , I’m fine or do you not deserve to
celebrate your birthday the right way? You should go buy you should buy yourself
a something like new hair or nails or something.
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The best birthday gift I ever got was the watch my father bought me. Clothes and
nails were nowhere close.
Me: all I want for my birthday is control over my life.

He got closer to me, I moved away but he kept getting closer until I stopped and
he hugged me, I didn’t hug him back! He placed my arms around him, that didn’t
mean I hugged him willingly. Truth is I can’t hug people, I never know how to
wrap my arms around a person, then the hug ends up being awkward because I’m
unable to read people’s arms. A hug escalated to curling in bed while watching a
movie. I couldn’t focus on what was going on because my head was wrapped
around how people would just shoot an elderly woman I knew I shouldn’t
overthink it and it was probably some crazy drug addict who got too high to know
what they were doing but it just seemed planned and how didn’t they shoot
anyone else but her?
Me: I want to find those thugs, I will find them and I will make sure that they
regret what they did.
Thabo: don’t worry they’ve already been taken care of.

I stayed quiet for a few seconds, wondering if he killed them? No I was sure he
meant he opened a case against them and the shooters are currently being
pursued.
Me: you mean they found them and you got them arrested or you just told the
police?
Thabo: no, I mean they’re currently being dealt with.
Me: I know the police are looking for them.
Thabo: that’s cute.

Did he just call me cute! I hate being called that, it’s the last thing I ever want to
be referred to, it just makes it seems I’m a baby.
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Thabo: I mean it’s cute that you think police care about these shootings, they
have better things to do than look into these sort of shootings they probably
sitting at the police station laughing their corrupt ass's off, not even bothered
about these gang wars.
Me: gang wars…
Thabo: these are the results of marrying a person you don’t know, (he laughed a
little) ok listen I’m not a therapist, well I did go medical school and I am qualified
but it doesn’t pay as much or as quickly as what I do. Threw my years with my
foster family I learnt a few things from Kenneth, Yvonne's husband. I chose do
something legal but my grandmother was in dying, then I joined Kenneth in his
illegal business.
Me: I like drunk you.
Thabo: have I ever told you about the time I shot myself?
Me: did you die?

I dozed off while listening to the weirdest bunch of lies I ever heard, because
apparently he accidentally shot himself on his foot while driving, besides the fact
that the whole story was a huge lie it was funny. Why couldn’t he stay drunk
forever, he talked too much but I like it.
There was a ringing sound that woke me up, it was in the middle of the night why
do people call so late, it might have been that Felicia girl again, I believed she
wanted to be more than just a PA. I answered and stayed silent for few seconds
waiting for the other person to start talking but they ended the call. I was too
warm on the bed to switch off the TV after Thabo said he’d switch it off when he
fell asleep. The phone rang again I wasn’t going to answer it this time yet this
person just wasn’t giving up. The phone rang seven times before Thabo decided
to wake up and answer it, starting off the conversation with a deep, annoyed
groan.
Thabo: ngyeza.
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He started pulling away from me, I acted like I was asleep as he continued
wearing a jacket. I’ve done this so many times, almost half the time I would leave
in the middle of the night, if not I would just leave once I got bored. I was deciding
if I really wanted to follow Thabo. I’m nosey so I decided I should like every other
normal person would, he left the car keys and the car was still in the garage with
it’s engine this time.
I followed the car he left in. He was driving out of town, at some point I thought if
going back to his, getting into bed and rolling myself in the blankets, I’d come too
far not to know where he was going. He made a turn into a fancy motel, I was so
sure he was sleeping with his receptionist. I silently followed him as he passed
the reception, taking the stairs going to a lower floor until he got into a small
room not just any room he walked straight into a freezer, I just assumed they
liked having sex on ice cold floors. I stood outside watching his every move from
the window, there was another man in the room, one of the groomsmen from the
wedding.
Wait.. was Thabo… no!
To my relief they didn’t start kissing or stripping down, instead Thabo took a glass
and poured whiskey. There was a table with 2 glasses, a bottle of whiskey and a
knife. He took off his jacket and picked up the knife and started walking across the
room. Across the room there were 8 men all tied up with scars all over their
bodies, I was still confused trying to make out what’s going on. With a glass of
whiskey in his hands he sat on a chair which was in front of the 8 men.
Thabo: I hope you enjoyed your meal, because it’s going to be your last… soon
you’re going to start feeling empty inside… feel a little hungrier, the bacteria is
going to start eating you slowly inside out and you’re going to feel every little part
of your body die from the inside.
Their veins started popping out and their screams got louder, their stomachs
became more red to the eye.
One of the people: make it stop and I’ll tell you who sent us!
Thabo burst from his chair attacking the person with a knife, he stabbed him,
slowly hushing into his ears when he pulled he knife out. I closed my eyes and
kneelt down feeling a bit disgusted by the blood.
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Thabo: it’s not about who sent you! You really think I give a fuck a out who sent
you! No, this is what you get for pulling the trigger on an old woman who did
nothing to you!
This is what Thabo meant by “they were being taken care of”, those 8 people
were the shooters I felt less sick and I got back up to watch them pay for what
they did. Thabo sat back down on the chair and watched as all 8 men had their
guts falling from their empty belly’s, I wished to get revenge but watching them
all scream while all their skin melted off their faces and disappearing onto the
floor seemed so harsh, the sight of it was unpleasant, I felt my stomach turning
which ended in me throwing up and making my presence known.
When I looked up there was a flashlight facing me, I grew nervous realising that I
might die, I knew I had to run. When I got to the car I drove as fast as I could, I felt
like I was having a heart attack where my heart kept beating faster, all the air felt
like it had been sucked out of me and I was shacking. I couldn’t drive straight but I
made it back to Thabo the killers house, took the gun I saw in his study room and
started packing my a few pairs of clothes. I wasn’t afraid of him I was worried of
what he might do to me because of what I witnessed. I was about to leave when
he came running threw the front door, he still had the bloody knife in his hands.
Thabo: listen I can explain.
Me: ungasondeli!
I cocked the gun and stood where I was pointing the gun at him.
Thabo: Nhlalo, calm down and let’s talk.
Me: that’s what you say but I know you want to kill me, keep your hands up and
drop the knife!
He slowly put the knife down keeping his hands up, I just wanted to get out of
there before he killed me.
Thabo: Calm down, it’s not what you think.
Me: keep your hands up and let me walk out of here I didn’t see anything, I saw n-
nothing(he was getting closer to me) k-keep your distance! Or else!
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One of his arms lowered I was sure he was taking out a gun before he shot me or
even dared to, I pulled the trigger. I ran past him, I wanted to look back and see if
he’s fine but I was too worried about saving myself. I started the car and I was
going to drive so far away that Thabo would never be able to find me. I realised I
was on my last bar of fuel and without money I couldn’t get anywhere. I was in
such a hurry I had forgotten to take my emergency cash, my last option was Zweli.
So there I was in the middle of the night standing in front of Zweli’s door, a girl
wearing close to nothing opened the door, I walked in to find Zweli in doggy style
position on the couch with another girl, it happened again, I threw up again but
that time I managed to make it to the kitchen sink.
Zweli: let’s make this a foursome!
Me: I’m not even here, carry on sharing your STDs.

I passed them taking a small packet of coke with me to the bedroom, I’ve never
needed it as much as I did that day, but it still couldn’t silent the porn show
happening in the other room, I couldn’t fall asleep because no matter how much I
tried I couldn’t silence the people in the other room they were screaming like
Zweli had an anaconda in his pants, it wasn’t that big and his game wasn’t that
good, I’ve had better. I couldn’t get high enough, my stomach kept turning I
ended up throwing up nothing
Next morning I realised I found a way to fall asleep when I woke up under the
pillows. Zweli came in with a cup of coffee and gave it to me.
Zweli: you miss me too much.
I gave a fake laugh hiding my worry, I couldn’t hold the cup without shaking.
Me: hey… can I borrow R5 000 I promise I’ll pay you back but I need right now.
Zweli: do you know how much the drugs you’ve been getting from me cost? You
should be on your knees sucking my dick… like 2 weeks ago.
I threw the coffee into his face followed by the cup, I held him by the collar of his
shirt and pinned him to the wall.
Me: you are the most spoilt asshole I know, don’t act like you worked for the
money you’ve been spending! I fuckin saved your ass from an overdose but
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money means more to you! You can buy all the drugs you need but you should
get a penis enlargement first.
I took all the drugs on his table and left, I was going to get as far one bar of fuel
would get me. I got in the car and I started driving I didn’t know where I was
going, but I had gotten out of town and I wanted to see how far I would go. There
was a road block ahead of me and I wasn’t in the best position, I didn’t have my
license with me and I had a plastic full of drugs. They stopped me and asked for
my license, I tried to make myself an excuse saying I was running away from my
abusive boyfriend and I didn’t have enough time to get my licence they didn’t
seem convinced. I got out of the car, I was cuffed and pushed against the car, they
searched the car and found the bag full of all sorts of drugs.
Me: what are those?
Cop: are these yours?
Me: no, I think they’re my boyfriends, I’ve never seen those things in my life.
He walked away for a while, I was still held down to the car waiting for him to
make up his mind.
Me: mam, if you knew how hot this car is you wouldn’t be slamming my face
against it so hard.
Her: if you knew the number of year you’re going to serve for those drugs you
wouldn’t be talking so much.
The male traffic cop came back, I hoped he believed me.

Him: you’re under arrest for possession of illegal drugs, driving without a licence
and stealing this car which was reported stolen this morning.
I was cuffed and forced into their car then they threw me into a jail cell, I was
worried that Thabo might find me and he’d kill me once he did or he might not kill
me himself, he might send someone to kill me or he might poison the food and I
might decompose to nothing in just a few minutes. I didn’t eat the whole day and
the next morning too.
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Being alone in a cell got me thinking about how I had nothing, my whole life, I had
earned nothing that I could call mine that was worth value. I had the
qualifications to be a receptionist, well almost I was doing my last year in
university. I had experience and I was qualified but in a world where qualifications
were measured by degree’s and diploma’s I wouldn’t stand a chance. The only
thing I had was my matric certificate.
Police officer: you have a visitor.
Me: I don’t want to see them and I’m not going anywhere.
Thabo: then you can stay inside that cell and listen to me.
He was walking slowly towards the cell, I could see the bandaging around his arm.
Me: came to finish me off?
Thabo: wouldn’t you want to do the same to the people who killed your parents?
Wouldn’t you want them to feel the exact same pain?... Thought so.
Maybe I exaggerated a little after all I too was trying to find the people that killed
my parents.
Me: if you attempt to kill me and you succeed just keep in mind I’ll haunt you.
Thabo: why did you have drugs with you?
Me: I don’t know. Why were there drugs in your car, that’s the question.
Thabo: I know I didn’t have drugs in my car… so don’t try lying your way out if this
or else I won’t bail you out.
Me: fine, I gave this woman a lift then I guess it’s her bag and her drugs.
Thabo: carry on lying and I’ll leave you here.

A police officer came and opened the jail cell, I had to sign the bail papers the car
theft charges must have been dropped and they wouldn’t arrest me for a bag of
drugs which I made clear wasn’t mine. Afterwards Thabo and I made our way to
his car.
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Me: sorry… for shooting you… but it was self defence.
Thabo: stepping on me and breaking my rib was also self defence?
Me: I said I’m sorry.
Thabo: prove it.

He weirdly pouted his lips, he expected a kiss but what I did seemed funnier, I
applied Vaseline on his lips, he looked at me without expression and got in the
car, I followed.
Me: your lips looked dry.
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Chapter 12
Somehow things seemed better than before, in a way that I couldn’t explain there
was a change although small it made everything much more intimate. Of course
my pessimistic self kept on expecting something bad to happen, the next morning
I was so convinced on finding something bad I deliberately burnt my breakfast to
make feed my obsession with bad things happening to me as if feeling under the
weather wasn’t enough. While I was eating, prettyboy or whatever his name was
walked in passed the kitchen without greeting me and headed for the stairs.
Me: yey! You can’t just walk in here and not saying a word, don’t you have
manners?
Him: molo, oh I’m sorry (in a British accent) good day madam.
Me: and I’ll get you arrested if you try to pull some sort of stunt.
Prettyboy (sarcastically): oh no. I wanted to steal your fridge, I’m just obsessed
with them, I already have 5 at home and I wanted to complete my collection.
I showed him my middle finger and continued eating, the food tasted even worse
after he metaphorically strangled me with his cologne. I wanted peanut butter or
ice cream with cookies actually ice cream with peanut flavoured cookies. Maybe if
I looked for them sooner I would have found them, there was a packet of half
eaten biscuits, peanuts and ice cream, I also found honey and I added it for taste,
I was enjoying what tasted like the best food ever at the time.
I woke up later than usual, I expected Thabo to be at work by now I was shocked
to see him coming downstairs with prettyboy following him, they were carrying 2
briefcases with them, I felt even more sick, all my food was coming back, I tried to
make a run for the kitchen sink but I didn’t make it and it was all over the floor.
Prettyboy: hayi man coconut wenzani manje!
Thabo: maybe it’s the drugs you’ve been using.
Prettyboy: don’t you need rehab or something?
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Me: prettyboy, you can fuck yourself preferably outside this conversation.
Prettyboy took both briefcases and left.
Thabo: or maybe it’s the shit you’re eating… what is this?
Me: taste it, it’s really good, peanut butter, Oreo's and ice cream.
Thabo: no wonder you’re vomiting, yini loy'dlayo?
Me: oh so fried pickles are a cuisine?
Thabo: they’re better than your dog shit.

That led to us making a bet, since I knew the food I ate was a thousand times
healthier than the junk he ate, the bet was he would eat my food and I would eat
the food he made. Lunchtime came and the food was set, I boiled a few veggies
and Thabo made something with flour. We were in the kitchen when I decided to
taste whatever he made.
Me: This tastes like oil mixed with sugar and flour.
Thabo: this tastes like rabbit food actually are you trying to turn me into a rabbit
so you can fry me… I’m sorry so you can BOIL me and eat me.
Me: I’d rather go hungry than to eat you.

In seconds I had been twirled around, held tight by the waist and kissed.
Thabo: I wouldn’t mind taking a bite out of you.

Me: don’t say I didn’t warn you when I vomit into your mouth.
He pushed me away while I also pulled away rolling my eyes.
Thabo: uyanyanyisa.
The day went on, I thought I was getting better, until the next morning, it got
worse I was in the bathroom every ten minutes, I knew it was because of the
food. I was in the bathroom, with my head half way into the sink when Thabo
came in and pulled me out of the bathroom.
Thabo: let’s go.
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Me: where to?
Thabo: the doctor, before you paint the whole house with your vomit, I swear it’s
the drugs.
Me: just because you don’t want to admit to your food making me sick, I was fine
before you fed me your poison.
He gave me a barf bag and we left.
On our way to the doctor we were quarrelling over the reason I was been sick, I
believed it was food poisoning but Thabo was adamant that I had a stomach bug
or it was the drugs. He didn’t want to admit to feeding me junk, he did it on
purpose, he kept on telling me he felt better than ever. We got to doctor’s office
still unable to reach an agreement, I wasn’t prepared to back down.
Doctor Patel: morning Mr and Mrs Langa what can I help you with today.
She looked at me up and down and I remembered she was the doctor who I came
to when I had a miscarriage.
Thabo: she’s been vomiting like a baby, I’m worried she might be sick with
something contagious.
Me: I suspect light food poisoning.
Thabo: my cooking isn’t that bad.
Doctor: Mr Langa I’d like to examine Mrs Langa alone.

I stuck my tongue out at him when he left. I knew the only reason I was feeling
that way was because of his extra salty or extra sweet or extra oily unhealthy
food. The doctor examined me, the whole time I expected her to say I’ve been
reacting to some sort of food poisoning, when she was done she looked at me for
a while, I expected her to say something like, “never eat food cooked by your
husband ever again.”
Doctor Patel: we found remains of drugs in your system again… Mrs Langa.
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She remembered me and again I had to lie about the drugs.
Me: I’ve never had drugs in my life Doctor maybe they came back wrong.
Doctor Patel: we’ve never made such a mistake in this hospital but the tests also
revealed that Mrs Langa, you are with child, congratulations.
I thought she’d been high on something, I didn’t come with a child here I know
sometimes Thabo does look like a child especially when he’s wearing thick jackets
like that day, winter struck hard.
Me: thank you.

I walked out not wanting to discuss the matter any further, I just wanted to hear
her say that I was poisoned.
In the car on the back to Thabo’s house.

Thabo: what did the doctor say? I think I deserve to know or did she say you’re
intestines forcing out the annoying in you?
Me: you’re doctor is high on something I tell you.
Thabo: she said you’re a drug addict?
Me: no she said something like I came with a child… no! Her exact words where, (I
tried my best to imitate her accent) “Mrs Langa” that’s me by the way, “ you are
with child” she’s high on dagga ngyakutshe—
The car dramatically stopped, in the middle of the road.
Thabo: you are with child? Shit.
Me: I’m with child?

Thabo got out of the car and lit a cigar, he seemed to understand what Doctor
Patel meant, I followed him out of the car.
Me: are you fine?
Thabo: did you take the pill?
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Me: which pill, again. What are we talking about?
Thabo: the morning after pill, did you take it?
Me: I don’t know… a lot happened, I don’t remember.
Thabo: well try to remember and just tell me if you took it or not.
Me: I guess I didn’t, it slipped my mind.
Thabo: and now you’re pregnant.

I couldn’t believe it, my heart started to beat heavily, I was anxious, euphoric and
worried all at the same time, I couldn’t believe I could be so dumb not to realise it
how could I not feel it. I took a few deep breathes, feeling my heart enlighten with
the purest joy I’ve ever felt, a tear of joy ran down my cheek. Thabo didn’t seem
so happy, I remembered when he got drunk because Denise told him she was
pregnant, I couldn’t help but think he didn’t want to keep it, only if it was his. I
had no control over what I did when I was high and just two weeks ago I might
have slept with Zweli.
Thabo: well… is it mine?
Me: I don’t know.

My joy was quickly overshadowed by fear. The fear that I could have been
carrying Zweli's child. I looked down and my belly thinking of the shame I’d have
when I told my child her father was an entitled drug addict. I was also afraid I
might have just destroyed my marriage.
Thabo: what happened to “I value my marriage enough to be faithful”? Huh?
Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t know what I was doing, I’m not even sure of what I did.
Thabo I’m afraid, what if it’s actually Zweli’s…
Thabo: then it’s my luck.
Me: do you even want a child? I mean if it is yours, do you want it?
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He threw the cigar into the street and got into the car, he started the engine and I
knew I had to get into the car. He made a U-turn.
On the way back to doctor Patel's office, I started imagining myself holding him in
my arms, I wasn’t planning on having a child but now that it had happened I
seemed to like the idea of it, if it was Thabo’s child, I could give Gogo her last
wish, I just felt awful that she couldn’t get to know that her wish had been
fulfilled before she left.
We went back into doctor Patel's office now knowing what was happening to my
body.
Doctor: back so soon?
Thabo: we had to go somewhere real quick, so how’s my… the baby?

I already felt like a bad mother at the realisation that I’d been consuming drugs
while I had a baby growing inside me and that there was a chance of the child not
being Thabo's, I felt like a whole Denise. I laid on the bed and stared at the screen
amazed by the little life in me.
Doctor: well, your child looks fine, he’s four to five weeks by the looks of it, he’s a
strong one, I mean he’s survived your drug abuse.
I looked at Thabo nodding my head telling him it was his before I stood up and
walked out, I was happy that the child is Thabo’s but it was killing me how I could
have killed or hurt him.
I wanted a to get a drink of water maybe it could help swallow the bitter pill of
nearly murdering my baby. On my way to getting a drink of water, I bumped into
Zweli, I wondered why he was at hospital that time. He pinned me to the wall
with a handful of my shirt scrunched between his fists.
Zweli: you… I want my stuff, you think you can just run away with it and I wouldn’t
find you!
I pushed him off me and lightly strangled him, squeezing his cheeks.
Me: Zweli I’m not in the mood and I’ll never be in the mood for your childishness,
I’m ready to grow up, I just found out I’m pregn…
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He pushed my hands off his face before he looked at my belly. He hugged me,
spun me around and got down on one knee facing my belly.
Zweli: that’s my baby?!
Me: no!
I saw tears in his eyes of joy and he carried on smiling even when I told him it
wasn’t his.
Zweli: come on don’t hide it from me, it’s my child right? I want to raise my child.
Me: it’s not yours.

He looked at my belly again, when he looked up he had tears running down his
cheeks.
Zweli: Nhlalo I swear I’ll do you right, I love you and I love this child. I’ll get a job if
you want me to, we can get married tomorrow if you want us to… I’ll stop drugs
if you want me to, just let me raise this child with you.
Me: Zweli, it’s not yours!
He held my hand and kissed it.

Zweli: why don’t you want to admit it’s mine? Is it the drugs? I’ll stop then. Is it
my mother? I promise you she’ll love you for giving her a grandch—
Me: it’s not yours! now stop making a scene and leave me alone!
Anger grew inside me, I snatched the bottle of water in his hands and drank all of
it before I went back to the doctor’s office, he was trying to tell me something
while I was walking away, before I could get inside I bumped into Thabo he was
exiting the room.
Thabo: we can go, miss dramatic exits.

I held his hand and I squeezed it, hoping he’d feel the pain I was in, he lightly
kissed my hand, some of my nervousness was eased, the bright side of the
situation was that my baby was still fine. On the trip back to Thabo’s house, I
couldn’t keep concentration on anything, I kept my hand on my belly just waiting
for that moment when I looked like I swallowed a ball and the little baby kicks
would start showing, I looked over my shoulder time and time again waiting for
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Thabo to say something, anything that could answer a question I wanted to ask
but didn’t know how to. I wanted to ask him, if he wanted to have a child. I wasn’t
prepared to get an abortion even if it meant divorcing Thabo.
When we got to his house I felt so hungry, I ate my healthy food and Thabo
admitted to being a junk eater, but defended his food choice by saying it wasn’t
the reason I was sick. He went to change his shoes while I stayed in the kitchen
gobbling almost everything in the fridge, I was bored, I knew I was going to vomit
it out in a few minutes. That’s when the front door violently opened, Zweli coming
in looking angry, from the white marks near his nose I could tell he was high, he
had blood coming from his nose too.
Zweli: where is he! Where the fuck is the asshole who's tryna take my baby away
from me.
Me: Zweli, Wenzani you can’t just walking in here, nobody’s tryna take away your
baby because it isn’t yours to begin with! Ok? I’m married and it’s my husband’s
child.
He took out a gun, I tried running, he held me by my arm holding the gun to my
head, I felt my heart drop, slowly I started breathing deeply, I was scared, scared
of what he would do with the gun, I didn’t want to take a chance and start
fighting him, I wouldn’t mind loosing my life in that way but for the little human
inside me I chose to not fight.
Zweli: Where is he?! Yo! Mother fucker get your balls here before I shoot her!
Don’t press my buttons I will shoot!
I saw Thabo coming towards us he pulled a knife from the kitchen drawer, I didn’t
want Zweli to know Thabo was coming from behind.
Me: please, leave now before something bad happens to you.
Zweli: you can’t do anything to me because you’re in love with me, so I’ll get rid of
whoever this mother fucker is and we can live together as a happy family so
fuckin tell me who this man is, or else I’ll shoot you righ—
At that moment I saw the thin end of the blade peaking threw his stomach. It was
like he couldn’t believe it too, he slowly looked down at the knife, I pulled away
from his hold. I realised Zweli wasn’t just a drug addict he was also crazy, he
thought I was in love with him, his words made me angry but the anger was
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overpowered by the situation, he had just got stabbed, I knew the feeling well,
blood leaked from his mouth I was frozen asking myself if he was really dying. He
was on his knees when I actually believed he was actually dying, Thabo watched
over him as if Thabo as if Zweli was an ant slowly suffering in front of him but
clearly Zweli’s life didn’t matter to him. I took a breathe of relief when he got on
both knees, I really thought something was going to happen to me.
Thabo: are you fine? He didn’t harm you and our baby?
He had just answered the question I wanted to ask him, “OUR baby” was the
answer, maybe we could save our marriage after all. Suddenly! I was back into
Zweli’s clutches. It was like I was looking into the eyes of a dead man, he still had
the gun in his hands but it was useless without the power of its owner, his grip
time was weak, I wasn’t scared nor afraid I stood without fear as he got closer to
my ear.
Zweli: you whore!... Nhlalo I loved you.

“Bottom step”, I was pushed away and there was a gunshot. Thabo! No! I couldn’t
look back I could still hear them fighting. I reached for the bottom step when I got
to it the tile slid off and there it was. A gun. In the moment before looking turned
and pulled the trigger.
The gunshot echoed in my ears before I could open my eyes. Before I could look
up there was blood all around me, slowly I struggled to stand up, feeling
lightheaded, dropping the gun when I saw Zweli on the floor bleeding with a knife
in his back and a bullet threw his neck. I noticed I had become bluish, followed by
a heavy pain in my womb, I felt something running down my legs when I looked
down there was blood coming from me. In pain I got on my knees tried squeezing
myself into a little ball like whenever I had cramps. It felt like the worst physical
pain I’d ever endured, what was happening to me? I didn’t know, my biggest
worry was my baby, Thabo was coming towards me then everything became dark
and murky. It felt like a high, I didn’t know what was happening but for a second
created a sense of euphoria before everything started crashing down when I felt
like I was running out of air, my chest started to pain, I could hear light murmurs
kind of screaming, before it turned all black. It was like a peaceful sleep, familiar
to me, it had happened before but I struggled to remember when.
I had dreams, even though they were black, sometimes I could hear unfamiliar
voices and once in a while I’d hear Thabo speaking.
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“when I was shot for the first time… I didn’t feel anything until I was on the floor
and then I passed out. I thought I was dead. I could see the light at the end of the
tunnel I was getting closer to it… but I was pulled back to life. Maybe I didn’t die
because I wasn’t meant to die yet maybe I didn’t die because I hadn’t met you
yet… Nhlalo if you see that light please. Run away from Don’t go to it… for our
child and for what we may have going into the future…. Nhlalo, is isn’t funny
anymore it’s been five weeks already. If you don’t wake up then I’ll be forced to
stop these machines myself and you owe me, so you can’t die. (silence) you can’t
die. If you die then who’ll complain about my snoring? I don’t want to smoke with
anybody else, I don’t want to plan the rest of my life with anybody else.”
Was I dying? I suddenly felt like a was falling in the darkness, maybe I’d been shot,
I didn’t see where I was shooting maybe I’d shot myself. The gunshot replayed in
my mind, I opened my eyes stretching out my hands only to realise I was in a
hospital bed when I opened my eyes, there were machines all around me, nurses
came rushing in, examining me. I was alive, I stopped falling in a black out of
emptiness, I wondered if that was what death felt like, if I died then I’d be falling
for the rest of eternity?
They left, leaving a shadow in the corner of the room, a shadow that slowly crept
out of the dark revealing itself to be Zweli’s mother, wearing a nurse outfit. I still
felt numb and I couldn’t remember much at the time, I was still trying to
remember what happened.
Zweli's mother: this won’t hurt even a little.
I tried pushing her away, I couldn’t, I felt extremely weak and she got the chance
to tie me down to the bed, I wanted to scream but I was gagged. I panicked, I
wasn’t sure what she wanted to do to me, I kept looking over to the door hoping
for someone to come in and stop her from whatever her unstable mind was
thinking about. That feeling of being scared came back when she pressed the
needle on my neck. I was taking deep breaths while feeling the needle going into
my skin.
Zweli’s mother: you think you can kill my only son! Ungadlaleli koZikalala.
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There was nobody there to jump in and save me, I realised that I had turned into
any other girl in the world, I expected somebody else to help me. I always told
myself I wouldn’t be Rapunzel, waiting to be saved, I managed to break free from
the ropes tying me to the bed.
I had to find strength to push her away. I tried running out but my legs felt weak
and I fell to my knees. She tussled me to the floor, pressing my arms on the
ground, trying to inject me with a needle, it was difficult to try protect myself
from something so small. The syringe was nearing my neck I made a desperate
attempt freeing one of my arms and pushing her off me. I took a breathe before
realising the syringe was still in her hands. Before she could stand again I held her
down and snatched the syringe from her. In an attempt to save myself I stabbed
the needle threw her chest, pushed the syringe, her eyes got wider, her skin
turned pale, her body started to shake, I moved away slowly realising what I’d
done, she had bubbles coming from her mouth, other nurses came running inside,
a little too late because she’d stopped moving. I nervously looked at her thinking
that could’ve been me. She did what any other mother would’ve done, if anyone
killed my baby I was sure I’d want nothing less than to show them hell.
Her body was wrapped in foil and taken away, I was placed back onto the bed.
Thabo came in asking me what was going on, I explained it to him, I was surprised
he understood. He touched my belly.
Thabo: you’ve been in a coma for 5 weeks now, doctors say you nearly died from
an overdose.
I was alive and what I was more worried about was the fragile being in me.
Me: so that makes it ten weeks now?
I attempted to put my hand on his before he pulled away his eyes somehow…
broken.
Thabo: there is no child anymore. You killed it. Just. Wow. Nhlalo for once you can
get to listen to me, why? If you didn’t want to a child then you should have said so
before I started planning her life, you could have gone and got an abortion but
since you’re a drug addict you thought drinking a bottle full of cocaine and water
would get rid of him... I wish you died from that overdose.
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Me: I want to have a child, I wanted to have this child and I wanted to be his
mother when I drank that water I honestly thought it was water and I’m a drug
addict not by choice… do you think I’m proud of it? Zweli thought this was his
child I’m not proud of what I did to get to get those drugs. What monster do you
take me for why would I kill an innocent life?
We both stared at each other after raising our voices, I was squinting my eyes
trying to hold back that tears that wanted to fall but with a heartfelt sigh I just
burst, I couldn’t believe I didn’t even give that child a chance, it was all my fault
and I admitted to killing my baby, for once I felt like I was supposed to be arrested
for murder. I opened my arms for a hug no matter how awkward they are they
felt good. My mind was already thinking of sinking the strong feeling of loss in the
exact same poison that ended my baby’s life, to be more specific 3 rows of
cocaine and a shot of heroine.
Thabo: I’m sorry. (He started laughing) I was just kidding, he’s fine but don’t ever
do that ever again, who knows what might happen to you next time.
I stepped on foot and walked away, he made me feel like I killed my baby, I wasn’t
just sad, and guilty, I felt like all the awful emotions were stuffed into me, it
wasn’t at all funny, he almost made me cry in front of everyone! I stormed my
way to the car but I realised that I didn’t have a key, a few minutes got me
thinking what if? What if he really did die and Thabo was joking about joking, I
tried feeling if he was still there. The feeling I had when I first found out I was
carrying him there, I wanted to be sure that he was still here. Since I was already
at hospital I decided I had to see Doctor Patel. A few minutes later I was laying on
Doctor Patel's bed while she did an ultrasound, she pointed to the screen showing
me the little human inside me and there was a little heartbeat too, I got that
warm feeling again, I wanted to ask my mother if she felt the same way when she
found out she was carrying a baby too.
Me: is he fine?
Doctor: you nearly lost him when you nearly had an overdose but he’s strong…
stronger than most babies I guess he doesn’t want to go anywhere, but you need
to eat healthy and keep away from drugs, might I suggest short rehabilitation
program, it’s only two months and they’ll be able to accommodate you there.
I wished I could hug my baby for staying, I wished I could thank him for not going
anywhere… I mean not dying.
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On my way out I was stopped by Detective Xhogo, I couldn’t wait to hear her
suspicions this time.
Detective: Mrs Langa I’ll need your statm—
Me: sawubona.
Detective: Mrs Langa I’m not here for a cup of coffee, some of us have jobs to do,
as I was saying I’ll need your statement for what happened here. Just tell me what
happened?
Me: so no trauma counselling? No “I’m sorry for being attacked by a crazy

woman?”
Detective: I asked you one simple question and it’s not my job to cry with you,
now I asked you a simple question.
Me: detective slow down, I know you haven’t had time to wine down in a while,
you seem like a hard working woman too but give yourself time to release your
sexual frustration on your husband and if you’re not in a relationship then go buy
yourself a dildo and stop trying to release you frustration on me.
She stood up from the chair about to attack me before she stopped and sat down
again.
Detective: Lalela la, ungimoshela isikhathi ngalamanyala owenza la, nx.
Me: now I’m telling all I know. Mrs Zikalala was a crazy woman. She didn’t want
her son to be with me. I left her son alone but I don’t know why she tried killing
me. All the nurses were out of the room when she tried injecting me with
whatever that was.
Detective: what led to her death?
Me: she attacked me and… she ended up injecting herself with the poison in the
syringe.
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Detective: so you didn’t inject her with whatever it was? So we shouldn’t find
your fingerprints on the syringe?
Me: you’ll find my fingerprints because I held the syringe when I was trying to
protect myself.
I settled myself waiting to hear Xhogo's crazy suspicions but she stood up and
walked out. I went to the car after that.
On the way back to Thabo’s house I couldn’t stop looking at the picture of the
ultrasound, I wanted to do better for him. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be picking
a gender and I wasn’t I just had a feeling it was going to be a boy.
Days went without me and Thabo speaking but he made sure I had a full plate of
boiled veggies on my plate, I didn’t mind eating these until then, I wouldn’t have
minded eating his poison food. I want to eat anything but thst tasteless food. That
night wasn’t any different, there was a large mountain of something green, shit
called peas and lean meat. He sat across the table eating mouth-watering grilled
steak. Aside from the food something else was bothering me, I didn’t want this
little human in me to grow up with parents who fight and couldn’t resolve their
problems like grown people.
Me: Thabo… I’m s-o-o-r-y… I really mean too… this is me apologizing, I apologize.
Thabo: so it was a mistake?
Me: I drank the water not knowing it had drugs, if I knew then I would’ve never
drank them.
Thabo: bekuyiphutha and I shouldn’t blame it on you.
Me: now can you pass some meat… please.
Thabo: angifuni.
Me: oh come on yini umona, the least you can do is give me some meat, my
whole body is tryna carry your baby.
Thabo: is that blackmail?
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A flashback of a made feel thirsty, I quickly reached for the water but it didn’t
help the urge of getting high, I didn’t want to tell Thabo because I was didn’t want
to go there detox again.
Me: I don’t know, I’ve been thinking… maybe I should go to rehab, there’s this
two month program Doctor Patel told me about.
Thabo: but I need you here with me.
Me: no, you want me here with you, stop being dramatic! It’s just two months, it’s
not like you’re going to die and I thought you’d be happy that I’m taking
responsibility.
Thabo: the only problem is that I need you here… with me.
Me: (sigh) I think I need to do this for me, for us.
After dinner we sat on the couch, well I sat on the couch while Thabo laid on my
lap trying to listen for a heartbeat.
Me: If you could choose any gender which one would it be?
Thabo: a girl, I’d like to see what you’d look like as a baby and in pink.
Me: I agree, I’d like also like to see what you’d look like as a baby girl.
Thabo: if she looks like me then she’ll wear blue.
Me: my mother forced me to take ballet when I was 8 I wore a Tutu and those
painful weird shoes for 4 months just because she thought I wasn’t girly enough
for her, when my father used to take my brother to the gun factory I’d go with
them because I didn’t enjoy being around other girls, they gossiped and were
obsessed with boys.
Thabo: well I used to knit blankets for my grandmother so she could sell them and
I know how to cook, clean and a little baking, so we both had our fair share of
doing tasks that we’re deemed for the other gender.
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Me: be a boy or a girl, we’ll raise her or him without keeping them imprisoned by
gender stereotypes.
Thabo: I’d like my daughter to play soccer with me.
Me: and I wouldn’t mind if he wears a skirt or pants.
Thabo: and you also wouldn’t mind if he’s name is Zinhle or Thandeka?
Me: no that’s weird! What if we named her or him after your grandmother?
Thabo: so you want our child’s name to be Florence or Ntombeningi.
Me: baby Flo, they aren’t so bad, what about your mother’s name then.
He went silent for a few seconds before saying he didn’t know it, weird how he
didn’t know his own mother’s name, I knew my mother’s names like they were
my own Liyakhanya Deborah Zikhali-Mabizela.
We went silent, I assumed he fell asleep, that’s when he silently said, “Nhlalo… I
love you”
I brushed his head, telling him that he was dreaming, I realise that whenever I
heard those three words, they made me feel unsettled.
Next morning I took a few minutes to stare at how little the change was, when I
found out I was going to have a baby I thought I’d wake up one day with a big
bump, but nearly 3 months in and I was the same as before, except for the
morning sickness I didn’t throw up as much as before but most mornings I woke
up feeling dizzy and I hated the pills that I had to take, they tasted like the worst
thing since Marmite.
Thabo had already left for work, there was boiled eggs, pickles and broccoli, I
assumed, it was breakfast waiting for me on the kitchen counter. I don’t know
how Thabo expected me to eat it, it tasted like vomit that had been revomited
and put on a plate. I was full from the first spoon. The door opened and I
wondered if Thabo left his phone, sadly it was prettyboy, I still didn’t care what
his name was.
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Me: yey! You don’t just come in here without knocking!
Prettyboy: we'coconut ngizongena ngoba nginesikhiye.

He opened the fridge and drank the milk from the container.
Me: so you came here to do what exactly?
Prettyboy: before you start stripping down, sengiyahamba.

He went upstairs with the weird briefcase, came back down and opened the
fridge again.
Me: prettyboy you can leave now and you can take the milk with you.
Prettyboy: sendiyahamba… sengizwile ukuthi ngizoba nomshana.
Me: yey! I said leave! Futhi ungaphinde ubiz'ingane yam ngomshana wakho.
He took the whole bottle of milk and left, my morning was ruined.
I was looking around the cellar to see if I could find anything non-alcoholic to
drink when I pulled out a bottle of wine, I wasn’t familiar with the brand, the
more I looked at it, I realised it was a bottle of a cheap alcohol company my father
used to tell me about, he said it was what the locals had in his days, all the lower
and middle class people. It was dusty, itdidn’t gave a cap, I shouldn’t be nosey but
I really wanted to know why there was an empty bottle there, I shook it a few
times expecting diamonds or gold to come out of it but what came out of he
bottle was much more interesting.
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Chapter 13
A picture fell out, a dusty picture. After all the dust was wiped off it, gently
making sure I didn’t tear it or make it wet I took a long look at it. It was a picture
of a family, there were 4 children, 2 adults and what looked like an older couple. I
realised the old woman was Thabo’s grandmother, the man next to her must have
been Julius, the younger couple must be Thabo’s parents, she was gorgeous, she
had kinky hair styled into a bun, he looked so much like his father. Thabo was so
selfish about his family history, what was there to hide because his family seemed
happy. The children in the picture confused me, I could see Thabo he was a
chubby kid with snot coming from his nose and sand all over his face and he had
cute crooked teeth between his smiling lips, maybe he was embarrassed about
him being a too playful and getting dirty while doing it. There was an older boy
maybe he was Thabo’s older brother Themba and a girl who seemed almost the
same age as the boy. Thabo never mentioned anything about her or the baby his
mother had on her laps. The whole day went by with me thinking of reasons why
he wouldn’t say anything about his family. I shouldn’t have been sneaking around
looking at things that weren’t meant to for me. Why didn’t Thabo want to tell me
about his family?
It was time for the afternoon smoke and since I was pregnant I stopped and
Thabo also stopped, now we drank tea which on the long run was much healthier.
He had his hand on my belly, just gentlemen running his hands on it.
Me: Thabo… what happened to your family?

I kept his hands on my belly hoping he wouldn’t get angry.
Thabo: what do you mean what happened to my family?
Me: I don’t know… but, I happened to bump into an old picture and I was just
wondering where are all of them?
Thabo: in this world people live to one day die and they’re all dead.
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Me: how? You don’t even mention them. My parents are dead and I talk about
them all the time, you’ve never mentioned yours.
Thabo: are you still thinking of the rehab? I think you should do it, I think you
should go.
He was hiding something and I was sure to find out what it was if I searched for it
more.
Me: oh… I was going to sign up but last time we spoke about it you didn’t seem
very happy about me doing it, but I did anyways I'll leave in a 2 weeks.
Thabo: great.
Me: great… are you planning on bringing over your mistress when I’m gone?
Thabo: not just one but seven, for everyday of the week.
I burst into laughter after he tried to make the sounds of his mistresses from
silent Monday, teaser Tuesday, just Wednesday, thong Thursday, foxy Friday, sexy
Saturday and psycho Sunday.
After dinner we sat on the bench outside… well I was sitting and Thabo was on
my laps I wasn’t in the mood to speak since being under the stars always remind
me of that one star that’d shine brighter than others reminding me of the
innocent life I took. He fell asleep on my lap again, without saying those words. I
couldn’t sleep, how could I sleep when my mind kept on wandering. I don’t like
snooping around but I had to put my mind to ease. I started searching his phone, I
never mentioned how we didn’t lock our phones, it just happened, I guessed we
had nothing to hide.
A message came in, “they’re ready”

I had to answer because if didn’t it would be rude, “ all of them? Remind me again
what’s ready.?”
“ The trucks at the docks”
“trucks what?”
“you fine?”
“ I just woke up”
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Searching his phone didn’t help, all I found were a bunch of contracts that I didn’t
bother to read. The last thing I did was to search for Thabo’s grandmothers name,
almost all the results I got were creepy a link to weird porn site. I had given up on
finding anything. I searched for Julius Langa, the result had me shocked. Slowly I
read making sure not to miss a word. A news article from 20 years ago, read,
Murderer in the house as the headline. The picture of Thabo and his family
appeared under the headline.
A family has been found dead in a homestead in Bisho Eastern Cape. The
community called police after hearing an estimate of 10 gunshots come from the
Langa homestead. When police got to the crime scene to find 5 dead bodies which
have been identified as Julius Langa, Sbongiseni Langa, Ahlengiwe Langa, Thembi
Langa. At the scene was a young infant and a five year old child severely who were
injured. The child died at the scene minutes after the paramedics arrived and the
five year old child was still hugging his dead mother’s body. From the 5 year old
child’s story, the suspect is 64 year old man who was the grandfather of the
deceased children, Julius Langa who has been accused by the community
members of sexually abusing his daughter in-law Ahlengiwe Langa and her 7 year
old daughter, Thembi Langa and is accused of being the father of the 5 year child
and the infant, who’s names are not disclosed for safety reasons. The 7 year old
boy child twin to the 7 year old child found dead on the scene and his
grandmother were reported to have ran off to the bushes and were found by
paramedics with wounds.
“usujabule ke”
I jumped letting the phone slip out of my hands, when I had realised that Thabo
was right behind me I wiped off the tears. In my mind began to thinking of his 5
year old self watching his whole family die in front of him. I slowly turned around,
walking up to him, I noticed he had his fists locked, all I could focus on was his
deep breathes and my heartbeat. I didn’t know what to say, I suddenly found it
selfish how much I spoke of my parents, the heavy feeling of guilt had me sick,
how could I have been so insensitive. I stood close to him, not sure if I should
touch him or not, I wanted to hold his hand but the fists he made, made it seem
almost impossible to do so.
With a voice shaken by the silence, “I’m sorry.”
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Thabo: there. You have your answers, now what? Can you bring them back! Or
are you going to stand there and say you’re sorry when you don’t really mean it?!
I put my hands on his chest to calm him but all I could feel was his heart beating
faster, probably from thinking back to it.
Me: Thabo, I am sorry, that shouldn’t’ve happened to you.
Thabo: well it did! And sorry won’t bring them back… say it!
Me: s… say what?

I wiped the snot from my nose and tried not to blink.
Thabo: pity me. Ask me if I need help. Give me money. Make me work for you.
Then… (Deep breathe) Send me to a orphanage
Me: I’m sorry.
Thabo: sorry won’t bring back my sister who cried for mercy! It can’t! angeke
kubabuyise.
He sat on the chair with his head down and his hands covering his face.
A Gnossienne feeling arose when I realised I didn’t know Thabo as much as I

thought I did.
Thabo: all the sorry's I’ve received still can’t bring my siblings back!
He looked up, I saw him struggling to not cry, the difficulty of it reminded me of
when I couldn’t cry.
Me: it’s okay to cry.
Thabo: it’s not okay… indoda ayikhali.

I finally understood his silence when he didn’t cry, the confusion, anyone who
went threw the same experience would be as desensitised from pain. He and like
most men get confused by all of societies norms, whoever said men don’t cry
must have been a alien or they would realise that they were killing them, they
didn’t realise men were also people and no person lives without crying because
eventually the dam of tears you’ve built up either drowns you or falls drowning
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everyone around you. I was watching Thabo’s dam fill with more tears, I hugged
him trying to give off a warm embrace.
Thabo: I still see him, Langalibalele… he was just a baby and he depended on me
to keep him warm, keep him safe, protect him as a big brother… kodwa
ang'kwazanga, I failed him that’s what he’s dead. I wasn’t a good brother and I’m
damn afraid of being a father… so maybe you should leave… I think you two are
better off without me. Don’t you see I’m broken.
He look in his eyes when he said I should leave showed that he really meant it. He
was truly afraid of being a father. I also thought I could’ve saved my sister and it
killed me to know that but at least I was old enough to understand that it isn’t my
fault, but he was only 5 years old. I took his left hand and held my left hand next
to it.
Me: it wasn’t your fault. You tried and maybe this is your second chance… this
time you will protect him. Chishe lena indlela kaLangalibalele yokuk'tshengisa
ukuthi uyakuxolela. Plus, I made vows to be with you threw thin and thick and I’m
not looking to break them.
Something in what I said made him smile, he kissed me afterwards. We found
ourselves naked on the table, our fingers interlocked giving each other passionate
intercourse, the passion drew from grief, sadness and sorrow. After that, we sat
on opposite ends of the table, where her had a bottle of beer waiting for him to
drink while I was drinking water. I stayed silent not wanting to say anything
wrong, when he noticed me he slightly grinned.
Thabo: I do remember that night if that’s what you’re thinking, but I feel like I can
still hear Thembi. I feel like I can hear her silence. She was silent… but I feel like
only if I listened then I would’ve heard the cries between her silence. My
mother… she always had bruises and scars, if only I could’ve opened my eyes then
I could’ve stopped that disgusting old man. What kills me more is that he might
be my father.
His hand made a fist again, while he drank the bottle, throwing it to the wall,
which had me jumping off my chair. He wasn’t screaming, he was trying to hide
his anger from me but the bottle just because a release.
Thabo: I’m sorry about that, I want you know who you’re married to… ngiyafuna
ukuk’tshela ukuthi kwenzakalani (after a deep breath) I never told anyone the
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actually truth but… so that night… umama was going to leave, I saw her running
to the gate I scream for her, I didn’t want her to leave me… not again. Then there
were lights… lights always meant that baba was back from work but.
Me: then what?

He paused for a few seconds just staring at me.
Thabo: My mother felt disgusted my me, she didn’t hide it, after all I am the result
of her abuse, I hated her…I was told that I was once left in a dustbin as a child, I
assumed she didn’t want me. That bastard came out with a gun shooting Thembi.
Sometimes I think maybe if I didn’t run to mama and I tried getting the gun out of
that bastards hands then maybe…(sigh) my mother… gave me Langalibalele and
told me to run, she was shot protecting us, I ran and ran. I… there were more
gunshots and when I went back, I saw my father in tears crying, begging them not
to shoot us, before he… he pulled the trigger. Langalibalele cried the whole night,
he was cold… we slept next to mama, by morning when ugogo came back home
Langa had starved and had died from the cold weather, and only if I didn’t call out
for umama maybe she’d be here today… maybe they’d all be here today.
When he finished speaking he looked at me with a blank face I felt so spoilt I had
the luxury of both my parents and I couldn’t appreciate them. I didn’t know what
to say, sorry didn’t feel like enough. The irony of how my family used to live off
guns and Thabo’s family died from them. The emotions I felt were too much for
me, I didn’t know what to do with them. I stopped tearing and started crying, it
felt like an overdose of emotions, becoming a cry baby, I cried all the way to bed,
at some point I didn’t know why I was crying.
The next morning I didn’t feel any better, I started vomiting again along with a
heavy headache, I stayed in bed the whole morning folding into a ball when there
were cramps. I tried calling Thabo but he didn’t answer. I decided to stop being
lazy and actually go see Doctor Patel so she could get rid of the cramps and the
headaches. I couldn’t imagine six more months of this. I wanted the baby in my
hands and I wished I could skip the headaches, cramps and morning sickness.
When I got to Doctor Patel's office I was tired, I wanted to sleep, I’m sure I had
the worst pregnancy of all time. The doctor took her time with her patients, I had
to wait for and hour before I could get to see her. While I was waiting around the
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room there were woman who had the big bellies they looked like they were about
to blow up, I was afraid I might also have a huge belly, no! I was sure of it. I’m
convinced bad things always happen to me so having a huge belly would be one
of them. I felt uncomfortable in the waiting room whenever one of the woman
with big bellies stood up I had an unsettling feeling that made me feel like they
were going to fall and pop like balloons.
I finally got in, she was waiting for me drinking water in a glass.
Doctor Patel: Mrs Langa, any problems?
Me: I don’t know… maybe… I just want to know if he’s fine.
Doctor Patel: you’ve already chosen a gender?
Me: no! I just say he becau—
Doctor Patel: I hope you’ve been clean?
Me: of course I’ve been, it’s rude to ask a person a question like that, you
wouldn’t like it if I asked you if you’ve been faithful in your marriage.
Doctor Patel: Excuse me! I was trying not to be rude, because you’re a drug
addict. For goodness sake woman like you walk into this office everyday! They’re
children don’t even pass the first trimester of pregnancy, it’s my job to try and
save them… you wouldn’t want the same thing to happen like last time.
Being told your child will die had my heart aching, thinking of the dreams I had
that might not come true and it would be my fault. My hands started shaking, as I
desperate mother I held onto Doctor Patel's coat pulling her closer to me.
Me: fix it!
Doctor Patel: there is no way to fix it, your children might not survive.
Might meant there was a chance they would survive, my the weight over my
shoulders seemed to decrease. I didn’t want to carry on not knowing what might
happen and being unsettled for the rest of the pregnancy, the unsettling fear led
me to pushing Doctor Patel against the wall. She was a doctor and she was getting
paid to fix these things.
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Me: you’re a doctor! Isn’t this what you do!?
Doctor Patel: let go of me! I can’t just fix it! For goodness sake this is a child we’re
talking about not a machine!
Gradually my hands loosened while I slowly backed away from Doctor Patel,
questioning if I’d be a good mother. I sat on the bed again.
Me: you’ve had children… right? You’ve seen a lot of woman who were waiting to
have children… I mean do I seem like I’d be a good mother?
Doctor Patel: the best parents are always those who try to protect their children
Mrs Langa all mother’s go threw doubt whether they’d be a good parent. You’re
children would be lucky to have you as a mother.
Her words didn’t comfort me, actually words never seem to comfort me, maybe
it’s because of how easy it is to say them. I laid on my back waiting for doctor
Patel to start the ultrasound. The door opened and Thabo came in asking if he
was late when he didn’t even know I was there. He came in holding his jacket in
his hands, sat down and held my hand, his hands were cold.
Me: hhayi man, wear your jacket before you freeze.

I spoke too soon because the gel was even colder. Thabo and I stared at the
screen waiting to see him. I heard a little precious heartbeat, a breathe taking
moment in my life. The screen showed grey with 2 black dots moving around, I
wasn’t the only confused one, not knowing if they were legs, arms or eyes.
Me: eh, what are those?
Doctor Patel: that’s baby number one and baby number 2.

Twins I told myself. We were having twins. This only meant twice the joy, I never
knew I could smile that much and that goes for Thabo too.
Thabo (in amazement): twins?
Me (sarcastically): no triplets.
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We left the room amazed, I couldn’t stop looking at the picture of the ultrasound
and the heartbeats sound like the most beautiful sound ever. I was expecting
Thabo to have said something, when I looked at him he had a serious face. As if
he was thinking about something serious.
Me: what?
Thabo: we’re having 2 children that’s all, what do you mean what?
Me: were you following me? Because if you were then I don’t mind.
Thabo: no I saw your missed calls and the car’s tracker said the car was here.
Me: I think that’s what following a person means.
Thabo: if I say I was following you will you stop hogging the picture of my
children?
Me: fine.
Thabo: yes I was following you and I have camera’s on you everywhere around
the house and there’s always someone following you.
Me: let me guess you also have a someone living in the basement spying on my
every move? I’m not that gullible, do you really think I’d believe that. And I’ll stop
hogging the picture of MY eggs.
Thabo: no I think it’s MY soldiers growing in there.
Me: but your soldiers would still be marching in you if it wasn’t for my eggs taking
them in.
Thabo: my soldiers and your eggs made our babies.

While saying that we stopped in front of the car, his cold hands held me by the
waist pulling me closer to a kiss. Public kisses make me feel uncomfortable but I
didn’t mind this one because I was on another level of euphoria, I didn’t care who
was looking.
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I had to drive back to the house by myself but I felt too tired to drive. Thabo
ended up driving, he said he’d see how he got the other car to the house. I fell
asleep on the way back to his house.
I woke up to the scent of a Padron cigar and Thabo talking on the phone, while
the sun was setting I could see the thick smoke coming from below, I knew he was
secretly smoking, his cigar stash was getting smaller by the day, his cigars had a
special case in the man cave, it was almost like a collection. I sat in bed for a few
minutes thinking of how I got to the bed when I remembered I was having twins.
“Twins” I murmured softly to myself, never had I thought of having a child yet
now that there was a chance of me being one it felt like a dream come true. I
went downstairs, made coffee and scared him from behind. He was talking to the
phone and when I touched him he panicked and in an attempt to hide the cigar he
dropped his phone.
Thabo: this isn’t what it looks like.
Me: you’re making it sound like you’re having an affair. Chill. It’s fine, you can
smoke… away from me though.
He ended the call and set the cigar aside, before he pulled back the chair for me
to sit.
Me: what if we’re bad parents?
Thabo: ok, imagine a scenario where 4 year old mini-me…
Me: mini-you! Why would I want my children to be born with dimples like you,
you look like you have two holes on your cheeks.
Thabo: dimples are better than those eyes, look at them! They look like they’re
about to fall off.
Me: at least they can see….
Thabo: don’t think that I don’t know you wear contacts.
Me: mini-you and mini-me gonna argue as much as us?
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Me: ok, imagine being called to the police station to fetch 15 year old mini-us
after finding out she totalled your Koenigsegg because she drunk driving, what
would you do?
Thabo: I’d bail her out and when she gets a job she’ll pay for it for it to the very
last cent.
Me: but it was a mistake and she didn’t mean to take your favourite car.
Thabo: wetting a bed is a mistake but taking a car keys, drinking and using the car
isn’t.
Me: but peer pressure, never mind, you’re going to be a strict father.
Thabo: imagine seeing 13 year old mini-us holding hands or talking to a person of
another gender.
Me: unless they’re playing ring-a-ring-a-rosie… I’d want to know what they were
saying… and his or her home address, phone number and their parents phone
numbers. Actually mini-us is not going out to any party until she or he 25, married
and has a job and I’ll pick what he or she wears until she or he goes to university
and she won’t learn how to drive until she has her own car.
Thabo left and came back with a glass of water I remembered I had to drink those
pills, when he came back he was still laughing at me like I was said something
funny, when actually I was dead serious mini-us would not make the same
mistakes as me.
Thabo: children need to learn from their own mistakes, we can’t control their
lives the only thing we can do is lead her the right way.
Me: you sound like you’ve done this parent thing before, I actually wish I could
get to get a practice run before things get real deal. It’s scary how in 6 months
we’ll have mini-us's to take care of and how they’ll depend on us for everything
and I’m worried I might mess up.
Thabo: you’ll be fine, you’ll be a great mother… (sigh) were all walking sperm.
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Me: what!?
Thabo: were all once sperm.
Me: and that’s the significance of life.

A phone started ringing I knew it wasn’t mine because I never got a call unless it’s
from annoying telemarketers trying to sell me something I didn’t need.
Thabo answered it.

Thabo: Yv, how’s Denmark treating you? When you decide to come back you’ll
have two surprises waiting for you.
He carried on: Nhlalo, she’s here and she’s fine. Excuse me.
He left the room before I could eavesdrop on the conversation, I assumed it was
Yvonne calling. After a while he came back and laid his head on my lap.
Me: so when will you introduce me to Yvonne?
Thabo: Yvonne, she’s a first impression type of person I want her to meet you in
person so she gets the best first impression. So what did your father do to you?
I had no right to be angry because Thabo hadn’t met any member of my family
yet. I could just imagine seeing Muzi's face and Mkhulu's face when I told them
I’m married and my cousin’s would go crazy.
Me: what do you mean?
Thabo: I mean when you crashed his car.
Me: i. Pfh… I did say it was me.
Thabo: I know it was you.
Me: oh. Fine then. He left me in that jail cell for a day before he bailed me out
then when we got home he promised me a beating if I drove another of his cars
until I was 21. I didn’t even like his other cars.
Thabo: what were they?
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Me: there were a lot but the ones I remember were the Rolls-Royce’es and the
Bentley.
Thabo: but you liked the Koeningsegg that’s why you stole it and then crashed it?
Me: I like Koeningsegg in general, I plan on buying my own one day.
Thabo: three years from now mini-us' ask you to tell them a fairytale.
Me: I don’t know any.
Thabo: just make it up.
Me: oh, once soon a time there was a… child who… listened to her parents. She
was very… respectful. She was happy when she listened to her parents. Until one
day she met fat… cat who told her to not listen to her parents… the child ran away
from home and was eaten by wolves.
Thabo burst into laughter, I thought I told the story well, there was a clear lesson
in the story.
Thabo: and now mini-us' are crying because the poor girl died.
Me: that’s the lesson when you don’t listen to your parents or a pack of wolves
eat you.
Thabo: but that’s not… never mind I’ll tell the stories.
I fell asleep listening to a fairy-tale about a little red hopping wood, or something
like that.
Next day I woke up later than usual and there was a horrid smell and I knew
Thabo made fried pickles and half cooked eggs. After I took a shower I looked into
the mirror and I saw a little baby bump forming, after 12 weeks it was starting to
show, wished I could call Muzi and shove it in his face how I’ll be having children.
Whenever he I used to play with his toys he scared me away by saying girls who
play with boys’ toys will turn into boys and I believed it until I was 12. I felt
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happier than other days and more energetic too so I did the laundry, followed by
sweeping the floor.
There it was, the briefcase Thabo occasionally carried around, after minutes of
fighting away the guilt I opened the it not knowing what to expect but I didn’t
expect it to be full of money. I zipped it up again and carried on sweeping, I was
being nosey.
After dinner I washed our two plates and the pots like other nights, Thabo was
outside talking to the phone and probably smoking while doing it. He came in
Thabo: how was it… how was growing up having everything you could ever ask
for.
Me: I’d like to say it was a good experience but I never thought of appreciating it
enough. I mean look at me I might be emotionally detached from everything.
Thabo: I’m sorry, I’m just angry because one of my clients doesn’t want to pay,
he’s been using my services for years but now he says he’s going to another
therapist and he hasn’t even paid.
Me: call him again and give me the phone.
Me: Good afternoon, this is Mr Langa’s PA, he’s asked nicely for you to pay and if
you don’t pay we’ll be forced to come to your house and take all your furniture
and even the house if we must and don’t try to act smart and say you won’t be
using our services anymore. You seem to forget my husband has all your secrets
and he won’t hesitate to reveal the—
The phone was pulled away from my hands and Thabo ended the call.
Thabo: you’re harassing my clients.
Me: no. I was letting him know he didn’t control the situation and he probably
won’t pay until you involve lawyers.
He laughed before going to our bedroom.
Me: you left your pregnant wife alone in the kitchen with no company!
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Thabo: at least you have two people to talk to, Mina I’m alone up here.
Me: I thought you had your soldiers with you.

When I was done with the dishes, we laid in bed talking about life. I fell asleep
while, Thabo was talking to his mini-me's, the late night talks had become my
favourite time of the day, since I couldn’t watch the sunset while smoking or
having tea because it wanted to make it my new nap time.
A few days passed and soon I had one day left until I leaving. It was midday and I
was laying on the hammock that was especially made for me in the backyard. I
was daydreaming of the moment when I finally give birth and I could finally drink
whiskey with ice cubes while eating a greasy pizza with extra cheese and to finally
not have to drink those disgusting pills again when Thabo disturbed me and I
nearly fell off.
Me: back so soon?
Thabo: I just went to buy you clothes.
Me: what’s wrong with these ones?
Thabo: they’re mine and I don’t want your baby bump stretching my t-shirts.
He had hundreds of t-shirts in his wardrobe that he never bothered to wear.
Instead he wore his Polo neck and it wasn’t like I was stretching the T-shirts yet.
The bags reminded me it was time to pack, so I took them and started packing.
Thabo came in naked with a towel in his hands. He was walking around bare and
it was swinging around like a third leg.
Me: the towel is already in your hands. Cover up.
He passed me, went to the shower, I heard water pouring it stopped after a few
seconds and he came out wet. He was walking straight towards me, I had a bra in
my hands, it was taken from me thrown aside before he pulled me by the waist
and started kissing me. I was surprised where that came from. His hands were up
my t-shirt feeling my skin from my waist to my butt.
Me: we’re doing this?
Thabo: we’re doing this.
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I took off my T-shirt before kissing him while he gently pushing me onto the bed,
kissing me from my neck all the way down to my legs.
Thabo: you still fine?
Me: yeah.
With that said he slowly opened my legs, kissing, tickling and nibbling me from
between my legs, I had my toes curled, he was on top of me ready to penetrate.
Thabo: you can’t get pregnant again right?
Me: you can’t have two pots on one stove top.

He slowly penetrated asking me for I was still fine, we were trying to be careful
but I still enjoy it, I find awkward situations funny.
We took a shower together, he kept on exaggerating how much bigger my belly

was. He joked around while he washed my back. After the shower I was still
smiling while laying in bed naked because I was too lazy to get dressed. I
remembered the stiff doctor Langa I first met I was taking a moment to reflect, he
was more open towards me or maybe it was in my head but the true change was
me being happier. A message notification came form Thabo's phone, I was being
nosey I opened it, “Gregory hotel 18:30 conference room” Thabo came in, I
jumped and dropped it.
Thabo: my phone?
Me: I don’t know where it is.

His cologne was making me nauseous I did myself a favour and went outside
before I started throwing up.
I still wanted to know why he was going to that hotel with money. What better
way to find out than Gert.
Me: hi, I need you to help me with something, quickly.
Gert: Nhlalo, if you can still afford my services.

I wasn’t sure what that meant but I was in a rush against time.
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Me: I’ll pay you but I just need you to find out something for me. What’s the
connection between Zanothabo Langa and Gregory hotel?
Gert: I’ll start looking.

I ended the call and I could hear talking. My hearing had improved and I could
hear Thabo from the living room, speaking to the phone most likely.
Thabo: sure I’m on my way and I’ll have the money with me and you better have
what I want
What he wants? Why would he have money with him. Maybe for a night out with
a girl and they’d spent the rest of it at a hotel. I couldn’t believe it. He was
cheating on me, why else would he have to go to a hotel with money.
Thabo (from downstairs): I’ll be back in a few hours.

When I came down he had the briefcase with him and his blazer hung over the
other arm, he tried kissing me but I turned away.
Me: where are you going?
Thabo: oh come on, I always leave like this why is today different?
Me: I just want to know what’s more important than your pregnant wife?
Thabo: nothing is more important to me than you and mini-us’s but Loyiso he has
a flat tire and he needs help with it, I’ll be back soon.
He kissed my cheek and ran out before I could ask him any more questions like
why he was looking extra formal today and he smelt extra fresh, he lied to me. I
was sure he was cheating, last time I thought he was cheating it turned out to be
a misunderstanding but this time I knew he was. I believed it enough to force my
sore feet to drive.
Gert called just in time.

Gert: code?
Me: 8631 come on Gert was there a need for that?
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Gert: Mr Z Langa visits the hotel very frequently, once a week to two time a week
camera footage shows him walking in with a briefcase and walking out without it
and sometimes he’s seen with a few men.
Me: that’s all? And I’m paying you R10 000 for that! Udlala ngami.
I ended the call, on my way there I had it all planed out, I was going to throw a
tantrum maybe a few slaps and I was going to swear at him. After that I was going
to throw divorce papers in his face the next morning. When I got to the reception
area I tried acting calm, I didn’t want to send off any suspicious vibe.
Receptionist: Good afternoon welcome to Gregory hotel, what can I help you
with?
Me: do you have a room under Z Langa?
Receptionist: I’m not allowed to disclose that information.

I reached for my pocket pulling out money and slowly sliding it to her, nobody
refuses money, she count it before looking back into her computer.
Receptionist: we do have a luxury condo under Z Langa on the 3rd floor do you
have a key?
A fit of rage led me to smashing my hand on the table and furiously walking
towards the elevator.
Me: no. I have a ring.
When I got the third floor, fury had me tearing down doors, I told myself when I
find him and he’s actually doing anything to compromise our marriage I was
leaving. Three doors down, I broke threw the fourth door, the hotel room was
empty but he was there I could smell him. I woman wearing a hotel robe came
from the bathroom. She looked angry while pushing me outside the room.
Her: hayibo! What sort of room service is this!? You don’t just barge into people’s
rooms, I paid for this room!
Thabo intervened pushing me away and trying to hold my hands softly talking to
me, telling me, “she’s not worth it”. I should’ve known he was too good to be
true. I don’t know where he came from but he was still fully dressed.
Me: you lying piece of shit! So this is business! Huh?
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Thabo: it’s not what you thi—

I couldn’t take his excuse again, I broke from his hold and slapped him.
Me: it’s not what it seems? Nx! She’s in lingerie for goodness sake! I’m not blind
and I’m not stupid. You must take me for a fool, if you think you can make me
carry your babies while you carry on with your mistress. Then you’re wrong.
Thabo: what do you mean Nhlalo.
Her: so am I getting paid or what?
I turned, staring at her until she sat back down, when I turned around I slapped
Thabo again.
Me: I can’t believe I’m married to a lowlife disgusting pervert who takes
advantage of vulnerable woman… wow.
Thabo kept quiet after that, I looked over my shoulder and the woman was still
waiting for money, I snatched Thabo’s wallet from his pocket and gave her all the
money in it.
Me: and stop selling yourself for petty cash, use that money wisely and don’t you
ever think of selling your pride to a disgusting person like him. That is not what a
Queen does.
I dropped his wallet and started walking away, tears fell from my eyes as I walked
away knowing I’m not turning back after what he did, cheating is one thing but
buying a human’s body was another my heart felt like it was sinking in the
screams I wanted to release. Before I got to the door the other guests were
shouting at me for kicking down their doors, I bumped into a man on my way out,
I looked at him angrily, he stopped me and started pushing me back into the
room, closing the door before I could get out.
Me: why are you closing the do—
Before I could explain anything, I was holding my cheek with my head facing
down.
Him: you should have waited for me! I would’ve opened the door for you. Didn’t
they give you a key!
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I stood with my head down still holding my cheek... He slapped me. As I tried to
retaliate he viscously pinned me against the wall trying to take off Thabo's
oversized t-shirt. Flashbacks started flooding my mind, I closed my eyes hoping
they’d disappear, they kept coming back. Clearer. When I opened my eyes the
walls were black with a bed covered in black silk sheets with a half burnt cigar
next to the bed and Arnold Siseko was standing in front of me stripping my
clothes off. I lost my breathe, felt my heart beating faster trying to keep up with
my breathing, I felt hotter, started sweating, my eyes filled with tears as Siseko
forced me closer to him. I closed my eyes curling into a ball against the wall, still
trying to catch my breathe.
Someone tried holding my hand, I quickly pushed them away thinking it was
Siseko, I realised my hand was shaking.
I could hear vivid voice calling my name before I closed my eyes, the vivid voice
became clearer, “Nhlalo? Just breathe” I heard, I took a deep breathe before
opening my eyes. When I did, it was all gone, Thabo was in front of me telling me
to drink the water and the room had gone back to how it was, except for that
pervert man was rolling on the ground with a nose bleeding.
Thabo: uright?
I stayed quiet for a few seconds before I realised I had to go. I had to run away
from it all. I stood up and hurried to the door, pulling it until it opened when I got
out the crowd was still there and as I looked to my side, there he was again
smoking a cigar, laughing. The panic came back, I needed to get far away, I
pushed my way threw the crowd, thought of taking the elevator but it seemed
too slow. I took the stairs carefully running down not wanting to fall or injure
myself or mini-us’s. I got in the car driving as fast as I could possibly drive. Siseko's
grin kept replaying in my mind, I felt sick. I stopped the car in the middle of the
road to vomit out the fear. I started the car again my phone had been ringing the
whole time me, 34 missed calls from Thabo. When I got the his house I started
packing, with the flashbacks adding pressure on me to run. What made me think
he wouldn’t find me here? and when he did find me he was probably going to kill
me. I burnt his building and probably cost him millions in money.
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Everything I could think of packing fit into a small bag, I picked it up as I got out of
the bedroom the front door opened, I had a gun in my hand waiting to shoot. It
was Thabo, he walked closer to me asking me what was going on. I failed to think
of him and how he’d feel if I left him but I found comfort in knowing he didn’t
want me here in the first place, he once asked me to take my belongings as go far
away from him that’s what I was doing.
Me: I’m leaving.
Thabo: ngobani?
I couldn’t tell him I was leaving because of fear, I couldn’t let him know I was
running away from fear.
Me: I’m leaving because of you.
Thabo: I wasn’t with her! Why are you angry?
Me: because you’re keeping something from me! If you weren’t with one of
them… what were you doing? if there was one woman selling her body what’s
keeping you from buying her services.
We were close to each other knowing that I’ll step out of that door and I might
not see him again had my heart aching. I dropped the back he held my hands
pulling me closer to him.
Thabo: what keeps me from buying her services is my love for you. I love you.
I pulled my hands away and stood furtherer from him.
Me: no! No, you don’t!
Thabo: Nhlalo. I love you.

I was left speechless, with nothing to say I picked up the bag started walking
away. Before I opened the door, a knife passed my ear striking into the wall, I
turned around screaming, “let me go!” before I took off the ring.
Thabo: put it back on!
Me: cha! Thabo I’m leaving so please let me leave!
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He held me by my arms and started shaking me.

Thabo: stop saying you’re leaving and put that ring back on! Damn it!
Me: Thabo ngyekele!
“wemfazi ngithe awuyi nda…” I had closed my eyes, leaned away from him with
my hands above my head and held my breathe waiting for a slap, after a few
seconds I opened them and his hand was held up in the air with him looking at it
before he looked at me with eyes full of tears, his other hand let go of my arm. I
ran away from him. It looked as if he was terrified of himself and what he was
about to do. I could take a slap from anybody else but him. The realisation that he
was a child born from abuse made me think the apple didn’t fall far from the tree,
the shadow of Julius was catching up to him.
Me: you’re a monster! Just like your grandfather… or should I say father.
I ran into our bedroom and locked the door, rolled myself up in a blanket, put
earphones on and gave myself time to think. He started knocking on the door,
and seeing if it was open.
Thabo: ngyaxolisa, Nhlalo! It just happened, I swear I didn’t mean to.
I could hear him apologising, I never thought he’d be abusive, part of me didn’t
believe he was, for five years of his life he witnessed it. Sometimes when we don’t
know what to do, we tend to look to our past for a solution. I got closer to the
door, a part of me wanted to open it and hug his troubles away.
Me: … if you ever touch me like that ever again I swear me leaving… will be your
last problem.
I couldn’t hear stand to hear his excuses so I increased the volume. This should be
the time when I call my mother for advice, I didn’t know whether to stay or leave.
I needed to leave the house send him divorce papers and raise mini-us’s alone
and tell them he died but that would be unfair to Thabo because it wasn’t his
fault that he experienced and saw his father/grandfather’s abusive ways, but he
made the choice to raise his hand at me but he didn’t go threw with it. I had a
headache thinking about it. A strong drink would’ve been great but I had to put
mini-us’ before my stress. My left hand felt weird, I remembered I took off my
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ring. I remembered what gogo said “whenever you fight just think of your
wedding vows”, the vows we took for “better and for worse”, this was the worst
it’s ever been, I was letting my fear blind my judgement. I was imagining things,
Siseko wasn’t actually at the hotel, the panic attack I had might have blurred my
vision. I thought about mini-us’s again and how they didn’t deserve to be raised
by parents who couldn’t solve their matters like adults.
I stood in front of the door but decided I wasn’t unlocking it.

Me: Thabo…
Thabo: ngiyaxolisa, I know it doesn’t mean much for what I did but I just want
you to know that I mean it.
Me: I’m also sorry for slapping you, how’s your cheek?
Thabo: honestly no slap has ever hurt like this, unjani?... Ninjani?
Me: we’re fine although I’d like peanut butter cookie ice cream.
Thabo: and fried pickles?

We had said our apologies and made up but the damage was done, we sat in bed
silence, the ice cream didn’t taste that good. I only ate one spoon and went to
sleep but I didn’t feel his arms around me. I couldn’t stop but to think it was my
fault, if I hadn’t been nosey, then maybe things would be different. Although I
knew he was hiding something from me and I knew it. I knew I was leaving for
rehab the next day and I didn’t want to leave with another fight.
The next morning the sound of pots cluttering woke me up. When I got out of the
bedroom with a gun in my hand prepared to shoot the thieves. I cocked the gun
before slowly trying to sneak up on them.
Thabo: don’t shoot, it’s me.
I dropped the gun before smiling all the way to the kitchen. Where I got a good
morning kiss and flowers.
Thabo: pregnant woman don’t carry guns, in fact you should sit down smile and
let me pamper you.
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Me: what’s the occasion?

I placed the flowers far from me afraid of the smell, visually taking in their beauty.
Thabo: I’m trying to convince my wife to not leave.
Me: I’m trying to better my self for mini-us’s, and so should you.
Thabo: meaning?
Me: I think you should go to therapy or anger management classes.
Thabo: I don’t have any mental illnesses or anger issues.
Me: I’m going to rehab to fix myself i… all three of us want you to be more
accepting of your past so it doesn’t shadow your future.
Thabo: there’s a man who’s been confessing to murdering his wife to me for the
past 2 years, he’s crazy and I don’t want to be crazy.
Me: Thabo, you aren’t crazy and you didn’t murder anyone but you need to deal
with this because I don’t want mini-us’s to grow up with an angry father. We’re
both broken but the least we can do is pick up the pieces that we can.
He pulled me by the waist and kissed me before getting on one knee and kissing
my belly twice.
Thabo: one of you must be Shakespeare’s reincarnate because your mother’s

suddenly poetic.
After breakfast we got the luggage into the car, well Thabo carried anything over
a kilogram, being treated like a fragile egg felt good, as long as I wasn’t being
carried around everywhere. He kissed both my cheeks and my belly again, he was
making it obvious to anyone who was walking past the house that I was… he
was… we were— we cared for each other.
Thabo: was that a kick? Or was it your heart skipping a beat?
After helping him back to his feet I hugged him taking a deep breathe bracing
myself to leave. Two months didn’t seem that short anymore.
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Me: I’ll miss you and can I have my ring back?
He ran back inside, when he came back outside before getting on one knee again.
He took out a small box.
Thabo: I’ve been meaning to give you this, I figured the EXTRA diamond wasn’t
your style.
He slid a ring into my finger and I liked it, even more than the old one with
diamonds all over and that EXTRA diamond in the middle. This one was simpler
and drew less attention to my hands. I wished I wasn’t that late so I could kiss him
all the way back to our bedroom.
Me: don’t get too crazy with psycho Sunday.

We kissed again sadly I had to leave, I chose to drive myself to the rehab so I
could prepare myself for whatever was coming.
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Chapter 14
I got to the rehab centre telling myself this was for myself and mini. We were
welcomed to the centre, when I looked around I saw people who were struggling
more than myself, one of them was in tears and others were twitching and
itching for drugs. We were assigned rooms, I got the room at the end of the
hallway, it had a bed with a few parenting and addiction books and a great view
of the lake. It felt nice having silence and a room that didn’t smell like Thabo’s
cologne.
The first week was intense, detox was intense, there were at least 3 people taken
to hospital.
The second week was better and the next step was healing. A few hours passed
since lunch, I was laying in bed bored as fuck waiting for the day to be over and I
was hungry and thirsty. So I went to the kitchen to fetch a bottle of water, when I
came back I wasn’t looking and I bumped into a person. She was coloured and
had tattoo’s all over her, I noticed the dragon on he back of her neck since I
always wanted a tattoo like that.
Her: sorry, Gail, I’m one of the inmates.

My mood was too low to be stressed by her.
Me: trust me prison is far worse than this.
Gail: my husband would vouch for you on that one.
Me: he’s in prison?
Gail: no. That asshole’s dead.
Me: sorry for your loss.
Gail: well don’t be for all I care he deserved it.

I didn’t want to say it but she seemed like the one who killed her husband.
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A pregnant patient passed me she had a huge belly bump.

Me: isn’t it scary having to carry such a load? I’m only four months pregnant but I
am terrified of looking like I’m going to explode.
Gail: giving birth is worse.

Giving birth seemed so distant in my mind but it was a discomforting thought to
think about.
Me: so does your vagina ever recover or does it stay…
Gail: of course it does but giving birth is painful. It’s like taking a shit the size of a
ball with your vagina.
Me: and all men have to do is plant the sperm.
Gail: that’s why with my child I made sure I was whiney, demanding and dramatic.
Me: they should pay us for services rendered.

We spoke for a while before she said she was tired even though the time was
7pm.
The next morning the whole group was sitting around in a circle, some of us didn’t
look so good, like me I was a cup of water away from vomiting.
Her: Good morning my beautiful angels some of you might already know me and
for those who don’t I'm Rachel and I’ll be guiding you to a better drug free life. So
anybody mind sharing their story?
Rachel spoke to us like we were two year old children.
Gail: I’m Gail Van Wyk I’m addicted to cocaine. My husband died a few months
ago I found his stash and I started taking the cocaine, girls let me tell you I don’t
regret a moment of it.
Lesedi: I’m Lesedi but you can call me Sedi, I was a netball player before I broke
my neck and became addicted to painkillers, it elevated to more drugs and I
dragged my whole team down with me.
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Her: I’m Lianne and my fiancé hung himself on the day of our wedding and I
started marijuana.
Me: typical.
Rachel: come again…
Me: I’m just saying I bet he said he loved you… No matter how much you tell a
person you love them… you can tell them everyday and you can use every
breathe you have to prove it but still it’s not enough. She’ll say she loves you back
but, she didn’t even think of what you’d go threw when decided to slit her wrist
and take her last slumber in tub of water. As time goes you realise she didn’t love
you and all the I love you's were the sweetest lies she’s ever been told…
Liam started crying and I felt something running down my cheek, in the realising it
was a tear I quickly wiped it off and wore a subtle grin.
Rachel: is that why you started using?
Me: no! I started using because it was an experience and life is too short to be
mediocre… oh my name is Nhlalo Langa.
More people introduced themselves and it was a sad truth that most of us started
taking drugs because of what another person did. After the long speech Rachel
had we had lunch and the food was better than Thabo’s something green and
peas. I started to see what Gail meant by inmates, I chose to sit alone since there
was too much socialising for my liking. Gail came up to me, she was a social
butterfly I was sure she knew everybody already.
Gail: so when you said Nhlalo Langa do you mean Langa as in Thabo's wife?
Me: yes.
Gail: as in wedding-napper Nhlalo?
Me: yes, that’s me.

I was sure she’d attack me or cuss me out.
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Gail: you are a sneaky little bitch… and I love you! I hated Denise with a passion!
Thank you for marrying sour B.
Me: what did she do to you?
Gail: nothing much except not making me one of her bridesmaids because I had a
better cleavage than hers and her existence was just a nuisance, I was surprised
sour B was going to marry her.
I was lost, why was she at my wedding?… or Denise’s wedding? And who was Sour
B?
Me: sour B?
Gail: I used to call Thabo that when we were still kids.
Me: so you’re his childhood friend?
Gail: no! I’m your husband’s younger sister. I’m Yvonne's daughter I can’t believe
he hasn’t told you about me yet. I’m so happy I could finally meet you and Thabo
never told me I was going to be an aunt. I was at your wedding or Denise’s
wedding.
She hugged me leading me to spill my tea. I drank green tea because it was
healthier and I wanted to be in the best shape.
Gail: so is it a boy or a girl?
Me: I don’t know yet, I’ll find out when I deliver them.
Gail: them? Are you having triplets?!
Me: no! Twins.

It still hadn’t sunk in yet, I was having twins, wow.
Gail: I always wanted twins I’d name them Wynne and Dwayne. I’m planning the
baby shower!
Gail could talk for hours there was nothing stopping her I hadn’t talked to a
person who was basically a stranger to me for so long.
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The next day I was feeling sick, morning sickness and the smell of the freshly cut
grass had me sick to my stomach and my nose started bleeding too, one of the
books said it was completely natural so I wasn’t worried. Yes I read the books,
there was nothing better to do. In the state I was in the last thing I needed was
socializing with anybody. The bottle of water I had was my best friend the whole
morning.
There was a knock on the door, I ignored it for a while until the person instead of
leaving me alone chose to come in uninvited.
When I turned around it was the kindergarten teacher and another woman who
had glasses, a strong stare and an even stronger looking stance.
Rachel: Ms Langa thi—
Me: MRS Langa.
Rachel: this is our therapist Mrs Beatrice Van Der Graaf.
Me: yoh! Get out before the nausea gets worse.

Their perfumes were too strong for me and Ms Van Der Ntonton might’ve smelt a
little funny for me. I spent the rest of the day in my room reading to keep myself
from dying from boredom. Until the kindergarten teacher came into my room
again.
Me: what if I was naked!?
Rachel: were both women so it’s nothing I haven’t seen… unless you have
something else there.
Me: I came here to recover from drugs and not to find another reason to take
them, I’m going to get annoyed and next thing I’ll find myself smoking weed but if
you don’t want that to happen you’ll knock next time.
Rachel: I’ll make sure to, but I just came here to remind you that you have to be at
a session with Mrs Van Der Graaf.
Me: now?
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Rachel: now.
I sighed and went to Mrs Van Der ntonnton's office, the room was warm and
comforting, it felt cosy and safe. I sat on the couch before Mrs Van Der something
came in with tea, we greeted each other before she sat down.
Mrs Van Der what-what: people who show up here are usually a mess but you
seem pretty well and have thought a bunch about what you would like to talk
about. If you don't mind I'm going to ask you a few questions, and take notes so it
stays fresh in my mind.
Me: of course.
Mrs Van Der what-what: Everyone has different perspectives on what their
problem is and who or what the solution is. The point of this is to allow you to
open up to different ways of dealing with problems— change, but without feeling
hurried. What is your problem?
Me: I have a drug addiction.
Mrs Van Der what-what: every recovering addict has a problem they have to face.
We are going to work to find it and solve it. What is your problem from your view
point?
Me: I lost my mother and my sister few months ago I think that’s it.
Mrs Van Der what-what: we all have problems and challenges we must face are
you an optimist or a pessimist?
I’m a serial pessimist, she carried on asking a few questions and before I knew it
the session was over, I was hungry, tired and sleepy. After dinner I went to sleep. I
got tired easily and half past six had never been bedtime for me.
The next day I was at it again with Mrs Van Der Ntonnton.
Ms Van Der Ntonton: in this room it’s just you and I. I am here to help you. I’m
here and I’m listening so when was your first experience with a drug be illegal or
legal?
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Me: I’d tried drugs before but I never really got hooked on them, my first time
was when I was 17 and it was Vape I think. Oh I was already smoking and drinking
by 15.
Mrs Van Der what-what: you seem pretty comfortable talking to a stranger about
your challenges in life. Have you seen a counsellor before?
Me: yes. Threw out my teen years.
Mrs Van Der what-what: why might I ask.
Me: when I was 14 my best friend committed suicide, I started going to a

therapist from there on.
Mrs Van Der what-what: I heard how you commented to Lianne’s introduction,
were you talking about your best friend?
Me: …yes. She slit her wrist in a tub of water, the next day she was found there
dead and she couldn’t even say goodbye.
Mrs Van Der what-what: I’m sorry for your loss. Tell me how it happened more of
the event.
Me: there isn’t anymore I can say, my memory’s blank, all I remember is waking
up one morning, I don’t remember anything else except her funeral.
Mrs Van Der Ntonnton: did she do it in your tub or her’s?
Me: it was in… my tub. No! Her tub, we had a sleep over that night.
Mrs Van Der Ntonnton: do you remember the night before that morning, what
she said what you spoke about? Anything?
Me: no.
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Mrs Van Der Ntonnton: Why did she affect you this much? Was she more than
just a friend to you?
Me: Braxton was… my best friend. We grew up together. She was the one person
who I could talk to all night and not feel drained, she used to always bring a smile
to my face and when she cried I was there visa versa. It’s stupid to say but she
was my soul mate.
Mrs Van Der what-what: so she was your girlfriend?
Me: girlfriend is the least that she was, she was my ride or die. We were so
desperately in love or at least that’s what I thought. Until she couldn’t see the
value of her life, she was obsessed with beauty she didn’t see it in herself, not
knowing she was the definition of it, she was always smiling even though she had
her demons eating her up, she kept strong, that was beautiful. She woke up every
morning, sometimes next to me and she’d fake a smile and I couldn’t see threw it.
Mrs Van Der what-what: how has that affected your past relationships?
Me: I’ve only been in one relationship after that, my marriage.
Mrs Van Der what-what: have you been able to commit to a person
wholeheartedly after her?
Me: can I ask you question?
Mrs Van Der Ntonnton: sure!
Me: can you commit your whole heart to a person? No. There can only be that
much space for a person.
Mrs Van Der what-what: so that’s a no. But do you love the person you’re married
to?
Me: love is a strong word, I don’t like using it without meaning it.
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Mrs Van Der what-what: are you afraid of loving again? Some people love a
person so much that when they loose them they do resort to either not believing
in love or ignoring theiur emotions.
Me: everybody I love leaves me. I don’t want to love if I have to loose.
Mrs Van Der what-what: everybody like who?
Me: the night Braxton killed herself, I think the last words she said to me were “I
love you.” I loved my parents and my sister they left me too… and my
grandmother-in-law, my last words to her were those words.
Mrs Van Der nton nton: you can cry.

I felt a tear falling.
Me: tissue please.
Mrs Van Der nton nton: I don’t work with tissues, I want you to cry, they wipe
away your emotions and it .asked you feel like you should hold them in.
Me: there’s just so many people that could’ve been better without me.
Mrs Van Der nton nton: which people? Let’s talk about it.
I didn’t have it in me to talk about it.
Me: can I please leave.
Mrs Van Der What what: the sessions is over but think of how Braxton made you
feel and how your husband makes you feel. Are those emotions the same? And if
they are then it means just like you loved Braxton, you love your husband.
I stood up and left, keeping her last words in mind. During my walk I was thinking.
What I was feeling, I took a lot of emotional strength to bring back the emotions I
felt when I was with Braxton, whenever I thought of her, there was a cloud of
pain raining on my every memory of her, no matter how joyful they seemed.
Thabo and I weren’t romantic to be directed it was like a good friendship where
we were there for each other. We cared for each other and I appreciated him
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giving me the opportunity to be a mother. When I finished my walk I felt tired so I

called it a day.
The next day we had group counselling, I preferred the private therapy instead of
the group therapy, it was more confidential and I could speak and feel like I was
making a progress.
Rachel: morning, I hope in the first few days you’re seeing the difference in
yourself. Nhlalo how are you doing?
Out of all 26 people in the room she noticed me! I didn’t know what to say, I was
still figuring things out myself. I didn’t have an answer but another patient, Lesedi
was glad to speak about herself.
When the session was over and believe me I couldn’t stand to listen to anymore
of Lesedi's “eye opening experiences”, it was time for lunch, believe when I say I
was eating almost double than before, close to I was half way down the
pregnancy, I couldn’t wait to see the little humans inside me.
Gail sat next to me, violently biting her bread, Gail acted the hard-core inmate
when she wanted to. I was eating cereal for lunch, I found bread to be disgusting
and especially whole wheat.
Gail: sleep while you can. When I was 6 months pregnant and onwards I couldn’t
sleep a wink without feeling uncomfortable.
Me: so was your kid a girl or a boy?
Gail: a boy. Wayne. My son’s name was Wayne.

I realised I was late for my walk, on my down the golf course I couldn’t help but
think of how sad Gail seemed when she spoke about her son. When I came back
from my walk I sat next to Gail, she was sitting alone for once and I figured
something was wrong. When I got closer I realised she was crying.
Gail: please. Leave me alone.
Me: Gail there’s no need to cry, let’s just talk about it.
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She had her arms around me, crying, I wondered what was wrong but didn’t know
how to ask.
Gail: I miss him so much.
Me: who? Your husband?
Gail: Why would I miss Kevin. I miss Wayne, my Wa-wa I don’t know where he is I
knew I shouldn’t’ve left him with that stupid, unreliable piece of shit!
Me: calm down, h…how old was he?
Gail: he was 4, I went out to buy toilet paper I should’ve left with him but… (sigh)
when I came back home they both weren’t there! Those lazy police can’t find him.
Gail Van Wyk was married to a Kevin, they had a son who was 4, Failed husband
was Kevin Van Wyk. Which meant the twinkling star was her son, what did I do?! I
killed Thabo’s nephew. I moved away from Gail, locked myself in my room before
the mask hiding the murderer I was fell off, I lost my breathe, drowning in the
guilt with tears falling from my eyes but no matter how many tears fell... I knew I
wasn’t going to fill the hole made by the guilt, I looked over at my pillow
reminded of the 3 minutes I spent pressing onto his face. I am a monster. A
monster. I sat on the bed taking deep breathes to hold myself back from letting
out a sound. There was a fork and a knife on the table next to my food. I held the
knife against my skin slowly pushing it deeper focusing on the pain from the cut,
letting the feeling of guilt die out in the blood dripping from my wrists, before
closing my eyes.
I was in a room, I knew this room, I looked around I finally figured it was Braxton's
room. She came out of the bathroom her curly hair hanging down her face and
the orange lipstick she’d always wear, she was wearing nothing, I was also naked,
she was showing me retro pyjamas she bought for us. We wore them then I took
out a box, it had two necklaces together they said “till death do us part” we kissed
after that. There was a noise lingering in the background, it got louder until the
room turned to darkness.
I opened my eyes looking at the ceiling knowing I wasn’t in the dream anymore,
A knocking noise woke me up, when I checked the clock it was 10 am already. I
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had to be to the group counselling session an hour ago. I took a quick shower
making sure to get the blood off my wrist, one of the many rules of that place was
to never miss a session but I was pregnant and I was sure that would be a good
enough excuse. I wore a long sleeve jersey even if the days were getting hotter.
The group counselling was over when I got there, it was time for brunch and I was
hungry.
After brunch I went for my walk, the dream I had felt so real maybe I was reliving
the last night with Braxton.
“Nhlalo!”,I turned around to see Gail running to me, she seemed ok.
Gail: I’m so sorry about what happened yesterday but I just miss Wynne so much
and talking about him made me emotional.
Me: what was he like?
Gail: Wayne! He used to talk nonstop, I remember there were times when Kevin
didn’t come home and I’d be worried sick but having Wynne made all things
better. Now I I don’t even know where my son is.
Me: I’m sorry. I’m sure he didn’t want to leave you.
Gail: it’s not your fault but it’s that foxes fault… Mrs Van Der Fox, talking to her
forced me to dig up the deepest darkest parts of my life.
If what Gail was saying was true then I was in trouble, I felt comfortable with
talking to the fox but I wasn’t prepared to tell her I murdered anybody, I was
afraid she’d dig deep for answer’s in me. I had already told her enough. The only
thing left to tell her was about Siseko and my thirst to avenge my parents and I
wasn’t prepared to talk about either topic.
When the walk was done I had a session with the fox the name suited her she
kind of looked like one.
I sat down comfortably greeted Mrs Van Der Ntonnton, she was making herself a
cup of tea.
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Mrs Van Der what-what: Morning Mrs Langa, have you thought about what your
relationships with Braxton and your husband? What did you realise?
Me: I thought about it and I realised, my husband and I share a good friendship.
Mrs Van Der What-what: just friendship? When did you start using drugs
intensely.
Me: about... 9 months ago.
Mrs Van Der what-what: what happened 9 months ago?
Me: nine months ago…
“my precious diamond”

It was like I could hear him say it again, I felt cold, thinking of him. resentment
towards him made goosebumps on my skin. I couldn’t bear to say what happened
to me, even if knew it was the trigger.
Me: nine months ago… it was all over the news… remember the… building that
was burnt down in Durban a few month’s. I was… there.
Mrs Van Der what what: I heard about it on the news. I’m sorry. But it’s time you
forgive yourself and heal from what you went through.
She said it with ease. Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror I was always
reminded of that place. There was no way I was going to heal while the scar
Arnold Siseko Bhengu was still present on my face. It was like he was mocking me
every time I looked at myself. How could I heal when my inner thighs had bruises
on them. I didn’t want to heal. I wanted Siseko to fear me whenever he thought
of me, I wanted him to shake and panic at the mere mention of my name, I
wanted him to have nightmares about me, I wanted him to look in the mirror and
know I will always be waiting for him, just like he made me feel.
Mrs Van Der what what: who was he? Often you’ll find that speaking will heal you
more than staying silent.
I couldn’t even find it in me to allow myself to unleash those memories by saying
his name. I wished my children to never hear it coming from my mouth.
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Me: I’m not going to say his name I’ve moved on from that.
Mrs Van Der Ntonnton: you’ve moved on? So you can trust people again? Is it the
same as before?
Me: it’s not the same, of course I can’t trust strangers fully, I’m still scared to
death that this man might find me one day but I’m not letting that fear control me
so I think I’ve healed.
Mrs van Der Ntonnton: you still have to speak about the event, you know you can
tell me anything and I’ll be listening.
Me: I don’t have a choice do I?
Mrs Van Der Ntonnton: I’m listening.
Me: first I was kidnapped, kept in a room without a window without food for days
and maybe I passed out from starvation when I woke up I was in a room full of
women. From there I could hear women screaming from the other side of the
walls…
I told her everything, everything I remembered and wanted her to know. I asked
her if we could end the session there, I was feeling lightheaded, had a bit of a
headache so I wanted to just got to sleep. I stood up everything spun and I was on
the ground. Mrs Van Der Ntonnton gave me a cup of water, she didn’t take her
eyes off me.
Mrs Van Der what what: take off the jersey and you’ll be fine… unless there’s
something your hiding? Self harm?
I pulled the sleeves down even more.

Me: what! No, I haven’t eaten all day and your office isn’t the coolest place to be.
She sat back on her chair, I stood up and sat back on the couch after noticing she
wanted me to sit down.
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Mrs Van Der what What: Mrs Langa, I’m not going to argue with you nor will I
force you to come clean. But I do need you to talk. When did you start cutting
yourself?
Me: I don’t know… a long time ago. I don’t remember.
Mrs Van Der what what: was it when you lost Braxton?
Me: no. Months after I was just trying to bring the emotions back.
Mrs Van Der what what: I’m going to help you make a realisation. Braxton is your
trigger.
Me: no. I started drugs after I that night with that bastard… then I got into the
bathtub and tried committing suicide… oh.
It hurt to believe. I realised then that when I tried to commit suicide in Siseko's
bathtub, I had a flashback. The flashback was of her. Cutting myself made me feel
closer to her.
It hurt to admit Braxton was the cause of my addiction, I didn’t even know. I sat
on my bed feeling tired, I fell asleep again. I knew I was asleep because I was in
Braxton’s room. We were kissing, then she stopped.
Braxton: do you love me?
Of course I said yes, she took out two knives and told me about how we could
stay together forever. The bath water was running, I think I opened it. We were
going to die together. She picked the bathtub and I picked the bed. I said I love
her and she said it back. I put the knife on my wrist and we did a count down and
on 0 we slit our wrists. We were meant to die together, why did I not die? I woke
up the next mornings in her room, I saw the cut on my wrist, it wasn’t deep
enough. With hope I went to the bathroom to see if she also made the same
mistake, but instead she was in a bathtub dead. Her curly hair now floating alone
That was the day I decided being a girl was too difficult and to act like a man and
to not cry—”indoda ayikhali”
I opened my eyes again, I was back in bed knowing what really happened, I
realised what my mistake was. I took a breathe and the tears came falling, I had
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taken out the knife, at one point I had it on my wrist again, I stopped. Pulled the
knife away and that was the beginning of healing myself.
Chapter 15
I thought two months would pass by quickly but I found out I was wrong. The
peace was well enjoyed for a day or two but then I started missing everything, like
Thabo’s snoring, which I couldn’t sleep comfortably without I had grown used to it
and it had somewhat became my lullaby, I also missed the smell of a Padron
coming in from the bedroom window, the smell of Thabo’s fried pickles, the late
night movies, Thabo waking me up in the morning, the little arguments, the
unexpected kisses, the weirdness of Thabo and I also missed the feeling of having
someone to talk to, everything I missed was surrounded around being with or
around Thabo. I found that most of my days I was too tired to socialize with other
people, I avoided Gail, the guilt was unavoidable.
The last day of rehab! I thanked Mrs Van Der Graaf for her help and everybody
else. Gail tried to get a lift from me but I couldn’t bear a whole 2 hours feeling
guilty of killing her child. So I acted like I couldn’t hear her and drove off.
I got to Thabo’s house, I opened the door, wanting to sneak in and surprise Thabo
but I was the one left surprised, when I was met with a beer bottle by the door. I
kicked it aside and walked to the living room.
Kea and prettyboy came from one of the guest bedrooms, to make it worse Kea
was walking around with a G-string.
Prettyboy: makaJohn noJohnny!
Kea: no babe, she’s obviously lost, help her.
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Prettyboy: why should I help her?
Kea: she’s pregnant and look at her foot if it gets any bigger they’d explode.
Prettyboy: Coconut utshele indoda yakho ukuthi I want my fair share.

I didn’t know what that was about but Prettyboy was obviously not going to help
me, I decided to go outside, get fresh air and thought it would be best to go to
Thabo's office before I got more disgusted by Prettyboy and his tail girlfriend.
By the time I got to the office I was tired and felt like I could eat a whole mountain
of food.
I passed the receptionist like she wasn’t even there, opened the door and the
smell of a Padron, made me smile or maybe it was seeing Thabo after what felt
like a long time. I remember his reaction clearly. He was on the phone when I
came in, he was shouting for some reason, he looked up and stopped talking and
smiled. I had a fuzzy feeling inside, I couldn’t stop from smiling back.
Thabo: nasi’isthandwa sami. N… Nhlalo, I could’ve fetched you. Sit down. I’ll get
yo—
Me: you talk too much.

I kissed him. Besides the baby bump between us, this must’ve been the best kiss
I’ve ever experienced.
Thabo: it’s either my eyes are fooling me or you must be glowing, my soldiers are
doing good in there.
It was crazy how euphoric we were, I remember my heart pacing faster, like it too
was smiling, but my foot were killing me, usually I’d have it in cold water and if I
didn’t then I was likely to get a nosebleed soon afterwards.
Me: my foot are about to explode.
I laid on the couch and drank water, it was a really hot summer.
Me: why is prettyboy and his tail at your house?
Thabo: pr— Loyiso and Kea, my babies ningadeleli njengomah wenu. I sold it to
them.
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Me: Thabo! There’s only a few months left and it might take weeks before getting
a new house… we need to get the house ready for mini-us's… and what if they
come early and they have no bed and they’ll have to sle—
Thabo: now that’s you’re here you can decide between houses.
Me: I’m too tired to go shopping… especially for a house.
Thabo: The houses have already been bought, you just need to pick.
Me: couldn’t you pick for yourself? What are the options then?
He sat back on his chair and showed me pictures of two houses, one was a 8
bedroom triple story modern house, I don’t remember the details of it but it was
all white, black and grey and it looked boring. The other house was an old school
manor, it caught my eye. I couldn’t wait to see it but I had to go to doctors Patel, I
really wanted to find out the twins genders, I wanted Thabo and I to find out at
the same time and resisting temptation was difficult.
I don’t remember much about the trip going there except me looking at my foot
wondering if it’d get bigger, I zoned out after doctor Patel said they’re healthy,
she talked for a while.
“it’s a boy and a girl, congratulations”
I smiled, we smiled, even doctor Patel, I only noticed because her teeth were
crooked AF. I looked at the screen and I saw little baby fingers and I couldn’t wait
to hold them, I still couldn’t believe I was pregnant or married all in one year and
Muzi said I’d be an old lady with cats.
We left and went to the house after I went to PnP to buy myself the junk I’d snack
on during my midnight toilet visits, I always had to pee. The house looked exactly
how I imagined it to be, I could just see mini us's running around the house.
Thabo: Yvonne and I couldn’t decide, but I knew you’d choose the old, haunted
house. Perfect for Halloween.
I remembered Gail, don’t blame me for not remembering, I was having a serious
case of pregnancy brain.
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Me: a little Birdy told me your nickname Sour B.

He laughed a little, while looking at me, before he realised I was talking about
Gail.
Thabo: you met Gail? Where?
Me: she was at rehab with me, you never told me you had a sister.
Thabo: I was planning to introduce you to her along with Yvonne. Talking about
introductions, this is Thuli she’ll be helping around the house.
Me: sawubona.
I shook her hand and took into attention how clean the house was. I carried on
into the other rooms and the house was perfect. Thabo came in with a cup of
water.
Me: for me?
Thabo: for myself, you’re standing in front of a tap.

We we’re in the in suite of what I had decided to make a guest bedroom.
Me: if I bend over right now I swear my insides would come out, bathroom water
that’s disgusting.
“bend over”, he mumbled while laughing.

Me: you’re disgusting!
He gave me the cup of water, I went to sit on the bed and he started massaging
me foot.
Thabo: I’m just saying that there will be no more doggy style.
Me: These children have ears, they can hear you.
Thabo: hear me saying what? Dildo. Lube. Balls. Clit—
Me: babies you’re father is an absolute pervert.
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Thabo: mxm, what weird craving do you have today?
Me: fish and rice… no sushi with vinegar.
Thabo: a can of peas it is.
Me: fine I’ll go to bed hungry.

He went to the in suite again.
Thabo: for the sake of my babies you can order anything you wa—
I got a phone call from Gail.
“Nhlalo, I need help, I’m in a bit of trouble”, she sounded scared, I wondered
what she did, if she went back to her addiction and was in trouble with drug
dealers.
“Where are you? You’re not in any trouble right?”
“I’m at home. Come soon”

She ended the call. I scram for Thabo, he thought I was in labour, when we got to
the car I explained I wasn’t in labour and we should go to Gail’s house.
From a distance I saw the house, the night was dark with no moon but the stars lit
up the sky. I knew Wayne was the one that shined the most, the guilt came back
tenfold. Thabo stopped the car in front of the house and went inside. I couldn’t go
in there, it was as if I could see Kevin’s blood and the pillow I used on Wayne. I
got out of the car and went over to the driver’s seat, I drove away. Didn’t know
where I was going. I could hear my phone ringing continuously. I got to a petrol
station and stopped the car there, I stayed in the car feeling frustrated. I killed a
child, if I could kill a child then I was inhuman. If there was a way to turn back my
deed then I would.
I went into the store to buy anything that would make me forget, except for beer .
When I came out I was carrying a lot of ice cream, chocolates and chips.
“surprise!”
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Gail was screaming at the top of her lungs. I was really surprised, she was carrying
balloons with her, they were blue and pink.
Gail: you can run away from the party but the party will come to you.
Me: party?
Gail: I said I’ll plan the baby shower and here it is.
She placed a crown on my head and gave me a huge t-shirt written “I’m having
twins” in bold colours. There was a cake with two babies playing together. I swear
I was smiling the whole time, the baby shower just reminded me I was a few
weeks away from birth. We went back inside the store and they were kind
enough to put decorations up, they didn’t do it for most customers, only the ones
having twins or just me because Gail demanded for it or less she would give them
a one star rating.
We had a slice of cake, Gail drank tequila shots and I had non-alcoholic
champagne (I was trying to be sophisticated or I would’ve had non-alcoholic
whiskey, if it exists)
Me: where’s Thabo?
Gail: Yvonne and him went somewhere… it was urgent.
Me: Yvonne… she’s here?

I would finally meet Yvonne.
Gail: (sarcastically) yay, now we can all celebrate the great Yvonne’s return.
Me: why do you call your mother Yvonne?
Gail: if anybody asks she’s my younger sister because in her eyes I’m 65 by the
way I dress and she’s 26 because of her 18” inch weave made from real Japanese
hair but let’s not dwell in that, how are the two beings feeling in there?
Me: they love sugar! They’re kicking, from the sweetness of the cake.
She put her hand on my belly, I stopped smiling.
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Gail: gosh! They can really kick! Ah, Wayne used do the same. I just wish I knew
where he was. I wish I could’ve kept him in my womb to keep him safe again.
I couldn’t take back what I did to Gail and seeing her happy for me made the guilt
double, she sat back down she had tears, she opened a tub of ice cream. I was
going to tell her, it would mean my arrest but Gail was desperate for answers and
I had them.
Me: Gail… I’m sorry fo—
Gail: I’m planning to adopt a child! Maybe I’ll call him Wayne and I’ve moved on
from Kev, I met this guy at a bar he’s okay… so I’m fine.
She wiped her tears and ate a handful of ice cream.
Gail: I’m sorry for ruining your moment I know everybody’s tired of my sobbing.
Me: no! We’ll sit here and I’ll listen to your sobbing, we can’t pretend you’re not
hurting.
Gail: if Yvonne could hear you right now she’d think you’re crazy.
Me: maybe I am crazy for caring about how you feel, I’ve never met Yvonne
before, how is she?
Gail: she’s a snake. When I first met Kev I would’ve never thought he’d be a
gangster but Yvonne can do the impossible. Kev and I were so in love once but he
turned into a cheating! Drug dealing! Abusing! Lazily ass mother fucker!
Me: he used to hit you?
Gail: it was the drugs, they got to his head and when I didn’t give him the money
for them… let’s just say I was left with more than a blue eye. You’re lucky, Thabo
is one heck of a person, if he wasn’t my brother I’d probab—
Me: woman must be the strongest creatures out here.
Gail: you’re speaking too soon, you haven’t given birth yet, we should get paid for
this. We carry them, we birth them and believe me you’ll also feed them.
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Me: I really don’t want to think about having two children coming from my
vagina.
Gail: I was as nervous as you, I cried all the way threw labour but it was worth it,
for my little Wayne.
I felt myself running out of breathe, something inside felt like it was getting
tighter, Gail lost the one most important thing to her because of my thirst for
vengeance.
Gail: Nhlalo!
Me: Gail…
Gail: you went red, had me worried sick you had a permanent brain freeze. It’s
late I think you should go get some rest.
She called Thabo to come drive me back to the house before her Uber came, she
left her car there, she was too drunk to drive.
Thabo got there I was standing outside waiting for him. He came out of a car that
immediately left after he got off.
Me: was that Yvonne?
Thabo: no! That’s her driver, she likes to be classy.

He got the cake from inside and out it in the boot, the cake was three layers, all
the midnight snacking I’d do.
Thabo: I’m taking a baby?

He extended his hand and I pushed it away.
Me: no!
I was going to save the two babies in top and when the twins were old enough
they’d eat them themselves. I just couldn’t watch Thabo bite the head of our
fondant baby and after I explained that he understood, so much so he kissed me
for being “smart” as if I wasn’t. We headed to the manor, I needed my rest.
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The car in front of us was driving slowly, my eyes got heavy. I woke up feeling like
I was falling, there was a loud sound, the car had stopped, the car in front of us
too, confused I looked over to Thabo.
Thabo: fuck! Nhlalo! Stay low.
Stay low? What was going on? The window on his side was cracked with a hole in
it. He kept holding his arm, there was blood. He was shot on his arm.
Me: Thabo. What’s going on?
He reached under his seat taking out a gun, he placed it on my lap.

Thabo: Shoot anybody who tries to harm you.
He went out of the car. I remember how that day I was furious of the way he
acted like Rambo. There was another car that stood next to his.
Two men came from all sides attacking Thabo, I got out of the car when one of
them violently beat Thabo to the ground. They carried on kicking him, I wasn’t
thinking straight I should’ve shot them right there and there. That’s what Nhlalo
would have done I knew that but whoever this woman was I didn’t know she was
in me, the woman who started begging them to stop even though I had a firearm
in my hand. Seeing Thabo curled up on the ground got to me. I went back inside
the car took my phone, wallets and keys out and threw it at them.
“One! Qeldela lo”

One who had the number one on his ski mask pulled out a gun. Nhlalo woke up, I
picked up the gun and shot one’s hand, he scram and dropped the gun.
Me: TAKE THE WALLET AND LEAVE!
Click
From behind I head the sound of a gun.
“drop the gun.”
Thabo was on the ground coughing up blood. I hesitated for a few seconds, Two
pressed his finger in Thabo's wound, Thabo scram out “Voetseg!” at him. The
person behind me was going to shoot me if I didn’t put the gun down, I let go of
the gun, it dropped to the ground.
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The person behind me had his arm around my neck with the gun held to my head.
For the sake of my children I didn’t make any attempt to go free I closed my eyes
holding my breath, they had the wallet and keys to the car, they were going to let
go of me soon and run away I thought, his gun surely didn’t have bullets. Thabo
was struggling to stand up but he did. He looked at me one of his eyes swollen
shut with blood coming from his mouth and nose, he grinned before boldly
asking, “wemgodoyi! Is this the best you could do?”
Our pride was cut from the same cloth, I swear, he said what I would’ve said and
he got another beating for it, that time One and Two held him back to his feet.
One: mgodoyi. Mawungafuni siqede ngenkosikazi yakho you’ll obey my orders

njengenja. Now get on the ground!
One and Two let go of Thabo to stand on his own, he stood there trying to look
fine, I could see he was weak. For a while he stood not doing anything.
“he said fuckin get on the ground!”

He looked at me again, he got on his knees slowly, I could feel his pride dropping
with him.
One: now beg and bark like a dog.

I closed my eyes, I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t hear him barking but instead I
heard him utter the word voestek pronouncing every sound to strike anger at
them. Couldn’t he bark for his children? If I knew myself well enough I wouldn’t
too.
There was a gunshot…
My ears went deaf for a while, the gunshot echoed in my head, out of shock I
opened my eyes. A person fell to the ground, I blinked twice and realised it was
Thabo. Two more followed.
“Tha— Thabo!”
I pulled away from the person holding me and got on my knees, his eyes were still
open. He was bleeding from his midsection. He looked at the babies before raising
his head looking at me, he whispered “help me.” My eyes felt like they were
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getting hotter and watering. He was shot on his arm twice on his leg once and on
the lower torso once that was what worried me the most, he was bleeding. The
sight of that blood took me back to when I saw Lethu on the ground. I had ran
after the kidnappers and I heard a gunshot. When I got to her she was still
breathing. That night. It came back to me like it was, the moment I had forgotten
about. The shooter shot her and left the gun there. Lethuthando didn’t die from
the gunshot from the torso. From far I saw her pulling the guns and shooting
herself again. My mind somehow chose to forget that part. The blood… Lethu's
blood… Thabo... Thabo!
I snapped out of it. The hijackers cars started, I had to stop the bleeding. I tore the
t-shirt I was wearing after failing to tear his. I took off Thabo's Polo neck as I was
about to get the bullet out, I was lifted from behind before making sense of it,
thrown into a car. Two was sitting next to me and Three driving. As the car drove
away I looked back he wasn’t moving, I could open the doors. I pulled the gun
from the hijacker sitting at the back and pointed it to the driver. The car stopped.
Me: get out!
They got out, the other car had driven away. I took a few steps back before I
turned around and started running to Thabo. I felt my ears getting hotter and the
tears building. There was so much blood. I touched him, he felt cold. I dropped
the gun, searched his pockets for his phone to call for an ambulance. I couldn’t
hold the phone, my hand were shaking. I had to stop the bleeding and get the the
bullet out. I don’t know how I lost my lenses but I was half blind when my finger
went into his wound. I could feel the bullet, I held it and pulled it out, bandaging
the wound with a strap of my t-shirt. It scared me how still her was. Why he
wasn’t moving or breathing. I had forgot then about an ambulance. I called.
Me: hello…
Other end: what’s your emergency?
Me: I need help… They shot him.
Other end: where are you?
Me: I… I don’t know but he’s bleeding.

I felt something warm run down my cheeks. We were in the middle of nowhere.
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Other end: turn on the location and the ambulance is on it’s way.
I turned on the location and sat down trying to catch my breathe, I laid my head
in his chest listening for his heartbeat.
Gu-gu… Gu-gu
It kept beating the pace getting slower by every beat, he was getting colder, the
blood running further. I couldn’t imagine raising our children as a single parent,
there was so much we still had to do. Maybe I cried, I don’t remember.
Me: Thabo. I can’t imagine telling our children about you. I don’t know how I’d
explain to them how their father was… the twins need you. Your family needs
you, l—
A gun clicked behind me, I could hear the ambulance and could I feel a pulse. I
lifted both my hands up. The hijackers were behind me. I was tied before I got
into the car, as it drove away I could see the ambulance lights, hear the sirens and
paramedics tending to Thabo.
The car got into a gravel road and after a while it stopped. I spoke the whole way
there, asking where we were going. I annoyed them and I was hungry so of course
I bothered them about it too, before I was taken out of the car I was gagged. The
door was opened by Two, he tried my hands together even more with duck tape.
He took me inside, there was as I g closer I heard shouting, I found out what the
shouting was about when I got in. One and Three were fighting over the reason to
shoot Thabo 4 times. Two was tying me to a chair, he was really considerate of my
situation and asked me if I was comfortable. How could I be comfortable when
those assholes shot Thabo and couldn’t even let me see if he was alive. I was
blindfolded, they didn’t gag me, so I made it clear I wanted food. I scram out
demanding food. I knew there were people in the room I could hear them
speaking.
“Fuck it you heard he’s alive on the news what else do you want me to do? Take
flowers to him!?”
Thabo was alive! He could’ve died, I sat on the chair with a little more ease
thinking how Thabo acted like a Rambo. Thinking back to the hijacking I wondered
why Thabo looked at me before kneeling. The emotion I just couldn’t grasp onto.
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“when we get our money I’m moving away because if I stay here I’ll shoot you
dead.”
“I should get the most money, leCoconut shot my finger off, I don’t have a fucking
finger!”
I thought I shot his hand but he lost a finger, I entertained the idea of seeing what
it looked like, I could imagine the pain and I wanted him to be in pain… all of
them. Those assholes nearly killed Thabo, they deserved to be burnt alive for all I
cared.
“hamba esibedlela”
“ You fucking crazy! Ngizofika ngithini? Nevermind, what do we do with coconut?”

At the time I was hungry and panicking, it didn’t occur to me that there was a
person who called me coconut.
“feed her and just wait to get paid what we deserve”

With a few hours gone by I was tired of sitting, I could hear them speaking in the
other room. They wanted their money and they were discussing if they’d steal it
or if they’d hold me for ransom. I was just glad Thabo was alive and from what I
heard from the kidnappers, they didn’t plan to kill me. They just wanted their
money, from who? And for what? I didn’t know, but I was about to find out.
The duck tape was pulled off my mouth, I felt my skin burn from how fast it was
pulled. I could hear breathing somewhere around me. The person commanded
me to open my mouth, they were somewhere in front of me. I could hear from
where the command came from. I didn’t open my mouth but instead clenched my
jaws keeping my lips locked together.
There was something being forced into my mouth, when I accidentally tasted it I
realised it was food, it tasted weird like peas in jam. When the next spoon of food
came I opened my mouth, chewing the food feeling the food with my tongue.
There could’ve been glass pieces or rat poison in the food, I was blindfolded and I
wanted to be sure I wasn’t being killed.
A phone rang from somewhere around the place, it was answered.
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“YV have you seen your boy yet?”
The phone was on loud speaker maybe they thought I couldn’t hear them. A
woman spoke, I figured she was on the other end of the call.
Woman: my… what have you done to Thabo!?
“Yvonne calm down. He’s not dead... But if you don’t give us what’s rightfully ours
then you won’t get to see your grandchildren”
Yvonne: you have the girl with you. Fine one million for each of you.
She referred to me as the girl, like “excuse me! I’m married to your son and
carrying your grandchildren the least you could do is know my name.” The
kidnapper laughed at the sound of one million. They wanted money from Yvonne
and attacked Thabo and I, shot him at the risk of him dying I had a feeling one
million wasn’t what they were after.
“Yvonne we’re tired of working for you and your son, thinking you can fool us and
run away with our money! We want Ten fuckin million each!”
The fury I heard in his voice spoke for itself, I wondered what Thabo and Yvonne
did to cause it. They ended the call. They wanted money, I had money, even
though it meant I had to go back home to get it.
Me: ok listen, my father is the owner of a large company and if you let me free I’ll
pay you a million US dollars each, much more than what you want from Yvonne.
“daddys girl, we don’t want your money now stop being a spoilt brat and eat your
food.”
Me: you mean shit. This food is shit. So I suggest you let me go before I shoot
another finger off. Nxx.
“you’ve always had it easy huh? Wothi ngikutshele ke sisi in our world we don’t
give shit about the money daddy got from pulling the trigger on his best friend”
Me: voeseg! Don’t talk about my father like you know him!
I spat the food out and clicked my tongue. I wasn’t going to stand for someone
insulting my father’s legacy.
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“the stories I’ve heard about him you should be embarrassed you came from his
sperm.”
Me: fuck you!
“ he Shot his best friend for a position as CEO, not just him, he killed his whole
family, just to be CEO. Your father is a murderer, so I don’t want daddy’s dirty
money”
Me: Fuck you! Just fuck—

I was gagged again but I kept screaming threw the gag, I wanted to tell them my
father was the most amazing person I was lucky enough to know because without
him I wouldn’t be who I was and I was proud of that. I could hear a TV or radio
playing at maximum volume they were ignored my and my muffled angry
screams. I was hungry again.
Hours had passed when I heard cars leaving, I was half asleep when the engines
started so I was startled, the twins were too, if felt them moving. I was untied and
told to walk. They ended up lifting me up and put me into the car, after a few
minutes of driving the car stopped and I was told to stand still. They tied my arms
again, and my legs.
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Chapter 16
I tried keeping my balance and standing in one position not knowing what
surrounded me.
Me: hello! Can anybody hear me?! Is anybody there?
I felt the blindfold being untied, when it was taken off I saw I was left on the
sidewalk of the road. My hands and legs untied, I turned around to see prettyboy,
for once I was glad to see him.
Me: oh my goodness you found me!
Prettyboy: I found you…

He Seemed to be out of breathe I just wanted to go see Thabo. He held my face
between his hands he was still breathing deeply. He was getting closer to me, I
thought he was fainting or hyperventilating until his lips got closer to mine. He
was trying to kiss me! Within a moment after realising it I pushed him away
almost punching him.
Me: Pretty… Loyiso what the fuck!

I got in the car, sat still in the back. He got in and started the car.
Prettyboy: makaJohnny what happened out there was a… I misinterpreted the

situation.
Me: I just think you thought you could rescue a damsel and I’d be wet from it! Just
drive.
Prettyboy: ok I’ll start the car just don’t tell Thabo about this. Nothing happened
right…
Me: just drive.
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He started the car and drove away, he held the steering wheel with both hands,
for a while I wondered why he had a leather glove on but that thought was
overpowered by excitement of seeing Thabo and fear of finding out what his
condition was in. The car stopped at the hospital, I got off, found out what his
room number was and went there. When I got to the room I stood outside
listening to the monitor beeping. I came in and sat down, I hadn’t raised my eyes
the whole time so I hadn’t realised his eyes were open. He was bandaged all over
his body. He looked at me, tried sitting up but fell back down from pain, turning
his head the other way.
Me: I… You okay?

He took off the breathing mask and took a deep breathe before turning around
looking at me, “I’m alive… ninjani?”
Me: we’re fine… this wasn’t a random attack. Whoever these people are they
wanted their money. Ok. they got it, but I’m wondering what money they
wanted?
Thabo: right now? Ngisesibhedlela I can’t answer your questions.
Me: I just want to know why they’re after you. Are you gambling or doing
something illegal?
Thabo: I wouldn’t bother myself with them. You’re safe and I’m alive go home and
get some rest.
Me: Oh. I was leaving anyway.
There wasn’t a need to be rude, I left a bit pissed off. Every second day I’d go see
Thabo, he was getting better, which was a relief because I couldn’t think of a
telling my children about their father, I wanted him to be there to see their first
steps.
When I got to his room he was walking around the bed. I stood there waiting for
him to notice my presence, until he turned his back against me and I saw his butt
and from between it his thing.
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Me: you know you’re not wearing anything underneath, and I can see everything
including your third leg.
He kissed my belly twice and we kissed, I knew there the kiss was going, I was not
going to do it in hospital! So I pulled away and sat down, almost nodding my
head.
Thabo: it’s yours to see.

He went to sit down on the bed, that was when I noticed my husband’s ass was
juicy! It looked like two peaches and stayed tight. I looked at it, wondering why I
didn’t hold it or squeeze it to feel if it was firm but then again that was weird and
it would start a series of events that would ultimately lead to us being naked on
the hospital bed.
Me: I’m guessing you’re going to be discharged soon then?
Thabo: tomorrow… maybe.
Me: then we can start buying stuff for the babies.
Thabo: I thought you didn’t like shopping.
Me: I don’t. But for the sake of mini-us’s I suck it up and go shopping for them.
Thabo: is there a need for me to be there?
Me: oh no… it’s fine I’ll just go to the mall, fall into labour and give birth in the
bathroom.
Thabo: this is just a suggestion but what if we hire someone to do it for us.
Me: what if we hire someone to have our babies for us and to raise them too.
Thabo: or we can just order the stuff online.
Me: oh. That’s actually smart.
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We sat down and started looking at baby clothes, it was all just becoming real.
Visiting hours were over, when I got to the reception a nurse told me Thabo
wanted to see me again, so I went back to his room. I came in tired from walking
around so much. He was on the bed smoking, I was sure I saw a no smoking sign
somewhere around the hospital.
Thabo: there’s a briefcase in the car. Under the spare tire in the boot, pick up the
carpet and you’ll see a small square storage, in it is the briefcase. Take it out when
you get back home, inside the garage with the doors closed.
Me: why is there a briefcase in the car? Actually why do you always have that
briefcase with you?
Thabo: when you find it just give it to Loyiso don’t tell him where you got it from
and DON’T OPEN IT.
I don’t know why he was so serious, but I made sure I left him smiling when I
hugged him and kissed him on his cheek.
I couldn’t wait to take out the briefcase, I did just like the way he said I should,
took our the wheel, lifted the carpet and the square storage and there it was, the
briefcase I didn’t know I’d been driving around with all along. From the garage I
took it inside for Loyiso to take. I was glad he didn’t come to the new house and I
was hoping he didn’t have a key. Then curiosity made me wonder what was
inside. I was opening it, just taking a sneak peek at it.
“MakaJohn nnoJohnessa”
I jumped, dropping the briefcase which was almost already open to the floor.
Loyiso: wenzani?
Me: I’m just cle—

I turned over to look at the briefcase, all I saw was a shock. The briefcase had
money it, by the looks of it could have been tons of grouped money. Each group
looked like it had about R100k, I knew money that well. As we got the restacking
it the money, there were 25 to 30 groups. What would Thabo do with R3 million?
Was he going to pay for a hospital nurse to discharge him.
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Me: what’s this money for?
Loyiso: I was given an instruction to take the briefcase from you and pass it on
without opening it.
Me: Who are you giving it to?
Loyiso: Coconut, that isn’t your problem.

If he wasn’t going to tell me then I was going to dig for the truth until I find it.
Me: How did you get in? Do you have a key?

He held it out, I nodded my head knowing I was going to change the locks. I don’t
know why Thabo didn’t realise it was weird to allow his friend access to the
house. After he called me coconut I couldn’t wait for him to leave but he was
walking around the house admiring it, which annoyed the hell out of me. He
eventually left.
The next day Thabo was being discharged from hospital. I was there to pick him
up. I started the car and we left.
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Chapter 17
This morning might be the one I’d never forget, it was late in the morning close to
brunch time, when we decided to go buy baby beds since I didn’t trust the ones I
saw online. Thabo and I were ready until I remembered I hadn’t combed my hair. I
was looking for a comb to comb my hair since it had grown into a little mini afro
and I was too lazy to go to a barber. I had checked the bathroom and almost
everywhere I could think of. I checked the drawers, I didn’t open those much
especially Thabo's one, I thought I’d find something unexpected like a Speedo but
instead I found an envelope. I sat down before I took the paper out of the
envelope. They were DNA tests between Thabo and my children.
Thabo: are you… oh [clears throat] that… I just wanted to be sure.
Me: but I told you it was yours why do you even think for a second I’d lie to you.
Thabo: I—just—wanted—to—be—sure.
Me: no you didn’t trust what I said, I’m their mother and a mother knows. She
knows who the father of her children is.
Thabo: Zweli came in here, demanded for his child and you expect me to not have
doubts?
Me: you should have trusted me!
Thabo: my wife was sleeping with another man! I can’t just forget that and trust
you.
He held onto his wound, we were screaming and shouting at each other and
doctor said to not stress Thabo. There was silence, we had never really spoken
about it, it had become an unresolved issue in the marriage.
Me: if the results came back and they said you weren’t the father then what?
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Thabo: (shrugged his shoulders) maybe that would’ve been the end.
He walked out and soon I heard the car leaving. I looked at the DNA test now
knowing how that single paper determined if I was going to be a single mother
working as a receptionist for Zikhali weapons or if I could build a family. I wanted
to tear those papers apart but I put them into the envelope and back into the
drawer. I went for a drive, I didn’t know where to. I didn’t know where Thabo was
but I needed my fresh air, it felt like the only thing that could intoxicate like a
good bottle of tequila.
I drove around the city and stopped near the shore to look at the waves. Maybe
hours passed but when I got back to the house I knew I was far past my pregnancy
bedtime. I had collected my thoughts and was way too tired to go around the city.
As I drove into the garage, the car lights showed Thabo's car, the bumper was off
and it had dents all over. I didn’t even close the garage. I got out of the car and
went to check his car, there were beer bottles in the car.
I rushed inside to find Thabo sleeping on the sofa, he smelled of beer. I didn’t
bother waking him up, it was windy so I got a pullover blanket and covered him
with it, I was going to sleep alone, it felt like I wasn’t even awake as I walked to
the bedroom, it was proven when my pinkie toe hit the corner of the table, I
swore at the table, forgetting Thabo was going to wake up if I did.
“Nhlalo”
I was tired and I wanted to sleep, I thought we’d talk it over the next morning but
I woke him up, there wasn’t any way to get around it.
Me: what happened to the car? You’re here, the car is here and you’re drunk!
Thabo: not that drunk.
Me: you can’t even stand.
Thabo: but I got here safely so I don’t get what the problem is.
Me: the problem is that we’re a few weeks from having kids and I worry that their
father isn’t going to come back because he was drunk driving and he lost his grip
then you… I don’t want to be a single parent.
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I was a blink away from crying, he got closer to me wiping the tears before they
fell.
Thabo: and you won’t be. I drove carefully and I wasn’t that drunk. I swear it was
only one bottle.
I reached into his pocket and took out the slip from the bar.
Me: then how is your bill R3 845?!
Thabo: ok, I’m drunk! Just like you when you were high. But you don’t see me
sleeping with someone!
I pushed him away from me, before I swore at him almost breaking into tears. I
wasn’t thinking straight that night with Zweli, it felt unfair to be punished for a
night I couldn’t even remember. He walked away going up the steps, I knew we
weren’t going to sleep in the same room that night, he got on the first step just
fine but on the third step he nearly fell. I helped him up the steps, it wasn’t
appreciated because he kept on telling me he could do it on his own. I stood
outside the room, he went to sleep and I took the car keys and went to Mrs Van
Der Graaf, it wasn’t office hours but I needed to talk to her.
I found out where she lived in a few minutes, I was standing outside her door,
knocking like a lunatic. She opened the door with only a towel around her.
Mrs Van Der Graaf: Nhlalo! A… pleasant surprise, come in.
I went in she went into a room and came out wearing a gown.
Mrs Van Der Graaf: let’s go to my office.
I followed her upstairs to a room that looked like the one she had at the rehab,
she liked a specific colour. I sat down making myself as comfortable as possible.
Me: I know this might be late but I just needed to talk before I burs—
She stopped and took out a pen from her handbag, she had a lot of pens but that
one must have been her favourite one because in all the sessions she used it.
Me: I just found out my husband doesn’t trust me.
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Mrs Van Der Graaf: what happened to make you think that?
Me: when I found out I was pregnant, there was another man who I might have
slept with and I told my husband it was his because I knew who I had only slept
with him at the time of conception but he didn’t trust my judgement and went
ahead and made a DNA test. Without me knowing!
I didn’t hear what she said next, I was focused on a picture of her and her
husband, they looked so happy, like thy didn’t have any fights.
Me: I mean look at your family and your marriage. Why can’t I have this? Why
can’t we have a this happiness?
Mrs van Der Graaf: my marriage was just beautiful from the outside, George and I
had our share of tears, I couldn’t have children so you and your husband are
lucky. But to gain in a marriage Nhlalo, the first step is to be honest about how
you feel and communication. If your husband was here and he was listening to
you what would you tell him.
I stayed silent thinking of what I’d say.
Me: Thabo, ngyaxolisa. I couldn’t deal with my issues so I resorted to drugs, I was
in so deep, I couldn’t feel anything I wanted to feel again I could’ve done anything
to feel. Now, I don’t want to loose the only person anchoring me to emotions and
you’re right I was an addict and I’m working on it. Thank you for giving me a push
out of the endless tunnel of being an addict.
It felt good speaking what I felt, I realised I wasn’t angry I just didn’t know what to
say to Thabo, communication was important after all. I went back to Thabo's
house and went to sleep, I was tired!
The next morning I woke up and Thabo was next to me, I think his kisses woke me
up. He wasn’t just next to me he was there with me, he had his hand on face, kept
moving his fingers around like he was studying my skin.
Thabo: Nhlalo. I love you.

That one time I didn’t feel uneasy when I heard those words, I smiled and kissed
him, I thought we’d give each other the silent treatment before we actually sat
down and talk it over like always. I repeated the same words I said the night
before to Mrs Graff.
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Me: what if the children were Zweli's? What if you never hit my car? What if you
didn’t find me bleeding to death in the middle of the road? What if Neo didn’t
shoot Denise? Would we still be here?
Thabo: let’s not think of what if's, maybe things happen for a reason… to heal
certain wounds.
Me: I’m interested to know what wounds I’ve healed.
Thabo: this one.

I don’t know why he was so romantic all of a sudden, he placed my hand on his
chest I could feel his heart beating, at first I wasn’t sure what he meant but the
more I thought if it throughout the day the more sense it made. I wondered how
he could feel what he felt if it was truly what he felt. The thought stayed on my
mind all day, even when Thabo and I sat in bed watching TV. I fell asleep before I
could find the right moment to ask him.
The next day I woke up to the smell of bacon. I didn’t laze around in bed like other
days, I went to the kitchen, took the plate full of bacon and went back to bed. A
few minutes later Thabo came in.
Thabo: where’s my bacon?
Me: our children said they were hungry…

Pregnancy made me invincible, I could rob a bank and blame it on being pregnant.
He had something to say but stopped himself.
Thabo: it’s only a few weeks left after that I’ll take your food and eat it.
Me: Doctor Patel’s PA called me, we have to go to a check-up.

After breakfast we left for the check-up. Just a few months before, big baby
bumps made me feel uncomfortable, now I had the biggest one in the room, what
if I tripped and popped, I realised this might have been a side effect of my phobia
of balloons. I hate balloons especially the extremely inflated ones that might
explode in your face.
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Doctor Patel: it all looks good they’re both growing and the heartbeats are
normal, there is less a chance of them being premature, so it’s 12 weeks until
birth.
Me: when will I know? How will I know I’m ready to give birth?
Doctor Patel: In most times there will be extreme pressure, water breaks and
you’ll be in labour.
It all sounded painful.
Me: and I’ll have to push the babies out? Both of them? Can’t you take them out?
Thabo: can be in the room?
Doctor Patel: Yes you are Mr Langa, unless it’s an operation, the c-section are
recommended for complicated births but if the birth is normal you’ll most likely
be able to just push the babies out.
That was our last check-up, the next time we’d come to the hospital was when I
was on a wheelchair ready to give birth.
The countdown started, from 12 weeks to 11 and eventually to 6, in all that time
we were planning it all, buying baby clothes, blankets, painting the babies room
and buying diapers and baby wipes, at some point we’d sit down in the baby
room and just look at it, maybe we both couldn’t believe we’d made life. At 10
weeks left the baby kicks started being visible, I could see them but whenever I’d
show Thabo he’d say he didn’t feel or see them and it drove me crazy to the point
where I’d follow him around the house just to let him see the kicks. When I say
kicks I mean kicks, it wasn’t just one foot there were sometimes 2 or 3 feet all at
once. I could even see the heads but whenever Thabo was around they didn’t like
moving, I guess.
The rooms were white, it was decided after pink was too girly and blue was a
boy’s colour, since we couldn’t decide on which colour to choose the same thing
happened with clothes and furniture white seemed like the only solution. The
rooms had stars painted on the ceiling, cute animal pictures and a few toys, it was
all our euphoria and compassion put into two rooms for the twins to receive.
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It was afternoon I remember because the smoke from a Padron cigar rose to the
bedroom window, I don’t know why Thabo carried on smoking, the babies and I
got the same air as him. I didn’t appreciate it being cigar smoke. I closed the
window and carried in reading about birth and the dangers of it by then I had
read about different ways to give birth besides the C-section (which wasn’t
recommended) I couldn’t find a way that wouldn’t tear my vagina apart, the
thought of it had me cringing. I had to go to the bathroom again, this might have
been the most annoying part of pregnancy, going to the bathroom just to release
a few drops. I took a shower afterwards, it felt good to have hot water running
down my swollen foot.
I came out of the bathroom with a towel around me. I couldn’t bend so Thabo
took the responsibility to moisturize my legs, sometimes gave me a massage too,
he was still outside smoking.
The door opened, Thabo came in widening his eyes at the sight of me naked, I
always had a towel around me when he moisturized my foot.
Thabo: I forgot how sexy you look naked.
Me: so the baby bump turns you on? Suk'dlala ngami.
Thabo: I swear I’m so turned on right now.
Me: does this turn you on?

I pushed out my belly and started rubbing it, knowing he’d get the joke.
Thabo: that’s the juiciest baby bump I’ve ever seen.

We came closer to each other and met in the middle, we held hands and started
kissing… It felt weird, we were both bare on the bed, my bump was between us, I
couldn’t, not notice how big my breasts had gotten. We were both confused with
what we were trying to do, the big belly between us made it undoable.
Thabo: what if they can see? They have eyes. I don’t want the first thing they see
to be my yunno…
Me: it does feel… weird.
264
We laughed it off, I wore my gown and went outside and sat on the bench while
staring at the pool water. Being pregnant made my life mediocre, I couldn’t drink,
smoke and after what had just happened I realised sex wasn’t an option too. I sat
outside day dreaming of the night when I’d have wine, gin and all the whiskey in
the world and I’d have all the oily, unhealthy junk food all next to me and a
cigarette lit for me in our bedroom how I’d drink and smoke in lingerie with Thabo
laying in bed waiting for me. I realise my day dreams were getting worse my the
day but missed some things.
Thuli: Nhlalo… someone’s here to see you.

She stood all awkward, I was already standing up waiting to give Muzi a bro hug,
Thuli moved aside and detective Xhogo and two other policemen appeared. My
gut feeling just told me it was Muzi and he finally remembered his sister or maybe
it was one of mini-me kicking the hell out of my womb. Xhogo and the other
officers were coming to me, I sat back down and sighed.
Me: not today Detective.
She held both my hands and I was cuffed, before I could react she said her
comeback.
Detective Xhogo: yes today, Mrs Langa you’re under arrest for the murder of
Zwelihle Zikalala.
Me: Wha… I don’t know what you’re talking about!
Detective Xhogo: everything you say can and will be used against you in the court
of law, if you don’t have an attorney then the state will provide you with one…
Zwelihle Zikalala, that bastard was coming to cause trouble even after his death.
With my hands cuffed I walked back inside, I could hear Thabo walking down the
steps.
Thabo: why is my wife being taken into a police van?
Detective Xhogo: every dog has its day…Mr Langa.

As the car drove away I could hear Thabo cussing and screaming.
265
I was put in a jail cell with 4 other people, the cell was small and it smelt bad, so
of course I’d be nauseous. There was a girl sitting in the other side of the room,
she was staring at my belly. I thought I should start a conversation.
Me: I was going to buy baby cribs today. What are in here for?
Her: I also had a baby.
Me: that’s not a crime.
Her: I didn’t want a baby.
Me: mmm. Still not a crime.
Her: she’s dead now.

She held her hands up and stared intensely, this is why I never tried to small talk
again, I turned around feeling disgusted by what she did, I thought every mother
cared for her child, well I thought wrong. I couldn’t sleep a wink that night, I
couldn’t stop thinking, she might do something to me if I fell asleep, the infant
murderer and the hobo who slept on the sponge next to me.
One night in jail was enough for my liking, the infant murderer was taken to
prison after being found guilty for murder. I was a little less worried for my babies
after that. A cop came to tell me I had a visitor, but took me to another the cell, I
thought visitors stood outside the cell and spoke there. The officer took me to an
empty room with a table and chairs on opposite sides of the table. I had my guard
up expecting anything maybe even a Zikalala hitman with a gun. I sat on the chair
and waited, while I thoroughly scanned the place. Thabo came in and gave the
officer money, I didn’t know my husband could be a rule breaker. He sat across
down across me, the officer was looking at us so it felt awkward, I rather held his
hands than kissed him.
Me: how was one night without me?
Thabo: a lot like the past two months.
Me: mxm, you missed me.
Thabo: I did, you fine though? How’s the prison food?
266
Me: the food is better than your fried pickles, the funniest… well… not really
funny but weirdest thing happened…
I told him about the infant killer, he didn’t seem to find it funny, he gave a fake
laugh, he signalled the officer to leave.
Me: so what went wrong? How’d you rid of his body? Why am I still here?
Thabo: the pro's cleaned the scene, his body was burnt to ashes. On the day he
died did he call you?
Me: yea, time and time again… oh… so they have no solid evidence?
Thabo: let’s hope so. Ok, lalela this our story…

He had even thought of a story, he knew what he was doing I could tell from the
adamance in his eyes. The story had no holes, I would believe it myself if I didn’t
know the truth. Jail had me starved from junk food, I yearned for cream cheese
and lemon sponge cake.
He kissed me before he left, I was cuffed and taken to the interrogation room.
There were two people sitting across me, one of which being Detective Xhogo.
Detective Xhogo: this is detective Ngxito.
Detective Ngxito: when was the last time you saw Zwelihle?
Detective Xhogo: mxm, usambuza! Nhlalo we both know you killed Zwelihle… Talk
damnit!
Me: I don’t see a lawyer next to me, so I won’t answer both of you.
Detective: Xhogo, I’d like to talk to you in private.

They left the room, while I sat there knowing I murdered Zweli and it was catching
up to me. Xhogo came back alone.
Detective Xhogo: Nhlalo… do you know the Zikalala’s? Notorious taxi boss family
and if someone here happens to tell one of the Zikalala’s that you’ve been
arrested for their sons murder you won’t even make it to court, so I suggest you
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talk now and maybe. Just maybe if you tell us the truth, then you’ll get all the
protection you need when you’re in prison because that’s one place you’re going.
I clicked my tongue and looked away, Xhogo was trying to play bad cop and she
was bad at it. The only thing the Zikalala’s could do was have drama and nothing
else. Xhogo took me back to my jail cell.
Xhogo: this jail cell is the only thing stopping you from the wrath of the Zikalala’s.
Me: (laugh) you must think I’m a fool, since when did prison protect people? I was
stabbed in a jail cell just like this one! And what happened to my one phone call?
Xhogo: it will be provided to you.

I called Thabo, because he knew what he did with Zweli's body and how they
found evidence against me.
“Thabo I need a lawyer”
“Modise on his way and I’m working on it, keep to the story, and just don’t
overstress, you’ll be fine love”
“I’ll be calm or at least try my best to… Thabo… Their kicking again”
Xhogo ended the call and I was taken back to my cell. I sat down and thinking
hard trying to recalled that day Zweli died, he had a gun to my head and when I
tried to protect myself I end up in jail, ironic.
I was told my lawyer was there to see me, I assumed he was the Mr Modise
Thabo was talking about. He shook my hand and sat down across the table,
opened his book and picked up his pen.
Him: I’ll be your lawyer, Mr Modise.
Me: so how bad is it?
Mr Modise: your first hearing is next week and if yo—
Me: so soon!
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Mr Modise: the Zikalala’s are pushing for a faster process. I’m your lawyer I need
you to tell me what happened. Everything. The whole truth.
I wasn’t sure what he meant by the whole truth but I was going to tell him the
truth I wanted him to know.
Me: the last time I saw Zweli was the day I found out I was pregnant, he was high,
Zweli was always high. He thought the child was his and was angry when I told
him it wasn’t he got angry and left. That was the last time I saw him.
Mr Modise: why is it that your fingerprints were found in his apartment?
Me: so I’m in fucking prison because my fingerprints were found at Zweli’s

apartment! I lived there a few months ago.
I got annoyed because I had to be a prisoner just because of fingerprints.
Mr Modise: so you did go there?
Me: I did. Zweli and I used to get high together, he was my drug supplier and I was
at his house a few days before and I probably touched around the place.
Mr Modise: one of his last phone locations was your house.
Me: he came over to try convince himself it was his child, I told him it wasn’t and
he left. He had family issues I don’t think his family was paying for his drug
addiction anymore, I think he was in debt and that’s why they killed him.
Mr Modise: we’ll see what the judge will say. Your bail hearing is in three weeks.
You’ll be Pollsmoor prison after the first trial. But until then I’ll see you tomorrow
in court. Stick to this story until the trial, don’t change anything. We both know
it’s not the truth but I’m the man that helps criminals get away with murder.
He called me a criminal, when the bigger criminal was the one helping other
criminals run free.
Me: wait, but is that it? After one hearing one fat judge will decide my future!?
That’s a bit unfair to my children, they can’t be born in prison.
“I’m one of the best. Afternoon Mrs Langa” he stood up and left, him telling me
he was the best didn’t comfort me at all, I was going to prison and there was
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going to be trial after trial. My children were not going to be born in a prison cell!
If push comes to shove I was even going to escape, start a new life somewhere
and be happy with my babies and Thabo. That thought got the stress out of me, I
could just see us walking on the beachside holding hands, eventually I imagined
the twins had grown into toddlers and they could walk, I always wanted a dog I’d
call it Oreo, my imagination ran loose and eventually it was Thabo, our toddler
twins, mama and baba, Lethu and Muzi, and Oreo. I didn’t want reality to deal
with my reality for the night. For that one night I forgot I was sleeping in a jail cell.
The next day came and I felt the nerves. I got to court, Thabo was sitting behind
me. On the other side was the Zikalala filling the seats to their capacity. The
proceedings began, the police had their facts solid, they were sure I did it and the
evidence didn’t say otherwise. They had my fingerprints at his apartment but Mr
Modise, raised the point that I used to live there a few months back. The state
wasn’t going to back down that easily, they had one of our neighbours come
testify on hearing a weird sound that day, they brought up DNA results from a cup
that matched mine, and it proved I was at the apartment closer to Zweli's death. I
wasn’t sure I was going to get away with it. When the fact of Zweli's mother being
killed by me was brought up I couldn’t keep quiet, I burst from my chair violently
explaining the circumstances I was in that day. When I sat back down I looked to
the other side where the look of vengeance was seen threw all the Zikalala’s. I
knew the look best, sometimes I still see it in myself when I look in the mirror.
Mr Modise asked for time to review the evidence, he was given 3 weeks. This
meant I had to go to prison until the bail hearing. The judge concluded I was to be
sent to prison while I waited for the next trial. I swear I clicked my tongue at that
moment, jail cells were bad but prison was worse, I assumed. Mr Modise tried
pleading saying I was pregnant but the judge saw it as an excuse. I was cuffed
again and after a few hours I was wearing navy uniform in a bus going to prison.
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Chapter 18
Prison looked exactly how I imagined it. Tall walls with guards holding guns
walking around the top passages. It was only for three weeks, how bad could it
get.
I was in navy uniform with my inmate number on it. I had another pair of clothes
and toiletries when I walked into prison. The inmates looked at me like they
wanted to devour me whole. I couldn’t believe I was going from a rehabilitation
centre to prison and they look very different.
“Thereese!”
When I heard that name I just knew it, Thereese that bloody stabber, she started
laughing, I could just hear her without looking, she was making dirty comments to
the newbies. I just thought of nearly dying from her stabbing me.
Thereese: Van Damme en Van Dammetjie. Now you tell me, is the baby mine!?
She nearly touched my babies, I pushed her filthy hands away and carried on
walking. A woman stood next to me, pushed me aside from the line of inmates,
another stood in front of me, another behind. Thereese filled the last space.
Thereese: this is my territory and I won’t be disrespected by a pipi.

She snatched the toiletries and clothes from my hand and threw them the
ground, she was trying to intimidate or anger me but I kept my head high and
looked Thereese straight in the eyes The last thing I wanted was a fight, and
especially with a person who never respected a fist fight.
Voice: step away from the newbie before I put you dogs in isolation again.
It was a man, wearing the guards uniform, so of course I assumed he was one. He
picked up my uniform and toiletries for me and I carried on walking in the line of
newbies. I got a room with a 10 bunk beds I was given the bottom bed of the bed
in the far left corner. The wall was dirty, drawn and stained with blood too. The
guard left my clothes next to me and continued to introduce himself to everybody
else in the room as the Warden, Simon Dlamini. He said a long speech where he
basically insulted almost everybody before leaving.
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A day had passed and I was closer to my bail hearing, I just hoped I wouldn’t go
into labour while I was still in prison. The night passed, I couldn’t sleep a wink, I
got so used to sleeping in a room with scented candle and light lullabies playing,
in that room there was prison lights constantly flashing and someone was snoring
while another person was speaking in their sleep reliving how she stabbed her
boyfriend.
By morning everyone had left for breakfast, that was when I actually got to sleep.
“33492” the last thing I thought I’d dream about was maths. I hated that subject.
When I heard it again I realised I wasn’t dreaming. I opened my eyes and the
warden was standing in front of me with a plate. I wasn’t about to wash dishes in
my condition. He handed it to me and I realised it was a plate of food. He stood
still and gave a command, “eat.” I found the special treatment a but fishy, but not
as fishy as the fish on my plate. The smell of it had me sick.
Thereese: Simon, your career won’t survive another rape allegation.

Simon clicked his tongue and left, Thereese came in, and pushed the plate of food
off my lap to the floor and left. I was glad she did, I wasn’t looking forward to
eating the food anyways. I got back into bed and started drawing in the wall with
the spoon.
Guard: There’s someone here to see you.

The only person that would come to see me was Thabo I didn’t even ask who it
was. He might tell me why I was arrested since he cleaned up the scene. The navy
uniform didn’t suit me much and not having a shower privately really got to my
nerves and my hair was a bird’s nest, I was cuffed and taken to the visitors room,
it was a group of stations where the prisoner could speak with the visitor. My
station was the last one, as I walked there the first thing I saw was a gun pointing
threw the glass, a leather jacket, and when I saw his face, the man stood up and
walked away leaving a note on table. I didn’t even read it but I knew The Zikalala’s
were after me. With only 6 weeks of pregnancy left I wasn’t going to loose my
babies. Thereese nor the Zikalala’s could deprive me of holding my babies hands. I
had one free call per week and my bail hearing was in 3 weeks, I had to make it
threw the next 3 weeks. I called Thabo but he didn’t answer, I called Gert instead
the phone was ringing when it was pushed out of my hand.
Thereese: one phonecall, now move! I have to call myzuzu.
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If I could take off my womb for just ten minutes I would’ve dealt with Thereese.
I went back to my bed I spent an hour shaping my toothbrush into a knife, by

rubbing it against the wall, with Thereese there and or any of the prisoners
working with the Zikalala’s I had to make sure I was safe. I felt safe with a weapon
under my pillow and I went to sleep more comfortably, except for the babies
kicking, the pressure, footache and sore breasts.
Thereese, she was holding a phone out to me it was ringing, I though: she is not
about to attempt to stick that up my… I cringed and gripped my toothbrush.
Thereese: just take the fuc— the phone.

Thereese and The Zikalala’s were two small problems I could deal with, but
Thereese working with the Zikalala’s was one big problem. I took the phone and
answered it, waiting for Khuzeni to talk.
Voice: you fine?

Thabo, I had never been that relieved to hear his voice, Thereese left the room to
smoke.
Me: I’m good.
Thabo: Teresa will look out for you while you’re there.
Me: Thabo… I’m afraid. I’m afraid of everything and anything that might happen
to us. 3 weeks is a long time, what if I don’t get the bail and you’ll raise the babies
alone, imagine having to tell them their mother’s in prison.
Thabo: don’t cry.

I almost cried by held back the tears to prove I wasn’t crying.
Me: I’m not crying.
Thabo: don’t stress yourself so much. We don’t have any names yet. And 6 weeks
is just around the corner.
Me: I actually haven’t thought of that. Have you bought the cribs?
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Thabo: in 3 weeks time my wife will be released and we’ll do it together.

We tried deciding on names but got nowhere, I didn’t want my children’s names
to be randomly picked, I wanted their names to express what I felt for the first
time when I hold them. The battery of the phone died, until then I felt safe and
the fuzzy feeling inside grew when we talked about baby names.
Me: Teresa! here’s your phone.

Thereese came in looking pissed, chewing a match stick.
Teresa: in here you call me Thereese or else I’ll forget you’re Langa’s wife.
I didn’t know what deal Thabo had with Thereese but as long as I was safe I was
fine with it.
Me: what did Thabo promise you for looking out for me?
Thereese: he promised me a second chance in court or else I wouldn’t be here.

Simon came in with two guards following him, the guards were pushing large
packages of pads and tampons. Simon looked at me squinting his eyes he was
saying something to Thereese I just didn’t get it.
Thereese: she’s Langa’s vrou.
Simon: oh. I nearly got myself in shit back there.

He nodded his head and left, a few seconds after that there was a long line
outside I went to see what it was for but it was Thereese selling them pads and
tampons, I though they got them for free.
A woman came to Thereese just begging her for one, she said she didn’t have
money but she needed the stuff she whispered something to Thereese. Thereese
told me to give the pads and tampons out for R50 a pack of tampons and the pads
for R20. She and the woman went inside to the bed behind the door, I couldn’t
see them but I couldn’t hear their moans and groans. I wished I could have moved
away but I was standing there collecting R50's for a pack of tampons. Minutes
later there was only a few packs left and the line was still so long. The woman
came out of the room with a pack of tampons thanking Thereese. Thereese was
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leaning next to the door with her shirt untied showing her sports bra, I didn’t look
for long but she had abs for days.
Me: sies man. Don’t touch me with those hands.
Thereese: chill! I wasn’t using my hands. If you know what I mean.

She stuck her tongue out and moved it around. Disgusted I rolled my eyes and
went to sit down.
Before long I saw an inmate who opened the tampon and out came a small pill, I
could recognise that pill even from a far. There it was, the first trigger I had since
rehab. Thereese was giving the prisoners pills, she handed them out inside
tampons and pads. I cleared my throat reminding myself of how I didn’t want that
life anymore. The fear of not being in control overcame urge. I didn’t want to
relapse and have to go back to rehab. I left the our block and went to get myself
fresh air. Which seemed to be something that didn’t exist in the prison because I
was always around someone who was smoking or some sort of Brawl happening. I
finally found the perfect spot to stand, that was when somebody pushed me from
behind, somehow my reflexes kicked in and I didn’t fall.
Her: I hear you’re the East side head's wife. Langa Se vrou.
Me: east side?
Her: don’t act like you don’t know that you’re standing on the Daniels side!
She was walking closer to me, I never back down so I walked to her, we were
chest for chest I pulled out the toothbrush hiding it from the guards by slipping it
between myself and the uniform, I pressed the toothbrush on her neck pressing it
harder. She was shocked.
Me: Daniels… go ahead push me again and I’ll be the last face you see.
Her: Nie vrou, I think I made easy mistake.
Me: now answer my question who’s territory does this belong to?
Her: East side!
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She walked away, I carried on getting myself fresh air.
Thereese: Nhlalo, I knew you were a jailbird.

She said while giving me a broshake.
Me: who’s Daniels?
Thereese: you see that stuff I was selling? Were on the East side when it comes to
selling these things, and Daniels is the West side.
Me: where you get the drugs from?
Thereese: classified information.
Me: how much do make again?
Thereese: are you thinking of selling these!? Nee! I’m not saying, the head would
chew me alive if I get you into this.
Me: why is he called the head again, I know his head is a bit big but that’s just an
insult.
Thereese: it’s because of the head, it’s not just a bit big it’s big!... no wonder he
can think of all these things.
Me: what things?
Thereese: things? I said things? I mean keeping you under my watchful eye,
you’re just like a wounded bird.
Me: yey. Pregnancy is not a joke and I’m not wounded I’m probably stronger than
before. You’d know if you’ve had your own.
Thereese: Ek weet.
She lit a cigarette acting as if she was choking when she looked at me she had a
tear falling, she wanted me to think it was the smoke but I knew tears of pain, I
had cried so many.
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Me: it’s fine you don’t have to tell me about it.
Thereese: Ek was a kind! Only 12. Fokk!

She walked away and I went back to our block, I kept thinking what she meant, if
she meant she was too young to have a child or something else. After dinner I
went to sleep while the other prisoners had movie night.
It was afternoon, I remember because of the way I was set on watching the
sunset, couldn’t help but to think if Thabo could see it too, or maybe the prison
Sun was darker, less brighter. That was until Thereese came in and sat on the bed
across me, she threw her cigarette out the door, we looked at each other, she
wanted to say something,
Me: I wonder why you stabbed me.
Thereese: in a prison it’s either you stab or be stabbed. Respect.
Me: you better sleep with one eye open then…
Thereese: I’ll sleep with both eyes closed and a knife next to me… Actually.
She took out a knife and gave it to me.
Me: and then?
Thereese: that’s the knife I stabbed you with if it makes you feel any better I
won’t force anybody into.. you know what I mean.
She meant she wouldn’t force anybody into having sex with her.
Me: I know what you mean and thank you.
Thereese: (while lighting a cigarette) so, does your husband beat you or
something?
Me: Teresa you and I are not friends and I won’t talk about my marriage to any
prisoner.
She laughed, I clicked my tongue, she carried on smoking, I used to smoke like
that once. The few months I hadn’t smoked felt like a lifetime.
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Thereese: but does he get soft with you? All mushy. You know. That type of shit.
Me: Teresa… why are you so interested in knowing in my husband?
Thereese: him and I go a long way.

I mean Thereese was a hard-shell but she was beautiful, even if she tried to hide it
under the durag, Thabo and Thereese. I couldn’t imagine it.
Thereese: nee! Nee. Relax! I only slept with him 3 times, he used to change his
girls like a true player that one. Until…
Wow! I thought she was joking with me, as if knowing she slept with him thrice
would make me feel better. From my knowledge if you sleep with a person for
more than one time there must be some sort of emotional attachment because it
was no longer just a one night stand. Thereese stopped herself from saying
something, I wanted to know more.
Me: until? Denise?
Thereese: (laugh) she was called Nomalanga. You kind of look like her…
Nomalanga was Thabo's first love, Thereese talked about how close they were,
tears had formed in my eyes from jealousy. When I asked what happened
Thereese said she died from abuse by a boyfriend, she didn’t say if the boyfriend
was Thabo or not. I sat on the bed, confused and almost angry that I didn’t know
about her. I took the phone and called Thabo, telling him to come and see me
urgently. Within an hour he was there. We met in the same room as before, he
opened the door for me and tried to hug me. I walked in, sat down and tried to
keep a straight face and not showing anger.
Thabo: are you fine? Is it the babies? Are you in labour?
Me: Teresa told me that you and her used to get it on.
Thabo: oh, we were young back then, don’t worry about it I know how jealous
you get.
He held my hand trying to make me smile.
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“Nomalanga” when her name came from my mouth Thabo went silent, if he could
he’d go pale. He stood up and started pacing around the room. I couldn’t tell if he
was distraught or angry, he formed a fist then I knew it was anger.
Thabo: And Teresa told you about her?
Me: who is she?

He stayed silent for a while before answering, “she’s just another grave in the
cemetery.” I wanted him to talk to me, tell me the truth no matter how brutal it
would be. I stood up to be level with Thabo, that was when it made sense.
Me: do you really mean it when you say you love me? Or am I just her
replacement?
He didn’t answer, I had my answer. With just a few weeks left of my pregnancy, I
took off the ring and left it on the table. I wasn’t going to compete with
Nomalanga's memories and I wasn’t going to try fit into her space. All I wanted
was to get out of prison and move away with my babies. My lawyer Mr Modise
showed up and we spoke about the bail hearing, it looked like I was going to get
bail, the odds were in my favour. I found out besides the phone calls, the police
also got an anonymous tip. I wasn’t sure who would tip the police and the longer I
thought of it the more difficult it became to figure out.
After I met with Mr Modise I went back to the prison cell. When I got there I sat
down and I saw Thereese, I turned around trying not to look frightened. She had a
blue eye, swollen lips and a serious nosebleed. She wiped the blood off her nose
before calling me, “ekse! Piesang”
Me: they finally learnt to beat up their leader!

I laughed thinking of how hilarious I was in my head. My babies would be so lucky
to get my humour. Things quickly changed when Thereese pulled me from the
bed, holding the uniform by the collar and pushing me against the wall.
Thereese: what did you do!
Me: Thereese. I swear if you push me one more time, you’ll regret it.
She held my uniform tighter before looking at me and letting go afterwards
kicking the bed.
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Thereese: you listen here. You’ll go back to your husband and tell him to give me
what I paid for.
Me: you will not tell me what to do.
Thereese: listen here girly I won’t be dragged because of your loose mouth.
Me: yeyi! Teresa, I don’t want to deal with your bullshit right now.
Thereese: you see these people! They’re wolves, you know you shouldn’t try
taming wolves, because they bite— hard. These wolves want their sheep and if
they don’t get it we’ll be paying for it.
She left and I heard the sound of a lighter outside the door, soon followed by
smoke. I covered myself with the blanket and went to sleep.
The weeks went by with me waiting for the wolves to strike, Thereese got a
beating everyday and everyday she’d tell me to get the wolves what they want.
When it got really serious, I tried to intervene and when they saw me they
skattered so Thereese tried staying close to me, I wasn’t sure why being the
head’s vrou scared people. If Thabo and I were on speaking terms at that time I
would’ve asked him to” give the wolves what they want.”
I barely took showers, having nearly 10 other people in the same room felt
uncomfortable and knowing that one or maybe even more where in prison for
murder. I waited until everybody was done, I sat on the bench waiting, even
though I felt like a pervert or creep everybody else was naked and I was there just
staring but not with the wrong intentions.
When they were all gone I took off my towel and stood under the shower head
letting the water run down my body, I felt a kick and smiled from how ticklish it
felt. At that moment I heard footsteps coming in. I slowly walked back to the
bench and wrapped myself with the towel. The footsteps got closer and one of
the prisoners appeared, she didn’t seem to see me. I stood quietly and waited for
her to leave. Instead she got on her knees, I heard the sound of a zip, her hands
reached to grab what I had only then realised to be a penis. I felt disgusted
leading to me vomiting all over the floor. The girl eyed me before quickly standing
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up and leaving, the guard peeked while pulling up his zip, he placed his finger on
his lips and shhh before leaving.
I took off the towel and carried on taking a shower. I couldn’t bend and if it wasn’t
for a mirror I would not have seen my feet from the 6th month. My feet yelled
that they weren’t being taken care of. I heard footsteps again and again I carefully
walked to the bench and wrapped the towels around myself. That time it wasn’t a
guards trying to get lucky with one of the prisoners. Thereese walked in with a
towel around her waist and a sports bra on, she had tattoo’s all over and she
wore them proud when she walked in flaunting her abs.
Thereese: piesang.
Me: Teresa. My feet feel sore.

I tried to rudely command her to massage them, not because I was actually rude
but because that was the way she spoke to me and I was returning the favour.
She held my foot massaging it softly, she had great technique. I thought she didn’t
like taking my commands but she, without even asking started massaging my
shoulders.
Me: you’re not planning to stab me behind my back again?
Thereese: chill, I worked in a boutique for 8 months, I know what I’m doing.
Me: why are you in prison anyways?
Thereese: right now? Possession of drugs, but 4 years ago I was in for helping a
kid out of a car with a drunk driver, judge called it a kidnapping.
Me: I have this feeling the judge was wrong.
Thereese: the judge says I did, and who can go against that?
Me: so you aren’t as hard as you make yourself to be. I thought you were arrested
for gang robberies and hijacking.
Thereese: piesang, if there’s one thing you should know about prison… it’s a
jungle, I made the choice to become a predator.
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Me: I think being neither is just fine too…
Things were getting weird, personal and wrinkled fingers made me feel creeped
out. I dried myself before and wrapped my towel around me, I was glad that was
the last day I would wear the navy uniform. I was confident I was going to get bail
and not be charged, I did nothing wrong but protect myself. “piesang.” I turned
around, Thereese was standing right behind me, I was shocked as a reflex moved
back against the wall. She got closer, I closed my eyes preparing myself to fight
back when she threw a fist or stab me again, instead, I felt something soft on my
lips, I opened my eyes and she was right in front of me and had her hands sliding
up to my neck, our lips interlocked, for that one moment I kissed her. I pushed her
away. “what the fuck!” she hadn’t noticed I was angry so she gave a muffled grin
before looking at me from top to bottom and wishing me good luck and saying
she’ll call me. I needed the luck, I knew she caught me off guard and I wasn’t
supposed to kiss her back, it felt like I cheated on my babies. I sat down and hit
my head against the wall before brushing my belly feeling surprised how I could
feel a head.
Me: I did a bad thing, I don’t know if you can see this or feel it. I’m not even sure
you can hear me. But I did a really bad thing (sigh) Never be vulnerable or else
things like this will happen.
I felt a kick and smiled, I was counting down days until I got to hold their tiny
precious fingers. I moisturized myself, wore actual clothes that Thabo sent to me
the day before and got on the bus to court. I kept getting uncomfortable spasms
but I thought it was the guilt eating me up.
From a distance I saw journalists standing with their cameras waiting to snap a
shot of the drama, It made me wonder if Muzi or Mkhulu would see the paper
and remember I was still alive. The guards suggested I hide my face but I refused. I
wasn’t going to hide in fear, I knew what the court decided was the only thing
that could judge me and one bad shot on the front-page of a newspaper and a
poorly written article didn’t scare me.
I got inside and Thabo sat behind me, I hadn’t really thought of what I was going
to do if I got bail. It was probably the best time for me to take what’s left of my
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R75 000 and leave. The only problem was, I was too pregnant to fly back home
and I wasn’t going to take the risk of taking a bus.
I stood in front of the judge with my hands cuffed and Mr Modise next to me, he
looked prepared, I just hoped I didn’t do anything stupid to decrease my chances
of being innocent. Mr Modise was prepared and made it clear I was innocent even
if I wasn’t. I needed to be innocent because I was close to giving birth, I tried to
keep that fact out of my mind. The argument was tough, I saw Mr Modise
sweating and it wasn’t even a hot day.
The judge leant into the mic and slowly uttered, “bail application of the accused
has been accepted. The next hearing will be in 2 weeks.” I needed more than 2
weeks, I needed 3 weeks at least. I needed time to spend with my babies. Not
knowing if I would be found guilty or not was distasteful to the joyous moment.
The handcuffs were taken off my hands and I left the court a free citizen for two
weeks, but bail needed to be paid first.
A day passed and bail was paid by Thabo. I was happy I was getting out of that
place, I was surprised by how engulfed I was in myself and how I didn’t get into a
fight trying to solve something. I was overjoyed, Teresa and I spoke the whole
night, I couldn’t believe I had formed a friendship with the person who tried to kill
me, I had forgiveness in me after all. Thereese was really trying to be a tough
rough jailbird when she just got stuck in the wrong place and she adjusted, I
didn’t blame her for who she had turned into.
I was released and as I walked out I saw Thabo's car coming my direction. I was
walking back to his house, I was angry, no mad, I thought we had a good thing
going but I was just wasting my time being a replacement. Thabo drove next to
me yet I carried on walking.
Thabo: sorry I’m late but you don’t have to be upset.
Me: I’m not upset and I don’t know who you came here to fetch but it isn’t me.
Thabo: is this about Malanga?
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Me: you even have a shortened name for her, what else did you call her? The
apple of your eye? I don’t want to invest myself in something that’s going
anywhere.
Thabo: but it’s funny how I didn’t ask you to marry me. You married me by
choice.
Me: oh. You know what… you can come visit the twins on weekends, we’ll sort
the divorce papers after I give birth.
Thabo: Nhlalo, please, get in the car.

I carried on walking, ignoring how painful every step was. He drove the car into
the driveway and stopped right in front of me before getting out of the car. He
thought he was smart, but I made easy U-turn and walked away. He was in front
of me in seconds.
Thabo: That came out wrong, I didn’t mean it like that.
Me: what do you mean then? Every time we seem to have a problem you just
blame me for marrying you! I’m just going to spare you the difficulty and go far
away before I make your life a living hell.
Thabo: you know the first time I saw you… it was something about you. You sat at
the back of that hall. I was stunned, I tried to small talk but you seemed so deep
into what was happening in the funeral. When I saw you I didn’t, not for a second
compare you to Nomalanga. I admit I have in the past but I didn’t want you to die
from drugs. I will never compare you two again. That day at Lakhiwe's funeral I
saw a woman in black looking beautiful as hell.
I was still walking but with a smile on my face then, I never knew Thabo was at
Lakhiwe's funeral I thought the first time we met was under the street lamps, I
remembered the person at Lakhiwe’s funeral who spoke to me and I never got to
see their face. Submitting wasn’t my plan but I was tired and he was being sweet,
pregnancy made me a nice, forgiving person.
I got in the car without hugging Thabo after he opened his arms wide waiting for
me to do so. He got in and he started the car.
Me: so… what actually happened to Her… Nomalanga?
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Thabo: Nomalanga was just a phase in life.
Me: I need the whole truth or else I’m getting out of this car.
Thabo: when you love someone so much that you feel like you can’t breathe
without them. The anger you have towards yourself for not being able to help her
enough, needle after needle they all left marks of her perfect skin. It was like I
watched her drown.
Braxton, the bruises and burns of trying to achieve perfection ruined her beautiful
skin. I watched her drown in her own insecurities and I didn’t do enough to help
her. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks, Thabo was biting his lips
holding back his tears from forming.
Thabo: Mala… Nomalanga and I were engaged, she somehow got caught in drugs
without me knowing and when I finally noticed it was too late, she’d leave for
days and come back for more money, I couldn’t say no to the— fuck!
He stopped the car and got out, I heard the sound of a lighter before I could ask
what was wrong he got back into the car and carried on driving, but he was going
the wrong way. I recognised the road and it became clear when I saw the Gregory
hotel, I didn’t know why we we’re there but my patience wasn’t going to end. He
gave me a key to a room on the third floor, I couldn’t imagine how I’d pass the
reception after what I did last time. So I went in with Thabo, that didn’t take the
attention off me, I was a pregnant woman in what looked like PJ’s. Thoughts were
going threw my head, thinking of what it was he wanted to show me, why he was
at the hotel the first time I was here? Whatever it was, he was hiding it from me.
He opened the door to the room, I was still detached from what was happening
until I saw a Thuli cooking.
Thabo came in and greeted her. She carried on cooking while I followed Thabo
threw the passage to a bedroom. A small boy sat in a wheelchair in the corner of
the room playing a piano, he was singing unclear words before he saw Thabo and
scram with excitement in his voice, “baba!”
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Chapter 19
He turned with his wheelchair and running up to Thabo. Baba. That would mean
Thabo was his father, it must have been a sick joke. Thabo hugged him afterwards
held his hand and looked at me trying to read my body language, it said nothing, I
stood still somehow feeling I could hear the three heartbeats in my body.
Thabo: he’s all I have left of Nomalanga, Thandolwethu.
Me: that’s his name?

Thabo nodded his head and I looked at Thandolwethu, he was in a wheelchair
with half his legs gone. I remembered how I also had a fake foot and how I was in
hospital trying to decide between life and death. Thuli came in with a dish of food,
Thabo and Thandolwethu ate. Thandolwethu… the name spoke for itself. Every
child was given a name for a reason and maybe Thabo and Nomalanga had
something Thabo and I didn’t have. Thabo and Thandolwethu sat behind the
piano and Thabo played it, I felt left out still standing at the door waiting to be
noticed. I didn’t want to be jealous, I tried not to show it. I tried not to show pity
for Thandolwethu but I wasn’t sure I could hide how I felt from Thabo.
Thabo: Olwethu… this is Nhlalo, my wife and Nhlalo this is Olwethu… my son.
Me: sawubona, Olwethu.

Thandolwethu looked at me and carried in playing but played it louder.
Thandolwethu was a young, maybe 6 years or 7 years old, it was clear he didn’t
want me there, on the side of the bed was a picture of who I assumed to be
Nomalanga, Thandolwethu looked like the spitting into image of her. Thereese
was right I did almost look like her. I walked out of the room feeling the hate
Thandolwethu must’ve had for me.
Me: the boy probably hates me, having another woman replace your mother is
painful.
Thabo: akashongo ukuthi unguNoma—
Me: you might not want to admit it but it’s clear to me you’re trying to replace
Nomalanga.
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Thabo: Nhlalo. You are you and I married you and I’m in love with you.
Me: you married Denise and you’re in love with Nomalanga. I… I can’t. I’m
leaving, not only because of this but also because i… kissed Teresa and I need to
clear my head.
His hands brushed my belly for a moment I had forgotten I was pregnant and
when I saw how huge my baby bump was I freaked out for a second. I was being
selfish, I knew, I felt like it was too much. He nodded his head before giving me
the car keys and the house keys, he said he was going to spend some time with
his son. He had all right to spent time with his son. I took the keys and drove back
to the house with Thuli. She was there to see if I wasn’t going to go into labour. I
was hungry but even more tired.
Rehab thought me one thing and that was to speak, I needed to speak, I made an
appointment with the fox, the fox knew my behaviour more than most people
and I trusted her even though she sometimes took no time to tell me the
problem.
I got to her office which looked exactly the same as the one she had in rehab and
at her house, she was sitting on the chair slowly spinning around drinking tea.
When she saw me she nearly spilt tea on herself.
Mrs van Der Graaf: eina! How are you still pregnant!?
Me: don’t worry I won’t be going into labour anytime soon.

I sat on the couch and made myself comfortable which during my pregnancy
means I was on my back with my feet up. She took out her favourite pen.
Mrs Van Der Graaf: not many patients come see me again after rehab, this must
be big.
Me: (sigh) you know how I told you I was married, well it’s about that.
Mrs Van Der Graaf: what about your marriage? Any problems?
Me: I don’t know how to feel, I found out my husband was trying to replace his ex
fiance with me. She died, I know that feeling of loss and being doubtful because I
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was feeling like I could changed the outcome but the child was just too much. I
want to sympathize with Thabo but damn…
Mrs Van Der Graaf: what makes you think he’s trying to replace his ex fiancé with
you?
Me: well. He has a child with her and when that child just ignored me, it didn’t sit
well. I don’t want to try and fit into another person’s mould in any of their hearts.
Mrs Van Der Graaf: In your vows did you not vow to stay with your husband
threw better and poor.
Me: so I must go back to him and forget he lied to me and just smile. I’ll be
coming back to ask how to deal with depression if I do.
Mrs Van Der Graaf: you’re about to have a child. I think you shouldn’t deprive him
of the joy of holding his child. Is it a girl or a boy?
Me: both, twins and I would want for him to miss the moment, but what about
after that?
Mrs Van Der Graaf: I can’t answer that question for you, you need to ask yourself
if you really want to be with him even with the child.
Me: the child hates me, what should I do about that. I can’t tell him I’m The
woman who took her mother’s place.
Mrs Van Der Graaf: Nhlahalo(she called me that) when you married your husband
you knew he might have baggage and so do you, this baggage between you will
stop you from have something beautiful.
Like that the session was over, while driving I thought what Mrs Van Der Graaf
meant by baggage, a child shouldn’t be called baggage but it made sense, I
started asking myself what my baggage was. The more I thought about it the
more I realised what I’d been holding back from Thabo.
“Thabo! I think I’m in labour!”,

Within 10 minutes he was there with a towel and water.
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Me: fake labour call. We need to talk.

I wanted to put all my baggage on the table as parents we owed this much to the
twins.
Thabo: I finally saw them kick.

I didn’t realise they were kicking again.
Me: my therapist says I have baggage and that’s why this marriage won’t work
out, we both have baggage.
Thabo: I think we should give this one more chance for mini-us.
I stopped listening and took a deep breathe.
Me: when I was 13 my partner committed suicide because there was a video of
me circulating around school, so I think it’s my fault. It is my fault. I thought I’d
moved on from the event but I realise I’m not giving myself enough chances to
pursue a relationship.
That was easy enough to say, what I was going to say next was one thing I didn’t
want to bring up in my mind. He sat across the table giving me all the focus he
could give.
Me: a few months before I met you, after my mother’s funeral I wanted to get
fresh air so I came to South Africa within the first week I was (sigh) kidnapped.
He… did things to me— to all of us there.
He stood up from his seat and hugged me, I buried my face into his chest crying, a
blank spot in my memory filled, I remembered being conscious and Gerald was on
top of me, too weak to fight I tried screaming but he pressed his hand on my face
and carried on.
Thabo: it’s ok to cry and don’t be afraid you’re safe now.
Me: I couldn’t do anything.

I held onto him harder and cried even harder.
Thabo: just tell me the name of the man who sold you and I’ll make sure they
never harm you again.
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I nodded my head disagreeing, I didn’t want to remember his name I wanted it

buried as deep as it could be. Even when I tried to say it I couldn’t. After that I
couldn’t stop crying, Thabo made me small cup of coffee and I think I dozed off
after it.
I woke up the next morning, Thabo wasn’t next to me, I sat in bed thinking of how
I said it all, I didn’t have any more baggage to let go of. Then I realised Thabo
asked me for the name of the man that sold me, I didn’t tell him I was sold, I sat in
bed thinking about it and the only person I had ever told that to was Mrs Van Der
Graaf, then I figured it out. I got out of bed, quickly took a shower and left
without breakfast to go to Mrs Van Der Graaf's office.
I got there she was drinking a cup of tea, she looked surprised to see me.
Mrs Van Der Graaf: you’re back! I thought we work with appointments, if you
make one then we’ll talk.
I kept looking around, my gut feeling told me there was something in the room
and Thabo could see me.
Me: no. I really need to talk.

I took my phone and sent her a message.
“I know he’s watching me. Where’s the camera”
She looked at me surprised, there was a silence. I sent her another message.
“Carry on talking”
Mrs Van Der Graaf: …so what did you decide to do.
Me: I decided to tell him everything.

She replied.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about” what she was doing was wrong in all
ways, I snapped and stopped texting.
Me: Mrs Van Der Graaf if I happen to report you for this you’ll loose your licence.
Now tell me where it is.
I knew it was somewhere around the room. I lost my patience when she denied it.
She gave me the pen she always had when she talked to me. There was a small
microphone attached to the inside of it. I knew my gut feeling was never wrong.
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Mrs van Der Graaf: you won’t report this?
Me: no, I’ll be coming back for private sessions if I need them.
I took the pen and left the room and drove straight to Thabo's office. I got there, I
went straight into his office where he was sitting drinking coffee with Gail.
Gail: Here’s the mother of two!

She hugged me before running out after announcing she had a date with a guy
named Cedrick. I sat down, made myself comfortable.
Thabo: you ok?
Me: how long? How long have you been listening to my sessions with Mrs Van
Der Graaf?!
Thabo: Van Der Graaf? Ubani loyo?

He raised his eyebrows and carried on rotating with his chair. I took out the
microphone and placed it on the table, he stopped rotating and looked at it,
trying to fake being surprised.
Me: Thabo. How long?
Thabo: what are you talking about?
Me: Thabo. You’re lying straight to my face, aren’t you feeling even a little guilty.
Thabo: ok. I’ve been listening to your sessions, since the beginning. You were
telling an absolute stranger things you should’ve told me.
Me: did I not tell you about those things yesterday? You should have waited for
me to be ready.
Thabo: ok. Fine you told me but what if you didn’t?
Me: but I did. You yourself have been keeping a whole child a secret, so you can’t
justify why you couldn’t let me keep my privacy.
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Thabo: I told you about Olwethu. What I need you to tell me is the name of
whoever kidnapped you.
Me: I’m not going to say that name or even think of saying it.
We weren’t screaming or shouting at each other we were talking, I felt mature.
Weirdly I knew we were ready to have children. I asked for my ring back, my
fingers felt like they were missing since I didn’t have it on. For better and for
worse, this was one of the worst and if we could survive this then we were
inseparable… or I thought.
I left Thabo at his office and went to the hotel, I still had the keys to the room
with me. When I came in Thuli was sitting watching TV, she stood up quickly
switching it off when I came in, I just knew Thabo forbid the poor woman from
watching TV. I laughed it off and carried on to Thandolwethu's room, Thuli carried
on watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians. When I came into the room
Thandolwethu was with a lady, they had their books open and she was busy
explaining the difference between b, d, p and q, I wrote bed as deb for years.
When she saw me she shook my hand.
Her: Ms Mlambo, Thandolwethu's tutor, I’ve never seen you before.
Me: Mrs Langa, Thandolwethu’s— when does the lesson end for the day?
Her: I was just leaving, bye Olwethu!

She left, I knew if I wore the ring I had to make peace with the fact that Thabo had
a child.
Me: I bought you a chocolate, I’m not sure what you like.
I’ve never been the nicest child or teen and definitely not adult but I was trying to
not make the child hate me.
Thandolwethu: baba said he got married but not to my mother.
Me: it’s fine, I’m not here to take her place, it’s just that I want to know you
better.
Thandolwethu: thank you.
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Me: for?
Thandolwethu: the chocolate, baba never lets me eat it.
Me: you and your siblings are in trouble, because Thabo is one tough nut to crack.
Thandolwethu: siblings?
I placed his hand on my belly, his smile had excitement written all over, he had
two of his teeth missing in the front, it just made his smile even cuter.
Me: they’re both in here waiting. You’re going to be an older brother.

He started asking me names, what they looked like, if they could talk and why
they were kicking me, I didn’t know the answers to all those questions he couldn’t
wait to see them. Thabo came a few minutes later seemed surprised to see me
there.
Thabo: Olwethu… you can go watch TV, I heard Madrid is playing again.
Olwethu went past me to go to the couch while Thabo came to me and pulled me
to the kitchen. I knew there was about to be an argument, he closed the kitchen
door behind him, turned around and kissed me.
I was on the table pants down t-shirt lefted up with kisses on my neck, we were
going there.
“baba we scored!”
Thabo and I looked at each other before I laughed and got off the table wearing
my pants again. That table was strong enough to carry me and I was amazed it
didn’t fall with me on it. We tried having sex before and it ended up being weird I
don’t know what we were thinking and if Olwethu came in and saw us like that, it
would have been catastrophic. We were having children and I guessed we
couldn’t freely touch each other in front of the children. Thabo ran to the TV
room, threw himself on the sofa and sat there watching people running up and
down kicking a ball, I’d much rather watch horse racing. The match ended I don’t
know who lost because I was in the kitchen drinking syrup and lemonade and
crunching on uncooked spaghetti. Olwethu went to sleep and Thuli left, it was
only Thabo and I left sitting on the sofa.
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Me: so… you’re soccer enthusiast?
Thabo: Olwethu's a soccer enthusiast I watch it because he does.
Me: when I didn’t… before I knew about Olwethu when did you see him?
Thabo: I saw him an hour before work and two hours before I came to you.
I nodded my head, asking myself what else he was hiding. He could keep a secret
this big from me what else was there. I didn’t entertain the thought much.
Me: did ugogo know about Olwethu?
Thabo: she did but she couldn’t accept him because he’s not… she couldn’t accept
that her great-grandson was… crippled so that’s why she wanted children from
you.
Me: I’m sorry again for being a drug addict.
Thabo: it takes strength to go to rehab, what weird craving do you have today?
Me: banana.
Thabo: just a banana… not fried in castor oil and flavoured with vinegar.
He thought my cravings were that bizarre, at that time vinegar in banana didn’t
seem like such a bad idea.
He came back with a banana, water and my pills which I drank, they tasted fine in
the beginning but months of taking the same pills everyday did get annoying and
they left a bitter taste. I analysed his mood, he seemed jolly and I had to ask.
Me: Thandolwethu… was he born like that…

He picked up my foot, took it off and started at me.
Thabo: you also don’t have a foot. How’d you loose it?
Me: it was a… car accident! What! Kanjani?

He stayed silent while he fit my leg back on. Poor Olwethu, I wasn’t feeling pity
but rather it felt like an understanding of what he went threw and he was so
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young. I wondered if he had any memories of himself feeling beach sand between
his toes.
Thabo: you still don’t want to tell me who kidnapped you.
Me: no.
Thabo: there are so many people you could save by just telling me this, what if
out there there’s a girl waiting to be saved.
Me: I know it seems selfish of me but I can’t get involved in these things again…
not now.
Thabo: I’m just saying with what you know, you could help so many women and
families. You never know how many women this man has in other places. Fine
don’t tell me who he is at least tell the police.
Me: they won’t do anything about it they’re probably in on it too. Which sex
thirsty man would resistance free meat to quench their thirst for their silence.
Thabo: okay, don’t tell me, don’t tll the police, but you do something about it.
Me: no I can’t!... I don’t want to be scared again. I. I lost my first child to drugs, it
was that man’s child, so forgive me when I say I think it was a monster growing
inside me, I didn’t know I was pregnant until it was too late and now I’m pregnant
again and I’m afraid I’ll loose them too, I had to fight my addiction for their lives.
I’ve just started to feel safe and I don’t want to be scared. I’m tired of always
looking over my shoulder, it took a lot of drugs for me to forget what happened
there and it took a lot from me to stop doing drugs, but after all that I’m still
afraid. Even the scent of that man scares me… so Thabo please don’t force me to
bring the memories back.
“my precious diamond” it replayed in my head, his could hands touching me, the
scent of his cigar and the way he smiled when inflicting pain. I didn’t wmt to go
back or to remember, maybe one day I'd be brave and I’d do something but back
then the wound was still fresh.
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Thabo: I hate to see you like this, I promise you you’ll be safe, I’ll keep you safe.
Even if it kills me… ok. it’s late, you should go sleep there is a bedroom next to
Olwethu's room.
Me: after the trial… if I’m found innocent and after I have the twins maybe a
month after that we could go to the beach… as a family us and the kids.
Thabo: so which beach.
Me: I don’t know, just a place with beach sand… a lot of beach sand.
Thabo: how does Mauritius sound? Or the Maldives?

I laughed walking away.
Me: Thabo… have you forgotten about amanapkeni? And milk and you just
bought a house.
I got on the bed and drifted into a deep sleep. The sea had always fascinated me
how waves could be so salty but so loved, how the water grew into a wave, I
guess I related to it somehow. Or maybe it’s that one summer in my life when
everything seemed simpler and easier, my parents were happier, Lethu was just a
precious baby and Muzi a tween with all the imagination in the world, those were
better days.
I don’t know when I fell asleep but I woke up nearly midnight to go pee, Thabo
wasn’t in bed, then I remembered we were at the flat and he was with Olwethu.
While in the toilet I heard talking, I got out thinking it was a robbery I grabbed the
closest weapon I could find. I tried tiptoeing but it didn’t work out so I stealthy
walked to the kitchen, I was relieved to see Thabo sitting there with a bottle of
whiskey, I thought of scaring him but chose to eavesdrop on his phone call.
“Yv, it’s only a month left. I Can’t stop thinking what if she leaves?... That’s what
Nomalanga did and I never saw her again… Nhlalo? I love her and I think she loves
me too, she just doesn’t say it much.
Me: what happened to Nomalanga?

He nearly dropped the glass, he almost swore when he caught it.
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Thabo: so you were eavesdropping, nothing happened people die, I’m tired.
Aren’t you tired? I’m going to sleep now.
He stood up taking the glass of whiskey with him, he was walking pass me, I
pulled the glass from his hand.
“if you don’t tell me I’ll drink this” I said it jokingly but he responded like it was a
threat to his life, sitting back down to tell the story.
Thabo: truth is Nomalanga left me long befo—
Me: why did she leave?
Thabo: … I don’t know maybe she wanted to someone else to fund her addiction…
but she left and the next time I saw her was more than a year later, she called me
that night to come pick her upon my way there, I witnessed the accident. She
went black to her ex boyfriend who sold her drugs. The car started burning after it
flipped out of the road and when I went to get her she gave me Olwethu… I can
hear her. “mthathe. Mthathe. Save him instead. Olwethu” after I took Olwethu
the car exploded. Her boyfriend didn’t die but I couldn’t let that man ruin the life
of another person so I took Olwethu. I thought maybe there was a chance he was
mine and the tests came back negative but he’s still my son. So the truth is
Olwethu isn’t my son but I didn’t try enough to save her the least thing I could do
is protect him and raise him.
I sat down on the chair next to me trying to make sense of what he told me. At
the end it all made sense, when I was on my way to becoming a drug junkie no
wonder he was so hard on me, I hugged him. He was so hard on Olwethu because
he wanted the best for him, for that. my respect grew for him.
Me: is that how you got burnt? Trying to save Nomalanga.
Thabo: (sigh) yeah.
Me: thank you for pushing me out of drugs and thank you for caring for Olwethu. I
think… I know you’re gonna be a great father.
He smelled like whiskey so I kissed him on his cheek.
Thabo: on the cheek! Hayi kanjalo.
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He pulled me to him and kissed me, the kiss lasted for minutes, we were touching
and embracing each other’s lips, I had two babies to breathe for so I pulled away
catching my breathe.
Thabo: ngiyakuthanda yezwa.

I almost smiled but then thought to change the topic.
Me: of course Thandolwethu isn’t your son, he’s ours and he needs us.
Having a dose of kindness to others made me feel good, I wasn’t angry or upset
about things I normally would be, being pregnant really changed me.
Thabo: Olwethu ulele and I’m sure these two are asleep so why don’t we take a
long warm bath together.
I didn’t realise he was trying to set a romantic mood so I responded in a very non
romantic way.
Me: my toe nails do need clipping futhi I think nginamantsentse.
Thabo: ngithi ngibaromantic.
Me: cutting your pregnant wife’s toe nails in a warm bubble bath is romantic.
Thabo: so what you’re actually doing is asking me for money to go to a boutique?
Me: what happens at a boutique?
Thabo: girly stuff like getting your nails done.
Me: how do you know so much, it sounds like you’ve been to one.
Thabo: cha! Cha! Cha nje! Denise went there and she always came back with new
nails so I figured that’s what it was for.
The mention of Denise didn’t get me angry or jealous, she was finally in the past.
We went to bed together although we didn’t do anything but talk for a while until
I drifted off to sleep. The little sleeping got, I appreciated I woke because of my
weak bladder, but before I went to the bathroom I heard Thabo talking , when I
looked at him he was asleep. He was mumbling “baba” he kept saying it. I stood
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up to got to the bathroom then he started screaming words I couldn’t

understand, it got serious when his hand started shaking.
Me: Thabo! Thabo!

I didn’t know what was happening or how bad that nightmare must’ve been, I
shook him to wake him up, his hand held mine as tight as it could whatever the
nightmare was he really needed to wake up from it. He was pulling me and I was
trying to wake him up. He stopped sitting up and catching his breathe. I touched
his face, gently pulling it so that he’d look at me.
Me: Thabo. Are you fine? Be honest.
Thabo: how bad was it?
Me: your hands were shaking, I think you should got to a doctor.
Thabo: it’s a dream.
Me: we’ll go together to see what’s happening. Maybe the doctor might give you
medication.
Thabo: Nhlalo I’m not going to a doctor, he’ll probably say I’m crazy and give me
pills that won’t make anything better.
Me: fine… but what was the dream about?
Thabo: it was about a waterfall, water, slushing down and colliding with the small
lake beneath, the water drops fl—
Me: Thabo.
I walked to the toilet feeling embarrassed how that worked on me, when I got
back to the bedroom Thabo was acting like he was asleep, I knew because he
wasn’t snoring. I went back to sleep, wondering what his dream was about, not
knowing that when I found out it would be the last thing I expected.
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Chapter 20
A few days passed with me focused on my case, this was my future on the line,
my chance at seeing my twins, raising them. The day came, I wasn’t feeling well
the whole night which led me to waking up every now and then to get myself a
bowl of cereal and to go pee, I needed to pee a lot and it was annoying. I got up in
the morning and something smelled good, Thabo wasn’t in bed so I went
downstairs to check what it was. The kitchen was busy! There was all types of
food you’d dream of.
I didn’t know who’s food it was and I was the one carrying two children, I
deserved the food. I started with eating the ribs then the pancakes… I wasn’t
going to eat all the food on the table with the trial only 3 hours away. Then my
pregnant brain had the brilliant idea if eating a piece of everything all at once. The
lamb chops, chicken and bacon were all wrapped in bread and pancakes and I
dipped in honey, chocolate dip, salsa, mayo and jam. Brilliant, in my defence I was
pregnant and people just don’t get how pregnant woman feel, this thought had
me gave me the extra push to also add the fruits into the mix as I bit into the shit I
was eating I was thinking: I bet the worst part was that some stuck up ass woman
somewhere was also pregnant with twins but she didn’t have feet the size of an
octopus and was as tired as an apple, I just had to have the bad pregnancy and I
had 6 months of morning sickness to show for it.
My Brilliant idea was clearly stupid, it tasted like… meat in sugar, chilly, spices and
whatever taste bread has. Thabo came in squeezing my cheeks together forcing
the food out.
Me: Thabo!
Thabo: you weren’t choking?
Me: no and good morning to you too.
Thabo: Not at all a good morning, I was up half of the night because of your stress
eating.
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Me: I can’t help it if your children can’t sleep when their mother is clearly worried,
where were you anyways?
Thabo: guest bedroom downstairs, you didn’t see me leave in the middle of the
night?
Me: no, what if I got into labour during my sleep and you didn’t see it and I
dream birth the twins.
Thabo: I don’t think that’s possible and we still have a week.
Me: thank you for the food.
Thabo: I didn’t order it, I thought you did.
Me: and I was eating it! It could be poisoned or it might have bird shit in it.
He stopped being worried for a few seconds and looked at me, I knew what I said
was stupid but if he said anything about it I was going to fake cry and act like the
pregnancy was all his fault and guilt him to say sorry. Like I said pregnancy made
me invincible.
Thabo: you didn’t eat and actually swallow any of it? Step back.
He pulled the bottom drawer and took out gloves, wore them before he filled the
food, cutting the fruits in half and shredding the meat, you would’ve sworn he
was looking for a bomb..
Me: I did, I ate the ribs and pancakes.

I picked up a paper I hadn’t noticed until then. It read, “umzukulu woMaluleka
iphilibana likaDonda akadle.” I threw it in the dustbin, I just thought the food was
delivered and laid out in the wrong house, maybe our neighbour was trying to do
something romantic but now it was all ruined. Thabo stopped and sat down, I
guessed he realised there wasn’t any rat poison or a bomb.
Thabo: remember I told you there were a few tests the doctors did?
I nodded while making cereal, you’d think I’d have enough by then.
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Thabo: well the doc wants to see me today.
Me: he probably wants to tell you you’re in the clear, so are you coming to my
trial then? You could always reschedule for tomorrow or next week.
Thabo: I’ll go tomorrow by next week I’ll have babies to take care of.
Me: WE and that only if I’m found innocent.

I tried to hide the worry from my voice and to be optimistic about the situation,
maybe he saw right threw my façade and that’s why he hugged me.
Me: I’m not going to prison right…
Thabo: even if you do then you’ll escape and we’ll run away to a small town in
Zambia.
I felt better. We got dressed and left for court. I was squeezing a stress ball all the
way there. This time there wasn’t any press to take pictures of me “The Taxi Boss
Killer” that’s what the last headlines said, it was like they’d already decided I was
guilty. I wondered if Muzi saw it or umkhulu and if they believed what the papers
said.
I stepped into the courtroom it was full with mostly the Zikalala’s, I saw Khuzeni,
Queen, Zack and Wendy too. I stood next to Mr Modise, he was in a suit looking
ready to fight. The judge came in, Judge Goge, she was going to decide my fate.
The Zikalala’s could have easily bribed her I felt my chances growing slimmer, the
stress somehow got to my lower back, I started having really uncomfortable
cramps. After taking a seat it felt better. The trail proceeded, the other lawyer,
Mrs Shezi laid in a real fight, I heard he was one of the best in the country, but Mr
Modise put on his own fight, with every statement made by the other lawyer Mr
Modise had a comeback. It was time I was called onto the stand, I made my oath,
“to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth”
Mrs Shezi: Mrs Langa, where were you on the day Mr Zikalala disappeared?
Me: my husband and I had just found out we were going to have children and
after that we drove back to our house and spent the rest of the day celebrating
there.
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Mrs Shezi: if I’m right you and your husband’s celebrating led to you having an
overdose in drugs. Leaving you in a coma. am I right?
Me: … no. That day I saw Zweli at the hospital. He had a bottle of water with him I
drank that water and it then led to my overdose.
Mrs Shezi: no, I think you and your husband are just trying to cover up how you
got high and when Zweli came over you killed him.
Mr Modise: objection! She’s jumping to conclusions.
Judge: watch yourself Mrs Shezi.
Mrs Shezi: do you know the reason Mrs Zikalala attacked you after you had just
woken up from your coma? Or was it just another coincidence?
Me: Mrs Zikalala was overprotective of Zweli, you can ask any of his family
members, the last time Zweli distanced himself with her he came to me. So she
thought I had her son.
Mrs Shezi: at the hospital they said you had bruises on your neck, why were they
there?
Me: Zweli. He strangled me at the hospital when I told him the child wasn’t his.
Mrs Shezi sat down and Mr Modise came to ask me more questions.
Mr Modise: Nhlalo, so you say that Zwelihle Zikalala attacked you at the hospital?
Leaving you with those bruises you had on your neck?
Me: yes… he did.

I felt another uncomfortable cramp, it was getting worse but I had to get threw
the hearing so at least I could know weather or not I was found innocent or not.
Mr Modise: then he gave you that water that he knew it had a high dosage in
drugs so as revenge he’d kill you and the child. My lord have you thought of that
trauma? She was then attacked by Zwelihle's mother, she came to finish off the
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job her son couldn’t complete. We all know it’s a fact that Mr Zikalala was a drug
addict, his grandfather can come to the stand to prove that he was no longer
giving Zwelihle any money which would mean Zwelihle could be somewhere out
here living in the streets. Or even better dead from all the money he owed his
dealers.
Mrs Shezi: my lord he is making Zwelihle the bad guy with all these conclusions.
Mr Modise: my lord I’m done questioning Mrs Langa.

I went to sit down, trying to not show I was in pain.
Judge: may the accused stand.

I stood up, I was sweating like a pig. I looked back and damn, my husband looked
Hella good in a suit, the last time he wore one was on the wedding day, our one
year anniversary was right around the corner.
Me(whispering): you look good in a suit.
It was rare that I complement a person so I turned around kind of blushing from
the sight of him in a suit.
Thabo: Nhlalo… you’re wet…
I know I said he looked handsome in a suit but there wasn’t a need to make it
weird. I turned around, sarcastically stared at him and rolled my eyes. His eyes
signally pointed to the bench I was sitting on and I remember seeing a liquid
around me, the pressure followed. My water broke. Oh shit! I wasn’t prepared for
it, we still had a week to go in my head, I took calming breathes before looking at
Thabo and nodding my head, it was going down.
Judge: Mr Modise, the accused has quite a lot to say…

Thabo stood up to pull me back to my feet.
Thabo: we’re having our babies! Your honour she’s in labour.

He sounded ecstatic. Everybody made way for me, the stare Khuzeni gave me
when I passed him, he was smiling then only did I realise the Zikalala’s thought
this was Zweli’s children. The food that morning came with a letter they sent it
and maybe that’s why that man with a gun who came to see me prison didn’t
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shoot me. There wasn’t anytime to clear up the misconception they had. I was
having my babies! I was letting that thought sink in on the way to hospital while
Thabo was driving and calling Gail to tell her the news.
We got to the hospital, I was put on a wheelchair and told to breathe.

Nurse: breathe. Ho-ho-ha-ha…
I should’ve taken pregnancy classes, I should have taken pregnancy classes I didn’t
know anything about babies, I needed someone to help me or teach me how to
breastfeed, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to breastfeed, I didn’t even know how
to hold a baby. I was in a hospital room with Thabo sitting next to me, I could hear
other woman screaming and babies crying I was going to go through the same
thing soon. I was sleeping sideways for minimum discomfort, I had my head
buried in the pillow. Thabo left for a few minutes while I kept my breathing at the
same rhythm. The spasms became worse and contractions time gaps were getting
smaller, I wanted the full broth experience and all the pain so I didn’t want to get
any painkillers.
I saw Gail, a little relieved, she could help with breastfeeding. She excitedly waved
her hand.
Gail: two babies are a lot, you can always give me your son.
Me: what, no, I’m sure there won’t be a need for that seeing as we’ll have
someone to help us for the first few months.
Gail: fine then… this is my mother, Yvonne. Vonnie this is Nhlalo.
Thabo came back in the room wearing the blue-green operation uniform he was
still putting on gloves when he came in.
Thabo: Gail, uyaphapha yazi. YV this is Nhlalo, my wife and soon to be the mother
of my children. Nhlalo this is my Yvonne my mother and Gail my sister.
Of course the best place to meet Yvonne was in a hospital room when I was
sweating like a pig, I raised my head while smiling from the pillow and extended
my hand.
“it’s a pleasure finally meeting you, Nhla—”
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She had red lipstick and a kinky 80’s hairstyle the only thing missing was a gun.
Now what was Thabo doing with a woman who was the host to a drug auction
and on top of that a prostitution sale. I pulled my hand back as I was reminded by
all the atrocities done to me by Siseko. At the most precious moment of my life,
my past came flooding in drowning me in back into the darkness I had decided to
leave in my past.
Yvonne: be not afraid, you are as much of a daughter to me like Gail. Although
you won’t call me mum or mommie, I’m not that old yet.
I tried laughing with everybody else, but I was in pain, inside and out. If I could I’d
run away again, that fear I felt that day awoke in me, if she could find me then
what was stopping Siseko from finding me. She and Siseko were connected
somehow and that would mean Siseko was closer than ever.
Me: I need space… I'm struggling to breathe.
Nurse: only one person can be in the room…

I was so thankful to that nurse Yvonne and Gail went to wait outside the room.
The stress ball literally deflated from how much I was squeezing it.
Me: I need another ball… your hand.

He held his hand stepping away, looking at me like I was crazy.
Thabo: I still like my hand.
Me: I swear I won’t push these babies out if you do the give me your hand.
He hesitated but sat down and held my hand often kissing it, he raised his head
and smiled when he saw me smiling, the excitement in his eyes, I even think I
reaped a tear of joy. I thought he was going to kiss me but he didn’t so I kissed
him, this was the magic of bringing children to this world.
Thabo: uright? It’s just that you’re sweating a lot, don’t worry too much about
Yvonne, doesn’t joke with anyone. She likes you already.
This was one of the times I wished he’d open his arms to me and let my fear
disappear in his embrace. Where would I start, I’d have to go into detail. Every
excruciating detail just to accuse the woman he adored so much of being an
emotionless being who had lost all the meaning of being a woman when she
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watched as other woman were sold for sex in her presence. I couldn’t do it so I
went for the simpler way.
Me: of course I’m not fine I’m in labour. I thought my water would break and I’d
give birth straight afterwards.
Thabo: I read a book and it said some woman go into labour for up to 48 hours.
Me: Thabo, I think is should have c-section then.
Thabo: is it too much? Just breathe.
Me: I’m worried my vagina will tear in halffff!

The pressure got worse, nurses came in running and doctor Patel, Thabo wore
what the nurses had on. I laid in position with my legs apart, it was happening.
Doctor Patel: Mrs Langa I’ll need you to push when I get to three. One…
I held onto Thabo's hand and pushed at the sound of three, I was crying from
seeing the head. It was real, I was pushing a baby out of my… I was having my
babies.
Doctor Patel: give us another big one.

Oh I pushed, it was fucking painful! By the third push I didn’t know if I had it in me
to push again that was when I heard my baby crying from between my legs I saw
Thabo carrying mini-us, he was holding him and he was so small in Thabo's arms.
Thabo was smiling as he showed me our son, I extended my hand and he held me
finger, my tears of pain turned into tears of unimaginable happiness.
Doctor Patel: Nhlalo, good job!

There was something wrong with him, I saw nurses surrounding him when I raised
my head to see I felt the pressure again.
Doctor Patel: baby number two, now push.

I wanted to get it over and done with so I could see what was wrong with my boy,
between the pushes I asked Thabo what was wrong he wouldn’t answer me he
just kept nodding his head. Doctor Patel told me to push one last time and I did, I
heard another precious cry, my baby girl! Before I could lift myself up to see what
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was happening, the machine started beeping faster, I didn’t know what was going
on, I couldn’t lift myself up. I felt like everything was spinning around me, I could
hear myself breathing, light murmurs in my head and the machine beeping.
Everything was a blur. A nurse with a dragon tattoo on her neck… Gail was taking
my baby, I pulled the drips off, I was following her, she wasn’t going to take my
baby from me. I got the strength to get up but fell to the floor I had to drag myself
but I couldn’t, by the second pull I was too weak, I remember the tears that
followed before I fainted.
I woke up with the machine beeping besides me, Doctor Patel was in the room.
Me: Doc… why am I still here?
Doctor Patel: you started bleeding after the birth.
Me: Doctor Patel… where’s my son?
Doctors Patel: Nhlalo… ahm… your husband is on his way here.

Gail really took him.
Me: and my daughter where is she?

Thabo came in holding a baby in a pink baby blanket, she was asleep when Thabo
sat down.
Me: where’s our son?
Thabo: I can’t find him, you were right you should’ve have a c-section and…what
father looses his son on the first day…
He was angry with himself and I was angry at myself too but I knew he had felt
like he had failed again and I could tell, he was sweating and talking without
breathing if he carried on he was going to black out soon.
Me: Thabo breathe.

He looked at me almost the same way as before only this time there was child in
his arms and the happiness… it had turned to stress and worry. That day could’ve
been the first time I saw his eyes red from nearly crying.
Thabo: I just got the doctors results and (sigh) I have cancer, I’ll start chemo soon.
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It was all crumbling, the perfect picture I had seen before, I was angry with life. It
all felt like a sick twisted joke.
Thabo: they have no names.
Me: we need to find our son first, Gail took him I saw the dragon tattoo on her
neck when she walked away, do you have any idea where she might be?
Thabo: Gail? Why would she—
Me: she wants our son. She want s to make another Wayne.
Thabo: I know where she is… I’ll go look for her.

I took the drips off and stood up, I couldn’t believe I could walk. Thabo left the
baby with Yvonne, I followed Thabo to the car, nurses tried stopping me saying I
wasn’t fit to go anywhere I carried on walking until I got to the car.
Thabo: buyela esibhedlela.
Me: cha, we’re going to look for our son.
Thabo: inkani! Just drink some water you lost a lot of blood.
We got to an old cottage far out of town.

Me: why do you think she’s here?
Thabo: This is our old family cottage, Gail and Kevin stayed here, if Gail really
wanted to remake Wynne then she’d come here, this is were Wynne stayed for
the first month of his life.
It made sense, the door was open.the first thing we saw as we walked in was a
man who had been tied up and gaged, he had scars on him. I knew Kevin and I
knew what those scars were meant to be, they were meant to be Kevin’s Tattoo’s.
Thabo and I would checked rooms separately, there was warm food in the
kitchen, there was a noise coming from the pantry. I opened the door and to see
Gail looking at me with her arms empty… I fell to my knees with my tears falling
instantly from the sight of my baby on the floor. Gail disappeared, it felt like the
air had been pulled out of me, I couldn’t speak. How could I speak? What was I
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going to say? He was on the floor and he wasn’t blinking or moving, at first I
thought he was sleeping but I knew deep down he was wasn’t going to wake up. I
caught my breathe and said the first thing that came to me. “Call the
ambulance!”, Thabo came running in, he stopped at the door. Gail did this to our
son, I wanted to find Gail and strangle her to death. I was kicking down doors
turning everything upside down, I looked in every room, every nook and corner of
the house. The last room I searched she was there. As soon as I saw her I
tightened my fists and I punched her, she fell to the floor and I got on top of her
and handed more punches to her, until she had a broken nose and one of her
cheek bones were indentured. I got off her and told her to stand.
Gail: I’m sorry.

She stood in the darkness I didn’t even want to see her face, seeing her all the
anger I had towards her had disappeared, that was why I stopped hitting her and
didn’t kill her like I thought I would. Thabo came in, he couldn’t see her.
Me: I already checked the room, akekho.

I pulled him out of the room and into another room. I hugged him afterwards
telling him Gail was gone and we should go grieve our son. Gail lost her son and
unintentionally exacted revenge and made me feel what she went threw. I
couldn’t let her be arrested, I was more of a criminal than her, I just hoped the
twinkling star could forgive me and maybe the twinkling star had found a friend.
The man who was tied to the chair was Cedrick, the guy Gail had gone on a date
with a few days before. He then told us how, he was kidnapped and tied up for
days without food. He said Gail came with a baby and said her family was
complete again. Thabo opened a case against Gail, he wanted to find her and I
knew when he did, it wasn’t going to end well.
Thabo and I drove to the hospital, the ride was silent as we followed the
ambulance back to the hospital.
When we got to the hospital mini-us was covered in foil and was left to lay on the
metal bed. He was laying there waiting for me to hold him, give him life— that is a
mother’s job after all. I picked him up, feeling his gentle skin thinking of how the
life he would have lived. He looked like me, his little mouth, ears and nose were
like mine. I kissed his cheeks and smiled I wanted to remember him by the
tenderness of his cheeks and not the pain in my tears. Thabo hugged me from
behind.
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Me: we still need a name for him.
Thabo: he was God’s gift and this was God’s plan. Ntandoyenkosi.
Me: it’s perfect, Langa-elihle… a second name?

Langa-elihle seemed fitting because he was a Langa but the deeper meaning was
the one day he was in this world he made it beautiful.
We stood there for a long time, I was holding Ntando and Thabo was the pillar to
my strength. I placed let Ntandoyenkosi into his resting bed and left.
We got to Thabo's house I had just entered the door when I heard crying, I
thought it was all in my head until I saw Thuli carrying a child. I had forgotten all
about my baby girl. Thuli gave her to me, she stopped crying. It had been hours
since she was born and I was only holding her for the first time. I went back to the
garage to Thabo. When I got there he was still in the car with all the windows
closed while smoking his cigar. I opened the door and waited for the smoke to go
out from a distance. I stood outside the car.
Me: you know when still have another child to name.
Thabo: I think you should pick this one.

I looked at her and I felt the upmost care for her, her eyes were filled with so
much innocent and I didn’t want her to loose it the way I did or her father did, I
wanted to be there for her to protect her, to wipe every little tear and to heal the
scars she’d have. I wasn't always going to be there for her and I wanted her to
know even without me she could do it, she could fight her battles, she was
mommies little soldier. I wanted her to know she was strong.
“Unamandla”
Thabo: Zamalanga… second name?

Thabo went to take a bath while Unamandla and I went to sleep. I never really
thought of how Thabo and I would handle 2 babies at once, guess that was sorted
out for us, we still needed to plan the funeral. Thabo came out of the bathroom in
boxers and got in bed.
Me: Thabo… for Ntando’s funeral we won’t invite anyone, nobody knew him or
seen him.
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Thabo: are you trying to say he didn’t exist?
Me: no. I just mean I don’t want people at the funeral who be fake crying just to
show pity.
Thabo: empathy not pity and I personally don’t want that so burying alone might
be the best option.
I remembered Thabo had cancer, I stayed quiet wondering why this was
happening to us, to him.
Me: how bad is the cancer?
Thabo: they caught it early, first stage, the same cancer baba had and he survived
it.
Me: if he survived then I’m sure you will too.
Thabo: how does it feel? Not being pregnant.
Me: I feel like I’ve been carrying a truck load for months now.
I was tired mostly drained, the small talk we had was all to avoid the topic of
Ntando again. Unamandla was up all night crying and I wanted my baby to get the
best milk so I breast fed her every time she woke up. I wanted to even her out,
she had a big head and a big stomach and little tiny legs and arms but I guess
that’s how all babies looked when they’re born.
The next day Unamandla and I woke up at midday, there was a conversation
going on in the living room. When I got there Thabo and Yvonne stopped talking,
they were drinking coffee.
Yvonne: Nhlalo, I feel your pain and I’m sorry for what Gail did, may his soul rest
in peace.
I despised Yvonne even more when she started looking like Gail, I have let her run
but I didn’t forget what she did to my baby.
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Me: he has a name, Ntandoyenkosi I’d appreciate it if you use it and not talk
about him like an object.
Yvonne: Bobo, Kain wanted you to call him, appears a “womans” word doesn’t
seal the deal.
Thabo went to the backyard, I had a feeling she knew why I was being so hostile
to her. Unamandla started crying I went to get her, for some reason she followed
me.
Yvonne: oh I still recognise you, Arnold’s little runaway slut. Now you tell me what
you’re doing with my son?
Me: we’re married I don’t know why you’re asking me simple questions or was it
rhetorical.
She took Unamandla from me and held her.
Yvonne: you hold a baby like this. Nhlalo you say? The first time we met wasn’t
the best…
Me: does Thabo know… does he know what you do?
Yvonne: no and you’ll keep it like that or else I tell Thabo how his brother in law
and nephew died.. I saw you when you loaded them into your car, you cold
blooded whore.
Me: I won’t tell him if you stop hosting those disgusting sex parties. You
shameless bitch.
Yvonne: no Nhlalo I’ll carry on doing it and you won’t tell him because if you do…
he has a sharp knife he keeps in a box under this bed, he calls it Machete, you
wouldn’t want to be another blood stain on that blade Nhlalo.
At that moment I lost a part of being a woman, I knew what those women were
going threw and I knew they weren’t doing it willingly but I was driven by
selfishness and fear, I thought my marriage wouldn’t survive the truth so I chose
to keep it to myself. Yvonne knew my decision when I walked out of the room and
went to the kitchen. She came out of the bedroom with Unamandla and gave her
to me before she went to the backyard.
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I was basking in joy when Unamandla held my finger. I had to bath her for the first
time, I was nervous, it’s crazy thinking of how many things that could go wrong.
First time experiences had to be shared by both parents.
I could hear Thabo talking outside I ended up unintentionally eavesdropping.

“Kain last but not least the next time you speak to my mother respect her, the
woman knows what she’s talking about, call her when you have it and she’ll tell
you when you’ll get your money.”
I couldn’t hear him after that but I wondered if Thabo really didn’t know about
the sex parties, who was Kain? For all I knew he could be a twisted old man who
sells woman. Maybe I was overthinking. I heard him saying goodbye to Yvonne
and I heard her car leaving, he came to Unamandla's bedroom where I had
everything set.
Me: Who’s Kain?
Thabo: oh, ahm. Kain is the owner of this business that Yvonne works with, he’s
serial sexist, he says the stupidest things first time I met him first thing he said to
was 'a man can only hear a man.’
Me: I think he deserves a punch from a woman to set his mind straight.
Thabo: sometimes violence isn’t the answer.
Me: violence is always the answer, I can not think of a situation where violence
isn’t the solution.
Thabo: really?
Me: name one situation were it wouldn’t work.
Thabo: you’re standing in a queue at home affairs and somebody just comes
along and stands in front of you.
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Me: if this person isn’t a mother with a baby, handicapped or a senior citizen then
I would push them out of the line, if they fall and get hurt that won’t be my
problem.
Thabo: I as going to say that person is me but never mind, what if a stripper is
giving me lap dance and she’s getting really touchy what would you do?
Me: I’d also give a lapdance to another man then because I don’t know why you’d
pay a stripper for a lap dance when your wife is a pro of the pole.
Thabo: you were a stripper! I knew from the moment your legs went behind your
head!
Me: no! And I did ballet and gymnastics so I’m flexible.
Thabo: I thought maybe one day we’d go to Ntando's soccer match.

He laughed it off but the whole conversation was over, I hadn’t forgotten about
Ntando but at the mention of his name, it pained, crying was the last thing I
wanted to do, I pulled threw and smiled when I heard his name I wanted to smile
and not cry because all he gave was joy.
Me: when are you starting chemo?
Thabo: next week. I have to do a surgery first, the chemo will follow.
He had cancer… he looked fine all along, if those tests weren’t done then we
would have never found out until it was too late maybe things did happen for a
reason. I didn’t entertain the thought of him dying, his father survived the same
cancer so Thabo was definitely going to make it. Thabo was holding Unamadla
they looked so cute together, she was holding his finger and her fingers were so
small, it all made me smile, Thabo too. I took a picture of them. I looked at it and
realised Unamandla really looked like Thabo.
Thabo: life, I was shot and now I cancer, I just think maybe I’m meant to die soon
and if not soon then the cancer might come back in a few years what if I don’t
make it then?
Me: you will, don’t say things like that you’re making me tense.
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Thabo: me, you, Olwethu and Ama, let’s go somewhere.
Me: she’s only two days old and we have a funeral to do… I think we should pick a
coffin for Ntando and the date.
We stayed quiet after that, I drifted off to sleep, I had been feeling tired and the
little human next to was feeling the same. Unamandla woke up a few minutes
later, Thabo took her and sail I could sleep. At night Thabo was the one sleeping
while I was the one taking care of Unamandla when she woke up.
The next morning we decided we wouldn’t stop dismissing the talks about the
funeral, so after bathing Unamandla, we sat down and we took our time planning
Ntando's last place of rest. We picked the coffin, it was white, everything we
selected was plain white, it showed his innocence. The flowers were white and
the cross above his grave too. Planning the funeral allowed space for acceptance.
Looking at pictures of ultrasounds didn’t hurt as much and when Unamandla was
old enough I was going to tell her with joy she had a twin who was a beautiful
human being.
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Chapter 21
I wanted to go see Olwethu, so I went to see him alone Thabo stayed looked after
Unamandla. When I got there he was playing chess, Thuli was watching TV she
stood up and turned it off when I went to greet her, I knew Thabo forbid the poor
woman from watching TV I told her it was fine and she carried on watching
Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I sat down across Olwethu and played a move.
Olwethu: do you know Baba hasn’t lost to me in the past year?
Me: oh I see so you’re a pro at this but let me tell you that my father couldn’t won
against me for 5 years.
Olwethu: you have a father too?
Me: yes I do but he died last year.
Olwethu: so all old people don’t have a father, like ubaba.
Me: no that’s rude to say… have you ever seen the beach? And it’s waves? That’s
how life is, waves come and go just like life.
Olwethu: so, mama’s wave left?
Me: yeah.
Olwethu: where did the babies go?
Me: well your little sister will come see you in a few days.
Olwethu: Have you ever seen the beach? What is it like?
Me: you’ve never been to the beach? Let’s got then.
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I got Olwethu in the car on my way out Thuli was saying a lot, most of it saying
how Olwethu wasn’t supposed to go out. I didn’t listen and I took him to the
beach, we only drove by because we didn’t have time but he seemed so excited.
We got ice cream and it was time to go back to his apartment, that kept me from
thinking about Ntando's funeral for a while.
I got to back to the manor and Thabo had cooked and not pickles it was actual
food, it was all dished out on the table ready for supper. There was only two of us
and a table full of food. He kissed my cheeks and told me Unamandla was asleep.
So I went to see her.
Thabo: so what did you do all day?
Me: … I took Olwethu on a drive.
Thabo: ini? You did what?
Me: you act like I did something wrong.
Thabo: he’s better off inside.
Me: why? He’s a child and he deserves to be outside and to see the world… what
about school?
Thabo: most schools don’t accommodate him so it’s for his safety that he stays at
home.
Me: what about getting friends? The boy can’t stay at in the house all day, he
needs friends or at least one.
Thabo: Nhlalo all that I’m doing for him is for his own safety, when he’s old
enough he’ll go outside.
Me: I know you care for Olwethu and you want to protect him as a parent but in
the long run you’re making him more vulnerable to the world in future.
Thabo: he has a father to tell him about the world.
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Me: maybe you might not see it but he’s crying to go outside and see the world
and one day he might get tired of just hearing of it and he’ll run away.
Thabo: but until then there is so much that could go wrong if I let him out, there
are too many things that could hurt him. Do you know how many children get
kidnapped each day?
Me: you’re making the child miserable… you want to protect him but you’re going
to loose him if you carry on this way. If you cage a dove when it gets a chance it
will fly away.
Thabo: he’s survived 7 years in that apartment I don’t see what’s going to be so
difficult in the next 7.
Me: curiosity.
Thabo: but didn’t it kill the cat?
Me: I guess he’ll have Unamandla for company because until she has a big brother
to watch out for her then she won’t be going out.
I turned around, feeling frustrated, I didn’t know what this big danger was but he
wasn’t changing his choice and I knew it would be wrong of me to go against the
way he raised his child. But I was proud that I put up a good fight for Olwethu I
knew if I tried harder next time then Thabo was surely going to see my point
Thabo: so after all that you chose to put my Olwethu in danger.
Me: he needs to see the outside.
Thabo: just know that if anything hurts him, it will all be your fault.
Me: I have a valid reason for taking him outside and I didn’t know you didn’t wnt
him to go outside.
Thabo: I’m his father, I don’t think you have the right to going against the decision
I make for my son.
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Me: I only met Olwethu a few weeks ago, maybe you might not see it but he’s
miserable, that is no life for a child to live, you’re not giving him any quality of life,
you’re just keeping him alive and that’s as good as being dead.
And like that I lost my appetite and went to see Unamandla.
In the coming days the funeral was planned and on a Saturday morning we were
dressed in black Thabo, Unamandla and I at Ntando's grave. The priest said the
prayers and for once in a long time I prayed, I prayed to God to care for Ntando, I
prayed for him to be happy and to look over us knowing that he brought
something beautiful into our lives, I prayed. I nearly cried when Ntando’s casket
was lowered, it was so small, I didn’t get to hold him with life, to feel the life I
birth. I didn’t cry, Thabo held my hand, or maybe I knew Ntando was with uGogo
and all his family, they’d be happy to see him. The grave was next to Gogo's grave.
I threw in a handful of sand and smiled through the pain. Thabo filled the hole, it
didn’t take long because it was that small.
We got back to the house, I was driving so it took a while, I couldn’t shake the
thought of driving too fast and hurting Unamandla.
Me: Thabo I need to change her.
Thabo was behind me, he was walking really slow and Unamandla was playing
with his buttons. Yoh, our child had small fingers! You’d swear they were chicken
feet. They looked so cute! I had to take a picture.
Thabo: Unamadla awucele umamkho ukuthi ayeke ukusishutha.

I looked at the picture something looked weird, I didn’t know what’s it was but it
seemed weird.
Me: I should take pictures, there won’t be another child this young until we’re
grandparents.
Thabo: Nhlalo just 4 more nyana.
Me: who’s going to carry those children for 9 nine months?
Thabo: my beautiful wife will.
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Me: which breasts will they feed from?
Thabo: my wife’s sexy breasts.
Me: who’s going to change them!
Thabo: my beautiful, gorgeous wife that I love will.

I only realised he had gotten close to me when he pulled me by the waist and
kissed me.
Me: maybe 2 more, but you’re changing their nappies.

I took Unamandla from Thabo and he opened the door.
Thabo: you locked the door right?
Me: I did.. wai—

He put his finger on my lips before running back to the car, he probably thought
what I thought, he came back with a gun in his hands, I stood outside with Ama. I
heard footsteps and unidentifiable sounds it went silent.
“Nhlalo!”
Thabo was calling me, I didn’t know what was in there or what to expect, so I left
Unamandla in her in the backseat of the car, I told her “umama uyabhuya baby.
Ok”. I went into the house slowly to see Thabo being forced to stay on the ground
by 4 men, 2 on his shoulders with guns and the other two holding the body down,
Thuli had her hands up, crying and praying because there was a man holding a
gun against her head. What was going on? I could hear every breathe and could
feel the danger raising the hairs in my neck. I took one more step, Khuzeni was
sitting on the sofa drinking grape wine.
Me: Khuzeni.
Khuzeni: KaMabizela, hlala phansi.

I hesitated, looking at Thabo, he nodded his head as if he knew I was asking if he
was fine. I sat down. Straight up . Chin up. Tucking the fear and confusion into my
fists.
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Me: ufunani?
Khuzeni: okaCaesar makubuye kuCaesar.
Me: With all due respect Khuzeni but this Caesar can go fuck himself because I
owe him nothing.
Khuzeni: wengane ndini! Angeke ngidelelwe ngaleyondlela.
Me: weKhehla ndini! Angeke ufike kwami, uphuz' iwine Yami and expect me to
show you respect!?
He stood up pulling out his gun, I wasn’t backing down, I stood up with him.
Me: ngidubule! Then those guards outside will come in here beqede ngani.
Khuzeni: iphi ingane?
Me: ingane yam nomyeni wam ayikuxhaki ndawo.
Khuzeni: KaMabizela sobabili siyazi ukuthi leya ngane eyaZwelihle.
Thabo: ngiyachabanga ukuthi wena k'mele uhambe ngoba unkosikazi wami

uyakutshela ukuthi ingane eyami.
Thabo had broke free from the 4 men, stood next to me and extended his hand to
mine, they interlocked.
Khuzeni: oZikalala bafuna indlalifa yabo.
Thabo: ubhukeka ungubaba ohloniphekile, lengane eyami, indoda iyayazi imbewu

yakhe.
Khuzeni: unaso isiqiniseko.
Thabo: ngiyamthemba unkosikazi wami.

He looked at me, I was staring right back we didn’t say anything but yet said so
much. Khuzeni wasn’t going to believe anything we said Unamandla was in the car
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alone, I went upstairs and came back with DNA tests and threw them on the
table. He opened them and read them.
Khuzeni: MfokaLanga ngiyakuhalalisela.

He stood up and walked out, I ran to the car to get Unamandla, the poor thing
must have been so hungry. When I got to her she was crying, I picked her up and
apologized for leaving her in the car alone, she fell asleep while on the way back
to the house. When changed Ama's nappie and she fell asleep again I sat next to
her just taking a moment to look at the life that came from me.
Thabo: we made her.
Me: we did. What if what happened today went wrong or Khuzeni did something
to you, to us.
He stood behind me and covered my in his arms.
Thabo: but nothing happened you’re overthinking.
Me: we don’t even have a guardian to take care of her.
Thabo: but nothing happened, I think you should pick someone from your family.
Me: Muzi… Nsizwayomuzi, my brother, he’s an amazing father to his child,

Liyanda.
Thabo: the child he got from your ex best friend right?
Me: she wasn’t my best friend!
Thabo: But you had sleepovers and pillow fights, you probably painted each
other’s nails and gossiped about boys.
Me: truth is you used to play with dildos and vibrators during the sleep overs…
then we’d watch porn and smoke weed.
Thabo: a part of me actually believes that.
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I couldn’t be serious and I broke into laughter, we were friends not best friends
but friends I just didn’t want to admit it, I then calmly explained that “after she
had a child with my brother she made our lives a competition.”
Thabo: who won?
Me: well she was always in the lead but I think now that I’m married to an
amazing man and we’ve made a beautiful baby and I’m happy right where I am,
I’m in the lead.
He got a phone call and I started searching for my phone, I really want sure where
it was, it had been days since I had seen it. I looked all over the house, Thabo
came back and called it. We could hear it ringing, it was in the only room I hadn’t
opened. I opened the door, it was like all the dreams I had for Ntando filled the
room, I thought I’d see him running around the room. I stood at the door holding
the tears back, the thought of Ntando being gone became a reality, we were
burying him just a few hours ago. The next footstep I took was to get closer to his
crib, no I was running to his crib when I got to it I disassembled it throwing the
pieces out of the window. Why was it there? It was going to be a constant
remainder that he was gone. All the clothes we had bought for him,I threw out
the window. I then went outside and set them alight. Thabo came outside, he
kept asking me what I was doing but I was basking in the flames of the life our son
lost because of me. I knew I was burning but I preferred that pain more than that
of the guilt I carried. Thabo pulled me away then shook me.
Thabo: I think we should’ve given them away to charity.
Me: these are my son’s clothes! If he won’t wear then nobody will.
Thabo: Nhlalo we have to face the fact that someone out there has a son and they
don’t have anything.
Me: we had a child! We had a son! He couldn’t even wear his clothes, now you
want some other child to wear them! No. I refuse.
Thabo: but we don’t have a son anymore! We failed him… I failed him, so the
least we could do is give a child a better life.
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Me: I don’t want to give anybody our son’s clothes!

He held me by my shoulders, I was avoiding looking at his eyes, I didn’t want to
look at him threw my tears. I took a deep breathe but it didn’t help me one bit, I
buried my head into his shoulders.
Me: I can’t understand, why we don’t have him, why can’t Ntando wear them…
He held me, giving off a warm embrace, I caved in crying on his shoulder. I really
needed to cry, for those few minutes it was like all the pain died away.
Thabo: those were our sons clothes.

He kissed my forehead and with the flames behind us we went back inside, we
had ice cream together, that was until Unamandla woke up we spent the rest of
our time with her. That might have been the last normal night in our marriage.
The next night started a chain of events that would lead to the end.
It was Thabo and I, we were at the mini bar, Thabo was drinking a beer, I was
having lemon juice because I was quitting alcohol. We were talking with distance
between us, I was in the mood to get it on doctor Patel said we should wait but I
had need waiting for months. I got closer you him, how I’d fantasized about this
moment for months, I took off his belt and turned around. I got to the bed and
when I turned back he was gone, I heard the car starting I told myself: “there
must’ve been something he forgot about that was so urgent that he had to
leave.” I thought because he had just become a father he wasn’t cheating and I
trusted him enough to believe so.
Hours passed, Unamandla woke up and she kept on crying, maybe I was crying
with her I just felt frustrated. I don’t know how or when I fell asleep but I know a
huge noise woke me up. There was a phone ringing, I told Thabo to pick up his
phone until I remembered he wasn’t there. My phone was ringing, I barely got
calls and I never got a call at midnight. I answered it hoping it was a telemarketer
so I could drop the call and go back to sleep.
Other side: Hi this is Brian from Zia—
Me: no I’m not interested in buying your product.
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Brian: no… there’s this man here and he got really drunk and he wa—
I pulled away from Unamandla trying not to wake her, went to get a t-shirt to
wear, I got Thabo’s one first so I wore it.
Me: what’s his name?

I checked the number that was calling me and realised he was calling from
Thabo's phone.
Me: he’s my husband what’s going on?
Brian: just come get him I’ll send you the location.
He ended the call and sent me the location soon afterwards. I called Thuli and she
took 45 minutes to get to the manor but when she got there, I immediately left.
I drove as fast as I could when I got there, it was in Khayelitsha in front a shady
looking flat. There were wasn’t anybody there so I took the gun that stayed under
the seat with me. There was a man standing outside the flat, I hesitated to go to
him but I eventually did.
Me: hi, I’m looking for Brian he has my husband’s phone.
Him: they’re inside.

I followed him, threw the hallways I saw drops of blood, they were still fresh, I
wanted the man to walk faster so I could see if it wasn’t Thabo. He eventually got
to the room he was going to. I got inside the first thing I saw was Thabo being
bandaged around the rib, he had bruises everywhere, he had an icecube on his
left jaw. I wasn’t thinking rationally and I pulled the gun out pointing it at the guy
next to me.
Me: wha— what did you do to him!

Thabo picked up his arm and dropped it again.
Thabo: Nhlalo... Lo nguBrenden noma uBraun… they… assisted me, so you can put
the gun down.
I tucked the gun away and greeted them the right way.
Brian: Brian, that’s my brother Chris, we found your husband being beaten to
death by the west siders.
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Thabo: I was winning.
Me: (sarcastically) I believe you. That’s exactly why you’re bleeding and being
bandaged. Brian, thank you for assisting my husband I’ll see he gets what he
needs.
Chris helped Thabo stand up, his back was bruised whoever the west siders were
they gave him a real beating he could hardly walk. We got downstairs after a long
while of following Thabo as he stumbled over and over, he was drunk.
Brian: can I talk to you… alone.

We moved away from Thabo and Chris.
Brian: I’m a bar tender at the club your husband’s been visiting the past few days
and I’m worried about him, I shouldn’t intervene like this but he’s blowing his
money.
Me: I don’t like discussing these things with strangers, but thank you for
everything.
I got in the car but I didn’t know where the keys were, I really started panicking
recognising that we were in the shady side of town. I heard the sound of keys,
looking up I saw Chris holding them.
Chris: you weren’t thinking of leaving without giving us something right…
Me: you want money? Modest people really don’t existing anymore.
Chris: my brother doesn’t know what a valuable man your husband is.
Thabo got out of the car, I didn’t see where he got the gun from but when he got
to Chris he punched him then pulled out the gun.
Thabo: Who am I?
Chris: la… la… Langa.
Me: Thabo what the hell!

He cocked the gun in an instant.
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Thabo: you ever try any shit like this again, I won’t hesitate to pull the trigger. NX.
Chris stood up and ran back into the flat like his life depended on it. Thabo got
into the drivers seat.
Me: Thabo you can’t drive.
Thabo: Nhlalo get in the car and let me drive.
Me: where’s the car youeft with? You can drive that car.
He started the car.
Thabo: you wanna walk back home?
Me: no. And I also want to get to Unamandla before she wakes up, she needs me
to be there to feed her but if you drive I’m afraid we might end up in a car
accident then what?
He got out of the car and stood in front of the door.
Thabo: who’s child is Unamandla?
Me: she’s our child.
Thabo: What’s a home?
Me: are you just asking me random questions?
Thabo: a home is were a family lives, sometimes I wonder why you don’t call our
house your home.
Me: because it’s not my home.
Thabo: where is your home then?
Me: I don’t call it my home because it’s not my home! My home is where I grew
up, home is where my family is… I didn’t mean it like that.
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Thabo: fine. I’ll go to my home, to my children… they’re my family and I don’t

want to make you feel like you can’t go to your family and your home.
When it rains it pours. We were wet under the rain, he started the car while I
stood still, it came out wrong, or maybe I said it the way I always thought it was. I
hadn’t accepted that I had to grow up and make my own family. I had built a
family, I just thought of it as having a child but it was the first building block to a
family and I acknowledged that. Later that night when I told him how I felt and
what I actually meant he apologized for asking me those odd questions.
There was a moment when I stood in the rain waiting for the cars door to open
and for him to go back into his senses and let me drive. He was probably enjoying
watching me get wet[pun unintended]. He opened the door and went to the
passenger seat. We went back to the house, it was an awkward ride.
When we got to the house he showed me his wounds, it was bad, he was
stabbed. He didn’t want to talk about what happened, it was probably because he
want to say he got his ass whooped. He laid on his stomach while I cleaned and
bandaged the stab wounds on his back. I cleaned the wounds with gin, I knew it
was painful so he had a bottle of whiskey, constantly drinking it to get the pain
away. I had bandaged his last wound, I wanted to explain to him want I actually
meant by what I said.
Me: Thabo I didn’t mean what I said, about you not being my family.
Thabo: I’m tired can we talk about this in the morning?
Me: I won’t be long, so just let me say this. I… the only family I ever knew was the
family I have… well had back in Zambia. I never thought that one day I’d build my
own family… and it’s hard for me to acknowledge that because I still can’t believe
I’m married and that too to someone who a truly greatly care for and we have
children. They say home is where the heart is so I guess this is my home.
He kissed my forehead then he went to sleep, he slept in a different room that
Unamandla and I because he was drunk AF and he didn’t want to suffocate
Unamandla with his stench.
Next morning I got up earlier than Thabo and Unamandla I stayed in bed
collecting my thoughts. I really just wondered what really happened the night
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before. Why he left when we could have had sex all night long, I don’t want to
sound thirsty but I deserved some dick, I hadn’t spent so much time without sex
since the last time I had gonorrhoea.
Thabo: up so early.
Me: when you look at me do you want to do it…
Thabo: do what?
Me: do you still feel like you want to pick me up and put me onto bed.
Thabo: i…
Me: so no. Never mind about that what the hell! You leave without saying
anything and I get a call from a stranger telling me to come fetch my husband!
Where did you go?
Thabo: I went to bar and got drunk.
Me: then you got beat up by a gang. They could’ve killed you.
Thabo: but I’m still here.
Me: but what if you weren’t here? What if you came back into this house in a
coffin? It’s like you’re not even thinking of our family, what about the kids, what
about me?
Thabo: so now we’re a family? We’re only a family when you feel like it? No
Nhlalo.
Me: I’m just saying you have a drinking problem.
Thabo: I don’t have a problem.
Me: then for one night just be sober and be with your family.
Thabo: I need to go to work.
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Me: oh, fine we’ll continue this conversation in the car, Unamandla is going to see
her brother.
I could just imagine his smile, when we got to the apartment I wanted to rush to
go see him but Thabo held Unamandla. He walked slow! I understood it was
because he didn’t want any accident to happen but he was being a little dramatic
about it. We got to the third floor, I could see Olwethu’s room we were so close,
that was until as couple stopped us, saying Thabo and I look cute together and
that we make even cuter babies, we took the compliment with thankfulness. At
the door there was a man sitting there.
Thabo: Msizi! Ngik'qashele ukuthi uzolala la?
He stood up and turned around, it really was the Msizi I knew, the one Denise
cheated with, he was now working as a doorman for Thabo!
Me: Msizi, why is he here?
Thabo: he works here, since you took Olwethu out of the flat he isn’t safe. Msizi
needed a job and Olwethu needed a bodyguard.
Me: what is such a threat that you don’t want Olwethu to go outside.
Thabo: I’m his parent and I know what’s best for him.
I wasn’t going to contest what he said, I rather took Unamandla from him and
focussed on breast feeding Unamandla. It was the first time Olwethu would see
Unamandla I was excited for it.
Me: you know how bored Olwethu gets, TV isn’t that entertaining when you
watch it day in and day out.
Thabo: you can take him for a walk, putting him in danger just like you did last
time.
Me: I said I’m sorry for doing it and it’s not like we went to the park. We just
drove around town and we both know the only danger in that car is your gun.
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Thabo: what about at accidents? Hijackings? And traffic?
Me: since when does traffic apply as a danger?
Thabo: I know you’re not the safest driver ,were you even wearing seatbelts?
Me: maybe… maybe we were I don’t remember.

Olwethu got out of his room, it was like an automatic reaction that Thabo and I
held hands. Olwethu was surprised, he came straight for Unamandla. I had to
change her first. From one of the bedrooms I could hear Olwethu and Thabo
talking about soccer. The thought of Olwethu didn’t even get to go outside really
are me up inside. It made me wonder if that’s the life Unamandla was going to
live. I wasn’t going to let Unamandla roam freely while her brother was locked in
an apartment. As I got into Olwethu's room I saw him waving out of the window
at Thabo's car leaving.
Me: Olwethu… do you always wave goodbye to ubabakho?

He nodded his head smiling. I sat down next to him and he got to see Unamandla.
Olwethu: hi Unamadla, I’m Thandolwethu, your brother. You can call me Olwethu
and I’ll call you… Ama!
Ama, it was perfect, Unamandla did seem like a long word. Olwethu spent two
hours with Ama, I let him hold her, just like Thabo he made sure she didn’t fall. Of
course he did ask me how Ama got out of my womb. I had to lie, I never really
believed what mama told me when I asked her the same question. She told me
babies come from a helicopter and they were dropped to them in parachutes, I
didn’t believe it, so I told Olwethu that the doctors cut my stomach open and took
her out. I then proceeded to tell him about Ntando I wanted him to know he had
a brother.
Olwethu’s teacher got there, they carried on with their classes, Ama was asleep
and I made lunch. It was just a regular sandwich. After lunch I took Ama on a walk,
there was a nearby park, we went there and after a while came back.
I had just started breastfeeding Ama, Thabo walked in carrying a gift bag with
him, he came straight to me and kissed me, I wondered if it was for me, he was in
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a good mood, it was then that I noticed he wasn’t in a good mood for the past
week.
Me: is this for me?
Olwethu: Baba!
Thabo: Olwethu, I have a gift for you… your very own Xbox.
Olwethu scram so much he woke Ama up, I was happy for him and I little excited I
wanted to play it. The rest of the day flew away, Thabo ordered pizza and we had
our first family game night… it was a night to remember, we sat in front of the TV
the whole night. We stayed there the next day too. We left the next afternoon.
We got to the car, we didn’t have much luggage, I was going to drive. Before I
started the car the thought of Olwethu waving from his window. I knew Olwethu
would wave at us when the car was leaving.
Me: Thabo look up, Olwethu’s window.

He stayed silent before answering, “he was waving” I could hear the melancholy
in his tone.
Me: he always waves, it’s not right for him to stay here, seeing him for an hour a
day isn’t enough, he needs us. I think he should come live with us.
Thabo: he always waves?
Me: yes. I know he’s in some sort of danger but you have to choose between
keeping him safe or giving him a family.
He didn’t give me an answer but stayed silent. I was drowsy so when we got to
the house I went inside and fell asleep next to Ama. I assumed Thabo would do
something cute like cook and we’d spend the night together. When I woke up, I
looked at Ama, agh! She was so cute, cute doesn’t even start to describe her, I
looked at her I still couldn’t believe she was mine. I got hungry, it was like I could
smell the food. It was still noon round about 6pm, but it was actually there. It was
still noon, we sat down and ate dinner together. Ama was still asleep and Thuli
was at the hotel, so it was just him and I.
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Of course we did what couple’s do when they’re alone. I fell asleep on his chest,
listening to him breathing, Unamandla was a good child and slept through the
night but we called Thuli just for back-up, we deserved just one night together.
Then I thought of how low he had been that whole week, I just wished I knew
what was wrong, even when I asked him he didn’t want to say anything about it.
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Chapter 22
I woke, it was midnight and Thabo wasn’t in bed, I thought maybe he went to the
toilet. When I went downstairs only to find bottles of whiskey on the kitchen
counter, glass on the floor with drops of blood leading to the door. He left. After I
told him how I felt, he just left again. The anger I had, I knew if he walked through
the door at that moment I wasn’t going to waste my time telling him what to do
with his life. I went to get myself a bottle of whiskey, sat down in front of the beer
bottles, if he could get drunk nothing was stopping me. I remember screaming at
the top of my lungs “fuck you Thabo!” I got drunk, I guess I fell asleep there.
I was having an odd dream I was running away from something, there was loud
noise that woke me up. At first I couldn’t tell if it was from my dream or real life, I
already had a hangover, the noise made matters worse. I looked around and
behind me was a car! At first I just thought I was really drunk, I pinched myself
and with the pain realised there was a real car in the kitchen! I mean Thabo's car,
it was in the kitchen with all the bricks falling and turning the car into dents of
scrap. Thuli was standing next to me in as much shock as I had. Thabo came out of
the car woth his glasses left lense cracked, burping and he couldn’t even hold a
beer bottle , not again this time in front of Thuli, what was she going to think of us
as parents. I don’t know why I kept being his fool. He walked out of the car, I was
screaming at the guards for just standing there when the car came in and why
they weren’t helping him, two of them picked him up and took him to a bedroom.
His phone was ringing from the car, I already had suspicions of Thabo having an
affair, I answered the call waiting for my suspicions to be confirmed.
Other side: Langa, I told you I don’t do business with a woman! So if you want to
buy cocaine from me then you’ll have to see me so we can talk balls to balls.
It was a man and he was talking about cocaine so of course I was glad but also
confused. Business with a woman? That was sexist, my mind went back to a few
days back when Yvonne was having trouble with one of her clients being sexist.
Me: Kain?
Other side: great now who are you?
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Me: I’m Langa, just tell me where you are so we can talk ball to balls.
Other side: come meet me at The casino.

He ended the call, I told Thuli to look after Unamandla, I was going to see what
the hell was going on in Thabo's life.
I got to The Casino like all casino's there were gamblers trying their luck for a win
and a lot of alcohol to go around. I heard Kain talking, he had an unmissable voice.
I turned around and walked to him, he was surrounded by girls and body guards
carrying guns. I sat down next to him and looked at him, he was way older than
me, he had a rusty voice, a Van Diesel body and a Brad Pitt face to go with it,
actually handsome in all meaning.
Kain: Kain and you are…

He looked at me with this charm in his eyes, and kissed my hand I couldn’t stop
thinking of what a sexist he was.
Me: I’m Langa, I’m here strictly for business.
Kain: why is your brother so afraid to talk to me that he’d put his sister in danger,
you are his sister right either that or—
Me: I’m married to him. Time for me to ask the questions, how much do you want
for the drugs?
Kain: I plan on leaving South Africa and going back to Mexico, I might make a pit
stop to Italy or Rome, I wouldn’t mind leaving with you.
Me: I just need the price of the drugs.
Kain: we both know you’re not here for the drugs you’re here for the man
himself.
I got angry and I stood up.

Me: stop being fucking sexist and tell me the price!
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Kain: woman with character, now let’s talk business. How do I know you’re not
working with the cops?
Me: how do I know you’re not working with the cops?

He grinned trying to charm his way out of my question,
Kain: if you leave with me tonight I promise to give you more than Langa even
will… after all it must take a man to meet such a smart woman’s needs.
Me: too bad I left that man back at home.
Kain: Te convertiré en mi octava esposa. Obtendrás todo lo que siempre quisiste.
Me: lástima que no me gusta compartir. Un hombre de tu edad no puede

manejarme.
I knew a little Spanish. He was surprised and maybe that’s why he started taking
me serious.
Kain: let’s talk business then. I want 25K for a brick.
Me: how many bricks do I want?
Kain: two thousand.

That was R50 million! I did like all businessmen do and I tried getting a lower
price. The years of watching my father was put to use.
Me: I hear you, what if we say 15K per brick?
Kain: If you want the best then you’ll have to pay.
Me: 18K?
Kain: 24K
There was going back and fourth with the price until he agreed to 22K I left the
casino and drove back to the house constantly thinking of what I did, I was buying
drugs from a Mexican drug lord, this was what Thabo did, all these secret talks,
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the briefcases and the guns. I got back to the house, I couldn’t sleep, I sat on the
sofa blankly watching the house being repaired and the car being towed away.
Next morning Thuli and Unamandla woke up, she was a week old now, there was
that constant remainder that Ntando had been gone for a week. I could never
really see Unamandla without remembering Ntando.
I spent the morning with Unamandla, bathing her, changing her and watching her
as she slept, I had never smiled that much in my entire life. It felt like I was
breathing in joy, it was worth the all the mornings I spent with my head in the
toilet, all the foot aches, the cramps, the labour pains and the birth pain. This is
what motherhood felt like. When she woke up a was still there next to her, I fed
her then we went to the kitchen so I could rehydrate, breastfeeding was weird, it
made me breast twice as big as before and something made them hard but for
the sake of Ama I tried to ignore it.
Thabo came to the kitchen with his hands on his head.

Me: look who finally decided to wake up.
Thabo: Ibabalaza engnayo! Nhlalo can you make me a cup of coffee.

I gave Unamandla to Thuli and pulled Thabo into the pantry.
Thabo: morning nyana? Nix? I have one hell of a hangover so can I just get
painkillers and coffee then we can talk about whatever you’re angry about.
I locked the door and took the key.

Me: I want to talk to you now.
Thabo: ok I’m listening.
Me: last night you left me with Unamadla, went to get drunk and drove drunk
after I told how I feel about that! Then you come back and drive into the wall!
Thabo! I don’t want to be afraid for your kids whenever you leave the house, I
don’t want to sit here thinking if you’re not on the road dead somewhere because
you were drunk driving!
Thabo: the cancer is going to kill me if drunk driving doesn’t.
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Me: that’s all you have to say? You won’t die… if you don’t want to die… Thabo
I’m standing here and I’m listening.
Thabo: well I’m sorry, the day Unamadla and Ntando were born… 23 years ago on
the same day that was when I lost my whole family and in the last month the
attacks on my life just make it seem like I’m meant to die now. Ntando’s death
just made it clearer that I’m a failure as a father, brother, a son and a grandson.
Me: you’re not a failure you couldn’t control what happened to you in the past
you were just a child and gogo's death wasn’t your fault, Thabo look at me. (he
did) you still have another son and a daughter waiting for you to protect them
and I’m telling you right now you are not a bad husband.
He got up from the chair and hugged me.
Thabo: I’ll try being better for you and for the kids.
Me: that’s actually not what I wanted to talk to you about… last night when you
crashed into the kitchen you left your phone there, there was a call from Kain… I
know what you do.
Thabo: you know? Why are you still standing here then?
Me: I vowed to stay with you threw thick and thin.
Thabo: I don’t think you did? I think your vows were more like for better and for
worse.
Me: same difference… why didn’t you tell me before?
Thabo: well… I told Nomalanga about me selling drugs and she became an addict,
you were already fighting your battle with drugs I assumed it wouldn’t be the best
idea to tell you I have bricks of them stashed in warehouses.
Me: Kain and I came to an agreement that R22 000 a brick.
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Thabo: you just saved us 6 million, I didn’t know my wife was a great
businesswoman.
Me: who is us? I already know about what you do, I want to know who you do it
with.
Thabo: after breakfast.

We came out of the pantry just ok, it didn’t seem like there was something wrong,
I don’t think there was anything wrong, we talked it through. We sat and ate
breakfast, I ate my breakfast while breastfeeding Unamandla. When we were
done I went to the bedroom to suck the milk out for the day, it was weird so I
preferred to not show anyone how I got the milk out.
“Nhlalo… wenzani?”
Thabo came in and froze at the door, he kept on looking at my breasts.
Me: I’m milking myself.
Thabo: wait so this is how… wow. Your boo—
Me: they’re filled with milk to feed your child.

He picked up a cup of milk and had a sip.
Thabo: this is really good.
Me: that came out of my boobs sies.
Thabo: that makes it taste better.

He left with the cup of milk and it came back empty and he was carrying a bowl of
cereal. I was not putting myself threw that uncomfortable process just for him to
get milk for his cereal.
Thabo: women should sell this, I’d buy it everyday and drink it like water.
Me: Thabo that’s Ama's milk and unless you want me to stop breastfeeding her
and start giving her those formulas then you’ll stop.
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Thabo: just one cup a day, ngyak'cela KaMabizela.

I agreed to one cup a week, or else he was going to become a weirdo going
around buying random breastmilk. When I was done, we put Unamandla to sleep.
After that we sat in the backyard, he was smoking and I was drinking water.
Thabo: Daniels has his side, he deals with the Cape flats, all the townships out
there, we have the rich side, we supply all the rich Mama’s boy’s out there, you
know the Zweli’s of Cape town. My dealers can’t go to his side and Daniels he
can’t deal on my side.
Me: let me guess… you’re planning to take his turf?
Thabo: no! I stay loyal to the deal we have… but nothing stopping customers from
coming to my side and with this order coming up, Daniels won’t have anyone to
sell his cheap shit to.
Me: you are a diabolical mastermind. How much are you gonna make from this
order?
Thabo: hundreds of millions or maybe even a few billions.
Me: then after that you’ll stop?
Thabo: I’ll have the whole of Cape town eating from my hands why would I?
Me: a man with nothing to loose is the most dangerous kind, Daniels might fall
but what if he attacks your family again, us.
Thabo: that’s why he’s going to die.
Me: I’m not against what you do but murdering a person for business purposes!
That’s a different kind of low.
Thabo: dealing with drugs and having to murder amathe nolimu.
Me: but Unamandla and Olwethu deserve a normal life without being kept away
from the world because of your greed.
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Thabo: Daniels is an old man who’s lived his life.
Me: I don’t remember marrying God, he’s the only one who has the right to take
away lives.
I was a hypocrite but I just didn’t want Daniels to attack again, I didn’t want
anybody else to die the way uGogo did.
Thabo: Daniels should’ve thought of that before he killed uGogo.

I was reminded of that feeling when I stood next to Gogo's grave the promise I
made myself, the pain unravelled itself again. Just like that my opinion was
changed.
Me: Daniels killed Gogo?... I want to be there when he dies. But for now I just
want to know who you work with.
He sat there for a few minutes fiddling with his phone.
Thabo: let’s go then.

We got to the car, Thabo never drove the VW, I just figured he didn’t like the car
but it served him right, he was the one that drove his beloved Maserati into the
wall.
Me: you can’t drive.
Thabo: I’ve had my licence for 12 years.
Me: but you need glasses.
Thabo: oh! You also can’t drive then, you also need glasses and you don’t have a
license.
Me: I can drive… but I actually don’t have a license. Wow, it took me a year to
realise that.
Thabo: it’s either I drive and take the risk of getting a ticket or you drive and take
a risk of being arrested.
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Me: … your eyesight isn’t that bad right?

He started the car, by the time we got to the busy roads then he told of the time
he missed a step and fell down the stairs because he wasn’t wearing glasses, he
was pulling my finger, or I was about to get into a car accident. We drove for a
long while but that was probably because of traffic, after some time we got to a
hotel. I had heard of the Gregory hotel chain, they were my mother’s go to hotel.
It was probably because she knew she wouldn’t bump into one of Baba’s side
dishes, they cost thousands for just a night, I was a bit confused what we were
doing there.
Thabo: you don’t mind leaving Ama with Thuli tonight?
Me: why?
We got to the hotel room… wow, no wonder they cost so much, I closed the door
behind me, I turned around and Thabo was in front of me, I did the get a chance
to react, he started kissing me, interlocking our fingers, the build up all heading to
a tempestuous explosion. undressing me, touching me in all the right places. I
thought I was stronger than this but when he kissed me just right and touched
that weak spot, I forgot my anger for the time being. No wonder I missed sex.
Afterwards I laid on the sofa smiling like fool, Thabo ordered brandy he was in
the kitchen getting drunk.
Me: I haven’t spent so much time without sex since the time I had gonorrhoea.
He laughe me.
Thabo: yazi kodwa uyalayeka, but I think I’ve spent a longer time without sex
when I had syphilis.
Me: I’ve had hepatitis B! So I hold the record.
Thabo: you can’t heal that… are you even taking pills for it? Should I be worried
about my genitals?
Me: I’m just joking! But did you really have syphilis?
Thabo: no. The worst thing to happen to my genitals is being sucked too hard.
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There was a knock on the door, we didn’t even welcome the person in but she
came in, Thabo was shirtless but I was naked! I put his vest on in the nick of time.
Yvonne: when CC told me you two checked in I just had to come see you… and of
course you were— busy.
Yvonne came in and sat next to me. That was when I saw one of the condoms we
used next to her! Thabo saw it too that was why he called her to the kitchen that
gave me a chance clean up. She came back and shook my hand, I hadn’t even
washed it yet.
Yvonne: Nhlalo! Welcome to the business.

She wasn’t smiling, she just didn’t want to show she didn’t agree with Thabo.
Me: thank you, I look forward to doing a better job than you… that’s just a joke!
We didn’t laugh, Thabo tried to lighten up the mood by offering us wine, of
course we refused, he went to the bathroom.
Yvonne: Nhlalo I hope you’re coping with Ntando’s death.

That was low even for her, she couldn’t bring up anything else? I ignored her.
Yvonne: so I’m interested in knowing how you got that sexist to talk business with
you… or he just isn’t interested in— you.
Me: I could be in Italy getting married to that sexist, wife number 8. But I’m happy
where I am and people like me who act their age seem to get respect faster.
Thabo was still in the bathroom, luckily he didn’t hear the shade we were
throwing at each other believe me she was this close to from bringing out the
claws.
Yvonne: or maybe some people spread or legs as easily as they open their mouth.
Me: he didn’t offer you the 8th wife position did he? It’s probably because he
doesn’t want to fuck a wrinkled vagina.
Yvonne: huh. Funny how this vagina's the same one your daddy went down on.
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That was the last straw. I pulled out a gun faster than Usain on the track. Nobody
disrespects my father, it was these type of talks that stained my father’s image,
they just couldn’t let the man rest in peace.
Me: get out. Get out of my fucking room.
Yvonne: this suite doesn’t belong to you. This is my hotel.
Me: but it’s mine for the night. I’ll be spreading these same legs all night.
I went to the bathroom determined to do what I said, I got inside, locked the
door, I turned around only to find out Thabo was taking a shit.
Thabo: manje you wanna wipe my ass or…
Me: sies, no.

He got me out of the mood, I left the toilet and went to the balcony to smoke, I
missed smoking but I wasn’t admitting to being a full on smoker again. I couldn’t
hear footsteps coming towards me, I didn’t bother to look back because it was
only Thabo and I in the room. I felt his hands making their way around my waist,
he pushed me forward before pulling me back into his arms, yoh! I didn’t expect it
I dropped my cigar, well it wasn’t mine to start with.
Thabo: I thought you said you quit smoking.
Me: correction. I said smoking everyday, in front of Ama… wait so this hotel
belongs to Yvonne?
Thabo: She is thee Yvonne Gregory.

I had to give it to Yvonne having a whole empire of hotels must be hard work she
needed to be given credit for it.
Me: so you have nothing to say about you scaring that cigar out of have hand? Did
you even wash your hands?
Thabo: Mina angifani nje ngawe. I can apologise… or I can show you how 'sorry' I
am.
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When he was done showing me how sorry he was we went the parking lot of the
hotel, I didn’t even bother asking where we were going, I just carried on following
him. He proceeded past the reception and went into an elevator, there were 6
floors to the building, the underground parking lot included. He pushed the red
button a minute later it opened.
It was a long passageway there were with 3 doors, meaning 3 rooms outside each
room stood guards ready with guns. I wanted to know what was going on in those
rooms, I went to the first one. Thabo kept on looking over his shoulder for me,
until he stopped me at the door of the first room and held my hands.
Thabo: promise me you won’t go back into being an addict.
Me: I promise you I won’t, I’ve gone too far to relapse and I have too much to
loose.
Thabo: if you feel tempted or if you can’t handle it just tell me.
He opened the door for me, it felt like another world. It was a large room with
machines moving around pills and powders, everybody had a breathing mask on,
even me. The pills and powders were being packaged into bricks being wrapped in
tinfoil and sealed in duck tape by men wearing white overalls and gloves.
Thabo: you still fine?

He was really concerned, if it was up to him he’d be holding my hand like I was a 4
year old crossing the road. I nodded my head telling him I was fine. I was fine but I
couldn’t breathe under the mask. I needed air, I wasn’t used to wearing a
breathing mask, I stood outside the room. The elevator opened I was interested in
knowing who was in it, it was that annoying ass manchild, Loyiso, he came out
carrying the same old briefcase, he looked surprised to see me.
Loyiso: coconut ulahkekile?
Me: do I look lost?.

Then I noticed that leather glove again, it suddenly made sense. I shot one of the
kidnappers finger off, at some point one of the kidnappers called me coconut,
Loyiso tried killing Thabo!
Me: Loyiso. Why do you suddenly wear a glove?
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Loyiso: Coconut, you don’t know what’s in style?
Me: no. But I think it’s because a few weeks ago I shot your finger off when you
attempted to murder my husband. Take off the glove and prove me wrong.
He didn’t, he proved me right, but I needed the satisfaction of it, I pulled the glove
off. His whole ring finger was missing.
Loyiso: what would you do? That husband of yours is a selfish basta—
I slapped him.
Me: that’s for trying to kiss me and referring to the man who feeds your family as
a bastard.
Loyiso: he makes more than 50 mill. a year and you know what I get after I do all
the dirty work for him? R2 million! A year! And not to add this order might make
him a billionaire and I’ll be left begging him for his petty cash.
Me: if it wasn’t for Thabo then where would you be? So appreciate what you get.
He laughed straight to my face.
Loyiso: coconut, beware of a man with many dimensions… you never know if one
of them have hurt you.
He got into the room, the door opened again that time Thabo came out.
Thabo: I heard Loyiso screaming, what was he saying?
Me: he was just showing me the bathroom.

I left and went to the bathroom, I thought I quit smoking but there I was smoking
Thabo's cigar, it was all too much for one day. I went out if the bathroom and told
Thabo I wanted to go see Unamandla I missed her. We got in the car I wondered
why Thabo kept Loyiso even after he shot him.
Me: do you know who shot you a few weeks ago?
Thabo: Daniels.
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I heard of the name before, just couldn’t remember from when. It wasn’t my
place to tell him Loyiso shot him and I wasn’t sure of my suspicion or maybe
Thabo already knew Loyiso shot him and maybe they sorted things out.
Me: who is this Daniels? I always hear the name and I wouldn’t even know if this
man has been following me or if he’s the guy that delivers our grocery.
Thabo: he’s an old coloured man with dreads and a moustache.
Me: you’re joking right?
Thabo: I’m being dead serious, he has dreadlocks and a moustache, funny story
Kenneth and Daniels made a bet back when I was a teen, it was that the person
who grew a bushy moustache first would get to take an eighth of the others area.
Me: isn’t Kenneth Yvonne’s husband?
Thabo: oh yeah, but back then they were friends and the families were close.
Kenneth won, and on the day he got the area… him and some buyers… (deep
breathe) they were killed in a drive by shooting. The car I was in was stopped by
traffic cops… so if it wasn’t I’d be dead. What gets to me is the fact that I saw him
driving away with grin threw the smoke and gunpowder.
Me: I’m sorry you had to see that.

I put my hand over the one he wasn’t using, our hands interlocked, our hands
hugged, but it wasn’t for long because he had to change the gear.
Thabo: but he’s just our rival, about a year ago we were having negotiations on
becoming one it was going well until he killed Kevin, Gail’s husband and her child.
Since then there’s been a war brewing.
They were going to make peace, a part of me was guilty for stopping them from
making peace but another felt glad because Daniels sounded like an unloyal old
man with dreadlocks and a moustache. I wished I could tell him I did it but then
he’d know I was also responsible for Wynne’s disappearance. I started a war.
Me: did you strike back?
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Thabo: Daniels owns a construction company so we blew up his biggest project.

He didn’t take it lightly and he sent people to kill ugogo.
Me: you did something about it, right? Gogo didn’t deserve to die that way and
she deserves to be avenged.
Thabo: no, but with the order I have coming he’ll be out of business.
There was a phone ringing, of course it wasn’t mine, it was Thabo's I answered it
for him, it was Msizi, I was surprised they still talk even after Denise. I answered
the phone he was breathing on the speaker of the phone I couldn’t hear a thing
but it sounded like something serious, I panicked for a while it didn’t make sense
what he was saying.
Me: Msizi! I can’t hear you speak up.
Msizi: Mashudu!
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Chapter 23
There was a sound that followed, a sound I knew all too well, it was a gun shot.
The car then made a U-turn we were going to Olwethu. I don’t know how fast he
was driving. This was the first time I was afraid of getting into a car accident.
Me: what’s going on!
Thabo: call an ambulance.
Me: what’s going on?
Thabo: just call an ambulance!

I called for an ambulance, before I was even done with the call we were there. I
didn’t know what was going on, I followed Thabo when he ran into the building,
people scram when they saw the gun he held in his hands. We got to the third
floor, Msizi was on the floor I didn’t see where he was shot because the moment I
saw him there I thought of Olwethu.
Thabo: Thandolwethu!
He went to his bedroom and I went to the kitchen. He was rolled up in the corner
hiding behind the mop. I could hear Thabo screaming telling me the wheelchair
was empty. Olwethu was on the floor, I could imagine him dragging himself to
safety.
Olwethu: Nhlalo…
Me: you’re safe now.

I got on my knees hugging him, he cried on my shoulders as I carried him to
Thabo. When Thabo saw him, I could see the relief he had, from the looks of the
damage he was turning the room upside down. I looked around, sympathizing
with Olwethu, it could’ve been me. The emotions got too much, I sat down, took
a deep breathe and it all came out. Thabo sat next to me and held my hand.
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Olwethu: baba, angeke ungishiye futhi?

Thabo looked at me for a long time, I assumed he was thinking.
Thabo:….never again.
I nodded my head showing agreement of his decision. I went to the bathroom,
opened the door I heard a weird sound but ignored it I really needed to pee. I got
in closed the door, to find a man behind the door he put his finger on his lips and
a gun in his other hand. I just froze thinking of what I should do. I looked around
me and when he turned around for that split second I grabbed a toothbrush
hiding it up my sleeve. It was better than nothing, I felt the cold metal on the
temple of my skin, his arm hooked around my neck
Me: you can leave right now, I’ll give you a head start… my husband is out there
and he sees you then you won’t get out of this hotel alive.
Him: you’re not in a position to beg, bitch.

I kept my arms up still hiding the toothbrush, he pulled me up before pushing me
out the door, which led me colliding with the wall. I didn’t get a chance to regroup
he pulled me up from the floor dragging me with him threw the passage.
Him: Sesifukike iskathi mfokaLanga!

I felt deaf, I couldn’t hear anything but the ringing, I shook my head and I could
hear again.
Thabo: Mashudu, cela umdedele, lento iphakathi kwami nawe.

He pulled harder on my neck, my head felt heavier by the second.
Mashudu: ngifuna ingane yam! Wena swine.
Thabo: ngeke iyenzeke leyo, ngamthembisa uNoma ukuthi angeke umthole

uOlwethu.
Mashudu was Olwethu father, he was the man who abused Nomalanga, I could
feel anger growing like it was between my fists. Men like him disgust me! Who
would raise their hand to the mother of their children.
Mashudu: Mnotho, mfanami woza Kubaba.
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Olwethu held onto Thabo's hand even harder. This was my chance, he was
distracted. I pulled the toothbrush out and with as much pressure as I could,
stabbed him, he let got of me, I dragged myself to Thabo. Looking forward, I saw
Olwethu crying, I also felt like crying, I was going to cry if it wasn’t for the
screaming the was behind me. I held Olwethu covering him from what was
happening behind us. Thabo was fighting Mashudu, I could hear their deep
breathes behind me. Heavy vibrations made it feel like bodies were being thrown
onto the floor over and over. Until Mashudu ran past me running out of the room.
I could hear the ambulance sirens. There was so much blood around around me.
Oh no!
Me: Thabo… Thabo tell me if you’re fine.

I couldn’t let go of Olwethu, Thabo wasn’t responding, I started thinking of the
worst scenarios in my head. I closed my eyes…
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Chapter 24
“Nhlalo... Nhlalo”
I opened my eyes, looking around the room, I was in hospital, where was
Olwethu!
“Nhlalo”
Someone shook me, Thabo was standing in front of me, he was talking to me,
saying something I couldn’t hear because if the ringing in my ear, he hugged me.
“– you nearly died”
Me: my head hurts… are you fine? Olwethu… and Olwethu? Uphi uOlwethu? And
Ama? What happened to Mashudu? And Msizi?
Thabo: so many questions, you just woke up. Olwethu and Ama are fine and their
with Thuli back home. Mashudu got away, Msizi's in ICU… and I’m fine.
Me: where are my actual clothes?

I was wearing those hospital dresses.
Thabo: you were bleeding so… of course they changed your bloody clothes.
He sat down and told me how I was bleeding from my head, I fell unconscious and
the paramedics took me to hospital. He was also out cold, I could just imagine
how scared Olwethu was. I wanted to see my daughter and see how Olwethu
was.
Me: so is Mashudu. He’s Olwethu’s father?

He nodded his head and lit a cigar.
Me: you see that sign on the wall. It says no smoking zone.
Thabo: I don’t have my glasses here and I can’t read without them.
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Me: I should’ve trusted you about not taking Olwethu out. I guess what happened
was my fault.
Thabo: you made me realise there is nothing more I can do to protect him from
Mashudu, but I can give him quality of life.
I don’t know what led me to go to Msizi’s hospital room but I was there, standing
near his hospital bed. It was raining, the rain reminded me of uBaba, I missed him.
It was nearly a year since they died, mama and him, they wouldn’t believe how
much I’d matured. Msizi seemed really critical, there were machines all over him.
A nurse came in to change the blood bag.
Her: are you Mr Nkosi's relative?
Me: no I’m hi… he worked for me. Wait! Can you say what you said again!
Her: are you Mr Nkosi’s relative…

Msizi… Msizi Nkosi. The third murderer was Msizi Nkosi. He murdered my
mother! He started opening his, I asked the nurse if we could have some alone
time. She got out and I blocked the door with a chair.
Msizi: mamguluvakazi, wenzani la?
Me: Msizi. You loved your girlfriend right?
Msizi: … no, I loved Denise. Where is this going?
Me: I’ll do you a favour and make sure your next to her grave.
Msizi: ukhuluma ngani?
Me: I know what you did to my mother and sister Msizi, I’m karma and I’m about
to strike.
Msizi: Nhlalo, you wouldn’t want to kill me. I know everybody who was involved
in it.
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Me: I guess I should sit down and beg you to tell me who the fuck pulled the
trigger on my mother! NX. Msizi you’re going to die anyway it’s your decision if
you want it to be your funeral or your whole family’s funeral..
Msizi: I’m not talking.
Me: ok here’s a better deal, your whole family’s death and Denise’s family on top
of that… Msizi you have no choice tell me who the fourth person is.
Msizi: Sonke siyafa ekugcineni, these threats don’t scare me.

I clicked my tongue and pressed my fingers on his wound, he was in pain, his
heartbeat got faster, I didn’t care if he was going to die from a heart attack. I
should have been more careful but I just wanted to get the name of the fourth
killer so I could finish all of them off so I could carry on with life, so I could raise
my child without any regrets. He was struggling to breathe, he was fading! I got
my hand out of his wound and he caught his breathe, slugging in discomfort.
Me: have you made your choice yet?
Msizi: …it doesn’t matter who murdered your mother… it won’t help you
anywhere if you don’t know the whole truth. Stop searching. This is bigger than
your mother and father… you might not like what you find.
Me: whole truth my foot! I will kill your family if you don’t tell who the fuck
helped you murder my mother.
I stuck my whole hand in his wound, he scram out the name of the fourth killer,
“Loyiso!” I took my hand out of his wound but by then he was dead. I always
knew there was something off about Pretty boy, he killed my mother and sister
and after that still had the nerve to shoot my husband. My vengeance never
forgets. I left the hospital room with my hands dripping in blood, I got in the car, I
didn’t have the keys so I started it with the wires.
Loyiso was going to pay for what he did! I drove his house, when I got there I
knocked on the door. But nobody was answering. I sat on a chair in the backyard
to start off he tried killing Thabo after he murdered my mother and still had the
audacity to come look into my eyes and lie straight to my face, he was going to
get the fury of my revenge fresh out of the oven. I heard the door opening, I
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stood up and waited to get a clear shot at Loyiso. I didn’t hear footsteps… there
was breathing I could hear it, I looked inside, then I though even if the person was
inside I wouldn’t hear them breathe. I turned around, dammit I had the biggest
shot of my life. There was a man standing in front of me with a gun in his hands.
He pulled out another gun and pointed it at me. I felt like I was hyperventilating, I
was really sweating thinking of how I’d get out of that corner.
I stood frozen, the man was a hitman I could tell by the gun he had with him, by
the time my hand reached my pockets I’d be dead, fighting him wouldn’t help
because the man was macho he had his biceps had veins popping.
Him: Nhlalo Langa? Time to die.

I stood there thinking of not being able to raise Ama, I still had so much to live for,
damn Thabo and still hadn’t gone on honeymoon— I still had so much to live for, I
had to fight, that’s why I threw the first punch, he didn’t believe it but he did
when he received the second one. He knew I wasn’t playing. We were keeping
each other from getting the guns. I got my fair share of a beating, he fought like
he was fighting a man. I was thrown to the wall then he pressed his arm against
my neck strangling me, it wasn’t going to end that way. A low blow got him on his
knees, that was my chance. I got the guns. We were sweating and tired from the
fight, I was catching my breathe.
A silent gunshot released, I fell to the ground, started breathing deeply, saving my
breathes, I felt the ground shake, the hitman had fallen. Confused I checked
myself, it was surprising I hadn’t felt any pain yet, I raised my head only to realise
it was the Hitman that was shot. I stood up touching myself, I honestly couldn’t
believe it! I didn’t have time to soak in the victory, I had to clean the scene. I took
everything that had my DNA from the gun to his phone. The man was hired by
someone I was interested to know exactly who it was. I wore the hitman’s jacket,
walking out of the yard trying to be unnoticed, by then I had forgotten all about
what I actually went there to do.
When I had gotten a clear distance away from the house, I checked the phone. I
don’t know why I was surprised when I saw Yvonne’s number in the recently
contacted list. This was low even for her, I was going to her with full force and the
thought of dying fuelling my flame. I got to the hotel, the receptionists, CC told
me Yvonne was on her way back from golf, I decided I’d wait for her in her office.
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She came in talking to the phone, she sat down not even noticing I was in the
room, but I didn’t blame her she thought I would be dead by then. I didn’t mean
to get distracted by her conversation but she was talking to Gail, Gail was asking
her for money, and honestly sounded miserable— I felt empathy for her. I
murdered her child and she returned the favour but I was carrying on with life
and she had to run away from her life. I hoped someday, one day she’d carry on
and be happy without guilt but far from me. Yvonne ended the call and I was
there behind her ready to scare the Botox out of her.
Me: Yvonne. Are you surprised I’m still alive?

She turned around, she looked like she had seen a ghost. I smiled cheerfully as I
pushed the gun onto her temples. She panicked, I wanted her to panic. She stood
up shaking.
Yvonne: Nhlalo! What are you doing here?

I took off the jacket and threw it to her.
Me: you can send that to your hitman's family as a condolence.
Yvonne: Nhlalo! Hitman you really think I’d get you killed? What do you take me
for?
Me: don’t make me a fool! Yvonne. Isn’t it enough that your daughter killed my
son now you don’t even want me to raise Ama!
Yvonne: we both know it was an eye for an eye. And Unamandla is better off
without you. You know I liked Denise. She was better than you in every way and
Noma— she was just an angel and I’m sure Thabo will move on from you. Do you
really think he loves you? Huh! He’s only in this rubbish marriage for Unamand—
I pulled the trigger, she fell. Shit! I thought I killed her, I got closer to her seeing
blood. I don’t know what got into me, I was bewildered by emotions. I stood there
thinking: what would Thabo do when he finds out I killed her? He might leave
with Ama and Olwethu, that couldn’t happen and it wasn’t. I was ready to get rid
of her body, dump it somewhere and swallow the guilt that would come with it. I
turned her body over, damn was I glad to see her blinking, then I realised I shot
her on her shoulder. I wore a grin, thanking my lucky stars.
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Yvonne: so you’re going to kill me? Child so many people tried to they all failed.
Me: I can’t kill you yet, you have so much to fix before you die. Take your phone
and call off the bids. Now!
She picked up her phone, her hands shaking, she nearly dropped the phone. She
made the call, calling off that God forbidden event. I knew I had regained a small
part of being a woman back.
Yvonne: you can kill me now but just know that would change the fact that you’re
a pathetic lonely girl trying to find love in all the wrong places.
Me: SHUT UP! Just shut the fuck up! I’m tired, NGIKHATHELE! Listening to your
taunts and every time I see you just remind me of Gail… you know what you’ll tell
Thabo you wanna go on another vacation or you stop acting the part of the Drug
queen.
Yvonne: Drug Queen— child I’m an empress
Me: and I’m the drug lord. So I suggest you go to hospital get some stitches and
forget that I shot you.
I walked out of the room, going underground to get the order ready. The first load
had been delivered, it surprised me how I dived into the business so easily.
Thabo came in, I could tell he was furious.

Me: what it is?
He couldn’t even stand in one place, he was pacing around me, making me even
more dizzy. He called for the head guards to gather in the conference room. I
didn’t even know there was a conference room, I followed him out room one he
got into room 2, it was the conference room, it made me wonder what the third
room had. He sat down on the chair that stood alone at the end of the room.
Thabo: you weren’t discharged. Why are you here?
Me: I feel okay so I left.
Thabo: you’re not going back there, you’re going home getting in bed and getting
some rest.
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Me: after you tell me what’s happening.
Thabo: Msizi was found dead in hospital and Loyiso just told me there’s a body of
one of our distributors at his house.
I killed Msizi and that hitman, did he know it was me?
Me: and… what’s going to happen now?
Thabo: Daniels wants a fight were bringing him one.

All the guards came in following each other, Thabo started speaking telling them
exactly what he told me, he wanted war with Daniels, a war he didn’t even cause.
I got in the car thinking of how I fucked up. I killed Kevin, Wayne, Msizi, that
hitman and soon Loyiso would die. I thought of it again how could 3 of the 4
murderers know Thabo? My mind started thinking if one of those men could have
been Thabo I didn’t want to entertain that thought too much, if Thabo was in any
way involved Msizi have told me. The people I had murdered were so many, I
never thought I would be the Grim Reaper, but Kevin, Msizi and Lakhiwe deserved
to die and that hitman was trying to kill me it was self defence and Wayne I was
just getting rid of evidence so I wasn’t a murderer— I was just righting the
wrongs.
With that thought off my mind, I left. When saw Ama and Olwethu together in the
manor, it was a small victory for me. Oh! When I held Unamandla it felt like I was
holding her for the first time, she was nearly a month by then but she still looked
like an angel. I really wondered who the people in uniform were, there were 4
people walking around the house some in the kitchen cooking even. The woman
who was holding Ama was still sitting there.
Me: Who are you?
Her: Georgia Samuels professional caretaker, you must be Mrs Langa.
Me: where’s Thuli and who hired you?
Georgia: Thuli's on leave, we are the people Mr Langa hired, that guy’s the chef
and they’re— they clean the house.
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I went to my bedroom but it was painted blue and had action figures of
superheroes everywhere. Olwethu came in and took one of the action figures.
Olwethu: like my room? Baba said he’s going to paint all my favourite
superheroes and soccer teams.
Me: he did all of this. You really must be happy, so do you like your new home?
Olwethu: it’s really big and I get to see Baba a lot but he’s always holding Ama so I
don’t have anyone to play my videogames with.
Me: what about the chef or Georgia, they seem nice.
Olwethu: baba says I shouldn’t bother the staff and he doesn’t want me to eat ice
cream for dessert.
Me: don’t worry when I’ll make sure you get your ice cream.
I left the room, I hadn’t walked far from it when I heard Olwethu shouting out, “I
missed you!” I heard him but wasn’t sure what to say so I carried on walking. I
should’ve said something. I went upstairs looking for my belongings and where
our new room was, I looked like I was lost. In my search I got into Ama's room and
found her sitting quietly just staring at the curtains. I took her with me on my
search. I had searched all the rooms upstairs except for Ntando’s room. I stood
outside the door hesitating like I always did, I knew what was inside but I just
hoped when I opened d it I’d find my child sleeping in his crib.
“You also can’t open it?”

It was Thabo, I looked at him with a plain expression and shrugged my shoulders.
Me: Olwethu would like to have ice cream sometimes and he’d appreciate if his
father could play with him a little more… no pressure though.
Thabo: Olwethu can’t eat ice cream, he’ll get sick and I’ve been busy with work
but I will try to play with him more.
I followed him downstairs to the guestroom, I actually liked the way it looked.
That was our new room for a man his style wasn’t too bad. Thabo played with
Ama while I played a few rounds against Olwethu.
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We had dinner and it was time for everyone to go to sleep. The staff left after
they were done with their job. Olwethu was asleep and Ama too. It was just
Thabo and I who couldn’t sleep. We were laying in bed.
Me: Where were you?
Thabo: I had to get the guns for th—
Me: you’re not thinking of starting this gangwar.
Thabo: I’m not starting it but I am finishing it.
Me: today when I held Ama again I was glad I didn’t die, she needs us. What I’m
trying to say is that you might die, what about Olwethu and Ama then?
Thabo: cancer’s gonna kill me anyway.

I was honestly tired of his act, he was acting like he wouldn’t live. I reached into
the drawer next me, took out a gun and gave it to him.
Me: if you really don’t want to live just shoot yourself and stop being a drama
queen.
Thabo: I won’t shoot myself.
Me: but it’s ok if some drug addict hired by Daniels does?
Thabo: at least I’ll die fighting.
Me: are you really fighting? Thabo you stopped fighting when you stopped
spending the nights with your family and started drinking your kidneys away.
Thabo: Nhlalo goodnight.

He covered himself with the blankets after handing me back the gun.
Me: Thabo I’m still talking to you. Thabo… Thabo.. ZanoThabo! I’m still talking to
you!
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Thabo: I’m here aren’t I? But I can’t even sleep because you’re screaming like a
crazy woman! You’re waking Ama up.
Me: Thabo. Get the fuck out of bed and go back to this bitch that sings you
lullabies to sleep.
He wore his gown and got out of the room. I took Ama from her crib putting her
back to sleep. I couldn’t sleep, at first I could hear Thabo talking to Olwethu after
a while they stopped and I could lightly smell the smoke from his cigar, he was
outside, he never smoked inside. I think I had tears just falling from my eyes the
whole night.
In the next week Thabo and didn’t see each other at all, I didn’t know where he
was, I was worried sick that he went threw with going to war against Daniels.
After the fight I woke up the next morning he wasn’t there, I called him he didn’t
answer it went straight to voicemail, I was worried but again I had a child to
breastfeed, change and care for. I also started preparing the house for Olwethu, it
was only then that I noticed how many stairs the house had, soon after the house
was ready for him to live with us, all his things were moved. The first day we
spent the whole day outside I could imagine the joy of getting to experience grass
close up or the different smells of nature or getting to feel different textures
against his skin. The rest of the week I was busy with making sure everything was
going smoothly with the cocaine, the money was delivered safely to Kain, we
were just waiting for the big delivery.
It was a Saturday afternoon the packing of the cocaine had just begun, I went
home to spend time with Ama and Olwethu since I hadn’t been there since early
morning. I even bought takeaway food to make up for not being there for
breakfast. On my way back the house I heard fireworks shooting off, it just made
me think if Olwethu’s ever seen them or set them.
When I got home we had lunch with Olwethu he liked his wings hot, I kept a few
note of things he liked just in case I forgot. I was in the kitchen washing my hands
when Loyiso called me, I couldn’t think of a reason why he’d call me except for
apologising for nearly kissing me.
Loyiso: coconut, have you seen the news.
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Me: I’m fine THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

I opened the TV.
Loyiso: Goliath has igintsa lakho.
“Our headlines are.. gunshot where fired earlier today, it is believed to be

Gangwar between gangs has broke loose, police have gone to the scene and we
have been informed that 79 people are dead and almost 150 people, including
women and children are injured.”
I swallowed my saliva, almost blocking everything out, the scene had a fallen
building and body bags being pulled out from every angle. I tried to say something
but I lost my breathe, I could feel my ears getting hotter and my hands shaking. I
could hear murmuring like they were calling me. I don’t know when I fell but I
stood up going to my bedroom to fetch a gun. I can’t explain the feeling I felt, till
this day but I just knew Daniels wasn’t going to live for what he did. I hid the gun
under my t-shirt before I hugged Olwethu and kissed Ama. Whatever that
tempestuous emotion was I knew it could be my death. I was acting on this
emotion to drive me straight into the war I didn’t want to be involved in. I called
Gert to get me information about Daniels since I didn’t know the man but I know
Gert would find him.
Gert: Paulton Daniels 68 years old, owns a construction company and an

architectural firm in Cape town. He has 3 sons and a wife, one of which has been
arrested for drug possession twice.
Me: Track their phones.
Gert: give me give 4 minutes.

I could see the scene from far but there was a traffic jam it felt like nothing was
going right, I just wanted to punch something or someone to get that ball of
emotions out of me. It felt like I was about to explode in anger, tears and silence
all at once. There were so many body bags there and I expected the worst, I just
told myself Thabo was one of them. At that moment I bit my lips together so
wouldn’t make a sound because I didn’t want Gert to hear me.
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Gert: I’m back. So I can’t find the location of Paultons phone but his wife and two
of his sons are at their house and one is at a hotel near where you are.
I don’t know if I thanked him or if I just ended the call after he told me the hotel
room Daniels son was in.
I got in the room only to find two men on each other, I took out my gun and
cocked it, they both stood up putting their hands on their head and one of them
screaming.
Me: who’s Clinton?!
The one who was crying pointed over to the other one.
Me: get dressed were leaving… now!
I just remember the intensity of my heartbeat and trying to force to tears to not
fall. I wasn’t going to be weak, not anymore. It was my fault Thabo's dead, he told
me Daniels killed uGogo I shouldn’t have fought with him and I should’ve raised
my gun to the occasion.
Clinton wore his clothes then got on his knees to beg me not to kill him. I
wondered if Thabo begged, got on his knees and begged… I was sure he didn’t, his
pride wouldn’t let him. I didn’t have time to listen to his petty life story he was a
rich boy who got everything except his father’s acceptance.
Clinton and his lover led me to Daniel’s house. Daniels was an arrogant man I
could tell because for the business he was in and the enemies he had he didn’t
even have people guarding his house. I got in there shooting bullet’s in every
direction, if there was anyone around with the bad luck to be hit by one, it was
their bad luck. I sat down and made myself comfortable, Clinton and his lover
where sitting on the floor with their hands on their heads crying like babies. I
called for the family to come downstairs or else I was going to shoot again, they
wouldn’t try their luck with me or I’d shoot their son dead, they all appeared
Daniels sons and his wife, they were all at my mercy.
Me: everybody sit your ass on the floor before he drops dead.
Daniels's wife: who are you? And what do you want? The money’s in the safe and
the jewe—
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Me: where’s your husband.
Daniels’s wife: I don’t know what Paulton did this time but if you should leave
right now before I call the police.
She thought I was joking, she started walking to the landline, I thought she’d stop
but she made the call. All her children were standing at my mercy and she didn’t
care, so I played ini-mini-miney-mo I shot one of her son’s on the arm. She ended
the call.
Me: so tell me who does daddy love the most?

Clinton raised his hand, I knew it. I’d point the gun straight at Clinton and Daniels
would go soft. Devising a plan kept me from thinking about Thabo. I heard the
sound of footsteps behind me, I wanted more time to torture that man’s children.
Daniels’s youngest son would’ve ran to his father if he didn’t have a gun pointing
at him.
Me: everybody say hi Daddy.

I stood up so I could finally get to see the man who cause so much pain for me. He
was an old, tall coloured man with dreadlocks and a moustache but he looked like
he got one hell of a beating, he had a blue eye and still had blood running down
his nose and ears. He pointed his gun at me and I pointed mine at his precious
son, Clinton.
Daniels: I don’t like playing games child.
Me: so should I shoot?
Daniels: child calm down and put the gun down you wouldn’t want to hurt
anybody.
Me: fuck you! Don’t tell me to put the gun down! You killed him! And now I’ll kill
your precious son and his lover.
Daniels: Clint… you sleeping with men again! I guess I didn’t beat yo ass hard
enough last time.
Clinton: deh! I promise I wasn’t she’s lying.
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Daniels: how do I let you take over the business when all you wanna do is sleep
around with other men. Brighton's gonna take over…
Clinton: deh you can’t take away birth right.
Daniels: I didn’t raise you to be gay.

I could hear them talking but after that my emotions overpowered me, with a
deep breathe tears filled my eyes. I thought of having to raise Ama and Olwethu
alone. The thought crossed my mind unintentionally I didn’t expect it to lead to
my breakdown. That was my mistake, I let my tears fall at the wrong time. Just
like that the gun was no longer in my hands . I fell, I knew I had messed up, now
Ama was going to loose her mother too. I shouldn’t have acted on emotions.
I raised my head expecting to see Daniels standing in front of me ready to blow

my brains out. I knew I’d die by the hands of another person, I will never get on
my knees to beg a person not to shoot me, I’d rather be shot standing proud. So I
raised my head but saw Clinton pulling the trigger twice— I wasn’t at the
receiving end… his father was! Through the head twice! Afterwards screaming,
“don’t call me gay!” I still couldn’t believe that but when his lover tried running
away he shot him too, then he just demanded for food. After shaking my head a
couple of times I stood up and snuck out through the back door. I couldn’t believe
Daniels was dead and by the hands of his son, the worst betrayal.
I drove back to the house, before I got out of the car I told myself I should be
strong for Olwethu, I wiped my tears and went inside. Olwethu was watching a
soccer game, he didn’t know and I didn’t know how to tell him. I sat next to him, I
couldn’t think of a way to start the conversation so I left looking for Ama, she was
asleep that was when I realised she slept a lot or do all babies sleep like she did.
“dinner is ready”, I knew that voice all too well, he kissed my neck and caressed
my ear— I knew this touch all to well. I thought he was dead. I don’t know what
game Thabo was playing with me. I turned around and hugged him, I knew his
smell all too well.
Thabo: you can let go now.
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I wasn’t letting go that easily. I was in tears of joy, I could feel him, he was really
there, I pinched him a few times and hugged him again, he didn’t understand
why. I finally looked him in the eyes, he wiped my tears off then kissed me.
Me: I missed you.
Thabo: I missed you too.

He disappeared for a week maybe if I didn’t think he was dead we would’ve
talked about it the first time I saw him afterwards but I was just too damn
overjoyed to bring that up so soon. After dinner he bath Ama and when it was
only him and I left and I got a chance to tell him how Daniels died he couldn’t
believe it as much as I couldn’t. I still wanted to know where he was the whole
week.
Me: where were you?

Thabo: A warehouse out of the city.
Me: so your people killed all those people?
Thabo: we attacked Daniels people, they started shooting everyone in the

building.
Me: but you blew it up? The building.
Thabo: the plan was to take everybody out of the building before it blew up. Why
am I being asked theses questions?
Me: people died. Your plan killed innocent lives and even after I told you how I
feel about this you carried on.
Thabo: I know and I’m sorry but I had to.

I got out of bed because I didn’t want him to see me cry.
Me: I thought you were dead
Thabo: don’t cry… Nhlalo.
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Me: don’t tell me not to cry! you made me cry.

I wasn’t going to become a cry baby so I wiped my tears and gave Thabo his
pillow.
Me: I’ll see you tomorrow morning.

I pushed him out of the room and locked the door, he knocked to ask if he could
come back in but he stopped after a while or maybe I fell asleep.
The next day the news of Daniels death was everywhere. The first thing I heard in
the morning News was a reporter reporting on his death.
“Paulton Daniels business tycoon was found dead today in his home. It is believed
the there was a robbery gone wrong, his work in the community will be
remembered truly a great man has fallen.”
Thabo: Nhlalo. Is this milk still fine?
Me: …you don’t care what I say. Do as you please like always.
The milk was a bit off but he’d know that if he was home a bit more. It felt like I
was raising Ama alone, like I got pregnant alone. I passed him and breastfed Ama,
which was one way to tell him the milk was off.
I was angry at him and I wasn’t hiding it one bit, for a whole week I didn’t speak to
Thabo, we didn’t sleep in the same room and I ate my meals alone. It was holding
a grudge but I was tired of being mature. He tried to get me to speak to him, he
bought me flowers and gifts, I wasn’t that type of girl. To try make it up to me he
bought all his booze and got drunk in his man cave instead of going out the whole
night. What I realised was that he made sure Olwethu never saw him drunk or
drinking, I had a greater amount of respect for him for doing so.
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Chapter 25
One year ago on that day I decided to kidnap a wedding, I mean it was Thabo and
I’s one year anniversary, I woke up a bit excited. I wore something white, I can’t
remember what it was. I went downstairs all I had to say was WOW. There was a
table full of food, it was mostly desserts. I was blushing from excitement, I did
appreciate the attention. Everyone wished me a happy anniversary, I just
wondered where Thabo was when all this happened, I mean he planned the
breakfast feast.
“Nhlalo!”
It was Thabo calling me, it sounded serious so I ran to Ama's room I ignored the
fact that on my way there I heard a weird sound, when I came in I found that
Thabo was making the sound.
Olwethu: Unamandla's smiling!
Thabo made the weird sound again as I got closer I saw Ama smiling. I think we
we’re all smiling, I didn’t notice that Thabo was making a video of it, talk about
firsts.
Thabo: happy anniversary sthandwa Sami.

He gave the phone to Olwethu while walking to me we kissed. I was reminded of
the first time we kissed, this kiss was honestly a hundred times better, it felt like
we were in our own little world, one where we forgot about the fact that we
hadn’t been sleeping in the same bed for two weeks.
Owethu: Sies baba get a room.

That was the last thing I expected, all I could do was pull away from the kiss
bursting into laughter.
We ate breakfast together as a family, the family Thabo and I built, this was my
family. I hoped things wouldn’t change, that everyday would be the same. After
breakfast Ama went to sleep and Olwethu had his tutor there so it was only
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Thabo and I we’re at the minibar drinking whiskey and tequila. We weren’t
supposed to be drinking because that meant we both couldn’t hold Ama but it
was our anniversary and we deserved it.
Thabo: I honestly didn’t think we’d make it.
Me: I was a crazy girl and you were a psychologist of course we made it.
Thabo: my face still hurts from the punch you threw at me. Actually it was love at
first punch.
Me: stop lying you had a restraining order against me!
Thabo: only because I didn’t want to be too close to you or else I might’ve fallen
even harder for you.
Me: why didn’t we get divorced vele? I do remember asking you if you want a
divorce and you said no.
Thabo: I was afraid if I said yes you would punch me.
Me: so ten years from now when Olwethu asks us how we met…
Thabo: it all started when I lost my glasses. Our cars crashed into each other , you
punched me and later came to my wedding, kidnapped my fiancée and that’s how
we got married… or we could say it was fate.
Me: just like we’re gonna tell them babies come from little seeds women eat.
Thabo: and how we’re gonna tell them we have a monster living in our bathroom
that makes weird sexual sounds.
I got what he was hinting at, let’s just say it was a great way to spend our
afternoon but we both had plans since we both left at the same time to go do
something important. I was actually going to fetch his gift. A custom made watch
with his initials on it. Afterwards I made sure everything was perfect for the
evening.
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It was evening I was at a lodge ballroom, I tried to make it romantic, there was
candles lit around the room with a dinner table prepared for us. I had a brilliant
idea to wear the dress I got married in but I gained some weight and it just
couldn’t zip up. So I wore the suit that I wore from when I first met uGogo. I
imagined that when Thabo saw me wearing it, that memory would make him
laugh. I was in the middle of the room with Georgia playing the violin. I thought
he was still coming and he was going to buy a gift. I stood there till my legs felt
like they couldn’t hold me. Two hours later I sat down and ate, it was honestly
embarrassing. I was hoping Georgia would get tired and excuse herself so I could
at least lie about being stood up.
Georgia: my parents still celebrate their anniversary 36 years later. You should’ve
seen their first anniversary. My dad took mom to the beach they walked for hours
until mom surprised dad with a candle light dinner and his favourite jazz band was
there too.
Me: that sounds perfect.
Georgia: I just think Thabo doesn’t care, he tries to care but he just doesn’t.
Me: he does care. You can go now, I’ll wait here for another hour or two.
She left, as soon as she closed the door I broke into tears. Why would Georgia say
that? She didn’t even know us that well, she could see what I had been ignoring.
Yvonne once told me this truth but I chose not to listen. There were 365 candles, I
lit them all and at the end of the night I blew them off one by one. I got back to
the house and went to bed. I never cried that much since Baba’s death.
The next morning I woke up, took a shower and packed what Ama would need for
the day, as soon as Olwethu and Ama woke up, we all left. I really didn’t know
where I was going but I couldn’t stand to see the staffs sympathy when Georgia
told them Thabo didn’t show up. I drove around town before we stopped at a
bakery, I bought cupcakes of every flavour I could think of, I needed them as a
comfort food and I wanted to know what Olwethu’s favourite flavour was for
future reference.
We were having fun tasting the cupcakes one by one, that was until Ama took a
number 2, changing her in the car was a nightmare! Some of her poo got on the
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cupcakes and that marked the end of the trip since the car smelt like her poo. The
worst part is that she smiled while putting us through that. There was a car
following us but I just wanted to get home. Thabo was standing waiting for us by
the door, I helped Olwethu get on his wheelchair and took Ma out if the car.
There was a moment when Thabo and I stood still and just stared at each other. I
really cared for Thabo but what he did was embarrassing! And it just made me
question a lot of things. It was our anniversary, it was our time to talk through our
problems and fix everything— to be renewed.
He walked closer to me, took Ama and gave her to Georgia. He looked at me
again, with eyes as dark as his persona and his lips, I once believed I they’d speak
no evil.
Thabo: Sawubona.
Me: sawubona.
Thabo: what happened last night?
Me: you didn’t show up.
Thabo: show up? That’s what you didn’t do. Can you make me your coffee.
I knew exactly why he’d ask for my coffee, he had a hangover from drinking away
the night.
Me: you were drinking again weren’t you?! While I looked like a fool waiting for
you!
He closed his ear then shook his head. He really took me for a fool if he thought
I’d believe he had a headache.
Thabo: Nhlalo I honestly don’t know what happened, can I please get a cup of
coffee and painkillers.
So I should care when he has a headache but he didn’t care when I was drowning
in my tears over him not showing up. Georgia offered to make it for him, her
coffee seemed to be better than mine. I remember laying Ama to sleep and
getting lost in my thoughts, that was when I started pulling my ring in and out of
my finger. Thabo came in and stood next to me.
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Thabo: so where were you last night?
Me: I was waiting for you as the ballroom where I planed an amazing candle light
dinner for us— the same dinner you didn’t come to.
Thabo: I don’t know what you mean.
Me: what do you mean you don’t know?! You stood me up just to get drunk!
Thabo: I stood you up?! You’re the one who gave the babysitter the gifts I bought
you so you have no right to be angry.
Me: she’s a professional caretaker and you’d know that if you stayed home long
enough to care. I didn’t give her anything because you didn’t give me anything
and I still thought you’d show up, you humiliated me.
Thabo: I had the Reservation made for us last night. 3 hours waiting for you—now
talk about public humiliation.
We should have just called it miscommunication but we both thought we were
right. I got a phone call and left the room. I answered the call knowing it was one
of those annoying people trying to sell me life insurance.
Me: Hello.
Other side: can I speak to Nhlalo-enhle Langa.
Me: speaking, who is this?
Other side: detective Xhogo.
Me: detective last I checked I was innocent but what did I do this time.
Xhogo: I know what you did Mrs Langa and I have all the evidence to prove it so
don’t press my buttons.
I didn’t know what she was talking about and couldn’t find a reason why she’d say
that.
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Me: what did I do?

She ended the call, I always knew she was high on something. Then I received a
message, it was video I played it and I saw myself in a hospital room, Msizi’s
room. I ended the video and deleted it afterwards. I really messed up! I was sure
detective Xhogo was already on her way to arrest me. I got another call I
answered it, stills in shock. I just ended it, knowing it was Xhogo and she just
wanted to rub salt in my wounds. I got another message that said “meet me” it
had the time and location, if that person was really detective Xhogo then I really
fucked up.
Thabo: Ama needs milk.

I jumped, how was I going to explain me murdering Msizi to Thabo I couldn’t
expect him to just understand. He’d eventually figure out I killed Kevin and Wayne
he’d hate me.
Thabo: Nhlalo. Are you ok?
Me: I’m fine I just think I need to go buy Olwethu something.

He was going to ask me questions so I just left and went to the coffee shop
detective Xhogo said we should meet. I got there and drank 3 cups of strong
coffee before she arrived. She looked happy to be there and she wasn’t in
uniform.
Me: Detective…
Xhogo: that’s my work name you can call me Sindiswa.

She wasn’t there to arrest me so she clearly wanted something then I wanted her
to get straight to the point.
Me: Sindiswa I’m guessing you want money?
Sindiswa: cha! Soze! That’s against my morals. What I want from you is very
simple, I want you to help me catch another criminal.
Me: who? And why me?
Sindiswa: he is your husband after all so who better.
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Me: Thabo! You want me to help you arrest Thabo! You must be crazy if you think
I’ll do that.
Sindiswa: oh. You think you have a choice. Nhlalo I have evidence that shows you
killing Mr Nkosi, an alibi and your fingerprints on the scene. You really don’t have
a choice.
Me: and if I say I won’t help you then what?
Sindiswa: then you’ll be changed for first degree murder and you’ll live the rest of
your days in prison.
Me: no.
She was asking for what I was going to do to her, I had to erase all traces of that
murder it meant I had to get rid of her and her alibi, the nurse who saw me in the
room must’ve been her.
Sindiswa: don’t act smart with me, if you kill me then a trusted friend of mine will
send the video to the minister and within a few hours you’ll be in prison and the
key will be thrown far away and they’d never be found again. You’ll never get to
see your child or husband ever again.
She put me in a really tight spot. I didn’t want to die in prison but I had to be loyal
to Thabo. I drank the cup of coffee again and thought about it really hard.
Me: what do you want me to do?
Sindiswa: follow me.

I followed her and we got into the van she arrived in, she wasn’t in there alone,
there were 3 more people, it was a woman and a man sitting at the back with me
the other one was driving.
The driver: were finally going to catch that bastard, dadewethu.
Sindiswa: ewe, uMnotho uzabuyela kuthathakhe.
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I heard the name before, but couldn’t remember where until I saw Mashudu from
the mirror. That meant that Sindiswa was Mashudu's sister. What the fuck had I
gotten myself into.
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Chapter 26
They took my phone away from me, I kept asking what was happening or what
was going to happen. Then I was asked to send a message to Thabo telling him to
meet me at this fancy hotel I never heard of before at noon. They didn’t want me
to know their plan until the was too late to warn Thabo. It was noon, I was told to
wear a dress. Me! In a dress! And heels! If Thabo didn’t suspect anything he
needed thicker glasses. It was a black ankle length dress with a slit up one side, it
went all the way up my thigh afterwards I had wires connected to me underneath
the dress. I got out of the van, it was noon, Sindiswa got out of the car with me.
Sindiswa: do you have any questions?
Me: how about the questions I’ve been asking all day, you could answer that.
Sindiswa: don’t try acting smart. There’s a microphone connected to you, get him
to talk about him and selling drugs and who he buys them from and any
associates. We have eyes everywhere in the restaurant, make sure that when you
leave you take your car and your house is also bugged and we have camera's
there anything you do tonight we’ll be sitting in that van watching and if you try
anything then by tomorrow morning you’ll be in a prison cell.
Me: I’m not a baby. I know what’s on the line.

My life was on the line and to save it I threw my marriage in it’s place. I got into
the restaurant and there was soft music playing, the whole restaurant was empty
except for Thabo. He stood up when he saw me, the smile on his face… I’ll never
forget it. I got to him and without saying much he just kissed me then he
whispered “you look stunning”
Me: you look ok— nyana.
Thabo: oh just because you’re looking all sexy now you think my polo neck isn’t
attractive.
Me: ngyadlala.
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I couldn’t go threw with it, I had to find a way to warn him, I assumed the
waitresses were Sindiswa's eyes in the restaurant. I had to give him a clue so he
could at least escape. We sat down and food was served.
Thabo: so is this a redo of our anniversary?
Me: yeah, I just wanted to celebrate being with you, thank you for caring.
Thabo: I must be a lucky man to have you by my side.

I wanted to jump over the table and just hug him so hard and tell him I was sorry
for what I did, to tell him I was sorry for not being loyal. He trusted me.
Me: I’m sorry again… I’m sorry for causing all these problems for you.
I was in tears. He stood up and hugged me, I held onto him and I didn't want to let
go. We were disturbed by one of the waiters asking if we needed anything, she
also gave us directions to the toilet. I knew he wouldn’t just given us those
directions, he was telling me to go there. I excused myself and went to the
bathroom, a phone was waiting for me when I got there.
Me: Sindiswa.
Other side: it’s Mashudu, stop getting close to him and just get his confession.
Me: I’m working on it.

I ended the call and went back to Thabo this time to get his confession. Didn’t
know how to start the conversation so I kept my mouth filled with food, I finished
it way too fast.
Thabo: you really must be hungry.
Me: I didn’t get a chance to eat.
Thabo: So while you were gone, I put Unamandla to sleep, when I laid her in her
crib she smiled. Imagine that.
Thabo had children, they’d know him as a criminal. I also had Ama I would never
want her to think I was a murderer. I wasn’t denying I murdered people but I did
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not want her to know me as a murderer mother. If Thabo cooperated with the
police he’d get a shorter sentence, if I was arrested then that would be it for me.
Thabo: Nhlalo?
It was finally time I got his confession.
Me: Thabo, besides coke what else do you sell?

He paused looking confused.
Thabo: there’s another warehouse down the coast where we keep the other stuff
like the pills and the weed.
Me: Who’s the guy you buy them from again?
Thabo: Kain?
Me: imagine he tried hitting on me telling we’d go to the Italy and he was going to
make me his 8th wife.
Thabo: one day I’ll have 8 wives because you don’t want to have other children.
Me: I never said I don’t want children I just said after we raise the baby we have
right now. I’m not a baby machine.
Thabo: I think Kain and YV have a thing going on though.
Me: so Loyiso deals with the distribution of the drugs?
Thabo: yeah, Loyiso and Yvonne.

A waitress came with dessert. I couldn’t think of anymore things to could ask
Thabo about.
Me: so there isn’t any other buyers you get you stuff from?
Thabo: Kain Hernandez is the main guy, there’s a few others but they’re small
time sellers, you know they sell it cheap because it’s the dangerous stuff, it gets
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you high in a minute and OD'd in the next. So sometimes we mix the quality stuff
with the shitty staff.
That must’ve been enough for Xhogo, if I asked any more questions then Thabo
would be more suspicious.
We got back home, I realised the cook was working with Xhogo he probably
bugged the house. That was it. Thabo was going to prison, the only thing I could
do was make sure he knew I was sorry. He got a beer and went to check on Ama, I
followed him taking note that the cook had his eye on me. Thabo stood next to
her crib and just smiled. I never saw him check on her before but the smile
changed. He opened his bottle and took a sip. I had finally figured out what was
eating him up, maybe he was having trouble dealing with the death of Ntando. All
that time I thought he was just being an alcoholic. He lost his baby brother and his
own child he felt like it was his fault, I should’ve supported him, I guess I wasn’t as
good a wife as I thought.
He got out of the room. He was surprised by my presence that he dropped the
bottle.
Thabo: I always knew you followed me.
I held his hands and looked him in the eyes and thanked him again, he didn’t get it
but I did. I thought it was the right time to give him his gift. He actually liked it.
Thabo: I also bought you a watch.
He came back with it and opened the box, it was my watch. The “specific” watch
that my father gave to me on my birthday, I knew it was really it when I saw
“daddy’s soldier” embroidered on it.
I pulled him into our bedroom, made him wait on the bed while I went to the
bathroom to take off the dress. I got into the bedroom to give Thabo the best
performance of my life, I wanted him to remember me not as the traitor but as
someone who really cared. I got out of the bedroom, sat on his laps and started
took off his pollarneck, I felt his hands searching for my bra clippers. He untied it,
the room probably had camera’s, for a moment I remembered how ashamed I felt
when my classmates saw the sex video of me and that jerk who took it without
my permission. This was different I knew the camera’s were there yet I honestly
didn’t care.
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Thabo got on top of me started kissing me from the neck down, he went down on
me, I remember holding on to the bedsheets but I couldn’t when he lifted me on
his shoulders carrying me onto the bed and telling me to hold on the fan. Never in
my life did I ever experienced something so good. My toes had curled in all
directions and my stomach.
He kissed my forehead then let me lay on his chest.

Thabo: let’s renew our vows next year.
Me: so soon!
Thabo: we don’t have any wedding photos.
Me: we have out memories and a marriage certificate, it think that’s enough.
Thabo: I didn’t like the dress you were wearing and your family wasn’t there.
Me: maybe in five years then Ama will be the flower girl.
Thabo: you should talk to them.
Me: who?
Thabo: your family, I’m sure you miss uMuzi.
Me: you know his name! Don’t you miss your brother sometimes?
Thabo: sometimes— my situation is different I don’t know where Themba is or if

he’s even alive but Muzi’s still alive so talk to him before you find out it’s too late.
Me: if he really wanted to talk to me he’d find me.
Thabo: maybe he’s out there looking for Nhlalo Mabizela, does he even know
you’re married?
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Me: no. But he probably hates me… when I left Swaziland I did something really
bad and I’m not sure he’ll ever forgive me for it.
Thabo: but I think when he sees his little sister happy he will.
Me: fine, I’ll call him. You’re a good father you know.
Thabo: where’s this coming from?
Me: I’m just saying you’re a good father.
We spoke for a few hours about everything until he fell asleep. I couldn’t sleep, I
remembered there was once a time when his snoring annoyed me, morning came
I still had my arms wrapped around him, I wanted that night to never end
because when it ended that meant the end of our marriage. When I heard the
doorbell, I just knew it was Xhogo. Thabo was still asleep so I woke him up so he
could at least wear his pants, I got dressed too. The door opened, Xhogo came in
smiling.
Xhogo: Zanothabo Langa you are under arrest, what you say can and will be used
against you.
Thabo: what am I being arrested for?

He looked really pissed, I wished I knew what to do instead of standing there
frozen.
Xhogo: shut up, you know I told you every dog has it’s day.
I wanted to say something but I couldn’t, I watched as they forced him out of the
room, out of his own house and into the police car. Before the left he looked at
me his expression insculperable.
Thabo: Olwethu I’ll be back.

He turned around and the car left, he didn’t even want to talk to me, maybe he
knew. Olwethu was following the van, I had to stop him before he hurt himself. I
stopped him when he was nearly out the gate crying. I also started tearing, from
seeing the pain I had caused. Behind my teared eyes I saw a car pulling up at the
gate, Mashudu got out and came to Olwethu.
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Mashudu: sawubona Mnotho.

He grinned.
Me: Mashudu I helped you get Thabo so go buy yourself a beer and just leave.
Please.
I was drained, I didn’t want to fight anymore, I was already struggling to find
peace with my actions.
Mashudu: do you also want a beer? So you can show a few of your moves.
I walked closer to him and when I was close enough I punched him, he fell to the
ground and I pushed Olwethu back inside. I think I knocked him out because he
stayed down for nearly ten minutes. I was tired, I couldn’t sleep the night before
but I couldn’t just leave Olwethu without supervision since I had a feeling
Mashudu was going to cause problems. Ama woke up crying, as if she knew her
father wasn’t there, Olwethu was also crying, I couldn’t find a way to calm them
down, I tried everything, I tried making weird sounds for Ama to make her laugh
but just cried even louder, I ordered cheesecake for Olwethu since he really liked
it before but he refused and carried on crying, I ended up crying with them.
One of the cleaners opened the news, there were reports on the arrests of
Yvonne, Kain, Loyiso and Thabo, there was also a raid at all Gregory hotels, police
dogs found the 50kg of coke that was ready to be distributed. Police hadn’t found
the underground rooms, I was glad they hadn’t yet. Thabo was being referred to
as the master mind of the whole operation. Everything was falling apart because
of me, because I couldn’t clean evidence because of my anger.
It was all left to me, that night once Olwethu and Ama fell asleep, I knew I had to
get rid of the coke that was being packaged. I left for the hotel, there were police
lurking around there so I couldn’t get to go underground, instead I went to
Yvonne’s office. I thought I’d find something helpful to me that I could use. I
found a phone book, I just thought I’d check out the numbers there to see if there
wasn’t anyone who could help me, all the numbers I called nobody wanted to
help they were all either somehow involved and didn’t want to go to jail, afraid of
the cops or just plain against the idea of getting criminals out of prison. I left the
hotel knowing that I was being follow by a police car, maybe they hoped I’d lead
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them to more stashed drugs, since the police dogs couldn’t find the underground
rooms then maybe they were safe right where they were.
I decided I’d then go get something to eat for that evening, I felt like having hot
wings. It was all going well until the waiter said my card declined.
Me: sorry what? No. How does it… try again.

She did again and it declined again.
Me: it’s fine I’ll just go buy my takeaway somewhere else since your machine
doesn’t work.
I stood up with my head held high and walked out, when I checked at the bank, I
found out that Thabo’s accounts were frozen for investigation. I was still waiting
for Thabo to call, I was sure he’d call me.
A few days passed and soon it was time to go to Thabo's bail trail, I left Ama and
Olwethu since I assumed they’d be too emotional. I, myself couldn’t keep it
together. I was zoned out most of the hearing, thinking what would happen if he
actually got arrested for years and he’d only see his children behind a prison cell.
Judge: bail is granted.

Mr Modise paid the bail and Thabo was, for that time free to go.
He got out of the courtroom like he couldn’t even see me trying to talk to him. I
had a lot to explain. I assumed he was going to leave with Mr Modise but I he was
there waiting for me next to the car.
Thabo: I want to drive, it’s been a while.

I gave him the keys with pleasure knowing that he could talk to me without
getting angry.
Me: sure.
I got in the passenger seat, I should’ve tied my seatbelt. He started driving, he was
going the wrong direction but I assumed he was using a route I didn’t know.
Thabo: I want to ask you a question.
Me: ok.
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He started driving faster, I knew he wasn’t joking when he switched the car to
sport mode I hadn’t driven that fast since I was a teen, back then I loved the
adrenaline rush but now all I could see was my death.
Me: THABO SLOW DOWN, I DON’T WANNA DIE!
Thabo: I still have to ask you my question.
Me: ask then!

He drove faster, I had my nails sunk into the seat, we could only get that far
without crashing into a car.
Thabo: did you give the police the evidence?
Me: I didn’t.
Thabo: I still ain’t driving fast enough then.

He stepped on the accelerate even harder and he enjoyed the fear of me
screaming for him to slow down, I thought I was about to faint, by then I had tears
coming from my eyes.
Me: yes! Yes! I did it.

The car stopped and he took out papers, I was sure I knew what they were.
Me: I did it and Thabo I’m sorry. The detective has evidence against me and she
was blackmailing me. I had to do it.
Thabo: crying won’t help you now.

He took out a pen and signed the papers.
Me: Thabo! I killed Msizi. I swear it was a mistake and she had evidence to prove
it. If I didn’t do it then I’d be arrested for murder and there wouldn’t be a way out
this time.
Thabo: so I won’t be in prison! They say I’m the traitor, everyone is after me. If
something happens to me it will be your fault. In fact these people aren’t just
after me. They’re after my children too.
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Me: we’ll protect them.
Thabo: there is no “we” anymore. YOU destroyed US.

I just didn’t want to carry all the guilt.
Me: you didn’t trust me when I told you Unamandla was yours, what is a marriage
without trust? YOU didn’t trust ME.
Thabo: Nhlalo YOU cheated… seem to forget that.
Me: what about all the nights I spent alone while you got wasted? You started the
destruction of our marriage.
Thabo: did you ever bother to ask why I was drinking so much?! My son died
because I wasn’t vigilant enough. I didn’t protect him as a father.
Me: you didn’t kill Ntando, Gail did.
Thabo: only because you killed Wayne.

I paused, I was shocked. How did he know, how could he know.
He continued: I was the one who told Yvonne about it, then I tamed her so she
wouldn’t kill you but you couldn’t just show her a little respect.
Since we were laying down all the facts, I had to tell my side.
Me: how do I respect a woman who encouraged men to sell and buy other
women?
Thabo: Yvonne is my mother I know her well enough to know she wouldn’t do
that.
Me: she provided those men with a place to do that disgusting thing. I know
because I was there! You weren’t there! You didn’t get drugged and rapped by
Gerald! I did! And if only your mother didn’t loose her sense of being a women
then men like Si—
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I couldn’t believe I told him! I coverd my mouth with my hands. I looked over to
him, it seemed like he couldn’t believe it, he punched the steering wheel a few
times before he looked at me, I must’ve been crying because he looked at me
with the same he does when I cry.
Thabo: I know Gerald. In fact he’s one of my buyers. I must be the fool, he rapes
my wife and still has the guts to stare me in the eyes. Nhlalo I swear he’ll pay.
Me: it’s too late now. I’m sorry for kidnapping the rest of your life with Denise.
He started the car, it was a silent ride, before he got out of the car I had a
question bothering me. Why did he marry me? He knew I murdered Kevin then
why didn’t he divorce me?
Me: Thabo tell me the truth. Why didn’t you divorce me?
He looked at me and looked away, I should’ve picked up he wasn’t being totally
truthful.
Thabo: a few days before you killed him, he told me what he did, how he was
involved in a murder, he told me how Loyiso shot both mother and daughter.
When I saw you that night, I also saw you at his funeral, it made sense to me. I
once asked you if you would want to avenge your parents murders? You were
that woman’s daughter and all you wanted do was to make them feel the same
pain. I didn’t want to divorce you because we had something in common that I
couldn’t find with anyone else.
He got out of the car, I didn’t think about what he said, why we had something in
common with wanting to avenge our families deaths, if I knew what he meant
then maybe I would’ve ran before it was too late.
We got to the house, there was a woman speaking from the living room, it didn’t
sound like Georgia or Thuli. She turned around giving me an automatic cringe. It
was Zinzi, Zweli's Zinzi, the stalker girl. Zweli’s ghost must’ve been haunting me.
There was so much going on in my life that I didn’t have time for the Zikalala
drama again. She was wearing a pant suit and was holding a notebook. She shook
our hands but I had a feeling she squeezed my one too hard.
Zinzi: good afternoon, I’m Zinzile Ngema, social worker.
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Zinzi was a social worker, I thought she was too obsessed with Zweli to care about
her future. I couldn’t understand why she was there.
Me: Zinzi… why, why is there a social worker here?
Zinzi: we’ve received a complaint about you and your husband not being able to
take care of your daughter.
Thabo: a complaint from who?
Zinzi: it’s confidential information. I took the case and have found that Mr and
Mrs Langa are not capable of being good parents to Unamandla.
Thabo: that’s bullshit!
Me: exactly.
Zinzi: Mrs Langa is it true that you have a drug problem which led to you being
hospitalized while pregnant with your daughter?
Me: …yes but I went to rehab!
Zinzi: and addict is always an addict so don’t lie to yourself. Mr Langa you’re
currently being fighting a case where you’re accused of possession of drugs with
the intention to sell them and if that’s not enough you are a known alcoholic.
Thabo: get out of my house because my daughter isn’t going anywhere.

I went outside and called a guard to help Zinzi get out of the house because she
seemed stubborn. The guard came in with his gun and Zinzi finally saw how
serious we were.
Zinzi: I’ll be back.

We took those words lightly, I took it as just an empty threat and carried on with
life, even though it felt like a repetition of the same day. I’d wake up to find that
Thabo made breakfast for himself and Olwethu. We didn’t even make eye
contact, whenever he’d see me during breakfast he’d just leave and go to Mr
Modise to work on his case. I know I had no right to be angry, I had hurt Thabo so
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much that I didn’t even realise it. He came back drunk in the night, sometimes he
was sober and he would take Ama so she could sleep with him for the night. It
was like Ama could feel the distance between us, maybe that was why she cried
so much. We could convince Olwethu that there wasn’t anything going on but he
could also see it. I wished I could take Olwethu outside and take Ama for a walk
but they weren’t were under a strict lockdown yet I wasn’t that sent a clear
message that Thabo didn’t care, he tried but he just didn’t care.
When the bail hearing came, I wasn’t there but I was watching the case from
home, it was broadcasted by news channels, “the state versus the Cape drug
lords” that headline was everywhere. The state had the recording evidence that
was proven to be Thabo’s voice and they had the statement of one of the people
found at the hotel where the drugs were found. I wasn’t sure Mr Modise couldn’t
win this one. With all the evidence against Thabo I wasn’t sure they’d arrest him, I
tried to be optimistic but I just couldn’t do it. The judge was about to announce
when the next hearing was going to be when the doorbell started ringing.
The doorbell was ringing, Georgia opened it, she sounded surprised so I went to
see what it was. It was Zinzi, this time she came with the police.
Zinzi: good morning.
Me: Zinzile. What do you want now?
Zinzi: I’m back for that baby.

I pulled her aside, I needed to make it clear to her that what she was doing was
wrong.
Me: I get it. You feel like you couldn’t marry Zweli because of me and I’m sorry for
that but taking my child away from me— that’s wrong.
Zinzi: Zweli left me at the alter after he told me that he LOVES YOU! Zweli and I
would’ve been Happy if you didn’t corruption his mind wamdlisa lekorobela
yakho.
Me: Zinzi! Zweli didn’t want you! He didn’t want me. All he wanted was his drugs
so stop obsessing over him, he isn’t worth it.
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Zinzi: you don’t know him like I do.
Me: ok I don’t but do you think this is what he’d want.
Zinzi: I know your secret and I won’t let another man raise my Zweli's child.
I was frustrated by the extent of her obsession, she clearly didn’t get it.
Me: that’s not his child!

She looked at Ama, I feared she had redirected her obsession to her.
Me: Zinzile. Zinzi. Look at me.

I forced her face to look at my direction. She turned her head again I didn’t know
what I had to do to stop her from looking at my daughter in that manner. In
frustration I slapped, then held her by the shoulders shaking her.
Me: Zinzi Zweli's dead. He’s gone and that child isn’t his.
By then the police had pulled me away from her.
Zinzi: Unamanga! Zweli left me that child so I could love her like I loved him.
She was crazy, mentally ill, I broke free from the polices hands and I jumped on
her leading us to fall to the ground, I hit her head against the floor a couple of
times before the police pulled me away again. Zinzile was crazy! That moment I
wasn’t thinking of the consequences my actions would lead to but I knew that I
had gotten some of the crazy out if her.
Me: if ever look at my daughter again I swear I’ll kill you.
Zinzi: now I have the police as a witness to your short temper, how will the baby
survive in this environment? I think the judge will be glad to know that I rescued
this little girl from a violent home.
She picked her up, looking at her, brushing her hair. I stopped fighting and I just
started crying. I didn’t know what I’d be without Ama, after loosing Ntando and
Thabo being in prison she was the only thing keeping me together— I couldn’t
loose her.
Me: Zinzile. I’m sorry that Zweli fell in love with me and not you but taking away
Unamandla from me won’t help.
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Zinzi: you took the most important person away from me now it’s my turn. It’s a
tear for a tear, I want you to cry like you made me cry.
Me: please— don’t.
Zinzi: I didn’t waste my money getting a certificate to be a social worker just to

not use it for what I intended it for.
She looked at me and grinned a little before walking out of the door. I heard the
car start, the police held me tighter than before, the car was leaving, I heard it
start driving away with my daughter, I fought, I really did, that was how I got
loose, the car had just gotten out of the gate when I broke free. The front yard
had a large fountain in the middle, the gate wasn’t as close as I thought it was. I
ran out, tried following the car even though I was still blinded by my tears.
“Ama!”
I didn’t know anything could hurt so badly. I ran after the car, crying out for my
daughter. I didn’t know I couldn’t run that fast, I wasn’t stopping even if I was in a
road with other cars, I was prepared to die to get my daughter back. Somebody
pulled me out of the road leading me to fall on the sidewalk I took a second to
catch my breathe and to wipe off my tears, I was going to carry on running after
that car. I stood up preparing to run again, as I took my first step the person held
my hand again.
Me: Thabo ngyekele! Thabo please let me get her. She’s leaving with her. Please.
He held me tighter the more I fought it, I kept pushing him away until I stopped,
knowing the car had driven away… I wasn’t going to catch up to it anyways. My
arms went around him, holding him for my sanity, the tears just fell for
themselves after that.
Thabo: what’s going on? Khuluma nami.
It felt like I couldn’t even speak but I pulled myself together for those few
seconds.
Me: Zinzi came back (sniff) she took our daughter.
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I broke into tears after hearing myself saying it. It felt worse than loosing Ntando
because I knew I could’ve saved her if I ran faster or if I threw a harder punch at
Zinzi or if I opened the door instead of Georgia so I could close it and lock it so
they’d leave.
Thabo: Nhlalo. Look at me. We’re going to get her back. Don’t cry.
I looked at him, his eyes were far from crying did it even hurt him?
Me: why aren’t you crying! I’m telling you Zinzi took our daughter so why aren’t
you crying?
I threw weak punches at his chest, before I stopped and hugged him again.
Thabo: I’m trying. I wish I could, I really wish I could.
Me: Zinzile is crazy, only she knows what she’ll do to my daughter, she’s obsessed
with her.
I couldn’t loose both of my children, I had to get her back, Zinzi was crazy, who
knew what she’d do to my child just to make me feel the pain of loosing
something I care for. I looked at Thabo, he wasn’t even shedding a tear, there
were cars hooting at us, I got back to my senses and got out of the road.
I was frozen, for the whole day, I observed Thabo, he was walking around making
phone calls, drinking whiskey and smoking his cigars. It didn’t bother him that our
daughter was out there with a psychopath. He left drunk, he never took into
consideration my concern for his safety, I just knew he was going out to get
drunk. That was when I decided that Unamandla was my daughter and my
daughter alone and I had to get her back. I looked for the papers Thabo signed
that day, they were a divorce papers, he had already signed them.
Olwethu came in asking where his father went.

Me: he’s out, you saw him leave.
Olwethu: dee-vo-rrr-se… divorce.

He said the word, I didn’t think he knew what it meant and I felt a little proud to
know he could read such a big word.
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Me: Olwethu Your father is going threw a very difficult time, we just lost Ntando
and he just needs you to tell him he’s a good father. Be there for him okay.
He hugged me, maybe he knew what divorce meant.
Olwethu: are you leaving?
Me: I am but when I come back I’ll have your little sister with me. Thuli’s coming
back to take care of you.
Olwethu: I’ll miss you mama.
Me: I’ll miss you too son.

We hugged again, this was more difficult that I thought it would be. It was a
windy night, my things were already packed and loaded into the car. I had booked
my plane ticket and was going home. Coming to South Africa I wanted revenge,
out of the four people that killed my family I couldn’t proudly say three of them
were dead, I knew Loyiso was the fourth killer but I just had to leave. I was
holding on to a broken marriage, much like a stone turning into to sand and falling
from my hand— I had no control over it. Thabo was in a place where I couldn’t fix,
I tried. I wanted to stand by him but I had to get Ama back. She was my daughter
and I had to get my life together for her, I wanted to see her first smile, first
words and first steps but having court cases against Thabo and his alcohol abuse
wouldn’t allow me to. I placed the ring on the study table next to the divorce
papers, I wasn’t leaving a note because I had said everything I needed to.
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Chapter 27
I landed in Zambia, the Zambian air filled my lungs. I got to The Mabizela estate,
how I was going to explain where I had been for the past year and a half— I didn’t
know. I went inside, I had forgotten what the house had looked like and half of
my family too.
“Nhlalo-enhle Mabizela, we thought you were dead.”

Mkhulu used to read the newspaper near the gate, he was sitting there reading it.
Me: sawubona Mkhulu.

He turned around, surprised he held his chest, he had heart issues I was a bit
worried before he smiled.
Mkhulu: I finally got to scare you.
“Nhlalo!”
Muzi saw me from the window of his room.
Me: Muzi!
“Nhlalo!”
Next to Muzi appeared Candice.
Me: oh! Nkosi Yami! Candice.
“aunty Nhlalo”
Candice and Muzi's son, Liyanda was running to me.
Me: Lee!
He fist pumped me, I went inside with tears nearly falling from my eyes. Muzi was
standing by the door, I hugged him.
Muzi: you can hug people now!
Me: I missed you and I have so much to tell you.
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Candice: Welcome to our house sister in law.

She was holding a plate of cookies, she called me sister in law. I checked Muzi's
hand and there was a ring and Candice’s hand also had a ring. I looked at Candice
and realised she had a bigger belly, she was pregnant.
Me: you’re married to her?
Candice: Nhlalo, I told you I’ll marry your brother one day.
Me: that was at a sleepover when we were 14!
Candice: that doesn’t matter… anyways where have you been for the past
forever?
I ignored her and pulled Muzi to dad’s office, it hadn’t changed, the picture my
father was so proud of still hung high in his office, it wasn’t of his family, it was a
picture of him or “The Great Mpiyakhe Mabizela.” Muzi sat down on Baba’s chair,
he wanted to say something so I kept quiet.
Muzi: ubukuphi?
Me: I was… it’s a really long story but if you have time I’ll tell you all about it.
Muzi: I don’t have time, I have a wife to get to and a business to run.
Me: Muzi. I thought you were the one person I could talk to so please… listen or
talk to me I’ll do the listening.
Muzi: ok you listen. Nhlalo you shot my father in the head on the day of my
mother’s funeral!
Me: they were my parents too.
Muzi: Nhlalo the moment you shot ubaba was when you became an orphan and
you never loved this family! So you have no right to claim my parents as yours.
Me: I care about you and the whole family that’s why I left.
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Muzi: that’s the problem… you just care! Nobody gives a damn about how much
you care. Did you ever tell uMma ukuthi uyamthanda? Did you tell ubaba? Have
you ever looked into anybody’s eyes and told them you love them and want the
best for them!? No, then that’s not what a family is.
Me: I thought you understood why I don’t say that word.
Muzi: Nhlalo you’re 21 years old so grow some balls and heal from your high
school trauma man!
Me: Muzi, I’m sorry for leaving.
Muzi: no don’t be sorry, just care and leave again.
Me: I have nowhere else to go.
Muzi: where were you for the past year? Go back there.
Me: last night I signed divorce papers so I can’t go back where I came from.
Muzi: divorce. You were married? Do you think I’m that stupid that I’d believe you
were married?
Me: I was! His name is Thabo and we had twins but one went to heaven and our
daughter is in a foster home because of my ex fiance’s psycho girlfriend. My life is
a mess I came here to fix it for Unamandla, to get her back.
He broke into laughter, he didn’t believe me, I took out my phone and showed
him a picture of Thabo and Unamandla, he stopped laughing looking at me with
disbelief.
Muzi: he was your husband? And that’s your child.
Me: yes.
Muzi: I still don’t believe you, I want to see you with them.
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Thabo and I never took that many pictures but then I found the perfect video, the
morning of our anniversary. I showed him the video of Ama's first smile. Muzi still
couldn’t believe it.
Muzi: Nhlalo-enhle Mabizela that’s your child?
I nodded my head agreeing he stood up from the chair, leaving the phone on the
table and walking out. I thought when I told him this, the least he’d do was be
happy and congratulate me, I had thought of that moment for so long but it didn’t
go the was I thought it would, I almost cried. I wondered what the great
Mpiyakhe Mabizela would say when he saw his little soldier crying.
Days passed I felt like I was a ghost in the house, nobody spoke to me, they acted
like I wasn’t in the room, or at the dinner table, I wasn’t served food like
everybody else. I wanted to tell them I left because I wanted to avenge mama and
Lethu maybe they’d understand but I didn’t trust some of the people in the family
enough to tell them. I was searching for a job, I realised having a matric certificate
to your name wasn’t good enough. Muzi said it right, I was a 21 year old divorcee
without even a cent to my name. Candice didn’t miss any chance to remind me of
it, she deliberately invited her friends so they could watch her wedding video. I
wasn’t sure I had anything to show from our wedding day except memory. The
only proof of Thabo and I ever being together was Ama and she was in a foster
home. I had to get my life together for myself, for Ama so whenever I looked at
her she’d be the reminder of what Thabo and I had.
I got back to the house after I left to go buy myself grapes, Candice was sitting on
the couch watching TV, when I came in she ran to the bathroom, she was having
morning sickness. She came out, so I thought I’d share my trick with her.
Me: it gets better when you drink a lot of water.
Candice: this is my second pregnancy so I think I know more.
Me: I was pregnant with twins… I just thought I’d tell you a few of my tricks.
Candice: you had twins… I want to have twins.
Me: double birth is not a joke…
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I stopped and thought of the moment when Thabo held Ntando and his little
fingers were actually moving, he was alive for those few seconds.
Me: one of them went to heaven and the other one is in faster care.
Candice: I’m sorry.
Me: it’s fine.
Candice: no I’m really sorry, I never apologised for sleeping with your brother
when I was supposed to be your friend.
Me: I was a really shitty friend though, I’m sorry for beating you black and blue.
Candice: that was the Nhlalo thing to do, you have to admit you were a bit violent
back then.
Me: I still am!?

I jokingly acted like I was about to slap her, that was when I remembered that she
and I once got drunk and spooned the hell out of each other.
Me: does Muzi know we once—
Candice: fingered each other… he does and for some reason it turns him on.
Me: I’m actually glad you’re with Muzi! He did have a crush on you for like 2
years.
Candice: I know, why’d you get divorced?
Me: my ex husband and I just couldn’t get along after Unamandla was taken away
from us.
We sat down, drank coffee and spoke like the friends we once were. I was able to
forgive her for what she did and also accept that what she did wasn’t wrong and
she didn’t deserve my hate for it. Plus she was carrying my niece— she told me
she was having a girl! When Muzi came home he was shocked to see us together
yet he didn’t say anything about it so I thought I’d finally find out what it really
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was that bothered him that is why I followed him to his office. I went in, Baba’s
picture on the wall still bothered me.
Me: ok why are you ignoring me?
Muzi: I have a lot of work to do.
Me: you’re ignoring me and I know so stop it.
Muzi: I asked you where you were when I was alone burying my family and you
show me a picture of the family you ran off and had. Should I be happy of angry
that you abandoned us for some guy!
Me: I know what I did was wrong but your weren’t the one who watched mama
die.
Muzi: you weren’t the one who found baba dead in this exact office and you
weren’t the one forced to put your career of hold for the family business.
Me: I know you don’t like what you do but after mama's death I really needed air.
Muzi: Nhlalo can you stop saying my mother was your mother!
Me: she is my mother!
Muzi: that woman wasn’t your mother, your mother left you in my father’s car!
I sat down, maybe he said it wrong, mama wasn’t my mother. No, it couldn’t be.
Me: wh— what?
Muzi: I think it’s time you watch the video baba left you..
Me: Muzi! Muzi!

He left the room, I immediately went to Baba’s laptop, I found the file, there was
a video addressed to me. There was a password, weirdly I knew it was spontshi-
pie. The video started and his first words were “my spontshi-pie”, I was smiling
and crying at the same time, I really missed him.
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“If you’re watching this it probably means I’m dead”, I corrected him, telling him
he was taking his last glory rest, that was what he called it.He carried on talking
about his death as if he knew he was going to die. Deep down I also knew he was
next and I chose to shoot him rather than make more memories.
“I forgive you for shooting me, I can never be mad at my little soldier. Before you
hear it from anybody else let me just tell you myself… I know it won’t make sense
to you but 22 years ago I found a baby girl in my car, I took her home and you
became our baby. You’re actually 22 we changed your age because we still
needed 9 months to fake a pregnancy. Nhlalo, it doesn’t matter who your mother
is… you are my daughter”
I couldn’t believe they weren’t my real parents, but then I listened to it again, he
said it didn’t matter who my mother was I was his daughter, I knew uBaba well
enough to know what he was trying to tell me. He didn’t just find me in his car, I
was left in his car because he fathered me. I carried on listening to it and he didn’t
mention anything about my mother, who she was, where she was, anything about
her, I didn’t care if she was one of his one night stands I just wanted to know who
she was.
“I gave Muzi the house and all my property, it’s what he deserves but Zikhali
weaponry it’s yours. I don’t know anybody else who can lead the company better
than you. When I’m dead I’m not asking for much, just know I’m sorry and
spontshi-pie ungikhumbule”
That was it the last words baba will ever say to me, I remembered when he told
me that the day he died would be the day the sky’s would turn into darkness and
mourn him, he was right when he died the sky’s did turn into darkness and the
rain was it’s tears. Mama was still my mother she treated me like her daughter
and I never would have guessed she wasn’t my mother, I was glad I was raised by
them or else I wouldn’t have been who I am. The door opened, Muzi came in with
a cup of coffee.
Me: I know what you’re trying to do and it’s not going to work.
Muzi: Nhlalo you’re crying? When was the last time I saw that.
Me: it’s okay to cry. I don’t want your coffee.
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I knew what he was about to do and it wasn’t going to work, it’s want he used to
do when he made me angry.
Muzi: take the cup as a condolence from Muzi. Muzi's sorry he didn’t mean to get
angry at you but it’s just that you’re so annoying.
Me: stop speaking in second voice, I’m not a baby anymore so it won’t work.
Muzi: oh! I’m still older than you so you better take this cup of coffee or else
ngizokuceba kuMama… kaLee.
I knew what he actually meant, he forgot mma was gone, but he tried to cover it
up at the end.
Me: Muzi I’m not angry at you, you’re my only brother so how could I be angry at
you? So did baba tell you about the company?
Muzi: I know he’s leaving it to you, I enjoy being a photographer and he always
knew deep down your were the man for the job.
Me: thank you.

He looked at me surprised.
Muzi: I’d like to meet this person who changed my sister so much.
I hadn’t checked on Thabo’s case in a long while but I had to keep strong for Ama,
I had to separate myself from Thabo and get my life back together for Ama. A
yearning feeling to be with Thabo had me thinking that maybe if I went back to
him things would work. I almost believed it.
Me: I wish you don’t. He was a jerk. He was… not the person who sometime made
me laugh. Not the person I could relate to and talk to… he wasn’t that person I
really cared for.
Muzi: if he did anything to you then tell me. If he even touched you the wrong
way.
Me: Thabo... He’d never do that.
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Muzi: so what did he do… or what do you do?
Me: I did nothing wrong! Okay just a few but after we lost Ntando we just drifted
apart I guess.
Muzi: who’s Ntando?
Me: he’s our son. He’s in heaven now.
Muzi: I’m… sorry to hear that. May his soul rest in peace.
Me: I wish so too.

I smiled.
Muzi: we’ll what are you gonna do with all this power?
Me: …. I’ll make a change. But first I want to get drunk.

I left and went to the bar outside, got drunk then went to sleep.
It was my birthday, or the day I was presented to the world, the 4 th of July didn’t
excite me anymore since I knew it wasn’t the actual day I was born. I was a little
lost of my identity, trying to walk around the house like I didn’t know I was
abandoned by my mother. I finally decided to stop ignoring the fact that I hadn’t
seen Baba’s grave. The graveyard was close to the house and I needed a walk,
when I got there I got to see Lethu's grave and it read, “here lies the beloved
daughter and sister, Lethuthando Mabizela” next to her grave was mama's grave,
“here lies beloved Mother, daughter and grandmother Liyakhanya Deborah
Zikhali Mabizela, gone but not forgotten.” Baba’s grave stood next to hers bigger
than the other two it read, “a true leader, Mpiyakhe Mabizela” no mention of his
family, wow.
“He would have wanted all his children at his funeral you know.”
It was Mkhulu, after all those years he didn’t know Mpiyakhe as well as I did.
Me: if he wanted his children at his funeral then he should at least mention them
on his tombstone.
Mkhulu: he does mention you. A great leader at business and family wise.
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Me: mkhulu you’re just making excuses for him.
Mkhulu: KaMabizela sit down and tell me exactly what you were doing for the
past year.
Me: I think Muzi already explain it to you.
Mkhulu: that’s not the only reason you were gone, I’ve known you your whole
life.
Me: I wanted fresh air away from ubaba.
Mkhulu: I know the bitterness in you, the Nhlalo-enhle Mabizela I know wouldn’t
just leave to be a single parent there is more to it. You wouldn’t let your parents
murderers roam free, Nhlalo-enhle Mabizela would let her mother’s murderers
roam free.
Me: there were four of them that night… three of them are dead.
Mkhulu: Umzuluku kaZikhali ke loyo.

Mkhulu was a Zikhali, He was my mother’s father, the whole family doesn’t know
who our grandparents from Baba’s side are, when we asked all he told us was
that he was “intandane”. Zikhali weapons was named after mkhulu, he worked
hard to build his empire and never trusted anyone with the job of being CEO after
40+ years of being CEO he stepped down and the CEO that followed him died
within a week he was shot dead in his office, that was when my father took over.
Me: mkhulu you know the night baba died he sent me voicenote, I don’t know
why he decided to talk to me when he could’ve called for security instead.
Mkulu: the night? No Nhlalo Mpiyakhe was shot during the morning after
breakfast.
Me: no. I got the message from at night, I remember, it was raining that night.
I looked at his tombstone again, it said he died two days before I recievef the
message. That meant the person who killed my father had his phone after he
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killed him, just to send me his last message. It left me with questions to who it
was, if it was also Loyiso.
Mkhulu: manje ushadile mawusho?
Me: we’re divorced, but we have a daughter.
Mkhulu: lomfana Lo uyangichwensa, soyithola Nini inhlawulo? And ilobola Lona?

Until the day he pays for just marrying you like you have no family don’t mention
his name to me.
Mkhulu and I walked back to the house, he wanted to know everything. It felt
good talking about those murders and knowing that mkhulu was proud of me. He
wanted to know how I killed them all, every detail of their deaths.
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Chapter 28
I kept thinking of what I’d do with the power, I knew I wanted to make a change
but I wasn’t exactly sure what change that would be. I had the idea, I needed to
show support for anti-human trafficking. Being held captive for prostitution really
opened my eyes and made me realise that it did exist and it happens to any
woman. I had that idea in my head for a few days then I decided to take action, I
contacted Cebile and she was happy to help and to support.
Me: how’s marriage?
Cebile: great, I never thought I’d find a man who could understand me that well
and our son is just an angel, his name is Asand'isizwe… so I might get pregnant
again.
Me: wow. That sounds nice.

I wondered why I couldn’t have that. I wanted that. I had that and I let it go. I
dived in the workload in an effort to shut the thought of Thabo out of my mind,
Zikhali weapons and the organisation had so much work to do that I didn’t have a
chance to breathe. Cebile called a few girls she knew from the Siseko incident,
most wanted to help. We thought they’d be the spokespersons for what the
organisation does, we finally came up with a name, The SHE organisation. The
logo had an African design woman with a stone in her hands, she was imbokodo.
After a few weeks Cebile really started to take over from me, I didn’t mind the
decrease in workload, I had time to focus on the state of Zikhali and what was
sinking it. A few months in and I had made progress, there were companies that
were paid for nothing, money disappeared and the quality of the weapons had
turned to rubbish. With all that stress, I resorted to the gun testing room for
relaxation, shooting down boards and calming myself with the smell of
gunpowder. Cebile had taken over completely on the organisation so on the day
of the preopening party, it had finally materialised, I gave a toast I wanted to
thank everyone for their dedication to the cause but halfway through my toast I
realised what I had to do.
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Me: … so thank you for coming and supporting us when we called, the donations
we get will be used to assist women… girls we did it we escaped and now we’re
helping others escape. I’d like to thank you all for coming and especially… to
Cebile our CEO. Thank you.
Cebile: CEO? What! This was your idea, your organisation. You deserve it.
Me: but you brought it to life so and Zikhali is already enough for me.
Cebile: thank you then.
Me: no. Thank you for being a leader to all of us, I personally admire how you
handle yourself after everything that happened to you, not many of us can say
they got married and had a child and are still happily married.
She shook my hand and carried on celebrating, the launch was in the next day, it
was going to be a fundraiser. We hoped that with funds we’d be able to get more
support for the communities who knew these men and who these people were,
being silent was part of the problem we wanted to solve that. With the funds
we’d get to build shelters where there would be full support and maybe have
therapists there to help them get through the first few months when (from my
experience) we’d make the worst decisions. With funds we’d initiate our support
scheme to help women better their lives after going threw that trauma.
The event started, I was glad to see Candice there, at least there was one family
member or.. one and a half. I wanted to prove that I wasn’t just daddy’s girl who
was funded to the success I was meant to have. SHE was my way to prove that I
could do something on my own without using daddy’s money to fund it.
Everybody got their drinks and when the introductions were done, it was time to
unveil the SHE logo, in hopes that it would encourage people to donate. It was
about 4 metres tall and was hand sculpted.
Cebile got on stage, she told about her stage fright but I didn’t think it was bad.
Cebile: I thank you all for being here, it’s not everyday that women get together in
harmony to support other women, if you don’t know me I am Cebile Moloi CEO of
the SHE organisation, I didn’t prepare a speech but all I have to say is that there
should be more events like this. There should be more awareness to human
trafficking. More measures taken to prevent it. More facilities to bring back
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purpose to those who escaped but feel lifeless. More rehabs who are sensitive
enough to care for the physical and mental well-being of the survivors. I’m not
saying we wait to be provided with these demands but I’m saying we fulfil these
demands. Thank you. But I’d like to call the woman who had this idea to come cut
the ribbon with me and maybe say a few words. Nhlalo.
I went onto stage, Cebile just put me on the spot, I great at public speaking so I
wasn’t that worried.
Me: good afternoon everyone… ninjani? That’s Zulu for how are you I stand here
today not as the chief executive officer of Zikhali weapons… but as a woman who
knows what happens to other woman in the world. Us as a gender suffer from
abuse from the workplace, at school even at home, they say “woman are never
safe until a man is around”... With all due respect that statement is rubbish, this is
just one stereotype. There are all these stereotypes set for a woman. She must
cook, she must clean she must look lady like, she should be smart but not too
smart, she should stay at home and watch the kids or have a job that pays less
than the man. Sadly some of us believe these that’s why people have this twisted
mindset of thinking they can sell a woman, human trafficking over the past years
has been the growing in number, woman get stolen everyday and taken to what
in the end would be their deaths. It’s the sad truth but I stand here today as a
survivor of human trafficking one of the very few, we can save more women with
awareness and support. We as the SHE organisation work to fight against the
human trafficking and strive to set a new stereotype for woman, one that doesn’t
need a man to be seen as successful, one that is as smart as can be and can dream
beyond having children and a husband that is when the sky is the limit. Let us be
the epitome of woman that the next generation will aspire from let us be SHE.
The ribbon was cut and the logo was unveiled, they clapped their hands and the
fundraising started. I wanted to see if Candice was still fine.
Me: what do you think?
Candice: I have cramps from standing. But wow, what you’ve done here is
amazing, it’s amazing how you all escaped and how you can tell your story
without fear…
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Me: There’s no need for there to be, this is a safe environment for all of us… I
know you don’t want to tell your story but I promise you if you do then it just
heals you.
Candice: I try to forget that day.

Candice once told me and Vanesa how her cousin raped her when she was 12, she
only told us because we were close back then and she didn’t want to report it
since she felt responsible because she dressed like a child, nobody ever told a
child to cover up. Feeling responsible because of the way you were dressed
wasn’t the right way to think of it, even if she was dressed in a her father’s clothes
that bastard still would’ve done the same. It didn’t make sense to me why she
didn’t report it and it still didn’t. She let that bastard go but he died in a car crash
a few months later… she spit on his grave. Venesa and I did worse.
Me: even talking to a therapist helps.

The party went on, Cebile's husband was so supportive of her and was happy for
her, I also got to meet their son, I held him. It made me think what Ama and
Ntando would be doing if they were there. I knew Ntando was there in spirit. I
saw a woman with vertigo walking in, with a albino girl, I knew exactly who they
were, Nolwazi came. I went to her, the moment she saw me she ran up to me and
hugged me.
Me: hi Nolwazi. Unjani?
Nolwazi: ngyaphila… you know now I’m going to a new school and I have new
friends and a new heart and I’m happy.
Me: you got the heart! Great for you, did you thank the person who gave you the
heart?
Nolwazi: Kuhle knows who she is but she doesn’t want to tell me.
Me: but you should still thank Kuhle, without her then you wouldn’t have found a
donor. How’s it in your new school?
Nolwazi: I like it and my friends have big houses and cars and one of my friends
mom invited me to a sleepover and we had a great time and ate a lot of sweets.
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Me: don’t forget who’s working to get you to that school and work hard so you
can stay there.
Kuhle was standing at the door watching us, I couldn’t read her expression but I
wanted to thank her for everything she was doing for Nolwazi so I went to her
and just thanked her. She didn’t say anything back but told Nolwazi that it was
time to leave. Fundraiser continued, at the end of the night, more than ten million
was raised, there was an anonymous check of one million but I assumed it was
from one of the shy people in the room.
After the event, news of the organisation spread like a wild fire, more women
shared their stories and told those of who could no longer speak for themselves.
The SHE healing facilities were in construction. I checked in a few times and every
time I didn’t regret giving the position to Cebile, we had a weird business friendly
friendship. That eventually grew to an actual friendship.
I was going to work when I got a call from Cebile. I wasn’t used to getting calls
from Cebile I was interested to know why she was calling.
Me: what do I owe the honour Mrs CEO.
Cebile: I just got off the phone with a producer who wants you to come for an
interview.
Me: what show is that? And aren’t you in the lime light, Mrs CEO.
Cebile: stop calling me that, you’re making me blush, the show It’s Our Voice
Jennica ,the host… well she listened to your speech and she wants to interview
you, it’ll be mostly about the organisation.
Me: should I be worried because I’ve never heard of that show.
Cebile: you should. I mean It’s Our Voice, everybody knows the show, she’s like
the Oprah of Africa.
Me: I’ll only go on it because you said she’s Oprah.
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Cebile: she’s not Oprah. She THEE Oprah of Africa. So don’t walk in there
expecting Oprah.
Me: I’ll check my schedule I might be free next Thursday.
Cebile: okay then, so you’ll settle it with your PA.

My PA. I hated my PA. My PA was Tyler, I had avoided that fact but it was true.
Tyler, the person who made me trust them just to turn around and made video of
my first time. It took me back to the past and how it was all unfair, I got frowned
upon but he got the high fives. I got to the office and I was sure I was going to fire
him… I don’t know what happened but as soon as I got in my office I was flooded
by work that’s how it happened everyday. After a while I chose to promote him to
being something else that didn’t involve me but all the positions were occupied
and I was stuck with him. After 8 years the first words he said to me were, “thank
you.” He acted like there was nothing to feel sorry about. He didn’t see his
mistake and I wasn’t going to beg him for his sorry's nor was I going to be
immature and fire him for something that shouldn’t bother me as much as it did.
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Chapter 29
The day of the interview came and I was set and ready or at least I thought until I
was make-uped and they nearly comb my hair, I refused and went on stage
looking like a hobo, but I liked it. The interview was going just fine until she asked
me the question I hoped she wouldn’t ask me.
Jennica: Nhlalo in your speech at the SHE organisation opening you spoke about
being a survivor, can you tell us more about your story.
For a moment I paused, I wanted to refuse but I knew there was a little girl out
there listening and she’d might find hope from my story.
Me: it was a year ago, I was kidnapped from my car and kept in a room alone for
days before I was sold to a prostitution ring master… he tried to break me, he
tried to break all of us but instead we broke free from that man and look at us
today, the SHE organisations CEO, Mrs Cebile Moloi survived with me she’s now
married, has a child and is determined to give that gift to other women out there.
Jennica: in all the videos that have been made of women telling their stories none
of them have actually expose the names of the people of offenders. Why is that?
Me: it’s fear. For some of we know that, man or people are still out there, the last
thing we want is to endanger the lives of our families and friends and of course
our own.
Jennica: thank you for sharing and thank you for standing up and making a
difference you and Mrs Moloi… nobody knows much about your personal life, but
there are rumours of you being married, are they true?
Me: no, I’m single.
Jennica: there you have it men if you’re looking for a strong, beautiful woman
who’s making moves in the world, she’s single. Jennica Okenade and this is Our
Voice.
The camera’s stopped rolling, Jennica shook my hand again.
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Jennica: thank you Nhlalo and I had to read what they wrote on the screen, these
men think we need them.
Me: thank you for saying that because I was a bit offended.
Jennica: Nhlalo. I’d love to have coffee with you soon or maybe a beer.
I gave her my business card.
Me: maybe tomorrow morning, for coffee, I don’t drink… anymore.
I had a coffee date with Jennica, I didn’t think much of it, once in a while there
wasn’t any harm in making friends. I got there earlier than her I was proud of
myself for being early.
Jennica: hi! I can’t believe I’m having coffee with my high school crush.
Me: high school crush? We went to the same school?
Jennica: you were a grade above me. And I can’t believe I told you that you were
my crush.
Me: wha,— really!
Jennica: some of the girls used to fantasize about being in the shoes of that girl
you used to date… The one that committed suicide.
Me: Braxton, why would fantasize about that?
Jennica: you were like the gentle, tuff, marshmallow like girl and when you
showed love to Braxton we all wanted to watch.
Me: you’re the reason why we stopped walking around together!
Jennica: I don’t want to dwell in how much of a creep I was so, how does it feel
being in power of Zikhali?
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Me: … how does it feel to be the host of a show that people actually watch?
Jennica: it feels like I’m being used, cute girl with a bomb cleavage and bomb ass
had to get the job… I could show you more of my cleavage,..
Me: oh! I already see enough.
Jennica: The reason I’m actually here is because a friend of mine actually works
for you… I mean the company you now own, I hope you will take recognition of
the abuse in the workplace, she always complains about being paid little for
working her ass off and I’ve heard of those jackals who prey on young girls looking
for a job.
Me: my promise to you is that your friend will never come complaining about her
job again.
Jennica: …so when you said you’re single you really meant it?
Me: why wouldn’t I mean it?
Jennica: most people say they’re single when they’re actually secretly sleeping
with someone… you know.
Me: I’ve grown out of that life.
Jennica: you can always fall back in for one last time… one last fling.
I felt her foot touch my leg, I moved my leg. There was nothing wrong with her,
but I wasn’t fine, I’d do her bad than good.
Me: I think it’s better if I get going I will check if all the sexual harassment
complaints by employees were handled correctly.
I left Jennica there, I know it’s rude to leave in the middle of a conversation or to
cut a conversation short but I had too many things to do than to sit around at a
coffee shop and flirt.
I thought of what Jennica said and I was going to solve that problem right after I
figure out what was going to cause for the company’s shutdown.
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Nobody works on Christmas Eve, except for me and the employees I promised to
pay for their extra hours, in my dismay one of them was Tyler. I was in my office
going through my father’s business Journals where he wrote all business
strategies the company used, I was hoping I’d find something useful for the
strategy I was coming up with. A knock-on the door disturbed me, Tyler came in
and sat down.
Me: I thought you could call me from the comfort of your desk so why are you
here?
Tyler: I don’t know I just love walking around or maybe you don’t answer your
phone.
Me: if this is not important then I think it’s best you get the fuck out of here or
else I’ll do something been dreaming to do for years.
He stood up and fixed his shirt then looking at me like he used to do back then. I
couldn’t believe that got me soft, I was stupid to even think he was cute now he
was a grown man with a weird baby face.
Tyler: somebody’s out here and he says he wants to see you.
Me: bring him in and can you make sure the boardroom is ready for the meeting
soon.
I called for a meeting, I was hoping to introduce myself to the board the right way.
Tyler: sure.
He smiled but I carried on doing what I was doing. The person came in, filling the
room with his scent which was soft yet masculine… I knew this scent all too well. I
wasn’t ready to face him.
Thabo: so are you going to ignore me?
Me: I have a lot of things to do.
Thabo: I was just around and I thought I should come see you.
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Me: I have a meeting to get to, so excuse me.

I stood up and left the room, I just wanted to disappear or for him to disappear or
else I was going to explode from emotions. I thought if left him there then he’d
leave but he followed me out, still talking, I was ignoring him until he said I was
running away… he said I was running away from our daughter.
Me: what? Thabo, please say that again.
Thabo: you’re running away from the responsibility of getting our daughter back.
I pulled him into a room because I knew he had started an argument and I didn’t
want to be the gossip of the week.
Me: Thabo. I’m working my ass off so I can go back to the social workers and
show them that I am fully capable of taking care of Unamandla. What are you
doing?
Thabo: I don’t know maybe I’m running for my life after I became the asshole who
sold everyone out to be with his family… only to find my wife had left me and
Olwethu…
Me: you chose to sell out. So don’t blame it on anyone else but you, you knew it
would eventually happen, Thabo you were selling drugs.
Thabo: I knew it would happen but I didn’t know I’d be betrayed my own wife.
Me: we’re divorced now so it’s ex-wife.
Thabo: … okay I didn’t come here to fight. I just wanted to tell you that last
week… last week I buried Olwethu.
Me: Olwethu. No. Thabo don’t lie to me.
Thabo: he would’ve wanted you there.

He turned around and walked away, before he opened the door, he turned
around again after seeing me on the floor, it was like he knew I needed a hug. I
couldn’t believe Olwethu was gone, dead. He was still so young. He had the whole
world to explore and I wanted to explore it with him. I was reminded of his last
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words, he called me his mother, I promised him I would come back to him with
Ama… I promised him. I could’ve… I should’ve taken him to the beach. The tears
just fell by them self, Thabo lifted my face and wiped them off, I really needed the
kiss I thought he was going to give, but he pulled away and stood up.
Thabo: well bye then.
Me: wait so wherever you’re staying you’re all alone?
Thabo: when a whole drug cartel is after you, it’s better to run alone.
Me: but it’s Christmas Eve the least I could do is offer you a seat at my family’s
table tomorrow.
Thabo: I’ll show up then.
Me: I wished spent last Christmas together. Don’t you?
Thabo: bye then.

He left, he didn’t even look back, that’s how it hit me that we were over. I walked
away too, I didn’t want to dwell on my emotions because I had a meeting to get
to.
The big cats, the ones that controlled thr economy with every move they made…
the board of directors of Zikhali weapons.
Me: afternoon ladies and gent… just gentlemen. I apologize for disturbing you
from quality time from your families but bus—
Mr Zungu: uphi uMuzi?
Me: that’s what I want to talk about. Muzi’s no longer the CEO, I am. For those
who don’t know me I’m Nhlalo Mabizela, but I’d appreciate if we keep it
professional and just say Mrs La… Ms Mabizela. I look forward to working with
you all here… any questions so far?
Mr Davidson: Nhlalo. So please tell me what is it exactly that makes you so

qualified to be in this position, last I heard you were in high school right?
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Me: Charles. Didn’t you start working for the company after your father retired?
Why can’t I do the same?
Mr Davidson: that’s a different story. I worked in the warehouse packing boxes.
Me: you were only 14 and you weren’t qualified so why is it wrong that I do the
same?
Mr Davidson: you’re the CEO! A CEO is not just a girl who knows nothing about
this business.
Me: I grew up watching my father do this and I know I can do it two times better.
Mr Davidson: you’re a child! I say the board must vote. All apposed to this
shenanigans.
They all picked up their hands, I guess I was dealing with a tough crowd.
Mr Zungu: it’s unanimous, you are not fit to be on that chair.
Me: you all seem to forget that I own 50.2% of this company. So my vote is the
deciding vote and I say I’ll do this job twice as good as my father. We can bet on
it.
Mr Zungu stood up and left, the rest of the board members followed. I went back
to my office, whined down and poured myself a glass of whiskey. Tyler came in,
he stood at the door smiling.
Tyler: I have a few ideas I’d like to pass by you.

He sat down and actually thought I’d listen to them.
Me: Ty. If you’re sure they’re good then you can go present them.
Tyler: if the boss says so. Nhlalo, a few friends and I are going out for a Christmas
Eve party. When they found out you’re around they asked if I could invite you.
Me: Ty. Close the close the door behind you.
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Tyler: ok, fine how about coffee just me and you.
Me: I’m your boss. Don’t forget that. I think I already told you to close the door
when you leave.
Tyler: come on, Nhlalo you’re always locked in this office, I haven’t seen that
beautiful smile of your in years, so just a few minutes of coffee. Please.
Me: Ty. Close the door when you leave.

I was in no mood to get drunk in public, the wild life just wasn’t for me anymore.
As for having coffee with Tyler, that was never gonna happen I refused to fall in
his traps again. I slept in the office. I left the next morning. Yet by then everything
was all set. The decorations were all merry and the chef’s were cooking up a
storm in the kitchen.
As I walked in Muzi stopped me at the door.

Muzi: ubukhuphi?
Me: I was at work, I drank one glass of whiskey and thought it would be
irresponsible of me to drive.
Muzi: I don’t believe you but you’re a grown adult and I control you. Just go
shower and lunch will be served.
I went and cleaned up, I wondered if Thabo was going to come like he said he
would. I had a moment in the bathroom where I cried because I remembered that
Olwethu was dead. I got out of the bathroom and I dressed up. I wore simple
leggings, a sweater mama bought for me a few years back and a girly necklace I
thought I’d never wear. Mama had good style.
Candice: you look like Lethu.
Me: she liked her sweaters and I think she also had the same necklace. This is
cute.
Candice: It really is. How’d you spend your last Christmas with hubby?
Me: yoh! I wasn’t even home on Christmas. I spent it in rehab.
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Candice: so you didn’t do anything romantic?
Me: I would’ve loved to but I was in rehab and there’s not much romance in being
five months pregnant. But, last night Thabo came to my office and I offered him a
seat at our table today.
Candice: Never say never. So is he hot? Tall? muscular?
Me: he’s tall, hot? That’s for you to decide.

We sat down and the lunch started, I kept waiting for that intercom to ring,
waiting for Thabo to arrive, I was proud to announce that we were once married.
Candice: so before we get into the main course, Nhlalo told me that her ex
husband is coming over at anytime now.
Me: he didn’t say he was coming he said maybe. But if he does come here I want
you all to have a background so you don’t ask him odd questions.
Mkhulu: umbhedo ke Lo, angeke nje yenzeke leyonto. Angeke angene la unless
uzokhokha ilobola.
Me: he’s a therapist. His mother’s going through a criminal investigation so she’s
in prison and the rest of his family is dead. So let’s be his family for this one
Christmas. Please… mkhulu.
Muzi: sounds like the backstory of a con artist.
Candice: babe, no. Let Nhlalo have this, who knows maybe we might get them
married again in a few years.
The doorbell rang, the maid opened the door, I met him halfway, he was wearing
a tight Long sleeve T-shirt, he had muscles in all the right places and in all the right
size. Last I checked he wasn’t Mr muscles, I was shocked, so shocked I almost
ignored the wine he was carrying and almost turned on.
Me: what in the steroids?
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Thabo: uyaphapha, my therapist said I should get a new hobby.
Me: you. Chose well. Okay I’m about to introduce you to my family don’t panic.
But first I want you to meet my grandma, Mama, Lethu and baba or as he might
refer to himself The Great Mpiyakhe Mabizela.
I showed him pictures in the hallway and Baba’s picture did actually have big bold
letter stating he was The Great Mpiyakhe Mabizela.
Thabo: you look like your father.
Me: so? You also look like your father.

We walked into the room laughing. Muzi was sipping his beer, showing Thabo he
was suspicious of him, Candice had her mouth open, probably because she was as
surprised as I was, Lee was playing with his food and Mkhulu looked disturbed.
Thabo: sanibonani.
Mkhulu: Langa?...
Me: everyone this is Thabo Langa, I was once married to him and he’s the father
of my child Unamandla. Thabo this my family, Muzi, Candice, Liyanda and Mkhulu.
Candice: nice to meet you.
Thabo: I’ve been told a lot about you all. it’s great to finally meet you too.
Mkhulu: Sbongiseni? Cha, cha! Cha! Ufile Wena. Sbo—

He fell to the ground holding on to his chest. I called and ambulance, everybody
had surrounded him. He had fear in his eyes, fear of death himself.
Candice: he’s having a heart attack!
Muzi: where’s the ambulance!
Thabo: let’s make space for him to at least breathe.

I didn’t know what to say, Mkhulu was dying. That would be too many deaths for
me to handle. Thabo held my hand, I was afraid. The ambulance came and took
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him, Muzi drove Candice and I to the hospital. I thought Thabo would leave but a
few minutes after we arrived he got there asking me if I was fine.
Me: he’s not responding and they… the nurses said we should leave the room. I… I
don’t know.
Thabo: I asked if you’re fine?
Me: no I’m not. Mkhulu is going to die in there and maybe just maybe I just feel
like jumping off this hospital’s roof.
Thabo: he’ll be ok, karma won’t let him die.
Me: what? Karma?
Thabo: karma I mean it’s Christmas and there’s good karma all around us.
Me: are you hungry? You didn’t even get a chance to eat.
Thabo: I’ll be okay.

He held my hand, looking at them together without the rings was the awful
reminder that we were separated and after that day we might be nothing more
but strangers. The nurse informed us that Mkhulu was stable, we went in to see
him, the poor man had so many machines around him. Candice cried when he
saw him. We sat there hoping he’d wake up, I really thought Thabo would get
tired and leave but he stayed right through until noon.
The thought of what Mkhulu was panicking about was confusing. Sbongiseni was
Thabo’s father, why would Mkhulu look at Thabo who looked like the spitting
image of Sbongiseni and have a heart attack. What was it that Sbongiseni did to
him to instil so much fear in him.
Me: Mkhulu knew your father?
Thabo: I don’t know much, I was only 5.
Me: …thank you for helping me not fall apart completely.
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Thabo: … I’ll see when I see you then.
Me: and thank you for meeting my family.
Thabo: what if we meet up to talk about Unamandla.
Me: lunch tomorrow?
Thabo: how about dinner.
Me: dinner. I’d like that.
Thabo: hope your grandfather gets better soon.

He went in the car and I got a second to take a breathe before I went to the car
since Candice and Muzi were waiting for me.
Muzi: how did you meet this guy? Let me guess it was at a bar?
Candice: you’re just jelly.

I couldn’t decide if I was wanted to tell them the whole story of how we met or
just the sugar-coated lies.
Me: I bumped into his car, I also thought he was a con-artist but he turned out to
be a pretty great guy.
Candice: babe, she’s kicking. Our little Zuri is kicking.
Me: her name is Zuri? Wow.
Muzi: Nhlalo don’t ruin this for me, this is the first time she’s kicking when I’m
around.
Muzi stopped the car and actually tried feeling the kicks, Candice and Muzi were
made for each other. It just reminded me of how I used to walk around the house
chasing Thabo so he could feel the babies kicks. After Muzi, I also placed my hand
on Candice's belly and felt the kicks. I could wait to meet little Zuri. The car
started again.
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Candice: I have a feeling you two still have something going on.
Me: we’re divorced. That probably means we’re not good together… but here I
am going to dinner tomorrow.
Candice: people get divorced by mistake nowadays, so I say go get your man.
Muzi: don’t listen to her. She’s high on hormones. I say let it be and work on your
career.
Candice: I’m high on hormones. Muzi, don’t act like you didn’t put this baby in
me.
We got to the house, I had work to do, to think the whole Christmas lunch had
gone to waste. After what happened I wasn’t in the mood to eat.
The next evening came, Candice was giving me tips on things to do so I could
know if he was trying to reconcile with me. It was body language, eye contact and
where he took me.
I arrived at the spot he sent me the location to only to find that it was a landing
area for helicopters. This wasn’t going where I thought going… right? It was going
there, a helicopter landed and he made his entry. I couldn’t read body language
but the eyes were as good as a mirror into his mind.
Thabo: you look beautiful as always.
Me: you aren’t robing banks right?
Thabo: no. I just wanted this night to be one to remember.

We got on the helicopter, it was taking us on a tour of the beautiful scenes of the
city. Even though I wasn’t a stranger to them I enjoyed showing Thabo around. I
had a few stories to tell of some of the places, like the club that let us in even
though we were 15 year olds, the road I was racing on when I crashed the
Koenigsegg, where they served the best smoked pork chops in the city and where
my high school is.
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After an hour the helicopter landed on a plain field, then Thabo and I walked to
where the dinner was. It was a table that stood in the middle of plain field of
green grass, it had wine, food and desert and as a centrepiece there was a
beautiful lantern.
Me: I swear I’ve seen this on a movie somewhere.
Thabo: how did it end?
Me: the night ended with a kiss I think but at the end the protagonist died from
cancer… your cancer? I don’t want this to end like the movie, is your cancer—
Thabo: in remission so you can enjoy this knowing that I this won’t end with me
dying.
Me: isn’t it weird that I’m speaking of a movie you’ve never watched?
Thabo: how about you come over to my place and we can watch it together.
Me: once I know a movie I’ll just be a spoiler. So I’ll just tell you the name of it and
you can watch it by yourself.
Time for talking was over, it was time to eat. We didn’t feed each other food, but
we did talk throughout the whole time we ate. After. Dinner and dessert we
started walking back to the helicopter.
Thabo: Nhlalo, just know that I really regret not taking you on more of these while
we were married.
Me: the movie nights together were enough for me.
Thabo: I never thought we’d be divorced this soon.
Me: I’m sorry for what I did. Everything I did. I really do wish I didn’t kill Wayne
and I’m sorry because if I didn’t kill him then maybe Ntando would still be here.
Thabo: no need to apologize, you never know maybe what I’ve done to you is
worse than what you’ve done to me.
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Me: thank you for the dinner.
Thabo: I’d like to spend tomorrow night with you again.
Me: you know I’m not gonna be your booty call, right?
He just laughed.
Thabo: I know and I would never disrespect you in that way.
Me: you should also spent at least a year without sex just to mourn.
Thabo: if I leaned in for a kiss right now what would you do?
His eyes said they wanted my lips on his, his body language spoke the same and
the place was peacefully quiet. Was he trying to get me back?
Me: I… lean in and I’ll show you.

We nearly kissed but then I tripped and it wasn’t romantic anymore. We got back
on the helicopter, once it landed where it picked me up Thabo and I went our
own ways.
The next morning, I got to work. Nobody was there, I went to fetch a few files I
left. There water was running in one of the male bathrooms, the water bills were
not the biggest expense so I just told myself I’d find the files I was looking for and
then go close the tap. The files were on the table so I quickly took them yet on my
way out the water had stopped running. I called out for whoever was in the office
to show themselves but they didn’t. I went back to my office, opening the first
drawer to the left and pulled out a gun and making my way to the bathroom. I
opened the door as soon as I saw socks hanging from one of the doors of the
toilets I knew there was a person there. So I held on to my gun tighter and went
in.
Tyler? He was sitting on one of his coats, looking at me like I wasn’t supposed to
see what I saw.
Tyler: don’t shoot!
Me: Ty what the F! What are you doing here? With all your clothes?
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Tyler: my father threw me out.
Me: you earn enough to get a decent apartment or a hotel room for a few nights.
Tyler: I need the money for my beer.
Me: and you expect me to feel sorry for you? You’re trespassing. And you’re a
grown ass man so get your act together. Weren’t you the one that told me you
wanted to make your parents proud? So what happened? If didn’t party and drink
as much as you do then maybe you’d have money for rent. There comes a time in
life where you have to decide between being nothing and being something and all
it could take is putting the bottle down. Or sometimes this is how karma works.
I left him there, by the time I got to my car I realised what I did was insensitive
and just childish. I called one of the estate agents I knew to consult them about
one of the apartments baba owned without Mama knowing. I gave the agent
Tyler’s number and I was willing to rent it out to him for free for January then
he’d start paying rent on February.
I got a call from a private number, I answered like I was already expecting a
telemarketer.
Other side: you’ve won one free day to rest from work, to cash out click 1, to opt
out cli—
Me: Thabo.
Thabo: I’d buy anything you’re selling.
Me: I’d like if I had someone to share my boredom with this evening.
Thabo: let’s go to the pork chops place. Unjani umkhulu?
Me: he’s recovering. So you won’t believe what just happened…

I told him how I found Tyler and what I said to him versus what I did. I hadn’t
realised it until then how we used to gossip! We got together at the pork chops
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place and continued to gossip. Yet at the end of that lunch date we managed to
almost ask each other if we wanted to go on another date.
Thabo: ngyay'khumbula ikhathi ezinjena.
Me: meet too.
Thabo: but honestly. I can make better pork chops.
Me: that’s impossible.
Thabo: wanna bet on it?
Me: fine. I bet you that you won’t make better pork chops than these.
We were walking around and we passed a cinema, since we were care free we
went in and code to watch a four hour long biography. We spoke all the way
through it, there were so many chances for us to take it further but maybe that
was the understanding we had of the separation. After the movie, it was late and
we walked back to where my car was parked.
Me: you still have my watch!
Thabo: I like it and it has sentimental value, that’s why I still have it.
Me: if I actually came to that restaurant on our anniversary then what would’ve
happened? I ask myself that sometimes. You never actually gave me my gift.
Thabo: you would’ve loved— liked it … it was charcoal grey and… that’s all I can
say.
Me: what was it? Was it a diamond? I don’t like diamonds so was it a gun? It was
a gun wasn’t it?
Thabo: some people call it a gun… but it wasn’t a gun.
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Me: what? Was it like made of pure gold or something and the bullets too?
Thabo: it wasn’t a gun.

Then a thought came to me of what we once we’re and what we were then.
Things didn’t work out the first time then why were we doing, I wasn’t sure where
all this was going but I wanted to know because being friends just wasn’t the idea
in my head.
Me: why are we doing this?
Thabo: doing what?
Me: why are we, walking here… with you? Why do I have this feeling of butterflies
in my stomach? Why are we doing this? We both know it isn’t going anywhere.
Thabo: we might be divorced but we can still be friends.
Me: what if I don’t want to be friends? I want to be more than a friend or nothing,
because I’m walking here wondering if I should kiss you… because I want to kiss
you but I don’t Want be break this friendship.
Thabo: I’m here because I know I won’t get Unamandla back but you can and I
want to have a decent relationship with you so maybe I could see our daughter.
Me: I don’t want just a decent relationship. I want the touching, the kissing! The
caressing! The deep conversations. I want the sex and the “I love you's”.
Thabo: well... I’m sorry for trying to keep a relationship then.

He walked away, so he chose to be nothing. I walked back to my car and drove
back to the Mabizela mansion. Candice was waiting up for the big news. I got
there and threw his jacket on the couch.
Candice: so….
Me: He chose to be nothing.
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I went to my bedroom and locked the door, opened my laptop and dived back
into my work.
I couldn’t sleep. Half way through the night there was a knock on the front door.
When I opened it, Thabo was standing there, he wasn’t drunk or anything.
Me: ufunani?
Thabo: my jacket.
I went to fetch it and gave it to him, when our hands couched he held mine and
pulled me closer for a kiss, I missed those. He walked away after that. I closed the
door smiling like a fool. I wondered why he kept pushing me away just to pull me
right back.
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Chapter 30
The next morning I got ready for work like usual but when I got out of the
driveway there was a car parked right in front of the garage. Okay not JUST any
car it was a Koeningsegg. I called the whole family out, some of them were still
asleep, only Muzi came down.
Muzi: you finally bought your dream car. My sister’s making moves.
Me: I’d say thank you if it was mine.
Muzi: it’s not yours? Eyabani ke?
Me: I don’t know.

Muzi went to ask Candice. I got closer to it, a part of me was thinking what if it
had a bomb in it so instead I called the security at the gate.
Me: how did this car get in here without you seeing it?
Him: I just changed shifts with Michael.
Me: oh. Open the door then.

I didn’t want it to seem like I was throwing anyone under the bus but I wasn’t
opening that car myself. I had found myself something to hide behind, I heard the
door open but nothing happened.
The guard: there are flowers in the car.

I stopped hiding and went to see the flowers.
Me: thank you, you can leave then.

The flowers smelt great but there was a scent that put all the pieces together …
then it hit me that the car was a charcoal grey…. This was my anniversary gift. I sat
on the ground, covered my smile with my arms and the tears just fell.
Muzi: Nhlalo! You okay?
Candice: who’s car is this?
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Me: ah. It’s mine.
Muzi: wow. I thought nobody knew who's it was.

Muzi left, Candice was about to follow him back inside when I stopped her and
told her the whole story of the kiss the night before and why I didn’t know why
the car was mine.
Candice: Nhlalo. Go get your man!
Me: you say it like it’s simple.
Candice: it is. It should be. Loving a person is simple but love is a difficult path.
Just go to him. If he didn’t love you then this car wouldn’t be here right now.
Me: I can’t believe you’re encouraging this.
Candice: so are you gonna drive it or are you just gonna stare at it? I call shotgun
on the front seat.
Muzi came running out.
Muzi: no you’re not. Babe, Nhlalo is dangerous so my baby and my love are not
being driven by her.
Me: I’m not that bad.
Muzi: remember what you did to the first Koenigsegg?
Candice: didn’t someone die that night?
Me: no.
Muzi: he just got a panic attack from her dangerous driving… that kid was me. So
babe, you’re not getting in that car.
Candice: or what?
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Muzi: I’ll buy you your own of you want but I’m not letting you get in that car if
she’s behind the wheel.
I left the couple arguing. During the day I called Thabo a couple of times but he
didn’t answer. I didn’t want my first ride to be with anyone else but him.
I got to work and before I even got my morning coffee, Tyler got on the same
elevator as me.
Tyler: Enhle we’ve got bad news.
Me: since you couldn’t wait to tell me just say it then.
Tyler: the truck meant to deliver the guns to the airport for the order from the
Persian client was hijacked.
Me: what! How? There were security cars surrounding it how was it hijacked.
Tyler: we got a call from the driver, he says he’s in hospital, he sustained a few
injuries.
Me: Ty, call someone… what did the client say? Do they know?
Tyler: not yet.
Me: give me their number and I’ll contact them.

That delivery was worth 4.3 million, money that Zikhali needed. The Persians
were unreasonably understanding, they gave us a deadline of 2 days. I didn’t want
to send another truck just so it could also get hijacked. I was going to find that
truck no matter where it was. The whole day I was occupied with the issues of
finding the truck. I didn’t have any luck, since the tracker was disabled. As I went
deeper into the matter I found that this truck was the 5th one to be hijacked in the
last year, I had a feeling there was someone working with these hijackers to give
them the trucks routes.
That night I had a meeting, one of our investors pulled out of a deal. They didn’t
have a reason but I knew they just didn’t trust a woman to do a man’s job and a
part of me just wasn’t up for the fight. I left the office pissed, I got to my car and
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smoked. A knock on the window on the passenger seat, got me out of my stress. I
opened he door, Thabo got in.
Thabo: aw’ngiphe.
I gave him a cigarette, since I assumed that’s what he was asking for.
Thabo: I thought you said you quit.
Me: I said for the time being and if I don’t smoke right now then I’ll explode.
Thabo: is it Tyler?
Me: no. It’s all these sexist people. I mean I understand they don’t think I can’t do
it because I have no experience on paper. But the least they can do it give me a
chance.
Thabo: sometimes People mistaken you for spoilt… but I’m sure they’ll regret
pulling out when Zikhali weapons takes over.
Me: I feel guilty because I might be destroying what my father’s worked so hard
to achieve.
He started coughing when I said that, but I assumed it was the smoke.
Me: this morning one of our trucks traveling to the airport was reported stolen, it
isn’t the first one and I know it isn’t the last. There’s someone sabotaging them,
but I just want to know who has my guns… and I thought you’d use your contacts
and find out for me.
Thabo: what do I get if I find them?
Me: me.
Thabo: what about you?
Me: mxm yekela.
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Thabo: I’m joking! Let me make a few calls and I’ll tell you if I can find someone
who knows someone who knows someone who got a gun delivery today. What
type were they?
Me: Zikhali branded military guns.
Thabo: Adze, I’m looking for a few guns here… what type. They’re military guns I
prefer the ones made by Zikhali. Have any?... [ends the call] he just stocked up on
them. Let’s go. I drove home first, this was the perfect opportunity to drive my
new car, with the person I wanted to be on my passenger seat.
We went on a wild goose chase, part of it I enjoyed because it seemed like a late
night drive across the country and when the freeways were free, I let my beast
roar. Thabo was right, we did find someone who knew someone who knew
someone who knew someone, Adze got his delivery from the Quatez gang, they
were kind enough to tell us who they got them from. They got them from a guy
named Peter who (after a few teeth were pulled out by Thabo) then led us to his
boss, he called him Carlo.
We were nearly at the warehouse when Thabo, told me to stop the car, so I did.
He made it seem like it was serious so I was worried.
Thabo: you know I was joking about me not wanting you.
He smiled trying to look cute, I finally found the resemblance between Ama and
Thabo— their dimples. They we’re cute on Ama and just a little on Thabo too.
Me: go show your dimples to somebody else because I’m not falling for it.
Thabo: I’m sorry… Nhlalo…

He held my hands and pulled me closer to him, still flaunting his dimples. I pulled
back and started the car, I knew he was joking but I had my mind set on finding
those guns. I knew we were close.
Me: so who is Carlo and what does he do?
Thabo: who said I know Carlo?
Me: I have a gut feeling.
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Thabo: he’s everything. Loanshark, mafia, druglord, everything illegal… he has it,
you name it. Rumours has it that Daniels got his cheap stuff from him.
Me: he doesn’t sound so bad.
Thabo: but him and I… are not — on — the —best of terms.
Me: what did he do?
Thabo: it’s what I did to her daughter.
Me: I’m interested to know what you did…
Thabo: I was kind – of 21 back then and I kind – of broke Kathalina's virginity then
I said another girl’s name and she started shouting at me… she was kind – of 16.
But I didn’t know until he told me when he kind – of found us in his car. My balls
kind of nearly died.
Me: Well you’re fucked. You were a perv and you were rude.
We got to the warehouse where Carlo was at, right outside was the truck with its
driver inside, he was eating fried chips after costing me a deal. I got out of the car
and stood outside his door, at the sight of me he droped his food and got out of
the truck.
Me: didn’t you say you were in hospital after your injury in the hijacking?
Him: sorry boss lady. Please I have a family at home waiting for me.
Thabo: if you’re really sorry then you won’t mind giving us your uniform.
I wore the jacket and Thabo wore the pants, the truck driver was left without a
job and without clothes, oh and also tied up for in case he chose to be smart.
With the beanie on I felt like a real gangstress and Thabo next to me had a bucket
hat, he looked like uguluva. I had a handgun and Thabo had the big guns, he took
them from Adze. Before we got in I stopped and held his hand, he turned around,
raising his eyebrows as a way to ask me what the problem was.
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Me: thanks. Bab'Gintsa. [Chuckle]
Thabo: it’s been a pleasure Mam'Guluvakazi.

We walked in and the place was busy, the guns were being packaged into boxes,
they really thought they had us fooled.
“Langa. Long time not see”

We pulled out the guns, turning around to face the voice behind us only to find
that we had guns faced at us from all directions. In the middle stood a bald man
with a beard in white, he stood out from the rest.
Thabo: how’s Kathalina?

Carlo signalled and Thabo received a punch from on of the guards. Thabo liked
acting the tough cookie, he should’ve let me talk.
Carlo: who are you?
Me: Nhlalo La… Mabizela. And you’re the bitch who stole from me.
Carlo: AI! Yai! Yai! I take one day off for vacation and I get a call from these rats
telling me somebody’s after my guns.
Me: they’re Zikhali's and you’re going to return them before sunrise.
I cocked the gun with my shoe then pointing it straight at him.
Carlo: over my dead body, now put the guns down before I’m forced to hurt your
pretty little hairs.
We were surrounded, I was not going to put my gun down but Thabo put his on
the floor, knowing him, I had a gut feeling that he had a plan, so I kicked my guns
over to Carlo. With another signal the guards grabbed us ready to push us out of
the warehouse. Thabo was in front of me, as I passed Carlo stopped me. He ran
his fingers down my face.
Thabo: [groaning from pain] Carlos is in room number 684, Gregory hotel. He’s
about to receive a small plastic bag of coke, if I don’t send the room service a
message now he’s gonna get the bad stuff and by the time you get to him he’ll be
dead.
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Sometimes Thabo knew exactly when to talk, Carlo signalled again and the guard
unhanded us, Thabo sent the message which he needed to send.
Me: I came here for business. You took my guns and I want them back, with a full
tank of fuel.
Carlo: what makes you think I’ll do that? Darling.
Me: it wasn’t a question. If you want guns then we do it the right way. I sell guns,
you want guns.
Carlo: darling, you can’t just sell a truckload of guns to anyone.
Me: I know. But as the CEO I’ll make a plan, but I can’t have trucks disappearing
You just have to pay and I’ll deliver.
Carlo: I see, you can take your truck then.

He gave me a stack of money which I guessed was about 50 000 and a guard to
drive it to where it was meant to go. Before I left Carlo stood in front of me and
shook my hand.
Carlo: business partners, I still remember your mother, hm. Tell Ibanathi that I can
see her eyes, she passed down the sweetness of them to her children.
Who was Ibanathi? How could Carlo talk about the one feature I that didn’t look
like my father’s or mother’s. Maybe Ibanathi was my mother, my actual mother
and her eyes were green too.
It was a long night, I couldn’t drive with all the thoughts in my head of who
Ibanathi was, Thabo drove me back to the Mabizela mansion. I fell asleep during
the ride. I remember being dropped off but I was too drowsy to do anything so I
just got into bed.
There was a noise that woke me up. It was talking, it was mumbling but I could
tell the fear from it, I turned the lamp on, to discover that Thabo was next to me.
He was sweating profusely. It wasn’t the first time he had this type of dream but
this one was worse, it was like he was fighting. I had learnt that these were
nightmares that I had to wake him up from. So I called out his name a few times,
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he woke up with the same look he always had after a nightmare— fear. He was
catching his breathe when he thanked me.
Me: Thabo. What are these dreams about? What was this one about?
Thabo: I haven’t had that dream for so long. It used to happen, back when the
trauma was still fresh… but more than 20 years later it’s back.
Me: what’s happening in the dream.
Thabo: my family’s walking away from me, I can’t get to them, and they keep
going further away. When I get close enough gunshots kill them all.
Me: please cry.
Thabo: I’m fine, I just won’t sleep for the next week but I’m fine.
Me: Thabo, please cry. Wash that dream away with your tears.
Thabo: it’s not just one dream. It’s all my dreams, sometimes I see flames, when I
try to save Nomalanga and get her out the door is blocked by bricks of coke and I
can’t move 'em.
His eyes were turning red, I wanted to help him cry, his tears were so bottled up
they were eating him inside out. Crying wasn’t going to solve the problem but it
was going to help heal it.
Me: what else.
Thabo: I dream of Langalibalele, at first he was alone but now he’s with Ntando
and Olwethu they’re playing and they’re happy, it makes me think of the joy we
could’ve had together, sometimes they just disappear… leaving me all alone….
Other times you’re next to me.
His tears were there, he was about to let them fall then something stopped him,
they disappeared from his eyes like they were never there.
Thabo: now you see. I can’t cry.

I gave him pills to help him sleep and I also went back to sleep.
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The next morning I woke up and took a shower but when I got out of the shower
Thabo was out of bed, I didn’t know how I was going to explain him being at the
house to Muzi since he made it clear that he didn’t trust him.
“ufanani Wena la!”

Oh no, I ran out of the room wrapped in a towel. I nearly fell on my way down the
steps. Muzi was on one side of the table Thabo on the other.
Muzi: Nhlalo didn’t I say I don’t want him here. Phuma Lana Wena!
Candice: babe calm down, I’m sure there’s a good explanation for this… Nhlalo.
Me: there is.
Thabo: well say it before your brother kills me.
Muzi: Thula Wena, this is a family matter.
Me: Muzi. You can’t talk to Thabo like this. I can bring anyone I want here, just
like you used to bring Candice here, nobody said anything.
Candice: no! Don’t involve me in this! If you need me I’ll be in the Zen garden.
She left.
Muzi: Nhlalo you told me yourself that you want nothing to do with him. What
changed?
Thabo: nothing to do with me? Fine I’ll leave then.
Me: I know what I said. I was trying to convince myself I did that want to be with
Thabo.
Muzi: what does he have that you can’t just walk away from? Nhlalo, everything
you told me about him… think of it.
He followed Candice and I followed Thabo.
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Me: Thabo, it didn’t sound like… whatever I told Muzi was exaggerated, I was
tryi—
Thabo: you want nothing to do with me and I want nothing to do with you.
He was walking away, I ran in front of him and made him look at me straight to
my eyes. I interlocked my fingers with his.
Me: tell me you want nothing to do with me again.

He smiled and pulled me closer to him, just whisper “ I’ll be waiting for you
tonight”
That date led to a other, I looked forward to the next night, after that night I
looked forward to the next, until it became a string of night outs. We didn’t do
much except have fun but nothing irresponsible. one night went to the carnival
the next we just walked around town, I was showing him around the place but we
nearly got mugged. Other nights we’d order takeaways and just stay in and on
one night we just laid around. On this night he… well we cooked, I intentionally
got the flour everywhere so we took a shower together, we were both naked and
a kiss escalated to more… All the questions of what this is or could be seeped
deep behind what I wanted to do to him and what he wanted to do to me. A
thought constantly lingered in my mind asking myself if this was the last time. If
this was our goodbye, it made me want to enjoy it more and to make him enjoy it
just as much. His touch reminded me of all little things he used to do just to get
me to call out his name during an orgasm. His scent reminded me of all the
moments I held him tight with sweat dripping from both of us and how we were
both too tired to untangle from each other. The taste of his lips reminded me of
all the times he'd use them to comfort me and to reassure his love for me. I
wondered if it was still there, that love he claimed for me. I wondered if he still
felt it, if it had reignited with my presence. I was surprised this was our fist time
we actually had sex since our divorce.
We were sitting on the couch, naked watching a romcom about a divorced

couple.
Thabo: what if we get married again?
Me: we’ve already tried and it didn’t the work.
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Thabo: it did work, we were a good couple and at least we’ll know our
weaknesses and we’ll work on them.
Me: don’t worry I’ll be there on your wedding day, when you marry someone
else.
Thabo: you know I won’t let you marry anyone else but me, right.
Me: the truth is we’ll have to move on at some point and maybe you’ll find
someone better than me and you’ll just fall into the relationship without
drowning.
Thabo: but at least I’ll know there was once a person I really loved. I love you.
He gave me a cup of tea, I embraced all the “I love you(s).” without fear of them
being lies, without fear of getting hurt, whatever Thabo and I were doing was a
great but it was the going to last unless it got somewhat serious or if we decide to
finally move on. He kissed my forehead before he went to sleep, I followed him
afterwards.
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Chapter 31
I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I couldn’t breathe, Thabo was
next to me so I woke him up, I didn’t know what was wrong but it felt like my
lungs weren’t working at all. Thabo didn’t know what to do either.
Thabo: Nhlalo uright?
I got my breathe and managed to tell him, “angikwazi ukuphefumula” I turned

around to take the car keys when I got them, Thabo took them from me. I thought
he was going to drive but instead he threw them out of the room. I didn’t have
the breathe to scream or shout only to ask him why. He walked around the room
looking frustrated. He turned around getting closer to my face.
Thabo: why am I doing this? You act like you did nothing. You made me fall in love
with you then you got me arrested then you just left me! Loyiso told me I should
just get rid of you sooner but how do I kill the woman I love, my wife and the
mother to child.
He stood up throwing the lamp across the room. “Be careful of a many with many
dimensions… you never know if one has hurt you” Loyiso knew exactly what he
was talking about, I should’ve also known, I should’ve never let my guard down
now I was paying the price for it.
He sat down and drunk the whole bottle of wine before throwing it against the
wall.
Thabo: do you know how my father died? My father was the smartest man I ever
knew, he worked hard— so hard that he didn’t have time for his wife or his
children. That’s how the man I call my grandfather got the chance to rape her and
Thembi… his hard work paid off, he got his promotion, he became the CEO.
He stood up and sat down again, tightening his fists. I didn’t know where the story
was going or if he was just passing time so I’d die.
Thabo: that night we celebrated, we had a real cake for the first time.. it was my
birthday. He said we’d spent father son time, I went to work with him on his first
day of being the CEO. I was happy— I was going to have a better life… until
Mpiyakhe Mabizela that bastard shot my father dead and your grandfather knew.
In fact he was there, that’s why he had a heart attack, he couldn’t believe the
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ghost of his best friend was back to haunt him. My father after all his hard work,
all the hard work he did to get that company running the only thanks he got was
Mabizela shooting him. Nhlalo your father killed my father, I was there, your
father took me and he then killed my whole family in front of me. My mother,
Thembi and Julius, that’s the day I ran out of tears. Then he told me to lie, this
story everybody knows is a lie, he told me to say them.
I knew Thabo the Thabo I knew wouldn’t let me die but maybe he didn’t have
many dimensions in him maybe this was just the real him a traumatised 5 year old
boy yearning to be set free.
Thabo: I had planned my revenge, it was simple break in the Mabizela mansion kill
your father and make it seem like a robbery. I hired absolute fools to do the job!
You know what they did? They take the daughter and the mother and murder
them. Nhlalo I didn’t mean for their deaths to happen all I wanted was for your
father to die begging, I wanted him to beg just like he made my father beg, then
he’d die.
Maybe I didn’t know Thabo, I couldn’t count on him to remember our daughter
and to save me, so I tried to save myself or at least die with him. He killed my
mother and sister all this time I was targeting the wrong people when the snake
was right under my nose. With my last strength I held onto his leg and started
lifting myself up. I finally stood up, being me I wasn’t going to die with my tail
between my legs. He couldn’t believe it, I looking into his eyes they were as dark
as his persona— darker than the night of all the lies he’s told and been told, from
all the secrets he’s kept, from all the tears he’s built up. He was killing me but all I
wanted to do for him was be with him, why? I didn’t know why. He killed my
father but I couldn’t hate him for it. I was grasping for my last breathe, I could
smell death— it smelt of darkness with a hint of soft yet masculine.
Thabo got closer to me, the last thing I wanted to do was kiss him but I kissed
him. The man that was bringing me to my death was the same man who I was
married to, I had a children with him, he taught me how to cry and how to speak
about my emotions. I genuinely cared for him, it sounds stupid to say but we had
something special. I wanted to be there to kiss his demons away.
I was fading.
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Chapter 32
I opened my eyes thinking I was in my eternity, it was white, I guess this was what
death felt like until I heard a door open. I lifted my head to see Thabo holding a
tray full of food. I was confused, I could recall everything that happened the night
before and I was sure it wasn’t a dream.
Me: why am I still alive?
Thabo: breakfast for the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Me: you’re planning to poison me again?
Thabo: I thought I’d make you tea and you can choose what you like… there’s
more food in the kitchen.
Me: so you can poison me again?
Thabo: I just want you to know I love you.
Me: Zanothabo! Stop ignoring me, now listen to me. I think it’s best if we stay out
of each other’s lives there are a million reasons why we shouldn’t be together.
When I get Unamandla back maybe we can work out a way to co-parent.
I left the room, he ran after me and stopped me, holding me back.
Me: Thabo let me go or I’ll scre—

He pulled me to him and kissed me, I kissed him back, I didn’t know how to pull
back from the passion the kiss possessed.
Thabo: now tell me you feel nothing. I know you feel something… you just don’t
want to admit that it’s love.
Me: I felt nothing.

He held me closer to him, I refused to look into his eyes, I feared the darkness in
them, I feared how I wanted to bring light to that darkness.
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Thabo: look at me and tell me to my face that you hate me then.

I falling into his eyes, but I pushed him away.
Me: what the fuck! You’re playing mind games with me and I don’t like it whe—
Thabo: I’m not, now I’m giving you a chance to shoot me. Kill me.
He took out a gun and forced it onto my hands, we were in the kitchen, he had
guns everywhere.
Me: is this your way to get back at me? Are you recording this?
Thabo: maybe I am, so I’ll make it look like you were protecting yourself.
Me: I can’t, my father took your father away from you, you took mine away from
me but I can’t take Unamandla's away from hers. Usale Kahle Thabo.
I put the gun down. I left the hotel, took a quick bath at home before I went to
work, I had a meeting, Tyler was presenting his marketing ideas, I was already late
to the meeting. When I got there I didn’t hear one word he said but his ideas
seemed to impress everyone so I guessed he’d get a promotion and I’d finally get
a new PA.
I went to my office to drink my tea in peace, sadly I couldn’t have that since Tyler
walked in just as I started to enjoy it.
Tyler: I just wanted to say thanks for the apartment and for not telling everyone.
Me: unlike you I don’t share a person’s private matter or just privates with
everyone.
Tyler: you’re not in a good mood.
Me: I’m not in a good mood? I haven’t been in a good mood for the past 8 years,
Tyler you violated my privacy and the fact that you don’t have enough decency to
apologise just means you’re the same dick from back then.
Tyler: Enhle…
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Me: Ty no Tyler actually no Mr Moseley I have to make it clear to you that you
and I are not friends. I am your boss and you just another employee. Believe me
you don’t want me to get personal with you.
He stood up and left, it was time for me to become a real boss, so I turned on my
laptop and went threw the company’s finances for the last year. No wonder the
company was sinking half the transactions that took place didn’t make sense.
Nobody messes with my company I was going to make sure to set an example
these people will never forger.
I spent 3 weeks doing my investigation on these companies that were paid

millions for nothing. They weren’t even companies. They were just fronts that
people used to steal money. Those people thought they’d just steal and wouldn’t
get caught, I was ready to show them the wrath of Nhlalo. You’d think after nearly
dying. I’d spend more time with my family… Zikhali weapons was my father’s baby
so somehow I felt closer to him even knowing the disgusting truth about it.
I had called for a board meeting, for some reason I was the last one there even
thought I called for it. I got all suited up for it, I wanted to look serious. I came in
and the room went silent.
Me: good morning everyone I have a fe—
Mr Zungu: you finally realise you’re not the man for the job?
Me: no. Mr Zungu why are you sitting on my chair when you’ve been fired?
He looked confused.
Mr Zungu: Nhlalo you seem to forget that I’m a shareholder and I was assigned to
this seat by the votes of my fellow shareholders.
Me: 2 million for all your shares.
Mr Zungu: what game do you think this is? My shares cost 3 million more than
what you’re offering me. Who said I’m selling?
Me: I’m telling you that you’ll take this 2 million, give me all your shares and walk
away from Zikhali like you were never involved or else I’ll be going to the police to
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report the theft of 3 145 000, you’ll be left bankrupt and in prison with your wife
and children left hating your name.
He deflated back onto the chair.
Me: Mr Zungu you don’t fuck with my father’s money the same goes to each and
every one of you who thought you’d steal and I wouldn’t notice.
Mr Zungu: Sonke sihleli la siyalazi iqiniso. Mpiyakhe wasn’t your father, you act
high and mighty for someone who was found on the streets.
Me: get out! All of you get out!
Mr Davidson: this is not the way to do business.
Me: Mr Charles Davidson I have 8 women who’ve complained about being

offered a raise for sexual favours and 3 reporting you touching them in places you
shouldn’t, having 11 women telling the same story won’t look good in the
courtroom. Before you get too comfortable on that seat— you’re fired and I’ll be
expecting a list of the people who’ve gotten a raise or promotion from giving you
these sexual favours.
Mr Davidson: how about you report your father too. He wasn’t above it, girlie.
Half the time he had his pants down in that exact offic—
They started laughing.
Mr Zungu: remember when we still had those whores come over on Fridays.
What did we call it again?
They called it horseriding Fridays, I knew because baba used to get excited for
those Fridays.
Mr Zungu: horseriding Fridays! We should bring those back and maybe you might
find your mother from one of those whores.
An eerie emotion came over me since I knew these were the talks that defamed
women.
Me: shut up! Hayi man! You psychopaths disgust me. Talking about the same
people that birth you like they’re just meat to devour.
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Mr Zungu: Nhlalo you’re fighting a battle you don’t have stamina for.
Me: if you don’t want me to announce what each and everyone of you have been
doing to the police you’ll leave. Zikhali weapons needs loyal people and not
greedy snakes like you. If you leave from this seat I’ll be expecting to see your
shares in the market in the next week or I’ll tell the police what you’ve been up
to.
I thought I was very stern, I stood up straight, fixed my tie and grinned a little. All
the board members stood up and left, some even swearing at me behind my
back. There was only one person left seated in the room, Mr Graham I wasn’t
surprised, the man had nothing to run away from, he was my father’s advisor and
I hoped he’d be mine too.
Mr Graham: the only reason I didn’t leave is because I promised your father I’d
show you the right way and this wasn’t it.
Me: but taking sexual favours is?

We shook hands before he left I was left by myself in the room. I already knew
who’d fill the seats. In my board of directors I wanted people like sister Edna, the
fact that she was still a cleaner after working for the company for 30+ tears was a
fact that she was experience but was never given the chance to show her skills. I
went for women like her, people who I knew had proven their loyalty to the
company and were going to be an asset. I went to my office to get the car keys,
Mr Davidson’s words echoed in my ears and the slight smell of my father made
me sick, I recalled the day I found Venesa giving my father a blow job, it was like I
could see it all over again, her mouth was open and he ejaculate into her mouth
and she swallowed. I threw up in the dustbin, then I stood up again I had tears
falling from my eyes. It was that first time I ever thought of it rationally, a grown
ass man with grown ass children slept with a 16 year old child… maybe they
hadn’t gotten that far but it was going there. I had to admit my father was just
like the men I fired, maybe even worse. I sat down and I just let tears fall. Out of
anger I kicked the dustbin across the room then I called for the cleaners to clean
the office thoroughly and I asked my PA to get me new furniture then I left the
room.
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On my way out of the building, I was met with a huge bouquet of flowers next to
my car. I know what Thabo was trying to do and I wasn’t going to entertain him,
so I got in my car and drove away like I didn’t see them. I thought he knew me
well enough to know I wasn’t that type of girl.
When I got to the Mabizela mansion I went straight to Muzi, pulled him into the
closet he already knew I was angry.
Muzi: how did the meeting go?
Me: why didn’t you tell me?

I covered my face in an attempt to hide my tears.
Muzi: tell you what?
Me: why didn’t you tell me the whole world knew the woman that birth me
abandoned me as a child. Why didn’t you tell me they knew I was adopted?
Muzi: Nhlalo… are you crying? I don’t know how they know. It was Mkhulu and I
in the room and I’d never tell anyone that.
I wiped off the tears before I let my hands uncover my face.
Me: I’m not crying, well is he back.
Muzi: he’s in his room… Nhlalo be gentle he’s still unwell.
Me: oh please.
It felt like he told everyone my business, he was a hypocrite he always told us not
to spread the private matters about the family.
I got to his room. He seemed fine yet my happiness was shadowed by knowing
that he took away everything from uThabo. After I reprimanded Lee for painting
on the wall I had calmed down, but I wanted answers. I had to give umkhulu a
chance to give his side of the story so I went to him, he was asleep and I didn’t
know how to start the conversation that is why I decided to turn around and
leave.
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Mkhulu: Nhlalo.
Me: mkhulu… how could you tell everyone that I’m not an actual Mabizela?
Mkhulu: it was a mistake. You know how us old people are.
Me: fine then Mkhulu, tell them everything tell them that when Muzi had a blue
eye and he was bleeding from bruises, tell them it was you who beat him up… you
can’t do that right? And you told us not to tell a soul about it and I respected that
but here we are today, you are a hypocrite— before I disrespect you which isn’t
my intention… let me just leave.
Mkhulu: Nhlalo-enhle… awusho Loya mfana owakwaLanga?

He didn’t even want to apologize for it.
Me: yebo… kodwa there’s no need to talk about it, I guarantee you that you’ll
never see him in this house again.
Mkhulu: I knew his father.
Me: I know.
Mkhulu: but whatever I did, it was only for your mother and you— her children.
Me: mkhulu I don’t want an explanation but since you’re giving it the least you
can do is tell the truth. You killed Thabo’s father because you wanted your son-in-
law to take over the empire you built… no actually it’s Thabo’s father who worked
his ass off for years without seeing his family and the man was underpaid and
when he finally got the fruit of his seed you kill him!
Mkhulu: I do admit I killed him but it was for you or else you wouldn’t have a
father.
Me: mkhulu. What about his family why’d you do it?
Mkhulu: Mpiyakhe wanted to make sure that the shares Sbongiseni had weren’t
inherited by his family. I guess he didn’t kill that boy.
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Me: all I hear are excuses Mkhulu! I care for my father to death but he… he
deserved what Thabo did to him.
Mkhulu: manje uthini? Uthini Loyo mfana uyena ombulele?... Nhlalo-enhle

Mabizela umshada Kanjani umbulali womndeni wakho?!
Me: mkhulu it’s called revenge, Thabo’s serving his hot.
Mkhulu: get out of my sight… awusasiye uMabizela. Nhlalo you are a traitor!
Me: we’re cut from the same cloth Mkhulu, you seem to forget how you killed
your business partner.
Mkhulu: don’t praise that uneducated man like he didn’t have his mistakes!
Me: but your mistakes are worse!
Mkhulu: does your husband know he has a sister!?
Me: don’t make up lies Mkhulu.
Mkhulu: call her, Victoria.

He gave me his phone I left the room when the phone started ringing.
Other end: Vicky hello?... Hello. Mr Zikhali? I thought you said we’d stop doing
this.
Me: hi, this is his granddaughter, Nhlalo.
Vicky: is he fine? Or does he need a little healing.

“I thought we’d stop doing this”, “does he need a little healing” she wouldn’t
speak like that unless she was sleeping with Mkhulu. The man was shameless, he
killed her father then had the audacity to sleep with his daughter. I wanted to
know if it was a mutual affair or of she was… of she was a prostitute.
Me: he’s ok, can I ask who your father is.
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I was wondering if she could her how deep my breathing was, or if she could hear
the fear in my voice.
Vicky: SW Langa… but he died years ago.
Me: thank you.

I ended the call, I honestly couldn’t walk into Mkhulu's room, I couldn’t bear his “I
told you so.” I left the phone there, got to my car and left. I didn’t know my
destination, but I knew it was far from Mkhulu. I knew it was going to a long ride
in my beast.
A few hours later I was standing outside Thabo's penthouse, knocking on the door
maybe I was drunk that is why I was getting impatient so I started screaming. The
door opened and it wasn’t him, it was a woman wearing a shirt that wasn’t even
buttoned up. I wanted to see it for myself, if he had really moved on.
Her: who are you?
Me: I need to speak to him… I need to speak to the man you’re with.
She called him not just any name, she called him “babe” it just proved how he
was quick to move on. I wondered how he’d react when he saw me, but I was
more surprised, it wasn’t Thabo, it was an indian guy that I was glad to not know.
The question that lingered in my mind was where Thabo was if his penthouse was
occupied by other people.
Me: where’s that guy that used to live here?
Indian guy: I moved in two weeks ago, I don’t know. Now can you please leave.
He closed the door before I could give him the key to the penthouse since Thabo
had given them to me. I left it at the door, I went back to the Mabizela mansion,
truth is that I wanted nothing to do with that surname maybe I wished I was still a
Langa maybe because a part of me missed it and Thabo or maybe it was because I
knew it would spite Mkhulu.
I couldn’t sleep the whole night just thinking how I’d drift myself away from the
Mabizela name. In the eyes of most people I wasn’t even supposed to have a
share of the inheritance and I didn’t want it.
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The next morning I had made my mind up about what I’d do. I got to Muzi before
breakfast to tell him what I had decided to do.
Me: I’m giving all the shares I own to you.
Muzi: Nhlalo, so what if they know you didn’t come from mma's womb, you are
still as much of a Mabizela as any of us.
Me: thanks bro, but there’s too much… I just can’t handle it and it’s what you
deserve, you’re the rightful Mabizela.
Muzi: you were made for that job and baba wanted you to take it.
Me: I know but it just doesn’t feel like I’m doing a good job.
Muzi: after landing that deal with the army our value on the stock market rose,
who would’ve thought of what you did. Nhlalo, you’re fit for the job.
Me: but I just got there, didn’t even work one bit for it. I’m too young, everyone
just feels embarrassed taking orders from me.
Muzi: you did work for it and you do deserve it, I want you to know that… when
you feel like you’ve grown into these shoes you can take your shares back.
Me: thanks. Maybe now I’ll focus more of my time on getting that diploma and on
SHE.
I gave him a friendly hug, before I went back to sleep, I needed the rest if I wanted
to get to the airport for the midnight flight to South Africa. Ues, South Africa, I
could be closer to Cebile and SHE and maybe I’d get a part time job then the
Social workers could see I was trying.
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Chapter 33
It was pretty empty but it was just midnight right? It was myself, about 6 couples
and a few people sitting alone. I was early by half an hour, so I sat down and just
played games on my phone while keeping my eyes peeled for any danger. Until
someone started, singing he stood up and stood in front of one of the couples, till
this day, “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran, the song they sang became my favourite song
ever because of what happened while they sang it. The man got on his knees and
proposed, the girl said yes. I was happy for them, despite whatever my marriage
went through it was still great to have someone to talk to and to be with and if
you support each other then forever isn’t such a long time and every moment of
it you thank the heavens for giving you that person. I was confused when the
couples( including the recently engaged one) all started singing too. A few more
people appeared from hidden corners they were carrying flowers as if that wasn’t
enough rose petals fell from nowhere. I stood amazed for a few minutes until I
had to board the flight but I really wanted to see how it was going to end.
The screens all changed from showing the time of flights to showing the words
“will you marry me”. It was getting weird and I was the only one left not singing
but I still enjoyed the show. Then the words on the screen changed to “ will you
marry me… Nhlalo” my mouth just dropped, I started to wonder if a was
dreaming. I turned my head and there he was. Thabo. On one knee holding a ring.
I think I teared up. He smiled and I also smiled, that warm feeling filled the whole
room.
Thabo: From the first moment I saw you I knew there was something special,
every single second since then I’ve been yearning to taste your lips wondering if
they could get any more sweeter, your touch any sweeter, your presence any
more precious, your eyes more beautiful. Will you marry me?... Again. Will you
take this path of life with me but this time I promise to listen, I promise to fulfil
my vows to you and to love you like there isn’t a tomorrow.
I was speechless, no literally I couldn’t say a word over how hard I was crying.
They stopped singing, my thoughts got louder. Thabo and I tried before and look
how that ended. The truth was out, he tried to kill me but then made me
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breakfast the next morning. He killed my father, my father killed his. My father
killed his family and he killed mine. He tried killing me by hitting me with a car and
I got him arrested and he lost all his money. It was all a web of lies, betrayal and
deceit, but one thing that was true was that we had a daughter and we cared for
each other. I made a promise to myself that I would avenge my mother’s death, I
wondered if I still had to fulfil it because she wasn’t my real mother. Thabo had
his chance to kill me, I wanted a chance to kill him so I’d see what is actually do
with that power. Everyone was looking at me expecting an answer so I gave them
one. I helped Thabo up then I kissed him.
We were getting married! Joy filled my heart but it had a knife in its hands ready
to stab his back. My mind stayed cautious because it knew my emotions would
betray it.
Thabo: thank you for saying yes because it would’ve been embarrassing being
rejected in front of 50 people.
Me: I… we need to go to the toilet… I have 12 minutes until I leave.
Thabo: we’re leaving right now, the plane to Greece is waiting.
Me: Greece… their beaches are like heaven.
Thabo: I remember you saying you want to go to the beach, so this is like a pre-
honeymoon weekend.
We boarded the flight that was already waiting for us, he had me thinking maybe
it was going to be different that time. We spent the first night of the pre-
honeymoon weekend.
I was checking for my phone but then I found a gun, probably Thabo’s gun. Why
would he carry a gun, with a silencer too, his intentions were still the same as
before? and I wasn’t going to let him kill me. He wanted revenge and so did I. I got
closer to him with the gun, sweet talking him as I got on the bed so he wouldn’t
suspect anything. When I was close enough I placed the gun on the back of his
head only reason for that was because I wanted him to know he was dying, just
like he made me feel.
Thabo: Nhlalo put the gun away.
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Me: how does it feel?.. knowing you’re gonna die?

I don’t know how but in just a mere minute he had turned the tables, I was under
him and he had the gun.
Thabo: you wouldn’t kill me.

I snatched the gun from his and pushed him off me.
Me: say that when you’re in hell.

He pulled me closer to him, damn! His scent still got to me.
Thabo: right now with you feels like heaven.

We stopped, looked into each other’s eyes he threw the gun aside then started
undressing me…
We stayed in bed the whole day enjoying the view we got and each other. After
the howmanyeth round we sat near the window eating yoghurt while looking at
the people walking around. Thabo got a call, he left to talk in the other room, he
came back, I was wearing the hotel robe but he was wrapped in a towel, probably
because he wanted me to shower him with compliments on his newly found
hobby— but I wasn’t. He sat down the same way I was sitting, I wondered if I
could see his third leg hanging.
Thabo: we’ll have to leave tonight.
Me: I was promised a weekend…
Thabo: I know but I pinky promise that on our honeymoon we’ll go to an even
better place and for even longer.
Me: I know what you’re trying to do so before you even try… no. I will not have
any children anytime soon.
Thabo: so you want our children to have a 50 year old father.
Me: you’re growing old anyways what was the call about.
Thabo: we’re going to a small party for all of South Africa’s underground elite.
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Me: but aren’t you a 'traitor'?
Thabo: or was it my master plan to make sure I’m the only supplier in Cape town.
Me: but you’re leaving that business… right?
Thabo: I’ll announce it tonight. The last thing I’d want to happen is to loose
another family member from that business.
I appreciated that he sacrificed the only way he knew how to make a living, it
meant we’d be a normal family… as normal as it gets for us.
Me: …do you think they can see us?
He stuck his head out if the window and scram, “can you see us!” the people just
looked at us, the smile Thabo face was unlike any other. I pulled him back in and
kissed him, a few people cheered us on but our intentions wasn’t to make live
porn so we stopped.
Me (sarcastically): I think they can see us.
Thabo: what if I told you the condom popped?
Me: you’re gonna change this one’s diapers without excuse.
Thabo: what if I don’t?
Me: then when he’s old enough, I’ll tell him he was a mistake.
Thabo: wow, I was joking then.
Me: don’t you feel a little guilty for having fun when we don’t even know where
our daughter is?
Thabo: no.
Me: you better say that was a joke or else I’m throwing you out of this window.
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Thabo: I’m not guilty because I know our daughter’s safe and her foster parents
are good people, I have my eyes in them.
Me: you know them? How’s Ama then? Thabo… how is she?
He made a video call a couple answered. I silently asked Thabo if that was Ama’s
foster parents after he shook his head, I couldn’t believe it, I wanted to see her so
badly.
Me(with a broken voice): where is she?

They turned the phone, there she was. Our baby, the was sitting in a baby swing. I
held onto Thabo’s hand, I couldn’t believe it, I wondered if she could still see me,
if she knew I was her mother. She showed a big smile when she saw us, my baby
had a dimple! I just wanted to look at her the whole day. She had gotten chubby
but it made her so much more cuter, her fingered weren’t those chicken fingers I
used to make fun of, that couple was treating our baby well and I was glad Thabo
found them.
Me: Unamandla… Mommie misses you okay.

I laid my head on my arms, I couldn’t do it, I wanted her there with me. I was on
the brink of falling apart when Thabo pulled me close to him.
Thabo: we both miss you.
The female on the other side: I think we’ll miss her as much as you do in two
weeks.
Me: what? Come again.
The female: your case was re-evaluated the court decided we should give you
Unamandela back.
Thabo: thank you. Honestly thank you for taking care of our daughter.
The couple: it’s been a pleasure.

They ended the call, I needed to get the euphoria out one way or another so I
stuck my head out if the window and scam it out for the whole of Greece to hear
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me. Things were falling into place. I wanted to make things finally so I could spend
as much time with my family as possible.
Me: let’s get married next on Monday!
Thabo: that’s in two days next Friday…
Me: okay! Next Friday!

Choices made through happiness turn out the best, maybe we should’ve thought
about this harder but the level of euphoria I had would’ve still clouded my
judgement. By then I could hear the bells, I never expected myself to that happy
for a wedding especially if it was mine. There was 13 days to plan and execute the
wedding. I left the room so I could call Candice.
Me: hi, Candice… you know how you said you want to become an events
planner?...
Candice: I know it’s just another dream.
Me: you just got your first job… I’m getting married again and I would like for you
to plan my wedding.
Candice scram into the phone, that reminded me of how she could scream!
Me: you can start putting together a few ideas, I’ll be there by Monday but you
can’t tell Muzi about it… I’d like to surprise him.
Candice: who are you marrying so soon after your divorce?
Me: I can’t hear you… you’re— oops.

I ended the call, because I didn’t want to reveal that I was getting back together
with Thabo since when I told them about him I turned him into a monster.
“ I’m going for a walk… you can come if you wa—”
Me: I’ll be there in two minutes.

I had never felt so in place, my every imperfection fit perfectly into my family, the
family Thabo and I built together. My first step on the beach sand had me thinking
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of Olwethu and how I wanted him to feel how it ran through your fingers and
know the saltiness of the sea.
Me: you should’ve called me when Olwethu die— died.
Thabo: I know, but I didn’t want to talk to you back then.
Me: how did it happen?
Thabo: I was going as a witness in Gerald’s case, they sent me a message to not
speak anything but I only saw it after I left the witness stand, I thought I had
tightened security enough but I should’ve known they’d try to do something to
shut me up… I came back and he… was shot in the back of the head. When the
doctors said he was in a coma I thought they didn’t succeed. After 4 nights he
held my hand when I spoke to him, I thought he was getting better so I left and
came back the next morning. But then— his bed was empty with only his teddy
bear left.
Me: he really liked that teddy bear. Did I tell you about the name he gave it?
Don’t laugh but he named him Mr Snuggler.
Thabo: you said that if I kept him caged then one day he’d fly away and never
come back. I should’ve listened sooner.
Me: you were doing what you thought was best for him but I should’ve never left
him, the night I left (voice breaks) he called me… his mother and I called him my
son.
He stared straight into my eyes seeing past the tears, the genuineness his eyes
told had me wondering what he wanted to say.
Thabo: it’s not your fault.
Me: if I didn’t kill Msizi then he would still be here today, so don’t try to console
me.
Thabo: you did what you had to do. Don’t blame yourself for what happened to
Olwethu you didn’t pull the trigger.
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Me: Thabo… can we just hug for the next hour?

After a while we sat down and let the waves wash the sand off our feet. That
night I didn’t want to be anywhere else but in his arms but we were on a plane
going to South Africa. It was short and quiet not because of any argument but
because talking about Olwethu uncovered wounds I didn’t know hurt that badly. I
asked myself how they could kill an innocent child but again answered myself
from my past.
We landed and from there we took an Uber to Thabo's new house, it was two
bedroom townhouse, it really blended in and he sold his cars and bought a Polo
Vivo, he really meant it when he told me he just wanted to blend in.
Thabo: what do you think.
Me: I don’t know… If they find you then Will you be safer here? The old house did
have guards surrounding it.
Thabo: I’d like to think that this house has bulletproof insulation… and! It doesn’t
reminded me of how lonely I am.
Me: so this is our bedroom and the other room is Ama’s right?
Thabo: exactly.
Me (trying to hold in the laughter): …so your car…
Thabo: One day is one day I’ll buy an even better one. So don’t joke about it.
We were just a couple who didn’t ask for much, I didn’t mind the simple life. It
would be something new for me to do, without a maid that meant Thabo and I
would have our fair share of chores to do, we'd go threw life without the filter of
the lavish assets of money and oddly… it was fine by me. Thabo wore a black tux,
damn he looked good! It made me wonder what he’d look like on our wedding
day. I wore a formal pants and a shirt, I also wondered what in the world I was
going to wear on our wedding day a dress or a suit?
We got to the event, I didn’t feel like being there I would’ve much rather be in
Greece. There were all types of people there, celebrities, underground gods amd
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even politicians, some attending as a plus one to some rich snob and others just
plain there to enjoy the night. I felt thirsty so I took a glass of champagne from
some of the waiters. Before I drank it Thabo snatched it from me.
Me: I’m thirsty… that sounds wrong but you know what I mean.
Thabo: okay, one rule to remember is to only take food from waiters with the
white gloves not the black ones, believe me it’s a matter of life and death.
MC: ladies and gentlemen we are glad to have you here, this event is to unite us,
to give all these entrepreneurs a chance to expand. You can enjoy.
The night continued, I had my guard up, knowing that we were regarded as the
traitors and I assumed they didn’t take kindly to traitors. There was a lot of
socialising and people were shaking hands and making bussing deals on drugs and
all sorts of other things illegal. This was the centre of the underground world. I
was overwhelmed so I went to sit down not realising Kea was next to me.
Kea: Nhlalo right?
Me: and you are?
Kea: Kea… Loyiso's girlfriend…
Me: I almost didn’t recognise you under that face paint.

I shook hands with the other girl, I recognised her but I didn’t know from where.
Her: Tsepiso, One of the bridesmaids at Deni—
Me: oh! You were at my wedding!
Kea: I’m sorry about your divorce but at least the wedding wasn’t meant for you
anyways.
Tsepiso: The ghost of Denise must have worked, friend remember how she and
Thabo would just look like couple goals?
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Kea: I know friend! But then this disaster happened.
Me: If you have something to say you better say it to my face.
Tsepiso: we’re saying that you don’t fit in. There’s a certain calibre that you don’t
reach.
Me: which one exactly?
Kea: maybe the one that we have… like look at us. Our men know how to pick a
woman and not… you.
Me: you both must be confused… angeke ngijwayelwe ingane zaseHigh school, if
he’s such a man then where are your wedding rings to prove it? Kea and the other
one I have a man and I’m a woman with a family that’s the difference between
me and you… Actually I’m inviting you to my wedding but this time as guests.
I faked a smile, they stood up and went to their “men” on the dancefloor. It took a
lot from me to not throw a punch at them but that’s what being mature is about,
it’s about putting up a smile knowing that you’ll show them who you are outside.
Thabo sat down next to me, he looked at me once before he asked me what was
wrong, I told him exactly what happened, he told me ,” if it makes a difference
ones being cheated on and the other’s heart will be broke soon” I actually did feel
better after that. The night continued after the event there was a small party that
Loyiso hosted. So we thought it was time we revealed we were getting married
again. After the reveal, I watched as Thabo asked Loyiso to be his groomsmen, it
got me thinking of who my bridesmaids would be. I knew Loyiso wasn’t happy
with the fact that we were getting married again. He was nearly arrested because
of me. A woman said Kea was in the bathroom asking for me, I thought it was a
joke but I went there anyways. She was standing in front of the bathroom.
Me: Kea.
Kea: somebody… mhh. Ah. Somebody's here to see you.

She moved aside and I saw a gun was held behind her. Then he appeared, Arnold
Siseko Bhengu. My eyes couldn’t believe it, I was ready to run but he held my
hand and pulled me to him, he started sniffing around my neck, then his other
hand squeezed my one of my breasts.
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Me: Kea. Tell Thabo.
Kea: please don’t murder her in my house. I don’t want her ghost here.
Siseko: you tell anyone what you saw I’ll shoot you dead.
Kea closed the door, I felt tremors down my throat, I didn’t know what to do. I
wanted to cry, I wanted to scream and I also wanted to beat the hell out of that
man. He pushed me against the wall and strangled me.
Siseko: my precious diamond is back.

He laughed while he pulled my leg onto him his other hand then it reached into
my thighs. I was wearing pants but Siseko wasn’t afraid of ripping the pants right
off me. My chest felt pressed, my throat closed. I couldn’t breathe, I was having a
panic attack. In my head I knew this wasn’t a figment of my imagination.
I had to fight this, I was tired of being afraid, I was tired of always looking over my
shoulders and I was tired of the nightmares. I pushed him away he didn’t expect
it. I immediately jumped on him and punched all the fear away, I finally got to
face it and I punched it so hard it bled. I wanted him to die in my hands but he
begged, he begged like the dog he was. He disgusted me, his blood on my hands
disgusted me, that’s when I decided I wasn’t going to kill him, I didn’t want his
filthy blood on my hands.
Me: Siseko you’re lucky that I’m kind I can’t stop you from doing what you do. But
I will warn you, one day you’ll meet a woman who’s not as kind as me. She will
show you flames and you’ll burn. NX, get out of my site, and if you ever even
breathe the same air as me I won’t be this forgiving.
He stood up and he walked out of the bathroom and even out of the house. The
joy that overcame me when I knew I survived. It didn’t surprise me to see Kea
dancing like nothing happened, like she didn’t see Siseko with a gun. I went up to
her, believe me I wanted to slap the hell out of her but I accidentally spilt my
drink on her.
Kea: bitch you have a problem?!
Me: yeah I have a problem. It’s your existence. NX.
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That bitch slapped me! I was going to jump her, damn I was tired of her! Before I
could Loyiso pushed me away.
Me: let me go. Loyi— that bitch slapped me!
Kea: Bitch do you even know how much Balenciaga costs!?
Loyiso: leave. Hey leave!

I couldn’t believe he pushed me, I don’t know why but Thabo punched Loyiso, he
fell to the ground, I was sure it broke his nose. Thabo and I walked out and went
into the car.
Thabo: okay what just happened in there?
Me: Kea knows what she did. Why’d you punch Loyiso?
Thabo: nobody touches my fiancé like that not even my best man.
The next morning I woke up and I tried cooking breakfast, I was trying to be
romantic. But it didn’t turn out the way I expected and I chose to throw it out
before Thabo saw it and would make fun of me for it.
After lunch, I knew it was time to recruit my team of bridesmaids, I had thought
about it and I knew 3 people who were fit for the positions. First was Candice.
Me: hi Candice, if you’re sitting next to Muzi please just move away this is private.
Candice: okay, but you’ll explain when he starts to think that I’m cheating.
Me: I have great news.
Candice: your brother’s been worried about you, but what’s the good news?
Me: Muzi can call me and I’m a grown woman, I thought I informed everyone that
I was going to stay over at a friend’s place.
Candice: does that friend happen to be your ex husband? Are you getting married
to him again?
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Me: no. I’ve been staying with my fiance. I want you to be my maid of honour.
Candice: no. No. No. No. No. No. Of course I’ll be your maid of honour! I never
thought I’d be someone’s maid of honour! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Me: so how’s the planning going?
Candice: it’s going well, so what do you want? A huge beautiful heavenly wedding
in a sunflower garden?
Me: no, that’s where you got married. It’s going to small but I like it to be perfect,
the wedding I never knew I wanted…. Sorry I’m just running out of air thinking
about this…. I’m so happy.
Candice: you should be. You deserve to be.

I ended the call feeling emotional, Thabo was next to me he led my hand then
kissed it.
Thabo: I’m glad you’re happy. Who else is on the bridesmaids list?
Me: you won’t believe it but Teresa. She’s out of prison right?
Thabo: Teresa… she’s out of prison… yeah. Why her?
Me: she kept me safe in prison and even after she stabbed me that one time, we
have a good… friendship.
Thabo: wow. I’ll give you her number then.

She answered my call, saying, “if you’re selling something fokkof, if you want your
money back come take it and if you want me to do something for you then I’m
listening.”
Me: it’s Nhlalo, you know Nhlalo the—
Thereese: the one I kissed.

Shit the phone was on loudspeaker, I’d didn’t want to explain how it happened to
Thabo, he knew about it but we never really talked about it.
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Me: yeah. That one.
Thaereese: now that you and Langa are officially divorced how about we carry on
what we see where this takes us.
It was confusing how almost everybody knew me and Thabo were divorced.
Me: actually… I called you to ask you be my bridesmaid… will you be my

bridesmaid?
Thereese: that depends who you’re marrying.
Me: Thabo… again. So will you?
Thereese: I wouldn’t miss it, but uncle Thereese won’t be seen in a dress.
Me: I wasn’t planning on it. Thanks. I’ll send you the invitation soon then.
She ended the call.
Thabo: so tell me more about the kiss.
Me: it happened and I felt guilt about it.
Thabo: but I’m just asking because I need to know… were you both naked?
Me: you’re nasty. You should just ask if you want to know more about lesbian sex.
Thabo: I am asking right now.

The phone had already started ringing, my last recruit was Cebile.
Cebile: look who finally decided to call.
Me: how’s our baby?
Cebile: I’m sure you can see on the news how we’re providing a safe environment
for women, children and anyone who needs it.
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SHE was slowly growing into what I wished for it to be, I wished I was more
involved but that little involvement I had made me content since I was seeing how
it was giving people a platform to speak out and to be safe.
Me: how is family life.. is your husband fine with you being the CEO of such a big
organisation?
Cebile: Nhlalo one thing I’ve learnt since being part of SHE is that I need to be
somebody. Not somebody's. He supports me, but I’m still trying to balance family
time and work time.
Me: will you be my bridesmaid?
Cebile: yebo! I’d be happy to be. You’re getting married? Again?
Me: again with the same person. But this time it’s going to end beautifully.
Cebile: I’d love to. Congratulations.
Thabo: thank you.
Cebile: is that Mr Langa? Make that girl the happiest women on earth or else I’ll
come after you.
Thabo: I promise I will.

I ended the call then kissed him, this time I made sure I didn’t end up being under
him, this time I wanted to ride.
Afterwards we had ice cream and sat outside.

Me: so are you going to carry on with being a therapist?
Thabo: I think I will.
Me: I’ll carry on with getting a degree in something. Then maybe I’ll get a job I
actually deserve.
Thabo: Ama's caretakers just sent me a video.
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We watched it, it was a video of Ama laughing she had grown so much, I couldn’t
wait to carry her and to watch her sleep. That gave even more joy to my day. I
couldn’t wait for her to come home to her parents, I really missed her. Even after
all that the Zikalala's tried she was finally coming home.
Day by day, the wedding got closer, the planning was intense. But I enjoyed it
when we went to Italy for two days to buy wedding suits. Yes suits, I wasn’t going
to wear a dress! I refused. At least my suit is white. The second day was to relax a
little and to do a little exploring. I enjoyed the cake tasting, and at the end of
everyday Thabo and I would call Ama's caretakers and that was the best part of
my day. Candice found an amazing venue in KZN. It was a fairly sized hall that was
decorated with flowers that hung from the ceiling and the best part about it was
the view of the dam. I could imagine looking back years from now and seeing how
perfect the day was.
We had just came back from cake tasting, our cake was as simple as the wedding
was going to be. No overdramatic design, no overwhelming colours, just a simple
cake. After the call with Ama we smoked together. I was only smoking because I
wasn’t going to breastfeed Ama anymore and because there wasn’t anybody else
in the house.
Me: I’ve been thinking of how… why didn’t you kill me when you found out I killed
Kevin and Wayne?
Thabo: where is this coming from?
Me: I just want answers.
Thabo: the day I found out was the day I took you to the doctor, Loyiso sent it to
me while I was in the waiting room, you were getting a check up for the vomiting.
Me: then you found out I was pregnant. So if it wasn’t for Ama and Ntando then
I’d be dead?
Thabo: probably, or maybe you’d just be somewhere else.
Me: were you going to kill me? If I wasn’t pregnant then would you have don’t it?
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Thabo: back then I would’ve… Loyiso really wanted me to.
Me: besides that day did you ever try to kill me?
Thabo: you want the honest answer?
Me: yes I want the honest answer.
Thabo: (deep sigh) i… I told Loyiso to find you and to kill you, I knew what you
were capable of. So I wanted to kill you before you killed me, at that time we had
only just met and I didn’t know you were Nhlalo Mabizela. But Loyiso knew and
he gave Thereese money to stab you in prison. Then he hit you with his car.
Me: wha… and you didn’t know? I nearly died. And. And I lost my foot in the car
accident. That was all you.
Thabo: if I knew I would’ve stopped him, believe me and if I wasn’t trying so hard
to distance myself from you and the attraction I had for you then I would’ve
realised it and stopped him. I only found out you were Nhlalo Mabizela after I
married you and by then I had fallen too deep for you.
Me: why’d you stop me from dying that day? You could’ve just let me die.
Thabo: you’re my wife, the woman I love and the mother of my children. I didn’t
want to loose that.
That gave me inspiration for my vows, I immediately went to our bedroom and
started writing them, after a few attempts I finally thought I got them right.
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Chapter 33
I promise to be with you through thick and thin, I promise my loyalty to you and
only you, I promise to communicate and to speak what I feel, I promise to share
with you all accomplishments, I promise to be there to kiss you when you need it
the most, I promise to push you to being your best just like you have done for me
and I promise to never leave your side. First time we met it was night time, a night
darker than most, maybe it represented how we felt back then but since then
we’ve gone through the night and now this is our dawn. I want to spent the rest of
my days and fight all the nights with you. Sometimes it bothers me that we
might’ve met by chance but then I know our fates have been interlocked from the
beginning destined to destroy each other but we created something else…
something special. Only you know what we’ve been through together and how
many times you pulled me back up and brought me back to my feet for that I want
to thank you. And thank you for all the moments I wouldn’t have made and can
not make by myself. I love you.
Thabo came in, I had to put the paper away, I didn’t want to write new vows
because he saw these ones.
Thabo: wenzani?
Me: I’m… writing a book review on this book I read.
Thabo: (sarcastically) I believe you.
Me: ok. You leaving already?
Thabo: yeah, five minutes or so, it’s just a small bachelor party.
Me: I know… and! Don’t drink too much please. I don’t want to be part of The
Hangover.
Thabo: I think we should invite Yvonne and Gail?
Me: Yvonne’s your mother so I will tolerate her but if I see even the slightest
glimpse of Gail even her scent then I’d loose it and I’d go on a man hunt for her.
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Thabo: that goes for your grandfather.
Me: I wasn’t inviting him anyways. He’d want to finish off what my father couldn’t
do and I won’t let him do that to my future husband.
Thabo: And I won’t let Gail do the same to you.

It was weird talking about Gail and Mkhulu openly to Thabo but I trusted he
understood it and our relationship had grown past who we were and focused on
who were planning to be.
Me: I will see you at the alter tomorrow, just don’t get too wild with the strippers.
Thabo: strippers! Never!
Me: Loyiso isn’t good at keeping secrets.
Thabo: I’ll only have 3 lap dances.
Me: make them the best you can because they’re going to be the last you get
from a stranger… and pay those girls… that I respect very much decent money so
they’ll have a better life and a better future.
I respect what strippers do but I knew that deep down they didn’t grow up
dreaming of being a stripper one day, baphoqwa isimo. Like they say “money
makes the world go round” those who can give should.
He left and so did I, the night was… something! The strippers didn’t show up but
the night wasn’t ruined, I showed the girls my moves even though Candice was
busy on the phone the whole night then Cebile got drunk too quickly and started
pole dancing, Teresa was happy to give me a lap dance, but she disappeared with
the female bartender into the toilet… for a long while. After that we got free shots
a night well spent! I was glad I met my bridesmaids, they all reminded me of a
part of my life when I almost lost myself because I was tired of being strong and
how they stood strong and fought so they could carry on with life showed me that
if I fought harder then life did go on.
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The next morning, I woke up feeling like shit! Next to me was Thereese, since she
and I hadn’t really spoken about that once kiss I thought the worst had happened
but she was actually cuddling with the bartender, Cebile was up already and
Candice was in the other room talking to the phone, from how sweet she made
her tone I knew it was Muzi so I snuck up on her and took the phone from her, it
was about time I told him I was getting married.
Me: Hi Muzi.
Muzi: why are you… kwenazakalani? Nhlalo.
Me: guess what?
Muzi: what?
Me: I booked a flight for you so you can come to South Africa and come to my
wedding.
Muzi: Nhlalo usuyabhema futhi?
Me: cha, I’m serious, you need to get to the airport right now so you can make it.
Muzi: who are you marrying ke?
Me: Just get here so you can walk me down the aisle but don’t tell Mkhulu about
it.
Muzi: if this is a prank Nhlalo I swear I’ll take your leg from you.
Me: you have 15 minutes to get to your flight. Bye.

I ended the call, afterwards running to the bathroom, to vomit, the hangover was
real but looking at Candice again, I had a weird feeling that it wasn’t just a
hangover, I still had time so I went to see a doctor, she confirmed it for me.
Everything was just piecing together perfectly. I was looking forward to the rest of
Thabo and I's lives.
473
I came back and Candice forced me to sit down so the hairdresser could figure out
what to do with my hair. My hair wasn’t pretty, I hadn’t combed it for months
since I thought it looked good the way it was. Candice also hired a make-up artist!
What was next? A dress? Yes it was a dress, all my bridesmaids except Thereese
wanted me to wear a dress but they knew I wasn’t going to wear it we fought
over it but 3 against 2 just wasn’t fair. I was adamant about the suit… so adamant
that I actually wore it and I thought I looked great but they literally tore it off me,
so I didn’t have a choice and that’s why I wore the dress.
Thereese: you. Me. Let’s get married.
Cebile: she means to say you look amazing.
Candice: I know I’ve got taste for these things.
I looked in the mirror… I didn’t know I could take my own breathe away. Without
the contacts the green in my eyes was visible and for once it looked — beautiful.
My hair was tied into a bun, I didn’t even know it could look so good. My freckles
were like flowers on my face an extension of pure beauty. I felt good, better than
before, better than ever. The dress was like those from fairy-tales, it was the
dream dress I never knew I wanted. Looking at myself I almost cried.
Me: Candice… thank you.
Candice: it’s my pleasure, here comes the brother of the bride.

I turned around and saw Muzi, Candice and him got all lovey dovey before he
even looked around the room. The expression on his face was hilarious when he
saw me.
Muzi: babe, this isn’t my sister!
Me: musa ukuphapha.

He covered his eyes and when he looked up again I realised he was in tears, we
hugged.
Muzi: I swear if he hurts you I’ll hunt him down and I’ll show him big brother shit.
Vele who's the lucky guy?
474
Me: Thabo… I know how I told you all those bad things about him, it was only
because I wanted to convince myself leaving him was the best—
Muzi: if you really love him and he loves you back then I don’t need an
explanation.
Me: thank you.

I hugged him again then he held my hand.
Thereese: time for the bridesmaids.

Thereese walked in first, she rocked her suit. Cebile walking in next, I started to
feel nervous, my hands were shaking but Muzi held my hand, I was glad he was
going to walk me down the aisle. Candice walked in and then the doors closed
and the music stopped.
Muzi: Nhlalo… thank you for giving me this chance.
Me: thank you for always being there to listen to my shit.

We were getting closer to the door, in that little moment I thought of Olwethu, he
would’ve loved to see this happen, I wondered if he wanted to hear my voice
when he was in a coma. I knew he was in a better place, he could finally meet
Nomalanga.
The doors opened to a white hall with flowers placed perfectly around the room,
the orchestra started playing the instrumental version of Alicia Keys, Unthinkable.
Candice really outdid my expectations. Everybody stood up Yvonne was there she
didn’t look happy, Nolwazi was there with a few girls from the organisation and I
knew Gogo and all Thabo's family were there in spirit, so was my father, mother,
sister and other mother… whoever and wherever she was. There was a white
carpet at the end of it was Thabo in a burlywood coloured suit looking as
handsome as when I first met him, he smiled and so did I, taking all the
nervousness away because I knew I was where I was supposed to be.
I chose to walk slowly because I didn’t want to fall, Thabo came half way just to
get to me faster, as we got closer to each other I saw the tears forming in his
eyes. Muzi shook his hand then said, “take care of her.” I hugged Muzi again, then
475
hugged Thabo, my intention in hugging him was so that I could whisper the good
news to him.
Me(whisper): you’re gonna be a father again.
He looked at me then looked at my belly, when he looked up that was when I saw
a tear running down, it made me happy that I also had tears running down my
cheeks.
Thabo: I love you.
Me: I—
Priest: dearly beloved…

I was just overjoyed. This day finally came after this we’d get Ama back and then
after months we’d have another one. Lee stood with the rings, Thabo picked my
one up and looked at me, he hadn’t stopped smiling since he saw me.
Thabo: I don’t believe in soulmates but what we have is something unexplainable,

how were able to be with each other even after going to through so much is a
true fact of love. I look forward to the rest of my life with you by my side and I will
try with every part of me to make you happy always… thank you for always being
there with me even when you didn’t deserve what I was doing to you. Thank you
for being the person your are because who you are is exactly who I want to be
with for the rest of our lives… this time I promise I won’t forget what I vow to you,
I’ll be there for you like you’ll be there for me because only we know what we’ve
been through but were still together again I say I love you.
He kissed me, we kissed. My hearts filled with joy and happiness.
Priest: we haven’t gotten there yet.

Almost everybody cheered us on, I could hear Muzi say, “e! bafo be careful that’s
my sister”
Amidst the cheers we didn’t hear the cars pulling up, we only realised we were
under attack when three gunshots to the roof were fired, followed by a man
shouting, “nyamalalani manje!”
Everybody scattered, I stood still, unable to move, I wanted to throw a tantrum
and start screaming because everything was going perfectly until then. I could
476
hear Muzi screaming for help, I turned around and Candice was on the floor
bleeding. When I got to her, she didn’t have a pulse, Thabo was calling the
ambulance. I held Muzi’s hand, that was his child in there, dying with Candice.
Muzi: Nhlalo, tell me she’s okay.
Me: Muzi look at me. Liyanda's out there looking for you go look for him and I’ll
see what I can do until the ambulance gets here. Okay.
He left to look for Lee, I was afraid if telling him there wasn’t a pulse. The bullet
had gone threw her heart. Gerald walked in behind two bodyguards, this wasn’t
happening. After such a long time I had to confront that bastard again. He held
Thabo at gunpoint, Thabo was standing in front of me telling me it was all going to
be okay. It wasn’t going to be okay, Candice was dying and I couldn’t do shit to
save her.
Gerald: Langa you don’t f—

There was a shower of gunshots, Gerald and all his bodyguards fell to the ground,
Mkhulu appeared, this was supposed to be Thabo and I’s perfect day, this wasn’t
supposed to be happening.
Mkhulu: Nhlalo woza.
Me: cha. Mkhulu I’m marrying him if you like it or not, you’ll have to shoot your
granddaughter if you want to get to Thabo.
I was walking closer to Mkhulu in the hopes that he’d see reason with me. He
pulled the trigger. He pulled the trigger on me! He shot me. I instantly felt the
pain in my arm. There was another gunshot, I raised my head, Mkhulu was on his
knees, they shot him on his shoulder, he looked at me and told me “you seem to
forget you’re not from my seed”
Somebody pulled me away, we were making a run for it. Loyiso was holding the
gun and Thabo was holding my hand pulling me with him. I scram “what about
Candice!”. We got in the car and drove off, I could hear bullets hitting the car.
Loyiso was driving and Thabo was tending to my wound, it was one hell of a
painful flesh wound. The car stopped in the middle of nowhere, it was literally a
veld with dry grass. I followed Thabo out if the car, I thought he knew what was
going on. Loyiso then extended his hand for a handshake, then he took out
477
handcuffs. He handcuffed Thabo to the car, then laughed, he pointed the gun at
me and told me to walk.
Thabo: Loyiso wenzani?
Loyiso: she made you soft. You told me that you’ll die in the game but now you
want out, you had the whole of Cape eating out of your hands and you want to
throw that away for her!
Thabo: I realised that there are more important things than power, now let us go.
Loyiso: did you even ask yourself if anybody wanted that power?
Me: Loyiso! What are you doing? Aren’t you moving to Johannesburg? So why are
you doing this?
Loyiso: I have this dream where the whole South Africa gets their drugs from me.
Imagine the money I’d make.
I should’ve shot him in the head when I had a chance.
Thabo: kill me then! Why her?

He took off the glove showing Thabo the missing finger.
Loyiso: look at this! This bitch fuckin shot my finger off!
Me: you’re quick to cry bitch!
Loyiso: now everybody shut the fuck up! Why are you forgetting what she and her
family took away from you? You could’ve had what she has, so get your revenge
and let me kill her. She sold you out, you know we don’t take lightly to traitors.
I felt the gun behind me then I lifted my dead and started walking. I could hear
Thabo screaming and fighting to get the cuffs off. As we got deeper into the veld
nervousness started to kick in. I didn’t have a gun or any way to protect myself, I
didn’t want to fight because I was afraid I was going to loose, resulting in the loss
of the life I am carrying in me.
Loyiso: stop. Now turn around and keep your hands up.
478
I did as he ordered. I thought I had a plan, I thought he wouldn’t shoot me and it

was all one of his drama's. Thabo was pulling the car with him, he needed a way
to get there.
Me: shoot me.

I was waiting for him to get nervous so he’d soften the grip of the gun. I could
hear Thabo screaming telling me not to do it but I didn’t listen.
Loyiso: Thabo so you’re saying I shouldn’t shoot her! I want you to get on your
knees and beg me not to do it. Things wouldn’t be like this if you killed her when I
told you so. You shouldn’t have told her anything, after this she was probably
going to the police to rat us out and I won’t take that chance after going to prison
I don’t see myself living there.
I saw the look in Thabo eyes, he knew he would get to me but maybe it would be
too late, he was going to get on his knees and beg. Our pride was cut from the
same cloth, I understood how difficult it was going to be for him, I didn’t want him
to do it, so I was going to push Loyiso until he let go of the gun.
Me: shoot me! If you have the balls.

He pulled the trigger, I took a deep breathe then felt the pain on my shoulder, he
missed, I grinned. I couldn’t hear Thabo screaming even louder telling me not to
do this, he was getting closer to us, Loyiso's grip was getting weaker one last push
and he’d let go.
Me: is that the best you have?
Loyiso: Thabo! becabanga ukuthi kuzokwenzakalani mayeQom’uKufa? any last

words?
What Loyiso said seemed to drive Thabo crazy because he pulled the car like it
was nothing, I could see the rage and fear in his eyes, I got closer to him, pulled
his head closer to me and got close to his ear.
Me: msunu kanyoko.

He pulled the trigger again, I didn’t think this would happen. As I fell I saw Thabo
break loose from the handcuffs, he came running to me to hold me before I got
the ground. I heard the car driving away, that coward couldn’t face the
consequences of his actions.
479
Thabo: breathe okay stay with me.

I raised my head a bit, he shot my womb, I failed to protect the life in me.
Me: I’m sorry.
Thabo: don’t be… the ambulance is coming just breathe.

I’ve tasted death numerous times but never has it felt so real and so bitter. In the
time in my life when I finally found someone— something to live for… the family
Thabo and I had built. Tears filled my eyes as I brought him closer to me for one
last kiss, one which the universe would never forget — the kiss of all time.
Me: ….Tell Ama to believe in her name.
Thabo: Nhlalo stay with me... Unamandla still needs you, I can’t loose you too.
Sthandwa Sami please don’t leave me alone… please… please.
Me: my — vows are — in my bra… I mean… every word.
Thabo: don’t say that Nhlalo you’re gonna be ok just breathe… SIZANI!!!
His voice broke, I can’t believe he wants me to live so badly. I can hear the sirens
but I’m not sure I’m going to make it.
“I love you.”
Thabo: you said you love me? I love you too. Don’t leave me. Please. Ngyak’cela
sthandwa Sami. It’ll be okay. I can’t loose you.
I know it’s my time. I take a deep breathe, I feel weaker than before. He blinked
that’s when I saw his tears falling, I knew I had returned the favour — I taught him
how to cry just like he taught me. I held his hand. Smiled. And took one last
breathe… I’ll wait for Thabo. It’s time to be with my son’s… I can finally get to
carry Ntandoyenkosi… maybe I’ll take them to the beach… Olwethu will love that.
480
QOM'UKUFA:
NHLALO'S LOVE
STORY
THE END
481

Qom'uKufa - Nhlalo's Love Story

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:Nhlalo's Love Story

Welcome to my imaginary world of damsels, love and gangsters or in short

Qom’uKufa: Nhlalo’s Love Story

Copyright © 2021 by S. Mhlongo

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No part of this publication may reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in

Nhlalo-enhle Mabizela, daughter of business tycoon, Mpiyakhe Mabizela owner of

Dad: buya kimi!

Me: nilale ngoxolo bazali bami.

Just days ago, life as I knew it crumbled into pieces.

All I wanted was revenge.

Muzi: where are you?

Me: currently at uShaka airport.

Muzi: South Africa! Nhlalo wenzani lapho?

He didn’t respond because of a stupid silence rule my father enforced. I could

I had to pull out a cute face.

Sifuno: wh… what is it?

Sifuno: why did you stop?

Me: nx! Buka ukuthi uhamba kuphi!

Him: Sorry, cela igama lakho.

Me: ungenaphi kwigama lami?

Him: bengithi suvele wayithatha inhliziyo yami.

Him: kodwa igama nje.

Him: Mangi… Smanga… Smangaliso Mkhize

Smanga: cela I number phela.

Me: lalela la mawungasuki lana ngizokuhlapaza ubuchopho manje nje, nx.

Smanga: shona kona, Mina kuyangijabulisa nje ukuthi ngizobulalwa uwena.

Smanga: are you trying to kill me?

Them: shut up!

Them: I’ve got a gun in my hand and I will shoot you!

Me: go ahead, shoot!

Voice 2: yabona lona, I want her first.

Him: sit down.

Me: I can feed myself, angisiyo ingane.

He laughed, I was dead serious.

Me: so do you intend on turning me into bones?

He chuckled before he laughed again. It was intimidating but I wasn't going to

Him: who said we want you dead?

Me: sawubona, what's your name?

Girl: Nkosinolwazi but mama calls me Nolwazi and yours?

Me: Nhlalo, how old are you?

Girl: 10, I'm supposed to be in grade 5 this year.

Me: is that woman your mother?

Me: how long have you been here?

Me: you'll be fine, just let go so I can call the guard.

Her: no, I'm dying, just promise me something.

Nolwazi: do you have a mother?

Nolwazi: I miss my sister.

Me: you have a sister, lucky you.

Nolwazi: Nhlalo ngisize!

Me: akayi ndawo.

Me: yey machomen! I can walk by myself!

Him: so you're the rebel.

Him: take this bitch out of my sight, nx.

Siseko: a glass of wine might help you with the nerves.

Me: you can start now.

children— if he had a daughter he wouldn’t be doing this, no father would even

Me: fuck you!

surrendering to that animal, so the blood running down my cheeks became my

Cebile: I warned you.

Me: sawubona nawe, abak'fundisanga lutho Kini?

Siseko: masosha niyabona ke lona, she's the kind of woman I love.