A Survivor of Depression and Anxiety

TW: The following talks about suicidal ideation and depression

"I wish I was dead", I whispered to myself. I scratched my arms until they bled because
physical pain was more bearable than the mental strain I was feeling. I've spent years of my life
living with the memories of the abuse. The PTSD hurts when you know you should've done
something differently. The panic attacks are intense especially when it's just you and your
thoughts. Depression and anxiety crept up on me like a slithery snake that hunts its prey. I didn’t
know exactly what depression and anxiety were when I was twelve years old. Although, I did
know that it was eating me alive.
Hours later from having those thoughts, I looked out my parent's car window and
watched raindrops race each other down the glass. The rain was getting heavier by the second
and my mom kept saying she was frightened that we would crash. I wouldn’t have minded that,
though. Crashing might just take me away from this awful world. However, we made it to our
destination, the hospital. The hospital is where you go after you have difficult thoughts like mine.
The emergency room’s walls cried from the people who hate hospitals just as much as I do, but
it wasn’t as loud as the nurse asking me questions about how long I’ve been feeling this way.
My brain fought back and forth on whether I should lie or tell the truth. Somehow I decided to tell
the truth. I concluded that I would finally allow myself to receive help because “About 60% of
adolescents with a major depressive episode did not get treatment.” (Bhatia, 2020). At that time,
I only wanted to get help, so I wouldn’t be a burden to others.
I eventually got put in a psychiatric unit for months after that. There were tears shed
through that time and many therapy sessions to teach me how to fight back. The smile I gave
when I heard I was going to get discharged was the happiest grin I have ever had.
I thought my depression and anxiety would be cured after that, but I still struggle with
depression and anxiety. I finally receive help for not only others but for myself. My mental
illnesses get better every year, and I learn how strong I am with every passing moment. I’m not
stuck in a dark hole as much as I was, and I finally see a future for myself. I often get asked how
I got through the hardest part of my life. I simply say that I kept looking for hope.

References:

Bhatia, R. (2020, November 2). Depression facts and statistics. Retrieved January 16, 2024,
from https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/depression/facts-statistics