YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war
general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed 'possum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling
the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and
seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and
cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has gotten into a fistfight at a high school sports
event.
16. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
17. You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. You think the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the
shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the
Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size
bottle of ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front
ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute".
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the
hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food
groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are
"Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the
same... they're a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an
opening on the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all
time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You've had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help remove
the wheels and install the skirt.
47. You ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the
car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good
time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there.
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia
on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it
in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the
4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
79. Your mother comes outa the bathroom and says "Y'all come look at this
before I flush it"
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting
on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and
you only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
 86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in
your truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92. You ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left
arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a
baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one
what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the
Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
about is if you can loose them or not.
102. You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that is!
103. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake
set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make
love.
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your
fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
115. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Placces'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the
three of the primary colors.
120. You ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your
sister's honor.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just the men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her
house.
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
126. You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can
get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
128. You can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against
it.
129. You celebrate groundhog day ('cause you believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than five times describing what the tornado
sounded like.
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch
something!
132. When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" it reminds you to
pull up your jeans.
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of
taking the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House"
Skowronski)...
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your
home town.
135. You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas
in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at
the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the
new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will
Always Love You".
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a
very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed...you
must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet
item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
(Clinton true-life story)
144. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for
it).
145. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan
Jackson.
146. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
147. You ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
148. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
149. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
150. You ever parked a Camero in a tree.
151. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
152. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
153. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how
much gas it has in it.
154. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the
restroom was flooded.
155. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
156. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
157. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets
light.
158. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the
tractor.
159. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
160. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
161. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen,
start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
162. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
163. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
164. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
165. You bring your dog to work with you.
166. You ever took a six pack to a job interview.
167. You can belch and say your name at the same time.
168. You ever put oil or anti-freeze in your truck in a K-mart parking
lot.
169. You wear your ball cap when you eat in a restaurant.
170. You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with
a sick kid.
171. You ever ate roadkill for dinner.
172. You have to honk the horn to get the chickens out of the driveway
when you come home.
173. You get mud on your tires when you visit your mom.
174. You painted racing flames on the John Deere.
175. You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
176. You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between
squirrel and rabbit stew.
177. Any family discussion of chicken and dumplings turns to Aunt Edna's
cooking and ends with a few moments of respectful silence.
178. You have scars on the back of your hand where Uncle Jeb stabbed you
while you were reaching for the last piece of fried chicken.
179. People come to your house to ask if they can hunt on your front
lawn.
180. Your bike has a gun rack on it.
181. The UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
182. Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a
leak.
183. You ever had sex in a sattelite dish.
184. You go to a bowling alley that has valet parking.
185. You are known for your homemade squash wine.
186. You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a
lot like Daytona Beach, Florida.
187. You wrote in Richard Petty's name on a presidential ballot.
188. Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
189. You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possesions.
190. You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge
clearance restrictions.
191. Your father fully executes the "pull my finger" gag during Christmas
dinner.
192. Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
193. After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find that it
gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
194. Someone asks to see your marriage license, and you have to dig
through the floorboard of your GTO.
195. You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
196. The Health Inspector visits your mothers restaurant and asks to see
the body fluid clean up kit, and she points at the dog.
197. Your name is Junior, Junior.
198. Anyone in your family died right after saying "Hey, Y'all watch
this!".
199. You were kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.
200. You have more tattoos than teeth.
201. The only tailored items in your wardrobe are your bowling ball and
your bedsheet.
202. You know how many bales of hay your car holds.
203. You have the word "howdy" in your answering machine message.
204. You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem
them.
205. Your two year old has more teeth than you do.
 206. You refer to the duct tape on your car as "chrome".
207. Your truck stalled on the expressway. And you never went back for
it.
208. You ever drove a truck into the creek just to see if it would float.
209. You wish your outhouse were as nice as those at the state park.
210. The family business needs a lookout.
211. You've painted a car with house paint.
212. You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.
213. Your mama can back down a biker.
214. You ever named a child after a dog.
215. Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack
when you slammed the door.
216. Your sister's education goal is to get out of highschool before she
gets pregnant.
217. You walk your dog & you both use the same tree down on the corner.
218. you have more belt-buckles than pants.
219. you call your sister, "Dear."
220. A family feud arises sunday morning between family members who want
to watch jimmy swaggart and those who want to watch wwf.
221. A fancy night out for your family is a jaunt through the drive thru
window at hardee's.
222. A man asks your wife to dance and she takes off her clothes and
dances on the table.
223. After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs
with empty beer bottles.
224. All of your four letter words are two syllables.
225. Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
226. Anything outside the lower 48 is "overseas."
227. Birds are attracted to your beard.
228. Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it.
229. During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your john deere hat
fell off.
230. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
231. Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
232. Have had lovemaking interrupted by a cow sticking it's head in the
car window.
233. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
234. Your idea of forplay is: "get in the truck, bitch!"
235. Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
236. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
237. Someone asks, "where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "she's at
home with the kids."
238. Stealing road signs is a family outing.
239. The cockroaches left you a note saying, "clean this place up!"
240. Your girl wears a dress that is strapless and a bra that is not.
241. You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom.
242. Your mom french kisses better than your sister.
243. On sunday's people stop by to ask if you're having a yard sale and
you're not.
244. your face looks like it just been run over by a car wash.
245. Your dog has fleas on the inside of its ears.
246. The clock in your kitchen reads the time backwards.
247. Roses smell like their drunk.
248. Your house gets up and runs away.
249. When you take your trash to the dump and you return home with more
stuff than you left with.
250. You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
+251. You're afraid to wash your car because it may stop running.
+252. One or more gears in your car don't work.
+253. There are enough empty beer cans in your truck that if you turned
them all in, you could buy another six-pack.
+254. Your yard contains engine parts to more than one vehicle.
+255. Your idea of a nice dinner is McDonald's.
+256. You can't tell the difference between the trash pile and the good
parts pile in your yard.
+257. You have two or more sets of bald tires.
+258. You have a "Brahma Bull" sticker or horse hood ornament.
+259. There are two or more unfilled warrants for your arrest.
+260. Your car has been towed more than twice as an abandoned vehicle.
+261. You only have pants with a boot cut.
+262. There have been two or more failed repossession attempts on your
car.
+263. You cash your checks at the local liquor store.
+264. There have been multiple attempts to repossess various appliances.
+265. You driver's license has been revoked more than once for DUI.
+266. The purple tint on your window(s) has bubbles.
+267. You think Hawaii is not part of the U.S.
+268. You think the best beer is brewed in Milwaukee.
+269. You routinely buy beer for less than $2 a six-pack.
+270. Your idea of a real sport is the tractor pull. ( or a Mud Bog,
usually spelled Mudd Bogg)
+271. You have one or more rolled vehicles (running or not) in your
possession.
+272. Your idea of dressing up is putting on your other hat.
+273. All the back pockets in your pants have circular holes.
+274. You can't remember the last time you shaved. You can't remember the
last time your wife shaved, either.
+275. You kill dinner yourself two or more times a week.
+276. You have scavenged car parts off of other cars parked by the side of
the road (abandoned or not).
+277. You buy oil by the case because you have to.
+278. You buy a case or more of oil a month.
+279. You need a ladder to climb into your four wheel drive.
+280. The pigs try to keep up wind of you.
+281. Oil has been struck in your pillow.
+282. You and your wife have matching His & Hers tobacco pouches.
+283. People accuse you of lying through your tooth.
+284. You think if given the chance, YOU'D be able to pick off that damn
Energizer Bunny.
+285. When Sears eliminated their catalog you were forced to start buying
toilet paper.
+286. You think Proszac is a sports guy.
+287. Your secret chick pick-up spot is hanging around the 36-D cup rack at
Victoria's Secret in the mall. (or ...If you read this and think,
"Hey, yeah, what a great idea!")
+288. You think re-booting your machine refers to kicking the truck tires
the second time it won't start.
+289. The house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly
dies.
+290. You think "No Nonsense Panty Hose" means they're crotchless.
+291. Before the November election a polster asked you, "What do you think
of the issues?" And you replied, "Well, I liked 'em all, but Miss
May had the best bazooms."
+292. Your mother can cuss out a state trooper without removing the
Marlboro from the corner of her mouth.
+293. Your wife has ever had to ask you to move the car's radiator so she
 could take a bath.
+294. You've ever had to bum chewing tobacco from your wife.
+295. The NRA won't even set foot in your yard.
+296. Going to get a shine means coming back with a jug.
+XXX. You've made it to this point in the list and you haven't
laughed once.