A Royston Tan Film Cut You look very familiar you remind me of someone from the board of censors

you're from the board of censors right? Eh, silence isn't always golden okay. I'm your greatest fan. I know every film y ou have ever cut in the history of Singapore! For example, five cuts were made in the Talented Mr Ripley, and for Eric Khoo's 12 Storeys one entire scene was cut! There were two cuts in Titanic, four cuts i n Stir of Echoes starring Kevin Bacon. Five cuts in the movie Scratch. Two cuts in Swimming pool two cuts in the Hong Kong film Purple Storm and two cuts French film Love Me If You Dare! Five cuts in Possessed one cut in The Man Who Wasn't There. Five cuts in intimac y one cut in Infernal Affairs, House of Haunted Hills starring Jeffrey Rush six cuts City of Gods at least one. Three cuts in The Hours and the acclaimed french film Eight Women cut one left seven women only. Nine cuts in the Discovery of Heaven, give PG. Two cuts in The Center of the Wor ld, six cuts Chicago, four cuts in the Korean film Bicheonmu and Y Tu Mam Tambin t he most important scene was cut RA also you cut. And in Sophia Coppola's Lost in translation the scene with the women dancing top less in the bar was also cut very daring Golden Globe award winner also you cut! I wonder if your husband is cut. Let me test you, how about our Singaporean leader Royston Tan? Cannot remember right? ghest record so far! But the Japanese film no cuts, why? Because it is still banned! gether, banned together! So happy! film 15 directed by that street gang 27 cuts! I'm so proud of you, your hi In the Realm of the Censors amazingly Like the Leung Chiu Wai film Happy To

Coming back to the film, Chicago. I'm so glad you cut out those two scene of the man removing the the woman's stockings and the man in bed with two women. Imagi ne all of us going home and imitating that after watching the film! And with Chi cago, the board of censors took on a new challenge to display their musical skil ls by re-editing the the songs! Suddenly lyrics like 'You've been screwing the m ilkman' and 'Sweet Puss of Yours' and 'This Fancy Pussy' have been cut out to ma ke the song go smoother! Even Andrew Lloyd Webber cannot re-edit his songs the w ay you can! How would you think an acclaimed director like Alan Parker would feel if he knew his film was cut? Like the three scenes deleted from Angela's Ashes! Wouldn't t hat affect the integrity of the film, what the director wants, his vision? Ah an d then the horror films ah you all always cut out the scary and gory parts I ask you what's the point in watching a horror film if there is no horror left at al l? It's like eating fried kway teow without the kuay teow! And every time you censor or don't censor a film, especially those Oscar winning films, you kena curse by thousands of Singaporeans! How do you kope with that p ressure every time? Do you think the day will come where Singaporeans can practi ce self-censorship, hmm? Don't like don't watch lah! Then at least you censors d on't have to feel so misunderstood right! We are honestly very fortunate to have you to protect us from the evils of the a rts. But being our so-called nanny, you yourself are exposed to all these uncens ored and controversial scenes! What I really want to know is, who looks after yo ur moral welfare? Or do you have a special charm to protect you? I mean, isn't i

t a work hazard? How do you resist the eveil temptation to become a call girl when you watch the uncut version of Chicago? Or a drug addict when you watch the uncut Trainspottin g? Or a lesbian when you watch Boys Don't Cry? Or a serial killer when you see t he Japanese film Battle Royale? The way you scarifice yourself to protect us is too much for me to handle. Tissue! Thank you. By the way, do you get turned on when you watch sexually explicit films? Sorry, too sensitive. Eh very nice wig, ow it cuts! Time for a hair cut. Before I forget, the Pirated DVD Association of Johor Bahru would like to thank the board of censors for your efficiency in chopping all the films in Singapore leading to a 65% increase in profits over the years! I am a great fan of the censors! I am truly amazed by the way you edit certain f ilms, the frequent jump-cut style of editing seems to pay homage to the French n ew wave kind of editing! Would you consider giving editing classes in a film sch ool if you were given the opportunity? You seem to have developed your own style , highly original, very daring, sometimes, too Wong Kai Wye. I heard a vicious rumour from a housewife in Ang Mo Kio. That the PSC is actuall y coming up with a machine that will censor our thoughts. But then they abolishe d it because it would put all the censors out of their jobs. Is that true? (switch from Part 1 to 2) ...Normal Order, not making real progress. What do you think of such slander? Another person told me that you asked distributors to censor their own films to encourage greater industry responsibility, but the real reason is because most o f the members of the censorship board can no longer handle the side effects of a ll the uncensored films they have to watch! Isn't that true? The defendant made no comment. We all know that Singapore wants to preserve artistic vision and promote local f ilms but thanks to you local films get the most cuts! Back to the lesbian scene. If I watch two women kissing in the film The Hours do es that mean that I will become a lesbian? Imagine me becoming a lesbian! You censored films, theatre, television, what's the next big mission? Our lives? Our sex lives? Song I'm not much of a critic in fact I just watch what I'm told. Without your sharp scissors my habits would be uncontrolled. You stopped me from seeing what I shouldn't see, and helped me become what I oug ht to be, like the rest of the crowd, Singapura is roaring out loud! Siam~ And we say, thank you to the censors, the scenes you're chopping, thanks for all the crime you're stopping. How to live without you, there is so much I musn't k now, doesn't it show, as long as you think it is no good it must go! So I say, t hank you Mdm Censor, for saving our country. Must cut, too violent, must cut. Must cut, show durian, must cut. That one, got

lesbian, this one, got street gang, that one, can see the c-butt. Remove, and show us the proof, and then we'll approve, as long as you cut. Hmm that reminds me of someone. Last Film Fest, I gave you my film, the very next day, you cut it away. This yea r to spare me the sheers, I'll just send it to cut directly. And when she saw 15, she saw a very strange film. She couldn't understand why it named the street gangs and chanted their rhymes, it was a sign of the times, an d so the scissors were flashed, now it's NC 16 or maybe R 21, the damage already done, the moral minority won, now we call it 15.1. Zai Lai! They said in time that Singaporeans will make their own decisions, they were wro ng, they were wrong. They said in Newsweek our public is discerning in their viewing, wait long long, wait long long. We built a nation, quick to judge, but when it comes to morals we need our monar ch! This one is PG, that one is G, this one is RA, you cannot see. Your only old eno ugh, after army, this is Singapore, censorship is free. Censorship sets you free, censorship is for you and me, makes for gracious livin g, and harmony. Snip every clip, help the public grow, trim every film, they do not need to know . Screen every scene, show no mercy, cos where reality lurks, that's where censo rship works, so we snip every trim every screen everyBoard of censors, here they go again. My my, someone is complaining. Board of ce nsors, man they show again, why why, no need for explaining. While you can guarantee that(switch from Part 2 to 3) I say, thank you for the censors, I really thank you, how I wish that, they all could know you. Know how hard you struggled, to keep my conscience so free, choo sing for me, without your slice of advice, what are we, so I say thank you board of censors, for giving your PG. Cut cut cut cut cut cut cut! Okay go home! Someday I'll find- CUT!