polysecure Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy Jessica Fern with @ Foreword by Eve Rickert ond Nora Semaren sanyo aren considering nonmonegamy would benett fom reading Beer Jansen Fain does an excalan eb of nat ony sapainingataenent tenn and eet ah cn Wie lp ree cc snag aldntp ya od euthor of The Mere Unde he Bed Sex, Oe Prion andthe Comaon Ne Aen Henn rte ronmercaamy butalso ofering eal seps readers can tabe and hls —Jotlen Nett, eed “This sveaure leading for peoplen onenreaionships and should be used asa serthook forever therapist who works with people in plyamerousrlaorshipa” Kathy Labo, counslr, nuts and auther of The Pheer) Becky Book, TheJeloay Workock wd Leven Abundance Peta eins people any to undertand how hey ray be recent old ‘errs by binging tele nn chlchood atachrrent ses ito thle ado relaon ships And even more ingot, &ofers concrete ail for how to use his Indole cat heather stena and oan elon pee” Mac iver, iminacy conch sr author af Lang Coole How Cnet I oy Yur Reon Tings Go Deezer “tev bl ein to the Herts condensal noainonngiig aid the fret eeehalp book to focus on applying attachment theory to normo Dr Meeohe Barat autho oF Reiting the Rue: Av Ant Seep Guies 1 whelehentedlycecommend ths beck ts anjone interested ia ae acceptance sd-ealiwatary aswell ar it one enone walling wb bed eon he, healthy mull elaonships” ey Charles, rauonthip conch and author of Jecouay Sul Gute ot Fee Soe Hepa) and Steiner Over Relaorsis“A eens ead for both teepits who serve people i consensually nonmonog ret rational ed laypeogle whe are ietreted i het has Fr ane: tachientsin such rebionhipa =0e Elasbath Sho, muh of The Popmority Next Door Soe fom the Daas, When Semaene You Love it Bohamersu ad Chir in Bahomarsis Porites polysecurepolysecure ‘tachment, Twa ond Consensual Nermeragemy ‘Thoentace (AP PressPolysecue ‘Auachment Tava and Corsensual Normerogamiy epyright © 2020 Jessica Fem. Allights reserved. Mo par ofthis hook any be seeder rroduced 3 sry roinar oetoe ev ethert win peitron Gore the publisher eceptin te case of ref quotations merit! ales and eis 7.0, Boe yay? Forand, OR 97294 unsibthornimeposs.com ‘Thowntce Press's actites take pce on tadhionsl and ancestral lords ofthe Cet Stich people, inclaing the Chinook, Musquesm, Squash ond Ta hush nore ‘cover design by Brisna Harden Inseriee sign by Je erner Substantive edtng by Andre Copyeciing by Hace Boydall Frontrensing by Heather van de Hoop Library of Congress Cetalogingin Publication Data Nasves Fem jessie, author ‘ela: Palyzecireatachmert, trauma ac corcensul nanmanagamy /by et: sea Fe Deserpoon:(Portand:[Thomeee Press. 2025) | incudes biographical sefeencts are det Nereiers: LECN aotooagee2 (ind | LECH zeac009995 (eboot | SEN s7trsasay4ats (engerbach) | ISON g7B1g5a3003 fale edn) | 150M 9781544934996 (pub | ISBN optggarasve (pe) Subjects: LCSH! Normanogameut reatonshipt-Peycholagiel aspect | ‘rtachmen behavior, fcater: LCC HQoHo 47 4040 (pin) | LCC HQsB0 (ebook) | OBC sesselap dss Ucrecord avilable st htisfece lec gavioaneoossa Cabot acord avilable atts luen lc gnulananca9993 o. Dist ediion noIn lving dedication to vis Kaminsas (1361-2008) ard my madrina, Maria Fuse 347-2014) You wer the sje even or scare be that | ase my resiegy acontents past THO hi i iil Na ‘Chaat Ee tachment and Nanesonseasy ‘Shorter sc The lrnonance a tachment in Consensual Noamonceany pam THREE ‘Ghatar Sevan: The Foundations of Bsing Daancus in Your Elatanshing ‘Chater ph Tne HEARTS of Being Plsscse ‘Shae Ming The Sin PARTS —Sesure Atcha Sih ‘Stacie en. Common Questions ard Final Thowshis Mates ‘biogaswe “harrier ervey sien Ti ie ard Palyeeny The New Lave Without Linas ware frst pubtshed in 997. Bot Becks rote new oud and ofered are dey ard community for normonezameus people who bed previously staged in islation. But these books were writen Fam the petpesines of pact subcultures, and they id ebuldn) cel with ‘he fl cme ofinoasconfnted bythe neoy palmer ‘Options beget paferae in the ate 2000, wih haa ihe Opening Up ard any lexterknonm ties These fess uicerrange ofpractiascice,but the ‘te Opening Up suggests this wave of oly practice presumed the cenralty ofa irtmary cove end pepuisd « barbie! model in whith mimerypeciecs ware ta have sighs and eft ha secondary or casa to the same degree. Early polyamorous madia representation trough shoe he ‘Paimernec Meied and Dating Rerclyrsinfoce thi vow ‘Thiewne te tne of gelyamon uae intoduced to wen fr: began olen in the eay 20008. The hierarchical reaionsipstveturesthit wef the natn in ithe elie cde I Rind ti i ll nin rap ano pba) apt ome ofthe Sing of ecatiy oFerd by moregamy by protecting stachment reeds, a oer mass potent tachment Seuption, for there whe were in sealed pemary riionshns. At the same te, they dé dismal eb of hon currg the atachmen: needs of pares who were considered “seconcar’ those ‘outide a primar, unvsly presumed to be resing, couse, whove bord mas pre- ie be ra ra woth of protection than teeters “opened wp to. 2st some people ware maling ness In 2003 the publiain of “A Proposed Secondar/e Gil of Rights" caused a stir in cnline pojamoreas cls, and pro ide secondary press wth animartnt to 0 advocate fr teense, Ane Noreen published “The shor insrucoral Mar\eso for Relonship Arachy {n.2006, uesioning the weed for selina! herarchies, nc by the earl aot an increasing numberof popular Bloggers—mary balding on Nerdgten's work wer pushing fr Hesogriven wide ange of rationed lay ofthe needs of secondany parsers Then. inaot4 rn eauthor and | published Mave Thon Ti, stamping to ‘i he et decade's worth of debate into an iach aru ha promised » romviearchical, more egltaran way of thinking about polamerous rebtion shies \When Move Than Tao ereoutaged yamerous people to seep avay te exer I supporingsicctues ofboth monogamy and palamorous hier, ough, shat afer in exchange fll hort placed the ou a ulin scot amet erteny on the vidual who fl inncate Degpte the mary pele who ware lots oy the book hi appropri cue cnutes Farm, and verse | pew 2 rdertand there was something misting mn our famewori— just didnt have she wor ee lew No’ blog wher in 2016 aha propted that “The Opposte of Rape CCalire ts Narturance Cte” tht began fo help me Fd word fr what ad aan micing for Mo Thap Tus. anche out to har an Tatartstaleabout our work When re freed helm suramar 2016, nar bth Ing in Eset eau My essay The Oppose cf Rape Cute ls taturance Cubure” had gone wear Nerthatyeat and Eve reached out 1 alkshop. Mowing overiced dns at le Eas Van cafe, we tossed atound he en ofa tere and | know hi inthe frat bosicto apc wares the pincpin of tach rent thao torenmercgamous lasonehoe Par One covare an vaniau af atachent theory and mums In Chapter One | ofera gener! cession of aacement theo and how dere emsnoed we perlences relate tothe our ciferentanachment styles that people can develop, ‘Shapes Two eiotes some aspects of atachmert that me less commonly dsr cuted inthe rsintraam tachment raat. Here tae lok at he di cimansion afatachrnan rcty and atachmartsvidance af a more precise ay ‘understand the our divet attachment syle. | alsa ream the stash stles taste on teirsuergths and desires (nt Just the éysfunctons. high lishing how insecure anachment ses can ao be expressions of se heathy dvs for maororny and connection. | else locus the importance of the rele ‘orahip batrean atachmert a love Seine Thus, | preset she nested model of enachment end trauma hin I deveined to urther arpa the way in which we concie of ar dieats eacrmert and cama. Atachmant and craumea occur over multe levels oF évensons of our hurvan expeience, and here | eploe these eifeen eves ard how they rate to atachment and aura bounds andthe giving and veshving of Pan Two look the interaction of ronmmonogamy ang atchenert. In Shpter aus | eplain the diferent reasons why people engage in normonegamy and de seroe te aiferent pes of ronmonogamy bared en whee pele identify their level of seunl exchsivey oF ronson! excustery itrsectrg wich towemoseraly eclisve cr emeteralynonerclsive they are Chast Fe reins, what Se arent atchrentresarch sas about nerenonegery and I shre my Sis eta oy Boome npc, ai | pecen the ebcenasont and insighe te nanmaragemy and atachmert tat ‘ve guine tom my therapeute are coahing practice At the end of this chpte | pp the resed model ofatachaven nd aurea to lustte some ofthe specie rd unique ways hat people aho practice nonmonoginy experience tachment putes and rama et each of the een rel rove practic! lok a vat you ard your iri ct doe abit eos atasheon hy stchewietheeed pobainorent ‘iionthipe. Chapter Sean ate yout gt lar about what bone for atchrrant nies tlaonshpe and han enna what beng afar rd sere bie might ook ke for you ane your parere. Chaniee Eiht ane Nez sue you tough the meawrs ef beng polysecuremthis acer arveuates ix speck things yu can dotoeltvate secure atachmart in your lp relation ships: Ghaptr Sekt fcuees onthe HEART in HEART, looking st how yo can en ed Chae ine cuter on miing secure attachman sth youre an mperatue and often ‘overlooked aspect of atachment tha | fed eral for eonmonogamy. The book Pare The enitches mod hance your atacheeteacuity within and among your alatineh doses with hans Ten, where |arsner sore fecuenyashed quesions are ofer ‘ry paring words It nr hope tat hia book wil ea a broader alarative pr epecine onthe appleton of stschmert heey and that ar mora and more pple oe foraré ina he Fanart of nanmanegamy, thse most uncharted tr tones mlb waversed eal long, sklfly and ofcourse, sautePart One “The fst section ofthis book provides on ovesiew of tachment theory the four secu tnd inner tachment ayes the diferent hmenbons oF tacvee: and the mared meds of stscnent ard ranma, The descitont ofthe divert sb tachment sys used inthis book have been adapted om and inspite by the work of One Poole Holler Daneel Lisa Firestone, Danie! P Brow, 84% ‘misincer and Pili R. Shaver[AN OVERVIEW OF ATTACHMENT THEORY tatrir ATAchMENT 184 OEE? BONO and an ending enetins! closeness that connests peale to one another serosssg8ce and tme2.AS human inf, we ae born it ts wold with an atachmer system ha ites us a expect connection with ether. The eettr of atachment then [hn Bowlby, called this innte Lepectton the steiner beaver sem ard eplsined tha itis one of several lehariorlaytene thet humane voled te entine oor evra At efits we ait yee meet any oF ou" aun needs. So it orer to sun, ve have 6 bond and act earners ho can provide us wth ood and sheer a wel ac meter ogcal and psjchologcleseds for etotional stunement nar 1espon- sireress and casing physical touch. Popular parenting eatare oem cal tha “in tn” ands brown to be x cial par oF any chchood devalapment [hea fat fol er, diese or dicarfet, ti tachment eaten sctiaed This promprs them te qui tm vars ther carta or use proc Imigssecing behavirs suchas cing. reaching or. caling oto. ar cawing rd cloning shee azachmene figure. Al these behsions are serps to reste Fesings ef safety, ard in many cases to restore etal soley, too. Habe hil re caver the support, reasturance and comfort they need rom thi aetna, hee rerous seta than retune tos eat af calm nomeortavieInfrte and cidren eho ean yt fl eglae thie am emational states depend on ther enetaers 19 couepate for them. Heine dose wit arcther human helps chive to fel cars. Tuer, being connected to and soothed by ther carats overt teach them how t soothe and regulate ter own emotional states As cilren, ‘wnt te iw that our tachment gwen are neni and acta. Nn law tha the wil provide ue ith Se haven to tun han we nether, Which then gas usa secure Bate fem which we can explore our enaronmant owlnyealec thie the exter beavers nstem. When our sackman neees are being met this system enables vs to fel comfortable and fee to explore ‘ourselves others andthe wold sound us Joh Bony and Mary Aiaweth's research shows hat cite deve (Gekiig sf Wnt n ans oi pene ang eepanding oe Bow el ‘hair parent ae able tobe 9 canazd and repontive safe haven for tem. thas caster ae able to mast most of the nesds enough of he bm, chien ly have 9 secure atacheveet. tf they expeience tne pares 9 incon: sistem, inaccessible, untesponsive or even theatering and dangerous, hey adopt by developing mere insecure etchant ales, four atahrentFgeen vere a i desig our abi 10 eal eplore arto lear about the worl and aut wr oe ails. ‘ion this iapprn we dare insecure srateges fo engaging with others—ve may became mace igi senous ormoresoica and drive icalner and Shave crested 3 mde! of atchmertsytem foreloning ane rt a6 eth analsis of the diferent lvls of poten etachant rapture in haoter Te, + chant peso tail Fe epaonced a iescury stocked nldheoe you ean eit gon to have heathy eau tached ad ree enships ipeameing hat called an ned see atacrart. Yor tachment stiles ae sunivel adaousons wo your errant and sincethey nace lenved they ca also be uieaoee wil touch move on eared seca aback in Pat Thee ‘Arachovet ables ate rot igi ides to tae on. Thee diferent ise ar ter ar not how you relate ll ofthe ine and they ae net the eta: |ny ef ho you ae | afer nar pople descr thareaes ae “lar a rosa orl om anziusy attaches” seeing hersehie hel hough this one ers We can alse do this to aur partners, abelng them ad every thing they do as aren f Sem “beng an eeidert” or “being peas eapiad” ate, From a rarstive therapy perpectin, thie ould bs Sar of esertiiing ‘in which someone tes ne pr oftheir denier expsence and sees it asthe emmy of they are. Tome, th alo xpoues te prado of bets, Labeling curselees or even cering a cingnosi an be vey help I can give inpevant cart and defiton to the sraggles thet we hare ‘ban fcing, Whether it bea partonaly ype, @ medel condition, x pa: shi foro ceolngy chart. nding uceelesin «cern ee can be efeshing. We may fel that our erpererce tno longer mysterious Crust lites 2 us, buts acuallyundersced,welaniculaed and even shared with others. For ome, reading about acerain atachment se an leray put their enti ife ad relatorahip history into conten, beating ‘her frm the ide that they are balan or hupesny doomed to never Irae latonchipeucees, Instead they can see thamacher a 8 parzan ho ht witly taken on a cra tachment adaptation aed they ca fel cerrponereé to change hat capstion ard choose a more secure rath fom hich to move ornare Concerety abelng oF cecing a diagrsis can sis confine us into gid eagoroe shat my rence ur sense of ear absece he fleas of ‘vho we ae Lale con wally heap ur stuck inthe mindeet af thie who / 1, ond thsi whe I il conve to be, lnated of eving ourealan 9 someore ono stugales th amet, we see cuales as ance) ase Instead of setngourshes as someone who is batting depression, we see couteles as depression itself So, shen reading about atachrent bes, please Hen wih what els uf and plese be wind fii dew ‘hina yows x tare ae wore than te pobre weft 1+ You might enero mave thar one syle. Some peop see themselves in vo, three or eve al four of he sles. You migh functon fom a more secure syle most ofthe time, but Hen at oat a pare insecure se ile understress, you ight erionce diferent tachment tes de pending on wha you are lating to. Many ofa have dierent attachment lez yalton to wach of our porate, fa ecampie—ve might hve Flt ‘vty secure nth one paren, but inseate wth anther: The shies of eur parte lee havea ipa on ur own atachment expiession A parner vith 2 dismissive atachment sie might provoke mere amious/ preccapied behavior from us, of being with e more amious paroet might polarize un ine being more diamine. Our atachment ables can “erage fom ove raatanhip tthe nastard tay con sles charge within specif elateranp withthe same peton + tasty your anachmert soe snot an excuse for abuse ve nead people ne thei atachment seas an excuse thls actions, lang thle skied or eer har bebevirs on th “fc! of thm henge cesta a sehen ae le doo de ial you ar tng out in flare ‘atde yourzl your partere or atjane youre in conta with, ‘te your eaumas and wounds serousy are seek pofezsora support ‘Ges of vetence, abuse or reper can undoubted be boken when te rahe suppor in place ln this section, rst present he tres ncecure ae inthe polo it wich ‘hey ae commonly presented by other authors Honever some researchers and‘eotss hare moved away om using the wadiona feurtpe axachert tp: ‘my proposing instead that wtachmert pays out over he two eimensions ofa enlist beaters Thin erie parece bes re precise way oFurcerstandng the deren eprssions ofthe zecoe ard Insscore tachment ies, hich wl pasa afer he ties nce style, ‘The Avodart smisve hacen Sle “The avoidant and andious sles wee fst obsered in chen by ay Aisa ‘1978 trough hee Stange Stustion Procedure.” In these experiments, infants rd young children were sewed with cr primar atachnen gece (sual the ‘other room Bled with oy. Each cid was at time alone with her parent in the room, then left alone with a trarger while the part tapped cut of the ‘20m for several minutes. OF pacar terest were he much the end eeploved ‘he om oftor on much ancey the i fl when eft alone ith the tanger ard how the chi responded cist beng separated and then reurited wth thet aren The child's response we sepeaion and ceuion bear the priory way of abel cis ieee aca ‘Cdr witha encore stschant were observed at comfortable explain the ‘20m oF os whe their paren weve present, at ease rteraing with strangers veher paren ete paren nd then exresting Healthy atachmert cnvers wher ‘ake pares lef the room, lowed by tell are confor ihn tes parents re ort ‘Thi hanes Ssbiod ab ue heidar sachin pirat ered 9 being Get fore tir catalars showing ile te. etree fen ‘separation resin interest in he parents upon reunion, ané even shies ltleereference for being wth Sher parerss versus she searger. These chien vere Iss lilly 10 eeplore the room of toys ard often oefered 0 ploy by them ches. Interesting; the seemingly urffeted demeanor ofthese chidren, sho wars plysiealy ane national ditt fom ther caress, i not reflect heir invernal state Even tough these chidrn apeated “oe” onthe outside, they were ctully experiencing itera signs of elevated heer mt nd physiological stay [A child who had patents who were sosty unavaieble, neglect or absent sdapted to thei atcha environ fertng tiene sstnt. cel or high focused on acheverentor appearance ‘an ceate an emsronment shave he ci lars that hey ate beter oF eng on themseies. When « enid does not get enough of the postive aachment re sporaes that they need or they ate ough rejected o cited for having eed, ‘hey wil adapt by shuting down and desevating thir attachment longings. & lid fs th earn oeree thet nerd te torn hy bed to nk sb ‘chen bids for prouenty ar aatecon i orer ta prevent he pin an corti son of ntiet errjection, In this stanton soni often lars to subsist on ero: ‘ioral crumbs, assuming ths the best way to pt ther reeds met by ti parere is te ectan ify don't have an. nadathoed having a deaniveted atachenent a sd anon, but Aig ibn ily pal ene techie ce fol Some ofthe ferent factors hat can centibutato a cid adopting an avoidant ‘uot includes nt oly misimitng ne oe bide fore acrmert spe are + Inlton tough too mach tne alone or not enouah fceeface te eh + The abeanc of physi raneioalpresane rom crear + Tea much amphasic on tashbaeed precerce That here cages are only ietant wher they are tings educate reach someting tthe ches ‘wats practel academicer sels base. + Too tnlezouch and acon, orwhat Diane Pool Helle cals burr” + Emotional eglct where ertional nowishmert low of absent and per sffuctvny aad the ci signal, Soch parents might ‘pond in incnetin way or be complitay unregpanis ste chide wm sets are sable 1+ Bopressecssorance, which swen someones facil or verbal expressionsae mismatched wih ther motional stats. Someone might be lnughing eae anger aang when they Ar setully epoch enn be confusing t children or anyone fr tat matter). Since chide ae laring hw to Harty and expats thar our eretorl state Housh the medsing ofthe aduteatound ther, 3 part with expressive desonance can ciate chalenges in theca nity 0 unctertans othe feviegs arto excess ‘heseles in nays tht ae sell apaceprite and auth. +) Oisoptd enganaret wi crabs di tiles roe ete ta ing in banding sack: eat bahaviors (oe the nested attachment model in Chast Tres, 1+ Rejection fom parents tat might Be ongeing, subtle or even autght aban onmart ofthe chan! pena espaneblnes Inara ith thr the eld or the pert pati 1+ Parents who are ovis sc ane controling. 1+ Parents whe might bee the best intention, but hase «child who be di erat frm thom that they ar unable to undertand oF connect with that bili ated ways ‘Ds Anatent co Al In edulthod, the childhood avodant ses vleed to 0 daissive A peor rom a diminsive aye wil tend one people a a egph Unully pring theses on nt nnding anyon, people stn he zh wil end to take on an ovr selfrlant autlock, valuing their hyperindaperdence and fen seeing eters as weak needy orb0 dapencers. although hey may Dresant as sevieg high selfestem, people fanciorng fom a dismissive atachrent syle fen project unanted tts onto ethers ar fle thei sen of ete carer @ alia nagativeslfrage People wth thin atcheset se hae raped lowes rl oration sation, ust ond coranttnentt oe wel ex ring nove Signe wr Sal idler ‘A person witha dismissive atachmert sl kay i at what they nance ‘earl in if om tei pray eaesivers 0 hey learned to get by and survive by reedng lite to nothing fom others, When someone grons up ita heme with rial or ne enetinsl nowishment it ales sense that they would deers Flasze the value ard importance of wstionshins, and that hey rally eplate on i + Orarinvlving he child in the pant sae of mind where the parents ‘rvlions or tae of rindi mare cant ote parent-child intercon than 1 childs I hit ate, the chid might be asted (whether epi i= lot) 10 be respersble for mening the parents nees, making the parent, feel Dever or suppvng the parent with mesring and purpose. Ts often ve 1 «parent on evel of eet stess or uvesoved aura o heir on ansiou tacheent try When the tate of vind Fhe pra i he aarp finer the chi at cantar mir an ba ceria aboot thei prents sate of wolcning. which can encourage 2 rae reysal which the chic acing move ke te gaent a te reannshin, ‘As 1 Gil, being resporsible fora paves welhbeing Is» misolceé con fusing acd orennbling esponii, + Ouaratimultion Wie in an inresingly simulating wel, wth fever ap: oe to ret piyselly and onently between itaracine with paola, ech ology bilbode ads and the lit. Ove nervous sytem need bes fom such simulator ie oer to develan prope and garents ean impede this proces when they fre costar contact, req ateon oF presence fom 4 cil hat might be beyond their cevelomentl capacity hover oer the hid, intyjctshemaees when the cid i ealmly playing independent or Anja ro wth shar exer pueh cist bounds Srvash dling, or afetion tats unated bythe chi in hat parteiar momant Parents who eieourage autonomy Some parens discourage thee chs agers and autonomy though comments of suggestions tat insinaate, ‘wher sbi er ory at the child is incopebl ke thin or wot eeu in sore nay Ean wl intentioned parents ean qutsbon ther chides se ‘Sore an decision in ae hat are cham ine parents who ae sting vith thee oun arty can eniygetovervnines by chicren who want. explore ard discourage or oveprotec the chi in way thetuncermine thirintrests a abies, PrscepiedAtarhmert crn elt “hen vee to charcize an act arwous sttschmant is called preceespied People wth the atachment ete demonstte an itense focat and heehee ‘concern about the level of lovenes in thei elionshipe A deg factor of he preoccupied sl is how the peser'shyperactated tachment stategy rot ony sevpfes tar atinchwant ide, but azo inenifas ther fous on thir pent hin heyy wel pct irri tpt lea 3 vainbliy, intrest and resporsianes. The partner of someone with » preae cues atachmert soe ay then fee tke ths constant sacking of relational misat tunements ard enna is cortioieg of ther. But fr the perce wih @ peas copied atacement stl, his bebevo is kas er attempt to ove canola symptom of thi auachenart stm bring over ese ven the sights ign hey mgt lef. From the parepsive the/te not tying 5 cond hee partner hey pnt rating or a elasonship theyre at ip Pingo of harrands Hyperfows on the other can lad 1 9 connection or loss of se throu parr thas