= sed when Lwas twenty-tv9 years old, and J wasyoung, 157 belived in things: Tabouabt maybe Tconld Dep che: he problem was, ‘{ was 2 twenty-two-year-old, freshman at lege, which is nota great school, and my GPA wast getting into amas ram whichis very competiive for clinical psyco cpesded an internship—something to help me ‘out; some . 1 decided to volunteer at ‘the Humanivarian Suicide. chow uprone Saturday noming at § nat and 1 valk js church on the Upper West Side ‘of Manhattan. And: “ bunch of people milling bout but T see thie gny thatsdon’t know how great they can be, and what friends and com forvand kinship they can bring Te took me along time to quit... that boyfriend. And ‘© quit smoking, But sometimes I stil iniss the smoking. Senifer Hixson iss senior producer at The Moth, where! she is best known for launching and developing The Moth StorySLAM.eo clearly in charge. He's siting on the desk. He's sort ofan ex hippie turned a litle corporate. He's gota flannel shirt n into khaki pants, you know what I mean? omile tea bag intoan NPR cup. know who this guy is. I get ‘He's a vegan who drives a BMW. Llnow it, Ne tells us his name is Glen. He's like, “Hey, check it out all right. My name's Glen.” And then he thanks us al for com ing and says, “Hey, even though we'e in «church, you know just want you to know we're not affiliated with any sort of reli Bion ot God, so let me just tell you straight-out, if you're here for God, or any sert of polities or religion, you should leave ‘now And right then, some old dude in the back just goes, “See ya,” and walks out the door, ‘And then Glen sts down, and even though he's got this cor- orate Jewish metrosexual hippie thing going on, little bit of a Louis Gossett, Jn, because as soon as he starts the weed people ont. People start d he's also gota rill sergeant thing going on, training class, he’s starting to roping. ‘There was this ene guy who was sitting in the back of the class drinking a forty of beer. The clas I should remind you, was at 8 a.m So he was gone, ‘There were these two teenage dudes from Queens who ev. ery time they talked were like, “Hey, douche bag” and then they'd high-five. They were gone, ‘There was « woman who did a mock phone eal with Glen, ‘cause in the two-week training class he where he pretended to be callers, be this seventy-year-ald dude wh mock phone calls And Glen was pretending to 10 was HIV positive and had was very upset. And he was +, Naney, who was doing the just found ont he had AIDS and talking to this potential voluntee phone call, He's dipping a cham. ener 375 ‘And she said, “Well, Ijust want you to know _ very ve tting, Pm very sorry for you, but you did choose this ifestye, x ‘mvery Aer Om 3 sded out was tant things Glen woede ‘One of the most important 1 ee y were either suicide survi cople who were there because they were tae a Cie they'd lost somebody because of re oh ecgone they themselves, the volunteer, id contemplated o ed to commit suicide, fe wn fea would say, “Yeah, checkit out. You're really not 1d fit?” Gone. ; i: : re ebe end of two weeks of traning, otf fifty sah peat Jao eame to volunteer, there were only four of us left, aa ‘Glen ws really good. But will tl you right aan es oe Because what Glen didn’t know about areas ved in San Diego, California, an four years before this, [lived in San a : xing ‘hs girl Tracy. Tracy was addicted to ane I ns roan 5 he meth, I woul ered tn Tracy. So Tracy would try to do # ; ranean nather one ous wold ever be aed. hats try to do her; m diction. a nr One day Tracy slept with my best Fens Baby Ai ‘cause she was int y who looked like Morrissey, cause she ie OE nad it, And I bet you Glen di cat a ee jumped in my five-speed puke-orange VW Fastback, - ee neat ae to my did’s house in Del Mar, Califor: some cary fie Oe ia, ‘cause my father’s a retired cop, and I went into ns foc dT wok his 38, And [bet you Glen has no idea tl a doesn't have one of those clips tat you putin. You mw ee Jets in, then you snep it, and its really easy, even if you hhow to use guns. ae — grabbed a bottle of tequila out of my father’s Tiquocabinet, and I gotin my car, and I drove to Torrey Pines Beach, Took the gun, and I drank about a halfa bottle of tequila, And a gun like that is really easy, because if you pull the hammer back, ithas a hairpin. You can just tap it, and is gonna go off ‘And I took the gun, and I stuckitin my mouth, And Til bet ‘you Glen has no idea how good it feels to stick a loaded gun in your mouth. It feels incredibly good. Things weren't going good for me, and I'm just pointing it out, just saying it right now in front of all of you—it felt good to have control. ‘To say, Tin gonna puta gen in my mouth, an Dna gonna have sons control aver something. ‘And I sat there, and I was trying to contemplate doing it, and then. “Tequila makes mes little dramatic. And I threw up. Ym not a good drinker. I want to be. I want to be the guy that drinks a bottle of tequila, but it's not me. T'm not Bukowski, Ym Dr, Phil. And I threw up al over the gun, And there's noth- ing that sort of snaps you out of a suicide impulse more than throwing up on a gur. Icreally clears your head. ‘And T took the gun out, and I thought to myself, Well, at east I know Drm not the type of person that's gonna pul the trigger, which is something 1 had to find out that way. It snapped me cout of the suicide, and [felt really good, and I felt this moment of clarity. I wiped the throw up off me, and I got out of my car. Tas at Torrey Pines—a beautiful beach—and I went into the water, Twas late at night, Beautiful full moon. And [ went in the ‘water, and it was perfect. [had what, for me, was the perfect life ‘moment. I sat there under the full moon, in the water, just feel- ing really good, the waves sort of washing over me, and I real- ized that's what life i. There are these moments of beauty, like perfect Moments 377 moons and oceans, and then there are moments of horror. And then it’s good agzin, And then its horrible and kicks you inthe face. And then it’s good again. And then it's horrible and s pig sty, beeause that’s what life is. But then for a moments good. [And for me that was enough. But [bet you Glen didn’t know any of that, because Imever told him, Go at the end of two weeks of training class we walk out of the training room, and there's the hotline room. There are three desis with phones and a coupk: of plants, and there's list of phone numbers hanging on the wal, ‘There's Glen's home shumber in ease you need him. Thete’s poison control and then there's 911, in case you forget the number for 911. “And then there’ @ sign that hangs on che wall that says the motto of the hotline, which is ssr up anp List. Big block Jetters, sur ur AND tisTaN. And thats an amazing expression tome. That is exactly why I stayed there for four years, Because after six months, I got my certificate, I was free to leave, But T ended up staying fur four years beexuse it made me feel good ro work there, for two reasons. ‘One, listening to people's protlems on the phone, you start to think to yourself, You know what, I don’t have itso bad. These spople bee it alot wor, T's ike ifn go tothe park, and yout fon a bench, and you look down, and you see a squirrel, and you think, Well atleast Frm nos a suirrel. You know what mean? les something. ‘And two, seeing the sign, SHUT ur aND tasTEN, its how you ad» prevent suicides—by listening to people ‘We dont listen to each othe:. We have agendas. Whether ies somebody you love, or just casual, we all have agendas ‘Were al trying to get something, and we like to talk 1 clearlyLeu like to talk a lot about myself. I’m up here, But the idea of si ‘ting and listen:ng to somebody else talk made me feel good, It ike Iwas helping, And that’s why Istayed for four — made me feel years. ‘Now, the training basically says that what you do is you ans swer the call. You say, “Humanitarian Suicide Hotline. Thanks for calling” You then listen, You have to be an active listener Glen said not to get seared of silence if there was silence on the phone because “Check it out... Silence isa form of communi- cation, Right on.” He also said that you can't get manipulated by silence, so if it lasts five minutes, you gotta hang up the phone. At the end of twelve minutes, end the call anyway, be- cause that’s the alloteed time, But before you end the eal, you hhave to evaluate the person's level of suicide. And the way you do thats you ask a series of four questions. 1. Do you fea! so bad that you think about suicide? 2. Do you heve a plan for how you would do it? 3. Have you seca time for when you're gonna do that? 4. Have you taken any steps today to kill yourself? Now, in the four years I worked there, 999 percent of all calls were YES, NO, NO, NO. A lot of people think about sui- cide, but most people don't really go the next step. Glen said the closest thing to a warning sign that you can have for suicide is if somebody says something like “I don't ‘want to die, Ijust want the pain to stop.” And if you hear some- body say chat—that they want the pain to stop—a bell should 0 off. Thae’s a person who's on the edge. So four years later, Tm working at the hotline. It's just me and my shift partner, @ guy named Adam. Adam's a communist, Not relevant at cll to the story, ust alittle detail. You're wel- come, J nertect Komente 379 So me and Adam are working the overnight shift, from leven o'clock at night to eight oxlock in the morning. You i ‘to do one a month. And it’s busy ee like 4 a.m, till the bars se in New York, and then it gets slow. Ecaneed four it was my turn to answer the phone, and ne ings, and I pick twp eon pula wns, can Thelp you?” ‘ And this very young, cute, scared voit comes on ee phone andays, “Hi My nareis Any. [Uke roll ‘And I say, "What's up, Amy? What's going on alt She says, “Oh, nothing, I vas just, you know, calling caisse I was feeling a litle sad.” ‘i ‘And T was like, “Ob, what ae you sad about? a And she goes “Ah, I don't know tings are prs apes have good grades at school, and my parents don't get i nether lone ad you kno, Tae oo rend takin Tees | yh im from, and NYU's god. Lave good frends here: She said she had two types of friends, which 7 thong - really funny. ‘She had bar friends and then sl 7 rl fiends. [like that expression. I wish I had some movie friends, be it. a away I pictured her, -he way you do when you isi some on the one, Lcured en es doin oom nd Tpietued «gut and I pete her wth long ait siting on her bed, and Rollerblades, and a Dr Pepper, you know wh an? I got her figured out ‘ re et mi “Well, that sounds good. But you aid you ‘were sad. What do you think shout when that happens ; ‘She said, “I don't know. I don't understand what sre can't control it, Sometimes when T have a great day, what the next day is I ery to duplicate it, [wake up atthe same time,Ttry to eat the same food, try to have the same pattern, so that Tan control the day, so that I don't feel bad.” But then, out of nowhere, she said, she felt what she de- scribed as a hand ccming from behind her and sort of pushing her down, And I said, “Olay, well, what, what's going on when that happens? What are you thinking about?” And she said, “Ah, everything, nothing, I don’t know. I just feel so stupid.” She started to sound uncomfortable. And then wwe started to flirta litte, not in an inappropriate way, but look, a lot of the callers I talked to over the years were erazy. This ‘was different, She could have been a movie friend if [ had met her in some other situation. I was talking to her, and we talked for a little while, and then she said she felt dumb because of depression. ‘She felt this erizpling sadness, and that there are people who are clinically or socially or chemically depressed, but she thought maybe @ lotof people overuse that word, or use it as an ‘excuse, and she was worried she might be like that. And T could identify. I felt the same way. T don’t think I get depressed. I mean, sure there are times where [don’t get out of bed for four days, but Pm not depressed, right? So we were talking like that, And then I noticed that it was about time to wrap itu ‘Amy started telling me this story about going to some place with her family onc day, and their father bought ice eream, and itwas a great day. said, “Oh, that’s great.” And T looked at the clock. But then Amy started to slur her speech a lite bit, said, “Amy, whet’s going on? Are you okay?” Perfect Moments And she goes, “Yeah. Look, I know it’s selfish, and I know its stupid, but I can’t do it anymore. I just want it to stop.” And I said, “What do you mea? What do you mean by ‘i?” She goes, “I don’t know. I jus: can't. I just want you to talk tome? ‘was like, “Well, when you said ‘it what did you mean?” She said, “Look, I don’t want to die. Ijust want the pain to stop.” ‘And I woke up. I said, “Amy, do you feel so bad that you think about suicide?” ‘And she said, “Yes.” I said, “Do you have a plan for how you would do i” “Yes.” “Have you set a time for when you're gonna do it?” “Uh-huh? “Amy, have you taken any sters today to kill yourself?” And she said, “Yes.” And I said, “Amy, what have you done?” And she told me she took twenty high-strength painkillers, and I said, “What kkind of painkillers?” because that's what you're supposed to ask, and she told me, and I wroteit down. And I threvr a pencil at Adam who was nodding off, and I handed him the piece of paper so he could call poison control, and I could have some information about what would happen, so I could pass it on to her, [tried to keep Amy talking, I was trying to ask her about other things, and she was again talking about that day her fa- ther bought her ice cream, and itwas very confusing, and then ‘Adam came back with the piece of paper. Held called poison control. I sid, “Amy, given the fact that you took twenty high-strength painkillers, and that you drank,eu and that you haven't thrown. up”—which she had told MH you understand that you could die within an hou?” And she started to cry, And I was like, “ a aie es, Took, do you want help? Do you want fo something? I can do something oe something, but I can only help Our policy was not « . not to intervene unless people asked T said, “If you want help, Tean do something” a a she goes, “I do. I don’t want to do this.” is tsi ‘Great, what's your address?” She gave me her ress, I handed it to Adam, and he went to call 911. ‘And [kepe Amy talking. Iwas ike, “Uh, Amy, what kind of came ha your ther bough your ‘Yoo mestoned ir father rou ice eres ic 7 che ought ye ¢ cream. What kind of ice cream But it was silen: And it ; ind it was silent for two minutes. Ant | silent for five minutes. And Fm ‘supposed iain 2 fe Done btwn hal eal bg ne Sa im a then around thirteen, fourteen minutes, I heard noises a a and I heard people knocking, and then I heard the re i ie footsteps, and then Theard the phone up, and a voice said, “It’s Ve mck panda wie said “Te okay. Weve gut her” Iw a home. I was supposed to Bo to class that day. I had ne a Queens College. But I didn’t go back to Queens Col- = Tneer went bck Queens Cllege. never rade ‘was supposed to go back to the hotline for a debriefing based on that phone call. I rone call. I called Glen and told bi Twasn’t coming back. tata “Checkit out..." Click, im I quit, that And then I did all the things you're not suppased to do i ose in perfect Moments 383 that situation. I obsessed about it.I stayed up, and I drank, and {[ smoked, and I drank coffee, and I searched. Tt was before the Internet, but I looked through the papers and listened to the ~ adio, and finally, after three days, I found it. In the Daily News, page 23, a small paragraph that said that they had found the body of anincteen-year-old NYU student named Amy Walters sho lad died of an accidental overdose, ‘And I know why they call i accidental. I get it. There's in- sarance reasons, religious reasons, family. They don't want an. epidemic to startin a college. I get all that. But what] didn’t know until that moment was that she was dead, and I was the last person to talk to her. Not her mom in "Tennessee, or her best friend, or some boy at NYU that prob- ably had a crush on her but never talked to her. Me. ‘And I wanted to call her family, and I wanted to try to go down to the funeral, but I knew it was inappropriate, and so T didnt ‘And the thing of it is, I have had bigger personal tragedies over the years. I spoke to her for less than an hour twenty years ago. But I think about it every day. She's me, in that car. Thad pulled the trigger, that would be me. And she never got to find ‘oat what I got to find out, which is i's terrible sometimes, but there are these perfect life moments. And that’s enough. Brian Finkelstein (cwittercom/@bsfinkelstein) is a reg- ‘lar performer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and is also the host of the LA Moth StorySLAMs. Because he is tber self indalgent, he has performed way too many solo shows in a variety fof venues, from the HBO/US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen to the 2012 Summer Nights Festival in Perth, Australia. His soloes us Long Time about working ata suicide bos pilot script for Fox called Blue, Later be ‘Show. While at Biles, Brian was ominated for two Emunys. Daytime Emmys... but still, Mose secently, be has optioned (and reoptioned) his feature Good Grif weigh 72 Productions and has been working on his atest solo show, Toeryhing Is Boeryihing, Other than thar, he watehes «Tot of TV fan eats a lot of chceolate-mint-chip ice cream. show, First Day Offi 8 Tine), was developed into 2 wrote for the Ellen DeGeneres