Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Jokes
Version: 1/00
Airsick...
Paper Shredder
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you
sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tipp-Ex. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you
discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
Words of Wisdom:
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water pistil and shoot other people in the eyes.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand
on.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of
high explosives.
There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.' - Alistair J.R.
Young
The Dictionary of Appraisal Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee
appraisals …
AVERAGE:
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.
HAPPY:
Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL:
Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns
today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john,
but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and
spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly
e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up
Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not
showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins,
huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank
you for calling.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my
employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't
bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
My step other has come back as one of the Un-dead and we must track her to her coffin to drive
a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely
surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
Engineers' Terminologies
100 percent
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
Here's to achieving 103%.
IF,
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then,
HARDWORK
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
KNOWLEDGE
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
But,
ATTITUDE
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
However,
BULLSHIT
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
Memo
There are four engineers travelling in a car: a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an
electrical engineer and a computer engineer. Unfortunately, the car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized up." says the mechanical engineer.
"We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again."
"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I
think we should clean out the fuel system."
"I think it might be a faulty plug lead", says the electrical engineer.
They all turn to the computer engineer who has remained silent and say:
"Well, what do you think?"
"Um - perhaps it will help if we all get out of the car and then get back in again?"
LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.
CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect
control.
OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs
and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun.
AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
End