Insignificance

Have you ever felt as if you were constantly under the microscope of humanity and a

victim of its harsh opinions? Did you ever want to feel secure even though you knew you were

more exposed than you have ever been in your life? Have you ever felt as if you could depend on

no one? Perhaps shut everyone out so much so that the silence and solitude started to feel

essential? Well I certainly experienced the short end of the stick regarding these questions at one

point in my life. For you to understand I will give you an inside look at one of the worst things

I’ve had the pleasure of going through and learning a thing or two from.

Growing up I was a very outgoing, a social butterfly some would say. I constantly hung

out with friends and enjoyed being in the company of other people 24/7. I would beg my parents

to let me stay out a little longer with my friends so that I could be stuck in this trance of

happiness for just a little longer. As time went on and friend groups changed, I saw myself grow

extremely close to one person in particular. This person was Blake. Blake was one person whom

I thought I could trust the world with and not have to linger in hesitation for even a moment.

Over time our families grew very close and I saw Blake being my best friend for life. However,

this all changed in an instant, or that's what it felt like. Blake and I’s relationship started to sour

as new fights arose daily over small matters. After fighting for a while it had gotten blatantly

clear that there was no point in continuing this friendship. Arguing and apologizing every day

felt like putting bandages over a lacerated organ. So for the better we decided to end our

friendship on good terms, or so I thought.

Some weeks went by and although I was sad, I was happy for the first time in a very long

time. I was at peace knowing both I was happy and that so was Blake. However, this was a false
sense of happiness that I was experiencing. I realized this when I found out about how Blake

handled the situation and what type of swamp he was dragging my name through. After talking

with friends I learned that Blake had told various people a very deep secret of mine. A secret that

I told Blake at one of the lowest points in my life when I felt like I had no one but him in my

corner. Having learned about this tragedy it felt like my life was over, I felt exposed. It felt as if I

had no control over my own life and that I could never do anything to recover. However, what

followed this was the brightest chapter of my life. Yes you heard me right, I said the brightest

chapter. Now you’re probably asking yourself, how can I describe the coming future as the

brightest chapter in life despite the horrible event I endured? Well, let me explain.

Learning what Blake had done shattered me; however, this shattered feeling did not last

long. I saw it as an opportunity to grow my character and, most importantly, my resilience. In the

past I was so outgoing and social that I even tried my best to people-please anytime I could. I

used to think that I had to be likable to everyone I came in contact with. I used to think I had to

change myself if multiple people didn't like a certain trait about me. I used to think that my value

came from those who passed judgment on me. However, all this did was put a false sense of

reality in my head when it came to humans, especially friends in the world. Thankfully, this was

all false and nothing but immature thinking. Sure I had a lot more friends acting this way, but at

what cost? I looked so happy on the outside during those times, even though deep down I was in

my unhappiest state. All my energy was put towards bettering myself for the likes of other

people. This was draining physically, emotionally and most of all mentally. However, as I said

before, I only let this last for so long.

I recognized the moment I was in and I took charge, quite well might I add. I first made

sure to take away any possible human error I could encounter in this quest for reformation. I
made sure that the only human involved was myself. This way I could not possibly feed myself a

false reality, one we so commonly get from our closest friends and family. Secondly, I made sure

to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. When it is just you, a pen, and paper, it is very hard to

lie and sugarcoat reality. Making sure these boxes were checked, I embarked.

Every day I dedicated my 24 hours to bettering myself. I worked tirelessly to improve my

mental health, my spiritual journey, my education, and my health. I also picked up a

life-changing hobby around this time. This hobby was none other than journaling. Journaling

made this transition the easiest. As I said before, it is very hard to lie to yourself when all you

have is you, a pen, and paper. I used this to my advantage and clearly wrote my reality out in

words. I wrote down every right and wrong about my life, sugarcoating nothing in the process. I

wrote down where I aspired to be in life and the steps I would take to ensure I’d get there

someday. I wrote down the truth for what it was and did not subject myself to a false sense of

security or to the poisonous biases of friends and family. I truly self-reflected and implemented

changes in my life that altered my life drastically in a positive direction. I allowed no one's

opinions to cloud my judgment or block my path.

Although I have presented a solid case on why you should learn to love being by

yourself, I don't believe blocking out humanity entirely is the answer. I think the best answer is to

be more selective in the people you choose to call your friends, especially your close friends. Not

everyone you meet is going to be a close friend in most cases. Take human interactions for what

they are and don't create false narratives in your head that cause you to hyper analyze every

single thing about another person's words or actions towards you. Don't waste your time trying to

repair unfixable relationships or trying to keep up with certain standards to feel accepted by
people who are insignificant in the bigger picture. This will do nothing but take away precious

time and energy that you should be putting into yourself to ensure a brighter future.

Regardless of how dreadful this experience was, I learned many valuable life lessons

because of it. I learned how caring too much about what other people think only truly hurts you

and your future aspirations. I learned how to truly understand my emotions and how to think

objectively. I learned that people don't give a single shit about you, even if you are the perfect

saint they want you to be. I learned that people look for the trending topic in the very minute

because that's how low human attention spans have fallen, thank you TikTok. They get their

dopamine rush by either responding to your ass-kissing or by making fun of you. You will never

be able to please everyone and even if you do nobody will care or give you the credit you are so

desperately looking for. People use you for gain and the second you don't bring enough profit to

any aspect of their life they will drop you quicker than you’d imagine. Blake and I knew

everything about each other at one point in our lives and yet without hesitation he spewed

everything I told him to the exact people we would talk about never wanting to be affiliated with.

Love yourself, recognize your worth, and most importantly work hard everyday to be the best

version of yourself. Don't waste your prime years thinking about what you could have done to

change the past or about what people think about you. If this is the case, you will be covered

head-to-toe in regret before you know it.