Title: “Constance, The nicest girl in town” - Ryde the Cyclone

Character: Constance ‘Nicest girl in Town’

About: 6 children lost their lives due to a roller coaster derailing and they must plead why
they deserve to be given a second chance at life. Constance is ‘The nicest girl in uranium
city’

—————

Monologue + Song (Sugar Cloud)

So… I lost my virginity to a carnie in a portapotty before I died. Like, 3 hours before. It
was…kind of porno. He was like..ancient. Like 32. And he had this tattoo on his forearm. It
was of two skeletons having sex. And it said “born to bone” on the bottom of it.

“Isn’t my tattoo the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen?”

I fake laughed when he said that because you should always laugh at guys' jokes or they’ll
think you’re a cow.

My mom and dad owned the Blackwood cafe in town. It’s been in our family since forever.
The Blackwood’s have been feeding Uranium City since they opened the mines. My family
had pride when it came to that. Til I went to high school. And having pride about our town
was only the lamest thing you could think to believe.

After a while, I started feeling kind of…crummy about stuff? Like ashamed? At the cafe, I
would catch myself looking at my mom, and thinking. “What a loser.” “A stupid, dead-end
loser, in a stupid, dead-end town.”

My parents were good people. And all I could do, was think horrible things about them. I
really wish I’d never thought those things. I got so ANGRY that I was born in the only family
in Uranium that raised their kid to think that it was okay to do your working, living and dying
there, and it… it got all kinds of poison after that.

Anyway. My virginity. I just wanted to get it out of the way. I just wanted to do it, so I didn’t
have to think about doing it anymore…. No. Actually. I just wanted to lose it. In the most
horrible possible way. “Constance the lifer lost it to a carnie in a crapbox in a crappy town.
Why of course she did.” And then, I rode the Cyclone with the other kids in the choir. And
that’s when the accident happened.

We were at the top of the loop when the roller coaster made this kind of, screaming, metal
sound. Sparks were shooting all over the place, and then the screaming and the sparks just
stopped. And there was like this… weightlessness.

My heart jumped a gazillion beats a second but I didn’t scream like the other kids, no. I was
just soaking it all in. Cause on a certain level it was SO RAD. And it was like, something
unlocked in me.

My heart welled up with all this love for everything. Images, and all this feeling flooded into
me, like… like climbing back into my bed in the morning and feeling the heat leftover from
my body. Hanging upside down from the monkey bars until my heads starts to tingle.
Smelling jiffy markers. Putting glue on my fingers and chewing it off. Listening to music and
dancing around my room before going out to a party, and pretending I’m going to have the
perfect time. Finishing an essay. Undoing a knot. Pizza night. Halloween. Watching my baby
brother dance naked to ABBA! Being in the choir, at the HEIGHT of the hallelujah chorus,
and feeling all of the voices rattle my bones. I started laughing like a crazy person, giddy with
endorphins! All dancing leprechauns and rainbows and unicorns, streams of chocolate,
whirling rides, flashing lights! There’s no shame in LOVING my small town. The only good
things that happened to me, HAPPENED in Uranium. It took a horrible accident for me to
realise how god damn wonderful everything is.

I used to think that life

Was just a jawbreaker
Yeah you suck, and you suck, and you suck
And you suck and you suck some more
Yeah, you suck so more

At first, it seemed so sweet

As the colours come and go
Like the seasons come and go
The slush and rain and snow
'Til you can't taste no more
So you suck some more

I used to think that life

Was just a heartbreaker
That just breaks, and it breaks
And it breaks
And it breaks 'til you can't break no more
'Til you can't take no more

Aah aah

I see the world with all

It's backwards upside down
There's nothing wrong with being the
Nicest girl in town oh, everything's clear
Now that I'm here on my sugar cloud

Oh my soul, it sings a song so sweet and pure

I've felt it all along but now I'm sure
Oh, everything's love
Looking down from above on my sugar cloud

Let me take you away

To a sky of cotton candy
We'll fly in like a kite on a string
Up-up-up and above
All that sugarcoated dandy
I wouldn't change my life for a thing
It makes me wanna say

I see the gold, I see the pink

I see the blue
The sun goes up, the sun goes down
Oh, what to do?

Oh, everything's clear, now that I'm here

On my sugar cloud
I used to think that life
Was just a jawbreaker
Jawbreaker!
You suck, and you suck, and you suck
And you suck some more

I used to think that life

Was just a heartbreaker
It breaks and it takes until
You can't take no more
And now I'm floatin' high on a cloud
And I could puke a rainbow

Ah ah ah ah da daa da daa da

And all of the bright

All come together in a beautiful light yes
She sees the world
With all of it's dark and it's light yes

I see the world with all

It's backwards upside down
There's nothing wrong with the
Nicest girl in town
Everything is clear here on my sugar cloud
And now now everything's love
Looking down from above on my sugar cloud

Oh, everything is clear now that I'm here

On my sugar cloud
Look at me now on my
Sugar cloud

Yeah!
Title: She used to be mine - Waitress
Character: Jenna
About: Jenna has been hiding the money she earned from her husband under their sofa, to
enter the pie making contest. Eventually her husband Earl finds out and gets furious and
tells Jenna she better have an explanation for that. Jenna gets restless but quickly comes up
with a lie that the money is being saved to buy the crib for their unborn baby. Earl felt sorry
for misunderstanding Jenna, but Jenna knows she is only doing so because she gets
caught, and thus this monologue.

—————

JENNA: The truth is early, the truth is… I….. I was saving that money for the baby.
To buy some nice things, a crib, toys, it was all for the baby.
Yes earl for a crib.

[Pause]

[JENNA, spoken]
Dear baby
If you ever wanna know the story of how we bought your crib
I’ll tell you
Your crib was bought with the money I was gonna use to buy us a new life
The Springfield Pie Contest is starting next week!
And you and I will not be in attendance

It's not simple to say

Most days I don't recognize me
These shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave 'em
It's not easy to know

I'm not anything like I used to be

Although it's true
I was never attention sweet center
I still remember that girl

She's imperfect but she tries

She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help

She is messy but she's kind

She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine
It's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a back door
And carves out a person
And makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you

And you're not what I asked for

If I'm honest I know I would give it all back
For a chance to start over
And rewrite an ending or two
For the girl that I knew

Who be reckless just enough

Who can hurt but
Who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised
And gets used by a man who can't love

And then she'll get stuck and be scared

Of the life that's inside her
Growing stronger each day
'Til it finally reminds her
To fight just a little
To bring back the fire in her eyes
That's been gone but it used to be mine
Used to be mine

She is messy but she's kind

She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine
Title: “My party dress” - Henry and Mudge musical
Character: Annie
Context: The show, about a young boy named Henry who moves away from the city where
his best friend and cousin Annie lives and into the country. Noticing his struggle to find a
new playmate, his parents get him a “great, big, slobbery dog” named Mudge, and things
start to look up – until Annie comes by for a visit, and Henry has to decide if it’s possible to
have two best friends.
Time:

—————

"My Party Dress”

Did you see my party dress?

This morning I was feeling dressy.
Mother thinks I'll get it messy,
But you cannot see where I have spilled.

I spilled here.
And here.
And here.
And here.

Oh no, that was on my other dress.

John Michael stole my birthday cake,
And Jenna Walker tried to take
My Crunch 'n Munch. It wasn't fair.
I grabbed the punch.
I climbed the chair.
And then I fell and punch went everywhere.

On the floor.
On the chair.
On his shoes.
In her hair...

But it wasn't on my party dress.

John Michael once made fun of soccer,
So I stuffed him in a locker.
I play soccer and I play the flute.

I do art,
And discovery camp,
And tumbling,
And tee ball,
And I play piano every night.

My dad says I'm a prodigy,

But I think I would rather be
The FBI or CIA,
A secret spy who saves the day,
And when I finish saving it I'll play

Ode to Joy,
Injun Joe,
Frére Jacques,
Allegro,
The Pachelbel Canon,

And also this song I wrote

Ah-ah-ah
La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la.

It has words:
"I'm a spy,
And it's really fun,
And I wear a cape,
And..."

Do you like party dress?

When I do pirouettes it rustles.
I buy all my clothes in Brussels.
Dad says that's where Brussels Sprouts are from.

I've toured Brussels,

And Paris,
And Vienna,
And this one time,
We pretended
To go to Rome
But we went to Iceland.
And in Iceland,
My dad presided
Over an international corporate trade hearing...
Woops, that was a secret.
…And we saw the Reykjavik Ballet.

My dance class is on Saturday.

Miss Laura and Miss Lisa say
I'm much more bright than I appear
I chassé right. It's very clear
That I'll be in the Nutcracker next year
As a mouse,
Then a soldier,
Then a marzipan
Or a candy cane,
Then a Russian,
Or an angel,
Then a Polichinelle.
Let me dance to this song,
'Cause I wrote it so well.

It goes "Ah-ah-ah.
I will dance until
I play all the parts
In the great ballet."

Sing with me!

Ah-ah-ah.
I will do a turn.

And another turn.

Mother says I'll quit.

I will never quit.

I will do a split.
And I guess that's it.

BIG PAUSE

Oh and one day when I'm president,

My bedtime will be very late
So I have time to legislate
The kinds of laws I think are cool.
I'll pass a clause to banish school.

And then all of the countries that I rule

Will be peaceful,
And happy,
And comfortable,
And satin,
And frilly,
And pretty,
And lacey, and silky, and perfect, and pink

Like my pa-ah-ah-ah-ah...

She attempts a cadenza.

[ Big breath in ] My paaaaarrtyyyyyy dressssss.

Title: “Astonishing” - Little women
Character: Jo March
Context: Jo reminisces while her sisters are still with her. She finds that her family and friends
are themselves astonishing and this encourages her to write her novel
Song time: 5:30

—————

Possibly write in Jo coming from her talk with Laurie. Venting her frustrations to herself.

JO:
Who is he?
Who is he with his marry me?
With his ring and his marry me,
the nerve, the gall.

This is not,
Not what was meant to be.
How could he ruin it all
With those two words?

I thought I knew him

Thought that he knew me
When did it change?
What did I miss?

A kiss,
When I thought all along,
That we were meant to find frontiers,
How could I be so wrong?

And I need,
How I need my sisters here
If I can't share my dreams
What were they for?

I thought our promise

That we would never change and never part.
I thought together,
We'd amaze the world.
How can I live my dreams or even start when everything has come apart.

I thought home was all I'd ever want

My attic all I'd ever need.
Now nothing feels the way it was before
And I don't know how to proceed.
I only know I'm meant for something more
I've got to know if I can be
Astonishing

There's a life
That I am meant to lead
A life like nothing I have known
I can feel it
And it's far from here
I've got to find it on my own

Even now I feel it's heat upon my skin.

A life of passion that pulls me from within,
A life that I am making to begin.
There must be somewhere I can be
Astonishing
Astonishing

I'll find my way

I'll find it far away
I'll find it in unexpected and unknown
I'll find my life in my own way
Today

Here I go
There's no turning back
My great adventure has begun.
I may be small
But I've got giant plans
To shine as brightly as the sun.

I will blaze until I find my time and place

I will be fearless,
Surrendering modesty and grace
I will not disapear without a trace
I'll shout and start a riot
Be anything but quiet
Christopher Columbus
I'll be Astonishing
Astonishing
Astonishing
Title: Meadowlark
Character: bakers wife
Context:
Song time: 6:50 (without monologue beginning)

————

What does he think i am?

What sort of a weak-willed sentimental sheep
Does he think i am?
Well, i won't even think about him,
I'll just go to sleep! ...

Who does he think he is?

Who could be as handsome
Who could be as smart as he thinks he is?
He just has to snap his fingers
Women fall apart!
What does he think
That i'll slink away with him?
That i'll follow him ripe and drooling?
Who does he think he is?
And what does he think i am?
And who do i think ...

(sighs)

I'm fooling?

*song begins*

When i was a girl l i had a favorite story

Of the meadowlark who lived where the rivers wind
Her voice could match the angels' in its glory
But she was blind, the lark was blind
An old king came and took her to his palace
Where the walls were burnished bronze and golden braid
And he fed her fruit and nuts from an ivory chalice
And he prayed:

"sing for me, my meadowlark,

Sing for me of the silver morning,
Set me free, my meadowlark,
And i'll buy you a priceless jewel
And cloth of brocade and crewel
And i'll love you for life,
If you will sing for me."
Then one day as the lark sang by the water
The god of the sun heard her in his flight
And her singing moved him so
He came and brought her the gift of sight
He gave her sight
And she opened her eyes to the shimmer and the splendor
Of this beautiful, young god, so proud and strong
And he called to the lark in a voice both rough and tender
"come along.
Fly with me, my meadowlark,
Fly with me on the silver morning,
Past the sea where the dolphins bark
We will dance on the coral beaches,
Make a feast of the plums and peaches
Just as far as your vision reaches
Fly with me."

But the meadowlark said no

For the old king loved her so
She couldn't bear to wound his pride
So the sun god flew away
And when the king came down that day
He found his meadowlark had died
Every time i heard that part i cried ...

And now i stand here starry-eyed and stormy

Oh, just when i thought my heart was finally numb
A beautiful, young man appears before me,
Singing "come, oh, won't you come?"
And what can i do if finally for the first time
The one i'm burning for returns the glow?
If love has come at last it's picked the worst time
Still i know
I've got to go

Fly away, meadowlark

Fly away in the silver morning,
If i stay, i'll grow to curse the dark
So it's off where the days won't bind me
I know i leave wounds behind me
But i won't let tomorrow find me
Back this way
Before my past once again can blind me
Fly away ...
And we won't wait
To say good-bye
My beautiful young man
Title: Still hurting - The last 5 years
Character: Catherine
Song time: 5:45

————

Jamie is over and Jamie is gone

Jamie's decided it's time to move on

Jamie has new dreams he's building upon

And I'm still hurting

Jamie arrived at the end of the line

Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine

Jamie is probably feeling just fine

And I'm still hurting

What about lies, Jamie?

What about things that you swore to be true?

What about you, Jamie?

What about you?

Jamie is sure something wonderful died

Jamie decides it's his right to decide

Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide

And I'm still hurting

Go and hide and run away

Run away, run and find something better

Go and ride the sun away

Run away like it's simple

Like it's right

Give me a day, Jamie

Bring back the lies

Hang them back on the wall

Maybe I'd see how you could be

So certain that we had no chance at all

Jamie is over, and where can I turn?

Covered with scars, I did nothing to earn

Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn

But that wouldn't change the fact

That wouldn't speed the time

Once the foundation's cracked

And I'm

Still hurting
Title: I’m breaking down - Falsettos
Character: Trina
Context: she breaking down
Song time: 5:30

—————

TRINA:
I'd like to be a princess on a throne,
To have a country I can call my own.
And a king
Who's lusty and requires a fling
With a female thing.

Great... Men will be men...

Let me turn on the gas.
I saw them in the den
With Marvin grabbing Whizzer's ass.

Oh, sure, I'm sure he's sure, he did his best.

I mean, he tried (meant) to be what I was not.
The things he was are things which I've forgot.
He's a queen.
I'm a queen.
Where is our crown?

I'm breaking down.

I'm breaking down.
My life is shitty
And my kid seems like an idiot to me.
I mean, that's wrong (sick).
I mean, he's great.
It's me who is the matter,
Talking madder than the maddest hatter.
If I repeat one more word,
I swear I'll lose my brain.
What else should I explain?
Oh yes, it's true I can cry on cue
But so can you.
I'm breaking down.
I'm breaking down.
Down. Down.
You ask me "Is it fun to cry over nothing?"
It is. I'm breaking down.

(Speaking:)
Oh, darn, don't have time for a breakdown now.
Have to get back to my banana-carrot surprise.

(She cuts her finger while chopping.)

Oh, that really hurts.

(Singing:)
Now lets consider what I might do next.
I hate admitting that I've become perplexed.
I'm berieved, I've cried
I've shook, I've yelled, I've heaved,
I have been decieved.

As, enemies go, Whizzer is not so bad.

It's just hes so damn happy,
That it makes me so damn mad

I wanna hate him, but I really can't.

It's like a nightmare how this all proceeds.
I hope that Whizzer don't fulfill his need.
"Don't" is wrong.
Sing along.
What was the noun?

I'm breaking down.

I'm breaking down.
I'll soon redecorate these stalls.
I'd like some padding on the walls.
And also pills.
I wanna sleep.
Sure things will prob'ly worsen,
But it's not like I'm some healthy person.
I've rethought my talks with Marv,
And one fact does emerge:
I think I like his shrink.
So that is why I could use a (should turn to) drink.
I'm on the brink of breaking down.
I'm breaking down.
Down. Down.
I only want to love a man who can love me
Or like me
Or help me.

Marvin was never mine.

He took his meetings in the boys' latrine.
I used to cry.
He'd make a scene.
I'd rather die than dry clean
Marvin's wedding gown.
I'm breaking down.
I'm breaking down.
It's so upsetting when I found
That what's rectangular is round.
I mean, it stinks.
I mean, he's queer.
And me, I'm just a freak
Who needs it maybe every other week!
I've rethought the fun we had,
And one fact does emerge:
I've played a foolish clown.
The almost-virgin who sings this dirge
Is on the verge of breaking down.
I'm breaking down.
Down. Down.
The only thing that's breaking up
Is my family.

The only thing that's breaking up

Is my family.
But me, I'm breaking down. Down.
Title: Hard to be the bard
From: Something Rotten
Character: Shakespeare
Song time: 4:40

————

My days are so busy it's making me dizzy

There's so much I gotta do
There's lunches and meetings and poetry readings
And endless interviews

Gotta pose for a portrait

And how I deplore sitting there for eternity
Then it's off to the inn
Where my innkeeper friend
Wants to name a drink after me

Then it's back to my room, where I resume

My attempt to write a hit
Just me and my beer and the terrible fear
That I might be losing it

And it's hard,

It's hard
It's hard,
It's hard

It's really hard

So very very hard
It's really hard
Very very hard
I make it look easy but honey believe me

It's hard
It's hard
It's hard,
It's hard

It's so incredibly hard

So inconceivably, unbelievably hard
It's hard to be the bard

Honestly, I don't know how I do it.

There's only so much of me to go around.
I've got so many fans
With so many demands
I can hardly go take a piss
He can't pee

Be it theatre-freak or
The autograph-seeker
They all want a piece of this
Gimme, Gimme

It's a cross that I bear,

I'm like Jesus, I swear
It's a burden but I suffer through it
He is suffering

It's all part of the game,

The trappings of fame
But somebody's gotta do it
So he does it

And I know, I know, I gotta go

And get back to my pen and ink
Oh don't make me do it,
Don't make me go through it
Can somebody get me a drink!

'Cause it's hard

It's hard
It's hard,
It's hard

It's really really hard

It's sexy but it's hard
It's really hard
Sexy but it's hard
This bar that I'm
Raising to be this amazing!

It's hard,
It's hard
It's hard,
It's hard

It's so annoyingly hard

So unavoidably, unenjoyably hard
It's hard to be the bard, baby
I know writing made me famous,
But being famous is just so much more fun.
You see... What people just don't understand
Is that writing's demanding
It's mentally challenging and it's a bore
It's such a chore

To sit in a room by yourself

Oh my god, I just hate it!
And you're trying to find
An opening line or a brilliant idea
And you're pacing the floor

And hoping for just a bit of divine intervention

That one little nugget that one little spark
Then Eureka! You find it you're ready to start
So now you can write, right? Wrong!
You're not even close, you remember that damn it,
Your play's gotta be in iambic pentameter!

So you write down a word but it's not the right word,
So you try a new word but you hate the new word
And you need a good word but you can't find the word
Oh where is it, what is it, what is it, where is it!
Blah-blah-blah, ha ha, ah-ha -UGHHHHHHHH!

[ Spoken ]

Sir.

Hello.

You asked for information on what Nicholas Bottom is writing.

Our spy is here with the news.

Did he see me losing it?

He's half blind, sir.

Oh, good. Then he only saw half of it.

You see what I did? Ha ha.

Speak, man. What news?

I saw Nick Bottom, I did.

He paid a soothsayer to foresee what Shakespeare's greatest play would be.

That sneaky little thief!

Why doesn't he come up with his own ideas!?

It's hard
No. It is, isn't it?

It's really the worst

It's hard

Makes me wonder why I didn't think of that first

It's hard

Hard to alleviate the pressure to create

It's hard

Hard to do something as good as the last thing I did that was already great
It's hard
It's hard,
So hard that he is stealing from the bard

Well I'll hoist him by his petard

All I need is a clever disguise
Clever disguise

I'll make him pay for those devious lies

Devious lies
Let him do all the tedious stuff

The work that's terribly and unbearably hard

Alright Nick Bottom

I think Shakespeare needs to find out

What Shakespeare's next big hit will be

Cause it's hard

It's totally hard
It's hard
It's totally hard
It's hard
It's totally hard

I've got fortune and fame

Everyone knows my name

I can't help it if it's so freakin' hard

Title: Ariadne
By: Verity Laughton
Character: Ariadne
Context: A girl stranded on an island confesses her tale to the statue of a goddess.

—————

ARIADNE is close by a tree. The tree can be as abstract as necessary, but some of
Ariadne’s actions should build a sense of it.
She is alone. She has with her a statue of a goddess, a flask from which she can drink if it
suits, and a ball of thick red thread.

ARIADNE:
This tree, Lady?
I suppose you were a hint. I suppose that’s why he left you here with me.
He was so beautiful!
I’m not, you know? I look like my father.
We were down at the docks, my father and I, looking at the new group of Athenians.
‘Fresh meat,’ snorts my father. What a jerk. Little big-nosed fat guy who thinks he rules the
world. Well. He does rule this bit of it.
He’s not one of your mob, Lady. He’s not chaste at all. He took my mother, plucked her from
the very Court of the Sun to be his trophy bride, but he has as many as he wants whenever
he wants them on the side.

Anyway.
Down at the docks. I am his heir now since it’s clear I’m going to be the only legitimate
child—so I’m the heir and I’m ...
‘Mistress of the Labyrinth!’ he laughs. Cute joke, Dad. I went right
inside the Labyrinth with Dedalus once when my scary bro was caged. Corridors. Acres of
corridors constructed of rammed mud, but far below the surface of the earth so it’s cold and
dark, except every now and then there’s a shaft of light from a far away opening.
And of course we’ve all been into the Antechamber for the Games.

It doesn’t smell so bad in the Antechamber because there’s sand there to absorb the blood,
and it’s on the surface so it’s open to the sky. But in the corridors you get the stink of bones
and old mounds of rotted flesh and it’s cold and full of shadows. And grief. As if every
Athenian hostage had brought their mother’s tears along with them when they lined up to
dance around my brother—yes—and vault his enormous body and catch each other if only
they can—to drag themselves away for just the one more minute—just the one! —from his
heavy hooves and his horns.

I’ve seen pictures of my brother. They give him a man’s body and a bull’s head. Or a bull’s
body and a man’s head. But the truth is he’s mostly bull. Great thundering body of a great
thundering bull and great curving horns on his bull-shaped head. But a man’s face, see, with
my mother’s dark eyes and hair. And he must have—hidden somewhere inside his bull’s
body—a man’s digestion, because what he needs to eat to live is blood.
So. Theseus.
I saw him on the boat with the other Athenian youths. The sun was sparking off the sea and
it was so smooth and bright you’d have thought my grandfather, the Sun, was glancing
towards us with his optimistic face.
Theseus was in the bow of the boat. The hostages were gathered for the landing. ‘He’s the
king of Athens’ son!’ cried the crowd, marvelling. What a prize for the greedy Cretan king!
That the Athenians had sent the king’s son as one of the hostages to dance in the ring with
the Minotaur.
Theseus looked up. He caught my eye, though I doubt that he knew I was Mistress of the
Labyrinth at that stage. But our eyes did meet. And I did—see—him.
They seemed to me, to all of us down at the docks of Knossos that day, like creatures from
another world, like godlings. Cretans are short, dark, swarthy people and it’s a hard life on
an island. The Athenians are long-limbed, well fed, with generations of ease behind them.
And Theseus?
Lady. Even you might have considered kissing those lips. Even you might have wanted to
touch—that skin—to be held by those arms and to ... breathe him in.
He’d worked out who I was by the time they were brought to shore and when he caught my
eye the next time it was intentional.

I wonder if he’d planned it before they came or if, as he saw me standing there, half-pulled
away from my father, he suddenly saw ... an opening?
I went down to the hostages’ quarters that evening. I’ve never wanted much because I’ve
always been able to have it—except for a real king for
a father and a happy mother. Oh, and not to have the whisper follow each public outing.
‘Pasiphae fucked a bull and gave birth to a monster. Who’d marry Ariadne, plain as she is, to
inherit that?’
I went down to the hostages’ quarters with cakes and wine and Theseus came to the front of
the cage. He took the food from me, then grabbed my hands and kissed them.
‘Lady,’ he said to me as if I were a goddess to whom he was praying for expiation.
‘Don’t call me that,’ I said.
Beat
This tree, Lady? I suppose this is the one.
Beat
Then he kept hold of my hands with his one hand and his other hand snaked through the
bars of his cage to grab my neck, bring my face to the bars, and he kissed me.
‘I will take that kiss to my death,’ he said, ‘Princess.’ And I turned and walked straight way to
find Dedalus.
I’m sure even the gods know of Dedalus. No? He built the box around my mother to seduce
the bull from the sea—the Sea God’s bull that should have been sacrificed to the Sea God
but which my father Minos kept because my father Minos always keeps the best things,
always.
Dedalus built the box for my mother to pretend to be a cow so the bull of the Sea God
could—have—her.
And built a labyrinth for my father to house her child—hers and the bull’s—who she named
‘Asterios’—‘the Star’—but who everyone else calls The Minotaur.

And why would my father do that, do you think, unless for a sort of a game? Game. Shame.
Even rhymes.
So Dedalus is the man, isn’t he, to go to and to say, ‘My father calls me Mistress of the
Labyrinth so I think I should be the one person apart from you, Dedalus, who knows how to
come and go from it.’
Dedalus looks at me with that mocking smile that he uses for everyone. Except my father.
Even Dedalus wouldn’t try it with my father.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ball of red string.
‘Where’s there’s a labyrinth,’ he says, ‘there’ll always be a thread.’ And he watches me with
his bright eyes. And I wonder why this is the first time I have considered what it might be like
to be a slave who is smarter than his masters?
He goes on. ‘You go out the same way you came in. Just follow the thread.’
Cretans must be pretty dumb, of course, that none of us ever thought of that.
I get the sword myself, I can think that far, and I take both it and the thread to Theseus. I
hold them on the other side of the bars.
‘Swear,’ I say, ‘ by Artemis’—by you, Lady, the Goddess of Virgins, no less, this is where you
come into it because at that time I in no way intended to sleep with him—‘swear that when
you have killed my brother and got to the docks, where I’ll have a boat and sailors
ready—swear you will take me with you.’
‘I swear,’ he says. And his beautiful eyes, gold like a fox’s, light up.
So I hand him my trophies and he takes them with him.
When other people tell this tale they’ll talk about the games in the Antechamber and the
Athenians vaulting and my brother’s hooves drumming on the sand. Yes, and the shouting
when from nowhere the king’s son produces a sword and—yes!—drives it into the Minotaur’s
heart when his head is lowered after the pretty girl hostage follows Theseus’ signal to
distract him. Yes.

And the bewilderment as the lovely athletes run into a tunnel on the far side of the
Antechamber and disappear. Yes.
And Dedalus among the crowd, watching amused as my father howls in frustration and my
mother weeps silently. Yes.
But what I’ll tell you—what I’ll confess, now, to you, Lady, the chaste goddess to whom I
swore I’d break the cycle of my family’s lust by not—well. Not.
Out on the boat that danced on the Sea God’s sparkling ocean, the beautiful Theseus took
me into the belly of the ship while the pretty girl hostage raged on the deck, and with my full
consent, Lady, like my mother with the bull and my father with his courtesans, he had me.
But he was never going to take me to Athens, was he?
No.
So I was not surprised to wake this morning from a drugged sleep, alone under this tree on a
rocky island with only my torn clothes and a flask of water and this statue of you, Lady,
beside me.
Oh. And the red thread.
Yes, of course.
It’s really strong, the red thread.
If I loop it over the limb of this tree and tie a good loop it will do for me.
Won’t it? Lady?

END

Title: For god's sake

Character: god

“For God’s Sake !”

—————

[angry] ALL RIGHT! Sit up straight you spindly-backed seraphim! What’s wrong with you!
And listen-up you careless, good-for-nothing cherubim! What the hell do you think you’ve
been doing these last few aeons? Not my bidding, that’s for sure! I shouldn’t have to come
down here myself to tell you how to do your job! I’ve got enough to do myself!

[pause]

You think it’s easy being God? Yes. Little problem for some of you, I can see that. I’m a
WOMAN! Get used to it!

[pause] And you angels, stop being so arch!

[pause] Yes I’m God and I’m PISSED! I’m pissed at the way things are going in the world
today. My world. Okay I’m a realist. I don’t expect perfection. I realise that there will always
be the occasional drive-by shooting, gang rape or blowing up of an AT, machine. That’s only
to be expected. It’s not my chief concern at the moment. My concern is this it has come to
my attention that a series of books have recently been published saying that I DO NOT
EXIST!

[pause] I beg your pardon ! What is going on here? Who the bloody hell do you think they
are! S’cuse my French. Where’s the research? I mean who gave them pens and paper? I
did! Who gave them computers [pause] Yes, well Dick Smith did. [pause] But who gave
them Dick Smith, answer me that!

[pause]

Well since I’ve got you all here, you choirs of the heavenly host, you bright sentinels of the
sky, you mystical jewels of the universe, there’s just one or two things I want to get off my
chest.
[pause, think]

Tits.

[pause]

First up: daytime television. Did I really create heaven and earth and the waters of the
firmament and the celestial stars and planets that orbit the heavens each in their prescribed
time and place - for Oprah and Dr Phil? It’s a question. Did I really create every living
creature that moveth, the great whales of the deep, every fowl of the air and every living
thing that creepeth upon the face of the earth for a recipe for creme brule, an interview with a
jaded pop star and a blond in a leotard showing me how to use a workout machine?

[pause]

That was a week’s hard work that was! Okay, six days. Can’t ignore the Queens birthday
holiday.

[pause]

Come to think of it, who needs a workout machine? I didn’t create bloody workout machines.
Look it up. It doesn’t say, ‘And God Made the fold-away five star home gym unit and behold
it was very good for the abs and the pecs, and the evening and the morning were the sixth
day!” The world I created didn’t need workout machines!

[pause]

And while we’re on the subject , what’s with this reality television? Suddenly, after all this
time, we have reality television. What do these guys know of reality? Constructing the Tower
of Babel, that’s reality! A plague of locusts, building an ark, parting the Red Sea, that’s
reality! Mrs Brenda Entwistle should try blowing her horn and knocking down the walls of
Jericho instead of showing us her creme brule. I don’t know what the worlds coming to.

[pause]

Speaking of television, I like a decent script myself. Nothing beats a really good script with a
strong plot. And I happen to have the best! ‘Adam and Eve!’ Now there’s a plot! It hasn’t
been bettered for hundreds of millennia. Think about it. All we have today are carbon copies.

[pause]

Eve was my masterpiece. Just for once, I went for perfection. I admit Adam was a rather
hurried storyboarding job, but Eve...She was beautiful! The psalmist got it right. ‘Behold their
art fair, my love. Behold thou art fair. Thou hast doves eyes, and thy hair it as a flock of goats
that appear from Mount Gilead. Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy two breasts are
like two young rows that are twins, which feed among the lilies.’

[pause]
I based her on myself actually. [shows leg coyly]
But what have we got now! See for yourselves. Check out any newsagent or gas station.
Eve had been turned into a blow-up doll! Breasts so large they need faith, hope and
hydraulic suspension to keep them above seal level. I tell you, stay away from those
bazookas! You may never get out there alive. On the front cover of Ralph this month there is
a photo of a girl with breasts big enough to launch the Queen Mary. She called herself a
‘secretary’. God knows, she could lose an entire filing system in there and never find it again.

[pause] So I’m pissed!

[pause]

Okay, I know what you’re thinking: when is she going to mention the violence? Fair enough,
let’s talk about violence. I admit it. There’s no doubt about it, my world is a violent place.
There’s a constant acts of cruelty, brutiness, barbarity and savagery, And that’s just on the
football field! People are based, there are regular nightclub incidents, and students walking
home late at night get their laptops stolen. It’s not good enough.

[pause]

Of course there’s always violence. Saul and David were bad pennies. Then there was that
meatmead Samson who went around killing people with the jawbone of an ass [pause]. Not
much call for ass’s jawbones these days. Now it’s all colts and Uzis and home-made bombs.
Not the same thing at all. However, let me remind you that it was Samson who pulled down a
whole building on top of himself with his bare hands. Killed thousands! I defy any suicide
bomb to top that.

[pause]

So no wonder I’m pissed! My beautiful handiwork is being ruined. And I asked you, cherubim
and seraphim, in the nicest possible way, to look after things, to take care of my world for
me. Yet what do I find? Here you are, lounging around, bashing away on your harps
composing the celestial music of the spheres, and exploring the infinite pathways to the
treasury of everlasting truth...while all the time the beautiful work, I created, my world is
going to pot.

[pause]
You can cut out the pot as well.

[pause]

It’s the same wherever you look: people taking drugs into Bali in their boogie bags, cyber
crime whatever that means, young girls getting picked up by businessmen in Mercedes.
Then there’s people streaking each other’s identities for goodness sake, gang murders,
raping, pillaging... politicians claiming illegal expenses... The list goes on into eternity. And
do you know what happens when people run into trouble today? Do you know their solution
for everything? Panadol, that’s what! ‘Take two tablets ,’ says the doctor. ‘And you’ll be right.’
Two tablets! What’s that gonna do? It’s pitiful.
Why I can write the whole Ten Commandments on two tablets.

[pause]

Okay Gabriel, Rafe, Mick, you host of heaven; choirs invisible; celestial hierarchy of virtues,
principalities and Powers; angelic host and ministering spirits...GET MINISTERING!

[God raises her hand in a dramatic gesture. The music crashes and soars, thunder and
lightning swirl around the empyrean throne of god, until we have suddenly... Blackout]
Title: Just for once
From: Nerdy Prudes Must Die
Context: As a helper of the Hatchetfield high production of ‘The BBQ Monologues’, Nerdy
little Ruth wonders what life would be like if she was on the stage just for once.
Song time: 5:30 (not including start monologue)
Run time: whole monologue is about 7 and a bit minutes long.

Character: Ruth

JUST FOR ONCE

‘Nerdy Prudes Must Die’

Ruth begins up in the lighting box, grumbling.

Ruth: It’s not my fault I missed a Lighting cue… someone said the cue line wrong! It’s
supposed to be ‘I want to remember who I used to be, Trevor! I I lose my spot when they
don’t stick to the script. (Huff)

Ruth enters, coming towards the state from up at the booth box grumbling, looking at the
lighting. Ruth: Of course, it’s always me who has to fix the stupid lights…

Ruth: (sighs) I guess! God...gotta do everything around here!

She spends a moment looking at the lighting then pauses, having a moment of realisation
and awe.

Woah...so this is what it’s like, huh? To be in the spotlight instead of a booth.

Betcha I could do it! Betcha I could! At least as good as Katelyn! If it wasn’t for my anxiety,
and my greasy skin, and my rainforest pits! In my dreams... It's my barbecue!

Oh yeah!

She fake gets into character by spinning around [ a ‘magical’ sound effect plays]

Imitating the people in the BBQ monologues: Here’s the thing about a barbecue. It brings
folks together from all walks of life. There’s a story behind every patty. Every kabob. I hope
these stories tonight are a lot like these patties here. Well done. You hear that? That’s the
sound of love.

Family.

Passion.

Betrayal.

I just wanna make him happy.

I just want my neighbour to finally notice me.

I wanna remember who I am!

This is the story of my barbecue.

My barbecue.

My barbecue. She poses.

She fake bows and claps her hands together in amazement.

Ruth: Thankyou Thankyou!!

(Pause) Oh who am I kidding, I’d make my own character…. Yeah yeah I would.

Dramatic sound effect plays again as she turns around and changes stances.

Ruth: No, I haven’t seen your grill brush, Maury! Ah yes, I used it to brush my hair this
morning, can’t you tell?

She begins to act things out, playing around the stage.

Oh, don’t leave me with the meat, Maury.

Medium wha-? How can something be medium and well, Maury. (Pause) Ugh, Maury.

She sits down on a drama block

I turned 40 today. (pouring an invisible drink) To me!

(SONG ‘JUST FOR ONCE’: RUTH’S BARBECUE MONOLOGUE)

Ruth: Saturday we installed a new bay window

And it was something right out of a dream I never had Saturday belongs to soccer practise

I pack their little cakes for after the games they never win And life is full of the trappings, of
the well-to-do

And life goes on as I shop for shutters to obstruct the view And life is fine if only it were mine

But just for once, I’d be the centre of attention

Just for once, remember what a life can be

Just for once, I’d feel the light inside the burning of a candle Living just for once, living just
for...

Thirty nine, I lose my hair under careful chemo treatment.

And I was not unhappy about the attention I ensnared

Judge me

It fucking worked, I’m fucking here, he’s fucking her, I’m disappointed There’s still carpet in
the bathroom

And of the two, who’s the worse for wear Me.

We love our dogs, especially Captain

He’s a bullshit mix

The pool is out, the neighbours come rushing Maury prefers their kids

And the world’s a stage when you’re middle of age

But just for once my life could be just I wanted

Just for once I feel the spark that I once knew

Just for once I feel the fight inside, the burning of a candle Something more than I can
handle

Just for once

Should I flip the burgers now

Should I double check it’s well-done on the outside, not within

Oh!
Should I let the coals burn out

Should I let the years cook my body down in front of him Oh! Just for once!

Just for once!

Just for once!

The other day the Johnsons borrowed my tap shoes Their eldest daughter is beginning tap
It was no bother, I never ever used them

I used to dance.

I used to dance.

SONG END

As the song ends Ruth continues to fake rummage around until she finds a ‘grill brush’.

Ruth: (spoken) I found your grill brush, Maury. It was right here, all along.