The Secrets of Romantic Love

by Joanie V Connors, Ph.D.

Romantic love can often be difficult and confusing, and if it goes bad, it can become a long and
painful nightmare. The experience of love is so complex that it still perplexes the experts. How to
manage a love relationship is something you can study in many books and struggle to find the
answers for years, and still end up in a mess.
One complication is that the power of love is idealized and distorted by numerous social myths,
fairytales and media portrayals. Many of us are conditioned to think that love has a magical ability
to transform all human frailties, only to discover that it often crumbles when we are faced with
life’s harsh realities. Yet, love has incredible powers to heal, unite and redeem people when it is
not sabotaged by unrealistic expectations, overwhelming obstacles or incompatible values.
Relationship research folks have learned a few things that can help you make better choices and
create love relationships that will last. The first section of this article concerns new or impending
relationships with the aim of providing guidance before making a commitment. Hasty romantic
involvements are often the source of huge unnecessary dramas and emotional devastation, so it is
hoped the information provided may slow some of you down and prevent some of that. The rest
of this article applies to relationships at any stage, and hopes to help you clarify the difference
between love and the rest of what happens between people.
The First Secret of Romantic Love
The first secret is that what most people think of as romantic love is actually sexual attraction. The
references to love in most songs, movies and television (“I can’t live without you, have to be near
you…”) are really about the powerful psychophysical effects of sexual attraction, otherwise known
as lust.
Mother Nature has built a great deal of chemical manipulation into the attraction process. People
who are sexually attracted to each other are flooded with powerful hormones, including
endorphins more powerful than heroin, and adrenaline which allows you to feel energized, giddy
and need less sleep. These chemicals dominate our bodies and minds during most of what is
known as the honeymoon period or “crush time”.
These hormones have the effect of making you feel so good when you are around your intended
mate that you tend to idealize them. You are likely to believe they are wonderful, a perfect match
for you, and become fascinated with their quirks and habits. If you see any of their annoying flaws,
you either think they are unimportant or are charming (“I adore that cute little whiny voice they
use when they’re mad!”).
This hormonal euphoria does not last long, and most people return to normal within a few months
(or up to 2 years). Sometimes this dreamy romantic high ends suddenly, jolting us back to reality,
or it may wane slowly. The slower end is easier, because it gives us time to adjust to the reality of
your partner and maintain your commitment. If we are suddenly confronted with the big picture
of who your partner is, ‘warts and all’, then we might feel we are over your head and need a self-
preserving way to exit quickly.
Tricks for Seeing Through the Fog of Attraction
If you don’t want to wait and need to figure out if a person of interest is really someone you might
be happy with over time, there are a few techniques that will help. The following list should help
you see beyond crush time to relationship reality, if you work on it seriously. I recommend writing
the results down as you collect this information, so that you can contemplate your results together
and see the big picture.
1. Take a good look at your intended’s living quarters. Does it feel comfortable there? Is it about
as clean as your place? Pay attention to your internal reactions and think about how what you see
affects future compatibility. For example, messy people should not mate with control freaks, or life
together will be a constant struggle.
2. Ask him/her about their relationship with their parents. Anyone who confides that they are
stuck in intense drama cycles with their parents (living or dead), needs a friend, not a lover, and
should be referred to someone professional or a self-help group. Be especially wary if they blame
their parents or anyone else for all their unhappiness, or if intense feelings have lasted for a long
time.
3. Ask him/her about previous love relationships. How many were there? How long did they last?
Why did they end? Be suspicious of anyone who tells you that a series of people have “done them
wrong”, or who sees themselves as a long-term victim. People who are stuck in those patterns
have a hard time not making new relationships fit into them again.
4. Watch how they treat others, especially service people (restaurant staff, store clerks,
secretaries). If they treat anyone rudely or dismissively, figure they will eventually treat you that
way also.
5. Pay attention to how well they take care of themselves. Do they treat their body with respect
or do they abuse themselves in the way they eat, party, exercise and take care of their daily
needs? Caring for someone who is throwing their life down the toilet is likely to be extremely
draining and traumatic.
6. Think about how you talk to each other. Do you both talk equally, or is your partner dominating
the conversation consistently (bad sign)? Can you disagree with them comfortably? Do they seem
interested in what you have to say? Are you interested in what they have to say?
7. Look at how they manage their money. Do they earn a regular income that supports their
needs? Do they max out their credit cards and have unpaid bills? Does someone else always bail
them out? That could become you.
8. Ask one of your friends what they think of this person as a potential mate for you.
Psychological studies have found that roommates and friends do a much better job of seeing who
would be a good potential partner for you than either you or your parents can. They are less likely
to be blinded by expectations or biases.
Respect
These eight strategies are all aimed at revealing traits associated with respect, both self-respect
and respect of others. To love another over time, people must have self-respect, as a constantly
self-damaging person will harm those in their circle of influence. To love another also requires
practice and skill in respecting others, because utmost respect is an absolute necessity for love.
If a potential lover shows a tendency towards disrespect to others in their interactions, please be
extremely cautious! Disrespect by itself it can leave lasting hurt and resentment, or it can be the
first part of an abuse process. A partner who practices disrespect and abuse to others can easily
turn it on you!
Even when it’s not aimed at you, the destructive power of disrespect has a way of boomeranging
its sting back to the person who was disrespectful, so your connection to them can become a
liability. Your very presence can signify agreement to their abusive words or actions, so you get
tainted with the same ugly feelings.
Same Level Best
Look for your love interest to be someone who is at the same level in important areas as you are,
or close, but not extremely worse or better. Any relationship between people at extremes tends to
pull towards the middle, which is fine if it’s something unimportant (interests or habits), but
deadly if it involves self-destructive thinking or behavior. The best way not to lose ground in your
stability or important goals is to find someone on equal ground (more or less) in those areas.
Remember that your life partner will have tremendous impact on the quality and direction of your
life in countless ways. People often become healthier by living with someone who is healthy or
sicker by living with someone with serious problems.
Watch out for the urge to rescue people with messy and/or unhappy lives, You cannot fix anyone
else’s life for them and dependency is not healthy for relationships. Even parents can’t bail out
their children all the time or past a certain age if they want them to be healthy. You can give a
partner your life energy in a way that is guaranteed to deplete you and seldom really helps them in
the long-run. It’s better to help unhappy people to find a good therapist or AA group.
The Second Secret of Romantic Love
The second secret is that romance is different from love. Romance is an attitude of sweet
consideration that is conveyed through courtship activities (dates, dancing, long conversations)
and gestures (hand-holding, giving gifts, feeding) and it adds physical affection, positive energy,
fun, intrigue and pleasure to the work of love, but it is not love. The sweetness of this partner-
focused loving energy entices you to make a commitment so then you can do the real work of
living together and supporting each other.
That doesn’t mean that romance is not important. Although there are many married couples and
other life partners who have dispensed with romance, who function as roommates and joint
caretakers of houses and children, many such relationships become dry and lack energy. Love can
be hard to maintain without the caresses and caring gestures of romance.
Romance is not a given in relationships, so if we want our relationships to have the magic of
romance, we have to make it a priority and make time for it. Happy couples generally set aside
regular ‘couple time’ (such as dinner out and a movie) at least once a week. Some also say that
‘couple time’ must provide the opportunity for intimate talk about ‘us’ and not be filled with other
people or television.
Most couples who remain happy over the years report that they still have strong romantic feelings
about their spouse, though this moves through highs and lows. Romantic love requires you to fight
against complacency – the belief that you know your partner thoroughly and they will always be
there for us. Resisting complacency comes from working to look at your partners from new
perspectives so you can rediscover their ways of thinking and characteristics. This helps you to see
the positive in them and find new things to appreciate.
The Third Secret of Romantic Love
The third secret is that love requires constant work to be sustained through the highs and lows of
life together. Relationships are constantly changing, demanding and confusing, so love can easily
be lost or overshadowed by other concerns. Maintaining intimacy and caring becomes extremely
difficult when we are thrown into the enormous and chaotic messes of life or when we have to
bear each other’s dark sides.
Relationships also demand adjusting to constant inner and outer changes in the people we love, as
well as changes in the issues and needs that shape your life together. It’s imperative to check in
with each other regularly through deep, sensitive conversations with an attitude of openness, and
then be patient until they understand our side. Sustaining love requires us to not let our walls
grow to block our partners out, and to constantly rebuild doors and windows between us. The key
ingredient is to keep turning towards each other instead of turning away.
Life together also requires coping with endless mundane tasks (e.g., caring for a house, paying
bills…) as well as numerous challenges that range from nagging to massive (health crises, financial
setbacks, crime…). Meeting those challenges is difficult enough, but meeting them with caring,
kindness, respect and cooperative effort means you have to consider and compromise with
another set of needs, resources and limitations in every decision and effort. Every challenge takes
courage but overcoming them deepens our bonds and yields great pleasure.
Other relationship maintenance tasks include providing emotional support, listening (with due
attention) to each other, sharing activities and compromising. Most important is that love
requires constant work to stay on each others’ sides and to not work against each other. You both
have to develop a sense of “we-ness” and prioritize the needs of the relationship so that love gets
the energy and attention it needs to stay alive.
The Fourth Secret of Love
The fourth secret is that to endure, love usually needs to be fed by some deeper dimension. For
many couples, this usually involves common religious and/or spiritual practices, and these are the
ones most commonly found in successful marriages by researchers. For other couples, the deeper
dimension that helps sustain their love can come from strongly held common values, such as
compassionate work, love of nature, love of the arts (visual, music, dramatic, literature) and/or
love of knowledge.
When values or spiritual beliefs are strong, they shape our daily lives, so for couples this gives
them opportunities to work together and/or share the joy, discoveries and struggles that come
from the pursuit of those values. The shared meaning of that work helps couples to sustain their
bond in the face of the hundreds of mundane and profound troubles that life brings.
The Fifth Secret of Romantic Love
The fifth secret is that love for others needs to be in balance with love for oneself. Whether you
love one person or a hundred, your heart’s ability to love depends on taking care of your own
needs so that you maintain your physical and mental health. Even when you are well-matched,
you need to be healthy to have the strength to cope with the bad times and to stand up for the
greater good when it’s not the easy thing to do.
This is why you need to think self-protectively when looking for love and avoid people who are too
troubled for you to handle. People who are self-destructive inevitably pull the people who care for
them into their hurts, even when they try to avoid it. You have to be wary of unhealthy interaction
patterns that promise to be harmful to you (negativity, alcohol abuse, physical violence…).
On the other hand, it does not work to constantly weigh what others do for you before showing
that you care. Love is an endlessly moving gift that is given and received in many cycles and layers.
The more you give the gift of love to others, the better are your chances of receiving love. When
you act with care and concern for how you affect others, whether they are lovers, friends or
people in your community, then you will have more rewards and fewer regrets waiting for you.
A Note to New Lovers
If you’ve contemplated and explored these secrets and still believe that your feelings for someone
are the real thing, it is still important to wait before making a serious commitment. Long-term
commitment is an extremely important decision for most of us that will involve immense amounts
of work, resources, and endurance. Please give yourself time to experience the many facets and
layers of each other before you get legally entangled.
It is recommended that you wait at least 2 years before you make any irreversible decisions –
that’s usually enough to allow you both to get past the honeymoon stage. Do not mix finances,
checkbooks, bank accounts, and credit card accounts until after you’ve been together long enough
to see some of the tremendous complexities of your future life together clearly.
Also, it’s best not to buy a house together and/or get married without a bail-out plan. Who will
buy who out for how much and under what conditions? Get a lawyer or a legal mediator to make a
contract if a great deal of money is involved.
Love & Friends
Being choosy about who you pick for a life partner does not mean that you should ignore everyone
who doesn’t make the cut. Life can be much more enjoyable if you can make friends with many
people in your life, especially the quirky ones. People who are different than you may require
more work to be with, but befriending them provides many rewards, both in terms of
strengthening your capacity to connect and the greater variety of knowledge and experiences you
receive by knowing them.
Friendships allow you to stretch your ability to love by practicing relationship skills in a less intense
atmosphere. Communication, honesty, compromise, sharing and tolerance all require practice to
use with skill and caring. There are just as many difficulties to overcome in friendships, but they
don’t have legal rights over you or power over your resources such as with marriage.
It is much more important to have love in your life than to have romance. The love of friends (and
family) exerts a powerful healing force in our lives and also contributes to healthier marriages,
whether present or future. There are plenty of healthy people out there who have many friends
but little or no romance, while emotionally isolated people report higher levels of both physical
and psychological problems.
Love is an immensely powerful bond that can heal the world, but it is sometimes hard to find in
our complex and stressful lives. The keys to long-term love seem to include making an informed
decision, working to stay connected with kindness and deeper values, and staying balanced
together. Ultimate patience is also a frequent necessity to sort out the important issues from the
petty ones, and to see the difference between short-term issues and relationship killers.

The original version of this article was printed in Desert Exposure in February, 2006.