Lopez, Matthew - The Legend of Georgia McBride

THE LEGEND
OF
GEORGIA McBRIDE
by
Matthew Lopez
THE$LEGEND$OF$GEORGIA$McBRIDE$
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CHARACTERS$
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CASEY$
20’s,&white&
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JO$
20’s,&African2American$
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MISS$TRACY$MILLS$$
40’s/50’s,&any&ethnicity&
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REXY$/$JASON$$
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EDDIE$$
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The$play$takes$place$in$the$present$in$Panama$City,$FL.$
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THE$LEGEND$OF$GEORGIA$McBRIDE$must$be$performed$without$an$intermission.$
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PRE-SHOW
A microphone on a stand dead center. A middle aged

man in blue jeans, a flannel shirt and a green John
Deere baseball cap enters. His name is EDDIE. He
taps the mic, there’s feedback for a second. He then
addresses us. He’s a terrible Emcee.
EDDIE
Okay, so, ah...welcome to Cleo’s on Panama City Beach, Florida. We’re gonna do a show
for you tonight. It’s Elvis, so...you know...
If you stay ‘til the end, drinks are half off. For ten minutes or so. Oh, and in case of an
emergency, just close out your bar tabs and find the nearest exit. Okay, here we go.
MUSIC: Elvis Presley singing “Hard Headed

Woman.” Lights rise on CASEY, mid-20’s, white,
dressed like Elvis in a classic white jumpsuit, lip
synching to the song. He looks fantastic! And he has
the Elvis moves down cold. This guy has real talent,
that should instantly be clear. We transition to:
SCENE 1: CASEY AND JO’S APARTMENT
Casey is now in his regular clothes, carrying his

jumpsuit in a garment bag. He barges into the
apartment, riding a post-performance high.
CASEY
Hey Jo, you home? I had a great show tonight. I was on fire!
He opens the fridge, grabs a beer.
CASEY
Hey baby, I thought we had a whole Papa John’s pizza left over. You know where it is?
A slice of pizza comes flying at Casey from offstage.
CASEY
Jo? What the hell, baby?
JO, his wife, storms out. She is in her mid-20’s,

African-American. She is carrying a Papa John’s
pizza box.
THE LEGEND OF GEORGIA McBRIDE 4/14/17 2.
JO
You want pizza, Casey?
CASEY
Well yeah, but--
She throws the box at him.
JO
Help yourself!
CASEY
Wait, are we having a fight?
JO
Yes, we’re having a fight!
CASEY
Why?
JO
Because we bounced the rent check again.
CASEY
Oh shit! How?
JO
Casey, when you bought this pizza Wednesday night, how did you pay for it?
CASEY
Well...funny story...
JO
Did you pay cash or did you use your debit card?
CASEY
Well, I was a little low on cash the other day...
JO
And...?
CASEY
And I was really hungry.
JO
And so...?
CASEY
And so, you know, it’s possible that I, uh...
JO
That you...
CASEY
That I may have used the debit card.
JO
Welcome to the fight.
I have told you and told you that you can’t use your debit card // until the rent check clears.
CASEY
I know. I’m sorry, baby.
JO
Sherry came over tonight and took my head off. She says not only do we owe them rent,
we gotta pay the thirty bucks that their bank charged them for depositing a bad check.
CASEY
You want me to go talk to Jason?
JO
No, baby, I want you to pay attention to our finances. We got rent, groceries // power bill.
CASEY
Right.
JO
You drive eighty miles round trip to get to work every night. You’re paying more in gas
than you’re making in tips.
CASEY
Not for long, baby! // I really think I--
JO
And now on top of all that, we’ve gone and bounced the rent check again. If you add up all
the fees and penalties, that twelve-dollar pizza is gonna cost us ninety dollars, Casey.
CASEY
Ninety dollars?
JO
Ninety. Dollars.
Casey picks up a pizza slice.
CASEY
That makes this the most expensive thing we own.
JO
Don’t.
CASEY
What?
JO
Be charming.
CASEY
I can’t help it, baby. You know that.
JO
Casey please, I’m trying to have an adult conversation with you.
CASEY
And I am trying to get you to smile.
She heads back to the bedroom.
JO
Here I try and be all responsible by opening up a real honest-to-God checking account with
debit cards and checks with pictures of seagulls on ‘em and you gotta go and bounce the
rent check two months in a row.
CASEY
I’ll make up the money, I promise.
JO (OFF)
How?
CASEY
I’ll ask Jason if he’s got any more roofing work for me.
JO (OFF)
You can’t ask your landlord to give you a job to help you pay the rent, Casey.
CASEY
Well then I’ll add some weeknight shows at Cleo’s.
JO (OFF)
Baby, people don’t even go there on the weekends.
CASEY
They will when word gets out about my new jumpsuit.
He unzips the garment bag and pulls put the

jumpsuit. Jo re-enters just in time for him to unfurl it.
CASEY
Pretty nice, huh?
JO
We can’t pay the rent and you bought A NEW JUMPSUIT!?!?
CASEY
It’s an investment!
Jo goes back into the bedroom. Casey puts on the

jumpsuit.
CASEY
Once the tourists come back and I have my act down cold, we’re gonna be rolling in
dough. I’m really starting to figure out how to make this work. The right outfit, the right
songs, and hopefully more than just seven people in the audience and soon enough they’ll
be driving from all over the Panhandle to see the show and we won’t have to worry about a
thing.
Casey’s now in the jumpsuit. Jo re-enters,

completely rattled by whatever just happened
offstage.
CASEY
What do you think?
JO
Casey, I--
CASEY
Pretty amazin’, huh?
JO
Casey--
CASEY
I know I was speechless, too.
JO
Casey, I’m pregnant.
CASEY
What?
JO
I’m pregnant.
CASEY
Since when?
JO
Since right now.
Jo shows him the pregnancy test in her hands.
CASEY
We’re gonna have a baby?
JO
Looks that way.
CASEY
We’re gonna have a baby?
JO
If this thing is right.
CASEY
WE’RE GONNA HAVE A BABY!!!
JO
How are we gonna pay for a baby?
CASEY
With love, that’s how. We’re just gonna love the shit outta him.
JO
We need diapers and shoes and clothes and formula. // You can’t buy those with love.
CASEY
We’ll figure it out!
JO
Casey, we are not ready to have a baby.
CASEY
If we’re ready to make one, we’re ready to have one.
JO
Any 14 year old girl will tell you that is not true.
CASEY
Look at my face. Do I look worried?
JO
You’re never worried.
CASEY
And why do you think that is?
JO
Because you don’t see all the potential for disaster that I do.
CASEY
No, it’s because that I know everything will eventually be okay. We’re gonna be fine, Jo.
We’re gonna be a family! Our baby is going to be the happiest, most loved little kid who
was ever lucky enough to be born. And we are gonna be the best parents since Joseph and
Mary.
He kisses her.
JO
Yeah, but then their kid died.
He kisses her again.

JO
Casey, I--
(more kissing)
We should talk about--
(and some more)
This is a terrible school district--
They attack each other pawing at one another.
JO
I love you, Casey.
CASEY
I love you, Jo.
They are locked in tremendous passion as he carries

her off to the bedroom.
SCENE 2: BACKSTAGE AT CLEO’S
Casey is in his filthy dressing room, practicing an

Elvis number in his new jumpsuit, music coming
from an old boom box. We catch the very tail end of
it.
EDDIE enters from the parking lot. He’s the owner

of the bar and he’s in a foul mood. He keeps his dark
sunglasses on throughout the scene.
CASEY
Hey Eddie, you got a minute?
EDDIE
Not now, Casey, I got a migraine startin’ // and I gotta lay down.
CASEY
I was hoping I could talk to you // about some ideas I have for--
EDDIE
Casey, seriously, my head’s about to explode.
CASEY
I just wanted to talk about--
EDDIE
Have you ever had a migraine, Casey?
CASEY
I don’t think so.
EDDIE
It’s like giving birth out your eye socket. Can you imagine pushing an eight pound baby
out your eye socket?
CASEY
No, but speaking of babies, Jo and I // just found out--
EDDIE
I gotta go lay down in my office. We’ll talk before your show tonight.
CASEY
Yeah, okay.
Eddie charges off into the bar. Casey checks himself

in the mirror, does one last Elvis move, then heads
off to the bathroom.
From offstage...
TRACY (OFF)
Pick up the pace, Rexy, we’re here!
The parking lot door opens to reveal MISS TRACY

MILLS, an elegant drag queen, holding a set of
fancy luggage. A smile as wide as the Grand Canyon
across her face. Then she takes a few steps into the
dressing room and sees the state it’s in. The smile
remains but there’s a lot more effort to keep it up.
TRACY
Okay. Right. I can make a silk purse outta this.
REXY enters behind her, huffing and puffing as she

drags her enormous suitcase behind her. She is not
an elegant drag queen.
REXY
Oh my God...I cannot carry...this bag...any further.
Rexy takes a long, horrified look at the dressing

room and turns right back out the door.
REXY
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
TRACY
Rexy, get back here!
REXY
Miss Tracy Mills, what is this hellscape I see before me?
TRACY
It’s our new home!
REXY
Do not tell me that we raced throughout the night to get to this shithole.
TRACY
Oh come on now, // Rexy...
REXY
Don’t you “come on Rexy” me, Tracy. Is this how far down the scale we have slid?
TRACY
It’s not that bad.
REXY
Bitch, Anne Frank wouldda said “hell nah” to this place. Couldn’t we try Atlanta again?
TRACY
Girl, the Civil War was child’s play compared to the bridges you left burning up there.
REXY
Well then Miami.
TRACY
And how do you plan on driving there, Miss Daisy? That car is being held together with
duct tape and optimism. We coasted into the parking lot on fumes. Instead of complaining,
why don’t we thank our lucky stars that my cousin is givin’ us this opportunity and let’s
get to making something of it? Finally a chance to build something from the ground up.
Now isn’t that worth just a little bit of discomfort while we find our path to happiness?
Okay, you get to unpacking. I’ll start tidying. All it needs is a coat of paint and a roach
bomb. Maybe some curtains. Yes, this’ll do nicely.
Rexy rummages through Casey’s jumpsuits hanging

on the rack.
REXY
What’s all this shit?
TRACY
Eddie said he had an Elvis impersonator he was getting rid of.
REXY
Elvis? Girl, I hope you packed the bleach wipes.
Casey re-enters, still in his jumpsuit.
CASEY
Hey! What are you doing?
Rexy and Tracy take in the sight before them.
REXY
Girl, I do not think Elvis has left the building.
CASEY
Who the hell are you?
TRACY
How do you do, hon? I’m Miss Tracy Mills and this here’s Miss Anorexia Nervosa.
REXY
It’s Italian.
TRACY
You just come by for the rest of your stuff? // Come on, Rexy. Let’s give him some space.
CASEY
Rest of my stuff? What are you talking about?
REXY
Tracy, girl, I do not think he knows.
TRACY CASEY
I was just having the same thought. Knows what? What is going on here?
EDDIE (OFF)
Casey, goddamnit, keep that racket down!
TRACY
(to Rexy)
That’s Eddie!
Eddie enters. Tracy rushes to him, throwing her arms

around him.
TRACY
Eddie! Gimme some sugar, darlin’, how long has it been?
EDDIE
Lady, do I know you?
TRACY
Oh Eddie, don’t tease me now.
EDDIE
Listen darlin’, I’m sure we had fun, but I’m sterile. The kid ain’t mine.
TRACY
Eddie, it’s me, you great big goose! Your cousin (whispers) Bobby.
Eddie removes his sunglasses and takes Tracy in.
EDDIE
Bobby?
TRACY
Yes, but I told you over the phone, darlin’, it’s Tracy when I’m at work. Miss Tracy Mills.
Well here we are, as promised: two drag queens, special delivery.
Eddie stares in disbelief.
EDDIE
Well shit.
TRACY
We’ve barely had a moment to shake the dust off our heels but I wanna talk about when //
you think we could start redecorating and gettin’ the show up and running.
CASEY
Eddie, what the hell’s going on here?
EDDIE
Look, Casey. I was fixin’ to tell you after your show tonight.
CASEY
Tell me what?
EDDIE
I, ah...well, I’m making some changes ‘round here.
CASEY
What kind of changes?
EDDIE
My cousin Bobby here--
TRACY
Tracy, darlin, when I’m at work...
EDDIE
He, ah...
TRACY
She.
EDDIE
I said I’d let him...er, um, I’d let her and her friend here...
Eddie stares for a moment at Rexy.
REXY
Enchanté.
EDDIE
I said I’d let them do their act here at Cleo’s. So, um, we’re gonna try that for a while.
CASEY
What about my act?
EDDIE
We’re not gonna be doing that no more.
CASEY
But I just bought a new jumpsuit. And the opening number really landed last night.
EDDIE
For seven people.
CASEY
Please gimme more time, Eddie. I was just starting to make things work.
EDDIE
Listen Casey, you’re a great Elvis. I could watch you every night. But most nights, I am the
only one watching you. I got a business to run and I’m trying not to run it into the ground.
CASEY
Please gimme some time. Jo and I just found out we’re expecting.
TRACY
Oh! Congratulations, honey! That’s wonderful.
I’m sorry baby, tell me your name again.
CASEY
Casey.
TRACY
I’m real sorry you can’t do your act anymore, Casey. I’m a performer, too. I get it, sugar, I
surely do. But there is still an important role for you to play in our endeavor. Why don’t
you stay on a help us out? We’re still gonna need a bartender. Every good bar needs a good-
looking, // personable, young--
REXY
Muscular, hung, versatile--
TRACY
Shut up, Rexy.
What do you say, sugar? We are going to turn this bar into a primo destination, you’ll see.
We’ll all be making money soon.
Tracy turns to Eddie before Casey can answer.
TRACY
Oh Eddie, isn’t this exciting??? Like a small family business. // Mamma always said--
EDDIE
Family’s only gonna get you so far, you understand me? This is my business, not our
business. You make me money, we got no problems. If you don’t, there’s the door. Are we
clear?
TRACY
Cristal. I won’t let you down.
EDDIE
Now I don’t wanna hear a peep outta this dressing room until after my nap.
Eddie starts to exit.
CASEY REXY
But Eddie, can’t we talk about maybe I wanna see the stage. And the bar. You
sharing the space or something? know drag queens drink free, right?
Eddie and Rexy exit. Awkward moment between

Tracy and Casey.
TRACY
You know, when Eddie said he had an Elvis impersonator...well, I was thinking more
Graceland than Ed Sullivan. I bet you’re really good.
CASEY
I am.
TRACY
I do hope you’ll stay on, regardless. I bet we’ll all get along just fine.
Casey comes home, sinks down on the sofa. A

moment, then he reaches for his guitar, which rests
nearby. He strums, perhaps even noodling around
with a song. He stops himself. His disappointment
is palpable.
A VOICE offstage:
VOICE
Casey!
JASON, played by the actor playing Rexy, enters.
JASON
Casey! What’s up, my man?
CASEY
Hey Jason, how’s it going?
JASON
This a bad time?
CASEY
Nah, man. I was just noodlin’.
JASON
It’s been a while since I heard you play that thing. Go on and play me one of your songs.
CASEY
Not tonight, man. I don’t really feel up to it.
Casey puts the guitar away.
JASON
How ‘bout a flick, then? I bought a six-pack and the new Steven Segal movie. Blood
Justice 6: Rampage of the Innocent.
CASEY
Jo’s gonna be home soon. I probably shouldn’t // start a movie.
JASON
Well you can sure as shit start a beer.
Jason opens two beers, hands one to Casey.
JASON
Man, it’s been great having you guys living here.
CASEY
Yeah. It’s fun being close by.
JASON
Yeah.
It’s like when we were kids and we used to bike to each other’s houses.
CASEY
Only now I’m just across the driveway.
JASON
Right? I mean, if there were other tenants living here, we might could get more money out
of them but it wouldn’t be as fun.
Beer good?
CASEY
Yeah, man. It’s good.
JASON
You hungry? We got some pizza over at the house.
CASEY
Nah, man I’m good.
JASON
You sure? Because I know how much you like pizza.
CASEY
What’s not to like?
JASON
Especially that Papa John’s...
CASEY
(lightbulb)
Yeah. Right. About that...
JASON
You don’t gotta explain it to me, brother. Papa John’s is some good shit. Problem is it’s not
the first time you’ve been late with the rent.
CASEY
Yeah, I know.
JASON
And if you’re late with the rent, I’m late with my mortgage payment. You see how that
works?
CASEY
Yeah, I understand.
JASON
Cool man.
A beat, then:
JASON
So, maybe you can gimme the money now?
CASEY
Thing is I don’t have any money right now.
JASON
Yeah. Yeah, I get that.
Another beat.
JASON
The thing is, see...if you can’t pay the rent, Sherry’s well...we’re gonna have to get new
tenants in here.
CASEY
Jason, come on man, please.
JASON
I am not the rule-maker here. Sherry’s in charge, you know that.
CASEY
Can’t you talk to her about it?
JASON
Not if I wanna see tomorrow.
CASEY
Maybe I could do some roofing work for you, help you pay off the debt.
JASON
If I had the work, I’d give it to you. Hell, if it were up to me, you guys would live here for
free. But it ain’t up to me. It’s up to Sherry. And my bank. And Gulf Power. And the
water company. Plus my kids.
CASEY
Oh! So...guess what? Jo and I are having a baby.
JASON
Wait, are you serious?
CASEY
Yeah, we just found out.
JASON
Oh wow. Holy shit, Casey, that’s amazing!
CASEY
Thanks. We’re both excited.
JASON
You should be, man. Kids are awesome. I love both of mine.
CASEY
You got three kids, Jason.
JASON
Yeah, I know.
We’re gonna celebrate. This weekend. Understand? We’re gonna fire up the grill. We’re
gonna get some steaks from Wynn Dixie. Gonna do it up right!
CASEY
Yeah, baby! Okay.
JASON
But first you gotta pay us the rent.
Jo enters.
JASON
Hey Jo!
JO
Jason, hey. Listen, about the rent--
JASON
Casey just told me the good news. // Congratulations!
JO
He did, did he?
JASON
You two are gonna have some beautiful babies. Not like mine and Sherry’s. They kept
telling me the more I love them the cuter they’ll get but that has not happened yet. You two,
though...holy shit, you’re just gonna spring forth some beauty into the world.
JO CASEY
Thank you, Jason. Hey, if it’s a boy, we’re gonna name it after
you.
JO
We’re still figuring all that out.
JASON
Hey, I’d better git. Ya’ll are gonna be kick-ass parents. Night, Jo. Congratulations!
JO
Thank you, Jason.
Jason exits.
CASEY
Hey baby, how was work?
JO
Made a whole eighteen bucks in tips plus a laminated index card with scripture written on
it.
CASEY
Hey, couple more of those and we won’t need to buy our kid a bible!
JO
Listen baby, I know you’re excited but we gotta wait a few months before we start telling
people.
CASEY
Why?
JO
Because a million things could go wrong at this point.
CASEY
That’s just your pessimism talking.
JO
No Casey, that’s science talking. What the hell did you learn in high school?
CASEY
Football and fuckin’.
JO
We are definitely moving to a better school district.
Why aren’t you at Cleo’s? Don’t you have a show at 11?
CASEY
Oh, yeah...I, ah...
JO
What?
CASEY
It’s nothin’.
JO
Casey.
CASEY
I can’t do my Elvis act no more.
JO
Oh no, baby, why?
CASEY
Just wasn’t bringing in enough people.
JO
They fired you?
CASEY
They said I could bartend.
JO
But no Elvis?
CASEY
No Elvis.
JO
Oh baby...
CASEY
Maybe I’ll make more money as a bartender.
JO
You never did it for the money. That was your passion.
CASEY
You’re my passion.
JO
I learned long ago I had to share you with The King. I’m sorry.
CASEY
Lemme rub your feet.
JO
They smell.
CASEY
They always smell.
JO
More than usual.
CASEY
I’ll wear the helmet.
JO
A quick one.
CASEY
Atta girl!
He takes her socks off. Her feet stink.
CASEY
Oh man!
JO
Helmet!
He puts on an imaginary helmet. It’s a large, heavy

one with lots of buttons and hydraulics. Very high-
tech. This always makes her laugh. Once it’s in
place, he sniffs her feet again.
CASEY
Roses.
(then, massaging her feet)
What are you most afraid of? Go.
JO
That our baby will starve.
CASEY
What are you second most afraid of? Go.
JO
That our baby won’t starve and we’ll actually have to raise it.
CASEY
What are you most excited about? Go.
JO
Coming up with names.
CASEY
What are you second most excited about? Go.
JO
Clean baby milk smell.
CASEY
What // do you--
JO
Oh! And onesies. That soft, snuggly fabric that you just want to bury your face in.
CASEY
What do you love most about your life? Go.
JO
You.
CASEY
What would you most wanna change about your life? Go.
JO
Me.
CASEY
Baby, why? You’re amazing.
JO
I’m not amazing. I’m a cranky pain in the ass.
CASEY
Jo...
JO
I go to work every day and I have to be a pain. To the cooks, to the other girls, to the
customers, even. And if we have a baby, I’m going to have to be a pain here, too.
JO (CONT'D)
Cuz if I don’t, we’ll fail as parents and our son will go to prison or our daughter will
become a stripper. Or worse, the reverse. So the way I see it, my options are: be a pain to
everyone until the end of time or don’t and watch the entire world disintegrate.
CASEY
Those are your options, huh?
JO
It’s not funny. I feel like I’ve gotten so hard lately. I just wanna be a girl again, you know?
No. Not a girl. A woman. I don’t feel like a woman. I feel like..a wall. A brick wall. Casey,
I am scared to death.
Silence a moment. Then Casey picks up the guitar

and starts to strum.
JO
Yes, baby. Play me my song.
CASEY
YOU KNOW ME.
WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU SEE.
NO FANCY PLANS OR AMBITIOUS DREAMS,
NEVER PLAYED FOR KEEPS OR WINNING TEAMS.
THEN I FOUND YOU

AND MY LIFE BECAME BRAND NEW.
GOOD ENOUGH AIN’T GOOD ENOUGH NO MORE.
WHO WANTS TO WALK WHEN YOU’VE BEEN TAUGHT TO SOAR?
BECAUSE OF YOU, MY DREAMS HAVE ALL GROWN.

BECAUSE OF YOU, I KNOW JUST WHO I AM.
YOU SHOWED ME WHAT WAS POSSIBLE,
YOU TAUGHT ME WHAT WAS TRUE...
She kisses him, interrupting the song.
JO
You make things less scary.
TRANSITION #1
Eddie appears with his microphone again. He is

deeply uncomfortable.
EDDIE
Ahhhhhhhh....Miss Tracy Mills.
He exits as quickly as he can, practically fleeing.

Tracy appears in her best glamour drag outfit and
performs a bit of a number. Her repertoire is old
school. She then moves offstage and the lights and
music shift and we are...
SCENE 4: BACKSTAGE AT CLEO’S/ ONSTAGE AT CLEO’S
Tracy’s number can be heard going on in the

background. The crowd sounds larger than it’s ever
been. Rexy enters on roller skates, clutching a bottle
of vodka. Eddie follows in hot pursuit.
EDDIE
Don’t you roll away from me when I’m yelling at you.
REXY
I gotta get ready for my Edith Piaf number.
EDDIE
How are you gonna perform when you’re this stinkin’ drunk?
REXY
If Piaf could do it, so can I.
Casey enters with a beer keg.
REXY
Beat it, Elvis!
CASEY
I gotta change the taps.
EDDIE
You mean we actually ran outta something?
CASEY
We’re almost outta vodka, too.
EDDIE
That’s less surprising.
(to Rexy)
No more booze until after the show. // I finally got a crowd in this bar and you’re not gonna
screw it up for me.
REXY
You don’t know me.
Eddie storms off.
REXY
I gotta get ready for my Piaf number.
Rexy makes her way unsteadily toward the clothing

rack. Her knees buckle and she collapses to the floor,
passing out cold. The number onstage ends and
Tracy runs back into the dressing room, sees Rexy
on the floor.
TRACY
Good work! I’ll get a shovel and we’ll bury her out back.
CASEY
She passed out.
TRACY
Tale as old as time. Don’t worry, kid. I got this.
(getting into Rexy’s face)
Rexy! Miss Anorexia Nervosa! Come on baby, you’ve got your Piaf number to do.
(to Casey)
She loves to do her Piaf number.
(nothing)
Rexy!
(nothing)
Okay, quit foolin’. Get up, baby.
(then...)
Norman! I’ll tell everyone your name is Norman!
Shit, she is out. Help me get her up, baby.
Casey and Tracy pull Rexy up to her feet. Tracy

starts slapping her awake.
Eddie re-enters.
EDDIE
No no no no! She’s got two more songs to do.
TRACY
It is under control.
EDDIE
She can’t go on like this.
TRACY
Rexy once gave a flawless performance of Barbra Streisand’s “Jingle Bells” after three
oxy’s and a Zima. // This is not a problem.
REXY
I wanna Zima.
They move her toward the stage entrance.
TRACY
Come on, Rexy.
REXY
I’m gonna change my outfit.
TRACY
No time for that, baby. You just gotta make it work.
REXY
I’m gonna make it work.
TRACY
Skate toward the light, Carol Anne.
REXY
I’m gonna tearrr up sommmme Piaaaffff...
TRACY
Yes you are, baby, now break a leg!
REXY
I’m gonna break my legs.
They push her in the direction of the stage and she

goes sailing to the floor, landing just offstage.
EDDIE
Goddamnit Tracy!!!
TRACY
I can fix this.
EDDIE
I got a bar full of people and nothing to show them.
CASEY
I can go out there.
Both Eddie and Tracy stare in disbelief at Casey.
EDDIE
Are you serious?
CASEY
The show’s gotta go on, right?
EDDIE
How fast can you get ready?
CASEY
Lickety-split.
EDDIE
(to Tracy)
Now that’s what I call problem solving.
Casey runs to a cardboard box in the corner just as

Eddie makes his way to the rack. Casey reaches in
and pulls out his new Elvis jumpsuit just as Eddie
pulls a drag outfit off the rack. They stare at one
another.
CASEY EDDIE
Oh you must be crazy, Eddie. I’m not Oh no, Casey. I cannot have you going out
going out there in drag. there as Elvis again.
TRACY
I’m sorry, you were saying something about problem-solving?
EDDIE
That audience came to see a drag show, not Elvis.
CASEY
But we finally got the crowds! Lemme go out there and give ‘em a great show! What other
choice do we have?
EDDIE
You can put on this dress.
CASEY
Hell no!
EDDIE
Put it on or you’re fired.
CASEY TRACY
Now Eddie, wait-- Now come on, Eddie...
EDDIE
Tracy, help him get ready.
TRACY
I can’t just make a drag queen out of thin air.
EDDIE
Listen to me, both of you: I don’t care how you do it, I just want it done. I got a crowd full
of customers who came to see a drag show. I want that man lookin’ like a woman and on
that stage in five minutes or you can both kiss your jobs goodbye.
Eddie exits to the stage. Casey follows.
CASEY
Come on, Eddie. // Can’t we try just one Elvis number?
EDDIE (OFF)
Who wants free tequila?
Cheers from the crowd.
Casey and Tracy look at one another.
CASEY
What do we do?
TRACY
The only thing we can.
CASEY
Which is what?
TRACY
You gotta start changing.
CASEY
You can’t be serious.
TRACY
I’m dead serious. Strip.
CASEY
I can’t do this.
TRACY
And yet magically you will.
CASEY
Why can’t you just do a bunch of numbers all night?
TRACY
Because that’s not a drag show, that’s me in my bedroom as a teenager and nobody should
have to pay to see that. We are in the same boat now, baby. Grab an oar!
CASEY
But I don’t know anything about doing drag.
TRACY
Like that’s ever stopped anyone from doing drag. Take your clothes off. We’re turning you
into a girl.
CASEY
But--
TRACY
If I lose this gig, I’m gonna be working a register at Wal-Mart by weekend next. Where do
you think you’ll end up?
A beat, then Casey starts to strip.
TRACY
Okay!
Tracy begins grabbing things off the rack for him to

change into.
TRACY
First we need to reshape your body. Tits, hips, ass, no bulge. Unfortunately we don’t have
time to tape.
CASEY
Tape what?
TRACY
“The Golden Girls” on Lifetime Television for Women. What do you think?
Tracy tosses him some padded underwear.
TRACY
Here, this’ll give you some curves and obscure your boy parts.
CASEY
You want me to put this on?
TRACY
Yes, Mary! Put it on!
Tracy grabs a handful of tights and tosses them over.
TRACY
And when you’re done with that, put these on. These are going to itch like a bitch but we
don’t have time to shave your legs.
As he does, she starts looking for a waist cincher.
TRACY
Drag queens are resourceful. I’m a drag queen. Therefore, I am resourceful. We’re just
gonna make this work.
CASEY
How are we gonna make this work?
TRACY
Lord do I know? We’re just gonna try our best.
She notices he’s struggling with the tights and goes

to help him.
TRACY
Now get your little piggies in there first. That’s right. All the way up. Piggies and calves,
then cock and ass. We’re gonna get the whole farm in there, baby.
By now the tights are mostly on.
TRACY
Excellent. Next we need to get you some titties and a skinny waist.
She grabs a waist cincher and puts it on Casey.
TRACY
Suck in, baby. Beauty hurts.
CASEY
I can’t breathe!
TRACY
That’s how you know it’s working!
Tracy pulls out a padded bra and puts it on him.
TRACY
Okay, now for up top. Let’s not get crazy. Easy does it.
Casey’s hands instinctively start fondling his new

breasts. Tracy slaps his hands away.
TRACY
Hey, cut that out. I swear if men had breasts, the world would cease to function.
Tracy returns to the clothing rack.
TRACY
Okay, outfit. Let’s not get fancy here.
She takes a simple black dress off the rack.
TRACY
Luckily you’re doing Edith Piaf, who made drab look chic.
CASEY
I changed my mind. // Maybe we could talk to Eddie and--
TRACY
LISTEN TO ME: baby’s coming, daddy makes no money, daddy puts on funny clothes
and kid goes to Harvard. Put on this dress!
She tosses the dress to Casey, who tries to put it on.

Eddie re-enters.
EDDIE
Is he almost ready?
TRACY
He will be ready if you LEAVE US ALONE!!!!
Eddie exits. Tracy turns to check on Casey’s

progress with the dress.
TRACY
Okay, not bad, not bad. Okay, what’s next? Wig! Oh my God, wig!
She grabs a wig and hands it over.
TRACY
Here. This’ll work. From my Janet Reno phase. Don’t ask. Okay, shoes, shoes, shoes.
What’s your shoe size, baby?
CASEY
Thirteen.
TRACY
Okay, first of all, you’re fucked. Second of all, if a certain rule about a certain correlation
between two certain body parts is true, we’re going to need a lot of tape next time.
CASEY
Next time? I’m only doing this the one time.
TRACY
If I had a dollar for every straight man who’s ever said that to me...
Here. Try these on.
She tosses him the shoes then starts gathering up

makeup and applying it to his face. Nothing
elaborate. It should look very slapdash.
TRACY
Okay, there are a million things you need to know about drag but the only thing you need
to know right now is that drag is about persona. Who are you? What’s your story? You’re a
woman now. How does a woman move?
CASEY
I don’t know.
TRACY
How did Edith Piaf move?
CASEY
Who the hell is Edith Pidaf?
Tracy grabs at her chest like Fred Sanford coming to

Elizabeth. Then:
TRACY
Just try to walk with poise and confidence.
He tries but wobbles and stumbles.
TRACY
Okay, fuck the poise and confidence. Just try not to break your neck.
Eddie enters.
EDDIE
Now or never, Tracy.
TRACY
Now, goddamnit, now!
Eddie exits.
CASEY
I can’t do this.
TRACY
What’s the worst that can happen?
CASEY
I’ll humiliate myself.
TRACY
Yes, but who’s gonna know that it’s you?
She moves him to a mirror. He takes an amazed look

at himself.
TRACY
You’re a pretty girl, mama.
CASEY
Mama? Mama who?
TRACY
Killing me softly.
Eddie runs back in and then runs back out:
EDDIE
Let’s go, let’s go!
TRACY
Okay, baby, it’s time.
She pushes him toward the stage entrance.
CASEY
Wait! I don’t even know what song I’m doing.
TRACY
It’s called “Padam, Padam.” Know it? Of course not. Here’s a trick of the trade: if you
don’t know the lyrics, “watermelon motherfucker” will always get you through.
CASEY
Watermelon motherfucker.
TRACY
That’s it, baby! Oh and by the way, the song’s in French. // Okay, let’s go!
CASEY
FRENCH!?!?
TRACY
All you gotta remember is “watermelon motherfucker” and when you get to the chorus, just
do “Padam Padam Padam.”
CASEY
“Padam, Padam, Padam.”
TRACY
Great! You’re ready. Now let’s get you out there!
EDDIE (OVER MICROPHONE)

Ladies and Gentlemen, Cleo’s is proud to present...
(to Tracy)
What’s her name?
TRACY
Oh, shit! How could I forget? Quick baby, where was your mamma born?
CASEY
Um...Macon, Georgia.
TRACY
What was the name of the first girl you kissed?
CASEY
Angie McBride.
TRACY
Georgia McBride! Her name is Georgia McBride!
EDDIE (OVER MICROPHONE)

MISS GEORGIA McBRIDE!!!
CASEY
I can’t do this!!!!
Tracy pushes Casey out onto the stage. Lights shift

and we are suddenly on the stage of Cleo’s Lounge.
Edith Piaf’s “Padam Padam” starts to play.
Casey just stands there, not knowing what to do. A

deer caught in the headlights. Piaf sings but Casey
doesn’t move his lips. Tracy coaches him from the
wings.
EDITH PIAF
Cet air qui m’obsède jour et nuit.
TRACY
Well...don’t just stand there.
EDITH PIAF
Cet air n’est pas né d’aujourd’hui
TRACY
Watermelon motherfucker, baby.
EDITH PIAF
Il vient d’aussi loin que je viens
TRACY
Lip synch!
CASEY
What?
EDITH PIAF
Traîné par cent mille musiciens
TRACY
SING, BITCH!!!!
Casey begins to lip the words “watermelon

motherfucker” to the lyrics. It’s pretty terrible.
EDITH PIAF
Un jour cet air me rendra folle
TRACY
In time to the music.
EDITH PIAF
Cent fois j’ai voulu dire pourquoi
TRACY
That’s better.
EDITH PIAF
Mais il m’a coupé la parole
TRACY
Here comes the chorus.
EDITH PIAF
Il parle toujours avant moi
Et sa voix couvre ma voix
TRACY
Padam, Padam, baby.
Then the lyrics get to the “Padam Padam” chorus.

Casey hears it in the music and joins in. It works.
EDITH PIAF
Padam...padam...padam...
Il arrive en courant derrière moi
TRACY
That’s it. Well, that’s close.
EDITH PIAF
Il me fait le coup du souviens-toi
TRACY
And back to motherfucker!
He returns to watermelon motherfucker for the end

of the chorus.
EDITH PIAF
C’est un air qui me montre du doigt
Et je traîne après moi comme un drole d’erreur
Cet air qui sait tout par cœur
The music fades, the lights shift and we are

backstage the next night. Casey is changed into a
better wig and his makeup is improved. While this is
happening:
CASEY
I don’t know if I can do this again.
TRACY
Lip-synch or swim, baby.
CASEY
Last night was awful.
TRACY
They were tossing their money at you.
CASEY
They threw quarters at my head.
TRACY
It all adds up!
CASEY
Maybe you should try calling Rexy again.
TRACY
I’ve been calling her all day. If Rexy wanted to go on tonight, she’d be here. You’re all
we’ve got until I can find a replacement. Now look, you’ve got a natural stage presence,
that much cannot be denied. But you gotta know what you’re singing about.
CASEY
I don’t know what I’m singing about. // The song’s in French.
TRACY
It’s about some crazy bitch who has a song stuck in her head. Piaf always clutched her
head like she was having an ice cream migraine. Until you get the words down, learn the
gestures. Agony. Torment. Torture. And tonight I want you to really try hard to tap into
your femininity.
CASEY
I don’t have any femininity.
TRACY
Every man has some femininity you just gotta know where to look. Think of a woman you
know really well and just pretend to be her. Your wife, your mamma. Anyone.
By now, Casey is re-dressed and a little more made-

up. He looks better. But not great. Not yet.
CASEY
Tracy, I don’t know if I can do this again.
TRACY
Only one way to find out!
Tracy pushes back toward the stage. The lights shift

and he is once again back onstage. The song
resumes.
EDITH PIAF
Et moi je revois ceux qui resent
TRACY
Be a woman.
EDITH PIAF
Mes vignt ans font battre tambour
CASEY
How?
TRACY EDITH PIAF

You’re wearing a dress, for God’s sake. Je vois s’entrebattre des gestes
Use it!
He makes an adjustment and it is breathtaking. It is

as if he instantly knows what to do. He doesn’t have
the words down and he’s not really doing Piaf but it
is suddenly, utterly feminine.
EDITH PIAF
Toute la comédie de amours
TRACY
That’s it! Keep going!
EDITH PIAF
Sur cet air qui va toujours
TRACY
Now tie that into “Padam, Padam.”
Hand to heart, baby!
Casey does a signature Piaf gesture.
EDITH PIAF
TRACY
Yes!
EDITH PIAF
Des “je t’aime” de quatorze-juillet
TRACY
That’s it! You’re doing it!
EDITH PIAF
Des “toujours” qu’on achète au rabais
TRACY
Now let it grow!
EDITH PIAF
Des “veux-tu” en voilà par paquets
TRACY
Fantastic, Georgia!
EDITH PIAF
Et tout ça pour tomber juste au coin d’la rue
Sur l’air qui m’a reconnue
We shift back to the dressing room and he is changed

once more. This is the transformation where it all
comes together. He comes out of it looking amazing.
His confidence is growing.
CASEY
Okay, I studied the music.
TRACY
Good girl. And you // watched the movie?
CASEY
I watched the movie twice.
TRACY
So tell me what we have.
CASEY
Torment.
TRACY
Excellent!
CASEY
Longing.
TRACY
Parfait!
CASEY
Regret!
TRACY
Yes! Regret! Piaf lived to regret. And the gestures?
Casey does a signature Piaf arm gesture.
TRACY
Goddamnit, I’m good. Now you go out there and give ‘em a great show!
CASEY
I can do this!
TRACY
Don’t show me. Show them!
Another transition onto the stage. The music is grand

and sweeping, which precisely describes how Casey
takes the stage. He has become Piaf before our eyes.
His French lip synching is perfection, his
performance is astonishing. In five short minutes, he
has gone from a dude in a dress to Edith Piaf.
EDITH PIAF
Écoutex le chahut qu’il me fait
Comme si tout mon passé défilait
Faut garder du chagrin pour après
J’en ai tout un solfege sur cet air qui bat...
Qui bat comme un coeur de bois!
The song ends grandly. Casey claims the stage like a

pro. The crowd, now large, cheers madly. He has
transformed completely. He’s caught in his spotlight
a moment and then we blackout.
Casey and Tracy come tumbling into the dressing

room immediately after the show, each holding wads
of cash. The crowd outside cheers and screams.
CASEY
Woah! What a crowd!
TRACY
I’m gonna be finding money in the shower!
CASEY
Holy shit, look at this...
Casey pulls out...
TRACY
A twenty! Looks like you’ve got an admirer, Miss McBride.
Eddie enters.
EDDIE
Now that’s what I call a show! You boys gotta go back out there and do one more.
TRACY
Eddie, you must be crazy. The only thing I’m working on tonight is tomorrow morning’s
regret.
EDDIE
But your fans want more!
TRACY
So they’ll come back tomorrow and pay the cover all over again.
EDDIE
I like how you think. Come on out and have a drink. First round’s on me.
Eddie exits. Casey starts changing back into his

street clothes.
TRACY
Come on, let’s go take a victory lap.
CASEY
I should be gettin’ home.
TRACY
We gotta go work the crowd, baby.
CASEY
Maybe another night.
Tracy takes note of the haste with which he takes his

drag gear off.
TRACY
Yeah. Sure, that’s fine.
You ever have crowds like this as Elvis?
CASEY
Not really, no. I ain’t seen crowds this big since the high school drama club.
TRACY
You was in the drama club?
CASEY
That surprise you?
TRACY
Darling, you have got to get up pretty early in the afternoon to surprise a drag queen. Tell
me everything! I do love a good origins story.
CASEY
Ain’t much to tell. I started doing plays because of my girlfriend, Angie McBride.
TRACY
Your namesake!
CASEY
I started going with her to drama club when I didn’t have football practice. The first show
they did was Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. They gave me the part of
the Pharaoh who’s got that // big Elvis number in the second act.
TRACY
The Elvis number. Of course.
CASEY
I played Sweeney Todd my senior year. I was scary, too.
TRACY
I got chills just thinking about it. You ever think of acting professionally?
CASEY
Ain’t no work for actors ‘round here, ‘cept for community theatre.
TRACY
There’s other places to live, you know. New York, Los Angeles...
CASEY
My wife talks about moving sometimes. She’s from Tallahassee so this place feels really
small to her. But I dunno...I’m a local boy. Never really been anywhere else. I like it here.
Casey is by now back in his street clothes.
TRACY
So look, Rexy’s not coming back, that much is clear. And I still need a partner in this
endeavor. I could make some calls, see if I can get someone to come down, but
honestly...whoever I get, they ain’t gonna be much and they certainly ain’t gonna stay for
long.
CASEY
So, then...?
TRACY
What’dyda think about staying on, seeing where this goes?
CASEY
What do you think?
TRACY
You’re really good at this.
CASEY
Am I?
TRACY
I think it’s safe to say we’re both surprised.
CASEY
It’s not exactly what I thought I’d be doing with my life.
TRACY
Well, let’s not think of it as “for your life.” Let’s just think of it as “for now.”
CASEY
I can do that.
TRACY
You’ve still got a lot to learn and you certainly can’t keep doing Edith Piaf every night. You
need your own persona. That means new numbers, new outfits, the whole shebang. It’s
gonna take some work But I do believe you have the potential to become one hell of a great
drag queen. Given the proper mentoring, of course. And then you and I could really make a
go at this place. And maybe make a little money for our troubles. What do you say?
Tracy extends her hand for him to shake. He thinks a

moment and then takes it.
CASEY
Let’s do this!
Eddie re-enters with a bottle of champagne and three

plastic cups. He pours out drinks and passes them
around.
EDDIE
If you won’t come out to the bar, I’m bringing the bar to you. I bought this champagne to
celebrate my bankruptcy. I never thought it’d be drag queens that’d save my ass.
TRACY
And we’re just getting started, Eddie. We are going to turn Cleo’s into the hottest spot in all
the Panhandle. They are going to be able to see us from the moon when we’re through.
EDDIE
I’ll drink to that.
TRACY
To success.
ALL THREE
Success!
TRACY
To family!
ALL THREE
To family!
TRACY
To Georgia McBride!
ALL THREE
Georgia McBride!
Rexy appears at the door.
REXY
Don’t panic! Everything’s fine! Rexy’s here.
She grandly sweeps in past the stunned trio and

makes her way to the makeup table.
REXY
Thanks for keeping my seat warm, Elvis. You can go back behind the bar.
She starts diving into her makeup kit, as if nothing

were the matter. The trio stare at each other in
disbelief. Then...
TRACY
You have got a lot of nerve, // Miss Nervosa.
REXY
I don’t wanna hear it // from you, Tracy.
TRACY
Casey saved our asses while you were off on your bender. You owe him a great big thank
you // for stepping up and--
REXY
I owe him a great big sock in the jaw for stealing my number. Outta my dressing room,
Elvis.
EDDIE
It’s my dressing room, Rexy. I’ll say who can use it and who can’t.
REXY
Don’t let me stop you.
EDDIE
So pack your shit and hit the road.
REXY
Wait, me??? You’re choosing him over me?
EDDIE
You bet your sweet ass I am.
REXY
He isn’t a drag queen!
EDDIE
My customers seem to think he is. Now git.
REXY
(to Tracy)
Et tu Brute?
TRACY
Eddie, couldn’t she stay if she promises to behave, gets here on time and stays sober every
night?
REXY
I will NOT be handled! I’m too big a star to take second billing to some dilettante in a
dress. I don’t need you. I don’t need any of you. The world has kicked Miss Rexy around
for the last time! Grab a sweater, ladies. You’re gonna need it in my shadow!
She storms off grandly.
A beat, then she storms back in.
REXY
Tracy, I need twenty dollars for a taxi.
Tracy hands over some cash.
REXY
Bitches, adieu!
She storms off grandly once again.
TRACY
All right, Mister Man: school’s in session. Time to find you your own persona.
CASEY
First thing Monday morning?
TRACY
Let’s say third thing Tuesday afternoon. Tracy needs her beauty rest.
She exits. Eddie is counting out money.

CASEY
Hey Eddie?
EDDIE
Yeah, Casey?
CASEY
This is okay, right? It’s just a part, right? Like the time I played Sweeney Todd.
EDDIE
Exactly.
CASEY
So you’re cool with all this?
EDDIE
With making money? I am definitely cool with that.
CASEY
I mean, you know, the whole drag part of it.
EDDIE
I don’t see drag queens, Casey. You know what I see? I see Abraham Lincoln. I see
Andrew Jackson. I see Benjamin Franklin. It’s raining men!
Eddie shoves a wad of cash into Casey’s hand.
EDDIE
One bit of advice for you.
CASEY
Yeah, anything.
EDDIE
I think your tits need to be bigger.
Eddie exits. Casey looks at the wad of cash in his

hands. He smiles, holds it up and gives his best
Sweeney Todd:
CASEY
AT LAST MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN!!!!
Casey bursts into the apartment.
CASEY
Hey Jo! Get on your best outfit, darlin’. I am taking you out!
Jo rushes in, throwing her arms around him.
JO
They’re kicking us out, Casey.
CASEY
Sherry and Jason?
JO
Sherry came by tonight while you were at work and said if we don’t pay the rent by
morning, she’s calling the cops on us.
CASEY
Okay, baby, calm down.
JO
Calm down? Casey, we are homeless! What are we gonna do?
CASEY
We’re gonna pay the rent.
Casey pulls out a wad of cash.
JO
Where in hell did you get that?
CASEY
Made it tonight at Cleo’s.
JO
You made this bartending?
CASEY
I’m...good at what I do.
JO
No one’s that good at bartending. Are you selling drugs?
CASEY
Eddie figured out how to bring in new customers.
JO
How?
CASEY
He...
You’re not gonna believe this...
Pause.
CASEY
He brought in...this stupid heavy metal cover band.
JO
He did what?
CASEY
Anthrax and Slayer and Black Sabbath...
JO
No...
CASEY
You won’t believe how many people will pay to hear that shit. But it brings in customers.
And money!
She looks at the money.
JO
But tonight was just a fluke, right?
CASEY
Ain’t no fluke, baby. And we haven’t even hit tourist season yet.
(peeling off some cash)
Here’s the rent money.
(more cash)
Here’s the electric bill.
(more)
Here’s grocery money. We’re shopping at Publix from now on.
(more)
Here’s diapers. And formula.
CASEY (CONT'D)
(laying out the most precious bill of all
for...)
Here’s onesies.
She looks at the money.
JO
We’re gonna be okay?
CASEY
We’re gonna be okay.
JO
Thank you, Casey.
CASEY
God, I love to see you smile. Now gimme a kiss.
She kisses his cheek.
CASEY
That’s not a kiss. Come on, baby. Gimme one for the money.
She kisses his lips.
CASEY
Two for the show.
She kisses him twice.
CASEY
Three to get ready.
She kisses him three times. Elvis takes over with

“Now go, cat, go!” Casey grabs her and kisses her
deeply as “Blue Suede Shoes” starts to play.
TRANSITION #2
Casey gets back into his drag padding and

undergarments as the music continues. He is ready to
conquer this thing. We then move into...
Tracy coaches Casey through a portion of a

Madonna song. While he performs the song
efficiently, there’s no real connection to it. The
essential “Casey-ness” of it overpowers the
“Madonna-ness” of it. Eventually, Tracy turns off the
music.
CASEY
Well?
TRACY
I think we’re gonna have to find a different way for you to “express yourself.”
CASEY
Damnit! That’s the tenth pop icon I’ve struck out with. What am I doing wrong?
TRACY
You’re not doing anything wrong, baby, it just takes patience. You’ve got a lot of the
fundamentals down already. You’ve got a natural stage presence, your lip synching has
finally reached perfection. You’ve come a long way from the time you glued your eyes shut
puttin’ on your false lashes.
CASEY
So why can’t I figure her out?
TRACY
Because this is a drag persona, not a J. Crew sweater. You can’t just pull it on and off as
easily as that. It sometimes takes years to develop.
CASEY
Years?!? I gotta figure out a way to make this work now. I told Jo that I could support us
off this job.
TRACY
You two had the talk?
CASEY
Not exactly. She thinks I’m still bartending.
TRACY
Casey...
CASEY
Don’t you Casey me, Tracy. I’ll tell her when I’m good and ready. There just hasn’t been
the right moment.
TRACY
There will never be the right moment to tell your wife that you are doing drag. You’re just
chickenshit.
CASEY
I am not chickenshit! I go out there every night and perform in drag.
TRACY
And then you scurry back into this dressing room and change back into your blue jeans
faster than you can say “Frances Gumm.”
CASEY
Don’t you yell at me, Tracy! I am under a lot of pressure right now and it is really starting
to stress me out. I have been rehearsing all day with nothing to show for it. Judy, Liza,
Barbra, Britney, Bette, Rihanna, Fergie and Madonna. My legs are itchy, my ankles are
aching, I can’t feel my balls and I have no idea who the hell you just name-checked. I just
need you to say one encouraging thing to me or I swear to God I’m gonna flip out!
TRACY
First of all...brava queen!
Look, I know this is the last thing you thought you’d ever end up doing. Well baby, this is
not exactly the town I thought I’d ever end up playing. Yet here we both are: a straight man
in drag and a drag queen in hell. The only place for us to go from here is up. And the only
things holding us back are the limits of our imagination. Now either we do this right, or we
don’t do this at all. What’s it gonna be?
CASEY
I wanna do this right.
TRACY
So quit your bitching and let’s go out there with our tits up and our testicles tucked.
CASEY
Hell, yeah, dawg!
TRACY
Fuckin’ A, bro!
Casey goes for a high five. Tracy screams and ducks

behind a chair.
TRACY
Sorry. Reflex.
Now here’s a thought: we came up with your drag name on the fly. That was some
desperation inspiration if I ever saw it. Maybe what you need is a new drag name.
CASEY
Okay, that makes sense.
TRACY
Great! So here, I’ve worked on a few. Tell me what you think:
She takes out a notebook and starts suggesting some

as he rejects each one.
TRACY
Phillipa Gastank. Rita Book. Mahalia Taxi. Shalita Buffet. Sarah Problem. Bernice Anders.
We could dress you as a belly dancer and call you “Barbra Ganoush.”
Casey rushes over to a box containing his old

jumpsuits, starts rifling through it.
TRACY
Oh come on, Casey! These are gems! Etta Mame. Frieda Slaves.
CASEY
I have an idea.
TRACY
Ooh! Tell me.
Casey grabs his jumpsuit from Scene 1.
CASEY
What about this?
TRACY
Baby, your Elvis act died on the toilet. Time to let it go.
They look at each other.
CASEY
We sew these panels back together but as a skirt, not as pant legs. We add some sparkle or
feathers or some poofy thing to it and boom, baby! Drag queen Elvis!
TRACY
By George, I think he’s got it!
CASEY
Little bit country, little bit rock and roll.
TRACY
And all woman!
CASEY
And there’s so much music to choose from: Loretta Lynn, Emmylou Harris!
TRACY
We could do a Dixie Chicks number together! Oh Casey, this could work BRILLIANTLY!
CASEY
This is it. This is my persona! Georgia McBride has finally come to life!!!
TRANSITION #3
Music and lights. Eddie appears with his

microphone. We hear that the crowd at Cleo’s is now
quite large.
EDDIE
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, fa--
(looking off)
I can’t say that.
TRACY (OFF)
No, go on! Trust me, it’s funny.
EDDIE
(back to the paper)
Faggots and fagettes. Welcome to Cleo’s bar on Panama City Beach. Tonight we celebrate
VD.
(he checks the paper again, then...)
Valentine’s Day! Happy Valentine’s Day!
(cheers from the crowd)
Cleo’s wants to say to everyone out there in the crowd who’s with their sweetheart: “go
fuck yourselves, ya desperate bitches. He’ll be gone by Easter.”
EDDIE (CONT'D)
(back to Tracy, off)
Are you sure this is okay to say?
TRACY (OFF)
They’re lapping it up, sugar, Now go into the stem-winder...
Eddie returns to his text.
EDDIE
And now it is time for Cleo’s exotic, erotic, hypnotic, chaotic, psychotic, melodic,
rhapsodic, despotic, probiotic Drag Spectacular. Featuring the glorious and notorious
MISS TRACY MILLS!!! Now help me welcome to the stage our newest star: MISS
GEORGIA McBRIDE!!
SCENE 8: ONTAGE AT CLEO’S
And now what begins is a drag show for Tracy and

Georgia with each of them taking turns on the stage.
We only get brief snippets of the songs. They go
back and forth through several songs, changing
outfits each time they do. It is as much a fashion
show as it is a drag performance. It should also
indicate the passage of time as Casey becomes more
adept at drag and as Georgia’s persona develops.
Tracy takes on a number of different kinds of

numbers. From classic Judy Garland to a torch song,
to wild over-the-top ridiculousness. Tracy’s numbers
run the gambit of drag staples.
Georgia is pure country. The original Elvis DNA

should be apparent in her outfit but they are now
their own, fabulous things. And as for Georgia
herself, she is simply amazing. A dynamic, engaging,
fun, sexy, flirtatious, utterly feminine, wholly
original creation.
Eddie appears from time to time, his outfit improving

each time.
EDDIE
Happy St. Patrick’s Day from Cleo’s Bar on the Beach. And now here to make you green
with envy is Miss Tracy Mills!
And then...
EDDIE
Memorial Day weekend means that summer has finally arrived out here on the beach. But
you know who sizzles all the year round? Cleo’s own Miss Georgia McBride!
And then...
EDDIE
Happy July 4th from Cleo’s Hell on Heels Bar, the hottest spot on Panama City Beach! I
don’t know about you, but I am feeling patri-HOT-ic tonight! And now to bring some
fierceness to your festivities, help me welcome to the stage the scorching new star of the
Panhandle, the blazing supernova of drag: Miss Georgia McBride!!!
Georgia comes out in her best outfit yet. The crowd

goes wild, cheering and screaming. She works the
crowd a bit before going into her final number. She
has arrived as a fully formed original creation
It is now mid-summer. The dressing room is filled

with even more outfits, shoes, wigs, etc. It’s full-
blown operation at this point.
Tracy is at the mirror putting the finishing touches on

her makeup. Casey enters from the stage, riding a
post performance high, pulling money he’s got
stuffed into his outfit.
CASEY
Oh baby! That crowd is insane!
TRACY
I was about to send for help.
A knock at the door.
TRACY
Come in!
Eddie enters.
EDDIE
Great show, ladies.
CASEY
It’s so packed out there no one can hardly move.
EDDIE
I know! I think it’s time we seriously talked about adding a late show on Saturdays.
CASEY TRACY
No way. Nothin’ doing, Eddie.
EDDIE
Those crowds wanna stick around later than we’re lettin’ ‘em.
CASEY
We’re already doing four shows a night.
EDDIE
So what’s one more?
TRACY
Eddie, I’ve told you I gotta get up early for church on Sundays. That choir does not
conduct itself.
CASEY
And I got a forty-five minute drive home every night.
EDDIE
Well that’s just a fine bit of gratitude if you ask me. How ‘bout just through Labor Day?
CASEY
What about that new sound system we keep asking for?
EDDIE
That’s too expensive.
CASEY
You can afford it, you cheapskate.
TRACY
I noticed you could afford that new car.
EDDIE
That’s different.
CASEY
And while we’re at it // we could use some new lights, too.
EDDIE
Oh Jesus...
(after “some new lights, too.”)
What’s wrong with the lights we got now?
CASEY
We’re trying to put on a spectacular drag show, you gotta give us something to work with,
up our production values.
EDDIE
I’m feeling ganged up on here.
TRACY
It’s called collective bargaining, Eddie.
CASEY
We’re forming a union.
TRACY
You’re negotiating with the Drag Queensters now.
CASEY
We also wanna bring in some new girls, get some variety into the show. Tracy and I would
still headline, of course.
TRACY
And we want to work out a sponsorship deal with a liquor company.
CASEY
Smirnov or Stoli or something like that.
TRACY
Grey Goose, baby. We’re angry at the Russians right now.
CASEY
“Grey Goose presents Cleo’s Dragtastic Extravaganza...”
TRACY
I thought we agreed on “Dragstravaganza.”
CASEY
We never made a decision one way or another.
TRACY
And so you just decided to make it for me?
CASEY
Well you kept dragging your feet.
TRACY
I’m gonna be dragging your face on the pavement if you keep putting words in my mouth.
CASEY
Sweetie, you’ve had worse things than that in there.
Tracy clutches her pearls.
TRACY
Your first shade! I’m so proud of you, my darling. Give us a hug. They grow up so
quickly.
They hug.
CASEY
What do you say, Eddie?
EDDIE
Yes to the sound, no to the lights, we’ll talk about the extra girls and this sponsorship idea,
and the late show starts tonight.
CASEY
Deal!
EDDIE
Oh, and did either of you order a bubble machine?
TRACY
Is it here?!?
EDDIE
It’s in my office. You charged it to my credit card?
TRACY
Well it’s not like my card was gonna work. I got a good price for it on the Ebay. Only used
once at a Mike Pence rally. Go get it for me, baby, I wanna try it out.
EDDIE
You can use it in the late show tonight.
Eddie exits.
CASEY
Unzip me, baby? I gotta pee.
Tracy unzips him.
CASEY
“They’re gonna be able to see this place from the moon.”
TRACY
You keep working Eddie on those lights, sugar, and they surely will.
CASEY
Sky’s the limit, Tracy.
TRACY
Yes indeed it is, baby.
Casey exits to the bathroom. Tracy takes a moment

for herself. She is very happy.
A knock at the door.
TRACY
Is that my bubble machine? Oh Eddie!
Jo enters, six months pregnant.
JO
Hello?
Tracy turns to see her.
TRACY
You Mormons really will knock on any door, won’t you?
JO
I’m--
TRACY
Yes?
JO
I’m looking for--
TRACY
The end of your sentence?
JO
Casey. My husband. Is he--?
TRACY
Oh boy.
JO
Is this still Cleo’s?
TRACY
Have a seat, baby, you’ve got a long scene to play.
Jo tentatively enters the dressing room. Casey re-

enters from the bathroom.
CASEY
I gotta get me some diaper cream. This taping gets more painful every--
(he sees her)
Oh shit!
JO
Casey?
CASEY
Jo.
JO
Casey?
CASEY
Hey, baby. Look, I--
Awkward silence. Then:
TRACY
And this is me, making as graceful an exit as I possibly can this far away from the door.
Tracy walks with great dignity but also great urgency

to the door and exits.
CASEY
It’s not what it looks like.
(looking down at himself)
Okay, maybe it is but I can explain.
JO
What the hell is going on here, Casey?
CASEY
I’m...I’m in drag.
JO
But...why?
CASEY
Well...
EDDIE (OFF STAGE, ON MIC)

Ya’ll don’t go nowhere. Our next show starts at eleven.
TRACY (OFF STAGE, ON MIC)

With my new bubble machine!

And starting tonight, we’re adding a 2am late show!

Begrudgingly!
Big cheer from the crowd.
CASEY
Listen, lemme change and // I’ll explain everything.
JO
I can’t stay here.
CASEY
No wait, just gimme a minute and // I’ll--
JO
I have to go.
CASEY
Jo, wait!
She rushes out. Casey is half in, half out of drag. He

grabs his clothes and his keys and tub of baby wipes
and runs after her. As he’s doing this:

Now have a drink and stick around for more of Miss Tracy Mills--

That’s me, bitches!

And Miss Georgia McBride!
Cheers from the crowd. Casey exits just as Tracy

returns from the stage. She watches as he flees for
the parking lot.
Jo is stuffing a large duffel bag with Casey’s clothes.

Casey enters.
CASEY
Jo!
JO
Go away, Casey. I don’t wanna talk to you.
CASEY
Jo, come on, baby, please let me explain.
JO
You’ve been lying to me all this time about everything: where you worked, what you did
there, how you made your money.
CASEY
I know, I’m sorry. Can I just explain to you // why I--
JO
I don’t want any explanations, Casey. Just take your shit and go.
CASEY
Jo, please. Can’t we talk about this first?
Jason enters.
JASON
Guys, seriously. I got three kids trying to sleep over there. What the hell is going on?
CASEY
Nothing, Jason. // We’re fine.
JO
I got off work early tonight, I figured I’d drive out to the beach and surprise Casey with a
visit.
CASEY
Jo, please.
JO
And I got the surprise instead.
JASON CASEY
Oh man, really? Casey... Jo, can’t we please talk about this?
JO
No we cannot.
JASON
Casey, man, just admit what you done and beg like hell for forgiveness.
CASEY
I’m sorry that I lied to you about the fact that I was doing drag.
JASON
Good, now--
Wait, what?
JO
Casey’s been doing drag and lying to me about it.
CASEY
I was fixin’ to tell you, baby.
JO
That is some bullshit if I ever heard it.
CASEY
I was, I swear!
JO
Are you gay?
CASEY
No, I’m not gay.
JO
Then why are you doing drag?
CASEY
It started out as an accident.
JO
How does someone accidentally start doing drag?
CASEY
Eddie fired me as Elvis and brought in his cousin and a friend of hers to do a drag act and I
started bartending until one night one of the drag queens passed out drunk and Eddie
threatened to fire us all if there wasn’t a drag show so I put on a dress, a wig and some
makeup and I went out onstage and sang a song in French and that’s how I started doing
drag.
JO
Okay, that’s one time and I don’t even understand that.
JASON
Well the show must go on, Jo.
JO
But then you kept on doing it. And you kept lying to me about it.
CASEY
But I’ve been making money. That money is real.
JO
It wouldda been one thing if you’d come home, sat me down and said, “hey baby, guess
what?” But you didn’t, Casey. You spent the last six months doing contortions around the
truth. And now I’m wondering: what else has he been lying to me about?
CASEY
Nothing, baby, I swear it was just this one thing.
JO
How do I know that’s true?
CASEY
Because I’m telling you.
JO
You’ve told me a lot these last six months.
A beat, then:
JASON
I went out with a gender nonconformist once.
Both Casey and Jo stare at him.
JASON
Oh yeah. It’s true. I moved to new Orleans right after high school, met this girl at a bar. The
most beautiful woman I ever laid eyes on. I fell completely in love. I was ready to propose
and everything. Of course, I didn’t know she had a penis at the time.
JO
How did you find out?
JASON
Have either of you ever seen “The Crying Game?”
JO CASEY
No. I haven’t yet, no.
JASON
Well now I’ve gone and spoiled it for you. Let’s just say I found out the hard way. Things
ended pretty quickly after that.
JO
Were you upset?
JASON
I was heartbroken. We loved each other. And sometimes, when Sherry’s workin’ my last
nerve and I see how happy you two are, I do think about her and I wonder what might
have been if I’d decided to stay. Maybe it coulda worked. Maybe we coulda built a life
together. Maybe the heart wants what the heart wants and I was focused on the wrong
organ.
Silence a moment, then:
JO
You are all that I have in this world, Casey. I feel completely alone right now.
CASEY
I swear I did this for us.
JO
I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that you believe that or that you expect me to.
Jo exits to the bedroom. Silence a moment.
JASON
Her name was Fiona. God, she was beautiful.
SCENE 11: TRACY’S PLACE
Casey knocks on Tracy’s door. After a moment

Tracy appears. We see her out of drag for the first
time in the play. We see her as Bobby.
CASEY
Can we talk?
BOBBY
I just took an Ambien. I could turn into Jessica Lange at any second so you’d better make it
quick.
CASEY
I’m sorry I ran out on you like that.
BOBBY
Baby, I’m not the one you need to apologize to. You skedaddled tonight on a crowd full of
people who came out to see you perform. That’s the account you need to settle.
CASEY
Can I first start with you?
BOBBY
Fine. Apology accepted. Feel any better?
CASEY
No.
BOBBY
Yeah. Here’s the thing babe--and I say this from years of experience--you cannot move
through life being good at cleaning up your messes. You need to make fewer messes.
CASEY
I thought that’s what I was doing.
BOBBY
No you didn’t. You knew full well what you were up to.
Bobby allows this to land, then:
BOBBY
Listen, I own my part in this. I willingly aided and abetted in your chickenshittery. Because
we were all making money and we believed we were building something real.
CASEY
But it was real.
BOBBY
Not when you had to lie in order to do it.
CASEY
Jo kicked me out.
BOBBY
Good for Jo.
CASEY
I think I may have lost her.
What do I do?
BOBBY
You’re so good at making messes, maybe it’s time you invest in a mop.
CASEY
I shoulda been honest.
BOBBY
That would have been a very good start.
CASEY
Why wasn’t I honest?
BOBBY
If you’re going to soliloquize, I’m going to bed.
CASEY
I...I was...
BOBBY
You were a straight boy making his living pretending to be a woman.
CASEY
Do you think I was ashamed?
BOBBY
You tell me.
CASEY
I just...I...
I felt...
I felt like...
I felt like a fag.
BOBBY
Okay, then.
CASEY
I felt like a fag.
BOBBY
Welcome to the first twenty years of my life.
CASEY
I don’t know what to do.
BOBBY
Welcome to the second twenty years of my life.
Casey looks at Bobby, so helpless.
CASEY
I’m so sorry.
BOBBY
That one I believed. That one I understand. That one I forgive.
You need to figure out who you are--to your wife, to your friends, to yourself. And then
you need to get a lot better at being that person.
CASEY
Can I stay here tonight?
BOBBY
Sorry, babe. I’ve got company.
CASEY
You do?
BOBBY
Don’t sound so surprised.
Beat.
BOBBY
I called Rexy. She’s gonna come do the show tomorrow night.
CASEY
Ugh, really?
BOBBY
Oh no. You leave me high and dry up there like I’m introducing the Von Trapp Family
Singers and now you’ve got an opinion about your understudy? I cordially invite you to go
fuck yourself. I got a show to run, babe, and it’s gonna happen with or without you, ya
dig?
CASEY
Yeah.
BOBBY
Good. Because when push comes to shawl, you gotta toast your limes in shit.
I think my Ambien’s kicking in.
Bobby turns to go back inside.
BOBBY
If this is goodbye, don’t expect any tearful scenes from me. I am long past crying over men
who can’t hack it. I’m enjoying the third twenty years of my life.
He exits, leaving Casey by himself.

SCENE 12: BACKSTAGE AT CLEO’S / ONSTAGE AT CLEO’S
Casey enters. From offstage, we hear one of Tracy’s

numbers. Casey takes a look at the mirror and the
clothing rack. Regret etched on his face. He grabs his
guitar out of the corner and rests it by the door to the
parking lot. He then takes a box and starts to fill it
with his personal things.
Rexy enters from the bar, done up to perform. She

sees him and smiles.
REXY
Karma’s a bitch, ain’t she?
CASEY
I just came to get my things, Rexy.
REXY
Do not let me stop you.
Casey continues to pack up.
REXY
Hey, can you tell me who Lady Chablis is? Or Hedda Lettuce? Lypsinka? Divine?
Barbette?
CASEY
They’re drag queens.
REXY
Good guess, hayseed. Tell me everything you know about Stonewall. Mattachine. Act Up.
Could you even find Christopher Street on a New York City map?
CASEY
I get it, Rexy. You know more about drag than I do.
REXY
This ain’t about knowledge, baby. This is about respect. Heritage. Lineage. We ain’t
runnin’ a fucking community theatre here. This shit is life and death.
CASEY
You can’t even get through a show without passing out drunk.
REXY
Never mistake my personal failings for a lack of devotion. I didn’t choose to be a drag
queen, baby, I was born one. I don’t get to opt out when the going gets tough.
CASEY
You have no idea what this means to me.
REXY
Baby, you have no idea what this means.
Casey returns to cleaning.
REXY
You ever been to Houston? Miserable town for a little gay boy to come up in. Only place in
the world I felt safe was inside a bar called the Montrose Mining Company. That’s where I
put on my first face. So this one night between shows, I walk out to my car to get my
cigarettes when a brick materializes out of nowhere and hits me in the face.
(pointing to the scar)
Right here. Then another brick hits me in the back of the head.
(pointing to the back of her head)
Right here.
By now, I’m on the ground and I look up to see two of Houston’s most promising young
citizens preparing to kick the living shit out of me. I get to my feet, I face my attackers and I
say “well, motherfuckers: show me what you got.” They did, all right.
(pointing to the scar)
Seven stitches.
(pointing to the back of her head)
Eighteen.
(pointing to her nose)
Broken.
(pointing to her lip)
Busted.
(pointing to her teeth)
False.
I was sixteen years old.
And I still have the guts to walk out to my car every night as I am, even in this shitty,
homophobic town. Because I’m a drag queen, bitch.
Drag ain’t a hobby, baby. Drag ain’t a night job. Drag is a protest. Drag is a raised fist
inside a sequined glove. Drag is a lot of things, baby, but drag is not for sissies.
Tracy’s number ends. Cheers offstage for her.
EDDIE’S VOICE
And now hide your wallets and your teenaged sons. Here comes tonight’s guest star, direct
from rehab, Miss Anorexia Nervosa.
REXY
That’s me. Who the fuck are you?
Rexy’s music starts to play. She exits to the stage.
Casey stands there with a box full of drag

paraphernalia. He stares at himself in the mirror. A
deep, hard stare. He then starts to quickly undress
and put on his padding and stockings. He’s getting
into drag. This is another moment where our
dressers can come out and help him. It’s the fastest
transition yet.
Tracy enters from the stage with Eddie directly

behind her. They spot Casey. We continue to dress
Casey throughout this.
CASEY
I’d like to go on next if that’s okay.
EDDIE
It’s Tracy’s show. That’s her call to make.
CASEY
There’s a room full of people who came to see Georgia perform tonight.
TRACY
Well then you best get to it.
CASEY
Thank you.
EDDIE
What song should I play, Casey?
CASEY
I don’t need music. Just introduce me.
EDDIE
You got it.
Eddie exits.
The dressers are now working on Casey’s wig and

makeup.
Rexy’s number finishes. Applause. Casey stands

there as Georgia, perhaps for the last time ever. He
grabs his guitar and heads to the stage, determination
etched onto his face. Tracy watches him go as Eddie
grabs his microphone and we transition onto the
stage. As he passes:
TRACY
Is this your last one?
CASEY
I don’t know.
TRACY
Well.
Don’t forget to tilt your head up while you’re singing. You want the light to catch your
eyes. There’s no sense going to all that trouble working on your eyes if they’re just gonna
be sitting in shadows.
EDDIE
Ladies and gentlemen, she just couldn’t stay away. Quite simply, Miss Georgia McBride.
The crowd goes wild. The lights shift. Casey as

Georgia takes the stage at Cleo’s.
GEORGIA
Hi ya’ll. Sorry I’m late.
VOICE FROM THE CROWD

We love you, Georgia!
GEORGIA
And I love you too, baby. With all my heart. We’re gonna do something a little different
tonight. I hope you like it.
Georgia strums the guitar. Then, in her own voice,

Georgia sings:
GEORGIA
YOU KNOW ME.
WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU SEE.
NO FANCY PLANS OR AMBITIOUS DREAMS,
NEVER PLAYED FOR KEEPS OR WINNING TEAMS.
GEORGIA (CONT'D)
THEN I FOUND YOU

AND MY LIFE BECAME BRAND NEW.
GOOD ENOUGH AIN’T GOOD ENOUGH NO MORE.
WHO WANTS TO WALK WHEN YOU’VE BEEN TAUGHT TO SOAR?
BECAUSE OF YOU, MY DREAMS HAVE GROWN.

YOU TAUGHT ME WHAT WAS TRUE,
BABY I WAS LOST ‘TIL I FOUND YOU.
HERE I AM, BABE.

HAND TO HEART AND HEART IN HAND.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS
BUT I WANT YOU THERE AS IT UNFOLDS.
BECAUSE OF YOU, MY DREAMS HAVE ALL GROWN.

YOU TAUGHT ME WHAT WAS TRUE,
BABY I WAS LOST ‘TIL I FOUND YOU.
OH I WAS LOST, SO LOST, ‘TIL I FOUND YOU.
Lights fade on Georgia.
Casey enters from the stage. He sets his guitar down

and stares into the mirror. He starts to cry.
There’s a knock at the door.
CASEY
Yeah?
The door opens. Jo is standing there. Casey turns to

see her and leaps to his feet.
CASEY
Jo. What are you...?
JO
I’ve been driving around all day, not knowing what to do. I ended up here.
CASEY
Me too.
I had to go out there one last time.
JO
You were like a woman up there.
CASEY
That’s the point.
JO
No, but you really were a woman.
CASEY
Was I?
She nods.
CASEY
Is that okay?
Jo makes her way over to the clothing rack.
JO
Are all these yours?
CASEY
These here are mine. The rest are Tracy’s.
JO
They liked your song.
CASEY
They seemed to, didn’t they?
JO
I never heard you sing any of your songs in public before.
CASEY
Never had the guts to.
JO
Why this, Casey?
CASEY
I’ve been making good money.
JO
Casey.
A moment, then...
CASEY
I love the music, the make-believe. I love the people out there in the bar every night. And
when I perform for them...it’s like we all get to escape together.
JO
What are you trying to escape from, Casey? From me?
CASEY
No, baby. From me.
Georgia doesn’t bounce the rent check buying pizza. Georgia never lets anyone down.
Georgia is wise and kind and dependable. And for a few hours a day I get to be her and I
get to be those things, too. And I like how that feels. And so the way I figure it: if Georgia
comes from me, then all those things must be true about me, too somehow. And maybe...if
I keep doing this..I can one day be as good a person as she is. And I want to be.
I love her, Jo. I love all of this. Please let it be okay for me to love it.
Silence, She starts to cry.
CASEY
Oh no, baby, don’t cry. Come here, Jo. Look at me.
JO
I can’t.
CASEY
Here, lemme change // outta my--
JO
It’s not that.
CASEY
What is it, then?
JO
You’re prettier than me!
She bursts into tears.
CASEY
That’s not true!
JO
Yes it is! You’re GORGEOUS!
CASEY
So are you.
JO
No I’m not! I’m fat, I’m bloated, my face is all pimply.
CASEY
No.
JO
Pregnant women are supposed to have a glow. I don’t have a glow.
CASEY
You’re glowing right now.
JO
That’s just sweat, it’s hot in here. God, baby, you really are gorgeous.
(really starting to wail)
Everyone is prettier than me including my husband!
CASEY
Come here.
He moves her to his dressing table and wipes her

eyes. He then grabs some makeup and begins
applying it to her face.
JO
Casey, what are you...?
CASEY
If there’s anything I’ve learned in the last six months, it’s that there’s not a thing in this
world so bad that can’t be fixed with a little makeup.
It is a quick, subtle transformation.
CASEY
First time I ever saw you, I said to myself, “I’m gonna marry that girl.”
JO
You were so drunk that night, you said that to everyone in the bar, including my boyfriend.
CASEY
And it was worth getting punched in the face for. Because I was right, Wasn’t I?
JO
Yeah, you were.
They kiss.
JO
If you want to do this, do it.
CASEY
Are you sure?
JO
I knew who I was marrying even if I had no idea this is where you’d take me. If you love
this, then do it.
CASEY
Thank you, Jo.
JO
But do it like you do everything in life: with your heart fully in it, you understand me? If
I’m gonna be married to a drag queen, then he’d better be the most fabulous drag queen in
the whole wide world.
Tracy enters.
TRACY
Hey! Maggie and Brick! Some of us still got a show to put on.
CASEY
Oh yeah, sorry Tracy. Come on in. Jo, this is Tracy. Tracy, this is Jo.
TRACY
How do you do, Miss Jo. I am positively delighted to finally make your acquaintance.
JO
It’s nice to...meet you.
Not knowing what else to do in the presence of a

drag queen, Jo curtsies. Tracy curtsies back.
TRACY
Sorry to interrupt but are you gonna be doing the late show with us tonight or not, Miss
McBride? Rexy needs to gauge her alcohol intake accordingly.
Casey looks at Jo for permission. She smiles and

nods.
CASEY
Yes I will be!
TRACY
Fantastic. We’ll cancel that farewell tour.
Rexy enters.
REXY
Tracy, baby, I need to borrow some WHO THE FUCK IS THIS? Eddie’s bringing in new
girls and I’m still on probation? Bitch, I hope you don’t think you’re gonna be using this
dressing room. There’s a line for seniority and it forms behind me, okay? But that’s a nice
look, I dig it. Very Brooklyn drag. Where’d you work before here, doll?
Dead silence from Jo.
REXY
Boo, bitch!
Rexy storms off.
TRACY
Sistergirl, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into. Now come on. Let’s get
ourselves some Shirley Temples and let your husband get ready for his next show.
Tracy leads Jo out toward the bar.
Tracy stops and looks at Casey.
TRACY
Welcome home, Casey.
TRANSITION #4
Music, lights. The slickest and most well-produced

Cleo’s has yet to pull off. Eddie has spent some
money. In fact, he appears with his mic wearing a
gorgeous sparkly tux and his hair coiffed to
Liberacian proportions.
EDDIE
Hells boys! Hello girls! Hello fruits, hello fruit flies! Welcome to Cleo’s Club on Panama
City Beach! Tonight we are excited and delighted to present for your enjoyment our
fantastic new “Dragstravaganza!” Featuring Cleo’s own Miss Anorexia Nervosa as well as
our newest gaggle of drag queens, all of them of legal age this time, I promise: the Panama
Sissies! Now clutch those pearls and do some twirls and help me welcome to the stage the
stars of our show, Miss Tracy Mills and Miss Georgia McBride!!!
Cheers and screams from the crowd.
Casey and Tracy enter from the stage, having just

done a number together. They start changing into
new outfits.
CASEY
Boom, baby! That’s what I’m talking about.
TRACY
We’re going to have to put an electric fence around that stage!
Rexy scurries on.
REXY
Do either of you have any periwinkle eye shadow?
CASEY
I’ve got some, Rexy.
REXY
Thank you, baby.
Casey hands over the eye shadow.

REXY
What the fuck is this?
CASEY
Periwinkle eye shadow.
REXY
Bitch, are you colorblind? This is fairy tale princess blue. I cannot believe the
unprofessionalism around this--
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the
things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
TRACY
Keep comin’ back, baby.
Eddie enters, sees Rexy.
EDDIE
Hey! What the hell are you doing in here? Get back in your trailer!
REXY
Eddie, my straight sister...please don’t make me go back in there with those new girls.
EDDIE
I’m giving you some real responsibility here. Those twinks need supervision.
REXY
Them bitches is wild! It’s like Lord of the Flies out there and I’m the pig!
Jo enters, dressed like a stage manager. She is no

longer pregnant but is instead holding two babies in
her arms.
JO
Five minutes, please. Five minutes.
ALL
Thank you, five.
JO
Tracy, I’m moving your Judy medley up in the rotation. Rexy needs a little more time
getting into her lobster outfit.
TRACY
I am nothing if not a team player.
REXY
Thank you, baby.
Rexy exits.
EDDIE
You know, Rexy ain’t wrong about some of those new girls. I don’t know if they’re all
gonna work out.
TRACY
Don’t you worry, sugar. Miss Tracy Mills’s School for Wayward Queens has never failed
to produce a star. They’re all gonna shine.
Tracy takes the babies from Jo.
TRACY
Now hand over the little glow worms. Auntie Tracy needs some time with her godchildren.
Well, well, well...Little Elvis and Little Priscilla. I begged your parents not to name you
that. But don’t worry, babies. Auntie Tracy’s got your back. And what adventures we’re
going to have together! For you see, my darlings, life is a banquet and I think one of your
babies is trying to suckle on me. Time to go to Uncle Eddie.
Eddie takes one of the babies from her.
EDDIE
Okay if we bring the kids out to say hi to everyone?
JO
Ya’ll have fun.
TRACY
Come on babies. Auntie Tracy’s gonna teach ya how to work a crowd.
Tracy and Eddie exit.
JO
Your lips could use some touching up.
CASEY
Thanks baby.
He works on his makeup.

CASEY
Hey, you remember that house we looked at last week?
JO
With the big back yard and the magnolia tree?
CASEY
The owner left word that we could move in first of the month if we wanted. What d’ya
think?
JO
It’s a nice house. And it’s in a really good school district.
CASEY
There’s enough bedrooms for the kids...and any more that might come along.
JO
Let’s do it! Let’s go sign the lease tomorrow!
CASEY
Oh baby, we are gonna be so happy there I know it.
He takes her in his arm. They stare adoringly at one

another.
CASEY
We did it, Jo.
JO
Yeah we did, Casey.
CASEY
Okay. Time to blot.
They press their lips together to blot onto each other.

Then they pull away and look at each other. He takes
her face in his hands and looks at her lovingly.
CASEY
Just beautiful.
They kiss.
SCENE 15: FINALE
There’s a big finale with the entire cast doing a big

group drag number. It’s big and rousing and
fantastic. Perhaps there’s a confetti cannon? Yes.
Definitely a confetti cannon. END OF PLAY

Lopez, Matthew - The Legend of Georgia McBride

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Lopez, Matthew - The Legend of Georgia McBride

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THE LEGEND

A microphone on a stand dead center. A middle aged

MUSIC: Elvis Presley singing “Hard Headed

SCENE 1: CASEY AND JO’S APARTMENT

Casey is now in his regular clothes, carrying his

He opens the fridge, grabs a beer.

A slice of pizza comes flying at Casey from offstage.

JO, his wife, storms out. She is in her mid-20’s,

She throws the box at him.

Casey picks up a pizza slice.

She heads back to the bedroom.

He unzips the garment bag and pulls put the

Jo goes back into the bedroom. Casey puts on the

Casey’s now in the jumpsuit. Jo re-enters,

Jo shows him the pregnancy test in her hands.

He kisses her again.

They attack each other pawing at one another.

They are locked in tremendous passion as he carries

SCENE 2: BACKSTAGE AT CLEO’S

Casey is in his filthy dressing room, practicing an

EDDIE enters from the parking lot. He’s the owner

Eddie charges off into the bar. Casey checks himself

The parking lot door opens to reveal MISS TRACY

REXY enters behind her, huffing and puffing as she

Rexy takes a long, horrified look at the dressing

Rexy rummages through Casey’s jumpsuits hanging

Casey re-enters, still in his jumpsuit.

Rexy and Tracy take in the sight before them.

Eddie enters. Tracy rushes to him, throwing her arms

Eddie removes his sunglasses and takes Tracy in.

Eddie stares in disbelief.

Eddie stares for a moment at Rexy.

Tracy turns to Eddie before Casey can answer.

Eddie starts to exit.

Eddie and Rexy exit. Awkward moment between

SCENE 3: CASEY AND JO’S APARTMENT

Casey comes home, sinks down on the sofa. A

JASON, played by the actor playing Rexy, enters.

Casey puts the guitar away.

Jason opens two beers, hands one to Casey.

He takes her socks off. Her feet stink.

He puts on an imaginary helmet. It’s a large, heavy

Silence a moment. Then Casey picks up the guitar

THEN I FOUND YOU

BECAUSE OF YOU, MY DREAMS HAVE ALL GROWN.

She kisses him, interrupting the song.

Eddie appears with his microphone again. He is

He exits as quickly as he can, practically fleeing.

SCENE 4: BACKSTAGE AT CLEO’S/ ONSTAGE AT CLEO’S

Tracy’s number can be heard going on in the

Casey enters with a beer keg.

Eddie storms off.

Rexy makes her way unsteadily toward the clothing

Casey and Tracy pull Rexy up to her feet. Tracy

They move her toward the stage entrance.

They push her in the direction of the stage and she

Both Eddie and Tracy stare in disbelief at Casey.

Casey runs to a cardboard box in the corner just as

Eddie exits to the stage. Casey follows.

Cheers from the crowd.

Casey and Tracy look at one another.

A beat, then Casey starts to strip.

Tracy begins grabbing things off the rack for him to