THE KNOCKOUT Gy 6 wis Soe” j ; oa << y ~~ ~~ Wn i SPORTING 96 PAGES OF PUNCHY MATERIAL BELTED OUT OF ISSUES THAT TOOK A Dive!(THE FROG PRINCE)DEPARTMENTS (Order Of Their Appearance) [ANOTHER WASTE OF SPACE DEPARTMENT “Star Blecch—The (Gacck!) Motion Picture” (A MAD Movie Satire) Seeeied] DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT Early One Morning High I A Treetop 9 One Morning In A Drugstore 23 Late One Fine Afternoon On An Uptown Bus.......67 {jl ne Exenng In Nice Young Couple's House......79 One Evening In A Bus Station. ......-...00+ 2000.95 (NO CONFIDENCE GAME DEPARTMENT How Can You Trust ceed) X-POSED DEPARTMENT ‘A Collection OF MAD X-RAYvings. 2 ‘ALL KIDDING A SNIDE DEPARTMENT The Mad Nasty Book-Volume Two 5 BERG'S EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT The Lighter Side Of Air iB The Lighter Side Of Guilt ...... eas The Lighter Side Of Keeping In Touch 2 GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY DREAD DEPARTMENT Horror Movies Based On Everyday Disasters.......24 ROCKIN’ THE ROLLERS DEPARTMENT 'AMAD Look At Skating 2B JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT SPINS. Spy... 2. veces 32, B PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS DEPARTMENT Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions— Fishing Adventure 8 JOGGER-NUTS DEPARTMENT The MAD Running Primer 3 OILY ADDITION DEPARTMENT ‘MAD's All Inclusive Do-ItYourselt Energy Crisis. Newspaper Story. ere ae MINORITY RETORT DEPARTMENT Kids'Fresh New Comebacks To Parents’ Tired Old Comments GIVIN’ EM A RIBBIN’ DEPARTMENT ‘MAD Medals Of The Issue (Medical Workers) ......43 ‘AUTO NEUROTIC DEPARTMENT Things You Can Do To Remember Your Car By......44 BENT OFFERINGS DEPARTMENT ‘Some Legendary Wire Hangers. er} ‘AD NAUSEA DEPARTMENT TV Ads Weil Like To See 53 ‘A COUNT RECEIVABLE DEPARTMENT ‘Don Martin Looks At Dracula 5 LEXI “CON” DEPARTMENT The MAD Dictionary Of Cliche Parental Terms. .....57 CAPITOL GAMES DEPARTMENT ‘MAD's Plans To Make The Congressional TV Show More Entertaining. 2 bB ‘AD INSULT TO INJURY DEPARTMENT WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ‘Advertising Makes You Wonder 7 LEONARD BRENNER ecirecto THOMAS MOEKOWSKI production rector SS eaire TU Atom Dern CHARLIE KADAU, JOE RAIOLA, SARA FOWLER ociforia/ assistants MAD Laws 76 SRTOLO create consultant (WISHFUL INKING DEPARTMENT CConrapuina ARTISTS Also WourERS Newspaper Stories Well Never See 85 106 CABIN SYRUP DEPARTMENT retnaes cumear rice “Little House Oh, So Dreary" (A MAD TV Satire)... .89 MAD WINTER '86 SUPER SPECIAL NUMBER 57 Pulished by EC. Publications, FUNNY SAVING OPPORTUNITY DEPARTMENT tne. 405 MAD i 10022 Env contents Copyright © ‘An Absolutely Fabulous Offer fous. A similarity without VALET OF THE DULLS DEPARTMENT ‘Coincidence, Printed In U.S.A “Bentson” (A MAD TY Satire). 6ANOTHER WASTE OF SPACE DEPT. First, there was “Star Trek"—The (Wow!) Television Show! When it finally went off the air, millions of fans wrote the networks to put it back on! Well, the show didn’t go back on, but the “repeats” did, and they've been shown hundreds of times. A “cult-following” formed . . . fan clubs were organized . . . conventions were held. In order to satisfy all the “Trekkies” around the world, there was only one thing that could be done: Charge them all $4, $5 or $6... and PROVE once and for all that a cheap old television episode re-run is a helluva lot better than a new multi-million dollar motion picture! We're talking about . . . How come your [ff Good to see you again, "TV monitor always picks Uup the GOOD. ‘STUFF! The only sig indlord.... no, her TOP ever tar WHATEVER-YOU-CALLIT NL and she will LEAY in exactly 10 HOUR:re TAR BLECCH THE (GACCK!) MOTION PICTURE You must be veryemo- [Ml Yes, | AM emotion: tional about seeing al about seeing her the Boobyprize again, ff again! But ALSO. . Sint You've circled ‘WHERE in hell is it sixtimes already! the DOOR to get in? ARTIST: MORT ORUGKER WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO Fimmmmm! Spot. why ‘Admiral Cutt show |] This ship may be ‘have you put s0 many Glad you could youto || redesigned, but URINALS on the Bridgel? ‘be here! It's nice to have TOP BRASSBut you CANT take over this ship! I've been with her every step of the way dur ing her reconstruc ton! You don't know her! Everything has been changed around! Tedossn't matter UM tal ing over the CENTER SEAT! Even THAT'S been ‘changed! The cen- ter seat’s now the | one on the LEFT! Vim the NEW CAPTAIN, Drecker.... PERIOD! The at-be don't want ‘some AMATEUR IDIOT. risking. this ship against Impossible odds! They want '8 PROFESSIONAL IDIOT a it mani Then YOU'LL have ‘to double as Exee- tive Officer AND Well, we're going to have to replace Commander Sonar! ‘Science Officer! LAnd who's going to lean up this mess? There's no one ‘else rated on ur new engines AND Intergalac- | | this "You are all here {for a reason, and I give it to you straight! Er— let's see—there's ‘uh—hmmmm vo there's a No, Its not! 1 see them! It's Ermest Borgnine 1d Yvette mieux! Ts because tnere's an ‘ominous cloud out there in space with a stran iERGENCY'l VISUAL ON MONITORS « . Wy, that's Epsomsalts Six, our Outpost Space ‘Station! It's being struck by lightni and it’s VANISHING! Captain, look! The transporter is working again! SeerHere comes th inal member of the crew! you! | NEVER. ‘DOCTOR BECOY!! How good to see thought YOU'D volunteer againt ME?! VOLUNTEER? Some @#$%E&% put ‘2 "pay phone” sign ‘on the transporter “--and when 1 stepped inside to make a phone cal, was BEAMED here! immediate departure! ne with a "warped ‘would order "wa with new engi ‘Wow! Look at nly all those magnificent colors! So thisis what fH] That's PAINT you warp speed [| see... spiling al Ts kel over everyuhere Warp speed, nothing! We didn’t have time Navigational iia? Copta Engines cor] Yinow,Drectert Ive EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! IMMINENT DANGER SHiP We deflectors || ing loose been thinking about ‘ON COLLISION COURSE WITH ALIEN ASTEROID...! negntve|| inoperative! || tom pytona! || now WRONG wos to contro’ || “Subspace || Emerganoyt || wh ie comment = cases | ed) accel Herel You inet! || farmed ane Tebator than bso ate TARE CHARGE te Dow! not he set bat Captain Curt, may H| | speak freely, to ‘make you look like the schmuck you really are...? release my ‘seat belt! the “TORPEDO FIRE” button you just pushed! DESTROYED. ‘THE ASTEROID! GRANTED? Boy, you ‘ARE 3 sehmuck! Wes you! ean What brings you back to the Boobyprize, Spook? ‘On Vulgar, | began sensing a consciousness from a source more powerful than I've ever encountered, thought patterns of an exact ingly perfect order! | believe it emanates, {rom the intruder you seek! It may hold an answer to my subconscious turmoll! Also [missed all the great broads on this ship!Sea Wares Ravan rave CPUS MVS ‘Captain, ‘believe Uves, that] [By the Gods of UA Love Lets seo— | | vatzar they're fl ty, tats precise sending out an energy of the twelth power! with engine imbalance, Captain! |] an we're being radiated! {] seems to mada subtle change that cor: || advanced Te itpossibie that] wh2Pben rected it! Instead of having all |] mind you sit possible that | with every four engines on one side af the || "have the friendship signals || "freien aay gate Gen or eect beet a seco we're sending out are || power the ‘being interpreted as. || U.S. tries acts of hostility? to help! Captain, the intruder has Bf 'il—tlihave toe Okay!! Okay! been attempting to commun- ff] think about that! ff] We'll accept Teate with ust think "ve -Emmaa =| the charges! H] Shield protection ff] But ONLY for | facing... external THREE | power increasing! [|| MINUTES! ‘Look at that! Avessel so large, i's taken complete ‘control of our ship! semeseeny [sxecse] [raver aver wrmuoee aun] | Toheeee 1 weet bitlon megatronic |} tactical de: | FYinow, we] Wes abot ofthat high ater ete | Cee Las Ghomanec || eaclet || enone Satire na an rate win| | Saran || oomitcteeiceen | [CAPTAIN one's it, Captain? SPEAKER || away!! Someone STOP ITI! TRACTOR BEAMI! . Sterou' || oles shea oare winee’ || Pious iy toxebact sao ews: || by Fenn ga= The alien vessel s pulling us inside Itself! But, WHY?? Certainly, iit wanted to DESTROY us, it could have destroyed us OUTSIDE itself, right? ‘Atleast SHE has an EXCUSE for her act. fing! What's YOURS? Perhaps it Who is. EMERGENCY INTRUDER ALERT! ‘And who is ger? [] tne Creator Viger isthe Creator! Evidently Dreeker couldn't hold her attention... or any part of her She just came out of, his chamber witho ‘pening his door. Maybe we could arrange a date or her with the tneredible Hulk! They seem to have more in common! Thave-been-prograr med-by-V'ger-to-study- ‘the-carbon based-units thatinfestthe-U.S.5. Tknow! She F| vanished so ‘she could slip into something Boobyprize!itwas-my: luck-te-draw-the-short end-of-the stick Wea wild way-out 23rd Century idea, but it may Just work! leer has been programmed to respond to her former thought patterns! Perhaps her affection for Drecker will still be present in her programming, and he || can team something about ‘Viger" from her ‘So did I! And here are the questions: Did you SIGN for that thruster suit? When are you go- ing to RETURN it? Dic you leave @ DEPOSIT? ‘Spook, why are ‘you out here? Teame out here to seek some answers, Captain?Nournove: JL Watt Ths Voyager Vi itwas praia, when Vveger | [Satement—rjectedt teste: PP cigncit [Toineresmnerwe Bf sentcct roman ff | olsappeared trom oursigeot | | earthcarbon units reek itdoesn't oretooking at the gala, eran on 2 Veer f[say"vger | tnoproducteot “machine” planet vnc fo andittis: J Seer When! [| vats provasty Towed the orders we'd pro: ‘svgari J bushancy [| "heunverse's | allthot storable grammed into And he Nowyou- J thea,” mostinten allect il tat cite ler, WE mmustewe J itesys [Lapeciese nd ger" theietore, Weertne iPaoesnt even Seaton ow how to duet Thave the informa: 1 And | also have seven tion Viger wantstt | | boxes of lollypops. \wo pounds of fu ‘Curt-unit steno mel Landthe-entice: JP ityou ask audience-aregrowing- I me... the g restless! Yourmust- fl way todeal transmit-allinforma- tion-on-the-Creator- “is to treat toVigerimmediately! Mit IKE. Viger's:impatient! Let ME give 1 Pf [oreckerwas-atways] [ Spook... did No, Captain... we just witnessed the Vigerthe in i into-cheap thrills! we just witness fM} _birth of a brand new Motion Picture formation by J know what it | thedecinning | ART Form, where the SPECIAL EFFECTS uniting with |i] will DO to of brandnew [_are'ten times MORE INTERESTING than it, Captain! [ff you, Drecker 1! B LIFE FORM? the people, the plot and the dialogue!DON MARTIN DEPT. CORRE) QNE MORKINC BISA ON A TREE OE \ TOSYLATE,NO CONFIDENCE GAME DEPT. HOW CAN Y ARTIST: PAUL COKER, JR. “The Druggist who does both the Wildlife Guide who is the law-and-order Mayor who double- urine analysis . . . and sundaes! Covered with poison ivy sores! parks his imported $28,000 official car! he the exclusive Men's Shop Clerk who wears a dark ‘wears 1960 type narrow ties and shoes that need re-soling! bblue suit with brown shoes and white anklet socks! 10 gear a en Re Re RaeA = OU TRUST... WRITER: PAUL PETER PORGES ra ea . . The Ecologist who litters the streets with . the Airline pilot whose pre-flight check consists of kicking his pamphlets urging us to save our pulp woods! the tires, and who hangs a rabbit's foot on his instrument panel! Vy, ; i Ny e “ ‘ BAR the Suicide-Prevention the Little League Coach who has 3 sons, the Diet Doctor who weighs over Line that’s always. busy! 4 nephews and his kid sister on the team! 300 pounds and wheezes when he talks!Ta COLLECTION OF M AD Gruen ser] — [ruchr iF A BAGGAGE CLAI M AREA] robs , an (CUSTOMS,. | U-WASH-IT | LAUNDROMAT ti = egipenn/ ee 4 my dALL KIDDING A SNIDE DEPT. Awhile back (MAD #210), we presented a collection of easily memorized insults about famous people, places and things that were all designed to help even the biggest clod become an instant Don Rickles. This valuable guide to possible popularity and probable hits in the head was appropriately entitled “The MAD Nasty Book.” It was tolerated without too many reader complaints presumably botausa we promised that it would be the —% only edition we'd make you endure. But, as you may be starting to suspect, that’s the 1 nasty thing about Nasty Books. They vow you won't ever have to suffer through another one, and then they make you do it anyway. So grit your teeth and brace yourself for — NASTY BOOK VOLUME TWO ARTIST: HARRY NORTH, E50, WRITER: TOM KOCH THE KU KLUX KLAN COMPUTERS MORK & MINDY 1. ...18 comforting to watch be- 1. ...is something like a college fra- 41. ...save money for corporations cause it portrays creatures. from temity, except that its members are by passing employee errors along to other planets as being too stupid to all too dumb to get into colleg the customers to figure out. cause trouble. wears bed sheets so 2. ...are labor saving devices that 2....i§ aired by ABC. to make jon't give away their dee can be programmed to play chess Three's Company” and ‘Charlie's underneath, they all have on with each other so people won't Angels” look like intellectual pro- dresses. have to. gramming by comparison. 3. ...defends Christian brotherhood 3... require less than a second to 3. ... provides Robin Williams with by hanging anyone suspected of op- put a thousand pieces of mistaken ' perfect showcase for all one of his posing it information into alphabetical order. talents 4, ... makes a lot of speeches, but, 4. ... take faulty addition that could 4. ... enriched our culture by add- fortunately, in such a thick redneck be corrected with a pencil and put ing “nanoo-nanoo” and ‘‘shazbat’ drawl that they can’t be understood. it on tape where it’s preserved for: to the English language. 5... encourages members to put ever. 5. ....{s filled with such great actors pillowcases over their heads as a 5. ...are so intelligent that they that they're capable of covering up means of improving their appear even set the type for printing this their embarrassment over appearing ance. article this article this article on the show, 18THE AIRLINE INDUSTRY 1. ..-has no flights into. Muncie, Indiana, because that’s the airport it uses to hide your lost luggage. thoughtfully provides every passenger with a gourmet meal and 1 bart bag to throw it up into. 3. ...can fly you from the Chicago Airport to New York in less time than it takes to drive from Chicago to the Chicago Airport. 4. ...offers first. class service to those who are willing to pay 53 dol- lars extra for a free martini. 5. ...makes certain that its two flights a day between the same cities are always scheduled at 7:15 A.M and 7:30 AM THE CHRYSLER CORP. 4. .. needs to sell its remaining 1980 cars so itll have room for the 19795 that are being recalled for defects 2, ... shows great aptitude for going into some other line of production, such as raising turkeys. 3. ...is finally getting what it de- serves for making all those 1957 De- Sotos with huge tal fins. 4, . will start research on an econ- ‘omy car if we'll put up the cash by buying its left-over gas guzzlers. 5. ... had to ask the government for ‘money because no private organiza- tions specialize in rewarding incom- petence. JANE FONDA 1. ...is capable of debating world affairs with some of the deepest thinkers in Hollywood. 2. ...looks a little like Mary Tyler Moore, and sounds a lot like your strange uncle who lives in a tree. 3. ... vows to get her husband into public office, even if she has to buy him his own country. 4. to prove that she’s not like her father, who had nothing go- ing for him except talent and com- mon sense. 5. ...joins other celebrities who have become molders of public ‘opinion, such as Jerry Lewis and Smoky the Bear. f aleenliGs DOLLY PARTON 1. ....is five-feet-four-inches tal, if you count the eighteen inches of hair piled on top. 2. ...is so talented that she's fa- mous for two separate things: the right one and the left one. 3. ... got rid of her rural accent by studying at the Billy Carter School of Speech, 4. ... spent $100,000 converting a bus into a motor home because peo- ple who sing like her have to keep moving. 5. ...took a bust development course s0 no one would notice that the rest of hers fat too, TV COMMERCIALS 1... have a knack for making a 30- second message seem longer than a half-hour program. 2.... teach us that we can all achieve success and happiness, once we'stop smelling bad. 3. .... conduct comparison tests be- tween competing products so we can decide for ourselves that we don’t care which one wins. 4, ... make us wonder how doctors survive when all the medical advice ‘we need is available from neighbor- hood druggists. 5... never explain how the $4,999 cars they describe always cost $8,000 when we go to buy one PEOPLE MAGAZINE 1. ...is a great publication for those who never leamed how to read hard things, such as two syllable words. 2. .... leads its regular subscribers to assume that Eric Estrada is the most important person in the country today. 3. .. differs from the National En- quiter chiefly in the fact that it's printed on slick paper. 4.....has succeeded because a whole issue can be read during a ‘one-minute TV commercial. 5. ...provides scholarly research material for anyone writing a thesis ‘on’“The Sex Life Of Rock Musicians.”1. ...has a terrific shape, in the opinion of those who get turned on by looking at a pencil. 2. ... doesn't really have a crack in her voice; she just likes to practice yodeling while she talks. 3... wears revealing gowns in public because nothing else she does seems to attract much atten- tion 4. ... deserves the thanks of a grate ful nation for keeping Sonny Bono off welfare for all those years. 5. ...proved that only in America can broken marriages and illicit af- fairs be parlayed into fame and for- tune, PETE ROSE 1. ...holds records for hitting in 44 consecutive games and flopping in 31 consecutive TV commercials. 2. ... drives a Rolls-Royce so park- ing lot attendants won't think he's just some crude lout who uses bad grammai 3. . is one of the few active play- ers capable of joining a division ‘champ and taking it all the way to fourth place. 4. has never been injured by de- bris thrown from the bleachers be- cause, fortunately, it all hit him on the head. 5. ... isn’t concerned about. main- taining a macho image-and he'll punch any pansy in the mouth who says he is, U.S. DEPT. OF ENERGY 1. ...nopes to perfect solar power within 20 years after the last person in the country has frézen to death. 2. ... saw the 1974 Arab oil boycott coming as long ago as 1977. 3. ... thinks everyone should keep warm the same way its employees do—by shuffling papers. 4... insists that the 55 M.P.H. speed limit conserves home heating oil by keeping Americans out on the highway longer. 5. ... maintains the thermostats in its offices at 65 degrees-throughout July and August. 1, ... brags about having produced Abraham Lincoln and Dwight Eisen- hower, but. hardly ever mentions Warren Harding or Richard Nixon, 2. .... has a program to solve all the problems of 1926, in case that year fever comes back 3. ...claims that every one of its hair brained schemes is designed to whip Communism, 4. ...is totally without leadership, ‘now that John Wayne is gone. 5. ...doesn't really hate the poor; MW only Rates the’ por who organize labor unions MIKE WALLACE 1. ...has built a big audience for “60 Minutes” among viewers who hope to see him get flattened, 2. .. hopes he never gets sick be- cause he's already accused every doctor in the country of being a quack 3... intimidates those he inter- views so they'll be afraid to com- ment on his cheap hair dye job. 4. ...may be the only person in New York who is fighting mad about ‘crooked bingo games in Wyoming. 5. ...i8 upset because he can't think of any more corporations to accuse of manufacturing poison fertilizer. ABs 1. .... brags about having produced John Kennedy and Franklin Roose- velt, but hardly ever mentions Lyn- don Johnson or Grover Cleveland, 2. ... has 238 programs to benefit those who are willing to vote, but unwilling to work. 3. ...claims that every one of its hair brained schemes is designed to whip big business. 4. ...is totally without leadership, now that Shirley MacLaine has gone back to Hollywood. 5. ... doesn't really hate the rich; it only hates the rich who somehow avoid the 70% tax bracketThen why do you Jog ike this every morning!? ARTIST & WRITER: DAVE BERG Monday, | predicted “Clear The elimate around here ‘and Sunny"! It poured! On doesn’t agree with met! |°) Tuesday, | predicted “Hot -Do you have to make ‘all that racket? plsCoughi Cough ri Listen, Kid! Does your _) (Listen, lady, Does your Husband| Thate itwhen |) at least hi Mother know you smoke2!? People smoke ‘Are you erazy, blowing your ‘trumpet lke that in the middle of the night??? Do ‘you know what time it is??? [smell stale cigarette smoke! Who's been smoking?! ‘You?! But you're always bragging about how when ‘YoU grow up, you're go- ing to be a big athlete!T've got to go to the coast, ‘but haven't any idea how and when | MISS ‘and break a window... Doctor, my throat is sore, "have this constant cough, ‘and mi eyes are irritated!DON MARTIN DEPT. ONE MORNING INA DRUG STOREGIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY DREAD DEPT. ae The popular movies today deal mostly with horrible, sharks, earthquakes, upside-down ships, giant apes, f terrible, disastrous topics—things like killer living dead people, and swarms of insects. All of co OTOL OL eS ose SUDDENLY ... YOUR PEACE AND QUIET IS SHATTERED BY... IE INVASION OF THE 3a ‘Barbra Debbie Janet. = Helen—-Pat “Dorothy STRIDENT BOOM BLARE TREBLE LOUD LOUDER “ Linden WithA Special Guest Appearance By ROCK HUDSON As Gunga DIN Miss Strident's Wardrobe Based On A Story _Directed By by Bill BLAST By Saul BELLOW — Orson WAILS. Sy Doomed Souls, Trapped In A Terrible Hell With NO END IN SIGHT! SEVEN SISTERS PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS THE LONG « GAS LINE Starring : Glenn Chita CHEVY CHEVETTE MERCEDES CADDY MERCURY Deborah FORD RIVIERA Chase Mimieux McCambridge Grant Morris & Car 4, Maria Alan MOBIL GETTY Vittorio Gregory with SHELL ARCO Mercer Davis & Gasman "© oprc Screenplay By Based On A Speech By Produced And Directed By Mario PEUGEOT “Abraham LINCOLN’ Carlo PONTIAC Hear The Hit Song “Tanks For The Memory” Sung By Lou ROLLSwhich makes us wonder—Why make movies about such day true-life horrors we can really relate to? Let unbelievable things when there are so many every- us develop this absurd premise for you with these EVERVDAYIDISASTERS ARTIST: JACK RICKARD “WRITER: FRANK JACOBS IDEA BY: MICHAEL J. SNIDER, IT'S BACK... To Torment You. Their Watchword Is TERROR! eos ‘Embarrass You,,-Disgust You! Their Weapon Is FEAR!! OTS F. Lee BELLY PBL presents Their Target Is YO! padi 1040 PRODUCTIONS PRESENT ws. THEY CAME FROM 7*=*SK 3K OK THELR.S. Xieee (Mua) PUT a rey STARRING: Edie Robert George Robert GOURMET SNACK GOBBLE GULP starring: Barbara Ray Blythe Regis TAK AUDIT ene | SHECKLES HERSHEY BULGER DINNER TUMMY Von Sydow Murphy Dun & Green cmTe with: Senta Oscar E.G. Larry Pony Mike Myron Lorne 5 ; a RSTn Re GRE aT ACee BURGER WEINER MORSEL STARCH Screenplay BasedOnA Music _ Orchestra Produced by BUCK Henry _Directed by David LIEN By StoryBy By Conducted By Hear The Hit Song “Everything I've Got Is Theirs” George Rex FATS Charles ‘Sung by Johnny CASH PLUMPTON STOUT Waller. = MUNCH “They've spared no expense!”—Business Week “Fills the scree -Weight Watcher's MagazineHuman Zombies In A Terrifying World Of Darkness! Seance Oct PANASONIC PICTURES PRESENTS RIP OFF PICTURES PRESENTS THE he hac REPAIRMAN ‘ Syria wettaey 8a ee Cit ee loa) THEY PAY THE PRICE? ert GE. SYLVANIA ‘Anna ZENITH Starring : SONY Pesturing Bono Marshall * Mangano * MAGNAVOX * Bethune Vincent _ BILL Meryl James with Don KNOBS Red BUTTONS Lorretta SWITCH PRICE "Cosby STEEP "CON and featuring Adam WESTINGHOUSE as “Black Man” Bert PARTS and Rod LABOR Screenplay By Gore VIDEO & Truman KAPUT “You'll get a big charge out of it!” =National Inquirer Based On A Remark By Coco CHANNEL It Disappeared Into Space... Never To Return! THE Lost FILLING #3 LZ.VA elena gas — a starring: Dick. Monty 4 Rita 4 ROOT 4 Jeff Bucky TheNY. ,, cavity © HOLE © GUM © Gordon ° BRIDGE ° peNTURE ©& yANKERS — “Hardbitten drama that’s Screenplay By Based On The Book By From A Remark By ‘Music By pa OgdenGNASH Clare TOOTH LOOSE AL CAPS GustavMOLAR Pure gold! DON'T MISS THE EXCITING OPENING! oesTheir Pleasure Is Your Horror! Your Life Will Never Be The Same After... STARRING: Arlene Michael J. Ret Alain You May NEVER Want To Use Your Phone Again ... After You've Been Put... ON HOLD TONE DIAL CALL RING E. Roberts ® Waggoner @ Malden e O’Starr Lucille g Ruth g WAIT Virginia BELL BUSY Newton “ WAIT “A film you can really get hung up on!” —The New York Times THE DAWN OF THE BORING GUEST Td Delores Dom DULL © DULLARD e DULLEA © DULLON © DULL RIO DULLOUISE DULLEFONTE Screenplay By Gore VIDULL @ Directed by Roy DULL RUTH @ Produced By Dino DULLARENTIIS Days Of Agony! Nights Of Torture! CONGESTED PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS that’s anit around A STARRING: AIL, HOARSE | Candy | FLU MacGraw ™ Bucholz ~ BARF ™ Ferrigno Loretta Mery! = CHILL Guy SWEAT * STREP * Wills * MEDICINE with a cameo appearance by DRISTAN Hoffman THIS MOTION PICTURE IS RATED “VIRUS X” “tvll make you sick to your stomach!”.A.M.A. JournalROCKIN’ THE ROLLERS DEPT, EN [D) I Moc. [LSo OR Se masAlfred E.Neuman for PresidentJOKE AND DAGGER DEPT.SNAPPY ANSWERS TO STUPID QUESTIONSJOGGER-NUTS DEPT. Remember how, in the past, the only people who did any running were football players, purse-snatchers and guys discovered in the wrong bedroom? Well, nowadays, it seems as if everybody's running. Some folks say it's because there's a new emphasis on health. We can't buy that. People have always been running for their health. Did you ever see what happens to football players or purse- snatchers or guys discovered in the wrong bedroom when they got caught?! So whatever the reason, everyone is running today, and that means it's time for us to bri Chapter One See the people run. Run, people, run. Why are they running so early? Because at this time of day, ‘The human body is most receptive ‘To physical stimulation. Because the bracing dawn air Is ideal for imbuing the human body With the glorious spirit of lie. And besides, at 5:30 A.M., ‘There's very little in the human body ‘Tothrow up! ARTISTJACK DAVIS WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL Chapter Two THE CAMARADERIE OF RUNNING Here is another, yup of runners. Why do runners ik like to run in groups? Because they are convivial people. Because they have things to say ‘Tp one another as they run. Important things like, “aa Ee gee brek te Pyucchl? And the ever-popular, “How much #§%é&in' longer Do we have to go?!” 8Chapter Three ‘THE MAGIC AURA OF RUNNING See yet another group of runners. See the radiant glow on their faces. See their muscles ripple and bulge. See their bodies glisten with healthy sweat. ‘You can’t escape the charisma of runners. ‘You can’t escape the exhuberance of runners. See the man in the middle of the group Gasp for air and fall to his knees. You can’t escape the smell of runners! Chapter Four RUNNING FOR HEALTH A ' See how healthy this runner is. Not long ago he was a 200-pound mass Of disgusting flab. ‘Then he started running. He's been running 15 miles a day For over a year. Now he's a 200-pound mass of coiled steel. “Wait a minute!”, you say. “Ifhe’s been running 15 miles a day For over a year, how come he still ‘Weighs 200 pounds?” ‘That's because although he’s lost 40 pounds, He's also acquired two 20-pound foot blisters! Chapter Seven FAMILY RUNNING See the married couple Running with their 4-year-old child. ‘The married couple has been running ‘Together for over five years. Running is their whole life, Z ‘They are running fanatics. 4 When they are not working or sleeping, ‘They are running, running, running. They plan budgets while they're running. They discuss problems while they're running. They have fights while they're running ‘They do everything while they're running. Incase you're wondering How they had their child, Hovican road all about it in pages 78 through 85 Inthe upcoming edition of “The Guinness Book Of World Records”. Chapter Eight EXERCISING IN THE CITY See the man in jogging clothes. See how he has trouble breathing, Notice how his heart is pounding. See the pain on his face. For over an hour, he's been running. ‘This is known as exercising in the city, See the man in the Gucci clothes. See how he has trouble breathing. Notice how his heart is pounding. See the pain on his face. For over an hour he’s been attacked By pollution traffic, and muggers. is is known as living in the city.Chapter Five Chapter Six PROLONGING YOUR LIFE THE BOREDOM OF RUNNING See this man, He once had a heart attack. Now he's in terrific shape. Now he’s probably prolonged His life about 20 years. Now he has wonderful things ‘To look forward to. Like his daily chest-pounding, Lung-throbbing, pulse-hammering, ‘Throat-wheezing 12 mile runs, There's only one thing ‘More boring than running. And that's listening to runners ‘Talk about running. See the runners passing that milkman. ‘Their conversation is putting him to sleep. - Well, we have good news See the runners passing that policeman. And bad news for him. ‘Their conversation is putting him to sleep, too. ‘The bad news is: He may still Listen to what the runners are saying. Get another heart attack. ‘They're talking about their new running shoes. ‘They're discussing their new jogging outfits. ‘Their boasting about ther stamina. They're saying... Yawn... UL TLULLLULLLLELLLILLLLELLLLLLED, t_oe Chapter Nine Chapter Ten THE HIGH OF RUNNING MARATHON RUNNING The good news is: Ifhe gets it While he’s running, He'll probably never know The difference. See the look of supreme joy On this runner's face. ‘See how he is at peace with himself, His God, and his world. ‘See how he is enveloped in rapture. See how he exudes pure bliss. This is known as the “high” of running. When do runners experience this "high"? Whenever they run ten brisk miles In the solitude of a brightening dawn Ina lush, green park Without once stepping in doggie-doo. See the huge crowd of runners. My There are over 1,000 of them. What are they doing? ‘They are running in a Marathon Race. Watch them today as they aim For the biggest thrill in their lives: ‘Torun 26 long torturous miles. ‘Then watch them tomorrow in their cars ‘ As they battle each other for parking spots =22 In frontof office buildings a0 that, Ged forbid, ‘They shouldn’t have to walk a block to work. aOILY ADDITION DEPT. Every day there seems to be another newspaner story more confused trying to figure out ing with the energy crisis. And every day we get and how we're supposed to" deal w MAD’S ALL-INCLUSIN ENERGY CRISIS pening ——) —— face a severe shortage of ___()__, mal ry than the White House announced today. The crisis, which the Gor could ___@)___. —___@) isa result | fos tien ae , brought on as “es ae oe ad Citizens are being asked to____(g)— and to_| reroa. ——_@——_. ——_@ —_. Tie Preaident | 2 Basi said he will soon ——i) and is contemplating | ,,7 tna. ee which ¥ ment fo 5 ‘than or? inato \Wnvren: FRANK JAcons ie 8. 9. in the Middle East use mass transit drive in Iran phone Prince Faud fill up in Congress die early bathe in the War of 1812 build their own reactors run naked on Three Mile Island read the 23rd Psalm breathe in Studio travel by ricksha evacuate on the street where you live sleep with their clothes on get: stoned in “Airport 79” reincarnate as sparrows walk their clones in Jerry Brown's camper avoid sex phone Grandma on the yellow brick road free their slaves crawl on all fours at the Indy 500 tie up their children wander lonely as a cloud on public television buy Ethiopian conceive‘no need to wade through long articles any more, because MAD is now, once and forall, wrapping up the entire gneray mess. Simply fil in the numbered blanks from the corresponding numbered lists, and you'll have . . . /E DO-IT-YOURSELF i; Motorists Home-owners Balloonists Geminis Mouth-breathers Whigs Gay doormen Sinus sufferers All states but Georgia Unwed furriers Dwarfs Ted and Linda Feingold 4, service stations the West Coast the Alaskan Pipeline scenic lookouts Krypton Warren Beatty’s fun room Middle Earth six stamp clubs in Wichita Boys Town Al’s Pizzeria Monday Night Football The King Tut Exhibition 10. only when necessary in groups of five during reruns of “Benson” at 55 miles an hour when Mars squares Saturn with a trained squirrel only on Arbor Day with Howard Baker during “60 Minutes” during months having an “R” at reduced temperatures when it’s Miller Time 2 gasoline heating oil cocaine warm Dr. Pepper leadership energized gravel see-through dickeys non-stick bubblegum calcium effective deodorants soy sauce good news Ds reduced imports Arab greed gas-guzzling Mopeds the Susan B’ Anthony dollar powerful trolls careful planning “Tip” O’Neill’s biorhythms the Scarsdale Diet Miss Piggy’s nose-job the Great Depression rolling double sixes man’s inhumanity to man re address the nation set up guidelines tear up his Exxon card close Utah resort to groveling burn whale blubber back Teddy Kennedy convert to buffalo chips become a Moslem be nicer to Mondale’s niece admit he is a droid have his teeth bronzed 3. close down bankrupt put the screws to take the fun out of clean up blow the lid off end diplomatic relations with unionize give the Mafia control of bring back vaudeville to stop those whispers about inspire a TV series about 6. anti-American feeling lack of refineries sloppy drilling longer coffee breaks smelly truckers a Darth Vader look-alike an obscene phone-call a savage game of “Go Fish” the sky falling the ghost of Howard Hughes enraged shepherds Werner Erhard showing up die gas rationing resigning his navel the return of the horse suicide unleashing Billy traveling by Greyhound renting out Camp David pardoning Schlesinger out-of-body travel a roller-disco in the Oval Office living under an assumed nameMINORITY RETORT DEPT. ‘Most young people look forward to the time when they'll be grown up and their parents will stop showering them with the same old trite words of caution, instruction and advice that they've heard almost every day of their lives. Well, forget it! Chances are that when you reach forty, Mom and Dad will still be counseling you to drive slower, dress warmer, and KIDS’ FRESH NEV PARENTS’ TIRED oH “What To Tell Your Daneat When ne Tell Oo N 1 promise, Pop! in fact, | already Don't let me cate pe herd ee recuane nyse, my new ear tying [1] have plans to smash it up trying to ‘you diving off fering the fact that | can barely to drag race it back it out of the driveway without ‘that high board!t ‘swim ... and I would drown for sure! ‘someplace! ‘opening the garage doors first 1 ARTIST: PAUL COKER, JR. ‘Okay, Pop! But since you feel so strongly about it, lot of junk food you can go to that and. ‘your friends! But |] maybe you's better chip ‘ot smell any liquor on your in another quarter breath when you get home! for some breath mintsstop hanging out with the wrong crowd. However, there is a way to escape those well-meant parental clichés you've heard a thousand times. The trick is to make your folks realize that their words of “wisdom” are unnecessary, meaningless and downright silly. And to put your point across so you won't get clobbered, MAD furnishes you with tactful examples of V COMEBACKS TO OLD COMMENTS ot To Do Something You Weren't Going To Do Anyway” Wow, tdon't want you getting home at any 2:00 A.M., young lady! Really? Tercifi was afraid yo Stanley kept me out all night! WRITER: TOM KOCH =: does that mean you stay Now, don’t just eave your bike If What?! And risk having my parked in front while you're in | | perfectly good chain cut the movies! Use your chain to. | | in two by a marauding gang. lockit to a telephone Of telephone pole thieves Remember what | told 7 Mom! That's why Harold you! Boys don't respect [| and I have decided to skip our rls who fool around ‘and‘And don't you dare walk in here with wet feet and track Up my elean floor when you come home! “The next time you slam Jp] Gee, Mom really think you'd better that door when you wouldn't do th break up with ifr, Dea me i, I'l sereamlt might bother the neighbors! you keep far away from that playground bully who eto.a pulp again made you get dirt all over [IMJ it | promise to take my your new shirt yesterday! shirt off first, Mom?GIVIN' EM A RIBBIN’ DEPT. Why restrict the awarding of medals to the military? After all, Civilians per- form heroic acts while fighting life’s daily battles as well! Let’s recog e them with THIS ISSUE’S PROPOSED MAD MEDALS . .. TOBE PRESENTED TO DESERVING MEDICAL WORKERS THE FETID FOOD CITATION For bravely facing without fear the varbal wraih and physical abuse of hospital patients while courageously Producing inedible food so patients ‘won't overeat and get tummy aches. For heroically risking life and limb in order to race patients to the hos- bial emergency roo place is hope the patients won't even be looked at for eight or nine hours at the least. THE WINGED BILL MEDAL promptness above and beyond beliet sending out bills so that patients sd not suffer the agony of delay in arranging loans, or selling their cars fr homes to raise money to pay them. THE SCREAMING SIREN MEDAL , even though the lessly overcrowded and THE STONE HEART AWARD. For gallantly treating all patients— regardless of race, color or creed— with equality . . . which means never ever showing favoritism such as being Sweet, considerate and understanding. THE SILVER BEDPAN AWARD For ignoring the selfish screams of emergency patients while faithfully carrying out the vital job of filling out Blue Cross forms. As many of the patients will die, cate whims would be a waste of time anyway. to theirCHANGE THE SPRINGS ON YOUR LIVING ROOM SOFA INSPECT YOUR NEW REFRIGERATOR ———— EVERY DAY FOR DENTS OR SCRATCHES GE aS a - a AUTO NEUROTIC DEPT, THANKS TO THE GASOLINE SHO TO GIVE UP DRIVING ALTOGE! THINGS YOL REMEMBER | CHANGE YOUR OIL BRING TWO FOLDING CHAIRS TO YOUR DRIVE-IN MOVIEDO AJACKRABBIT START AND ACCELERATE FROM PUT SEATBELTS ON YOUR NEW BARKER 0-T0.5 MILES PER HOUR IN A SUPERMARKET AISLE LOUNGER, AND THEN NEVER USE THEM re ~ ) be LET SOMEBODY BACKSEAT-NAG YOU ON A TANDEM BIKE RTAGE, SOMEDAY WE MAY HAVE ; HER. HERE, THEN, ARE SOME eG y } GAN 00 10 OUR CAR BY EAT SOME JUNK FOOD OFF A TRAY GET YOURSELF A PORTABLE C.B. AND A NEW C.B. HANDLE HANGING OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW eyTHE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME’S, THE FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER'S WIRE HANGER WIRE HANGER ZORRO'S: WIRE HANGER RONALD McDONALD’ 's DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE’S ‘WIRE HANGER ‘WIRE HANGER SNOW WHITE'S d LADY GODIVA'S WIRE HANGERS ‘WIRE HANGERam 2h WA yo ee TOULOUSE-LAUTREC’S ROBINSON CRUSOE AND FRIDAY’S. WIRE HANGER WIRE HANGER MMi THE ROTO-ROOTER MAN'S WIRE HANGER THE THREE MUSKETEER’S ALFRED E. NEUMAN’S: WIRE HANGER WIRE HANGERDON'T BE FUELISH! YOUR ROOM AND PICK UP ‘THAT HISTORY BOOK!Tthink that t] [Maybe its because I didn't Police Car is think that unmarked ear) (They're probably Inspectorsil stop long enough at the “Full ahead is watching ust} | Th ‘Stop” sign!? Or maybe it's following us! because I went through that yellow light?! Whatever itis, | think we're in BIG TROUBLE! 1ey might have observed us ‘taking 2 snooze! Or maybe ‘accepting that free lunch! Whatever itis, | think BLE! How long have you been seeing !ES ‘Oh, you PIG! You ARE | { Why should | let someone right! | eatingitatter aim | [ELSE in the family suffer?!‘Oh, yest He was dsabediont, For one thing. Fm Bigger my HAND HURTS] Sonya fee! . Fo LIKE THE Dev absolutely awful! | [it -. = losing my temper! But the [just spanked our] most important thing is ‘That's GREATHL Why aren't you jumping with joy?! S01 looked away and there was || this “Guilt a This morning, Joan Glicker ‘Sol turned away, and my ‘caught my eye, and eyes fell on Mary MeVoom ed having all those sexual ‘and her gorgeous figure! Ellen Zing—and ‘And {was thinking about hhow I'd like to make it with her, wherTwas demonstrating ‘against Nuclear Pow: ‘Because RADIATION ‘causes CANCER! There are times when | look ‘ata poor man like that and | get pangs of conscience! But then there are times when | say, “Why doesn’t (Of-oht | just dented fender of that was pulling out of the parking space! | think |] Besides, it ‘maybe | ought todo | | happens to something aboutit...1} | be the law! When you're right, you yr are right! 1 DO itt 1DIo itAD NAUSEA DEPT. sa'@ ADS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ARTIST.JACK RICKARD WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO THE CANNONBALL AE-1 AD 2 When | shoot a professional like Tenai Pro John Newcrumb, | use a profess Do you know me? My face may seem Here's your familia, but Ill bet you don't today, I'm Martin Arbagi! T pres diamond and know my name! That's why I'm glad " gold wateh, ‘Mr. Arbagt THE WHISK DETERGENT poe Hey, look! That's not the ONLY ring ight you caught! You've got RING AROUND THE COLLAR!Mai | LOOKS AT... wKs % iyLEXICON" DEPT. THE MAD DICTIONARY OF CLICHE PARENTAL TERMS |ARTIST: PAUL COKER WRITER: BARRY LIEBMANN ATHEIST that kids today iknow the value of. FRIENDSGROWN UP ‘An ambiguous term that applies to you whenever your parents want . . but not when you want to drink, smoke, stay up you to clean up your room, take out the garbage, or get a job . . ail'night, or perform any other “adult activities.” HEAD ‘Something you would probably lose if ‘Where you're probably lying when you ‘What your parents want you to be, even % fe cattain thn it wasn’t aitached to your shoulders. failto come home at a ceriain time, atthe expenve of making you miserable. HEART ATTACK HIGHWAY ROBBERY IMMATURE ya, 1 ° . : A What you're always giving your Mother A cutsey parental phrase that pops up ‘The way you're behaving whenever ‘when you're not doing what she expects. whenever you ask for your allowance. you're acting normal for your age. IMMORAL INDEPENDENCE JUNK AAA parental evaluation of any gil who ‘Something parents want you t likes to walk around without a bra whenever they're too lazy to help you. the food you eat and the TV you watch. ssert ‘A description of the clothes you wear,JUVENILE KNOW-IT-ALL_ DELINQUENT - ‘Any friend of yours ‘who's smoking pot. Parental term given to kids who are ‘more intelligent than their parents. MIND | What you're driving your parents out of, when you're playing your records too loud. “NO!” NOISE \ For a daughter, the only ‘means of birth contro. PARENT ‘Any pice of music writen after 1943. ‘An excuse for any unreasonable rule or regula- tion. (ie.: “Because I'm a parent, that's why!”) ‘Your parents’ idea of what will go on at that party you want to have. PERFECT ANGEL ‘What you were before you grew up to this: LUXURY ‘Any item your parents never had when they were young, strived all theif lives to give you, and you don't deserve, NERVOUS BREAKDOWN Something parents are always in danger of having whenever kids start making sense in an argument. ‘What every Father suddenly wants to be with his Son after the divorce. PERFECT FIT ‘A description of any piece of clothing that’s three sizes too big, so you can grow into itPERSONALITY PERVERT fl NY ‘What ugly daughters Your parents’ descript Something parents got from Something you would jump off of, always have pleoty of. any guy who drives a theit kids in the old days, if your friends jumped off, too. SKINNY SIXTEEN SMART-ALECK SORRY -_ ‘Any Jewish or Italian child who is les your Father Any child who asks his parents What you'll be when you Slighily thinner than Orson Welles, had to walk to school. a question they can't answer, ave kids of your own. SPOILED ROTTEN SUCCESSFUL TALKING BACK Any child over the age of twelve ‘What your parents want you to be so ‘Making a statement that doesn't coi who isn't earning his own living, ‘THEY won't be considered failures. ‘with your parents’ own opinion or THANKS TIME TRAMP TREES Pec | ES e- - -<€ ‘What your parents never ‘What your parents never seem to have any at your parents say seem to get enough of. of when you bring up the topic of “sex.” any girl you bring home. money doesn't grow on. ETC., ETC., THERE'S NO NEED TO GO ANOTHER PAGE WITH THIS! YOU GET THE IDEA!-MALET OF THE DULLS DEPT. In the early days of television, there were two popular situation comedies. One featured a wise-cracking child named “Dennis The Menace,” who always outwitted his bumbling parents, and the other featured a wise-cracking maid named “Hazel,” who always outwitted her bumbling employer. Well, TV has come a long way since audiences were amused by those crude attempts at humor. This year, one of the top new comedies features a wise-cracking child and a wise-cracking butler who are always outwitting the bumbling Governor of an entire State. So step into the “Sophisticated Eighties” and join us for a MAD version of a typical episode of Bentson ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES WRITER: TOM KOCH ut Your job applica: Then Tm sure Whatityou had MY _—! Worse Thats tion says you're rc job? | play a typ- Thave because IRL FRIDAY! : 1S household staff! ‘Does that mean you shoes, Hold it, now! Us have tomake coffee | | wipe hi Black folks don’t «and remind the Row pe Governor about his Yeah, and | ALSO on TVany moret |_| appointments... and f¥ do amusing sheers = It's a demeaning 'o his Christmas ‘and double take stereotype! shopping foHow could any: Easyi We told the voters he had PRESI- | Hit rm Katie. the Interesting ‘thing like HIM. | | DENTIAL QUALITIES! That meant he grins Governor's precocious But—but i's vir you should be elected like Jimmy Carter, stumbles ike Jerry | 83 child! ve think of Ford and sweats a lot ike Richard Nixon! gota bigger vocabulary that! Our than Howard Cosell and Producers ‘higher LQ. than who and Writers ‘Albert Einstein! never did! ‘These are your household duties for tomorrow, Bentson! In the Iss zis Bentson... meet WU” Since 19451 | re. Helio? No, Warden! The Governor zee flunky || Miss Krauseheimer! ] member because she CAN'T take any calls tomorrow Younired |] "'Sheebeen our” ||"showed upwearing | night rom men Ooaging for ist out’ |] ‘setGockior [ls blonde mpand'e riven Pe cecine [[_manytany years ff “ttuo pick moe sche everyday Hier cappecret my hokay first?“Those men want —"— No. our affection for todiscussa [>] the Sheik of Rajput! He's matter more Visiting our State, and in your field! ect = Who ELSE can ask? Miss the proper respect! What || should Ido, Bentson ...? Tithe Sheik really Bentzun come kvick Zee WT don't know! But ‘gets mad, he'll have shtarvink LETTUCE PICKERS [~] can’t run zee whole his goons muss up lund zee ECOLOGISTS undt, Shtate vile you're ‘your hair and rumple CHANE FONDA are all tryink | | here yakkink, undt | ‘your suit, Tralert to.climb over zee front gate!_| | zee Governor iss up- Shtairs playin vit |\ Tell the Sheik that What do you want ME to do?? | | his Lincoln Loget!_ | \ | ust reconsidered! N Youmean |[ No... [Why do you sup you need ose we always, time to ‘come into the || we're kitchen in the ‘middle of the night at the talking about! ‘exact same 5 time each week? airs a mea epee O (aI Kutie's prob: lems always become real tear-jerkers wien we point ut that she's ‘2 motherless child, and I'm all she has! Tied to send her to refused to take her Nol That's about it Big deall The Sheik’s threatening tomake the whole world explode if we don't entertain him tonight! What's with her. 27 ‘She's threatening to Well, Kutie says he'd never | ‘got away with that bluff if Winston Churchill were stil in charge instead of youl! Night” this evening! er: | Lg 7#0 fs Inks Ge Py . VM not in charge! ‘Your FATHER Is supposed to make You'll scare the child to deatht! as the Shelk wants and hold that Reception tonight! To avoid risk ing the loss of ‘the people ‘only tune in to see Kutie become even more adorable as she bravely accepts Ze Sheik of No, vita big shovel ee ee reais Ss a eetee ee eer at Seood it Be] caeteraccuites | | souey oceansn | sift for ze ‘after an elephant with rush over here wit A tn | | metal detector ‘a motal detector? Okay just tke the elephant! I'l be then tir | [ Well...s0 ‘much for the tearful ‘scone where you bravely ‘accept diss appointment!Zee Sheik iss due ‘any time now! It ‘ss gudt you could help us vit zee last minute prepar- ations, Governor! Tsure hope its Have you noticed how being | | not in the SOUTH! ‘a Governor never seems to ‘ake up any of my timert?_| [With my big mouth, H | could bein big trouble! Those jive turkey mutts better wateh who they're messin’ with! respected Ch of State! Ot wise, you people ‘might REALLY treat me rotten! Hil Are you the guy who's threatening to do all those ter ible things to us If don't act nice? iWe're going tomy “And 1 get to mess with his Yeah, but your Xerox, too! Boy, | haven't boss sure seems %0 seen so much neat stuf in to be an awful ‘one place since my Son's nerd. wt ean push to make Bureauerats come PARENTS’ NIGHT! Tsn't this work: But you told me ing out nicely! nobody could go phoned the teacher | | to Parents’ Night ‘and saidwe'd be | | because the fat bringing a distin. guy in the bed Buished foreign || sheet would get Visitor with ust Noat-ol At Parents” Night in my Country, the kids just make that Daddy used || little displays by when hewas stil| | _ piling their gold t_| | bars on their desks! 79 emcee —— Iesgreat.-. sharing] [ On, came from REAL BIG Teantbeleve 'vecometoa [| shpnits | Yooroot | moments ite tis wth || anayt infact, went to Parents’ Night fora VENTRIL- [=| justa cameo |) | Bentson! | “loved nest yours work for YOU just 20 '6 GQuIsTs GUMMY This isthe L- appearenceto ||| “were | comeroma bigfamily, | | GET AWAY from them! But Grazie thing we've done ye!_[Q] help Benton! || | heret you'd understand they etl around! Look! aN7} but NO... the voters ‘didn't want that! CAPITOL GAMES DEPT. t Hf you don’t switch. he Hil We're four channel quichly, you" wild and crazy t ‘SATURDAY | By now, you've all seen this season's itch new TV shows, and you're all convinced || NIGHT ALIVE. the TV Industry has hit bottom, right? [| prime Contressionet Paneer: Wrong! Because guess what's coming to SESE the tube! The U.S. Congress! Soon, the Networks are going to start televising our Law Makers in action. Anyone who's (4 ever visited Washington and sat through a dreary session of Congress knows that [im this new program is in serious trouble! How can our Legislators compete with blockbusters like “Laverne & Shirley” or “Three's Company”?! We think we've got an idea that may help! Mainly ARTIST: JACK DAVIS. TV SHOW MORE ‘Good evening. and welcome to. @ Pronght, weve gotour hidden camerainthe] [P'ymrseemn ‘Ont leon “CANDID CONGRESS" the show gi J ofces of Sen. Olden Lecherous, and wove | J yr; Seman, verts back ‘that really takes you behind employed a sexy lady to apply for 300 office! There's into a sofa? the senesn Washington ath | cone B. land shows you someof your 'Myname is Fanny [h-Step into my private |. | “buts aeDit lected Representatives in Foxiady and Ploffice, Missy Foxslady, their unguarded moments... .! Hand we'll go overce "\ \was RAE} Tjust got back | (Cimon, get] | Okay, let's get And ave em from New York! outta here! | | down to business! [4 we || ANOTHER lousy |; What awildand |) That was Or, as they say deal?! New York crazy town! A bum | | no BUM! inPolitics—But |p| it |G isn'tworth the ‘comes uptome || thatwas seriously, folks! 124 bucks we gave an’ asks forsix || MAYOR Shall we bail New {tothe | ‘em foritthe ‘million dollars!_| | KOCH! ‘York out again?” | | 1f)_Finst Time! | NGRESSIONAL SoMa be WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE [ Senator, | That's okay! I can get all How can you talk "ACAMERAI?! “Thank God! The voters ‘Oh, nots Thawee'| | seit want need shout mor at AM emtart cae ess canes} | ‘aerate, lige, Te he ti! ineeia® ff dgout shite hany- wet woman fe you that theres? pang! Why trac ‘ican relate to! Being a || muror Theres a CAMERA rabiad ya 9d | | Senator is a thankless job! Lthere? behind it! Neither! 5 | [Seer lana tn ton Be || Youreon || sImycolectues! Sut ‘CANDID. ‘the CIA, or the FBI— conGRESs”! | | that couls be ruinouOn your mark. get et 7AS OU know, both Houses of Congress Toc TV's tuntleg °ALL- STAR CONGRESSIONAL EVERY. THING GOES"! Today, we've ota team from the United Sibtes Senate ready to face cit witha team fromthe suse of Representatives! So stay tuned for the riotous fun, folk ‘passed legislation recently, giving them- selves fat salary increases! Which ever side wins today’s competition will have its version ofthe bill enacted into law! This is Howard Coolsel |welcoming you to "MONDAY INIGHT POLITICS”! Tonight's| confrontation over the Energy Bill Iooks like another classic battle between these traditional rivals, the GOP Pachyderms and the Democratic Mul itthat the Republ EW THE TAXPAYER! Tooay Theainen win the GOP Whip; Te $onolr rom the Badger Stake, Wises, vin aeyoval kein the tough Bg Tet | put to nm tet rumor has nes Tego to spring buster 7! Shredder Race"! Each of our competitors is blindfolded! He then has to hide incrimin- ating documents somewhere on his persor rawi across a greased pole suspended 0 shredder! And just to add a litle excite- ‘ment, we're using material from the person- ‘al FBI ile on each contestant! So there's your incentive, guys! Now, do a good job! the party of| y dilatory tactics, such as speaki toconsume time! “The rules of our game are simple! Even a child, ‘or a Congressman can understand them! pick @ Representative rom gach ie ofthe aisle to compete for our Prize is... A2E zie His Slate YO wy Okay, | pickGay a ee - = ps! Tt was a tough fight, That's right! We all felt | [ Besides! | 2” Congress: andeven though we || itwould be insane to risk | | There's | Stay with itt @ Representatives lost, || losing abig fat pay hike | >| ple + we stil fee like because of a stupid game! more |S H winners because athe | [Sows promised the winners |) where |< HH “Dwele agement wo. | {would add an amendment to [*) THAT . Flmade witeine Senators| | their bill giving an equal. [x] came [ee iefore the contest!” | | pay increate tothe losers! || fromt_| a AP "il goatong wath that, | Howard ‘We seem fo be running out of time, so, the Home States of BOTH of our lucky Contestants get a 26 million dollar dam! Because we're playing Washing: ton’s favorite game where everyone wins expect—you know whol! Let's hear it! The name of the game is ‘Sorry we can only choose two to play. but we have some consolation prizes for the rest of you! First, everybody gets a $57,000 salary, .a'$7000 personal expense account, and 33 all. ‘expenses-paid round trips to your Home States! You also get $2250 for incidentals and a free suitcase, a $6650 stationery allowance, plus unlimited free mailings plus $6000, unlimited free phone calls and free Medicare and drugs! aR a ‘Okay! You also get $225, hire a staff... plus free office '$27,000 for furniture free flowers from the Botanical Gardens... and $2.00 haircuts! we) Va : ©‘AD INSULT TO INJURY DEPT. Advertising has become so unbelievable that we no longer advertisers has lost all touch with reality. Se we just expect products to cost as little or perform as well as browse through magazines or stare glassy-eyed at TV and we're promised they will. In fact, the approach taken by et the sponsors’ incredible claims flow right past us * ADVERTISING MA ARTIST: JACK DAVIS. ADVERTISING MAKES YOU WONDER... ADVERTISING MAKES YOU WONDER... SS v7 Ee Whether anyone in real life would actually . what the banning of cigarette commercials on radio waik into a crowded drug store and loudly start and TV has proved, except that the tobacco companies discussing his hemorrhoids with the pharmacist can save advertising money and still sell their products! ADVERTISING MAKES YOU WONDER... ADVERTISING MAKES YOU WONDER SP SS wees Wd ..- Why stores only offer real bargains at their “Going ‘why a politician would spend $10,000 on a ‘Out of Business” sales when they wouldn't have had to go full-page newspaper announcement to tell you ‘out of business if they'd lowered their prices earlier! he's a poor man in need of your contribution!go Se oe sete. without even bothering to resent the fact that we're be- up drifts all around them. Start analyzing those ads you ing fed a steady diet of baloney. MAD urges its readers now ignore, and see how few you can force yourself to to become more alert amid the snow jobs that are piling swallow once you actually pay attention to them! Because KES YOU WONDER... WRITER: TOM KOCH ADVERTISING MAKES YOU WONDER... ADVERTISING MAKES YOU WONDER... what's so great about being able to call anywhere in the country after 11 P.M. for 85g, unless you have lots of far- away friends you love to wake up in the middle of the night! Should necessarily make better—or worse— tires than a company that does own a blimp! ADVERTISING MAKES YOU WONDER... ADVERTISING MAKES YOU WONDER... how companies invariably know that their offers are - . Why your choice of deli products should being made". .. for a limited time only!” but they never be influenced by what an inarticulate three- seem to be able to tell you what that time limit will be! year-old on TV tells you he prefers to eat!- how breweries can claim their “New Light Beer” is a “major scientific discovery” when simply adding water doesn't seem like much of a discovery at all! VERTISING MAKES YOU WONDER... LH . . how you get on mailing lists to receive sales ietters that speak of “busy executives like your- self” when you're not even out of high school yet! ADVERTISING MAKI 7 Yy ‘you see offered for fits your compact always seems to cost $49.50! um ly $19” when the size that ADVERTISING MAKES YOU WONDER =. Whether any marriage was ever actually saved be- atise the wife found a product that reduced static clectricity in her husband's newly-laundered socks! ADVERTISING MAKES YOU WONDER... © USTEN TO WMFM—FM Te mee ston why radio stations buy commercials on TV stations ‘merely to announce that you'll encounter fewer commer- cials on radio stations than you will on TV stations! ADVERTISING MAKES You WONDER... how a coffee company that just raised its price by ‘a dollar a pound has the gall to send you coupons good for 50¢ off on every pound you buy at the new price!