\‘d gone out to the back room to get my / Was Frankenstein’s Monster's Vampire Werewolf video from my little brother, but when | returned to the front room, the telly had disappeared. “Yahhhhhi!!” | yelled, baring my soul in fury. “Yahhhhhil!” yelled my video, baring its teeth in fury. *6%ss This was only to be expected; it was a vampire werewolf video, after all. There were only two explanations as to the telly’s disappearance. 1: it had been taken by a bug-eyed alien from the Planet Zlot known as Mygitrod, or 2: it had been taken by a bug-eyed alien from the upstairs back bedroom better known as my big sister. GN \ Mygitrod My Big Sister“used to have the same trouble with my sister,” said Dobbin. “Was she a little fool, too?” | asked. “No,” replied Dobbin, “she was a little foal.” “Come on, Dobbin,” | said. “The good people of Coffsweet City need us. Their lives are being made a misery by the antics of the Brats a.k.a. sisters.” As we swooped over the skyscrapers, people called out: “Is it a plane?”Scholastic Children’s Books, Commonwealth House, 1-19 New Oxford Street, London WC1A 1NU, UK a division of Scholastic Ltd London ~ New York ~ Toronto ~ Sydney ~ Auckland Published in the UK by Scholastic Ltd, 1998 Text copyright © Roy Apps, 1998 Illustrations copyright © Nick Sharratt, 1998 ISBN: 0 590 19684 7 All rights reserved Typeset by Rapid Reprographics Printed and bound by N@rhaven Paperback, Viborg, Denmark 15 17 19 20 18 16 14 The right of Roy Apps and Nick Sharratt to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work respectively has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior consent in any form of binding other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed upon the subsequent purchaser.Consents It was a dark and stormy night (you've already read this bit) ................. 1 How to Handle Your Sister: STAGE 1 Bratman and Dobbin’s Guide to Your Sister’s Disguises ..... 10 1 Quasimodo ................ 11 Handling Your Sister’s Quasimodo Disguise ......... 13 2-SNOOPY. Ae ch oe eee 15 Handling Your Sister's Snoopy Disguise ............ Ve SO JAWS). ccc ls ce ees 19 Handling Your Sister's Jaws Disguise . 2:22: -...255< 21 4 MysticMeg............... 22 Handling Your Sister's Mystic Meg Disguise ......... 24 Typical Mystic Meg Predictions 26 5 Sister Hood .............. 27 Handling Your Sister’sRow Glande Your Sisters Stage One Just like the Joker, sisters' have the power to take on various disguises. These are likely to be related to their favourite films and telly shows. This has the obvious advantage that you don’t have to see what they really look like, which can be pretty gruesome, or rather not-so-pretty gruesome. But Bratman and Dobbin’s Guide to Your Sister's Disguises will enable you to know instantly just what she’s up to, so that you can turn the tables on her. Alternatively, if you’re not into ruining your mum’s best dinner service, use the guide to turn your sister’s disguises to your own advantage. 1; And for that matter, brothers (see How To Handle Your Brother page 10). 10How To Handle Your Sister “Aaargh!” | said. “Sister dear, you look dreadful! Can | get you something?” enquired Kerry, being a caring and sensitive sort of sister. “Something like a new face?” Luckily | pulled Kerry out of the way just in time, otherwise she would have ended up looking just like her sister — i.e. a total wreck. Kerry tried another tack. “Sister dear, you look dreadful! Have you been unwell?” she asked. Once again, | had to drag Kerry out of the range of her sister's fists. Quickly, | explained a few things to Kerry. “Your sister has given herself a Joker-type Quasimodo disguise. 12How To Handle Your Sister To help Kerry, | showed her some particularly gruesome examples... You can have a look too, if you dare. : Joe Nassaw'’s sister: OX Pe ees vv Dean Fying- Monsters sister: Terri Fying- Monster Darren Stees sister: Bea ot “Once you have learnt to look upon your sister's face without freezing in terror every time, you will find her dead useful,” | continued. Indeed, a few weeks later | got a letter from Kerry Onlarfing. This is what it said: Dear Bratman, Yesterday | went to Burger Bar. | knew it would be difficult to geta seat, so | took my sister. As soon as all the othec customers saw hér, they fled! Leaving us Free to Cake the best table by the window. Thank you, Bratman! Lots of love Kerry xxx 14How To Handle Your Sister "Then | realized something: this dog thought it was a parrot! ‘Good girl! Sit down! I'll fetch you a bone in a minute,’ | said to the dog. “Then | realized something else: we haven't got a dog that thinks it’s a parrot. We haven't even got a dog that thinks it’s a dog!” "This is serious,” | said. “Do you know who the dog was?” Harriet shook her head. “It was your little sister, in her Joker-type Snoopy disguise.” ( (any “But Snoopy’s a lovable little cartoon \ pup!” protested Harriet. “Ha! That's the cunning of it,” | said. “When little sisters take on Joker-type Snoopy disguises, they turn not into sweet- faced little pets with large, floppy ears, but suet-faced little pests with large, stroppy ears.” I'd hardly finished, when | saw Harriet racing out of the room. < "Where are you Y going?” | asked. “To wipe that smile off my sister's face,” she replied. 16lam very sorry, but | won't be able to come to your birthday party nexe .. She doesn’t know this, but my deat li sister is being Sent to aclinic in Outer Mongolia For specialist medical treatment. Its her ears, you see. She's spent so much time listening at key holes and halF-open doors, that her ears have been offected. Unless she has this treatment , in o Few weeks her ears will be the size of giant Cabbages. OF course Outer Mongolia is a long trek, but I’m told the pack-horses are very reliable. Its the only place in the world where they do this special operation because of the particular species of leeches found there, bvt it’s stilla pity there's no anaesthetic available. OF course, if she wos to stop snooping, the operation might nok become necessary. Don't breathe a word of this to anyone. Mum and Dad have not told my sister anything For Fear of causing her distress. Your Friend le 1: Write your friend’s name here. 2: Write your name here. 18How To Handle Your Sister | knew what he had seen in the water. His little sister in a Joker-type Jaws disguise. You know the film, of course: just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water... Eieieie!!!! a horrible thing with a wicked toothy grin appears. It’s a shark! This is how a sister's Jaws disguise works: just when you thought it was safe to go into the swimming pool and show your mates how good you are at dive-bombing, a horrible thing with a wicked toothy grin appears. It's your little sister. After my swim, as | sat in the coffee bar, Toby came up with his mates. “What am | going to do, Bratman?” he asked. “Let me think about this one,” | replied. “You go off with your mates on your bike.” “Thanks, Bratman, | will,” he said. But no sooner had he got to the door, than a dreadful sight confronted him. 20How To Handle Your Sister Sister Disguise 4: Mystic Meg | sat in Rosie Cheeks’ house, in a dingy part of Coffsweet City. “I'm having real problems with my sister,” she sighed. “What kind of problems?” | asked. “She's being a ” real *##** eee HH replied Rosie.’ Suddenly a face leered round the door. What a surprise! It was Mystic Meg, the famous astrologer who knows everything that’s going to happen. “You know what will happen if you keep saying that word, don't you?” she asked Rosie. “Can't say | do,” replied Rosie. “Your tongue will drop off.” A son . 1: This is @ word that's too rude to print (see How To Handle Your Brother page 44). 22How To Handle Your Sister “What!” said Rosie. She turned to her sister. “On your bike’, you great *******|” “You know what will happen if you keep saying that word, don’t you?” said her sister. "Can't say | do,” said Rosie. “Rosie! Stop it! Or else you'll end up having the same conversation for what seems like eternity.”” “What shall | do then, Bratman?” asked Rosie. Handling Your Sister's Mystic Meg Disguise: Dobbin says: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dianet , Bratman! Fill vp my nosebag , would you please? | said, “Just wait until I’ve instructed Rosie on how to handle her sister’s Mystic Meg disguise, will you?” Quickly, | explained to Rosie what she had to do. And this is what happened. 1: Don't, whatever you do, say this if your sister is also prone to putting on the Sister Hood disguise. Because if she is, it will be your bike she gets on. 2: Or as long as it takes your big sister to get out of the bathroom in the morning - whichever is the longer. 24TEST YOURSELF!!!! On some typical Mystic Meg predictions. Here is a list of some typical smart-alec predictions sisters make when they adopt the Mystic Meg disguise. See if you can match them to the appropriate activity of yours: ACTIVITY YOUR SISTER’S ADVICE 1 Riding your bike backwards down Corkscrew Hill. 2 Riding your bike backwards up Corkscrew Hill. 3 Eating a Triple Whoppaburger with french fries, chocolate sundae, three raspberry milk shakes and a gherkin. For breakfast. 4 Drawing an "I luv Eck and Dunce™ tattoo on your arm with a biro. 5 Calling Greebo Grudgesnottle, the class heavy, a “creepy little nerd with the face of a constipated rhinoceros.” (a) You know you'll break out in warts? (b) Pass me the fire extinguisher, in case you spontaneously combust. (c) You need a brain transplant. (d) Hide! {e) You'll end up looking like a grotesque splodge. Not that it really matters because no one will notice. ANSWERS 1 = (e); 2 = (c); 3 = (b); | 4= (a); 5 = (d). 1: The famous drop-dead-gorgeous Geordie boy band.How To Handle Your Sister And so she did. The trouble was, though, that by the time they’d done all their filming and things, Mary’s sister — and her natty jacket — were over the hills Ssesssssessss and a great way off. “Have you or Dobbin got any ideas?” asked Mary, desperately. Handling Your Sister’s Sister Hood Disguise: The only decent sort of jacket iso. donkey jacket. This was Dobbin’s verdict: “My suggestion is this,” | said. “Stick this notice on your natty jacket.” And so she did. The next time Mary's sister “borrowed” her natty jacket, the police caught her, the fire brigade rolled up and turned a hose on her and the ambulance was on hand to take her to hospital (she needed it after Mary had finished with her). “Thanks, Bratman!” said Mary. A copy of the note | gave Mary is to be found for your own use on the next page... 28TEST YOURSELF!!!! On Sisters’ Joker-type Disguises 1 Which famous cartoon film character is a typical sisters’ Joker-type disguise? (i) Snow White (ii) Quasimodo (iii) Dumbo 2 Which famous dog is a typical sisters’ Joker-type disguise? (i) Snoopy (ii) The Hound of the Baskervilles (iii) Spot 3 Which famous film featuring a creature of the oceans is a typical sisters’ Joker-type disguise? {i) Jaws (ii) Flipper (iii) Free WillyIf you picked (i) take 1 point. If you picked (ii) take half a point: it probably is very easy to mistake the staring eyes and gleaming white gnashers of the hound’ of the Baskervilles for your sister's. If you picked (iii) you'll get a scab. If you picked (i) take 1 point. If you picked (ii) you're wrong, wrong, wrong! And if you don’t believe me, take a bucket of raw fish, throw them at your sister’s face and see how many she manages to catch between her teeth. If you picked (iii) take half a point. It's wailing your sister does when she doesn’t get her own way, not whaling.Flow iP Handle Your Sisters Skage two BRATMAN AND DOBBIN’S GUIDE TO ESSENTIAL SISTER- HANDLING EQUIPMENT You should never attempt to handle your sister without first ensuring that you have access to the following vital items of sister- handling equipment: 1: The Brat Mobile ; There are, of course, three kinds of Brat Mobile: 1: BRAT MOBILE (a.k.a. Dobbin) 34How To Handle Your Sister ANSWER: 1: This isn’t the real Brat Mobile. This is a horse. 2: This isn’t the real Brat Mobile. This is a phone-y. 3: This is the real Brat Mobile! Here’s how you make a Brat Mobile: HOW TO MAKE A BRAT MOBILE 1 Take a piece of string. Don’t take it far though, because string has a very poor sense of direction. 2 Tie a couple of coat hangers to one end. Make sure they’re coat hangers and not any other sort of hanger. SS SG OIOW WY & : A ™\“ LSS SA/ SS Coat Hanger Aircraft Hangar 36How To Handle Your Sister BAT LIZARD’S TONGUE WITCH’S WHISKERS 38How To Handle Your Sister It's called the Out-to-Lunch Box because that’s what your sister is most of the time — out-to-lunch. And | don’t mean she’s round at her best friend Katie’s having a Pot Noodle’. | mean she’s mad, or to put it another way - or rather another five ways — bonkers, crazy, loopy, nutty, two sandwiches short of a picnic®. | mean after all, we are talking here about someone who: — thinks that the girl band Squash are better than Eck and Dunce! — keeps a three-legged hippopotamus under her pillow. 1; Not that they'd be eating Pot Noodle, anyway. Being completely bonkers your sister and her friend will be eating Completely-Potty Noodles. 2: Not to mention two Mars Bars short of a lunch box. But that's mainly because she and her friend Katie are on diets. 40How To Handle Your Sister The Bratman Out-to-Lunch Box comes complete with a Dobbin Out-to-Lunch Nosebag. This is particularly useful if you want to eat your dinner in peace without having to look at your sister. On some (thankfully rare) occasions’, the Bratman Out-to-Lunch Box can be very useful for handling brothers, too. BRATMAN AND DOBBIN’S GUIDE TO ESSENTIAL SISTER- HANDLING EQUIPMENT 3: Bratman and Dobbin Paper Hankies See opposite. One sure way to get up your sister’s nose! 1: See How To Handle Your Brother, page 35. 42Glow iP Glande Your Sisters Skage Whree BRATMAN AND DOBBIN’S FIVE CHART TOPPING INSULTS TO HURL AT SISTERS Surprise and outrage your sister by using Bratman and Dobbin’s unique range of very rude-sounding insults. ve just been ovtrageovsly insulted ! (1 think 2) Mix ‘n’ match any one insulting word from column 1 with any insulting word from column 2 and any insulting word from column 3. 44Gow ib Handle our Siskers Skage our On the finer points of your sister’s Joker-type disguises. BRATMAN AND DOBBIN’S MIX ‘N’ MATCH QUIZ: Match the following sounds with what makes them: THE SOUND WHAT MAKES IT? 1 £$%*&*@! (a) Your | Was Frankenstein's Monster's Vampire Werewolf video Aen (b) Dobbin's verdict on your sister’s Quasimodo disguise. S/aaarghl ({c) Your reaction to seeing your sister’s Jaws disguise. 4 Eieieiel! (d) What your sister says in her Snoopy disguise. 5 Hee-hee! (e) What you say when you are suddenly struck — by a thought. 6 Yee-oww!! (f) A very rude word.Glow We Glande our Sisters Stage Five THE BRATMAN AND DOBBIN SISTER’S JOKER-TYPE DISGUISE FILE Draw your sister below. JL Front view Side view ° MHEAGE SHES eisai ns YEARS OLD (FOR OLDER SISTERS) THE AGE SHE TELLS BOYS SVE Wo. aces YEARS OLDHow To Handle Your Sister 3 DOES SHE USE THE JAWS DISGUISE? yes [_] NO IF YES, DOES SHE LOOK LIKE: (i) An old shark [_] (ii) An old crab 50Glow 1 Handle our Sister? Stage Ss THE BRATMAN AND DOBBIN PRETTY GOOD USES FORA SISTER FILE 1 THINGS SHE CAN GANG UP WITH ME ON AGAINST DAD (e.g. definitions of “a reasonable amount of pocket money”; buying a decent AWD vehicle to replace our embarrassing Montego; persuading him not to volunteer for the school dad's football team.) nisHow To Handle Your Sister 3 BARTERING (e.g. I'll give you my Eck and Dunce yi poster with one corner ripped, if ) you lend me your Squash CD.) 1 54Then | thought it might be more exciting if instead of just watching the video, | actually put it in the VCR and switched on the felly. So | did. But the picture that appeared before me on the screen wasn’t of Frankenstein’s vampire werewolf. It was a picture of a sheep. My big sister came in and peered over my shoulder with her great big beady eyes. “What are you watching?” she asked. “| Was Frankenstein’s Monster’s Vampire Werewolf,” | replied. “That's not a werewolf,” she said, looking at the sheep on the screen. Dead sharp my big sister is. “No,” | replied, “you're right. Perhaps it’s a werewool.” “A werewool” "Yes, a sheep that thinks it’s a werewolf.” “Phoo-ey,” said my big sister, “it's our kid’s Learn To Count With Postman Pat video!” And suddenly | realized she was right! My little four-year-old brother had swapped his Learn to Count With Postman Pat video for my vampire werewolf one and was no doubt watching it on the other telly in the back room! What a Joker! SSMS NY N N N N N N N N N NX NSYes, Dobbin and | would help all decent law-abiding people learn how to handle their brothers. But first of all | was going to get that video back. It took me an hour and a half. And this was only possible because | used some advice I’d got from a very useful book called 7017 Handy Tips From The Spanish Inquisition. However, when | got back to the front room, | found the telly had disappeared! But that’s another story’. CERNE, 1: Which you can read on page 1 of How To Handle Your Sister. To do this, follow these instructions: either stay sitting where you are, turn to the back of this book then turn it the other way up, or turn to the back of this book, keep it the same way up and stand on your head. 4Scholastic Children’s Books, Commonwealth House, 1-19 New Oxford Street, London WC1A 1NU, UK a division of Scholastic Ltd London ~ New York ~ Toronto ~ Sydney ~ Auckland Published in the UK by Scholastic Ltd, 1998 Text copyright © Roy Apps, 1998 Illustrations copyright © Nick Sharratt, 1998 ISBN: 0 590 19684 7 All rights reserved Typeset by Rapid Reprographics Printed and bound by Ngrhaven Paperback, Viborg, Denmark 15 17 19 20 18 16 14 The right of Roy Apps and Nick Sharratt to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work respectively has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's ir consent in any form of binding other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed upon the subsequent purchaser.Consents It was a dark and stormy night (you've. already read this bit) .............-.06- 1 How to Handle Your Brother: STAGE 1 Bratman and Dobbin’s Guide to Your Brother's Disguises ... 10 1 Junior Master Chef ........ 11 Handling Your Brother's Junior Master Chef Disguise ... 14 2 The O-Men.............-.. 16 Handling Your Brother's O-Men Disguise............. 20 3'Red Dwarf: 2.0525. ag he! 22 Handling Your Brother's Red Dwarf Disguise.......... 26 4 Robbing Hood............. 27 Handling Your Brother's Robbing Hood Disguise....... 31 § Gladietor os 45s cca eens es 32 Handling Your Brother'sflow We Hands Your Brothers Stage Just like the Joker, brothers’ have the power to take on various disguises. These are likely to be related to their favourite films and telly shows. But don’t worry! Once you've read Bratman’s Guide to Your Brother’s Disguises, everything will be just like a really boring English lesson. In other words, All Write! Bratman: | support you mean “ALL RIGHT.” If only you'd paid aktenkion duswng leven instead. of sitting in the back qrung " dinnadinmadinneadinna." alk the time, You might hae learnt: Somme Enapuoh ! ERE Gore-Blimey (ypur old Enapioh teacmer ak Coffiwreet Ciliy Juniors) 1: And for that matter, sisters (see How To Handle Your Sister page 10). 10How To Handle Your Brother “Of course, he’s not,” | went on. “Because Junior Master Chef is only his Joker-type disguise. There’s only one method of : cooking up what he’s interested in, and it's not frying it, grilling it, baking it, mixing it or boiling it - it’s stirring it. Real Junior Master Chefs are, of course, inoffensive little chaps who say things like: Boil half a dozen Fish heads in a sizaling hot saucepan. Beat the eggs thoroughly with a whisk. “Your brother in his Junior Master Chef disguise on the other hand, not to mention the other leg, says things like...” “Mum, Paul’s putting chilli powder in the pepper mill!” said Paul. 12How To Handle Your Brother “That's just the sort of thing a caring and sensitive brother like yourself would like to do,” | said. “But it is not a good idea. It will only result in unnecessary pain and suffering as your mum tells you off for burning the bottom of her best saucepan, or bending her best egg whisk.” "So, can | learn to handle him?” asked Paul, with an anxious look. “Of course!” | assured him. Handling Your Brother's Junior Master Chef Disguise Breathe horsey breath up your brother's nose! Dobbin and | offer you this advice: “ , “Alternatively, look at it this way. There are only two things to do with a Junior Master Chef Joker. Either you can egg on him. By that, | mean crack half a dozen eggs over his head. Then the yolk’s on him. Add a packet of millet, then it'll be a really corny yolk. 14How To Handle Your Brother PAUL: Even better was your idea to put pepper in the tissue box, Bratman! | smiled modestly, again. Unfortunately, Paul was laughing so much, that tears started to run down his face. Keen to wipe them away before they ran out of breath, he took a paper hanky from the tissue box... Brother Disguise 2: The O-Men After Dobbin and | left Paul Thechain’s house, we rode off along the dark streets of Coffsweet City. As we passed, a young girl jumped out of the way. “Just in time!” | shouted. “That's me,” she called back. “Eh?” “That's my name. Jess Tintime.”How To Handle Your Brother “No probs!” | said. “I know, from having seen the film at the Coffsweet.City Multiscreen, that all you need to do to handle one of the O-Men is to give them a blast with an Intergalactic Extra-Terrestrial Super- Charged Laser Ray Gun!” | was about to go out and look to see if Dobbin had a spare one of these in his saddlebag, when the O-Man pointed to his hair and said: “You blathering great hooligan!” This came as a bit of a surprise. Mainly, because O-Men are only meant to be able to say “Oh”. Then Jess said, “It isn’t one of the O-Men, it’s my big brother!” Yes, Jess was right. It was her big brother disguised in a Joker-type disguise as one of the O-Men! Why should he do such a thing? He was still pointing to his hair and blabbing on. | could pick out only a few words, such as “natural”, “born” and “killer”. 18How To Handle Your Brother Handling Your Brother's O-Men Disguise: dunno! te seems like a ghastly, day horse! "Jess," | said, “the only thing to do with a brother like yours, who has disguised himself as one of the O-Men, is to exorcise the demon. He is, after all, like a man possessed. You could use a cross, but this is unlikely to work as your brother seems to have got cross already. You could try the old stake through the heart routine, but the price of meat these days means you'd be lucky to be able to afford a bag of tripe, let alone an old stake. No, the best way of warding off your brother is to use garlic.” Bratman: Steak, an wv meak is speek s.t.e.a.k. not $.t.a.ke. IF ym were soul at school (A argk you Go see me at brake! ERE Gore-Blimey (your old Engtioh teacher) 1: Dobbin, of course, is terrified by day horses. On the other hand, he isn’t at all frightened by night mares. In fact, he's rather fond of them. 20How To Handle Your Brother Brother Disguise 3: Red Dwarf In a few more seconds, Dobbin and | were out of Jess Tintime’s house and halfway down the road trying to get away from the smell of garlic, too. We pulled up outside the front gate of a small house. Suddenly, a girl came running out. “Quick! Hide!” she said. “And cover your ears!” We crouched down behind the fence. Dobbin and | introduced ourselves. “My name's Ali,” said rm) the girl. “Ali Gator.” Then without warning, a dreadful scream filled the air. 22How To Handle Your Brother Even though she hasn’t the slightest idea what Red Dwarf’s on about, Ali‘s mum just assumes it’s all her fault! Yes, even though it's Red Dwarf who's making a racket, Ali’s the one who’s in trouble! “What happened?” | asked Ali. Ali explained it all. “| was sitting in the kitchen, spraying my hair with Mum’s blue shoe polish to try and give myself a well smart ‘bad girl’ look, when he came in wanting to know where Freddy the Teddy was.” J “And what did you tell him?” ER "Just a harmless little tale ... along Rs the lines of ‘Oh, | don’t know. | expect he’s been kidnapped by a gang of ruthless aliens, taken off to the dark side of the Planet Glurg and been boiled alive in a volcanic crater. aHow To Handle Your Brother “Of course, it is a very tempting course of action, particularly for a caring and sensitive brother or sister like yourself. There is a drawback, though. For although doing this will certainly shut him up, it'll mean you’re short of garnish to put in your burger at teatime.” “Oh dear! What do you suggest, then, Bratman?” Handling Your Brother’s Red Dwarf Disguise: “It's a difficult problem, this.” “It's a difficult little brother, this,” replied Ali. “What do you say, Dobbin?” IF your brother carries on like that hell soon become a Shetland pony'! “I'm afraid there is nothing you Can do to make your brother stop that awful racket,” | said. Ali looked glum. 1: Le. a little ho(a)rse. 26How To Handle Your Brother “My name's Ravi,” he said. “Let me guess,” | replied. “Ravi Oli?” Ravi nodded. “What's your ~ problem?” | asked him. “It's my brother—” he began. ~ At that moment, a brand-new, thirty-seven gear, turquoise and purple mountain bike with an alloy frame whizzed past us, just brushing our noses. It was being ridden by a pertinent little chap dressed all in Lincoln green —— with a bow anda quiver of arrows slung across his back. The first thing Ravi said was: “What's my brand-new, thirty- seven gear, turquoise and purple mountain bike with an alloy frame doing with a brush?” The second thing Ravi said was: “Come back with my bike, you little vandal!” 28How To Handle Your Brother This, of course, was a lot of phoo-ey. Borrowers, as those of you who have read the books or seen the TV programmes know, are meek little people who live under-the floorboards. Which brothers certainly don't. More’s the pity. “You know what I’m going to do to him, don’t you?” said Ravi. "Yes," | replied. "You've already told me.’ But that’s going to make a very nasty mess on the pavement, isn’t it? It won't do your dad's Garden fork SSS sssssssceseeoesewe8 much good, either.” "So, what do you suggest?” asked Ravi. 1: See Ravi’s third thought on page 29. 30How To Handle Your Brother “Aaaargh!” he yelled, as he fell off under the weight. Then, “Aaaargh!” he yelled again as he fell off under the bike. Leaving Ravi's bike on top of him. On and on | rode, through the streets of Coffsweet City. Sitting on the pavement outside a large house, | espied a young girl. 32How To Handle Your Brother “At the end of the film, Sally Wagg, the girl who's been trying to save the world from the Killer Hamsters gets killed and eaten by the evil King Hamster. | was very upset.” “| don’t suppose Sally was too happy about it, either,” | said. Ria ignored my comment. “My brother thought it was funny. He said, ‘I’m glad he ate her!'” “And do you know why he said that?” | asked Ria. She shook her head. , “Your brother was in his Joker-type Gladiator disguise! That’s why he said ‘I’m Glad-he-ate-her!’” : “What shall | do, II Ip Bratman?” sighed Ria. E\I t \ NHN 34How To Handle Your Brother “Thanks, Bratman!” beamed Ria. “And thank you, Dobbin!” If you need to handle your brother's Gladiator disguise, and you haven't got a horse like Dobbin, use somebody who looks like a horse. Your big 4 brother's girlfriend, say. The most famous brothers of all, who wore Joker-type Gladiator disguises, spent all their time making up really grim and gruesome stories. They were known as the Brothers Grim. and was blinded in Che bramble Patch. Tee hee!HOW TO SCORE: ls {i) Take 3 points. Then quickly give them to your little brother before he puts on a Joker-type Red Dwarf disguise and starts screaming the place down. (ii) Take 1 point. Not strictly a Joker-type disguise, but you will probably argue that Blue Peter is a good description of Ali Gator’s brother after she attacked him with the boot polish while she was trying to perfect that “bad girl” look (see page 24). OK. Fair enough. | take your point. Which leaves you with 0 points. Hee-hee! (iii) Take half a point. Pink Panther is what little sisters tend to call their twinkie trikes.Glow VW Glands Your Brother: Ssage hwo BRATMAN AND DOBBIN’S GUIDE TO ESSENTIAL BROTHER- HANDLING EQUIPMENT The following items of equipment are essential for successful brother-handling: 1: The Bratman Mask See opposite. This will enable you to go about your brother-handling missions undetected. All you need to do is to cut it out, then cut out holes for the string and your eyes. Then thread the string through them. The holes that is, not your eyes. However, if you don’t want to cut holes for the eyes, just put it over your face — it will save you having to look at your brother when he uses his O-Men disguise. 40How To Handle Your Brother BRATMAN AND DOBBIN’S GUIDE TO ESSENTIAL BROTHER- HANDLING EQUIPMENT 2: The Bratman Cape A Bratman cape will afford you proper protection on your brother-handling missions. For example, you may decide that more needs to be done to teach your brother the error of wearing a Joker-type Master Chef disguise. A lesson involving self-raising flour, eggs and a jug of water would seem appropriate: particularly if they are placed strategically above his bedroom door. 42Glow We Glands Your Dresher: Skage ‘shires BRATMAN AND DOBBIN’S FIVE CHART TOPPING INSULTS TO HURL AT BROTHERS Astound and annoy your brother by using Bratman and Dobbin’s unique range of very rude-sounding insults. How dace you call me that! (and whet does it mean 2) Mix ‘n’ match any one insulting word from column 1 with any insulting word from column 2 and any insulting word from column 3. 44Glow We Glands our Brothers Seage Four Check which Joker-type disguises your brother uses: 1 Does your brother ever say: (i) “Mum, you'll never guess what our Kevin's doing — he’s cleaning his bike in the bath!” a (ii) “Mum, you'll never guess what our Kevin's doing — All Day Breakfasts!” (iii) “Mum, you'll never guess what our Kevin's blurgleblurgleblurgle!!!” 2 Does your brother ever say: (i) “Oooooo00!!!!" (ii) “Just wait until | ketchup with youl” (iii) “Grrr! Grrr!”ANSWERS: 1: (i) Call Bratman and Dobbin immediately! Your brother's using a Junior Master Chef disguise. {ii) Don’t panic! Your brother's using a Little Chef disguise. (iii) No probs! Your brother's using a ROBO CHEF disguise. 2: (i) Call Bratman and Dobbin immediately! Your brother's using an O-MEN disguise! (ii) Don’t panic! Your brother's using a HEE-HEE-MEN disguise. He’s pun-ny like that. (Chances are he’s puny like that, too.) (iii) No probs! Your brother's one of the HE-MEN. So watch out. 3: (i) Call Bratman and Dobbin immediately! Your brother's using a RED DWARF disguise. (ii) You must be confusing him with your sister. (iii) How do you know? Have you ever seen a mangoldwurzel? Do you even know what a mangoldwurzel is?" 1: Well, let me tell you: it’s a large kind of root vegetable, a bit like a turnip, used mainly for feeding cows. (The Bratman & Dobbin Dictionary)Flow i Glande Your Brothers Skage ive THE BRATMAN AND DOBBIN BROTHER’S JOKER-TYPE DISGUISE FILE Draw your brother below.How To Handle Your Brother 3 DOES HE USE A RED DWARF DISGUISE? YES NO IF YES, DOES HIS RED DWARF DISGUISE MAKE HIM LOOK: (i) All hot and sweaty? [_] (ii) All hop and sweaty? [_] 7 Seen RRNA (iii) All hip and swotty?Gow Mande Your Brothers Stage Six THE BRATMAN AND DOBBIN PRETTY GOOD USES FORA BROTHER FILE 1 THINGS HE CAN GANG UP WITH ME ON AGAINST DAD (e.g. definitions of “a tidy room”; buying that Irish Wolfhound puppy; only having to visitHow To Handle Your Brother 3 BRIBES | CAN USE ON HIM (e.g. if you don’t let me borrow your bike, I'll tell Mum who let the dog eat her spinach and lentil loaf.) 1ISBN 0-590 To Row = | | ux £3.99 -19684-7 9'780590'196840'> 4