My English Project

Of gut feelings and changes

His gaze lands on grey clouds covering the morning sky,
“It’s probably going to rain soon”, he thinks.
Even so, Juri doesn’t bother moving away from the bench he’s seated on.

It’s too peaceful, too quiet, too comfortable, Juri enjoys the atmosphere right now
and the book that’s currently resting on his lap is just about to get good.

Once again, he moves his gaze away from the book to the clouded sky and then to
the meadows surrounding him.
Oxford’s campus has a lot of wide and breathtaking meadows to offer, sure that’s a
given, but not often are they this empty.

Right now, Juri is the only person on this huge field of grass and trees, he can’t
complain, after all tranquility and peace is what he finds joy in.
What he does find annoying though, is the fact that raindrops are about to pour,
and he has to sacrifice this peaceful moment to not get wet and catch a cold.

Slowly releasing a disappointed sigh, the young student, starts reaching for his bag
and makes sure all of his belongings are securely stored in it,
before leaving the lone bench.

He’d like to say it’s noon already, but the numbers on his phone say otherwise,
“7:30 am, I still have about one hour before my first class starts”.
Having eaten nothing but a few left-over fruits this morning,
Juri decides to spend his hour on breakfast in the university cafeteria.

The lack of people during spring morning hours are just what he needs right now.
That’s not the main reason why he’s up so early though,
if he could, Juri would much rather spend more time covered in the warmth of his
bed.

But every time he closes his eyes after that nightmare, it seems as if he’s just about
to drown, his vision gets blurry and suddenly there’s not enough air in the room for
him to breath.

It’s always, always the same dream, that leaves him in a pool of cold sweat every
time he opens his eyes.
“I wonder if it’s ever going to stop” the thought leaves his mind as fast as it came,
expecting something will only leave you disappointed.

So, trying to not expect anything at all is a better way out, that’s a rule he set up for
himself a very long time ago.

As he steps trough the wooden framed glass doors, Juri was greeted by the warmth
of the cafeteria.
Sure, it was already spring, but even in spring, the morning hours were quite chilly.
Just as the doors closed behind his back, tiny little specks of water splattered onto
the window opposite from Juri.

“Made it just in time” he thinks.

While Juri takes out his card to swipe on the screen in front of him, he can’t help
but notice that the buffet offers hot cocoa today.
Upon making that amazing discovery, his mood instantly lightens up and he hurries
to the tall stacks of clean mugs.

Careful not to disrupt the tall pile of mugs, he reaches for the one on top, and
instantly fills it with the sweet and warm liquid he’s so fond of.
Besides from the hot cocoa now sitting on his tablet, Juri also gathered a bowl of
granola with milk, a fruit salad and a rather large strawberry cream-cupcake.

“Thank you for the food”. As he thought of those words, he reached for his bowl of
granola and swallows a spoonful of it.
His jaw is working on the food, while his eyes are fixated on the book lying on the
table in front of him.

[…]

Whenever a person enters an already crowded room, all eyes get fixed on them, the
same can be said for Juri’s case, as he steps into the crowded lecture hall.

Trying to ignore the boring gazes of his fellow students, he rushes past them to a
seat at the very front.
Juri is a very intelligent person, who unlike some students, actually enjoys what he
studies.

His interest in psychology only grew, once he actually had the chance to properly
deal with it.
Psychology is one of the most important and intriguing things, humans have to
offer, that’s exactly what drives him in his studies of the field ‘Experimental
Psychology’.

It’s already the second semester, he’s spending in this lecture hall, yet he still has
to get used to the very bright lights that seem too artificial for his liking,
as well as the echoing of one’s voice when they’re speaking,
which only makes him feel more uncomfortable than he already is.

As the lecturer enters the room, Juri wonders how long it’ll take the professor to
bore all the students with his Monday morning speech.
15 minutes, he guesses as he starts the timer beside his desktop, and surprisingly
his guess wasn’t too far off.

It took Mr. Johnson exactly 13.43 minutes, before the students behind Juri, started
to groan and whisper with their neighbors.
Realizing that his speech isn’t going to end soon, Juri lets himself get distracted by
the two girls behind him, who were gossiping about a hot guy they recently bumped
into.

Not that those kinds of topics attract Juri’s interest, he just needed a break from the
constant blabbering of the professor,
whose job is to actually lecture them something about psychology and not about
what doughnuts he likes to get on a Monday morning.

Juri pretends to listen to his speech, while his ears were actually occupied
elsewhere, just like he lets his eyes wander over his notes, without registering a
single word they read.

[…]

As it turned out, Mr. Johnson’s speech took longer than expected, leaving them with
only 30 minutes of psychology.
“What for a waste of time, Mr. Johnson’s lectures are usually very interesting,
whatever I’ll be sure to change my classes with him on Monday mornings”,
he concludes.

As sunlight spills trough the little gaps between the curtains of the old university
library, Juri realizes that he’s been spacing out way too long.

He slightly winces at the sunlight, that’s directly shining into his eyes. In all honesty
Juri was never quite fond of sunlight, he doesn’t remember the reason for it but, it’s
been manifested into his subconsciousness ever since that day…

Only now does he take notice that, noon is almost over by now and Juri hasn’t
managed to finish a single assignment he’s been given today.

“What’s wrong with me today? First not properly listening to the psychology lesson
Mr. Johnson gave and now spacing out and not being able to concentrate”.
Juri ponders, but he can’t say that it’s entirely his fault, after all the scent of old oak
and paper, build up to such a relaxing atmosphere.

Not being able to concentrate he feels like taking a break, but his mind tells him
otherwise, he fully knows that if he was to stop studying right now, he won’t be
able to get back into flow.

But his gut is telling him otherwise.

That’s what leads to him sitting still in his seat in front of a window, indecisive
about what he should do next.

When suddenly a loud voice interrupted his thoughts.

“Juri!!! Hey! How are you doing?”

Footsteps louder and clearer, taking a glance to his left Juri discovers the owner of
the voice.

Evelyn Armins, a very popular girl on campus, some students would even consider
you stupid if you didn’t know who she was. She has glowing soft brown hair and
such bright green eyes.
Juri considers those features, the polar opposite from his silver hair and grey eyes,
which are not really bright. He’s heard people say that they looked empty, but he
never really cared enough to check.

Evelyn has always gotten along with everyone; she has such a cheerful and sweet
personality that it even melts the hearts of people who had theirs stored in the
freezer. (Okay that was so bad, I’m sorry)

To sum it up, Evelyn likes everyone, and everyone likes Evelyn.

“And to think that someone like her is a friend of mine, still seems surreal.
Well, it’s not that big of a surprise either, she’s practically friends with everyone,
even the professors like her”. Juri thinks.

Turning his head away from the window and to his left, he shows Evelyn a genuine
and soft smile.
Seeing Evelyn returning his smile with a just as sincere and sweet one, made Juri’s
day just a little bit brighter.

“Hey Evelyn, I’m good. How are you” the words leave Juri’s mouth unexpectedly.

“Liar, I can clearly see those eye bags under your eyes”.
she states immediately after he answered.

Her tone wasn’t scolding nor angry, it was soft and genuine but one could still hear
the hint of steel in it.

“Are the nightmares getting worse?” She asks, her concern sounds genuine.

“I guess you could say that, especially now that the days are getting longer too…”
Juri’s answer was barely above a whisper, and it pains him to see how a frown
appears on the other’s face.

He tries to lighten it up with a smile and an added: “don’t worry though, I’m still
getting enough sleep to get through the day”.

Based on the facial expression Evelyn makes, she’s still not fully convinced, but
she’s not going to force it out of him.

“For How long have you been sitting on these documents?”

“You could say, for a long time” he responded, trying to sound humorous, to no
avail, because his words came out more disappointed.

“…care to take a walk with me? You know, just to get some fresh air and clear your
mind” Evelyn asked.

“I don’t think so, it’s better if I finish these assignments first- “

before he could end his sentence though, Evelyn grabbed Juri’s arm and pulled him
out of his seat towards the exit.

It seems like she doesn’t care,

as people in the library were throwing them vexed looks.

“H-Hey! Evelyn, I didn’t agree to this! You didn’t even let me finish my- “
The words came out louder than expected, because now people were hushing them,
and their glares weren’t any better than before.

“It doesn’t matter if you agreed to it or not, we both know it’ll help you, if you take a
break from studying too much” this time Evelyn was whispering, probably too kind
to dare disrupt the others’ silence again.

Stepping out of the library, they both felt a cool breeze wash over them.
It was refreshing indeed. Without saying another word, Juri trailed behind Evelyn.

“Yuri, I know you’re an intelligent student.

But you’re too rational for your own good”.
Evelyn bluntly states.

“I’m not sure I’m grasping what you’re trying to say here…” he replies.

“What I’m trying to say is, you’ve got to listen to your gut a little bit more”.

“I don’t understand why though, gut feelings are always

what leads people to make mistakes.

If more people were to use their mind and think logically, I’m sure there would be
way less tragic accidents in this hellish world”

Juri continues determined and this time his expression is more serious and colder,
as if he was mad at something.

“That’s indeed correct, but if people wouldn’t listen to their hearts, this world would
be way colder don’t you think? I mean, everyone would only think of themselves and
what is best for them, they wouldn’t show compassion or kindness to others.
Don’t you want things to change for the better?“

“No, if everyone were to think of themselves only, you wouldn’t risk getting hurt or
hurting someone” this time he sounded rather upset and sad, the frown on his face
deepened a little.

“And to honestly answer your last question, I actually really hate changes.
Wether for the better or the worse, if you have to change something for the better,
it means, what you have is not good enough and that’s nothing to be proud of”.
He states harshly.

“I just don’t like change in general, since it means that you have to face
something…new. You’ll have to start all over again and that scares me I guess…?”

Juri adds at the end after a little hesitation.

“…. Juri”
“Hmm?”
“I’ve been wondering, what made you so cold?”

“What are you trying to say…?” He asked slightly confused.

“I mean, I know you’re not that cold of a person.

I can see it, of course it might just be my intuition,
but I know that you’re a good person.
So, there must’ve been something that made you turn out like this right?”

Evelyn states the question as gentle as ever, as if afraid that she’d break something
if she wasn’t careful enough.

Juri’s expression was unreadable, he stopped walking and stood on the stone path
they’ve been following.

“…I-…. I’ve got to go…”

His answer was short and wobbly, it came out barely above a whisper.

Evelyn would’ve been sure she misheard him, if it wasn’t for his face, it was drained
of any color and it seems like he’s breaking out in a cold sweat.

Juri takes a few steps back, almost tripping, almost-

then he turns around and starts walking, he doesn’t know where to, he doesn’t
know what he’s even doing.

All he knows is that he just wants to get as far away as possible, as his steps speed
up and his breathing became more rapid.

“No…N-No…” memories of a past he doesn’t recognize start flashing before his

eyes, trying to suppress them, he bites his lips, until he tasted something coppery,
his blood.

But he barely registers the taste, just like how he barely registered Evelyn’s protests
of him leaving and her questions if he was alright.

His vision turned blurry and the faster he walked, the less oxygen there seemed to
be in the air for him to breath.
Until….it all turned black...

“I asked were you left the damn money!!”

[…]

“I’m so sorry Juri…I’m so sorry, but you know that this is better for both of us, look
just wait here for me, okay? It’s sunny you should play with the other kids, I’ll come
back to pick you up later”.

What’s this? Voices he thought he’d long forgotten, pictures he thought he had long
erased are starting to bubble up again...

Just like when one tries to suppress a feeling, no matter how long it lasts, that
feeling will only grow and one day it’ll eventually float to the surface again…

A crash of something, and the rapid opening of eyelids.

Juri was awake, looking to his right, there laid a broken glass of water.
He must’ve accidentally pushed it off the table while he was sleeping.

That doesn’t matter much for now, taking a look at his surroundings he managed to
figure out that he’s currently sitting on one of the infirmary beds on campus.

Nobody was here, it was empty. But Juri doesn’t seem to mind,
rather he appreciates the emptiness of faces, otherwise those would’ve turned if
they saw how he woke up.

Only noticing now, that he’s drenched in a pool of sweat, Juri tries to get up, but
instantly regrets the choice as he falls back into bed again with a terrible headache.

“What happened…I remember voices and then…right! Evelyn, she asked me

something about….”
As the youngster tried to recall what had just happened, he hears voices outside of
the infirmary and realizes at once that it’s the nurses.

[…]

“They said that it’s nothing serious…I probably just fainted from fatigue.
Maybe Evelyn was right after all, I’ve been overworking myself.
But still, I can’t shake those nightmares off my mind, they were always there but
they’ve been getting worse lately….and clearer too.”

Upon unlocking the door to his dormitory, relief washes over him.
But still not enough to make him forget what had happened.
He brings the box of medication closer to inspect it, he’s been taking that
medication for ages. It’s supposed to suppress the nightmares and make them
weaker.

But these past few weeks he’s been forgetting to take the medication regularly,
due to his hectic schedule.
That’s probably why the nightmares keep showing up.

As he lays down on the couch in his living room, clutching the plastic container
filled with pills close to his chest.
For the first time in his life, Juri Aker wishes something would change….

The end (?)