Activities For Developing Healthy Relationships & Preventing Domestic Violence Relationship WORKBOOK Ve 72 Reproducible Worksheets About: Evaluating Your Relationships * Understanding Abuse Exploring Values + Building Healthy Relationships * Making Good Decisions By Kerry Moles, CSW Illustrated by Amy Leutenberg Brodsky, LISW UBLISHING A Brand of the Guidance Group |[Eeeeobucrions REPRODUCTIONSThe Relationship Workbook: Activities for Developing Healthy Relationships and Preventing Domestic Violence COPYRIGHT «2001 by Weliness Reproduction and Publishing International copyright protection is reserved under Universal Copyright Convention, and bilateral copyright relations of the USA, ‘This book contains orginal reproducible activity worksheets, exclusive with Weliness Reproductions and Publishing, and is fully protected by copyuights. This publication is meant tobe used by an ADULT facilitator only. The handouts activities shouldbe photocopied for Aistrbution, or if this book contains 8 C, they can also be printed. ‘he original purchaser of this book is authorized to reproduce and use the individual items in this book for the generation of creative activity in a payehatie/ therapeutic /edcational setting. However, the reproduce activity ‘orksheet collection inthis book may not be reprinted or vesyndicated in whole or in pat asa reproducbe worksheet Dook or collection, or for any other purpose without the witten permission of the publshe. ‘This publication is solé with the understanding that the publisher isnot engaged in rendering psychological, medical or othe profesional services. Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2001093589 ISBN 20: 1-893277.05-4 ISBN 15: 976-1-693277-05-2 |[EEPEgbCTONs UBLISHING ‘A Brand af The Guidance Group 800-669-9208 » FAX 800-501-8120 ‘wiv guidance-group.com ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS My thanks to the many courageous women and men working toward difficult personal and social changes; To my family and friends for their support and encouragement; To my professional colleagues and clients for teaching me everything T hope to pass along with this book; To Estelle and Jay Leutenberg, Kathy Korb-Khalsa and Amy Brodsky at Wellness Reproductions & Publishing, for their partnership in this project and ‘Annette Moinette and Sheldon Freedman, graphic designers; ‘And to my husband, Eric, for his partnership in this life. This book is for Jake.TABLE OF CONTENTS Foreword Using The Relationship Workbook Portfolio Cover Sheet How to Help Victims / Survivors of Relationship Abuse Working with Petpetratots of Relationship Abuse SECTION ACTIVITY EVALUATING YOUR RELATIONSHIP My Support Map* Evaluating My Relationship How Healthy is My Relationship?* 3 Kinds of Love How My Relationship Affects My Life Cues to Violence UNDERSTANDING ABUSE EXPLORING VALUES Myths & Facts on Domestic Violence & Relationship Abuse Understanding Power and Control Understanding Equality Focus on Emotional Abuse Case Study: Emotional Abuse Focus on Physical Abuse Focus on Sexual Abuse Focus on Sexual Harassment The Cycle of Abuse 21 Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationships Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children Helping Children Heal Relationship Abuse Crossword Puzzle Gender Roles: Men & Women Gender Roles: Where Do I Stand? The Gender Roles Around Us My Relationship Role Models Choosing My Relationship Values Quiz: What Would You Do? For Adults from Abusive Homes (continued on back)Table of Contents (continued) SECTION BUILDING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ‘ACTIVITY The Do's and Don'ts of Starting a Relationship What to Look for in a Partner Understanding Boundaries Practicing Boundary Setting How Do You Relate? Assert Yourself with ‘T’ Statements Building Self-Esteem through Positive Self-Talk Action Plan for Improving My Self-Esteem Balancing You, Me and Us Let's Talk About Sex Sexual Decisions The Relationship Bill of Rights MAKING GOOD DECISIONS REFERENCES Contract with Myself Should I Stay or Should I Go? Goals for Improving My Relationship Breaking Up is Hard to Do Dealing with a Breakup Safety Plan Orders of Protection Is My Relationship Ready for a Baby? Am I? For My Partner & Me: Decisions About Having a Baby Acquaintance Rape: What You Can Do to Avoid It! How You Can Help Where to Get Help and Information on Domestic Violence and Relationship Abuse Recommended Readings Suggested Videos 89 1 93 7 99 101 103 105 109 un 13 a7 119 12a 123 125 129 131 135 143 145 149 151 153,FOREWORD The RELATIONSHIP Workbook is for the therapist, counselor, group facilitator or other helping professional working to prevent or end relationship abuse. This workbook can be used in individual counseling sessions, educational settings and psycho-educational or support groups. Although this workbook is certainly appropriate as a means of general education on relationship issues, it is primarily intended as a tool for engaging victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse, as well as people at risk of being either, in the following tasks: Identifying the healthy and unhealthy characteristics of current and past relationships; Understanding the dynamics of emotional, physical and sexual abuse in intimate relationships; Exploring and clarifying their own values, beliefs and attitudes about gender roles and intimate relationships; Becoming empowered to make positive, healthy decisions about current and future intimate relationships. Relationship abuse, also called ‘dating violence’ or ‘domestic violence’ is a problem that touches nearly everyone. Studies show that one in four women will be abused by an intimate partner at some point in her life,' so most people who don’t experience abuse in their own families will know someone who does. Relationship abuse crosses all lines of race, ethnicity, culture, age, religion, economic status, geography and sexual orientation. It includes the use of physical, emotional, verbal, psychological, sexual and financial tactics to gain power and control over an intimate partner. Relationship abuse, in its many forms, can happen to ANYONE. For this reason, we have made efforts to use language and artwork that is as inclusive as possible throughout this book. Although using both male and female pronouns in every sentence can make reading more difficult, itis important to remain gender-neutral so that male and female victims and perpetrators, including those who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, can relate to the content, We have also tried to be inclusive of the broad range of professionals who work with clients in different settings and capacities. ‘The term ‘facilitator’ is used to refer to the professional who is guiding this work, whether he or she is a group leader, clinical therapist, occupational therapist, counselor, teacher or other helping adult. ‘The term ‘relationship abuse’ is often used in this book in place of the term ‘domestic violence’ for two reasons. The word ‘domestic’ implies that the relationship is taking place within the context of marriage or cohabitation, which isn't always the case. The word ‘abuse’ is used instead of ‘violence’ because abuse encompasses a much broader range of behavior than physical violence. Violence is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to abusive relationships. Our hope is that professionals, with the assistance of this workbook, can help clients to identify the more subtle forms of emotional, verbal, and financial abuse in order to prevent escalation to physical and sexual violence.USING The RELATIONSHIP Workbook Who Should Use This Book? The RELATIONSHIP Workbook can be used by social workers, psychologists, occupational therapists, health cate providers, counselors, educators or any other professional interested in helping people to develop healthy relationships and address issues of relationship abuse. However, it is important that professionals who are not specially trained in issues of domestic violence be aware of the specific and complicated dynamics involved in working with people in abusive relationships. Often, well-meaning and even highly trained mental health professionals can make abusive situations worse by misinterpreting people's motives, unintentionally colluding with abusers because they are not aware of their tactics, or engaging in victim-blaming because they are susceptible to commonly accepted myths and stereotypes about victims of abuse. The supplemental pages of this book include ‘tips’ for working with people in abusive relationships. However it is recommended that professionals who are not specially trained in issues of domestic abuse make use of the recommended reading list, take advantage of opportunities for professional training in this area, and consult with a domestic violence services agency before beginning individual or group work with victims, perpetrators or others affected by abuse. The Workbook Format Unlike traditional workbooks, The RELATIONSHIP Workbook is designed in a spiral-bound, easily reproducible format. There are fifty ‘activities; in five sections of the book. Each activity includes one or more worksheets to be photocopied and given to the participant, as well as a Facilitator's Information’ page with suggestions for using the worksheet(s) in group or individual settings. The activities allow clients to examine relationship issues in a non-threatening way and encourage them to think critically about the influence of social forces and develop their own systems of relationship values. Facilitators can choose which activities to use based on the presenting issues, and goals of the group or individual, and in response to the content of previous sessions. The facilitator is essentially able to customize a curriculum for each group or individual. Facilitators who want to offer a more in-depth focus on a particular topic can refer to the follow-up activities and suggestions for pages from other books by Wellness Reproductions and Publishing, LLC. to use in conjunction with that activity. The Relationship Portfolio It is recommended that every client working on material from this book be encouraged to develop a ‘Relationship Portfolio’ The ‘portfolio’ is a safe place for participants to collect their work, At the beginning of the group or individual work, the facilitator should provide each person with an empty portfolio, preferably a three-ring binder, although a folder will also do in a crunch. Binders with clear plastic pockets on the front allow participants to personalize the cover, Following this page, you will find a sample ‘cover page’ that can be photocopied for clients to decorate and/or paste a photo on.The Relationship Portfolio (continses) AAs the client completes worksheets during each session and places them in the binder, the binder becomes his or her own personal ‘Relationship Portfolio’ Aside from the work they have done from this book, participants may add anything else they wish to include, such as drawings, letters, pictures, poems or information collected about community resources. The facilitator may want to have on hand a package of clear plastic page protectors, available at most office supply stores, which fit into three-ring binders. Participants can use these to hold pictures and other objects that they can’t or don't want to hole-punch. The portfolio allows clients to have a constant and tangible object from one session to the next. It becomes a reflection of themselves, their thoughts and their work, which they can build and develop and take pride in. Tt can help in the clients’ development of his or her self-concept as a competent person, separate and independent from his or her partner, family and social groups. Upon termination of the group or individual work, the client can take the portfolio with him or her, It will not only serve as a transitional object but as a practical resource for him or her to refer to when in need of information or a reaffirmation of the decisions made, strengths and values developed, and beliefs defined during the course of this work. For therapists working with victims or perpetrators of relationship abuse, the portfolio can aid in clinical work. One of the goals of therapy with many victims and perpetrators is to integrate the split between the ‘bad object’ and ‘good object’ or the alternate rage toward and idealization of the partner, The portfolio can facilitate this work because it holds the client's own perceptions from one session to the next. When the client reviews his or her work from the previous sessions, the portfolio provides a window into the split-off perceptions and allows a gentle ‘in’ for the therapist to help the client work toward integration. It should be clear that the portfolio belongs to the client and will eventually go home with him or her, but facilitators may want to hold on to the portfolio between sessions, This is so the portfolio can be kept in a safe place, won't get lost, and will be sure to be available for every session. In the case of a client who is currently in an abusive relationship, it may be unsafe to risk having the portfolio found by the abuser. The facilitator can offer to provide copies of any worksheets the client wants to take with him or her. However, if a client chooses to bring the portfolio home, the facilitator should keep copies of everything that goes into the portfolio in case the portfolio is lost or the client forgets to bring it to a session.atiionr}yHOW TO HELP VICTIMS/SURVIVORS OF RELATIONSHIP ABUSE When working with people in abusive relationships, it is often difficult to resist the temptation to immediately rush in and ‘save the victim: Of course, we must intervene whenever anyone is in immediate physical danger, but we should remember that there are very complicated dynamics involved in abusive relationships. Even if we could whisk people away from abusive situations and make sure they never had contact with their abusers again (which we usually can't), there's a lot, more involved in helping people change the way they think about relationships and themselves. If this process doesn’t take place, it’s more likely that the pattem of abusive relationships will repeat. Following are some tips to keep in mind when working with people who are or may be abused by their intimate partners. © Show concer - but don't be confrontational. Say “I'm worried that you could get hurt and I want to help,” rather than “I know you're getting beat up and you have to break up with the jerk!” People who are being abused are often scared, embarrassed, and unsure about who they can trust, Even when they deny the violence at first, be patient. Give them some information about relationship abuse, and continue to express interest. Gentle reminders that you are concerned are mote likely to make them feel comfortable confiding in you than forceful confrontations, which might alienate your client and scare him or her off. Offer help ~ but do not insist on taking control. Remember, control is the bottom line in an abusive relationship, and controlling the victim is exactly what the abuser has been trying to do. The objective should be to help your client take back control him or herself, not to transfer control from the abuser to you. As much as you may believe you know the right thing for your client to do, the decision to leave must be his or her own. Be honest. Discuss the limits of confidentiality up front so clients know under exactly what conditions you must make a report to child welfare officials. If you do determine a report must be made, encourage your client to make the report him/herself. If you are afraid that your obligation to report will keep people from seeking your help, then help them to come up with other people they can talk to or at the very least, suggest they call a confidential hotline. If you don't know who your client's partner is, don’t make assumptions about sexual orientation. Use gender-neutral language until your client has let you know whether his or her partner is male or female, Make a safety plan. If there has ever been physical violence, even if your client insists he or she is not in serious danger, work with him or her to complete the safety plan in this book to make sure he or she knows what to do if things get violent again. Don't ask blaming questions. Don't say things like “What did you do to make him hit you?" or “Why don't you break up with her?” Don’t make people feel like you think they/re stupid for staying with their abusers, because you will risk wounding their self-esteem even more and reinforce what their abusers are probably already telling them. Don't put down the abuser, Talk about the abusive behavior being unacceptable, but don’t ‘trash’ a person's partner if you want that person to trust you. Whatever you might think of the abuser, your client may still love this person and probably sees many positive qualities in him or her. Abuse victims will often ‘split’ their feelings and express rage at their partners one day and act like the relationship is perfect the next day. This is a defense mechanism, and should be treated gently. Try to help the abused person integrate the conflicted feelings by acknowledging that both good and the bad exist in the same person.How to Help Victims/Survivors of Relationship Abuse (costinea) © Let clients know you will be supportive whether they stay with their abusers or not. Chances are, the abuser has already begun to isolate the abused person from members of his or her support system. If people think you will abandon them if they don't do what you want them to do, then the abuser’s claim that “I'm the only one who's really here for you" is reinforced. If people know you will stick around, then when they are ready to think about leaving, they will be more likely to seek your help. Ask clients how they feel - don't tell them how they feel! Don’t say “You don’t love him” or “He doesn't love you.” Instead, take all of your client's feelings seriously, and acknowledge that it’s okay to have conflicting feelings at the same time. Keep your own issues in check. Be aware of your ‘emotional baggage’ and don't impose it on the people you are working with, Be sensitive to cultural differences. Different cultures have different norms and values regarding the relationships between the sexes, including attitudes toward male domination, violence, sexuality and marriage. The people you are working with don't have to share your values, but you can help them explore where their values and beliefs come from, and make conscious decisions about the ones that are important to them. Don't be afraid to ask ‘questions about your client's culture and family belief systems, and work with him or her within that context. Figure out what needs are being met by this relationship. If a person chooses to stay in an abusive relationship, it is because that person is getting some kind of need met. Those needs may be emotional, financial, physical, or social. Your task is to figure out what those needs are, and help your client develop healthier ways of meeting them. Educate. Give people the facts about relationship abuse. Give them literature like pamphlets from domestic violence organizations and worksheets from this book. This will help them understand they are not alone, and that you are not just ‘making this stuff up: Give out hotline numbers and tell clients they can call anytime, confidentially and for free, to talk to people who deal with this kind of situation all the time. This will give the abuse survivor more of a sense of control. When a person breaks up with his/her abuser, don't get too invested in the idea that the relationship is over. It's common for abuse survivors to leave and go back a number of times before ending the relationship for good. You don't want your client to be afraid to tell you if she or he reconciles with the abuser. Get help for yourself, Call a domestic violence agency for guidance. By talking to an expert about the specifics of the situation, you'll be able to gain a better understanding of what you can do that will be most helpful.WORKING WITH PERPETRATORS OF RELATIONSHIP ABUSE There is a great deal of controversy among professionals in the field of domestic violence about working with abusers. Advocates for victims are concerned about therapists and programs that treat domestic violence as a ‘mental health’ issue or an ‘anger management’ issue, and may fail to hold perpetrators accountable by giving them the message that they can't control their behavior. Some people feel that batterer’s intervention programs steal precious resources from programs that serve victims. Experts want to be sure that people working with abusers do not only address physical violence, but also other equally harmful and controlling behaviors such as emotional and financial abuse. It is the author's opinion that batterer’s intervention is a critical part of our society's response to relationship abuse. While it is important to work with everyone affected by abuse, we can not ignore the source of the problem. The emphasis should be on holding the abuser accountable for his or her behavior and educating him or her about the dynamics of all forms of abuse. It is true that recidivism rates, while hard to measure, are extremely high even for perpetrators who have completed batterer's intervention programs. However this does not mean that intervention can not be effective in reducing or ending abusive behaviors in many people - especially early intervention with young people who are not yet as set in their ways as older adults. This ‘workbook is intended to be a tool for educating abusive or potentially abusive people about the dynamics of abuse, and engaging them in the process of changing abusive attitudes, beliefs and values. With this said, working with abusive people is usually even more difficult than working with. those who are abused. Abusers are much less likely to seek or accept help and often deny the abuse or project blame onto their victims and other people. Abusers are often extremely manipulative - it is easy for service providers to be fooled because abusers can present as very charming and ‘together’ Following are some suggestions for working with people who are or may be abusive to their intimate partners. © If you suspect a teen is abusive, confront him or her directly but in a neutral tone of voice. Ask about specific violent behaviors, such as hitting, pushing, and grabbing, rather than talking in general terms like ‘fighting’ Also ask about other forms of controlling behavior, such as threats and put-downs. It is important that you identify abusive behaviors without appearing too judgmental. You want to convey the message that you are accepting of the teen, but not accepting of abusive behaviors. Be clear about your policy regarding confidentiality, and the situations in which you will have to involve others including parents, school or agency administrators, and police. If you have reason to believe there is a threat of imminent danger, you must notify the police, potential victim and parents of victim and perpetrator. Support the teen for talking about the abuse. Acknowledge that it takes courage to admit to problems and to seek help. Educate the teen about the different types of abuse, the cycle of abuse and the dynamics of power and control vs. equality. Explore the teen’s need to gain power and control over his or her partner. Be clear that violence is always a choice. Violence does not happen because a person is provoked, can’t handle anger, is drunk or ‘out of control’ Violence happens because one person makes a choice to use force to gain power and control over another. (continued on back)Working with Perpetrators of Relationship Abuse (contiswed) * Do not call relationship abuse an ‘anger management’ problem. We know that most abusers can control their anger because they do control their anger with people other than their intimate partners and children, ‘Anger management’ classes are usually not appropriate for perpetrators of domestic violence. ‘When your client talks about anger, acknowledge that angry feelings are acceptable but violence is not. Anger is usually a defense against vulnerability to underlying feelings such as hutt, fear, shame, etc. Help your client to identify and appropriately express these feelings. Constantly be aware of an abuser's tendency to use minimization, denial and blame. Call the abuser on these tactics every time. Be careful about the scenario of “we both abuse each other.” This is often an attempt to project blame onto the victim, which the victim may believe. While both people may engage in violent behavior or individual acts of abuse, there is usually a pattern of one person controlling the other. The person in control is the abuser. The other person may simply be fighting back in an attempt to regain control of his or her own life. Explore where your client leamed to link violence with intimate relationships. It is often, but not always, true that an abusive person experienced or witnessed abuse at home. However, do not allow this to be used as a justification for abusive behavior. Everyone gets messages promoting sexism and violence from many aspects of society. No matter where they learned the violence, everyone has the ability to make their own choices about whether to use it in their own relationships. Help your client to identify the current and potential consequences of the abuse ~ how it affects the partner and the relationship, as well as family, friends, work and feelings about self, Explore possible future consequences including jail, an escalating, life-long pattern of abusive relationships, and a cycle of violence that extends to your client's own children. Point out the effects of the abuse on your client's children. It is a misconception that children aren't affected if they aren't physically hurt themselves. Knowing how their behavior hurts their children often motivates parents to change. Help your client to reduce objectification and develop empathy for his or her partner and other potential victims. Do not engage in ‘couples counseling’ with abusers and their partners. This is a set-up for the victim, who will not be able to talk openly in front of the abuser, and it may trigger increased abuse. Be extra careful about confidentiality if you also have contact with the victim. NEVER tell an abuser anything his or her partner has told you, even if you think what you are saying is harmless. Don't think one good talk will change the abuse. It takes a lot to change a lifetime of abusive attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. Change is not likely to take place without ongoing education, long-term counseling that holds the abuser accountable for his or her behavior, and most importantly, the abuser has to make a choice to change. Get help for yourself. Seek the advice of a domestic violence agency that works with batterers or a carefully screened batterer’s intervention program, and take advantage of the suggested readings on working with abusers.Rae ae UY een ae CHC Nes ONE UBYRE SAN WS VIR ees ZENS LOAM VV eA iS ELIE Nie? LSS KEAN SoAAlthough you may be thinking a lot about ‘intimate’ relationships, you may also want to take 2 look at some of the other relationships in your life. This is important, because sometimes we focus so intensely on one relationship that we lose sight of the importance of other relationships, like those with friends, family and other supportive people. Remember that no ane relationship can ever meet all of your needs. Below you can create a ‘map’ of your support system. In the center circle, put your name or attach a picture of yourself. In the boxes connected to you, write the names and telephone numbers of the people or organizations who are or could be a part of your support system. This means anyone you could call on for help or support in any area of your life from a serious personal problem, to health care, to financial help. Feel free to draw in extra boxes if necessary! Examples of people and places you might have in your support system... © Parents or siblings © Your church, temple ar place © © A club or group © Adult children cof worship you belong to © Extended femily members © Your spouse or partner © Your co-workers or boss O Close friends © Community center O Other © Trusted neighbors © Crisis hotline © Other © Your counselor or therapist © Health clinic © Other As you continue to work on developing healthy relationships, strong or confusing feelings may come up. Who in your support system can you talk with about these feelings?Facilitator’s Information for My Support Map Purpose: To identity supportive peonle and orgenizetians where partciants can seek help with relationships and ater ‘ses Background When beginning the support map, participants may write the names of their partners first. fis erica not to Information: iscount ne imporeanc of the aarnen even in tne mast abusive relationships. instead, validate persicipents ternative Group or Individual Activity: Alternative Group Activity: Use In Conjunction wi feelings of being supported by their partners, then move on to ask whom else they might include in their support systems. When the map is complete, participants should be able to see that their partners are one of mary ‘support resources. ne photocopy of worksheet per participant — Fine-tipped colored markers ~ Phone book List of numbers for lacal/state hotlines, shelters, caunseling centers, etc Optional: Instant camera ar existing picture of each participant ~ Glue or double-sided tape Additional for GROUPS: Fliachart and markers/blackboard and chelk or ‘My Support Mag’ presentation poster “DEVELOPING THE SUPPORT MAP™ Explain to participent{s) that they will be creating maps af their suppart systems. Discuss the concept of a ‘support system, and together read the intraductory paragraph, Either take instant photos of each participant, gwve out existing pictures, or allow participantts) to draw picture(s) of themselves or just write their name(s) in the circle in the center of the support map. If working with a group: On presentation poster or on copy of suppart map drawn on board/fipchat, begin a sample support: map based on a fictional character or volunteer group member. Instruct participant(s) to begin writing in the names and telephone numbers of people ar organizations thet are 2 part oftheir support systems or they would like to be a part oftheir support systems, Encourage them to use ‘the checkist at the bottom of the page for ideas about people ar organizations to put in their support maps, ut also encourage them to think of other support resources that are not listed. Use phone book to look up ‘numbers of community organizations that can offer support and help. ASKING FOR HELP" ‘After completing above activity, introduce a discussion about haw easy or dificult itis to ask for help, ‘Ask the client, or @ volunteer from the group, to choose @ situation in which it might be difficult to ask for help from someone named on the support map. Instruct the person to role-play asking for help, with the feciitator fr anather groua member playing the role of the person being asked for help. IF working with a group, repeat until all group members have had an opportunity to role-play asking for help. “TRUST FALLS’ ‘Materials: ‘sticky notes’ or paper and tape, markers Note: This activity should only be attempted if facilitator is certain that group members are physically and ‘emotionally capable of performing it safely. ‘After completing "Developing the Support Mp,” instruct participants ta write the names of each member of their support eystems on the pieces of paper (one name per paper! ‘Ask for a volunteer to go first, S/he should choose a group member to represent each member of his or her ‘support system, and give each graup member the corresponding piece of paper. (Group members may have more then ane piece of paper if necessary.) Instruct the group members to attach the papers to their shirts and form a tight semi-circle behind the volunteer Explain ta group members that they are going to farm a web’ af support in which to catch the volunteer when s/he falls gently backward, instruct them to brace themselves with one foot in front of the ather, and to hold tut their hands palm-out in front of them, about one foot from the volunteer's back. Remind group members ‘that this activity could result in injury if not done properly, and thet this is not @ time for joking or becoming distracted. When faciitatar is certain that group members are paying attention and prepared to catch the volunteer, tell volunteer that when s/he is ready, to call out “fling!” Tell the group members they should all respond by yelling “catching! Tel the volunteer that only once the group members have responded “catching” and you have given him or her the final instruction “al,” s/he should fall backward into the arms of his or her ‘support system. ‘The same volunteer may prectice falling several times unt s/he feels mare comforteble and confident that s/he will be caught Repeat until each group members has had the opportunity to experience being safely caughe by his or her ‘support system.’ (No group member should be pressured to participate if they ane uncomfortable doing so.) rocess by esking whet parcparts tk wos he purpose of Ee erty and Row i ofl nd be cote (group members. LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS |, “No One is an Istana’, (page 43) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS IV, “Supportive Relationships,” page 30) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS V, ‘Personal Network Prafie,” (page 50} CROSSING THE BRIDGE, (pages 49, 50, 51)The purpose of this exercise is to help you start thinking about different aspects of your relationship. If you are not in an intimate relationship right now, focus on a past relationship. Ask yourself the following questions about that person and your relationship with him or her. Pp Can you name five things about this person that you really like? 1 2. 3. 4 5 fe) Can you name five things about this person that you really dislike? 1 2 3 4 5. 9 Do you think this person's relationships with members of his/her family of origin are healthy? Why or why not? Does this person encourage you to have relationships with friends, family members and co-workers, or does s/he discourage other relationships? Pp Can you name three things this person is interested in besides you? 1 2 3 9 Can you name three activities that you participate in without this person? fi 2. 3. 9 Do you both have equal decision-making power in your relationship? 9 How do the two of you usually handle conflicts? Since you have been in this relationship, do you generally feel better about yourself, worse about yourself, or about the seme? 5 220 ptt tn 48Facilitator’s Information for Evaluating My Relationship Purpass Background Information: Individual Activity: Alternative Group or Indi Use In Conjunction To explore positive and negative qualities of intimate relationships. Often people in abusive relationships have been told repeatedly about their partners’ negative qualities by well-meaning friends and family members. This activity allows participants to acknowledge both the positive ‘and negative aspects of their relationships in their own words, Gne photocopy of worksheet per participant, plus one extra copy Pens/pencils Hat, box or beg "SHARING ASPECTS OF MY RELATIONSHIP’ Cut a photocopy of worksheet into strips of paper with one question on each, fld and put in @ hat, box or bag, 2. Seat participants in a circle, and tell them that the purpose of this activity is to begin to evaluate the different. qualities of a intimate relationships. Those who are not currently in en intimate relationship should base their answers on a relationship with a former partner ‘Ask for a group member to volunteer to be first. Instruct that group member to pick a piece of paper out of the hat and read it, then ask each group member to answer the question to the best of his/her ability ‘The person who read the question goes last. Repeat by having different group members pick and read aloud a question until everyane has answered teach question, Hand out worksheets and pens or pencils, and allow five or ten minutes for group members to fil in the blanks. "EVALUATING MY RELATIONSHIP WORKSHEET" Give participant: the worksheet and a pen or pencil. Together read the introductory paragraph. 2. Together with participant, read and discuss each question, instructing him or her to fil in the answers as you go along, ‘After completing the worksheet, process by discussing what aspects of the relationship the participant ‘sees as positive or negative, which areas need change and how changes can be made. ‘DRAWING ASPECTS OF MY RELATIONSHIP* Materials: Supplies for drawing, painting or cresting collages from magazines {If painting or making collages, change title of activity accordingly.) After having completed the worksheet, instruct participant(s) to look at the nine questions they have ‘answered, and choose one aspect of their relationship that they would like to focus on, Lay out art supplies, and instruct perticipant(s) to create 2 drawing (or painting or collage) that expresses their feelings about that aspect of the relationship. For example: * Create a drawing/painting/collage that expresses the things you most lke or dislike sbout your partner ® Create artwork that expresses your feelings about your partner's relationship with family * Draw/paint yourself engaged in relationships with friends, fermily or co-workers (If you feel your partner discourages you from outside relationships but would like to develop more of them, you can Use this as a positive visualization experience) * Draw/paint/collage yourself or your partner engaged in the activities you enjoy without the other Create an image of the power balance in your relationship * Create a painting or collage that expresses the feelings you have during a conflict with your partner * Create an image of your feelings about yourself aver time ~ before the relationship, at various stages of the relationship, and now When giving instructions, de-emphasize artistic ability, and encourage perticipant(s) to focus on using visual images a 2 way to express themselves and allow others to "see" what they mean. If working with @ group, allow participantis) time to display their work and explain it to the other group members, LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS |, “Roles,” (page 30) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS IV, "Supportive Relationships,” (page 30) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS VI, “interview With,” (page 20) CROSSING THE BRIDGE, (pages 50, 51)Following are two lists, one of healthy relationship characteristics and one of unhealthy traits. ‘Many relationships have a combination of both. The point of this exercise is to figure out what things in your relationship are healthy or unhealthy, so you can gain appreciation for the best things and decide what you want to change. Read both lists, and check the heart next to every statement that is true about your relationship. (= evaluating my relationship wit 1S IT HEALTHY? 1S 1T UNHEALTHY? Check the heart if you and this person... Check the heart if one of you... Have fun together more often than nat Each enjoy spending time separately, with your own friends, as well as with each other's friends Always feel safe with each other Trust each other ‘Ave faithful to each other if you have made this commitment Support each ather's individual goals in lif, lke educational or career goals Respect each other's opinions, even when they are different. Solve conflicts without putting each other dawn, cursing at each other or making threats Both ecoept: responsibilty for your actions Both apologize when you're wrong Have equal decision-making power about whet: you do in your relationship Each have an equal say in financial matters Are proud to be with each other Encourage each ather's interests - like sports & leisure activities, Have some privacy - your letters, diary, personal phone calls are respected as your own Have close friends & femily who like the other person and are happy sbout your relationship Never feel like yotire being pressured for sex Communicate about sex, if your relationship is sexual Allow each other ‘space’ when you need it Always treat each other with respect B28 8 8 BBS GBS se se BBs Vs & Gets extremely jealous or aocuses the other of cheating ® Puts the other down by calling names, cursing or making the other fee! bad about him or herself & Yells at and treats the other like a child Doesrit take the other person, or things thet, are important to him/her, seriously Doesn't listen when the other talks Frequently criticizes the others friends or family Pressures the other for sex, or makes sex hurt or feel humiliating Has ever threatened ta hurt the other or commit: suicide if they leave Cheats or threatens to cheat Tells the other how to dress Has ever grabbed, pushed, hit, or physically hurt the other Blames the other for your own behavior Cif you hadn't made me mad, | wouldn't have. ..") Embarrasses or humiliates the other Smashes, throws or destroys things ‘Tries to keep the other fram having a job or furthering his /her education ‘Makes all the decisions about whet the two of you do ‘Thies to make the other feel crazy or plays mind games ® Goes back on promises Acts controlling or possessive - ke you own your partner Uses alcohol or drugs as an excuse for hurtful behavior Ignores or withholds affection as @ way of punishing the other ® Depends completely on the other to meet social or emotional needs SB GES € EK | KEK This list is a way of identifying some of the healthy and unhealthy characteristics of your relationship - it does not cover every possible situation. You may want to share this list with someone in your support system, and talk about where you want to make changes in your relationship and how you can begin to do this. 7 220 ptt tn 48Facilitator’s Information for How Healthy Is My Relationship? Purpose: To identify some of the healthy and unhealthy characteristics of participants’ intimate relationships, Background — Many people don't recognize certain controlling behaviors as abusive, but instead consider Information: them ‘romantic’ - for example, they see jealousy as a sign of true love rather than a sign of possessiveness. Having certain behaviors categorized as they are on this worksheet will help participants to consider them from a different perspective. It will also help them to see that they are not the only ones who have had particular experiences, At the same time, it is important for victims of abuse to be able to identify some positive characteristics of their relationships, and to have others acknowledge that they are getting some valid needs met: from that relationship. Materials: One photocopy of worksheet per participant, Pens/pencils Optional for GROUPS: 'How Healthy Is My Relationship’ presentation poster Group or “IDENTIFYING HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY CHARACTERISTICS OF MY RELATIONSHIP™ Individual 1. Introduce activity by stating that this activity is a way of understanding both the positive and Activity: negative sides of a relationship, and that most people have at least some checks on both sides. 2. Distribute worksheetis) and pens/pencils. 3. Instruct participant(s) to identify the relationship they want to evaluate, and to write the name of that person in the box if they are comfortable doing so. tldentifying names should always be optional for reasons of confidentiality.) Tell participant(s) that if they are nat currently in an intimate relationship, they should identify a former partner and do this activity based on their relationship with that person. 4, Instruct participant(s) to take the time to read over the lists and check whichever items ‘apply to their relationship most of the time. After they have completed the activity, review and discuss checked items with participants. In a group, ask for volunteers to share and discuss what they checked. 5. Ask participant(s) to identify which characteristics on the ‘healthy’ side are most important to them, and which characteristics on the ‘unhealthy’ side are most troubling and why. 6. Instruct participant(s) to circle any characteristic of their relationship they want, to change. “CASE STUDY" This activity may be done alone or as a lead-in to the above activity to ‘break the ioe. Choose one or more fictional couples to use as a case study for this activity. Be sure to choose a Activity: couple that is neither ‘all good’ nor ‘all bad,’ but has a mix of both. (See the list of movies in the Additional Resources section of this book, or choose a television couple like the Ricardos, the Flintstones, the Bunkers, the Jeffersons, or couple from a more current show that everyone is familiar with.) 3. Using the presentation poster or copies of the worksheet, read each line aloud and facilitate a discussion about whether the couple you have chosen displays each characteristic. Check off the boxes as the participant(s) suggest. 4. As an additional alternative group activity, break into pairs or small groups and have each group complete the case study based on a different fictional couple of their own choosing, then present their results to the larger group. Use In LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS Ill, “Breaking Down Our Walls,” (page 30) Conjunction LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS lll, “Characteristics of Healthy Relationships," (nage 31) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS IV, “Samy Socializing,” (page 31) CROSSING THE BRIDGE, (pages 49, 50, 51)According to one theory’, there are three different kinds of love, After reading descriptions of each kind of love, think about whether you have experienced that kind of love. Write examples of your experiences with each kind of love in the spaces provided. Romantic Love (A.K.A. “The Honeymoon Stage”) Most relationships start out with ‘Romantic Love’. During this stage, J everything about the relationship and the other person seems perfect. Both partners usually try to show only their better sides, and unattractive traits are either not recognized, or they are redefined so thet they seem like positive characteristics. For example, instead of viewing your partner as ‘selfish,’ you might see him as ‘independent,’ instead of ‘stubborn’ you see her as ‘determined.’ Often the early warning signs of controlling behavior, like extreme jealousy and possessiveness, are misunderstood as @ sign of love and devotion. Both partners want to be together all of the time, and this is also seen as proof of true love. In most cases, reality sets in eventually and both partners begin to see each other's faults. At this point, the relationship can grow into a ‘nurturing’ or an ‘addictive’ relationship. Write about your experiences with Romantic Love: SLR RRR RRR BB & BB &B BB ee a (continued on next pagel el 220 ptt tn 48For faclitator’s information see page 14. l 103 Kinds of Love ———\ continued) GFA] Nurturing Love (A.K.A. “Healthy Relationship”) ¥ Nurturing Love is when Romantic Love matures into a deeper, more complicated relationship. In Nurturing Love, both people grow and blossom as individuals. Both partners appreciate each other's positive qualities, but also recognize and accept each other's limitations. Both partners want the other to grow and develop ta her or his fullest potential. This means that they encourage each other to have other close friendships and to get satisfaction out of independent activities. In Nurturing Love, one partner is even able to accept when the other wants to spend more time apart. If one person ends the relationship, the other will experience sadness and grief, but will not be devastated to the point of being self-destructive or unable to function White about your experiences with Nurturing Love: ~ 888868 SGGSG GGG GG G68 GGG 684 SSSSSSSSSS SSSI SSE SSIES Ss (continued on next pagel a 220 ptt tn 48For faclitator’s information see page 14. l 123 Kinds of Love | (continued) Addictive Love (A.K.A. “An Abusive Relationship”) When the desire to be together every minute turns into a feeling of extreme need for the partner to be constantly available, Romantic Love has turned into Addictive Love ne or both partners say things like, “Ill die if he doesn't call me,” “I can't live without her,” "She's everything to me." In Addictive Love, neither partner grows as an individual ~ rather, their worlds get narrower as they facus only an their partners, Addictive love is a learned behavior. Because males and females learn different gender roles, they often show their ‘addiction’ differently. For example, women may act emotional and needy because they have learned that this is how women are expected to act. Men in this type of relationship also feel extremely needy, but since they have learned that they ere supposed to be independent and in charge, they try to control their partners in order to keep them close. The controlling behavior includes constant criticism, which often leads the female partner to believe the problems in the relationship are all her fault and that her partner doesn't need her. As she becomes more insecure about herself and the relationship, she narrows the focus of her life to concentrate on pleasing him, and has an exaggerated idea of how necessary he is to her life, She feels like she is addicted to him, and does not, realize her power to make healthy choices. White about your experiences with Addictive Love: f <<<<<<<<< acececececececc< Signs of Addictive Love are listed below. Check any that you see in yourself or your partner. A person believes he or she “can't live without” the other person. Q Less and less of the couple's time together is happy, interesting or satisfying. More end more time is spent arguing, apologizing, making promises, expressing anger, feeling guilty and being afraid of upsetting the other. Lowered feelings of self-worth (self-esteem) and self-control A person is unable to enjoy time away from his or her partner, and when apart is always “counting the minutes" until they are together again. A person often makes and breaks promises to him or herself to limit dependency on the partner CI won't call him,” *! won't ask her where she's been,” "I won't wait for the phone to ring.") QA feeling of never being able to get enough of the other person Increasing efforts to control the other person. rt 220 ptt tn 48Facilitator’ Background Information: ‘Material Use In Conjunction Wi Information for 3 Kinds of Love ‘To understand the difference between romantic lave, nurturing lave and addictive lave. ‘The term “Addictive Love" can be helpful in understanding the feelings of extreme dependency that are common in this type of relationship. However, it is important not to allow people to justify abuse by caling it en addiction. It should be clarified thet the behavior we are discussing is Jearned behavior. It is not a true addiction in the sense of an illness or a disease, because the person still has control over his/her behavior. An abusive person is still raking a choice to use abusive tactics to gain power and control (One photocopy of each of the three worksheets per participant Pens/pencils Optional: Flipchart. and markers/blackboard and chalk “MY EXPERIENCE WITH THE 3 KINDS OF LOVE” Distribute one of each worksheet and @ pen or pencil to each participant. Read or have particinent(s) read sloud the explanation for each of the three kinds of love, discussing terms and concepts as necessary, Point out thet each kind of love has an "A.K.A. next to it, referring to concepts members may have discussed in the “Understanding Abuse” section of this workbook. After reading each section, ask participant{s) if they can think of examples from their awn lives, or from relationships in movies or television shows. Instruct perticipant(s) to write these exemples in the space provided. If working with @ group, allow group members to share their examples if they ere comfortable doing so Read or have a participant read aloud the “Signs of Addictive Love.” Instruct participant(s) to check any signs thet they see in their current relationships, or past relationships for those who are not currently in one, Process with a discussion of whet one can do ta ‘steer’ a new relationship in the dnecton of nurturing love “IMAGES OF NURTURING AND ADDICTIVE LOVE" ‘Materials: Art supplies such as construction paper or canves, paints, markers, magazines for collages If working with @ group, bresk participants into small groups of three or four people. Challenge participant(s) to create @ visual image of the contrast. between Nurturing Love and ‘Addictive Love. An example is a picture of 2 plant blossoming in nurturing love and withering in addictive love If working with @ group, ask each workgroup to share its work with the larger group and discuss. “THE WORLD'S MOST NURTURED PERSON Materials: Two sheets of paper large enough to trace @ participant's body (several pieces of fipchert paper taped together will do), colored markers Trace the outline of a participant's body on the large sheet of paper. or if this is uncomfortable for group members, ask @ group member to draw a human outline freehand. With the body outiine laying on the floor or table, instruct participants to gather around. Tell participants that they are going to create a person in the world's most nurturing relationship. Using ‘words, symbols or images, they should “ill up" the inside of the person's body with al ofthe beliefs, thoughts, feelings, etc., thet a person who is in an extremely nurturing relationship might have Next, they should write or draw on the outside of the body all of the things that are in this person's life, For example, participants can make up activities this person participates in with and without his or her partner, accomplishments such as a college degree, and of course s/he probably has lots of friends and close family relationships. Hang completed image and process by discussing how group members felt about this activity, whether it brought up issues about their own relationships, and what they learned. LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS II, “Balance Your Life,” (page 27) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS Ill "Keeping Our Commitments,” (oage 32) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS V, "Process of Making Changes,” (page 25) " dgpted from “Addictive Love and Abuse: A Course for Teenage Women” by Ginny NiCsrty, in stig lence: Young Women in Danger, ected by Barrie Lev, The Seal Press, 1991 14How My Relationship B Affects My Life gy) Ask yourself the following questions about how your relationship is affecting important areas of your life, Then think about any areas where you want to make changes, and talk with someone in your support system about how you can do this. WORK EDUCATION: @ Does this person support me in my career? @ Have | ever missed or been late to work/class because of @ fight with this person? @ Does this person pressure me to miss work/class? © Do I talk to this person so much while at work that it gets in the way of my job? @ Has this person ever shown up at my job/ school to ‘check up’ on me because of jealousy? If s0, has this caused me embarrassment or questions from my co-workers or boss other students or teachers? iF 'm in school, have my grades fallen or improved since I've been in this relationship? ® Have | ever quit or been fired from a job as a result of my relationship with this person? ® If | want to further my education, does this person support this goal? ‘MY PHYSICAL HEALTH: Have | ever had cuts, bruises, or other injuries as a result of a fight with this person? Have | gained or lost a significant amount of weight since I've been in this relationship? Have | ever contracted sexually transmitted disease from this person? Have | had any unplanned pregnancies from this relationship? Have | ever been so upset about a fight with this person that | became physically iI? Does this person ever threaten me physically or do dangerous things, like driving recklessly with me in the car? ‘MY EMOTIONAL HEALTH (LEVEL OF STRESS, FEELINGS OF SELF WORTH): © Do | feel better about myself or worse about myself since | have been in this relationship? SSeees s Do | ever think that “l em nothing’ without this person - that | couldn't go on without him or her? Do | feel more or less stressed, depressed or anxious? Do | cry more or less frequently since I've been in this relationship? Do | have more trouble sleeping at night or sleep more than usual since I've been in this relationship? eee (continued on next page) 18 220 a ptt tn 8For faciltator’s information see page 18. l 16How My Relationship), Ba, Affects My Life 255 (continues) USE OF DRUGS/ALCOHOL: @ Have | started/increased or stopped/decreased smoking, drinking or using drugs since I've been in this relationship? @ Does this person pressure me to use drugs or alcohol? @ Dol ever use drugs/alcohol to help myself calm down or feel better after a fight? ®@ Do | ever use drugs/alcohal because | feel it will “loosen me up" and make me less inhibited around this person or around his/her friends? MY FAMILY & FRIENDSHIPS: @ How do my friends & family feel about this person? How does this person feel about them? Have | grown apart from my friends & family since I've been in this relationship, or gotten closer? Does this person ever act jealous of my friends/family and try to keep me away from them? Has this person ever threatened or gotten into a physical fight with a friend or family member? Has this person pressured me to quit @ club, group or team? Do | find myself lying to my friends & family to cover up for this person? Do we each spend time separately with our awn friends? MY CHILDREN: How does my relationship with this person affect my children? How do my children feel about this person? Have my children ever witnessed verbal abuse or physical violence between myself and this person? Have my children ever been verbally abused? Have my children ever been physically hurt, either directly or as a result of them accidentally getting in the way during a fight between myself and this person? Do | believe this relationship is affecting my children's emotional health, behavior, school performance or other social relationships? S@ $6 S866, ©¢¢ 6¢ &@ @ 2 = ILITY TO FUNCTION INDEPENDENTLY: Do I have contral af my own money? Have my living arrangements become dependent on this person? Do | ever feel that | could not ‘make it’ without this person? In what other ways, positive or negative, do | think this relationship has affected my life? Sess a7 220 ptt tn 48Facilitator’ Information for How My Relationship Affects My Life Purpose: ‘Materials: To identify and explore the negative and positive affects of participants’ relationships on functioning in ‘other important areas of their lives This exercise will ‘scratch the surface’ of how participants’ relationships are impacting other ‘areas of their lives. It will give the group facilitator or therapist more information about what issues fre most pressing for each individual to work on in group or individuel treatment. The facilitator may want to remind participants of his or her status es @ mandated reporter before they complete the section on children. For @ greater focus on children, follow up this activity with “The Effects of Relationship Abuse on Children.” (One photocopy of worksheet: per participant Pens/pencils Optional: Flipchart. and markers/blackboard and chalk “NAMING THE EFFECTS" Introduce the activity by asking participant(s): “Have you ever gotten so caught up in your love life that it’ seems like nothing else exists?” Explain that it's normal, in the beginning of a romantic relationship, to go through a period where you think about almost nothing else. But in @ healthy relationship, you should begin to come back to reality after a few weeks or s0 end integrate the relationship into other areas of your life, rather than allowing the relationship to take over everything else. I's important that we don't neglect the other important areas of our lives like family, friends, school and health, State that the purpose of this activity is to take a look at what kind of ‘impact our relationships are having on these other things ‘Ask participent(s) to brainstorm a list of other areas in their lives besides their love lives. Write list tn flipchart or blackboard, if desired. Distribute handout(s) and pens/pencils. Instruct perticipant(s) to read each question, or read questions as a group, and answer them as honestly as possible ‘After completing the handout, ask participant(s) to identify areas where they think their relationships are having positive or negative affects on their lives. From there, generate discussion about specific, changes they would ike to make in areas where there is @ negative impact. if participantts) have identified specific areas for chenge, follow up with discussion/activities on ‘making changes /goal setting BRAINSTORMING RELATIONSHIP EFFECTS" This activity should be done before the worksheet is completed Introduce this activity by saying that people's intimate relationships are one area of their lives, but there are alsa many other important areas of their lives Ask participant(s) to brainstorm a list other areas in their lives besides their love lives. Write list on flipchart. or blackboard. Break participants up into small groups of two to four people. Assign each group one ‘area of life’ from the brainstormed list, and give each group a large piece of paper and markers. Give participants the following instructions: Each group is to draw @ line dawn the middle of the paper, and on the paper develop two lists. The first list is how a healthy relationship might effect the given erea of @ person's life, and the second list is how an unhealthy or abusive relationship might: affect that area. For exampie, if the area is work, how might being in a healthy intimate relationship affect @ person's career? How might being in en unhealthy or abusive relationship affect @ persons work? Specify that the examples the groups come up with do not have to be from group members’ lives, they are just brainstorming possible effects that may or may not apply to anyone in that type of relationship. Give groups about ten minutes to complete lists, and then bring the larger group back together. ‘Ask each group to hang up its list, end have @ representative from the group read over the list end explain. After the list has been read, invite participants from other groups to add any ather ideas, they might have. Repeat until each group has read and expleined its list Seat group members in @ circle end instruct each group member to complete the following sentence “One area of my life thet is most effected by my relationship is. because, * (Facilitator may want to write the sentence on board or flip chart.) Encourage group members to offer validation and support: to the person sharing, LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS Ill “Relationships & You,” (page 33) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS IV, "Energizing & Draining,” (page 29) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS V, “Understanding the Ripple Effect,” (page 24) 18Cues to Violence Although it may sometimes seem like violence comes ‘out of the blue,’ it rarely does. There is usually a progression of behavior leading up to the violence, and a pattern of physical, behavioral, thinking and feeling cues. These warning signs, or ‘cues’ to violence, can be recognized by both abusive people and their partners with practice. If a person who has been abusive in the past can recognize his or her early cues to violence, he or she can take responsibility for his or her behavior before it escalates to violence. If the abused partner can recognize the cues, he or she may be able to enact a safety plan sooner in order to avert the violence. WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE THE VIOLENCE? BEHAVIORAL CUES My Partner's PHYSICAL CUES My Partner's MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS (continued on next pagel cI 1 a FeFor faciltator’s information see page 22 l8) {ues to Violence \ UL a (continued) Once you have listed all of the cues to violence you can think of, put them on the line below to chart how long before the violence they occur HIGH-LEVEL CUES Immediately before the violence MEDIUM CUES Hours, days, or weeks before the violence EARLY CUES Easing out of The Honeymoon Stage — days, weeks or months before the violence 21 220 ptt tn 48Facilitator's Information for Cues to Violence Purpose: Background Group or Individual Activity: Alternative Group or 1 To be able to recognize the early, medium and high-level cues to violence in participants’ relationships, This activity is adapted from the curriculum developed for working with abusive men by the Domestic Abuse Project, Minneapolis, Minnesota (612-874-7083). It can be used to teach batterers how to identify their own ‘early warning signs’ s0 that they can stop their escalation before violence occurs. It can also be helpful in safety planning for people being abused, so they ‘may recognize the escalation and activate their safety plans sooner: ne copy of each worksheet per participant Pens/pencils Additional for Group: Flipchart and markers/blackboard and chalk “RATING MY CUES" This activity is for participant(s) who have acknowledged being victims or perpetrators of domestic violence IF working with a group, draw @ copy of the chart on the first; worksheet on flipchart or board, ‘Ask participant(s) to think back to times they/their partners have been physically violent. Ask what happened before the violence. Generate a list of behaviors (i.e., raising voices, drinking, accusing partner of infidelity, complaining about the kids, etc.) that participant(s) saw in both themselves and their partners before the violence. They may want to begin by thinking of cues immediately preceding the violence, but can then go back hours or days — as far back as they ccan identify the beginning of the escalation or ‘tension building’ stage. AAs the list is generated, write ‘cues’ on flipchart or board if working with a group, and instruct: participant(s) to write their own lists under Behavioral Cues’ on the first, worksheet. Next: prampt participant(s) to generate a list of Physical Cues’ (i.2., muscles tensing, heart racing, clenched jaw) and write on fipchart. or board and/or instruct participant(s) to write on their worksheeti(s) ‘Next prompt participant(s) to generate a list of their thoughts and feelings before the violence Note that since no one can say what another person is thinking or feeling, only participants’ own ‘cues, not their partner's cues, are asked for in this area After generating lists of physical, behavioral and thinking/feeling cues, distribute second worksheet, Instruct participants to look at all of their physical, behavioral and thinking/feeling cues, and put them in order according to haw close in time to the violent incident they occur. Participants) should write each cue on the second worksheet under ‘High-Level,’ ‘Medium’ or ‘Early’ cues. “MOVIE CHARACTERS’ CUES" ‘Show participant(s) a video or video clip from the list of recommended videos in the Resource Section of this book Complete the activity as suggested above, only based on the cues of the characters in the video instead of participants) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS Il, “Anger Diary," (page 8) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS Ill, ‘Reaction Pattemns,” (page 40) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS V, "What Are Your Wamning Symptoms," (page 38) CROSSING THE BRIDGE, (pages 49, 51) 22SN sae RR Ree ws SN LE’ COI 2324Myths & Facts on Domestic Violence & Teen Relationship Abuse On the line next to each statement, check “M” if you think the statement is a myth, or “F” if you think it is fact. After taking this survey, when you are given the answers, write the FACTS about the issue on the line below each statement. 4. Domestic violence is nat all that common.t. z Z. Men and women sometimes push each other around when they get angry, but it rarely results in anyone getting seriously hurt. 4 F 3. While females can be abusive and abuse happens in same-sex couples too, it is much more common for males to abuse their female partners. MMF 44. If @ mother is abused by her children’s father, the children are also likely to be abused.H. F §, It is nat abuse if there are no physical injuries. H. F 6. People abuse their partners because they can't control their anger. H. r z Most mon who abuse their partners grew up in violent homes.M- ___ . I @ person is really being abused, it's easy to just leave, He 4. Most rapes are committed by strangers who attack women at night on the streets.M- Fe 10. A pregnant woman is at an even greater risk of physical abuse. M, ——F__ 11. Relationship abuse happens most often among blacks and Hispanics, 12. People who are abused often blame themselves for their abuse. 4. (continued on next pagel 25 220 ptt tn 48For faciltator’s information see page 28. l 26[Myths & Facts | on Domestic Violence & { Teen Relationship Abuse) (continued) FACT SHEET (MYTH OR FACT? aM 3M 6M. TE 3.4 4. M. FACT: Between 25 and 50 percent of all women in America will be physically abused by a partner at least once in their lives.” FACT: Domestic violence is the number one cause of injury to women between the ages of 15-44 in the U.S. - more than car accidents, muggings and stranger rapes combined.” Of the women murdered each year in the U.S., 30% are killed by their current or former husband or boyfriend. FACT: About 95% of known victims of relationship vialence are females abused by their male partners.* FACT: 50% of men who frequently abuse their wives also frequently abuse their children.* A child who lives in a family where there is violence between parents is 15 times more likely to be abused.” FACT: Abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional and/or sexual. Many victims of abuse say they feel that the emotional and verbal abuse is even worse than the physical abuse. FACT: People who abuse are usually not out of control. They do it. to gain power and control over the other person. They often use a series of tactics besides violence, including threats, intimidation, psychological abuse and isolation to control their partners.” FACT: Men who have witnessed violence between parents are three times more likely to abuse their own wives and children than children of non-violent parents.” FACT: There are many very complicated reasons why it's difficult for a person to leave an abusive partner. (see worksheet Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships.) One very common reason is fear - women who leave their abusers are at a 75% greater chance of being killed by the abuser than those who stay. FACT: About 80% of rapes and sexual assaults are committed by @ partner, friend or acquaintance of the victim."? FACT: Pregnant women are especially at risk for battery and it is common for physical abuse to begin or escalate during pregnancy." It is estimated that more than ane-third of pregnant, women are abused.” FACT: Women of all races are equally likely to be abused by a partner."° FACT: Most people who are abused blame themselves for causing the violence." Hawever, the fact is that NO ONE is ever to blame for another person’s violence — violence is always a choice, and the responsibility is 100% with the person who is violent. es 220 ptt tn 48Facilitator’s Information for Myths & Facts on Domestic Violence & Teen Relationship Abuse Purpose: Background Information: To dispel some common myths and understand facts about relationship abuse While these facts can be useful in pointing out the common themes in abusive relationships, it is usually not helpful to get too caught up in statistics. Often a participant will want to debate about a specific statistic as a way of taking the focus off of the real issue at hand, Rather than argue, the facilitator can point out the underlying purpose of sharing the statisti, for example “Okay, so you don't believe the number of women abused is that high, but can we agree that it happens far too often and that any abuse is too much abuse?” One photocopy of worksheet per participant Pens/pencils ‘Additional for GROUP: Four pieces of 8'/2 x 11 paper with "MYTH" printed largely on two pieces, and "FACT" printed largely on the other two pieces. Prizes or incentives for winning team “DV MYTH OR FACT QUIZ" Distribute first worksheet and pens or pencils to participant(s) Read or have participant(s) read each statement, aloud. Ask participant(s) whether they think the statement is a myth or a fact, After participant(s) have responded, read aloud the answer and corresponding facts from the second worksheet, Encourage participant(s) to summarize or expand upon the facts’, in their own words, in the space provided under each statement, IF desired, hand out ‘fact sheet’ to each participant to keep for their own information “DV GAME SHOW" Introduce activity as a ‘Game Show’ to test participants’ knowledge of myths and facts about, domestic violence. Facilitator can play the role of the game show host, or have a group member volunteer to play the host Split the group into two teams. Tell participants that the host will make a statement about domestic violence, and the teams will be given thirty seconds to discuss with their teammates and decide whether the statement is a myth or a fact. (Facilitator may need to review the meaning of the word ‘myth.’ When the hast calls ‘time’ after 30 seconds, a member of each team must hold up one of the signs - MYTH or FACT. A team that does not hold up its sign right away forfeits its chance to win points. If both teams get the right answer, they each get one point. If only one team gets the right answer, that team ears two points Optionally, facilitator may give teams the chance to win ‘bonus points’ if they can say why the statement is a myth or a fact. They do not have to guess the exact statistics, but demonstrate an understanding of the general concept behind the fact, at the facilitator’s discretion. After the game show is over award prizes and distribute worksheets and pens/pendils Read over each statement and the corresponding facts from the “Fact Sheet,” end instruct participants to fill in the facts, in their own words, under each statement, LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS |, “Opening Doors to Achievement,” LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS lll, “Envisioning Female Role Models, LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS lll, “Envisioning Male Role Models,” (page 36) 28Understanding Power & Control Tactics Consider the following definition of abuse: “Abuse is any attempt to gain power or control over another person using physical, emotional, sexual or financial tactics.” The Whee! you see on this page shows that Power end Control are at the center of an abusive relationship. In other words, abuse is when there is a pattern of one person trying to gain power and control over the other. One of the mast obvious or blatant ways to control another person is by using violence = such as hitting @ person, holding someone down or sexuelly assaulting someone. However there are other ways of controlling @ person that do nat include physical violence and are not so easy to spot. Instead of using physical or sexual Violence, many abusers may use verbal, emotional, psychological or financial tactics to control the ather person. Some examples of these forms of abuse are shown in between the ‘spokes’ of the wheel. They are more subtle so often people do not recognize them as abuse. But they are abuse, and they often lead to physical violence. Emotional Verbal fest + conser rte, | on ncaa ug gut tps ‘name-caliing, put-downs || or threats * Unwanted touching * ‘+ Playing mind gees | Prassuring partner for sex * aes . RET or | ‘Playful’ use of force during sex * N "The lent treatmene | 'gcung reer ie @ 2x ie + Spreading rumors or ie re telling secrets» Ins Drugging someone/having A crests partners race Oy Grunk or high to make» © Economic Abuse gestures /voice to scare herag | ean A. preventing partner portner sTrowng/smeshing N+ Damegr [entre 7 purer ‘ : Favored» Uy wane 7+ Kepng pare oan lowers cory Spee tet ent © ELS" Capea ey Rati he sera ceeoenee ee sera aes onransito pace eter wore Apacs Soca) ee eee oeaee things, showing wea ons, \Partna's + Disorimintion besed on gender « ising the belief thet males are superior to femsles, or 'N thet meles have certain privileges th be moked his/her om eats 7 penying, | Using STE sro na eve, 2 ceering cosine tbe on pares, ens sing» controling partner» ing the one cane ie curve abe cope: Z Minimizing» Children to define meletemae roles = Hea Somme 7 and Blaming |= Presirng \ Essecte te male 2 ne Beast {Denying they parter to get ve big decisions» "ules ssowmel mail 7 suce aang ite froperesUsng Joe aetorah net peony jaa its ot that sarous | ehitren es a way of are rat te same Ie 7 = Net taking pores I resting dependency + Aiea “ta corcrnsebothe abuse | Trestenng totale oy pees 5 seriously" Soying the porter cilren or ot ellow contact rougizon te ebae by [wie cidren «Hat o cpretngehe ar aent_y aeemng oer De cote om oor saying s/he deserves [| Teing or rractering to tel the epg from ‘he stuee “Not tng» chen negative things sbaut Pennie responsibity for ones [partner + Threatening to developed by the Te behave resort partner to cid ‘Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, Minnesota, (continued on next page) 5 01 Fret a bingeFor faciltator’s information see page 32 lUnderstanding Power & Control Tactics (continued) Each sentence below is an example of one of the tactics described in the “Power and Control” wheel ‘on the previous page. Draw a line to match the example on the left to the “Power and Control” tactic on the right. Jason has never hit Pat, but when he's angry he often scares Pat by punching walls or throwing things David makes Keira quit her job because he doesn’t trust the guys she works with. Instead, he says helll give her a weekly allowance — as long as she's “good.” Denise tells William that if he leaves her, she'll make sure that she gets full custody of their son and she will never let William see him. After hitting her, Robin tells Kim to stop crying and making such 4 big deal out of nothing, adding “! just get so out of control when | see you flirting with other people like that. If you didn't act like that | wouldn't have to hurt you.” Rosario bad-mouths Kristin's friends all the time. Finally, he tells her he doesn't want her hanging out with them anymore because they're all a bunch of ‘hoes. Eva wants to have sex and Lynell isn’t ready. Eva says if he doesn’t want her, she'll have to tell everyone he's gay, and get her sexual needs met by a ‘real man’ Dillan and Dee are eating dinner with friends when Dillan says jokingly to Dee, “Are you sure you're gonna have dessert? | don't know, baby, that stuff is going right to your butt.” While Kian listens to his girlfriend's ideas, he expects that he should always make the final decisions because he is the man. at A, Isolation 8 Extreme Jealousy B, Denying, Minimizing and Blaming G. Using critaren PD. sexism ,, Financial/Economic Abuse F. Sexual Coercion G. insmideton 8 Threats TH. emorionai/verbot abuse 220 ptt tn 48Facilitator's Information for Understanding Power & Control Tactics Purpass Background information: Group Activity: Alternative Group Activity: Answer Key: Use In Conjunction Wit To identify and understand some of the many different tactics abusers use to gsin power and control over their partners The ‘whee! of power and contrat is a visual depiction of the way in which many different abusive tactics can be used to gain power and control. Power and Control’ is written in the center of the wheel, because an abusive relationship is based an and motivated by one partner's desire to gain power and ‘control over the other. In between the ‘spokes’ of the wheel are some of the many different behaviors abusers use to gain power and control. On the rim of the wheel is physical violence, because itis the ‘most visible form of abuse and the tactics on the inside of the wheel lead to physical abuse. (One photocopy of each worksheet per participant Pens / pencils ‘Additional for GROUP: —Flipchart’ and markers blackboard and chelk ne additional copy of second worksheet, cut up into eight strips of paper with one situation on each paper Tepe “POWER & CONTROL MATCH UP" Draw a large outline of the wheel with headings anly on board or flipchart. Distribute first worksheet, the ‘wheal’ of power & control, Review and explain the whee! visually. Review each section of the wheel, reading the heeding and the examples listed on the worksheet. ‘Ask group members if they can think of examples. Pass out pieces of paper with scenarios fram second worksheet. if you have mare than 8 group members, you can make up additional examples, or just ask for 8 group members to volunteer: ‘Ask each group member with @ paper to read his or her scenario aloud, decide where on the wheel that ‘exemple falls and tape the piece of paper on the large wheel. Ask the rest of the group if they agree, end if not, where they think it should go. Repeat this with each scenario until there is en example taped to each section of the wheel. Provide “answer key" and review the answers Distribute photocopies of second worksheet and instruct teens to draw a line from each scenario to the tactic it represents. “NAMING THE TACTICS" Give participant the copy of first worksheet and read or have participant read eloud the explanation ‘above the pawer and control wheel Review and explain the wheel visually first (see background information) Review each section of the wheel, first reading the examples listed and then asking the participant if s/he ccan think of examples. ‘After reviewing the wheel, give participant the copy of second warksheet and pen or pencil. Together read ‘each scenario and ask teen to draw a line to which type of controling behavior the situation is an exemple of, Participant may refer to the Power & Control Whee! in order to complete the worksheet. After participant has finished matching the examples to the behavior, provide the "answer key” and review each answer, explaining any mistakes, “POWER 8 CONTROL ROLE PLAYS" Break the group into pairs. Assign each pair a section of the wheel Instruct participants that each pair of participants has ten minutes to come up with a rale-pley «demonstrating one of the poser and control tactics named in the section of the wheel they have been assigned. If some group members are not comfortable role-playing, they can write a short scene and read it to the group, or even write a song or poem. If participants are having @ herd time coming up with ideas, facilitator may give them the corresponding scene fram the ‘match up’ activity on the second worksheet as a starting point if they haven't already completed this activity Reconvene the larger group and have each pair present its role-play or scene. Process after each pair has presented by asking the group what power and control tactic was demonstrated and how. M6 BE GC MBA GF MH wo LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS IV, ‘Letting Go Of Other's Expectations,” (page 42) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS IV, “Letting Go of the Need to Contra,” (page 43) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS V, “Its Your Choice,” (page 11) 92The opposite of an abusive relationship (one based on power and control) is a healthy relationship, which is based on Equality. When both people in a relationship believe they are equal, and neither tries to gain power or control over the other, the result is a non-violent and healthy relationship. The ‘Equality Wheel’ below shows equality as the center of the healthy relationship. Inside the ‘spokes’ of the wheel are examples of behaviors that go on in a relationship based on equality. Non-threatening behavior Both partners talk and act, so the other feels comfortable expressing his/her opinions and ‘making his/her own decisions. Both Both partners always feel encourage each others ‘safe around goals, acknowledge talents ‘| the other: and strengths, valuing feelings and opinions even when different \ from their own, respecting privacy, listening non-judgerentally, Connections with Others Both partners maintain friendships and family relationships, enjoy” activities outside of the relationship and make their Honesty ‘own decisions abouts and where they go, what“ Accountability Both partners they do and who, they arey * accept responsibility with, © for their own actions, acknowledge mistakes and admit when wrong, communicate openly ‘and truthfully, trusting each other and are trustworthy Trust \ and Support I Safety Both partners are I able to say “no” to any J 92a behavior they are not Comfortable with, honor and respect each other's 52a decisions, communicate about, 7 tagcnentence 1 sex, end practice 7 gn menende J ‘sete sex’ if Z control their own money | Financial/ Economic sexually 7 and have equal control of active. 7 household money. When gifts are given they are given freely and without expectation for anything in turn, There are no demands for money or material items Negotiation and Fairness Both partners have equal decision-making power T Ne end ar wiling to ..\__ compromise. Rules and | Responsible “agreements are made | Parenting \ together and Both partners. =” apply equally I communicete and "to both J ™=ke responsible decisions about pregnancy. I if parenting, both share J "e8eonsibilties and are positive, non-violent I role modets for children. Adapted from The Whee! developed bythe Domestic Abuse Intervention Project. ‘Duluth, Minnesots (contoued on rox pag 33For faciltator’s information see page 36. lct Understanding quality (continued) Each sentence below is an example of the behaviors described in the “Equality Wheel” on the previous page. Draw a line to match the examples on the left to the Equality Behaviors on the right. Sarsh is member of a choir group and has been invited to go on a week-long tour with the men and women in the choir. Her partner Josh tells her he will miss her, but encourages her to go because he knows she enjoys the company of the other choir members and will have @ chance to see parts of the country she has never seen before. Honesty and Accountability Chris and Armeen had a bad fight last night and Armeen punched B, Sexual Safety @ hole in the wall. Armeen spologizes and says Chris doesn't deserve to be treated that way. He agrees to see a counselor, and follows through with his promise. Danny and Taria have a child together. Danny works at night so he can take care of the baby during the day while Taria is in school, and once @ week they share the cost of @ babysitter so they can take parenting classes. Trust and Support When Natasha tells Dennis that the girls are getting together for a friend's birthday on Friday, Dennis says he will miss their regular Friday night together but encourages her to have @ good time. Dennis makes plans to play ball with the guys. Non-threatening Behavior J. } When Cynthia tells Adam she would lke to take him out to dinner, E., Responsible Perenting } she pays; Adam then offers to pay for the movie, and Cynthia } agrees to this. Steven and Maria often argue. Even though Steven is twice Maria's Financial/ Economic size, he never uses his size or strength to intimidate her, and Meria Independence is never afraid to say what she thinks. They respect each other's opinions and feelings On their third date, Ken wants to have sex but Karen isn't ready, Connection with Others 80 he doesn't pressure her. Although it's awkward, they discuss their feelings about sex. When they're both ready they go to the health center for HIV tests and birth contral Lee wants to go to a movie tonight and Sam wants to go to a Negotiation and Faimess concert. They agree that since the concert is a one-time thing, they will go to that tonight and Sam will change his schedule around tomorrow so they can go to the movie together. E3 220 ptt tn 48Facilitator’s Information for Understanding Equality Purpass Background Information: Group Activity: Answer Key: Use In Conjunction wit To identify and understand some of the beheviors found in heslthy relationships based on equality ‘The ‘Equality Wheel is the flip-side of the ‘Power and Control Wheel.’ It is a visual depiction of a healthy relationship. in the center of the whee! is equality, because healthy relationships are based on the belief that both partners are of equal value, and the relationship is @ 50/0 partnership. In between the ‘spokes’ of the \wheel are behaviors that support equality and that are commonly seen in this type of relationship, On the ‘outside is non-violence, because there will never be violence in this type of relationship (ne photocopy of each worksheet per participant: Pens/pencils Additional for GROUP: Additional photocopy of second worksheet, cut up into eight pieces of paper with one situation on each paper Tape Flipchart and markers /blackboard and chalk “EQUALITY MATCH-UP This activity should be done as a follow-up to Understanding Power & Control Tactics. Explain thet this activity is about the opposite of a relationship based on power and control — it's about @ healthy relationship, one based on equality ‘Ahead of time, draw a large outline of the wheel on board or flipchart with the headings only for each section written in Distribute first worksheet, the equality wheel. Review end explain the wheel visually (see background information), Review each section of the wheel, reading the heading and the examples listed on the worksheet. Ask ‘group members if they can think of examples in their own lives, in the lives of people they know, or in TV shows or movies. Pass out pieces of paper with scenarios fram page two. If you have more then 8 group members you can ‘make up additional examples, or just ask for 8 group members to volunteer. ‘Ask each group member with a paper to read his or her scenario aloud, decide where on the wheel that ‘example falls and tape the piece of paper on the large wheel. Ask the rest of the group if they agree, end if not, where they think it should go. Repeat this with esch scenario until there is en example taped to each section of the wheel. Provide the “answer key" and review answers. Distribute photocopies of page two and instruct teens to draw a line from each scenario to the behavior it represents. "EQUALITY MATCH-UP* This activity should be done as a follow-up to Understanding Power & Control Tactics. Explain thet this activity is about the opposite of a relationship based on power and control — it's about a healthy relationship, one based on equality Give participant: a copy of the first worksheet, the equality wheel, and read or have participant read the introductory paragraph. Review and explain the wheel visually first (see background information) Review each section of the wheel, first reading the examples listed and then asking the participant if s/he can think of any examples in his/her life in the lives of people s/he knows, or in TV shows or mavies. After reviewing the wheel, give participant page two and a pen or pencil. Explain that this is @ match-up {game to see how well s/he understands the ideas in the equality wheel. Together read each scenario, and ‘ask participant to draw a line from each scenario to the example it represents ‘After participant has finished matching the examples to the behavior, provide the ‘answer key’ and review each answer, explaining any mistakes, MC @A GE WG OF GO 7B WH LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS Il, “What Are Your Lifesavers,” (page 46) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS IV, ‘Deepening Relationships,” (page 28) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS V, “Setting Boundaries,” (page 41) CROSSING THE BRIDGE, (pages 49, 50, 51)Emotional abuse is a way of hurting someone without necessarily being physical. It's when one person in a relationship tries to control the other person's feelings or thoughts in order to gain power over them. Some examples of emotional abuse (also called mental, verbal or psychological abuse) are listed below. Check any that you have done to this person, or that this person has done to you. have done This person to this person has done to me Put-downs; Caling names, teling them they're stupid or ugly, teling them theyre not good enough or no one could ever love them ¥ Frequently cursing or yelling at the other person > Threatening or intimidating - making the other person feel nervous or scared for themselves or someone they care about Frequently criticizing or correcting the other person - the way they look, talk, act, etc. y Lying or cheating ¥ Playing mind games or making the other person think theyre crazy ‘y Putting responsibility for your behavior on the other person 1 Making fun of or putting down the other person's family, culture, religion, race or heritage ¥ Embarrassing or humiliating the other person, especially in front of other people Withholding affection as punishment - not giving them love if they don't do what you want them to do ‘y Controlling behavior - telling the other person what to do, whet to weer, who to heng out with, etc. > Making all the decisions in the relationship and ignoring the other person's feelings ‘y Guilt trips - trying to make the other person feel guilty when you don't get your way. especially by threatening to hurt yourself or commit suicide ‘y Keeping the ather person from spending time with their friends or family members, or from work or other activities that: are important: to him/her Using the children to get the other person to do what: you want ¥ Being extremely jealous, and using jealousy to justify controling behavior ‘y- Threatening to break up with the other person if you don't get your way y Saying you don't love the other person just to get him/her to do what you want ‘y Accusing the other person of cheating on you as 8 way of manipulating him/her to do what you want, ‘y Keeping constant tabs on 2 person, expecting to know his/her every move Here are some examples of emotional abuse | have experienced in my life (not necesserily from the person above) ‘Am | being emotionally abused by my partner? _ Yes _ No Have | been emotionally abused in the past? Yes __ No ‘Am | being emotionally abusive to my partner? _ Yes __ No Have | been emotionally abusive in the past? Yes — No 37 250 pti ng tsFacilitator’s Information for Focus on Emotional Abuse Purpose: Group or Individual + Activity: = 2 3 4 8 7 Alternative Group Retivity: 4 2 3 4 5. 6 7 8 8 10. Use In Conjunction Wi To develop a deeper understanding of the meaning of emational abuse, and identify instances when perticipant(s) have been emotionally abused or abusive Participants should be reminded thet it is not one incident of any of these behaviors thet makes a reationship ‘abusive ~ itis an ongoing pattern of ane person using these behaviors to gain power and cantral aver the other. ne photocopy of worksheet per particioant Pens/pencils “EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN MY RELATIONSHIP Distribute worksheet(s) and read or have a participant volunteer to read aloud the introductary paragraph. ‘Ask participant(s if they believe that every time someone gets their feelings hurtin a relationship, it means sameane is being abusive. Ask for examples of how feelings get hurt in @ non-abusive relationship, and acknowiedge that hurt feelings occur in ail relationships, Instruct participants) to identify the relationship they will evaluate, and write the person's name in the box if they are comfortable doing so Read or have articipant(s) read loud each example of emotionally abusive behavior Instruct them ta check any type of emotional atuse they have experienced, and invite group members to share examples if they wish ‘After completing the lst, ask participants) to think about one specific exemple of emotional abuse they have experienced, not necessarily by the person in the relationship they evaluated above. Stress that while everyone may not have been in a relationship where there was a pattern af one person contralling the other, everyone has maniguiated another person or been manipulated before. Instruct participant(s) to write one such example in the space provided. If working with a group, invite participant(s) to share with the graup an example af emational abuse they have experianced (es abuser or bused) ‘Ask the participantis] ta decide for themselves whether they think they are or have been emotionally abused or abusive, and check the appropriate boxes at the bottom of the page. “CONTINUUM OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE” Materials: Flipchart end markers If working with a large group, divide into smaller workgroups of three to five people. Give each group a lange piece of fpchart paner and markers, FRead the definition of Emotional Abuse from the top of the Facus an Emotional Abuse’ worksheet. Instruct each group to brainstorm as meny examples of emotional abuse they can think of. Tell them to be specific vith their examples — instead of saying ‘put downs,’ give several specifies examples of common put-downs in emotionally abuse relationships. Also suggest that they think beyond just verbal abuse to other non-verbal examples of ernotional or psychological abuse Give groups five ta ten minutes to complete this task FReconvene the larger group. Ask for @ representative from each workgraup to read and explain the lists, Aer reviewing all ofthe ists, draw a long, horizontal line to represent. @ Continuum of emational abuse. The line can be drawn on a blackboard or on several pieces of fipchart paper, laid horizontally and taped on the wall side by side, On one end af the continuum write the words “rast subtle" and on the ather end write “mast extreme.” Review the concept of g ‘continuum’ with participants. Explain thet emotional abuse can range fram very subtle to vary overt. The group's task isto place examples from their lists on the cantinuum, ranging from subtle examples ta extreme, or overt, examples. ‘Ask for someane to call out ny example of emotional abuse. Then ask the group where an the continuum fram subtle to extreme the example should fal. White the example, or abbreviated versian of it, on the cantinuum. Fpeat until @ range of exemples have been writen on the continuum, Process with the folowing questions: “Are the more subtle exemples necessarily less painful to the victim? “Wy is it that often people dant recognize the more subtle forms of ematianal abuse as abuse? "At what point on the continuum does emotional abuse begin to be labeled es abuse by society in general? “Do any participants what to share exarmples of times they have been emotionally abused, either by a partner, friend or family member? LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS |, “Emotions,” (page 7) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS IV, “Deepening Relationships,” (page 28) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS V “Combating Emotional Abuss" (page 8) CROSSING THE BRIDGE, (pages 12, 28, 29, 30, 31)Lucy came to counseling because she was feeling very depressed and anxious. She had been ving with Will for about @ year, but things weren't going too well. Will was threatening to leave her because he said she treated him like dirt, and Lucy felt terrible about this but didn't know what she could do to make him happy. She had asked him to go for couples counseling with her, but he said she was the one who was emotionally unstable 50 she should get psychologioal help alone. Lucy explained to her counselor that one of Will's main complaints was that she didn't, satisfy him sexually. She worked the late shift because she was taking college courses during the day, 50 she was often too tired for sex at night. Will told her that she was being selfish and didn't care about his needs as a man. He wanted her ta drop out of college because he thought it was taking away from her duties at, home, including cooking nd taking care of the Lucy and household. He also told her there are a lot. of women who would be happy to ‘take care of his needs,’ and Lucy worried that he would leave her for someone else Lucy was feeling very lonely. When she wasn't working, she was usually home alone because Will was either at work or out with his friends. When asked about whether she goes out with her own friends, she replied that she had lost touch with most of her friends since she had been living with Will. Will said her friends were @ bad influence on her because most of them were single and he thought they were always trying to pick up men. Every time Lucy went out with her friends it turned into an argument between her and Will so after & while she didn't bother. She hed also grown apart fram her family members because there was 3 lot of tension between Will and her parents. ® Names and situations are not based an real peopl. 39Facilitator’s Information for Case Study: Emotional Abuse Purpose: Background Information: Activity: Alternative Group Acti To apply knowledge about: power and control tactics to a case study in order to better understand the dynamics of abusive relationships This case study gives some examples of behaviors that are ‘typical’ in emotionally abusive and controlling relationships. The characters in this case study are not based on real people. One photocopy of worksheet per participant One photocopy of page one of Understanding Power & Control Tactics per participant Pens/Pencils “EXAMINING LUCY AND WILL'S* RELATIONSHIP" Tell participants that this new activity is going to be based on the knowledge they gained in the previous activity, Understanding Power and Control Tactios. Hend out copies of page one of Understanding Pawer and Control Tactics and the case study. Read or have participant(s) read aloud Lucy and Wills story. Ask participants what examples of power and control tactics they see in this case study. As participants name examples, ask them to explain and write the examples on the flipchart or board. Process as you go along. Be sure to address examples of emiationaVverbal abuse, sexual coercion, sexism and isolation Instruct participants to write examples of power and control tactics in the space provided. "MORE CASE STUDIES" After completing the above activity, split group members into pairs 2. Tell participants that. they are each going to be responsible for developing their awn case studies to be read or acted for the group. They can either make up a new one, or write or act out @ scene from a movie or a book Allow participants ten minutes to develop their case studies. Then instruct pairs to take turns reading or acting their case studies for the rest of the group, After everyone has read or acted out their case studies, process with the larger group by asking ‘group members to point out all of the examples of power and control tactios they can think of LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS II, ‘Depressed? Feeling Blue?, " (page 16) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS lll, “Passive Aggressive,” [page 6) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS V, “Combating Emotional Abuse,” (page 3) * Names and situations are not based on real peopl.Physical abuse is any behavior that is meant to cause hurt to another person’s body or to control another person’s physical freedom or movement. One person may abuse another using his or her ‘own physical strength, using an object or weapon, or using size or presence to intimidate or control the other. Some examples of physical abuse are below. Thave done This person heck any that you have done to this person or they have done to you. to this person has done to me Pushing or shoving a oo”. Grabbing oa ao Hitting. slapping or punching a Oo Pulling hair oa oa Kicking a a ‘Choking a a Holding someone down or holding their arm so they can’t walk away oa a Throwing objects at another person a oa Use of weapons to hurt or threaten someone a o Biting a a Pinching aq a Spitting a g ‘Arm twisting oO O Burning a Go Carrying someone against their will a a ‘Trapping someone in a room or car a og ‘Abandoning someone in an unsafe place gq a Chasing a o ‘Standing in the doorway to block the other person from leaving a o_, Hiding car keys, shoes, clothes or money s0 the other person can't leave oa a ‘Standing in front of/behind car to prevent person from leaving a O ‘Sabotaging car to prevent person from leaving a oa Feefusing to help someone when theyre sick or injured a a Following or stalking a o Here ars some examples of physical abuse I have experienced in my life (not necessarily from the person ahove): ‘Am | being physically abused by my partner? __ Yes _No Have | been physically abused in the past? —__ Yes _ No ‘Am | being physically abusive to my partner? __ Yes __ No Have | been physically abusive in the past? © _ Yes _ No at 220 ptt tn 0Facilitator’s Information for Focus on Physical Abuse Purpose: Group or Individual 4 Activity: = 2 3 Alternative Group Activity: 4 2. 3 4 5 6 7 8 8 10. Use In Conjunction With: To develop a deeper understanding of the meaning of physical abuse ‘To identify instances when participants have been physically abused or abusive ‘The definition of physical abuse used here includes ‘using size or presence to intimidate or contro! nother person This means that one does not necessarily have to touch another person to abuse them physically. The rationale is that every person should be able to control his or her own physical body, including having freedom of physical movement, at all times. When someone takes that control away from another person, they are abusing that person's physica being, albeit using psychological tactics to do so. ne photocopy of worksheet per participant Pens/ pencils Option: Flip chart and markers/blackboard and chalk “PHYSICAL ABUSE IN MY RELATIONSHIP” Distribute worksheet(s) and read or have a volunteer read aloud the introductory paragraph Instruct perticipant(s) to identify 6 relationship they will evaluate, end write the person's name in the box if they are comfortable doing so, FRead or have participantis) read aloud each example of physically abusive behavior. Instruct participant(s) who are comfortable doing so to check any type of physical abuse they have experience. Facilitator may invite group members to share examples if they wish, and guide the group in offering support. After completing the list, ask participants] ta think about ane specific exemple of physical abuse they have experienced, nat necessarily by the person in the relationship they evaluated above. Stress that while everyone may not have been in a relationship where there was a pattern of one person physically abusing the other, many people have experienced at least ane af the more subtle farms of physical abuse by @ partner acquaintance or family member. (Give examples of being tragped in 8 room or car, being smacked by a friend, etc.) Ask participantis) to write one such example in the space provided, ‘Ask participant(s) to decide for themselves whether they think they are or have been physically abused or abusive, and check the appropriate baxes at the bottom of the page. Process whether participantis] have learned anything new fram this activity, whether enyane has realized for the first time that they have been involved in a physically abusive relationship and what that feels like, and if 50, what steps need to be taken based on this realization. “CONTINUUM OF PHYSICAL ABUSE” Materials: Flipchart end markers If working with a large group, divide ita smaller workgroups of three to five people. Give each group a lange piece of fpchert paper and markers, Read the definition of physical abuse from the top of the ‘Focus on Physical Abuse’ worksheet. Instruct each group to brainstorm as many examples of physical abuse they can think of. Tel them to be specific vith their examples — instead of saying ‘beat, break it dawn into specifics Ike ‘slap, ‘punch,’ ‘kick’ Also suggest that participants go beyond the most comman examples and try to think of very subtle and very extreme forms of abuse {remind them that the definition includes ‘using size or presence ta intimidate or contro! the other’ Give groups five ta ten minutes to complete this task FReconvene the larger group, and ask for a representative from each workgroup to reed and explain the lst. ‘After reviewing all ofthe lists, draw a long, horizontal lin to represent @ Continuum of physical abuse, The line can be drawn on a blackboard or on several pieces of fipchart paper, laid horizontally and taped on the wal side by side, On one end of the continuum wirita the words ‘mast subtle” and on the other end write “mast extreme.” FReview the concept ofa ‘continuum’ with participants. Explain that physical abuse can range fram very subtle to very overt, The group's task isto place examples from their lists on the continuum, ranging from subtle examples ta extreme, or overt, examples. ‘Ask for someone to call ot eny exemple of physical abuse. Then ask the group where on the continuum fromm subtle to extreme the exemple should fall. White the example, or abbreviated versian of it, on the continuum. FRepeat until @ range of examples have been written on the continuum, Process with the folowing questions: © ‘Are the more subtle examples necessariy less peinful (physically or emotionally) to the victim? * Why is it that often peaple dant recognize the more subtle forms of physicel abuse as abuse? * At what point on the continuum daes physical abuse begin to be labeled as abuse by society in general? * Do any participants what to share exarmples of times they have been physically abused, either by a partner, friend or family member? LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS 1, “Right to Change,” (page 11) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS tll “Journal Keaping,” (page 14) LIFE MANAGEMENT SKILLS VI, ‘My Ply,” [page 6) 42Sexual abuse is any sexual behavior that is forced, coerced or manipulated. It includes sexual harassment, which is discussed in more detail in the separate worksheet Focus on Sexual Harassment. Sexual abuse overlaps with the other types of abuse, because it can be physical (such as forced sex], verbal (such as sexual threats) or emotional (such as using sexual behavior to humiliate someone.) ‘Some examples of sexual abuse are listed below. Have had Check any that you have ever done to someone or someone else has done to you. thavedone done to me > Threatening to break up with your partner if they refuse sexual acts d oD ‘> Thneatening to hurt the another person or someone they care about if they refuse sexual acts > Lying to or manipulating someone to get them to agree to sexual behavior > Ripping or tearing st someone's clothes > Unwanted grabbing or touching of someone's rear end, breasts, or genital areas > Forcing someone to take off their clothes > Physically forcing someone into any kind of sexual behavior ~ even when they have agreed to one form of sex but not to another > Sex while one person is too drunk or high to make a sound decision about sex Forcing someone into sexual acts with a third person » Forcing someone to watch sex between others > Taking pictures or videos of someone undressing or involved in sexual behavior without the person's consent > Any sexual activity between en adult and child or & child and @ much younger child > Rape with an object > Sex that hurts > Withholding sex as @ way of manipulating someone into doing what you want > Making partner dress in a sexier way or less sexy way > Sexual harassment (see Focus on Sexual Harassment for details an this form of sexual abuse.) O00 oo0000 oo000 oooogo go00 g00000 o000 aao0nod Ihave experienced: ‘Am | being sexually abused by my partner? _ Have | been sexuslly abused in the past? —-_Yes _ No ‘Am | being sexually abusive to my partner? _ Yes _ No Have | been sexually abusive in the past? 43 220 ptt tn 48