WHEN I WAS GROWING UP Nellie Wong I know now that once I longed to be white, How? you ask. Let me tell you the ways. when I was growing up, people told me Twas dark and I believed my own darkness inthe mirror, in my soul, my own narrow vision. ‘when I was growing up, my sisters with fair skin got praised for their beauty and I fell further, crushed between high walls. when I was growing up, [read magazines tnd saw movies, blonde movie stars, white skin, sensuous lips and to be elevated, to become ‘a woman, a desirable woman, | began to wear imaginary pale skin, when I was growing up, I was proud cof my English, my grammar, my spelling, fitting into the group of smart children, smart Chinese children, fiting in, belonging, getting in line when I was growing up and went to high school, 1 discovered the rich white girls, a few yellow gil their imported cotton dresses, their cashmere sweaters, their curly hair and I thought that I too should have ‘what these lucky girls had, when I was growing up, I hungered for American food, American styles coded: white and even to me, a child bom of Chinese parents, being Chinese was feeling foreign, was limiting, was unAmerican, ‘when I was growing up and a white man wanted to take me out, | thought I was special, ‘an exotic gardenia, anxious to fit the stereotype of an oriental chick ‘when I was growing up, I felt ashamed of some yeliow men, their small bones, their frail bodies, their spitting on the streets their coughing, their lying in sunless rooms shooting themselves in the arms. when I was growing up, people would ask If were Filipino, Polynesian, Portuguese.They named all colors except white, the shell of my soul but not my rough dark skin, when I was growing up, I felt dinty, Tthought that god made white people clean and no matter how much I bathed, could not change, I could not shed ry skin in the gray water. when I was growing up, I swore I would run away to purple mountains, houses by the sea with nothing over my head, with space to breathe, ‘uncongested with yellow people in an area called Chinatown, in an area I later Tearmed was a ghetto, one of many hearts of Asian America | know now that once I longed to be white, ‘How many more ways? you ask, Havent I told you enough?MOK, aN) YMG mL pA IAT HON, AIT AW AL ony songy-pruy 104 ‘uy Apeauye sem ays ‘aun sep Ag. ,'s|aF 128un0€ amp yas dn Busdaoy, inoge Busypes ‘spreoq ynowtd Jo SYoeq a4p OUT soutm todo Tuiddexm ‘yas "A.L aq Jo 1W045 UIs pjnom ays “FUIUDAa 210] 94 UT ‘poorZogyala no ur jupjd soquons9|9 ay 40y spomaoatd Zuyop soypour KUL saquauias [ "woog Jomndwos oy way pur “Aiors"y 19qqNy Buryoruo-inujeA ‘vo pue S194 zea ayy YAOI on sem oym ‘aqlou J9q 0} J9A0 sdy pue Atepes 194 Jo I[e WAM} oF fue Sure ¢ 18 atoje autoy Surges 2ay 928 [INS WeD | “t -yorero1y-uou ‘onuayane ou ‘sn jo apisino pue sanjasimo urysea KwoUD 2qp FunueU moyrta “uoIssaiddo uso Ino Jo aaunos a4 YBa Su ddess leana10oy © wos Soin st se ‘umozg Bufoq st sv-Auioaod e st wsrueigso ‘Anunoo sit Uy ede uoneisusd 2 Ayo1ouu oe unoug so peaysut ous Bur40o] 07 poysene soBapratid oy DouD.94pip aup ‘A]rUNey two Au fo ose ou UE pue “IUEVEIQ s1 LoNDIU. “09 ou "848 oo] NOX Kem Aue Hoag BuNOs yog 94944 “aqdiound ‘ues yp Yan Aayord sat “Youjel Says asnes9q Uore9q BuIOg saaisis Au JL 244P # Bu2q 105 J2anrs atp uo uareaq aq pIn09 | Pa: sieaid ‘os yure [118 aurgys.v ayy Buryoo} Jo Sof ays yoUp st HuLAeS wre | 3OY.A, ‘uo ofqeI:AdUt UE st HoRZ0UUOD ayp “2UL 104 “uoRZoULOS aq Jo ynsar stp 0) a[gisuodsas aq o1 Bune st auo Jt- wonraUU0> jeu Jo YSU ay B81 01 Bu st uO 1 JOyIO EGA VONALEIS SIM WIOMS SI pur omypasd azyqeas 01 Kanxny amp aAey am “RULES AypeoisKyd rou ‘uP 94 UDG “2BH] 494 Jo ISOUE A]I9q TIA ® Pay sey auO Uayar <|dueys 3S0UL [95 PuE “wy Jo HOYS BumIHOL sq “PoTO0} 9q jo "MORBATEYS OHEL 1H Jo AOUD]S aq} UH PamorTea ‘SApopAoWY ay YEA PazeI> aTMOUTY ap HIE poyse peg ‘Souog AU UF IF yI9y PEN “HEEGSD] sea J Jeu SIEOK 10} UMOUY peY [OYTO a4p SMOTIOy 240 ‘sfujaq uourng 99yj JOU ase 34 {emp aur op zapurtzay aprons sou ap ag 03 sanutyaoa 11 pu “worssazddo yoan 20 fe scope muong, ue aouoyts inoqejsour ayp pauseo] 2Aey | yoy YTNoryLonUaAE IUASt lusiueiqsa| Ky “pazy|eaa Sem — eueary:) pue “pareanpaun ‘sood SuI9q 1 onp- uorssaiddo s,royou Kur 10y Ayredwo pue yim voneatgnuop! aqueoy Aur rey) “ysoU ay? 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OWA UOLLOM us joeINOD OUT oUF 1YBNOIg, Sey IT ~AIDAODSIP 9q 0} soMANUOD I] ‘ur 0} Astros s[aap OM stop AysA St EYL, "SONS! popos you are sou ‘inqjo Jo asuindxa 241 1e ‘Apuexoust “1 payzom | way pur ‘ur putes poyom 1: uayss tog ‘aBo|tAtid ozsuBo9a4 OF pasnjou | UOYM Sud 94) += sig nog AiBue [2aj | ‘paydeag pue Payoeajq YI0g f29} | MOU “]2A\ UL 9] pInom souat>suoD se ny se aBO|LALd UOIUUO}LIE- WAyINOS yey Jo axem aut apo4 | yey pue ‘Sanyea auy premor padse pue {ai payauopr | “Buryoo|-oucs wre | wey 19ey ion yo ona Aq “Opt ‘Au yo Sou 10) yeyp 1985 O41 YIEA Koo0I ySMUL | 40]09 4F>y) 10) Pasnge *Tama welder. Not an alchemist. 1 am interested in the blend of common elements to make a common thing ‘No magic here. Only the heat of my desire to fuse what I already know exists. Is possible ‘We plead to each other, we all come from the same rock we all come from the same rock ignoring the fact that we bend at different temperatures that each of us is malleable up to a point. Yes, fusion is possible but only if things get hot enough — all else is temporary adhesion, patching up. Its the intimacy of steel melting into steel, the fire of our individual passion fo take hold of ourselves that makes sculpture of our lives, builds buildings, And Iam not talking about skyscrapers, merely structures that can support us without fear of trembling. The Welder For too long a time the heat of my heavy hands has been smoldering in the pockets of other people's business- they need oxygen to make fire. Tam now ‘coming up for air Yes, lam picking up the torch. Tam the welder. understand the capacity of heat to change the shape of things. Tam suited to work within the realm of sparks out of control. Tam the welder. Tam taking the power into my own hands, Cherrie MoragaA Faint Smell of Meat In their minds 1, who smell faintly of meat, my house where bones hang stripped entirely of muscle, and my street where youths wander without restraint making loud music from coconut shells strung with skin, are all at the furthest point of our town But I keep assuring them we stand at the forefront. - Sukirtharani