Us

Terrence Real
Harmony/Rodale

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Created by Maria Raluca – Last synced April 4, 2024

Yellow

Family pathology is like a fire in the woods taking down all 9

in front of it until someone turns to face the flames.” Slowly I
began to face those flames, mainly because I couldn’t stand
the idea of failing my own children, my family, in the manner
that I felt I’d been failed.

December 30, 2023

Maybe you’re not the explosive type. Instead of lashing out, 12
you shut down because you’re either disgusted (I don’t need
this!) or overwhelmed (I can’t handle this!) or both at the
same time.

December 30, 2023

Your desire is to finally get through to them, or to finally be 12

left the hell alone

January 5, 2024

Or you just want to be left unperturbed. Why can’t she just 12

accept you as you are? You signed up for marriage, not a
lifelong self-improvement course!

January 5, 2024

two types of couples 13

January 5, 2024

those who fight and those who distance 13

January 5, 2024

do both 13
January 5, 2024

Hailstorm and tortoise 13

January 5, 2024

alone together 13

January 5, 2024

again. We forget that the person we’re excoriating or 14

stonewalling is the one we care about most in our lives

January 5, 2024

We look at our partner through the wrong end of a telescope, 14

and they seem pitiful or overwhelming or both

January 5, 2024

career. I’m a turnaround guy 14

January 5, 2024

Would you like to feel heard 14

January 5, 2024

can you satisfy your partner’s need to feel listened to as well? 14

January 5, 2024

moments, that you and your partner stand on the same side? 15

January 5, 2024

that you love this person 15

January 5, 2024

Do you remember 15

January 5, 2024

that heated moment when fear or righteous anger courses 15

through your veins, that you love this person?

January 5, 2024

when your body shuts dow 15

January 5, 2024

for the life of you, you can barely squeak out a word or two 15

January 5, 2024

the sweetness between you, the sense of the two of you as a 15

team facing the world together, the sense of us, is nearly
impossible to locate.

January 5, 2024

The good news 15

January 5, 2024

love is still there 15

January 5, 2024

The bad news 15

January 5, 2024
stored 15

January 5, 2024

parts 15

January 5, 2024

you no longer inhabit 15

January 5, 2024

Us evaporates and becomes you and me 15

January 5, 2024

adversaries 15

January 5, 2024

of I win, you lose 15

January 5, 2024

variables, it may take only a slight tap on the egg to produce 16

fissures that can last a lifetime.

January 5, 2024

What are the stressors? 16

January 5, 2024

What is the dynamic, the choreography, between you? 16

January 5, 2024

The central question 16

January 5, 2024

Which part of you am I talking to? 16

January 5, 2024

mature part of you 16

January 5, 2024

present in the here and now 16

January 5, 2024

Wise Adult 16

January 5, 2024

cares about us. 16

January 5, 2024

triggered part of you 16

January 5, 2024

adversarial you and me consciousness 16

January 5, 2024

prism of the past 16

January 5, 2024

overreacting 16
January 5, 2024

someone is reacting to may no longer be what’s in front of 16

them

January 5, 2024

and healing gift of their presence 17

January 5, 2024

present, not saturated by your past 17

January 5, 2024

misnomer. You don’t remember trauma; you relive it. 17

January 5, 2024

most of us do not reenact the experience of the trauma itself. 17

January 5, 2024

coping strategy 17
January 5, 2024

evolved to deal with 17

January 5, 2024

the Adaptive Child part of you is rigid 18

January 5, 2024

culture at large feeds off of Adaptive Children 19

January 5, 2024

threatened by mature adults 19

January 5, 2024

rounds, I begin to feel as though I could say the sky is blue, 20

and Dan will tell me it’s aquamarine. He’s

January 5, 2024

how I feel witnessing their behavior. 20

January 5, 2024

What has Dan’s Adaptive Child adapted to? How did Dan get 20
bent into his current relational stance of evasion?

January 5, 2024

who tried to control you while you were growing up?” 21

January 5, 2024

always be respectful of the exquisite intelligence of the 21

Adaptive Child

January 5, 2024

Adaptive then, maladaptive now 22

January 5, 2024

you and me Adaptive Child 22

January 5, 2024

automatic, a knee-jerk response 22

January 5, 2024

Adaptive Child fixers are fueled by an anxious, driven 22

January 5, 2024

I’m upset until you’re not 22

January 5, 2024

compliance and passive resistance 22

January 5, 2024

letting the bad thing happen 23

January 5, 2024

Belinda Berman 23

January 9, 2024

Belinda Berman 23
January 9, 2024

Belinda Berman 23

January 9, 2024

Belinda Berman 23

January 9, 2024

relational heroism 23

January 9, 2024

every muscle and nerve in your body is screaming to do the 23

same old

January 9, 2024

through raised consciousness, insight, discipline, and grace 23

January 9, 2024

deliberately place yourself on another track 23

January 9, 2024

our relationship to relationships tends to be passive 24

January 9, 2024

get more of what we want 24

January 9, 2024

complaining 24

January 9, 2024

This reactive approach 24

January 9, 2024

inherently individualistic 24

January 9, 2024

Without that connection, you lose a pause between what you 24

feel and what you do.
January 9, 2024

in our reactions, we are not simple passenger 24

January 9, 2024

His negative expectation 24

January 9, 2024

was contradicted 24

January 9, 2024

memory reconsolidation 24

January 9, 2024

corrective emotional experience 24

January 9, 2024

healing 24

January 9, 2024
we can heal by coming to terms with ignored parts of 25
ourselves

January 9, 2024

corrective emotional experiences 25

January 9, 2024

how to tend to our own immature parts 25

January 9, 2024

The real work of relationships 25

January 9, 2024

minute-to-minute 25

January 9, 2024

In this triggered moment right now, which path am I going 25

to take?
January 9, 2024

Embarking on this path requires that we give up many 25

cherished concepts of the world and of ourselves

January 9, 2024

individuals 25

January 9, 2024

what we think of as ourselves derives 26

January 9, 2024

collage 26

January 9, 2024

sensations and images 26

January 9, 2024

our self-perceptions are filtered through acquired knowledge 27

January 9, 2024

how we see ourselves and the world may change quickly, 27

dramatically, and with support, permanently

January 9, 2024

neuroplasticity changed all that 27

January 9, 2024

demeaner 27

January 9, 2024

healthy guilt 28

January 9, 2024

remorse 28

January 9, 2024

I know I’m about to do harm. But right now, being like you is 28
more important to me than my wife is.’ Say that, and then go
ahead and rage if you have to.”

January 9, 2024

recoil, a sense of discrepancy 29

January 9, 2024

Our human brains—in fact, most mammals’ brains—are built 29

for co-regulation

January 9, 2024

Interpersonal neurobiology 29

January 9, 2024

Secure relationships lead to increased immunity and less 30

disease

January 9, 2024

A toddler falls off his bike and looks to the expression on his 30
caretaker’s face to see how bad the scrape is

January 9, 2024
didn’t, as children, receive help modulating their emotions. 30

January 9, 2024

they’re cut off from their emotions 30

January 9, 2024

find emotions, theirs and often yours, overwhelming. 30

January 9, 2024

passive abuse, emotional neglect 32

January 9, 2024

things that should be there aren’t: guidance, comfort, sharing 32

January 9, 2024

neural synchronicity 33

January 9, 2024
The closer the relationship, the stronger the mimicry. Could 34
this be mouse empathy? Mouse love?

January 9, 2024

Dan Siegel 34

January 9, 2024

René Spitz 34

January 9, 2024

Failure to thrive syndrome 34

January 9, 2024

babies died from loneliness 34

January 9, 2024

close proximity to social resources is the baseline assumption 36

of the human brain

January 9, 2024
The emotional load sharing 37

January 9, 2024

group mind 37

January 9, 2024

the more intimate the bond, the greater the relaxation. 38

January 9, 2024

social connection gives connected individuals less stress to 38

need managing

January 9, 2024

it will bring up to the surface every unhealed wound and 39

fissure that has lodged inside your body

January 9, 2024

There is no place for objective reality in personal 44

relationships

January 9, 2024
instrumental 44

January 9, 2024

His focus was on the task at hand, not on the subjective 44

feelings of his partner

January 9, 2024

would you rather make the case that you’re right, or would 45
you rather make peace with your wife and help her feel
better

January 9, 2024

Honey,” I say gently, “I’m sorry you felt bad. I didn’t mean to 45
make you feel that way. Is there anything I can say or do
right now that would help you feel better

January 9, 2024

What is the thing I’m about to say going to feel like to the 48
person I’m speaking to?’

January 9, 2024
biosphere, It’s the environment we live in and depend upon 49

January 9, 2024

The Adaptive Child is not some toxic force 51

January 10, 2024

It is a young part of you that learned to cope the best way she 51
could at the time

January 10, 2024

to move beyond some part of you, you must first get to know 51
it and ultimately befriend it.

January 12, 2024

first encounter someone’s Adaptive Child 51

January 12, 2024

offending from the victim position 52

January 12, 2024

You hurt me, so I get to hurt you back twice as much. And I 52
have no shame or compunction about what I’m dishing out
because you victimized me

January 18, 2024

kids are like gas; they will go to the perimeter of whatever 53

contains them

January 18, 2024

falsely empowering psychological neglect. 53

January 18, 2024

That’s a pretty hefty wall you got there 54

January 18, 2024

So how does it end? When does the wall come down 54

January 18, 2024

often he gets aggressive because she’s already pulled away 54

January 18, 2024

on the other side of Linda’s wall, there’s a little boy inside 55

you, and he feels quite alone and abandoned and
overwhelmed

January 18, 2024

Like there’s no one to tell, like no one cares about my story 55

January 18, 2024

His aunt abused him once; his parents abandoned him 365 55
days a year. This is relational trauma

January 18, 2024

Adults don’t get abandoned,” I tell Joey. “Adults get left, or 56

even, if you want, rejected. But they survive. Abandoned
means, ‘If you leave me, I die.’ Children get abandoned. When
you feel that petrified, desperate feeling, you are no longer in
your adult self. You are in a child ego state

January 18, 2024

relational trauma that’s repeated or ongoing may be as 58

damaging as circumscribed catastrophic trauma. It’s like
water on a rock. Two, passive trauma can do at least as
much damage as intrusive violation

January 18, 2024

elevate your child into a state of superiority 59

January 18, 2024

falsely empowering 59

January 18, 2024

disempowering actions 59

January 18, 2024

shame 59

January 18, 2024

false empowerment 59

January 18, 2024

grandiosity 59
January 18, 2024

family hero, the star performer, or confide to her your 59

complaints about your spouse.

January 18, 2024

Honey, you understand me more than your father does 59

January 18, 2024

energy goes from the child into the parent 59

January 18, 2024

The child becomes the parent’s caretaker 59

January 18, 2024

If you want to do exactly what you want to do, be alone. The 60

minute you let somebody into your world, you have to at
least pay some

January 18, 2024

attention to what they want to do 60

January 18, 2024

false empowerment (You’re the only good thing in my life!) 60

January 18, 2024

Intrusive and disempowering 61

January 18, 2024

Intrusive and falsely empowering, e.g., incest, emotional 61

caretaking (regulating a parent

January 18, 2024

Whenever a young person encounters trauma, they react to it 63

and they also repeat it

January 18, 2024

Modeling 63

January 18, 2024

elements 63

January 18, 2024

identifying with the aggressor 63

January 18, 2024

Do you tend to ride in the one-up, grandiose, superior 64

position or the one-down, shame-filled, inferior position? Is
your Adaptive Child more of a pursuer or more avoidant?
Can you articulate your go-to dysfunctional stance and your
partner’s?

January 18, 2024

Two kinds of people hold a strong belief that loving the hurt 64
child underneath will cure a

January 22, 2024

person’s grandiosity: they are codependent women and 64

psychotherapists.

January 22, 2024

about half of all people classed as narcissistic are driven by 65
inward shame. The other half simply think that they are
better than everyone else

January 22, 2024

escape from feelings of inadequacy 65

January 22, 2024

legacy of false empowerment. 65

January 22, 2024

false empowerment 65

January 22, 2024

Confiding in your child about your disappointing marriage 65

January 22, 2024

making 66

January 22, 2024

child 66

January 22, 2024

family hero 66

January 22, 2024

light all others depend upon 66

January 22, 2024

Think of yourself or your partner as the child they once were 66

January 22, 2024

neurotic symptoms 66

January 24, 2024

compromises between the expression and repression of illicit 66

impulses

January 24, 2024

Adaptive Children 66

January 24, 2024

compromises 66

January 24, 2024

between internalizing the family system 66

January 24, 2024

modeling 66

January 24, 2024

resisting 66

January 24, 2024

reacting 66

January 24, 2024

Were you emotionally neglected because you were so heroic 66
and wonderful that you didn’t need help

January 24, 2024

only the Wise Adult part of us wants to be intimate 68

January 25, 2024

Our Adaptive Children choose self-protection over the 68

vulnerability of connection every time

January 25, 2024

whenever 68

January 25, 2024

inner children kicks up 68

January 25, 2024

put 68

January 25, 2024

child on their lap, put their arms around them, listen 68
compassionately

January 25, 2024

take their sticky hands off the steering wheel. 68

January 25, 2024

In case you find the language and imaginative work 68

January 25, 2024

treacly 68

January 25, 2024

imagined 68

January 25, 2024

personified 68

January 25, 2024

inner child is nothing more than the traumatized, reactive 68
ego state

January 25, 2024

about the age you were when the injury occurred 68

January 25, 2024

hard to maintain skilled relationality in a pugnaciously 70

individualistic, unskilled, antirelational world.

January 25, 2024

rugged 73

January 25, 2024

Enlightenment era 73

January 25, 2024

Aristocracy links everybody, from peasant to king, in one 74

long chain. Democracy breaks the chain and frees each link

January 25, 2024

Weimar Classicists 74

January 25, 2024

Goethe 74

January 25, 2024

new kind of individualism that was emotional rather than 74

rational

January 25, 2024

artistic 74

January 25, 2024

Rugged individualists 75

January 25, 2024

believe in the code of individualism, the assertion of one’s 75

unalienable rights

January 25, 2024

Romantic individualists 75

January 25, 2024

are moved not by individualism but by the unique expression 75

of individuality, finding and manifesting one’s singular
individual “genius.”

January 25, 2024

I don’t relate to babies 75

January 25, 2024

When Jim refused to help his beleaguered partner 75

January 25, 2024

standing up for his rights as an individual 75

January 25, 2024

pushing back at what he experienced as an encroachment on 75

his freedom to be left undisturbed
January 25, 2024

meeting the needs of his family was an imposition 75

January 25, 2024

third losing strategy: unbridled self-expression. “You did this 76

today. A week ago, you did the same damn thing. Last year
you did a really bad one. I’m hurt. I’m devastated. You
always. You never…”

January 25, 2024

offending from the victim position 77

January 25, 2024

Grandiose women 77

January 25, 2024

angry victim 77

January 25, 2024

You’re a verbal abuser 77

January 25, 2024

Yelling, screaming, shaming someone. Those are all forms of 77

verbal abuse. What’s it like to hear that

January 25, 2024

prove their usefulness by taking on her partner 77

January 25, 2024

I can teach you how to disarm her and be the compassionate, 79

kind guy I know you are all at the same time. Sound
interesting

January 25, 2024

Try keeping it positive. Not what he’s done wrong, but what 81
right might look like

EDe trimis Andreei +Alex

January 25, 2024

For rugged individualists 81

January 25, 2024

great fear 81

January 25, 2024

constraint of their personal freedom. But 81

January 25, 2024

they feel entitled to share themselves 81

January 25, 2024

notion of individuality—one’s genius, one’s unique stamp, 81

spirit, personality

January 25, 2024

rugged individualist’s nightmare 81

January 25, 2024

being dominated 81
January 25, 2024

Romantic individualist’s great fear 81

January 25, 2024

enforced conformity 81

January 25, 2024

being shut down and stifled, of losing their voice 81

January 25, 2024

Both individuals stand up virtuously for their rights, neither 81

thinking much of the whole

February 4, 2024

privileged obliviousness 82

January 31, 2024

expressive Romantic individual 83

January 31, 2024

political left 83

January 31, 2024

shared disdain for conformity and their joy in rebellion 83

January 31, 2024

Enlightenment political individualism became 84

January 31, 2024

modern right 84

January 31, 2024

Romantic expressive individualism 84

January 31, 2024

therapeutic 84
January 31, 2024

Robert Bellah 85

February 4, 2024

In the absence of any objective criteria of right and wrong, 85

good or evil, the self and its feelings become our moral
guide…The right act is simply the one that yields the agent
the most exciting challenge or the most good feeling about
himself…. Utility replaces duty; self-expression unseats
authority. “Being good” becomes “feeling good.”

February 4, 2024

Thomas Paine put it, “public good is not a term opposed to 85

the good of individuals. On the contrary, it is the good of
every individual collected. It is the good of all.”

February 4, 2024

men like Jim 85

January 31, 2024

who cleave both to the overt love 85

January 31, 2024

liberty 85

January 31, 2024

covert privileges of his caste 85

January 31, 2024

preservation of individualism 86

January 31, 2024

has historically required the suppression of less privileged 86

voices

January 31, 2024

The unacknowledged social underpinning 86

January 31, 2024

caste, privilege, and exclusivity 86

January 31, 2024

interdependence 87

February 4, 2024

the legacy of individualism is loneliness. 88

February 4, 2024

In the linear, individualistic model 92

February 4, 2024

our relationship to relationships tends to be passive. You get 92

what you get, and then you react to it

February 4, 2024

we have something to say about what we get 92

February 4, 2024

Angry complaint is not seductive 93

February 4, 2024
his wife’s long-suffering victim, a common male stance 93

February 4, 2024

two statements: “I won’t live without sex for the rest of my 93

life!” And: “We both deserve a good sex life. I miss you. What
do we need to do as a team to set this to rights?”

February 4, 2024

How different are the assertions “I need more sex” and “We 93
need a healthy sex life.

February 4, 2024

All this time you’ve been trying to change Joanna,” I go on. 94

“What if I gave you some new moves on your end that might
get you more of what you want?”

February 4, 2024

What she wants, what turns her on, what it would look like to 94
warm her up

February 4, 2024
Start there. If those hands could speak, what would they be 95
saying

February 4, 2024

you may be able to influence your interaction with your 96

partner by changing your own behavior

February 4, 2024

when we stay wise 96

February 12, 2024

subjective sense of safety or its lack 96

February 12, 2024

Relationships are to some degree dangerous. Otherwise, 96

there would be no place for vulnerability. Where’s the
courage in jumping if you already know you’ll be caught?

February 12, 2024

core-negative-image-triggered 99
February 12, 2024

We almost universally react to the exaggeration. Hurt or 99

indignant that our partner would even think such a thing of
us, we ignore the grain of truth inside

February 12, 2024

Yes,” I could have said, “I was late.” Period. End of story. 100
“And yes, it was irresponsible of me, as I can tend to be

February 12, 2024

your partner’s core negative image of you: the more you 100
refute it, the more you’ll reinforce it. But the more you admit
to the kernel of truth within your partner’s exaggeration, the
greater the odds that the exaggeration will relax

February 12, 2024

Yielding can work as a core negative image buster 100

February 12, 2024

Every jump from the particular to the general leaves me 102

feeling increasingly helpless. And that makes me angry,
which leads to more escalation.
February 12, 2024

I’ve never met a passive-aggressive person who didn’t grow 106

up in an environment in which being openly aggressive
would have gotten the snot kicked out of him, if not
physically then psychologically

February 12, 2024

You’ve got to stand up to her,” I tell him. “You’ve got to be 106

direct. I’ll help you if you want. I’ll walk you through every
step. You didn’t see this growing up, standing up for yourself
respectfully

February 12, 2024

what you might do differently to evoke a different response 110

from them

February 13, 2024

grandiosity and shame. First of all, they are both lies; they 117
are purely delusional

February 15, 2024

One human being simply cannot be fundamentally superior 117

or inferior to another
February 15, 2024

Our culture rewards Adaptive Children because the values 118

and mores of that less mature, individualistic, nonrelational
part of ourselves mirrors the values and mores of our
culture’s individualism. We live in an antirelational,
narcissistic society whose essence for centuries has been the
one-up, one-down world of capitalist competition.

February 16, 2024

How old were you,” I hazard a guess, “when you started 120
taking care of him emotionally?”

February 16, 2024

That little boy helplessly trying to drag his inert father off the 121
floor is an archetype of disempowerment

February 17, 2024

You have to decide who you belong to—your wild 123

March 29, 2024

grandiose father or your wife and kids. What kind of man do 123
you want to be—an indulger, like your dad, or a real family
man

March 29, 2024

“Which family? The one you grew up with or the one you’ll 123
grow old with?”

March 29, 2024

The dysfunctional stance that we repeat endlessly in our 123

relationships is driven by our Adaptive Child, which adapted
to—with a mix of resistance and modeling—the treatment we
received as kids.

April 1, 2024

painfully aware of the disempowering aspects of our 123

childhoods, but we’re fairly blind to false empowerment—our
grandiosity—either directly, through a parent’s pumping us
up, or indirectly, through their modeling grandiose thinking
and behaviors.

April 1, 2024

I tell grandiose men like Bruce that entitled privilege is like a 124
knife that’s all blade—it cuts the hand that wields it

April 1, 2024
The emotion driving both shame and grandiosity is contempt 125

April 1, 2024

contempt is emotional violence 125

April 1, 2024

You may not be able to control them, but, whenever you 126
judge it to be in your best interest, you can in most instances
either speak up or, if need be, leave

April 2, 2024

That son of a gun who just cut you off on the highway may 126
deserve your rage, but you deserve to live a rage-free life

April 2, 2024

Our Relationship to Ourselves We tend to hold ourselves the 127

way we were held

April 2, 2024

When a client shifts from shamelessness to toxic shame, they 128

move from one form of self-preoccupation to another. You’re
still preoccupied with yourself
April 3, 2024

To repair a relationship, it doesn’t help to keep berating 128

yourself. You need to shift your attention to the person you
hurt. It’s not about you one way or another. Accountability to
the person you hurt sounds like I’m sorry I hurt you. What
can I do to help you feel better?

April 3, 2024

Coming out of trauma means moving into the now, into 130
connection with whatever is happening—in you or between
you and others—without feeling the need to control or shape
it.

Comung out of trauma looks like

April 3, 2024

the simple trust that things will work out on their own 131
without the stamp of your will.

April 3, 2024

in crisis lies opportunity 135

April 4, 2024
 Both transformation and dissolution begin with crisis, with 135
disequilibrium. Enough disequilibrium spells death to the
system as it is. But even that might not be the end of the story

April 4, 2024

dopamine, the reward chemical and the same chemical 137

cocaine releases to cause addiction. Another is norephedrine,
an arousing chemical central to fight-or-flight vigilance,
leading to an enlivening feeling akin to a runner’s high.
Levels of testosterone and estrogen also increase, two
hormones that create the quickened pulse of lust. What goes
on in the brains of young lovers is so like an addictive
process—even including physiological signs of withdrawal
when the love object is absent—that psychologists have long
noted the phenomenon of romance or love addiction

Cocktail honeymooon phase

April 4, 2024

Green

our parents and their efforts is by carrying on their blessings 10

and doing our best to not pass forward their troubles, their
faults, to our own children. Our children’s sins should be their
own. It’s only through the hard work of transformation do
those of ours who have come before cease to be the ghosts
that haunt us and transform into the ancestors we need and
love to walk beside us

December 30, 2023

If you find yourself frequently fighting with your partner, if 13
you feel unheard or frustrated, if you often feel
underappreciated or overly controlled, distanced from,
walled off and lonely, or just poorly treated, this book offers
you a completely new way to relate

January 5, 2024

how to move past those shadowed trees to the sustaining 13

river of life.

January 5, 2024

Pia Mellody 17

January 5, 2024

kid in grown-up’s clothing.” 17

January 5, 2024

Adaptive Child is a child’s version of an adult, the you that 17

you cobbled together in the absence of healthy parenting

January 5, 2024
Jiddu Krishnamurti 23

January 9, 2024

true liberation is freedom from our own automatic responses 23

January 9, 2024

Gregory Bateson 26

January 9, 2024

blind man 26

January 9, 2024

the stick and the information it yielded 26

January 9, 2024

were a part of his mind. 26

January 9, 2024
Thomas Metzinger 26

January 9, 2024

fake hand 26

January 9, 2024

pioneer infant observational researcher 30

January 9, 2024

Ed Tronick 30

January 9, 2024

neuroarchitects 30

January 9, 2024

A baby’s earliest relationships determine the nature of the 30

wiring—they literally build the brain

January 9, 2024
Dr 33

January 9, 2024

Tronick 33

January 9, 2024

Between caregiver and child courses an endless repetition of 33

harmony, disharmony, and repair.

January 9, 2024

Social Baseline Theory of Lane Beckes and James A. Coan 35

January 9, 2024

Conservation of energy 36

January 9, 2024

economy of action 36

January 9, 2024
Social proximity can offset much of the costs associated with 38
the [prefrontal cortex]. For example, individuals who have
recently entered a romantic relationship may come to rely
less on their own personal activity to regulate their behavior,
because they will begin to perceive the environment as less
threatening, dangerous, and difficult to cope with and
because their partner will engage in behavior (e.g.,
supportive hand holding) that will help achieve regulatory
effects

January 9, 2024

without having to regulate themselves. 38

January 9, 2024

Deborah Tannen 44

January 9, 2024

You Just Don’t Understand, 44

January 9, 2024

help people rise above their feelings of inferiority and shame 64

January 22, 2024

above their feelings of inferiority and shame. But what about 64
the other self-esteem disorder

January 22, 2024

grandiosity as a defense against shame 64

January 22, 2024

abandoned and falsely empowered 67

January 24, 2024

intrusive and falsely empowering 67

January 24, 2024

intrusive and disempowering 67

January 24, 2024

Robert Sapolsky 83

January 31, 2024

the response of empathy and the response of action are two 83
very different and distinct physiological circuits

January 31, 2024

Between the ideal and the reality,” wrote T. S. Eliot in The 97

Hollow Men, “…Falls the Shadow.

February 12, 2024

Seeing each other as separate individuals, rather than as 97

parts of a whole, an organism, sets you up to blame each
other and give your power away

February 12, 2024

Instead of endlessly trying to get your partner to be different, 97

you can try to change things by experimenting with new
moves on your end of the interaction

February 12, 2024

Your partner’s core negative image of you is a cartoon 98

version of you at your worst

February 12, 2024

Here’s something to remember: Functional actions in a 102
relationship are moves that empower your partner to come
through for you. Dysfunctional actions are those that render
your partner paralyzed

February 12, 2024

In a conflict, the farther your accusations stray from the 102

particular, the more impotent your partner will feel, and the
dirtier the move

February 12, 2024

Don’t jump from a microlevel upset to a macrolevel analysis 102

when you’re triggered

February 12, 2024

Children have no boundaries,” I tell Darlene. “They’re 107

wide-open systems. When she hears you scream at William,
it goes into her as if you were screaming at her. I’d do the
same trauma work with her as with a kid who’d been sworn
at

February 12, 2024

Does what I’m about to say fall below the level of basic 126
respect?

April 1, 2024
 healthy self-esteem means exactly what it says: it is our 127
capacity to esteem ourselves—to hold ourselves warmly,
tenderly—in the face of our screw-ups and imperfections.

April 3, 2024

Shattered Assumptions 134

Book on trauma

April 3, 2024

Blue

Should I be a hammer like Dad or a long-suffering anvil like 67

Mom

January 24, 2024

Ian Kerner’s 2009 classic She Comes First. 97

February 12, 2024

 tongue is mightier than the sword 97

February 12, 2024

Red

reconnect 13

January 5, 2024

to yourself—your feelings, needs, and desires 13

January 5, 2024

We are not neutral 14

January 5, 2024

When it comes to responsibility, not all problems are an even 14

fifty-fifty split

January 5, 2024

We take sides 14
January 5, 2024

don’t 14

January 5, 2024

hide behind a mask 14

January 5, 2024

professionalism 14

January 5, 2024

being real people 14

January 5, 2024

sharing when appropriate from our own journey toward 14

wholeness and intimacy.

January 5, 2024

is: There is no redeeming value whatsoever in harshness 18

January 5, 2024

Harshness does nothing that loving firmness doesn’t do 18

better.

January 5, 2024

close relationships 24

January 9, 2024

urgency 24

January 9, 2024

enemy 24

January 9, 2024

breath 24

January 9, 2024

friend 24
January 9, 2024

Who taught you how to be nasty and mean 28

January 9, 2024

What was she like 28

January 9, 2024

She taught you how to be this nasty 28

January 9, 2024

And what’s it like to see that 28

January 9, 2024

two things 29

January 9, 2024

unlock 29

January 9, 2024
open up a neural pathway 29

January 9, 2024

that the implicit must be made explicit 29

January 9, 2024

help seeing what you don’t see 29

January 9, 2024

So who did you turn to for comfort or reassurance when you 31

were hurt or scared

January 9, 2024

How young were you when you first learned to take care of it 31
yourself

January 9, 2024

Further back than your memory stretches, you did reach out 31
to your parents once or twice for solace, and their response
led you to conclude that depending on them, emotionally,
was a bad idea

January 9, 2024

You left your feeling 31

January 9, 2024

They never left you. They’ve been percolating the whole time. 31
You just need help connecting to them again and naming
them

January 9, 2024

Your dysfunctional relational stance is what your Adaptive 52

Child keeps repeating, unconstructively, in
relationships—pursuing, withdrawing, pleasing,
complaining, controlling.

January 18, 2024

Martyr is one, tyrant another, victim 52

January 18, 2024

Where did it come from 53

January 18, 2024

enmeshment 59

January 18, 2024

The five strategies are: 64

January 22, 2024

Multigenerational legacies get passed down from one 66

generation to the next through trauma

January 24, 2024

Romantic individualists 81

January 25, 2024

d stultification 84

January 31, 2024

put their core negative images of each other on the table 100
February 12, 2024

Be clear 100

February 12, 2024

how you see the person when you portray them as 100
impossible, their all-time worst

February 12, 2024

Finally, if you want to break up your pattern and get more of 109
something in your relationship, try giving it. Instead of
complaining that you no longer have fun, arrange a night
out. Don’t whine about your pathetic sex life—find out what
turns your partner on, and try giving it to them

February 12, 2024

Here’s an exercise I’d like you to try. For about ten days to 126
two weeks, keep a self-esteem journal.

Self esteem journal

April 3, 2024

Bruce needed to feel the discrepancy between how he was 128

living compared to how he wanted to live.
How you live vs how you want

April 3, 2024

tell Bruce toward the end of our work together, “A boy’s 129
question to the world is: ‘What do you have for me?’ A man’s
question is: ‘What does this moment demand of me? What do
I need to give?’

A boys question vs a mens question

April 3, 2024

Research shows us that giving brings much longer-lasting 130

happiness than receiving does

Giving bring more joy

April 3, 2024

start of one of Dr. Ed Tronick’s famous film clips, a baby is 136

molded into her

April 4, 2024

All your annotations

404 notes/highlights • 2 bookmarks
Foreword by Bruce Springsteen

Family pathology is like a fire in the woods taking down all 9

in front of it until someone turns to face the flames.” Slowly I
began to face those flames, mainly because I couldn’t stand
the idea of failing my own children, my family, in the manner
that I felt I’d been failed.

December 30, 2023

our parents and their efforts is by carrying on their blessings 10

and doing our best to not pass forward their troubles, their
faults, to our own children. Our children’s sins should be their
own. It’s only through the hard work of transformation do
those of ours who have come before cease to be the ghosts
that haunt us and transform into the ancestors we need and
love to walk beside us

December 30, 2023

1: Which Version of You Shows Up to Your Relationship?

Maybe you’re not the explosive type. Instead of lashing out, 12

you shut down because you’re either disgusted (I don’t need
this!) or overwhelmed (I can’t handle this!) or both at the
same time.

December 30, 2023

Your desire is to finally get through to them, or to finally be 12
left the hell alone

January 5, 2024

Or you just want to be left unperturbed. Why can’t she just 12

accept you as you are? You signed up for marriage, not a
lifelong self-improvement course!

January 5, 2024

two types of couples 13

January 5, 2024

those who fight and those who distance 13

January 5, 2024

do both 13

January 5, 2024

Hailstorm and tortoise 13

January 5, 2024
If you find yourself frequently fighting with your partner, if 13
you feel unheard or frustrated, if you often feel
underappreciated or overly controlled, distanced from,
walled off and lonely, or just poorly treated, this book offers
you a completely new way to relate

January 5, 2024

alone together 13

January 5, 2024

reconnect 13

January 5, 2024

to yourself—your feelings, needs, and desires 13

January 5, 2024

how to move past those shadowed trees to the sustaining 13

river of life.

January 5, 2024
again. We forget that the person we’re excoriating or 14
stonewalling is the one we care about most in our lives

January 5, 2024

We look at our partner through the wrong end of a telescope, 14

and they seem pitiful or overwhelming or both

January 5, 2024

career. I’m a turnaround guy 14

January 5, 2024

We are not neutral 14

January 5, 2024

When it comes to responsibility, not all problems are an even 14

fifty-fifty split

January 5, 2024

We take sides 14

January 5, 2024
don’t 14

January 5, 2024

hide behind a mask 14

January 5, 2024

professionalism 14

January 5, 2024

being real people 14

January 5, 2024

sharing when appropriate from our own journey toward 14

wholeness and intimacy.

January 5, 2024

Would you like to feel heard 14

January 5, 2024
can you satisfy your partner’s need to feel listened to as well? 14

January 5, 2024

moments, that you and your partner stand on the same side? 15

January 5, 2024

that you love this person 15

January 5, 2024

Do you remember 15

January 5, 2024

that heated moment when fear or righteous anger courses 15

through your veins, that you love this person?

January 5, 2024

when your body shuts dow 15

January 5, 2024
for the life of you, you can barely squeak out a word or two 15

January 5, 2024

the sweetness between you, the sense of the two of you as a 15

team facing the world together, the sense of us, is nearly
impossible to locate.

January 5, 2024

The good news 15

January 5, 2024

love is still there 15

January 5, 2024

The bad news 15

January 5, 2024

stored 15

January 5, 2024
parts 15

January 5, 2024

you no longer inhabit 15

January 5, 2024

Us evaporates and becomes you and me 15

January 5, 2024

adversaries 15

January 5, 2024

of I win, you lose 15

January 5, 2024

variables, it may take only a slight tap on the egg to produce 16

fissures that can last a lifetime.

January 5, 2024
What are the stressors? 16

January 5, 2024

What is the dynamic, the choreography, between you? 16

January 5, 2024

The central question 16

January 5, 2024

Which part of you am I talking to? 16

January 5, 2024

mature part of you 16

January 5, 2024

present in the here and now 16

January 5, 2024
Wise Adult 16

January 5, 2024

cares about us. 16

January 5, 2024

triggered part of you 16

January 5, 2024

adversarial you and me consciousness 16

January 5, 2024

prism of the past 16

January 5, 2024

overreacting 16

January 5, 2024
someone is reacting to may no longer be what’s in front of 16
them

January 5, 2024

and healing gift of their presence 17

January 5, 2024

present, not saturated by your past 17

January 5, 2024

misnomer. You don’t remember trauma; you relive it. 17

January 5, 2024

most of us do not reenact the experience of the trauma itself. 17

January 5, 2024

coping strategy 17

January 5, 2024
evolved to deal with 17

January 5, 2024

Pia Mellody 17

January 5, 2024

kid in grown-up’s clothing.” 17

January 5, 2024

Adaptive Child is a child’s version of an adult, the you that 17

you cobbled together in the absence of healthy parenting

January 5, 2024

is: There is no redeeming value whatsoever in harshness 18

January 5, 2024

Harshness does nothing that loving firmness doesn’t do 18

better.

January 5, 2024
the Adaptive Child part of you is rigid 18

January 5, 2024

culture at large feeds off of Adaptive Children 19

January 5, 2024

threatened by mature adults 19

January 5, 2024

rounds, I begin to feel as though I could say the sky is blue, 20

and Dan will tell me it’s aquamarine. He’s

January 5, 2024

how I feel witnessing their behavior. 20

January 5, 2024

What has Dan’s Adaptive Child adapted to? How did Dan get 20
bent into his current relational stance of evasion?

January 5, 2024
who tried to control you while you were growing up?” 21

January 5, 2024

always be respectful of the exquisite intelligence of the 21

Adaptive Child

January 5, 2024

Adaptive then, maladaptive now 22

January 5, 2024

you and me Adaptive Child 22

January 5, 2024

automatic, a knee-jerk response 22

January 5, 2024

Adaptive Child fixers are fueled by an anxious, driven 22

January 5, 2024
I’m upset until you’re not 22

January 5, 2024

compliance and passive resistance 22

January 5, 2024

letting the bad thing happen 23

January 5, 2024

Belinda Berman 23

January 9, 2024

Belinda Berman 23

January 9, 2024

Belinda Berman 23

January 9, 2024
Belinda Berman 23

January 9, 2024

relational heroism 23

January 9, 2024

every muscle and nerve in your body is screaming to do the 23

same old

January 9, 2024

through raised consciousness, insight, discipline, and grace 23

January 9, 2024

deliberately place yourself on another track 23

January 9, 2024

Jiddu Krishnamurti 23

January 9, 2024
true liberation is freedom from our own automatic responses 23

January 9, 2024

our relationship to relationships tends to be passive 24

January 9, 2024

get more of what we want 24

January 9, 2024

complaining 24

January 9, 2024

This reactive approach 24

January 9, 2024

inherently individualistic 24

January 9, 2024
Without that connection, you lose a pause between what you 24
feel and what you do.

January 9, 2024

in our reactions, we are not simple passenger 24

January 9, 2024

close relationships 24

January 9, 2024

urgency 24

January 9, 2024

enemy 24

January 9, 2024

breath 24

January 9, 2024
friend 24

January 9, 2024

His negative expectation 24

January 9, 2024

was contradicted 24

January 9, 2024

memory reconsolidation 24

January 9, 2024

corrective emotional experience 24

January 9, 2024

healing 24

January 9, 2024

we can heal by coming to terms with ignored parts of 25

ourselves

January 9, 2024

corrective emotional experiences 25

January 9, 2024

how to tend to our own immature parts 25

January 9, 2024

The real work of relationships 25

January 9, 2024

minute-to-minute 25

January 9, 2024

In this triggered moment right now, which path am I going 25

to take?

January 9, 2024
 Embarking on this path requires that we give up many 25
cherished concepts of the world and of ourselves

January 9, 2024

individuals 25

January 9, 2024

2: The Myth of the Individual

Gregory Bateson 26

January 9, 2024

blind man 26

January 9, 2024

the stick and the information it yielded 26

January 9, 2024

were a part of his mind. 26

January 9, 2024

Thomas Metzinger 26

January 9, 2024

fake hand 26

January 9, 2024

what we think of as ourselves derives 26

January 9, 2024

collage 26

January 9, 2024

sensations and images 26

January 9, 2024

our self-perceptions are filtered through acquired knowledge 27

January 9, 2024
how we see ourselves and the world may change quickly, 27
dramatically, and with support, permanently

January 9, 2024

neuroplasticity changed all that 27

January 9, 2024

demeaner 27

January 9, 2024

Who taught you how to be nasty and mean 28

January 9, 2024

What was she like 28

January 9, 2024

She taught you how to be this nasty 28

January 9, 2024
And what’s it like to see that 28

January 9, 2024

healthy guilt 28

January 9, 2024

remorse 28

January 9, 2024

I know I’m about to do harm. But right now, being like you is 28
more important to me than my wife is.’ Say that, and then go
ahead and rage if you have to.”

January 9, 2024

two things 29

January 9, 2024

unlock 29
January 9, 2024

open up a neural pathway 29

January 9, 2024

that the implicit must be made explicit 29

January 9, 2024

help seeing what you don’t see 29

January 9, 2024

recoil, a sense of discrepancy 29

January 9, 2024

Our human brains—in fact, most mammals’ brains—are built 29

for co-regulation

January 9, 2024

Interpersonal neurobiology 29
January 9, 2024

Secure relationships lead to increased immunity and less 30

disease

January 9, 2024

A toddler falls off his bike and looks to the expression on his 30
caretaker’s face to see how bad the scrape is

January 9, 2024

pioneer infant observational researcher 30

January 9, 2024

Ed Tronick 30

January 9, 2024

neuroarchitects 30

January 9, 2024

A baby’s earliest relationships determine the nature of the 30

wiring—they literally build the brain

January 9, 2024

didn’t, as children, receive help modulating their emotions. 30

January 9, 2024

they’re cut off from their emotions 30

January 9, 2024

find emotions, theirs and often yours, overwhelming. 30

January 9, 2024

So who did you turn to for comfort or reassurance when you 31

were hurt or scared

January 9, 2024

How young were you when you first learned to take care of it 31
yourself

January 9, 2024
Further back than your memory stretches, you did reach out 31
to your parents once or twice for solace, and their response
led you to conclude that depending on them, emotionally,
was a bad idea

January 9, 2024

You left your feeling 31

January 9, 2024

They never left you. They’ve been percolating the whole time. 31
You just need help connecting to them again and naming
them

January 9, 2024

passive abuse, emotional neglect 32

January 9, 2024

things that should be there aren’t: guidance, comfort, sharing 32

January 9, 2024

Dr 33
January 9, 2024

Tronick 33

January 9, 2024

Between caregiver and child courses an endless repetition of 33

harmony, disharmony, and repair.

January 9, 2024

neural synchronicity 33

January 9, 2024

The closer the relationship, the stronger the mimicry. Could 34

this be mouse empathy? Mouse love?

January 9, 2024

Dan Siegel 34

January 9, 2024

René Spitz 34
January 9, 2024

Failure to thrive syndrome 34

January 9, 2024

babies died from loneliness 34

January 9, 2024

Social Baseline Theory of Lane Beckes and James A. Coan 35

January 9, 2024

Conservation of energy 36

January 9, 2024

economy of action 36

January 9, 2024

close proximity to social resources is the baseline assumption 36

of the human brain
January 9, 2024

The emotional load sharing 37

January 9, 2024

group mind 37

January 9, 2024

Social proximity can offset much of the costs associated with 38

the [prefrontal cortex]. For example, individuals who have
recently entered a romantic relationship may come to rely
less on their own personal activity to regulate their behavior,
because they will begin to perceive the environment as less
threatening, dangerous, and difficult to cope with and
because their partner will engage in behavior (e.g.,
supportive hand holding) that will help achieve regulatory
effects

January 9, 2024

without having to regulate themselves. 38

January 9, 2024
the more intimate the bond, the greater the relaxation. 38

January 9, 2024

social connection gives connected individuals less stress to 38

need managing

January 9, 2024

it will bring up to the surface every unhealed wound and 39

fissure that has lodged inside your body

January 9, 2024

There is no place for objective reality in personal 44

relationships

January 9, 2024

instrumental 44

January 9, 2024

His focus was on the task at hand, not on the subjective 44

feelings of his partner

January 9, 2024
Deborah Tannen 44

January 9, 2024

You Just Don’t Understand, 44

January 9, 2024

would you rather make the case that you’re right, or would 45
you rather make peace with your wife and help her feel
better

January 9, 2024

Honey,” I say gently, “I’m sorry you felt bad. I didn’t mean to 45
make you feel that way. Is there anything I can say or do
right now that would help you feel better

January 9, 2024

What is the thing I’m about to say going to feel like to the 48
person I’m speaking to?’

January 9, 2024
 biosphere, It’s the environment we live in and depend upon 49

January 9, 2024

3: How Us Gets Lost and You and Me Takes Over

The Adaptive Child is not some toxic force 51

January 10, 2024

It is a young part of you that learned to cope the best way she 51
could at the time

January 10, 2024

to move beyond some part of you, you must first get to know 51
it and ultimately befriend it.

January 12, 2024

first encounter someone’s Adaptive Child 51

January 12, 2024

offending from the victim position 52

January 12, 2024

You hurt me, so I get to hurt you back twice as much. And I 52
have no shame or compunction about what I’m dishing out
because you victimized me

January 18, 2024

Your dysfunctional relational stance is what your Adaptive 52

Child keeps repeating, unconstructively, in
relationships—pursuing, withdrawing, pleasing,
complaining, controlling.

January 18, 2024

Martyr is one, tyrant another, victim 52

January 18, 2024

Where did it come from 53

January 18, 2024

kids are like gas; they will go to the perimeter of whatever 53

contains them
January 18, 2024

falsely empowering psychological neglect. 53

January 18, 2024

That’s a pretty hefty wall you got there 54

January 18, 2024

So how does it end? When does the wall come down 54

January 18, 2024

often he gets aggressive because she’s already pulled away 54

January 18, 2024

on the other side of Linda’s wall, there’s a little boy inside 55

you, and he feels quite alone and abandoned and
overwhelmed

January 18, 2024

Like there’s no one to tell, like no one cares about my story 55

January 18, 2024

His aunt abused him once; his parents abandoned him 365 55
days a year. This is relational trauma

January 18, 2024

Adults don’t get abandoned,” I tell Joey. “Adults get left, or 56

even, if you want, rejected. But they survive. Abandoned
means, ‘If you leave me, I die.’ Children get abandoned. When
you feel that petrified, desperate feeling, you are no longer in
your adult self. You are in a child ego state

January 18, 2024

relational trauma that’s repeated or ongoing may be as 58

damaging as circumscribed catastrophic trauma. It’s like
water on a rock. Two, passive trauma can do at least as
much damage as intrusive violation

January 18, 2024

elevate your child into a state of superiority 59

January 18, 2024

falsely empowering 59

January 18, 2024

disempowering actions 59

January 18, 2024

shame 59

January 18, 2024

false empowerment 59

January 18, 2024

grandiosity 59

January 18, 2024

family hero, the star performer, or confide to her your 59

complaints about your spouse.

January 18, 2024

Honey, you understand me more than your father does 59

January 18, 2024

enmeshment 59

January 18, 2024

energy goes from the child into the parent 59

January 18, 2024

The child becomes the parent’s caretaker 59

January 18, 2024

If you want to do exactly what you want to do, be alone. The 60

minute you let somebody into your world, you have to at
least pay some

January 18, 2024

attention to what they want to do 60

January 18, 2024

false empowerment (You’re the only good thing in my life!) 60

January 18, 2024

Intrusive and disempowering 61

January 18, 2024

Intrusive and falsely empowering, e.g., incest, emotional 61

caretaking (regulating a parent

January 18, 2024

Whenever a young person encounters trauma, they react to it 63

and they also repeat it

January 18, 2024

Modeling 63

January 18, 2024

elements 63

January 18, 2024

identifying with the aggressor 63

January 18, 2024

Do you tend to ride in the one-up, grandiose, superior 64

position or the one-down, shame-filled, inferior position? Is
your Adaptive Child more of a pursuer or more avoidant?
Can you articulate your go-to dysfunctional stance and your
partner’s?

January 18, 2024

The five strategies are: 64

January 22, 2024

help people rise above their feelings of inferiority and shame 64

January 22, 2024

above their feelings of inferiority and shame. But what about 64

the other self-esteem disorder

January 22, 2024

grandiosity as a defense against shame 64

January 22, 2024

Two kinds of people hold a strong belief that loving the hurt 64
child underneath will cure a

January 22, 2024

person’s grandiosity: they are codependent women and 64

psychotherapists.

January 22, 2024

about half of all people classed as narcissistic are driven by 65

inward shame. The other half simply think that they are
better than everyone else

January 22, 2024

escape from feelings of inadequacy 65

January 22, 2024

legacy of false empowerment. 65

January 22, 2024

false empowerment 65

January 22, 2024

Confiding in your child about your disappointing marriage 65

January 22, 2024

making 66

January 22, 2024

child 66

January 22, 2024

family hero 66

January 22, 2024

light all others depend upon 66

January 22, 2024

Think of yourself or your partner as the child they once were 66

January 22, 2024

Multigenerational legacies get passed down from one 66

generation to the next through trauma

January 24, 2024

neurotic symptoms 66

January 24, 2024

compromises between the expression and repression of illicit 66

impulses

January 24, 2024

Adaptive Children 66

January 24, 2024

compromises 66

January 24, 2024

between internalizing the family system 66

January 24, 2024

modeling 66

January 24, 2024

resisting 66

January 24, 2024

reacting 66

January 24, 2024

Were you emotionally neglected because you were so heroic 66

and wonderful that you didn’t need help

January 24, 2024

abandoned and falsely empowered 67

January 24, 2024

intrusive and falsely empowering 67

January 24, 2024

intrusive and disempowering 67

January 24, 2024

Should I be a hammer like Dad or a long-suffering anvil like 67

Mom

January 24, 2024

only the Wise Adult part of us wants to be intimate 68

January 25, 2024

Our Adaptive Children choose self-protection over the 68

vulnerability of connection every time

January 25, 2024

whenever 68

January 25, 2024

inner children kicks up 68

January 25, 2024

put 68

January 25, 2024

child on their lap, put their arms around them, listen 68

compassionately

January 25, 2024

take their sticky hands off the steering wheel. 68

January 25, 2024

In case you find the language and imaginative work 68

January 25, 2024

treacly 68

January 25, 2024

 imagined 68

January 25, 2024

personified 68

January 25, 2024

inner child is nothing more than the traumatized, reactive 68

ego state

January 25, 2024

about the age you were when the injury occurred 68

January 25, 2024

hard to maintain skilled relationality in a pugnaciously 70

individualistic, unskilled, antirelational world.

January 25, 2024

4: The Individualist at Home

rugged 73

January 25, 2024

Enlightenment era 73

January 25, 2024

Aristocracy links everybody, from peasant to king, in one 74

long chain. Democracy breaks the chain and frees each link

January 25, 2024

Weimar Classicists 74

January 25, 2024

Goethe 74

January 25, 2024

new kind of individualism that was emotional rather than 74

rational

January 25, 2024

artistic 74

January 25, 2024

Rugged individualists 75

January 25, 2024

believe in the code of individualism, the assertion of one’s 75

unalienable rights

January 25, 2024

Romantic individualists 75

January 25, 2024

are moved not by individualism but by the unique expression 75

of individuality, finding and manifesting one’s singular
individual “genius.”

January 25, 2024

I don’t relate to babies 75

January 25, 2024

When Jim refused to help his beleaguered partner 75

January 25, 2024

standing up for his rights as an individual 75

January 25, 2024

pushing back at what he experienced as an encroachment on 75

his freedom to be left undisturbed

January 25, 2024

meeting the needs of his family was an imposition 75

January 25, 2024

third losing strategy: unbridled self-expression. “You did this 76

today. A week ago, you did the same damn thing. Last year
you did a really bad one. I’m hurt. I’m devastated. You
always. You never…”

January 25, 2024

offending from the victim position 77

January 25, 2024

Grandiose women 77

January 25, 2024

angry victim 77

January 25, 2024

You’re a verbal abuser 77

January 25, 2024

Yelling, screaming, shaming someone. Those are all forms of 77

verbal abuse. What’s it like to hear that

January 25, 2024

prove their usefulness by taking on her partner 77

January 25, 2024

I can teach you how to disarm her and be the compassionate, 79
kind guy I know you are all at the same time. Sound
interesting

January 25, 2024

Try keeping it positive. Not what he’s done wrong, but what 81
right might look like

EDe trimis Andreei +Alex

January 25, 2024

For rugged individualists 81

January 25, 2024

great fear 81

January 25, 2024

constraint of their personal freedom. But 81

January 25, 2024

Romantic individualists 81
January 25, 2024

they feel entitled to share themselves 81

January 25, 2024

notion of individuality—one’s genius, one’s unique stamp, 81

spirit, personality

January 25, 2024

rugged individualist’s nightmare 81

January 25, 2024

being dominated 81

January 25, 2024

Romantic individualist’s great fear 81

January 25, 2024

enforced conformity 81
January 25, 2024

being shut down and stifled, of losing their voice 81

January 25, 2024

Both individuals stand up virtuously for their rights, neither 81

thinking much of the whole

February 4, 2024

privileged obliviousness 82

January 31, 2024

Robert Sapolsky 83

January 31, 2024

the response of empathy and the response of action are two 83

very different and distinct physiological circuits

January 31, 2024

expressive Romantic individual 83

January 31, 2024

political left 83

January 31, 2024

shared disdain for conformity and their joy in rebellion 83

January 31, 2024

d stultification 84

January 31, 2024

Enlightenment political individualism became 84

January 31, 2024

modern right 84

January 31, 2024

Romantic expressive individualism 84

January 31, 2024

therapeutic 84

January 31, 2024

Robert Bellah 85

February 4, 2024

In the absence of any objective criteria of right and wrong, 85

good or evil, the self and its feelings become our moral
guide…The right act is simply the one that yields the agent
the most exciting challenge or the most good feeling about
himself…. Utility replaces duty; self-expression unseats
authority. “Being good” becomes “feeling good.”

February 4, 2024

Thomas Paine put it, “public good is not a term opposed to 85

the good of individuals. On the contrary, it is the good of
every individual collected. It is the good of all.”

February 4, 2024

men like Jim 85

January 31, 2024

who cleave both to the overt love 85

January 31, 2024

liberty 85

January 31, 2024

covert privileges of his caste 85

January 31, 2024

preservation of individualism 86

January 31, 2024

has historically required the suppression of less privileged 86

voices

January 31, 2024

The unacknowledged social underpinning 86

 January 31, 2024

caste, privilege, and exclusivity 86

January 31, 2024

interdependence 87

February 4, 2024

the legacy of individualism is loneliness. 88

February 4, 2024

5: Start Thinking Like a Team

In the linear, individualistic model 92

February 4, 2024

our relationship to relationships tends to be passive. You get 92

what you get, and then you react to it

February 4, 2024
we have something to say about what we get 92

February 4, 2024

Angry complaint is not seductive 93

February 4, 2024

his wife’s long-suffering victim, a common male stance 93

February 4, 2024

two statements: “I won’t live without sex for the rest of my 93

life!” And: “We both deserve a good sex life. I miss you. What
do we need to do as a team to set this to rights?”

February 4, 2024

How different are the assertions “I need more sex” and “We 93
need a healthy sex life.

February 4, 2024

All this time you’ve been trying to change Joanna,” I go on. 94

“What if I gave you some new moves on your end that might
get you more of what you want?”

February 4, 2024

What she wants, what turns her on, what it would look like to 94
warm her up

February 4, 2024

Start there. If those hands could speak, what would they be 95

saying

February 4, 2024

you may be able to influence your interaction with your 96

partner by changing your own behavior

February 4, 2024

when we stay wise 96

February 12, 2024

subjective sense of safety or its lack 96

February 12, 2024

Relationships are to some degree dangerous. Otherwise, 96
there would be no place for vulnerability. Where’s the
courage in jumping if you already know you’ll be caught?

February 12, 2024

Between the ideal and the reality,” wrote T. S. Eliot in The 97

Hollow Men, “…Falls the Shadow.

February 12, 2024

Seeing each other as separate individuals, rather than as 97

parts of a whole, an organism, sets you up to blame each
other and give your power away

February 12, 2024

Instead of endlessly trying to get your partner to be different, 97

you can try to change things by experimenting with new
moves on your end of the interaction

February 12, 2024

Ian Kerner’s 2009 classic She Comes First. 97

February 12, 2024

tongue is mightier than the sword 97

February 12, 2024

Your partner’s core negative image of you is a cartoon 98

version of you at your worst

February 12, 2024

core-negative-image-triggered 99

February 12, 2024

We almost universally react to the exaggeration. Hurt or 99

indignant that our partner would even think such a thing of
us, we ignore the grain of truth inside

February 12, 2024

February 12, 2024 99

Yes,” I could have said, “I was late.” Period. End of story. 100
“And yes, it was irresponsible of me, as I can tend to be

February 12, 2024

your partner’s core negative image of you: the more you 100
refute it, the more you’ll reinforce it. But the more you admit
to the kernel of truth within your partner’s exaggeration, the
greater the odds that the exaggeration will relax

February 12, 2024

Yielding can work as a core negative image buster 100

February 12, 2024

put their core negative images of each other on the table 100

February 12, 2024

Be clear 100

February 12, 2024

how you see the person when you portray them as 100
impossible, their all-time worst

February 12, 2024

Every jump from the particular to the general leaves me 102

feeling increasingly helpless. And that makes me angry,
which leads to more escalation.

February 12, 2024

Here’s something to remember: Functional actions in a 102

relationship are moves that empower your partner to come
through for you. Dysfunctional actions are those that render
your partner paralyzed

February 12, 2024

In a conflict, the farther your accusations stray from the 102

particular, the more impotent your partner will feel, and the
dirtier the move

February 12, 2024

Don’t jump from a microlevel upset to a macrolevel analysis 102

when you’re triggered

February 12, 2024

I’ve never met a passive-aggressive person who didn’t grow 106

up in an environment in which being openly aggressive
would have gotten the snot kicked out of him, if not
physically then psychologically

February 12, 2024

You’ve got to stand up to her,” I tell him. “You’ve got to be 106
direct. I’ll help you if you want. I’ll walk you through every
step. You didn’t see this growing up, standing up for yourself
respectfully

February 12, 2024

Children have no boundaries,” I tell Darlene. “They’re 107

wide-open systems. When she hears you scream at William,
it goes into her as if you were screaming at her. I’d do the
same trauma work with her as with a kid who’d been sworn
at

February 12, 2024

February 12, 2024 108

Finally, if you want to break up your pattern and get more of 109
something in your relationship, try giving it. Instead of
complaining that you no longer have fun, arrange a night
out. Don’t whine about your pathetic sex life—find out what
turns your partner on, and try giving it to them

February 12, 2024

what you might do differently to evoke a different response 110

from them
 February 13, 2024

6: You Cannot Love from Above or Below

grandiosity and shame. First of all, they are both lies; they 117
are purely delusional

February 15, 2024

One human being simply cannot be fundamentally superior 117

or inferior to another

February 15, 2024

Our culture rewards Adaptive Children because the values 118

and mores of that less mature, individualistic, nonrelational
part of ourselves mirrors the values and mores of our
culture’s individualism. We live in an antirelational,
narcissistic society whose essence for centuries has been the
one-up, one-down world of capitalist competition.

February 16, 2024

How old were you,” I hazard a guess, “when you started 120
taking care of him emotionally?”

February 16, 2024

That little boy helplessly trying to drag his inert father off the 121
floor is an archetype of disempowerment

February 17, 2024

You have to decide who you belong to—your wild 123

March 29, 2024

grandiose father or your wife and kids. What kind of man do 123
you want to be—an indulger, like your dad, or a real family
man

March 29, 2024

“Which family? The one you grew up with or the one you’ll 123
grow old with?”

March 29, 2024

The dysfunctional stance that we repeat endlessly in our 123

relationships is driven by our Adaptive Child, which adapted
to—with a mix of resistance and modeling—the treatment we
received as kids.

April 1, 2024
painfully aware of the disempowering aspects of our 123
childhoods, but we’re fairly blind to false empowerment—our
grandiosity—either directly, through a parent’s pumping us
up, or indirectly, through their modeling grandiose thinking
and behaviors.

April 1, 2024

I tell grandiose men like Bruce that entitled privilege is like a 124
knife that’s all blade—it cuts the hand that wields it

April 1, 2024

The emotion driving both shame and grandiosity is contempt 125

April 1, 2024

contempt is emotional violence 125

April 1, 2024

Does what I’m about to say fall below the level of basic 126
respect?

April 1, 2024
You may not be able to control them, but, whenever you 126
judge it to be in your best interest, you can in most instances
either speak up or, if need be, leave

April 2, 2024

That son of a gun who just cut you off on the highway may 126
deserve your rage, but you deserve to live a rage-free life

April 2, 2024

Here’s an exercise I’d like you to try. For about ten days to 126
two weeks, keep a self-esteem journal.

Self esteem journal

April 3, 2024

Our Relationship to Ourselves We tend to hold ourselves the 127

way we were held

April 2, 2024

healthy self-esteem means exactly what it says: it is our 127

capacity to esteem ourselves—to hold ourselves warmly,
tenderly—in the face of our screw-ups and imperfections.

April 3, 2024
Bruce needed to feel the discrepancy between how he was 128
living compared to how he wanted to live.

How you live vs how you want

April 3, 2024

When a client shifts from shamelessness to toxic shame, they 128

move from one form of self-preoccupation to another. You’re
still preoccupied with yourself

April 3, 2024

To repair a relationship, it doesn’t help to keep berating 128

yourself. You need to shift your attention to the person you
hurt. It’s not about you one way or another. Accountability to
the person you hurt sounds like I’m sorry I hurt you. What
can I do to help you feel better?

April 3, 2024

tell Bruce toward the end of our work together, “A boy’s 129
question to the world is: ‘What do you have for me?’ A man’s
question is: ‘What does this moment demand of me? What do
I need to give?’

A boys question vs a mens question

April 3, 2024
 Research shows us that giving brings much longer-lasting 130
happiness than receiving does

Giving bring more joy

April 3, 2024

Coming out of trauma means moving into the now, into 130
connection with whatever is happening—in you or between
you and others—without feeling the need to control or shape
it.

Comung out of trauma looks like

April 3, 2024

the simple trust that things will work out on their own 131
without the stamp of your will.

April 3, 2024

7: Your Fantasies Have Shattered, Your Real Relationship Can

Begin

Shattered Assumptions 134

Book on trauma

April 3, 2024
in crisis lies opportunity 135

April 4, 2024

Both transformation and dissolution begin with crisis, with 135

disequilibrium. Enough disequilibrium spells death to the
system as it is. But even that might not be the end of the story

April 4, 2024

start of one of Dr. Ed Tronick’s famous film clips, a baby is 136

molded into her

April 4, 2024

dopamine, the reward chemical and the same chemical 137

cocaine releases to cause addiction. Another is norephedrine,
an arousing chemical central to fight-or-flight vigilance,
leading to an enlivening feeling akin to a runner’s high.
Levels of testosterone and estrogen also increase, two
hormones that create the quickened pulse of lust. What goes
on in the brains of young lovers is so like an addictive
process—even including physiological signs of withdrawal
when the love object is absent—that psychologists have long
noted the phenomenon of romance or love addiction

Cocktail honeymooon phase

April 4, 2024