Quick Intervention Skills for

De-Escalating Conflict

© Conflict Resolution & Training, St. Stephen’s Community House, The

Neighbourhood Group 2020
 Table of Contents

Agenda 3
Our View of Conflict 4
Approaches to Conflict Resolution 4
The Dynamics of Conflict Escalation 5
De-Escalating Conflict: Responding to an Escalated Person 6
How Active Listening Helps Prevent Conflict Escalation 7
Not Taking it Personally: Listening for What’s Beneath the Surface 8
Active Listening Techniques- Acknowledging Information 9
Active Listening Techniques- Inviting Information 10
Reframing Skills 11
Paraverbal Communication and Non-Verbal Communication 12
Quick Intervention Model 13
Setting Boundaries 15
Anger Thermometer 17

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 Agenda

Welcome & Housekeeping

Introductions
Communication Biases
BREAK (10:30-10:45)
Approaches to Conflict Resolution
Escalation
CLAIM
LUNCH (12:25- 1:25)
CLAIM continued
Things to Keep in Mind While De-Escalating Conflict
Quick Intervention Model
BREAK (3:05- 3:20)
Quick Intervention Model Continued
Setting Boundaries
Review
Check-out and Final Questions

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 Our View of Conflict

• Conflict is inevitable;
• Conflict is an opportunity for learning, dialogue and increasing understanding;
• Early indicators of conflict can be recognized;
• There are strategies for resolution that do help.
• With the right response, conflict can be an opportunity.

People are not difficult. Situations and behaviours can be very difficult.

Approaches to Conflict Resolution

1. Power-based approaches to handling conflict use power to coerce or pressure
other people into do something they would not otherwise do. Power-based
approaches include the use of authority, threats, manipulation, physical force,
intimidation, public pressure, wars, strikes, consumer boycotts, acts of civil
disobedience, etc.

2. Rights-based approaches to handling conflict appeal to a general standard and

apply it to a particular case. “What’s the rule that applies to everyone? How do
we apply it here?” These standards may be explicit and codified in laws, policies,
contracts, religious moral codes, etc., or may be implicit in given cultures or
contexts.

3. Interest-based approaches to handling conflict ask the question “What needs or

underlying interests are you trying to address by taking a certain position? Why is
it important to you to have what you’re asking for?” Interest-based approaches to
conflict seek to identify the underlying needs of the particular individuals in the
conflict and generate new ways of meeting as many needs as possible.

All of these approaches to conflict have value. Power-based and rights-based

approaches can sometimes accomplish what interest-based approaches cannot. The
problem is that people often resort automatically to power-based and rights-based
approaches when an interest-based approach might have generated a more creative,
more satisfying solution for all.

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 The Dynamics of Conflict Escalation
When people hear another person’s concerns, complaints or demands, it makes them
fear that their own needs will not be met.

People then feel they must protect their needs by:

Defending:
• defending their behaviour (“I’m not doing anything wrong.”)
• defending their character (“I'm a reasonable person.”)

and by Attacking:
• criticizing the other’s behaviour (“You’re acting like a child.”)
• criticizing the other’s character (“You have no concern for others.”)
• insulting the other (“You’re incompetent.”)
• making threats (“I’ll speak to the manager if…”)
• minimizing the other’s concern (“What are you so upset about?”)

When the other hears the attacks, they respond

similarly by defending themselves and counter-
attacking.

This escalates the conflict as both people shift

their attention away from the problem and focus
on defending themselves and attacking the other.

The effects of conflict escalation include:

• distrust;
• communication breakdown as both
avoid hurtful interactions;
• misunderstandings that result from unchecked assumptions;
• each person’s sense of legitimacy is undermined by the other’s criticisms;
• problem solving is minimal as each spends energy on defending themselves
and attacking the other.

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 De-Escalating Conflict:
Responding to an Escalated Person

Centre yourself
Listen for what’s important to the speaker
Acknowledge what you heard
Invite more information
Move towards problem solving

Centre yourself – remain calm and avoid reacting to the attack.

This enables you to focus on the speaker and to listen to them with openness, respect &
interest.

Listen for what is important to the speaker- which may be underneath the surface.
What underlies their anger and the demands they are making? What are their
concerns, experiences, feelings, values, and needs?

Acknowledge what you heard- & pause for a response.

In order to help the speaker feel that you understand what is important to them, reflect
back what you heard and then pause to make sure that you have heard them correctly.

Listen for what’s Reflect what you heard Pause for response
important to the speaker

Invite more information

Asking open-ended questions can help you understand the situation better and gives
the speaker a chance to express their needs in more detail. It brings out information
that may be valuable for problem-solving.

Move toward problem-solving

Depending on the situation, this might mean asking the speaker for their ideas about
how to solve the problem, or making your own suggestions for their consideration, or
simply explaining the available options within the limits of policies/resources/etc

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 How Active Listening Helps Prevent Conflict Escalation

Taken together, the three middle steps of CLAIM – Listening for what’s important to the
other person, Acknowledging what you heard, and Inviting more information – are
known as Active Listening.

Active Listening makes it clear to the other person that the things of importance to them
have been heard. When a person knows that the things of importance to them have
been heard, they feel calmer, are less likely to respond with defensiveness and attacks
and/or have greater willingness to listen.

When defensiveness and attacks are reduced or avoided, the cycle of conflict escalation
slows or ends and information important for problem solving can come forward.

Centre yourself

Listen for whats important

Acknowledge what you hear & pause for a response

Invite more information

Move towards problem solving

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 Not Taking It Personally: Listening for What’s Beneath the Surface

Anger often leads people to make judgments, criticisms, or demands, and take rigid
positions. If we focus primarily on these, we are likely to feel hurt, defensive and angry
in return.

Listening for the concerns, experiences, feelings, values, needs, and interests that
underlie a person’s anger helps us to:

• Take things less personally

• Feel more empathy for the person
• Identify what is important to the person
• Gather information that may help with problem-solving

Judgements You’re
& Positions useless!

Underlying
Factors

Some Different Types of Interests

Substantive Interests Psychological Interests Procedural Interests

(result) “What” (emotional) (process) “How”

• Things • Feeling respected, • Fairness

• Resources included, cared about • Transparency
• Time • Having a voice • Confidentiality
• Money • Saving face • Consultation

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 Active Listening Techniques

Acknowledging Information

Restating Key Points

Purpose To show you have heard and understood what was said; to check that you
understood correctly

Method Using your own words, summarize what the other person has said;
encourage the speaker to correct you if you are wrong

Examples • "So you submitted the documents three weeks ago and haven’t heard
anything back yet. Is that right?”
• “You think it’s unfair that the program is only for seniors. Is that right?”
Reflecting Feelings

Purpose To show that you understand how the speaker feels; to help the speaker
consider his or her own feelings after hearing them expressed by someone
else

Method Identify the speaker’s emotions; encourage the speaker to correct you if you
are wrong. It is often helpful to include the reason why the speaker feels this
way, to avoid sounding patronizing.

Examples • “You’re afraid you might get evicted if this problem isn’t resolved soon.
Am I right?”
• “You feel really frustrated at having been kept waiting for the meeting to
start, when you were so busy.”
• “You were really angry and felt betrayed when you heard that I had told
Maria about your health issues. Is that right?”
Reflecting Values & Positive Intentions

Purpose To acknowledge the speaker’s values and how they affect the conflict; to
show respect without necessarily agreeing with the speaker; to recognize
any positive intentions and efforts

Method Identify the speaker’s values, positive intentions, and efforts

Examples • “It sounds as though privacy is very important to you. Am I right?”

• “So you’re saying that when you raised your voice, it was just to get my
attention. Is that right?”
• “You’d tried really hard to get here on time.”

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 Active Listening Techniques

Inviting Information

Encouraging the Speaker

Purpose To provide a safe space for the speaker to talk; to convey

interest and encourage the speaker to elaborate on what is
important to him/her

Method Minimize distractions; use body language to convey

attentiveness; allow for silence

Examples • Face the speaker, if s/he is comfortable with that; nod your
head
• Encouraging sounds, such as “Uh-huh…Mmm…”

Clarifying Questions

Purpose To get more information; to help the speaker be concrete and

specific

Method Ask open-ended questions (questions that can’t be answered

with only “yes” or “no”)

Examples • “What happened next?”

• “Can you say more about that?”
• “How were you hoping the discussion would go?”
• “You said the older kids who use the centre are often mean.
Can you give me an example?”
• “If X happens, how will that affect you?”
• “Can you tell me more about the impact the extra workload
has had on you?”

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 Reframing Skills

Focus on Behaviours and Systems

Feelings, style, attitudes and values may be significant elements of a conflict. Although
these non-negotiable concerns cannot be resolved directly, people may need to discuss
them further.

Judicious questions can help them reframe these concerns into specific behaviors and
systems that can be negotiated:

You said that having her around is too upsetting--are there times when you'd especially
like to be left alone?

Terry, you say you feel disrespected. Can you describe specific things you'd like Jordan
to do that would demonstrate respect for you?

You both say that customer service is the key to making this business succeed. Can
each of you give a few examples of what good customer service looks like?

Use Neutral Language

Finding a neutral phrase that is honest and that is not a euphemism which glosses over
the real problem can be a challenge. The trick is naming the behaviors, consequences,
or subjects at issue without characterizing them.

Angry Colleague: Her desk is a disgraceful mess!

Your Response: One issue is how neat the office should be.

Angry Client: I don't want anyone trespassing on my private property.

Your Response: Property boundaries are an issue for you.

Angry Staff Member: That policy is sexist.

Your Response: You are concerned about how this policy affects female clients.

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 Paraverbal Communication and Non-Verbal Communication

If your words do not match your tone and body language, people will believe your tone
and body language before they will believe your words.

We send out many unconscious signals to each other. When attempting to de-escalate
angry people it’s important to keep in mind the effect of paraverbal communication and
non-verbal communication. Paraverbal communication, your tone, volume, and cadence
can change the meaning of a sentence and convey completely different information to
the listener than you are attempting to tell them. Non-verbal communication, your body
language, can have the same effect. If you say no while shaking your head yes, the
listener has to decide what you are trying to convey.

Examples of Paravebal and Non-Verbal Communication

Tone- inflection of voice (sarcasm, impatience, caring, supportive)

Volume- how loud or soft you speak (shouting, whispering)

Cadence- the rate or rhythm of speech (how fast or slow you speak)

Facial Expression- the motions or positions of the muscles beneath the skin of the face
(can convey happiness, sadness, concern, fear, disgust)

Body Movement/Posture- the way we move and position our physical body (your
posture, stance, gestures, eye contact, and touch can all convey messages)

Remember! Just as everyone experiences and reacts to anger differently, so will we

react differently to these ways of communicating. You may need to change your style if
it is making the situation worse. Someone might appreciate a kind voice and a gentle
hand on the forearm, while the same actions will set another person off and make them
angrier.

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 Quick Intervention Model
Active listening principles applied to resolve a conflict “on the spot”

Four Essential Steps:

1. Get the attention of both people

• Make sure they are looking at you.
• Make sure they have stopped other activities.

2. Tell them you are going to listen to them one at a time

• Ask for their co-operation so that you can hear each person’s concerns.
• If one person interrupts (and this will happen), remind them that you need them
to wait and reassure them that they will have their turn soon.
• If they start arguing with each other, get them talking to you again.

3. Restate after each person speaks

• This will let each person know that you understand their concerns.
• This gives the other person a better chance of hearing the other’s concerns
because:
o they are not able to interrupt
o they have to hear the other’s story
o and they hear your restatement.

• Acknowledge values and clarify each party’s interests. This helps direct each
person’s thinking about their (and the other’s) interests, which is easier to do
once they feel their values or rights are recognized.
o “It’s important to you that time limits are respected; and right now
you want to use the computer because you need to....”

• Some key phrases:

o “So you are feeling angry that the computer is not free yet, even
though you booked it.”
o “It must be frustrating not to have been able to finish, when the
resume is due today.”
o “It’s understandable that you are upset about….”
o “It’s hard to wait….”
o “It’s difficult to be in that situation”

• To help one person identify with the other, you could try:
o “It sounds like you feel…, Maria. Do you hear how Maria feels, Jane?
Have you ever felt like that?”
• It’s best if the understanding can go both ways. Then provide a quick summary.
o “Mary, it sounds like you are worried about… and Joan, you are in a hurry
because… Let’s see if we can work something out so you can both get
what you need.”

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 4. Problem Solving
There are three approaches to problem solving, depending on your assessment of the
situation.

a. Involve the parties in problem solving

• Solicit their ideas. “What can you suggest that would meet both your needs?”
• If one reacts against an idea, ask for more.
• Get them to think beyond simply suggesting that the other person change. “What
can you think of that you can do to solve the situation.
• Once they have worked out a solution, thank them for working out the problem.

This method has the advantage of modeling good listening and problem-solving skills,
and helps them to have stake in the outcome, rather than relying on an outside source.
It helps facilitate a smoother relationship the next time they meet.

b. Suggest a possible solution

• Restate what you hear each person’s needs are, then say: “Would you Anne, be
willing to let Wendy do X then you can do Y—? Would that meet your needs?
Would that solve the problem?” Thank them for being flexible.

It may help, before you make your suggestion, to use an “I message”, since by deciding
the issue you have entered the negotiation as additional negotiator, e.g., “Because of
our time pressures, I would like to make a suggestion. Would you . . . [describe the
suggestion] .”

c. Make a decision for them

You may need to use this approach if they are not able to come to a solution
through process a) or b). Tell them what you have decided. You might:
• Refer to a Rule:
o “…therefore you will need to come back this afternoon if you want to use
the computer longer today.”
• If possible, offer a choice:
o “You could come back at 3 p.m. today or 9 a.m. tomorrow. Which would
work better for you? ”

It may help also to acknowledge their reaction to this decision or the effect on them and
to use an “I message”, since by deciding the issue you have entered the negotiation as
additional negotiator, e.g., “You’re concerned about handling the extra work this
creates. I wish it could be different, but, given the circumstances, we’re pretty limited in
our choices.”

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 Setting Boundaries

In many cases, active listening is sufficient to get a person to calm down (or stay calm) and co-
operate with you. However, when you’ve tried active listening and the person’s behaviour still
seriously interferes with your ability to do your work, or when you feel you are being harassed
or treated abusively, it is important to address the situation directly.

Step 1: Prepare yourself and avoid escalating the situation

• Stay calm and respectful
• Avoid becoming defensive. (Don't say: “It’s not my fault that . . . ”)
• Avoid criticizing, blaming, insulting and judging. (Don’t say: “You're making this very
difficult for me”, “It’s your own fault that . . . ”, “Stop being so rude”, “You're very
insulting. I can see you’ll never make very many friends in this world.”)
• Do not threaten unrealistic consequences that are too extreme for the situation.
• Avoid retaliating for the hostile, hurtful comments the person may have made.

Step 2: Acknowledge their concerns and express willingness to help

Acknowledge the concerns and feelings you have heard expressed so far
• “I can see you’re really frustrated by this situation….”
• “You’re really furious about what happened…”
• “You’ve been under a lot of pressure because of what’s happened and you were
really hoping to get this settled today …”
Express your intention to help
• “… and I want to do what I can to help you with that (or ‘to address your
concerns’).”

Step 3: Use Directive Statements

• Describe problematic behaviour neutrally, and describe its impact on you and on
your ability to help
• “When you talk at this level, though, I find it hard to listen to what you’re saying.”
• “When you lean across my desk, I feel uncomfortable and it makes it hard for me to
work with you.”
• “When you interrupt me, I can’t explain the situation and move this process along for
you.”
Or state your needs
• “If we’re going to talk about this, you need to keep your voice down.”
• “For me to help you, I need you to step back a little.”
• “If we’re going to work together, you need to let me finish speaking before you
add your ideas.”
Get agreement for them to change their behaviour
• “Would you be willing to keep your voice down? Okay…”
• “Could you move back so we could do that? Great…”
• “Could you do that? Thanks…”

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
Step 4: Deal with the person’s concerns
Follow a directive statement with a return to the person’s concerns.
Use active listening to reduce the chance of more disruptive behaviour.
• “Now, you mentioned . . . ; tell me more about that.”
• “You were telling me about . . . ; what happened after that?”
• “You were starting to tell me about . . ..”
• “Now at this point your choices are . . . and . . . How would you like to handle it?”
If the disruptive behaviour continues, you may decide to provide a calming down period,
or to end the conversation altogether. Stay calm, firm, and respectful.
• “I’m not going to continue this conversation right now while you are using
language that disrespects me. Have a seat and I will talk to you again in 10
minutes.”
• “It’s not okay for you to talk to me like this. Our rules apply to everyone equally.
When you feel able to respect them, you are welcome to come back.”
• “I’m going to end this conversation now. You’re welcome to call again when
you’re prepared to speak more respectfully to our staff.”

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group
 Anger Thermometer

Anger Level Suggested Strategies

Threat to physical security Crisis intervention plan

Disruptive Directive statements,

reframing, setting
boundaries

Angry, hostile, aggressive Reframing, active

listening

Concerned, anxious, Active listening used in

distressed focused, thorough way to
de-escalate

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© 2020 Conflict Resolution & Training | St. Stephen’s Community House | The Neighbourhood Group