The Actor’s Nightmare
351AUTHOR'S NOTE
| assume that most people who are in theatre, or even have just dabbled in
igchave had these “actor nightmares"—you dream that you have to go on
sage, but for some reason youve never attended rehearsal and you don't know
a single line
Aer wing hs play, Ive leaned hatin pecholoilraurethis
dream is called “the good student's dream,” and he prororype isthe high school
‘or college student, in life usually quice conscientious, who dreams that he has
to take a test, but that he is totally unprepared: He has forgotten to study, oF
has lost his Book, or he cant read the questions, and o on.
My personal variations have included dreaming I was playing Edmund in
Long Days Journey Into Night and thinking to myself wel, I know the story, 1
just dontt know the lines, maybe I can fake it. Or once dreaming 1 was acting
at Yale Repertory Theatre bue that they had re-designed the backstage area so
that I kept geting lose in hallways and couldnt Gnd my way onco the stage. Or
once dreaming I was in a musical that I knew nothing about—never rehearsed,
never read it—and finding myself onstage needing to sing along with an or-
chestra, guessing at what the melody was, and ad-libbing lyrics, including some
thar chymed. They dist make sense, but chey shymed.
Recently I had the best actor’ nightmare, for me atleast. I have acted the
role in The Actor’ Nightmare ewice (covering for my fiend Jeff Brooks when he
‘wencon vacation from the Off-Broadway version); and in the dream Iam about
‘o go on in my own play as George Spelvin, but I havent done ic in over ten
years, T havent rchearsed it, and even though I'm the author, 'm not sure if 1
still know the lines. So I keep wandering about backstage looking for copies of
the seripr—with minutes until I go on—buc the stage manager for some reason
docsn'chave any copies ofthe play. I keep looking at the stage manages’s book—
‘which normally has the play being done—but it just has words and words on
it not my play, and when I read the words, they make no sense, my brain cant
‘compute the meanings of whats on the page.
So ie’ from a lifetime of dreams like this that I wrote this play. Ancl from
hnearing and enjoying the theatrical war stories of some friends who were un-
derstudies and had 10 go on with very short notice.
1 also wrote the play specifically as a companion piece to Siter Mary
‘Ignatius. For that purpose, 1 made sure the main character was male, that there
‘was 4 meaty but very different, somewhat glamorous part for the actiess who
‘would play Sister Marys and [also added some positive thoughts about religion,
as spoken by the man reminiscing about his days at a monastery school.
352 CHRISTOPHER Duranc
ORIGINAL PRODUCTION
The Actors Nightmare was fs presented by Playwsights Horizons in New
York City on a double bill with Sister Mary Ignasi Explains It All For You on
October 14, 1981. The production was directed by Jerry Zaks; set design by
Karen Schule; costume design by William Ivey Longs lighting design by Paul
Gallo; sound design by Aural Fisation; production stage manager was Esthet
Cohen. The cast was as follows:
George Speivin. ee Jeff Brooks
Meg... ou sees. Poly Draper
Satth SHIMON... seseeeceeeees «-- Hlnabeth Frana
Bllen Terty oe. esescesecesessessse May Catherine Weight
Henry leving .. Timothy Landfeld
CHARACTERS
(GEORGE SPELVIN, an accountant, 203-308
MEG, a sage manager, 25-30
SARAH SIDDONS, a grand actress
ELLEN TERRY. another acts. not as grand
HENRY IRVING, a grand actor
(Note: Thete is alo the pare ofthe Executioner, bu I prefer that chat part not
belisted in the program. Its normally double-ast with Henryeving, but you
could have a separate actor do iif you prefered.)
During the subsequenc run of The Actors Nightmare, he fllowing actors
also joined the production: as George, Christopher Durang, Brian Keeler, john
Short; as Mog, Carolyn Mignini, Brenda Currin, Madi Weland; as Sarah,
Nancy Marchand, Mary Louise Wilson, Kathleen Chalfant, Lynn Redgrave,
Patricia Gage; a Ellen, Deborah Rush, Alice Playten, Cynthia Darlow, Winnie
Holzman, Angee Cockcroft; as Henry, Jefficy Hayenga, Mark Herries, Kevin
O'Rourke. The undesstudies during the run included Claudette Sutherland,
Merle Louise, Helen-Jean Arthur (all thee for Sarah) and Mark Arnot, Tracey
Ellis, Debra Dean, James Eekhouse, and Tan Blackman.
‘The final performance off Broadway was Januaty 29, 1984.
THE ACTOR'S NIGHTMARE 353THE ACTOR’S NIGHTMARE
Scene: Basically an empty stage, maybe with a few set pieces on it or
around iz. George Spelvin, a young man, wanders in. He looks baffled
sand uncertain where he is. Enter Meg, the stage manager. In jeans and
sweatshirt, perbaps, pleasant, efficient.
eronck: Oh, P’m sorry. T don't know how I got in here.
MEG: Oh, thank goodness yout here. I've been calling you.
GeORGE: Pardon?’
MeG: An awful thing has happened. Eddie's been in a car accident, and.
you'll have to gp on for him.
Ge0RGE: Good heavens, how awful. Whos Eddie?
MEG: Eddie.
(He looks blank.)
‘MG: Edwin, You have to go on for him.
‘GEORGE: On for him.
MEG: Well, he can't go on. He's been in a car accident
‘GEORGE: Yes | understood thar part. But what do you mean “go on for
him"?
es: You play the part. Now I know you haven't had a chance co re-
hearse it exactly, but presumably you know your lines, and you've
certainly seen it enough.
‘Ge0RGE: I dont understand. Do I know you
Mec: George, we really don't have time for this kind of joshing. Hal
hour. (Exit)
GeoRGE: My name isn't George, it'...well, I dontt know what itis, but
it isn't George.
354 CHarstorHeR DURANG
(Enter Sarah Siddons, a glamorous actress, perbaps in a sweeping cape.)
sara: My God, did you hear about Eddie?
GeoRGE: Yes I did.
¢s just too, too awful. Now good luck tonight, George darling,
we're all counting on you. OF course, you'te a litle too young for the
part, and you are shorter chan Edwin so we'll cut all the ines about
bumping your head on the ceiling. And dont forget when T cough
three times, thats your cue co unaip the back of my dress and then
Til slap you. We changed it from last night. (She starts to exit)
cronce: Wait, please. What play are we doing exactly?
Sarat: (Stares at him.) What?
GEORGE: What is the play, please?
sara: Coward.
Geonce: Pardon?
SARAH: Coward. (Looks at him as if bes erazy) Its the Coward. Noel
Coward. (Suddenly relacing.) George, donit do that. For a secénd, 1
thoughe you were serious. Break a leg, darling. (Exits)
GEORGE: (To himself) Coward. I wonder if ies Private Lives At least 've
seen that one. I don't remember reheatsing ic exactly. And am I an
sctor? T thought I was an eccountant. And why does everyone call
me George?
(Enter Dame Ellen Terry, younger than Sarah, a bit less grand.)
ELLEN: Hello, Stanley. I heard about Edwin. Good luck tonight. Were
counting on you.