This is a work of fiction.

Names, characters, places,

and incidents are either products of the author’s
imagination or, if real, are used fictitiously.
Copyright © 2011 by Liz Pichon
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced,
transmitted, or stored in an information retrieval system
in any form or by any means, graphic, electronic, or
mechanical, including photocopying, taping, and recording,
without prior written permission from the publisher.
First U.S. electronic edition 2014
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 2013952846
ISBN 978-0-7636-7472-4 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-0-7636-7581-3 (electronic)
This book was typeset in Pichon.
The illustrations were done in mixed media.
Candlewick Press
99 Dover Street
Somerville, Massachusetts 02144
visit us at www.candlewick.com

Sm al l
bu g
 TOM i s w o r t h at
T his book GATES

IF no t
M o re !
 Dedicated to
LOADS of
lovely people

M ark
Z ak E lla L i ly
Than ks to S arah S .
An d to my dad, w ho rea lly
did wear som e
S eri o u s ly
em barrassin g outfits.
1
 ve n t h ough I o nly l i ve four minutes away
from my sc h ool , I ’m often late.

sc ho ol MY h o u s e
MY (O ak fi el d) To

24
Ch

Ca
eap

stl
Str

e R
Tw
eet

o
oa
mi
nut
d
SHOP

es
a k fi e l d
O

Street !
An
ot
her
P e r cy
ho ol STOP
two minutes to sc

This is u s ua l ly bec a us e m e a nd D erek

(my b e s t m ate a nd n ext- doo r neigh b or) "chat”
a b it ( O K, a L OT ) o n th e way . Sometimes
it ’s b e c a u s e we g et d i s tracted by delicious
fru it c hew s a nd c a ra m e l wafers
at t he s hop . O cc a s i o n a l ly , it’s b ecause
I ’ ve had load s of oth er very important th ings
to do.
2
 or in s t anc e, th i s i s w h at I d id th is morning
(my firs t day bac k at sc h ool ).

Wok e u p — l i s ten ed to music

P layed my g uita r
Rolled out of bed (s low ly )
Look ed fo r s oc ks
Look ed fo r c loth es
Played s o m e m o re g uita r
R ea lized I h ad n ’t do ne my “summer reading
homew ork”

PANICKED – th ought of
good exc u s e fo r lac k of h o m ework ( ph ew!).
A n noyed my s i s ter, Del ia . W h i ch I admit d id
t ak e u p a very LARG E c h unk of th e morning
(time we ll s pent, th ough ) .
Hid D e lia’s s ung la s s es .
Took my co m i c i nto th e bath room to read
(while D e lia wa ited outs ide — H a! H a!). Wh en
Mom s hout s . . .
3
 "ToM! You're LATE
FO SChoOL!" r
Run pa s t Delia ( wh o’s still
wait in g outs ide th e bath roo m and quite cross
now ) . Ignore h er
sis te r ly love. C REEP!
Save p re c ious ti m e by :
Not b rus h i n g h a i r
Not b rus h i n g teeth (fo r very long)
Not k i s s i ng M o m good- by e
( Too old fo r a l l th at k ind of th ing.)
Eat t he la s t pi ec e of toa s t, t h en grab my
p ac k ed lu nch a n d my bi ke. Sh out
to anyon e w h o c a n h ea r m e.
BYE!
T he n b ik e to sc h ool i n about two minutes f lat.

4
W hic h is a New TOM GATES WORLD
REC ORD . . . . And this is the R EALLY good bit . . .
h a s just arrived too!

I am s o plea s ed to s ee h er after th e
holidays . I s m i le i n w h at I th ink is a nice,
frie n d ly c heery way .

A my is not i m pres s ed . S h e loo ks at me lik e I’m

we ird ( b ut I ’m not).
g
lin
s mi
e H I, Amy !
M

( T his i s a bad s ta rt to my day .)

Th en it g ets worse. . . .

5
Mr. F ullerman (my fifth year teacher)
makes the whole class stand outside our room.
He says,

"Welcome BACK, Class

5F. I ’ v e g o t a
BIG
surprise for you ALL."
(W h i c h i s not good news.)

OH, NO H e’s rearranged ALL th e

de s k s ! I ’m now s itti ng right at th e front of
t he c la s s . Wo rs e s ti l l , M a rc us “M oany ” M eldrew
is n ext to m e.

This is a disaster. How am I going to draw

my pictures and read my comics? Sitting at th e
bac k of t h e c la s s, I could avoid th e teach er’s
glare s . B ut I a m SO close to M r.
Fu lle r ma n now I c a n s ee up his nose.
6
 Before
Mr. Fullerman
in the distance.

M e at
the BACK.

Solom on
Stewa rt

NOW
aring
GL
Tom Gates, BEADY eYes
I CAN SEE
YOU!

an
G ro

Amy Me Marcu s

Front of the class

A n d if t h at’s not bad enough ,
Me ld rew I S th e m o s t a n noy i n g b oy in th e
Marcus
whole sc h ool . H e i s SO no sy and th ink s h e
k now s eve ry th i ng .

M a rc u s M eld rew i s a l ready annoy ing me. . . .

H e is look in g over my s h oulder wh ile
I’m w r it in g th i s .

H e i s st i ll loo ki ng . . . .

Sti l l loo king. . . .

Yes, M ARC U S , I ’m w riti n g ab out

YOU
8
 MARCUS MeLdrew
ha s a fac e l i ke a m ous e.

Ma rc u s Me ld rew h a s a fac e l i k e a

Moose!
Moosey Marcus . . .

( H e’s s topped loo ki ng now.)

9
Bu T on th e oth er s ide of me, th e good
new s is I a m now s itti n g n ext to
, w h o i s very smart and
ni c e ( eve n th ough s h e d id n’t seem th rilled to
se e me t his m o rn i n g ) .

BriLLIANT A t least I can h ave

a s n ea ky loo k over h er sh oulder for a
few r ight a n s wers .

I t hin k s h e i s loo ki n g at me now.

is ve ry nice.

10
 Sh e ’s not loo ki ng .

S he ’s ig no ri n g m e. . . . I t h ink .

So I might a s wel l s top w riti ng nice th ings

now a n d d raw a dood le i ns tead.

me up.)
h i s cheers
( T

cus
Mar
a
s q u i s h e d by
gets
Then Mr. F ul lerm a n say s,

“A s yo u c a n s e e , I ’ v e c h ange d a fe w
thin gs aro u n d . ”

(Don ’t I k now it! )

T he n he b e g i n s to ta ke atten dance.

(Usually I would take this opportunity to draw

a few cool pictures, or take out my comic for
a quick read. But I’m SO close to Mr.
Fullerman and his beady eyes that I
have to wait until he finishes and walks to the
back of the class before I can get doodling in
my book.)

OK, h e’s go ne now . I ’m th ink ing of

na me s to c a l l my ba nd th at D erek and I are
in. We ’ re not very good YET, b ut if I can
t hin k of a rea l ly good n a m e, th at will mak e us
se e m ext ra cool .
12
H ow ab out A LI E N TW I N S? Foot Fighters ?
I k now . . . DOGZ O M B I E S.

S i m p le
Minds

Marcus
HA! HA!
Mr. Ful lerm a n i nterrupts my d rawing ( I’ve
t u r n ed t he pag e over fa s t s o h e can’t see
it ) a n d ha n d s out th e fi rs t p iece of work we
have to do th i s term . (G roa n.)

14
 riting
t i o n S tor y W
Vaca
F.
e back , Class 5
Welcom
ry
to w r ite a sto .
I w o u ld like yo u
m m e r holidays
Today your s u
h a t y o u did on
about w
?
id y o u go away ?
*D ur family
y o re did
* Did yo
u v is it
e r li k e and whe
eath
W h a t w as the w
*
?
you stay tail.
e v e r y th ing in de
ibe
e m b e r to descr
Rem
ding
fo r w a r d to rea
g
lly lookin
I am rea ns!
o u t y o u r vacatio
all ab

rman
Mr. Fulle

My s um m er wa s n ’t a g reat success,
b ut it do es h ave a very h appy ending. . . .

He r e goes
15
 T his y ea r, Dad s a id, “Let’s go camping,
it ’s c hea p .” M o m d id n’t s eem th at k een, b ut
I ’ d n eve r been c a m pi ng befo re, so I was
look in g forwa rd to it.
Dad a n d I went to th e camping sh op to
b uy a few es s entia l item s l i ke:
1. Tent

"heWs aeidw. o n ’t need m ucdh ,”

bags
2. Sleeping
stuff
3. Cooking
ds
4. Fishing ro
Da 5. TV
r
6. Compute

But the camping shop had some cool stuff,

and Dad got carried away. He spent a LOT
of money and made me promise not to tell Mom.
“ We could h ave s tay ed i n a nice h otel; it
w ou ld have been c h ea per,” Dad said.
“ Not th e s a m e a s s leepi n g under th e
st a rs a n d wa ki ng up i n th e fresh air!” said
t he ma n in th e s h op a s h e took Dad’s
mon ey.
16
 LO A D S
more
S t u ff

EV EN
M or e f
St uf

More
S t u ff

DAD STuff
Kitchen
STUFF S in k
ILY
FTAME N T

me
O n top of every th i ng Dad b ought, M om
pac k ed a w h ole lot m o re. Th e car was stuffed .
My s is te r, Del ia , wa s n’t h a ppy ab out coming
wit h u s . Sh e’s not a l lowed to stay in th e
h ou s e on h er ow n a ny m o re, b ecause sh e
h ad a WILD pa rty th e la st time M om
an d Dad went away . (I s tay ed next door with
D e re k . His pa rents got w o ken up and weren’t
ha p py e it he r. )
W e s et off, a nd fo r a wh ile th e trip
was goin g wel l . Th en we too k a wrong turn
an d got los t.

LOST RE AL LY
LO ST
H a! H a!

18
M om b lam ed Dad fo r not l istening to h er
p rop e r ly. Dad bla m ed M o m fo r not reading
t he ma p t he right way . Th ey b oth b lamed each
othe r. r rr
Gr

It was on ly w h en th e c a r got a f lat tire

t hat t hey s topped a rg ui n g . Th ey ph oned th e
Ca r R e sc ue Serv i c e, w h o eventually turned up.

It took to fi x th e tire, and

we d id n ’t m a ke it to th e c a mpsite until it
wa s da r k . Del ia wa s n’t h a ppy . ( D elia’s never
ha p py.) S he s a id th e plac e loo k ed
an d p lu s s h e could n ’t g et a s ignal for h er
p hon e . H a! H a ! H a ! I th ought it look ed OK.
So I he lp ed Dad w ith th e tent wh ile M om
un p ac k ed t h e c a r. (Del ia d id noth ing.)

19
T he te nt wa s tri c ky to put up, b ut we d id
t he b e s t we could .

It was a b it late to eat. Dad said, “I’ll cook

a b ig b reak fa s t i n th e m o rn i n g.” B ut my
stomac h k e pt and
I cou ld n ’t g et to s leep. Th en I
re me mb e red th e s ec ret s ta s h of wafers wafe rs

in my bag. So I g rabbed th em and ate

t he m a ll! C rum bs got every w here and it was
very u ncomfo rtable i n my s lee ping bag. E ven
t hough we h ad a “fa m i ly tent” with separate
rooms, D e lia could h ea r m e s hifting around and
fidget in g. It wa s rea l ly a n noying h er.
B R IL L IA NT ! So I d id it some more. B ut
at t he s a m e ti m e, I could a l s o h ear
Mom a n d Dad . . .
20
SNOring

was keeping me awake too. The noise was awful.

— and th at

It s e e med to be g etti n g louder and LO UD ER .

It wa s alm o s t l i ke th un der, de ep and rumb ly .
T he n I real i z ed it s ounded l i ke th under . . .
b e c au s e it wa s th under. W h i c h was getting
clos e r. T he re wa s l ightn i n g too, and
really heavy ra i n th at wa s right
above ou r tent. Th e s to rm wa s
HU GE, an d it d id n ’t ta ke lo ng for
t he te nt to blow away . AGH ! HELP
!

E ve ry o n e h ad to run to th e car for

cove r. T he s to rm la s ted a l l n ight long and
eve ryt hin g we h ad got wet a n d muddy .
Dad had p itc h ed th e tent R IGHT NEXT TO
A S T R EA M! It f looded a n d a l l our stuff got
soa k ed .
Nob ody s lept at a l l . It was miserab le.
21
 CAMPSITE

This WAY

Our tent

R eA
ST

S p ot t h e
p roble m . . .

22
In t he m o rn i n g , Dad tri ed to get h is money
bac k from th e c a m ps ite ow n er ( wh ile we slept
i n t he c a r ) .

He comp la ined a lot, but it did n’t work .

M om colle cted our s ogg y belo n gings, wh ich
we re a ll r ui n ed (i nc l ud i n g th e tent). I could
h ear he r mutteri n g th i n g s l i ke “Proper vacation
next year ” a n d “G reec e” un der h er b reath .

D e l ia wa s c ry i n g (ag a in) b ecause h er

mobile phone had gotten wet and wasn’t working.
T hat c he e red m e up. So I decided to try
an d mak e th e bes t of th e h ol iday and go
ex p lor in g. T h ere were lots of interesting-
look in g t rees to c l i m b. I wa s nearly at th e

TOP of o n e w h en s udden ly a b ranch

S NAP P ED un der my foot.

23
I h
ad
n’t
rea l i z ed h ow h
igh
up

I
wa
s
un
ti
l
I
fel
l d

w
o

n.
...
It was pretty
i m p ressive, really . . . .
P
Delia heard me YEL as I hit the ground.
She came over and just watched me as I rolled
arou n d on th e g round i n pa i n, h old ing my arm.
H a ! It fel t R E A LLY bad b ut D elia did n’t
Ha! loo k too co nc ern ed .
Freak!
E ventually sh e got M om.
24
“
T hat ’s al l I need,” s a id M o m as sh e took me
to t he firs t- a id tent. Th ey g ave me a
lollip op a nd put my a rm i n a bandage ( I
was ve ry b rave) .

I t looked like our camping holiday was going

to be very short. More rain was due, so Mom and
Dad decided that under the circumstances
(no tent or dry clothes) we should go home.

I wa s n’t th at ups et, a n d D elia was

de lighted . So we a l l pac ked up and left th e
Home
ca mp s ite .

O n th e way h o m e we s topped off in

a n ic e re s t a ura nt, w h ere I m anaged to eat a
huge p izza w ith my o ne good arm. My bad arm
was really h urti ng but I did n’t complain
b e c au s e it wa s th e fi rs t ti m e in ages th at
eve ryon e loo ked h a ppy .

25
O u r n e igh bo rs M r. a n d M rs . Fingle and
De re k we re s urpri s ed to s ee us back so
soon . My bad a rm wa s SO painful now th at
I we nt to my roo m to loo k at it.

Wo rry i ng ly , it h ad turned purple

and up lik e a
ba l loo n .

I s howed M o m a nd Dad . Th ey look ed sh ock ed.

D e lia s aid, “You loo k l i ke a FRE AK
” ( wh ich
was k in d of h er). M o m a nd Dad got back in
t he c ar a nd d rove m e to th e h ospital, leaving
D e lia at ho m e.

L u c k i ly . . . my a rm ’s not serious. I h ad
ju s t s p ra ined it, a nd th e ba n dage was put on
too t ight . So th ey red id it a nd put it in a
ve ry cool s l i ng i ns tead .
(I ’l l l i ve, apparently .)

26
It wa s quite late
h ome a n d th ere wa s m us i c
by th e time we got

out from our h ous e.

Fu RIOUS.
M om an d Dad were

D e lia had inv ited lots of h er friend s

over for a party, and BOY was she in trouble.

I fo rgot a l l about my sore arm

b ec a u s e lis ten i n g to Del ia bei ng told off
an d grou n ded by M o m a n d Dad was
p robab ly th e

of my w hole at werneg?
h inki
Wyou th
ent ire holiday .

Y ea h !
You're
grounded!

TH E
E ND
I t s o u n ds like you h ad a ver y
even t ful time, Tom!
E xcel l ent work. I felt like I w as
t her e . . . but glad I was n’t !

M er i t Points

28
WOW!
I ’ ve n eve r h ad
M r. Ful lerm an lik ed my story !
m erits before.
I leave t he pag e open s o can
se e how c lever I a m . B ut s h e doesn’t seem
too inte re s ted . M ay be th i s w i ll h elp:

29
No, s he ’s s ti l l not loo ki n g .
Ma rc u s s ay s h e’s got fi ve m erits as well.
“ Great , ” I s ay .
“ We ’ re lik e tw i n s now ,” s ay s Marcus.
(H e ’s s o an noy i ng . )

I s how Mom a n d Dad my s to ry b ecause I th ink

t hey’ ll b e plea s ed w ith m e (for a ch ange).
30
I n s tead Mo m g i ves m e a note to give to M r.
Fu lle r ma n .

De a r M r.
Fu ll e r m a
n ,
We a re d
e li g h te d T
o m g o t f iv
e m e r it p
A ls o, c a n o in t s .
I ju s t s a y
usual t yp t h a t t h is
e o f va c a is n o t t h e
a c t u a ll y V t io n we h a v
E R Y re s p e . We a re
o n s ib le p
a re n t s .
To m’s a r m
is f in e n o
wo n d e r in w — in c a
g ( a n d in s e y o u we
c a s e h e t r ie re
out of do s to g e t
in g P.E .) .

K in d re g a
rd s ,
M r. a n d M
rs. G a te s

I t hin k Mo m wa s w o rri ed my story made th em

look bad .
31
BREAK t i m e !
I a m c at c h i n g up w ith a few friend s wh o I
h ave n't seen over the holidays. Mark Clump
got a noth er pet (but h e won’t tell me
w hat it is ! ) .
N or m a n Wats o n ’s not allowed
to eat c a ndy o r anything with
sugar in it bec a us e it m a kes him go really
. B ut I c a n s ee h im running around
t he p laygroun d w ith h i s s weater over h is h ead
shout in g, “ I ’m a s pac em a n, I ’m a spaceman.”
W hic h mak es m e th i nk h e’s h ad a few sneaky
swe et s already today .

S olomon S tewa rt (h i s ni c kname’s

is t he t alles t boy i n th e w h ole sch ool. H e h as
even m o re, I th i nk .

32
T he n D e rek co m es over ( h e’s in M rs.
Wor t hin gto n’s c la s s, not m i ne, b ecause we
c hat too m uc h ). I ’ve s een h im load s during
t he s u mme r. (H i s h a i r h a s grown — h e
h a s n ’t .)
I s how h i m my idea s a nd drawings for a
ban d n ame . (H e l i kes DOGZ O MB IE S b est . . .
m e, too.)
W he n M a rc us M eld rew barges into our
c hat. . . .

“ What ’s t hat?”

“ Idea s fo r our ba n d . ”
“ W hat ba n d ?”
“ Me a nd Derek a re i n a band, and we’re
thin k in g of w h at to c a l l ours elves.”
“ T hat ’s ea sy . ”
“ R eally ?” (M a rc us h a s a n idea.)

33
“
Yea h. . . . Jus t c a l l y ours elves
'The Tota l Lo se rs . '
Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! '' s ay s M a rc us . . .

w ho's eve n m o re a nnoy i ng th is y ear th an h e

was la s t yea r (if th at’s po s s ib le).

Mar cus
Ha!
bein g a
Ha!
TWI T
Ha!

T he re 's hom ew o rk a l ready fro m M r. Fullerman.

(It ’s lik e we n ever h ad a h ol iday .)

34
 WORK
HOME
W.
o write a REVIE
I’d like you all t
,
v ie w o f a book
be a r e you
It could fi lm : s o mething
r
ncert, o
play, co
e s e e n or read.
hav
s:
lo t s o f question
rself
Ask you
ert.
fi lm / b o ok/conc
e the
Describ ke or no
t like?
y o u li
What did ut?
h a t w as it abo
W
y
a d in g t hem ver
to re
o o k in g forward
L
much.

rman
Mr. Fulle

(I’ ll s e e w h at’s o n TV to n ight , th en read th e

new s p a p e r rev i ew . Th at’s a lway s a good start.)
35
 n 's
M r. F u ll e r m a
A D OW
S H

S itt in g s o c lo s e to M r. Ful lerman is already

wo
provin g t r i c ky fo r m e.
rk.
Be c au s e I a m bei ng fo rc ed to
It ’s exhausting !
( A my do es n’t s eem th ri l led to b e sitting
next to me . M ay be if s h e s ees me work ing,
she ’ ll t hin k I ’m s m a rt?
I w ill try to i m pres s h er.)

Sh e ’s j u s t c a ught m e s nea ki ng a look at h er

w or k . I p reten d to be d raw i ng, b ut I’ve b een
r u mb led .

36
I k now . . . I ’l l d raw s o m eth i ng funny.
Mr. Fu lle r ma n w ith h a i r . . .

(A my s ti l l not impressed .)

37
Afte r c la s s, I m eet Derek by th e b ik e sh ed .
Ou r b ik e s a re very cool . M i n e ’s covered in
stic k e rs an d dood les . Derek’s is a b it battered
b ut super fa s t. Th ere’s a very odd-look ing b ik e
i n t he s hed th at c atc h es our ey e ( not in a
good way) .
It ’s covered i n and F luff
w it h s illy ey es and weird b its
ha n gin g fro m th e h a nd les .

38
 “
I t loo ks l i ke M a rc us,” D erek laugh s.
“ O r No rm a n Wats o n o n candy !” I say .
“ Bet it belo n g s to a l itt le new k id wh o
doe s n ’t k now a ny better! ” s ay s D erek .
“ W hat ki n d of pers o n w ould h ave a
st u p id-look i ng bi ke l i ke th at?” I laugh .

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

We b oth laugh !

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

But i s NOT laugh ing
Tu T
b ec au s e it ’s h er bi ke. TuT
S c hool ja nito r Sta n i s
sh a k in g his h ead a nd tutti ng in a
di s ap p rov ing way (w h i c h i s m a k ing
h is k eys jan g le) bec a us e I h ave
up s et A my (AGA I N! ). S h e c a l l s me an
an d t ak e s h er bi ke away . I s ay
“ Sor ry, ” b ut A my ig no res m e. (Sh e ignored my
fi ve me r it s, too . )
It’s been a terrib le day .
39
 I'm a
turtle

On th e way h o m e, I s ee posters for my

favor ite ba n d, , a l l over town.
Eve n t his do es n ’t c h eer m e up .
D e re k doe s h i s bes t to m a ke me laugh .
But all I ca n th i n k about i s Amy calling me an
id iot ( ha rs h ) a nd M a rc us c a l l i ng us losers.
“ Look o n th e bright s ide, ” D erek say s.
But w h en I a s k Derek wh at th e b right
side act ua lly i s . . . h e do es n’t k now.
“ It ’s a s ay i n g . ”
Great.
I ’ ll have to th i n k of a way to mak e it up
to A my, w h i c h i s not goi n g to b e easy .

40
 Ba n d practi c e w ith Derek tonight might
not b e s o good bec a us e th ere’s ab solutely
NOTH I NG th at w i l l c h eer m e u p now.

Not a th i ng . . . .
 LLi
Bri ant! Favo r i t e !
MY
y, r ay ! H
H o o ra Hoo r , Hoo o o r ay
ay
!

y, r ay ! H
H o o ra Hoo r , Hoo o o r ay
ay
!

(I've s udden ly c h eered up. )

42
D e re k an d I eat tw o c a ra m el wafers each
an d d r in k s o m e o ra ng e s oda . ( Perfect
p re p a rat ion fo r ba nd practi c e .)

M om tel l s m e to :

Leave o n e fo r Delia!”
“
( As if !)
In s tead, I ta ke th e la s t o ne and sh ow D erek
my favor ite wafer tri c k.
Whic h goe s l i ke th i s :
1. R e move la s t c a ra m el wafer
from wra pper rea l ly c a refully .
2. E at wafer
Yu m Yu m

qu ic k ly befo re Del ia
come s h o m e (h a lf eac h ).
3. C a reful ly re- fold w ra ppe r to
look li ke wafer i s s ti l l i nside. ( empty )
4. Wat c h Del ia open th e em pty
wafe r w ra pper (h a , h a ) .

43
M y t r ic k w o rked a treat.
I c a n hea r Del ia m oa n i n g to M om ab out me
dow n s t airs . So I ta ke th e opp ortunity to
sn eak into h er roo m a nd bo rrow a few copies
of for D erek and me
to look at .

(G ood in s pi rati o n fo r ba n d practice.

T he re a re load s of good pi ctures of bands
ins ide .)

W e t ak e turns
t ryin g out a few

e l i a' s s s e s
D gla
sun
So me of t h em a re m o re
su cc e s sfu l t h a n oth ers .

44
(M u s t n ’t fo rg et to do th i s week ’s h omework —
wr ite a rev i ew . . . . Sh ould be easy .)

45
 Mr. Fu l ler m a n :
I ’m very S ORRY .
You ’ ll n ever g ues s w h at h appened .

I had j u s t fi ni s h ed w riti n g my h omework

rev iew w he n I acc identa l ly s p illed th e
B IGG ES T g la s s of wate r all over it.

I a m ve ry ups et, a s it wa s
a VERY good rev i ew.
(P robab ly wo rth at lea s t AGH!
five me r it poi nts, if not s i x . )

Oh dear, Tom!

What a mess. I w
ill look forward
seeing it redone to
for tomorrow. W
out for those BIG atch
pesky glasses of
water in the futu
re!
(I t hin k I got away w ith th at excuse, will
defin ite ly w rite rev i ew fo r tomorrow.)
47
Art A r t i s now . . . bri l l ia nt , as it’s one of
my favor ite les s o n s .

M r. Ful lerm a n w ould l i ke us all to draw

a s e lf-p or t ra it.

The s e w ill be put up a roun d th e WHOLE

SC HOO L fo r every o n e to see
(a n d la ugh at, probably ).

Mr. Fu l lerm a n h a nd s out small mirrors so

we c an loo k at ours elves w h i le we’re d rawing
(whic h is not ea sy at a l l ).

48
E ve ryon e i s co nc entrati ng a n d quiet for a
ch an ge, ap a rt fro m No rm a n Watson,
w ho k e e p s s h i n i n g h i s m i rro r i n oth er
p e op le ’s fac es, unti l h e’s m oved.

T he n M rs . Wo rth i n gto n ( D erek ’s teach er)

co me s in a nd ta kes over fro m M r. Fullerman,
w ho goe s off to do s o m eth i n g
more imp orta nt (l i ke d ri nk
coffe e a n d read new s pa pers ).

M rs . Wo rth i n gto n s o m etimes tak es

ove r for math . Sh e i s a lway s very enth usiastic
ab out eve ry th i ng . S h e i s bei n g very
ent hu s ia s t ic now .

Hello! Hello!
Lovely Class 5F!

49
 sh e tells us h appi ly .

Be c au s e I l i ke a rt a nd drawing, I’m
w or k in g extra h a rd .

A my’s s elf- po rtra it loo ks a b it odd.

(She doe s n’t rea l ly loo k l i ke th at at all.)

H ers i s s ti l l b etter th an
M a rc us ’s . H e’s d rawn h imself
w ith a rea l ly
(we ll, t hat bit’s true to l ife).
BI G h ead

Mrs . Wor t h i ngto n s ees I ’ve

fin is hed my po rtra it a n d
co me s ove r to ta ke a c lo s er
look .

50
 sh e say s.

sh e adds.

But I ’m not rea l ly l i s ten i ng to h er . . .

b e c au s e I h ave s udden ly noti c ed th at th is
clos e u p , M rs . Wo rth i n gto n h as someth ing on
her top lip th at loo ks a bit l i k e, well,

l i ke a . . .

51
I am t ryi n g rea l ly h a rd not to stare.
( It ’s tri c ky not to . )

( Do n ’t s ta re. . . . Don’t stare. . . .

Look at h er fac e, not h e r mustach e.)

G ood idea .

52
O K, M rs . Wo rth i n gto n,
I ’ ll do my bes t.

He re go es . . . .

53
 MRS. Worthington
AGH!

xt E -
E

rE
ME C L Op S
u

I ’m gett in g th e feel i ng th at M rs. Worth ington

doe s n ’t lik e my po rtra it (o r me) very much
now .
54
 ol
l d Scho
fi e tes
Oak om Ga
T
Re:

te s, s
. Ga o m ha ue
d Mrs hat T s d
M r. a n m y ou t . T his i I do
r for e me.
Dea to in t lunch rew of
tim
r y is
y so r
r o w a h e d
t t h ere
ve r r i t a ait
I’m o n tomo e portra esson th a portr
nti nat e l ng
dete unfortu learn th n drawi
n will e e.
to a o m e b etwe ing rud
T nc be
hope differe nd just
G a
a BI etail . . .
h d
wit

y,
i n c erel
rs s
Yo u
gton
o r thin
. W
Mrs

(Le s s on lea rned . Do n’t let teach ers see my

draw in gs in future. )
55
 W he n I g et h o m e, Dad ALRE ADY k nows
ab out my detenti o n bec a us e M rs. Worth ington
h as p hon ed . A n d m o re bad news — D elia
took the phone call so she knows about it, too.

Great ,
M
l i ke th e letter wasn’t
e nough. rs . Wo rth i n gto n might as well h ave
an nou nc ed my detenti o n w ith a plane

TOM has Detention! o r a h ot- a i r balloon
so eve ryon e i n th e w h ole town
k now s . ( Groa n . )

D ad tel l s M o m , a n d now D erek isn’t

allowed to co m e over fo r ba nd practice
ton ight . AND
ext ra c hore.
s h e’s m a ki ng me do an

“Sweep the kitchen floor or take out the

bins” ( w hich s m el l ). So m e c h oi ce.

56
 D e lia i s LOVI NG th i s . Sh e k eeps say ing

“Po o r litt l e
Diddums” to me in a
really s t u p id baby voi c e, w h i c h is d riving me
c razy . (B ut I c a n ’t let h er see
s h e i s g etting to me, or
she ’ ll k e e p o n s ay i n g it
ALL
lon g, a n d probably to m o rrow and th e
night

next day, too . )

D ad g i ves m e o ne of h is little chats

an d te lls m e if I do n’t w o rk h ard at sch ool,
I ’ ll e n d u p l i ke h i m . Not s uc h a bad th ing if
you a s k me, bec a us e Dad ’s
Chat
got a p retty good job. Chat

57
H e ha s hi s ow n offi c e (wel l , it's a sh ed
in our g a rden ) w h ere h e work s on h is
co mp ute r, des ig ni ng s tuff. O cc asionally h e gets
to w or k in oth er people’s offices.

M om lik e s it w h en th at h a p pens b ecause h e

h a s to d re s s up a n d h e ea rn s more money .

I prefer it wh en Dad
wor k s at h o m e bec a us e h e h a s a SE CRET stash
of c a rame l wafers in th e sh ed
Co ok ies
that I eat (a nd M om doesn’t
k now ab out).

S o th ere I a m s weepi ng th e k itch en

floor w he n G ra nny M av i s pop s over to b orrow
a cook b ook.

58
 coo k b oo k !
Hello, Tom y t o pick up a
! Just popping b

(I c a ll my g ra nny a nd g ra n ddad

b ecause th ey
are b oth old
a nd very ancient.)
“ You n ever us e coo kboo ks !” M om say s in a
su r p r is ed way .
“ I ’m inv iti ng th e w h ole family round for
l unc h, ” Gran ny s ay s .
“ R ea lly ?”
( O h, dea r. . . . Th at’s not really very
good n ew s . Let m e ex pla i n . . . . )
59
 We !
eeeeeeee

B O B

60
 G ra n ny M av i s a nd G ra nddad B ob are
not you r u s ua l ki nd of g ra n d parents.

E s p e c ia l ly w h en it co m es to meals.
They lik e to ex peri m ent a nd eat very odd
co mb in at ion s of food .
UGH!

pear onion soup

ON
tea
cornflakes

(Saves time ap parently.) (M o re on th at later.)

A ls o, G ra nny i s j us t R UB B ISH at
cook in g. So M o m load s h er up with a pile of
cook b ook s i n th e h ope th at s h e might actually
follow a rea l rec i pe.

61
I’ m s t ill s weepi ng a n d try i n g to mak e
G ra n ny fe e l s o rry fo r m e by doing my

“ s ad fac e .” H opeful ly sh e’ll slip me a

bit of extra pock et
mon ey (G ra nny do es th at sometimes).

B M ut o m tel l s G ra n ny why I’m

R udeing!
swe e p in g t h e kitc h en . draw
Oh,
dear. . .

( “ D etenti o n . . . bla h , bla h . . . d rawing . . .

b la h, b lah . . . m us tac h e . . . bla h, b lah .” )

A
shop to b uy
n d now s h e wa nts m e to go to th e
Milk! (w o rk, work , work )
“ So Gran ny c a n h ave a c up of tea.”
L u c k ily G ra nny g i ves m e extra money to

RE SU LT
b uy mys e lf a treat.

62
I n t he s h op, I ’m dec id i n g h ow to spend my
t reat mon ey (s weets ? c a ra m el wafers? ) wh en I
sp ot th i s week’s copy of

A n d on t he cover i s th e bes t band in

t he w hole w o rld, .

I HAV E to buy it! A n d th ere’s even

e nough mon ey left over fo r two fruit ch ews.

Brilliant! 63
 h ere's the
Mom as k s, W k?
mil

(Sudde n ly I rem em ber w hy I went to th e sh op

an d hide my copy of .)

“ T he s hop h ad run out,” I s ay.

( ! Qui c k th i n ki ng . . . must tell D erek

about
. )
Gran ny Mav i s h a s h ot water with a slice of
ca r rot in s tead, w h i c h i s a bit b onk ers even for
her.
O dd

64
I have read the whole interview with .
And I can’t believe they are actually coming to
play a concert IN O U R TOWN .
I go o n th e co m puter to listen to th eir
late s t t rac k s a nd s ee w h ere e lse th ey ’re
p layin g.
T h is is AM AZ ING . D erek is online
an d is j u s t a s exc ited about it as I am.
Dude3 Dude3 Dude3! WHOOOOOO
HOOOOOOO!!
Derek

Can’t wait, DUDE MAN. Will SO be

there!!! To m

ME TOO . . . BRILLIANT!! Can I read

Derek
your mag after? Bring to skool yeh!

Spread the DUDE3 word.

Dad calling, time for burnt food. To m

Pretend it’s fast food . . .

Derek and eat it really fast . . . LOL!

Ha! Ha! Give it to Delia . . . she won’t

see it with her dark glasses. FREAK!
To m

65
Good n ew s about th e co ncert.
new s — me a n d Derek a re too y oung to go on
B
ad

ou r ow n . Dad w i l l probably want to come, too.

W hic h is OK a s lo n g a s I c a n get h im to
PROMISE not to :
1. Sing

2. Da nc e Shame

3. Wea r a ny th i n g em barrassing

W hic h cou ld be tri c ky bec a us e h e lik es to do

all t hos e t h i ng s (s o m eti m es at th e same time).

i t M Yw ay .

I did

66
(G o bac k to read i ng my .)

Rock Weekly
caught up with the
Dudes while they
get ready to go on
tour, playing all
their hit songs:
"Dude3 Rocks!,"
"Rock Out,"
"Fever for the
Dudes." With a
new album out
soon, Dude3 is
unstoppable!

Oakfield - The Huge Arena – Fri 1st

Dessing Way Hall – Mon 4th

Wolfington – Corn Palace – Tue 5th
Colinbury – Pyramid – Fri 8th
Plannington – The Arena – Sat 9th
Bumbleton – The Big Dome – Mon 11th
Borem – The Rice Palace – Tue 12th
Sofferpool – Pool Apollo – Wed 13th
Cuddly – The NIT Arena – Sat 16th

Oa k fi e l d !
Yeah!
H a rd ly s lept at a l l la s t night.

Al l I c a n th i n k about is

com i ng to tow n . FA NTASTIC.

Eve n D e lia s eem s exc ited . (Fo r h er, any way. . . .

It’s hard to tel l . )

SAD HAPPY JO L LY

As lon g as s h e do es n’t s ta n d any wh ere near

m e, I don't m i nd .

68
 T he t ic k et s co s t a L OT of money .
If I ’m going to g et DA D to p ay for th em,
I w ill have to be o n my bes t b eh avior at all
t ime s . T his w i l l be tough but worth it.

Yo u H av e
OK? C a ra m e l you
H ave t h e l, wafe r ?
nt ro li c k e d
r e m ot e c o it ?
Dad .

W h at h a v e
y ou b ro k e n ?
Te a ?

69
I ’ m read i ng my copy of
in t he bat h roo m w h i le Del ia i s BANGING on
t he door outs ide. Th e c ro s s er sh e gets, th e
slowe r I read, a nd brus h i n g my teeth tak es

AGES.
t m a kes m e late fo r sch ool again
(wor t h it , th ough ). So I do n’t b oth er b rush ing
my ha ir an d j us t g rab my c loth es off th e
floor to wea r (th ey ’re c rum pled . . . b ut wh o
he s pil
ca re s ) . l ot
e
c

T he n I s tuff a s m uc h toast in my
mout h as p o s s i ble a nd tak e an apple
to eat on th e way ( wh ich is not
To a s
t

easy on a bi ke).
I ma ke it to M r. Ful lerm an’s class with
s e co nd s to s pa re.

70
 BUSY

M e bei ng busy

71
I ’m fe e lin g pretty plea s ed with my self, so
I t ry anot h er c h eery s m i le at Amy , wh o for
some rea s o n m a kes a “Y O U’R E DISG U STING ”
fac e at me .
milin g
W hy?
e S
M Hi, Amy!

Mr. Fu lle r m a n a nnounc es,

“I hope you’ve all remembered it’s
your Individual School Photo today.”

NO! NO! NO!

( I forgot.)

72
S mug mug M a rc us obv i ous ly d id rememb er. H e’s
look in g all s h i ny neat a nd n ew. Ugh .

Yuk

I ’m look in g s l ightly m o re c rum pled th an usual

due to my rus h ed s ta rt to th e day . Oh , well.
Neve r min d . H ow bad c a n a sch ool ph oto b e?

B u n ny
ears

73
T he w hole c la s s l i n es up i n th e h all. I’m
secon d in l i ne after No rm a n Watson, wh o is all
tw it c hy an d jum py . ( I really h ope
Nor ma n h a s n't
eaten a ny s we ets.)

The p hotog ra ph er a s ks No rm an to
“stop jiggling around.”

(Oh, dea r. . . . H e’s defi n itely had some.)

Eve nt ually (after LOA DS m o re goes) Norman

sit s s t ill j u s t lo n g enough fo r one ph oto to b e
t ak e n .

74
T he p hotog ra ph er w h i s pers,

“This is going to be a very long day.”

T he n it ’s my turn .

Flore nc e M itc h el l (anoth er super-

sm a r t gir l) a nd A my a re watch ing me along
wit h t he res t of th e c la s s .
IDEA

I have an idea. I will try and

look a ll a nd , a b it lik e th e
p hotos of in .

B R illiant!

75
B ut t he p h otog ra ph er i s not impressed and
te lls me to “CHEER UP!”
So I t ry a n d s m i le (a bit) . . . th en h e say s
R E A L LY LO UD LY :
“Oh, dear. You’ve got something NASTY
stuck between your teeth.”
( SH AM E !)

H e wa lk s over a nd h a nd s m e a mirror. ( Could

t his b e any m o re em ba rra s s i n g ? )

“Better do something with your messy hair,

too — here’s a comb.”

Now EVERYONE is look ing at me.

(It j u s t got a lot m o re em barrassing.)

76
 e
Sham
 ToaST.

I
.
Ple
AP

have toa s t c rum bs a roun d my mouth and

b it s of a p p le s ki n s tuc k betwe en my teeth .
(Why d id n ’t A my tel l m e?) A n d now I’ve gone
b r ight red, too .
So m uc h fo r a cool sc h ool ph oto. It’s
goin g to b e h ideous .

T he ph otog ra ph er ta kes my picture and I

can ’t get out of th e h a l l fa s t enough . I h ave
h u miliated my s elf i n fro nt of th e

ENTIRE c la s s .

78
N ow I w i l l be fo rc ed to h ide th is sch ool

M
p hoto from every o ne fo r th e rest of my life,
e s p e c ially o m . S h e l i kes to send my sch ool
p hotos to a l l relati ves ac ro s s th e

WH O L E WIDE WOR LD .

To M' S
S c h ool
P hoto

T he re a re s eco n d cous i ns i n Outer M ongolia

w ho have my sc h ool ph oto s o n th eir walls.

To tes
Vera Ga
re e n Lane
5G
M o ngolia
Outer d
The Worl sed)
to enclo
m GATES's pho
(To

79
I’ m look i ng fo r D erek o n th e play ground
an d I c an ’t fi n d h i m a ny w h ere. H is b ik e is in
t he s hed, s o I know h e’s h ere. I wonder if h is
sc hool p hoto wa s a s bad a s m ine? ( Impossib le.)

I a s k Solo m o n “Sol id ” Stewart ( th e

boy in th e wh ole

sc hool) if h e c a n s ee Derek.
V ERY TA L L

80
Solid p oint s to a boy o n th e climb ing frame.
He look s a bit l i ke Derek, but it can’t b e h im
b e c au s e his top butto n i s do n e up AND h e’s
got a hor r i ble, neat s ide pa rt .
SIDE
P AR T

“ Mom made m e,” Derek s ay s . “For th e sch ool

p hoto.” ( S h a m e. )

T he n D e re k h a n g s ups ide dow n on th e climb ing

fra me an d h i s h a i r go es bac k
to nor mal. W h i c h i s j us t a s
we ll, b e c a u s e no o n e i n

s h ould
eve r have a n eat s ide pa rt
l i k e t hat .

81
More importantly, Derek and I chat about . . .

1. How
eve r.
i s th e band

2. H ow we really n eed to go and see

t he m .

3. How need to
p racti c e m o re to beco m e th e best
ban d ever .

4 Cookies -
. wh ich are
b etter, c h ocolate o r c aramel wafers?

5 . A n d w h i c h to eat at band practice.

o c o l at e or c a ra m e l ?
Ch

W ho c a res about s tupid sch ool ph otos?

82
 r
a fe le s
W od
Do
M ATH

MF r. u lle rm a n h a nd s out our math

w or k s he et s .
O n t he outs ide I ’m fo rc i ng my self to look
fa sc in ated a n d i nteres ted i n M r. Fullerman's
su ms — w h en rea l ly on th e inside I
am s t ill re l i v i n g th e h um i l iati on th at was my
school p hoto , over a nd over and over again.

HI DEOUS
S chool
Photo

I w is h it wa s th e end of sch ool right now.

So to c he er my s elf up, I d raw a few more
ba n d logos a nd idea s .

84
I ’m c a refu l to do s o m e s um s a s well so it
look s lik e I’m “w o rki ng out” my bie
og om
an s we rs . A d a z
s
t'

a
one?

th
i c h
Wh

I am a
Genius!
M a rc u s i s s tra i n i n g h i s h ead and try ing to
look ove r my s h oulder s o h e can see
w hat I ’m doi ng .

GET LOST,
MARCUS . . .

Idiot
Ma rc u s M a rc us

Mr. Fu lle r m a n i s loo ki ng at m e now. So I put

my ar m r ight over my d raw i ngs and do a few
more s u ms .
86
 bie
Zom rcus
ma
art
Sm nt!
ov eme
I mpr

Ma rc u s is bac k in h is ch air
now to s e e over my a rm . I think h e can see
my dood le s, s o I turn my bac k on h im. And h e
lea n s . Th en I back ,
an d he p ut s h i s h ead o n th e t ab le as if h e’s
t ryin g to s ee un der my a rm . H a!

“MARCUS . . . stop trying to look at Tom’s

work and concentrate on your own!”

Ye s, Ma rc u s, No c h eati n g . Serves h im right!

87
T he n w hile th e attenti o n i s on M arcus, I
tak e t he c h a nc e to h ave a s neaky glance at
A my ’s pa per a nd m em oriz e a few
ans we rs . ( A t lea s t th i s way I will definitely
g et s ome r ight. )

The n I c a rry o n w ith my d rawings. ( I’ll

sh ow t he m to Derek later. ) Th is math
le s s on is t u rni ng out to be qu ite good after
al l.
R esult !

M KPOP
likes to
R. EE N i s h ead of Oa k field Sch ool. H e
into classes to see what we’re
up to.

88
T oday he dec ides to s ay h el lo to Class 5F
(us ) . L u c k ily I h ave s o m e i m pressive-look ing
mat h in fro nt of m e. (Th a n ks mostly to Amy .)

“ H e llo, C lass 5F. ”

“ H el lo , Mr. Ke e n.”

Mr. Ke e n t h en la unc h es i nto t h e usual ty pe of

head ma s te r “c h at. ”

W hile he do es th at, h ere a re a few interesting

facts about MK r. een.

over

89
1. H e h a s a very R ED fac e th at gets
redder w h en h e g ets c ross.

2. M r. Keen g ets c ro s s quite easily .

H e re ’s a R E D-O-M E T E R th at
s how s c lea rly th e d ifferent stages of
red n e s s M r. Keen's fac e go es th rough .

Angry Very
Angry
CROSS RAGiNG

R E D-O-M E T E R
3. M

r. Keen ’s ey ebrow s look lik e two
Caterpillars c rawling
ac ro s s h i s fac e.

90
Mr. Ke e n is s ti l l c h atti ng w h en my stomach
st ar t s to m a ke rea l ly LOUD grumb ly h ungry
nois e s ( it ’s n ea rly l unc hti m e) . I’m h oping h e
might t a k e th e h i nt a n d s top talk ing. B ut h e
ca r r ie s on .

W h en my s to m ac h g rowls again I
p rete n d it ’s not m e by s ta ri ng at M arcus.
Marcus!
?

Rumble

T he b e l l go es off fo r l unch b ut M r. Keen

st ill k e e p s ra m bl i n g o n a nd o n .

“I’ l l l e t y o u a ll g o to l unch now, ”

he s ays .
(A BO UT TI M E .)
91
T he re ’s a tri c k to rus h i ng down to th e
cafete r ia w ith out loo ki n g l i ke y ou’re
a ny o ne out of th e way .
Ve ry fa s t wa l ki n g do es th e trick .
Fast walking

I grab my l unc h bo x a nd try not to tak e in

the s me ll of th e

( Un ide ntifi ed Food Obj ects )

th at a re b eing served .

On Mon day s, Tues day s, a n d Wed nesday s I

b r in g my lu nc h . O n Th urs day s and Friday s I
have sc hool food .
92
T his is b ec a us e o n Th urs day s
ha s sc hool l unc h a nd o n Friday s it’s
FRI E S.

D e rek i s a l ready s itti n g at th e tab le

eat in g. So I s it n ext to h i m , and th en Norman
Wat s on s it s next to m e. W h en I open my
l u nc h b ox t h ere’s a note i n s ide from my
G ra n ny Mav i s .
y!
njo
E ve y
Lo a n n x
Gr x

93
(Oh, NO! I fo rgot. G ranny lik es
to he lp out a nd m a ke my pac k ed lunch wh en
she v is it s . A nd I wa s n ’t
La!
t he re to s top h er. )
La!
La!

I’ m rea lly h opi ng th at s h e h asn’t actually

t r ied to coo k a ny thi n g odd for me.

Look in g i n my l unc h box, I can see

somet hin g th at loo ks a bit l i k e a piz za.
It is a p izza .
(So fa r s o good . )

Made in t h e s h a pe of a fac e.
I t hin k ?

It's my face . . . g roa n.

94
On t he p iz za th ere’s

c he e s e (O K),
tomato es (O K),
olive s ( U GH ) .
A n d s omet h i n g el s e th at I personally don’t
thin k s hou ld
EVER in a

million yea rs be s een o n a pi z za . . . ever . . .

La!
La!
La!

( W h at wa s G ra nny th ink ing? )

95
 A BANANA!
T he re ’s a ba na n a o n my pi z za.
I t ak e it off rea l ly qui ck ly b efore any one
se e s t hat I h ave a ba na n a o n my piz za and
t hin k s I ’m wei rd .
Too late. . . .
A my a n d F lo renc e wa l k p ast me and b oth
p u ll a “ t hat’s d i s g us ti ng ” fac e at me and sit
at a not he r table.
T he n No rm a n Wats o n n udges me and say s,
96
 “ Is t h at a ba n a na o n y our piz za? ”
“ Mayb e . . .” I s ay .

“YU M !
don ’t want it. ”
I ’l l h ave it if y ou

So I let No rm a n eat my banana and

don't as k a ny ques ti o n s .
D e re k w h i s pers,
“ T hat ’s gro s s ” to m e. B ut Norman seems
ha p py e nough , s o I keep qui et . I eat th e rest
of t he p izza a ny way . (It ta s tes a b it
ba n a n a-is h i n plac es . )

Gran ny Mav i s h a s a few m o re unusual surprises

fo r me lu r k i ng i n my l unc h bo x:

Cuc u mb e r j ui c e i n a c a n .

L ave n de r a nd potato bi sc uits .

A n d a le mon . (W hy ?)
97
D e re k ha s s o m e m o re no rm al food for lunch ,
w hic h he s h a res w ith m e. (Th at’s why h e’s my
b e s t mate .) B es t
m at e

We ’ re j u s t about to go out to b reak wh en

Mrs . Mu mb le (th at’s h er rea l name) mak es an
an nou nc e me nt over th e loud s p eak er. No one
ca n eve r u n ders ta n d w h at M rs. M umb le say s,
so you have to l i s ten c a reful ly .

98
I t hin k s he s a id To m G ates to see M rs.
Wor t hin gto n? . . . S h e d id .
I forgot ab out my detenti o n .

Groan .
I have to h el p M rs . Wo rth i ngton put up all
the p or t raits we d id .
(Not t he one I d id of h er, obviously .)

Whe n s he ’s not loo ki ng , I add a few extra

det a ils to M a rc us ’s po rtra it. . . .

Whic h I t hi nk a re a g reat i m provement.

99
 CLASS 5F SELF-PORTRAITS

Ross White Paul Jolly

Solomon Stewart

Julia Morton Norman Watson

Pansy Bennet

Mark Clump Amber Tulley Green

 Brad Galloway
Amy Porter Trevor Peters

Leroy Lewis Tom Gates Florence Mitchell

I a m a n I DI OT

Indrani Hindle Marcus Meldrew

Oh, no. M r.
b e e n look in g i n my noteboo k.
Fu l le r man’s

To m,
I’m sure DOGZOMBIES is a fantastic band.
But you need to concentrate on your MATH
in the future. (By th e way , I l i ke
t hi s l o go be st.)

DOG

ZOMB
ieS
man
Mr. Fuller
I ma k e a h ug e effo rt to pay attention in
les s on s, as I c a n ’t affo rd to get into any
more t rou b le. Es pec ia l ly if I want Dad to b uy
t i c kets . . . .
102
E ve n t hough I know th at M om and
w ill now u s e th i s at every opportunity to mak e
D ad

me do s t uff th at I rea l ly do n ’t want to do,

like:

“
E
at you r veg etables . . . if you want
ti c kets . ”
th ose

“ C lea n u p y our roo m . . . if y ou want th ose

t i c kets . ”

“ Let you r s i s ter i n th e bath room first . . .

if you want th o s e tick ets.”

I c a n hea r th em now . Blah, !

B la h Bla h,
Bla h!

Th i s i s not goi ng to b e easy .

103
I ’
m t rying to be extra good in M r.
Fu lle r ma n ’s les s o n.
I eve n vol unteer to h a nd out th e sch ool
fie ld t r ip fo rm s .

M a rc u s tri es to g rab h i s fo rm from me

st ra ight away .

I M say
“
a nners
”
to h i m , th en leave h im
unt il la s t . M a ki ng h i m reac h for h is form a
few t ime s i s fun . U nti l M r. Fullerman gives me
on e of his g la res .
AR E
h er S T
c
ea
T

T he t r ip actua l ly loo ks l i ke it could b e quite

good.
104
 to
Museum
c la s s tr ip to the m u m mies.
Year 5 g y p ti a n s and
eE
look at th
nt/Careg
iver: e to take
Dear Pare n s a n d would lik
ti a
the Egyp ct.
w il l b e studying p a rt o f the proje
te rm w e u m a s
This e Muse packed
sses to th ill need a
all the cla e ch il d re n w
t helpers
h o le d ay and th e w il l n e ed paren
w w
be for the bus and
This will il l b e tr a veling by .
ew available
lunch. W anyone is ission
on th e d a y if
s y o u r c hild perm
hich give
e fo rm below, w
ll in th
Please fi
tt e n d the trip.
to a
nks,
Many tha
rman
Mr. Fulle P. ------------
--
rn to s c hool ASA ------------------------
nd retu --------
Tear off a ------------------------ _
------------
-- -- _______
la s s _ _ _ _______
______ C
N a m e______ m
Ch il d 's e Museu
y c h il d to go to th
m
ission for
I give perm
_______
YES/NO _ _ _ _ _ _ _______
_
___ Print_
_ _ _ _ _ _______ _______
_
Signed_ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _______ _ _ _ ___
a n y a ll e rgies? _ _ _ _ _ _ _____
ve ___ __
r child ha _______ _______
Does you re they?________ o , w h a t? _______ _ _ _
ta ? If s _____
If so, wha ing any medicines ______________
y ta k __ _ _ _
Are the _______ _____
_ _ _ _ _______ _ _ _ _ _ _______
_ _ _ ____ _ _ ______
th e trip?____ _ _ _ _ _______
ble to he
lp o n ____ _ _ ______
Are you a _ _ _ _ _ _ _______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _______
_ _
ame____ _______
Contact n e r_ _ _ _ _ _______
umb
Contact n
( All done.)
T oday M r. F ul lerm a n a s ks us to read out
to t he c las s our “W h at we d id on summer
holiday” s to ri es . I feel h a ppy ab out th is
because I got

m erits for mine.

It w ill b e a good oppo rtun ity to impress Amy ,

hop efu lly.

N or m a n Wats o n read s his first.

H e we nt to D I S N EYL AND .
He ’s S O lu cky ! (B ut h e d id n ’t get five merits
l i k e me . H a ! )

Ma rc u s Me ld rew got s ent away to summer

ca mp for nea rly th e W H O LE H OLID AY.
I t hin k he a nnoy s h i s pa rents as
mu c h a s he a n noy s m e. (I ’d s e nd
hi m away fo r th e w h ole y ea r if I could.)
106
J u lia Mor to n’s “I foun d a n interesting sh ell”
story is not i nteres ti ng at a l l.

T his le s s on i s s ta rti n g to g et a b it d ull

w he n Mar k C l um p s ta nd s up and read s “MY
NEW P ET S N AKE , ” w h ich gets my
atte nt ion .

He te lls u s about th e m i c e h e k eeps in th e

fre eze r to feed th e s n a ke.

A n d how he bought th e s n a ke, wh ere it lives,

w hat t he s n a ke i s c a l led (S n a k ey . . . not very
origin al) . It’s a rea l ly good
story.

A n d t he B EST pa rt about t h e wh ole story

is w he n he reac h es i ns ide h i s desk and b rings
out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

107
HIS PET

s S n a k ey !
Here'

ey!
Snak
It’s awes o m e. B ut M r. Fullerman doesn’t
t hin k s o. N eith er do es h a lf th e class, wh o run
out .

M r. Fu llerm a n m a kes M a rk put

h is s n ak e away . Th e sc h ool office rings
h is mom, w h o co m es to pi c k t h em b oth up.
Whic h is a s h a m e, bec a us e I really lik e snak es
an d I d id n ’t g et to s ee it properly .
A t t he end of sc h ool we get a note to
ta k e home .

t/Caregiver,
Dear Paren parents tha
t NO
il d re n a n d
all ch
we remind into school.
Please can b e b ro u g h t
y kind can
PETS of an m . Especially
pets
c la s s ro o
for the (like snake
s).
ts a re fo r home, not h tl y s c a ry
Pe slig
considered
that can be
,
Thank you

Mr. Keen
r
Headmaste
S p eak in g of pets, Derek i s g etting a new pet
D OG. I c a n’t wa it! Del ia i s allergic to dogs,
so I ’m not a l lowed to g et o ne. B ut D erek can
b r in g his dog over all th e time b ecause:

1. I rea l ly l i ke dog s .

2. D el ia w i l l be fo rc ed to stay in
he r roo m o r s h e’l l h ave to go out.
Eit he r way s h e w o n’t be around to
a n noy m e.

Perfect!

110
 Derek's Dog

D erek s e n d s me a p h oto of h is dog .

111
T his we e k en d th e w h ole fa m ily is h aving
l u nc h at t h e old h ouse.

M om is s tres s ed about w h at we’ll b e eating,

e s p e c ia lly s i nc e I m enti o ned my banana piz za.

D ad is s tres s ed bec a us e h i s b roth er ( my

unc le Kev in) a n d h i s fa m i ly w i ll b e th ere. U ncle
Kev in s e e m s to know a lot of th ings. Dad say s
it ’s b e c a u s e h e’s a “know - it- all.”

A u nt ie A l i c e a lway s la ugh s at U ncle Kevin’s

jo k e s, eve n w h en th ey ’re not funny ( wh ich is
mos t of t h e ti m e).

her Frank!
y brot
Wh

M
do air?
no h
at

yo
uc w ith
all a man

Ha, Ha! Ha!

112
De lia is in a bad m ood bec a u se sh e doesn’t
wa nt to go . I s ay , “Del ia's got a b oy friend,
D e lia's got a boy fri en d,” w h i c h puts h er in an
eve n worse m ood .

M om a n d Dad s ay s h e H AS to come.

Somet hin g tel l s m e th i s l unc h isn’t going to b e

m u c h fu n .

113
Lucki ly th e Fo s s i l s are in a V ERY
good mood a n d h a ppy to s ee every one, wh ich
help s a lot.

Yo! k id s !
Hello!

M y t w in cous i n s a re a l ready th ere ( and

eat in g . . . th ey eat load s ) . Th ey are even taller
tha n Solid . I s ay “ Hi” to th e m. Th ey don’t
t a lk mu c h; th ey j us t wave at me.

114
M om as ks w h at we’re eati n g for lunch
today. We a l l l i s ten nervous ly .

Gra n ny an nounc es we’re h av i n g:

I n s id e

C hic k e n s tuffed w ith c h ee se.

R oas ted egg s ?

Pea s on a s ti c k.

I really hop e it ta s tes better th an it sounds.

115
W e ’ re a ll s itti n g at th e tab le wh en U ncle
Kev in as k s Dad if h e’s gotten balder, wh ich
mak e s A u nt i e A l i c e la ugh .

Ha, Ha!

D ad doe s n ’t loo k too h a ppy.

Gran ny s teps i n a n d a s ks,

“ Is eve ryt h i n g OK? ”

We a ll s ay,
“
Ye s! ”

“ D e lic iou s ! ” “M m m m m ! ”

A n d n ic e t h i n g s l i ke th at. B ut I notice no one

is eat in g very m uc h a pa rt from th e cousins.
A n d D e lia i s s ec retly texti n g under th e tab le.

116
Unc le Kevin s ta rts ta l ki ng about th eir

“
A mazing th ree-week h oliday in
G re ece.”

So I te ll every o ne about our terrib le two-day

ca mp in g hol iday a nd h ow it ra ined
an d t he te nt wa s wa s h ed away
STUPI
b e c au s e Dad D LY put th e tent
up by t he s trea m . A n d th en h ow I fell out of
t he t re e . . . .
A u nt ie A lic e a n d U nc le Kev i n seem to b e
e njoyin g t he s to ry .
Ha,
Ha, Ha!
Ha!

M om an d D ad a re G L AR ING at me in
a “ BE Q U I ET” ki nd of way .

G ra n ddad c h a n g es th e s ubject and ask s me

about my ba nd .
117
St
an d
o I te ll h i m about
he n I tel l every o n e th at is
,

co min g to play i n our tow n !

“
D ad is SO bri l l ia nt, h e’s promised to b uy
t ic k et s for us to s ee th em ,” I say .
(Dad look s s urpri s ed but do esn’t say no.)
BES
T
I ’m a ge n i us . DAD

T
of
u r n s out th at th e cous i n s are H U G E fans
, too . It’s th e most excited I’ve
see n t he m s i nc e th ey w o n a ch ocolate fountain
at t he ir sc h ool fa i r.

118
 or
aY !
YEAH!
Ho

U nc le Kev i n s ugg es ts we a l l go togeth er on a

“ b ig family night out. ” I do n’t mind wh o I go
w it h as lon g a s it’s not jus t D elia. So I say
“ Great ! ” B ut Dad do es n’t look pleased at
all w it h t he idea . Es pec ia l ly wh en U ncle Kevin
st a r t s goin g o n about Dad 's “ terrib le taste in
mu s ic w he n we were g row i ng up.”

119
D ad is j us t about to s ay s ometh ing to
Unc le Kevin w h en G ra n ny bursts into th e room
w it h . . .

“PUDDING! ”
Sh e ha s to ex pla i n w h at it i s, b ecause no one
ca n te ll.
It ’s a MA SSI V E pi le of bright pink
p a nc a k e s th at ta s te O K but
look lik e ho rrid raw bits
of live r.

120
O n t he way h o m e, we s top off for fish and
ch ip s bec a us e every o ne is still
hun gry.
M om a nd D ad do n’t s eem h appy .
D elia is miserable (no change there then).

B ut I am V ERY h a ppy bec a us e:

1.
now .
I ’m defi nitely goi ng to see

2. G ra n ny g ave m e s o m e candy
a nd s o m e m o ney o n th e way out.

R esult ! C a n’t wait to tell D erek .

(All I have to do now i s a s k Amy to th e

concert.)

121
T oday I wa s o n ly a ti ny bit late for sch ool.
H id in g D e lia ’s s un g la s s es too k slightly longer
than u s ual. Sl i ppi ng th em i nto an open bag of
sa lad wa s i ns pi red, I th ought.
De lia w ou ld NE V ER h ave
fou n d t he m if M o m h ad n ’t
b ee n ma k in g s a n dw i c h es .

I got out of th e h ous e b efore D elia or

M om got t h e c h a nc e to tel l m e off.

Ju s t c re p t i nto c la s s i n ti m e for attendance.

Mr. Fullerman looks up from the attendance list

a n d a s ks m e why I’m late.
CE
DAN

AT T EN
LI S T
I do w h at a ny one would do in
my po s iti o n: blame my older
sis te r for loc ki ng m e i n th e bath room.

122
Mr. Fu lle r ma n m a kes a note of my excuse on
t he atte n da nc e l i s t, th en m oves on.

PHEW!
i s n’t th e slightest b it
inte re s ted i n my exc us es bec a use sh e is too
b u sy me mori z i n g h er

( O h ! No ! not th e s pelling test. )

T his is not a good s ta rt to th e day . I’m
p a n ic k in g a nd w o n deri ng h ow I’m going to get
t hrough t hi s w h en s o m eth i ng b rilliant h appens.
I look ove r at M r. Ful lerm a n's desk and I
think I c a n s ee a l l th e a ns wers to th is week 's
spe llin g te s t. Th e pa per i s turned over, b ut I
ca n mak e out w h at th e w o rd s are back ward s.
An d copy th em dow n qui c kly b efore any one
not ic e s . Lik e th is.
123
 (Th i s tes t w i l l be easy -peasy now!)

sana
naB
saer
s ar e A
maC
soi
salle daR
(W h at I can see.)
rbm
U
onai
P
oloS
atse
B ananas (What
i
cits F
A r eas I write
alP e r a s
C a m down.)
R a d i o s
las
Umbrel
Piano
Solo
Fi e s t a
Plastic

M r. Fu lle rm a n beg i n s th e te st. I’m

p rete n d in g to th i n k c a reful ly and write

BIG
t he m dow n. A n d s tra ightaway I realiz e th ere’s
a ve ry problem .

124
T he s e s p e lli ng w o rd s a re not th e same as M r.
Fu lle r ma n's . W h i c h m a kes m e t h ink I’ve written
dow n n ext week’s tes t i ns tead.
I ’m pa ni ck ing,
my m i n d 's go ne b lank , and
I ’ve m i s s ed the first
THREE s pel l i ng s already .
FOU R s p e llin g s . . . F I V E s pel l i ngs . . . SIX-SE V E N-
EIGHT . . . th e w h ole tes t. I keep pretending
to w r ite, s o M r. Ful lerm a n do e sn’t suspect
anyt hin g, a nd h ope fo r th e best. If Mr.
Fu lle r ma n s pots th at I a l ready h ave next
we e k ’s te s t , h e m ight s m el l a rat!

cheat

T he te s t is over a n d we h ave to swap papers

w it h t he p ers o n next to us s o th ey can mark
t he m. Marc us h a nd s m e h i s pa per.
O h, dea r. I’m i n trouble now .
I h ave to th i n k quick ly . . . .
125
AG H!
n.

pe
g
in k in
k a
e r h a s struc of a le
Di s a s t ape
the sh
M r. Fu lle rm a n m a kes m e c lean up my ink
“ acc ide nt .” W hoops !

I get to c h ec k M a rc us ’s tes t.
He t hin k s h e’s do n e very wel l and is look ing
ext ra s mug .
Marcus Me
ld r e w

1 . p ot ao e
2 . V o lc a n o
3 . Ta t t w o
4. Kangero
ow
5. Hero
6 . I g lo o w
7. Echo
8. Mangoe
3
8
O

n ly 3 /8 fo r M a rc us .
Not s o s m ug now.

127
A my got 8 / 8 (s h e’s s o s m a rt).

I s ay “ WOW ! Wel l do n e, A my .” ( It’s

win d in g Ma rc us up. ) “You’re SO good at
spe llin g, a ren ’t y ou?”
The n A my s ay s, “Th a n ks . . . but I can’t d raw
l ik e you c a n . ” (S h e actua l ly s a id someth ing
nic e to me! )

So w hile t h e c la s s i s c h ec ki ng th e spelling, I
sh ow A my my lates t D OGZOMBIE
draw in gs a nd a s k h er to pi c k th e b est one.
(She c hoos e s th e s a m e o ne a s M r. Fullerman.)

128
This is t he lo ng es t co nvers ation I h ave ever
h ad w it h Amy . I tel l h er about
and how t h ey ’re play i ng i n our town.

A n d it t urn s out th at A my RE ALLY lik es

t he m, too, w h i c h i s
BRILLIANT!
I ’m t ryin g to th i nk about th e b est way to
inv ite A my to s ee wh en sh e say s sh e
l i k e s s in gin g .
I s ay, “ I like s i ng i ng , too . ” Th en sh e say s,
“ R ea lly? ” A n d I s ay ,

“Yes, I c a n ’t g et enough of singing.”

So s he s ugg es ts I joi n th e sc h ool ch oir ( lik e
h e r ) an d I h ea r my s elf s ay ,
“ That ’s a g reat idea , I ’d love to join
t he c hoir.”

(WHY? WHY? WHY did I say

t hat ? )

129
Whic h is exactly w h at Derek say s wh en I tell
hi m,
“
I ’m joi ni ng th e c h oi r. It will b e good
fo r my s in g i n g a nd th e ba nd . ”

“ You t hin k s o ?” (Derek is not convinced .)

Derek

(No, I don ’t th i n k s o . B ut I ’m h oping Amy

w ill come a n d s ee and I can’t tell
D e re k t hat. )

I p as s a c h oi r practi c e po s ter on th e sch ool

not ic e b oa rd . A nd I c a n’t bel ieve reh earsals
are at LU N C HT IM E ! I don’t even get
to mis s a b o ri ng les s o n o r two.
I’ll go maybe once or twice to keep Amy happy,
t he n d rop out later o n .

Good p la n .

130
HEAD LICE ALERT!
KEEP CHECKING YOUR HAIR!
REGULAR COMBING
DON'T SHARE BRUSHES
SMILE!
IT'S SCHOOL PHOTO
TIME AGAIN THIS
MONDAY MORNING.
DON'T FORGET!

SINGING
IS FUN!
Come and join the
CHOIR with Mrs. Nap.
Groan.
Practice on Wednesdays
at lunchtime in the
school hall.
EVERYONE WELCOME.
School Assembly
I t ’s a “ s p e c ia l a s s em bly ” today .

I c an ’t b el i eve th at MARCUS is

5
gett in g a n awa rd fo r h i s vac ation h omework !
T his s e e ms very unfa i r a s I got merits
as we ll.

MK r. e e n, our h ead m aster, gives out

t he p r ize s i n fro nt of th e w h ole sch ool.

It w ill b e s i c k - m a ki n g to watch M arcus

b e in g u lt ra s m ug . To m a ke it worse, M r.
Fu lle r man a s ks M a rc us to ta ke th e attendance
l i s t to t he sc h ool offi c e. M a rcus th ink s h e’s
somet hin g s pec ia l .

(While he ’s out of th e c la s s, I decide to add

my ow n com m ents to h i s w o rk .)

132
MK r. een i s s ta nd i n g i n front of th e
w hole sc hool .
He is te lling us th e us ua l s o rt of th ings th at
head ma s te rs l i ke to s ay .
“Lots of hard work . . .” ”Looking forward
to . . .” B la h , B la h , B lah .

I ’m s itt in g beh i n d Solid,

so I c a n ’t s ee m uc h of w h at’s
goin g on .

133
M N rs . a p lead s th e sc h ool in a rendition of

“Mo r n i n g Has Brok e n. ”

Sh e is anot h er o ne of th o s e very enth usiastic
teac he rs w h o a lot from side to
side w hile s i ng i ng at th e top of h er voice.

Morning has
BROKEN!
P Ban sy en n et (don’t mess with
Pa n sy, s he ’s tough ) a n d of cou rse M arcus are
b ot h gett in g awa rd s .

B rad G alloway (w h o h a s cool h air )

i s n ext to m e. I tel l h i m to keep h is ey es
pe e led on M a rc us .

“ S s s s hhhhhhh. ”
Mr. Fu lle r ma n i s g i v i ng m e th e b eady ey e now.

M K BEADY eYes
r. een say s,

“Today we have some very important

prizes to give out. Will Treasure
Alexander and Grace Cole come up and
get their certificates for good work on
their shared nature project.”

135
We a ll c la p w h i le th e g i rl s s how every one
t he ir imp re s s i ve proj ect.

F r o g L i fe

“Will Pansy Bennet and Marcus Meldrew

come up with their excellent ‘My
Summer Vacation’ homework?”

Pa n sy hold s h er boo k up. It h as some nice-

look in g w r iti n g a nd d raw i ng s in it. E very one
clap s . T he n s h e ta kes h er c er tificate.
Next Marc us h old s h i s w o rk up to sh ow th e
school. H e ’s pa rad i n g it a roun d so th e wh ole
school c an s ee w h at’s w ritten in h is b ook .
136
E ve ryon e burs ts out la ugh i ng. And th ey k eep
la ughin g.

H! ! H!a
a
H!
H
a
Ha! Ha!
a
a! H a! H !
H !
H Ha! Ha!
a

Ha Ha!
a
! Ha!
Ha!
!
Ha

Ha!
(I enjoy th e m o m ent.)

M a rc u s t a kes a c ertifi c ate a nd sits back

dow n qu ic kly . H e’s s ti l l w o nde ring why
eve ryon e wa s la ugh i n g at h i m .
137
I w is h a l l a s s em bl i es were th is much fun,
b e c au s e for a s h o rt ti m e, I forget all ab out
p romis in g to joi n th e c h oi r. It’s only wh en
as s e mb ly's over a nd I wa l k pa st th at poster
again that it all comes flooding back to me. . . .

G roa n .
c ro ss

M r. Fu llerm a n i s not i n a good mood now

e it he r. ( He s us pects I h ad s o meth ing to do
w it h “ add in g ” to M a rc us ’s w ork .)

He re min d s m e about my rev i ew and tells us

about t he sc h ool co nc ert. (Th e ch oir will b e
sin gin g, a p p a rently . )

A n d if t hat’s not enough , h e gives us a sign-up

fo r m for pa rents ' even i n g .

How a m I s uppo s ed to fit i n band practice

now ?
138
I manage to get through the rest of the lesson
by concentrating Very hard on two things.
1. W hat I ' m goi ng to eat fo r lunch .

2. T
 he s ma l l blac k f ly try i ng
Blah, Blah,
to la n d o n M r. Ful lerm a n's Blah . . .

rou n d head .

It t a k e s a w h i le, but th e f ly gets th ere

in t he e n d . A nd M r. Ful lerm a n say s,

"Glad to see you're paying such

close attention to me, Tom."

W hic h ma k e s m e la ugh . Th en Amy mentions

“ c hoir p ract i c e at l unc hti m e. ”

“ Great , ” I s ay . “C a n't wa it. ”

(G roa n .)

139
Mrs . N a p wel co m es th e new faces ( me)
to t he c hoi r. I never knew Solid was in
the choir (he kept that quiet), and OH, NO ...
Ma rc u s is h ere, too . G reat, I can’t get away
from him.

A my looks plea s ed to s ee m e, so th at’s

somet hin g.

M rs . Na p puts m e right next to M arcus . . .

AGA I N .

Sh e b e gin s by m a ki ng us do ridiculous warm-up

exe rc is e s fo r our voi c es . We p ull lots of silly
fac e s a n d m a ke odd noi s es . T h en we learn th e
son gs for th e co nc ert. W h i c h is surprisingly
fun . I ’m almost s ta rti n g to e njoy my self.

140
M rs . N a p a s ks us a l l to s way from side to
side w he n we’re s i ng i ng .

We ’ re s u p p o s ed to a l l s way togeth er in th e
sa me d ire cti o n. B ut M a rc us keeps sway ing
(acc ide nt ally o n purpo s e) i nto me. So I

T he n he
into
HIM. i nto m e a n d on my
foot . So I g i ve h i m a BIG
(whic h get s h i m off my foot).

T he n he i nto m e AGAIN so I
j u s t th at l ittle bit too hard into
hi m. A n d M a rc us go es f ly i n g o nto th e f loor
(a s if he ’s been h it by a n eleph ant!).

141
Now he ’s s n i vel i n g o n th e g round, sh outing,

“Tom pushed me.

Tom pushed me!”
(H e’s SO a nnoy i ng.)

142
M rs . N a p h el ps M a rc us up. Th en send s M E
out , s ayin g,

“You should know better, Tom.

Perhaps choir is not for you after
all.”
I t hought I wa s doi ng so well.
I d raw a p i cture of M a rc us, wh ich mak es me
fe e l b ette r.

d.
y to a
sli m
a CROAK!
is
s
rc u
Ma

143
HISTORY
B ac k in c la s s, M a rc us i s s itti ng as far away
from me a s po s s i ble. (Jus t a s well, I say .)

“ M a rc u s is a n id i ot,” A my tells me.

Sh e s aw him pus h m e a n d tread on my foot.
(Maybe choir practice was a good idea after all?)

W hile A my i s feel i n g a ti ny bit sorry for me, I

t a k e t he oppo rtun ity to a s k h er ab out
. (I rem em ber A my LOV E S th e band .)

“ A re you goi n g to s ee th em ?” I say .

“ I W I S H !” s h e tel l s m e. “I don’t h ave

a t ic k et .” Th en M a rc us (w h o j ust can’t h elp
hi ms e lf b e ca us e h e i s a no sy t wit) b utts in.

144
 I
“ ’ ve got V. I. P. ti c k ets.”

His dad k now s s o m eo ne w h o

k now s s omeo ne w h o know s
some on e w h o h a s got th em ti ck ets. . . . Yawn.

I te ll him V. I . P. s ta nd s fo r

Very Ir r itating
Pe rso n .

A n d he b e li eves m e. H a ! H a !

So I inv ite A my to th e co nc ert with me and

D e re k , an d my dad .
(I don ’t me nti o n Unc le Kev i n, Auntie Alice, and
t he cou s in s . ) A n d s h e s ay s “OK
” and goes
bac k to read i n g .

145
“Brilliant,” I s ay , and th at’s it.

A ll s or ted . We’re a l l goi ng to see my favorite

ba n d . T hat wa s ea sy . Th en s tupid ly , I stop
l i s te n in g to th e h i s to ry les s o n and imagine
b e in g at t h e co nc ert i n s tead ( wh ich is much
more fu n ) .

i s fa nta s ti c — play i ng all th eir

great s on g s . S uddenly , i n th e middle of a

146
guit ar s olo, th e g uitarist is tak en
ill and has to be dramatically carried offstage.

T he lead s ing er a s ks th e c rowd,

“D oes anyon e k n ow h ow t o p la y
son gs ? ”

“ M E! ” I s h out a nd jum p onstage. Th e

crow d c he ers . Amy c h eers . D erek ch eers.
I s t a r t to play , a nd th e c rowd is amaz ed.
T hey b e gin to c a l l my n a m e.

Tom! To m !
To m !
To m !
147
 TOM!

Mr. Fu lle r m a n i s s h outi ng at m e. ( I’ve missed

mos t of t h e h i s to ry les s o n . )

Wor t h it , t h ough .

W ill c at c h up to n ight a n d g et back into M r.

Fu lle r ma n ’s good boo ks by not b eing late for
t he sc hool tri p to m o rrow .

W hic h I ’m rea l ly loo ki n g fo rward to now.

148
 School
Tr i P
Mr. Fu lle r ma n i s not plea s ed because I am
L ATE again . It wa s Del ia ’s fa ult ( well, th at’s
w hat I te ll M r. Ful lerm a n ) .

Eve ryon e is a l ready o n th e bus and very

exc ited, e s p ec ia l ly No rm a n Watson, wh o k eeps
lea p in g u p a nd dow n i n h i s s eat.

O n t he bus, I c a n o nly s ee one spare seat

left , r ight next to . . .

NO, Mrs. not Wo rth i n g"tash ” !

Fre e
s eat Hello,
Tom!
D e re k ha s a l ready s aved m e a place by h im.
But he t hinks it’s funny to watch me panic.

“Y ou r fac e! ” h e la ugh s .
“ Ha ! Ha ! Ve ry fun ny ,” I s ay .

T he b u s journey ta kes AGES

b e c au s e s om e of th e c la s s needs to use th e
toilet a n d Ju l ia M o r to n feels carsick
(s he ’s gon e a na s ty s h ade of green).
So we have to keep s toppi ng .
Eve nt ua lly we a rri ve at
t he mu s e u m .

It ’s HUGE, w ith big

ston e s te p s up to old w ooden doors th at
have ma s s ive pi l la rs eith er s ide. Lots of oth er
sc hools are th ere (a l l better b eh aved th an us).

150
We get s p lit up i nto th ree g roups with one
teac he r eac h (we’ve got M rs . Nap).

W e ’ re a ll g i ven a n Egyptian Q
to do. I ’m i n A my 's g roup w it h D erek , so we
uiz

r u s h a rou n d th e m us eum , m o s t ly copy ing wh at

A my w r ite s . Th e qui z do es n ’t tak e
lon g, s o we g et to c h ec k out
t he gift s h op ea rly .

I k now exactly w h at I wa nt to b uy .

151
At lu nc hti m e S O M EO N E ( OK, me)
gi ve s Nor ma n h a lf a c a ra m el wafer. ( I forget
t hat s ugar m a kes No rm a n even more hy per
t han u s ual.)

We a re al l s itti ng l i s ten i n g to th e M useum

E gyp t ia n
E x pert. Sh e i s s h owing us a real
mu mmy a n d tel l i ng us i n g reat GO R Y
det ail how th e Eg y ptia ns w ou ld

“use a long hook to pull out the dead

person's brain through their nose
before mummifying them . . .”

Ju lia Mo r to n go es g reen and feels

sic k again .

152
Nor ma n c an ’t s it s ti l l a nd wants to tak e a
clos e r look at th e m um my .

JUMPS
He up a bit too quick ly and

p u s he s Brad G a l loway , w h o bumps into

Le roy, w ho fa l l s o n Solid, wh o accidentally
shove s Mrs . Wo rth i n gto n. Th en sh e falls
ove r a n d k noc ks i nto a very rare
Egyp t ian va s e. . . .

153
Than k fu lly ,
C AT C H it!
M r. Ful lerm a n m a nages
to

He ’s hold ing o n to it rea l ly t ightly and

b reat hin g a s igh of rel i ef just wh en Julia
Mor ton lea n s fo rwa rd a nd i s sick .

(I don ’t t h i nk th at’s w h at Egy ptian vases

we re or igin a l ly us ed fo r. )

154
The mu s e u m ex pert c a n ’t g et rid of us
quic k ly e nough .

W hile Ju lia i s g etti n g c lea ned up,

we all get to go to th e g ift sh op again.
I b uy s ome bri l l ia nt Eg y ptia n tattoos.

O n t he way h o m e th e bus i s much quieter

b e c a u s e s om e kid s h ave go n e to sleep, includ ing
Marc u s . W h i c h i s exc el lent news b ecause:

1. I do n ’t h ave to l i s ten/ talk to h im

2.
( h e’s a nnoy i ng ).
I’m s ti l l c ro s s h e got me k ick ed

3. out of c h oi r practi ce.
It g i ves m e a c h a nce to try out
my n ew Eg y ptia n tattoos.

155
W h i c h w o rk g reat!

z zz
z zz

zz

D rool

156
I a m doi ng s o m e
m o re d raw i n g , w h ich
g ets m e
TH IN K ING
about s o m e oth e r
i nteres ti n g
stuff. . . .

M oon
Coo
kie
Rules:
He re are a few rules ba s ed on stuff th at’s
ha p p e n ed to m e (s o it’s a l l tr ue).

Rule 1.
Sc hool p hoto s a re a lway s HIDEOUS .
It ’s t he law, I th i n k. E ven if a world-famous
p hotograp h er wa s to ta ke a sch ool ph oto, it
w ou ld S T IL L be rubbi s h .

Rule 2.
H I D EO U S
sc h ool
ph oto

You r s ib lin g s (i n my c a s e, Del ia) k now way s to

an noy you th at nobody el s e does.

Rule 3.
Y ou r p are nts g et
w it h age .
M ORE embarrassing

158
M y d ad i s now offi c ia l ly the

WORLD CHAMPION of em ba rra ssing dads.

Whe n we got bac k fro m th e sch ool trip, Dad

was t he re to pi c k m e up.
He wa s wea ri n g :
A n as ty-colo red po m po m h at with h is name
o n it .
N K
F R A

M uddy j ea ns ti ed up w ith a piece of string.

NO bel t, jus t .

A gr u b by s h i rt w ith h oles a nd patch es.

A n d filt hy old Wel l i n gto n boot s.

159
 SAD
H at
TOM!
S h a me
NG
STRI

Mud
es
P AT C h
Mud
M UD

“I ’ (veL been g a rdeni ng ,” h e said.

ik e th at’s a n exc us e! )
“ We ll, I w o n’t both er to pi c k y ou up again.”
(If on ly.)

Brad Galloway a nd M a rk C l ump b oth th ought

he was a t ra m p.
160
 Ha!
Ha!
Ha! Ha!
“ Look at t h at tra m p over th e re, ” th ey

Ha!
la ughed .
“ I magin e if h e wa s YOUR DAD !”
Brad s a id .

“ H e is my dad,” I told th em . I could n’t get

ho me fas t enough .

I on ly forg ave Dad w h en h e p ulled out four

(s light ly muddy ) tick ets from h is
p oc k et .

BRILLIANT !
( T h at ’s w hy h e c a m e to
p ic k me u p .)

I ’m offic ial ly exc ited now a nd very h appy .

161
At hom e Del ia s poi l s everyth ing by
wav in g my sc h ool ph oto a round and laugh ing
at it .
“
Freak ph oto or WH AT? ”

A n noyin gly, I h ave to ag ree. It’s AWF U L,

te r r ib le, a rea l ly rotten, c h eesy picture.

H I D EO U S
sc hool
ph oto

I ’ ve got odd h a i r a nd a red face. I k new it

w ou ld b e bad, but not that bad.

AGHH!
I grab it bac k fro m h er a n d try to h ide it
b efore Mom s ees it. Del ia s ay s,

” TOO L ATE, NERD BOY. ”

162
A p p are nt ly M o m loves it a n d h as already
orde red ab out a m i l l i o n copi es for th e entire
fa mily. . . .
Groan .

To M' S
S c h ool
P hoto

I te ll D e rek about th e
D e re k
tick ets.
t e ll s m e h e’s got h i s N E W PU PPY!!
He’s going to bring the puppy over to my house
ton ight for ba n d practi c e s o I can see it.
(Als o t hat w i l l keep Del ia away .)

163
M r. Fullerman appears to be in a good mood.
(De s p ite me o nly j us t m a ki ng it to sch ool on

AGAIN )
t ime . . . and fo rg etti n g my review h omework

“Today we’re going to be making models of

pyramids.”

(Whic h s ou n d s l i ke fun fo r a ch ange.)

He p ut s u s i nto g roups . I ’m with Norman,

A mb e r, Pa nsy , I nd ra n i , a n d S olid .
(I have to m ove tables . )

Solid has a good idea for the shape of the model.

“ It s hou ld be s o rt of py ra m id-sh aped? ”

Geni us .

164
I n d ra n i d raw s a c a rd tem plate, and Amb er
cut s it out . Th en we a l l h el p to cover it in
g lue a n d p a per, w h i c h m a kes a nice and sturdy
m ode l.

Eve ryon e is w o rki ng tog eth er really well

(u n u s ually fo r C la s s 5 F ) . O ur py ramid is
act ually s t a rti n g to loo k a bit lik e . . . a
py ramid .

M r. Fu lle rm a n ’s attenti o n i s on M ark Clump’s

g rou p , w ho a ren’t doi ng s o well.
165
T he n Nor ma n s ta rts to g et bored. ( H e gets
b ored eas ily . )

“ Let ’s mak e a m um my ,” h e s uggests.

Great Idea.
Nor ma n gets s i x toi let pa per rolls from th e
sc hool toilet a n d tri es to “w rap up” Solid.
But t he re ’s not enough pa per to cover h im
(too b ig an d ta l l ) . So we us e Norman instead .
He ’s s ma lle r but a lot m o re fidgety .

“
Ke e p s t il l , Norman, ” I tell h im.

166
It ’s not ea sy coveri ng h i s le gs and h ead
w it h t he T P . W h en h e’s fi n a l ly mummified,
Nor ma n s t a rts wa l ki ng a round with h is arms
st ret c hed out (l i ke a rea l m um my ).
OAAAAAA,
OOO
WH O
He ma k e s OOOOOO OOOOAAAAA! noises.
WH O O
OOOOO
It ’s ve ry rea l i s ti c . H e’s good .

He ’s sc a r in g A m ber. AGH!
Mr. Fu lle r ma n loo ks over to s ee wh at we’re up
to.

Suddenly, M r. Keen th e h eadmaster

b u rs t s into th e c la s s roo m .

( On o ne of h i s l ittle visits.)

167
 N or ma n i s s ti l l beh i n d th e door. H e doesn’t
move .

M r. K e e n a s ks about th e sc hool trip and

admire s ou r py ra m id w o rk.
OO OOOOAAA)
(W O OOO
HHH
A A , WOO
HOOOOOOO O O
“ W hat’ s t h a t s t r a n g e
m oani ng n ois e ? ”
The c la s s s ta rts la ugh i n g .
OOO OAAA)
(W OO OOO
HHH WOO
HOOOOOOOOOAA,

“ The r e i t is a g a in . ”

M r. Ke e n ’s fac e s ta rts to h over around th e

“ g ett in g c ro s s ” colo r o n th e
ed- O- Meter
R
w he n he ’s c a l led away
Angry Very

CROSS
Angry

RAGiNG

by a n an nounc em ent fro m R E D- O- M E T E R

Mrs . Mu m ble. A n d a s M r. Keen closes th e
door, eve ry o ne c a n now s ee Norman mak ing
168
 OO OOOOOOAAA
WH
HHH WO OOO
OOOOOOOOOAA,
nois e s a n d preten d i ng to be a mummy .

I nc lud in g Mr. Ful lerm a n.

W ho’s not i n s uc h a good m ood now.

A A,
AAA
O OO
WHHOOOO OO
A
WH O O AAAA
HOOOOOOO

It ’s b e e n a n eventful
day at sc hool .
janitor Stan replacing toilet rolls

169
I can’t wait to meet Derek’s new
now ! He ’s very c ute (unl i ke Derek ),
PUPPY
alt hough I c a n s ee a s l ight s imilarity from th e
p ict u re he e- m a i led m e.

W e let h i m run a round my h ouse . . . . . . .

into D e lia ’s roo m . W h ere h e ch ews a few pairs

Good dog!
of s u n gla s s es a nd jum ps o n her b ed .

D
Bu
el ia i s furi ous .
t s h e h a s to keep her d istance
b e c a u s e s h e’s a l lerg i c to dogs.
De re k an d I a re busy practi cing some new
tunes (De rek ’s dog l
w
Ow
O

i s s in gin g s o rry , along)

170
 Hello!

w he n Dad pops h i s h ead a roun d th e

door. He wa nts to know if we need
anot he r gu ita ri s t fo r th e ba n d . ( We don’t.)

He s ays t hi ng s l i ke th at i n a jok ey k ind of

way. But s o m eti m es I th i n k h e really means it.
Dad re min ds us about th e co ncert next week .
Apparently Delia’s not coming with us
because she’s going with “friends.” (I think she
has a boyfriend, which is a horrible thought.) At
least she won’t be able to spoil my fun like usual.
U nc le Kev i n , A unti e A l i c e, and th e twins C a n't
se e
are meeting us at the concert. I feel
sor ry for a ny o n e w h o en d s up
st an d in g b e h i nd th e tw i n s . They
w on't s e e a th i n g .

D e re k a n d I d i sc us s wea ri n g our
T- s hir t s .
(M u s t c he c k w h at Dad pla ns to wear j ust in
ca s e it ’s too em ba rra s s i ng . It will b e.)
171
 TO M . . . E WORK?
r H O M
s you
where i

M r. Fu lle r m a n i s i n a rea l ly
today.
mood

I k e e p fo rg etti ng to bri ng in my review

h omew or k .
I ’m goi n g to g et a noth e r detention at
this rate .
H e ’s not plea s ed at a l l .

P lu s we have pa rents ’ eveni ng tonight

(I forgot about TH AT a s wel l).
Now M o m a n d Dad w i l l be th e LAST
p are nt s to s ee M r. Ful lerm a n.

Bec a u s e I did n't bri n g i n my form.

Bein g las t w i l l g i ve th em fa r too much time to
look at my w o rk a nd “c h it- c h at” with every one
(teac he rs a nd oth er pa rents — it will b e awful).

172
M r. F u llerm a n g i ves us today ’s work .

5F
CLASS about yo
ur
piece
ut o write a
o d a y, I ’d like yo
T
S.
HOBBIE
school.
d o o u tside of
u
g that yo ing?
Anythin s w im m ing, sing
music,
Sports, mps?
y o u c o llect sta
Do ?
o u li k e drawing y?
Do y a r t t he hobb
you s t
Why did e an to yo
u?
s it m ent?
What do
e
s p e c ia l equipm
y
need an
Do you a ny prize
s?
a nyone e
lse?
u w o n b y t o
Have yo is hob
r e c o m mend th
ou
Would y
ase.
e f u ll p age, ple
least on
Write at

rman
Mr. Fulle

M mmmmm . . . h obbi es ?

173
My hob b ies a re
a n noy i n g Del ia ,

bei n g i n a ba nd,

a n d eati ng c a ra m el wafers.

I cou ld w r ite a w h ole pag e o n annoy ing D elia,

b ut I ’m not s ure th at’s w h at M r. Fullerman h ad
in min d .

W hat to write? W h at to w rite? ?

— I ’l l m a ke up a more
inte re s t in g h obby fo r m e to do. Someth ing
fun ny.

Good idea.

174
We s p e n d m o s t of th e day sorting out our
cla s s room a nd g etti ng our boo k s ready for
p a re nt s ’ eveni ng .
Ma rc u s leaves h i s notebook out on h is
de s k w hile h e go es to th e toi let.
( M i st a k e ! )

I s lip a few d raw i n g s I ’ve done in

b et we e n t h e pag es of h i s w o rk .
(That s hou ld m a ke h i s pa rents’ evening more
inte re s t in g. )

Mr. Ful ler ma n My parents Ha,

is PIG MA N Ha
are thick

Ha, Mr. Is an
Ha, Fullerman IDIOT
Ha!
by Marcus

175
M om an d Dad (a s pred i cted ) are not h appy
that t hey’ ll be th e la s t pa rents to see M r.
Fulle r man .

It’s always a bit wei rd co m i n g back into sch ool

i n t he eve ni ng . Es pec ia l ly w h e n th e classroom
i s all c lea n a nd tidy (not l i ke normal).
M r. Fu lle r m a n i s wea ri ng a s uit
and look s u nco mfo rtable. SHAME
Dad is wea ri n g a terri ble
T-s hir t , s o I beg h i m to
leave his jac ket o n .

176
M Om in s is ts o n loo ki ng at E V ERY piece of
w or k u p on th e wa l l s . Wo rs e still, sh e
k e e p s t alk in g to teac h ers LOVELY
work!
t hat I don ’t h ave les s o n s
w it h
k now .
A N D pa rents of kid s I don’t even
He llo

It ’s SO em ba rra s s i n g !

I s p ot S olid , w h o do es n’t loo k h appy ( h e

look s J U S T l i ke h i s dad , though ).

“Pa rents ’ evening

s uc ks,” h e wh ispers.

I ag ree.

T he n I s e e A my . H er pa rents are with M r.

Fu lle r ma n a l ready . Th ey a re both smiling and
la ughin g ( no problem s w ith A my ’s work , th en).

177
D ad s ays h e’s got A my ’s
in his p oc k et
tick et
a n d h e could
gi ve it to
her “ folk s ” now .
(Folk s ? D on ’t s ay fol ks, plea s e ? )
So we wa it fo r th em to fi ni sh . Th en Dad
st r ik e s u p a co nvers ati o n w it h Amy ’s dad
about
MUSIC i n a rea lly l o u d voice.

A my rolls h ers ey es a n d loo ks at me.

“ Sor ry, ” I s ay , a n d we both h ave to stand
t he re a n d wa it fo r our pa rents to stop
e mbar ras s in g us . Th ey c h at for ages ab out all
k in d s of r ubbi s h .
T he n Dad fo rg ets to g i ve
t he m t he ti c ket after
all t hat !

178
Fi n a lly, w he n M r. Ful lerm a n h as seen all th e
othe r p a re nts, it’s our turn . . . groan.

He
lette rs .
b r in g s out a folder th at’s full of

s
o m ' s lette r
T

“Can I start with Tom’s letters from home?”

h e s ays .

M om a n d Dad loo k a bit puz z led.

Not the
LETTERS, NO!!
(I ’ve b een rumb led.)

179
 an,
r M r . Fullerm
Dea
and
m h a s a cold
Poor To sports outside
o
can’t d
v er.
. . . e
Dear Mr. Fu
e f r o m llerman,
Lo v
Please can
t a G a t es Tom be
Ri excused fro
m
spelling th
is week.
He’s had a
difficult we
ek
(f a m i l y s t u
ff).
Thanks,

Rita Gates

Dear Mr. Fullerman,

Tom has been helping his

sick grandmother and has
not been able to do his
homework.

Sorry,

Rita Gates

180
 Dear Mr. Fullerman,

Tom’s delayed homewo

rk was due to his
sister being nasty
to him and not
letting him use the
computer. We have
told her off.

Thanks,

Frank Gates

Dear Mr. Fullerman,

g his sick
Tom has been helpin
s not been able to
grandfather and ha
do his homework.

Whoops,

Frank Gates

Dear Mr. Fullerman,

Please can Tom be excused from

swimming?
He is allergic to water chemicals in
the water.

Thank you,

Rita Gates

181
It ’s not a good s ta rt to pa re nts’ evening.
(What c an I s ay ? It w o rked for a wh ile.)

But t he good new s i s, I ’m doing well in ART

an d En glis h .

Spe llin g is o n ly s o - s o . C ould i m prove at math .

C ou ld do b etter at sc i enc e a nd h istory . G ood
at P.E.

It ’s not a ll bad .

Room for i m provem ent, M r. Fu llerman say s.

T hey have a n i c e c h at about me ( lik e I’m not

t he re ) .
t, Tom
C h a at .
ch thi s,
Tom
that.

182
I s mile a n d ag ree not to :

1. C h at s o m uc h .

2 • so much .

3• Fa ke letters fro m h ome again.

Ge n e rally I ’m a n O K kid .

It ’s a reasonably good pa rents’ evening.

T he n Mom a n d Dad both read

“MY NEW H OB BY ” (wh ich I completely

fo rgot ab out). A n d it a l l go es H ORRIB LY
w ron g.
From t he loo ks o n th ei r fac es I can see
t hey’ re not h a ppy .

183
MY NEW HOBBY
B y To m G ates

My mom an d dad l i ke to us e my pock et money

as a n ext ra way of m a ki ng me do th ings I’m
not ve ry k e en o n doi n g .

For in s t anc e:
“ C lean u p y our roo m . . . o r no pock et money .”
“ Eat you r veg etables . . . o r no pock et money .”
“ Be n ic e to y our s i s ter . . . o r no pock et
mon ey.”
(Whic h I t h i n k i s po s s i bly ag a inst my h uman
r ight s ? ) A nd if th at’s not bad enough , Dad
se e ms to t a ke g reat plea s ure in placing my
mon ey in very h igh
p lac e s . L ik e doo rs,
she lve s, a n d
anyw he re I c a n’t
eas ily reac h it.

184
Wh
M
e n I do fi n a l ly g et my h and s on it,
om often bo rrow s it bac k to b uy
E m ergency sh e say s.
milk a n d n ew s pa pers .
m oney ,

I d iscove red my n ew h obby completely by

acc ide nt .
Fed u p lis te ni ng to M o m a n d M rs. Fingle
(D e re k ’s mo m ) “c h it- c h atti n g ” outside th e sh ops
(for w hat s eem s l i ke H O UR S), I sit on th e
pave me nt a n d loo k M rs . Fi ngle
rea lly b ored C hci th-a t t i n g
(my le gs
ac he, too) . W h en s o m eo n e wa l k s past me, h e
drop s s ome m o ney i nto my la p.

R eal mon ey !

It ’s BR IL LIAN T !
(I t hin k t hey m us t feel SOR RY for me!)

185
So I p ut o n a n even sadder face, and
some on e e ls e g i ves m e a noth e r $ 1.
By t he t im e M o m a nd M rs . Fi ngle h ave finish ed
t a lk in g, I ’ ve m ade $ 3. 70 all on my own.
W hic h get s m e th i n ki ng . W h at if I use a
w ritten sign lik e

a nd wear some old

w o r n-out cloth es?

So I give t h at a go , too , a nd sure enough I
mak e eve n M OR E m o n ey .

T he great th i n g about my new h ob by is y ou

ca n do it a ny w h ere a nd y ou g et to meet

186
lots of d ifferent people. And now I
don ’t have to rely o n M o m a nd Dad for my
p oc k et mon ey a ny m o re. It’s a h ob by I would

E V ERYONE .
re comme n d to

I a m a ls o i n a ba n d c a l led

B ut we don’t mak e any

m o ney at all ( y et).

Th e E nd

187
“YO U ’ V E BEE N
BE GG I N G ? BE GGI NG !

I C A N ’ T BE LI E V E I T! ”

M om an d Dad keep loo ki n g at me and

sha k in g t he i r h ead s .
(I wa s n ’t b egg i ng ; it’s j us t a story. )
O n t h e way h o m e, th ey remind me again
t hat “ not every o n e i s a s lucky as y ou,
To m.” A n d “B egg i ng i s no jo ke !”
I ’m t ry i ng to co nv i nc e th em th at I
was not b e gg i ng . I tel l th em I was using my
im agin at ion .
I w ou ld NE V ER beg . E ver!
“ It wa s jus t a s to ry ! You k now,
p rete n d in g . . . h a , h a , h a ?”
I t hin k th ey bel i eve m e now. Ph ew.
188
 D e l ia h ea rs M o m a nd Dad talk ing
ab out my p a rents ’ even i n g a nd h ow th ey
thought I ’ d been begg i ng .
S he s uddenly co m es over and offers me
a c ara me l wafer. E ven th ough I KNOW sh e’s
up to s ometh i n g , I
stupidly go to tak e
it.

“ I hea r y ou’re good at begging? B eg for

the wafer, then,” she says, and wafts the wafer
in front of m e. I wa nt th at wafer
bad ly t hat I actua l ly s ay
S O
“please.”
A n d s he s ay s,
“Say pretty please.”
So I s ay,
“Pretty please.”
(It’s s o humiliating.)

189
 “
I c a n’t h ea r y ou! ”

“PRETTY PLEASE!”
T he n , to my s urpri s e, Del ia actually h ands over
t he wafe r a n d go es off la ugh ing.

It’s on ly w h en I try to ope n th e wafer

that I real i z e th at I h ave fa llen for th e old
“ emp ty wafer w ra pper” tri c k.

V e ry fu n ny , Del ia . Em
p ty

V e ry fu n ny .

I s udde n ly feel i ns pi red to write a new

so n g. W he n Derek co m es over later,
I s how him a new s o n g I ’ve j ust
wr itte n for
DOG
H e lik es it a

ZOMBIES
Delia’s a Weirdo
W ho’s t hat wei rdo over th ere?
D re s s ed i n
W it h grea sy h a i r
You c an ’t trus t h er
S he ’s not ni c e
S he ’s got no h ea rt
Ju s t a b loc k of i c e
C horus Del ia
S h e’s a WEIR D O
Del ia
S h e’s a GEEK
Del ia
Sh e’s a WEIR D O
Del ia
S h e’s a FR EA K
D e lia’s a g rum py m oo
D on ’t let h er
S t a n d n ext to y ou
Big b lac k g la s s es
H ide he r ey es
S he rea lly s m el l s
A n d t hat’s no l i e
C horus

191
B AScChoKol
at

for
To m, I’m still waiting
your HOMEWORK.

(I got c a r r i ed away practi c i n g “D elia’s a

We irdo.” It’s s oun d i ng rea l ly good. I h ave
w r itte n a few m o re good verses. Will h ave to
do homew o rk
TONI G HT
b efore t he co nc ert .)

I ’ SO
m excited I can hardly concentrate.

on
v.i.p. v.i.p.
Marc u s is goi n g o n a nd o n a nd v.i.p. v.i.p.
ab out h i s V. I. P . ti c k ets.
“ S hut up, M a rc us . ” E ven Amy is fed up
w it h him.
Mr. Fu l lerm a n rem i nd s us th at
is not t he o n ly co nc ert co m i n g up.
(H ow d id h e know about ? ).
192
“Don’t forget about the SCHOOL CONCERT,”
he te lls u s .

W he n M r. Ful lerm a n s ta rt s th e lesson, I’m

t ryin g to w o rk out h ow m a ny h ours it will b e
b efore t he co nc ert s ta rts .

LOADS . . . too many .

T h e c loc k i n th e c la ssroom
do es n’t s eem to be moving at all.
T his i s th e
les s on Mr. Ful lerm a n h a s ever given us.

NOT
I a m s t a r in g at th e c lock and it’s
defin ite ly m ov i n g .

T he more I s ta re . . . th e slower th e time

go e s .

193
A n d Mrs . M um ble keeps i nte rrupting th e
le s s on w it h a nnounc em ents that no one can
un de rs t a n d.

“Did anyone understand that?” M r. Fullerman

as k s . T he n s h e s ay s it ag a i n , b ut it’s no
clea re r. ( T h i s les s o n i s
to e n d ! ) n e v er going

M r. Fu llerm a n leaves th e c lassroom to ch eck

what ’s goin g o n . “ I t m i g h t b e im po rt a nt , ”
he s ays . ( A s if. )
W hile he ’s go ne, I h ave a

BRAINWAVE!
194
I stand on the table and MOVE the hands on
the clock forward so the lesson is nearly
finished. ( T h i s go es dow n wel l
w it h my c la s s m ates . )

HOORAY!
, !
r ay o r ay
o ho
Ho
Mr. Fu l lerm a n loo ks s l ight ly
con fus ed w h en h e co m es back .
H e c h ec ks h i s ow n watch .
“ I s t h e c l o c k fa s t ? ”
“NO, MR . FU LLERM AN.”
“Has anyone touched the clock?”
“ NO, MR . F ULLER M A N . ”
He notices the clock is slightly wonky on the
wall. Mr. Fullerman is not convinced. He stands on
a chair to put the clock back to the right time.
u n c e m e nt .
k e s a n ot h e r a n no
ma
a s M r s . M u m b lrem a n j u m p , a n d h e w o b b l e s
t lle
Ju s a k e s M r. F u
It m d o n t o t h e f l o o r.

I t ’s a d i s a ster !
o ff t h e c h a i r a n

195
( W e ’ ll
t his rate .)
n eve r g et out of th is lesson at

Not that I’m being unsympathetic. But this is

turning out to be the longest lesson EVER .

M r. Fullerman is wincing in pain and takes

TWICE as long to do or say anything. And the
rest of the day doesn’t go any faster.
(It’s like someone knows it’s the concert tonight
and is deliberately slowing the world down.)

M ath i s a d rag . P.E. tak es forever.

I ’m gett in g c h a n g ed out of my P.E . k it in th e
loc k e r room w h en th ere i s a noth er really loud
nois e t hat s ta rts

A R I N G

BL out of th e speak ers.

(Not M rs . Mumb le th is time.

So met hin g even louder . )
196
Mr. F u l lerm a n s ay s it’s a

FI R E A L a rm
DRILL!
“Leave everything and exit in an
orderly fashion. DON’T RUN! Go outside.”

I ma n age to g rab my s h o es a nd follow

eve ryon e e l s e outs ide to th e p lay ground . E ven
t hough we h ave to wa it for attendance to
b e t ak e n a nd wa it fo r a l l th e oth er classes to
co me out . Ti m e s uddenly s eem s to b e
F LY ING
by . M a inly b ecause
Ma rc u s ha s left h i s pa nts
b e hin d a n d i s s ta n d i ng i n th e play ground in
jus t his b r i efs .
M rs . N ap g i ves
hi m a s weater to ti e a roun d h is waist.
Now it looks l i ke h e’s wea ri n g a sk irt.

197
It ’s t he funniest th i ng I’ve seen in
ag e s .

198
 Mr. Fu l lerm a n s ay s we c a n all go h ome
slight ly ea rly now .
HOORAY!


I ’m tel l i ng D erek all ab out
w h at h a ppened to M arcus on

Shame! th e way h o me ( especially th e
s weater/ s kirt b it), wh en h e
tel l s m e h e’s got a proper
na m e fo r h is dog now.
I try to guess wh at it is.
“R oc ky ?”
“R over?”
“Fa n g ?”
Rooster,
“ It ’s ” h e say s.
“ROOSTER? That’s a kind of chicken, isn’t it?
You ’ re n a mi n g y our dog after a ch ick en? ”
(I s u p p os e I ’l l g et us ed to it.)
C L UCK

HERE W E COM E!

199
 D e rek h a s brought R ooster over and
h e ’s r u n n in g a roun d our h ous e look ing for
De lia . S he ’s a l ready go n e to m eet h er friend
(b oyfr ie n d, m o re l i kely ). Derek and I are
wear in g our T- s h i rts a nd look ing cool.

Dad i s wea ri n g anoth er

terri ble T- s h i r t and h orrid
pa nts . H e do e sn’t look cool.

M om agre e s w ith m e a n d m ak es h im ch ange.

“ An d no c row d s urfi ng ,” Change.

sh e te lls Dad a s we
leave t he h ous e.

200
T he n D A D rem em bers th e ti c kets were in h is
othe r p a nt s . So h e go es bac k to get th em.
But he c an ’t fi nd th em ANYWHER E .
Don't panic.
This is dreadful .
I
D e re k is t ry i ng not to pa ni c .
We look around th e w h ole h ou se. In D elia’s
room, my roo m , th e kitc h en .
“ D on ’t w o rry , th ey ’re h ere somewh ere, ” h e
says . H e c h ec ks h i s poc kets . T h e b edrooms, th e
bathroom. We are officially
W he re a re th e ti c kets ?
F RANTIC .

YAP ! YA P YA P !
P!
YA P !
! YA
Roos te r is runni ng a round c h asing us from
room to roo m . It’s rea l ly a n noy ing b ecause
he is bar k in g a n d y a ppi n g a nd it’s mak ing
eve ryon e s t res s ed .
201
 M o m s end s R oo s ter out to th e garden.
I ’m c he c k in g my roo m ag a i n wh en I look out
of t he w indow a nd s ee R oo s ter play ing with
some b it s of pa per. Th e bits of paper look lik e
t hey cou ld h ave been . . .

THE TICKETS!
“ BAD Rooster! ” D erek is say ing.
But it ’s too late. Th e ti c kets are all mangled
an d cove red i n teeth m a rks a nd dog drool.

“ I ’ ll s ti c k th em tog eth er, ” Dad say s. “It’ll

b e fin e .”
But it’s not fine. The tickets are ruined
202
 “
M ay be U nc le Kev i n a nd Auntie Alice
w ill s e ll u s th ei r ti c kets ?” Dad say s.
“ D on ’t ba nk o n it,” M o m say s.
“ We ’ ll th i n k of s o m eth i n g , ” Dad say s.
But I ’m too stunned to say
anyt hin g at a l l .
We go to th e s h ow a ny way .
“ I ’m n ever goi ng to g et a dog, ”
I s ay to D erek. W h i c h i s a bit unfair, I
k now , b e c a us e it’s not h i s fa ult. I’m j ust
really an gry w ith h i s s tupid c hick en dog.
GGGGGGGGGr r r r r r r r r r rr r r r .

er
R oost
BAD

203
A my is a l ready th ere wa iti ng with h er dad.
“ Let ’s s e e if th ey ’l l ta ke th e tick ets any way ? ”
says Dad . Th e m a n at th e door tak es one look
at t he b it s of ti c ket a nd s h ak es h is h ead.
“ So r r y , p a l . Ca n ’t t a k e th e s e ,
t h e y ’r e a l l m a s h e d u p .”
Ju s t w he n th i ng s could n ’t g et any worse . . .
Marc u s a n d h i s dad turn up clutch ing four
V.I .P . t ic k ets . Turn s out th at th ey now h ave
t w o s p a re V . I . P . ti c kets . A n d u s 's V . I. P.
M a rc T
Dad

ick
Marc u s ’s dad s ugg es ts th at

et s
we cou ld h ave th em . (M a rc us
doe s n ’t t ak e after h i s dad,
w ho s e e ms quite n i c e. )
I want to go SO bad ly . B ut my D AD say s th at
A my a n d Derek s h ould go . “B e cause we might
b e ab le to g et i n w ith Unc le Kevin.”
I am V ERY brave. I tell Amy and
D e re k t hat I rea l ly do n ’t m i nd and th at I’ll b e
fin e . T he n I watc h a l l four of th em go off to
t he conc e r t. (I ns ide I c a n’t believe D erek and
204
A my have go ne w ith
M AR CUS! )
TONIGHT

T h is is
te r r ible .
U nc le Kev i n a n d A untie A lice are
wav in g an d c a l l i n g Dad . Unc le Kevin is look ing
p a r t ic u lar ly plea s ed w ith h i m s elf. Dad tells h im
w hat ’s hap pen ed a nd h ow we can’t get in now
w it h t he m a n g led ti c kets . Uncle Kevin say s,
Typical you! w h i c h m a kes Dad cross. U ncle
Kev in ( b e in g a s a les m a n) h a s actually sold
t he ir t ic k et s fo r th ree ti m es as much as h e
p a id for t h em . H e’s very h a ppy and th ey ’re
goin g to d i n n er i n s tead of th e concert.
(I think the cousins would rather have seen the band.)
205
G
I ’ ll
reat , t h i s i s turn i n g i nto a nightmare.
never g et to s ee my favorite band now.
Dad s e e s I ’m REALLY ups et.

“
S tay he re, do n ’t m ove,” h e say s. “I’ll get
some t ic k et s, do n’t y ou w o rry , Tom.”

I ’m SO m i s erable.

I s it on t h e f loo r a n d loo k
rea lly fed up. Th e co nc ert
is ab out to s ta rt a nd we’ve
got no c ha nc e of s eei ng th em at th is rate.

T he n I have a n idea .

It ’s a lon g s h ot, but I ’ve got nothing to

los e .

I’m desperate .

206
I fi nd a pa per bag , and I
a l ready h ave a p en.

Th en I g et w riti ng and
d raw i n g .

207
G U I LT
Y
I’m attracti n g a bit of attention, b ut no
t ic k et s a s y et.

A lady wa lks pa s t a nd s ay s “Poor y ou, ” wh ich

is n ic e .

T he n I ’m s uddenly awa re of a man in leath er

p ant s read i n g my note.

He ’s s ha k in g h i s h ead a n d loo k ing at me.

I p ut on a n extra SAD face.

T he n he s t a rts wa l ki n g towa rd me and

t he re ’s s om eth i ng very fa m i l iar ab out h im.
I ’m s u re I ’ ve s een h i m befo re.
T he n he as ks m e a ques ti o n .

“Is t his y o u r n e w h o b b y , T o m ? ”
he a s k s, a nd it suddenly dawns on me
w ho it is . . . .
209
B li m ey , i T ’s
MR. FULLERMAN.

AGH ! leather
PA NTs!

A ND he ’s wea ri n g leath er pants! Wh at’s

HE doin g h ere? It’s a terrib le moment,

bumping into a TEACHER outside of school.
You don ’t rea l ly th i n k of th em h aving a life
out s ide of bei ng a teac h er.
It ’s a s hoc k (es pec ia l ly th e leath er pants).
210
D ad comes bac k, w ith no ti ck ets.
He ’s NOT p lea s ed to s ee m e be gging.

YO U’R E B E GGING ?
"You told m e it wa s a m ade- up story , Tom!”
“ It wa s . . . . I wa s des perate! ” I say .
“ S top b e ggi ng right now ! Th ere must b e
anot he r way to s ee .”

T he n Mr. Ful lerm a n s ay s,

“H ello , M r . Ga t e s . I t h i n k I m ight be
ab le t o he l p . ”

A n d Dad loo ks a s s h oc ked a s I am

to s e e it ’s M r. Ful lerm a n (wearing
leat he r p ants ).
I ’m w on de ri ng w h at M r. Ful lerman is doing at
a s h ow i n th e fi rs t place. And guess
w hat ?
211
T u r n s out th at
to sc hool M AT
ES
M r. Ful lerm an actually went
w ith

M ANAGER!
T hey are good fri en d s .

(M r. Fu lle r m a n i s NOT j us t a c rusty old teach er

afte r all.) a n k s , m a n . No problem.
Th

H
N i ce
pa nts.
e s p ea k s to s o m eo n e
bac k s t age w h o g i ves us a l l
sp e c ial p a s s es .
K!

NOW
SQUEA

I c a n watc h the wh ole sh ow

from t he s ide of th e s tag e!

I w ou ld H UG M r. Ful lerm a n if h e wasn’t my

teac he r ( a n d wea ri ng leath er pants).

It’s th e B E ST v i ew ever!

212
 i s abs ol utely bri l liant and I can
s ee E VERY THING .
I s e e D e rek a nd A my a n d wave. D erek and
A my wave bac k. M a rc us h a s h is mouth open
l i k e a goldfi s h i n s h oc k.

(It’s almost the best part of the show. Ha, ha!)

T he n I s p ot Del ia i n th e a ud i e nce. Sh e’s with

her b oyfr ien d . So I poi nt h i m out to Dad and
st ir t hin gs up by s ay i n g h e’s got a V ERY bad
re p ut at ion a round tow n.

W hat a fanta s ti c night I ’m h aving. play

all t he ir b e s t s o ng s .

T he n r ight at th e en d . . . it gets b etter . . .

213
 I’l l never wa s h ag ain.

215
I ’m s t ill buz z i ng w h en I g et h ome.

Dad ha s fo rgotten about my b egging ( ph ew).

He ’s too b usy w o rry i ng about D elia’s dodgy

b oyfr ie n d .

I go to b ed happy
w hole gig i n my h ead .
and relive th e

216
 T h i s i s probably th e
I n t he m o rni ng , Del ia i s s lop ping around th e
hou s e s u lk in g a n d bei n g m i s erab le.
Grrrrrrrr

A p p are nt ly it’s a l l my fa ul t be cause M om and

Dad want to m eet h er new “friend” now. ( I
am a G EN IU S . ) mmmm
m

D mm mmm
ad is hum m i ng
son gs at b rea kfa s t.

M o m i s wea ri ng a T-sh irt.

It’s SO em ba rra s s i n g ( old people
t ryin g to be tren dy ). I c a n’t get out of th e
hou s e qu ic k enough .

D e re k a n d I go to sc h ool tog eth er.

He ’s SO w i s h i ng h e'd s tuc k with me at th e

co nc e r t now .

218
S M e e in g
mode is
r. Ful lerm a n ag a in in “teach er”
wei rd .

T he firs t th i n g h e a s ks m e i s,

“W H E R E ’ S YOU R HO M EWORK, TOM?”

“ I wa s at t h e co nc ert, s i r, re memb er? ”

M r. Fu lle rm a n s ay s th at’s no excuse and I’ll

get a dete nti o n un les s I bri n g it in first th ing
in t he mor ni ng , w h i c h i s a bit h arsh !

(H e ’s so bac k i n teac h er mode.)

W it h all t he exc item ent about , I

co mp lete ly fo rg et about th e sch ool concert,
w hic h a p p arently i s

today.
219
I ’m not wo rri ed bec a us e I ’m not in it.

(No c hoir, w h i c h i s a rel i ef. ) Ph ew.

Mrs . Nap i s loo ki ng for

p ut c hairs out i n th e h a l l .
h elpers to

H e lp e rs get to m i s s c la s s,
s o I vol u nteer.

A ll I have to do i s s h ow th e little k id s wh at
to do. h a rd i s th at?

We get a ll th e c h a i rs out w h e n th ey start

to me s s around . I g et and
sugge s t a qui c k g a m e

sing
of mu s ic a l c h a i rs, w h i c h k eeps th em h appy .

song
The re ’s no m us i c — s o I my

“Del ia ’s a Wei rdo.”

220
 a Wa e i r d o
’ s l i
le i a D e s h e 's a
D FR e A K

It s ’ a ll goi ng V ERY wel l . Th e little k id s all

join in a n d s i n g a lo ng w ith me.
“ D e lia , s h e’s a wei rdo !
D e lia , s h e’s a frea k! ” (Very catchy ch orus.)
T he n I s in g th e vers e . . .
221
 an d t hat's w h en M r. Keen pops h is h ead
rou n d t h e doo r to s ee h ow we’re doing.

We a ll p retend to be a rra n ging th e ch airs.

( L itt le kid s lea rn fa s t. )

“That’s a jolly song, Tom,” h e say s.

“ Really, Mr. Keen ?”

“Are you performing in the concert

today?”

“ No, Mr. Ke en . ”

“Why not? You should be! I’ll have a

word with Mrs. Nap to give you a slot
at the end.”

“ No, Mr. Ke en , it’s fi n e. . . . R eally ,

I don ’t wa nt to s i ng . ”

222
“Nonsense, that sounded excellent.
Don’t you agree, children?”

A n d all t he l ittle kid s c h eer a nd say ,

“ YE S! ”
G roa n . . . th at’s ALL I need .
Th i s could b e very
h um i l iati ng .
C orrection. It WILL b e
very h um i l iating.

I do n ’t th i nk M r. Keen
Fool h ea rd a l l the ly rics
to th e
s o n g , eith er.

223
“Are you M AD?
Of cou rs e I don’t wa nt to NO WAY!
p lay in t he sc h ool co nc ert! ”
D e re k s ays .

He t hin k s h ave to plan

t he ir firs t g ig very c a reful ly .

(In ot he r w o rd s, we’re s ti l l a b it rub b ish and

need more practi c e. )

But he does come up with a BRILLIANT

p lan th at w i l l g et m e off th e h ook
a n d s ave m e from serious
h um i l iati o n.

224
T he only good th i n g ab out th e sch ool
co nc e r t is we g et to go h o m e early to
“ p re p are .” ( Eat c a ra m el wafers,
in my c as e .)

M om s ay s,
“ W hat do y ou m ea n th ere’s a sch ool concert
ton ight ? ”

(I forgot to tel l th em . )

“ A n d you ’ re i n it?”

“ Sor t of . . .” I s ay .

M om a n d Dad pla nned to meet D elia’s dodgy

“ b oyfr ie n d ” to night.

“ I ’m not leav i n g th em h ere o n th eir

own , ” Dad s ay s . “Th ey ’l l both h ave
to come to th e co nc ert, too . ”
225
Hh Da,
de lighted !
a! el ia w i l l be
I hate you

A roma nti c n ight out . . .

at my sc hool co nc ert.
S he ’ ll b e s o c ro s s it’s a l m ost worth b eing
in t he concert.
D e re k a nd I run th rough our plan one
la s t t ime o n th e way bac k to sch ool.
It ha s to w o rk o r I ’l l b e stuffed.

B ac k at sc h ool , th e h a l l i s already pack ed

w it h p e op le. M o m a nd Dad s it at th e back ,
w hic h is a rel i ef bec a us e M o m h as on h er
T- s h i rt a nd Dad
is wea ri n g g a rdeni ng gear. Patches

Delia and her “boyfriend” look jolly

( NOT ) .
D e re k a n d I run th rough our plan one last
t ime ( I hope it w o rks ) .

226
 T he light s go dow n a n d th e concert b egins.
Firs t , t he re’s s o m e (s l ightly boring) poetry .

a s b ri g h t .
T h e st a r w b ig f ri g h t .
We g o t a .
T h a t n ig h t

The n we have to s it th rough some songs

a n d, of cou rse, th e ch oir.
Watc h i ng M arcus and
Sol id swaying from side
to s ide i s h ilarious.
A my is ve ry good (of cours e) .

ying
Swa
Th ere’s a play by Year
Th ree. ( Q uite funny .)
A n d a dance by Year Six.

( It’s rub b ish .)

227
T he n Mr. Keen m a kes a s peech ab out wh at a
good te r m it’s been . . .
bla h , bla h , bla h .
A n d I hear h i m tel l i ng E V ERY ONE h ow h e h eard
me s in gin g a n d th ought I s h ould b e in th e
co nc e r t .

It ’s AW F U L . . . I c a n feel my self getting

ner vou s a nd s weaty .

Now it ’s my turn .
Mr. Ke e n a s ks m e w h at my s o ng is called.

“ D' e lia ’s a We i rdo , ' ” I say .

W hic h ma k e s every o n e la ugh . . . apart from

D e lia, w ho’s g i v i ng m e th e E VILS.

228
I s it on th e s tag e a n d c lea r my th roat.
Eve ryo n e i s loo ki n g at m e and waiting.

So I c lea r my th roat ag a i n . . .

an d wait . . .
an d wait . . .

an d s t r u m a l ittle (l i ke I ’m warming up).

(M r. Ke e n i s g la ri n g at m e now.)
So I ’m t hin ki ng I m ight h ave to actually
st ar t s in gin g if Derek’s pla n doesn’t work. . . .

W he n at lo ng last ...

229
 NO
A ERY
iS
V
E
Loud
go
es
O FF
.

Mr.
I
F u l lerm a n tel l s everyone not to panic.
t ’s j u s t t h e
fire
alarm!
We a ll have to leave th e
ha ll s t ra ightaway .

Th e co nc ert i s aba ndoned.

230
 R E S U LT!
D e re k is a G E N IU S !
THU MBS -U P a s we leave sc h ool.
He gives me a

Bette r s t ill . . . Del ia c a n h ea r some little

ch ild re n s in g i ng my s o ng . . .

DEL ird o! DELIA, she’s

IA, she’s a we a FR
EA
K!

S he’s not happy, but her boyfriend is laughing.

He w on ’t b e h er boy fri en d fo r long at th is
rate !
unn
What's f y?

231
M om an d Dad th i nk it’s a sh ame I did n’t
get to do my s o n g . (I do n’t! )

“ Mayb e n ext ti m e, do n ’t w rite ab out y our

sis te r, t hough ,” M o m tel l s m e. “It only upsets
her.” ( EXAC T LY ! )

D ad s ugg es ts w riti n g about someone else

w ho a n noys m e i n s tead .

“ L ik e U nc le Kev i n ,” h e add s.
W hic h mak es m e la ugh .

But Mom is g i v i n g th e E VI L EYE now.

( U h -oh !)

232
W

he n we g et h o m e, Dad a nd I escape to
h i s s h ed to eat h is secret
s ta s h of c a ra mel wafers.
(TR E AT! )

I t ’s t he la s t day of th e term
tomor row . So I M USTN’T FORG ET.

I on ly have to n ight to fi n i s h my review

ho mew or k . (It’s th e la s t th i ng I h ave left
to do.)

I k now , I ’l l rev i ew th e sc h ool concert. Th at

w on ’t t a ke lo n g !
Ju s t eat th e la s t wafer biscuit and wrap
it u p fo r Del ia fi rs t. . . . H a , h a!
A n d d raw a few m o re pictures.

T H E N I ’l l s ta rt my h omework . . . .

233
 . . . . . . . in th e m o rn i n g .

(I ’ ll have LOADS
to do it if I g et up ea rly to m orrow.)
of time

o d id e a .
T h is is a g o

234
 -
Id i ot g
shin
s qu a t
Robo

An
I d io t
(Marcus)
Mr. Ful lerm a n , I ’m
REVI EW hom ew o rk.
SO sorry ab out my

A s you c an s ee I DI D do it.

Let m e ex pla i n .

I wa s on my way to sc h ool wh en I
was followed a n d

attacked
by a VIC IOUS dog.

I defe n ded my s elf w ith th e only th ing I could

t hin k of.

My noteb ook .

236
LU C K I LY I s urv i ved (jus t) .
But my R EVI E W H O M E WOR K d idn’t. . . .

Sorry again. . . .

f i n ally
, T om. w a r d to
ea r for
Oh d looking i n over
a
s
I wa g it. o i t ag
a d i n h a ve d d on’t
re u s t o u
u w ill j h o pe y
Yo eak. let’s
b r e ,
the m e antim aliens
e y
I n t h d u c te d b I A N T S . h a ve.
b G
get
a
k e d by
l i f e you
k ) next
or a
ttac
v e n tful o m ewor
an e h
h a t d y our
W n
y o u (a
See
.
te r m
e r m an
Ful l
Mr.

237
(Result!)

238
 D o g d roo l

My Review
By Tom Gates

Vici
ous
tee
th
mar
ks

l
oo
dr
g
do
re
Mo The End
WARN
(BEAI
DY E
YE ALE NG!
RT . .
.)
AG
GH!

Turn over for

something nicer
W A F E R S

E R S
W A F
me ga
s t ron g
b ug
How to d raw my g rum py s i ster D elia

1. Draw th i s
sh ape.

2. Th en h e r
glasses . . .

3. Color t h em i n .
4. Ears . . . ( eve n t h ough
sh e doesn't LI S TEN ) .
Add h er
man ky h a i r . . .

5. . . . an d add a g loo m
c loud . . . .
When Liz was little, she loved to draw, paint and
make things. Her mum used to say she was very good
at making a mess (which is still true today!).
She kept drawing and went to art school — leaving
with a BA in Graphic Design — to find her first job as a
designer and art director at Jive Records U.K. She went
freelance and her illustration work began to be used on
a wide variety of products, which led to her first picture
books and writing her own stories. Tom Gates is the
first series of books Liz has written and illustrated for
older children. They have won several prestigious awards,
including the Roald Dahl Funny Prize, the Waterstones
Children’s Book Prize and the Blue Peter Book Award.
The books have also been translated into over 33
languages worldwide. Liz works in a nice cozy shed in
her garden and lives in (mostly) sunny Brighton with her
husband and three (not so little any more) children. She
doesn’t have a pet but she does have lots of squirrels
in the garden that eat everything in sight (including her
tulip bulbs, which is annoying).

Coming soon!
Tom Gates: Excellent Excuses (and other good stuff)
Tom Gates: Everything’s Amazing (Sort of)