Surviving to Transform:

Six Cases of Gay Men Who Experienced Adult Rape and Their Learning Towards

Post-Traumatic Growth

Steven David Torres

Submitted in partial fulfillment of the

requirements for the Degree of Doctor of Education in
Teachers College, Columbia University

2022
 © 2022
Steven David Torres
All Rights Reserved
 Abstract
Surviving to Transform:

Six Cases of Gay Men Who Experienced Adult Rape and Their Learning Towards

Post-Traumatic Growth

Steven David Torres

The #MeToo movement was established as a grassroots initiative in Brooklyn by Tarana

Burke, as a way to bring awareness to the commonality of sexual violence towards African

American women. Despite the awareness brought by the movement, it was virtually not

inclusive of men who have experienced sexual violence. This study intends to provide educators

an understanding of this phenomenon, as well as provide practitioners, scholars, and

organizations supporting gay male rape survivors a qualitative perspective beneficial to

enhance support systems in order to foster post-traumatic growth. This study answered

questions of how participants described their experience of having been raped; how learning

revealed itself during the participants’ journey towards post-traumatic growth; and what

factors participants described that helped and/or hindered their ability to manage the

experience, learn, and develop towards post-traumatic growth. Six individual in-depth cases are

presented; each participating in a two-hour interview. Using Lifelines and Nohl’s (2015) five

phase analysis of the unfolding of deep learning over time, this study demonstrated that

Transformative Learning revealed itself throughout each of these cases. As described by

O’Sullivan et al. (2002), Transformative learning is “[an] experiencing [of] a deep, structural shift

in the basic premises of thought, feeling, and actions. It is a shift of consciousness that

dramatically and permanently alters our way of being in the world. Such a shift involves our
understanding of ourselves and our self-locations; our relationships with other humans and

with the natural world; our understanding of relations of power in interlocking structures of

class, race, and gender; our body-awareness; our visions of alternative approaches to living; and

our sense of the possibilities for social justice and peace and personal joy.” The study provides

insight into the various systems and social relationships that help and/or hinder the

interviewees’ learning experience, as well as how they managed their lives along the way.

Moreover, this study demonstrates that Transformative Learning can take over 20-years, as

well as that the process requires recalibration after encountering obstacles as learners

journeyed towards post-traumatic growth.

 Table of Contents

List of Tables ................................................................................................................................... vi

List of Figures ................................................................................................................................. vii
Acknowledgments......................................................................................................................... viii
Dedication ........................................................................................................................................ x

CHAPTER I – PROBLEM AND PURPOSE OF STUDY .......................................................................... 1

Gender Constructs .............................................................................................................. 4
Support Systems (or Lack Thereof) ..................................................................................... 4
Implications for Learning .................................................................................................... 6
Transformative Learning ......................................................................................... 6
Post-Traumatic Growth and Agency ....................................................................... 8
Research Purpose and Research Questions ..................................................................... 10
Research Questions .............................................................................................. 11
Research Design Overview................................................................................................ 11
Research Perspectives ...................................................................................................... 12
Assumptions of the Study ................................................................................................. 13
Rationale and Significance ................................................................................................ 14
Definition of Terms ........................................................................................................... 14

CHAPTER II – LITERATURE REVIEW ............................................................................................... 16

Trauma and the Internal Repercussions of Gay Male Rape ............................................. 17
Gender Identity as a Perspective Lens.............................................................................. 20
Queer Theory as a Perspective Lens ..................................................................... 21
Potential for Learning, Meaning Making, and Development ........................................... 23
Transformative Learning ....................................................................................... 24
Fostering Potential Learning ................................................................................. 29
Post-Traumatic Growth......................................................................................... 31
Agency ................................................................................................................... 32
Conceptual Framework ..................................................................................................... 34

CHAPTER III – METHODOLOGIES .................................................................................................. 36

Research Design ................................................................................................................ 36
Sampling................................................................................................................ 37
Data Collection Structure.................................................................................................. 38
Interviews.............................................................................................................. 39
Field Setting and Consent Procedures .................................................................. 41
Confidentiality and Data Storage .......................................................................... 41
Bracketing and Memo Writing.............................................................................. 42
Data Analysis ..................................................................................................................... 43
First-cycle Coding .................................................................................................. 44

i
Chapter III (continued)
Second-cycle Coding ............................................................................................. 45
Inter-rater Reliability.................................................................................... 45
The ORID Framework ................................................................................... 46
Lifelines ........................................................................................................ 47
Validity Issues and Limitations of the Study ..................................................................... 47
Summary ........................................................................................................................... 48

Chapter IV: FINDINGS.................................................................................................................... 50

Presentation of Participants ............................................................................................. 50
Dev ........................................................................................................................ 51
Objective Data.............................................................................................. 52
Queer Identity and Management ....................................................... 52
The Incident ........................................................................................ 53
Seeking and Avoiding Support ............................................................ 54
Strategies and Management............................................................... 55
Reflective Data ............................................................................................. 56
Shame ................................................................................................. 56
Guilt and Self-Blame ........................................................................... 57
Psychological Implications .................................................................. 58
Interpretive Data.......................................................................................... 58
A Hypersexual Community ................................................................. 59
Body Image and Social Connection..................................................... 59
Secondary Victimization ..................................................................... 61
Decisional Data ............................................................................................ 62
Changes in Behavior and Perspective ................................................. 62
Dev’s Final Thoughts .................................................................................... 64
Chris ...................................................................................................................... 64
Objective Data.............................................................................................. 65
Gay Identity, Coming Out, and First Sexual Assault............................ 65
Balancing Act and Making Connections.............................................. 67
The Incident ........................................................................................ 68
Seeking and Avoiding Support, Alcoholism, and Risky Behavior ........ 69
HIV Contraction ................................................................................... 70
Reflective Data ............................................................................................. 71
Disconnection and Self-Blame ............................................................ 71
Psychological Implications .................................................................. 72
Interpretive Data.......................................................................................... 73
Sex and Body Image as Validation ...................................................... 73
Internalized Homophobia ................................................................... 74
Decisional Data ............................................................................................ 74
Becoming Sober .................................................................................. 74
Chris’s Final Thoughts .................................................................................. 75

ii
Chapter IV (continued)
Jacob ..................................................................................................................... 76
Objective Data.............................................................................................. 76
Queer Identity ..................................................................................... 76
The Incident ........................................................................................ 77
HIV Testing .......................................................................................... 78
Seeking and Avoiding Support ............................................................ 78
Changes, Distractions, and Alcoholism ............................................... 79
Reflective Data ............................................................................................. 80
Becoming Withdrawn, Feeling Violated, and Self-Blame ................... 80
Interpretive Data.......................................................................................... 81
Recognizing a Change in His Identity .................................................. 81
Issues with Body Image....................................................................... 82
Change in Sexual Behavior as a Result of Incident ............................. 82
Decisional Data ............................................................................................ 83
Recognizing the Importance of Consent and Resilience .................... 83
Perspective Change on Gay Rights and Identity ................................. 84
Jacob’s Final Thoughts ................................................................................. 84
Daniel .................................................................................................................... 85
Objective Data.............................................................................................. 86
Gay Identity, Religion, and Family ...................................................... 86
Group Therapy and Being Groomed ................................................... 87
The Incident ........................................................................................ 88
Lack of Support ................................................................................... 89
Alcoholism and Suicide ....................................................................... 90
Reflective Data ............................................................................................. 91
Self-Perception Prior to the Incident .................................................. 91
Reactions During and After the Incident ............................................ 91
Psychological Implications and Reactions .......................................... 92
Interpretive Data.......................................................................................... 92
Rationale for Lack of Support ............................................................. 93
Associating Life Impact with the Incident ........................................... 93
Decisional Data ............................................................................................ 93
Making Room for Growth and Helping Others ................................... 93
Daniel’s Final Thoughts ................................................................................ 94
Cameron ................................................................................................................ 95
Objective Data.............................................................................................. 95
Queer Identity and Abusive Relationship ........................................... 96
The Incident ........................................................................................ 96
Seeking Support .................................................................................. 97
Obsession with HIV ............................................................................. 98
Reflective Data ............................................................................................. 99
Outer Body Experience and Disconnection ........................................ 99
Self-Blame and Hiding ......................................................................... 99
iii
Chapter IV (continued)
Interpretive Data........................................................................................ 100
Perception of Gay Community.......................................................... 100
Feeling Empowered .......................................................................... 101
Decisional Data .......................................................................................... 102
Embracing Their Gender ................................................................... 102
Change in Mindset ............................................................................ 103
Cameron’s Final Thoughts ......................................................................... 104
Enrique ................................................................................................................ 104
Objective Data............................................................................................ 105
Coming Out and Queer Mentorship ................................................. 105
The Incident ...................................................................................... 106
Reflective Data ........................................................................................... 107
Initial Reactions................................................................................. 107
Perception of the Gay Community ................................................... 107
Understanding What Happened Turned to Anger ........................... 108
Blaming for Decisions........................................................................ 108
Interpretive Data........................................................................................ 109
Normalization of Rape ...................................................................... 109
Mixed Feelings about the Encounter ................................................ 109
Decisional Data .......................................................................................... 110
Feeling More Confident and in Control ............................................ 110
Learning to be Supportive................................................................. 111
Enrique’s Final Thoughts ............................................................................ 111

Chapter V – DATA ANALYSIS AND DISCUSSION .......................................................................... 113

Participant Demographics............................................................................................... 113
Lifelines ........................................................................................................................... 124
Dev’s Lifeline ....................................................................................................... 125
Chris’s Lifeline ..................................................................................................... 127
Jacob’s Lifeline .................................................................................................... 129
Daniel’s Lifeline ................................................................................................... 131
Cameron’s Lifeline .............................................................................................. 133
Enrique’s Lifeline ................................................................................................. 135
Agency………………………………............................................................................................ 137
Cross-Case Analysis ......................................................................................................... 138
HIV Testing and Medical Assistance ................................................................... 138
Seeking Support for Friends................................................................................ 139
Seeking Mental Health Assistance ...................................................................... 140
Alcoholism ........................................................................................................... 140
Experiential Avoidance ....................................................................................... 141
Internalized Homophobia ................................................................................... 142
Discussion…………………... ................................................................................................. 143
Conclusion ....................................................................................................................... 149
iv
Chapter V (continued)
Recommendations .......................................................................................................... 151
HIV Testing Centers............................................................................................. 151
Awareness of Gay Male Rape ............................................................................. 151
Fostering Transformational Learning Towards Post-Traumatic Growth ............ 152
Future Research .................................................................................................. 152
Epilogue…………………………………................................................................................................... 154

References .................................................................................................................................. 158

APPENDICES
Appendix A IRB Application .................................................................................................... 164
Appendix B Interview Informed Consent ............................................................................... 174
Appendix C Social Media Posting ........................................................................................... 178
Appendix D Interview Protocol .............................................................................................. 179
Appendix E Participant Resource ........................................................................................... 181
Appendix F Findings ORID Structure ...................................................................................... 182
Appendix G Coding Scheme.................................................................................................... 183
Appendix H Recruitment Flyer ............................................................................................... 190

v
 List of Tables

Table

1 King’s LGBTQ TL Model and Mezirow’s Ten-Step Alignment ........................................... 26

2 Bandura’s Four Core Properties and Kohl’s Five Phases of Transformative

Learning Alignment ........................................................................................................... 33

3 Structure of Interview and Alignment .............................................................................. 40

4 Data Collection Description and Timeline ........................................................................ 41

5 Participant Demographics............................................................................................... 114

6 Participant Religious and/or Spiritual Identity Before and After Incident ..................... 116

7 Queer Theory Identity..................................................................................................... 121

8 Gender and Sexual Identity ............................................................................................ 124

9 Cross-Examination of Agency Among Participant Experiences ...................................... 137

vi
 List of Figures

Figure

1 Conceptual Framework ..................................................................................................... 35

2 Participant Breakdown by Race ...................................................................................... 114

3 Participant Breakdown by Age at Time of Incident ........................................................ 115

4 Religion/Spiritual Identities at Time of Incidents ........................................................... 117

5 Religion/Spiritual Identities after the Incidents.............................................................. 118

6 Religion/Spiritual Change Comparison ........................................................................... 119

7 Queer Theory Identity Prior to Incident ......................................................................... 122

8 Queer Theory Identity After Incident ............................................................................. 123

9 Dev’s Lifeline ................................................................................................................... 126

10 Chris’s Lifeline ................................................................................................................. 128

11 Jacob’s Lifeline ................................................................................................................ 130

12 Daniel’s Lifeline ............................................................................................................... 132

13 Cameron’s Lifeline .......................................................................................................... 134

14 Enrique’s Lifeline ............................................................................................................. 136

15 HIV Testing ...................................................................................................................... 138

16 Seeking Support from Friends ........................................................................................ 139

17 Seeking Mental Health Assistance .................................................................................. 140

18 Participant Alcoholism .................................................................................................... 141

19 Experiential Avoidance ................................................................................................... 142

20 Internalized Homophobia ............................................................................................... 143

vii
 Acknowledgements

I admit that I never fully understood the phrase, “It takes a village.” I have often heard it

when one completes a milestone, and attributes their success to a system of family, friends,

mentors, and other support. Now that I am coming to the end of this long journey filled with

smiles, laughs, tears, and remarkable growth, I can say that the phrase makes complete sense

First, and foremost, I want to express my gratitude to my parents, Meche and Luis. My

mother has been a soundboard for me the past several years and for that I am eternally

grateful. My father has been a pillar of support that I recognize and am beyond appreciative.

To my sister, Charlye, I appreciate your support during this journey.

To Pattie Johnston, thank you for showing me mentorship and your friendship. It

allowed me to challenge myself and achieve greatness I had only imagined.

To Yvonne Franco, our conversations and allowing me to recognize my ability to

complete this was more valuable than you will ever know.

To my roommates, Carter and Landan, thank you for your support and giving me space

to reflect on this journey.

To my longtime friend, Tamara Mulembo, watching each other grow over the last 21

years has been quite an adventure, and I am grateful for our friendship.

To my dissertation partner-in-crime, Francine Fabricant, our conversations over this

dissertation journey have demonstrated the power of peer coaching and mentorship.

To Conor, thank you for your kindness and patience with me during this journey. I know

it was not easy.

viii
 To Dr. Maltbia, I am forever grateful that you took me under your wing and taught me

important lessons and skills needed to navigate my academic and professional life. Your lessons

are invaluable.

To my advisor, Dr. Victoria Marsick, I thank you for your guidance through this

emotional study. I am eternally grateful.

To Dr. Bitterman, thank you for always reminding me that I am needed in the field. Your

words helped me navigate this journey.

To my family, including Abuelo Santana, Titi Lizzette, Titi Iraida, Tio Bibi, Titi Ines, and

Cristina, thank you for your continued support throughout this journey. I hope to make you

proud.

To my late grandmothers, Abuela Mercedes and Abuelita Elvira. The light of your

candles guided me through this journey.

For anyone I may have missed, please know that it was not my intention to forget your

support. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Finally, to the participants, Dev, Chris, Jacob, Daniel, Cameron, and Enrique, thank you

for your vulnerability and willingness to participate in this study. Your stories will help others

more than you will ever know.

S. D. T.

ix
 Dedication

This study is dedicated to survivors of gay male rape.

You are not alone.

x
 CHAPTER I: PROBLEM AND PURPOSE OF STUDY

Since its beginning within Girls for Gender Equality, a grassroots organization in

Downtown Brooklyn founded by Tarana Burke, the “#MeToo” movement has engulfed

American society’s social media platforms, making way for increased awareness of sexual

violence and harassment against women (Brockes, 2018). The movement, while initially focused

on racial minority women, specifically the African American/Black demographic, has inevitably

united women from all demographics and ways of life, including sexual minorities (i.e., bisexual

and lesbian identities). Various actors, including Alyssa Milano, pushed for this movement in

the wake of the Harvey Weinstein scandal, in which he was accused of sexually assaulting and

harassing a multitude of women who trusted the now disgraced Hollywood producer.

Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram have become a virtual anthology of women’s stories

of sexual violence and harassment, while uniting them with the simple hashtag, “#MeToo.” The

movement created a space for women to talk to one another, learn from one another, and

demonstrate to those unfamiliar with the phenomenon an opportunity to develop an

understanding of how pervasive sexual harassment and assault are. It brought to the surface

the inappropriate, dangerous, and heartbreaking objectification of women within our society.

The movement touched international bases, igniting a global dialogue about this concerning

topic. Furthermore, it demonstrated the resilience of the human spirit because of such

vulnerability.

It is without argument that most sexual violence involves a female victim and a male

perpetrator. However, while “#MeToo” is an admirable and profound movement, the

conversation of male sexual assault and harassment is still minimal in public spaces. In 2010,

1
approximately 26% of gay men, 37% of bisexual men, and 29% of heterosexual men have

experienced rape and/or domestic violence within their lifetime (Black et al., 2010). While

heterosexual male rape reporting had been higher than rating for their counterparts, the

statistics for those experiencing an alternative form of sexual violence (i.e., groping) has been

significantly greater: 40% of gay men and 47% of bisexual men, versus 21% of heterosexual men

(Jackson et al., 2017). In 2018, the National Sexual Violence Resource Center disclosed that 1 in

4 men experience some form of sexual violence in their lifetime (Smith et al., 2018).

Furthermore, it was disclosed that the total fiscal impact of this was $122,461 per person, as a

result of mental health and medical costs and loss of productivity.

The definition of rape, per the U.S. Department of Justice (USDOJ, 2017), is “the

penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral

penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” This language

falls under the overarching term of sexual assault, which is defined as any nonconsensual

sexual act, including groping and harassment. Another construct of rape that has gained more

attention recently is stealthing, the removal of the condom without consent (Davis, 2019).

Sigurvinsdottir and Ullman (2015) expressed how sexual minorities have a higher rate of

experiencing sexual violence because of homophobic attitudes. In 2011, it was estimated that

out of 3,162 hate crimes against sexual minorities, 3% involved some sort of sexual violence,

including rape.

Like any social phenomena, studies have explored the various causes of sexual violence,

answering who, what, when, and why. As a result, while concretizing the notion that sexual

violence is more prevalent among female victims and male perpetrators, it also demonstrates

2
that across various genders and orientations, there are various influences on the cause of

sexual violence. The combination of factors includes neurobiology, resources, social

constructs/norms, and the need for dominance and power (Turchik et al., 2016).

In recent years, the research on sexual violence has been focused on the relationships

and incidents among female victims and male perpetrators. Several assumptions provide a

rationale for why the rate of women self-reporting is 24%, in contrast to 11% of male self-

reporting survivors (Turchik et al., 2016). The most recent studies on the topic of sexual

violence have formed theoretical frameworks that exclude male sexual violence experiences, as

the numbers set the assumption that male rape/assault is virtually non-existent. Furthermore,

studies have implied that studying female victim/male perpetrator cases should alone provide

the outlet to understanding this phenomenon. However, despite the numbers, the concerns for

the health (i.e., Human Immunodeficiency Virus [HIV]) and the physical and psychological safety

of male victims have rapidly grown (Rothman et al., 2011).

Gay men suffer from marginalization, as anti-LGBTQ+ sentiments are still prominent in

society. When dealing with sexual assault, these men must not only confront anti-LGBTQ+

attitudes, but also navigate them with minimal support for male victims. Based on the limited

current research, it is safe to say that not enough is known about how the experience of being

raped affects the lives and well-being of gay men, what strategies help or hinder the

experience, and what learning emerges from the overall experience.

3
 Gender Constructs

Gay men are often viewed as contradicting masculine constructs and other gender-

based prescriptions. As a result, they are more prone to not reporting their rape, as it would

jeopardize others’ perception of their masculinity (Dunn, 2012; Javaid, 2017). Support centers

and societal constructs provide deeper support for female victims, including, but not limited to,

training, language, and use of imagery (Davies, 2002; Walker et al., 2005). Sadly, many centers

focused on offering support to rape victims only concentrate on serving female populations;

thus, they are not prepared to assist men in similar situations (Javaid, 2016).

Given the minimal research on male rape, one may assume that rape is a crime only

happening to women. This notion aligns with the hypermasculine myth that only women get

raped and that “men cannot be raped” (Davies, 2002). To expand on this ideology, others may

view the rape of a man as less severe than the rape of a woman. It is because of this those men

using these concepts to blame themselves frequently for their rape may be statistically high

(Davies, 2002). These ideologies and social constructs have implicated legal reform and pushed

to create better support for women, while marginalizing male victims. These obstacles provide

a rationale for a gender-inclusive approach to support (Turchik et al., 2016).

Support Systems (or Lack Thereof)

Research has demonstrated that male victims do not receive the services they require

towards recovery from sexual violence (Javaid, 2016). Given the probability of being raped by

dates or intimate partners, homosexual men may have a higher potential risk for rape than

their heterosexual counterparts (Walker et al., 2005). Gay men suffer from double

marginalization, as anti-LGBTQ+ sentiments are still prominent in society, as is the concept

4
“Men don’t get raped.” Possibly because of the prevalence of anti-LGBTQ+ attitudes, there is

minimal support for male victims of rape. This lack of support systems can, in part, be

attributed to low disclosure rates among this demographic. In some cases where there is

disclosure, there has been a higher chance of mislabeling the actual event. For instance, the

victim might report what is a rape, but it will be coded as domestic violence (Jackson et al.,

2017).

When exploring the opportunities to enhance support for sexual minorities, there has

been an overarching theme: Secondary Victimization. Secondary Victimization occurs when

victims feel as though they are being victimized all over again by the professionals who are

supposed to offer support (Jackson et al., 2017). As men approach places of safety, including

medical centers, law enforcement, or other presumed “safe” spaces, it has been found that

they encounter professionals who are not equipped to provide quality, compassionate, person-

centered, and well-informed care (Campbell et al., 2009). It was reported that many of the men

were encouraged to not disclose their assault experience to others outside of the care setting,

as it may potentially cause professional or social consequences. This stems from lack of

understanding of demographic backgrounds, including cultural norms, as well as bias based on

“rape myths” or homophobic attitudes. The notion of Secondary Victimization includes a micro-

aggressive, victim-blaming attitude or behavior towards this demographic, thus placing the

victim in a position of revictimization (Jackson et al., 2017). These behaviors could potentially

obstruct the survivors’ future development, their learning, as well as their ability to regain their

sense of agency.

As these circumstances impede the victims’ psychological and physiological well-being,

5
it is important to recognize the need for safety. Therefore, it is essential to provide learning

opportunities for victims and practitioners in which they can challenge assumptions and biases.

Part of this process includes the need to engage within a safe space to name the problem

(Herman, 1992). For example, a victim should be able to approach a practitioner and say, “I

have been assaulted,” without feeling judgment or a lack of being heard. The road to recovery

is difficult and filled with social challenges and assumptions.

Herman (1992) provided an insight into trauma by emphasizing that each trauma

diagnosis is triaged in accordance with the event and the victims’ needs. Furthermore, the

victims are not the only parties needing support. Studies have shown that there is also a need

to provide support to the survivors’ inner-circle, including friends and family, to help them

manage their anger, grief, and confusion around the situation (Davies, 2002). As outlined,

gender, hypermasculinity, and social constructs infiltrate this experience by providing different

layers to this human tragedy. The literature points in one direction: the need for gender-

inclusion and understanding as well as the support for learning and development after such a

violent act.

Implications for Learning

Learning is the “process where knowledge is created through transformation of

experience” (Kolb, 1984). As with any human phenomenon, there is the potential for learning,

meaning making, and a shift in personal, societal, and/or global understanding in the context of

rape. Because of this, there is an assumption that understanding Transformative Learning, and

the various components involved, could be leveraged to foster the victims’ learning and

meaning making of the experience. However, provided that the learning which exists has the

6
potential not to be transformative, understanding Learning from Experience theories is just as

crucial, if not essential, within the experience of rape.

Transformative Learning

With the need for sensitivity to the multifaceted levels of male assault (whether

homosexual or heterosexual), the researcher assumed that Transformative Learning provides a

construct for victims of rape to obtain post-traumatic growth. Post-traumatic growth occurs

when one experiences positive benefits as a result of a substantial negative life event (Hoggan,

2014). O’Sullivan et al. (2002) comprehensively defined Transformative Learning as

[an] experiencing [of] a deep, structural shift in the basic premises of thought, feeling,
and actions. It is a shift of consciousness that dramatically and permanently alters our
way of being in the world. Such a shift involves our understanding of ourselves and our
self-locations; our relationships with other humans and with the natural world; our
understanding of relations of power in interlocking structures of class, race, and gender;
our body-awareness; our visions of alternative approaches to living; and our sense of
the possibilities for social justice and peace and personal joy.

Based on his study of women returning to higher education, Mezirow developed 10 steps

towards Transformative Learning (Mezirow & Taylor, 2009). The theory in simplistic terms

involves the challenging, reassessment, and shifting of one’s belief system after the experience

of a disorienting dilemma.

This approach has provided a generic formula to fostering Transformative Learning.

Over the years, academics from all over the world have provided insight and, in some cases,

developed frameworks that are recommended for various populations. For instance, King

(2003) proposed a Transformative Learning framework aligned with the LGBTQ+ management

of understanding one’s sexual identity.

7
 Despite the alignment of King’s framework to the demographic of this study, it is

important to apply a framework that is appropriate when fostering Transformative Learning

during the experience of rape. The experience of rape is complex and does not stop with the

actual act of violence. Rather, the experience of rape has potential to be extensive when

referring to time as well as its physiological and psychological impacts. For the purpose of this

study, Nohl’s (2015) Five Phases of the Transformation Process has provided the framework to

understanding how Transformative Learning potentially reveals itself during the participant’s

journey to post-traumatic growth. Nohl’s Five Phases of the Transformation Process include:

1. The Nondetermining Start,

2. Phase of Experimental and Undirected Inquiry,

3. Phase of Social Testing and Mirroring,

4. Phase of Shifting Relevance, and

5. Phase of Social Consolidation and Reinterpretation of Biography.

A significant factor for the use of this framework is that it recognizes that what Mezirow

referred to as the disorienting dilemma can happen later in the Transformative Learning

process. However, this framework still fosters Transformative Learning by promoting critical

reflection and the development of a course of action.

Post-Traumatic Growth and Agency

Post-traumatic growth occurs when a person acquires positive benefits as an outcome

of a considerably negative life event (Hoggan, 2014). As a result of Transformative Learning,

one’s paradigm shift and gaining a positive perspective on themselves and the world around

them could be perceived as post-traumatic growth. As previously mentioned, rape is about

8
power and dominance over a victim. As a result, the dominance of the perpetrator removes

one’s sense of agency. This is not only within the act of rape, but it has lasting effects on victims

throughout their experience towards post-traumatic growth.

Agency by definition is the act of conditioning and/or exerting one’s power (Merriam-

Webster, 2019a). This can be perceived to be a simple dynamic. However, the psychological

implications are complex, and recognizing this is imperative to understand the survivor’s state

of mind. To move towards agency after an experience of being dominated, one must have a

grasp and/or influence on the functioning of their everyday lives (Bandura, 2006). With this in

mind, Bandura outlined four core properties to understanding agency:

1. Intentionality – This is the development of strategies and action plans with the

intent on using them. This aligns with Nohl’s Phase of Experimental and Undirected

Inquiry and Phase of Social Testing and Mirroring.

2. Forethought – This is the establishment of motivators and goals, when one develops

a cognitive representation of their future. This is multifaceted and could align with

Nohl’s Phase of Experimental and Undirected Inquiry, Phase of Social Testing and

Mirroring, and Phase of Shifting Relevance.

3. Self-Reactiveness – This is the implementation of strategies and action plans. This

demonstrates that the learner has ownership of the situation and is progressing

rather than remaining stagnant. This core property aligns with Nohl’s Phase of

Experimental and Undirected Inquiry and Phase of Social Testing and Mirroring.

4. Self-Reflectiveness – This core property of agency is the learners’ ability to recognize

their personal efficacy and develop a sense of self-awareness. As a result, this

9
 property can be found throughout all of Nohl’s five phases for transformative

learning.

These four core properties support the need to develop better support systems that will guide

survivors towards post-traumatic growth. Furthermore, the core properties and alignment with

Nohl’s Five Phases of Transformative Learning demonstrate how fostering transformative

learning could provide a space to regain agency, thus implicating post-traumatic growth.

Research Purpose and Research Questions

The purpose of this study was to address multiple gaps in understanding the gay male

rape experience; the knowledge about the frequency of gay male rape; whether the support

provided towards recovery is adequate; the role learning plays in recovery; and if such learning

can be understood as transformative and contributing towards post-traumatic growth. This

study explored the experience of six participants who identified as gay men when raped in

adulthood by a non-domestic assailant, with whom the participants had minimum to no

familiarity, in a space they anticipated as being safe. Some qualifications applied to the sample,

e.g., experiences of gay men who have experienced rape while incarcerated are not included.

This exploratory qualitative case study addressed the lack of knowledge of the gay male

experience; how this experience impacts their functioning (personally, socially, professionally,

and/or academically); how they make sense of the experience; what they learn; and whether

the learning can be characterized as transformative in ways that foster their post-traumatic

growth. It was intended that this study provide practitioners, scholars, and organizations

supporting sexual violence survivors with an understanding on how to enhance and/or develop

10
better support systems for gay men who have experienced rape in adulthood, and to

potentially help them learn in ways that contribute to post-traumatic growth.

Research Questions

The following questions were structured to gain knowledge about adult gay men who

have experienced rape:

1. How do participants describe their experience of having been raped?

2. How does learning reveal itself during the participants’ journey towards post-

traumatic growth?

3. What factors do participants describe helped and/or hindered their ability to

manage the experience, learn, and develop towards post-traumatic growth?

Research Design Overview

With consideration for the delicate nature of this topic, the researcher used the utmost

sensitivity when collecting data. This study was an exploratory qualitative case study, which

explored the experience of gay men raped in adulthood, the potential revelation of

Transformative Learning during their journey towards post-traumatic growth, and the factors

that helped/and or hindered the process.

A case study is a research tradition that consists of studying a problem within a specific

bounded system (Creswell, 2007). Provided that this study focused on how learning potentially

reveals itself within the boundaries of gay men’s perspective, it demonstrated the need to

conduct a case study. This study focused on the experiences of six participants who have

identified as gay adult males who havebeen raped in adulthood by an unknown assailant in a

space they perceived as safe. The data collection included a 2-hour interview, following a

11
protocol. Embedded in the protocol was a practice outlined by Brookfield (2013), known as The

Letter to a Second Self. The protocol was reviewed by six mental health professionals to ensure

that it was appropriate and potentially triggering was not included. Their areas of expertise

included substance abuse, sexual assault, and other adult trauma. The data collection protocol

included the following structure:

1. Participant Experience,

2. Participant Management of Experience, and

3. Participant Learning and Meaning Making.

Understanding that men are uncomfortable with reporting or discussing their experience with

rape and/or sexual assault as it goes against masculine social norms (Javaid, 2017), this

sequence provided a step-by-step procedure that could potentially fill in the gaps of the

participants’ perspectives.

Researcher Perspectives

On June 2nd, 2016, the researcher was a victim of rape by an unknown assailant at a

nightclub. This was a place he perceived to be safe, given its status as a safe space for LGBTQ+

people to engage in fun, drinking, and dancing. Shortly after the incident, he yearned for stories

similar to his own. He had hoped to find the answers to questions, particularly the strategies

men used to help manage such a painful experience. However, despite a concerted effort,

comparable stories are virtually nonexistent.

As a survivor of rape reminiscing on his own experience, the researcher wished to

collect and share the stories of these men. Despite the passing of 5 years since this incident, he

recognized that he is still growing and learning to manage his own experience of rape. It is

12
because of this that understanding trauma and its impact on adult learning and development

has become his calling. As an openly gay Puerto Rican man, he has learned from his own

struggles and, therefore, has made it his life mission to assist underserved, underprivileged, and

silenced demographics.

Throughout his journey, the researcher recognized the importance of not only being an

advocate and activist but also providing a space where one can learn to be an advocate and

activist for oneself. Challenging societal oppression and assumptions is important, but so is

challenging one’s assumptions of oneself. The researcher’s hope is that this work provides

greater recognition that this form of violence happens more often than expected, and should

be openly discussed, despite going against the constructs of hypermasculinity.

Assumptions of the Study

The researcher assumed that hypermasculinity and minimized discussion of sexual

violence within our society may prevent men from feeling free to discuss what they have

experienced in the context of rape. Aligning with this assumption, one might conclude that this

could well extend a timeline towards post-traumatic growth, as support systems for gay men

going through this experience are minimal. Consequently, the experience of rape likely impacts

the victims of male rape—emotionally, socially, academically, and/or professionally.

Furthermore, racial, cultural, and ethnic implications, including homophobic sentiments, could

also provide tighter constraints to their well-being. Furthermore, Mezirow (2009) supported the

concept that traumatic events could act as a catalyst for transformative learning, as there is

“little doubt” that such events would evoke such a paradigm shift.

13
 Rationale and Significance

The rationale for this study was to provide a qualitative research perspective into the

experience of male rape within the gay community, the potential learning involved, and factors

that helped and/or hindered learning during the process. This study was meant to enhance the

understanding of the survivors’ possible development and learning, as well as the various

factors that helped and/or hindered them towards post-traumatic growth. The results of this

study will provide qualitative insight into the experience of gay male rape, its prevalence, and

its potential learning and strategy development. The findings are intended for practitioners,

scholars, and organizations supporting sexual assault survivors to gain a more comprehensive

perspective into this crisis and increase their efficacy. Therefore, the outcomes of this study

could theoretically be used to enhance and/or develop support systems for male rape survivors

that could act as a catalyst to potential post-traumatic growth.

Definition of Terms

1. Gay Adult Male - An adult who identifies as a male who is attracted sexually and

romantically solely to other men.

2. Learning – The process of developing knowledge through the transformation of

experience (Kolb, 1984).

3. LGBTQ+ - Abbreviation to represent sexual minorities including Lesbian, Gay,

Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer. The “plus” is a designated to represent additional

communities, including Pansexual, Asexual, and other sexual minorities.

14
4. Rape – “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body

part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the

consent of the victim” (USDOJ, 2017).

5. Post-Traumatic Growth – When one experiences positive benefits as a result of a

substantial negative life event (Hoggan, 2014).

6. Stealthing – The nonconsensual removal of a condom (Davis, 2019).

7. Transformative Learning – This term is defined as

[an] experiencing [of] a deep, structural shift in the basic premises of thought,
feeling, and actions. It is a shift of consciousness that dramatically and permanently
alters our way of being in the world. Such a shift involves our understanding of
ourselves and our self-locations; our relationships with other humans and with the
natural world: our understanding of relations of power in interlocking structures of
class, race, and gender; our body-awareness; our visions of alternative approaches
to living; and our sense of the possibilities for social justice and peace and personal
joy. (O’Sullivan et al., 2002)

8. Trauma – “A disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from severe mental or

emotional stress or physical injury” (Merriam-Webster, 2019c).

15
 CHAPTER II: LITERATURE REVIEW

The research and literature on gay men’s experience of any form of sexual violence, let

alone rape, are minimal. The current state of the literature reveals the need to expand

exploration on this topic and how toxic masculinity suppresses reporting and support. The

purpose of this study was to explore gay men’s experiences of rape in adulthood; how, if at all,

learning emerges within that experience and whether it was transformative; as well as what

strategies helped and/or hindered victims’/survivors’ experience towards post-traumatic

growth. With these considerations, as one develops an understanding of the research problem

outlined in Chapter I, it can be assumed that there will be an emphasis on the gay identity of

the victim/survivor, and how it implicates their potential successful or unsuccessful journey

towards post-traumatic growth. However, given this purpose and the holistic implications of

learning and transformation, this study also provided insight into a much greater web of

complexity. Because of this, the following literature review is comprised of various topics to

demonstrate the multiple of layers within the experience of gay male rape. These topics are

within a conceptual framework where trauma is rooted at the core of the overall experience.

Metaphorically speaking, this framework demonstrates a ripple effect, where the trauma seeps

into the life of the victim/survivor and is impacted by their identity and worldview. From that

point, it transitions into the development and learning (including reflection, strategies, and

meaning making) of the experience, with hope that it promotes post-traumatic growth.

With this construct in mind, the following review begins by briefly exploring trauma and

its effects on the body and mind, including but not limited to physical and emotional

functioning. Following the exploration of trauma is an examination of identity by diving into the

16
post-modernist component of Queer Theory. This helps to discern how gay men see and

involve themselves within the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer (LGBTQ+)

community. Moving from trauma and identity, the review presents an outline of

Transformative Learning, and the potential that such an experience could create a paradigm

shift through reflection and meaning making.

Trauma and the Internal Repercussions of Gay Male Rape

To comprehend the phenomenon of male rape fully, one must understand the

psychological, emotional, and physiological implications the violent act has on the

victim/survivor. The U.S. Department of Justice (USDOJ, 2017) defined rape as “the penetration,

no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by

a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” The concept of stealthing,

the removal of the condom without consent, has recently gained notoriety as a common act of

rape (Davis, 2019). As a result of homophobia, gay men have a higher rate of experiencing

sexual violence (Sigurvinsdottir & Ullman, 2015). Moreover, it is important to emphasize that

the act of rape can be about power and dominance over the victim/survivor, and not about sex

(Palmer & Thornhill, 2003). Heterosexual-identifying men who have raped men have disclosed

that the intent is to dominate another man, which is perceived as the “ultimate humiliation”

(Hickson et al., 1994). With this in mind, male victims can begin to feel that their experience

contradicts the societal definition and expectations of male sexuality. Men are assumed to be

dominant and in control and are expected to want sex and to be endlessly in pursuit of sex

(Weiss, 2010). This contradiction can be amplified by the victim/survivor’s incapability to fight

back successfully—a characteristic most common when being raped by a stranger.

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 Most victims/survivors, when faced with trauma, attempt to remove the experience

from their minds and act as if nothing occurred (Van Der Kolk, 2015). However, a psychological

spectrum of implications spanning from depression to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

can emerge for those managing the experience of sexual violence (Breslau et al., 2008). PTSD is

described as an anxiety disorder that stems from a traumatic event, and produces symptoms

such as nightmares/flashbacks, stimulation (including sleep deprivation and overstressed

shock), and avoidance/numbing (Foa & Rothbaum, 1998). Depression is defined as a

psychological disorder with variants of hopelessness, despair, sadness, and/or emptiness

(Horwitz et al., 2016). As a result, one can feel symptoms of sleep deprivation, lack of appetite,

irritability, lack of interest/pleasure, social detachment, and/or recurring focus on negative

thoughts. While several emotions, including sadness, anger, and disgust, emerge during the

experience of trauma, the most common emotion rooted in trauma is fear, invoking a sense of

potential danger and harm (Bonanno, 2009). This correlates with the various symptoms aligned

with both PTSD and depression. Furthermore, parallel to this experience is the severe loss of

self-esteem (Davies et al., 2012).

Rape and/or sexual assault as an experience can replicate the emotional, psychological,

and physiological impacts of the victim/survivor’s “coming out” or initial disclosure of their

sexual orientation. In many cases, the victim/survivor has experienced being disowned by

family and friends, and there are several instances of public shaming (Jackson et al., 2017).

One’s experience of sexual violence can act as a catalyst and provide a greater probability for

men to enter depressive states. Approximately 80% of rape victims/survivors still suffer from

invasive fears at the 1-year mark, while also managing other trauma-related issues, including

18
sexual problems and avoiding once-routine daily activities (Herman, 1992). Correlating with the

depressive and PTSD episodes is the increased potential for alcohol and substance abuse

(Sigurvindottir & Ullman, 2015). As a result of the incorrect mismanagement of the rape

experience by well-meaning organizations, gay men have a higher risk of suicide (Javaid, 2016).

Internalized Homophobia and Experiential Avoidance are psychological dynamics gay

men may feel when experiencing sexual violence. To add insult to injury, the victims/survivors

may also feel a sense of disconnection from the LGBTQ+ community (Gold et al., 2007).

Furthermore, management of this experience has a psychological implication, as those dealing

with trauma, including sexual assault, can experience a cognitive “numbing” sensation, creating

a distant feeling from the outside world, which in turn causes the person to feel “stuck in

trauma,” replicating the feeling of being trapped (Van Der Kolk, 2015). For example, after

experiencing sexual violence, it is likely the victim/survivor will separate themselves from

possible support systems. As a result, they are prone to shut down cognitively from the outside

world.

Within the context of Internalized homophobia, the victim/survivor may well get into a

headspace where they believe the incident occurred as punishment for their homosexual

identity and behavior. Because of this, there are possible consequences similar to the reliving of

their “coming-out” experience that can induce feelings of shame, disgust, and demoralization

(Davies, 2002). On the contrary, heterosexual men find themselves struggling with validating

their heterosexuality, as it is assumed that male rape is a tragedy that only happens to

homosexual men.

Experiential Avoidance is a common result of the experience of rape. During this

19
sensation, the victim/survivor is described as closing themselves off from the outside world.

However, this term does not only describe the physical incapability of the victim/survivor to

vacate a safe space, such as their apartment and/or bedroom. It can also be used to describe

the victim/survivor’s ability to confront their entangled emotions. Experiential Avoidance can

therefore cause the victim/survivor to become hypersensitive to their emotional and physical

state, thus creating a higher probability that they will fall deep within various levels of

depression and/or post-traumatic stress (Gold et al., 2007). Everything from the coercion to the

number of perpetrators to the language used during the assault illuminates a layer of the

victim/survivor’s recovery.

Gender Identity as a Perspective Lens

Hypermasculinity and anti-LGBTQ+ attitudes create a depiction that gay men are

contradicting masculine constructs and gender-based prescriptions, and as a result they are

more prone to not reporting their rape (Javaid, 2017). By definition, hypermasculinity is the

hyperbolic representation of the heterosexual male stereotype, where the man acts with

dominance, hostility, and other negative behaviors (Shafer et al., 2018). This further

perpetuates the idea that rape goes against and is an attack on masculinity. Additionally, rape is

overwhelmingly viewed as a crime only happening to women. This dangerous perspective aligns

with the hypermasculine myth that “men cannot be raped.” Society views rape on a man as less

severe as it is for women, thus adding another layer to this already complex ideology (Davies,

2002). Consequently, these perceptions create a higher potential for men to blame themselves

for their rape.

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Queer Theory as a Perspective Lens

Queer Theory is a post-modernist critical theory intended to provide a better

understanding on how LGTBQ+ persons interact with the world around them, including

educational spaces. This is a result of various social and liberation movements such as the

Stonewall Riots of June 1969 (Duberman, 1994). It should be noted that this movement in the

United States is still in its infancy, with major victories for the LGBTQ+ communities occurring

only recently, with Obgerfell v. Hodges legalizing same-sex marriage in 2015 and Bostock v.

Clayton County in 2020 making it illegal to discriminate based on sexual identity in the

workplace. Queer Theory is not a psychological theory, but is based on societal reform (Pinar,

1998). The term queer is used rather than psychological labels like homosexual, gay, and lesbian

to demonstrate the separation from the field of psychology and provide a social science

perspective (Pinar, 1998; Tierney 1997). Queer Theory is more aligned with Critical Theory and

cultural studies, and provides a lens for visibility, inclusion, and improvement for queer people,

all the while recognizing the societal perspective of sexual deviance and the implications of

sexual identity (Pinar, 1998). Tierney (1997) delineated the queer/gay community as four

separate identities:

1. Passers – Those who conceal their sexual identity while attempting to assimilate to

the world around them. Their assimilation is revealed in spaces such as the

workplace, neighborhoods, and other spaces where they are intertwined with their

heterosexual counterparts. However, despite their concealment, these persons

should not be considered as being in the closet; rather, they focus on maintaining

harmony by their concealment.

21
 2. Castro Clones – These are members of the LGBTQ+ community who are open about

their sexuality but choose to live and interact in spaces where there is a large

population of fellow queer people. We see examples of this in neighborhoods such

as the Castro in San Francisco, the West Village in New York City, and Wilton Manor

in Fort Lauderdale.

3. Queer Nationalism – This group of queer persons consists of the advocates and

activists of the community. They seek sociopolitical reform by providing a more

assertive approach to demonstrating their identity.

4. Cultural Citizenship – While this is also a sociopolitical identity of queer people, this

is an approach to intertwine with society by seeking balance with heterosexual

counterparts through rational discourse.

Corresponding with the separate identities of Queer Theory is the deep rooting of the

act of sex and sexuality. It is not just an act or an identity; rather, sex and sexuality act as an

instrument/concept that contributes to the evolution of the person, thus embodied in culture,

language, and relationship (Pinar, 1998). The alignment of these concepts and the gay man’s

identity, along with gender constructs, presents a potential problematic perspective on a gay

man’s experience with rape:

Fantasies of the sexually forceful man, the pleasure of “being taken,” and the
excitement of power-driven sex are very common in gay culture and pornography. All
these collective sexual fantasies normalize sexual abuse and rape of gay men by gay
men, providing motivation, justification, and normalization for the assault. It is difficult
to see how a climate of intolerance towards sexual aggression can be achieved when
sexual aggression is one of the mainstays of collective sexual fantasies. (Hickson et al.,
1994)

22
It is because sex and sexuality—including a power-driven sexual dynamic—are so engrained in

the gay identity that it might create a sense of self-misunderstanding when a gay man

experiences rape.

Potential for Learning, Meaning Making, and Development

As the problem has been outlined, it is clear that gender, hypermasculinity, and social

constructs infiltrate this problem by providing multiple and diverse layers to this human

tragedy. This problem focuses on not only empowering the survivors of rape, but also

understanding the emergence of learning within the experience, whether the occurrence of

meaning making leads to a paradigm shift. The comprehension of learning development within

the experience of gay male rape and understanding the strategies that helped and/or hindered

the fostering of such learning, could potentially assist practitioners entrusted with providing

support to see beyond their own assumptions and biases regarding male rape.

The literature points in one direction: the need for gender inclusion and understanding.

With the need for sensitivity towards the multifaceted levels of male assault (whether

homosexual or heterosexual), can Transformative Learning be used to enhance the lives of

victims/survivors? If so, how can one draw on this theory to understand the complexity of this

human experience? Considering the multiple layers within the experience, respect for the

victim/survivor’s privacy and care must be met. Furthermore, fostering such learning is

considered to fall potentially on the thin line between facilitation and therapeutic practice, and

therefore should not impede on the practice of mental health and medical professionals.

However, it is important for educators and/or facilitators to expand their understanding of

23
sexual trauma and therapy so that they become aware of symptoms and refer victims/survivors

to appropriate medical and/or mental health care.

Transformative Learning

Learning is defined as the process of making meaning of an experience, and then

triggers interpretation, development of strategies, and growth (Mezirow, 1990). In 1978, Jack

Mezirow developed the grounded theory that is known today as Transformative Learning

(Mezirow, 2009). Influenced by scholars such as Habermas, Freire, Kuhn, and Dewey, the theory

in simplistic terms involves the challenging, reassessing, and shifting of one’s belief system after

the experience of a Disorienting Dilemma—a life event that causes the learner to rethink their

current perspective paradigm (Mezirow, 2009; Taylor & Cranton, 2013). An assumption that

was outlined for this study is the premise that traumatic circumstances can lead to a paradigm

shift, consequently resulting in Transformative Learning. This was supported by Mezirow, who

spoke of how there is little doubt that such a paradigm shift could occur when trauma is a

catalyst for learning (2009, pp. 26-27). As a result of his 1978 study, Mezirow established 10

steps necessary for Transformative Learning. These steps include:

1. A disorienting dilemma,

2. Self-examination,

3. A critical assessment of assumptions,

4. Recognition,

5. Exploration of options for new roles, relationships, and action,

6. Planning course of action,

7. Acquiring knowledge and skills for implementing one’s plan,

24
 8. Provisional trying of new roles,

9. Building competence and self-confidence in new roles, and

10. A reintegration into one’s life based on conditions dictated by one’s new

perspective.

This approach has provided a generic formula to fostering Transformative Learning. Over the

years, academics from all over the world have provided insights and, in some cases, developed

frameworks that are recommended for various populations. This includes Michael Newman

(2012), who called to desert the term “transformative learning” and instead focus on it as

simply “good learning.” Additionally, Brookfield (2012) urged scholars and others interpreting

Transformative Learning theory to recognize the need to be more inclusive of race, sexual

orientation, socioeconomic status, and other power dynamics that could impede one’s ability to

transform by acknowledging the effect of Critical Theory within the learning space. This brings

awareness to conditions and characteristics of the context that affect the various constructs

examined in this study. For example, a Hispanic gay man, coming from a military family

upbringing, is going to learn from trauma differently than his White gay male friend, despite

both experiencing sexual assault. This is because the various assumptions placed on both are

different—socially, internally, and culturally.

O’Sullivan et al. (2002) drew attention to the spiritual and environmental attributes that

coincide with those seeking to leverage Transformative Learning. The complexity of rape falls

within the Transformative Learning definition, prescribed by O’Sullivan et al. as the experience

that should not be looked at as a hierarchy, but rather as a complex “network of webs.” The

Transformative Learning experience should also focus on consciousness, learning about one’s

25
relationship to the world in both global and universal contexts. O’Sullivan et al.

comprehensively defined Transformative Learning as

[an] experiencing [of] a deep, structural shift in the basic premises of thought, feeling,
and actions. It is a shift of consciousness that dramatically and permanently alters our
way of being in the world. Such a shift involves our understanding of ourselves and our
self-locations; our relationships with other humans and with the natural world: our
understanding of relations of power in interlocking structures of class, race, and gender;
our body-awareness; our visions of alternative approaches to living; and our sense of
the possibilities for social justice and peace and personal joy.

King (2003) proposed a Transformative Learning framework for LGBTQ+ adults 25 and over and

their management of an understanding and acceptance of their sexual identity. Her framework

proposed a Transformative Learning framework that would align with Mezirow’s 10 Steps of

Transformative Learning. This model focused on sexual identity development and how

individuals integrate and understand their world (King, 2003; King & Biro, 2006). The model is

outlined with five components, including Question, Risk, Strategy, Act, and Accept New

Perspective (see Table 1).

Table 1

King’s LGBTQ TL Model and Mezirow’s Ten-Step Alignment

King’s LGBTQ Transformative Learning Model Mezirow’s Ten Steps for Transformative Learning
Question 1. Disorienting Dilemma
2. Self-examination
Risk 3. Critical assessment of assumptions
4. Recognition
Strategy 5. Exploration of options for new roles, relationships, and
action
6. Planning course of action
7a. Acquiring knowledge and skills for implementing one’s plan
Act 7b. Acquiring knowledge and skills for implementing one’s plan
8. Provisional trying of new roles
9. Building competence and self-confidence in new roles
Accept New Perspective 10. Reintegration into one’s life on the basis of conditions
dictated by one’s new perspective

Source: King & Biro (2006)

26
 King offered an exceptional model that provides LGBTQ+ adult learners with a pathway

to understanding their sexual identity and how it implicates them in today’s world. However,

despite the alignment of King’s framework with the demographic of this study, it focuses on the

development and acceptance of one’s sexual identity. This study explored the traumatic

experience of rape and how it impacted adults and their potential learning. Sexual identity of

the survivors is important and potentially influences the overall experience. However, the

primary emphasis of this study was the overall experience of rape, with sexual identity as a

contributing factor. Because of this, it was important to apply a framework that was

appropriate when fostering Transformative Learning during the experience of rape.

The experience of rape is complex and does not stop with the actual act of violence.

Rather, the experience of rape has the potential to be extensive when referring to time as well

as physiological and psychological impacts. For this study, Nohl’s (2015) Five Phases of the

Transformation Process provided the framework for understanding how Transformative

Learning potentially revealed itself during the participants’ journey to post-traumatic growth.

This framework was developed because of multiple research initiatives, while leveraging

various Transformative Learning frameworks, including Mezirow’s 10 Steps for Transformative

Learning, with various social groups. Nohl’s Five Phases of the Transformation Process include:

1. The Nondetermining Start – This is the first segment of Transformative Learning. It

is not aligned with Mezirow’s Disorienting Dilemma, but rather is an event that acts

as a catalyst pushing the learning into a reflective state. In this case, the violent act

of rape would act as the catalyst.

27
 2. Phase of Experimental and Undirected Inquiry – In this segment, learners would

reflect on and question the Nondetermining Start and its relevance to their daily

lives. Within this phase, learners may seek to develop new skills and/or strategies to

manage the experience.

3. Phase of Social Testing and Mirroring – This phase of Transformative Learning is

where learners seek to test out their new skills within various groups. This is also

where learners may share their new perspective with others. Here is where learners

will find purposeful relationships to manage the experience.

4. Phase of Shifting Relevance – This phase of Transformative Learning aligns with

Mezirow’s description of a Disorienting Dilemma. This is where learners begin to

challenge their current thinking around their values, beliefs, assumptions, and

perspectives of the outside world. In the context of rape, learners could potentially

see how social constructs can enable or hinder their own growth.

5. Phase of Social Consolidation and Reinterpretation of Biography – This phase of

Transformative Learning is where learners transform by having a paradigm shift in

their thinking and/or behavior. They have established self-confidence and therefore

begin reintegrating themselves into society.

A key factor in the use of this framework is that it recognizes what Mezirow referred to

as the disorienting dilemma which can happen later in the Transformative Learning process.

This is important as the complexity of trauma might not ignite a disorienting dilemma and

potential for reflection and learning until later. The barriers for this could be created by

internalized homophobia, experiential avoidance, or other psychological implications caused by

28
trauma. Furthermore, Nohl’s framework still fosters Transformative Learning by promoting

critical reflection and the development of a course of action.

Fostering Potential Learning

The violent act of rape as a form of trauma has potential to be a transformative

experience. Trauma is defined as a disturbance to the emotional and/or behavioral state of a

person and causes distress (Merriam-Webster, 2019c). The very essence of learning from the

experience of rape, as with any form of trauma, cannot only be considered as disruptive, but

given the internal and external support systems, it can be perceived as impossible to obtain.

As there is potential to foster learning facilitation, given the psychological implications

of trauma, it can be assumed that the psychological state of the survivor is highly relevant to

the process. The emotional state of a person managing their life after rape can be elevated at

various levels. This transcends to hyposensitive and hypersensitive ends of the spectrum, thus

reiterating the importance of distinguishing where the learner falls within this continuum. As

this is a moment of survival and struggle, it is also important to gauge where the learner falls

within this scope. O’Sullivan (2012) described the term “survival” at its purest form—a moment

when a learner is going through a moment of despair, grief, and/or sadness. This coincides with

the importance of highlighting the learner’s emotional and behavioral disturbances caused by

the incident when facilitating the learning.

Hypermasculinity has the potential to be the antithesis to men’s recovery from rape,

and this could suggest questions focused on male rape myths and internalized homophobia.

This experience has the potential to intensify self-blame/victimization and cause learners to

seek answers they may never obtain (Herman, 1992). Jackson et al. (2016) firmly suggested that

29
facilitators/practitioners also pay attention to the language and imagery they select when

providing assistance and be aware so that they do not impose blame and further victimize the

learners.

Aligning with this facilitation is the potential development of holding environments and

their impact on the learning opportunity created for such individuals. Just as Drago-Severson

(2009) developed the constructs of the Ways of Knowing and implications for learning and

meaning making, she also explored how the creation of a healthy holding environment is vital

to the facilitation of learning. In many cases, the holding environment can be a crisis center,

counseling facilities, or interpersonal relationships. Providing the nature of these holding

environments has the potential to create a sense of support for learners and recognize their

internal struggle, including internalized homophobia and/or experiential avoidance. Coinciding

with the construct of a holding environment, the implementation of living norms could be

perceived as essential, not necessarily to create constraints but to provide a possible exit

strategy for learners should they feel the learning experience is overwhelming.

This definition can provide facilitators and learners with a way to challenge the

assumptions and myths of male rape and hypermasculinity. Furthermore, this definition can

assist learners in comprehending the possibility that their survival is for a greater purpose.

For instance, the researcher can view his own rape as a calling to bring light to this issue and

turn it into his research focus. This learning opportunity not only brings learners to social

consciousness, but, just as the holding environment can, it will also provide a sense of

liberation.

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Post-Traumatic Growth

Tedeschi and Calhoun (1996) first developed the term Post-Traumatic Growth in 1995 in

connection with the study of positive impacts that survivors of trauma experienced because of

traumatic events. Post-Traumatic Growth occurs when a person obtains positive benefits

because of a substantial negative life event (Hoggan, 2014). The term post-traumatic is to

signify the development after an extremely stressful event, while the term growth

demonstrates new positive behaviors after such an event (Zoellner & Maercker, 2006). As a

result of Transformative Learning, individuals’ paradigm shift and gaining a positive perspective

on themselves and the world around them could be perceived as post-traumatic growth.

Furthermore, there is an alignment with the elements of post-traumatic growth and

transformative learning, including a triggering event, challenging assumptions, meaning making,

and transformation (Gilpin-Jackson, 2014). Zacchaeus (2020) outlined potential areas of post-

traumatic growth as follows:

● Personal Strength – The individual may experience an increase in confidence,

heightened self-awareness, and capability to deal with potential future challenges.

● Changed Priorities – As a result of traumatic experience, the individual may view life

with more appreciation, thus changing behavioral patterns, including goal

orientations and healthy lifestyle.

● Spiritual Development – The individual may have developed a spiritual or religious

commitment, as beliefs may have changed as a result of traumatic events.

● Change in Philosophy – There is a change in perception of the world, including the

meaning of life.

31
 ● Improved Relationship(s) – The individual may feel more connection with members

of their social network, including friends, family, and other loved ones.

Agency

Agency is the act of conditioning and/or exerting one’s power (Merriam-Webster,

2019a). Rape is about power, aggression, and dominance over a victim; as a result, the

perpetrator removes the victim’s sense of agency (Hickson et al., 1994). This is not only within

the act of rape, but it has lasting effects on the victims/survivors throughout their experience

towards post-traumatic growth. From this definition, the concept can be perceived as simple.

However, the psychological implications are complex, and recognizing this is imperative to

understand a victim/survivor’s state of mind. Agency is rooted in social-cognitive theory, a

perspective on the psychosocial elements of human functioning (Bandura, 2006, 2018). This

includes the human perspective towards development, change, and one’s adaptation. Bandura

(2001) stated that the human mind should be viewed as more than just reactive; it is

imaginative, driven, and generative. To be a catalyst towards agency, one must have a grasp

and/or an influence on the functioning of one’s everyday lives (Bandura, 2006). One’s sense of

agency and human functioning is determined by the back-and-forth interactions of

environmental, interpersonal, and behavioral factors (Bandura, 2001, p. 165). With this in mind,

Bandura (2001, 2006, 2018) outlined four core properties to understanding agency, including

intentionality, forethought, self-reflectiveness, and self-reactiveness. Considering how agency

emerges within the transformative learning process, Table 2 aligns Bandura’s Four Core

Properties of Agency with Nohl’s Five Phases of Transformative Learning.

32
Table 2

Bandura’s Four Core Properties and Nohl’s Five Phases of Transformative Learning Alignment

Bandura’s Four Core Properties Nohl’s Five Phases of Transformative Learning

1. Intentionality – This is the
development of strategies and action
plans with the intent on using them.
2. Forethought – This is the
establishment of motivators and
goals. Here, the learners develop a
cognitive representation of their
future.
3. Self-Reactiveness – This is the
implementation of strategies and
action plans. This demonstrates that
the learners have ownership of the
situation and are progressing rather
than remaining stagnant.
4. Self-Reflectiveness – This core
property of agency is the learners’
ability to recognize their personal
efficacy and develop a sense of self-
awareness.
Phase of Experimental and Undirected Inquiry and
Phase of Social Testing and Mirroring. This
alignment demonstrates the learners’ potential to
develop/acquire new skills and/or knowledge and
put the newly acquired skills/knowledge into
practice.
This is multifaceted and could align with Nohl’s
Phase of Experimental and Undirected Inquiry,
Phase of Social Testing and Mirroring, and Phase of
Shifting Relevance. This alignment demonstrates
the learners’ potential acquisition of knowledge
and/or skills and putting such strategies to use.
Furthermore, since the Phase of Shifting Relevance
aligns with the disorienting dilemma, this would
challenge the learners’ worldview and potentially
challenge them to see their future.
This core property aligns with Nohl’s Phase of
Experimental and Undirected Inquiry and Phase of
Social Testing and Mirroring. This alignment
demonstrates the learners’ acquisition of new
knowledge and/or skills and putting them into
action towards post-traumatic growth.
As a result, this property can be found throughout
all of Nohl’s five phases for transformative
learning. However, while this seems apparent, the
psychological implications of trauma could impact
one’s perception of personal efficacy.

Source: Author based on Bandura (2006) and Nohl (2015)

While it is suggested that the alignment of Bandura’s core properties with Nohl’s

framework, as described above, could lead to the post-traumatic growth of the survivor, the

various psychological factors that emerge from trauma could prolong the process. This further

validates the concept that sensitivity to the survivor’s well-being is crucial to the fostering of

33
any learning, be it Learning from Experience or Transformative Learning. Obtaining a sense of

agency may appear easy, but Nohl’s framework provides an organically evolving, non-linear

framework that would promote a complex path towards post-traumatic growth considering

the survivor’s state of mind. Furthermore, the core factors outlined by Bandura provide a

framework that could be beneficial to Boud and Walker’s (1993) cycle of reflection, thus

proving that the emergence of learning within the experience of rape does not need to be

transformative to promote post-traumatic growth.

Conceptual Framework

The conceptual framework of this study was originally designed with concentric circles

to provide a metaphorical representation of the overall experience, a ripple effect (see Figure

1). The ripple effect is generally perceived as when an object, such as a rock, hits the water,

creating ripples. In some circumstances, this is used to demonstrate the impact that a particular

situation may have on an environment. For example, if the government were to pass legislation

that would influence the practices of corporations, it could lead to organizational restructuring

and then impact the everyday lives of employees, demonstrating a ripple effect. This

representation demonstrates how the trauma, particularly rape, and the implications of such

distress, are at the core of the experience. Considering this as the core of the overall experience

and designating its overall importance, the “ripple” then impacts and/or is influenced by the

identity and worldview of the individual. Particularly with this study, the researcher argued that

it is important to understand how the trauma transcends into the homosexual identity of the

survivor, and the potential of how resilience and emotions act as key players, thus impacting

and influencing the experience. Continuing from the identity/worldview of the survivor, and

34
understanding how this impacts the connection to trauma, the next layer is focused on learning

and meaning making. It also seeks to understand the alignment of human agency, as outlined

by Bandura (2006), with the transformative learning process. From that point, the framework is

engulfed by the external ring representing post-traumatic growth.

By understanding the individuality of each survivor, this study explored the magnitude

of the metaphorical object hitting the individuals’ lives and how they managed such an

egregious act of violence. Was it a pebble’s minor damage? Was it a boulder causing major

damage? Or was it a catastrophic meteor that completely decimated the individuals’ “eco-

system”? Overall, the effect of trauma on the individual, given the outlined factors, could

hypothetically impact the potential emergence of learning/meaning making and development,

consequently helping and/or hindering the long-term goal of post-traumatic growth.

Figure 1

Conceptual Framework

35
 CHAPTER III: METHODOLOGY
This exploratory qualitative case study addressed the lack of knowledge of the male

rape experience and focused on how this phenomenon impacts their functioning personally,

socially, professionally, and/or academically. It is intended to provide educators insight into this

minimized phenomenon as well as to offer practitioners, scholars, and organizations supporting

sexual assault survivors a qualitative perspective useful to enhance support systems. Most

importantly, practitioners, scholars, and organizations supporting sexual assault survivors will

have a better understanding of how they can foster support leading towards post-traumatic

growth.

The following research questions were structured to gain knowledge about adult gay

men who have experienced rape:

1. How do participants describe their experience of having been raped?

2. How does learning reveal itself during the participants’ journey towards post-

traumatic growth?

3. What factors do participants describe that helped and/or hindered their ability to

manage the experience, learn, and develop towards post-traumatic growth?

Research Design

A case study is an inquiry approach that explores issues within a bounded system

(Creswell, 2007). Exploring a gay man’s experience of rape and its perceived impact, potential

learning, and assistive/hindering strategies provided the bounded system of this exploratory

case study. Understanding that there is sensitivity with this subject and the subject may have

various implications for the participants was paramount to developing and implementing an

36
appropriate approach to the study. A key understanding was to develop an approach that

would not retrigger the participants into a state of helplessness. Given his previous experience,

the researcher recognized the need to take precautions, so that he too did not become

retriggered in unproductive ways. Acknowledging that the participants may potentially be

retriggered, the researcher provided various avenues of assistance, including access to support

centers, phone numbers, and other professionals who can assist these participants (see

Appendix E). If participants were not local to the New York City metropolitan area, they were

provided with their own local resources.

Sampling

To obtain data, this study consisted of a convenience and snowball sample. Sometimes

referred to as an availability and/or accidental sample, a convenience sample is a relatively

accessible group of participants (Lune & Berg, 2016). This included friends,

co-workers, students, and other persons within a close social proximity to the researcher.

Snowball sampling has been referred to as chain referral or respondent-driven sampling (Lune &

Berg, 2016). For example, it was intended that the sample be pulled from people within the

researcher’s social network and the connections be spread throughout their networks. It was

assumed that this approach would offer a sense of trust, as there would be some sort of

connectivity already established with the researcher.

To be eligible to participate in the study, a participant, at the time of the incident, must

have identified as a cis-gender gay man who had been raped in adulthood by a non-domestic

person with whom they had minimum to no familiarity within a space they predetermined as

safe. The term non-domestic was to establish that this study would not explore domestic

37
violence. It also implied that the assailant was not a family member, friend, roommate, and/or

significant other living with the participant at the time of the incident. Furthermore, the study

was intended to explore the experience of male rape outside the confines of incarceration. It

was important to explore the experience within similar conditions. Considering that domestic

rape and rape while incarcerated provide a different layer of complexity, it would be

challenging to compare those experiences with those included in the study.

The language in the social media post (Appendix C) was distributed on the various social

media platforms including Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, with public hashtags including

#metoo, #gay, #lgbt, #sexualassault, #rapesurvivor, #rapeawareness, #sexualviolence,

#dissertation, #research, #gaymen, #queer, #survivor, #mentalhealth, #sexualassaultawareness,

#support, and #sexeducation. With the potential to reach more members of the gay

community, the use of various gay-centered dating applications, such as Grindr and Scruff was

considered but not leveraged as a matter of researcher safety. Language on any recruitment

documentation was reviewed by six mental health professionals prior to distribution. The

language was concise and included contact information for the researcher as the investigator as

well as the faculty advisor. Furthermore, the Institutional Review Board (IRB) approval number

was included. Furthermore, all posts related to the study included a sensitive content and

trigger warning.

Data Collection Structure

The participants identified themselves as a victim of rape, thus requiring more sensitive

care. With recognition of the sensitivity of the topic and the potential for a triggering

experience that this study may induce for the participants, the researcher set out to conduct a

38
variation of the Three Interview Series as outlined by Seidman (2013). Seidman’s series involves

three separate interviews using three forms of data. This approach to interviewing is intended

not only to explore the phenomenon with a sense of authenticity, but also to structure the

interview. The first interview usually involves exploring the experience. The second dives into

the details of the experience (i.e., strategies and thinking), while the third emphasizes the study

of meaning making. However, there was uncertainty that participants would be available over

an extended period, as well as the concern for potential triggering. Because of this, the

foundation behind the three-interview series was adopted, but it was condensed into a single

interview with three separate parts, including opportunities for breaks between segments.

Interviews

There was a total of six participants. Modifying Seidman (2013), interviews took place in

three separate segments, all in one sitting, with each interview focusing on a different area of

the study: (a) Participant Perspective, (b) Participant Management, and (c) Participant Learning

and Meaning Making (see Table 3).

39
Table 3

Structure of Interview and Alignment

Interview Segment Experience Explored

1. Participant Perspective
● How they identify now versus then
● Perspective of the gay community
● Relationships with family
● Religious/Spiritual identity
● How do they describe the incident

2. Participant Management ● How did they manage the experience

● Leveraging/Avoiding support systems
● What factors helped/hindered their
experience

3. Participant Learning and Meaning Making ● What learning was involved

● How has behavior changed
● Description of consequences of the
experience

To empower the participants, at the beginning of the interview, the researcher

reminded them that it was a safe space, and they were free to tell their narratives as it suited

them. The conclusion of each segment provided a space for the participants to take a brief

moment to breathe/regroup, should it be necessary. The interview was designed to be

completed within the same 1- to 2-hour period.

Interviews were designed as a Responsive Interview, where the questions were open-

ended and provided a “give-and-take” approach (Rubin & Rubin, 2011). To avoid questions and

language that could potentially trigger the participants, the interview protocol was developed

in collaboration with five licensed mental health counselors and one psychotherapist. While

having experienced being raped himself, the researcher recognized that disclosing this

anecdote to the participants to develop rapport with them could be disruptive and potentially

40
have a distortive impact on the interview (Rubin & Rubin, 2011). Therefore, the researcher did

not share his own experience of rape with the participants, as further explained in the section

below on “bracketing.”

Table 4

Data Collection Description and Timeline

Duration of Total
Name of Activity Timeline for
Activity per Time Data Collected
Activity Occurrence Launch
Instance Period
Audio- 1 120 minutes 120 Phase one Discussion of
recorded Given topic minutes of data the lived
individual sensitivity, collection. experiences gay
face-to-face participants This began men who have
interview or were offered an immediately experienced
Individual opportunity to after IRB rape as an
Phone/Zoom split the approval. adult.
interview into Will follow the
two interviews interview
at different time protocol.
periods.

Field Setting and Consent Procedures

The field setting and consent procedures of this study were carried out with the utmost

sensitivity when working with the participants. The interviews took place during the 2020-2021

COVID-19 pandemic. With this consideration, all interviews were conducted using the web-

based conferencing platform, Zoom. The researcher performed all Zoom calls from the privacy

of his home, ensuring that he was away from any background noise and/or unnecessary

spectators.

Confidentiality and Data Storage

Anything that could possibly reveal the participants’ connection to the study, including

41
their names and geographic locations, were deidentified. Each participant was provided with a

unique code and pseudonym. The unique codes provided for the participants were generated

using the IRB protocol number and the participants’ place in the interview process as the suffix

(i.e., 20-443-01 was used for the first participant of the study). The use of pseudonyms was also

used to describe locations and other factors described within the narrative. Once concluded,

the interview was immediately transcribed using the transcription service Scribie and the audio

recording was destroyed. All documents pertaining to the study, including transcriptions and

consent forms, will remain in a password-secured drive within the Teachers College system.

Data will be available for up to 3 years after the study has closed.

Bracketing and Memo Writing

With consideration that the researcher is a rape survivor, it was important to

acknowledge his experience by conducting a qualitative research practice known as Bracketing.

In this process, the researcher attempts to set aside their experience to maintain a perspective

that is unbiased during the examination of the phenomenon (Creswell, 2007). During the stages

of developing one’s research strategy, bracketing is interpreted as the way one can “handle

[one’s] prior knowledge” and is imperative to formulating one’s understanding of the problem

(Richards & Morse, 2013). Prior to developing the current exploratory case study design, the

researcher intended to use a phenomenology approach to the study. By using a preliminary

phenomenological interview protocol, the researcher engaged in a pilot interview session

conducted by a fellow researcher using the preliminary interview protocol. The interview lasted

for 1 hour and was conducted face-to-face by a colleague in a space determined as safe: the

researcher’s apartment. This allowed the researcher to not only test the interview protocol, but

42
also to develop a better sense of the potential experience the participants may have during

their own interviews. As a result of this pilot study, the researcher changed the design to a case

study, recognizing that the phenomenology evoked reliving the experience, including the focus

on the feelings and sensations involved. With this recognition in mind, the researcher believed

that the approach could potentially be harmful to the participants and may not adequately

support the research questions. Coinciding with the change to an exploratory case study design,

the researcher adjusted the interview protocol to provide more of a structure within the

bounded system.

Furthermore, as part of the data collection process, memo writing proved to be highly

valuable. As Richards and Morse (2013) explained the value of recognizing what surprises the

researcher and “always see[ing] coding as reflection,” memo writing was useful to the process

of bracketing as well as during the data collection process. Recognizing how the researcher’s

experience could influence the interview process, code development, and the overall data

analysis, the researcher used memo writing to acknowledge methodological direction and

influence (Charmaz, 2014).

Data Analysis

The interviews were submitted to Scribie for transcription as soon as each interview was

concluded. Upon receiving the transcription, the researcher manually coded the raw data using

Descriptive Coding based on the research questions. Descriptive Coding generates labels to

various texts throughout the data based on what the participant is describing (Saldaña, 2015).

This coding was completed to provide the researcher with a surface-level perspective into the

participants’ experiences. After this was completed, the data were uploaded to the computer

43
qualitative data analysis software Dedoose. The researcher selected Dedoose as the analysis

software not only because of previous use, but also because it allows for multiple coders during

the analysis process.

This study explored the experience of gay men who have been raped in adulthood, the

potential emergence of learning, and the strategies that helped and/or hindered their journey

towards post-traumatic growth. Given the framing and purpose of the study, once the data

were uploaded to Dedoose, the researcher utilized first- and second-cycle coding, as outlined

by Saldaña (2015), with the first cycle providing an initial coding of data and the second cycle

streamlining the various patterns which emerged. This approach to qualitative analysis

provided a clear and concise avenue to support the validity of the study.

First-cycle Coding

The initial coding approach was designed to reflect the data necessary to answer the

three research questions of the study. First-cycle coding methods for this study were Elemental

Methods, combining concept and process coding. These methods are thus broken down into

different coding schemes that support the research questions. The Elemental Method of

Process Coding supports the development of an understanding of the experience the

participants had and recognizes what helped and/or hindered the experience. This is logical

as Process Coding is appropriate for understanding the “routines and rituals of human life”

(p. 111). With consideration of the study’s purpose to understand how learning emerged within

the experience, the researcher used the Elemental Method of Concept Coding to highlight the

emergence of Transformative Learning and Agency within the participants’ experiences.

44
Concept Coding outlines data as an idea rather than a noun and/or observable behavior

(p. 119).

Given the sensitivity and assumed emotional complexity of the study, it was also

important to include Affective Methods within the first cycle of coding. For this, Emotion

Coding and Values Coding were implemented because they both explore the emotional/

cognitive state as well as the values, attitudes, and belief systems of the participants (p. 124).

These coding approaches were aligned with a search to understand how the participants made

meaning from the experience and potential of transformative learning.

Second-cycle Coding

The use of second-cycle coding was to provide a sense of organization to the coded data

from the first cycle. During second-cycle coding, Pattern Coding was used to summarize and

cluster the coded data from the first cycle into themes (p. 236).

Inter-rater Reliability

To strengthen the study, the researcher sought the assistance of two additional

researchers. These researchers were provided access to the data on Dedoose as well as the

coding scheme, which included various terms with definitions (see Appendix G). These

researchers were skilled in research and have taken graduate-level qualitative methods. One of

the researchers is a Black woman in her 30s and has a doctoral degree in adult learning. Her

coding focused primarily on transformative learning, including Nohl’s Five Phases. The other

researcher is a White woman in her 40s. While she is a researcher in the field of adult learning,

she has a background in mental health counseling and a deep understanding of Bandura’s

concept of Agency. Her coding focused primarily on the Four Core Properties of Agency as

45
outlined by Bandura (2006; 2018). Each of the secondary coders was given access to the data

and was given the codes for their respective assignments. They were able to view the codes and

were asked to add their own memos regarding their thinking on the data. Once they each

coded, they met with the primary researcher to discuss similarities, as well as any

disagreements. After discussion, the alignments were left as part of the findings while the

misalignments were removed. Because of potential retriggering and concern for the mental

well-being of the participants, member check was not considered for this study. This notion was

determined based on the interactions within the interview process, as there were moments of

emotional breakdowns from four of the participants during their sessions.

The ORID Framework

Developed as the Art Form Method by the Ecumenical Institute in the 1950s, and then

elevated by Laura Spencer for the Institute of Cultural Affairs in 1989, the ORID Framework is a

tool developed for questioning and listening (Marsick & Maltbia, 2009; Maltbia et al., 2010).

ORID stands for a series of four data elements, including Objective, Reflective, Interpretive, and

Decisional data. The definitions for each of the terms, as outlined by Maltbia et al. (2010),

include:

● Objective Data – The gathering of facts, directly observable data, within a particular

situation.

● Reflective Data – The emotional responses experienced in response to the situation.

● Interpretive Data – The identification of patterns, themes, and lessons learned from

the experience.

46
 ● Decisional Data – The actions, including pilot or full implementation, taken as a

result of the exploration of the objective, reflective, and interpretive data points.

After the data were transcribed using Scribie and subsequently coded using Dedoose,

the researcher deconstructed and delineated the data manually using the ORID Framework.

With consideration of the researcher’s experience as a rape survivor and exploration of

Transformative Learning within the experience, this structure allowed the researcher to “hold

the story as object so they may reflect upon it, challenge the assumptions underlying and

within the story, reshape it, and take control of it” (McCann et al., 2019).

Lifelines. Leveraged by Merriam and Clark (1991) to understand the difference between

men and women and their learning to work and love, Lifelines is a practice developed by

Sugarman (1986) to understand the patterns and life events that emerged over the course of a

lifetime. The practice seeks to demonstrate benchmarks, milestones, and other life-changing

events that impact one’s development (p. 54). Considering that concept of Transformative

Learning and the various elements included for a paradigm shift (e.g., support and reflection),

the researcher developed a lifeline for each participant to identify patterns and determine

potential congruence and/or divergence.

Validity Issues and Limitations of the Study

There were factors to consider when understanding the validity of the study. One factor

was the definition of “adult gay male,” particularly since the study’s outlined definition fell in

line with the United States’ legal definition of adulthood as starting at the age of 18. This

perspective could be viewed as an alignment or misalignment of the field’s definition of

“adulthood.” The timeframe between the interviews and the experience is a factor that could

47
be perceived as a validity issue because, when considering cognitive development, memory is

affected by time. Moreover, the body has various reactions to trauma that could prevent the

participants’ recollection of the incident, including a suppression/“blacking out” of the

experience (Van Der Kolk, 2015). Furthermore, the measurement of trauma is controversial,

and there is no official approach to measure such indicators. However, participants’ description

of their experience aligns with the definition of “trauma.”

As previously mentioned, the researcher is a rape survivor, and this potentially could be

viewed as a validity issue due to the potential resonance of the various themes that emerged

from the interviews and data analysis. While the researcher may have bracketed his experience

prior to the design of this study, it was also important to recognize that his experience might

potentially impact the overall results. Because of this, memo writing was centrally important to

this study as a “critical analytic heuristic” (Saldaña, 2015, p. 69). When looking at the study’s

limitations, it is important to acknowledge that the sample size implies it cannot be fully

representative of the gay community. By this, there is a recognition that the gay community is

complex, including various ethnicities, spiritual/religious perspectives, education, and other

socioeconomic factors. Furthermore, this study also did not include the experience of those

raped while incarcerated or victims of domestic violence.

Summary

As this study was designed to explore the emergence of learning within the experience

of rape among adult gay men, the researcher designed it with the recognition that the

participants required the utmost sensitivity and care. Because of this, the design, including the

interview protocol, was reviewed by six mental health professionals to avoid language that

48
could potentially trigger the participants. However, with potential triggering in mind, the

participants were provided with a list of local resources.

The complexity of the anticipated data called for a thorough approach to data analysis.

Consequently, this study involved first- and second-cycle coding, utilizing Elemental and

Affective coding methods, as they aligned with the research questions. All things considered,

despite the bracketing of the researcher’s experience as a rape survivor, the design and

literature emphasized the justification for continuous memo writing throughout the research

process to support the validity of the study.

49
 CHAPTER IV: FINDINGS

The findings reported in this chapter speak to the gay male experience of rape; how this

experience impacted functioning (personally, socially, professionally, and/or academically); how

participants made sense of the experience; what they learned; and whether their learning was

transformative in ways that fostered their post-traumatic growth. The findings addressed the

research questions:

1. How do participants describe their experience of having been raped?

2. How does learning reveal itself during the participants’ journey towards post-

traumatic growth?

3. What factors do participants describe helped and/or hindered their ability to

manage the experience, learn, and develop towards post-traumatic growth?

Presentation of Participants

A total of six unique perspectives were represented in the findings of this study—those

of Dev, Chris, Jacob, Daniel, Cameron, and Enrique; each participant identified as a gay man

during the incident. Their backgrounds and trajectories provide a richness to the overall

understanding of the gay male rape experience.

Given the highly sensitive and emotional narratives, the findings presented are based on

a re-storying of the data using the ORID Framework. Objective data refer to the facts of each

case, including demographic background. They outline how the participants described different

components of the experience, including the rape incident and their management thereafter.

Reflective data refer to the emotional component of the experience, how they reacted, and

how they described any introspective moments of the experience. Interpretive data refer to

50
how they make meaning of both objective and reflective data and any other understanding

they had of their experience. Finally, Decisional data refer to action steps and any other course

of action(s) the participants took because of the objective, reflective, and interpretive

descriptions of their experience.

The rationale for this structure was to present these narratives with minimal bias,

highlighting the descriptions provided by the participants themselves. Considering that the

following includes the depictions of each participant’s rape incident in detail, please be warned

that the excerpts may potentially be triggering for some readers.

Dev

You could be the most defensive driver out there, which I was because I
insisted on a condom, but someone with a death drive or someone who's
inebriated or just a bad driver comes and crashes into you. That’s not
really your fault, and that might actually make you not want to drive. But
there’s times when you simply have to… There’s... It’s just not something
that can be avoided, but you avoid it for as long as you can.

Dev is an openly gay foreign-national from India, whose incident occurred in his early

20s. While his family was a tight-knit, prominent Hindu family during his childhood, his religion

has since become surface-level and he does not actively practice his Hinduism. Prior to the

incident, he had earned a master’s degree and has since earned a doctoral degree; he works in

the health profession. Unfortunately, the experience presented was not the first experience,

with the first one occurring at the age of 13. Although Dev indicated there had been more than

one occurrence of sexual violence, he explained that the one described during our conversation

was the most impactful.

51
Objective Data

The following segment focuses on Objective data, also known as the hard facts of the

experience. This includes but is not limited to the rape incident, as well as processes that might

have occurred after the rape experience.

Queer Identity and Management. Dev was living in the Midwest at the time of the

incident, actively pursuing his doctoral degree in a health-related field. He was open about his

sexuality, deeming that it is important to establish representation of queer identities within his

field. Furthermore, his perspective was rooted in the science of sexuality, and he made this

connection through his academic field. However, he recognized that the science behind his

sexuality did not equate to happiness:

I was definitely out. I wasn’t an activist by any means, but I was definitely out. And I
think that was important, especially given the graduate program that I was in. I was in
an immunology program, and there is this thought of how STEM is above these
conversations of sexuality, and it doesn’t matter what your sexuality is or your gender
identity or your ethnicity is because you’re doing science and science is ultimate truth
overall. And that’s just simply not true because unhappy people or people who don’t
feel welcome will not produce good science, that’s just how it goes, as my experience in
the South at least taught me.

This ideology was very personal to Dev. Diving into his professional environment, the support

systems pushed the idea that keeping his sexual identity a secret would serve him better in

academia:

I thought it was important. It was important to be out, it was important to be visible

as a gay man in the department, so yes. And my program was very happy about this,
they really facilitated this. My doctoral mentor was a queer woman as well, so that also
made for an environment where I didn’t feel like I had to stifle myself. I suppose a
reason for this was also that when I was applying to graduate programs, there were a
lot of well-meaning friends who said that “You need to be less gay if you want to be
accepted into a lab.” And I was like, “That’s not going to happen. It’s too late, I’m out of
the closet, I can’t go back in again.”

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 This was also relevant in his non-academic relationships, including friendships. Dev’s

social circle was dominated by people who shared similar interests, particularly colleagues who

were involved with academia:

I used to go out, I had a steady group of friends who were queer, they were all
graduate students as well. So yeah, it was fine. I felt like I belonged because there was a
niche that I belonged to.

The Incident. Dev was not actively dating, but he was actively using mobile applications

(apps) such as Grindr, a popular gay dating app, to seek sexual connections. He had made a

connection with the perpetrator, who is a self-identified heterosexual male. The familiarity with

the perpetrator was minimal, as they engaged in small doses on the app. When there was an

opportunity to meet, the perpetrator would back out:

This was a straight guy, self-described. He and I had spoken on Grindr a couple times
where he was a torso, which should be really disturbing, we shouldn’t be talking to
torsos without heads, but I feel Grindr has desensitized us to do that. But he did have a
head and a face ultimately, thankfully, but what ended [up] happening was we talked
for several months and we tried to get together, and he usually got cold feet and I was
like, “Well, you’re probably struggling with your sexuality right now, and that’s fine and I
don’t want to be your therapist or your fairy godmother, not for fee anyway.” So, figure
it out. But I was never hostile by any means. If he ever wrote to me, I would always
respond, we exchanged numbers at one point, but it was still a very surface level.

Eventually, Dev and the perpetrator would connect in person. Dev considered the event

to be enjoyable, considering the anticipation built up from months of conversing on the app.

Prior to engaging in sex, the perpetrator insisted on not wearing a condom. Dev told the

perpetrator that since he was not on pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), medication used to

prevent exposure to HIV, a condom was required. However, the perpetrator during sex decided

to remove the condom without consent, an act known as “stealthing”:

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 [At] some point, during the time that we were having sex, he pulled off the condom
that I had insisted he wear because that was also a thing with him, he was like, I do not
want to wear a condom. I was like “I’m not on PrEP...” I wasn’t on PrEP at that time, and
this is just simply not a risk that I want to take right now. I have a thesis to write and an
STI right now would not be ideal. Yes, he took off the condom halfway through; once he
finished, he left very quickly. I didn’t immediately realize what had happened until I was
cleaning up afterwards.

Seeking and Avoiding Support. Throughout the journey, Dev sought support from various

avenues, including medical, friends, and colleagues. The following presentation of findings are

presented in the sequence Dev described as both his search and avoidance of support.

Initially, after the incident, Dev described seeking support at his local medical center;

searching for a course of action that included HIV testing and the implementation of a post-

exposure prophylaxis. This was based on a skill set developed as a result of his experience as a

gay man:

I went into the student health center where I spoke fairly explicitly with the doctor as
to what had happened, and their plan actually at that point was to prescribe a high dose
of Truvada and one more medication that was post-exposure prophylaxis, PEP.

Dev described that there was a miscommunication with the doctor who treated him. As the

conversation moved on, Dev felt comfortable with the doctor, as the doctor sought to make

him feel more comfortable by explaining that it was not his fault:

He handled it very well, though. He said, “Well, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying
that you’re sexually active and it makes sense for you to take this precaution.” And he’s
like, “Because something like this, it’s not your fault.” He’s like, “Think of it like driving,
you could be the most defensive driver out there, but if someone who is inebriated or
just a bad driver crashes into your car, that is not your fault.” He said, “So that’s sort of
how I would look at this incident and perhaps PrEP might be a good step for you.”

Following this encounter with medical professionals, Dev approached a good friend who had

been through a similar situation, but did not feel better after the conversation:

54
 Almost immediately after it happened, I talked to a friend who did contract HIV from
something like this, where someone stealthed him as well. They got rid of the condom
halfway through and sure enough. That wasn’t helpful. I didn’t walk away from that
conversation feeling a lot better, but there’s something to be said about not being alone
in a certain experience.

Through this experience of seeking support, Dev also avoided support. This included

support from work and extracurricular activities. He recognized how it impacted his interactions

with these various contexts:

I would look at the data, and I’d be like, “Wow, I’m always going to associate this data
with a really awful, really awful time.” But I never showed it. I never talked about it to
my boss. I didn’t say, “I cannot look at those graphs ‘cause it is an instant reminder of
rape.” As far as psychologically or emotionally, I think I was a lot more withdrawn. I
would go out less, I would hang out with my friends less. My libido essentially died.

Nevertheless, Dev felt that it was beneficial by maintaining a sense of normalcy by remaining

dedicated to his commitments, not only with his work but at the time being involved in a play.

Despite pressure from his castmates, he felt it was important to participate:

I talked about it to some of my castmates at the time who essentially said that like,
“Drop out of the play,” or like, “Don’t do this, because your monologue is just so explicit
when you go up there. And like you shouldn’t have to go through that because you’ve
committed to doing a show.” Which I think was speaking a lot to the personality that
they knew that I had, where if I was going to commit to something, I was gonna see it
through as much as I could.

Strategies and Management. Dev had a multitude of strategies, outside of seeking

support, that he leveraged to manage his experience. This included self-education, distraction,

and grounding himself. For instance, after realizing that he had been stealthed, Dev utilized his

background as a researcher to explore literature about HIV and what to do in the event one has

been exposed:

I started doing my reading about what are some of the things you could do for
potential exposures to STI, to HIV, potentially, and that very next morning.

55
Distracting himself by keeping busy with work, travel, and family was another strategy that he

leveraged. He was reaching the end of his tenure as a doctoral student, so he used this time to

focus on the next phase of his life rather than engulf himself in the incident. He believed that

this was helpful at the time and helped him persevere:

I wouldn’t necessarily call this a hindrance; I saw it as a management tactic at the

time. Because the end of graduate school is so stressful, there are a million things that
need to get done. I was also flying out for post-doc interviews, exploring cities, exploring
labs. My parents were coming to town, they were flying in from the Middle East for
graduation. So, all of that was a good escape, so it prevented me from sitting with it for
too long.

Finally, a strategy Dev used to manage this experience was meditation and grounding

himself. He described that there were multiple moments where he would leverage this strategy

to manage the experience:

I would have to convince myself and be like, “Well, you are not in the Middle East
anymore, or you are not in that place where the assault happened. You are in your
apartment. You have so and so experiment, or these many things lined up for the next
day.” It would take some time to come back to reality and realize that you’re not in that
space right now, and that you’re not in immediate danger.

Reflective Data

The following section focuses on the reflective components, including the emotions and

feelings of the experience. Nevertheless, this section describes Dev’s reflections not only on the

incident but also on the various interactions with other segments of the experience.

Shame. Dev explained that the initial reaction to the incident, the stealthing by the

perpetrator, resulted in shame. It was a sensation that he described throughout his experience,

and its commonality within this experience was overwhelming, considering the violent act he

experienced. Dev graphically described the moment when this sensation first overcame him

during his recognition of what had occurred:

56
 As I was cleaning up, and that was the moment where I felt his cum running down my
leg ‘cause I was doing it and I was like this is not lube. This is a lot more than lube. And
then the appearance was very clear.... It was very clear to me what had happened. And
it led to a lot of shame in that moment.

This feeling was not an isolated incident. Dev explained that he commonly felt this in various

contexts, even when he was trying to improve himself, including interactions with medical

professionals. However, most profoundly, Dev described that he felt the alignment of shame

during the moments when he would look at himself in the mirror—a time when he would try to

take pride in the hard work on his body:

I’d catch an image of myself in a mirror at the gym, and it would start with this
admiration of how I looked, followed by a castigation of how I looked. As to where I was
blaming my appearance for what happened, and there was a tendency to go back into
the past of other non-consensual encounters that were less traumatizing than this.
Because what those essentially look like is when you are with someone that does not
take no for an answer, and then you just sort of submit. It’s the easiest way to get them
out of your apartment as quickly as possible, or to leave as quickly as possible. So, I think
that’s a lot of how shame manifested.

The idea of self-blame was continuously rooted in how Dev viewed his body.

Furthermore, it did not help his feelings of self-blame that he felt pressured to change his body

image because of his perception of the gay community (outlined in the following interpretive

data segment):

And not just the consequence of...of changing my appearance, but also the
consequence of wanting to do it. From a very moral standpoint, it’s arrogant, it’s proud,
it shows a certain amount of pride that you want to be desirable, and pride is a sin,
pride is bad and that's why you are facing these consequences.

Guilt and Self-Blame. While shame was a common occurrence, Dev succumbed to

moments of guilt and self-blame. This was a common theme in his reflection on inviting the

perpetrator into the place he believed he was safe:

57
 I blame myself for trusting him and essentially just being the person that I am,
I went into damage control mode instantly.

However, despite his belief that he would be supportive of someone who is navigating through

a similar situation, Dev associated this guilt with his perceived lack of ability to control the

situation:

I think I see it as a fault in myself for not being able to either identify that someone
was off, or not being able to control the situation faster. Not being able to diffuse it
quickly. Would I really say this to anyone else who’s gone through something like this?
Absolutely not. I would be very supportive of their mental state, and it’s definitely not
the victim’s fault ever, but as far as victim blaming for the self goes, like that’s a whole
other story.

Psychological Implications. Dev would have difficulty sleeping because he would have

bad dreams. He described that not all the dreams were related to the incident, but they came

at a higher frequency. He described his frustration as how nothing would help manage them.

However, it was not only the bad dreams that made impact but the moments of silence:

Though there were bad dreams, there were times when you’re alone by yourself in
silence and you’re trying to distract yourself with television, but it’s not working.

Sadly, Dev experienced moments of suicidality because of the incident. He did mention that it

was not an issue until he disclosed the incident to his therapist and began having thoughts of

suicide:

Suicidality had not been a factor. But it wasn’t until I discussed this with my therapist.
This entire subject, the whole cursed history, when I felt these pangs of “Let’s...I’m
gonna walk into the river with stones in my pockets.”

Interpretive Data

In the following segment, the presentation of findings is outlined as interpretive data,

where the participant described how he made meaning of various elements of the experience.

58
 A Hypersexual Community. When asked about his perception of the gay community,

Dev described a multifaceted understanding, rooted in a hypersexualized culture, and filled

with toxic body image expectations. This internalized perspective caused Dev to gauge that this

was a concrete difference between him and his heterosexual counterparts:

It would raise these harder conversations about casual hookups, and I think straight
people also have a very different understanding of what, or like no understanding of the
sexual dynamics of gay men.

As a result of a hypersexualized community, Dev associated sex as a form of validation. This

proved to a common practice for Dev as he believed that sex not only was a form of validation,

but also a way to numb pain caused by internalized homophobia, a feeling that was

exacerbated by the incident:

It wasn’t always about being horny. A lot of all the times it had to do with validation.
This was especially apparent in the South because I was deeply unhappy for many
reasons and I would attempt to screw my pain away, so to speak.

Body Image and Social Connection. Dev described how his connectivity to the gay

community was at a minimum because of how he experienced body image. He expressed how

one’s value is determined by how one looks. This impacted his relationships and search for

connection within the community:

There’s a great value judgment that’s made, there’s a great premium that’s placed on
one’s appearance in the community, which is something that I still struggle with while
trying to conform to the same beauty standard, it’s complicated.

Dev aligned this experience not only with the ideology that the gay community has toxic body

image issues, but that it concretized the ideas instilled by his father growing up; image is

important to success in life:

[When] you’re gay and you realize that this is also something that goes on in the
community, it’s something that... It reinforces these childhood biases, and you almost
59
 have to think that perhaps my father was right, maybe there is a lot of premium that’s
placed on one’s appearance as opposed to the content of one’s character or the skills
that you bring to the table.

However, despite this belief that having a perfect body would be beneficial, Dev

conceptualized the idea of having a better body as a rationale to be attacked by his perpetrator.

He would find it difficult to exercise at the local gym without associating his progress and it as

an influence on why he was attacked:

I would be looking in the mirror and thinking, “Oh, shoulders are coming in very
nicely.” which would be immediately followed by a voice that said like, “Well, this is
exactly why this happened to you because you...” It’s this combination of having a
certain physique and perhaps this ineffable desperation or benightedness that you give
off that causes people to think that they can take advantage of you.

Although it has been years since his incident, Dev acknowledged that he is still managing

his perspective on his body, believing that it is associated with his perception of the gay

community:

I will say this, though, that my relationship with my body has not changed. It still is a
source of a lot of consternation. It’s still a source of a lot of...it feels like a project that
keeps making me...that’s constantly under renovation, that constantly needs to be
improved.

When asked how he would describe his learning from the experience, particularly his

recognition of his body obsession and how it translates to his sexual assault experience, Dev

explained that the experience created a space for him to gain a better understanding on how

his body relates to potential relationships:

That there’s still a lot of work to be done emotionally about dealing with both issues
that have to do with my body as well as sexual assault and the intersection of the both
of them. I don't know if I’m ready to completely do that, perhaps piecemeal from time
to time. Maybe it would be helpful to start with just talking about my body with my
therapist then delving into the sexual assault stuff, we’ll see. But I’ve also seen that this
is exactly why I’m not a good boyfriend candidate because a meaningful relationship, at

60
 least to me, I think requires a lot of vulnerability and I don’t think I’m ready to share that
with someone.

Secondary Victimization. As this segment outlines the interpretive components of Dev’s

experience, it is important to present the moments he experienced of Secondary Victimization.

Secondary Victimization, by definition, is when victims feel as though they are being victimized

by parties who are supposed to offer them support (Jackson et al., 2017). When Dev relocated

to the South, he described how meeting with a therapist and rehashing the experience with the

therapist created a sense of victimization:

I got in touch with a therapist where we’ve started to talk about this. It hasn’t been
great because it is still something that once you start really probing into the details and
you start talking about feelings at the time, and as I suspected you do kind of have to go
through your history of sexual abuse, that isn’t great. It has led to a lot of anger on my
part. It has led to a lot of shame.

This was not an isolated incident with Dev’s move to the South. He sought medical assistance to

follow up on his PrEP prescription. Immediately, he felt victimized and shamed as the doctor

was misinformed about the use of PrEP, and Dev was forced to educate the doctor on his

diagnosis:

It was astounding that I had to educate them myself a little bit because one of them
saw that Truvada was one of my prescriptions, and he was like, “Are you HIV positive?”
And I was like, “No. I'm not. This is PrEP. It’s not....” He sort of accused me, I think lying
or not being completely transparent on the intake forms that they give you. He was like,
“Well, your intake says that you’re not HIV positive but you are on Truvada, so are you?”
And I was like, “No. No, I’m not, it’s PrEP.” And he’s like, “But Truvada is an anti-HIV
medication. Are you HIV positive?” And I was like, “No.”

Secondary Victimization is generally aligned with medical and mental health

professionals. However, Dev described when he felt this to be the case with his friends after he

disclosed to them that he had been raped:

61
 One straight friend who I talked to about this said that “Oh, you should go report this
guy. You have his details; you have his number. You should report him.” And I’m like, “I
don’t want to. I don’t want to rehash this with cops, especially not the local PD.” Which
is a good old boys club who pay a lot of lip service to being supportive of the LGBT
community, but from what I’ve heard is not supportive at all. And secondly, I don’t want
to go to the cops again because of that experience when I.... Even with the Middle East
police department when I was younger wasn’t the greatest. And my friends said, they’re
like, “Well, don’t you feel responsible? Because he could go do these to other people
and you could actively be avoiding this.” And I was like, “I will not have this guilt trip laid
upon me.” So, at that point, I was like, this is not worth it, to talk to with people.

Decisional Data

The following excerpts represent the various decisions Dev made within the overall

experience of his rape. These decisions are a result of the Objective, Reflective, and Interpretive

data points, separately and/or collectively.

Changes in Behavior and Perspective. Dev disclosed prominent behavior changes to

how he seeks sexual partners. While he still uses popular gay dating mobile applications, Dev

explained how he is more selective about with whom he interacts on the app, as well as sexual

and dating partners:

I’m a lot more selective. I don’t hook up quite as much anymore. If anything, I’m
leaning more towards actually meeting people, getting to know them. Hinge is an app
that I use a lot more now. Tinder from time to time. Grindr less so.

When asked about how he changed sexually, Dev described how the experience brought him to

a shift in moral perspectives, as well as developing a less judgmental mindset when it comes to

safe-sex and preventative ventures. He described his perspective to be “sex positive”:

Well, I’m on PrEP, for one. And it allowed me to face some of my own biases about
PrEP. I don’t think I personally felt that someone who was on PrEP was immoral or
promiscuous. Because I’ve been promiscuous, I don’t really have the right to judge
anyone, to do that and it’s fun. Someone else’s sex life is not my business essentially. So,
I’m a sort of PrEP agnostic, I guess. Because I think for a lot of people there is this loaded
idea, it’s like, “Oh, it’s the gay birth control pill.” Sort of where you can have.... This is
what you normally hear from straight people. But there are certain gay men who do this
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 as well. You’ll often see, at least in the early years of PrEP, there was this thought of like,
“Well, we don’t know how protective it is and it’s a license to be as careless as possible
when it comes to sex.” Once I was on PrEP, of course I had to read about it and learn
about it and I did realize that it was incredibly safe. There’s a lot of data over perhaps a
decade or more that shows how safe it is. And there’s a certain admiration towards
research. I am in biomedical research, but to see what it used to be like in the ‘80s…
…we’ve reduced it now to almost a chronic condition that’s perhaps more easily
managed than diabetes, [it] is impressive. So, I’d say it’s made me a lot more sex
positive. Even though I thought I was very sex positive in the past, but even more so.

Dev went further by describing the shift and how he views preventative measures as a form of

protection rather than what he viewed as a justification for risky behaviors. This was a shift

from the formulated assumptions on which he had based his interactions within the gay

community:

[I thought] this is a license to be careless. Being on PrEP is a license to be careless.

And I realized that that’s just simply not true. And it was a little embarrassing that it
took me this long to get there because of someone who has been in positions where an
encounter has been non-consensual. You realize that it’s not about being careless, it is
about protecting yourself a lot of the times. So that mindset certainly changed.

As with the shift in his perspective on sexual protocols and engagements, there was also

a shift in his perspective on his worldview of how he manages trauma.

Furthermore, there was a recognition of how he has managed trauma in the past and

how he foresees his management in the future:

That the answers, the solutions, the ability to transcend this is within. I’ve been
running around a lot. I’ve been running since I was in the Middle East. I ran all the way
to the U.S. I changed cities from undergrad to Ph.D. I ran again to the South, and then I
ran from the South to New England, only to encounter the same problems over and
over again. In fact, my therapist in the South, the one who I had for about two seconds,
made an excellent point, where she was like, “We should go back to the root of...we
should revisit your sexual assault as a child, because it’s very likely that that is the root
of how depressed you are as an adult, and how you feel constantly inadequate, and this
strange drive for excellence, because you feel like the more excellent you are, the more
the number of accomplishments that you pile on, that will erase something that you see
as dirty.” And I found that to be very dramatic at that point. I was like, “This seems like
it’s a script. It seems very pop-psychological.” But I’ve thought about it more and I’m
63
 like, “Maybe there is something to it. Maybe this does need to be revisited.” So that’s
what it is. I think that as a person, I’ve realized that both the problem and the solutions
are within, I just need to dig them up.

Dev’s Final Thoughts

At the conclusion of the conversation, Dev was asked to think about anything he would

like to share that he felt would be important to the study. Candidly, Dev ended the

conversation with the following perspective:

The fact that it happens a lot and we don’t talk about it. And I don’t just mean
stealthing. I think that there are many flavors of non-consensual sex that occur within
the community that simply don’t get talked about, because either people don’t see
them as rape or assault, even though they do engender the same feelings of trauma. It’s
like the one that I was telling you, the few that I was telling you about, where it’s like
you’re with someone, you realize that you don’t want to be with them because they’re
either giving off a vibe that you find disturbing or you’ve changed your mind. You just,
you realize that the top you actually wanted was Halo Top and you want to go home
now, but they are really in the mood and they either guilt you or they refuse to take no
for an answer, and at that point you just submit. You’re just like, “Whatever. Let the pig
rut away and I’ll go home afterwards.” I think this happens a lot to so many people, and
we don’t think of it as rape, and I think that a lot of that has to do with this idea that it
needs to be a violent struggle. You need to be held down, but in fact even stealthing.... I
didn’t do the survey, but I have read about it, and I realize that a lot of people don’t
really see that as assault.

Chris

I felt like I could feel the HIV swimming around in my body and in some
ways, it was like being on a bad trip, like where you...I didn’t know what I
felt was real, and what wasn’t real, I did not.... I felt like I felt HIV
swimming, around in my body.

Born and raised in the South, Chris is a White gay male in his early 40s, whose incident

occurred in his late mid-20s. Prior to the incident, he had completed his associate degree. While

he did begin his bachelor’s degree program, he never finished. He described his family to be

close and deeply connected to their Pentecostal Christian faith. This faith created a sense of

fear for Chris, as he described homophobic attitudes instilling a fear of hell. The dynamics
64
changed for his family in his early 20s when he and his father virtually simultaneously revealed

their homosexual identities. Not only was Chris managing his sexual identity with his family, but

his first sexual assault experience was caused by his father’s male lover. Despite this, since

coming out as a gay man, Chris remains a devout Pentecostal Christian, but attends church with

a strong support system for the gay community. The incident presented is not the first one for

Chris, nor was it the second or third. However, it was the last and what Chris described to be

the most egregious and impactful.

Objective Data

The following section focuses on objective data, also known as the hard facts of the

experience. This includes but is not limited to the rape incident as well as processes that may

have taken place after the occurrence.

Gay Identity, Coming Out, and First Sexual Assault. Throughout his life, Chris struggled

with his homosexual identity. Given his strong religious convictions, Chris said, “I still was trying

to fit myself into a heteronormative world.” He felt pressure to suppress his identity to appease

his family and faith. The pressure was rooted in his upbringing and his interactions with church

leaders. Chris described it as follows:

I grew up more with gay is wrong. I actually went to therapy through the church
when I was 19, 20. The counselor from the church told me God would kill me to save my
soul from damnation of being gay.

When Chris came out as gay, it was coincidentally parallel to his father’s coming out. This

created somewhat of a division within his family, pinning his father and himself against his

sisters and mother:

Everything was so complicated by the fact that my dad coming out. He was married
to my mother and my younger sister still lived at home when he came out. She’s the
65
 only one who lived at home, so it was weird for her because she still lived there when
my dad just moved into a different room in our house. It was hard for both of my sisters
and my mother. It’s almost like they were trying to process my coming out and my dad’s
coming out at the same time. It blurred the lines between. For a while, my sister was
almost like she put me on one side with my dad, and her and my other sister with my
mom, like we were on two different teams.

Chris then went on to describe how his coming out impacted his relationship with his sister, and

how there was a shift within his family’s interpersonal relationships:

It was just a matter of like, my sister, my one sister was like, “You coming out is very
different than dad coming out obviously, and I’m totally okay with you coming out, but
I’m trying to process dad coming out, but it kind of blurs things.” ‘Cause she’s like...she
doesn’t wanna talk to me about the whole thing, but I’m also processing my dad coming
out and my parents.... My dad was so filled with guilt about everything that he’s like,
“Whatever your mom wants.” He’ll give whatever she wants, and every conversation
with my dad kind of revolved around the guilt he felt about my mother.

Chris’s father’s first same-sex partner was an alcoholic and made sexual advances

towards him. He described how this would create an added complication to the relationships

within his family:

The first person my dad got involved with and moved in with was an alcoholic and he
made a pass at me when he was drunk one night, and it was just very weird and
uncomfortable. And then he called me a slut and I was just like...it was just, it was
messy, and I didn’t know how to...I didn’t know what to do with that because “Who am
I gonna talk to about that now? I don’t wanna bring that up.” It just made everything
weird ‘cause it’s like, you know, I can’t say...I don’t wanna say anything about my dad or
my dad’s boyfriend to my mom or my sisters, I don’t wanna... It just was weird because
it’s like you can’t communicate about things going on because it’s...you don't wanna
upset the fragile balance that the family is trying to keep, because we’ve always still
done holidays together, we’ve always still done everything together. I mean my parents
are still married legally 20 years later. But it was just constant. It was just like, you’re
trying not to cause this car to topple over, that is... It feels like it could fall over at any
time, and the balance is very... You just try to keep this balance. And even with talking
to my parents about things, it’s like, oh, if I told mom this first, dad’s gonna be hurt.

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 Balancing Act and Making Connections. Chris explained how he was seeking to make

connections in the gay community. He described his connections to be primarily brief sexual

encounters. This led him to engage in risky behavior at a local university bathroom:

Most of my sexual experience was coming from sucking dick in bathrooms at the local
university. And I can laugh about most of that stuff now, but so much of that was...
That’s so much of where I made my connections, if you... But like I was doing those
things, and there was a few times...there was one time where things got kinda of dicey
when I was doing that, where a guy wanted to...he wanted to fuck me and I didn’t want
to get fucked, I just had wanted to suck dick, and he got aggressive with me and luckily,
we were in a bathroom at the university.

When asked how his identity impacted his professional life, Chris explained that he would try to

maintain a heteronormative presentation. However, this did not prevent him from experiencing

harassment from his coworkers. As this occurred, he refused to bring up the experience to

management, as he did not want to bring attention to himself:

I mean, people wrote vulgar things about me in the employee restroom/bathroom,

and it was on the wall, on the stall wall there forever, and I wasn’t gonna bring it up
because I didn’t wanna bring any more attention to myself because every time
something happened. I was called a faggot by customers in front of managers, and no
one ever said anything.

Chris then described a sense of immunity to these homophobic attacks, as he said they existed

even before coming out:

I didn’t really deal with people making sexual comments to me, like in that way, most
of what I had dealt with had always been like being called faggot and things like that,
had been slurs, and I’d grown up with more of that even long before I ever came out.

As Chris sought to find balance with his sexual identity and his faith, he began to attend

a local church. Here, he sought out gay connections that did not revolve around sex.

Furthermore, it gave him an opportunity to continue practicing his faith:

I’d been going to the Gay Pentecostal Church, I’d seen more...I really have felt like I
was connected with the gay community, and I could connect with people outside of sex,
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 but I really felt like I was not very... I felt very disconnected from the... I felt like most of
the people who were in church and everything, I felt like they were better than me, and
they had morals and they had a better moral compass, ‘cause I was still struggling as far
as with what... I was still trying to take one idea of what morality is and what is okay
with sex.

The Incident. Although Chris mentioned that he had experienced multiple occasions of

sexual violence, he believed that this incident was the most impactful. What started out as a

night out of heavy drinking resulted in rape by two unknown assailants who offered him a ride

home. The perpetrators then asked to use his bathroom and violently raped him, not using

protection:

He offered me a ride home, and I was like, “Just a ride home. That’s all I want is a ride
home, it’s right over there, but just a ride home.” And he’s like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, man.
Just a ride home, just a ride home.” And so, he gave me a ride home and then his friend
was in the car and...or his friend got in the car, and then we go over and then he’s like,
“Hey, man, can I come up and use the bathroom?” And I was like, “Sure. You can use the
bathroom.” And his friend stayed in the car, and he came up to use the bathroom, and
then I kind of passed out on the bed, and then his friend was there and we’re in... I had
a king-size bed in my bedroom and it took up most of my bedroom, and I just remember
when he’d come in to use the bathroom, and I was like, “Use the bathroom in my
bedroom,” I was like, “Be quiet, and I don’t wanna wake up my roommate ‘cause he has
to work in the morning,” and it was a Sunday night. I tried to be respectful of my
roommate because he had to work a Monday through Friday job, and I worked... I was a
manager at the grocery store so my schedule’s all over the place. And the reason I say
this is because I had been so like, “Don’t wake up my roommate, be quiet....”

So I’d passed out on the bed, and it was one of those where you pass out and you’re
still wearing your clothes and you’re like, he was kinda tall, and so I’m like basically
laying...I'm in the perfect position to have sex, that’s how I passed out, ‘cause I’m just
bent over the bed. When I’m kinda coming to...he’s like playing with my ass and he’s
taking my pants off and I was like, “No man, no man, I don’t want...I don’t wanna do
this.” And his friend is there, like his friend has come up and they’re both in there and I
told them I don't wanna do this. And they were...they were like, “You know you want
this black dick.” It was just there. They’re like, “You know you want this.” And it was like,
“No, no.” And then his friend’s kinda holding me down on the bed, ‘cause his friend had
gone up on the bed and it’s like that drunk.

I just remember him being like, “Shh, shh. You don’t wanna wake up your roommate.
You don’t wanna wake up your roommate. Stop making noise. You don’t wanna wake
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 up your roommate.” And I was like, “I don’t want... Can’t y’all just leave? I told you, I
don’t wanna do this.” And...I don’t know, I'd zoned out. I was very much not in my body,
I felt like I was not in my body, and I’m like, “I just need to let this happen so that they
don’t wake up my roommate so that I like... And then it’ll be over soon.” And he fucked
me without a condom, and his friend had his dick in my mouth for a little bit, but...I
don’t think he fucked me. I don’t really.... At that point, I really don’t remember a lot of
what happened within the context of.... I just remember I went in a place in my head
where I was like, “I don’t...I deserve this, it’s...I just....” I mean, honestly, a part of me
was like, “I’m a slut anyway, what difference does it make at this point, like why am I....
Who cares? Like what’s another dick in your hole?” I just zoned out from it, and then...I
don’t know, I was.... The next day, I honestly was like, “Maybe it was all just a dream.”

Seeking and Avoiding Support, Alcoholism, and Risky Behavior. Chris mentioned his

initial struggle with seeking support. It was not because he did not want to; he did not know

how to. Therefore, he initially kept the experience to himself. He described how he began to

rely on alcohol and how he was drinking to the extent where he would black out:

I’m fine, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Because that’s how I dealt like...I don’t know. My
drinking was very destructive in a lot of ways, but I also think it kept me alive in other
ways because I didn’t know how to cope with the things I felt and I still struggle, even
now.

Chris eventually told a friend about it. However, he did so while under the influence of

alcohol. He described the incident as though he needed alcohol to disclose it to his friend:

I did tell my best friend about it, she... And at the time...well, I should say a little bit
later, I told her about it. At the time, when I told her I was drunk, when I told her that.
‘cause that’s how I did things. And she called me concerned about me and was talking to
me and I was like, “I’m fine, it wasn’t that big of a deal.” Because that’s how I dealt
like...I don’t know. My drinking was very destructive in a lot of ways, but I also think it
kept me alive in other ways because I didn’t know how to cope with the things I felt and
I still struggle, even now.
When he sought help from a mental health professional, Chris would avoid talking about

the incident. He described that this was a common occurrence whenever he would speak to his

therapist:

The therapist I was seeing, I would talk...I would go into...I would delve into
something, and you know how Forrest Gump says, “That’s all I have to say about that.” I
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 would just stop, and I would be like, “That’s all I have to say about that.” And he’s like,
“Okay.” Like, “Let’s unpack this more.” I was like, “No, really, I don't wanna do that right
now.”

Eventually, Chris described that this event, as well as alcoholism, resulted in him engaging in

risky behavior, including Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and

Masochism (BDSM). He described an ongoing behavior of alcohol-induced behavior with

strangers. He associated that the physical pain induced on him would hide the emotional pain.

Furthermore, when he disclosed this behavior to his best friend, she explained how this put him

in another position where he could not necessarily consent to such interactions:

I would get fucked up and then go over to his house and let him beat the fuck out of
me with whatever that was consensual, but completely consensual, but I was not really
in a place where I could give consent, so it’s kinda.... I was not like I was completely
fucked up. I was letting him like smother me and put plastic bags on my head, and I
thought he broke some ribs once.

But the physical pain took me out of my emotional pain, I felt like I was escaping. It
was easier for me to process this physical pain I feel than dealing with the emotional
pain, ‘cause I feel like the dam just broke after we broke up, but I promised my best
friend that I would stop engaging in that behavior when I was drunk. She’s like, “If you
wanna get into BDSM and S&M all these things, that’s fine. But do it safely. Stop doing it
when you’re drunk, where you can’t....” She’s like, “You can’t really give consent for that
when you’re drunk.”

HIV Contraction. Chris described how immediately after the incident, it was his first

instinct to go get an HIV test. The results were reactive, which means he was positive for the

virus. After taking an additional test at the request of the medical provider, it came back again

as reactive. Chris described the experience of realizing that as a consequence of the rape, he

had contracted HIV:

I can stop at the... I could stop and get my HIV test. ‘Cause I get HIV tests every three
months. And I went in and...I guess every three months, it’s not really.... This is the first
time I’m not feeling any anxiety, like nothing.... And the guy goes, “It’s reactive. We have
to do it again.” I was like, “What does that mean?” Like, “It’s reactive?” He’s like, “Well,
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 it just was reactive, so we have to do it again.” But what they’re not saying is that it
came back positive, so they have to run it again. So, on the quick test.... And my mind
went completely blank. I said, “Okay.” We did it.

I went outside and chain-smoked cigarettes for the 20 minutes waiting, and then I go
back inside and he was like, “So it came back reactive again.” And in my mind, I am like, I
don’t even know what to say, and I just sit there like nothing.... And the guy was like,
“Are you okay?” I was like, “I’m fine. I’m fine.” And I go outside, and I remember
standing in the parking garage looking out, ‘cause it’s kind of like...it’s like, there’s trees
and all this stuff behind where the place is and my thought was, if I fall off of this
parking garage, can my mom never know that I got HIV?”

Reflective Data

The following section presents the reflections, including feelings and emotions,

associated with the previously outlined Objective data. This segment outlines Chris’s reactions

not only to the incident, but also to other components of the experience.

Disconnection and Self-Blame. When asked about how he felt initially after the rape

and what emotions emerged, Chris responded, “I felt so disconnected from my body in every

way.” He was asked to elaborate further, as he described that he felt a sense of

embarrassment, shame, and self-blame. This caused him to avoid people around him:

I didn’t talk to anyone about it because I was embarrassed and mortified that I’d
been so stupid again.

He went on to describe how he felt that this was his fault:

It’s my fault for all of it. Because I already blame myself for the times.

After asking him to elaborate why he believed it was his fault, he described it as follows:

I blame myself for all the things that happened because I put myself in these
situations. In my mind, I’m like, “Well...” I blame myself for them, I was like...I don’t
know, I just felt like I brought it on myself, and I felt like I deserved it, I deserve
whatever happened and after that night, I stopped going out for a little bit, I stopped...
Well, I shouldn’t say I stopped going out. I avoided any kind of sexual...putting myself in
any sort of sexual situation for a while, but I also started to feel kind of sick.

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 Chris continued to explain how he felt he was to blame for the incident because he had

not spoken up or put up a stronger fight against the perpetrators. He described how the

following questions would be a recurrence in his mind:

Because I already blame myself for the times I didn’t speak up, so...why shouldn’t I
blame myself for the times I did say no? What is the difference?

To add to his initial reflections, Chris described a sense of feeling that he got what he deserved.

This was based on his understanding of his faith, describing it as God’s judgment:

Well, I should say, I felt like God, my judgment had finally come. I got the HIV, which
was my punishment from God for being gay, that’s where I’d gone in my head and I
drank a lot more. And that’s where...I mean, I can’t even tell you what drugs I may or
may not have been doing at the time, because I was generally in a blackout for a long
time.... After my diagnosis, I pretty much was...I went to work, but I felt... Which I don’t
know if you want me to go into any of this stuff.

Psychological Implications. While he mentioned briefly about having these sorts of

thoughts after obtaining positive HIV test results, Chris mentioned how suicidality was a

common thought he had during this experience:

I just want to kinda not live through what this is, I don’t wanna do this.

This was not the only psychological implication Chris experienced. He also described

how he would hide in his bedroom closet to feel safe:

I started sleeping in the closets, there was actually a lot of time between that and the
December incident, but I have them so closely connected in my mind, because it was in
my house and I felt there’s missing pieces and I don’t have all the pieces and I don’t.

Aside from suicidality, Chris mentioned that he would have violent dreams about the

incident:

I started having dreams about everything...I started having dreams about things. I
was having dreams about.... At this point, after I got the diagnosis, I started having
dreams about everything.

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Interpretive Data

In the following segment is a presentation of findings outlined as Interpretive data,

where Chris described how he made meaning of various elements of the experience.

Sex and Body Image as Validation. Chris described a hypersexualized community to

which he felt a lack of connection because of his appearance. Because of this, he felt that it

would lead him to engage in sex simply to feel connected with someone:

I would have sex with people to feel a connection sometimes, just to not be feel
alone, but I didn’t really wanna have sex, I just wanted to have a connection, and so I
would zone out.

When asked to elaborate on his interpretation of this behavior, Chris described a sense of not

knowing how to engage with others, considering he did not know anyone who was out. This

created a sense that he had to engage in this behavior to feel connection with others like him:

I didn’t know how to interact. I didn’t know how to like; I don’t know how to date
anybody.... Nope. I didn’t know anybody who dated who was gay, and I felt a lot of guilt
around the sex that I was having and the way I was having it, but it’s the only way I knew
how to do it, I didn’t know...I didn’t know about meeting people other than on a gay
chat room. Which generally, I’d meet them, I’d be at the library, I would meet them in
a gay chat room, I’d go down to the bathroom and meet up with them, that’s how it
happened for the most part.

Chris then described how his body image impacted his decisions to engage in sex with

people. He made this connection to how men with his body type are presented in the media

and how they are devalued:

One of the little gay shows or whatever, they’re like, “Oh. Go for a chubby guy, they’ll
be so excited to have the hot guy that they’ll work harder and all that stuff.” And I’m
like, “That’s fucking horrible. That’s awful.” I’ve been that. I’ve been that person. I’ve
been that person who works harder for it. I’m just so happy that you want to have sex
with me. Like, “Oh. You wanna have sex with me? Oh my gosh.” I’ve been that person
and I was not in a good place.

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 Internalized Homophobia. Chris described how, through therapy, he began to realize

that he had internalized homophobia. He described how he was in denial regarding this, but his

therapist helped him understand how this was connected to his behavior:

I used to get upset with people like, “Why does he have to act so gay?” “Why is she
such a sissy?” Like all the things I would judge...especially the young kids, I’d be like
“motherfucker” like, “Why you gotta act like that?” And then I’m like, “Oh my God, I
wanted to be that.” I wanted to act like that, I wanted to do those things, and I had too
much shame around it, all these different pieces, like the internalized homophobia just
had its tentacle in all these different things around fears, like being scared to speak up
about stuff and...fuck what other people think. Like fuck them all. Like whatever, coming
to a point where I’m like, This is... You’re working through that. That’s what the journey
has been, and there’s.... Some days are better than others.

Decisional Data

The following section exemplifies the various decisions Chris made within the overall

experience of his rape. These decisions were results of the Objective, Reflective, and

Interpretive data points, separately and/or collectively.

Becoming Sober. Chris described how he realized that his alcoholism was taking a toll

on his life. With this realization, he joined a support group to help him heal through various

processes. He has since been sober for over 10 years:

Alcoholics Anonymous...AA. And then just through all of the different twelve-step
programs, I’ve connected with people and I found some very kink-positive and sex-
positive people, and they’ve helped me come to realize that we all make our own sexual
ideal, like what is it.... Our relationship ideals and I don’t have to.... Figuring out what
works for me and what type of relationships I want. I could probably stand to go back
into therapy again, I just.... There are still plenty of boxes for me to unpack.

Chris then described how through this support, he has been given tools to give himself, and his

voice, a sense of validity:

Well, I got sober and then I just started looking at things where...I was able to use
other tools, I was able to read things and understand things like, no means no, no
matter what. There is no... It doesn’t matter. Consent. Consent can be taken back. It is
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 not my fault. If I decide in the middle, you could be how many ever inches deep inside
me, and if I decide that I don’t wanna be here anymore, then I can say, I don’t wanna be
here anymore, and that is valid and that it’s fine. I can’t worry about them being
disappointed, I can’t worry about what they feel or think or whatever, I need to do right
for me.

Despite the progress he has made, Chris spoke of how he has developed an ability to set

boundaries. However, this is rooted in lack of trust in other people:

I’m a lot less trusting of people.... With situations, with people being.... I told
someone once if they wanted to sleep over, they had to sleep in the guest room, and
they were like, “What?” And I was like.... For whatever reason, I just didn’t feel like...I
didn’t feel comfortable.... Even though I’d already had sex with this person, they had
already been inside me, but I did not feel safe having them sleep in bed with me.

When asked, how he established those boundaries, Chris talked about how “using his words

and voice” are critical:

As far as if I’d never spoke up, like if I didn’t speak up, I can’t expect that person to
read my mind, but whatever the powerlessness I felt in that situation was.... Next time I
have to...I need to use my words, it’s not my fault, but I need to use my words, I need to
tell that...I need to communicate with that person what I’m feeling, ‘cause they don’t
know. They can’t read my mind. I’m capable, I am capable of having intimacy with
people, but if I don’t feel safe with some...I’m much more.... If I don’t feel safe with
someone, I don’t like...like I use my words around that now.

Chris’s Final Thoughts

At the end of the conversation, Chris was asked if he had anything he would like to

share that he thought would be beneficial to the study, or if there was anything he would say to

someone going through this experience. Chris provided the following perspective:

It’s not your fault. And whatever you’re feeling is valid, what you feel is valid. That is,
you don’t feel any shame around anything you’ve done or what has happened, don’t
feel shame around that, like you shouldn’t feel any shame, and even if you’ve had....
Whether you spoke up or whatever happened, it is.... Your feelings around whatever
happens are valid and... Talk through it. It’s like I would just say, talk through it.
Understand why. Why do you feel this way? Why do you feel shame around what
someone else did? And that’s the...that’s basically where I would just.... That’s what....
It’s the shame of it. Like that for me was the most crippling part, like was shame.
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Jacob

It’s definitely a journey, which is to say that I went from mourning the
relationship that had ended with my ex to this drunken evening leading to
the assault. The journey was sort of understanding over time, yes, it was
an assault, and then figuring out how I would integrate that into my
identity.

Jacob is a White gay male in his mid-40s from the Mid-Atlantic region of the United

States. The incident occurred 10 years prior. He had no religious or spiritual identity prior to the

incident, and that has not changed. It should be noted that despite this, Jacob did not declare

himself to be an atheist. Prior to the incident, Jacob obtained his bachelor’s degree and has

since earned his master’s degree. Jacob described that he has a good relationship with his

family, stating that his interactions both prior to and after the incident were positive. Jacob

described this incident to be his first and only incident with sexual violence.

Objective Data

The following segment focuses on Objective data, also known as the hard facts of the

experience. These include but are not limited to Jacob’s identity and rape, but also the

processes that may have taken place after the occurrence.

Queer Identity. When beginning our conversation, I asked Jacob to describe how he

perceived himself as a gay man. He described himself to have been someone who sought out to

collaborate with non-LGBTQ+ as well as anti-LGBTQ+ people for the greater good:

I was always trying to be the voice of reason, “Let’s build bridges. Let’s compromise.
You may disagree with me on this issue involving gay rights that I care very deeply about
and that impacts me personally, but I’m gonna stay in the conversation even if it’s
harmful to me and try to bring you along. And even be willing to excuse bad behavior
because I wanna make space for you to be on your own terms.

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Jacob continued to provide an image of how he is openly gay, considering he is active in

advocacy. Furthermore, he explained his consistent engagement within gay contexts, and how

the majority of colleagues and friends identified as queer:

I did the work, yeah. So, I was in gay contexts, if you will, gay environments a lot, and
lots of queer friends and cisgender. So, gender-conforming for the most part. And, yeah,
I understand my identity to have a political dimension, and so I will alternatively identify
as a gay man or as queer or both.

The Incident. Jacob described that this was his first and only incident of sexual violence.

The perpetrator was someone who was a work colleague, with whom he had little connectivity.

It started with an invite to go out and have a drink:

And then I ran into this guy, who committed the assault. He suggested that we go out
for a nightcap. And again, with the disclaimer that I had had a great deal to drink by that
point, I didn't really think anything of it. I knew him and he was a work colleague, and I
knew he was gonna be flying out the next morning. And I lived downtown at the time
and his hotel was nearby. So, we went to a bar downtown and switched from wine to
hard liquor, vodka, and drank a lot. We were there for a good several rounds.

I woke up with him on top of me and inside of me, and I had no recollection
whatsoever of getting there, of getting to the hotel. I had no recollection how the sexual
activity started. And I pushed him off of me and realized that number one, he wasn't
wearing a condom and, number two, there was blood in the bed, my blood. And so, I got
up and I got dressed, and I knew that we were within walking distance of my apartment.
So, I walked home and went to sleep. Or probably more accurately passed out, frankly.
And next thing I know my phone buzzed because I got a text, and it was from him, and it
was very early in the morning, like 6:00 AM, and he was at the airport flying out. And
the text was just, “Great to see you. Checking in to make sure you got home okay.”

It was after that text that Jacob was able to remember how the incident took place, painting a

picture in his mind of the sequence of events:

At that point, I remembered what had happened. I knew that I had gone to this
charity event, I knew that we had gone out for a nightcap, I knew that I had woken up in
the hotel with him assaulting me and that I had walked home. And what was uppermost
on my mind through the course of that day...

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 HIV Testing. Shortly after the incident, Jacob described his immediate plan to seek care

for potential HIV and/or other sexually transmitted infections:

The stress that I had to spend, if that makes any sense, from that Tuesday on was
really directed at the possibility of HIV or an STD. That was my sole focus. And so again, I
wasn’t processing what had happened or the politics of what had happened, or the
legality of what had happened because I was just so focused on what.... Whether or not
I had an STI.

The immediate recognition that blood was on the bed and no condom was worn ignited quick

action to seek a test. Jacob’s results were negative:

I had awareness of the fact that he had not worn a condom and that there was blood
on the bed, my blood. So, I needed to get an HIV test. And really, that was my focus.
And I wasn’t focused on what had happened, or even the fact that it was an assault. I
was much more focused on, “Oh my gosh, I had unprotected sex for the first time in my
life at that point, and there was blood.” So, I made an appointment with my PCP and got
the test and mercifully it was negative, which was a good thing.

Seeking and Avoiding Support. Prior to the incident, Jacob had been in therapy to work

through another issue. After the incident, he confided in his therapist about the event. At that

point, he had not disclosed his experience to anyone else:

I went into therapy a few years before because a very long...long-term relationship
ended. And he was actually my first boyfriend, so I needed support at that point, and I
was still seeing my therapist at the time of the incident. So, I confided in him. Really
nobody else, and certainly not the details.

Jacob eventually disclosed it to a close friend, with whom he had a friendship of over a decade.

She provided a sense of validation that the behavior was out of character for Jacob:

We went to college together. She lived in another city at the time, and I explained
what happened. Of course, she didn’t know him because she’s in a different line of
work, line of business. And she is very knowledgeable about these issues, very strong
feminist, and she is the person over the phone who said, “I think you were raped based
on your description, because you were not in a position to consent by virtue of the
alcohol, number one.” And because literally this woman had known me since I was a
teenager, she knew that I would not consent to unprotected sex, and so that to her...
and she and I have talked about this for years after, that to her was an alarm bell that I
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 had engaged in behavior that was really outside of the norm, and whether outside of
the norm or not, really dangerous.

Jacob went on to explain that he was aware of local resources that support sexual violence

victims. This was due in part of his work with a local nonprofit that worked with various LGBTQ+

organizations. Considering his close connection to these organizations, Jacob did not want to

seek support:

And I mean, the kind of sad, ironic thing is that I had worked for a nonprofit that did
work relating to sexual violence, and then had a professional relationship with sexual
assault centers. I represented a donor that supported them for many years. Their office
is literally next door to my apartment, and it never once occurred to me to go to them,
to call the hotline or to take advantage of the...support that they have around.... That’s
designed for survivors of intimate partner violence. I am not going to take advantage of
these services. And that’s partly a function of my personality and partly feeling like I was
already feeling enough like a victim, I didn’t wanna feel more like a victim by seeking out
victim services.

Changes, Distractions, and Alcoholism. When asked about any strategies that may have

helped him manage his experience, Jacob spoke about how he felt the need to move out of his

neighborhood. Shortly after the incident, he moved to another part of the area:

I moved that year. I really felt like I wanted to get out of the area. And I had been in
that area at that point for a decade, and I moved. I found a new apartment in a new
neighborhood, and I do think that that was also part of.... Given that there was such
proximity to that traumatic event, I wanted to get out. And I moved in August. The
assault happened in April, and I moved in August.

Jacob then explained that he took a big step in his life and attended graduate school. This not

only allowed him to engage with other people, but it also provided a distraction:

I remember the decision to do that was a really big.... It felt like a really big step
because I was having this new in-person graduate program in the evenings. So, I had to
go to campus, and I had to interact with students and be in group projects. And so it
took me sort of out of my shell in a big way. And that started, grad school started 2013,
so that’s about two years after the assault. But I would say for those two years I was not
in a good place.

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Furthermore, as part of the experience, Jacob disclosed that he began struggling with

alcoholism as a form of self-medication:

Also, I definitely was medicating with alcohol as a coping mechanism. I think that’s
really the other dynamic that emerged.

Reflective Data

The following section focuses on the reflective components of Jacob's experience,

especially the emotions and feelings. This is not limited solely to Jacob’s reflections on the

incident but as well on other components of the experience.

Becoming Withdrawn, Feeling Violated, and Self-Blame. Jacob described a sense of

shame, which was pushing him to disassociate with the world around him:

I was, I would say, withdrawn.

Aligning with his being withdrawn, Jacob removed himself from social connections. This

included not only interactions with friends, but any potential romantic partners. He stated that

this occurred for at least a year after the incident:

In the very near term, the assault happened in April. Really for the balance of the
year, I didn’t date, I didn’t hook up, I didn’t see people, and I think that was both a
conscious and a subconscious choice. I lost the appetite to date and to be physical and
sexual for almost a year after.

Jacob described how the incident created an inner sense of complicated emotions, as he

recognized his feelings were caused by the perpetrator’s criminal action:

Well, that something happened to me that was obviously very personal, which was to
say that I was violated as a human being, but that he broke the law.

Despite this recognition, Jacob struggled with self-blame. He associated this with his behavior

that night and his overconsumption of alcohol:

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 Was I to blame for having had that much to drink, which put me in a dangerous
situation? And even though I intellectually knew that this wasn’t correct, the...was I to
blame? Or did I...was I somehow asking for it in the fact that I had allowed myself to be
alone with this guy and be completely shit-faced? Was this just the natural result of
having made that bad choice? That was my bad choice and not his.

Interpretive Data

The following segment is a presentation of findings outlined as interpretive data. Here is

where Jacob describes how he made meaning of various elements of the experience.

Recognizing a Change in His Identity. Jacob described that with this incident, he

recognized this would become part of his identity. This was not an immediate revelation:

The journey was sort of understanding over time, yes, it was an assault, and then
figuring out how I would integrate that into my identity.

He described how it took some time for him to realize that this incident would add a new

component to his identity:

It really clicked that something had happened and that I had to begin processing a
new layer to my identity, which was a victim of assault, and over a period of time a
survivor of assault, and a victim and a survivor of rape. It’s not as if the light bulb went
off in that telephone call with my best friend, and it was like, “Oh yeah, I’ve been
raped.”

As Jacob continued to explain his understanding of how this incident added a layer to his

identity, he described a pivotal moment that allowed him to realize he was not at fault for the

incident. More than 5 years after the incident, the Me Too movement gained momentum, and

it allowed him the space to understand his identity:

And it took a while to come to terms with this, as I said, new layer of my identity, and
I found myself really thinking about it much more, actually, in the whole Me Too
movement. It brought it all back and forced me again to re-examine the layers of what
had happened, the recognition that though I did choose to become intoxicated, I did not
give consent and was assaulted, was raped, and that that’s not my burden…. And so, it’s
the micro-level impact and the macro-level impact, and understanding that as an assault
victim survivor, rape victim survivor are beyond just me as a person.
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 It situates me in a larger sociopolitical context with other people who have been
subject to this kind of violence, and that...it goes back to when I said I identify both as a
gay man and as queer. I think that I identify as a gay man because that’s me, that’s Jake,
that’s inside me. And queer is the fact that by virtue of my identity as a gay man, I am
plugging into as a larger system of societal oppression that absolutely has political and
social implications beyond just me. And so, I think of this in the same.... The incident,
the experience, the assault, in the same kind of way that it’s something that happened
to me personally, but that it’s also much larger than me in that it’s an ill and a disease in
society.

Issues with Body Image. Jacob mentioned that he recognized a sense of discomfort with

his body, aligning it with potentially a lack of trust that was a result of the incident:

Honestly, I don’t know what it was, whether it was lack of trust or.... In a weird way, I
remember that period of just not feeling very sexual, not feeling very...I definitely did
have more self-consciousness about my body and just the physicality of my body. Did I
feel attractive? Did I feel that I was appealing to other men? That sort of thing. So yeah,
it just...it definitely put me back on my heels a little bit.

Jacob further tied the lack of comfort in his body to the emergence of shame he felt because of

the incident. However, he recognized that he needed to work on this:

I definitely think that the shame of the assault and just feeling not really comfortable
in my body as a gay man, because for better or worse, this assault is tied to me being a
gay man, and an identity that I had had to come to terms with and had to work at to feel
positive about, now tied to this terrible moment where I was violated.

Change in Sexual Behavior as a Result of Incident. Jacob acknowledged a change in his

sexual behavior. He mentioned that prior to the incident, he was more submissive during sex

and attracted to more dominant/aggressive men. He recognized that the change in this

behavior was a result of being violated:

I started dating a new guy in the following February, so almost 12 months, I guess 10
months from the incident. And that became serious a couple months later and we were
together for two years, and that relationship didn’t work out for a variety of reasons.
And interestingly, one of the reasons that that relationship didn’t work out is that he
was very, very, very dominant and domineering, both physically and interpersonally.
And that just increasingly was not palatable to me. And there’s a part of it that was a
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 turn-on initially, and then over time it became much less of a turn-on. I don’t know how
much of that is attributable to the assault, but it did happen a year later. Yeah, I think
so. And I think even in the moment when it was a turn-on, I’m smart enough and self-
aware enough to be grossed out by it, because I had had this experience where an act of
dominance, an act of aggression was a violation, and that’s not a turn-on. So how gross
is it that I would find myself a year later attracted to someone who was dominant and
aggressive, not in a physical violating way, but in a sort of personality and disposition
kind of way. And that was a weird space to be in.

Decisional Data

The following segment represents the various decisions Jacob made aligned with the

overall experience of his rape. These are results of the various Objective, Reflective, and

Interpretive data points, separately and/or collectively.

Recognizing the Importance of Consent and Resilience. As a result of the incident,

Jacob described how he is more cautious with potential romantic relationships. He recognized

his power when it comes to consent and how it relates to his well-being. Furthermore, he has

become self-aware of his resilience:

I’m much more attuned to issues surrounding consent. And I don’t limit consent to a
sexual context, just willingness to agree around anything intimate. Whether it involves
a sex act or not. Consent is being very upfront and, in my mind, when I’m placed in
situations where those issues arise, I think I am less trusting of men, of gay men in
particular. And I have learned to be less trusting and more suspicious, especially when
trying to cultivate new romantic relationships, which hasn’t really been an issue during
the pandemic, but I obviously, I wish that the assault had never happened, but making
that.... I learned that I was stronger than I thought I was, which is to say that making the
transition from victim to survivor really was a meaningful transition for my own health
and well-being.

But also, just in my development as a human being and knowing that I had the
strength to dig deep and do that, even in moments when it made me feel really shitty,
that was a good thing, and that I think is part of being able to restore the self-confidence
that you need to put yourself back out there. Again, whether in a romantic or sexual
context or a professional context, you need to be resilient. And that’s...resilience is a
theme that when we think about health outcomes for LGBT people, which is an area
where I’ve done a lot of work, capacity for resilience is like this recurring theme about
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 why some people are able to endure or even thrive, while others experience really
terrible outcomes. And learning that I have the capacity for resilience, I think was really
important because it was part of being able to go back to feeling prideful about my
identity as a gay man and a queer person rather than ashamed by it. Because I had been
ashamed by it, when I was in the closet all those years ago, and then I was ashamed by it
again, after...in the wake of the assault.

Perspective Change on Gay Rights and Identity. As previously outlined in the Objective

data section, Jacob mentioned how, prior to the incident, he was open to “build bridges” with

non-LGBTQ+ and anti-LGBTQ+ for the greater good. However, the incident shifted his

perspective on gay rights from being “intellectual” to “personal”:

I’ve always been pretty strong in my defense of gay rights, but sometimes it was
more of an intellectual exercise and less of a personal exercise. And I think just generally
over time, having been out of the closet of my over 40 years on this Earth, I’m a whole...
I'm a whole lot less willing to take bullshit than I was. So, like Hollywood celebrities who
live in glass closets. Making essentially excuses for them saying, “Oh, everybody comes
out in their own time and they’re on their own journey and Hollywood is a really
homophobic environment,” and instead of saying, taking the position that, “Oh,
actually, you live in an incredible privilege and you’re a millionaire many times over, and
you have nothing to lose, and you benefit by virtue of being in the closet.” So just a
different orientation around thinking about LGBT issues, and now being in a place where
it’s like, “No, I’m gonna call you out on your bullshit when that impacts me. So, it’s less
of purely intellectual, purely political and more of a willingness to personalize it, and
what’s interesting as I’m saying this to you, is that we talked about this having to go
from it being a very personal act to it having a political consequence. And what I’m
seeing now is that one of the impacts was that it took these abstract political academic
concepts about gay rights and made them very deeply personal, so the arrow was going
in the opposite direction.

Jacob’s Final Thoughts

As the conversation ended, Jacob was asked if he had anything that he felt was

important to add. Jacob left the conversation with these final thoughts:

You have to understand that irrespective of whatever else was happening, that
violation was wrong and that you deserve better and that you will need to heal, your
body needs to heal. And it’s not a, Let’s do therapy for six months, or Let’s move to a
different city or whatever, but that that healing process is worthwhile and that you can
learn something about yourself. You have to emerge from it a little stronger. There’s
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 this undercurrent with respect to survivors of there being weakness that needs to be
overcome, and I think you have to.... What I would say to people is you have to flip it
on its head, that it’s not about weakness, it’s about strength, and understanding that
strength and allowing that to promote resilience, to go back to a concept we were using.

Also, because I think it raises other issues that are unique to gay men and possibly
lesbians as well around sexual role position, which is to say that I woke up in that hotel
room being violated, which is to say that he was topping me and I was bottoming and
we understand, in many contexts, the degree to which sexual role position has lots of
impacts on gay men’s psychology and the way they think about themselves, the way
they carry themselves, et cetera, and when that is...when that sexual role preference,
it’s not even a preference when it’s not consensual. The body is a weapon, as it is in the
case of sexual assault. I think that also does damage, and it’s unique damage and it’s
unique to gay men, I think, in a way that it isn’t.

Daniel

It’s death. I’m still physically alive, but it’s really like it was my death.

Deeply involved with his faith, Daniel is a White gay male in his late 30s, who was born

and raised in the Pacific Northwest. Currently, he lives on the East Coast of the United States.

He is a survivor of child sexual abuse by Catholic priests as well as other religious figures in his

life. Growing up, Daniel’s relationship with his family was complicated, as they continuously

sent him away to be groomed as a prospective priest. Furthermore, his parents sent him away

for intense conversion therapy. To this day, Daniel described his relationship with his family as

estranged. At the time of the incident, Daniel was pursuing his bachelor’s degree and has since

completed a Master of Divinity degree. While the incident presented is not Daniel’s first within

adulthood, he described it to be the most impactful, as there were/are dynamic repercussions

throughout his adult life.

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Objective Data

The following segment focuses on Objective data, also known as the hard facts of the

experience. This includes, but is not limited to, the rape incident, as well as processes that may

have happened after the occurrence.

Gay Identity, Religion, and Family. Daniel described a complicated dynamic with his

family. His family was deeply rooted in their faith. When Daniel began questioning his sexuality,

his parents sent him to conversion therapy. Their rationale was rooted in the idea that being

gay was a form of perversion:

Well, it had everything to do with the fact that my desires were considered to be
deeply perverted by the church, and my whole life was about the church. My family life
growing up was incredibly abusive, and the way that my mom controlled us was with
religion, and so I would say that I grew up in extreme circumstances.

Daniel then went on to describe his experience at conversion therapy, and how he and others

his age went through several levels of abuse:

Well, the religious order that I was sent to is considered by many to be a cult, so we
were psychologically abused, emotionally abused, we were brainwashed, and then we
were also sexually abused. So, I was sexually abused by priests there and other of the
boys who were there.

This continued for a 5-year period. When Daniel finally went back to his parents, he was in the

early years of adulthood. He described that this relationship was still strained, and they were in

conflict most of the time. To make matters worse, the conversion therapist blamed his parents

for Daniel’s homosexuality:

At the time of the incident, I was still connected with my family, I lived with my mom
and dad at the time. But it was a very strained relationship, and that was primarily
because my parents then and now have never accepted me, and part of what created
the strained relationship was having been sent away, and I basically had minimal contact
with them over those five years. And it became very complicated because they were
told by my conversion therapist that the reason I was gay was because of them. And
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 then I ended up using that as a weapon against them. So, I would say that we had a
horrible relationship at the time, even though we were still physically by each other and
still engaging in a relationship.

Group Therapy and Being Groomed. Daniel yearned for conversion to be successful.

This was rooted in his faith and the ongoing conflict with his parents. Daniel began attending

group conversion therapy sessions. He felt this would be helpful, considering that he was

dealing with depression and suicidality:

I ended up being very much alone and suicidal and very, very depressed, and so I
decided to go to this group therapy. And it was Wednesday evenings, and we would sit
around in a circle and read from the Bible, and then tell each other how the week went
and how we avoided acting on our desires.

Part of the therapy consisted of interacting with former participants who were viewed as

“success stories.” The perpetrator was invited to come as one of the guests, where he then

offered to be a mentor to Daniel. This took a dark turn as he then started grooming Daniel into

doing behaviors that were inappropriate and against the premise of the group therapy:

So that evening...so, after the group therapy, everyone would go to a restaurant and
have dinner together. So, after dinner, I was heading to my car and he, the perpetrator,
came up to me and said, “Hey, can you chat for a few minutes? I wanna get to know you
better.” And I said, “Sure.”

So, we sit in his truck in the parking lot, and he basically just starts feeding me all
sorts of lies, and he says, “You know, I can tell that you’re a really good guy, but you’re
alone and you need some help. And I’m here to help you.” You know, at the time, I was
19, and I think he told me he was 45. And in the car, once we were done talking, he said,
“Hey, can we pray together?” And I said, “Sure.” And he goes, “Well, is it okay if I hold
your hand?” And I said, “Okay.”

We hold hands while we’re praying in his truck, and then that leads to “Hey, can I rub
your back?” And I say, “Sure,” and then he goes, “Well, why don’t you just lay down in
my lap in the truck?” So I put my head down on his lap, and he’s hard, and I’m kinda
lying there gently touching his leg, and feeling for the first time in my life what I thought
was someone caring for me actually. It was very confusing, because no one had touched
me in a seemingly loving way ever in my life. And it did something to my brain that day.

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 He then goes, “You know, I know that you’re attracted to men.” He goes, “I know
that you wanna touch me, so it’s okay, you can touch my leg,” and he goes, “but don’t
worry, I’m not going to let you go too far, I’m not gonna let anything bad happen,” is
what he said. He’s like, “You can trust me, and I’ll keep you safe. I won’t let you do
anything bad.”

Then we leave, he goes home, I go home. And over the next couple of weeks, he kept
grooming me. I didn’t know it, but he kept calling me, getting to know me, and then he
would continue to meet up with me in parks mainly, so that we could sit in his truck, and
I could lie in his lap, and he could rub my back, and we could continue to recreate that
experience.

The Incident. Daniel described that for approximately two weeks, he continued to

engage with the perpetrator. He began to trust the perpetrator, but something did not feel

right. Despite this, he accepted the perpetrator’s invitation to his home. The framing of the

invitation was that Daniel would be introduced to the perpetrator’s family. Daniel accepted the

invitation, but the interaction turned dark:

That happened for a couple of weeks. And then he goes, “Next Saturday, there is a
men’s prayer breakfast at my church.” He goes, “Why don't you come with me, and
then we can go to a park after that and spend time together.” So, I showed up at his
church on a Saturday morning, we did this prayer breakfast thing, and then we went out
into the parking lot, and he goes, “You know, I live just a mile away. Why don’t you jump
in my car, and I’ll take you to my house, and I’ll introduce you to my family, ‘cause
they’re all there right now.”

We get in this car, and we go to his house, and lo and behold, there is a wife in the
house and two young boys, and I think they were four and six, or something like that.
And so, I met his wife, which kind of surprised me, to be honest, but she really existed,
and she seemed to know who I was. And so, we said hello, and then she said she was
leaving with one of the boys and the other boy was in watching cartoons.

He looked at me and he goes, “Well, why don’t I give you a tour of my house,” and he
goes, “I’m working on a book up in my office that I wanna show you.” So, he gives me
the tour of the house and we go upstairs, and his office is part of his bedroom, you
know, their bedroom. And we’re in there and he’s showing me this book and his notes
and all this stuff, and I tell him, I’m like, “Can you bring me back to the church because I
have a study group this afternoon, and I need to get to school?”

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 He then goes, “Sure. But before you go, let me just give you one last hug.” So, he had
his back to the door of the bedroom and...so, he was standing in front of the door, and
we hugged. But this time, the hug was different than before, and it was very.... There
was some aggressiveness to it, and he was holding me really tight, kind of, but not in a
good way. And then all of a sudden, he closed the bedroom door and locked it, and then
took me into the master bathroom and...

I don't remember everything, but I remember him forcing me to suck him off and
then he would lay on top of me so that I couldn’t move, he was a big guy. And I think...I
don't remember all the details, but I do remember him forcing me to do oral sex on him,
and then all I remember is him cumming all over me, and then we got in the shower,
and he wasn’t saying anything and I wasn’t saying anything.

And then the only thing he said to me was, “Don’t tell anyone that this happened.”
And so, I got dressed and he got dressed and we went downstairs, and he grabbed his
son and he said, “Hey, we’re gonna go look for new cars, Daddy needs a new truck.” So,
he kept me against my will for the next, probably eight hours, and we just went from car
dealership to car dealership, and he would introduce me to the salespeople as his older
son, and that he was looking for a truck for his whole family. So, he would introduce me
as his son.

Lack of Support. Daniel described how there was no support for him, particularly from

any friends or family. He explained:

There really wasn’t anyone in my personal life outside of professionals that really
were able to help me manage this.

Daniel decided to bring up the incident to the facilitator of the group conversion therapy. He

was met with a response he believed was insufficient: removing the perpetrator rather than

reaching out to authorities:

I ended up telling the facilitator of the group what happened, but no one helped me
do anything about it, like the facilitator said, “Oh, we’ll make sure he never comes back
to the group,” as opposed to “Let me help you file a police report.”
Daniel mentioned that there was no support, so the perpetrator never faced legal

consequences:

No one after the fact helped me. So, nothing ever happened.

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 Alcoholism and Suicide. Daniel described how he began to struggle with alcoholism as a

result of the incident:

I would binge drink, I would almost inevitably fall apart emotionally, and just sob. I
was just a mess. So, I never feel like I had a healthy relationship with alcohol from the
get-go, because I wasn’t drinking before this happened, at all, and afterwards I just
became this crazy, binge-drinking, crazy guy who would black out every time.

Daniel described how the alcoholism would trigger suicidal ideations and he would cut himself:

I would take a knife and try to stab myself. I also cut myself. So, both of my arms
are...both of my arms are covered in scars.

He further described how this was a recurring incident and it would impact his relationship with

his husband:

And instead of asking for help in a healthy way, it would usually end up being a
blackout experience where I was taken to the hospital, or a situation where my husband
would come home and there’s blood everywhere because I’m drunk and my arms are
slashed. Things like that.

Daniel explained how his suicidal ideations led him to be hospitalized:

I became very suicidal, so I was inpatient psych for a while. I think I’ve been
hospitalized for these issues maybe like ten times, which is too many.

He described the most impactful consequence of his alcoholism that resulted in his

hospitalization. This involved his husband calling the police and he was eventually arrested in

public:

He called the police, and while he was calling the police, I left the apartment. I was
gonna walk to my office and sleep there. And when I was headed towards my office, I
was surrounded by, I think fifteen cops who had me down on my face on the concrete.
And what they heard from my husband was that I was intoxicated with a large knife and
out on the streets.

When they found that I did not have a knife on me, they put me, they handcuffed
me, and they put me in the back of an ambulance and took me to the hospital
downtown.

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Reflective Data

This section presents reflections, including feelings and emotions, in alignment with the

previously outlined Objective data. The section also outlines Daniel’s reactions to various

elements of the experience, including the incident.

Self-Perception Prior to the Incident. Daniel was asked how he perceived himself within

the gay community. He provided a robust description rooted in self-loathing aligned with his

faith and family upbringing:

I would say I perceived myself as a deeply damaged, deeply sick, deeply sinful
individual who, because of my desires, was very unpleasing to God, to my family, to
myself. Tremendous self-hatred, guilt, and shame, and just as someone who was a very
bad person.

Reactions During and After the Incident. When he was asked how he would describe

what he felt during the incident, Daniel described it as if he were a prisoner. He then added that

he felt as though he had died:

I felt like a prisoner. It really felt like I was being forced to do something I didn’t
wanna do, and then to literally be held against my will. I really felt held against my will, I
really felt coerced and enforced. And the overwhelming emotion that has persisted all
these years is a feeling of being totally alone. So, when that door closed and he locked
it, it felt like no one was there to help.

I remember later that day when I got home, really feeling like I had died because of
this experience. So, I was no longer the Daniel from the day before, but this had killed
something in me, or had literally just killed me, the old Daniel, and I have never been
the same since that day.

Aside from feeling as though he experienced his death, Daniel explained how the lack of

support amplified the feelings and how he still manages those feelings today:

I felt completely powerless and abandoned. And that emotion of being alone and
with no one good to help me was a pretty common emotion for me, my whole life, so
that just amplified it, and that kind of...it amplified it and it also, it became its own thing.

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 It’s an emotion that became almost like another entity that always lived with me. So, it’s
an emotion that took on its own life and has been a terrible burden ever since.

Daniel then described a reaction that he associates with the experience—feeling the need to

replicate the behavior with other men:

I ended up just trying to manipulate guys so that I could have sex with them in an
unhealthy way. And that, of course, was not okay, because that was not who I was, but
it was just behavior that I wasn’t even aware of, but it was happening.

Psychological Implications and Reactions. Daniel described a hard-wearing level of

psychological implications, including alcoholism, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and

suicidal ideations, because of the incident:

The feelings are so intolerable that the only way to escape was to drink. And the
drinking plus the constant suicidal ideation just was a recipe for very risky behavior. I
continue to struggle with alcohol, to this day.

What started that day was a daily battle internally with “Do I kill myself or do I
continue to live?” And so, I’ve had pretty severe suicidal ideation ever since. Extreme,
extreme self-hatred. I have felt a deep emptiness, a deep just brokenness. And I have
also dealt with tremendous depression, anxiety, PTSD. Most people would call me an
alcoholic. I’ve been hospitalized so many times for suicide attempts, for public
intoxication.

Daniel was asked what triggers these thoughts of suicide and alcoholism. He went on to

describe how they are triggered by memories of the incident:

I become most angry about this when I understand that this event may have been
one time 20 years ago, but I feel that he continues to rape me every day. It behaves like
classic PTSD, where I have invasive thoughts that come without me wanting them. So,
I’m usually triggered by that, by memories that come out of nowhere.

Interpretive Data

The following section includes the Interpretive data, where Daniel described how he

made meaning of various elements of the experience.

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 Rationale for Lack of Support. Daniel explained how he associated the lack of support

with the incident not only being too much for someone to understand, but how rape in the gay

community is not talked about:

A lot of people who I’ve shared this with, it was too much for them. Wasn’t
something that they could handle. And it’s not like being raped as a gay man is
something that’s really talked about in the gay community, so there really wasn’t
anyone in my personal life outside of professionals that really were able to help me
manage this.

Associating Life Impact with the Incident. Daniel was asked how he made meaning of

the incident. He went on to describe how the incident was destructive. Besides the

psychological implications (outlined in the Reflective data), he recognized how the incident

impacted his academic life, thus impacting his future:

I think it kind of came in stages, and I think the most immediate thing that happened
was my grades at school. I was at the university in the area, and I have always been at
the top of my class ever since I can remember. I’ve always been a very good student.
And I was planning to become a doctor, and after this happened, I had to withdraw out
of several of my classes. I failed several of my classes, and I just was never the same
intellectually. And that happened right away.

I went from having the possibility of going to medical school, and because of this, I
ruined my GPA, and I also just never had the same amount of energy ever again, or
drive. I just was never the same. And I think the first sign was my grades just went from
almost perfect to failing. And again, nobody helped. I pretty much got through all of this
on my own. So that was the first big thing that I recognized that it had affected my life.

Decisional Data

The following section demonstrates the Decisional data as a result of Daniel’s overall

experience of rape. These are results of the various Objective, Reflective, and Interpretive data

points, separately and/or collectively.

Making Room for Growth and Helping Others. Daniel wanted to make sure that it was

made aware that he has grown since the incident. He obtained his degree and went on to
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graduate school to become a chaplain. He attributed this growth to mental health

professionals:

I also have to describe the more positive side of this as well, and that is that even
though the experience was a death, I have also really become a new and beautiful
person. I think that my openness about this, and my willingness to be helped by other
people, has allowed me to continue to grow into someone that I’m proud to be.

I went to seminary and got my degree and went through my ordination process, and
now my life is much different. I would say what has really helped is I have been asking
for help and getting help through regular therapy for probably 20 years since this
happened. And I’ve always tried to continue forward; even though I wanted to die, I still
also wanted to live. That process has taken 20 years, and I feel like I’m now at a point
where I feel like I have some tools and some purpose for all of this. So, having others,
professionals help me through this, has been critical. And I emphasize professionals,
because those in my personal life had never been helpful about this, including my
husband.

Daniel continues to help people by offering them support as a chaplain during times of crisis. He

mentioned how his own trauma allows him to provide the support people seek from him:

Being able to use my own pain allows me to connect in a very special way with
people right away. So, I would say it has given me an ability to connect with people on a
very deep level right away, which is a gift in the type of work that I do. So, I feel like
that’s me doing something about this, but I also need to do something more because it’s
not enough.

Daniel then explained that another result of the incident was gaining courage to go after his

childhood abusers:

I’m working with a couple different teams of attorneys on a potential class action
against the priest that abused me while I was in school, because there were hundreds of
us who were abused and now, we’re trying to do something about it.

Daniel’s Final Thoughts

At the end of the conversation, Daniel was asked if there was anything else he felt was

important to add to the study. He went on to explain that there should be more awareness of

how this traumatic incident impacts the body:

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 I think it’s also important to say that this traumatic event has changed my body as
well. I have a rare autoimmune disorder that is kind of like rheumatoid arthritis, and I
was diagnosed when I was 24 in the city. It’s a chronic illness that its primary symptoms
are arthritis in my ankles, my knees, my hips, my spine, my hands. It affects my eyes, so I
will have these intense flare-ups where my eyes become, the iris in my eye becomes
inflamed. I am in pain 24/7, and I know that the trauma of this experience and the other
traumas of my life are trapped in my body, so I believe, and I think it’s important for
people to know, that when people are traumatized like this, it affects everything.

Cameron

Truly almost loss of inner sense, or shattering of naiveté, sort of a very

rough wake-up call that I might have swung too far on the pendulum in
the other direction.

At the time of the incident, Cameron was in his early 20s and identified as a White gay

male. Today, in his early 30s, Cameron identifies as a bisexual, nonbinary transgender person,

using the pronouns they, them, and theirs. They did not have a spiritual or religious identity at

the point of the incident, describing that they were an atheist. However, they considered

themselves to be an open-minded agnostic. Shortly before the incident, Cameron had

completed their bachelor’s degree and moved to the East Coast of the United States. Their

relationship with their family was estranged at the time of the incident; as Cameron described

it, they were in an abusive relationship, preventing them from family connectivity. However,

since then, Cameron described their family relationship to be surface level, with more of a

connection with their mother. The incident presented is the first but not the only incident

Cameron has survived. Nevertheless, they described it to be the most impactful.

Objective Data

The following section focuses on Objective data, also known as the hard facts of the

experience. This includes, but is not limited to, the rape incident as well as processes that may

have happened after the occurrence.

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 Queer Identity and Abusive Relationship. Cameron was in a long-term relationship with

a female partner during the time of the incident. They described the struggles of being in an

abusive relationship, and how dehumanizing it was for them. This was because how others

perceived them did not align with how they were being treated in the relationship. The

relationship was controlling, along with being emotionally and physically abusive:

I was strong and people view me as a really strong-willed person throughout my

whole life even if I haven’t viewed myself like that, and so I do get the sense of “How did
this 5'2 woman ever fucking intimidate or scare you? You are a strong-willed person,
you’re independent, and you could...if she hit you, you could throw her out a window
without blinking.” I never did, but she definitely hit me.

In addition to I wasn’t able to go out to gay bars just to go out to gay bars like anyone
would, she really critiqued me on how I dressed too. I, at the time, really, really liked
wearing tight clothes and stuff, and it was always, “Why are you trying to be such a
slut?” So, there was a lot of I had to mask up my wardrobe to please my partner. So,
there was just this...I wanted.... There was just so much desire.... I didn’t realize it at the
time, but now looking back of just desire to not be where I was and trying to reach for
my more authentic self and just being denied.

Cameron then described how they were not out publicly, but it was assumed they were a

homosexual. Also, Cameron was unfaithful to his partner by engaging in anonymous same-sex

sexual encounters with people he found on popular gay dating apps:

I was really terrified about that even though the whole time I was in that relationship,
I was cheating on her. And I now look at that as I was just keeping myself fucking alive,
is the way I look at it now. But I was...my interaction with the gay community was
everyone knew I was gay, but I didn’t go anywhere, but I was doing Craigslist, Grindr,
those anonymous hook-ups. So, I wanted to be a part of it but wasn’t really, and also
was aware I was seeing the ugly side of it without the positive side. But it was also just...
It really felt like a way to just keep myself sane.

The Incident. Cameron interacted with men not only on the dating apps, but also at

adult bookstores. The incident took place at a local adult bookstore with glory holes (a

designated room with a partition with holes placed in different places), where they were

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engaging in anonymous sexual activity, not knowing the person on the other side of the wall.

The perpetrator engaged in the act of stealthing, where they removed the condom mid-

encounter:

Started with a blow job, and then I guess when they realized I was into it, they
switched. And then they just did it anyway, with no protection. And I was not on PrEP at
the time, I had no idea. I didn’t realize until after I came, and I saw them get off me, for
lack of a better term.

And I asked, “Why the fuck did you do that?” And they just said, “Just ‘cause I wanted
to.” And I just kinda stormed out of there as fast as I could and just completely broke
down on the train ride home and was convinced that I had caught HIV. I was just like, “I
am going to die. This is the end of my life.” I felt so much fucking shame about it, I had
done this to myself. I should have known better.

Seeking Support. Although Cameron wanted to seek support, they felt as though there

was not sufficient support. Additionally, Cameron mentioned how being in an abusive

relationship perhaps impacted a sense there was no support:

And I will say part of this is informed by I...and I feel this way to this day, that none of
my.... Looking back, it is obvious that I was in an abusive relationship. I didn’t tell anyone
I got sexually assaulted, but I truly feel like nobody would’ve gave a shit, even if I had
said something. Because nobody gave a shit that I was in this abusive relationship, that’s
so obvious, but I was gas-lit to hell, so I couldn’t see it. And so, there’s this sense of like I
do feel better, because there was no help for me, and I feel like sometimes people say I
got looked at wrong and fucking there’s so much support.
Cameron attempted to attend male support groups. However, they described how the groups

were not appropriate for someone going through the experience of rape, and how they

perceived them to be filled with toxic masculinity:

I remember a couple of times looking for, back when I thought I was a man, male
support groups, and I didn’t really join any of them because either they were defunct
and nobody was in them anymore, or they were just fucking incel MRA asshole places.
Men’s Rights Activists.

Eventually, Cameron was able to find support from mental health professionals. They sought

out free local services. Cameron is still receiving therapy:

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 I did get some free therapy from the city, and that helped a little bit. But a lot of it, I
didn’t get help truly and really until I got out of that relationship and got into actual
therapy with my therapist. It just unpacked all of it.

Obsession with HIV. Cameron immediately became fearful of contracting HIV. This was

rooted in their belief that in the gay community, “everyone has HIV.” They believed that people

within the gay community were purposely trying to spread HIV. This led to them having a

breakdown on the train after the incident:

I was trying to hold it together, but I just.... It was my first time breaking down on the
train, but I just sobbed the whole way home and just was convinced, and I was like, “I
definitely have HIV now, there’s no way....”

Cameron mentioned how they were not of aware of the availability of post-exposure

prophylactics, a gap in sex education. They also described how they became obsessed with the

possibility of contracting HIV. Despite their negative results every time, Cameron got tested

multiple times a month:

At the time, I didn’t even know about post-exposure prophylactics, so I didn’t even
know that was an option. So, I just was like, “Oh, I got it. That’s that.” I basically...for the
next three months, I would go in and get tested probably twice a month, and I was just
so convinced that I had caught it even after negative results. It wasn’t until, honestly,
month four that I got my second, and it was still negative that I was like, “Oh wow, I
didn’t actually catch it.”

The obsession continued, as Cameron went on to continue getting tested and researching HIV.

They were reprimanded at work for this behavior, but Cameron mentioned that this was a

management strategy:

So that four months, that was all I could think about. But even after that, I was still
obsessing about it. And the other thing was, even though I wanted to stop, I couldn’t
stop myself from going. I even got in trouble a couple of times ‘cause I was looking up
research and stuff. ‘Cause how I dealt with it was just trying to learn as much about HIV
as I could.

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Reflective Data

This section presents the reflections, including feelings and emotions, in alignment with

the previously outlined Objective data. The section also outlines Cameron’s reactions to various

elements of the experience, including the incident.

Outer Body Experience and Disconnection. When asked what the experience felt like

for them, Cameron described that it was like an outer body experience. They provided a

metaphor to describe this:

It was a lot more of an outer body experience, kind of like I was piloting my...driving
my car, but the car was my body.

During the conversation, Cameron made a connection. They described a consistent feeling of

disconnection, and they now believe that this disconnection was rooted in the incident:

I definitely had a huge disconnect from my body for a while, which I still have issues
with, though I didn’t think they were related to this, but I’m questioning that.

Self-Blame and Hiding. Cameron described self-blame as a result of the incident. They

believed that they got what they deserved for engaging in promiscuous behavior. Contracting

HIV would have been justified for their behavior. Furthermore, this would reinforce their

assumptions of the gay community:

I felt dirty, I felt stupid. I felt all the bad things my ex had ever said about me were
true, and I was just a stupid fucking slut, and that, “Yep, she was a hundred percent right
to treat me the way I did, the way she did. I deserved it.” And of course, my parents
were so fucking worried that I was queer. They knew I was gonna fucking get this
disease and die. “Oh my God, I’m letting my parents down. I have such a promising
career ahead of me. I fucked this up for stupid fucking reasons. I’m selfish, this is my
fucking fault. I should have known better.” Just all of those thoughts, just racing a mile a
minute.

Feeling like I had to hide everything made me feel like, why are you hiding unless
there’s something bad here? You did a bad thing. Yes, this is bad. It reinforced a lot
of the bad stereotypes that I was reinforcing on myself, but also the bad things that my
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 ex was saying. And I’m not gonna lie. I do think that’s partially why I stayed in that
relationship so long, was I felt like I had done bad things and deserved the treatment I
was getting.

Interpretive Data

The following section includes the Interpretive data, where Cameron described how

they made meaning of various elements of the experience.

Perception of Gay Community. Cameron perceived that the gay community excludes

bisexual and nonbinary people. This created an understanding that speaking of their gender in

gay contexts should be avoided:

It’s not that there can’t be, it just generally isn’t. And the other thing is also, in the
same way I realized that gay men don’t like having sex with bisexual people, nonbinary
is also a thing. So sometimes if I’m at these bars, it’s just easier to not get into it. And in
the sort of way of like you’re not gonna tell a one-night stand your hopes and dreams.
You know what I mean? I don’t view it as a negative, it’s just we all have different
aspects of ourselves and how we show that.

As a result of these interactions, Cameron viewed this as an example of toxic masculinity

and misogyny. This seemed to reinforce an idea that everyone in the gay community was a liar:

I knew of all the statistics of how many women get sexually assaulted in their life.
And I was just like, in my head, I don’t think I had made this connection about how I was
fem, but I think I was just like, “Oh. Well, this is just a thing that happens.” You know
what I mean? And also, I had such a fucking toxic worldview at the time. I literally
thought, “Everyone is lying. No one’s actually in love with their partner. We’re all just
fucking miserable and grinning through it.”

This feeling was not isolated to the gay community, but also to the lesbian community.

Cameron expressed how they feel their presence is not welcomed in lesbian spaces:

I definitely had a lot of stereotypes and preconceived notions. Again, this transition in
quarantine has been insane, but I also have, frankly until really recently, felt ostracized
by the gay community. And by that, I mean, I just had a couple of experiences that felt
bad to me. I remember one time I went to a lesbian bar just to hang out and write, and I
remember every woman in that bar giving me dirty looks. And I have not been back

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 since because I was just like, “I’m not doing anything, but you’re looking like I’m hitting
on you like. What the fuck?”

Cameron then concretized their perception by explaining that there is a lack of inclusion when

it comes to nonbinary persons. Moreover, they explained how there seems to be a lack of

understanding the definition of nonbinary:

I feel like the queer community does not know how to handle trans AMAB people
who are not trans women. As in nonbinary only means women-lite.

Feeling Empowered. Cameron continued to explain how this experience made them

feel empowered. They recognized that this was a result of the incident because an attempted

incident took place years later. During this incident, a different perpetrator attempted

stealthing by removing the condom during sex. Cameron immediately took action against the

perpetrator:

It was one of the first times I remember reprimanding someone that I had sex with,
and they actually gave a shit. I could tell that I had caught him, and he was fucking just
like mortified, and there was this like...I felt empowered by that. You know what I
mean? He didn’t get away with it.

And then I just was like, immediately I was like, “Nope, we’re not fucking doing this.”
And I also think, this is just a personal thing about me, but I’m 5'7", and I don't look
strong, but I actually am. And I threw this guy off me, and I think he did not realize.... I
think he thought I was small and a twinkish. He did not realize that I could beat his ass. I
think he thought he could get away with it, and then immediately realized sort of, in a
real way, he was now the one in physical danger.

I felt...I was very proud of myself. I was like, “This motherfucker thought he could do
a thing to me, and he thought so fucking wrong. I’m not hurt. I’m on PrEP, I’m okay. But
he is not gonna fucking do that again. Or even if he does, he’s not gonna think he can
get away with it.” In a way, I’d beat up the rapist almost, sort of. I felt so good that I
stood up for myself, but also in a way that clearly got to him, that will have an effect on
this person and maybe he won’t do this shit again, or he’s gonna think twice and less
people are gonna get hurt by this asshole, you know what I mean?

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Decisional Data

The following segment demonstrates the Decisional data as a result of Cameron’s

overall experience of rape. These are results of the various Objective, Reflective, and

interpretive data points, separately and/or collectively.

Embracing Their Gender. Years after the incident, Cameron now identifies as a bisexual,

nonbinary transgender person. They went on to explain how this experience motivated them to

embrace their gender identity:

[T]his is a really long-winded answer, ‘cause I have actually been thinking about this a
lot. So, when I first realized that I was queer, I was very much of the “Oh, top only,” all
that shit. And a lot of this has, one, been realizing how much I like to bottom. But also, it
has made me...in some ways, I have sexualized and fetishized this encounter in my own
mind. I have done role plays where that is the conceit that we’re gonna do is we’re
gonna act like you’ve removed the condom halfway through. But also, with that is...so,
the concept there is obviously the risk of infection there, but also that is the only way,
with no condom, traditionally, obviously there’s more ways now, that a woman could
get pregnant.

And I have internalized some of that in some of the ways that I now have sex. I want
to feel like, at least sexually in the bedroom, like a woman sometimes, and this has sort
of, through that fetishization.... Before when it was more about just the, not the CNC
part of it, and the scenario has turned into this other aspect now that I feel differently
about my genitalia and just how I have sex that I have eroticized it in a way. And also,
with that, when that second incident happened was the first time that I was bottoming
with other people, and someone violated that, but I didn’t.... I was violated, but my
person, who I am as a person, was not. And I was able to defend myself. And in a way, I
was able to own my sexuality and through this actually come to who I am authentically.
Because I had to confront all of these fears and shame because of this incident, I had to
face myself. You can’t stare at the abyss and not see the abyss. And by the abyss, I mean
like subconscious.

Cameron went on to express that along with the embracing of gender, they gained a new

perspective on toxic masculinity and sex. They described it as the “shattering of naiveté”:

In a lot of ways, it was sort of my wake-up to the realities of toxic masculinity.

Because...it also definitely made me realize that just because of how I view sex, there

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 are other aspects to it. You could get hurt by sex in the sense. You know what I mean?
Emotionally or physically in terms of infection or disease.

Another layer to their growth after the incident is the idea of taking back their voice. Cameron

described how they now give themselves permission. Moreover, their giving themselves

permission acted as a catalyst to embrace their identity fully. This was because Cameron

allowed themselves the permission to be who they are:

I have definitely learned to give myself permission that it’s okay to not be okay. I
actually was gonna bring up the permission aspect of it, because that has been a very
crucial aspect the whole time to me, is people telling me, “Hey, you can do this,” or
“This can be an option or it doesn’t have to be.” I’ll just...I worked on a show, and at the
wrap party, one of the...the woman who played one of the characters pulled me aside.
We had one flashback episode, and most of the flashback episode was with trans
actresses. And I have always really gelled with trans people and drag queens, and I could
never figure out why until this. And she pulled me aside and was just like, “Hey, me and
all the other girls,” and I knew she meant all the other trans women, “talked, and all
came to the same conclusion and agreed with each other that you remind us of right
before we transitioned.” ‘Cause still at that point, I was calling myself a man. And it
wasn’t until.... So that happened at the end of October, and by January of the new year,
I had quickly realized that I was nonbinary.

Change in Mindset. Overall, Cameron mentioned a shift in mindset because of the

experience. This included a shift from individualism to collectivism, as well as the way they

identify and how they feel towards other people who have gone through a rape experience:

I definitely went from a more individualist to collective mindset, and that has just
continued from there.

Cameron explained how they reframed the language of victimhood to emerging as a survivor.

This was rooted in taking back the power:

I was assaulted, and I was a victim in those incidents, but I do not view myself as a
victim. I view myself as a domestic-abuse sexual assault survivor. Like this is a thing that
happened to me, but I will not let it define my fucking life.

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Cameron described how they now feel more empathy for those going through struggle. They

mentioned how it has made them realize the importance to offer others grace:

I think it definitely made me a lot more empathetic, for sure. And not only in survivor
stories, but just in general. It made me a lot more empathetic to people, a lot more
understanding of just people can be going through struggles that you don’t fucking
know about, so cut people some slack if they seem like they’re going through it; that
they might not be able to talk about or want to talk about, and it’s not your business.
You don’t need to know what’s going on to give someone some grace, so to speak.

Cameron’s Final Thoughts

At the end of the conversation, Cameron was asked if they had anything else they

wanted to add or what they would tell someone going through this situation. Cameron

expressed the importance of seeking support:

Don’t isolate yourself. Reach out. I am always, on a certain level, sad to find out that I
need to reach out to people and how much better it makes me feel, but it always does.
And I know that.... I don’t know if it would have been amazingly better, but had I
reached out to someone and talked to someone honestly, I think I would have had less
pain. It would have been easier. It would have still been difficult as hell, but I didn’t need
to play it on hard mode.

Enrique

I think my being so young and naïve was a big part of the equation for
this to happen. I think maybe perhaps I was even targeted for being
stupid.

A native of the southwestern region of the United States, Enrique is a Hispanic gay male

in his mid-30s. His incident occurred 6 months into his freshman year of college, at the age of

18. He was, and still is, a devout Catholic, attending Mass as much as possible. At 18, Enrique

revealed to his family his homosexual identity, thus creating friction and an estranged

relationship. Since then, Enrique described his family relationship to be supportive and close-

knit. Enrique has completed his bachelor’s degree and is currently planning to attend graduate

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school. The incident presented is Enrique’s second experience with sexual violence, as he was

raped as a child.

Objective Data

The following section focuses on Enrique’s Objective data, also known as the hard facts

of the experience. This includes, but is not limited to, the rape incident, as well as processes

that may have happened after the occurrence.

Coming Out and Queer Mentorship. At the age of 18, Enrique came out of the closet.

He described how he became estranged from his family, as the lifestyle did not align with his

Catholic upbringing. He described the culture shock of coming out, considering it was not what

he thought it was:

As a young 18-year-old. I would say I was naïve. And like I said, naïve but also with
that teenage type of mentality that “Oh, now that I’m gay, and I’ve been gay for six
months, I know everything about being gay and I got this shit.” But, really, I didn’t know
shit and I was getting myself into situations through exploring.

Enrique then described his friendship with another young gay man named Jordan (a

pseudonym). He idolized Jordan for his openness and his experience within the gay community:

Jordan represented everything that I wanted to be and I never was allowed to be

and, yeah, like you said, he kind of became my...unofficially, I guess, my mentor because
any gay things, he would always...I would always ask him and he let me borrow his
clothes, and then he took me shopping to get clothes that were more gay and hotter
and stuff like that. And so, I was basically following his steps and stuff like that, and
the difference was, though, that I was a lot more naïve, and I was a lot more less
experienced.

Enrique mentioned how within this friendship, he learned about not only fashion choices, but

also the party scene within the gay community. This led them to engage in the scene as well as

potentially risky behavior:

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 I had been out for less than a year, and the one person that I knew most of my gay
history from was this boy telling me this. And so...and that’s what we did before. We
would go to parties; we would get fucked up and then we fucked with a couple of
people.

I was pretty young and pretty resilient, and having somebody reinforce that it wasn’t
rape was what I needed, and what I wanted, I feel like. And so, when I heard that, I was
like, “Okay, awesome, cool. So I was just drunk and I was just a whore, so let’s go and
have more fun.”

The Incident. Enrique’s experience began during a night out with his friend, Jordan.

They had gone to a party off-campus and were partying with the local gay fraternity. Enrique

was not simply a party attendee, but a pledge for the fraternity. The perpetrator was a highly

respected leader of the fraternity:

We had gone to a party. To an off-campus party. And we’d gone together. And Jordan
had been talking with some grad student that wasn’t at the party and that wasn’t out.
And basically, long story short, Jordan got picked up by his friend that wasn’t at the
party and left, and I stayed behind.

So this guy who was...a leader of the fraternity, I sat on his lap. And the whole ride
there, it was kind of weird. And I was...I was in a weird space because, number one, I
was wasted. Secondly, I was very interested in being part of the fraternity and so I was
sitting on the lap of this guy who was a leader of the fraternity, and so I was like, “Oh my
God, what does this mean?” Some sort of power dynamics that came into play there.

I was, but like I said, I was kind of passing out, so I was in a blackout kind of state
where I remember some of it, and I remember when he was like, “Oh, I’m taking you to
the bed,” I was like, “Oh, that’s really nice,” but I didn’t...I don’t know if I was saying
anything, I don’t remember saying anything or...I just was like, “Okay, this is kind of
what I need.” To lay down and go to bed. But then when he started making out and stuff
like that, I was just like, Oh, and I didn’t know what to do. And again, I did also...I think
there was some sort of attraction to him as well on my side. And I think that came again
from the power dynamics that I found him kind of.... In the group, he had a leadership
position, and so I liked that. And so, I liked his attention and stuff like that, and so I was
like, “Oh my God, I don’t know what’s going on.” But then when he...he literally undid
my pants and stuff, and then he fucked me and the whole time when that was
happening, I don’t think I said anything, I was just kind of facing down on the... It was a
couch; it wasn’t even a bed. It was kind of like a futon, and so I was just lying there and
he just fucked me and then he got out of the room and left.

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Reflective Data

This section presents the reflections, including feelings and emotions, in alignment with

the previously outlined Objective data. The section also outlines Enrique’s reactions to various

elements of the experience, including the incident.

Initial Reactions. Enrique did not want to bring up the incident to anyone because he

felt a sense of discomfort. Considering that he was a pledge for the fraternity, he avoided

bringing up the situation:

I tried to, I guess, justify it in a way that...I didn’t feel comfortable with it, but I didn’t
feel comfortable bringing it up because I didn’t want to cause a scene or something like
that.

Aside from the discomfort, Enrique explained how the incident brought up feelings similar to

his rape as a young child. He knew something was wrong, but had hopes that there was a way

to rationalize the situation:

It resembled a lot my experience as a little boy, and that’s why I knew it wasn’t right.
There was a part of me that, kind of like Jordan said, and the brain then trying to
rationalize it. I was like, “Well, I was at a party, I was drunk, I went to their house, I sat
on his lap on the ride there, I didn’t say anything when I felt his hard-on, all these
things.’ So I was like, “Maybe I did want that, maybe that’s what happens and it’s not a
big deal, we just had sex.”

The next day, trying to think about all of these things, that’s the one thing that made
me think rape is like that feeling, but everything else made me feel like, “No, it wasn’t
rape, it was gay sex.” And then after talking with my friend, who was the only person
that I told about that for years, he kind of corroborated the story that I had, that it was
just gay sex and a drunken hook-up, and not rape. So I swayed that way, and that felt
good and that made it easy. Like, yeah, cool.

Perception of the Gay Community. Enrique spoke of how he perceived the gay

community to be hypersexualized. He described how he understood that, because of this,

promiscuity was promoted:

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 I think gay culture is over-sexualized. And so that’s the one thing.... When you
become an adult and you’re 18, you’re allowed to have sex with whoever you want and
do whatever you want. But a lot of people in my situation, particularly new people that
are just coming out and are not familiar with the scene, can get eaten alive by it. The sex
part and stuff like that can get very confusing, particularly if you’re young and you’re
promiscuous and then somebody rapes you. It’s like, “Oh, well, it’s another one that...I
already had sex with six guys in the last semester, so sure.”

Understanding What Happened Turned to Anger. Enrique talked about how his

headspace was reflecting on how the feelings aligned with what he experienced as a young boy.

However, he struggled to acknowledge that he had been raped. Those feelings of confusion

turned to anger, as he shifted focus on his perpetrator:

At the time, I wasn’t sure. I myself was kind of questioning, “Was I raped, or did I just
have sex with somebody?” And like I said, if I hadn’t been raped as a little boy, I don’t
think...I think it would have been just like a hook-up or like a bad hook-up or something
like that. I don’t know, maybe it would have been different, I can’t tell. But that one
thing that I remember from this incident was that feeling of like, “It hurts. He’s inside of
me, but I know it’s going to be over soon. And then that’ll be it.” So I remember that
very clearly. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t. But I remember that feeling. Out of being in
that drunk blacked-out kind of state, that’s the one thing I really recall.

I think part of it is also like the one thing that I...the one lingering question that I have
is like, I just...I want to know what he was thinking. What was going through his mind?
Did he get the wrong impression, but I don’t know? The more and more I think about,
it’s like, “No dude, you can't fuck somebody who’s obviously blacked out.”

Blaming for Decisions. Enrique continued to try and rationalize the incident. Rather

than accept it as rape, Enrique began to self-blame for putting himself in the situation. This

resulted in him trying to perceive the rape as simply casual sex:

But I was like, “I put myself in that situation, I did it. I went to the party, I did this.” I
remember, that’s the one point when I decided at the time that it wasn’t rape, and it
was just a hook-up.

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Interpretive Data

The following section includes Enrique’s Interpretive data. These are data where Enrique

described how he made meaning of various elements of the experience.

Normalization of Rape. As outlined in the Reflective data section, Enrique perceived the

gay community to be hypersexualized. It is because of this, he believed, that this left room for

rapes similar to his to be a normal component of the gay experience:

Kind of allows for this kind of rape within the gay community to be normalized a little
bit more.

Mixed Feelings about the Encounter. While, in previous narratives, seeking support

would be in the Objective data, because of its involvement with Enrique’s meaning making, it is

placed in the Interpretive data section. Enrique spoke about how he did not tell anyone about

his experience, only Jordan. When Enrique told Jordan about the experience, he believed that

this was normal within the community, especially since they were drunk:

When I had the conversation with Jordan, it wasn’t like, “Oh my God, I was raped last
night.” It was like, “Oh, something crazy happened last night, dude. I had sex with one of
the leaders of the fraternity, but it was kind of weird and this is how it happened.” And
so, I think, yeah, like you said, Jordan normalized that and was like, “Yeah. That happens
all the time. It’s because you were drunk.”

Jordan was dismissive of it being a rape because Enrique described his perpetrator as attractive.

This reinforced the ideas of justification and normalcy of that type of interaction for Enrique.

Furthermore, accepting that he was raped was difficult because the perpetrator was not a

complete stranger:

I remember the one part that Jordan said, it was like, “Well, you think he’s hot. Do
you think he is attractive?” And I was like, “Well, yeah, I think so.” And he’s like, “Okay,
then, he didn’t rape you. You wanted it.” I was like, “Okay.” So yeah, I think that
definitely helped me normalize it.

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 I do recall that the one part that was kind of the deciding factor, if it was weird or not,
not even rape, was it weird or not, was if I found him attractive. And also the fact that it
wasn’t a clear traumatic rape experience. I wasn’t jumped on the street and fucked by a
random stranger.

Obviously, I’m not 18 anymore, I’m not six months out of the closet anymore, so I
have a better understanding and there’s a lot of fucked-up shit in our community, and
this is one of them. It doesn’t make me love it at any less or I’m not going to hate on it,
it just happens.

Decisional Data

The following section demonstrates the Decisional data as a result of Enrique’s overall

experience of rape. These are results of the various Objective, Reflective, and Interpretive data

points, separately and/or collectively.

Feeling More Confident and in Control. Enrique described how this experience has

made him feel more confident and more in control of his identity. This was not just how he

maneuvered in the community, but also with sexual encounters:

I’m a completely different person now. I am a lot more really confident, like actually
confident, and I know what I know and...yeah, I’m a grown-up person. Before, when
that happened, I was a baby gay.

Enrique continued to describe how he has become aware of predatory behaviors and the

power of consent. He now understands that the behavior of his perpetrator was not justifiable.

This experience has made him less submissive and more dominant with sexual partners:

I think in a fucked-up way, it impacted me in a way that made me resilient and more
aware of those type of things happening in our culture. That I’ve had very good insights
into that. So that sort of stuff almost happened again a couple of times where people
thought I was too drunk and were trying to take advantage of me, but I was already like,
“Hey... “ I was like, “Get your fucking hands off me.” And more like, “What the fuck?”
Like, “Get off me.”

I’ll tell you; I think the one long-term side effect of that is that I’m a bossy bottom
now. It’s like I call the shots, bitch. Whenever we’re going to have sex, if I say “No,” it’s
no. If I say “Pull out,” you pull out, and it’s made me very controlling in my sex life, and I
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 think that’s why. And I had a couple of times where I don’t want to have sex, and my
boyfriend’s been too pushy and I just flip out on him, “I said fucking no. What the fuck?”
And so I’m very.... And like I told you earlier too, I’ve been able through...after the
incident, and I think that’s a learning experience, to identify predatory moments from
other dudes that perceive me as easy prey and they’re like, “Oh, you’re fucked up,” and
then trying to go beyond what I’m allowing because they think I’m drunk. But I’m really
good at kind of noticing those things now and putting a stop to it.

Now I’ve learned, I’m experienced, and I’m a seasoned gay, so I know and understand
the gay community a lot better. Has my perception changed? Yes, it has. But it wasn’t
just because of that, it was, as a whole, getting to know the community and being part
of the community a lot better. Yes, my perception has changed. Now I understand,
though, that that was rape. And if that were to happen to me now, I would know that it
wasn’t right from the get-go, and maybe the whole way that I handled it would have
been different. But at the time, it’s like I didn’t know better. I think I’m hyper-aware of
creepy behaviors when I’m drunk or when I’m fucked up. And I think it’s a result of that.

Learning to Be Supportive. Considering the support he received after his experience,

Enrique recognized that the support was insufficient and misguided. He went on to express how

he would support someone who is going through this experience:

I would ask them specifically if they wanted to have sex and if they felt that it was
something that they had given consent to. I would never say to somebody, “Did you find
him attractive? Because then that wasn’t rape.” Of course, like that, that’s not... I think
with my experience, if somebody came to me and told me that they were sexually
assaulted, I would try to use my own experience to just let them know that they’ll be
okay eventually or like, you know. And that it’s something that unfortunately happens.
But I don’t know. I mean, I would try to use it in a positive and make him feel less alone
and make him feel supported and make him feel that it’s not their fault, regardless if
they found the person attractive or if they put themself in those circumstances. If they
say that they didn’t want to have sex and they were forced to or somebody forced
himself into them, then I would say that they were raped.

Enrique’s Final Thoughts

At the end of the conversation, Enrique was given the space to provide any thoughts he

felt were important to add. He provided the following as his final thoughts:

Compared to the straight community, there’s usually, well, an erroneous but old
assumption that if you’re a girl and you get raped, it’s because you’re a whore. You
dressed like a slut, you did this, you did that. But, for gay boys, they want you to do that,
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they want you to look like a whore, they want you to be fun and all those things, and
so.... It’s kind of like that guilt.... You’re being that you’re promiscuous, you like to party,
you like to get fucked up, so why are you going to cry rape now when somebody fucks
you when you’re blacked out or whatever. You put yourself in those situations. I think
that’s, in a way, how it’s kind of more normalized than in straight culture, the rape, and
it’s a little bit, I think, easier to handle in a way, I’m not sure. But I feel like it’s not...I
wouldn’t say that it’s a big part of the gay community are a bunch of freaks that are
raping everybody. There’s a small part, like in the straight community too, only a small
group of people, at least personally [chuckle] only a handful of people try to...try that or
whatever. But I don’t want it to look like, because we are sexualized and stuff like that,
that rape is more common or more accepted, even though it is, if that makes sense.

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 CHAPTER V: DATA ANALYSIS AND DISCUSSION

This exploratory qualitative case study addressed the lack of knowledge of the gay male

experience; how this experience impacts gay males’ functioning (personally, socially,

professionally, and/or academically); how they make sense of the experience; what they learn;

and whether the learning is transformative in ways that foster their post-traumatic growth. This

chapter provides an analysis of the data obtained through six 2-hour interviews which

examined the experiences of participants who identified as gay men at the time of the rape

incident. It was intended that this study provide practitioners, scholars, and organizations

supporting sexual violence survivors an understanding on how to enhance and/or develop

better support systems for gay men who have experienced rape in adulthood, and to

potentially help them learn in ways that could lead a post-traumatic growth.

Participant Demographics

There are a total of six participants who have participated in the study, each having a different

background and offering a different perspective to the phenomenon that is rape. Below there is

a table outlining the six participants, including their age, race/ethnicity, and the time since the

event took place.

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Please note that the listing is provided in the chronological order of study participation:

Table 5

Participant Demographics

Time Since Event

Participant Name Race/Ethnicity Age
Until Participation

Dev Indian/East Asian Early-30s 3 Years

Chris White Early-40s 14 Years
Jacob White Mid-40s 9 Years
Daniel White Late-30s 20 Years
Cameron White Early-30s 9 Years
Enrique Hispanic Mid-30s 16 Years

The participants ranged from their early 30s to their mid 40s. The time since the incident

ranged from 3 to 20 years. The age at time of the incident ranged from late teens to mid-30s

respectively. Below, Figure 2 breaks down the participant demographics according to race:

Figure 2

Participant Breakdown by Race

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There are a total of four participants who identified as White (66.3%), one identified as

Indian/East Asian (16.8%), and the last participant identified as Hispanic/Latino (16.8%).

The age at time of the incident ranges from the late teens to the mid 30s. Below, Figure

3 represents the breakdown of participants’ age at time of the incident:

Figure 3

Participant Breakdown by Age at Time of Incident

The above figure demonstrates the participants’’ age at time of incident. Both Enrique

and Daniel were in their late teens (33.3%). Cameron and Chris were in their early 20s (33.3%).

Dev was in his late 20s (16.7%). Finally, Jacob was in his mid 30s (16.7%).

Table 6 outlines the religious and/or spiritual identity of the participants before and

after the incident. Asking about their religious and/or spiritual identity and how it may have

changed after the incident was part of the interview protocol. This was to gauge if their change

was part of their learning, as well as if spiritual growth was part of their journey towards post-

traumatic growth. This table is constructed in the chronological order of the six participants’

interviews.

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 Prior to the incident, two participants identified as Catholic, one identified as

Pentecostal, one identified as Hindu, and another identified as an Atheist. One participant said

he had no religious or spiritual identity but did not identify as Atheist or Agnostic. There were

two changes in the religious and/or spiritual identity, with Daniel identifying as Catholic prior to

the incident and identifying as nondenominational Christian afterwards. Cameron was the

second with a change in religious and/or spiritual identity, changing from identifying as an

Atheist prior to the incident and now identifying as an Agnostic. Both Daniel and Cameron

supported that their identity change was aligned with the experience:

Table 6

Participant Religious and/or Spiritual Identity Before and After Incident

Religion/Spiritual Identity Religion/Spiritual Identity

Participant Name
at Time of Incident Since Incident

Dev Hindu Hindu

Chris Christian – Pentecostal Christian – Pentecostal
Jacob No Identifier Specified No Change in Identity Specified
Daniel Christian - Catholic Christian – Non Denominational
Cameron Atheist Agnostic
Enrique Christian - Catholic Christian - Catholic

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The figure below presents a breakdown of the various religious/spiritual identities for the

participants prior to the incident:

Figure 4

Religion/Spiritual Identities at Time of Incidents

As demonstrated above, there were 2 participants (33.3%) who identified as Christian –

Catholic. For the identities of Atheist, Christian – Pentecostal, Hindu, as well as no specification,

there were one participant (16.7%) for each of the categories.

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The figure below demonstrates the breakdown of identities after the participants’ incidents:

Figure 5

Religion/Spiritual Identities after the Incidents

As displayed above, there are a total of two changes to identities, with Daniel now identifying

as non-denominational Christian and Cameron as Agnostic.

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The following figure demonstrates a cumulative comparison between those who have changed

to those whose identities have not changed:

Figure 6

Religion/Spiritual Identity Change Comparison

As demonstrated above, two participants equating to 33.3% of the participants have changed

their religious/spiritual identities after the experience. It should be noted that both

participants, Daniel and Cameron, who have experienced this change are White, with an

extended period of time since the incident of 9 and 20 years respectively.

Queer Theory and Sexual Identity

It is important to see the various changes in identity, including those outlined within Queer

Theory, as well as sexual or gender identity. Questions regarding how they identify before and

after the incident were within the interview protocol. It was important to develop an

understanding of how they identified before and after the incident to gauge if it was part of

their learning. Queer Theory provides four separate identities for those within the LGBTQ+

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community. Their definitions were used in alignment with the participants’ description of

themselves in order to determine their Queer Theory identity. These identities include the

following:

1. Passers

2. Castro Clones

3. Queer Nationalists

4. Cultural Citizens

Table 7 presents the gender and sexual identities of the participants. While the

parameters of the study stated that one must have identified as a gay man at the time of the

incident, it still is possible that a participant’s perspective on their identity may have changed.

All participants at the time of the incident identified as gay men. All participants, except for

Cameron, still identified as a gay man after the incident. Cameron identified as a bisexual

nonbinary transgender person. Based on Cameron’s experience, they believe that the incident

provided space for them to explore their gender identity and sexual orientation.

The identities were assigned to each participant based on how they described themselves

before and after the incident. Their description was then aligned with the definitions of the

Quuer Theory identity.

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The following table outlines the participants in interview chronological order and then aligned

with their identity prior to and after the incident:

Table 7

Queer Theory Identity

Queer Theory Identity Prior Queer Theory Identity After

Participant Name
to Incident Incident

Dev Castro Close Castro Clone

Chris Passer Queer Nationalist
Jacob Cultural Citizen Queer Nationalist
Daniel Passer Passer
Cameron Passer Queer Nationalist
Enrique Castro Close Queer Nationalist

As displayed above, three participants were Passers, two were a Castro Clone, and one was a

Cultural Citizen. After their separate incidents, one remained a Castro Clone and one remained

a Passer. However, four became Queer Nationalists.

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The figure below provides a visual representation of the participants’ Queer Theory identities

prior to the incident:

Figure 7

Queer Theory Identity Prior to Incident

The above figure demonstrates that three participants (50%) fell within the identity of Passer. It

also presents those two participants (33.3%) who fell within the Castro Clone identity, while

one participant (16.7%) fell within the Cultural Citizen identity.

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The following figure provides a visual representation of the change in identity since the

incident:

Figure 8

Queer Theory Identity After Incident

The figure demonstrates the change of four of the participants (66.7%) to Queer Nationalist,

with two participants remaining with the same identities of Passer (16.7%) and Castro Clone

(16.7%).

Table 8 presents the gender and sexual identities of the participants. While the

parameters of the study stated that one must have identified as a gay man at the time of the

incident, it still is possible that a participant’s perspective on their identity may have changed.

While five of the participants currently identify as a Gay Man, Cameron was explicit in

describing that the experience fostered a space for them to rethink and embrace their gender

identity.

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Table 8

Gender and Sexual Identity

Gender and Sexual Identity Gender and Sexual Identity

Participant Name
at Time of Incident After Incident

Dev Gay Man Gay Man

Chris Gay Man Gay Man
Jacob Gay Man Gay Man
Daniel Gay Man Gay Man
Cameron Gay Man Bisexual Nonbinary Transgender
Enrique Gay Man Gay Man

Lifelines

The following section demonstrates the Transformative Learning emergence within the

participants’ experiences using data displays influenced by Merriam and Clark’s (1991) practice

of lifelines. While Chapter IV provided description of the incidents and strategies, the Lifeline

for each participant demonstrates where strategies were leveraged within the scope of the

Transformative Learning process. Nohl’s (2015) five phases for Transformative Learning are

represented by a color code dot, outlined as follows:

1. The Nondetermining Start – Red;

2. Phase of Experimental and Undirected Inquiry – Orange;

3. Phase of Social Testing and Mirroring – Yellow;

4. Phase of Shifting Relevance – Green;

5. Phase of Social Consolidation and Reinterpretation of Biography – Blue.

The forward direction of the Lifeline demonstrates the duration of time of the participant’s

experience.

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Dev’s Lifeline

Dev was in his late 20s at the time of the incident, involving him being a victim of

stealthing by an unknown assailant he met on an online dating app, Grindr. Given the potential

exposure to HIV, Dev reflected on how it could potentially impact his life, including his health

and social relationships. With these considerations, he immediately sought out medical

assistance. Dev began reflecting on how he felt isolated, and that there was a need to disclose

to friends and colleagues. While he did not initially receive support that was helpful, Dev made

the move to disclose to a friend and those he collaborated at work. Eventually, the memories of

the incident began to impact his professional, social, and academic relationships, as he began to

associate the incident with various elements, including work tasks. He did not make a move to

manage this, as he was relocating for a new job. After his move, he thought of various

strategies to help him manage with his disorientation, including mental health and medical

assistance. He eventually leveraged this course of action and has since been working with

mental health professionals. As a result, Dev has moved past his internalized homophobia,

shame, and embraces a new perspective of sexual positivity.

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 The following figure demonstrates Dev’s journey through the various phases of

Learning:

Figure 9

Dev’s Lifeline

Dev’s journey began with the incident of stealthing and immediately he focused on the

potential implications of contracting HIV. These components align with the first phase of the

Nondetermining Start and the second phase of Experimental and Undirected Inquiry. Engaging

in the act of seeking medical assistance and HIV testing (where he obtained negative results),

demonstrates the third phase of Social Testing and Mirroring. Shortly after, Dev entered the

second phase again after reflecting on the isolation and other psychological impacts of the

incident and he entered the third phase again by disclosing the incident to friends and

colleagues. It was after recognition that it was impacting his work and personal life that he

126
entered the fourth phase of Shifting Relevance. He then relocated and realized that the incident

was still impacting his life, so he reentered the second phase by considering the need for

mental health treatment. Subsequently, he obtained a therapist and continued his use of PrEP.

Through the use of these strategies, Dev obtained post-traumatic growth, as well as the fifth

phase of Social Consolidation and Reinterpretation of Biography by obtaining a higher level of

confidence. Along with this, Dev also navigates his life with a new perspective described as sex

positivity.

Chris’s Lifeline

Chris is a White gay male who was gang raped by unknown assailants in his early 20s.

After his incident, he began to reflect on how he may have contracted HIV and how it would

impact his familiar relations, including his mother. With this consideration, he sought medical

assistance and obtained an HIV test. His results came back positive. The incident and the HIV

contraction became disorienting for Chris, as he began to battle with mental health and

alcoholism. As this continuously disrupted his life, he began to reflect on his identity and what

strategies he could leverage to manage the experience. Following this reflection, Chris reached

out to support systems, including Alcoholics Anonymous. Today, Chris celebrates his nearly 15

years of sobriety. Furthermore, he has embraced his identity and has a placed a higher value of

self, as he has shifted away from his internalized homophobia. The following lifeline presents

Chris’s journey through Transformative Learning.

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Figure 10

Chris’s Lifeline

Chris’s transformative learning journey began with the Nondeterming Start being his rape by

two unknown assailants. He entered phase two, Experimental and Undirected Inquiry, when he

reflected on the possible HIV contraction. He entered the third phase of Social Testing and

Mirroring by seeking medical assistance and HIV testing (which he obtained positive results). He

began to struggle with alcoholism because of the incident and his positive HIV results. He

realized that this was impacting his mental health and well-being, thus entering the fourth

phase of Shifting Relevance. He reentered the second phase when he reflected on potential

strategies to assist with his mental health and alcoholism. This resulted in him joining Alcoholics

Anonymous and began to learn strategies to manage his alcoholism, but also his internalized

homophobia. As a result of these strategies, Chris achieved post-traumatic growth by obtaining

not only sobriety, but also achieving confidence – demolishing his internalized homophobia.

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Jacob’s Lifeline

Jacob was raped in his mid 30s by a work colleague he had little familiarity with.

Immediately following the incident, he reflected on the potential of HIV contraction. This was

exacerbated by the fact that he had always practiced safe sex, and the perpetrator had not

used a condom. As a result, Jacob sought out medical assistance and obtained an HIV test. The

results were negative. The incident became disorienting for Jacob when he began to reflect on

how it would impact his identity. Feeling isolated from the outside world, Jacob began to

ponder the need for disclosure and to seek out support systems. He eventually told a long-time

friend, who validated him by confirming that Jacob had indeed experienced rape.

Simultaneously, Jacob leveraged mental health resources to help with his management. Further

down the road, Jacob began to think of relocating, as he was in close proximity to the place

where the incident happened. Soon, Jacob relocated to another area in order to provide him a

sense of safety. As a result of the experience, Jacob had a shift in perspective where his views

LGBTQ+ rights went from “intellectual to personal.” This supports the shift of him going from a

Cultural Citizen to a Queer Nationalist. The following lifeline represents Jacob’s journey through

experiencing Transformative Learning.

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Figure 11

Jacob’s Lifeline

Jacob’s journey towards post-traumatic growth started with the Nondetermining Start involving

the incident with the perpetrator. He entered the second phase of Experimental and

Undirected Inquiry as he reflected on his HIV status. He entered the third phase of Social

Testing and Mirroring by seeking medical assistance and obtaining HIV testing (where the

results were negative). The fourth phase of Shifting Relevance occurred when Jacob began

recognizing a need to accept the incident as a part of his identity. He reentered the second

phase by reflecting on the need to acquire support system, thus causing him to reenter the

third phase by disclosing the incident to his friends and mental health professionals. He

reentered phase two by reflecting on the impacts of his living situation. As a result, he

reentered phase three by relocating to a new neighborhood. Ultimately, he achieved post-

traumatic growth when he entered the fifth phase, Social Consolidation and Reinterpretation of
130
Biography, by obtaining a heightened level of self-awareness and confidence. Furthermore, as

part of his growth included a paradigm shift where he describes his perspective on gay rights

and sexual violence as going from “intellectual to personal.”

Daniel’s Lifeline

Daniel is a White gay male who was raped in his late teens by an assailant he had

minimal familiarity with. The perpetrator groomed him by establishing trust, providing Daniel a

sense of safety he had not experienced before. Reflecting on the incident, and how he

recognized the predatory behavior and rape was wrong as it replicated the experience of his

childhood sexual abuse, Daniel unsuccessfully sought support. Eventually, the incident became

disorienting for him, as it impacted his personal and academic life. Daniel began to reflect on

the experience, and how it was impacting life and how he could seek support. Eventually, he

chose to seek support with friends and colleagues. Along with battling with mental health,

Daniel also struggled with alcoholism. This added another level of disorientation, as it began to

impact his personal relationships, particularly his husband. Because of this, as well as being

arrested, Daniel checked into a mental health/rehabilitation center. After going through the

process of rehabilitation, as a form of healing, Daniel began to cut toxic relationships.

Ultimately, Daniel experienced post-traumatic growth by embracing and seeing value in himself

and dismantling his internalized homophobia. Figure 12 presents the lifeline that demonstrates

Daniel’s journey towards Transformative Learning.

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Figure 12

Daniel’s Lifeline

Daniel’s journey towards post-traumatic growth and transformative learning took

approximately 20 years. He entered the process with the Nondetermining Start involving a

trusted stranger who he thought would be his mentor. He entered the second phase of

Experimental and Undirected Inquiry when he recognized that the perpetrator violated him,

and that he should report it to an authority figure. He engaged in phase three, Social Testing

and Mirroring, when he disclosed the incident to someone in leadership. Shortly after, he

entered the fourth phase, Shifting Relevance, by recognizing that this was impacting his

personal and academic life. He reentered the second phase by recognizing his need for support

systems. Therefore, he reentered the third phase by obtaining mental health. After an

extended period of time, and battling alcoholism as a result of the incident, he reentered

phased four by recognizing the impact it was having on his personal relationships. Knowing the
132
strategies leveraged from earlier in the process, he reentered phase three by entering a mental

health facility, and eventually severing ties from toxic relationships. Subsequently, Daniel

achieved post-traumatic growth and the fifth phase of Social Consolidation and

Reinterpretation of Biography by moving from his internalized homophobia and embracing self-

appreciation and efficacy.

Cameron’s Lifeline

Cameron was raped by an unknown assailant at an adult bookstore, where they

consented to oral sex, but the perpetrator forced anal. They immediately began to reflect on

the potential for HIV contraction and how it would impact their life, considering they were in a

relationship. Nevertheless, Cameron was worried about the impacts on their health. They

immediately sought medical assistance to be tested for HIV, receiving negative results.

Obsessed with the possibility of HIV contraction, Cameron was tested multiple times, each time

the results were negative. Cameron continuously became obsessed with their rape and

understanding HIV, so much that it began to impact their professional and personal life.

Eventually, this prevented Cameron from enjoying life. Despite their perspective that the queer

community was predatory and dangerous, Cameron reflected on their need to experience

queer culture and make social connections. As a result, Cameron sought out support systems

including his friend and mental health resources. This was with hope that they could slowly

grow accustomed to what they perceived to be a treacherous community. Eventually, with

support, Cameron began to embrace their gender identity and now identify as a non-binary

transgender person. Cameron attributes the experience to opening their eyes to embrace their

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underlying sense of self. The lifeline below presents Cameron’s journey toward Transformative

Learning:

Figure 13

Cameron’s Lifeline

Cameron’s entered phase one, Nondetermining Start, as a result of the incident at the adult

bookstore involving the unknown perpetrator. They entered the second phase of Experimental

and Undirected Inquiry by reflecting on the potential contraction of HIV. As a result, they

entered the third phase, Social Testing and Mirroring, by implementing the strategy and

seeking medical assistance and obtaining an HIV test (where the results were negative). They

became obsessed with the incident and potential of contracting HIV, where eventually it

impacted his personal relationships. This impact is when Cameron entered phase four, Shifting

Relevance. Eventually, Cameron reentered the second phase, as they were reflecting on

potentially reentering the queer community. Because of this, they reentered phase three by

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seeking out safe support systems who would engage with them by immersing into the queer

nightlife. Cameron entered the fifth phase, Social Consolidation and Reinterpretation of

Biography, and post-traumatic growth, when they described their learning resulting in them

embracing their gender.

Enrique’s Lifeline

Enrique is a Hispanic gay male who was raped in his late teens by an assailant he barely

knew, who was leadership of the fraternity he was pledging. After the experience, he reflected

on how the sensations he experienced replicated the experience of his child sexual assault.

Considering his previous experience, he approached his queer mentor and friend, Jordan, to

gain a different perspective. Jordan validated the behavior, by explaining that the actions were

justified since Enrique found the perpetrator attractive and that situations like the incident are

common. Trusting his friend, Enrique moved on. It was not until much later that Enrique

became disoriented as he realized that he had been raped. This challenged his perspective of

the gay community, as he viewed it to be over-sexed and predatory. As a result, Enrique

learned that he was in control and that he needed to be more assertive in queer spaces, thus

embracing a higher value of himself. Figure 14 presents Enrique’s lifeline journey towards

Transformative Learning.

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Figure 14

Enrique’s Lifeline

Phase one, Nondetermining Start, for Enrique began with the incident at the fraternity party

with the fraternity leader. Attempting to make meaning of the incident, he entered phase two,

Experimental and Undirected Inquiry. With these reflections in mind, he entered the third

phase, Social Testing and Mirroring, by seeking validation of the incident with his friend and

queer mentor. Considering the response, Enrique did not think too much of the incident for

years, until he entered phase four, Shifting Relevance, and recognized he had been raped. This

caused him to feel uncomfortable with dismissing the incident because of the perpetrator’s

attractiveness. Through reflection and recognizing predatory behavior, Enrique entered the

fifth phase, Social Consolidation and Reinterpretation of Biography and achieved post-

traumatic growth. The benefits of his transformative learning process include establishing and

maintaining boundaries and embracing being dominant.

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Agency

Despite the literature speaking about how rape is about power, thus removing a sense of

agency, the participants exemplified elements of agency through their journey. These elements

are outlined as Bandura’s (2006) four core properties of human agency:

1. Intentionality

2. Forethought

3. Self-Reflectiveness

4. Self-Reactiveness

The table below outlines the four core properties and the frequency of their revelation within

Nohl’s Five Phases of Transformative Learning:

Table 9

Cross-Examination of Agency Among Participant Experiences

Participant Name Phase 1 Phase 2 Phase 3 Phase 4 Phase 5

Forethought 0 6 6 4 6
Intentionality 0 6 5 2 2
Self-Reflectiveness 0 6 6 6 6
Self-Reactiveness 0 6 6 6 6

As demonstrated above, there were no elements of agency within the first phase of The

Nondetermining Start. When looking out at phase 3, Enrique was the only participant who did

not demonstrate the element of intentionality. Within phase 4, Enrique and Jacob were the

only participants who demonstrated intentionality. However, Chris and Dev were the only

participants to not demonstrate the core property of forethought. Finally, when observing
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phase 5, the only participants to demonstrate intentionality within their experience were Daniel

and Jacob.

Cross-Case Analysis

This section focuses on the emergence of themes and patterns from the data,

particularly the leveraging of strategies and other components. Nevertheless, this section

provides data displays to demonstrate these themes to enhance the readers’ understanding.

HIV Testing and Medical Assistance

Figure 15 displays the use of HIV as a strategy during the Transformative Learning

process, falling under the third phase of Social Testing and Mirroring. Moreover, it includes the

participants and outcomes of their medical assistance.

Figure 15

HIV Testing

As demonstrated, four participants sought out medical assistance and obtained an HIV

test, including Dev, Jacob, Cameron, and Chris. As a result of this, Dev, Jacob, and Cameron

obtained negative test results, while Chris obtained positive test results.

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Seeking Support from Friends

Throughout the participants’ journeys, there was a search for support systems. Overall,

the search for support from family was nonexistent. However, there was a pattern of seeking

support from friends in four out of the six cases. Figure 16 demonstrates the participants who

sought out support from friends as well as the results.

Figure 16

Seeking Support from Friends

As demonstrated in Figure 6, four participants—Dev, Jacob, Cameron, and Enrique—

reached out to friends for support at some point within their experience. Dev experienced

secondary victimization, where he felt as though he was being victimized all over again (Jackson

et al., 2017). Jacob and Cameron disclosed how they felt supported by their friends. Jacob’s

friends supported him by helping him recognize that the behaviors were out of character for

him and he had been raped. Cameron’s friend’s support allowed him to feel a sense of safety

when returning to queer spaces. While Enrique did receive support by a friend he viewed as a

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queer mentor, his friend merely validated the rape because Enrique considered the perpetrator

“attractive.”

Seeking Mental Health Assistance

Figure 17 presents the participants who sought mental health professional support

during their experience. This encompasses therapy as well as the use of mental health facilities.

Figure 17

Seeking Mental Health Assistance

Figure 17 shows that the use of mental health professionals was leveraged by five of the

participants—Dev, Chris, Jacob, Daniel, and Cameron. It should be noted that such leveraging

occurred after the fourth phase of Shifting Relevance.

Alcoholism

As demonstrated by the previous figures, certain strategies were leveraged through the

journey to help the process of Transformative Learning towards post-traumatic growth.

However, given the research questions, it is important to acknowledge what hindered the

process. Figure 18 presents the participants who battled alcoholism as a result of the incident.

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Figure 18

Participant Alcoholism

Figure 18 shows that three out of six participants—Chris, Jacob, and Daniel—disclosed

that they struggled with alcohol because of the incident. It should be noted that Chris

eventually joined Alcoholics Anonymous, while Daniel checked into a rehabilitation center.

Experiential Avoidance

Continuing with the presentation of circumstances that hindered the journey

towards post-traumatic growth and Transformative Learning, it is important to show the

patterns of experiential avoidance. Experiential avoidance occurred when the participants

closed themselves off from the outside world as a result of a traumatic event (Gold et al., 2007)

(see Figure 19).

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Figure 19

Experiential Avoidance

Figure 19 shows that five out of the six cases—Dev, Chris, Jacob, Daniel, and Cameron—

experienced a level of experiential avoidance. It should be noted that these experiences all

occurred prior to entering the fourth phase of Shifting Relevance.

Internalized Homophobia

Another hindrance that emerged as a theme is internalized homophobia. Part of

Internalized homophobia is when one blames the event on their sexual identity, thus avoiding

queer associations and spaces (Davies, 2002) (see Figure 20).

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Figure 20

Internalized Homophobia

Figure 20 shows that four participants—Dev, Chris, Daniel, and Cameron—experienced

some form of internalized homophobia. All four demonstrated a paradigm shift of moving away

from internalized homophobia by embracing their sense of self.

Discussion

There were several moments the researcher wanted to stop the study, as recruitment

for this study was difficult. When the initial recruitment for this study occurred, there were

more than double potential participants willing to share their narrative. Shortly after launching

the study, the COVID-19 pandemic struck, effectively implementing a global lockdown. In

response to the pandemic, the World Health Organization (2022) expresses that there was/is

negative psychological impact stemming from lockdowns and social distancing during the

pandemic, including high levels of anxiety and depression. With this consideration, it is safe to

assume that this minimized the willingness to participate in such a highly sensitive study.

Furthermore, the process involved pushback from the community this study seeks to serve,

including levels of cyber bullying. The research was called “exploitative” and “unethical.” The

IRB was notified for feedback on how to manage such a response. However, representatives
143
from the IRB notified the researcher that, “the IRB stands with [the researcher] and against this

and all forms of bullying.” This behavior brought up a sense of curiosity, as the researcher

wondered community resistance is a reason there is minimal research on gay male rape.

It is highly important to reinforce that the sample is small and does not provide the

diversity that is within the LGBTQ+ community. These findings are simply the beginning to a

greater conversation. Moreover, this sample solely includes participants from the United

States, thus lacking a global perspective. Nevertheless, despite the sample size, the diverse

experiences demonstrate multiple similarities.

The experiences validate the notion that survival’s purest form exists when one is in a

space of grief, sadness, or despair (O’Sullivan, 2012). The researcher has concluded that the

experiences documented for each of the participants attest to transformation due to the

changes these participants underwent. Even though no formal “measure” of transformative

learning was specifically taken in these retrospective accounts of their learning journeys, the

researcher’s interpretation of the evidence using Nohl’s (2015) framework supports his

assertion that these participants experienced transformation through their learning over time.

Their learning included identifying and questioning assumptions, taking others’ perspectives,

and taking action based on newly acquired points of view or habits of mind. Changes they made

were sustained over time.

Additionally, the concept of Transformative Learning is not linear and can require an

extensive amount of time. According to the sample, Transformative Learning can take at least

5-20 years. In certain circumstances, the cycle provides space for learners to adjust their

journey towards post-traumatic growth accordingly; going in and out of the various phases.

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What is refreshing about leveraging Nohl’s Five Phases of Transformative Learning is that it

provides a person managing trauma opportunities for recalibration. Meaning, that after

navigating through the process and recognizing the disruption an experience causes (similar to

Mezirow’s disorienting dilemma), one can regroup and reenter a phase of reflection and

continue the process towards growth. For example, this was demonstrated by participants

entering phase 2 to phase 3, then achieving phase 4, only to go back to phase 2 and 3 before

ultimately achieving phase 5. While the study included a small sample, it demonstrated the

potential for Transformative Learning and post-traumatic growth as a result of the gay male

rape experience. It also concretized the perspective raised by Gilpin-Jackson (2014) that

Transformative Learning and post-traumatic growth are aligned because both consist of similar

elements.

As Davies (2002) explains, the act of gay male rape sparks feelings like that of coming-

out (when one reveals their sexual identity for the first time). Because of this, it could be

discerned that those who are victims of gay male rape may have developed a skillset during

their coming-out that is leveraged after experiencing their Nondetermining Start. This could

include the immediate journey to the HIV clinic for testing, as demonstrated by four of the

participants. This exhibits the potential long-term health implications of gay male rape,

including symptoms are not only psychological (e.g., PTSD and anxiety), but also physiological

(e.g., deterioration of the immune system). It brings up the question how far the conversation

of consent is interwoven within the community’s definition of safe sex, as HIV seems to be

more of concern. Hence, it is not surprising that four participants sought confirmation they did

not contract the virus rather than go to authorities. Nevertheless, this highlights the importance

145
of HIV testing facilities because they were leveraged as the immediate point of contact after the

incident.

Viewing the participants’ experiences, “agency'' as described by Bandura (2006; 2018)

reveals itself throughout each of the phases of Nohl’s Five Phases of Transformative Learning

(2015), excluding phase 1: Nondetermining Start. The participants described an immediate

course of action, “problem-solve first, break down later.” The concept that one loses a sense of

agency during the experience of rape, does not seem to be the case for victims of gay male

rape. With this being a small sample, perhaps this idea could be explored in future research;

that gay men who experience rape do not lose agency because it mimics “coming out.”

However, the researcher emphasizes that not all gay male rape victims have a coming out

narrative that takes place before their rape, so it would not speak for all gay men.

Something to consider is the level of education these participants had at the time of the

incident. Those who had completed a college degree seemed to provide a more systematic

approach to their management, including obtaining HIV testing. Perhaps, the critical thinking

development that occurs within the confines of higher education provide a problem-solving skill

set not found within the experiences of Daniel and Enrique (both who were at the infancy of

their college career). This does not, however, equate to a lack of emotional impact. Dev, Chris,

Jacob, and Cameron all had college education, but their emotional struggles far surpassed

Enrique’s description.

Secondary Victimization, when participants are feeling that they are being victimized all

over again (Jackson et al., 2017), occurred throughout these experiences. This is evident by

Dev’s description of the first time he disclosed to a friend, only to have his friend guilt him for

146
not reporting. Validation of rape by support systems could be included in the definition of

Secondary Victimization. This occurred when Jordan validated Enrique’s rape because the

perpetrator’s attractiveness. This should be included in the definition because the validation

minimizes the incident, victimizing the survivor and pushing them away from the

support/services they may need.

In certain cases, secondary victimization occurred not by a person, but various systems

(e.g., medical and mental health services). Dev’s experience revealed frustration of potentially a

heteronormative approach to care within the medical community. This particularly is

underscored by his doctor’s lack of knowledge of a common medication (PrEP) used within the

LGBTQ+ community. Cameron described frustration with access to mental health resources,

causing them to feel as though they were managing in silence. This is another point to

potentially include in the definition of secondary victimization; that the lack of potential

resources places a burden on the survivor to self-manage potential psychological implications

(i.e., PTSD and depression), thus victimizing them all over again.

Mental health resources were part of five participants’ experiences, including Cameron.

However, the other four participants (Jacob, Daniel, Chris, and Dev) described a more positive

interaction that enabled them to seek a pathway towards growth. However, it was concerning

that mental health resources were only considered after other strategies were leveraged,

particularly substance abuse (alcohol). Substance abuse is not the only mental health concern

contained within the experience. All five of these cases demonstrate the critical value of mental

health resources and spaces. The implementation of such spaces would provide resources that

may have a positive impact on the survivor, including empowering them towards post-

147
traumatic growth. These spaces could also provide support that would not lead to the

alcoholism Chris, Daniel, and Jacob describe as part of the experience. While it is not clear if

these spaces could have prevented the participants from battling alcoholism, having a space to

safely engage in dialogue could have led to a more positive outcome. Moreover, these safe

spaces could have minimized the five participants' impact of the experience resulting in

Experiential Avoidance as described by Gold et al. (2007), where the one avoids the outside

world as a result of a traumatic event. Elements of depression within experiential avoidance

and suicidal thoughts are areas of concern, as the participants mentioned these to be disruptive

in their journey towards post-traumatic growth and Transformative Learning. All in all, mental

health support resources and HIV testing locations were critical points of contact for a greater

part of the sample.

Sex as validation was a prevalent part of these participants’ thinking, as well as body

image issues. It could be safe to say, based on the data, that they are connected. Perhaps this

leads to the conversation of how we view men’s bodies, and the conversation of how that

perspective leads to men feeling as though they require sex to validate their existence. Dev’s

body image issues were rooted within his upbringing, as his father would comment on his

weight/image. However, it is important to recognize that implications of such pressure blended

into adulthood. This brings to question of how much childhood trauma impacts their navigation

of the experience of rape, considering Dev, Daniel, and Enrique disclosed that they were victims

of child sex abuse.

Both Dev and Enrique disclose how the incident triggered memories of their childhood

trauma. Enrique described how the rape simulated the feelings he felt when he was a young

148
boy. Meanwhile, Dev described frustrations with systems and his body image. Particularly, he

described how the police were dismissive when he and his father reported his child sex abuse,

because of his appearance. Daniel, who had multiple experiences being sexually abused as a

child, virtually imploded when he was raped in adulthood. This demonstrates the need for more

conversation about how much support we provide young boys when they experience such

tragedy. The minimal support, or lack thereof, for those who have experienced child sex abuse

could be the anchor, foundation, and/or starting off point of how they manage adult rape. For

instance, when reviewing Daniel’s Lifeline, one will see how his is by far the most complicated

and longest journey through Transformative Learning. Furthermore, he was also the only

participant to admit that he engaged in predatory behavior after his adult rape. During his

interview, he described high frequency child sex abuse to a point where there was almost a

sense of normalcy. Conceivably, studies on the connection between gay male rape and child sex

abuse could be helpful to understand the impact of the latter when managing the experience.

Conclusion

The participants describe the experience of gay male rape to be violent, disruptive, and

a catalyst for a paradigm shift. The participants described a yearning to find logic, all while the

experience shatters their perception of the world around them and themselves. Gay male rape

is not talked about enough universally, nor to a level where critical awareness is discussed

within. While previous parallel studies (e.g., studies on female rape) have alluded that rape is

about power and removing agency, this sample demonstrated that gay men maintain a sense of

agency over the experience. With consideration to Davies (2002) and the idea that rape could

replicate the coming-out experience, it may be that the participants acquired a level of strategic

149
capability and understanding that was leveraged during the rape experience—thus the

consistent sense of agency.

This study demonstrates how the participants did not feel there is access to support

systems due in part by predisposed internalized homophobia. Furthermore, the systems these

participants accessed (e.g., personal relationships, mental health resources, and medical

providers) were not adequately prepared to offer the support needed to assist gay male rape

survivors. It highlights how various venues and mobile applications (e.g., Grindr) can indirectly

create an environment for gay male rape susceptibility. Perhaps, it is aligned with the

sexualization of the male body within the community, which bleeds into one’s obsession with

body image.

Finally, the researcher concludes that Transformative Learning revealed itself within the

traumatic phenomenon that is gay male rape. Nohl’s (2015) Five Phases revealed themselves to

not be linear but a foundation where the participant establishes their own rhythm towards

post-traumatic growth. It is valuable to recognize that this approach to Transformative Learning

outlines a framework that provides space for recalibration and return to whatever phase the

survivor/learner is comfortable to revisit. This process is reminiscent of the old proverb, “if at

first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” This cycle/rhythm of the participants' journey

demonstrates rationale to highlight that Transformative Learning has potential to be a long

process, surpassing over 20 years. The length, however, should not be viewed as a barrier, but

potentially a blessing.

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 Recommendations

Based on the experiences of the six participants, multiple recommendations have

emerged from the study. These range from potential practices and future research.

HIV Testing Centers

Four participants immediately sought medical assistance by obtaining an HIV test. Sadly,

one of those participants contracted the virus and is living with the consequences. Considering

that the participants’ initial reaction was to obtain an HIV test, this suggests that centers should

engage in gay male rape support practices. This includes the implementation of what are

commonly known as “rape kits” (items used to collect evidence) at these facilities, as well as

access to support providers (e.g., mental health counselors trained in sexual violence support).

Awareness of Gay Male Rape

In recent years, because of the #MeToo movement, there has been a heightened

awareness of sexual violence. However, the awareness of gay male rape is still minimal, despite

its frequency. It is recommended that those who support gale male rape survivors (e.g., sexual

violence response centers, higher education institutions, and medical/mental health

professionals) provide a more inclusive approach to their practice by being intentional in

including this demographic. This includes potentially revisiting language, imagery, and even the

training, so that it demonstrates this is a problem across genders. Furthermore, the

conversation of consent should bring more awareness to stealthing and how it violates that

agreement.

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Fostering Transformative Learning Towards Post-Traumatic Growth

This study adds confirmation to the view that there can be alignment between

Transformative Learning and post-traumatic growth. Because of this, it is recommended that

educators, mental health professionals, and other facilitators assisting with trauma survivors

consider developing an understanding of Transformative Learning theory and how it could be

beneficial to enhance their practice, including fostering critical reflection and dialogue.

Future Research

There are multiple avenues for future research as a result of this study. First, considering

that agency was a consistent component of the participants’ experiences, along with Davies’s

(2002) correlation that the experience imitates the coming-out experience, it is recommended

that research be done to review how agency, learning, and strategies emerge within the

coming-out experience. This is to gain an understanding of whether the gay male rape survivors

learned and/or leveraged strategies within the coming-out experience that may align with the

rape experience, thus influencing the level of agency. Secondly, there is potential to study how

education and critical thinking development impact one’s management of the experience. For

example, contrary to those with a higher level of education, the findings show those with less

education were more rooted in the reflective data points. Finally, this study should be

replicated at a time that is not impacted by the COVID-19 pandemic, as it is assumed that the

mental health impacts of the pandemic could have potentially impacted the willingness of

participants to engage in such a study. Furthermore, the researcher suggests that this

methodology be used with other populations (e.g., war veterans, female rape victims, cancer

152
survivors, etc.), to better understand their learning journey towards transformation and post-

traumatic growth.

153
 EPILOGUE

I wrote this segment of my dissertation nearly one month after my defense. It has been

quite the experience - disorienting, heartbreaking, yet victorious. As I sat on Zoom with my

sponsor, the great Victoria Marsick, she encouraged me to remember why I chose this topic. I

often forget my motivation, considering the tremendous heartache I experienced. I came to

Teachers College to learn from the greatest in the field of Adult Learning. I had hoped to

conduct a study leveraging and enhancing Victoria’s research on informal learning and its

implications on instructional design, or even faculty incivility. However, it was when this

tragedy struck my life that I recognized that there was a need to amplify the narratives of those

who experienced such violence. My academic mind navigated a desperate search to find

something out in the realm of publications that could help me understand this tragedy and give

me a road map to healing. Nevertheless, the results of such a search were minimal. Parallel

studies focusing on women helped me slightly understand, and studies about the myth of male

rape angered me.

It was because of this that I somehow felt that this was my calling. I wanted to

demonstrate the importance of these narratives for someone who might be going through this;

telling them that it will be ok. Preparing to launch this study took what seemed like forever. My

own rape opened a Pandora’s Box of emotions and a paradigm of defeat, doubt, and

depression. I battled many demons that I believed I had conquered only to reface them as a

result of my rapist. To this day, I do not know what he looks like.

Because my experience, I found myself becoming an advocate for the underdog,

focusing on various social justice initiatives. This included anything from sexual violence

154
awareness to bringing light to the egregious racial inequities within my own community.

Sometimes within these spaces I was hailed as a leader, while some viewed me as a nuisance.

Many times, when I experienced resistance, it brought up similar emotions I felt during my

rape, as if someone was seeking to suck the oxygen from my lungs and diminish my soul.

However, this pushed me into critical reflection; navigating through my thoughts to gain a

better understanding. My intent was to not let my perpetrator win by losing my “sparkle.”

I did not want to lose that internal spark. If I did, I would lose the energy, the will, the hope to

tell the narratives of these participants. I wanted to demonstrate that growth for the better was

possible despite being victim to such a heinous act. There were many moments I wanted to give

up and move on from this study. However, it would have been an injustice not just to myself,

but to my community.

A major milestone for me was approval from the IRB to conduct this study. I had done

so much due diligence, including seeking insight from mental health professionals. When I

launched the study, however, I was met with such resistance from members of my own

community that I felt a desire to end this study. Again, I was feeling emotions/sensations similar

to when I was raped. I felt my heart cracking in pain, as the comments from the internet trolls

were filled with cruelty I did not expect. Again, I would find myself deeply reflecting, reminding

myself why I am doing this work.

Within the resistance, emerged six participants who wanted to tell their narratives. Each

one of these participants expressed their belief of how important this study was important and

needed. Their stories were complex; filled with roller coasters of emotions. Perhaps, a roller

coaster is not the appropriate metaphor, as many of their narratives kept me in a state of grief.

155
It was only towards the end, where they expressed how they perceived themselves, that I was

able to imagine a shift towards the “light at the end of the tunnel.” It was a place out of

darkness and into a space of resilience and hope.

I made a conscious effort to not let my narrative influence how I understood the

emergence of learning, or any other areas of importance. It was imperative for me to bracket

my experience, and memo anything that may have needed revisitation. While I was able to

maintain composure during these interviews, I will admit that two interviews (Chris and Daniel)

shook me to my core. All the narratives were violent and made some sort of impact on me, but

theirs were so vivid that it was hard to not fall into an emotional space. After ending those

conversations, I remember the mix of emotions ranging from sadness to anger. Chris’s story

was heartbreaking, as he spoke about his search for acceptance, his struggle with body image,

and eventually his growth towards self-love. This story resonated with me, as it is not too far

from my own narrative. Self-love and appreciation seem to be a common yearning among all of

these participants. It seems to be something that resonates within the LGBTQ+ community at

large, considering all the candid conversations I have had over my years as an openly gay man.

As I think of Daniel’s story, the idea that he imitated the behavior of his perpetrator, for lack of

a better term, freaked me out. It made me think of my own perpetrator, and the idea that

perhaps he was engaging in a behavior learned from his own sexual trauma. The answer to

that, I will never know.

In the end, my intent for this study was to bring light to a problem that is more common

in the LGBTQ+ community than we would like to admit. While my sample is small, the

quantitative evidence presented by scholars before me demonstrate that sexual violence is a

156
rampant crisis impacting our community. These narratives merely provide a glimpse of how

sexual violence is not a heteronormative issue, but an everyone issue. Nevertheless, I believe

that these stories should be enough to revisit our support systems, how we engage with

survivors, and even more so, how we treat each other.

157
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 Appendix A

IRB Application

IRB APPLICATION
SECTION I: PROTOCOL DESCRIPTION

1. Study Title.

Learning to Survive, Surviving to Learn: Exploring the experiences of gay men who have been
raped in adulthood
2. Principal Investigator (person conducting the research). Professional title and email.

Steven David Torres, Doctoral Student, sdt2129@tc.columbia.edu

3. Write an original, brief, non-technical description of the purpose of your research. Include a
narrative that explains the major parts of your study and how the data will advance your
research hypothesis or question. NOTE: This section should be easy to read for someone not
familiar with your academic discipline. Provide relevant background information and
scientific justification for your study. You may provide citations as necessary. Please adhere
to a 350-word limit (not including citations).

The purpose of this study is to address multiple gaps in understanding the gay male rape
experience; the knowledge about the frequency of gay male rape; whether or not the support
provided towards recovery is adequate; the role learning plays in recovery; and if such learning
is transformative, its contribution towards post-traumatic growth. This study will explore the
experience of 12-15 gay men who have been raped in adulthood by a non-domestic assailant,
with whom the participant had minimum to no familiarity with, in a space they anticipated as
being safe. However, this study will not explore the experiences of gay men who have
experienced rape while incarcerated. This exploratory qualitative case study will address the
lack of knowledge of the gay male experience; how this experience impacts their functioning
(personally, socially, professionally, and/or academically); how they make sense of the
experience, and what they learn, and whether or not the learning is transformative in ways that
foster their post-traumatic growth. It is intended that this study provide practitioners, scholars,
and organizations supporting sexual violence survivors an understanding on how to enhance
and/or develop better support systems for gay men who have experienced rape in adulthood,
and to potentially help them learn in ways that contribute to post-traumatic growth.
Approximately 40% of gay men and 47% of bisexual men have experienced sexual violence
other than rape, compared to 21% of heterosexual men (Black et al., 2011). Aligning with this
experience, Gay men who are victimized struggle with identity and their place within the
LGBTQ+ community, including internalized homophobia and/or experiential avoidance (Gold
et al., 2006). While it is intended to provide the general public insight into this minimized

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phenomenon, it could potentially provide practitioners, scholars, and organizations supporting
sexual assault survivors an insight on how to enhance and/or develop better support systems
for gay men who have experienced rape.

4. State your research question(s). Your planned research protocol should be one that can
realistically address your research question(s).

1. How do participants describe their experience of having been raped?

2. How does learning reveal itself during the participant’s journey towards post-
traumatic growth?
3. What factors do participants describe helped and/or hindered their ability to
manage the experience, learn, and develop towards post-traumatic growth?

5. Provide the inclusion criteria for the participant population (e.g., by gender, class, race,
occupation, or age). Provide a rationale for selecting this population for research purposes.

To be eligible to participate in the study, the participant must identify as a cis-gender

(biologically born) gay man who has been raped in adulthood by a non-domestic person with
whom they have minimum to no familiarity within a space they predetermined as safe. The
term non-domestic is to establish that this study will not explore domestic violence. It also
implies that the assailant was not a family member, friend, roommate, and/or significant other
living with the participant at the time of the incident. Furthermore, the study is intended to
explore the experience of male rape outside the confines of incarceration.
Please note that knowing the sensitivity of topic, consent materials and interview protocols
have been reviewed by 4 licensed mental health counselors and 1 psychotherapist to gage
appropriate language to be considerate of the potential participants.

6. Federal guidelines state that research cannot exclude any classes of participants without
scientific justification. Indicate who will be excluded from your study and why (e.g., persons
under 18 years of age).

Potential participants cannot have been raped while incarcerated. Rape cannot have happened
while participant was under the age of 18. Women are not included in this study.

7. Provide the maximum number of participants you plan to enroll for each participant
population and justify the sample size.

12-15 for interviews.

Total potential participants: 15 participants

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8. Describe your recruitment methods. How and where will participants be recruited (e.g.,
flyers, announcements, word-of-mouth, snowballing, etc.)? Submit a copy of all recruitment
letters, scripts, emails, flyers, or social media posts you plan to use to recruit participants for
your study as separate documents with your application. You will need to include your IRB
Protocol number (e.g., 18-123) on all recruitment materials, including announcements,
online posts, and email text, etc.

Convenience and Snowballing - I will recruit by word-of-mouth, social media platforms (i.e.
Facebook, Twitter, etc.). As a last resort, gay dating applications (i.e. Grindr and Scruff) will be
used. See “Social Media Recruitment Notice” and “Recruitment Script.”

9. Describe the location, setting, and timing of data collection (e.g., face-to-face interview at a
mutually convenient location, at the start of the semester). Include the state, city, school
district, etc. Note: If you are recruiting participants from institutions other than Teachers
College include a site permission form (template located in Mentor/Documentation) or a
pending IRB approval from the institution(s) with this submission. If you are conducting any
part of your research within NYC DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION (DOE) Schools, it is required
that you receive approval from Teachers College IRB prior to submitting your application to
the Department of Education IRB (DOE IRB).

The field setting, and consent procedures of this study will be completed with the utmost
sensitivity when working with the participants. In hopes of providing a safe-space for discussion
and the revelation of their experience, should the interview take place in person, participants
will be asked to select a place for them to meet. However, I will also ensure that the space
selected will be away from background noise and/or unnecessary spectators (i.e. places like
coffee shops are not to be considered). Given that some of the participants may be located out
of physical reach, they will be able to designate their preferred video-calling platform, including
Skype, Google Hangout, and FaceTime, or if necessary, a web-based conferencing platform such
as Zoom will be used.

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 SECTION II: DESCRIPTION OF STUDY ACTIVITIES & PROCEDURES

10. List what your participants will be asked to do during your study and your data collection
process (e.g., fill out a 25-question, closed-ended, paper survey). Note: Submit copies of all
instruments, surveys, interview questions, observation checklists, etc. that you plan to use
for data collection as separate documents. Indicate whether data are collected as part of an
initial participant screening or the actual study. If you have multiple participant groups (e.g.,
parents, teachers, and students or control groups and experimental groups), please specify
which group you are asking to complete which task(s). If applicable, submit separate
translated copies of all questionnaires, interview questions, consent forms, and recruitment
materials, for each participant population. Upload a copy of the back-translation
(translation into the target language and back into English) document using Google-
Translate to validate translation accuracy. Alternatively, the translator can sign the
“translation verification” form in Mentor/Documentation.

Pre-screening survey will be created using Qualtrics. Link will be provided to potential
participants via email using TC email account. It will ask for demographic information, including
age, age at time of incident, location of the incident, and race. The interview will ask the
demographic information and follow an interview protocol (see attached).

11. Please check the box(s) that best describes the specific nature of your data.

In Microsoft Word, double-click the box or type an “X” to mark your selection.
☒ I will personally collect new data. ☐ I will access existing data.
☐ Somebody else will collect the data ☐ I will use a web-based data collection
via proxy (please explain). site (e.g., Amazon’s Mechanical Turk
(MTurk) or ResearchMatch).
☐ Other (please explain).

12. Please check the box(s) that best describe your study activities.
In Microsoft Word, double-click the box or type an “X” to mark your selection.
☒ Audio recordings ☐ Clinical trials, Experiments, or
Randomized Controlled Trials
☐ Documents and Records ☐ Ethnographies, Oral History, and
Case Studies
☒ Interviews or Focus Group Sessions ☒ Online (e.g., Qualtrics, RedCap, or
other web-based collection method)
☐ Observations ☐ Program Evaluations
☐ Other (please explain) ☐ Video recordings

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13. Please list the activity, occurrence, and duration in which your participants will be engaging.

Data Collection Description and Timeline

Name of Activity Duration of Total Timeline for Data to be
activity occurrence activity per time launch collected
instance period
Audio- 1 120 minutes 120 Phase one of Discussion of
recorded Given topic minutes data collection. the lived
individual sensitivity, This will begin experiences
face-to-face participants will immediately gay men
interview or be offered an after IRB who have
Individual opportunity to approval. experienced
Phone/Zoom split the rape as an
interview into adult.
two interviews Will follow
at different time interview
periods. protocol.

Total hours of participation for all tasks: Two hours with opportunity to split interview into
two separate one-hour interview sessions.
Total duration of participation (e.g., days, months, and/or years): 2 hours

14. If you will be audio/video recording, please state how you will ensure that all participants
have consented to be recorded. How will you ensure that individuals who are not
participating in your study (e.g., other children in a classroom) will not also be recorded?

Yes, audio recording will take place during the one-on-one interviews. Any identifying factors
such as participant name and geographic location will be de-identified. Audio recording will be
destroyed after transcription.
For interviews conducted over the phone or via Zoom, participants will be notified verbally
when the audio recorder is started and stopped. I will state, “I will begin audio recording. Is that
okay?” If they agree, I will press record. I will then state, “I am stopping the audio recording,” at
the end of the interview.
A participant may ask to stop the recording at any time.

15. State whether participants will be compensated for their participation. NOTE: If you plan to
use a lottery system, please state odds of winning here and in the consent form. Also, if you
will be offering course credit for study participation, you must discuss this here and include
the alternative assignment for those who decline to participate in the study. Will
compensation be pro-rated if the participant does not complete all aspects of the study? If
you pay participants after their participation, please make it clear how you will link
names/contact information confidentially to any record of the compensation.

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No.

16. Will deception be used? If so, please provide a rationale for its use. NOTE: Upload a
debriefing script as a separate document. Include a statement that gives your participants
the opportunity to withdraw their participation at that time. Studies involving deception are
given Full Board Review unless the deception is minor and risks are minimal.
No.

17. Will you have a control group, or a comparison group? If so, please describe your
procedures and explain the purpose of using a control group.
No.

18. Will you need bilingual interpreters or interviewers, and if so, what will you do to ensure
participant confidentiality? What are your procedures for recruiting interpreters and
interviewers?
No.

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 SECTION III: DESCRIPTION OF RESEARCH RISKS & BENEFITS

19. Describe the potential risks to your participants. Risks can be physical, psychological,
economic, or social. What is the likelihood of these risks occurring, and/or their seriousness
(e.g., exposure of sensitive data)? How will you work to minimize these risks? NOTE: The IRB
regards no research involving human participants as risk-free. You may describe minimal
risks for your study (such as discomfort, boredom, fatigue, etc.), or state that the research
will involve minimal risk, similar to an activity (named) that participants would perform in
their daily lives.

Participants may feel discomfort, anxiety, and/or embarrassment. Participants are free to end
interview at any time. Participants will be provided a list of resources within their area.

20. What are your plans for ensuring necessary intervention in the event of a distressed
participant and/or your referral sources if there is a need for psychological and/or physical
treatment/assistance?
Participants can end/leave the interview at any time.

21. What qualifications and preparations enable you to estimate and minimize risk to
participants?
I am CITI trained. I have taken research methods, as well as conducted a pilot study within one
of these courses.

22. Describe any possible direct benefits to your participants. Most research will not have any
direct benefits to participants. Occasionally, a study design will include a diagnosis,
evaluation, screening, counseling or training, etc., that has a concrete benefit to
participants, independent of the nature or results of a research study.
No direct benefits. However, understanding the lived experience and the potential learning
could provide benefit to current/future development of learning opportunities and research.

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 SECTION IV: CONFIDENTIALITY PROCEDURES & PARTICIPANT PRIVACY

23. Please check the box(s) that best describes your data. Note: Sensitive data potentially poses
substantial threat to research subjects and can become problematic for the researcher,
researched collection, and/or the dissemination of research data (Lee & Renzetti, 1990).
Substantial threat may include threat to reputation, employment, or access to resources.
Sensitive data may include studies of domestic violence, immigration status, political
activism, homicide, death, trauma, assault, and/or mental, sexual, or physical health (Lee, R.
M., & Renzetti, C. M. (1990). The problems of researching sensitive topics: An overview and
introduction. The American Behavioral Scientist, 33(5), 510–528).

☐ Completely anonymous data (both ☒ Non-sensitive data with identifiers

sensitive and non-sensitive)

☐ Sensitive data with identifiers ☐ Other (please explain)

24. For data with identifiers please describe your method for de-identifying the data to
maintain confidentiality. Note: The term de-identified data refers to subject data from which
all information that could reasonably be used to identify the subject has been removed or
replaced. For example, the researcher may use the safe-harbor method to remove specified
identifiers (name, address, phone, or any other unique identifier, etc.) from a dataset; the
partially de-identified method to remove most, but not all identifiers from the data set (may
require a data use agreement); or the generation of variables method to replace study
subjects’ identifiers, like using a unique code or pseudonym. To be truly de-identified data,
the investigator cannot have codes that link to identifiers.

No names or specific geographic locations will be utilized. All participants will be de-identified
in the study. No identifiers will be collected. The participants will be given a unique code or
pseudonym.
25. If you are working with sensitive identifiable data, please explain why identifiers are
necessary to carry out your research. Sensitive identifiable data should never be sent as an
email attachment. NOTE: If you are collecting private, identifiable heath information as part
of your research, please see our website www.tc.edu/irb under Forms and Guidelines for the
Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) document.

N/A

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 SECTION V: DATA SECURITY

26. Please respond to the following sections.

Please check the box(s) that best describes how you will transfer your data.

☒ I will use a Virtual Private Network
(VPN) for secure data transfer or
other form of encryption (e.g.,
Teachers College’s secure remote
network access).
☐ Not applicable (e.g., data will not be
accessed remotely or transferred. It
will exist only on a locally stored
password-protected hard drive).

Please check the box(s) that best describes how you will store your data.

☒ On a password-protected local or ☒ On Teachers College’s local

external computer hard drive. password-protected network.

☒ On Teachers College’s Google Drive, ☐ In Teachers College’s Dropbox

in a password-protected folder. (faculty only).

☐ Other (e.g., cloud-based, password-

protected storage) (please explain).

Please check the box(s) to affirm your data security plans.

☒ I will encrypt my data (e.g., conceal ☒ I will use anti malware protections
data by converting it into a code). and automatic software updates.

☒ I will block unauthorized access to ☒ I will disable file and media sharing if
my data (e.g., firewall). I do not need it.

☒ I will delete old files from cloud- ☒ I will take care of privacy settings
based backups and local hard drives. immediately upon setup.

27. Teachers College classifies all data associated with ongoing research studies as confidential,
meaning only project staff, academic advisors, collaborators and other individuals at the
college on a need-to-know basis may have access to it. Confidential data at a minimum
should be stored on a password-protected computer, or in a password-protected file or
folder if the computer is shared. Paper and other physical media should be kept under lock
and key. All computers accessing data should have anti-virus software installed.

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 Please check the box below:

☒ Yes, I acknowledge and understand how Teachers College classifies research data.

SECTION VI: INFORMED CONSENT PROCEDURES

28. What are your procedures for obtaining a participant’s informed consent to take part in the
research?

I will provide an informed consent forms that will require the participant’s signature,
consenting to being recorded. During the presentation of consent forms, the participant will
also be provided local resources. If they do not consent to recording, I will take handwritten
notes. Also, the participant will be reminded that they can end the interview at any time
without penalty.
29. How will you describe your research to potential participants?

I will utilize a recruitment script for use via email, verbal interactions, and social media. It will
include IRB protocol number.
30. What will you do to ensure participants’ understanding of the study and what it involves?

I will provide an informed consent form, and an opportunity to ask questions. Throughout
duration of the interview, I will remind them that this is voluntary, and they can end/leave the
interview at any time without penalty.
31. Use this section to provide a request for a full or partial waiver of informed consent, and
justify this request. Indicate “not applicable,” if you are not requesting a waiver. Note: You
may cite criteria from the following link regarding Federal regulations and guidelines:
www.hhs.gov/ohrp/humansubjects/guidance/45cfr46.html#46.116

N/A

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 Appendix B

Interview Informed Consent

Protocol Title: Learning to Survive, Surviving to Learn: Exploring the experiences of gay men
who have been raped in adulthood
Principal Researcher: Steven David Torres
(305) 890-7340, sdt2129@tc.columbia.edu

INTRODUCTION
You are invited to participate in this research study called Learning to Survive, Surviving to
Learn: Exploring the experiences of gay men who have been raped during adulthood.” You may
qualify to take part in this research study because you are over 18 years old, identify as a cis-
gender (biologically born) gay man who has been raped in adulthood by a non-domestic
assailant, with minimum to no familiarity, in a space you anticipated as being safe. This study
will not explore the experience of rape while incarcerated. The rape could not have occurred
before the age of 18. Women are not part of this study. This exploratory qualitative case study
will address the lack of knowledge of the gay male experience; how this experience impacts
their functioning (personally, socially, professionally, and/or academically); how they make
sense of the experience, and what they learn, and whether or not the learning is transformative
in ways that foster their post-traumatic growth. Approximately 15-22 people will participate in
this study. This interview will last no longer than 2 hours. However, recognizing the sensitivity
of this topic, you are able to split the interview up to two one-hour sessions. Please note that
this is not therapy.
Audio recording is part of this study. If you do not want to be audio recorded you can still
participate in this study, and the investigator will take notes.

WHY IS THIS STUDY BEING DONE?

The purpose of this study is to address multiple gaps in understanding the gay male rape
experience; the knowledge about the frequency of gay male rape; whether or not the support
provided towards recovery is adequate; the role learning plays in recovery; and if such learning
is transformative, its contribution towards post-traumatic growth.

WHAT WILL I BE ASKED TO DO IF I AGREE TO TAKE PART IN THIS STUDY?

If you decide to participate, you will be interviewed for no more than two hours. If you prefer,
the interview can be conducted in two separate one-hour segments. The data will not include
your name, geographic location, or any other identifying factors in order to keep your identity
confidential.
This interview will be audio-recorded. After the audio-recording is written down (transcribed)
the audio-recording will be deleted. If you do not wish to be audio-recorded, you will still be
able to participate, and the investigator will take notes.

174
Distance interviews will be conducted via Zoom and you will be provided a link. On the day of
your scheduled distance interview, you are asked to select a space you determine to be safe,
and away from any background noise and other potential distractions.
If you are meeting in person (face-to-face), you are asked to select a space you determine as
safe, and away from background noise and other potential distractions.

WHAT POSSIBLE RISKS OR DISCOMFORTS CAN I EXPECT FROM TAKING PART IN THIS STUDY?

Participants may experience some embarrassment, stress, and/or anxiety when talking about
their own experiences. You may also experience some discomfort with being audio recorded
during the interview. You can choose not to be audio recorded or stop the audio recording at
any time. Recognizing that this may trigger unwanted memories, the investigator will check in
periodically during the interview to ensure you are still willing to participate. Participation is
voluntary, and you can stop at any time.

The primary researcher is taking precautions to keep your information confidential and prevent
anyone from discovering or guessing your identity, such as using a pseudonym or a unique code
instead of your name and keeping all information on a password protected computer and
locked in a file drawer.

WHAT POSSIBLE BENEFITS CAN I EXPECT FROM TAKING PART IN THIS STUDY?

There are no direct benefits.

WILL I BE PAID FOR BEING IN THIS STUDY?

You will not be paid to participate. There are no costs to you for taking part in this study.

WHEN IS THE STUDY OVER? CAN I LEAVE THE STUDY BEFORE IT ENDS?

The study is over when you have completed the interview. You can leave the study at any time.

PROTECTION OF YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY

The investigator will keep all written materials locked in a desk drawer in a locked office. Any
electronic or digital information will be stored on a computer that is password protected. What
is on the audio-recording will be written down and the audio-recording will then be destroyed.
There will be no record matching your real name. Please note that the data collected will be
kept for 3 years from study’s close.
For quality assurance, the study team, the study sponsor (grant agency), and/or members of
the Teachers College Institutional Review Board (IRB) may review the data collected from you
as part of this study. Otherwise, all information obtained from your participation in this study
will be held strictly confidential and will be disclosed only with your permission or as required
by U.S. or State law.
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HOW WILL THE RESULTS BE USED?

The results of this study will be published in dissertation, journals and presented at academic
conferences. Your name or any identifying information about you will not be published. This
study is being conducted as part of an academic project.

CONSENT FOR AUDIO RECORDING

Audio recording is part of this research study. You can choose whether to give permission to be
recorded. If you decide that you do not wish to be recorded, you will still be able to
participate, and the interviewer will take notes.

______I give my consent to be recorded

_____________________________________________________________
Signature

______I do not consent to be recorded

______________________________________________________________
Signature

WHO CAN ANSWER MY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS STUDY?

If you have any questions about taking part in this research study, you should contact the
principal investigator, Steven David Torres, at 305-890-7340 or at sdt2129@tc.columbia.edu or
the research coordinator, Dr. Victoria Marsick at 212- 678-3754.
If you have questions or concerns about your rights as a research subject, you should contact
the Institutional Review Board (IRB) (the human research ethics committee) at 212-678-4105 or
email IRB@tc.edu or you can write to the IRB at Teachers College, Columbia University, 525 W.
120th Street, New York, NY 10027, Box 151. The IRB is the committee that oversees human
research protection for Teachers College, Columbia University.

176
 PARTICIPANT’S RIGHTS
● I have read the Informed Consent Form and have been offered the opportunity to
discuss the form with the researcher.
● I have had ample opportunity to ask questions about the purposes, procedures, risks
and benefits regarding this research study.
● I understand that my participation is voluntary. I may refuse to participate or
withdraw participation at any time without penalty.
● The researcher may withdraw me from the research at the researcher’s professional
discretion.
● If, during the course of the study, significant new information that has been
developed becomes available which may relate to my willingness to continue my
participation, the researcher will provide this information to me.
● Any information derived from the research study that personally identifies me will
not be voluntarily released or disclosed without my separate consent, except as
specifically required by law.
● Identifiers may be removed from the data. De-identified data may be used for future
research studies or distributed to another researcher for future research without
additional informed consent from you (the research participant or the research
participant’s representative).
● I should receive a copy of the Informed Consent Form document.
My signature means that I agree to participate in this study:
Print
name:________________________________________________Date:____________________
__
Signature:_____________________________________________________________________

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 Appendix C

Social Media Posting

Protocol Title: Learning to Survive, Surviving to Learn: Exploring the experiences of gay men
who have been raped in adulthood.

Hello All,

I am earning my doctorate at Teachers College, Columbia University in Adult Learning and

Leadership. I am currently conducting research for my dissertation. This study involves

studying the experiences of 12-15 gay men who have been raped in adulthood by a non-

domestic assailant, with minimum to no familiarity, in a space they anticipated as being safe.

I am interested in learning more about how this experience impacts gay men’s functioning

personally, socially, professionally, and/or academically; how they make sense of the

experience; and what they do to readjust how they live. If you or someone you know fits this

criterion, and are willing to be interviewed, please private message me or email me at

sdt2129@tc.columbia.edu. Please note that this is not therapy. Thank you for your help with

this.

All my best,

-Steven David-

Steven David Torres, M.S.

Doctoral Student | Teachers College, Columbia University

Teachers College, Columbia University IRB: #############

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 Appendix D

Interview Protocol

Institution: Teachers College, Columbia University

Participant Identifier (Pseudonym Only): __________________
Interviewer: Steven David Torres
Research Study: Learning to Survive, Surviving to Learn: Exploring the experiences of gay men
who have been raped in adulthood
Areas of Focus: Participant background and interviewee perspective

Conditions of Participation
Participating in this project is voluntary, and refusal to participate or withdrawing from
participation at any time during the project will involve no penalty or loss of benefits to which
the subject is otherwise entitled. The principal investigator(s) may terminate participation of a
subject or the project entirely without regard to the subject's consent. In the event of questions
or difficulties of any kind during or following participation, the subject may contact the
interviewer. The interviewer may be contacted at sdt2129@tc.columbia.edu.

Consent
I have been read the information and my questions and concerns, if any, have been responded
to satisfactorily by interviewer. I believe I understand the purpose, benefits, and risks, if any, of
the study and understand that my willingness to participate in this interview will serve as my
free consent to be a participant. I understand that all information provided will remain 100%
confidential.

Introduction
You are being invited to participate in this research study called “Learning to Survive, Surviving
to Learn: Exploring the experiences of gay men who have been raped in adulthood.” You have
identified yourself as a qualified participant to take part in this research study because you are
over 18 years old, identify as a gay man who has been raped in adulthood by a non-domestic
assailant, with minimum to no familiarity, in a space you anticipated as being safe. The incident
could not have happened while incarcerated. Approximately 15-22 people will participate in
this study. This interview will last up to 2 hours. However, at your discretion, you are able to
split this into two one-hour sessions. The total time allocated will not surpass 2 hours.
Audio recording is part of this study. If you do not want to be audio recorded you can still
participate in this study, and the interviewer will take notes.

179
 Remind participant that the space is theirs and they can end the interview at any time.
A. Participant Background
● What is your racial/ethnic identity?
● How old are you?
● How old were you when the incident took place (if possible, provide year)?
● Where did the incident take place?
● What was/is your education level at the time of incident? How has it changed?
● What was your religious/spiritual identity at the time of incident? How has it changed?
● How do you describe your relationship with your family? (i.e. parents/siblings)

B. Participant Experience – Check in with participant.

● Prior to your experience of being assaulted, what was your perception of the gay
community? (Probe)
● How did you describe yourself as a gay man prior to being assaulted? (Probe)
● What was the experience of the assault like for you? (Probe)
● How would you describe your emotions during the experience? (Probe)
● How would you describe the moment you realized that this experience was affecting
your life? (Probe)
● What metaphor, if any, would you use to describe the experience of being assaulted?
(Probe)

C. Participant Management of Experience – Check in with participant.

● What helped you manage the experience of being assaulted? (Probe)
● How did you feel supported? (Probe)
o What do you think was missing or could have helped you?
● When were you able to manage the experience best?(Probe)
o What factors supported this?
o What factors do you think impeded your management?

D.Participant Learning and Meaning Making – Check in with participant.

● How, if at all, has this experience prompted any learning and growth for you? (Probe)
● How would you describe the consequences of this experience? (Probe)
● What does this experience say to you? (Probe)
o How would you describe this significance to you?
● How do you now describe yourself as a gay man? (Probe)
● What would you tell someone going through this experience? (Probe)

E. Post Interview Comments and/or Observations

● Anything else you want to add to this interview?
●
*Remind participant that the interview is 100% confidential and thank them for their time.

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 Appendix E

Participant Resource

General Resources

NYPD Police-Sex Crimes Unit (212) 267-RAPE/7273

Special Victims Bureau, Manhattan Family Justice Center (212) 335-4300

NYC Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 621-HOPE/4673

NYC Gay & Lesbian Anti-Violence Project (212) 714-1141

Mt. Sinai/St. Luke’s Hospital Crime Victims Treatment Center (212) 523-4728

Safe Horizon Crime Victims Hotline (212) 577-7777

Safe Horizon Anti-Stalking Program (866) 689-HELP

Mental Health Resources

The Access Center at Mt. Sinai/Roosevelt Hospital (212) 523-6491

Metropolitan Center for Mental Health (212) 864-7000

Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services (212) 582-9100

Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy (212) 595-3444

If participant is not local to New York City area, they will be provided a list of comparable
resources within their vicinity.

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 Appendix F

Findings ORID Structure

Each Participant Story Outlined Using ORID Framework:

O
• What occurred?
• Where has it occurred?
• How has it occurred?
• Obtaining/Not obtaining support
• TL.1 - Nondetermining Start

R
• Feeling/Emotions
• TL.2 Experimental and Undirected Inquiry
• Secondary Victimization
• Internalized Homophobia
• Experiential Avoidance
• Bandura’s self-reflectiveness and self-reactiveness

I
• Secondary Victimization - Interpretation of interaction based on emerging
feelings/emotions
• Internalized Homophobia - recognizing feelings/emotions and/or actions are rooted in
IH
• TL.4 - Shifting Relevance - considering Nonl’s alignment with the disorienting dilemma
• TL.3 - Social Testing and Mirroring - Participant chooses to engage in this based on their
interpretation of objective and reflective data

D
• TL.5 - Social Consolidation - Paradigm/behavioral shit and implementation into life
• Bandura’s intentionality, forethought
• Post-traumatic growth (potentially falls within interpretive zone if participant in some
form describe that they have grown based on action

182
 Appendix G

Coding Scheme

Dedoose Codes Export for Project: Learning to Survive, Surviving to Learn

Abusive Relationship (ABR)

Acceptance of Help
Agency (HA) (Bandura, 2006)
HA.1 - Intentionality
Description - This is the development of strategies and action plans with the intent on
using them. This aligns with Nohl’s Phase of Experimental and Undirected Inquiry (TL. 2)
and Phase of Social Testing and Mirroring (TL. 3).
HA.2 - Forethought
Description - This is the establishment of motivators and goals. This is when one
develops a cognitive representation of their future. Aligns with Nohl’s Phase of
Experimental and Undirected Inquiry (TL. 2), Phase of Social Testing and Mirroring (TL.
3), and Phase of Shifting Relevance (TL. 4).
HA.3 - Self-Reactiveness
Description - Implementation of strategies and action plans. This demonstrates that the
learner has ownership of the situation and is progressing, rather than remaining
stagnant.
Aligns with Nohl’s Phase of Experimental and Undirected Inquiry (TL. 2) and Phase of
Social Testing and Mirroring (TL. 3).
HA.4 - Self-Reflectiveness
Description - Learner’s ability to recognize their personal efficacy and develop a sense of
self-awareness. Can be found throughout all of Nohl’s five phases for transformative
learning. (TL. 1, TL. 2, TL. 3, TL. 4, TL. 5)
Alcohol Saved My Life (ASML)
Bad Dreams (BDR)
BDSM Behavior
Behavior Change (BHC)
Body As A Weapon (BAAW)
Body Health Impact - Non-HIV - (BHI)
Body Image (BI)
BI.1 - Obsession with Body Image
BI.2 - Struggle with Body Image
BI.3 - Pressure Because of Body Image
BI.4 - Value was based on body image
Child Abuse (CA)
Coming Out Story (COS)
Death of Self (DOS)
Disconnected from Body (DFB)
Doctors Uninformed About Medication/Support
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Education (ED)
ED.1 - High School
ED.2 - Associates Degree
ED.3 - Bachelor’s Degree
ED.4 - Master’s Degree
ED.4.1 - Obtained Masters After Incident
ED.5 - Doctoral Degree
ED.5.1 - Obtained Doctorate after incident
Emotional Breakdown - Alcohol Induced (EBAI) Is Weighted: False Description
Emotional Breakdown (EB)
Experiential Avoidance (EPA)
Description - Experiential avoidance has been previously defined as the unwillingness to
remain in contact with aversive bodily sensations, emotions, thoughts, memories, and
behavioral predispositions and includes taking steps to alter the form or frequency of
those events and the contexts that occasion them (Hayes et al., 1996). We hypothesized
that all three variables would predict symptom severity among gay male survivors.
Gay men who are prone to experiential avoidance may suppress their same-sex
attractions, given that they are frowned upon by mainstream society (Davies, 2002).
Family Relationship After (FRARE)
FRARE.1- Close Relationship
FRARE.2- Surface Level
FRARE.3- Estranged
FRARE.4- Complicated
Family Relationship Prior (FRPRE)
FRPRE.1 - Close Relationship
FRPRE.2 - Surface Level
Description - Still in contact but interaction is minimal
FRPRE.3 - Estranged
FRPRE.4 - Complicated
Fear of Police (FRPD)
Fear of Secondary Victimization (FOSV)
Fear of Social Rejection
Description - Fear of being dismissed or seen as other or less than from peers
Fear of Appearing Weak
Feelings and Emotions (FEM)
FEM.1 - Shame
FEM.10 - Emptiness
FEM.11 - Brokenness
FEM.12 - Violated
FEM.13 - Panic
FEM.14 - Stressful
FEM.15 - Disoriented
FEM.16 - Shock
FEM.17 - Rationalizing
184
 FEM.2 - Anger
FEM.3 - Guilt
FEM.4 - Stupid
FEM.5 - Dirty
FEM.6 - Alone/Isolated
FEM.7 - Hostage
FEM.8 - Powerless
FEM.9 - Pride
First Sexual Assault (FSA)
Friend Pushing Guilt Trip (FPGT)
Friend Reinforces Assumptions (FRA)
Frustration With Gay Community (FWGC)
Frustration with Medical Professionals (FMD)
Frustration with Mental Health (FMH)
Frustration with Support Systems (FSS)
Grooming (GRM)
Held Hostage (HDH)
HIV (HIV)
HIV.1 - Fear of Contraction
HIV.1.1 - Obsession with potential contraction
HIV.2 - Testing
HIV.3 - Negative Results
HIV.4 - Positive Results
Homophobic Attack (HOMOA)
HOMA.1 - Verbal
Hospitalization (HOSP)
Hypermasculinity (HM)
Description - Hyperbolic representation of the heterosexual male stereotype, where the
man acts with dominance, hostility, and other negative behaviors. (Shafer et al., 2018)
Impact on Academic Life (IAL)
Impact on Long Term Goals (ILTG)
Insecurity (INS)
Internalized Homophobia (IH)
Description - “The IH-related sexual assault myths described previously may cause LGBT
sexual assault survivors to aversively associate their sexual assault histories with their
sexual orientations or same-sex attractions. As a result of these associations, survivors
with IH may attempt to avoid their unwanted same-sex thoughts, attractions, and
arousal in addition to their thoughts, feelings, and memories regarding their histories of
sexual trauma. In turn, such rigid and unworkable avoidance may promote the
development and maintenance of assault-related psychopathology". (Gold et al., 2007)
Lack of Agency (LHA)
Link to Coming Out of the Closet

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Mental Health (MH)
MH.1 - Depression
MH.2 - Anxiety
MH.3 - PTSD
Metaphor (META)
More Than One Experience (MXP)
Participant Became Sexually Manipulative (PBSM)
Participants Final Thoughts (PFT)
Perception of Gay Community (PGC)
PGC.1 - Judgmental
PGC.1.1 - Judgmental Based on Appearance
PGC.10 - Accepting
PGC.11 - Predatory
PGC.2 - Hypersexualized
PGC.3 - Dangerous
PGC.3.1 - Dangerous because of HIV
PGC.3.2 - Dangerous because of toxic masculinity/misogyny
PGC.4 - Exclusive
PGC.5 - A Mental Illness
PGC.6 - A Sin/Evil
PGC.7 - Positive
PGC.8 - Gossipy
PGC.9 - Fun/Exciting
Perpetrator Attempting to Establish Trust (PAET)
Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG)
Description - When one experiences positive benefits as a result of a substantial
negative life event (Hoggan, 2014).
Protecting Public Image (PPI)
Queer Mentorship
Queer Relationships without Sexual Expectations (QRSE)
Queer Theory - Identity (QTI) (Tierney, 1997)
QTI.1 – Passer
Description - Those who conceal their sexual identity while attempting to assimilate to
the world around them. Should not be considered to be in the closet, but rather they
focus on maintaining harmony by their concealment. (Tierney, 1997)
QTI.2 - Castro Clone
Description - These are members of the LGBTQ+ who are open about their sexuality, but
they choose to live and interact in spaces where there are a large population of fellow
queer people.
(Tierney, 1997)
QTI.3 - Queer Nationalist
Description - This group of queer persons are the advocates and activists of the
community. They seek socio-political reform by providing a more aggressive approach to
demonstrating their identity. (Tierney, 1997)
186
 QTI.4 - Cultural Citizen
Description - While this is also a socio-political identity of queer people, this is an
approach to intertwine with society by seeking balance with heterosexual counterparts
by rational discourse.
(Tierney, 1997)
Reflection (RFL)
RFL.1 – Association
Description - The learner aligns the experiences with past experiences.
RFL.2 – Integration
Description - Learner aligns the new experience with existing learning
RFL.3 – Validation
Description - The learner tests their new knowledge in some way.
RFL.4 - Appropriation
Description - Learner takes the new experience and learning and makes it their own.
Religious Beliefs/Influence
Religious Spiritual Identity (RSI)
RSI. 7 - Agnostic
RSI.7.1 - Change to Agnostic after incident
RSI.1 - Christian
RSI.1.1 - Catholic at time of incident
RSI.2 - Hindu
RSI.3 - Jewish
RSI.4 - Wiccan
RSI.5 - Spiritual
RSI.6 - Atheist
Risky Behavior - Sexual (RBS)
Secondary Victimization (SV)
Description - Secondary Victimization is when the victim feels as though they are being
victimized all over again by the professionals and/or systems (including friends and
family) who are supposed to offer support (Jackson et al., 2017).
SV.1 - Secondary Victimization by Medical Professionals
SV.2 - Secondary Victimization from Mental Health Professionals
SV.3 - Secondary Victimization from Family
SV.4 - Secondary Victimization from Friends
SV.5 - Secondary Victimization from Support Systems
Self-Blame (SB)
Description - Blaming themselves. (Davies, 2002)
Aligned with Hypermasculinty (HM. 1)
SB.1 - Blaming for decisions
SB.2 - Blaming because of appearance
Sex as a Form of Validation (SFV)
Sexual Assault (SXA)
Sexual Harassment (SXH)
Sexual Violence as a Disease
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Slut Shaming (SLTSM)
Strategies (STRAT)
STRAT.1 - Self-Educate/Research
STRAT.2 - Distraction (Keeping Mind Busy)
STRAT.3 - Regrounding Oneself
STRAT.4 - Body Mutilation
STRAT.5 - Seeking Support
STRAT.6 - Relocation
Substance Abuse (SA)
SA.1 - Alcoholism
Suicidal Thoughts (SCDT)
Support Systems (SS)
SS.1 - Seeking Support
SS.1.1 - Seeking Support from Friends
SS.1.2 - Seeking Support from Family
SS.1.3 - Seeking Support from Medical
SS.1.4 - Seeking Support from Mental Health
SS.2 - Obtaining Support
SS.2.1 - Obtaining Support from Friends
SS.2.2 - Obtaining Support from Family
SS.2.3 - Obtaining Support from Medical
SS.2.4 - Obtaining Support from Mental Health
SS.2.5 - Obtaining Support from Work Colleagues
SS.2.6 - Obtaining Support from Support Group(s)
SS.3 - Avoiding Support
SS.3.1 - Avoiding Support from Friends
SS.3.2 - Avoiding Support from Family
SS.3.3 - Avoiding Support from Medical
SS.3.4 - Avoiding Support from Mental Health
SS.3.5 - Avoiding Support from Work Colleagues
SS.3.6 - Avoid Support from Work Colleagues
SS.4 - Support Rejected
SS.4.1 - Rejected by Friends
SS.4.2 - Rejected by Family
SS.4.3 - Rejected by Medical
SS.4.4 - Rejected by Mental Health
SS.4.5 - Support Friends Rejected
SS.4.5.1 - Reason for rejecting friend support
SS.4.6 - Support Groups Rejected
SS.5 - Lack of Support Is Weighted: False Description
Suppression of Gender Identity - Authentic Self
Touch as Validation (TAV)

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Transformative Learning (TL)
TL.1 - Nondetermining Start
Description - It is not aligned with Mezirow’s Disorienting Dilemma, but rather an event
that acts as a catalyst pushing the learning into a reflective state. In this particular case,
the violent act of rape would act as the catalyst (Nohl, 2015).
TL.2 - Experimental and Undirected Inquiry
Description - Learner would reflect and question to the Nondetermining Start and its
relevance to their daily lives. It is within this phase that the learner may seek to develop
new skills and/or strategies to manage the experience (Nohl, 2015).
TL.3 - Social Testing and Mirroring
Description - Learner seeks to test out their new skills within various groups. This is also
where the learner may share their new perspective with others. Here is where the
learner will find purposeful relationships to manage the experience (Nohl, 2015).
TL.4 - Shifting of Relevance
Description - Aligns with what Mezirow’s description of a Disorienting Dilemma. Learner
begins to really challenge their current thinking of their values, beliefs, assumptions and
perspectives of the outside world. In the context of rape, the learner could potentially
see how social constructs can enable or hinder their own growth (Nohl, 2015).
TL.5 - Social Consolidation and the Reinterpreation of Biography
Description - Learner transforms by having a paradigm shift in their thinking and/or
behavior. They have established self-confidence, and therefore reintegrating
themselves in society (Nohl, 2015).

189
 Appendix H

Recruitment Flyer

190