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Management Accounting, 9th Edition -
eBook PDF
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PREFACE
Management accounting is a dynamic, constantly changing area. It must remain relevant to organisational needs in today’s
business world of global markets, irrepressible innovation and digital disruption. To understand the nature of management
accounting practice, it is important to understand broader aspects of business practice across a range of areas, including
strategy, marketing, human resource management, operations management and organisational behaviour. Management
accounting both draws on and contributes to these areas.
Our approach in presenting this subject to students and managers is to focus on cutting-edge management accounting
as practised by leading organisations in Australia and overseas, while at the same time acknowledging that some firms are
satisfied with more traditional approaches. A key way in which we do this is through the inclusion of ‘Real life’ examples,
where we provide practical illustrations of how organisations employ the techniques described in the text. Many of the
‘Real life’ sections are new or have been updated. They reflect the latest in business practice and include a number of direct
examples from client work conducted by leading business advisory firm KordaMentha. We have also substantially revised
the end-of-chapter questions, exercises, problems and cases, revising up to half the questions in each chapter.
Since the first edition of this book appeared in the early 1990s, there have been dramatic changes in thinking about
the role of management accounting in organisations. Once it was sufficient to describe management accounting as being
concerned with providing information for planning and control, and for decision making. However, the role of management
accounting is now more complex. It is now concerned with the processes and technologies that enable the effective use of
organisational resources to support managers in enhancing customer and shareholder value. Supply chain management
approaches provide a framework for integrating contemporary cost management and performance measurement. The issue
of sustainability is now increasingly important as businesses seek to understand and manage any adverse impact they have
on the environment and society. Improvements in technology, and the development of data analytic and data visualisation
tools also have potentially significant implications for the nature of the role of the management accountant. Our ninth
edition includes substantial coverage of these issues in Chapter 3.
The processes and technologies of management accounting that enhance shareholder and customer value are evolving
over time and require an intimate knowledge of the nature of the business, its markets, its strategy and its people. Someone
working in the management accounting area in the 2020s needs to not only understand the internal characteristics of a
business, but also have a detailed knowledge of competitors, customers and suppliers. Over the decades the practice of
management accounting has developed to become more integrated with the process of management, and less a part of the
practice of accounting, with management accountants playing a significant role as part of the management team. As such,
management accountants have the ability to significantly shape an organisation’s strategic direction.
The book has been written primarily as a text for one- or two-semester undergraduate management accounting courses.
The references at the end of each chapter provide guidance on additional readings. With its description of current practice
and strong emphasis on the new developments in management and management accounting, this book also provides a sound
foundation for a management accounting unit within an MBA course.
While the origins of this text can be traced to the US text, Managerial Accounting, by Ronald Hilton, it has always differed
from its US counterpart. The Australian book takes a broad perspective in viewing management accounting as the efficient
and effective use of resources, supporting managers in the improvement of customer and shareholder value. The rapidly
changing business environment is seen as having implications for the development of new approaches to management
accounting, as highlighted through the many ‘Real life’ cases presented in the book, which focus on current management
accounting practices and issues faced by organisations in Australia, New Zealand and the wider Asia–Pacific region.
We sincerely welcome any comments or suggestions from the lecturers and students who use this text.

Kim Langfield-Smith
David Smith
Paul Andon
Helen Thorne

xiii
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Kim Langfield-Smith
Kim has a BEc from the University of Sydney, an MEc from Macquarie University and a PhD from
Monash University. She is a fellow of CPA Australia and a graduate of the Australian Institute of
Company Directors. She is an emeritus professor at Monash University. Kim is also the principal
of Langfield-Smith Consulting, advising universities and government on research strategy and
performance, governance and compliance. During her academic career she was Vice Provost at
Monash University and Professor of Management Accounting. Prior appointments were at La Trobe
University, the Universities of Melbourne and Tasmania, and the University of Technology, Sydney.
Her research interests are in the area of management control systems, and she has published
in journals including Accounting, Organizations and Society; Journal of Management Accounting
Research; Management Accounting Research; Behavioral Research in Accounting; Journal of Accounting
Literature; and Journal of Management Studies.
Kim has played an active role in the accounting profession. She was chair of the Professional Qualifications Advisory
Committee of CPA Australia, and a member of the International Accounting Education Standards Board (IAESB),
representing the CA ANZ and CPA Australia. In 2014 she received a Lifetime Achievement Award from CPA Australia.

David Smith
David has a BCom (Honours) from La Trobe University and a PhD from Monash University. He is
currently the Dean of the School of Accounting, Information Systems and Supply Chain at RMIT
University. He previously held professorial appointments at Monash University and the University
of Queensland.
David’s research is in the area of management control systems, with a particular focus on
performance measurement, and his research has been published in journals including Accounting,
Organizations and Society; Management Accounting Research; Behavioral Research in Accounting;
Journal of Accounting Literature; and Accounting, Auditing and Accountability Journal. He currently
serves as an editor at Behavioral Research in Accounting and Accounting and Finance, as well as
serving on several editorial boards.
David has been actively involved in the accounting profession and served as a board member of the Accounting and
Finance Association of Australia and New Zealand (AFAANZ) for a number of years. David is also a past Chair of the
Chartered Institute of Management Accountants’ (CIMA) Centre of Excellence Australasia Research Panel.

Paul Andon
Paul has a BCom (Honours), MCom (Honours) and PhD from UNSW Sydney. He is a Professor in
Accounting and Head of the School of Accounting, Auditing and Taxation at UNSW Sydney. Paul is
also a Fellow of Chartered Accountants Australia and New Zealand. Paul teaches and researches in
the areas of management accounting, fraud and control systems. His research in these areas has been
published in leading international journals, including Accounting, Organizations and Society; Journal
of Management Studies; Management Accounting Research; Accounting, Auditing and Accountability
Journal; Critical Perspectives on Accounting; and Journal of Business Ethics. Recently, Paul received a
major Australian Government research grant to study offender strategies and other factors mitigating
against the effectiveness of management controls to prevent/detect serious workplace fraud.
Before commencing his academic career, Paul worked in a large professional services firm. He
remains active in the accounting profession through his involvement with McGrathNicol’s Financial Crime Exchange. Paul
was also previously involved in Chartered Accountants Australia and New Zealand’s CA Program.
 ABOUT THE AUTHORS xv

Helen Thorne
Helen has a BEc and DipAcc from Flinders University, and a PhD from the University of Adelaide.
She was Professor and Head of the International Graduate School of Business at the University of
South Australia. Helen has also held appointments in the Graduate School of Management and the
Commerce Department at the University of Adelaide.
Her research focused on contemporary approaches to management accounting, including
activity-based costing and strategic performance measurement systems, and she has published in a
number of journals including Journal of Accounting Literature; Journal of Cost Management; Advances
in Management Accounting; and Australian Accounting Review.
Before commencing her academic career, Helen worked as a management accountant with a
major international company. Since then she has maintained her interests in the ‘real world’. She is a
past member of CPA Australia and has undertaken consulting work in management accounting for a number of organisations
in the manufacturing and service industries.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
We would like to thank a number of people who have helped us with the development of this textbook, including the
hundreds of management accounting students we have taught over many years and the numerous managers and management
accountants with whom we have interacted. Their enthusiasm, comments, questions and experience have assisted our
understanding and appreciation of management accounting. We also thank our academic colleagues from around Australia
and New Zealand who have provided feedback or reviewed parts of the manuscript. They include the following:

Zahir Ahmed, Auckland University of Technology

Ranjith Appuhami, Macquarie University
Mamun Billah, Western Sydney University
Amanda Carter, University of South Australia
Thusitha Dissanayake, Deakin University
Simon Fung, Deakin University
Peter Graham, University of Canberra
Kate Hogarth, Queensland University of Technology
Amrinder Khosa, Monash University
Kathy Michael, Victoria University
Carly Moulang, Monash University
Matthew Peters, University of Queensland
Sophia Su, Macquarie University
Greg White, Curtin University

The authors and publisher would also like to thank the team at leading business advisory firm KordaMentha for supplying
several Real Life cases for this edition.

KordaMentha
KordaMentha is an independent and trusted firm providing specialist corporate, forensic,
real estate and restructuring services. We help clients grow and maximise value, protect
from financial loss and reputational damage and help recover value at the most critical times. With diverse experience—in
finance and real estate to law enforcement and the c-suite—and a team of specialists extending across Asia-Pacific, we apply a
different mindset to our work. Our collaborative approach leverages experience across all levels from graduates to experts as
we work together to solve the challenges facing corporations, financiers, lawyers, private investors and government clients.
On every occasion, we provide bold and impactful solutions delivering growth, certainty and value for all involved.
 CHAPTER 1 Management accounting: information for creating value and managing resources 11

Management accountants within organisations

To appreciate the management accountant’s role in an organisation, we need to understand how organisations
are structured and where the accounting staff may be located. However, the structures of organisations vary
considerably and frequently change. Many large Australian businesses are structured with a corporate head LO 1.4
office and a series of operating divisions. These divisions may relate to different geographical locations
of the company—for example, the South Australian State Emergency Service has 10 regional divisions.
Alternatively, they may focus on different product markets—Wesfarmers’ divisions include Chemicals, Energy
and Fertilisers, and Industrial and Safety. Organisational structures often focus on significant functions,
especially at the corporate level. For example, the organisational structure of the Commonwealth Bank
includes Business and Private Banking, Institutional Banking and Markets, and Retail Banking Services
units. The units within divisions may also be structured in many ways.

The accounting function

Most large Australian organisations have a ‘finance function’, which is the group of staff who undertake
a variety of accounting activities. Within the finance function, the senior accountant may have one of a
number of different titles, including chief financial officer (CFO), financial controller, finance manager,
financial analyst, business analyst, general manager of accounting and group accountant. (Indeed, the Real
Life titled ‘The accountant in the modern business environment’ in the section ‘Management accounting
processes and techniques’ indicates more creative titles, such as strategic resource manager and e-commerce
strategist!) The CFO is usually responsible for both management accounting and financial accounting
activities. As the organisation’s most senior management accountant, the CFO acts as an advisor to
managers. Moreover, most CFOs influence resource management decisions across all management levels
and functional areas of the organisation. CFOs are usually important members of the senior management
team. In recent years, former accountants have served as chief executives in companies such as BTR Nylex,
Coca-Cola Amatil and Foster’s.
In some businesses, accounting staff may be found in each operating division, as well as at the corporate
level. Accounting staff may be located close to the operations of the business. For example, some accountants
may be located within the factory. This allows them to work more closely with operations managers and
other employees.
In some organisations, accountants are clearly designated as either management accountants or financial
accountants. In other businesses the distinction may be blurred, with many accountants being responsible for
both functions. However, it should also be noted that the various processes and techniques that we describe
as management accounting may be undertaken by managers in other areas of a business. For example, the
design and operation of performance measurement systems, an important aspect of management accounting,
may involve managers in the human resource management area. A new costing system may be designed
and initiated by production engineers. Clearly, management accountants have an important role to play in
coordinating many aspects of the management accounting system, and as a part of the management team.
However, we should not necessarily assume that they are the sole custodians of management accounting
systems or information across every organisation! In the appendix to this chapter you can read about the
changes that have taken place in the positioning of management accounting in organisations over the past
few decades.
The Real Life titled ‘The accountant in the modern business environment’ in the section ‘Management
accounting processes and techniques’ outlines some of the changing skills and roles of accountants in
organisations.

Management accounting processes and techniques

So far in this chapter we have explained that management accounting is focused on the effective and efficient
management of resources to support managers in their quest for improved customer value and shareholder
value. But what are the processes and techniques that management accounting uses to achieve this? LO 1.5
 CHAPTER 1 Management accounting: information for creating value and managing resources 19

Some important considerations in the design of

management accounting systems
Several important considerations influence the choice and design of management accounting systems.
We will introduce these issues briefly here, and they will be considered further in later chapters. LO 1.9

Behavioural issues
When designing and implementing management accounting systems, we need to be conscious of the ways
in which information impacts on individual behaviour; that is, the behaviour of managers and other people
within (and sometimes external to) an organisation. There may be expected and unexpected outcomes of
management accounting systems. The reactions of both individuals and groups of individuals to management
accounting information will significantly affect the activities and decisions within an organisation. For
example, the accounting staff need to consider how employees might behave if they are held accountable
for a very tight cost budget. Will they reduce customer satisfaction by seeking to reduce costs in ways that
compromise quality? For example, will a tight cost budget encourage a restaurant manager to use low
quality, cheap ingredients in meals, which may reduce customer satisfaction? How much detail should be
included in the reports to managers, and how often should they receive this information? If too much detail
is provided, will they be overloaded with information and distracted from the main points? Understanding
the behavioural implications of management accounting information is a real challenge for management
accountants, given the potential impact on both managers and lower-level employees.

Motivating managers and other employees

We have seen that organisations have objectives or goals. However, organisations are made up of people
who have goals of their own. The goals of individuals are diverse, and they do not always match those of
the organisation. A key purpose of the management accounting system is to motivate managers and other
employees to direct their efforts towards achieving the organisation’s goals. One way of achieving this is
through the design of tools such as budgeting and performance measurement. In management accounting,
performance measurement systems are a key source of information for motivation. One means of motivating
people to commit to the organisation’s goals is to measure their performance in achieving performance
targets. Such performance can be used as the basis for providing rewards. Rewards may include positive
feedback (such as words of congratulation from the manager), promotions, bonuses and pay rises. For
example, many large companies base the salaries of senior executives, in part, on achieving profit targets. In
this way managers are encouraged to take actions that maximise the company’s objectives. Also, businesses
may provide company shares to employees as a reward for good performance. Many Australian companies
have such employee share schemes in place. One reason for these schemes is to encourage all employees to
identify more closely with their company and its goals.

Costs and benefits of information

Information is a commodity, much like wheat or wool. Like other commodities, information can be produced,
purchased and consumed. It can be of high or low quality, timely or late, appropriate for its intended use or
totally irrelevant. The generation and provision of information entails both costs and benefits. The costs of
providing management accounting information to managers include the salary cost of accounting personnel,
the cost of purchasing and operating computers, the cost of gathering, processing and storing information,
and the cost of the time spent by managers to read, understand and use the information.
The benefits include improved decisions, more effective planning, greater efficiency of operations at
lower costs, better control, and improved customer and shareholder value.
Thus, there are both costs and benefits that need to be assessed when considering whether to provide
particular information. However, some accountants, eager to show that they have not overlooked anything,
provide too much information. When managers receive more information than they can use effectively,
information overload occurs. Struggling to process large amounts of information, managers may be unable
 CHAPTER 1 Management accounting: information for creating value and managing resources 21

EXHIBIT 1.5 Key influences on management accounting systems

Management accounting
Changes in the business Organisational responses: responses (chapter in which
environment structures, systems and practices discussed)

■ Increased global ■ Flatter organisational structures ■ Activity-based cost systems

competitiveness
■ Rapid advances in technology
■ Increasing pressures for
accountability, including a focus
on ethical/governance issues
■ Increasing awareness of
sustainability issues, especially
climate change
■ Increased reliance on strategic
alliances
■ Rising global mobility of labour
■ Growth of the service sector
■ Availability of big data
■ Team-based structures
■ Employee empowerment
■ E-commerce technologies
■ Virtual/on-line and other new
business models
■ Computerised production
systems
■ ERP (enterprise resource
planning) systems
■ Real-time reporting systems
■ Supply chain management
■ Increased focus on key sources
of customer value, such as
quality, delivery and innovation
■ Increased focus on continuous
improvement
■ Ethical/governance frameworks
■ Environmental management
systems and sustainability
frameworks
(Chapters 7 and 8, and revisited
in Chapters 11, 15, 16, 18
and 19)
■ Activity-based budgeting
systems (Chapter 11)
■ Measures of shareholder value
(Chapter 13)
■ Strategic performance
measurement systems, such
as balanced scorecards, and
benchmarking (Chapter 14)
■ Supply chain management,
supplier analysis and
customer profitability analysis
(Chapter 15)
■ Inventory management (just-in-
time) (Chapter 15)
■ Time management (Chapter 15)
■ Cost management systems:
activity-based management,
business process re-engineering,
life cycle management, target
costing and throughput
accounting (Chapter 16)
■ Measuring and managing
quality, and quality costing
(Chapter 16)
■ Professional codes of ethics
(Chapter 1)
■ Information to support
sustainability reporting and
management, sustainable
balanced scorecards and
environmental management
accounting (Chapter 17)

measure of shareholder value. Modern approaches to measuring performance are explored in Chapter 14.
Chapter 15 describes modern approaches to managing suppliers and customers, based on principles of
supply chain management and modern approaches to managing inventory and time. Chapter 16 presents
methods of managing costs and quality—these include activity-based management, business process re-
engineering, target costing and quality costing—and in Chapter 17 we explore recent developments in
management accounting related to sustainability and climate change. Of course, even in chapters that focus
primarily on more traditional management accounting techniques, modern adaptations and developments
are also described.
We are now well into the twenty-first century. However, introducing change in organisations can be a difficult
and slow process. Some Australian organisations are yet to implement many of the organisational changes
and modern management accounting techniques, and many others are in the midst of implementing change.
Another random document with
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voyage is over, they separate, with no expectation of ever meeting
again, unless some chance should make them fellow-travelers
another time.
All the children on board are sure to make friends with each other;
and they have plenty of room to play on the long decks, and in the
saloons, without interfering with the comfort of older persons.
 THE SALOON OF THE GREAT EASTERN.
It would be a delightful thing to take a voyage on such a
magnificent steamer as this. Apart from the pleasure that the ship
itself, with all its great machinery and its splendid appointments
would afford, there would be the satisfaction of knowing that there is
some chance of escaping sea-sickness when on board of the Great
Eastern.
 And any one who ever has been sea-sick would be very apt to
appreciate the advantages of a vessel that does not pitch and toss
on every ordinary wave.
 KANGAROOS.

In the continent of Australia where there are so many queer plants

and animals, lives the numerous, and droll-looking family of the
kangaroos.
There are several varieties of this family, but all have the same
general characteristics; a very large tail, very long hind legs, and
very short fore legs.
Kangaroos can out-jump the very best jumpers you ever saw, or
heard of. They use their long hind legs something in the grasshopper
style; and their tails are not only big, but strong, and are of great
assistance to them in their leaps.
Their flesh is good to eat, and so they are hunted a great deal.
Instead of running from their pursuers like the swift-footed hares and
antelopes, they jump away from them, and in this manner they get
over a great extent of country in a very short time. Running would be
impossible to creatures with such ridiculously short front legs; but
leaping answers the same purpose; and, as this is their natural mode
of progression, they do not get tired any sooner than other animals
do by running.
The kangaroos are by no means ugly animals; and, though they
look awkward when standing on all fours (which they seldom do)
they are very graceful while making their leaps.
One of the prettiest species of the kangaroo family is called the
antelope kangaroo. Its head and ears are similar to those of the
antelope in appearance.
 THE ANTELOPE KANGAROO.
Kangaroos are common enough in menageries, and the next time
you visit such a place look for one. It seems a pity to shut them up in
cages, where they have no room to take even the smallest jump.
But, then, if they were not caged there is no knowing where they
would jump to. Some of the old kangaroos are rough customers
when brought to bay. A big fellow will sometimes seize a dog in his
short fore legs and with one of his great hind feet give him a scrape
that will make him wish he had never seen a kangaroo.
Just as you have seen a quiet peaceable boy when he had been
worried and annoyed by a teasing and quarrelsome fellow, suddenly
blaze up and astonish the young rascal by giving him a good
thrashing.
 THE STORY OF POLARGNO.

Polargno was an Esquimaux boy. At the time the things happened

to him that I am going to relate to you he was sixteen years old, and
as merry a fellow as you could find anywhere. Here is his portrait.
Perhaps you think him ugly, but our
ideas of beauty depend a good deal
upon what we are accustomed to see
around us. You like a white skin,
regular features, and fine, soft, wavy
hair. But the negroes of Central Africa
do not admire this style in the least.
They prefer thick lips, flat noses,
shining black skins, and hair as tightly
twisted and as wiry as possible. And
Polargno’s friends looked upon him as
a boy of a remarkably fine
appearance, for they considered it very
proper that he should have a stubby
nose, thick lips, small eyes, and lank,
coarse hair. His parents thought him
handsome, but his mother was grieved
because he was not quite as fat as
other Esquimaux boys of his age. To
be very beautiful in the eyes of an
Esquimaux one must be very fat.
Polargno’s father was not much taller POLARGNO.
than his son, but he was very much
broader. He consoled his wife,
however, by assuring her that he was no larger than Polargno at the
same age.
In this picture, Polargno is dressed in the suit he wears out of
doors in the winter. It is a complete suit of seal-skin, with the fur
outside. This is put on over the in-door suit, boots and all. This in-
door suit is also of seal-skin, but it is made up with the fur turned
inside. To make the costume complete, he should have on his head
a fur hood. People have to dress warmly in the Esquimaux country
where the ground is covered with snow three-fourths of the year.
Polargno’s father owned a winter and a summer residence; which
sounds very grandly, to be sure, but he was no richer than the rest of
the tribe. There was much similarity among the families of the
settlement in regard to wealth. One family might possess a few more
skins than the others, or softer beds, or an extra lamp; but, on the
whole, one man was about as well off as his neighbors, and they
visited each other in the most sociable manner, knowing nothing of
rank and riches.
The winter residence of Loonerkoo, the father of Polargno, was
constructed in the following manner: Blocks of snow two feet long,
and six inches wide and several inches thick, were cut out from the
great snow heaps that abounded everywhere. These were carefully
pared with a large knife and made even and smooth. They were then
built into a dome. A good many layers of blocks were used to make
the walls very thick and solid. There were two windows in this dome,
and what do you think they were made of? Each one was a single,
inch thick square of transparent, fresh water ice. There was not the
least danger of its melting from the heat of the house, the outside
cold being too intense for that to happen.
There was no door to this house, but there was quite a large
doorway. A hole was left in the wall. It was not more than three feet
high, and everybody, except very little children crawled into it on their
hands and knees. The passage way was no higher, and was about
sixteen feet long, so that this crawling back and forth was somewhat
wearing on the clothes, although the floor was of ice and snow
instead of the rough ground. This entrance was made low and
narrow, so as to shut out as much cold air as possible.
The next thing was to make a chimney. This was easy enough.
They simply cut a hole in the roof of the dome of snow. This
contrivance did not always work well, as the wind sometimes blew
the smoke back into the room as fast as it came out of it, but the
Esquimaux are used to smoke in their houses; and, supposing it to
be one of the necessary evils of life, are quite content to have it
when it cannot be helped.
Inside of this dome there was one large, circular room. In most
Esquimaux houses this was reception-room, dining-room, bed-room,
and kitchen, all in one. But a few very elegant dwellings, and, among
them Loonerkoo’s, had curtains of skins hung up so as to make a
couple of bed-rooms.
It may make you shiver when I tell you how they made their
bedsteads. These were blocks of snow, making a platform a couple
of feet high, and five and six feet long. On them whalebones and
seal skins were laid for mattresses. The coverlets consisted of nice,
warm furs.
Exactly in the middle of the large room a circular platform was
made with blocks of snow. On this stood the lamp for cooking
purposes, and over it was a wooden scaffolding on which the
cooking utensils were hung.
The lamp was nothing but a dish, filled with whale oil and blubber,
with a long wick of dry moss.
Around the walls the weapons and clothes of the family were
hung.
This was all the furniture the house contained, and it was quite
enough for these simple people. Warm clothing, plenty to eat, and
comfortable places to sleep were all they required.
It is difficult for us to believe that these snow houses are
comfortable, but they are very warm indeed; or, rather, I should say
they are the warmest houses that could be made for the very severe
climate of Greenland. The Esquimaux is hardened to the cold, and
can bear it much better than we can. He wraps himself up in his furs,
and lays down on his icy couch, and sleeps as peacefully and
comfortably as we do on our soft mattresses.
It only required a few hours to build the winter house of
Loonerkoo, and to put it into perfect order.
 A still shorter time sufficed for constructing his summer residence,
which was nothing more than a large tent, made of dressed skins.
The Arctic summer is short. It really lasts only about six weeks.
For, after the worst of the wintry weather is over, it takes the sun a
good while to melt the heavy masses of snow and ice, and to send
them floating down the rivers and bays, and out into the ocean,
where they finally disappear. This season is scarcely warm enough
to call Spring; it is, more properly, the breaking up of Winter. It is a
time when icebergs abound, and boating is a very dangerous
amusement.
But, after the ground is freed from its icy envelope, everything
starts into life, and grows with the most astonishing rapidity. A plant
will spring up, grow two or three feet high perhaps, bud, blossom,
and bear fruit in the time our plants of the temperate zone will be
producing a foot or so of stalk and leaves. In a few days after the fir
trees have dropped the last of their snow-wreaths their branches will
be covered with delicate spears of fresh green. A field that a week or
two before was white with snow will be carpeted with flowers. The
reason of this growth, which seems magical, is that in the Arctic
zone, after the sun once gets well up above the horizon, it stays up
—it does not set again for a long time, but shines steadily on, day
and night.
 ICEBERGS AND GLACIERS.
I use the words day and night in the sense we generally use them
to mark the division of time into twenty-four hours. In our latitude this
division of time also marks the periods of light and darkness, but it is
not so in the Arctic countries. There, you know, the day is six months
long, and the night six months. But the Esquimaux have their regular
times for sleeping, for, of course, they can’t stay awake six months,
or sleep six months; but they naturally spend more time in sleep in
their dreary winter than during their beautiful summer.
It was on Polargno’s sixteenth birth-day that he had his adventure
with the fox. It was mid-winter, and consequently midnight—that is
the middle of the six months’ night—the seventh of January, I think,
that his birth-day came around.
I don’t know that the Esquimaux are in the habit of remembering,
or celebrating birth-days, but it was easy for Polargno’s parents to
remember his birth-day, because he was the only child they had. His
father, that morning, gave him a bright, new hatchet, that he had
bought from the fur traders, and Polargno was so delighted with it
that he started off as soon as he had his breakfast to use it in making
a new trap, and to mend his old ones which were getting to be rather
shaky.
The only persons he found astir in the village were two boys about
his own age, and the three proceeded together to inspect their traps.
They took no dogs with them, as they were of no use on such an
expedition, and were apt to be troublesome.
At this season, trap-making and trap-baiting were about the only
amusements that the boys had, for the cold was too severe for
hunting. The men of the settlement had their traps too. These traps
were made of different sizes and forms, and baited with several sorts
of food, to attract all hungry animals, large and small, that might be
prowling around. The Esquimaux had many ingenious ways of
concealing the traps from the cautious creatures, and thus leading
them suddenly to destruction. The fur of all the animals they
captured in this way was valuable, and was bought up readily by the
fur traders once a year. But some kinds these traders were very
anxious to get, and paid for them what to the simple Esquimaux
were enormous prices, though, in reality, they were almost nothing
compared to the prices these traders got from the fur dealers.
Among the most valuable of these animals is the silver fox.
The boys first visited their traps near the village, but there was
nothing in them; and they went on to the more distant ones, which
were more likely to have tenants. They were in high spirits and
walked briskly along the shore. It was quite light, although they had
not had a glimpse of the sun for weeks, for the moon and stars
shone brightly, and the reflection from the snow was brilliant.
Suddenly a red light flashed up from the horizon, and ran across
the sky, quickly followed by other flashes of various colors. This
circumstance did not alarm the boys, for it had happened often
enough before, and they knew it to be the commencement of what
we call an Aurora Borealis, or Northern Lights. We see them
sometimes in this part of the world, but ours are very feeble
compared to those in the Arctic zone. This proved to be such a
magnificent display that even these Esquimaux boys were touched
with the sense of its beauty, and paused for awhile, and gazed
upward with delight. White, red, yellow, green and blue lines crossed
each other all over the sky in bewildering confusion. These would
suddenly vanish, and great spears of flaming red would stand
marshalled in rows. Then yellow and green banners waved across
them, and extinguished them, and the whole air seemed filled with
undulating waves of color. Finally, these took form, and hung, high
up in the vault of heaven, a gorgeous canopy that seemed to be
formed of crystal pendants, and jewelled columns, glittering with
every conceivable shade and color. Every peak and crag was
touched with light. Even the little stones on the beach gleamed like
gems.

AN AURORA BOREALIS.
The boys could not have described the scene to give you any idea
of it, as I have tried to do, but they enjoyed it. It never occurred to
them to ask what it was, or where it came from. They accepted it as
they did their six months’ day and night, and great snows, and
volcanoes, and all the other forms of Nature. If they thought about it
at all, they probably supposed that all the world was just like
Greenland.
After a little while they grew tired of the Aurora, and turned their
attention once more to the traps. Polargno’s were on a point of land,
shielded somewhat by a large rock. He had no less than four, and he
usually found them all empty. As the boys silently approached this
rock they caught sight of an animal, which was circling about the
outside of one of the traps. All saw it at the same instant, and all
knew it to be one of the most valuable of their Arctic animals. Their
seal-skin boots had made no noise on the smooth ice, and the
animal was not aware of their approach. They were not on his
windward side, and therefore he was not likely to detect them by
scent. The boys stood still behind the rock, and cautiously peered
around it, watching every movement of the creature. They were
afraid to draw a long breath lest he should hear them.
Polargno’s eyes gleamed with satisfaction. Here was a prize
indeed! This was a fine Arctic fox, and he had never caught so
valuable an animal! It was seldom that anybody did, for the Arctic fox
is quite as wise and cautious as his brethren of warmer climes. He
imagined himself returning to the village with this trophy, and thought
with pride of the excitement he would cause, and how the people
would gather around him, and congratulate him, and how the fur
traders would praise him. And then he began to think what fine
things he would get from them in exchange for the skin.
But still he was anxious; for, all this time, the animal was on the
wrong side of the trap. If he did not go inside of it, farewell to
Polargno’s visions, for the boys had no guns, and they would not
have done much with them, if they had had them, for they were not
skilful in the use of firearms. The animal was evidently suspicious of
the fir boughs thrown so carelessly down, and lightly covered with
snow; but he was also very hungry, and eager for the food under this
arrangement. His hunger proved too great for his prudence, and,
after investigating the trap on all sides, and thinking over the matter
for a time that seemed very long to the watching boys, he cautiously
placed one foot over the spot where the bait lay. This was enough.
Click went a wooden spring, concealed among the branches, and
down went the fox through a wooden trap underneath, that snapped
together again, and shut him in.
“Hi,” cried Polargno, as he rushed out from behind the rock,
followed by both boys. But he was in too great a hurry. He stumbled
over a stone. His feet went up into the air, and his back and head
went crashing down into the trap, sending fir boughs and splints of
wood flying in all directions.
The fox snapped at him, but, fortunately missed his face; and
having snipped a little piece out of the boy’s ear, evidently came to
the conclusion that running away was better than revenge. He
therefore ran over Polargno’s prostrate body, and up his elevated
legs, and, making a tremendous spring from the quivering feet, he
darted away at his utmost speed.
The boys left Polargno to get out of his trap as best he could, and
immediately gave chase to the fox. But they knew it was useless.
They might as well try to catch the wind. If they had brought the dogs
the fox would probably have had the worst of it. But, as it was, he
escaped—hungry, but safe.
This was Polargno’s adventure with the fox.
The next summer, Polargno had a very surprising adventure with a
seal. He was in a cave alone on the bay. He had paddled out a short
distance from the shore because he had nothing else to do just then.
He paddled up and down until he got tired, and then he rested on his
oars, and looked about him. The scene was very different from what
it had been when he and the fox had caught each other. Now the bay
was entirely free from ice, and the waves leaped and danced as if
rejoicing to be free once more. There was not a cloud in the sky,
where the sun shone brightly far above the horizon in the same
place, apparently, that it had been for several days and nights.
Flowers bloomed in the grassy fields, birds perched upon the rocks,
and the noise of insects could be faintly heard.
 SUMMER-TIME.
But a Greenlander is never free from the sight of snow; and, even
now, in mid-summer, every high mountain peak had its white cap;
and on the tallest mountains the snow extended far down the sides.
Polargno took pleasure in the summer warmth and life, but I do not
suppose he thought much about the objects he saw around him. His
mind was busy with the prospect of the good time he would have
when two whaling ships that were cruising some miles below in the
bay, should come up as high as their settlement. There was a report,
too, that a large school of whales was making its way northward.
Thinking of these things while he idly looked about him, he
suddenly felt that he was being lifted into the air. Before he could
recover from his surprise at this rapid elevation he found that his
canoe was being borne swiftly over the surface of the water.
Instinctively he tightened his hold upon the paddle that he might not
lose it, and this action caused one end of it to strike an animal under
the boat, which immediately flapped itself free, and rolled off to a
little distance, where it remained, as motionless as a log, evidently
waiting to see what would happen next.
The thing that came near happening was the upsetting of
Polargno’s canoe, for the blow it received from the flap of the
creature’s tail sent it spinning around like a top. Polargno would not
have been much alarmed if it had upset, for he could swim like a
fish; but still he was very glad it remained right side up.
As soon as he could gather together his scattered wits he found
that the animal which had given him this unceremonious ride was not
a sea-lion, as he had at first supposed, but a large specimen of the
common seal. Its bouncing up under his boat was an
unpremeditated act on the part of the seal, who was quite as much
alarmed as the boy, and quite as glad to get away.
But should he get away? This question came into Polargno’s mind.
The Esquimaux boats at this season were kept prepared for whaling
expeditions, and in the bow of this one there laid a harpoon with a
nice long coil of rope. The boy glanced from this to the shining back
of the seal that lay so temptingly just above the surface of the water.
He knew all about seals. He had helped kill many a one. That was
very different from fighting one entirely alone, but then the glory
would be so much greater if he conquered.
A seal is a timid animal, but when brought to bay it can fight boldly
and fiercely enough, and Polargno knew well that there was a
chance of his coming to grief if he once began the combat. But then
again the glory was so much the greater if he conquered.
He wished to wipe out the memory of his ridiculous adventure with
the Arctic fox, which had brought upon him the laughter of the whole
village, and was a joke against him to that very day.
These thoughts passed swiftly through his mind, and he made his
determination. He cautiously paddled towards the seal, but this act
alarmed the creature, and it sank into the water out of sight.
Polargno knew it would come up again to breathe, and he uncoiled
the harpoon line, and held the weapon all prepared to throw.
Meantime the canoe drifted down to the very spot where the seal
had sunk, and Polargno looked down into the deep green water,
thinking he might see it coming up. But it rose in an entirely different
place, on the other side of the boat, and at quite a distance.
Polargno was by no means sure of his aim in making such a long
throw; but, putting himself into the attitude he had seen experienced
harpooners assume, he sent the harpoon whizzing through the air
with a straight, steady motion that carried it with a wide sweeping
curved line into the back of the seal, just above the tail.
Down into the water went the animal with a rush that made
Polargno’s canoe reel and dance. If it had been a small whale, or
even a sea-lion, that the boy had undertaken to capture in this
fashion, it would have dragged down the canoe, harpoon, rope, and
all, leaving to Polargno the pleasant task of swimming home and
telling the news. But the seal was not quite strong enough for this,
though it did its best; and, each time that it rose to the surface after
“sounding,” Polargno wound the line tighter and tighter around the
strong supports to which it was fastened. In this way he brought the
seal nearer and nearer the canoe. By the time its strength was pretty
well spent it had so short a line that it could dive only a few feet
below the surface. And then Polargno began to wonder how he
should get it to the shore when it was dead. It would be too heavy a
body for him to manage alone, and there was no one in sight on the
shore to whom he could call for help. He did not wish to cut the body
adrift, for then he was not likely to get it again.
Suddenly there flashed into his mind a brilliant thought. The seal
should take itself to the shore, and take him too! He seated himself
firmly in the boat, and took up the paddle. With this he hit the seal a
whack on the side, and, in darting away to the opposite direction
from the blow, the animal headed for the shore. It could not dive, but
it made a grand rush through the water, drawing the boat swiftly
along. A few such rushes brought it to the shore. Whenever it made
a turn to the right or left, the paddle reminded it to keep the straight
path. Polargno had never heard of Neptune’s chariot with its dolphin
steeds, and was therefore unconscious that he was working out a
poetical idea, but he was very proud of the success of his stratagem,
especially as it possessed an element of danger. If his charger had
taken it into its head to back against the boat, and to give it a blow
with its tail, it would have stove it in, and if it had given Polargno a
whack at the same time it would probably have killed him. But the
seal was too weak from loss of blood, or too ignorant to think of any
such revenge, and rushed upon the beach at last, dragging
Polargno’s boat up with such violence that he was shot out of it in a
twinkling.
He fell upon the soft sand and was not hurt. When he stood upon
his feet he found that his father, and one of the neighbors had come
to the shore to look after the boats, and had witnessed the last part
of his extraordinary journey. He was very glad of this, for he had
thought his story would not be believed in the village.
The seal was soon killed, and yielded a good deal of oil and
blubber.
After this, the people of the village looked upon Polargno as a very
clever and brave fellow, and they laughed at him no more about the
trick the fox had played him.

AFTER THEM CAME THE WHALING SHIPS.

In due course of time, the whales came up, and, after them came
the whaling ships. There were whales enough for both the
Esquimaux and the whalers. The former laid in large supplies for
winter use, and the latter loaded their ships with oil. But the fishing
was so very good that one of the whalers staid rather late for such a
very northern latitude. From time to time the captain had resolved to
go, but a fresh temptation in the shape of a big whale would induce
him to defer his departure; and the last of September found the ship
still cruising about in that latitude.

FROZEN UP.
By that time the whales were gone, and the vessel was full, and
they were really on the point of departure, when, unfortunately, there
came upon them a few days of excessively cold weather that was
very unusual so early in the season. In a short time the bay was
frozen, and the vessel tightly enclosed in the ice. The sailors now
began seriously to fear that they would have to winter in that dreadful
climate, when, to their joy, the weather moderated somewhat, and
the ice broke up. They soon found, however, that this condition of
things was worse than the other, for there was great danger of the
ship being crushed by the huge masses of loose ice that pressed
upon it on every side. The crew worked hard to save the ship, but it
Another random document with
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Title: Divots

Author: P. G. Wodehouse

Release date: November 25, 2023 [eBook #72227]

Language: English

Original publication: United States: George H. Doran Company,

1927

Credits: Aaron Adrignola, Tim Lindell and the Online Distributed

Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This book
was produced from images made available by the
HathiTrust Digital Library.)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DIVOTS ***

 DIVOTS
P. G. WODEHOUSE
 By P. G. WODEHOUSE

CARRY ON, JEEVES!

HE RATHER ENJOYED IT
BILL THE CONQUEROR
GOLF WITHOUT TEARS
JEEVES
LEAVE IT TO PSMITH
MOSTLY SALLY
THREE MEN AND A MAID
INDISCRETIONS OF ARCHIE
THE LITTLE WARRIOR
A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
 DIVOTS
BY
P. G. WODEHOUSE

NEW YORK
GEORGE H. DORAN
COMPANY
COPYRIGHT, 1923, 1924, 1925, 1926 AND 1927,
BY P. G. WODEHOUSE

DIVOTS
—B—
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
 TO
My Daughter
LEONORA
WITHOUT WHOSE NEVER-FAILING
SYMPATHY AND ENCOURAGEMENT
THIS BOOK
WOULD HAVE BEEN FINISHED
IN
HALF THE TIME
 PREFACE
Before leading the reader out on to this little nine-hole course, I
should like to say a few words on the club-house steps with regard to
the criticisms of my earlier book of Golf stories, The Clicking of
Cuthbert. In the first place, I noticed with regret a disposition on the
part of certain writers to speak of Golf as a trivial theme, unworthy of
the pen of a thinker. In connection with this, I can only say that right
through the ages the mightiest brains have occupied themselves
with this noble sport, and that I err, therefore, if I do err, in excellent
company.
Apart from the works of such men as James Braid, John Henry
Taylor and Horace Hutchinson, we find Publius Syrius not disdaining
to give advice on the back-swing (“He gets through too late who
goes too fast”); Diogenes describing the emotions of a cheery player
at the water-hole (“Be of good cheer. I see land”); and Doctor Watts,
who, watching one of his drives from the tee, jotted down the
following couplet on the back of his score-card:

Fly, like a youthful hart or roe,

Over the hills where spices grow.

And, when we consider that Chaucer, the father of English poetry,

inserted in his Squiere’s Tale the line

Therefore behoveth him a ful long spoone

(though, of course, with the modern rubber-cored ball an iron would

have got the same distance) and that Shakespeare himself,
speaking querulously in the character of a weak player who held up
an impatient foursome, said:

Four rogues in buckram let drive at me

we may, I think, consider these objections answered.

A far more serious grievance which I have against my critics is that
many of them confessed to the possession of but the slightest
knowledge of the game, and one actually stated in cold print that he
did not know what a niblick was. A writer on golf is certainly entitled
to be judged by his peers—which, in my own case, means men who
do one good drive in six, four reasonable approaches in an eighteen-
hole round, and average three putts per green: and I think I am
justified in asking of editors that they instruct critics of this book to
append their handicaps in brackets at the end of their remarks. By
this means the public will be enabled to form a fair estimate of the
worth of the volume, and the sting in such critiques as “We laughed
heartily while reading these stories—once—at a misprint” will be
sensibly diminished by the figures (36) at the bottom of the
paragraph. While my elation will be all the greater should the words
“A genuine masterpiece” be followed by a simple (scr.).

One final word. The thoughtful reader, comparing this book with
The Clicking of Cuthbert, will, no doubt, be struck by the poignant
depth of feeling which pervades the present volume like the scent of
muddy shoes in a locker-room: and it may be that he will conclude
that, like so many English writers, I have fallen under the spell of the
great Russians.
This is not the case. While it is, of course, true that my style owes
much to Dostoievsky, the heart-wringing qualities of such stories as
“The Awakening of Rollo Podmarsh” and “Keeping in with Vosper” is
due entirely to the fact that I have spent much time recently playing
on the National Links at Southampton, Long Island, U.S.A. These
links were constructed by an exiled Scot who conceived the dreadful
idea of assembling on one course all the really foul holes in Great
Britain. It cannot but leave its mark on a man when, after struggling
through the Sahara at Sandwich and the Alps at Prestwick, he finds
himself faced by the Station-Master’s Garden hole at St. Andrew’s
and knows that the Redan and the Eden are just round the corner.
When you turn in a medal score of a hundred and eight on two
successive days, you get to know something about Life.

And yet it may be that there are a few gleams of sunshine in the
book. If so, it is attributable to the fact that some of it was written
before I went to Southampton and immediately after I had won my
first and only trophy—an umbrella in a hotel tournament at Aiken,
South Carolina, where, playing to a handicap of sixteen, I went
through a field consisting of some of the fattest retired businessmen
in America like a devouring flame. If we lose the Walker Cup this
year, let England remember that.
P. G. WODEHOUSE
The Sixth Bunker
Addington
 CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
I THE HEART OF A GOOF 15
II HIGH STAKES 51
III KEEPING IN WITH VOSPER 85
IV CHESTER FORGETS HIMSELF 116
V THE MAGIC PLUS FOURS 153
VI THE AWAKENING OF ROLLO PODMARSH 183
VII RODNEY FAILS TO QUALIFY 210
VIII JANE GETS OFF THE FAIRWAY 246
IX THE PURIFICATION OF RODNEY SPELVIN 283
DIVOTS
 CHAPTER I
THE HEART OF A GOOF

It was a morning when all nature shouted “Fore!” The breeze, as it

blew gently up from the valley, seemed to bring a message of hope
and cheer, whispering of chip-shots holed and brassies landing
squarely on the meat. The fairway, as yet unscarred by the irons of a
hundred dubs, smiled greenly up at the azure sky; and the sun,
peeping above the trees, looked like a giant golf-ball perfectly lofted
by the mashie of some unseen god and about to drop dead by the
pin of the eighteenth. It was the day of the opening of the course
after the long winter, and a crowd of considerable dimensions had
collected at the first tee. Plus fours gleamed in the sunshine, and the
air was charged with happy anticipation.
In all that gay throng there was but one sad face. It belonged to
the man who was waggling his driver over the new ball perched on
its little hill of sand. This man seemed careworn, hopeless. He gazed
down the fairway, shifted his feet, waggled, gazed down the fairway
again, shifted the dogs once more, and waggled afresh. He waggled
as Hamlet might have waggled, moodily, irresolutely. Then, at last,
he swung, and, taking from his caddie the niblick which the intelligent
lad had been holding in readiness from the moment when he had
walked on to the tee, trudged wearily off to play his second.
The Oldest Member, who had been observing the scene with a
benevolent eye from his favourite chair on the terrace, sighed.
“Poor Jenkinson,” he said, “does not improve.”
“No,” agreed his companion, a young man with open features and
a handicap of six. “And yet I happen to know that he has been taking
lessons all the winter at one of those indoor places.”
“Futile, quite futile,” said the Sage with a shake of his snowy head.
“There is no wizard living who could make that man go round in an
average of sevens. I keep advising him to give up the game.”
“You!” cried the young man, raising a shocked and startled face
from the driver with which he was toying. “You told him to give up
golf! Why I thought—”
“I understand and approve of your horror,” said the Oldest
Member, gently. “But you must bear in mind that Jenkinson’s is not
an ordinary case. You know and I know scores of men who have
never broken a hundred and twenty in their lives, and yet contrive to
be happy, useful members of society. However badly they may play,
they are able to forget. But with Jenkinson it is different. He is not
one of those who can take it or leave it alone. His only chance of
happiness lies in complete abstinence. Jenkinson is a goof.”
“A what?”
“A goof,” repeated the Sage. “One of those unfortunate beings
who have allowed this noblest of sports to get too great a grip upon
them, who have permitted it to eat into their souls, like some
malignant growth. The goof, you must understand, is not like you
and me. He broods. He becomes morbid. His goofery unfits him for
the battles of life. Jenkinson, for example, was once a man with a
glowing future in the hay, corn, and feed business, but a constant
stream of hooks, tops, and slices gradually made him so diffident
and mistrustful of himself, that he let opportunity after opportunity
slip, with the result that other, sterner, hay, corn, and feed merchants
passed him in the race. Every time he had the chance to carry
through some big deal in hay, or to execute some flashing coup in
corn and feed, the fatal diffidence generated by a hundred rotten
rounds would undo him. I understand his bankruptcy may be
expected at any moment.”
“My golly!” said the young man, deeply impressed. “I hope I never
become a goof. Do you mean to say there is really no cure except
giving up the game?”
The Oldest Member was silent for a while.
“It is curious that you should have asked that question,” he said at
last, “for only this morning I was thinking of the one case in my
experience where a goof was enabled to overcome his deplorable
malady. It was owing to a girl, of course. The longer I live, the more I
come to see that most things are. But you will, no doubt, wish to hear
the story from the beginning.”
The young man rose with the startled haste of some wild creature,
which, wandering through the undergrowth, perceives the trap in his
path.
“I should love to,” he mumbled, “only I shall be losing my place at
the tee.”
“The goof in question,” said the Sage, attaching himself with quiet
firmness to the youth’s coat-button, “was a man of about your age,
by name Ferdinand Dibble. I knew him well. In fact, it was to me—”
“Some other time, eh?”
“It was to me,” proceeded the Sage, placidly, “that he came for
sympathy in the great crisis of his life, and I am not ashamed to say
that when he had finished laying bare his soul to me there were tears
in my eyes. My heart bled for the boy.”
“I bet it did. But—”
The Oldest Member pushed him gently back into his seat.
“Golf,” he said, “is the Great Mystery. Like some capricious
goddess—”
The young man, who had been exhibiting symptoms of
feverishness, appeared to become resigned. He sighed softly.
“Did you ever read ‘The Ancient Mariner’?” he said.
“Many years ago,” said the Oldest Member. “Why do you ask?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the young man. “It just occurred to me.”

Golf (resumed the Oldest Member) is the Great Mystery. Like

some capricious goddess, it bestows its favours with what would
appear an almost fat-headed lack of method and discrimination. On
every side we see big two-fisted he-men floundering round in three
figures, stopping every few minutes to let through little shrimps with
knock knees and hollow cheeks, who are tearing off snappy seventy-
fours. Giants of finance have to accept a stroke per from their junior
clerks. Men capable of governing empires fail to control a small,
white ball, which presents no difficulties whatever to others with one
ounce more brain than a cuckoo-clock. Mysterious, but there it is.
There was no apparent reason why Ferdinand Dibble should not
have been a competent golfer. He had strong wrists and a good eye.
Nevertheless, the fact remains that he was a dub. And on a certain
evening in June I realised that he was also a goof. I found it out quite
suddenly as the result of a conversation which we had on this very
terrace.
I was sitting here that evening thinking of this and that, when by
the corner of the clubhouse I observed young Dibble in conversation
with a girl in white. I could not see who she was, for her back was
turned. Presently they parted and Ferdinand came slowly across to
where I sat. His air was dejected. He had had the boots licked off
him earlier in the afternoon by Jimmy Fothergill, and it was to this
that I attributed his gloom. I was to find out in a few moments that I
was partly but not entirely correct in this surmise. He took the next
chair to mine, and for several minutes sat staring moodily down into
the valley.
“I’ve just been talking to Barbara Medway,” he said, suddenly
breaking the silence.
“Indeed?” I said. “A delightful girl.”
“She’s going away for the summer to Marvis Bay.”
“She will take the sunshine with her.”
“You bet she will!” said Ferdinand Dibble, with extraordinary
warmth, and there was another long silence.
Presently Ferdinand uttered a hollow groan.
“I love her, dammit!” he muttered brokenly. “Oh, golly, how I love
her!”
 I was not surprised at his making me the recipient of his
confidences like this. Most of the young folk in the place brought
their troubles to me sooner or later.
“And does she return your love?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t asked her.”
“Why not? I should have thought the point not without its interest
for you.”
Ferdinand gnawed the handle of his putter distractedly.
“I haven’t the nerve,” he burst out at length. “I simply can’t
summon up the cold gall to ask a girl, least of all an angel like her, to
marry me. You see, it’s like this. Every time I work myself up to the
point of having a dash at it, I go out and get trimmed by some one
giving me a stroke a hole. Every time I feel I’ve mustered up enough
pep to propose, I take ten on a bogey three. Every time I think I’m in
good mid-season form for putting my fate to the test, to win or lose it
all, something goes all blooey with my swing, and I slice into the
rough at every tee. And then my self-confidence leaves me. I
become nervous, tongue-tied, diffident. I wish to goodness I knew
the man who invented this infernal game. I’d strangle him. But I
suppose he’s been dead for ages. Still, I could go and jump on his
grave.”
It was at this point that I understood all, and the heart within me
sank like lead. The truth was out. Ferdinand Dibble was a goof.
“Come, come, my boy,” I said, though feeling the uselessness of
any words. “Master this weakness.”
“I can’t.”
“Try!”
“I have tried.”
He gnawed his putter again.
“She was asking me just now if I couldn’t manage to come to
Marvis Bay, too,” he said.
 “That surely is encouraging? It suggests that she is not entirely
indifferent to your society.”
“Yes, but what’s the use? Do you know,” a gleam coming into his
eyes for a moment, “I have a feeling that if I could ever beat some
really fairly good player—just once—I could bring the thing off.” The
gleam faded. “But what chance is there of that?”
It was a question which I did not care to answer. I merely patted
his shoulder sympathetically, and after a little while he left me and
walked away. I was still sitting there, thinking over his hard case,
when Barbara Medway came out of the club-house.
She, too, seemed grave and pre-occupied, as if there was
something on her mind. She took the chair which Ferdinand had
vacated, and sighed wearily.
“Have you ever felt,” she asked, “that you would like to bang a
man on the head with something hard and heavy? With knobs on?”
I said I had sometimes experienced such a desire, and asked if
she had any particular man in mind. She seemed to hesitate for a
moment before replying, then, apparently, made up her mind to
confide in me. My advanced years carry with them certain pleasant
compensations, one of which is that nice girls often confide in me. I
frequently find myself enrolled as a father-confessor on the most
intimate matters by beautiful creatures from whom many a younger
man would give his eye-teeth to get a friendly word. Besides, I had
known Barbara since she was a child. Frequently—though not
recently—I had given her her evening bath. These things form a
bond.
“Why are men such chumps?” she exclaimed.
“You still have not told me who it is that has caused these harsh
words. Do I know him?”
“Of course you do. You’ve just been talking to him.”
“Ferdinand Dibble? But why should you wish to bang Ferdinand
Dibble on the head with something hard and heavy with knobs on?”
“Because he’s such a goop.”