Dead Special Crabs

Dan Kitrosser

Comic
Loomer, twenty

Loomer is driving down I-95 with his best friend June.

Supposedly, he is delivering the tan corolla which he is
driving to his sister in Florida as a wedding present, but
the true reason he signed up for the trip was to track down
the new love of his life: a poet named Virgil. He hopes that
he and June can bond on this trip, as June has been acting
aloof of late.

Loomer: I don’t have any other good pick-up lines, June. I

literally became a homosexual like a week ago. So, we’re
sitting in the living room. Me, him, his grandmother and
Aunt Missy. Well I didn’t know how to make a move,
so I suggested we all play Scrabble. You know I figured
we can tire the old folks out. But the Metamucil finally
hits his Grandmother, so now she is in the bathroom and
Aunt Missy is all upset, because the Grandmother didn’t
pay for the Metamucil and so she’s banging on the door
saying, “You owe me this bowel movement! That’s my
bowel movement!” You know how Aunt Missy is. So
I’m apologizing to him, saying, “I’m sorry about Aunt
Missy” and then he just . . . He kissed me. He kissed me
June. He just laid one on me and kissed me and it was the
greatest feeling I had ever had. After everything flushed
through his Grandmother, Aunt missy kind of threw them
out. She’s a strong lady. And I don’t know if it was me
being so inexperienced, or his Grandmother’s constipa-
tion then subsequent diarrhea, but he never called me.
And then it was too late for me to call him, or maybe it
wasn’t, but I didn’t. I don’t know. But I thought about
him—I think about him all the time. All this week, he’s
been giving poetry readings at random places in Banger,
Maine, like Maude’s Bait n’ Tackle or the Burger Ban-

Lawrence Harbison 49
 quet. I’m so shy, I usually just go and pretend I’m buy-
ing something—do you need any shoe laces? But get
this—(He pulls out a piece of paper.) “Along the Sea: A
Poetry Tour along the Coast with Virgil McGillicutty.”
Bangor, Maine. Myrtle, Massachusettes. Hoboken, New
Jersey. Baltimore, Maryland. Shreveport, Louisiana.
Napalm Beach, Florida. June, we are going to Virgil’s
poetry readings. Oh I might not have the courage at first,
but I know, eventually, if I keep going to these things,
that I’ll have enough gumption to walk up to him and
say, “Hi, we kissed once while your Grandmother was
in my Aunt Missy’s bathroom, will you be my date to
my sister’s wedding?”

Information on this playwright may be found at:

www.smithandkraus.com.
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