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in DATING· LOVE (MARRIAGE)

4 Reasons Relationships
Fail and How you can fix
them

As a counselor, I can show people where

the water is, but I cannot make them drink.

I desperately want everyone to have their

happily ever after, but sometimes I have to

be honest with myself.

As long as humans are human, it won’t

happen for everyone.

Not all of us are willing to put in the work to

make it happen. Because if there’s one

thing I know: happy relationships require

hard WORK.

Effort.

Grit, grind and labor.

I don’t know any other way to spell it.

It’s not always the romantic, sexy, breath

taking adventure that fairy tales sold us

when we were little girls.

Relationships rarely succeed when they are

on automatic. You have to intentionally put

in the energy to improve yourself and to

improve your bond, every day!

And since I’m being honest with myself, I

may as well be honest with you too.

If you don’t accept this reality before you

start or continue your relationship, you will

not succeed. Here are 4 areas you can

work on to get started.

1. Immaturity and selfishness. One of

the trademarks of being a toddler is not

wanting to share and not caring what your

mom is doing when your hunger pain

strikes. You want food and you want it now.

You want attention and you want it now.

You don’t care if mom is sick, working, or

otherwise busy.

If you’re 1 or 2-years-old, you get a free-

pass on all of that.

But being a mature responsible adult

requires that you put your partner’s needs

before your own. You want them to be

happy more than you want you to be

happy. If both partners have this attitude,

then everyone will be happy. The problem

comes when you enter a relationship

thinking that it’s about your happiness.

It’s totally not.

Marriage is about giving more than taking.

The person who is ready to experience real

love is the person who is ready to give of

themselves. Mind, body and spirit.

You can fix this by engaging in volunteer

work that consists of serving others.

Whether it’s working at a soup kitchen, an

afterschool program with children or

helping out at a nursing home—you need

to take the focus off yourself.

You need to understand that it’s better to

give than to receive. But don’t just go

through the motions. Concentrate on

showing love to others just because they

deserve it.

And if you can do this for strangers, it will

come natural for you to do this in a

relationship with the person you want to

spend the rest of your life with.

2. Stubbornness
Stubbornness. “I’m always right.”

“My way or the highway.” “I’ve always been

this way and I don’t have to change for

anyone.”

When I’m sitting face to face with a couple

and I tell them what it will take for their

relationship to move forward, often times,

one of them will make a decision that it

easier to NOT change and risk losing their

relationship, than it is to change.

Stubbornness can be good if you’re starting

a business and you know you’re doing the

right thing. But when it consistently shows

up in a relationship where there should be

negotiation and compromise, it can lead to

one partner becoming resentful of the

stubborn partner.

Stubbornness can be fixed by letting go:

Because stubbornness is all about

control, stubborn people need to practice

the art of letting go. For at least 48

hours, let go of the need to be right. Let go

of the need to look a certain way, let go of

the need to always get what you want.

Simply relax and let go.

At the end of the experiment, examine how

you feel. You will discover that the world is

still turning and you didn’t lose anything.

You may actually gain a lot of peace in the

process.

As humans, we were meant to evolve over

time and if you’re not evolving, you’re not

growing. And if you’re not growing, you’re

not ready for a serious relationship.

3. Not understanding Men

Men. I can’t tell

you how many times I’ve had to explain to

women, why their husband or fiancé can’t

not take a hint or read in between the lines.

If we’re from Mars, they really are from

Venus.

They communicate differently. They don’t

want to read your mind, nor do they want to

be manipulated. They want you to be direct

and tell them what’s wrong. The typical

“nothing” response will lead to you not

getting your needs met in the relationship.

They also think and behave differently. For

the most part, men focus on one thing at a

time, while women tend to multi-task.

To fix a lack of understanding of the secret

life of men, it’s best to read, ask questions

and learn as much as you can. Did I

mention that I have a new book coming out

that will help you understand

men? Shameless plug.

Anyway, after you’ve established trust,

most men will open up to you and tell you

what they are thinking. But when they do,

be prepared to accept them at face value.

Don’t judge. Don’t make assumptions and

don’t try to change them.

4. Fairytale expectations. My client

“Mary” grew up not knowing her father. But

she always dreamed of marrying someone

who would make her feel like a princess.

She wanted someone to tell her how

beautiful she is on a daily basis. And she

wanted someone to shower her with

undivided attention the moment she walked

in the door.

Our view of the perfect relationship can

come from wanting what our parents had,

or wanting the complete opposite of their

tragic story. And usually these are

uncommunicated expectations that neither

party knows the other wants, but both

expects the other to fulfill.

It’s almost like we assume our significant

other grew up the same way we did and

knows what our version of the perfect

relationship looks like, without us ever

saying a word.

Of course, Mary’s husband “Tom,” thought

that if he married her and took care of her

financially, she would feel loved. After all,

that’s what his dad did.

Needless to say, when Tom didn’t deliver,

Mary was unsatisfied and Tom never knew

why.

The easy fix here is to develop realistic

expectations, based on real life– not

Cinderella, and to learn effective

communication 101. It sounds easy to an

adult who knows how to talk, but it isn’t.

The natural thing to do when we are feeling

unfulfilled in relationships is to blame,

criticize and shutdown. Instead of taking

that approach, learn to say exactly what

you want, need and expect in a

constructive manner.

« EASTER? THE REAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US AND THEM

PRINCESS VS OLD MAID: DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE

WORTH? »

about marcee
Marcee Woodard is a

Christian Counselor,

speaker, and blogger.

Her mission is to guide

women through self-discovery and teach

them how to love so that they can attract

and keep the relationships they deserve.

She is passionate about helping women to

get healthy so their relationships will be

healthy. Read More…

let’s connect

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