How to combat

'What if'
thoughts
 Dealing with 'What if' thoughts
When your mind is racing with ‘What ifs…’ it can feel incredibly
overwhelming.

·What if my partner cheats…

·What if my friend gets mad at me…
·What if I lose my job…

Whatever the potential future situation we’re terrified of coming

true is, what we’re actually scared of is a FEELING we will have to
experience in the future. A feeling created by a thought we will have
in that moment.

Circumstance or
event happens
Our emotion
(happy, sad,
angry, excited etc)

Our brain's thoughts

about that event. (Our
interpretation and
what we make it
mean)

So for example…

• If my partner cheats on me I’ll have the thought ‘they’ve betrayed

me’ and ‘I wasn’t good enough for them’ and feel hurt and betrayed

• If my friend gets mad at me I’ll think ‘I’m a terrible friend’ and

‘nobody likes me’ and feel guilt and rejection

• If I lose my job I’ll think ‘I’m no good at anything’ and ‘I’m never
going to be able to achieve my goals’ and feel shame and failure
People often try to combat ‘What If’ thoughts by trying to convince
themselves that thing won’t happen.

This rarely works, because as much as we can find a lot of evidence for
why that thing IS unlikely to happen, there’s always a 1% chance it will…
otherwise we wouldn’t be worrying about it.

And boy do our brains know how to cling to that 1%.

Your brain will likely say, ‘Okay sure – I have done some good work this
month so they probably won’t sack me… BUT THEY STILL MIGHT.’

And then we’re back at square one.

So what should you do instead?

You need to pinpoint the exact feeling you’re scared of experiencing in the
future.

Is it the feeling of rejection? Of shame? Of sadness? Of guilt?

Of hopelessness? Of failure?

These emotions are just physical sensations in our bodies. And we spend
so much of our lives terrified of experiencing them.

If I told you that in the future you might have to experience a leg cramp,
you wouldn’t spend days ruminating about that possible eventuality.
You’d know it wouldn’t be comfortable if it happened, but you’d also
know you would handle it and that it wouldn’t mean anything.

Learning how to stop avoiding our negative emotions is a skill that

coaching can teach you – and definitely worth bringing to your attention
here.

Recognise that what you’re most scared of is having to experience a

physical emotion. You’re scared of experiencing sensations in your body.

What would that emotion feel like? What would the sensations feel like in
your body? Have you experienced it before?
 EXERCISE 1: And then...

Imagine that thing has happened.

Why would it be so painful? What would your brain make it mean? What
are the worst thoughts you might have in that situation?

Finish this sentence using your own scary ‘What if’ situation – for
example:

My partner could one day cheat on me… AND THEN…

And then I’d be devastated

And then I’d never find another relationship as good as this one
And then I’d feel like I wasn’t good enough and that there’s something
wrong with me

Try this exercise now:

Write your scary future event followed by what your brain would make it
mean:

________________________________AND THEN ________________________________

___________________________________________________________________________

THIS is the sentence that is owning you right now. Those few words.
That’s what you’re actually terrified of experiencing – the physical
sensation that would follow those thoughts.

But the truth is – if that thing were to happen – you’d get to choose what
you wanted to make it mean.

You could choose to not make it mean ANYTHING about you or your
future possibilities and choose to create a completely different emotion for
yourself.

You get to choose how to think and feel in any situation

 And then... (continued)

You get to decide how you finish your 'And then...' sentence.

Your brain's default choice, based on fear and self-doubt doesn’t need to
be the one you blindly bow down to.

What else could you make that event mean?

My partner could one day cheat on me… AND…

And I’d always choose to love myself and believe I’m valuable no
matter what
And if they did it wouldn’t be a reflection of me or my worth, and I’d
be able to go and find another human to connect with who wants to
be in a faithful relationship with me
And I could handle the emotions and choose to have my own back

Try this for yourself.

Again, write your scary future event followed by what your higher self /
the future, wiser version of you would intentionally want to make it
mean:

_____________________________________AND ________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________

If you're stuck, here's some prompts:

I know that no matter what somebody else does or doesn't do, I can
take care of myself

I can choose to believe I'm a worthy human being no matter what

happens

I am capable and WILLING to experience negative emotions

No matter what, I have friends and family around me that will always
be there to support me
 EXERCISE 2:
The future walk through
Our brains like to walk us up to the point where the terrible thing
happens and then just FREAK out and slam the door in our face.

They never like to play it through to the other side, to the part where we
survive, move forward, and are okay again.

This exercise will help you look a bit more realistically about the
consequences of that dreaded, terrible event happening. What would it
really mean for your life? Would it really be the end of the world? How
might you actually be able to cope and flourish after the event if it were to
happen?

1) Write down the thing you’re scared of happening

E.g. I’m scared my partner will cheat on me

2)Then write down exactly what would happen next

E.g. I’m scared my partner will cheat on me and then we’ll break up and
I’ll be alone

3)Now walk yourself through time to a month later, what happens

next?

Get really realistic with what would happen next. What would actually
happen? How would you deal with it? What choices would you make?
Would you turn to friends for support? Would you take some time for
yourself?

E.g. I’m scared my partner will cheat on me and then we’ll break up and
I’ll be alone. Then I’ll turn to my friends for support, move into my parents
house until I’m able to make a decision about how I want to move
forward, and spend some time focusing on myself
 The future walk through
(continued)
4)Now visit a year after the event

How would things be then? What would you be doing? Would you have
survived the pain? What would you decide to make that event mean
about you and your future?

E.g. I’m scared my partner will cheat on me and then we’ll break up and
I’ll be alone. Then I’ll turn to my friends for support, move into my parents
house until I’m able to find my own place, and spend some time looking
after myself. And then eventually I’ll start dating again.

A year later I’d have gotten through the pain and be okay. I’d choose to
make them cheating mean nothing about me as a person and just that the
relationship wasn’t right. I would continue to want to meet and find
someone who wanted the same things as me in a relationship.

Objections...

If your brain is offering negative forecasts when it imagines a year after

the event – this is a good opportunity to get curious about them.

For example, if your brain says that a year after your partner cheated ‘I’d
never trust anyone again and end up alone’ – then this would be a good
thought for you to get curious about.

Recognise the tendency of your brain to be incredibly dramatic. It’s okay –

it’s a human brain. Its job is to keep you alive, which means being chilled
and relaxed isn’t really part of it’s job description.

Try and find the humour in that. And then ask yourself the questions:

What if I’m wrong about that?

What if trust was just created by my own brain, and I could choose to
trust at any time?
What if I knew that somebody else’s actions didn’t mean anything
about me?
What if the actions of one person didn’t have to impact the way I chose
to think about another person?
 EXERCISE 3: The worst emotion
As mentioned previously, the thing you’re most scared about is a future
negative emotion.

But what if you knew you could totally handle those sensations? What if
you were open to having them as part of your human experience?

Set a timer on your phone and do the below process for the next 10
minutes.

Close your eyes and imagine the situation

you’re scared of happening. Really picture it.

Allow the feelings to come up in your body. Your brain doesn’t know the
difference between something happening and something we’re
imagining, so allow it to conjure the emotions when you picture that
‘scary’ event.

Where can you feel the emotion? Where is the sensation?

Go to it. Put all your attention onto that sensation. Get curious about it.
Spend the next 10 minutes with these sensations.

What does it feel like?

Is it hot or cold? Is it moving or still?

If it were a colour, what colour would it be?

Tell the sensation it’s welcome to be there.

If you were to describe the sensation to an alien who’d never felt an

emotion before, how would you describe it? ‘E.g. a sinking feeling, a
racing feeling, like something heavy is on my chest

Name the sensation.

Keep focusing on it. And narrate the internal experience of the

emotion to yourself.

Has it moved? What does it feel like now?

Doing this repeatedly whenever you feel a negative emotion will help you
to process the sensations instead of resisting them. When we resist our
negative emotions, they only increase and come back stronger.

We don’t have to enjoy our negative emotions, but if we can make peace
with the fact they are inevitable and that as humans we WILL have to
experience them sometimes – we may even come to realise, they aren’t as
bad as we once thought.

A little bit about me!

My name is Rebecca and I'm a certified Relationship

Coach, as well as an NLP and Timeline Therapy
practitioner.

I lived the majority of my teenage years and

twenties a slave to my own brain.

I was anxious about every single relationship

in my life. Constantly scanning for rejection, fearing
what other people thought about me, and believing
I was never ever going to be good enough.

Then thankfully - I went through an amazing

coaching journey that taught me tools that
completely CHANGED MY LIFE.

I'm now confident and secure in who I am. I love my

relationships and I'm able to fully enjoy them. And
most importantly I'm able to fully love me and have
my own back no matter what happens around me.

Interested in beginning your own life changing

journey?
Follow me on Instagram
Sign up for my waitlists for both 1:1 coaching and TikTok...

opportunities and for my small group coaching @RebeccaOreCoaching

programme, Relationship Rewire. Or send me a direct
email:

rebecca@rebeccaorecoaching.com