INTRODUCTION

BACK TALK REMEDIES

We want to have the last word - in debates and critical conversations. To

have our words accepted, validated, and implemented.

To have our children do exactly what we want and expect from them.

Instead, children often throw a comeback our way. They are shamelessly
loud, objectionable, and provocative, and they make us feel stressed out
every day.

Their tongues are sharp and their words unforgiving. And the worst is
when they talk back to us in such a way that we don’t even know how
to answer them.

I decided to help you with a book on what to do when your child talks back.

In it, you’ll find dialogues that will give you inspiration on how to make
them hold their tongue in a relaxed and humorous way.

You will learn to say less but say exactly what is needed.

Give clear instructions instead of long explanations and telling-offs. Choose

the words carefully, so your children will simply have to respond.

It’s a short book, so you can read it tonight and try out the tips tomorrow!

The advice is simple, witty, and effective.

Read them. Share them with your friends. And, most importantly, use
them!

-Marko Juhant
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DON’T YOU TRUST ME?
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When children answer back with “Don’t you trust me?” they’re just trying
to divert the conversation.

They already know you won’t like the answer.

Instead, they throw you off with questions to avoid having to provide a
simple piece of information.

But this is not just about trust, it’s about taking control of the conversation.

If you engage in their questions and become defensive, they will drag
into an unnecessary debate about trust.

This will distract you from the actual topic at hand.

So, refocus the conversation on the specific issue or question you

raised.

“Who are you going out with tonight?”

- “Why, don’t you trust me?”

“I do, but I still need to know who you’re with for safety reasons.”

Staying direct and unswayed will keep the conversation on track.

“Why do you always need details?”

- “Because I care about your safety. Please answer the question.”

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Being firm with your kid sets the tone for a calm and adult-like
conversation.
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It’s also important to show them you care about them and their safety, as
that will reassure them they are loved.

They might not show you how they truly feel, but, deep down, they
appreciate your concern.

This is why concise, polite, and direct communication is the most effective
way to ensure your child answers straightforwardly.

YOU DON’T LOVE ME

If you don’t give in to your child’s wishes, they’ll be quick to say this.

A common example is when you are shopping in a store and your child
sees a notebook with Power Rangers on it.

“Dad, I want that notebook!”

But the notebook is unreasonably expensive and, as you have a few more
at home, you refuse his request.

- “No, Harry. You don’t need a new notebook. “

“If you don’t buy me the notebook, I won’t love you anymore!”

- “OK, I love you anyway!”

“No, you don’t love me. You’re lying! Otherwise, you would have bought me
a notebook!”
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- “Yes, I do, and there’s nothing you can do about it!”
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By telling him that you love him regardless of his behaviour, you have taken
away all his power. He lost the battle.

But he can also respond to you like this:

“Fine, then you’re not my friend anymore!”

You just calmly reply, “It’s fine because I’m not really your friend. I am your
father. And I am not here to please you and grant your every wish, but to
educate you. You get all the things you need, but you also get limits!”

Don’t let yourself be emotionally blackmailed.

And believe me, a child as young as four will understand that there is no
point in arguing with you. Next time, they will know that manipulating you
will not get them what they want.

LEAVE ME ALONE, I’LL DO IT MYSELF

You’re in a hurry to get your daughter to kindergarten and go to work, so
you’re trying to get things moving at a faster pace.

You kindly offer to help and say:

“Molly, we are in a hurry. I see that you are not ready yet. I’ll come and help
you get dressed.”

And she says: “No! Leave me alone, I’ll do it myself!”

Although you may think this is mouthing off, it’s actually not. It is the
desire for autonomy.
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Every child soon realises that they and their mother are no longer one
person. That they can do things differently from what their parents want.
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That they have their own wishes and thoughts.

By saying “I won’t”, “leave me alone”, or “I’ll do it myself’’, they are telling

you that they want to be free to make their own decisions.

Therefore, it is not appropriate to tell them they are ungrateful or should

not talk to you this way. This will only get you into an argument because
you have failed to understand the true meaning of your child’s words.

And what can you do when you realise that your child needs more freedom
when it comes to tasks and instructions?

Give them options and time to choose one of them.

“Which shorts do you want to wear - red or blue?”

- “Red.”

“Are you going to put them on by yourself, or do you want me to help you?”
“I’ll do it myself!”

When she gets dressed, continue: “Do you want to wear black or brown
boots?”

- “Black.”

Do this every day. Let your child make the decisions.

Of course, they cannot decide everything, only those things you decide
that they can. It probably goes without saying that they should not decide
whether to cross the road at a red light or a green light.

A child needs and wants to make choices for themselves from a very early
age. Give them this freedom and avoid unnecessary conflicts.
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I’M NOT A SLAVE
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These days, children find everything difficult.

They feel that we are torturing them with our demands and that we are
exploiting them as a cheap workforce.

“Emma, please vacuum the living room!”

Your daughter protests, “You all act as if I were your slave in this house!”

You know that this is not the case, because she is not harmed in any way.
On the contrary, you are too often permissive.

Instead of falling for your daughter’s dramatisation, you should perform in

the melodrama yourself.

“You are right, you are not a slave! Just leave it dirty. And you know what?
I am not a slave either! That’s why I will join you on strike. I will no longer
do the washing, cooking, and tidying up around the house. Let everyone
figure it out for themselves!”

This will be followed by a long eye-roll and a comment that you always
exaggerate. But your performance will work!

She will get to work, frowning, but she will do it.

Children often snap back at us because they can do nothing else. They
know they will have to do the job anyway. However, they must voice their
dissatisfaction out loud first.
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YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
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You get a call from school saying your child has been skipping class with
two other classmates.

You take action by banning them from spending time with their friends for
a week.

That’s when the child pulls out the justice card.

“You have no right to forbid me anything, I have every right to hang

out with my friends!”

Children today are obsessed with their rights. They are hyped up by the
media, school, and other social organisations.

But no one tells them anything about their duties. And what rights do they
have if they fail to meet these obligations?

You have two possible answers here.

The first one is: “Here, this is the number of a Social work centre. Call and
check if you really have that right.”

In most cases, of course, your child will not call. But if your child is a true
revolutionary, they will quickly receive a cold shower from the social
workers.

You can also try another possible answer:

“Actually, you don’t. You have the right to an education. And that means
not skipping class, and being diligent with your school work. Only then do
you have the right to spend your free time with your friends!”
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And that concludes the debate. No more explaining and no more energy
wasted.
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Remember that it is normal for a child to assert their rights and to want to
make a good life for themselves.

But in life, rights work hand in hand with duties. If you want to benefit from
one, you have to fulfil the other.

WHY ME?
You ask your child: “Please put the dishes in the dishwasher!”

As usual, they have to comment on your request:

“Why always me?”

Although it may look like it, their purpose is not to annoy you.
By asking “Why me?”, their intention is not to annoy you, but to skillfully
steer the conversation away from themselves and the task at hand.

If you don’t see that this is a part of their cunning plan, you will get upset
and start giving them long explanations as to “why them”, and you will
achieve nothing.

“Well, why do I have to do it? Why not Tessa?”

This way, they take control of the conversation and avoid doing things they
don’t want to do.

To avoid such unnecessary discussions, it is up to you to lead the

conversation.
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When they answer your question with a question, redirect the
conversation back to where you want it to go.
BACK TALK REMEDIES

“No questions, I told you to do it, and you have to do it. “

- “But why me?”

Just give your child a serious look and say, “Lucas, that’s enough!”

When they see that you have taken control of the situation and that you
are not going to get into arguments and long explanations, they will give
up and do as they are told.

Remember that it is normal for a child to try to take control of

themselves and their surroundings as they grow up.

This stems from the inner need to make their own decisions. After all, a
child is approaching adulthood and a time when they will have to make
decisions by themselves.

Don’t let this frustrate you.