Safe Place to Land

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/42461829.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: F/F
Fandom: Station 19 (TV)
Relationship: Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca
Characters: Maya Bishop, Carina DeLuca, Andy Herrera, Ben Warren, Robert
Sullivan, Amelia Shepherd
Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Self-Destruction, Suicidal Thoughts,
Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, No details of assault
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2022-10-18 Updated: 2024-04-23 Words: 27,383 Chapters:
10/?
 Safe Place to Land
by DrMKAmericanHero

Summary

TW for self harm, SI and mentions of sexual assault. Maya is someone who sees self harm as
a way of paying for the moment of peace it affords her. What if after a month of tension at
home and abuse at work, Maya reached the end of her self-destructive rope, only to become
the victim of an assault. Forcing everyone to look at themselves and wonder how clean their
hands are in this. Did they owe their friend more support when her boss risked her life
needlessly? Should they have all said something before it was too late? It's going to have a
happy ending. That said I hate Robert and Ross so you can turn back now if that bugs you.

Notes

I know Ben left, but I like him so in this story no he didn't. I am writing this to cope with
some bad mental health so its a little dark as a result.
 When Pain is All That They Offer

It had been about a month since everything came to a head for Maya, which also meant she
had been in hell for about that long. She and Carina barely spoke at home when they were
both there and things only began to improve when she saw Maya actively looking for a
therapist, but even then, the tension between them floated above them and left a threatening
aura in the home. This made it easy for Carina to accept extra shifts and for Maya to sleep at
the station even when she didn’t need to. Normally that would have brought her some peace,
but anymore work was somehow worse than work. On some level she understood the
response from her friends: blackmail is serious and very unlike Maya. But why did Robert
get forgiven for his crimes, Beckett was given free reign over people’s lives while actively
drunk and no one seemed interested in taking Ross to task either. Everyone got the benefit of
the doubt but Maya and that last four weeks made Maya think that maybe her father was
right: maybe she was a failure and not worth anything.

Maya had chosen to run to work, like she had been for the last month, finding that the only
time she felt peaceful was when she ran. It never lasted long enough, but it was all that kept
her from drifting in thoughts of the clouds. She thought of Diane Lewis asking her all those
years ago if she was suicidal and at the time, the answer was never, but now…now Maya
realized that the clouds weren’t enough. She wanted more and that scared her, but what
scared her more is that after a few weeks of being hazed and ignored at work. It didn’t scare
her anymore. Dying in a fire was something she suddenly craved, the small injuries she had
gotten in the last few weeks gave her something to chase. A high she never had met before,
but one that demanded to be felt now that she had tasted it. The small burns from fires that
were never treated because Beckett had her ignore care for grunt work. The cuts that came
from her own medicine cabinet when she was sure Carina was out of the house. All of it gave
her moment where she could take a full breath and believe for a few minutes that she could
survive this. That morning she left for work when it was still dark, thinking exactly that, that
she could do this; the sting on her arm still allowing her to feel some peace. That peace was
short lived; because no one told Maya Bishop that just like with all self-destructive behavior,
we become blind to things around us, including the person who had been following her for
the last 2 miles.

Inside of 19 Andy was getting ready for her shift and was helping to stock a few things in the
clinic so Carina didn’t have to do it when she came in that afternoon. Eventually, Robert
came strolling in with Ross two steps behind him and Andy suddenly began to feel like an
ass for being awful to Maya, when it turned out that her allegations, while dumb to be made
the way she had, were very much true.

“Morning Andy.” Robert greeted and Andy turned her back to him and finished what she was
doing before passing the couple going up the stairs.

“You know, just because Maya has been hazed and beaten down this month doesn’t mean you
all can just flaunt your relationship. It is still against protocol. Protocol I might add that the
two of you made sure Maya felt the sting of when all along it was the two of you who
couldn’t follow an order if it bit you.” Andy wasn’t sure where that anger came from, maybe
it was at herself for how she treated Maya, but it came out and before Ross could jump in
Andy waved her off.

“Save it. I’m going to report this to HR and ask that a FORMAL investigation be run because
you are banging a subordinate that you ended up promoting. I don’t care that he deserved it.
Maya deserved her job back just like Robert and you two being a couple sure as shit didn’t
help matters. Be thankful you will get a fair trial unlike her.”

“You are out of line Hererra.” Ross tried to act tough, but Andy could ruin them and they
couldn’t react the same way they had with Maya.

“No ma’am I don’t think I am. I think you are and how truly disappointing that someone who
is supposed to lead by example is the very insubordinate that she accused my best friend of
being. We all better hope she forgives us because we abandoned her when she screwed up.
When Robert fucked up so bad he deserved to lose it all, Maya came to his defense. Who
showed up for Maya!”

Andy’s yelling attracted Ben to come in from the locker room and realized what was being
spoken of. “I did. Or I tried. I reported Ross and Sullivan 3 days ago when I knew I had
evidence. I just wish I had it sooner because Maya looks like she is about to drop dead if
Beckett makes her push with no food and water again.” Ross had the good sense to realize
how fucked she and Robert both were and before she or the man next to her could fire back
they heard Jack yell Maya’s name at the top of his lungs outside of the entrance of the barn.
Andy didn’t need to hear anything else and took the stairs two at a time with Ben right behind
her. Outside Andy saw Jack on his hands and knees, hovering over somebody laying on the
ground and two steps toward them confirmed it was Maya. Sadly, those two steps confirmed
a few other things too.

The former Olympian was unconscious on the ground, blood saturating her dark blue Station
19 shirt that was torn away from her shoulder and around the neck. That would’ve been
enough to set off a wave of tears in Andy’s eyes, but what made her blood boil and the tears
in her eyes burn was that her friend had blood trail down her legs, made all the more apparent
because of Maya’s light grey running shorts. Jack was about to cover Maya with his coat, but
Andy grabbed his wrist.

“Don’t, go get gloves for all of us to loud her in the aid car. You laying your jacket down
comprises evidence.” Jack looked like Andy had slapped him by calling Maya’s body
evidence. He did however listen to his friend and ran into the clinic to get supplies while
hitting the button for the barn to open. When he returned Andy was fast to put on gloves and
start feeling for a pulse which was easy enough to find, but that didn’t make her feel better.

“Maya? Listen to me, it’s Andy and I have Ben and Jack with me and we are gonna get you
into the aid car and go have the crew at GS fix you up. Ok? I have to touch you Maya and I
am sorry, but it is gonna be ok.” Andy secured the neck collar as Jack and Ben helped to roll
Maya on the board and rush her to the aid car. Ben opted to drive the rig with Andy and Jack
in the back trying to get any idea of the injuries they were bringing into the ER. While Jack
got an IV started Andy called ahead to GS to have ready for what was coming and to try to
make sure Carina wasn’t in the receiving zone only to see her wife in this state. The receiving
nurse said she was not sure where Dr. Deluca was, but she didn’t seem to be in the pit. That
was going to have to be good enough because when Andy was back helping Jack, she could
see that they were dealing with more than just this assault as Maya’s arms were covered in
scars and cuts that could not have been more than a few hours old.

“We failed her. God, we failed her so fucking hard.” Ben made the last turn into GS and
Andy almost jumped out of the rig before it was fully stopped. Thankfully she didn’t see
Carina’s face among the familiar ones before her so she rattled off what she knew and the
second the blonde came into few every doctor’s face fell briefly before swarming Maya.
Owen directed them into a trauma room and shouted something about a protocol that Andy
knew meant that everything would need to be collected as evidence. Andy followed them
into the room and stood off in the corner and watched as they ordered scans and blood work,
all while staff grabbed bags and supplies Andy remembered from her own assault. Her focus
was broken when Maya began to wake up enough to freak out when the first face she saw
was Owen Hunt a few inches from her face.

“Maya, hey it’s ok, it’s Andy. Hunt is just trying to take a look at that blow to the head you
got there. He’s not gonna hurt you ok, just listen to my voice.” Maya was already half into a
panic attack when Andy grabbed a pair of gloves and grabbed her friend’s hand. “Maya listen
to me, you can feel me right here ok? Just take a deep breath and stay with me ok.” Maya
burst into tears and Andy couldn’t be sure if it was from pain, fear or confusion, but her heart
broke for her friend regardless.

“Carina?” Andy heard Maya ask and was grateful on some level because Andy had no idea
how to make Maya feel safe, but Carina would. “Page DeLuca and I want her down here
now.” Owen didn’t think about shouting the order until Maya flinched and began to cry
harder. Andy glared and pointed to the door.

“You need to get out. You’ve scared her. Get me someone else.” Owen was about to defend
himself when Amelia waltz in, clearly not expecting Maya.

“You guys paged for Neuro….holy shit what happened to firefighter Barbie?” Amelia
grabbed her light pen and began to look over the injury to Maya’s head.

“Hey Maya, it’s Amelia. Can you tell me anything about what happened?” The surgeon of
course didn’t have to try hard to guess, but she hoped to find out what Maya remembered and
see how bad the injury to her head was.

“I ran to work. I always run to work and it never mattered before. I never saw them…what
happened?” Maya looked at Amelia who continued her exam while she spoke. “I’m not sure
Maya, but I and everyone is going to find out and I am going to fix that head of yours so just
keep talking to me ok.”

“Carina’s going to be mad. I got hurt and she doesn’t want to have a baby with me because I
just keep fucking up and she is going to be so mad. “Maya was working herself up and
Amelia grabbed an intern and sent them to find Carina.

“Maya, listen. You are talking to someone who screwed up at every possible turn and look
where I am. Ok, I fucked up relationships, jobs, you name it. But you know what Maya,
when you have the right people around you, they remember why they love you and they help
you heal through the bullshit and then one day you get to move past it. Carina is for sure the
right people she just can’t stand seeing you hurt. And I promise she still wants you to be her
baby mama, ok, she said some fucked up shit because she was angry, humans do that. And
while she is not of this earth hot, your wife is still human. You will figure it out and more
importantly, she hasn’t shut up talking about you since that fight you had. You haven’t lost
her Maya, but you have to fight for yourself now. Ok?” Maya would have responded except
in the ER you could hear Carina screaming Maya’s name in a way none of them had never
heard before and only when Carina saw the warning on the outside of the room did the
screaming give way to worried and frantic tears and Italian.

Carina entered the room still trying to put on gloves and when she managed to Andy gave up
her spot so that Carina was standing right next Maya. “Bambina? I’m right here ok.” Maya
looked at Carina and instantly burst into tears which of course made Carina’s heart drop into
her stomach.

“I’m so sorry I keep fucking up so bad in our relationship. I know you deserve better than
having a baby with me, but Carina the only reason I did all this stupid shit was so I could
avoid some of the dangers on the job. I didn’t want our kid to be afraid of losing me and I
didn’t want them to think their mom was a loser. I should have done it better, but everyone
else gets to get ahead by break the rules and I keep having to follow them and for what? I’m
so sorry and I am going to fix things: I called Diane and made 2 months of appts with her and
I just….Carina I can’t lose anything else and without you I don’t have a god damn thing
worth bettering myself for and I just can’t stand the thought of not loving you the rest of my
life because I fucked up.” Carina tried to follow the frantic speech and she caught enough to
realize that Maya had been doing exactly as Carina had asked and Carina was so focused on
being angry she missed it. Looking down at Maya’s body, she realized she had missed so
much more than just signs that Maya was trying.

“Bambina. I am so very proud of you for getting help and if you need me to be the reason
you got help that is ok, but we need to work on you fighting to get better because you deserve
it. Ok? You don’t deserve this bambina.” Carina was careful to not touch more than one cut
on her wife’s arm, but it made Maya shut her eyes tightly to stop the tears.

“Yes, I do. You were right about what you said on the roof and I couldn’t get the idea out of
my head that you didn’t want to have a baby with ‘that’ because ‘that’ was me. And then
work just became this hellish nightmare and I couldn’t breathe anywhere I was, unless I was
asleep, running or doing this. It felt like I finally found something that clicked and I could do
it and breathe and feel peaceful.”

“Bambina, that isn’t peace, those are endorphins that are there to stop your body from going
into shock. I shouldn’t have ever, even in my anger, called you ‘that’. I was mad and wanted
to hurt your feelings and that was not fair. But Maya please, you don’t deserve to hurt
yourself as a way to find peace. You deserve peace without pain.”

“Peace in this life.” Carina’s eye got big at the implication, but held her tongue and let Maya
finish, “Dr. Lewis told me a long time ago to try and find peace and love and rest in this life
instead of thinking I had to die before I could feel those things.” Carina nodded and let some
tear slip out, “si bambina, you deserve all those things in this life, without hurting yourself as
payment for them. Ok?” Maya nodded but the pain in her head was still severe.

“I want to get a full scan and a CT for her just to confirm its nothing more than some normal
swelling. They can do a kit afterwards if she wants one of course.” Carina realized that so
much had happened to her wife and the thought of it almost made her sick. Amelia made her
focus back on her briefly, “it’s gonna be ok Carina, and we will walk her through everything
one thing at a time. First, we get her stable, then we tackle the next thing. For now, she is safe
with us and we are going to help her start healing.”

Carina leaned back down to Maya, “amore, they need to do some scans so they are going to
give you a small sedative just to help cuz some of the machines are very loud and we want to
avoid extra anxiety.”

“Ok, you’ll come with me right?”

“I can’t be next to the machine because it is dangerous for anyone not getting the images
done but I can talk to you from the area we run the software from. I won’t be far at all.” Maya
agreed and Amelia had her quickly moved upstairs and while Carina followed behind she
noticed Andy standing in the wait room looking both guilty and scared and Carina had to
force herself to swallow her anger and join her wife. She would deal with the crew at 19 later:
right now her wife needed her.
 When Holding Your Breath is Safer Than Breathing

By the time Maya had been placed in the CT machine the sedative given to her had her asleep
and it was the only small grace Carina could afford her wife at this exact moment, as she kept
her eyes glued to the screens that Amelia was also examining.

“It looks like normal swelling I would expect to see following blunt force trauma to the head.
It’s not good and her head is going to hurt for a while, but I am not seeing anything life
threatening. I will put dissolvable stiches on that wound and I want to keep her here for at
least 72 hours so I can scan her again and confirm the swelling went down.” Carina nodded,
her arms crossed in front of her, like she was trying to hug herself.

“We can get her settled in a room and when the sedative wears off we can see how she feels
about having an exam done.” Carina sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“She’s going to wake up scared and in pain only for me to tell her ‘bambina I know the worst
thing has happened to you today and clearly you need help, but first let’s drag you through a
very invasive process.”

Amelia rubbed Carina’s shoulder, “I know it seems cruel Carina and to be fair, it is. But it is
ok if she says no. We can always do it later. It wouldn’t help with DNA retrieval, but we can
always perform it at the request of the survivor.” Carina pulled away hearing the word
survivor and Amelia knew better than to push her luck.

“Before we get ahead of ourselves let’s get her comfortable and see what I can do for pain
management.” Carina agreed and followed her friend out of the room and followed her to the
room they were getting Maya set up in. Once the blonde was fully in the bed, Carina could
see that her wife was beginning to wake up slightly so she careful sat on the edge of the bed
closest to her.

“Did they do that test already?” Carina nodded, “si, you were asleep by the time they put you
in there so you slept through it, but I was in the booth with Amelia. She said there is swelling,
but nothing that shouldn’t go away naturally in a few days. Does your head hurt right now?”
Maya shut her eyes and winced slightly.

“Everything hurts right now.” Carina bit her lip, but tried to stay calm. “Amelia will be in
soon to talk about pain meds, among other things.” Maya finally opened her eyes the whole
way to look at her wife and Carina realized in that moment that in an effort to show Maya she
truly needed help, she, and everyone else, had pushed the blonde too far away to notice that
the life behind her eyes was no longer there. Of all the things Carina had to worry about in
that moment, the dull dark shade of blue that clouded her wife’s normally very expressive
eyes topped the list suddenly.

“Other things like what?” Carina held her wife’s hand that didn’t have the IV. “Like if you
want to have a rape kit done. And eventually someone from Psych will likely come evaluate
you as well.” Carina knew that being honest was the right thing to do, but it still broke her
heart when Maya immediately burst into tears.
“Carina, I know that I fucked up, but you can’t let them take me, please. I won’t do it
anymore! I just couldn’t breathe and work feels like a prison and you were so mad at me and
it felt like I lost everything that mattered and I just didn’t care anymore, but the clouds
weren’t working and it was the only way I felt like I could survive this.” Carina couldn’t
decide which part of Maya’s emotional plea to focus on because she never saw Maya come
undone to this level where she could barely understand what her wife was saying.

Carina gently placed her hands on either side of Maya’s face, careful to avoid her injury,
“Bambina, listen to me. Take a breath please.” For a reason unclear to Carina in that moment,
Maya’s tears increased and she immediately grabbed hold of her wife’s arms.

“I thought I’d never get to hear you call me that again. You haven’t said it to me for weeks
and I missed it. I know I should have told you about Robert and the chief, but god damn it
Carina I was so fucking mad. He keeps getting second chances and Ross gets to hold others
to standards she thumbs her nose at and I wanted them to be afraid for once. I wanted them to
be scared they would lose it all. I wanted them to feel an ounce of what I have felt every day
since he ruined our wedding. He made sure the best day of my life will always have a sadness
hanging over it because it was when I lost everything except for my wife. I know I should
have told you and I know what I did was wrong, but I had done everything by the book and it
was getting me nowhere. I’m so sorry I made you feel like I couldn’t trust you, but Carina if I
lost you for good I…couldn’t live life like that. I used to be able to do things alone, but now
the thought of doing life without you hurts in a way I can’t handle. You weren’t talking to
me, everyone at work has been leaving me in fires for weeks and I just couldn’t find reasons
to keep fighting Carina. I just couldn’t do it anymore.” Carina had tears running down her
face as Maya fumbled through her emotional outburst and Carina had to lay Maya’s head
against her pillow so her head was supported and so Carina could make her lock eyes with
her.

“Bambina. Listen to me, please. I know your brain is exhausted and that’s ok, all you have to
do is listen to my voice and look at me. Ok? Right in my eyes.” Maya’s gaze finally locked
with her wife, but Carina could see how much her anxiety still told her brain to look around
for threats.

“Good bambina. Breathe in for me through your nose and hold it for a few seconds, then
breathe out, ok? Just follow me.” Carina did the deep breathing with her wife and had to
make sure Maya followed her example. After doing this for about 3 minutes, Maya finally
seemed like she was no longer is the same frantic state she was when she first woke up.
Carina knew it was adrenaline wearing off as well as everything else, she just wished this all
was easier on her wife.

“Good. Now listen, you said a lot of stuff that didn’t make sense to me, but it all sounded
important to keeping you safe and getting you some help so lets start with things I do
understand, va bene?” Maya nodded.

“In the ER, you said you made appts with Diane for the next few weeks. Maya, that is huge
and I wish you would have told me. I could’ve helped support you.”

“I wasn’t sure you would believe me that I was talking to her until I could show you the appt
calendar she sent me the other day. But you had been sleeping here and I wasn’t sure you
wanted to hear from me.” Carina was seeing more and more in the conversation that giving
Maya the cold shoulder was not the way to communicate her anger.

“Maya, I should’ve handled this whole thing better. We both should have. I said things in
anger, that I didn’t mean to come out how I said them. I was triggered by my childhood and I
knew what to say to trigger yours and I did instead of telling you like a grown up that I was
angry at you, that I felt you needed help and that I needed you to get that help before we
added more stress into our lives.” Maya looked down at her hands and sighed.

“You called me ‘that’. You said you couldn’t start a family with that. It hurt, but you were
right. I thought about it. All the nights I slept at work, or just stayed there not sleeping. I
thought about how I create chaos whenever something bad happens. I see a problem and I
add gas onto the fire that is already burning and then I am shocked when I get burned.”

Carina was angry at herself for using the words she did that day on the roof. “Maya, I should
have never said what I said to you. You do sometimes add gas to the fire when things go
wrong, but do you know why I think you do that?” Maya shook her head no.

“Because you grew up in chaos, bambina. When chaos is all we have ever known, it is all
that makes us feel safe. It is familiar and it is the thing we can count on to always be there.
When things are calm and going well, we look for the other shoe to drop because it did; it
always did. Kids who were abused growing up deal with this everyday Maya and I think
we’ve reached the place where you need to start addressing it head on, instead of letting it
chase you and ruin the peace you made in your life. You deserve peace bambina. Your father
is not here anymore to hurt you and I know it isn’t fair, but now it’s your job to heal what he
hurt. But you do not have to do it alone. I am right here and Maya all I want is to help you
heal. That is what I wanted to say on the roof, but I let my anger out instead and that likely
didn’t help you understand that I NEVER wanted you to fight this battle alone. I wanted you
to let me in, but I ended up pushing you away and I am sorry for that. I know it doesn’t make
up for the last few weeks, but maybe that is something you and I can do together in therapy?”

“I hate that so much of our relationship has been me fucking up so badly we need to hire
therapists.” Carina gently refocused Maya’s eyes back on her.

“Maya. You made a mistake, yes, a big one this time, but we all make them. I have, you have,
and we will make more mistakes when we have kids. But you know what? No one else in my
life has ever made a mistake and been brave enough to own and get help for themselves.
They just let the pain fester. You are showing me that I matter, that our marriage matters.
Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of Maya. And I don’t think we need couples counseling
forever, but I think we need to learn how to communicating when we are in pain. Because we
cannot let it happen like this again where we hurt each other so bad someone almost dies.”

This reassurance seemed to allow Maya to take a deeper breath, “Nothing is more important
to me than you are Carina. Honestly. I always thought my job was all I had, and it was. Then
I met you and I suddenly had this reason for getting out of work on time because someone
was waiting for me at home. Someone cared if I lived or died. Someone wanted me to come
home because I mattered to them just as much as they mattered to me. You sort of runed this
idea that I needed to live and die as a firefighter. I never dreamt of living a life outside of that,
but suddenly I wanted to be a girlfriend and wife and then a mom. I guess I thought I loved
you so much that it would make everything I dealt with growing up not matter, but I guess
you really can’t outrun your past.” Maya seemed sad and far away again and Carina didn’t
want to let her wife sink back into shutting down.

“Maya, I never doubted how much you loved me, not once. I was tired of being asked to
watch you hurt and be in pain with the expectation that I would do nothing. But what you
said makes sense. Meeting you made me feel like everything that hurt me growing up never
happened, but it did bambina. It did happen and your love made it bearable, but it didn’t
make it disappear. I had to go to therapy and talk about those things, do you know why?”
Maya shook her head.

“Because you love grown up Carina DeLuca, but grown up me was not who was hurt by my
father. I had to heal the little girl in me that still wants his validation. I love every part of who
Maya Bishop is, but that is not who needs to heal the most bambina. So much of what is
hurting you now, is things that have never truly healed. If you don’t set a broken bone when it
breaks, it heals, but it heals in way that won’t last forever. When that happens, we have to re-
break the bone, but this time we show it exactly how we need it to heal so that no more pain
comes from it. Va bene?” Maya brushed tears away from her face and Carina gently ran her
thumb across her wife’s cheeks.

“Healing from this will hurt sometimes, but this time it will heal correctly and maybe one day
that little version of Maya Bishop will feel safe enough to let her pain no longer hurt you. But
you have to be the one to work through it Maya, for her sake, for yours and for ours. That is
what I meant by you needing help. You are like Wonder Woman in my eyes, but damn it
Maya, even Wonder Woman needs the Justice League.” Maya laughed for the first time all
day and realized she hadn’t laughed at all since the day on the roof. Carina smiled for the first
time all day and it felt genuine; hopeful even. Hope that despite the long road ahead, they
would figure it our together.

“You have to stop watching movies with Vic and Travis.” Carina smiled and kissed Maya’s
cheek, “I got the reference right, si?”

“You did.” Maya smiled, but looked down at her hands and she knew that while they had
ticked off the box of things they needed to discuss to heal as a couple, Carina had told her
that more decisions had to be made today and none of them were ones Maya was going to
like.

“Do you think they’ll lock me up cuz of these?” Maya held out her arms that had been
bandaged and Carina’s heart sank again, remembering that her wife had been silently going
through a hell that Carina missed completely.

“I do wish you wouldn’t see hospitalization as a punishment of them locking you or anyone
up. Sometimes it is a necessary step to take in keeping someone safe Maya. If you do not feel
like you can keep yourself safe, a higher level of care might be more beneficial than you
think.”

“I’m not crazy.” Carina looked at her wife and nodded, “I know that and this is not about
being crazy or not. Maya, Andrea had to be hospitalized several times to adjust his
medication safely. I’ve had many friends who have needed it in their life and for some of
them it saved their lives because if they had tried to do it alone, their brain was telling them
that the pain was too much and death was better than all this pain inside them. I don’t know
what your brain is telling you Maya, but if it is saying any of those types of things, sending
you home isn’t safe.” Carina could see more tears pop up and she waited for a while to let her
words sink in for Maya.

“Can’t they let me go home since you will be there? I mean assuming you still want me to
come home.” Carina swallowed the guilt she felt in that moment, “Maya, I always wanted
you to come home. Even when I was most angry, I wanted you home and safe with me, and I
am sorry I didn’t just come out and say that. I would be at home, but I am not a psychologist
bambina, and even if I were, you are my wife, and I can’t be involved in your care like that. I
can’t treat my family.”

Maya stayed quiet and kept running her finger up and down Carina’s hand and Carina used
the quiet to ask one of the many questions she had.

“Bambina, what did you mean when you said the cloud weren’t working.” Maya visibly
winced and Carina realized she might have hit a painful nerve, but one that would likely
point them in the direction of how best to help Maya.

“It was something I told Diane about, back when I first met her. When I used to travel for
track meets and for the Olympics I used to always take the window seat. I would look at the
clouds and they looked soft, warm and gentle and I started to think about what it would feel
like to just jump out and be in those clouds. Surrounded by that softness and gentleness that
was nowhere to be found in my life. It just looked so quiet and peaceful and thinking about
being in them forever would help me sleep. It became my way of coping with anxiety and my
dad, everything really: I would think about the clouds, about how dying would mean I could
sleep in them forever and it would give me peace and I could sleep. Diane asked me back
then if the clouds meant I wanted to kill myself; at the time they didn’t so I told her no.”

Carina didn’t want to ask a follow up question, but as a doctor she had to, but as Maya’s wife,
she feared the answer.

“What about now? When you think about the clouds now, you said they don’t work? What
does that mean for you bambina?” Maya looked down at her arms and seemed to actually be
thinking about what she had been doing to herself and Carina could tell that the trance her
wife had been stuck in had cracked and she was beginning to see how much pain she was
hiding under her self-harm and running behaviors.

“I…I don’t think the clouds are enough anymore. I tried to use them when everything fell
apart, and it helped a little, but then things got worse and I felt like I couldn’t breathe
anywhere and I couldn’t settle down to sleep unless I thought about…” Maya stopped herself
mid-sentence and looked at Carina like a bomb went off and suddenly Maya felt the full force
of her breakdown and exactly how much pain she had been in.

“What did you think about Maya?” Carina had tears in her eyes and Maya felt guilty , but
knew Carina already had an idea of what her wife was about to say and she owed Carina the
truth.
“The clouds weren’t enough on their own. I started cutting and it felt like I could breathe and
the pain felt validating I guess. And when I couldn’t sleep I would do it more and I would lay
there and think about how I was physically tired, how I didn’t want to fight anymore and how
I would do anything to just feel the clouds. Then it became me telling myself that it wouldn’t
really be so bad if I died in a fire; hero’s death at least. But then one day, I didn’t even really
notice it at first, it became me thinking that if I didn’t die in a fire, I needed to die some other
way because I couldn’t do this anymore. I was just too tired and I was done fighting. I just, I
just wanted it all to stop.” Maya seemed to be putting this together as she spoke and when she
said it out loud, Carina could see the look on her face change when she realized she had been
suicidal for almost a month and hadn’t been able to put it into words. Maya looked up at
Carina, noticing the tears and sad smile of encouragement and Maya’s tears started up all
over again.

“They aren’t going to let me go home, are they?” Carina shook her head no and seconds later
felt Maya fall forward into her embrace, finally letting out all the tears she had been stuffing
down for the last month. Carina wasn’t doing much better with her owns tears freely flowing
down her face after having to realize that Maya needed much more help than she had initially
thought and hating that their fight had kept Maya from telling her that she was thinking about
ending her own life. Carina gently moved Maya so she could lay next to her wife and she
allowed Maya to initiate as much contact as she wanted. The blonde clung to every part of
Carina she could hold and nestled her face in Carina’s neck as she cried. Carina held her wife
tightly, promising her, in English and Italian, that she was safe with her and it was safe for
her to fall apart. Eventually, she felt Maya begin to calm down and it was clear she was in
pain and tired.

“It’s ok bambina. You can sleep. I’ll be right here, ok? Just close your eyes.” Maya leaned
more into her wife, resting her head on Carina’s chest.

“Your heart is beating fast.” Carina smiled and brushed away her own tears, “si, because I
finally have my wife back in my arms where she belongs.”

“Your crazy wife.” Carina gently swatted Maya’s shoulder, “you are not crazy. People deal
with this everyday Maya; it doesn’t make them crazy. Everyone has a breaking point where
they need extra help Maya. While I wish it was not this, we happen to have arrived at yours.
It doesn’t mean you are crazy; it means you are hurting and need some extra help to get to the
other side of this.”

“You still love me even with all the broken parts of me?” Carina pressed her lips to Maya’s
head and gently squeeze her shoulders, “I love every single part of you Maya Bishop, even
the parts that are hurting right now and feel broken. I love all of you and that never stopped
being the case.” Maya yawned and melted into her wife, finally letting herself feel warm and
loved and protected.

“Bishop-DeLuca.” Maya always liked correcting people when they forgot to say both of her
last names and Carina couldn’t help but feel hope at that moment. “Si, I love every single part
of Maya Bishop-DeLuca.” Maya clearly passed out moment later and Carina allowed herself
to do the same. That was the scene that Amelia walked in one 20 minutes later and she knew
that when the couple woke up more heavy decisions needed to be made, but for now the one
gift she could offer her friends was a few more moments of peace. She shut off the lights and
told the nurses to page her when Maya woke up, but that otherwise the couple was to be left
alone. She didn’t know exactly what Maya and Carina had discussed, but the tear stained
cheeks told her that it was heavy and her better judgement told her that whatever it was it
could wait until the couple was awake to be addressed.
 Firefighter Barbie
Chapter Summary

Carina and Amelia discuss Maya's treatment and her mental health struggles.

Chapter Notes

TW: discussing sexual assault and mental health issue like suicidal thoughts and cutting.
Nothing in graphic detail.

Carina woke up about 2 hours later, noticing that Maya was still very much asleep, eyes still
slightly puffy from crying. Carina looked at her phone, happy to ignore the texts and calls
from station 19 members asking after her wife. Save for Ben who she knew had been trying,
everyone else seemed almost glad to let Maya self destruct without intervention. Carina knew
that Maya’s choices were her own, but there had been a breaking point where her friends
should have noticed and stepped in, if for no other reason to keep her safe in fires. They
saved Jack every single time he did something destructive and welcomed him home with
open arms. Robert should have lost his career and Maya stopped that from happening only to
be betrayed by him at every possible turn and now he gets to keep breaking rules with no one
saying a word. But her wife? Her Maya? She makes one mistake, an admittedly large one,
and is forever damned for it. No second chances. No team there to help her heal and grow
past that moment. No family ready to save her from herself. Everyone at 19 got a second
chance except her wife and Carina was done pretending she wasn’t furious at all of them for
it. She had missed many of the signs too, but they saw Maya more hours in the day and they
watched as Beckett abused his power and none of them did anything and worse, none of them
thought to tell her how far Maya was slipping and that, she could not easily forgive. Not yet
anyway.

Carina quickly fired a text off to Ben with info that Maya was stable, and that any info shared
with him needed to not be shared with 19 until Carina agreed to it. Ben of course assured
Carina that he would not share any of Maya’s condition with his team unless Carina did so
first and to please let him know if he could offer any support to his friend or to Carina
herself. Carina thanked him and tucked her phone away right as Amelia walked in to check
on Maya.

“It’s good she is still sleeping, according to when they brought her in she has been not getting
much sleep at all. That Captain that replaced her has been treating her like it rush week at a
frat house and Andy said it crossed the line a long time ago from hazing to abuse.”
“And yet they did nothing to stop it!” Carina didn’t mean to snap at her friend and Amelia
knew that, deep down agreeing that while Maya had been pushing help away, the people who
claimed to love her, had a funny way of showing it.

“I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve me chomping at you.” Amelia smiled, “Snapping at me, and
it’s ok, I would snap too if this happened to my ridiculously hot wife.” Carina smiled slightly
at the comment.

“You too seemed like you were able to talk about things earlier. Anything good come out of
that?” Carina nodded.

“It was hard, but we needed to have had that conversation months ago when I first saw
something was wrong, but I was so mad at her I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

Amelia nodded, “she did something rash and stupid Carina, you are allowed to be mad, but
the first step in you both healing and getting past this together is you guys talking about how
it got this far. Speaking as someone who has done far far worse than what Maya did, if
anyone had taken the time to listen before they judged me, maybe things would have been
different, maybe not. Point is, when someone is self-destructing this hard, there is always
some underlying pain that needs to be seen before it gets healed. I don’t know Maya like you
do, but I am a champion of letting my trauma eat away at me until I hate myself. I didn’t care
if I lived or died, I sure as shit didn’t care if I threw my family and career away. Caring about
those things hurt because what happened to me if I lost it all and was all alone and sober?
Then what?” Carina was quiet, giving Amelia space to make her point and share the ways she
understood Maya’s position and how there is hope to be found even in this situation.

“I needed a kick in ass, but I also needed someone, anyone to not give up on me even though
I was trying to push them away. 19 fucked up, they backed a chief who is clearly fucking a
subordinate as well as an alcoholic Captain who drinks on the job while abusing your wife.
She may have created some chaos for herself, but in her defense, they made sure she had no
safe place to escape it. Shit the safest place for her was probably in a fire.”

Carina had not thought of what things like that. She yelled about how Maya makes chaos, but
never thought about how for over a year, chaos was what she was surrounded by on all sides.

“It felt like it did when she was young, with her father. Every moment she was awake in his
house she had to be the best or she had to be afraid. Just fear 24/7. I thought she was running
away from her trauma. Never occurred to me that she was literally trapped in it all over again,
with new people in charge of abusing her.”

“Animals backed into a corner tend to bite Carina. It’s a survival instinct. Maya had been in
that corner for a long time and when Robert got promoted over her I think it broke her spirit
more than anyone thought. The hope she had for a fair shot was gone. She felt like there was
no hope, so she did what any scared animal does when it is backed into a corner with no way
out. It does what it has to to survive. She did something dangerous and impulsive, but not
because she was stupid, its because it was the only way out she saw. She felt trapped all over
again and this time she is all grown up so she pushed back this time. You have every right to
be furious she didn’t come to you or handle this correctly, but you know what, the survivor in
me respects the shit out of her drive to get out of that corner alive.” Carina had not paused
long enough in the last 6 months to think about any of what Amelia just pointed out only
know bare minimum facts about the situation. She had to admit, what her friend pointed out
certainly fit with Maya’s trauma and her tendency to shut down when she feels like she is in a
fight alone.

“You are right, about a lot of things and I will discuss those with her later because I suspect
you are right about how her past is coming up in this, but here is my problem now. She
doesn’t want to survive. She’s been going through hell for months to the point that dying felt
peaceful to her, she wanted it. She hurt herself because she felt she deserved to suffer to feel
peace Amelia! I don’t know what to say to make her want to keep fighting when she is so
beaten down and tired. I just don’t want to lose her.” Carina was trying to whisper and not
yell, but Amelia got the point anyway and allowed her friend to hug her tightly and cry out of
fear and frustration.
“I don’t think you are going to lose her. She is here with us right now and she is safe. We are
going to help her heal from this: both physically and mentally.” Carina pulled away from her
friend and dried some of her tears.

“She had set up appointments with her therapist for months in advance, but she didn’t think I
would believe her.”

“Well, that’s encouraging Carina. She listened to you saying that she needs help. The fact that
she accepted the help on her own without you looking, means that there is still some fight in
her: she has not given up yet. Judging by what you said, when Psych talks to her they will
hospitalize her for a few days, but I think that might be good for her Carina. It’ll give her
space to be hurt, scared and honest about her mental health. Sometimes hitting rock bottom is
a good place to launch your healing from. And for right now if she needs to fight to stay alive
for you, let her. Let your love be the thing that lets her start wanting to live for something
again. In time she will remember to live for herself.”

“You are right.” Amelia smiled, “I usually am. Now, not to be the one to only ask heavy
questions, but any idea if she will want a rape kit done.” Carina opened her mouth to say she
wasn’t sure, but someone beat her to it.

“No thank you.” Carina turned around to see Maya awake and rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

“Bambina, are you sure?” Maya nodded, “they take forever, and I just can’t handle anything
that invasive right now on top of everything else. If it’s possible, can you just have a doctor
check to see if anything needs medical attention?” Amelia nodded.

“Of course we can. I can have someone perform a basic pelvic exam just to evaluate any
injuries. Shouldn’t be any worse than a pap smear, but just to prep you, after an assault it can
still trigger some intense anxiety or trauma responses. I just don’t want you to be surprised if
you have a reaction to the exam. And they take orders from you on this kind of thing, ok?
You say stop and they stop.” Maya nodded and looked to Carina.

“It’s ok if you don’t want to be there when they do it.” Carina offered her wife a sad smile
and went close enough to the bed to gently touch Maya’s hand. “You get to tell me what you
want bambina. If you want me to stay with you, then I stay with you. If you want some
privacy, I will go grab some real coffee and come back when they are done. So, you tell me
where you want me to be.”

Maya lip quivered slightly and it broke Carina’s heart. “I want you here with me.” Carina
nodded and brushed some more tears away from Maya’s eyes, gently kissing her wife’s hand.

“Then I stay here with you. Simple as that.” Carina said it firmly, telling Maya that her mind
had been made up and so long as Maya wanted her there, Carina could handle supporting her
wife and that the old memories of her past trauma would simply have to take a back seat this
once because her wife needed her and that, Carina could simply not ignore.
 When Letting Go is Stranger Than Keeping
Chapter Summary

Maya getting assessed for physical injuries and Carina seeing how many people will
show up for her family when called.

Amelia had gotten an exam room set up for Maya to be seen in and promised the firefighter
that she would have a chance to meet the doctor who would do the exam and she had every
right to refuse the exam if she felt uncomfortable at any point. Carina was more than a little
shocked to see Jo walk into the room and greet both of them.

“Today is your day off, what are you doing here?” Jo offered Carina a gentle smile, “my
friend and her wife needed help, so Amelia sent out the bat signal. Bailey agreed to move my
day off to tomorrow and I would’ve still come even if she hadn’t.” Carina wanted to hug her
friend, but couldn’t bring herself to leave her spot next to Maya so she nodded her head and
swallowed the fresh tears that threatened to spill. Jo accepted the silence and glanced at Maya
while she put on some gloves.

“Hey Maya, they asked me to come in and give you a general exam to see if you need any
medical attention after what happened. Is that still something you would like to have done?”
Maya felt a brief flash of relief that the person helping her was someone she not only knew,
but was someone her wife taught, thereby being the best choice after Carina herself.

“Yeah. I know that the regular full kits take a long time and I just can’t do it right now. But I
don’t want to be injured or something like that and not know.” Jo nodded and noted the look
of relief on Carina’s face when Maya mentioned wanting to catch anything before it could
become more life threatening. It offered her a brief moment of hope that Maya had thoughts
of the future which given the conversation they were going to have to have with psych was
important.

“Of course. Basically, we will have this be like your regular yearly exam, but I am going to
be a bit more vocal. So I am going to tell you when you are about to feel my hand, my
fingers, etc. If something hurts I want you to tell me, scale of 1 to 10, and if you need me to
stop you just say the word and I will. We can take breaks if doing it all at once is too much.
You are in the driver’s seat here, ok?”

“I just want to get it over with. I’d rather not stop.” Jo nodded as she got ready. “I totally get
it, but I just like telling folks what their options are especially because we never know when
trauma will pop up in these exams, so if you feel yourself having any kind of response that
feels overwhelming, please say something, to me or to Carina. You have been through
enough today, ok? I am not in the business of making it any worse.” Maya only answered
with a nod and that was good enough for Jo.
“Ok, so I am going to go from the outside in so that way we ease into things best we can ok?”
Maya nodded and Jo smiled at her, “great, but do me a favor. Try you best to answer yes or
no for me, that way I don’t miss you trying to tell me to stop or telling me something doesn’t
feel right. And if you can’t maybe you can give Carina’s hand a tight squeeze to let her know
that I need to slow down or stop. Sound fair?” Maya took a deep breath and managed a tired,
“yes.”

Jo settled at Maya’s feet and Carina checked things off in her mind as Jo did them. She
clearly announced to Maya where she would be feeling her head, when she needed to move
her fingers and Maya did her best to be vocal in her responses to Jo’s questions.

“Maya, I am done with everything outside, but I really need to look inside and see if there is
any vaginal tearing or anything else to be concerned about. Now I can use my hands or I can
use the speculum, but sometimes that is triggering for people.”

Maya looked overwhelmed at the question and looked at Carina, “what do you think I should
do?”

“Well, using the equipment would allow Jo to see more and get a cervical swab which can be
helpful in making sure things are ok, but the pressure it creates can be a bit much for
someone who experienced the assault so recently. It can be done either way bambina, you get
to decide.” Maya looked back to Jo.

“Can we try it with it and if it’s too much I can tell you?”

“You bet we can. I am going to warm it up best I can, so it is less shocking.” While Jo did
that and got resettled, she repeat her warnings to Maya of where she would feel her hand.

“Ok Maya, I am going to insert it and it will feel like pressure for a few seconds ok. I will
leave it there to let you adjust and if its too much you just say so and we take it away.”
Maya’s face grimaced when she felt the pressure and Carina offered her wife a reassuring
squeeze and Maya’s grip was suddenly much stronger.

“You are almost done bambina, just stay with me and keep breathing, ok? You are doing so
good and Jo just has to check a few things and then we can be done.” Maya was too stuck in
her panic to answer Carina with anything more than more squeezing on her hands.

“Ok Maya, I am all done and I can take the speculum out now ok? So take a deep breath in
and when you breathe out I will gently remove it.” Carina helped coach Maya to a half deep
breath and it was enough for Jo to remove the equipment and allow Maya to sit up and not
feel so exposed.

“You did really well Maya. I know that exam can be hard on our best day and it can be
incredibly hard when we experience trauma, but you did great.” Carina had been holding
Maya’s hand while she let her wife get comfortable sitting, but until now she didn’t realize
that Maya had stopped gripping her hand as tightly. Carina had thought it meant that Maya
did need the same support her strong grip had suggested earlier, but looking at her wife now,
that wasn’t the case. It wasn’t that Maya didn’t need support, it was that she was mental not
there. The blonde was looking straight ahead at the door and when both doctors looked at her,
it was clear she had dissociated to the point where Maya was somewhere in her head that
seemed safer than real life.

“Maya? Can you come back to the room with myself and Carina? We are all done with the
exam and you did so great.” Maya didn’t seem to register anything Jo said, prompting Carina
to stand in front of her wife and gently tilt her head up to meet Carina’s gaze.

“Bambina, it’s ok to come back here, ok? No more physical exams and you are nice and safe
here with me and with Jo. I just need you to listen to my voice and look at me.” Carina
repeated variations of this a few times, also throwing in words of comfort in Italian and after
about two minutes Maya seemed to be able to focus her eyes on her wife. Carina saw the
flash of fear in Maya’s eyes, before the blonde realized she was in fact safe with her wife.

“I hate this. I don’t like my brain blacking out randomly. I just want to be back to normal.”
Carina nodded and rubbed Maya’s cheek.

“I know it can be scary bambina, and we will get you to a place where you start to feel better,
but it will take time. You have been pushing your body too hard and then this happened and
your brain is trying to protect you. But our brains do not have context of the situations we are
in; they just sense danger and instantly go to keep us safe. The downside is it does that
without asking us first or telling us what is going on.”

“My brain sounds like an asshole.” Maya cracked a smile and Carina chuckled. “In a way it
is, but at the end of the day it’s job is to keep you safe enough to come back to me and it did
that today. So it’s not always an asshole. Va bene?” Maya nodded.

“Can we go back to my room now? I feel like I am about to fall asleep sitting here.” Jo
interjected, “of course you can. I touch base later if anything comes back questionable, but
from what I felt and saw, there is nothing to be concerned about. Sadly, the injuries are
consistent with assault, but were not so severe they require anything more than some pain
killers and rest to heal from.”

“Thank you for coming in to help me.” Maya couldn’t bring herself to look Jo in the eye and
Jo offered a sad smile in return. “Maya, people do this sort of thing for the people they care
about. I wish more than anything this had not happened to you, but if I could help I wanted
to. I know you have a lot to deal with right now, but take it from someone who has been in a
very similar dark place: getting help is so much less painful than living like a shell of a
person because living feelings too hard. You didn’t deserve this Maya and I promise, as
someone who had to accept mental health care in a crisis, I promise you that the deep sadness
in your chest that feels like you can’t breathe, it will get lighter. But you have to give yourself
permission to heal.” Maya studied Jo carefully and sighed.

“I don’t want them to think I am this crazy woman who can’t handle life.” Jo nodded, “I get
that, but you aren’t crazy Maya; you are in pain certainly, but you are not crazy. And you are
handling life, but the way you are going about it is not sustainable. I stayed in bed for weeks
at my lowest point so it looks different for everyone, but look at me. I went into a psych ward
because I needed help, do you think I am crazy?”

Maya shook her head, “no.”

“You and I and people who need higher levels are care are not crazy Maya. We live in a
world that is not always kind and when we find ourselves more overwhelmed by the bad,
sometimes it takes other people helping us to realize that we deserved better and that maybe,
not everything is garbage.” Maya laughed at that comment and Jo stepped closer to her,
careful not to touch her.

“You are going to be ok Maya. I know right now that is hard to believe, but you will. You
have a loving and stubborn wife and you have friends. I know work hasn’t been fair to you
lately, but you have friends here too. Let the people who you save all the time, save you for
once.” Jo nodded to Carina and left the room.

“Ready to go back to your room bambina?” Maya nodded and before she let Carina help her
into her wheelchair she grabbed Carina’s hand.

“Do you think they’ll send someone from psych down today?” Carina held Maya’s hand a
little tighter.

“I don’t know bambina. If it were any other patient they would, but if word got to them about
who you are, they may extend a professional courtesy to give us an extra day to let you
physically be stronger. If they come down today we can ask if it is possible for them to come
tomorrow morning. They can say no, but it won’t hurt to ask.” Maya nodded.

“I know I have to talk to them and I know what’s likely going to happen, but I don’t think I
can handle it on top of this. It’s too much.” Carina nodded, “I think that would be a fair
request. I will call the on call psychologist when we get to your room. And we will go from
there. Va bene?”

“Va bene.” Maya offered a small smile and Carina decided it was more than enough to give
her hope for Maya’s recovery.
 When Innocent Words Turn To Lies And You Can't Hide By
Closing Your Eyes
Chapter Summary

Psych consult that has been pushed as far back as possible finally occurs. TW:
discussion of suicidal thoughts and self harm

Chapter Notes

I am so sorry for the wait everyone. I have been not doing well mental health wise and
this chapter just wouldn't have been safe for me to write in the head space I was in so I
appreciate the patience.

TW: discussion of suicidal thoughts and self harm

As promised, when the couple returned to Maya’s room, Carina called the on call psychiatrist
and she agreed that as long as Maya stayed checked in to the hospital she would delay the
psych consult by 24 hours to give Maya a day to rest and prepare mentally for what laid
ahead. Maya was given mild pain killers at her request and was given anxiety medication at
Carina’s insistence, explaining to her wife that pushing away help didn’t make her strong, if
anything it would make this crisis last longer and Maya deserved some peace. Maya agreed
and that was what finally allowed her and her wife to fall asleep. A nurse would come in
every few hours to check on both women and re-administer Maya’s medication, but
otherwise they were allowed more space than the average patient.

In the morning, Carina woke up first and after asking Amelia to sit with Maya for a bit while
she went to get coffee and change clothes, she returned to find one of the psychologists from
the psych department standing outside Maya’s room making quick notes on a tablet. As
Carina came to stop in front of the door, the other young doctor smiled and extended her
hand, “Dr. DeLuca-Bishop? I’m Dr. Knight, one of the psychologist from upstairs.”

“I would normally say it’s nice to meet you, but given everything that’s happened, I’m not
my usual professional self. So I am sorry if I come off a bit blunt, it’s just been a long few
days, capping off 6 months of bullshit and I’m very tired of my wife getting the short end of
the branch.”

The other doctor smiled, “I think you mean stick, but I absolutely get it and no offense taken.
I tend to meet people on some of the hardest days of their lives so I never take it personally if
they don’t want to join my fan club right away.”

Carina smiled, “thank you, and I am sorry, I don’t like being snappy with anyone, I know you
are just here to help my wife.”

“Like I said Dr. DeLuca-Bishop, psych consults can be overwhelming for folks and can be
scary on top of people already not feeling like themselves. My job is to make sure they are
safe and if they aren’t it’s also my job to figure out how we get them there.” Carina began to
tear up slightly at this and quietly responded with, “my wife isn’t safe.”

The other doctor nodded her head and offered Carina small packet of tissues from her pocket,
“from the consult notes I saw, I would agree. That’s why I am here though. So how about you
head in there when you are ready and I will wait out here until Maya feels comfortable with
me joining you. The nurses said she was still asleep and I would hate to be the one to wake
her only to then have to ask a bunch of hard questions.”

Carina nodded and after composing herself and finishing her coffee in three gulps, she
slipped into Maya’s room. Maya was sitting up in bed and Amelia looked like she was about
to help her stand.

“Just in time. Maya needed to use the bathroom before rounds started and even though she
isn’t attached to much, I didn’t want to do something wrong, so if you two are ok I will bow
out and check on you later?” Carina nodded and thanked their friend before helping Maya up
out of bed and into the bathroom.

Maya used the bathroom and brushed her teeth with Carina standing by just in case the meds
were still causing her to be a bit unsteady on her feet.

“Who were you talking to outside? I heard your voice and someone else’s.” Carina helped
Maya back into bed and gestured to the door. “The psychologist was about to come check on
you when I came back, but she didn’t want to disrupt you if you were still sleeping.”

Maya looked instantly scared all over again and looked at Carina with a pleading glance,
“you won’t let them take me somewhere like the shit we hear on the news, right? Like they
just want me upstairs?” Carina’s heart broke for her wife and for herself, remembering
similar conversations with Andrew when it first became clear he needed more help than
Carina could give.

“First of all, those hospitals should never exist for anyone because no one can heal
somewhere they don’t feel safe, but to answer your question: absolutely not. I would never let
them place you anywhere I didn’t think was safe and equipped to help you learn to heal
bambina. Secondly, the psychologist they sent down seems very kind and she is just here to
help you Maya, not punish you for having the thoughts and feelings you’ve been struggling
with.”

“It’s a female doctor, right?” Carina’s heart sunk a little deeper into her stomach as she
nodded, “it is and if you were admitted upstairs they would do their best to make sure any
direct contact staff are women, but there are a few interns, doctors and staff up there that
aren’t so you would just need to communicate with them about how safe you feel ok?”
Maya nodded, “ok. You’ll stay here while I talk to her, right?” Carina nodded, “if you want
me to. If you need some space to talk about certain things you just tell me and I will go get
more coffee ok?”

Maya nodded and smiled slightly, “you know once you get pregnant you can’t slam 4 Italian
coffees in a row to get through the day.” Carina leaned over the bed and smiled, “then I
should do it as much as I can now, si? That way when we are expecting a bambini, I can
resist the urge.” Carina punctuated her point giving Maya a brief kiss, causing the blonde to
smile more honestly.

“You can let her in, I guess. No sense in dragging things out.” Carina squeezed Maya’s hand
once more before going to the door and bringing the psychologist in to meet Maya.

“Bambina this is Dr. Knight, she is one of the psychologist from our psych department.” The
psychologist smiled and extended her hand toward Maya. “It’s nice to meet Maya. Is it ok if I
use your first name?”

“Well only Carina gets to call me bambina, so you better stick to Maya.” Maya shot Carina a
flirty smile and her wife rolled her eyes as she returned the smile. “Sorry, I use humor when I
am uncomfortable and I have never been more uncomfortable than right now so that might
happen more than once.”

The psychologist smiled, “lots of my patients use humor when they are going through
something hard and I think humor can be healing, but only if we don’t hide behind it. Fair
enough?”

Maya nodded, “I can do that.”

“Good deal. Maya I spoke with your wife briefly outside and explained that I am the one who
will be doing the consult today. Given the self-injury lacerations you came in with, along
with what you and your wife have reported to staff in terms of your state of mind lately, there
are quite a few people worried about you and if you don’t mind, I’d like to hear about what
has been going on and how things led to the morning you were assaulted?” Maya looked
slightly pale and looked over at Carina who sat in a nearby chair.

“I can ask Dr. DeLuca-Bishop to step out if you would prefer.” The answer to that well
intended question was Maya almost shouting, “no!” To her credit the therapist didn’t flinch
she just nodded, “no problem, your wife can stay here if that is what will make you feel
safer.”

“She is the only person or thing that makes me feel safe anymore.” Carina kissed the top of
Maya’s head before resuming her seat.

“Can you tell me more about that? It’s great that you see your wife as your safe place, but if
we ever feel like we only have one person we are safe with, that can be incredibly lonely or
isolating. Do you feel safe anywhere else?”

“No. Not anymore.” Maya explained everything that had happened with her demotion and the
Chief. Explaining how things had become untenable at work, leading to her seeking out more
and more destructive means of self-soothing. The psychologist didn’t miss how guilty Carina
looked when Maya mentioned she had been cutting herself for months without anymore
noticing because Carina had been working opposite shifts on purpose, never realizing that
this time space was not what Maya needed, no matter what her behavior suggested.

“Can I ask you some questions about the cutting?” Maya shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t
think I am allowed to say no to your questions.”

The psychologist shook her head, “not true. You have the same rights as every other patient
Maya. You can say that you don’t want to discuss it or that you cannot answer that right now.
Hell, you can tell me to fuck off. You are still in control of your story, even when someone
like me is asking about it.”

“Yeah, but if I tell you everything, you’ll lock me up for three days.”

“What’s worse: being hospitalized for three days or spending those three days trying to white
knuckle your way through wanting to hurt yourself?”

“I don’t have Carina with me if I am in the hospital.” The doctor nodded, “that is true you
wouldn’t have her except during visiting hours, but I bet she would make her support clear
even from far away. And Maya, to speak plainly, sometimes people need time away from the
family or friends to begin to learn how to cope with things and heal better. Its no dig against
your family, but sometimes we pretend things are ok to spare others pain, all the while we are
going through absolute hell internally and we refuse to let them see it.”

“So, what? You want to see the pain I have going on inside my brain? You really want to hear
and see the shit I hide from my wife because it scares me to say those things out loud to
myself and I have to protect her from those things?” Carina moved to stand up to soothe
Maya and the psychologist gestured for her to stop.

“You love your wife Maya, no one can question that. I am not trying to pry into your life to
judge you. You have been through a lot and I am asking you to share parts of your life with
me. Tell me about the things that scare you if you want. I can hold those things for you until
you feel strong enough to take them back. I just want to know what brought you to a place
where cutting yourself allowed you to feel relief. So, yes, I want to see your pain.”

“My career was basically over and no one gave a shit. My team turned a blind eye to all of it.
People I sacrificed for and fought to protect didn’t give a shit about me when the person
pulling the strings could ruin them next if they came to defend me. I fought for myself and
was told to stop trying while my boss fucked a subordinate, and I went home every god damn
day KNOWING that my wife was so mad at me she saw me as this thing that just brings
chaos everywhere. I couldn’t handle it anymore so I swallowed that chaos so it couldn’t
fucking hurt her anymore. I just fucking swallowed it!” Maya had angry tears rolling down
her face and once again Carina wondered if now wasn’t the time to jump in and hold her wife
and tell her things would be ok. She stayed in her chair only because Dr. Knight shook her
head, silently encouraging her to let the damn break for Maya, if for no other reason than to
allow her to finally say everything out loud and no longer hold it till it hurts.
“Swallowing all that pain and disappointment to save the people you love was noble Maya,
but how did you help yourself cope with all of that?”

“I ran. All the time I ran. Just like my father trained into me. You run until you collapse
because only losers stop just because their body hurts. When the running wasn’t enough I
needed something to get all that crap out of me for a while without bringing Carina or anyone
else down with me.”

“Is that when the cutting started?” Maya nodded, “it was mixing a runner’s high and an
endorphins high. So as long as I was hurting myself and pushing my body until I couldn’t
anymore, it felt tolerable.”

“When did it get out of control?”

Maya scoffed, “it was never under control. Even I can admit that.”

“When the cutting happened, was it only about hurting yourself and feeling to rush of
adrenaline? Where there ever time your thoughts drifted to doing more than cutting?”

“Are you asking me if I ever thought about dying while I did it?” The doctor calmly nodded
her head, “I am.”

Maya looked at Carina and burst into harder tears, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to leave you, I
swear I didn’t, but fucking hell Carina, everything hurt all the time. Work wasn’t safe
anymore and you were still so mad at me so home wasn’t safe either. I was just stuck and I
couldn’t bear the idea that I was doing things that would hurt you. I just didn’t want to fail
any more than I already had. I just wanted the shit to stop.” Carina didn’t bother checking if it
was ok to comfort her wife. She perched herself on the bed with Maya and held her wife’s
head in her hands.

“Maya, listen to me. I was mad at what you did, but only because you did something and kept
it from me. I let my anger talk louder than my heart and I never wanted to do that to you. I’m
sorry for calling you ‘that’ and our kids are going to have the best mother in you. But before
we bring home a new baby, we have to heal my first bambina, ok? You don’t have to swallow
anything anymore amore mio. Never again ok? What you do have to do is be honest about
things because I can’t lose any more people bambina, and you deserve peace. I would burn
Seattle to the ground to help find you peace, but it’s the one thing I cannot give you. You
have to want it for yourself. You have to let people help you communicate and heal from all
that pain safely.”

“No more clouds?” Carina shook her head and kissed Maya gently before confirming, “si
bambina, no more clouds.” Carina gently touched her forehead to Maya’s before sitting back
down in her chair.

“Would it be ok if I asked you a few more questions Maya? You are doing a really good job
and I know this is hard and probably exhausting, but I just have a few more questions.” Maya
nodded.

“Ok. When you had thoughts of killing yourself did you have begin to form a plan?”
“If I was cutting I would think about cutting deeper or in a way where it would’ve been hard
to address in the ER.”

“Did those thoughts of suicide come up when you weren’t cutting?”

Maya nodded, “last week, every fire we went into, I thought about not fighting it and just
dying in the flames. Told myself at least then I would die a hero and they would likely bury
me as a Captain to hide the truth from the press.” Carina felt her heart plumet at how far
Maya went with that thought. Enough to envision a funeral. One that Carina would have had
to plan.

“Any other specific plans Maya or were those the strongest ones?”

“They were the two that I could never get to go away with running or meditating or sleeping.
They just say there.” Maya played with her fingers before looking at the psychologist.

“Am I crazy?” The other young woman shook her head no. “Not even a little bit Maya. You
are clearly in a great deal of psychological pain and I think maybe are dealing with some
things that got overlooked in your childhood, but you aren’t crazy.”

Maya opened her mouth a few times to ask her next question, but it took a while before she
could manage to ask it. “If I go into the hospital, will I loose my job?”

“Nope and if they tried to fire you, you would have the best wrongful termination suit ever.
That said, they will not find out from us where you are Maya. The only person who would
know if your wife. Everyone else would likely be told that you sustained such intense
physical injuries that you need to be in the hospital until such time as the doctor believe you
can independently move around at home.”

“Can I ask you another question?” The psychologist smiled and nodded, “fair is fair Maya. I
asked you all my questions. Ask away.”

“If I chose to admit myself, would it still be considered an involuntary hospitalization?”

Carina’s eyebrows almost left her face she was so shocked to hear the question.

“Nope. If you feel as though you would be safer in the care of a professional team to help
stabilize you, then it’s a voluntary hospitalization. Can I ask why that is important to you?”

Maya looked at Carina, “I know you need me to want to live for myself, but right now I am
doing this so I don’t ever hurt you again by leaving. I want to do this because I want to be
alive to hold our baby. I want to do this because having these thoughts in my head all the time
scares the hell out of me and I want them to go away, and my way hasn’t worked. I want to
try their way for you, and our marriage, and our family. Is that ok if I start there and work up
to doing it for myself?” Carina returned to Maya’s bed and grabbed her hands tighter than she
had intended.

“Maya, listen to what you just said to me. You said you want to get help for me, our marriage
and our family. Amore, that includes you. It may not feel like it right now, but you making
this choice is you wanting to live for yourself and the future you and I are building. But on
the days when its hard for you to love yourself like that, then of course you can live for me.
You are doing what no one else has ever done Maya: you fought for me and then made
choices to live for me even when it was painful to you. That kind of love is something that
lasts forever, va bene?”

Maya nodded and Carina kissed her before sitting back down. Maya looked at the
psychologist and took a deep breath.

“If I go home, I cannot promise any of you I would stay safe and if anything, I would
probably have an even harder time given the assault. So, sign whatever paper you have to; I
need to get some help because right now my brain wants to die, but I don’t want to.” Dr.
Knight smiled and made a few notes on her tablet.

“Maya, I know it may not feel like it now, but you choosing this for yourself is a step towards
learning some better ways to cope. I know you are scared and that this feels like a
punishment and sadly that because a lot of places have given inpatient care a bad name. It’s
ok to be scared and to be wary of this situation, but we have worked very hard to make sure
our program fosters health and healing, not militant punishment for something we can’t
control. We are just a bunch of people who want to help you get stabilized and map out the
next steps of how to keep you feeling healthy. I just want to be clear that you are in no way in
trouble for this, ok? This is about keeping you alive long enough to see that there might be
some hope on the other side of this.” Maya nodded her head along with the doctor’s words
and without much warning burst into tears, promoting Carina to permanently join her on the
bed and rock Maya gently as she cried and eventually calmed down.

“Before I leave can I ask you one more question Maya?” The somewhat calmer firefighter
nodded while Carina rubbed her back.

“What part of what I said to you caused the tears? Not that there is a thing wrong with crying
of course, but it seems like I said something that stuck a deeper cord with you.”

“You said I wasn’t in trouble.”

“I did say that and you aren’t in trouble.”

“Before Carina and I met, I wasn’t in a place where I could fall apart and not have be seen as
weakness or failure. Crying, mental illness, all of it would get you trouble.”

“I see. Do you have to be in that place anymore?” Maya shook her head no.

“Good. Because you deserve to be in places where it is safe for you to fall apart and ask for
help Maya. We all deserve that and sometimes we just need some extra help.” Maya nodded,
but was no longer looking the other doctor in the eye so the psychologist knew her patient
was done.

“Your medical team wants to keep you for another 24 hours to make sure your brain scans are
normal, and everything appears to be healing from a medical standpoint. Once they start
discharging you from here, I will come down and help get the paperwork finished to have
you admitted upstairs with us, ok?” Again, the doctor was met with a curt nod and Carina
shot the doctor an apologetic look that the psychologist waved away. This was nothing new
for her and she knew that these consults were not easy and often took a lot out of the patient
so being met with silence was not anything she hadn’t seen before.

Once the psychologist said her goodbyes, Carina helped Maya lay back down in bed, but the
blonde was holding onto Carina with a vice grip.

“Bambina, it’s ok. I am going to lay down with you, I just need to turn off the lights and then
I will be right back with you.” Carina did so quickly and returned to the bed and settled in so
that Maya could basically lay on her chest.

“I’m sorry I brought this into our lives Carina.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong Maya. You never got to accept help growing up and then life
continued to be very traumatic for you. You deserve that help your father robbed you of and
you deserve to come home every day and know that no matter what you are safe in our home,
and safe with me.” There was a long silence and Carina had thought Maya had fallen asleep,
but after about ten minutes the blonde snuggled closer to Carina and very clearly said, “I
don’t want to die Carina.”

Carina swallowed some tears as she firmly kissed the top of Maya’s head. “Then that is
where we start bambina. That’s where we start.”
 Like A Kiss From The Lips Of A Monster
Chapter Summary

Carina lets Andy and Vic in just a little bit, in an effort to build up Maya's support. But
not before she tells them how she feels.

Carina had just gotten home from her shift at the hospital which she was able to end with a
quick visit to psych unit to see Maya before heading home for the night. The blonde’s
medical scans continued to be clear and the next day she kept her word and voluntarily
admitted herself to the inpatient psych unit. Carina remembered helping Maya gather her
things to head upstairs and the blonde was more calm than Carina expected her to be, except
for when they were done packing her bag and they had a few minutes of silence in the room
as they waited for the transfer paperwork.

“You’ll…you’ll come visit me right? Like if visiting hours lines up with your schedule?”
Carina took Maya’s hand and kissed it gently, “I will visit you everyday during visiting hours.
I already made my schedule fit that, so unless there is an emergency that Jo cannot handle,
you will see me there for both sets of visiting hours ok? And you can also call and tell me it’s
not a good day to visit bambina. Andrea used to have hard days where therapy was hard that
day and he needed space to process things. You won’t hurt my feelings if you tell me that you
need some space to work on things that you are learning there.”

“I think I’d rather see you on the days that are hard than be by myself.”

“I know. I just want you to know, you have the option to ask for what you need bambina,
even if that means telling me that you need something other than me.” Maya nodded and
played with the zipper on her hoodie like she was nervous.

“You’ll come pick me up right?” Carina tilted her head, not understand the question.

“When I get discharged from the psych unit, you…you are gonna come pick me up right?”
Carina couldn’t put her finger on way her wife sounded different, but it almost sounded like a
much younger version of her wife was asking her this question and was scared of the answer.

“Si, of course I will, why wouldn’t I come pick you up?” Maya shrugged her shoulders and
tried to act aloof about it. “I just don’t want to wake up the day I am supposed to come home
and be told that you couldn’t do this anymore and that I was too much trouble. I just…please
don’t leave me there alone.”

Carina let a few tears roll down her cheek and her heart ached, wanting to grab Maya and
keep her here so she could make her wife understand that this rough patch does not and
would not define their marriage and that the things said in the past needed to be buried there.
That Carina saw that Maya was serious about healing herself and fighting for their
relationship. Carina did not know how many ways she could tell Maya that she was forgiven
and now was the time to build their future up again, this time together.

“Bambina, look at me.” Maya couldn’t lift her head up to look at Carina and suddenly Carina
realized what was happening. Her wife would have no issue looking her in the eye, but the
teenage version of her wife that felt exposed in this situation had no self-worth and certainly
didn’t believe she was worthy of direct eye contact. Carina knelt down next to the bed to
catch Maya’s eyes that were red and puffy and full of tears.

“Maya, listen to me, per favore. I need you to let me talk to that little girl inside you who is
afraid she is going to get abandoned here. Can I talk to her?” Over the days in the hospital
Maya had shared the inner child work that she and Diane had been working on in an effort to
begin to heal the childhood trauma that Maya had been holding onto like a life raft all of her
adult life. Maya noted that when she needed to address the hurt that she felt as a child, it was
easier to pretend that she or Diane were speaking to a completely different person and Carina
had begun to follow suit. Maya nodded and Carina gently held her wife’s hands.

“I know it is so hard for you to believe me Maya, but I need you to hear me say this and try
you best to believe it is the truth. I am going to pick you up on the day that you discharge
from the psych unit. Ok? I will not be leaving you anywhere. I am not going to abandon you
just because things feel hard right now. You are working so hard bambina and I am so proud
of you. And the only thing I can ask of you right now is to believe that I am NOT your father.
Va bene? I do not abandon my family. I do not punish them for having big feelings or
struggling. I know that when we were fighting I did that to you and I am sorry, but I need you
to hold onto the fact that I always….always wanted you to come home and sleep next to me
in bed. I wanted to come home to you and I was just so sure I had to teach you a lesson and I
handled that wrong. I needed to have said to you directly what I needed. Your father kept you
on your toes and you never knew what you were going to get if you stumbled. I am so sorry I
triggered you to feel that again. You do not have to be perfect to earn my love Maya. So, yes,
I promise that I am not going to leave you here alone. I am going to come here one day and
bring my wife home because she belongs anywhere that I am. Va bene?”

Maya kept brushing tears from her face with the back of her sleeve, but she nodded.

“Good. Now, how about we go meet Dr. Knight outside and finish that paperwork and I will
walk you upstairs.”

Carina eventually came back to the present moment when she was alone in their apartment,
having brough home a few of Maya’s things to wash before returning them to her the next
day. While the blonde had originally agreed to the standard 72 hours, her doctors did not feel
comfortable discharging her that soon as she still was struggling in ways that made her
treatment team as well as Carina worry that she would be able to remain safe if allowed to go
home. What surprised Carina was that Maya brought this up to her doctor and when told that
more time was needed, she agreed, saying that she felt she had made good progress, but
going home now would feel like walking around with an open wound.

So that was how Carina found herself alone in their home doing laundry, heating up some
leftovers and checking her emails of the day to see how their legal team was progressing with
their suit against SFD. She was about to call her lawyer and leave a voicemail in response to
his earlier email when the buzzer downstairs sounded.

“Who is it?” Carina let go of the button and listened for a response.

“Carina? It’s Andy. Vic and I just wanted to swing by and check on you and Maya. Any
chance we can come up?” Carina felt a surge of anger and sadness at the same time. Wanting
to tell both women to go home and leave her alone. She wanted to hurt their feelings and
leave them in the dark about how Maya was doing. She wanted so badly to make them all
worry if she and Maya would ever forgive them all for the role they played in allowing Maya
to be so beaten down by SFD brass. She wanted to do all those things…but she didn’t. She
said nothing, but hit the button that unlocked the door, allowing both women into the
building. She wasn’t sure what exactly to say to them, but she knew that making any decision
in anger was how they had ended up in this position. And even with her anger wanting center
stage in her mind, Carina knew that when Maya did come home, they needed to assess who
she could still trust at SFD. Maya’s recovery had to include her friends at 19 and before that
happened Carina had to figure out exactly who that was.

A soft knock at the door broke Carina out of her thoughts. She closed the door to the main
bedroom where Maya’s duffle bag was laying half full of clean laundry. When she opened the
door, Carina’s first thought was that both Andy and Vic looked like two young children who
were about to apologize for breaking a neighbor’s window.

“Hey Carina. Look I know you texted us saying that Maya was doing better and that great,
but we were both worried. Actually, everyone is, but Vic and I figured two of us checking in
was already more than enough. We just wanted to stop by and offer whatever help you or
Maya might need. Even if it’s just stuff around the house or picking up things like groceries.
We just…we just want to help.” Carina had never seen this side of Andy: a side where the
normally very confident woman was anything but and was babbling.

“If that is true then why did none of you say something to me over the last few months? If
you wanted to help us so badly, why did none of you say anything when a drunk Captain
treated my wife like a punching bag? Why did you let my wife take all the bullets from
leadership as well and the friendly fire from all of you? Why did NO ONE call me and say
that my wife was killing herself one day at a time?” Andy and Vic both couldn’t make eye
contact with Carina and the Italian wasn’t having that. Carina stomped her foot hard and both
women jumped and looked at her.

“I am waiting for an answer. So either answer me or you can both leave.”

“Carina, we fucked up. All of us. We were mad that Maya made such a dumb choice just to
get her job back and we all didn’t want to be next on the chopping block so we took the easy
way out and just let Maya take all the heat. We were wrong Carina, big time. Yes, Maya mad
a dumb choice, but everyone else at 19 has mad equally if not worse choices and they never
got much of anything in terms of discipline. We let Maya take all the bullets frm Beckett and
from Robert and Ross and we failed her both as a team and as her friends. I cannot apologize
enough for that, none of us can. We all must live with what we did and the consequences of
it. If Maya can’t forgive us, we have to understand that we made our bed on that one. And I
know there is a fat chance that you will ever forgive us for letting Maya deteriorate so much
without ever letting you know and we will have to make peace with that too. But, please,
Carina. She saw me through some of the worst times of my life and I want to try to help her
through this too. I know it might be too late, but I have to try or I will be an even worse
friend for just giving up without a fight.” Carina eyed Andy carefully and knew that the
tearful words she spoke were, if nothing else, true.

“We know we don’t have a right to be here Carina. We all know that we failed Maya in a way
that is unforgivable. We used to be a family and this isn’t how family supports each other. We
should have had her back. We should have done more and done it sooner and yes, we should
have called you because even when you all are upset with each other, we know you would’ve
come running if you knew she was in danger.” Carina’s anger flared slightly at Vic’s words.

“If you knew I would come running to save her then why did you not call. Why rob me of the
chance to save the only person on this earth I have left. Answer me that?” Carina was careful
not to be yelling, as she still had not let either woman into the apartment and she had no
interest in bothering her neighbors. Not surprisingly, neither woman had an answer for
Carina’s question as to why no one alerted her to just how far Maya’s mental health had
fallen.

“Carina, we don’t have a good answer for why we didn’t do it. I think part of us was scared
that if we fought for Maya we would be next. Some of it was Maya being Maya. We tried,
toward the end to tell her to slow down, but it was…”

“Too late. It was too late to save my wife from hitting rock bottom because you all stood
there and watched her do it. That….that is the part in all of this that I do not know if I can
ever forgive. You were the only family she had, for years, and dio mio she loved all of you so
much it hurt sometimes. She never stopped fighting for you, even when you treated her like
crap. I always knew that if she ever was being too much of a cowboy at a fire, someone
would keep her in check, in balance, and that made me able to sleep at night. I told myself
that she was in danger yes, but that she had family watching her back and that was what
allowed me to confidently tell her I would see her when her shift was over. I trusted all of you
with her when it meant life or death and at the first test of that devotion you all turned your
back on her. Your pride, your egos, your cowardice almost resulted in my wife dying. Maya
has taken full responsibility for the things she did wrong, and without me knowing she did it
a long time ago. She was trying to prove herself to all of you and to me. We all missed what
was staring us in the face. I may not ever be truly able to forgive myself and quite frankly I
am on the fence about how I can ever trust any of you to be around Maya ever again.”

Both Andy and Vic had tears rolling down their faces and Andy wanted more than anything
to fight back and tell Carina she was out of line, or that she was wrong. No words came out
though, because deep down she knew that ever word Carina said was true. Station 19 needed
a sacrificial lamb and Maya made a critical mistake and the perfect moment to be cast in that
role. They all failed her in a way that even Andy wondered if they would ever come back
from.

“Carina, I know saying I’m sorry will not fix this. I am not even sure anything we can say
will fix this. What I do know is that I am willing to try. If Maya will speak to us, I will do
whatever I can to show her that we are truly sorry for what we allowed her to endure and that
if we can, if she wants us to…we will fight to make it right. It won’t fix what has been done,
Carina and for that I am so sorry. But, if Maya is willing to give us a chance, we won’t waste
it.” Carina eyed both women carefully and almost every part of her wanted to wrap herself in
her anger and tell both women to leave and not return. But she knew Maya would not want
Carina to allow anger to consume her like that and that was the part of herself she chose to
listen to. She reached behind her for the door and pushed it open and gestured for both
women to follow her. Once inside, Carina locked the door and made her way into the kitchen
with both women in toe.

“Maya is a grown up and while I can make medical decisions for her, I cannot make personal
decisions like this for her and I would never want to do so without her permission. That said:
I haven’t forgiven any of you for anything, and you would do well to remember that. This is
me given the two of you a chance to prove to me that you aren’t the monster in my closet si?
This is your chance to prove to me that you are still the people Maya once trusted with her
life. I suggest you do not waste it as there will be no second chance.” Andy had seen Carina
angry before, but this was different. This was Carina ready for draw blood and go to the mat
for Maya and while Andy never remembered feeling worse in her life, it was the first sliver
of hope she had felt in weeks.

“We understand. We just want do whatever we can to support Maya as she recovers and then
whatever she is willing to let us do to rebuild our friendships from there is all we are asking
for. And maybe that ship has sailed, but we want to try and if nothing else be the fire team we
used to be, because you are right, we used to have each other’s backs and we lost sight of that
at some point. We have to get back to that; friendships or not.” Carina offered a slight nod to
Vic and felt that at the very least her warning had been taken to heart.

“Is Maya sleeping? Warren hasn’t given us any updates since last week and that was just that
she was doing better.” Carina smiled briefly at the fact that Ben knew exactly where Maya
was and other than Carina, he was the only one who knew she was still being treated at Grey
Sloan. Carina knew in her heart that Ben was possibly the only constant person throughout
the last 6 months. Carina had told Ben that no one was to know anything about Maya that she
didn’t explicitly say could be shared and it was clear that the man took his promise seriously
and was likely catching heat from his team for it.

“Ben did as I asked in not sharing more info about where Maya was or how she was doing.
With Robert and Ross being whatever they are and Beckett being an alcoholic who has been
abusing my wife, I do not trust my wife’s health to be discussed in any building managed by
SFD. That said, Maya is not here.” Both Andy and Vic shared a look. It had been at least a
week since she was brought into the hospital following her assault and unless something had
gone wrong, Maya should have already returned home.

“Is she ok? Did complications pop up and she had to stay in the hospital longer?”

Carina nodded, “in a sense. Her scans were all good, thank goodness and her injuries
sustained from the sexual assault are the kind that heal with time. That said, after speaking
between ourselves and then consulting her doctor, we decided she needed some additional
care.”
Andy felt like she had 18 questions all screaming in her head and nothing made her more
angry at herself than the fact that she lost the right to scream them all at once when she let
Maya’s downward spiral go unattended.

“Carina, I know the answer might be you telling me its none of my business, but is she
alright? Why is she still in the hospital if she is ok physically?” Carina stepped into Andy’s
space and made sustained eye contact with her to the point where Andy wanted to back away,
but she knew better.

“If I answer your question honestly and I find out that the information left this room, you will
have only yourself to blame for the absolute hell I will rain down on you. My lawyers are
already enjoying themselves, don’t make me add to it.” Andy held up her heads in an effort to
calm her down.

“Carina, my word may mean nothing to you right now, but I swear on my father’s grave that
whatever you tell us will not leave your house. Vic and I won’t talk about it even to each
other. You can ask Maya and she will tell you: I may not have always been the friend she
deserved, but my father loved Maya to the point where I was jealous and he was the most
honorable man I know. I would never disgrace his memory with gossip about someone we
both love and care about.” Carina could see that once again, Andy was being sincere.

“You asked why she isn’t home if she is physical healthy.” Andy nodded.

“My answer is that, while yes her physical health was stable enough for her to be sent home,
her mental health was not.” Andy looked momentarily confused.

“So wait, they kept her hospitalized for her mental health?”

“Si.”

“Like in the psych ward?” Carina nodded. Andy looked at Vic and both women felt like a
truck hit them. Yes, Andy had seen the cuts, but for some reason, Maya needing to be
hospitalized for it, never crossed her mind.

“They hospitalized her for the cutting? I know it’s serious, but couldn’t that have been
handled outpatient?” Carina nodded again.

“It could have, if it had been the only reason they were concerned.” Andy titled her head
when she realized what Carina was suggesting.

“Are…are you saying they had to keep her because she wanted to kill herself?” Carina’s face
was suddenly very soft and sad and she brushed a stray tear off her face as she nodded yes to
Andy’s question.

“She chose to go voluntarily and she even agreed she needed to be there longer than a 5150
because she felt like she was making real progress. But this is why I am so mad at all of you
for not calling me. I realized, listening to her talk to the psychologist during her evaluation,
that I came within weeks of losing her because she was ready to die, on purpose, in a fire.
And if not that, something else of her own doing. I am mad at myself for using space as a
punishment because I missed her decline. I am mad at all of you for seeing it happen day in
and day out and never once calling me and saying ‘Carina, Maya is falling apart and it has
passed the point of no return’. You should have fucking called me.” Carina hit the countertop
with her fist on her last word and burst into tears. Andy didn’t care how mad Carina was in
that moment and pulled her best friend’s wife into a hug that Carina shockingly didn’t try to
pull out of.

“I know. I know we should have called. We fucked up big time Carina and I am sorry. I am so
sorry she was in that head space and we all missed it. We are trained to see, same as you. And
even if we weren’t, we know Maya and we should have taken her behavior for what it was. It
was a lot of crying for help that no one answered and I am so sorry that you came close to
losing her because we ignored what was there. But Carina, please know that I would have
sooner quit my job than ever, ever leave Maya Bishop alone in a fire. I don’t go home unless
she comes home with me, ok? I never would have left her.” Carina let herself be comforted as
long as she could tolerate it before it became too soft and she had to push Andy away.

“We are hoping she can come home next week. There is a therapy she has really taken to that
she wants to finish a full round of before coming home and her doctor agrees. Until then, as
far as SFD is concerned, she is in the hospital, not receiving visitors and any questions get
passed along to me.”

Andy and Vic both nodded, “we understand. They won’t hear anything from us Carina. As
far as they know, Ben is the only one with info and he and Ross have been locking horns
since this went down. He won’t tell her anything and she is pissed he reported her. It’s been a
hell of a thing to watch.”

“He has proven to be a very good friend to myself and Maya.”

“We are going to work to prove to be the same thing Carina. We can be those people again.
For you and for Maya.”

Carina smiled, “I hope so.”

 When Home Is The Belly of The Beast
Chapter Summary

Maya coming home

Carina had been trying desperately to focus on the work on her desk, but she was failing
miserably as she eyed her watch. After two weeks in the inpatient psych unit, Maya was
finally cleared to go home and continue her outpatient therapy. In the days leading to this
one, Carina had discussed with Maya what the blonde needed to feel safe coming home.
They had planned out how Maya’s safety plan looked like in their home, both when Carina
was and was not home. Maya asked her wife to not remove everything potentially dangerous
from the house without Maya being there to be a part of it. Maya sheepishly explained to
Carina that if she came home to everything gone it would only lead to her feeling scared and
desperate, both things the couple would like to avoid. Instead, she asked Carina to wait and
allow Maya to be the one to go through the house with her wife and willingly give Carina the
things Maya knew she needed to be hidden from her sight for the first few weeks of her being
home. This request had Maya avoiding eye contact with her wife and it wasn’t until Carina
made her turn her head upwards that she saw the outpouring of pride written all over Carina’s
face.

“I’m proud of you bambina.”

“Not much to be proud of Carina. Just your crazy wife who can’t have razors in plain sight
for a while.” Carina tapped Maya’s arm and Maya rolled her eyes. “I know I’m not crazy, but
this doesn’t feel like a success.”

“Maya, you asked me for something you needed. Something you needed to feel safe in our
home. If you hadn’t, I would have done something that would have made things worse. You
don’t like asking for what you need bambina, but here you’ve learned how to do it without
apologizing for it. That is most definitely something to be proud of. And if you can’t right
now, that’s ok, but I am very proud of my wife right now.”

More conversations like that had brought Carina to today when her wife was going to be
coming home and the OB was wondering why she didn’t just stay home until Maya’s release
time was closer. Maya had wanted to attend the morning group therapy so she could say
goodbye to people and thank some staff that had been with her the longest. This meant that
she wouldn’t be discharged until right around lunch time, leaving Carina to sit in her office
and try to clear some charts off her desk in an effort to make the time pass. The staff had
brought Maya’s bags down to Carina’s office about an hour ago, making it possible for the
blonde to leave the unit with nothing but her backpack hanging off her shoulder. This of
course allowed her some deniability if anyone she didn’t trust saw her leaving the psych unit.
Just as she was getting ready to gather her things to head upstairs, a knock on her door
startled her.

“Come in.” Carina was pleasantly surprised to see the psychologist that had admitted Maya
poke her head through the door, “sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to drop off the last of
Maya’s things before you came upstairs.”

“Come in, please. Sorry, I wasn’t expecting anyone so you took me by surprise.” Dr. Knight
smiled and walked all the way into Carina’s office holding a canvas that was facing away
from Carina.

“No apologies needed. Maya was checking the art room as she packed and she wasn’t sure if
she wanted this to come home with you guys, but today she decided she wanted it, so I
figured it would be easier to bring it down now.” The psychologist leaned the canvas against
the sofa in Carina’s office and when Carina finally came around her desk to see it she let out
a surprised gasp when she caught full view of the canvas. She knew that once upon a time,
Maya used drawing as a way to focus her thoughts when things became overwhelming, but
Maya always said it was doodling; that she wasn’t that good at drawing or painting and that
she did it mostly for fun, but it gave way to running years earlier. Carina never brought it up
again. Judging by the painting in her office, she should have.

The picture had some abstract flame at the top that slowly took form so that you saw that they
were indeed fire. They moved fluidly around the figure in the center of the frame: a woman,
dressed in black turnouts, with her arms wrapped around a small child in her lap; her body
being the only thing sparing the child from being touched by the flames that surrounded them
both. Carina examined the details of the painting more, noting that her wife kept the figure of
the child with her face turned toward the adult, unable to be identified totally, but that the
adult firefighter that embraced her bore a purposeful likeness to her wife.

“Maya made this? My maya?” Dr. Knight smiled and nodded. “Your Maya made this. She
was sketching something one day and the occupational therapist encouraged her to take it off
the page and see where it took her. Her friend bought her some special paint and gave it to
her when they visited one day and the next day when I came in the nurses said she had been
up most of the night crying and painting. They didn’t stop her because she was being safe,
one of them was willing to monitor her as she worked and they felt that there was a reason
behind it. There was something she needed to get out and when she was given space, time
and the right supplies, this is what she got out. I’m glad she chose to take it home. There is a
lot of emotional labor that went into this and I think her keeping it is important. She can
literally see how far she’s come and I know she often needs physical reminders of the work
she has done.”

Carina nodded, but was still focused on the canvas and what it must have meant to her wife
to create something so profound after a clearly emotionally intense night. Carina guessed that
that must have been the day that Maya called her in tears begging for Carina not to be mad,
but that she needed today to be one without a visit from her wife. Carina was concerned
about the tears, but Maya assured her that while she was tearful it was good and healthy tears
and that she mostly needed some rest after not sleeping well. Carina was assured by staff that
Maya was doing well and that they agreed that the blonde needed a day to recover from some
intense therapeutic work. Carina was glad that she didn’t think twice about canceling her visit
that day: Maya asked for what she needed and after everything she had to have put into the
painting in front of her, Carina was not shocked her wife needed a day to herself.

“Did she explain the picture to you at all?” The other doctor nodded, “she did, but I think you
should hear it from her because if nothing else I think it will show you how far she has come
in the weeks since she was admitted. She put in a lot of work Carina, but in my personal
opinion, making this allowed her to break down that last wall she had put up around her. She
had always been very engaged in group and one on one sessions, but I rarely saw her let go of
the mask she keeps on when she pretends things are fine. She would tell horrific stories of her
childhood with a straight face: no tears, just factual statements. She needed a way to tap into
the part of herself hiding behind that wall and I believe that is what she was able to do with
this painting. This was hiding underneath all the cutting and thoughts of dying: a part of
Maya was screaming for help and she wasn’t ready to hear it, or maybe she felt unsafe to
acknowledge it. In any case, making this gave that part of her that was screaming for help a
chance to be heard; a chance to be seen. So while I know her crying that day concerned you, I
would argue it was a literal turning point for her.”

Carina smiled and nodded toward the painting, “well, when she is ready she can tell me about
it. In the meantime, thank you for this and for everything really. I know Maya really
appreciated you being so straight forward with her during her treatment. You kept your word
to her and in my wife’s world you are only as good as your word and she has had a lot of
broken promises lately. So having someone in a place of authority and power use it correctly
and use it to help her might have just made more of an impact than you might realize.”

“Maya did every second of hard work I asked of her Carina; she drove the bus, I was just
there to tell her when to pump the brakes.”

“I know, but your help brought my wife back to me and I honestly was so sure we had lost
her. Because of you and the staff upstairs, my wife and I get to still chase the dreams we had
when we got married, before it all fell apart.”

“Well, I’m glad I was able to help, even though I promise that Maya did the heavy lifting
Carina. We can’t force people to want to heal, they have to want it for themselves. Maya hit a
wall and it felt like there was no way out but dying. I am honored that both she and you, gave
us a chance to show her that there is always another way to handle hardship.” Carina nodded
and watched as the psychologist readied herself to leave.

“You know, I almost never comment on this kind of thing, but I just have to this one time.”
Carina looked at the other doctor slightly confused.

“Her dad sounds like a real piece of work.” Carina’s eyes flashed with anger and the
psychologist knew she was correct in her assessment of Lane.

“He is a piece of something, that much you have right.”

“Well, for what its worth, and you can remind her of this the first time your kids scream they
hate you, some of the best parents I have seen had the worst role models. She will be a great
mom one day and her father will have nothing to do with it.” Carina smiled and thanked the
psychologist as she repeated her goodbye. Carina had just enough time to put the painting in
her car and get back upstairs to meet Maya as she was signing her discharge paperwork.

Carina noted that Maya looked rested and she was holding herself like she used to: head held
high and not beaten down by work politics and emotional turmoil. Maya seemed lighter and
Carina’s thoughts were interrupted by Maya calling her name.

“Carina. You ok amore? You looked like you were distracted.” Carina smiled and pressed a
kissed to the side of Maya’s head as she signed the last form and allowed to nurse to cut off
her hospital bracelet.

“I’m fine bambina, just admiring my lovely wife.”

“I haven’t shaved my legs in almost 3 weeks and I am wearing my gym clothes. This is doing
it for you huh?” Carina rolled her eyes and linked her arm with Maya as they were buzzed
through the doors leading into the unit.

“You always do it for me bambina, no matter what you look like, but right now I am just glad
to have you coming home. It’s been a long time since I had you in our bed, all to myself and I
intend on taking advantage of that and getting my cuddles.” The playfulness of her comment
was abruptly cut off when Maya stopped sand turned Carina to face her.

“Thank you.”

“For what bambina?”

“You kept your promise.” Carina looked confused and Maya gestured behind them at the unit
they just walked out of. “You promised you would come take me home. That you wouldn’t
leave me here. You came and got me: you kept your promise and even though I knew you
would…just, thank you.” Carina refused to let Maya pull away and pretend she wasn’t
feeling something important.

“There will never again come a day when I don’t come to you when you need me Maya. Va
bene?”

Maya nodded, “va bene.”

 Ocean Is Wild and Over Your Head
Chapter Summary

Internal investigation concluded and Carina joins her lawyers and some key characters
to find out if Maya's long years of being abused by SFD brass would finally be over and
behind her?

While Maya was now settled back at home, she continued to use her paid leave considering
she was still healing from physical injuries sustained during her assault. Having rarely ever
used her time off, Maya had a large sum of days to use up and she and Carina agreed to use a
few weeks of them allowing Maya to simply rest at home before returning to work. This just
happened to overlap with the work their lawyers were doing in an effort to reprimand SFD
and get Maya some long awaited justice.

That particular morning Carina joined her attorneys at SFD headquarters, assuring Maya that
the best way to handle this was for Maya to not be seen until absolutely the last moment, if at
all. So for that day, Maya stayed home, preparing for a therapy session and promised Carina
she would text her when Diane hung up with her. Carina sat in the lobby with her lawyers on
each side of her, all of them chatting while the two lawyers briefly showed Carina some
papers before tucking them away. The elevator door dinged and two lawyers from SFD’s
legal team came out with Ross behind them, and Robert standing just behind her. Carina
laughed to herself: like a little boy hiding behind his mother’s legs.

Ross had a hardened look on her face as she looked to Carina, likely trying to find a sign of
gentleness that the Italian was known for in their circle. She was, however, met with Carina’s
face looking determined, angry and more than a little excited. It was a mix that made Ross
question exactly how far she was willing to risk her career just to not have to admit she failed
miserably in this situation. Just to not have to admit that Maya Bishop was not the bad egg
she had built her up to be. She didn’t have long enough to think about it as the group was set
up in a conference room and the lawyers jumped right into things. Carina sat back and
watched her lawyers point to charts, papers and folders of evidence. She listened as both legal
teams argued and fussed at each other, but the whole time Carina never stopped making eye
contact with Ross and after 45 minutes the cold stare of the Italian doctor was beginning to
make the fire chief internally pray for this whole event to finish so she could escape Carina’s
sight. When both teams were done presenting everything, the administrative chief that had
been chosen to oversee this issue put down the papers he was holding and addressed the
room.

“Well, I have only been in this admin position for a year and I can safely say, this is the
biggest mess I have ever seen come across my desk.” The chief looked to Ross and Robert,
“you two: the romantic relationship either ends today when you leave this room or I am going
to split you both up and place you in different stations, neither of which will be 19.” Ross
huffed a laugh and Carina watched, knowing that Ross had incorrectly read the room.

“Preston, this is insane, and you cannot possibly let them do this.” Ross looked at the man
like she was expecting a favor and she looked the most surprised when she got a glare in
return.

“Natasha, you promoted a subordinate that you were sleeping with: Maya Bishop threatening
to black mail you is the most rational reaction to finding out you got passed over for a job I
think I have ever heard. She didn’t follow through, but you sure as hell did.” Ross sat down,
clearly scolded.

“And because of you thinking our past of working together would garner you support, I will
be making the decision for you. I don’t care if you break up or not: both of you are to be
reassigned by the end of this pay period and you will both start at your new assignments in
the new period. Is that understood?” They both mumbled a yes sir and Carina had to duck her
head to hide the parge smile that spread across her face when Natasha Ross looked sad for the
first time since any of this happened.

“I suggest you use the remainder of your time at 19 to say goodbye to your colleagues and
beg for forgiveness at Maya DeLuca-Bishop’s feet. And be sure that every promotion for the
rest of your careers will be scrutinized very carefully to make sure the behavior you both
have shown here in this matter, never clouds your work again.” The man then turned to
Carina.

“Dr. DeLuca-Bishop, I understand that your wife is still healing from her assault so in her
absence I would like to address you if I may.” Carina nodded and the man smiled.

“While I don’t support that your wife threatened to blackmail her chief, I can’t say that
anyone else would have handled that situation much differently. Your wife had been getting
abused by the power of SFD for a long time and she was tired of fighting fire with water and
I cannot blame her for that. SFD was run by men who wanted to keep things the same and
your wife threatened that in the very best way. She was, and in my mind, still is, a great
leader and she knows her stuff, but she also knows that there are times when human life has
to be valued over the rules. If the roles had been reversed and Lt. Sullivan over here had
saved that child, I suspect he would’ve been rewarded, not punished. SFD needed an update
decades ago, but it is getting it now. Our leadership needs to look like the community we
serve and that means diversity, not 20 old white men running the fire department of a huge
city. I worked with your wife before I came to this job and she has passion, drive and true
sense of duty and I cannot teach that at the academy. It has to be in the person. Your wife
didn’t deserve this, and I am sure you suffered right alongside her, so allow me to make it
right.” The man handed Carina’s attorney a folder.

“In the next 3 months, three Captains in SFD are retiring or being prompted into higher
positions and their spots will be open. If she still wants to be a Seattle firefighter, you tell
your wife she can have her pick of the litter.” Carina looked confused at the idiom and the
man noticed the look on her face. “I apologize, I should speak planning given how important
this is. Please tell your wife, that I have three open slots and she can have any of them she
chooses. She can meet the team, interview them if she really wants and she gets to pick
before I go about filling the other two with other Captains. Your wife will have her Captain
rank restored to her as of today and it will be marked in her folder as being restored on the
day she was refused her right to a hearing. And using that day as a marker, she will receive
back pay at her correct Captain salary rate. I know it won’t fix everything and the emotional
pain you have both endured cannot be healed with money, but your wife is a damn fine
firefighter and I want her on our team for as long as she wants to be on it.” Carina’s attorneys
both confirmed the offer was legit and enforceable.

“I know she has to sign things to make everything official, but I feel confident that you will
have my wife back in your ranks as soon as she is fully healed from her assault.” The chief
nodded and smiled, “my office will put the paperwork in motion and give it to your legal
team and you have Captain DeLuca Bishop contact my office when she is ready to check out
the stations she might be taking over.”

“And with that I believe we are done here for today folks.” Before anyone knew it the chief
banged the small gavel he had and after shaking the lawyers’ hands and offering Carina one,
along with the folder of paperwork for Maya, he looked to Robert and Natasha both of whom
were still sitting.

“If I were the two of you, I would come up with an apology for the Captain. If you make it
good enough, she might just decide not to sue both of you as private citizens. You are also
lucky there isn’t more I can do to either of you to punish you for your behavior in this.
Bishop may not be a saint, but you both realize that on paper you guys look like the villain in
this right?” Both Robert and Ross looked down and the other chief rolled his eyes.

“You both will have your new assignments by the end of the week. I hope it was all worth it.
Dismissed; both of you.” The two firefighters stood at attention and left the room, looking a
bit shocked and upset; something that left Carina feeling a slight bit of joy in their
punishment of simply being ignored as credible.

When Carina got home she called out Maya’s name and heard her wife yell back that she was
in the bathroom. Carina walked into their bathroom and found Maya in their bath and the
sight made her happy.

“Since when do you like taking bubble baths bambina?” Maya stuck out her tongue. “I
finished doing the stretching exercises that the PT guy at the hospital gave me and I was sore.
Also, I do like them, but they are way better when you join me in them.” Carina rolled her
eyes and smiled.

“You are terrible flirt Captain DeLuca-Bishop.” Maya squinted her eyes, “you have a pretty
positive outlook on how the hearing will play out for us. We have no guarantees they will
give me my job back.” Carina nodded and reached into her bag.

“Yes, we do. The admin chief made the decisions today without choosing to take extra days
to review. There are 3 Captain jobs open and he said to tell you that you have your pick of the
puppies.” Maya’s brain short circuited with the information and Carina’s incorrect use of the
idiom.
“Puppies? Do you mean pick of the litter, amore?” Carina rolled her eyes, “I just told you that
you got your job back and you only heard me get an American idiom wrong? Bambina, you
are Captain again and they are giving you back pay. You should’ve seen it bambina: Natahsa
Ross was so sure she was winning and her face when she was scolded was a thing of beauty. I
do not remember ever seeing Robert Sullivan look more like a kicked puppy ever before, but
the important thing bambina is that they were finally reprimanded, and you were vindicated
my love.”

Maya’s eyes scanned to papers in Carina’s hand and gestured for Carina to come closer to
help her up. Once on her feet, but still dropping in water and soap suds, Maya grabbed
Carina’s blazer and brough their mouths crashing together in a powerful kiss.

“You cannot kiss me like that when you are still healing bambina.” Maya smiled and Carina
beamed, “I missed seeing that smile. I like that I see more now.”

“Me too. Now please help me out of here so we can celebrate with some decadent for dinner,
and you can tell me the play by play of the hearing.” Carina helped her get out of the tub and
for the first time in the last two years their household felt settle and strong and Carina was
thankful that after so long feeling like the other shoe was about to drop, she and her wife
finally had a stable future to look toward; Robert Sullivan and Natasha Ross be damned.
 Update Coming

Sorry for the insane break between chapters. My dad died right after the last chapter was
posted and my mental health has been pretty bad since. Its not good now either, but I seem to
write a bit better in that mind set, especially for stories like this. If you are still interested in
this story thank you for sticking with me and I hope to have the new chapter up tonight or
tomorrow.
 Hope is All That You Have
Chapter Summary

Maya and Carina talk about regaining intimacy, and its not just them talking about sex.
Some discussion about sexual assault, but nothing detailed. Just be aware if that is
triggering.

The week leading up to Maya returning to work was fairly busy for both her and Carina.
They had started couples counseling, in addition to Maya’s personal therapy and Maya was
slowly getting used to being at home and communicating her needs to Carina when things
became overwhelming to her. While she had been out of the hospital for about two weeks,
she was realizing that the staff at the hospital were serious when they said that triggers could
and would pop up as she began to unpack more things in therapy. This sometimes resulted in
Maya being in a highly agitated state, stuck in a wave of anxiety or practically catatonic when
things took her by surprise. Diane had assured Maya, that this hyperarousal would likely not
bleed into her work in ways that were upsetting or detrimental to the firefighter, mostly
because being hyper aware and focused in a fire was a blessing most days. The caution Diane
offered was that if a new triggered popped up anywhere that wasn’t a fire, Maya needed to
name it for herself and revisit it either in therapy or with Carina. Basically, Maya was being
assured from several people that her new normal would feel strange for a while, but it would
not last forever; that said, Maya had to be the one to see her triggers and talk them through.
She had been cleared for desk duty by the department psychologist and 19 was looking
forward to having her back: none of them knowing she wouldn’t be back with them for
longer than a few weeks.

Following her being reinstated as a Captain, Maya did as the admin chief had offered her
through Carina: she went and looked at the houses, met the outgoing Captain and even
chatted with some of the firefighters on shift. After talking it over with Carina and thinking
about the benefits each station had, Maya ultimately accepted the position over at house 77.
Their outgoing Captain was female and Maya felt like she wouldn’t have to fight as many
battles as she might have to in a house where only men had been Captains before her. A small
part of her felt chicken for choosing it, but as Carina reminded her, she did not always have to
blaze a trail for others to follow in; sometimes it was ok to walk the path someone else carved
out for you. That said, Maya worried about how those at 19 would take the news: both of her
departure and her getting her job back.

“Bambina, if they were ever your friends to begin with, they will celebrate you getting your
title back and they might be sad that you are leaving, but in time they will celebrate your next
step in your career.” Maya was putting dishes away as Carina unloaded them from the
dishwasher and she heard her wife’s reassurances, but still felt uneasy about everything.
“I know that, logically anyway. A part of me is just…I don’t know, angry I guess. Which
feels insane, because I finally got what I had been begging for and someone listened to me, to
us. And I guess I was expecting push back or to be told no flat out. I think I thought I would
have more time to leave slowly. I feel like I’m abandoning them.” Carina stopped and moved
over to Maya and gently touched her hand, wanting to wrap her arms around Maya’s back,
but fighting the urge to avoid causing her wife to flinch out of reflex.

“You are the most loyal person I know Maya, to a fault sometimes. You stood by all of them
at different times, and they didn’t always return that support. I can’t forgive them for that just
yet, but I understand why it might feel like you are abandoning them. But if it were any of
them leaving, would you think the same of them.” Maya shook her head no.

“Exactly. You have a career that sometimes requires moving from the places we set down
roots. It makes sense that you are mourning leaving 19 bambina. That was your first house
and in fact your first home. You felt safe, needed and valued there; all things you didn’t have
much of prior to the academy, si? You thought it would be your legacy house. It is ok to
mourn that loss, that change. It’s ok that things changed, that you changed. It’s even more ok
that you found other places where you felt safe, needed and valued.” Maya turned around so
that she was facing Carina, gently framing Carina’s face with her hands.

“I feel safe, needed and valued with you.” Carina smiled and was a little surprised when
Maya leaned forward and offered her wife a deep kiss before pulling away. Maya briefly
looked worried, like she had done something wrong. “Was that ok?” Carina had to swallow
her laugh when she realized Maya was dead serous.

“Was the kiss, ok? Bambina, you never ever have to ask me if I like your kisses, the answer is
an overly enthusiastic yes. That was just more intimacy than you felt safe engaging in the last
few weeks, so the real question is are you ok with it?” Maya looked down and Carina saw a
deep red blush wash over her wife’s face and normally this would have been a cute thing to
tease Maya about, only right now, Carina feared it was her wife feeling ashamed for reaching
out and seeing what kind of physical touch she felt comfortable doing.

“I’m sorry.” Carina shut her eyes briefly, not that Maya noticed as her eyes were glued to the
floor in shame. She remembered after her own assault how things felt; how angry she was
that something she always felt quite confident in, suddenly felt like it was foreign and that
her body was no longer familiar, but a stranger to her.

Carina gently slid her arms up Maya’s and rested on her shoulders, careful not to reach for
Maya’s face before her wife knew where her hands were. Every part of her wanting to scream
out at how purposeful her movement had to be because someone had touched her wife in
something other than kindness and she was now tasked with easing that pain.

“Bambina, can you look at me please?” She was met with a shaking head of no from Maya,
unable to ignore the sniffling that came from her wife. Carina gentling shifted her weight so
she was lowering herself to the floor, resting her knees on the kitchen floor, positioning
herself so that if Maya was looking at the floor, she saw Carina’s face.

“I know its hard to look at me because you feel like you did something wrong, but Maya,
trust me, kissing me is ok. Better than ok. It just feels strange now because of what happened
and I am so sorry it happened bambina. I just need you to hear it from me, that there is no
rush to get back to the level of touching and sexual intimacy we had. True intimacy is about
much more than that anyway.” Maya nodded at Carina’s words, but seemed agitated as she
reached to help lift Carina from the floor.

“I know you are right, but I hate this; I hate feeling like this huge connection we have always
had is suddenly not there and its not there because someone stole it and I just want it back.”
Maya began to cry more steadily and fell into Carina, which was the only reason Carina felt
comfortable wrapping her arms around her wife and embracing her, as Maya had been the
one to initiate the contact. Carina slowly walked them into the bedroom and laid down on the
bed, allowing Maya to then come to her and again show how much physical touch she
wanted from Carina. Maya curled into Carina’s side, with her head resting on the side of
Carina’s chest.

“Better?” Maya sighed deeply, but gently squeezed Carina as she settled into their bed.
“Better.”

“I know how frustrating this is bambina, at least in part. My assault was different than yours
in many ways and the circumstances were wildly different, but the road back to finding
myself again and feeling confident in my body again…it took time Maya. Time and a lot of
patience. I got there eventually though, but it was the one thing I could not rush. You can’t
either. And I hope you don’t feel like you have to rush it for my sake. I am perfectly happy
waiting for however long you need, and am far more interested in helping you heal
psychologically from this. Sex is important in a marriage Maya, but it was never the reason I
wanted to marry you, and it is not the foundation we built our lives on. You and I are
important. How much we love each other and trust each other is important.”

“I feel like I am denying you something you love.” Carina stilled Maya’s hand that had been
fumbling with the draw strong on her hoodie since they laid down. “I love you, not sex. I like
sex, but I love you, so you aren’t denying me anything. You fought to come back to me
Maya, even when your brain told you not to. You gave me the most precious thing in my life
back when you started to take care of yourself in the hospital. I have not been denied
anything; if anything, I got a huge gift giving to me when you came home. Sex and being
sexual will come in time, if we want it to. Until then, I want you to feel safe in this space with
me and never want you to truly believe that sex is more important to me than you.” Maya let
Carina’s words sink in and when they did, she propped her head up on her elbow to look at
her wife.

“I liked kissing you earlier. I wanted to do it for at least a week, but I was scared that that
deep of a kiss would trigger something that I haven’t touched in therapy yet. But earlier, it
felt like a regular day, with us just chatting while doing chores and it felt normal to want to
do that. And I…I did like it. I felt nice to share that connection with you again.” Carina
smiled slightly, glad to know that Maya wasn’t pushing herself for Carina’s sake and instead
was listening to what her body felt like it wanted.

“I’m glad the kiss felt right to you. I just wish you didn’t feel so much shame surrounding it.
It is ok to have felt good or even pleasure from it bambina.” Maya ran her finger along
Carina’s neckline, tracing patterns, clearly having something to say, but unsure how to do so.
“How long after your assault did it take for you like you could enjoy sex with someone?”
Carina thought carefully and tried to craft an answer that was honest, but not going to make
matters worse.

“It took me about 3 months to even be comfortable with someone touching me more than a
handshake, so it took time to build up to physical intimacy. I was lucky in that I had Gabriella
to talk to about things as well as try them out with someone I knew for certain would stop if I
said to and would help me find my way back to that part of myself. Overall, it took maybe 6
months before I felt like I wanted to have sex with anyone new.”

Maya was quiet, but hummed slightly as Carina spoke. “I may not like her very much
because of how she mocks our relationship, but I am glad she was there to help you.”

Carina knew mentioning her friend was a risk, but honesty was more important to Maya and
her recovery than sparing her feelings on this one matter.

“You know, until you got hurt, it had been 4 months since I spoke with her. She had opinions
about our relationship, and I didn’t ask for them, nor did I agree, I just wanted my friend to
vent to, and she couldn’t be that for me so I stopped calling.”

“Let me guess, she told you to leave me.”

Carina nodded, “she did, and do you know what I told her?” Maya sniffled and shook her
head no against Carina’s chest.

“I told her, that my marriage was not up for a vote, and that what you and I were going
through was a rough patch, not a permanent situation. I had hope that eventually we would do
what we have always done and find a way back to each other; better and stronger. I told her
that she could be mad at your actions, even mad that you hurt my feelings, but I did not need
anyone in my life that hated my wife. I told her if she could not be my friend, while also
respecting my wife that she could keep her hatred in Italy, and I would keep my love in
Seattle. Then we didn’t speak until everything happened.”

Maya picked her head up momentarily, “did you tell her what happened to me?”

Carina gently pulled Maya back to her and shook her head, “of course not, but she has bits
and pieces of the story, but not from me. She called my work line to consult about a case she
has back home, my nursing staff told her that I would be out of the office for a few days as I
was taking care of my wife. From what the nursing supervisor told me, Gabriella scoffed and
the nurse, who is a bit protective of me and by virtue you, snapped back that she would let
me know that her friend scoffed at an assault survivor. She said Gabri went silent so she hung
up. That’s when she called me and left a voicemail. That nurse, technically, broke a very
important rule and she told me right away, even offered her resignation, which of course I did
not take. I made her a deal to go through more privacy trainings and she is on intense
supervision for 6 months, but I pulled her aside after that meeting and thanked her for being
one of the first people to stick up for you, even though she made a pretty huge mistake doing
it. Her heart was in the right place.”
Maya thought about everything Carina had said and mixed in with all the emotions she felt,
she found herself smiling. Something that allowed Carina to relax a bit.

“There is something very comforting about someone sticking up for me and doing it in a way
that broke the rules, but with good intentions. Sounds like someone else I know and all it
took was one person giving her a second chance to make things right and do better. What can
I say I have a soft spot for rebels.” Carina didn’t realize the connection between her nurse and
Maya till just then, but she followed Maya’s lead and smiled at the implication.

“What did Gabriella say in the voicemail?” Carina looked at Maya and worried that telling
her everything would stress her out, but again, decided to let Maya decide what she could and
could not handle.

“We do not have to talk about this if you don’t want to Maya. My friendship with Gabriella
may not be a topic that makes you feel supported right now and I don’t want you to think I
would rather talk about her than you, or us, or our plans.”

“I asked because I know she is important to you. You literally just reminded me how
important she was to you when you needed someone to get you through a crisis. You don’t
have to tell me what she said, but we can talk about it if you want. I may not like her or trust
her very much, but I would imagine not talking to her was painful for you and we can talk
about that if you want.”

Carina nodded, “it did hurt not to have her to talk to while you and I were also not talking. It
felt isolating, but I made it clear to her what I was not going to put up with and she tried to
ignore that boundary. When she called, I was with you and had been ignoring my phone so I
didn’t see the message for a few days. She apologized for being stubborn and not reaching
out sooner, apologized for purposefully making comments she knew would upset you or
rubbing our past in your face, and she ended the call saying that she understood if I couldn’t
forgive her for acting out of jealousy, but to please pass her support along to you. She begged
me not to fire my nurse, saying it was a wakeup call she needed, she was just sorry you
getting hurt was the reason for it. She offered her support in whatever way you wanted it,
even if that was just to leave us alone, but she seemed genuinely upset.”

Maya thought about it and kept her head gently pressed to Carina’s skin. “I don’t want you to
lose a friend over me, especially someone who helped you so much years before we ever met.
That said, maybe when you talk to her you can tell her I appreciate the offer, but right now I
have the help I need already.”

Carina smiled and gently kissed the crown of Maya’s head. “We have had fights before, never
this big that is, but I think we will be able to work it out in time. But she has to mature a bit
first because this never growing up mentality is something we are both too old for. She needs
to leave that to that little boy running around the forest in tights.” Maya’s head shot up in
confusion and then after a beat she started to laugh.

“Do you mean Peter Pan?” Carina smiled, “si, is he not the boy that runs around saying he is
never growing up?”
“He is, I just wasn’t expecting that comparison.” Carina smiled more and gently tucked hair
behind Maya’s ear. “I’m glad it made you laugh. I missed hearing that.”

Maya kissed Carina’s wrist and stayed there, “I missed feeling like I could.” Maya looked at
her watch and looked back to Carina. “We should figure out dinner before it gets too late.”
Maya stood up first and pulled Carina behind her, both of them starting to put some version
of dinner together. When they sat down to eat, Carina broke the comfortable silence.

“Maybe you should tell Andy, Vic and Ben about your new position and house change. Ben
was very supportive while you were in the hospital and I told you how I handle Andy and
Victoria coming over that one day. You might feel less anxious about telling people if a few
people knew already. Give you some extra support.” Maya put her fork down and finished
chewing what was in her mouth.

“I know Ben will just be happy if I am happy. I guess I don’t know what to expect from Andy
and Vic: I don’t want them to think I am running away from my problems and leaving them
behind.”

“They left you behind.” Carina thought she mumbled under her breath, but Maya offered her
a sad smile and it told her that her wife heard it. “I know they did, in some ways anyways,
but they also said they wanted to try to make amends for that. They can’t make amends if I
don’t give them a chance to rise to the occasion.”

Carina hated to admit that Maya was right, but she was. Carina also had agreed to let Maya
be in the driver’s seat on this matter, so long as she understood that Carina had a long road
left to travel in terms of forgiving anyone at 19.

“I think telling them before you announce it at work next week is a good idea, but I also will
support you telling everyone at once and letting them handle it however they will in that
moment.” Maya considered it carefully and nodded, mostly to herself.

“I want to tell them. I can’t do anything about their feelings about it, but I can give them a
chance to digest the information before I tell everyone else.” Carina cleared the plate in front
of Maya and kissed her wife on her head.

“I suspect they will be happy for you, amore. I think them coming here when you were in
hospital made them realize how bad things were. They seemed to genuinely want to see you
feeling better and happier. They would likely be supportive about the idea that you could not
be those things and stay in the environment that had previously been so toxic. If they are the
friends they once were to you, they will celebrate in your success, even if they are sad at you
leaving.” Maya digested her wife’s words as she waited for Carina to return from the kitchen
and when she did she stood from her chair and nodded toward the bedroom.

“Is it ok if I go lay down? I think I’m just a little drained emotionally and snuggling in bed
for a while before I have to go to bed sounds nice.” Carina couldn’t stop herself from
worrying a little bit at Maya wanting to crawl into bed when it was barely 7:30.

“Are you ok? Did we push too far earlier?” Maya smiled as she shook her head. “No, not at
all. But I had therapy today and it was a lot. Good, but a lot and we talked about important
things today that all sort of zapped my energy.” Carina nodded and gently reached for Maya’s
hand, doing so slowly to give Maya a chance to pull away if she didn’t want to be touched.

“Do you want to be alone, or would you like some company?” Maya had a coy smile, “well if
you know someone who wants to come snuggle me while I wear my super sexy oversized
shirt you can point them in my direction. Would you happen to know anyone who would like
that?” Carina rolled her eyes and pointed Maya to their bedroom.

“I will join you in a second. Let me lock up and I will come get my snuggles.” Carina was
quick and joined Maya just as the blonde had finished brushing her teeth and putting some
cream on the wounds still healing on her arms. When they settled into bed, Carina was still
sitting up and Maya took this chance to lay her head in her wife’s lap. Carina was about to
reach for Maya’s hair to run her fingers through it, but she stopped herself just short of doing
it. Maya’s head was healed, but pain still made itself known when psychosomatic symptoms
flared, and Maya already had a complicated relationship with her hair before the assault.

Maya must’ve caught Carina with her hand midair and she gently guided her wife’s hand so
that it laid flat against her hair. “I trust you. You are the only person I trust to touch me
there.” Carina let a few tears escape because of the enormity of Maya’s words. Sex was one
thing; it was something she knew Maya and she would figure out over time, but this…this
was the intimacy Carina feared a stranger had taken from her and her wife forever. So yes,
Carina cried as she kept her hand perfectly still, because she knew that this was the first sign
of hope that the true intimacy she and Maya shared would one day return; and no stranger
could ever steal it.
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