PASTORAL RESPONSE TO THE CHALLENGES OF EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS

AMONG CHRISTIAN COUPLES IN THE CONTEMPORARY CHURCH

Rev. AGABI, Ayuba

agabiayuba@gmail.com, 08030403033, 09094441117
Ph.D. Student Faculty of Theology, Department of Practical Theology (Pastoral Care and
Counselling) in the Nigerian Baptist Theological Seminary Ogbomoso
Oyo State, Nigeria

Introduction

A Pastor, Latin word meaning shepherd, propeller or guide derived from the verb pascere, which

indicate the one who leads or shepherd God’s people in the Church congregation. He serves a

leader who has the foresight and who should be able to receive from God on behalf of the people

he is responsible for advising Counsel God’s people in the Church. He may also be considered as

an ordain minister who performs various liturgical functions, including preaching. As a feeder of

God’s sheep, the Pastors stands at the right pedestal to correct anomalies and proffer appropriate

way-forward to issues affecting the Church. One of the problems people seek to have their pastor

address in his position as a leader and God’s mouth piece is for him to respond credibly to the

challenges of extramarital affairs bedeviling Christian couples in the church today.

Every believer is expected to shine as a light in his or her little fissure of life. The pastor is

expected to do and teach God’s people the right doctrine of the Bible. He is confronted with the

challenge of speaking God’s mind regarding premarital sex to lead the congregation to the

Bible's truth. The Church today is becoming more modern than it used to be in the past. The

pastors seem to be battling the most appropriate approach to helping married people stay

hallowed amidst corrupt statements and messages that flows from every quarter of social media

and our news media today. Inhabitants of our communities at various quarters prefer to express

independence and hear messages from the clergy that suit their uncontrolled lifestyle and permit

misbehavior that often takes place among married people.

1
Obviously, in this paper, one of the things that the Church tends to be copying is the worldly

dressings, music, and general way of life that appears very appealing to the lives of the modern

man. Gradually, some Christians are drifting towards the sophisticated system of life by

renaming extramarital affairs as “fresh air” as they can no longer be contented with their spouses

because of certain incompatibilities. No wonder we now have more sugar mummies and daddies

than it used to be in the past; they seek other persons outside their matrimonial homes to have

illicit affairs with them to ease their spousal tension at home. Be it considered the case may seem

to be, the Church has been duly appropriately offered a standard manual of life and services that

cannot be compromised, and that is the Bible. So, an average Christian who inadvertently desires

to be engaged in premarital affairs should also be prepared to study the Bible very well to discern

God's mind regarding such an illicit act. Since God did not leave us without guidance on

handling such pressures in life, believers could consider being faithful to God as the best legacy

prepared for married people despite changing times as everyone knows that the God of the Bible

never changes.

Conceptual Clarification Regarding Extramarital

Affairs in the Contemporary Church

Extramarital sex is primarily a biological characteristic that involves intercourse between

two or more persons who are not duly married to each other. This has to do with sexual relations

between persons outside marriage, basically committed with one other than one’s spouse.i In that

sense, human beings everywhere have only two sexes, except for a few rarely occurring genetic

or hormonal anomalies, a few of which are understood clearly, a few of whom are not. It has

been esterblished here that extramarital sex referred to intercourse between two parties outside

married. One can refer to it as a sexual relationship between a man who is either married or

single and a woman that is either married or single but still get involved in sex with another

person other than his or her partner.

2
 Accordingly, while we live on earth as Christians, we are the product of many cultures

and each of these cultures also contains a set of norms describing the proper use of sexual

physiology. Most of these cultures are again extramarital sex, while a few of these are not

contradicting it. One thing that is obvious in this research is that sex usually affects the quality of

a relationship, be it extramarital or premarital sex. In the case of extramarital sex, which is the

main standpoint of our discussion, it is apparent in this study that some husbands and wives are

experiencing serious heartaches due to their partners' unfaithfulness. Particularly regarding sex

and this study reveals that most of the marital infidelity and secrete affairs recorded recently are

invariably caused by sexual starvation, deprivation or naïveness in the part of any partner

concern in the marriage relationship.ii

The Church has gradually been damaged in the inside due to some Church members and

ministers' secrete lives. One may be conversant with the fact that extramarital affairs also known

as extramarital sex is a desecration or defilement of married people by getting involved in sexual

intercourse with partners outside their matrimonial home. Knowing fully that God designs the

family to suit his plan, Satan is not comfortable with such a family plan. He is devising plans to

scatter it by luring believers to extramarital sex. The issue of extramarital sex has been one of the

serious problems confronting the contemporary Church. The clusters of Christians in the Church

suffer from poverty, and when offered the test of sex for monetary benefit, they tend to succumb

easily. Today, details available to Pastors reveal that more young able-bodied men are gradually

being lured into the act of extramarital sex; under the disguise of having ‘fresh air’ to dispel

stress. This is also seen as a means of survival open by the so-called sugar mummies, particularly

in the Nigerian so-called progressive or advance cities. One can assert that it is merely traditional

to believe that more men than women tend to have extramarital affairs because they spend more

time in social places, workplaces and relaxation centers where they can easily be exposed to find

commercial sex workers.iii

3
 No doubt, God created male and female for three main purposes which include:

complementary purposes, companionship, and for communication in marriage but most people

take sexual intercourse as something they cannot forgo even when they are bound in the

covenant of marriage. Particularly, if one does not understand the purpose of marriage, they

could misbehave.iv Extramarital affairs (EMA), are estimated to have occurred in 20% - 70% of

all marriages all over the world and are defined by researchers in various ways. The beginning of

an EMA in any marriage often marks a significant shift and difference in the development of

Christian marriage. This can be termed “a transition, through time, from the promise of

monogamy through an act or acts of betrayal of a sexual and/or emotionally intimate nature of

that promise, as perceived by one or both parties”.v

The Problem of Extra Marital Affairs

There are many problems associated with extramarital affairs, and these problems are

either social, psychological, spiritual or educational problems. In most cases, when spouses are

involved in extramarital affairs, they tend to be having social problems like not admiring their

partners any longer. At times they prefer to stay apart, which may lead to separation and eventual

divorce due to the inability of one or all of the partner’s involvement in extramarital affairs in

most cases the partner may not be able to keep to one partner again in life. Such partners should

note that getting involved in extramarital affairs does not improve anything positive in marriage

right except the abounding negative implications. Solomon in the Bible, despite being the wisest

king of his time had gone through many affairs and came to a point in life that he said,

“Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is

meaningless” (Eccl. 1:2 NIV).

The preacher continues that he is a teacher and a king over Israel in Jerusalem. He has

devoted himself to be skillful and educated and to explore by wisdom all that is done under

heaven and has seen that all that the people are doing under the sun are meaningless. It is like

4
chasing after the wind and observes that when one allows he or herself to be twisted, such a

person can hardly be straightened he continued that, “I thought to myself, “Look, I have grown

and increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have

experienced much of wisdom and knowledge.” Then I applied myself to the understanding of

wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind”

(Eccl 1:12-17). Some husbands and even wives continue to explore many women and men only

to catch up with a disease that could bring impending danger in their homes. In fact, some die

leaving children because of the disease they catch up with at the process of their infidelity. Some

people have fallen from the faith to crown it up, still never catching up with any fun they wanted

to catch; it is like a mirage and looking like one that struggles to catch the wind (Proverbs 11:29;

Eccl. 1:17, 2:17).

Factors that Necessitate or Compel Extramarital Affair

Many reasons make men and women to be involved in extramarital affairs. Some of the

main factors include the ungodly passion, pride, and lust in the heart of the persons involved. In

all, the flesh's act can be said to be the main factor responsible for extramarital sex. “The acts of

the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and

witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy;

drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will

not inherit the kingdom of God” (Gal 5:19-21 NIV). Since these are the main reasons

extramarital affairs occur, it is possible to give it its antidote, which Apostle Paul offers as the

Holy Spirit's fruits. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,

faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law. Those who belong

to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the

Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying

each other” (Gal 5:22-26 NIV). Believers could also guard against extramarital affairs by seeking

5
to meet our partners' deepest needs for affection, security, friendship, and sexual fulfillment.

Believers should be found prayerful and allow the Holy Spirit to always guide them to wherever

they want to go. Maybe the best prevention for extramarital affairs is to plan a good sex time

with the man or the woman we believers married to.vi

This study shows that married people seek out or succumb to extramarital affairs when

they feel devalued, less attended to or less than fully alive. They are lonely or bored,

overburdened or less cared for. Most genuine Christian couples that had affairs also had a child’s

deep longing to be touched caressed, held, hugged and kissed, whether they admit it or not and if

this not forthcoming as regular as possible in the marital home while we live here on earth then,

one cannot doubt the fact that there will be need for a probe. Some of these spouses, when

consulted, would complain that they want happy surprises that are not forthcoming. Some want

some kind of complementary feelings like the presence of shared ideas, experiences, stories, and

games that are not forthcoming, leading to depression if care is not taken could lead to

extramarital affairs. Especially now that most newly married couple and even age-long ones need

to be looked on as fresh, they want a loving friend, a pal, a playmate who is not judgmental in

dealing and not a boss or a bully who does not listen or pay attention to feelings. The following

are some further factors that bring about extramarital affairs that has been identified at the course

of this study.

Lack of Sincerity Between Christian Couples: When believers keep a lot of secrets and do not

want the partner to know certain things in life, the Devil can quickly capitalize on this can of life

to encourage extramarital affairs in the lives of the couple. When the man is not comfortable

with the sexual libido or virtue of the wife, it is expected of him to calmly speak to the wife what

he wants his wife to do, but in most situations, the Christian husband will be quiet and is dying in

silence so applicable to the wife. If such a situation lingers for too long, the man or the woman

could begin to have some suggestions coming to him to be involved in premarital sex.

6
Health Issues: Certain Christian couples are not healthy sexually. Some were not healthy before

they get married, while others were healthy before getting married but as time goes, the fellow

partner begins to have an alternative as to have multiple sex partners due to the ill-health of the

other partner. If care is not taken when such an individual got him or herself involved in such

action, he may not stop again until God’s intervention. Some married couples are shy of

speaking about their health challenge to their spouse of which if this is humbly done two are

better than one; they may together find a solution to the pressing but a pending problem that is

eating them in their family.

Discontentment with God’s Plan for One: An average human being is not always contented with

the position he finds himself. In a similar case, some Christian brethren are not merely contented

with their partners and so they tend to keep looking for more outside, believing that they may

eventually get the best of sex outside of the marital homes only to find that “vanity is vanity says

the preacher”, which means that there is nothing special about seeking for extramarital sex

outside of the marital home.

Lack of Love for the Partner: The lack of contentment basically could also be said to be noticed

for the lack of love in one of the partners' lives. When the husband or the wife started to lose the

affection he or she has for the partner. His flesh begins to inform him to have an alternative. To

worsen the situation in this contemporary world that the issue of equality is now making men to

see that women are rubbing shoulder with them in Christian homes. Most men seem to gradually

lose confidence on their wives and tend to be attracted to other so-called humble ladies outside of

their matrimonial home.

Peacalesness and lack of Understanding among Couples: Incompatibility often causes

peacelessness, but many things bring about peacelessness at home. Most often, peacelessness

comes as a result of one partner not doing what the other partner wants; even though it is

impossible to do all that one’s partner wants. It is somewhat necessary to try and learn each other

7
so that both partners gradually adjust and improve to be better couple; even if they are not

perfect couples in the marriage relationship, it is necessary to improve. When the lack of

understanding continues to strive in a Christian home, there is a likelihood that the house may

crumble and fail apart due to depression, paranoia and the general lack of peace in the home.vii

Social and Spiritual Imbalance or Backwardness: The modern world has a lot of things to offer.

When one partner understands computer and technological equipment more than the other and

the gap is so wide, it is very possible that the social life of the couple is not balance and to

worsen the situation when the other partner seem more expose to life and experience far apart

from the other partner either due to long-standing educational or traveling exposure among

others, the social of such partner will be higher than the other thereby causing a great setback in

the marriage relationship. Regarding the spiritual imbalance, when the Partner ‘A’ is more

spiritual than partner ‘B’ and the gap is so wide, there will be a tendency that what partner ‘A’ is

doing will never be understood by partner ‘B’ and the vice versa. This spiritual imbalance can

also bring about extramarital affairs in the lives of both couple because it may lead to a lot of

misunderstanding which may also eventually result to quarrels and the end result of such is the

alternative which is the extramarital affairs.

Communication Gap: By the time one partner does not communicate effectively with the other

partner. The gap may result to frustration in the life of the other partner and could lead to

demoralization and discouragement, which in most cases is leading to extramarital affairs in the

lives of Christian homes. This is very often because the partners involved are not communicating

with one another due to some misunderstanding or inadequacies observable and acclaimed by

one partner against the other. Al Helal (2013) study on Indian drama serials broadcasted in

Bangladesh also found a negative relation and unhealthy communication between the spouses.

The study also examined the extramarital concerns that were depicted in Indian drama serials.

For example, in the drama serial, Keya Hua Tera Wada’ hero was shown to have illegal relations

8
with other girls despite having three children. These extramarital relations were depicted in such

a gentle way to the viewers as it seemed that extramarital relation is a critical ingredient for the

family.viii

Inadequate Home Training: The home that is strongly built today has a foundation. We know

that husbands who are appropriately trained in their family house to care and love their wives

could do better when they are married because they have been taught how to care and lead the

family from their youth. Also, the woman who has be trained at home by her parents could do

better when she grows and eventually got married because she will not be learning afresh as

much. She will find her implementing the virtues that have been taught to her by her parents

while still with them in the family house. Indeed, each one of us is a product of our training at

home. Greater mistakes and errors could easily be avoided if the couples are adequately trained

at home before getting married. We cannot expect maturity in the lives of the teams who are not

sufficiently instructed or educated at home before marriage. It is imperative to note that we have

two kinds of education: formal and informal education. The formal education is that which

classroom teaches us how to do things in life while the informal education which is referred here

is the training we often received from our parents or elders at home most often before we get

married they are very vital in helping us to cope with live as we advance in life.

Insincerity, Lust, And Worldliness: Some couples are simply being tempted in their lost to fall

into the sin of extramarital sex. In the first place, they have been insincere in their dealing with

their spouse, they never tell the truth to themselves in love. They admire certain person so

grievously outside their matrimonial home for such long time that if care is not taken could lead

to extramarital affairs. If the couples are sincere with themselves and are not really comfortable

with such act, they will resist it and find a way of sharing certain moves that are negative by the

external intruder in their matrimonial homes and may seek help where necessary on the way out

of such behaviour. It is likely true that when a woman, some women for the desperate need to

9
express their masculinity or freedom against the suppression of men commit lesbianism and

other extramarital sexual act even though married.ix

Friends and Peers Pressures or Influence: We are social beings and will always want to keep a

friend. But when we keep the negative friends that will not lead us to the right part in the Lord,

we stand a chance to be deceived so easily. The people have friends that are luring many women

into seeking alternative sex partners as a result of the pressure or abandonment that they are

getting from their husbands at home and many Christian husbands are being advised by their

friends to keep girlfriends outside of their matrimonial homes because of the pressing challenges

the man is facing with his wife and in this contemporary era it is referred to as “fresh air” but in

most cases such a sin is likely being induced by economic hardship.x However, it is imperative to

state here that peer pressure is not always bad because if one gets the positive friends, they can

be great friends that may of immense help to the peer but peer even among the married people as

obtainable in the singles can either influence one positively or negatively depending on the kind

of company one keeps.xi

Cultural Connotation: There are many ethnic groups within Africa that are not against

extramarital affairs. In such cultures, they allow visitors to sleep with their wives in a designated

room as part of the welcome. Some do so to some selected person whom they believe they want

such species in their lineage and this encourages extramarital affairs in the lives of Christian

couples. Even though believers live in a contemporary world, certain persons are still holding

firmly to their culture and not looking at the implication of their actions as believers; this

situation is not biblically right.

10
 Way Forward on how to Avoid

Extra-Marital Affairs in the Postmodern World

For the Church to have the most workable way forward on curbing the menace of

extramarital sex, greater emphasis must be put on sex education in our Churches and our schools

but with care not worsen the situation, counsellors should carefully examine their own values

about the phenomena of extramarital affairs and their consequences in the contemporary Church.

There might be cross-cultural differences regarding honesty, shame and humiliation but for

believers, the Bible should remain our standard. Counsellors are expected to be properly trained

to handle sexual related issues and to watch themselves least they also will be guilty of the same

sin they preached against. So, this study reveals a critical phase where the counselor needs to

make it clear that there is the time for the couple to decide whether to recommend or quit.xii

There is no need to make new laws governing extramarital affairs in the court of law as they are

secular and various religions are involved to solve this problem. Its implementation will depend

largely on the wishes of the couples. But ignoring the act of husband that has led the wife to

suicide is definitely illegal, immoral and criminal, whether biblical of statutory.xiii

Conclusion

The issue of extramarital involvement is a matter of concern for most Christian

Counsellors. There is a need to address this issue in couple’s therapy. Various therapeutic models

have been given and there is a need for more empirical studies. Most of the therapy models

involve emotional processing, cognitive appraisal and behavioral change. Therapy process and

the outcome are influenced by the client’s attributes, skills, and beliefs of the counsellors and the

influence of those outside therapies like friends, family and other professionals. The therapy

room has to become a nurturing womb for the couple to recreate intimacy, a safe place to relearn

trust, rediscover hope and sometimes, when required, a place to learn to say a respectful good-

bye. Research in this field is also quite challenging due to trauma, shame, and secrets inhibiting

11
potential participants. Having understood this, there is a need for better documentation and

retrospective research for building up of knowledge. Thus, practitioners need to cautiously

approach this area, see current research findings as only a tentative idea about clients’ lives and

keep building it up with their own experiences in the field.

God can help any family involved in extramarital affairs, but the implication that God

will heal every time believers are faithful enough is wrong; he can heal but does not heal all

cancer. He does prevent accidents but never heal all car accident injuries; he intervenes in

pregnancies but never remedy all congenital childhood disabilities. God can elongate our age but

does not keep everyone from dying.xiv The situation of extramarital sex is even becoming worse

now that even with physically challenged people, some couples do not spear them in terms of

struggling to have affairs with them.xv

Recommendation

The following recommendations have been identified in the course of this study

1. Gospel ministers should seek God's counsel in their attempt to interpret the Bible and

never to allow modernity to dictate the mode of Biblical interpretation in the

contemporary Church.

2. There should be regular marriage seminars in the theological seminaries at least two

times before the seminary goes on semesters break, preferably one before mid-semester

and the other after mid-semester.

3. Authors who write books on marriage should not be shy in explaining to the newly

married couples on how to handle sexual related issues at the home front.

4. Christian women should work harder and learn better on how best to care for their

husbands sexually.

5. Christian husbands should avoid eating whatever will reduce their sexual potency to cater

to the sexual need of their wives effectively.

12
6. Husbands and wives should work towards being better spouses rather than setting eyes on

sexual side traction outside of their matrimonial home.

7. Christian families should intensify prayers to overcome the impending dangers associated

with sex outside marriage.

8. There is a need for marital adjustment between husbands and wives in many Christian

homes in this postmodern era.

9. The church should make provision for sex and relationship education for the newly

wedded couples. To a great extent, this will go a long way to help the spiritual, physical,

emotional, and moral development of young Christian couples in their marital homes.

10. There should be a decisive and drastic step taken by the Church's leadership at different

administrative levels to handle anyone found having extramarital affairs. Such a person

could be handed over to the disciplinary committee for observation, psychological re-

orientation, therapeutic adjustment and spiritual help.

11. Church all over Nigeria should set aside time on Sundays to teach people ways to desist

from extramarital affairs and the spiritual, social, and psychological implications

involved.

13
 Bibliography

i
Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary: International Student’s Edition. 7th Edition. (Oxford:
The University of Oxford Press, Longman, Chambers, 1948), 518.
ii
Akinsola, Jerry. Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. (Lagos: Danobish Creative Prints, 2017), 13-14.
iii
Moraro, Marube A. Establishing Attitudes on Extramarital Affairs among Married People and
Those in Committed Relationships in Kenya: Scholars Journal of Arts, Humanities and
Social Sciences. Nairobi: University of Nairobi, Kenya), 627. Available Online:
http://saspjournals.com/sjahss.
iv
Oloyede, Akinwale. The Pursuit of Sexual Purity. (Osogbo: Hirise Celebrity Publishers, 2014),
13-16.
v
Zapien, Nicolle. The Beginning of an Extra-Marital Affair: A Descriptive Phenomenological
Psychological Study and Clinical Implications. (California: California Institute of
Integral Studies, 2016), 3.
vi
Young, Ed. From Bad Beginnings to Happy Endings. In McGuiness,Tom. Extra-Marital
Affairs. (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers., 1994), 122-123.
vii
Rivera,González de J. L. Age, Sex, and Marital Status Differences in Minor Psychiatric
Morbidity, (Canary Islands: Department of Psychiatry, Medical School, University of La
Laguna Tenerife, 1991), 9.
viii
Nauman, Sial Yasar Arafat. A Study of Extra Marital Relations in Urdu Dramas: A
Qualitative Analysis (Pakistan: Pakistan Journal of Gender Studies 251 Vol. 20 (1),
Centre of Excellence for Women‟s Studies, University of Karachi, 2020), 255.
ix
Weininger, Otto. Sex and Character An Investigation of Fundamental Principles.
(Bloomington: North Morton Street Indiana University Press, 2005), 58-60
iuporder@indiana.edu. cited 15 October, 2020.
x
Deschênes, Olivier. Sex Preferences, Marital Dissolution and the Economic Status of Women.
(Santa Barbara: Department of Economics University of California, 2003), 16-18.
xi
Nihinlola, Emiola. Josiah A. Christian Sexuality: A youth Discipleship Handbook on Sex
Educaation. (Ogbomoso: Kingdom Impact Publishing and Media Limited, 2017), 119-
120.
xii
Janis, Spring. A. After The Affair: Healing The Pain And Rebuilding Trust When A Partner
Has Been Unfaithful. (New York: Harper Collins, 1996), n.p.
xiii
Lusterman, Don-David. Couples Therapy for Extramarital Affairs, Accessed: 4th October,
2020 https://www.apa.org/pubs/videos/4310816, 2008.

14
xiv
Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Lies Women Believe (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2001), 159. Cited:
October, 10th 2020. One Woman’s Story: Adultery, Prayer and the Bible. Gbaskerville
Jan 20th, 2020; Christians and Divorce, First-person stories, Gaslighting Examples,
Standers, http://lifesavingdivorce.com/one-womans-story-adultery-and-the-bible/
xv
Mcruer, Robert. Sex and disability, (London: Duke University Press, 201 2), 359.

15