1he unlverse

l 1old ?ou So














hapLer 1
1he Worldof AdverLlslng
Whlle aLLendlng presLlglous buslness school a raLher hlghLoned and fancy Lo do professor wlLh
a furry caL and a very large haL once Lold meaL a Lea parLy of selecL sLudenLs eople are sLupldLhaL ls
why buslness works" AcLually LhaL's a lle l've never been Lo buslness school and deflanLly noL a
presLlglous one l'm a Lerrlble salesman and never parLlclpaLed ln all Lhe Lrlvlal llLLle elemenLary school
fund ralsers because my parenLs never leL me l was a shelLered chlld and ln facL declded Lo wrlLe Lhls
book when l was only nlneLeen years of age l once sald LhaL Lo a frlend who came Lo me ecsLaLlc abouL
some producL he had boughL from an lnfomerclal on 1v And llke all of our favorlLe klLchen appllances
and 1v boughL Cxy mops Lhey break or fall ln some way My sources say LhaL Lhese sllly producLs of a
very lngenlous mlnd l say lngenlous because only a genlus can caplLallze off of Lhe sLupldlLy of hls own
race only Lruly saLlsfylng a lonely 0001 of Lhe naLlon whlch ls Lo say LhaL for every 3000 only 3 Lruly
geL anyLhlng ouL of lL 8uL LhaL number looks sLlll way Loo good lL would make much more sense Lo say
LhaL for every one person only 1/1000 of LhaL person's enLlre belng and exlsLence really loves LhaL sllly
Cxy mop now LhaL one lonely number And yeL people sLlll buy Lhem
8uL hey? uoesn'L Lhe Cxy clean guy and Lhe ferreL LhaL llves on hls face [usL wanL you Lo buy
anyLhlng from hlm no maLLer how rldlculous? (spoken ln Lhe way of Lhe Cxy) Pey Lveryone! 1lred of
uslng you old lame combs Lo comb your halr?! Wlll Lhen plck up your credlL card and cell phone and call
1800CM8S8uS and for only $1993 + SP we'll send you Lhls package of seven ulllL8Ln1
88lCP1L? CLC8Lu vL8? SPnAZ? nLCn CLCW ln 1PL uA8k CM8S!!! Pow convenlenL! Cne for each
day of Lhe week! And walL lf you call now we'll send you Lhls solld gold exLra long and fancy comb for
l8LL!!! A $1000 value absoluLely l8LL lf you call now! So whaL are you walLlng for?!? Clve us your
credlL card number now and we'll send you your combs ln a week or Lwo!! (mumbled small prlnL) Ah
yes we've all heard Lhem and know Lhem well
now l'm noL plcklng on Lhe Cxymorman or hls ferreL buL he ls an example we can all relaLe Lo
now [usL Lo sLarL Lhlngs off how abouL LhaL volce? Ch boy does lL geL your aLLenLlon! Cf course l'm noL
sure whaL a yak dylng wlLh a megaphone would sound llke buL l'm preLLy sure lL would geL your
aLLenLlon Loo