Scottish Jokes and Quips A poor woman from Aberdeen, who had lost her husband was visited

on the day after the sad event by a good neighbour, who, to her surprise, found the newly made widow, instead of being wrapped in conventional grief, busily occupied in supping a basin of bread and milk with evident relish. Oh. Maggie, said the visitor. I'm glad to see that you're not taking the loss of your man sore to the heart. You are looking real well. Well, Jess, replied the widow, you needn't say that. I was just weeping before I took this milk and bread, and once I have supped it, I'll start weeping again Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection. Did you hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years? Sandy MacTavish is walking home with too much to drink, finally he decides to lie down by the side of the road for a wee sleep. In the morning a fellow Scot is walking down the same road with a live chicken under his arm. The chicken is squawking and wings a flapping. Sandy awakes to the noise, rubs his eyes and says that it brings a tear to his eye when he hears the pipes. Tourist: " I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip." Highland Waiter: " Let me add up that bill again sir." Little Sandy was in the habit of sucking his thumb all the time. His mother tried everything to break him of the habit. Finally, one day she pointed to a fat man with a very large stomach and said that the man had grown his stomach because he did not stop sucking his thumb. The next day the child was with his mother in a supermarket, and he kept staring at a woman with a stomach that was obviously not normal. In fact the woman was very pregnant. Finally the irate woman said to the child, " Stop staring at me like that. You don't know who I am." " No, " said the boy, " but I do know what you have been doing." Donald McPherson, a very tight man, was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass that was broken, which he could buy for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, he received a reply. " Thanks for the vase." it read. " It was thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately." There are two things a Scot likes naked. One of them is malt whisky! Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself. However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut the rope and saved his life. Sandy, true to form, sent Donald a bill for the cost of the rope. Dad: " Did you use the car last night ? "

Little Sandy: " Yes, Dad. I took some of the boys for a ride." Dad: " Well, tell them I found two of their lipsticks." Teacher: " What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested ? " Little Sandy: " A teacher." Donald: " I always feel that I'm covered in gold paint, doctor." Psychiatrist: " Oh, that's just your gilt complex." That old lonely lovely way of living in Highland places -twenty years a-growing, twenty years flowering, twenty years declining - father to son, mother to daughter giving rich tradition; peaceful bounty flowing; one harmony, all tones of life combining - old, wise ways, passed like the dust blowing. - Douglas Young In the highlands, in the country places, Where the old men have rosy faces, And the young maidens Quiet eyes. - Robert Louis Stevenson Marriages are all happy, it's having breakfast together that causes most of the trouble. A cat's a tiger in his own house. In your own home, you 're the boss. Seems that a Clan Chiefs daughter was offered as a bride to the son of a neighboring Chief in exchange for two cows and four sheep. The big swap was to happen on the shore of the stream that separated the two clans. Father and daughter showed up at the appointed time only to discover that the groom and his livestock were on the other side of the stream. The father grunted, '' The fool doesn't know which side his bride is bartered on." A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married." " So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you." "Young Donald, " said the angry father from the top of the stairs, " didn't I just hear the clock strike four when you brought my daughter in ? " " You did, " admitted Donald. " It was going to strike eleven, but I grabbed it and held the gong so it wouldn't disturb you." The father muttered, " Why didn't I think of that one in my courting days ! " Scotland suffers from only one thing - too much England. Sandy: " Please whisper those three little words that will make me walk on air." Girl: " Go hang yourself! " Sandy: " Will you marry me ? " Girlfriend: " No, but I'll always admire your good taste. " McLeod asked the conductor how much the bus fare into the city was. " Fifteen

cents, " said the conductor. McLeod thought this was a bit much so he decided to run behind the bus for a few stops. " How much is it now ? " he gasped. " Still fifteen cents, " said the conductor. McLeod ran three further stops behind the bus and was barely able to ask the conductor again what the fare was now. " Twenty cents, " said the conductor. " You're running in the wrong direction." What's the difference between a tightrope and a Scotsman ? A tightrope sometimes gives. An old Scotsman was watching a game of golf for the first time. " What do you think of it ?" asked a friend. " It looks to me, " was the reply, " like a harmless little ball chased by men too old to chase anything else." McTavish was traveling by rail in America. He asked the railway clerk for a ticket to Springfield. " Which Springfield, mister ? " asked the clerk. " Missouri, Ohio, or Massachusetts ? " " Which is cheapest ? " If you lie down with dogs you'll rise up with fleas. In the Northern Highlands, an impatient fanner knocked at the door of neighboring farmhouse. The daughter of the house answered. " Is your father in ? " asked the neighbor. " No. " said the daughter. " He's at the Inverness farmers market. If it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is $50.00" " No it's not that" said the neighbor. " Well. " said the daughter. " If it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's $40." " No, it's not that. " said the neighbor. " How about the small Highland bull." said the daughter. " The service of that bull is only $30." The neighbor rudely interrupted the daughter. " That's not what I've come about. Your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant. My wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it." " Oh, well." said the daughter. " You'll have to see my father yourself. I don't know what he charges for Sandy." Donald: " Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie ? " Sandy: " Seen one ? I married one ! "

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