Woman's Ire Focused On Men Who Can't See Past Glasses: Dear Abby For May 15, 1991

Woman's Ire Focused on Men Who Can't See
Past Glasses
life
by Abigail Van Buren

Dear Abby | May 15th, 1991 | Letter 1 of 3
DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old, reasonably attractive woman. I dress stylishly and wear subtle
makeup. I am very nearsighted and wear glasses because I can't tolerate hard or soft contact lenses.
(Believe me, I have tried.)
Abby, it infuriates me when men (whether they are dates or not), casual acquaintances or co-workers
think I should feel complimented when they say, "You'd be much prettier without your glasses."
I am sometimes tempted to say, "And you'd be even more handsome with a little more hair on your
head -- or less padding around your middle." Or, "You'd be a much nicer person if you had better
manners!"
Abby, please tell these oafs to look in a mirror before they start giving women fashion advice. Thanks.
-- FOUR EYES AND WELL-ADJUSTED
DEAR WELL-ADJUSTED: Resist that old saw, "The best defense is a good offense."
Heed the wise words of author Letty Cottin Pogrebin: "Men who never make passes at women with
glasses are asses."
Also consider the advantage for those who wear glasses: In a romantic situation, when the glasses are
removed, it's a clear signal that someone is going to get kissed!
life
Dear Abby for May 15, 1991

DEAR ABBY: Until late last fall, I was a registered voter in Clackamas County, Oregon. After you
urged people to vote, I decided to re-register after changing my address to the local jail where I am
being held pending trial, since address changes need to be recorded per Oregon law.
The response I received was a note attached to a photocopy that stated, "I am unable to process your
registration until you have completed your sentence." It was attached to a copy of a citation of Oregon
law that, in effect, stated that a person with a felony conviction loses the right to vote during the term
of imprisonment.
As "Illinois Voter" stated (in your column), "If each community made it easier to vote, more people
would vote."
It took letters to the Elections Division, assistant county attorney and Clackamas County Clerk, as well
as secretary of state and then-Gov.-Elect Barbara Roberts -- but I continue to be a registered voter as of
Dec. 17, 1991, as the laws of the state and the nation provide.
Civil rights for all! What do you say, Abby? -- NO. 90-2310
DEAR "90": Convicted felons are denied the right to vote, but one is presumed innocent until proven
guilty.
life

By popular request, Abby shares more of her favorite prize-winning, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order,
send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in
Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054 (Postage is
included.)
life
YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE AIDS CAN BE PASSED

THROUGH SEX

DEAR ABBY: Recently you ran a letter from "Helen in K.C" that raised the issue of whether or not to
include AIDS as the cause of death in an obituary. One statement in that letter concerned me deeply, so
I hope you will print this in order to correct the misinformation.
The sentence: "Due to ignorance, many people think AIDS is a venereal disease -- which it is not."
Abby, I am the manager of the AIDS Education Project at California State University, Sacramento.
Please advise your readers that AIDS IS a sexually transmitted disease (the term "venereal disease"
was phased out several years ago).
AIDS can be transmitted through an infected person by one of three ways: 1) sex (without protection),
including penis to vagina, penis to mouth, penis to rectum, mouth to vagina, mouth to rectum, or
sharing sex toys; 2) direct blood-to-blood contact, including sharing hypodermic needles, tattoo
equipment, sex toys or razor blades; 3) infected mothers may pass the virus to their unborn babies
during pregnancy, delivery or through breast feeding.
People who believe that AIDS cannot be transmitted through sex are operating without clear and
accurate information. AIDS is a non-discriminatory, equal-opportunity sexually transmitted disease. --
SUSAN FELDMAN, CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, SACRAMENTO
DEAR MS. FELDMAN: The sentence that concerns you concerns me even more because a crucial
word was inadvertently omitted. The sentence, "Due to ignorance, many people think AIDS is a
venereal disease -- which it is not," should have read: "Due to ignorance, many people think AIDS is
exclusively a sexually transmitted disease-- which it is not."
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DEAR ABBY: We are 28 third-graders at Sumter Christian School in Sumter, S.C. Sometimes Mrs.
Tomlinson reads the class stuff out of your column. You said a lady wanted to name her baby after you
but her husband wouldn't let her.
We think Abby is a beautiful name. We have 50 eggs in an incubator in our classroom. They will hatch
out to be cute little baby chicks on May 10 and we will name one of our baby chicks Abby after you if
that is OK with you.
Could you please send us your picture that you have signed? We will put it on the wall next to the one
Mrs. Bush sent us. Write soon, as we are out of school May 31. Thank you and goodbye. Sign this ...
MRS. TOMLINSON'S THIRD-GRADERS
DEAR THIRD-GRADERS AND MRS. TOMLINSON: I would be honored to have one of your baby
chicks named after me. My picture (signed) is on its way.
life

What teen-agers need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with their peers and parents is
now in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a long,
business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear
Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
life
PARENTS' RELUCTANCE TO DISCUSS SEX DISTURBS

THIS CANDID MOM

DEAR ABBY: I hope that by printing this letter it will make other parents do some serious thinking
about their relationships with their teens.
My neighbor's 17-year-old daughter and the daughter's 16-year-old girlfriend spent two hours talking
to me about boys and sex. The 17-year-old is thinking about having sex with her boyfriend. While I
certainly did not encourage it, I did talk openly about safe-sex practices and birth control. I also
explained why it would be better if she waited until she is older and more mature.
What bothers me the most is, why aren't these girls talking to their own mothers? The girls are friends
of my teen-aged sons -- that is how they know me.
Abby, it isn't my place to talk to them about these things, but since I'm the only one they trust, I won't
betray them. My sons and I are very open with each other, and we discuss everything they have on
their minds.
I wish more parents would listen to their kids -- even if what the kids say may shock and dismay them.
Parents shouldn't judge -- they should just be there for their children. -- SOMEBODY ELSE'S MOM
DEAR MOM: The neighbors' kids are talking to you because they are not comfortable talking to their
own moms (or dads). How lucky for them that you are there for them.
Unfortunately, not all parents are comfortable talking to their teens about safe-sex practices and birth
control. Some may even resent the fact that their children are getting information from a neighbor
(you) that they, their own parents, would be reluctant to give them.
I say, if kids ask -- they are old enough to know. What our children don't know can hurt them.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to you for advice about a dilemma that I never thought would happen to
me.
Several months ago, I asked a girl to attend the high school prom with me. She didn't say yes, but she
didn't say no either. A couple of weeks later, I asked her again, and she was very evasive. Tired of her
games, I asked another girl and she said yes right away. When the first girl found out that I had asked
someone else to the prom, she became moody and distant. Then I found out through the grapevine that
she had bought a prom dress on the assumption that she was going with me.
I have no sympathy for her. Her indefinite replies left me second-guessing, so I asked somebody else.
Now several people seem to think that I am at fault. The way I see it, since I asked her twice without
getting a definite response, I think I should be allowed to ask somebody else. Am I right? -- SELF-
DEFENSE
DEAR SELF-DEFENSE: You are absolutely right, beyond a shadow of a doubt!

life

Abby's family recipes are included in her cookbooklet. Send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus
check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount
Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
UNWANTED CATALOGS THREATEN TO
SWAMP READER'S MAILBOX
life

DEAR ABBY: About a year and a half ago, I moved to a retirement facility in Oregon. Ever since, I
have been swamped with mail-order catalogs (unsolicited) to the point that when the mail is delivered
each day, there are more catalogs delivered than my mailbox can hold!
In the past you have, from time to time, printed an address to which one could write in order to put a
stop to this nuisance. Would you please print it again? I am ... KNEE-DEEP IN JUNK MAIL
DEAR KNEE-DEEP: Not only do some catalog companies make money by selling their merchandise;
they also make a bundle by selling their customer lists to one another. Therefore, once you order
anything by catalog you may find yourself on many other mailing lists, and the recipient of many
unwanted solicitations.
If you shop at home but want to lessen the unsolicited advertising mail you receive, simply ask the
companies with which you do business not to rent your name to other mailers.
Your other option, the Mail Preference Service, screens out the national advertising mail and should be
used by consumers who do not want to receive such solicitations. To have your name deleted from
these lists, write to: Mail Preference Service, Direct Marketing Association Inc., P.O. Box 3861, New
York, N.Y. 10163-3861. There is no charge for this service.
life

DEAR ABBY: I thought I'd share with you a very poignant letter that appeared in the San Francisco
Chronicle recently. Perhaps you will want to share it with your readers. -- S.K. IN HAYWARD,
CALIF.
DEAR S.K.: I think it is well worth sharing with my readers. It appeared in the "Letters to the Editor"
section, and here it is:
LOOKlNG FOR A PARADE
Can I march in your parade, too? I came back from World War II after being in five battles, and I don't
remember any ticker tape.
We were near Japan on VJ Day and didn't get to participate, unlike some of the lucky National
Guardsmen in the latest short war.
In 1945, we were so jumpy from kamikaze attacks that we had a general quarters alarm after the
Japanese surrendered. It was very remote from the joyful madness I saw displayed in pictures of
Market Street.
Our ship's company had not seen civilization in over a year, and it was another eight months before I
was mustered out.
Can I be in your parade now? -- ROBERT L. HEATON, LAFAYETTE, CALIF.

life

CONFIDENTIAL TO G.H. IN OTTAWA, CANADA: "The more things a man is ashamed of, the more
respectable he is." (George Bernard Shaw) You, sir, are a very respectable man.
life

To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-
addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter
Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
life
Passing Motorist Throws Out More Than Baby's Bathwater

DEAR ABBY: Your recent column on litterbugs brought back a vivid memory that illustrates how
expensive being a litterbug can be.
We live in a very nice neighborhood in Portland, Ore. We have a beautiful yard with many hedges and
bushes. One day, a passing motorist tossed a disposable diaper from his car. As he flung it out the
window, it caught on his gold watchband, sending the watch flying along with the diaper!
Of course, we picked up both pieces of litter, disposed of one, repaired the other, and my husband wore
that beautiful gold watch for 12 years before he replaced it. That happened 20 years ago, and to this
day I still don't mind picking up litter. You never know what you'll find! -- MARION IN OREGON
DEAR MARION: My, how time flies! (Sorry, I couldn't resist it.) And speaking of disposing of litter
by tossing it out the car window, read on:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were driving down a country road when a car passed us and a person
on the passenger side tossed a lighted cigarette out the window. The cigarette landed on the back of a
pickup truck carrying a load of hay! A small fire started. The driver, who was directly in front of us,
was unaware of the fire, so we sounded our horn and kept at it until we caught up with him and
motioned for him to stop, which fortunately he was able to do.
I shudder to think what could have happened had his gas tank exploded. -- CLOSE CALL IN
WISCONSIN
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DEAR ABBY: A very dear friend from Los Angeles came to visit me in San Diego over her spring
break. (She lives in L.A. with her parents.) Both of us are relatively young (22) and struggling for our
financial independence. We had a great time during her stay here.
However, she did something that really bothered me, and I don't know how to handle it. She kept
calling her boyfriend in Los Angeles -- at least twice a day -- and she also accepted collect calls from
him without my knowledge or consent.
After one of his "collect" calls, I told her I was on a tight budget and couldn't afford a large phone bill,
but she made another call as if I had said nothing to her.
Now I am reluctant to have her over any more due to the fact that she has no consideration for my
feelings or my pocketbook.
When and how should I let her know how I feel about this? -- UNCERTAIN
DEAR UNCERTAIN: Send your "very dear friend" a copy of your telephone bill with her calls plainly
encircled with a note: "I know you would want to pay for your calls."
And in the future, do not welcome anyone into your home who has no consideration for your feelings
or your pocketbook.
life

Dear Abby's Cookbooklet is a collection of favorite recipes -- all tested, tried and terrific! To order,
send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear
Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
life
Adoptive Parents Fight Real Battle Against Insensitivity

DEAR ABBY: As a teacher, I appreciate the way you often use your column to educate the public. I
felt I had to respond to "Proud Parents of a Real Child," who struggle with insensitive questions about
their daughter from Korea.
My husband and I are the proud parents of three children from Korea. (We are both Caucasian.) Our
two older children happen to be birth siblings. They arrived together at the ages of 7 and 11, when our
youngest son was 3. Although unkind comments have been extremely rare, this question is often heard:
"Are your older children 'real' brother and sister?" The question it makes me want to ask is, "Why is
that important to you?"
Many families are formed by birth; ours was formed by adoption. From the moment we accepted our
children as ours, we became their real parents and they became real brothers and sisters. Adoption is
the basis for that reality, not blood ties. I think I speak for many other adoptive parents. Maybe you can
think of a better way to say it. How can we effectively communicate this simple, but important,
message to well-meaning people who do not understand what it means to be a ... "REAL" ADOPTIVE
PARENT
DEAR "REAL": You said it as well as it can be said. And to the question, "Are your two older children
'real' brother and sister?" -- "Why is it important to you?" is the perfect response.
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DEAR ABBY: What's all the fuss about teen-agers keeping their rooms clean? I'm 50 now, but when I
was a kid, my best friend Joe and his brother John shared a bedroom. Abby, that room was a disaster!
You couldn't even find their beds. Their mother insisted on only one thing: They keep their door
closed!
Today, 35 years later, Joe is a highly successful businessman (his income is more than $1 million a
year), and his brother is also earning big bucks as a research scientist.
I believe all these strict rules and regulations are ridiculous when they dominate one's life to the point
of stifling one's creativity. -- PHOOEY ON CLEAN ROOMS
DEAR PHOOEY: The job of a parent is to be a consistent and loving teacher of those lessons their
children need in order to survive and thrive. There are just so many things a parent can nag the kids
about before they are either resented or tuned out. So the heavy artillery should be saved for the
important battles.
However, let's define our terms. There is a big difference between neatness and cleanliness. Neatness
involves tidiness and orderliness. Cleanliness involves sanitation and hygiene. Cleanliness and
sanitation are not ridiculous, nor do they stifle creativity.
life

Want your phone to ring? Get Abby's booklet, "How to Be Popular" -- for people of all ages. To order,
Canada) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is
included.
COUPLE FINDS AN OLD FRIEND AND
WANTS TO LOSE NEW ONE
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Dear Abby | May 21st, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: Last weekend my wife's former college roommate, "Kathy," came to visit my wife and
me. We had not seen her since 1986. She had sent a Christmas card, which we followed up with a
phone call inviting her for a weekend. She lives two hours away, and accepted immediately -- then she
called back and asked if she could bring her new boyfriend. Well, we thought, "Any boyfriend of
Kathy's would be as delightful as Kathy." Right? Wrong!
Kathy's boyfriend (I'll call him Chuck) turned out to be the most overbearing, crude, obnoxious, know-
it-all we had ever met. He was argumentative, loud and just plain rude. We bit our tongues the entire
weekend to keep from telling him where to go!
The problem is that Kathy seems to like this guy and she indicated that she and Chuck would be back
regularly for weekend visits! She also suggested that we take a vacation trip with them.
So how do we go about telling Kathy that we think Chuck is a first-class jerk and she deserves better?
Or should we keep quiet and hope she sees the light and dumps this rude dude? -- STUMPED
DEAR STUMPED: Be honest. If Kathy asks you what you think of Chuck, don't offer phony praise to
keep from hurting her feelings. Tell her now not to include you in any vacations with her and Chuck
because you don't enjoy his company that much. She may be offended, but it might inspire her to take a
harder look at her new boyfriend and cause her to chuck Chuck.
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DEAR ABBY: "Browbeaten in Pompano Beach" wrote that he retired at age 62; then he went on to
say, "Five years later, my wife of 55 years applied for her Social Security, etc."
Abby, if he retired at 62, five years later he was 67. And if they were married for 55 years, he would
have been 12 years old when he got married. Come on! How can that be? -- K.R.J. IN GROTON,
CONN.
DEAR K.R.J.: It can't. In order for it to make sense, that sentence should have read: "Seven years later
my wife, who was 55 when I retired, applied for her Social Security at 62."
Wait, it gets worse. In my reply, I say, "After 55 years of togetherness, etc.," indicating that I, too,
assumed they had been married for 55 years, which would have indeed made the husband 12 years old
at the time of his marriage. The mathematics escaped me entirely. I plead guilty as charged. I'll take 10
whacks with a fifth-grade math book, and another 10 with a book on logic.
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DEAR ABBY: Am I the only person in the world who puts eyeglasses on to answer the telephone? I
use "specs" for reading only because my eyesight is quite good for a person my age (62) -- so why do I
always reach for them when I answer the telephone? -- WEIRD IN DENVER
DEAR WEIRD: Perhaps you want to be prepared in case you need to make a note of something during
the telephone conversation. Many people (including me) have the same habit.
life

"How to Be Popular" is an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive
person. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for
$3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054.
(Postage is included.)
life
Kids Who Are Read Aloud to Are as Rich as Rich Can Be

DEAR ABBY: I am a parent and teacher, presently writing my term paper for a graduate degree. My
subject is the effects of reading aloud to children. In my research, I found that in 1983 you
recommended "The Read Aloud Handbook" by Jim Trelease, published by Penguin.
Abby, please tell your readers about "The New Read Aloud Handbook" by the same author and
publisher. It contains updated lists of books to be read to children as well as research material
confirming that reading aloud to children improves their vocabularies, awakens their imaginations and
coaxes them away from the television.
But best of all, it instills in children the joy of reading. -- REBECCA MEHL-WHITE, HORNICK,
IOWA
DEAR REBECCA: Thanks for the wake-up call. I confess I was unaware that Jim Trelease had written
a new, updated "Read Aloud Handbook." His first book sold more than 1.5 million copies and richly
deserved the acclaim it achieved in the United States, Canada, Great Britain, Japan and Australia.
Parents and teachers wrote to thank me for recommending it.
I immediately bought "The New Read Aloud Handbook" and found it well worth the $9.95 I paid. If it
isn't in every bookstore and public library in the country, it should be.
It was in "The Read Aloud Handbook" that I found the beautiful poem "The Reading Mother" by
Strickland Gillilan from which I quoted the following:
"You may have tangible wealth untold;
"Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.
"Richer than I you can never be --
"I had a mother who read to me."

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DEAR ABBY: In our area, we have a young, growing family with children. The wife's mother lived
with this family until she passed away nearly two years ago. The wife -- I'll call her Mrs. J. -- has kept
the room her mother slept in exactly like it was while she lived there. Her clothes and shoes are in the
closet and dresser drawers. All that is ever done to this room is the cleaning.
The growing family could make good use of this room, yet Mrs. J. insists that it remain just as it was
when it was last occupied.
Abby, is Mrs. J. all there, or is there something wrong upstairs? -- BAFFLED AND CURIOUS
DEAR B. AND C.: Obviously, it gives a measure of comfort to keep the room once occupied by her
mother exactly as it was while her mother was alive. If Mrs. J. wants to make a shrine of that room,
whom is she hurting?
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DEAR ABBY: When my sweet little Fluffy, an 8-year-old Pekinese-Shih Tzu, died last week from
ingesting a small amount of antifreeze that was left on our driveway, I had to write to warn others.
Abby, my husband had been working on vehicles in our driveway for years, and it never occurred to
either one of us that the driveway should be hosed down thoroughly to remove every trace of antifreeze
for the safety of our pets.
Unfortunately, it's too late for our Fluffy, but it would mean the world to me if you would print this to
warn others. -- HEARTBROKEN IN LAKEWOOD, N.J.
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Here's your letter ... in loving memory of Fluffy.

life

Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to
Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or
money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount
life
UNWANTED CATALOGS THREATEN TO SWAMP

READER'S MAILBOX

DEAR ABBY: About a year and a half ago, I moved to a retirement facility in Oregon. Ever since, I
have been swamped with mail-order catalogs (unsolicited) to the point that when the mail is delivered
each day, there are more catalogs delivered than my mailbox can hold!
In the past you have, from time to time, printed an address to which one could write in order to put a
stop to this nuisance. Would you please print it again? I am ... KNEE-DEEP IN JUNK MAIL
DEAR KNEE-DEEP: Not only do some catalog companies make money by selling their merchandise;
they also make a bundle by selling their customer lists to one another. Therefore, once you order
anything by catalog you may find yourself on many other mailing lists, and the recipient of many
unwanted solicitations.
If you shop at home but want to lessen the unsolicited advertising mail you receive, simply ask the
companies with which you do business not to rent your name to other mailers.
Your other option, the Mail Preference Service, screens out the national advertising mail and should be
used by consumers who do not want to receive such solicitations. To have your name deleted from
these lists, write to: Mail Preference Service, Direct Marketing Association Inc., P.O. Box 3861, New
York, N.Y. 10163-3861. There is no charge for this service.
life

DEAR ABBY: I thought I'd share with you a very poignant letter that appeared in the San Francisco
Chronicle recently. Perhaps you will want to share it with your readers. -- S.K. IN HAYWARD,
CALIF.
DEAR S.K.: I think it is well worth sharing with my readers. It appeared in the "Letters to the Editor"
section, and here it is:
LOOKlNG FOR A PARADE
Can I march in your parade, too? I came back from World War II after being in five battles, and I don't
remember any ticker tape.
We were near Japan on VJ Day and didn't get to participate, unlike some of the lucky National
Guardsmen in the latest short war.
In 1945, we were so jumpy from kamikaze attacks that we had a general quarters alarm after the
Japanese surrendered. It was very remote from the joyful madness I saw displayed in pictures of
Market Street.
Our ship's company had not seen civilization in over a year, and it was another eight months before I
was mustered out.
Can I be in your parade now? -- ROBERT L. HEATON, LAFAYETTE, CALIF.

life

CONFIDENTIAL TO G.H. IN OTTAWA, CANADA: "The more things a man is ashamed of, the more
respectable he is." (George Bernard Shaw) You, sir, are a very respectable man.
life

RETIREE IS GLUM IN NEW CAREER AS
THE ONLY FRIEND OF A BORE
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DEAR ABBY: I am at the end of my rope. Actually, I am mad at myself because I just came home
from another boring evening. I am a 74-year-old retired widower with time on my hands. I belong to a
golf club where I hang out to kibitz with the card players.
A retired professional man about my age, also a widower, also kills time at the club. I felt sorry for him
because he was always alone, so I started having lunch with him -- then he suggested we have dinner
together (Dutch), so I said OK. Now I can't get rid of him.
He is the most boring person I've ever met. He talks about himself, his investments, his assets, his this,
his that, and no matter how hard I try to get off his favorite subject (himself), he manages to get back
on it.
I can't get rid of this obnoxious guy. He sticks like glue, and doesn't have one other friend at the club.
Everybody avoids him because he is so egotistical and boring.
If you can solve this problem, Abby, you are a genius. For obvious reasons, I can't sign my name or
location. Sign me ... TRAPPED
DEAR TRAPPED: You could do yourself and your boring friend an enormous favor if you sat him
down and told him very frankly that he would not be so lonely if he made a few major changes in his
personality.
Tell him that nobody wants to listen to a person who talks about nothing but himself and his assets. If
he's all that well-heeled financially, he could benefit enormously from a few sessions with a
psychologist. The truth may hurt, but it could also solve your problem.
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DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I go to a restaurant, we are served such large portions that we
either have to ask for a doggie bag to take home what we can't eat, or we leave it on our plates to be
thrown out.
At times we have ordered only one meal and an extra plate so we can split the dinner. This isn't always
convenient because we both don't always want to eat the same thing.
The few restaurants that offer "lighter fare" serve diet foods. Why can't these restaurant owners realize
that all people don't eat like harvest hands? I sometimes wonder if they realize how much food is
wasted.
How can we get the restaurant owners to offer only half-portions? I can't be the only person who hates
to see food wasted. How about it, Abby? Any suggestions on how to get this problem corrected? --
NOT THAT HUNGRY IN ORLANDO
DEAR NOT THAT HUNGRY: If you are suggesting that restaurateurs offer half the food at half the
price, please read on: Restaurant owners could not survive on half the profit. Better leave things the
way they are and give their customers doggie bags to tote home their leftovers.
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO NO GAMBLER IN LAS VEGAS: When it comes to birth control, the only
method that's 100 percent effective is self-control.
life

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Substitute Teachers Are Easy Targets for Abuse

Dear Abby | May 23rd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: Now that you have come to the defense of school bus drivers who complained that, like
Rodney Dangerfield, they get no respect, how about doing the same for substitute teachers, who also
get no respect?
We are expected to maintain order and promote learning in a different classroom every day with
different kids who are accustomed to different rules.
But the hardest part of our job is the abuse we have to take from some of the students.
Most kids figure that a substitute teacher is fair game, so they push us as far as they can to see how
much they can get away with. If we get fed up with rotten behavior and send the troublemakers to the
principal's office, we're considered incompetent because we can't control the kids.
When it comes to getting no respect, a substitute teacher takes first prize. -- MOVING TARGET
DEAR TARGET: Obviously, times haven't changed much in the last half-century. When a substitute
teacher shows up, there will always be kids who will try to see how much they can get away with.
However, the most competent teachers -- and the ones we remember best -- are those who demand the
best from their students and put up with no nonsense.
life

DEAR ABBY: I go to a small restaurant and order dinner for two. No drinks or dessert. The check is
around $20 and the tip, $3.
The next time I visited the same restaurant, the dinner check was $30 (they had raised their prices), so
why should the tip be more, just because I spent more on food? There was no more work involved. --
BRUCE IN TEWKSBURY, MASS.
DEAR BRUCE: Because the tip is usually figured as a percentage of the cost of the meal -- and the
bigger the bill, the larger the tip.
life

DEAR ABBY: I come from a family of seven children -- three boys and four girls. Our parents value
education highly and have encouraged all of us to go to college. Two are still in college, two have
dropped out, and three have graduated.
Mom has one wall of our house for pictures of her "college graduates." She thinks it will encourage the
other children to finish college and get "on the wall." Instead, it is causing division in the family, since
the dropouts are busy working and raising children, and they're not likely to get "on the wall." Also, the
sister who graduated from a two-year college doesn't qualify for "wall status."
This leaves me and my sister who are against being "honored" this way. Mom has insisted that we have
our pictures taken professionally for the wall. What should we tell Mom? -- AGAINST THE WALL
DEAR AGAINST: Hand Mom this column, and you won't have to tell her anything.
life

Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is
included.)
life
Amorous Couple Stirs Widow to Light Up Her Lonely Life

Dear Abby | May 22nd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: I am a very healthy 74-year-old widow. My first and only husband died five years ago
at the age of 75. Our sex life had been non-existent for five years prior to his death.
I have a ladyfriend, 77 years old, who recently married for the third time. Her new husband is 87 and
apparently is in fine physical condition for his age. According to my ladyfriend, they are having sex at
least twice a week. Is this biologically possible for an old married couple who are respectively 87 and
77 years of age?
If my ladyfriend is telling me the truth, perhaps I should intensify my efforts to find such a husband to
bring some spice into my lonely life. -- ENVIOUS WIDOW
DEAR WIDOW: Whether your ladyfriend is telling you the truth, only she knows. For a newlywed
couple of any age to have sex "at least twice a week" is quite believable.
But if you're feeling "envious," Widow, perhaps your ladyfriend should ask her new husband if he has
a friend who's young at heart.
life

DEAR ABBY: My eldest son is getting married in June. I am hurt and angry that my name was not
included along with the parents of the bride on the wedding announcements.
My husband is dead, but I'm not, and being excluded makes it appear that I don't exist!
I called a wedding consultant and was told that the announcements are printed both ways, naming the
bride's parents only, and naming the parents of the groom, too.
What would be your choice, Abby? -- HURT IN MINNESOTA
DEAR HURT: I would choose the announcements that named the parents of both the bride and the
groom.
life

DEAR ABBY: Your correspondent signed "Cherished Memories," who is presently attending a
Catholic university and would give anything for a relationship with her philosophy professor who
happens to be a priest, wrote: "Priests are only human, after all, and they probably don't relish the
celibacy part of their commitment."
Unfortunately, some priests do not relish their celibacy and consider it a denial of their sexuality. Sad
to say, many laypersons take this same negative approach.
Rightly understood, however, celibacy is not a denial, but a positive attitude that gives celibacy the
aspect of a "treasured gift" offered to God through Jesus Christ. It is the "giving of one's self" in much
the same way as the "giving" of a woman and man to each other in marriage. What greater gift can one
give than the gift of one's self?
Celibacy is a positive choice, and a priest who approaches his commitment in this light is happy in his
calling. -- FATHER X IN WISCONSIN
life

WIDOW ON WEDDING TREADMILL WITH
MAN WHO DRAGS HIS FEET
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a 62-year-old widow, just retired from my teaching job. I am seeing a 69-year-old
widower. At first I felt fortunate to have found someone so kind, gentle and honest. He talks of
marriage, but there is always something to delay it. First he needed foot surgery, then he had a
respiratory problem, then heart problems. He claims he wants to marry me, but there always seems to
be something standing in the way.
Mind you, I am not pressuring him. As a matter of fact, I'm having second thoughts about it myself. Of
course, we'd have a prenuptial agreement, but why should I marry him to be his nurse in his old age?
He's a lousy lover, and he as much as told me he doesn't care for sex. He's financially secure, but so am
I. He has a fine home, but so have I.
We've gone together for two years and have had some lovely trips. I would appreciate your opinion,
Abby. -- MUTUALLY COMPATIBLE
DEAR COMPATIBLE: Why marry? Why don't you two compatible people just shake hands and
continue to be close friends?
life

DEAR ABBY: I was so infuriated by the letter from the woman (I won't call her a lady) who couldn't
stand having workmen using her bathroom facilities, that I had to cool off for a couple of weeks before
I could even respond.
My husband is a carpenter. His work clothes may be stained (they get that way in his business), but
they are clean. He showers every night to wash off the dirt -- sometimes filth -- he gets while he works.
One cannot be stupid and be a good carpenter, plumber or electrician. If he's self-employed, as my
husband is, he must also be a good businessman. He works hard without such benefits as company-
provided health insurance, paid vacations and pension plans. If he's injured on the job, we'd better have
money in the bank to live on because the state doesn't have workmen's compensation for us. And if
business is slow, he can't file for unemployment. These are some of the reasons why good carpenters,
cabinetmakers, plumbers, etc., are becoming an endangered species.
People like her are usually very grateful to have a workman show up when they have a problem --
sometimes in the bathroom she's so stingy with. Maybe somebody should remind her that Jesus was a
carpenter. Would she begrudge him the use of her facilities? -- FURIOUS IN FORT WAYNE
DEAR FURIOUS: Well said, lady. Very well said.

life

CONFIDENTIAL TO G.F.F. IN DAYTON, OHIO: Your friend who claims to be a direct descendant of
either Orville or Wilbur Wright is wrong: Both Wright brothers were bachelors.
life

life
Sexist Titles Won't Hurt You, but They Can Tick You Off
DEAR READERS: Most occupational and public office titles originated when only men performed
these jobs. Today, women are involved in all occupations, making sex-labeled titles discriminatory.
Occupational titles should describe the job -- not the person doing the job. Some examples:
Forget "lady doctor" -- she is a doctor (who happens to be a woman).
No more "woman lawyer" -- she is a lawyer.
Forget "waitress" -- the correct form is waiter or server.
No more "meter maid" -- meter attendant is correct.
An "authoress" is simply an author.
A "housewife" is now properly called a homemaker.
Perhaps it won't surprise you that these updated terms come from "The Practical Guide to Non-Sexist
Language," courtesy of the National Organization for Women in St. Louis, Mo.
While the titles "Miss" and "Mrs." originally were used to distinguish female children from adult
women, the titles identify marital status: A "Mrs." is married, a "Miss" is not.
The dissatisfaction of many women with this labeling system led eventually to the use of "Ms." (The
American Heritage Dictionary defines "Ms." as "a title of courtesy used before a woman's surname,
without regard to her marital status.")
A woman's professional or academic title takes precedence over a social title: Chancellor Jane Roe, or
Jane Roe, Ph.D., not Ms. Jane Roe.
And when writing a memorandum to one's office staff, it is correct to say, "Everyone is expected to do
the (not his) job well."
Finally, as the guide notes, "Neither sex has a monopoly on jobs, with two exceptions: wet nurses and
sperm donors."
life

DEAR ABBY: My 3-year-old grandson hits almost everyone he associates with, especially his father!
His baby brother is now 4 months old, and "Big Brother" has become more abusive since the baby
arrived.
My daughter and her husband do not hit him back; they try to reason with him, but they are afraid he
will harm another child with a stick, etc., which he likes to have in his hands most of the time.
In my day, I would have sat him in a chair and delivered a firm lecture, and I would have forbidden any
"weapons" for him to play with until the hitting stopped. But this advice does not seem to fit into
"today's" upbringing.
I live 1,000 miles away from them, so I'm not around enough for my feelings (or any part of my body)
to be hurt from my grandson's aggression. But I sure would appreciate a solution. Thank you. --
FLORIDA GRANDMA
DEAR FLORIDA GRANDMA: "Big Brother" is acting out his feelings of jealousy with regard to the
new baby, which is only natural. But your daughter and son-in-law should take a lesson from you and
nip the child's aggressive behavior before it gets out of control.
And if the aggression persists, the parents should consult a professional for guidance.
life

People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed
envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O.
Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
life
RETIREE IS GLUM IN NEW CAREER AS THE ONLY

FRIEND OF A BORE
DEAR ABBY: I am at the end of my rope. Actually, I am mad at myself because I just came home
from another boring evening. I am a 74-year-old retired widower with time on my hands. I belong to a
golf club where I hang out to kibitz with the card players.
A retired professional man about my age, also a widower, also kills time at the club. I felt sorry for him
because he was always alone, so I started having lunch with him -- then he suggested we have dinner
together (Dutch), so I said OK. Now I can't get rid of him.
He is the most boring person I've ever met. He talks about himself, his investments, his assets, his this,
his that, and no matter how hard I try to get off his favorite subject (himself), he manages to get back
on it.
I can't get rid of this obnoxious guy. He sticks like glue, and doesn't have one other friend at the club.
Everybody avoids him because he is so egotistical and boring.
If you can solve this problem, Abby, you are a genius. For obvious reasons, I can't sign my name or
location. Sign me ... TRAPPED
DEAR TRAPPED: You could do yourself and your boring friend an enormous favor if you sat him
down and told him very frankly that he would not be so lonely if he made a few major changes in his
personality.
Tell him that nobody wants to listen to a person who talks about nothing but himself and his assets. If
he's all that well-heeled financially, he could benefit enormously from a few sessions with a
psychologist. The truth may hurt, but it could also solve your problem.
life

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I go to a restaurant, we are served such large portions that we
either have to ask for a doggie bag to take home what we can't eat, or we leave it on our plates to be
thrown out.
At times we have ordered only one meal and an extra plate so we can split the dinner. This isn't always
convenient because we both don't always want to eat the same thing.
The few restaurants that offer "lighter fare" serve diet foods. Why can't these restaurant owners realize
that all people don't eat like harvest hands? I sometimes wonder if they realize how much food is
wasted.
How can we get the restaurant owners to offer only half-portions? I can't be the only person who hates
to see food wasted. How about it, Abby? Any suggestions on how to get this problem corrected? --
NOT THAT HUNGRY IN ORLANDO
DEAR NOT THAT HUNGRY: If you are suggesting that restaurateurs offer half the food at half the
price, please read on: Restaurant owners could not survive on half the profit. Better leave things the
way they are and give their customers doggie bags to tote home their leftovers.
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO NO GAMBLER IN LAS VEGAS: When it comes to birth control, the only
method that's 100 percent effective is self-control.
life

Medicine for Elderly Can Be Too Much of a
Good Thing
life

DEAR ABBY: I have recently seen two letters in your column regarding the use of medicines by older
people and the problems that medicines may cause, especially in the elderly.
People should consider themselves "consumers," not "patients," when it comes to health care,
particularly when it comes to the use of medications. Many older people believe that "M.D." stands for
Minor Deity, and they don't ask questions of their doctors (or pharmacists) when they should!
Asking questions means taking some responsibility for one's own health care. It helps to know what to
expect from a medicine. For example, ask:
1. Exactly what is this medication being used for?
2. How will I feel after I start taking it?
3. How will I know if the medicine is working?
4. What are the most common side effects I can expect?
5. Can I do anything to prevent any of these side effects?
6. How long will I have to keep taking this medicine?
7. Will this medicine be very expensive? About how much?
You are doing a major service to older adults and their care-givers by calling attention to this issue,
Abby. I hope this letter is helpful to your readers. -- MADELINE FEINBERG, DIRECTOR, ELDER
HEALTH PROGRAM, UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND SCHOOL OF PHARMACY
DEAR MS. FEINBERG: Since overmedication can be such a serious problem for senior citizens, I am
sure your letter will be of more than passing interest to many. Other valuable tips for using medicines
are available, free. Send a stamped (29 cents), self-addressed, business-sized envelope to: Information
Officer, School of Pharmacy, 20 N. Pine St., Room 352, Baltimore, Md. 21201.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am praying that you can give me some guidance. My husband of many years uses
credit cards constantly. He has no pension and has never believed in life insurance or having a savings
account. Social Security is his only income.
I have learned that he owes approximately $8,000. I believe he pays his monthly dues from each of his
credit cards, in turn. I have no idea how many cards he holds, and I have never signed for any of his
credit cards.
We each have our own checking accounts at different banks. I am forced to work full-time because of
the many times I have had to come to his financial aid. He is now past 80. I am 69. My concern is that
in the event that he should die before I do, would I be held responsible for his debts? -- WORRIED IN
CALIFORNIA
DEAR WORRIED: Because you are living in a community property state, you are indeed responsible
for your husband's debts if he predeceases you. You would be wise to consult an attorney.
life

Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's
all in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-
size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby,
Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
life
Family's Comedy of Manners Leaves Grandma With Frown

DEAR ABBY: My grandson (I'll call him Stuart) is a 19-year-old college student. A few weeks ago, I
noticed that a stage play was coming to town. Because Stuart had played the lead in that play in high
school, I wrote to him, offering to treat him and a friend to two tickets. I asked him to let me know
which performance he wanted to see so that I could purchase the tickets and mail them to him.
Two weeks went by. I didn't hear one word from Stuart, then his other grandmother told me that Stuart
was "pleased" with my offer, but he was "too busy" to accept.
I told my son (Stuart's father) that I was hurt and displeased that his son didn't do me the courtesy of
giving me that message personally, whereupon my son immediately came to his son's defense, pointing
out what a fine lad he was -- no drinking, no smoking, no drugs. I added, "And no manners."
Now I'm the heavy. Everyone is mad at me, and I am mad at my grandson. Your comments, please. --
THE HEAVY
DEAR HEAVY: Your grandson should have personally acknowledged your offer of the tickets with
thanks and regrets for his inability to accept.
But since he failed to do so, you should not have attempted to punish him by reporting his bad manners
to his father. A 19-year-old college student is old enough to take his own lumps. Should Stuart have
another lapse of bad manners, sock it to HIM -- not his father.
life

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine invited me out for an evening's entertainment. One of the places we
went to had quarter slot machines. My friend handed me four quarters and said, "Here, have a good
time."
I put the first quarter in. Nothing. The second quarter, nothing. Same with the third quarter, and ditto
the last quarter. I looked in my purse and found one lone quarter, so I put it in the slot machine and
turned away when the bells started ringing, and money began pouring out! I couldn't believe it. This
was the first time I had ever won a jackpot. I was so excited, I was in a total fog for the rest of the
evening.
The next day I told the kids at work about it and they all thought I should have offered to split my
winnings with my date. Why? It wasn't his quarter I won with. -- LUCKY LADY
DEAR LUCKY: Even if you had won the jackpot with your date's quarter, the jackpot would have been
all yours. When someone gives another gambling money, the winnings belong to the person who did
the betting. Had you offered your date part of your winnings, fine and dandy -- but you didn't owe him
anything.
life

included.)
life
Parents Try to Apply Brakes to Young Love in High Gear

DEAR ABBY: Our problem is our son, John (not his real name). He is 16 years old and thinks he is in
love. The girl he thinks he's in love with is 21 and she's in a big hurry to get married.
John will be barely 18 when he graduates from high school. He had planned to go to a four-year
college, plus three years of law school, and his father and I were prepared to finance his college
education.
Now he tells us that his girlfriend wants to get married as soon as he turns 18. Abby, we have nothing
against this girl; we just wish they would wait until he finishes at least four years of college. I think she
figures that since we've agreed to support John all through his college years, we would support both of
them if they were married. John is a very bright kid, but this girl has him wrapped around her finger.
Please tell us what to do. -- JOHN'S MOM
DEAR MOM: Perhaps if you were to tell John that if he marries at 18 he will have to finance his own
college education, he may reconsider marrying so young. It may also give his girlfriend reason to
reconsider.
life

DEAR ABBY: As a music appreciation teacher at Marin Community College in Kentfield, Calif., I
read with special interest the letter from the woman who had been a member of a tour group in Kiev,
the Republic of Ukraine, U.S.S.R., when one of the members tried to organize a group sing-along. She
was left wondering which songs are the most widely known among our population.
I threw the question out to my students, and they came up with the following songs to which everyone
knows the melody: "Happy Birthday," "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," "You Are My Sunshine,"
"Daisy, Daisy," "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean," "Comin' Round the Mountain," "Yankee Doodle,"
"Dixie" and "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling." -- JUDY SILVER
DEAR JUDY: My congratulations to your students. And by the way, I just learned (from a couple of
hundred readers) that Kiev is not in Russia, as I had erroneously stated; it is in the Ukraine. My
apologies. They must have moved the borders. When I was a girl, all the people who emigrated from
Kiev called themselves "Russians."
life

DEAR ABBY: After 25 years of marriage and my putting on a "few" extra pounds, my wife now
repeatedly tries to get me to take cold showers before we go to bed. She claims that the energy my
body will expend reheating the surface of my skin will burn up enormous amounts of calories, thus
making me more attractive to her.
Is this some new fad, or at least is the principle valid? I can't help feeling she has some ulterior motive,
although she's always quite honest with me. -- J.H. IN LEVITTOWN, N.Y.
DEAR J.H.: If it's a new fad, it's news to me. The only proven method of weight loss that I'm aware of
is a change in eating habits and a regular program of exercise. Cold showers dampen the ardor; they
will not burn calories.
life

Wife's Brief Encounter May Be Long Embrace
With Aids
life

Dear Abby | June 2nd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: I have just been informed of a very delicate situation, and I am not sure how to handle
it. My husband and I separated for a short time in September 1988. While separated, I started seeing
another man. It was a very brief encounter, needless to say. Since then, my husband and I are together
again -- and I have given birth to a son.
I recently ran into some friends who knew of this other man and also live near him. My friend told me
some very disturbing news about this man. He has been diagnosed HIV-positive. Needless to say, I was
floored hearing this. I plan to be tested very soon.
The problem is: Should I discuss this with my husband? If I tell him, it could destroy what is left of our
marriage, especially if the test is negative. On the other hand, he has a right to know that the risk is
there.
I cannot even comprehend the fact of AIDS. The thing that gets to me more than anything is my son. I
had him after the fact. Is he infected? I could not live with myself knowing that my lack of self-control
could possibly kill both of us. Please help me any way you can. -- DEVASTATED
DEAR DEVASTATED: You must be tested immediately to determine whether you have been infected,
and have your questions answered first-hand. Call the government AIDS hotline: 1 (800) 342-AIDS to
find the location of a center near you for anonymous testing. If you are positive, then you must discuss
this with your husband, and both your husband and your child should be tested.
If you are negative -- it's "our" secret.

life
Dear Abby for June 02, 1991

DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old high school sophomore and my parents have this rule: I cannot go in
cars driven by any of my friends. Abby, they have driver's licenses and are all good drivers, but my
folks won't listen. I hope to get my own driver's license when I turn 16. I'm taking Driver's Education
in school.
I have been asked on dates by guys my age, but of course I can't go because of this dumb rule my
parents are sticking to. Abby, it's very embarrassing to be driven places by my parents.
Why do parents worry so much? It's like they don't ever want their kids to grow up. -- FOREVER A
BABY
DEAR FOREVER: Why do parents worry so much? Because it's every parent's nightmare that their
teen-ager will be badly hurt -- or killed -- in an automobile accident.
If your friends who drive would meet your parents and impress them with their maturity and sense of
responsibility, it may make a big difference in your parents' attitude. It's worth a try.
life

DEAR ABBY: I do something I think more people would do if they just stopped for a moment and
thought about it.
I have a very select list of charities I always give to. But when I send a check, I also include a short
note: "Please do not send me a thank-you! Save the postage. My canceled check is my receipt." --
DON C. IN K.C., MO.
DEAR DON: Thanks. I learned something today. Most charities need every penny they can raise.
life

life
Work Is Good for the Soul as Well as for the Purse

Dear Abby | June 1st, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: When we bought our home up north 30 years ago, this motto was tacked to the frame of
the entrance. We thought it was appropriate then, and still is now.
I thought you might want to share it with your readers. -- A.M.T. IN FLORIDA
GO TO WORK AND SAVE $$
If you are poor -- work.
If you are rich -- continue to work.
If you are happy -- keep right on working.
Idleness gives you room for doubts and fears.
If disappointments come -- work.
If sorrow overwhelms you, and loved ones seem not true -- work.
When faith falters and reason fails -- just work.
When dreams are shattered and hope seems dead -- work.
Work as if your life was in peril. It really is.
Whatever happens or matters -- work.
Work faithfully -- work with faith.
Work is the greatest material remedy available.
Work will cure both mental and physical afflictions.

-- From the "Silent Partner"
DEAR A.M.T.: Thanks for a worthwhile addition to this space. But how about all those people who are
willing and eager to work, but cannot find a job?
life

DEAR ABBY: This letter is for all of those frustrated housewives who wonder if they've gone off their
rockers when they find only one sock in the washing machine. You dealt with this problem some time
ago by stating that washers and dryers do not eat socks.
Sorry, Abby, but the washer is, in fact, the culprit. I have worked in customer service for General
Electric Major Home Appliance Repairs for many years, and we were instructed to tell our customers
that the washing action of the water will sometimes push a lighter item, i.e. a sock or washcloth, over
the top of the inner tub into the space between the inner and outer tub -- and during the pumping cycle
it can be washed down the sewer.
I have scheduled hundreds of service calls for socks to be removed from the pump of a washing
machine. So, women, take heart, and tell your husbands to go yell at the washer! -- NEW ORLEANS
WOMAN
DEAR NEW ORLEANS WOMAN: I'm sure that many who have thought they were going crazy after
discovering an odd number of socks in their washing machines will appreciate your explanation. Here's
suds in your eye!
life

DEAR ABBY: My husband thinks I'm some kind of cleanliness nut because I shower every night
before going to bed. I believe it's just good personal hygiene. Please comment. -- SHOWER FREAK
(HIS NAME FOR ME)
DEAR SHOWER FREAK: I'm with you. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
life

life
Messages on Phone MacHine Have Man Tearing His Hair

DEAR ABBY: I have a telephone answering machine. It is very handy, but sometimes it's a source of
great frustration when someone dials a wrong number and leaves a message.
For example, the following message was left on my machine: "Your daughter, Judy, was in a minor
automobile accident. P1ease pick her up at the suburban police station."
Well, I do not have a daughter named Judy, so I called the suburban police station and suggested that
they call Judy's parents and dial carefully next time.
Last week, an elderly woman left the following message: "Doctor, I'm sorry I have to cancel my
appointment ..." Then she went on and on, describing all her symptoms and medications until my entire
tape ran out.
I also got this message from a young man in a hurry: "Hi, Joe, dis is Pete. We're gonna have football
practice at Baldwin Park. Call da udder guys and tell em!"
Last night I received the following message: "Hi, Gloria! We're leaving right now. Please be ready for a
change, OK?" Bang! (I hope Gloria was ready for a change.)
Abby, inform your readers that before they leave a message on an answering machine, they should be
sure they dialed the right number. -- WRONG GUY IN CLEVELAND
DEAR WRONG GUY: Thanks for reminding all the folks out there to dial very carefully.
life

DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, you had an article in your column titled "Only in America." It poked
fun at Americans who buy everything they wear and use from some foreign country. I think Americans
need to be reminded to BUY AMERICAN. Thanks. -- PATRIOTIC IN MAINE
DEAR PATRIOTIC: Once my readers have seen the following, I'm sure many of them will agree with
you.
ONLY IN AMERICA
"He drove his German car made of Swedish steel and interior of Argentine leather to a gasoline station,
where he filled up with Arab oil shipped in a Liberian tanker and bought two French tires, composed of
rubber from Sri Lanka.
"At home, he dropped his Moroccan briefcase, hung up his Scottish tweed wool coat, removed his
Italian shoes and Egyptian cotton shirt, then donned a Hong Kong robe and matching slippers from
Taiwan.
"More comfortable now, he poured a cup of hot Brazilian coffee into an English coffee mug, set a
Mexican placemat on an Irish linen tablecloth atop a Danish table varnished with linseed oil from
India. Then he filled his Austrian pipe with Turkish tobacco, lit it, and picked up a Japanese ballpoint
pen with which he wrote a letter to his congressman demanding to know why the United States has an
unfavorable balance of trade."
life

included.
Modeling Career Is Beyond the Reach of Tiny
Teen
life

Dear Abby | June 5th, 1991 | Letter 1 of 3
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Amy," is having a terrible time because although she is a beautiful girl,
she's short. At 17, she's only 5 foot 1 inch, and she feels as though she is being left out of the modeling
world because the agencies will not hire girls her size. She feels less than beautiful, and it is hurting her
self-esteem.
Do you know of any modeling agency that will take a girl of Amy's petite size? -- AMY'S
CONCERNED MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Your daughter needs to know that beauty comes in all sizes, and there are careers
other than modeling.
I spoke to Nina Blanchard, owner of one of the top modeling agencies in the country, and she agrees
with Amy; there is no market in modeling for a girl who is 5 foot 1 inch. (Even "petite" models are 5
foot 4 to 5 foot 6.)
Blanchard said: "Tell Amy to dry her tears and learn to act because there is no height requirement in
acting or commercials. And the rewards are just as good and sometimes better."
life

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my boyfriend beat me up. He said he was sorry, so I gave him another
chance. The second time it happened, I made him move out. A week later, he came after me.
Fearing for my life, I ran outside, thinking I was safe with so many neighbors around. (I lived in a
mobile home park.) I was wrong. Nobody helped me.
He started beating on me, and I ran from trailer to trailer with him chasing me as I screamed at the top
of my lungs, "Somebody, please call the police!" He caught me, knocked me to the ground and beat me
unconscious. It was a summer day and everyone had the windows open. I was screaming so loud, I
could have been heard a block away.
Abby, I wasn't asking people to risk their lives. I just wanted someone to pick up a phone and call the
police. One neighbor even closed his door because my screams disturbed him! When I confronted him
later, he said, "I didn't want to get involved."
I still have nightmares about that terrible experience -- not the beating, but pleading for help while
everyone looked the other way.
To make a long story short, I pressed charges against the man. He was put away for two years and
ordered not to return to this community. -- ILLINOIS VICTIM
DEAR VICTIM: I would like to believe that people are basically good, but there is too much evidence
to the contrary to accept that theory. What a sad commentary on the nature of mankind.
"Man's inhumanity to man
"Makes countless thousands mourn!"
-- Robert Burns, 1759-1796

life

life
When Gift Has a Personal Touch, Deliver It in Person

DEAR ABBY: About 12 years ago, I gave a beautiful handmade quilt to my nephew and his wife as
their wedding gift. I made it myself, and everyone who saw it said it was a work of art.
I did not deliver it myself. Another relative carried it to my nephew's home. I got a thank-you for the
gift, but it was not said that the gift was a handmade quilt.
To make a long story short, a few months ago I was at this nephew's home and I saw the quilt hanging
on a quilt stand in their bedroom. I asked who made the stand and my nephew's wife said, "My brother
made the stand, and my grandmother made the quilt."
I asked, "Where is the one I gave you?" She said, "This is the only one we have."
Now, the grandmother has lived with that lie on her conscience all these years -- letting people believe
that she made it when she knows perfectly well that I made it.
My advice to anyone who has a nice gift to give: Deliver it yourself! And, Abby, don't you think
somebody owes me an apology? -- STILL HURT IN OHIO
DEAR STILL HURT: Good advice! But it wouldn't hurt to have enclosed a gift card with the quilt with
a brief message: "Made with love from Aunt ( ) to ( )."
Since this is irritating you, why don't you set the record straight and tell your nephew and his wife that
you made the quilt that was delivered to them by another relative, who took the credit for having made
it?
life

DEAR ABBY: The copy of "Please God, I'm Only 17" appeared in today's Chicago Tribune, and its
appearance was very timely. Just yesterday, I confiscated my 17-year-old son's driver's license after
overhearing a conversation with a friend in which he boasted of doing 60 in a 45-mile zone on a small
residential country road. (I didn't know yet how long I would keep it or what else I might have him do
in order to make an impression.)
I decided upon the following course of action after reading your column. I clipped it and gave it to him
with the following:
"Dear John: When you copy this little piece, 'Please God, I'm Only 17,' 25 times in your neatest writing
and on good paper, and prominently display all 25 copies in your bedroom (nope, make an extra two
copies, one for each car), you may have your license back. John, this is called tough love. Remember
it. You may have to use it some day with one of your own children. I love you. Mom"
Thanks, Abby. -- TONI WEAVER, McHENRY, ILL.

life

included.)
life
DAUGHTER'S HEARTFELT THANK-YOU WAS DAD'S

MOST PRECIOUS GIFT

Dear Abby | June 3rd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: This is a belated thank-you letter for something you printed in your column several
years ago.
I lost my father suddenly last year. As difficult as his death was, I had peace of mind knowing that I
had left nothing unsaid. Because of a Father's Day column you wrote, I sent my father a three-page
letter instead of a necktie. It was a difficult letter to write because I had never verbalized my feelings
about him, but once I started to tell him how important he had been in my life, and how much I owed
him for raising me to be a caring, responsible, productive person, it was easy.
I will never forget the expression on his face as he read my letter. When he finished, he told me that he
had never before received such a precious gift.
My father died knowing how much I loved and appreciated him. Abby, please make that suggestion to
your readers every year. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. -- JUDY THRASHER, DEFIANCE,
OHIO
DEAR JUDY: Here's your letter, dedicated to the memory of your beloved father. And thank you, Judy,
for giving me permission to use your name when I telephoned you.
life

DEAR ABBY: Unfortunately, your advice to "Anonymous in the USA," the working couple who had
never filed income tax returns, fell short of the best advice they should have received.
Contacting the IRS in this situation without first seeking the professional advice of a qualified,
experienced CPA or tax attorney is asking for more, not less, trouble. While it's possible that they
might emerge unharmed, the risk of far harsher treatment is too high.
Much better for them to consult with an experienced tax accountant or attorney so they can learn their
rights as well as their obligations. So much of this couple's financial and emotional future is at stake;
they need expert outside advice on this kind of problem, Abby.
In the past, you have advised people who have legal problems to seek legal advice; this situation is no
different. Please correct your advice to this couple before too many people follow it. -- DONALD B.
WALTER, CPA, SEATTLE
DEAR MR. WALTER: I just did, thanks to you.

life

DEAR ABBY: Was it you who wrote:
"Women in slacks
"Should not turn their backs"?
-- HARRY IN MANITOWOC, WIS.
DEAR HARRY: No, but thanks for the compliment. The author was Ogden Nash, who must have been
fixated on ladies' derrieres because he also wrote:
"Deck your lower limbs in pants, my sweet.
"You have seen yourself advance,
"But have you seen yourself retreat?"

life

Mom Learns Live-in Lover Was Also Molesting
Her Son
life

DEAR ABBY: I am an intelligent 35-year-old professional woman. Trying to recover from the
shocking discovery that my 7-year-old son had been sexually molested repeatedly by a former live-in
lover has left me and my son scarred and bitter.
After the bizarre revelations of my 7-year-old began to surface, subsequent investigation revealed that
the man was on parole from prison for repeated sexual molestations. Now my son is likely to face
years of therapy and counseling. I have great guilt that, as a single parent, I was not more aware.
Perhaps your warning single parents of this peril could prevent more of this awful danger. As a single
parent, what should (I) we be on the lookout for? -- HEARTSICK
DEAR HEARTSICK: You obviously did not know the man well enough to be aware of how dangerous
he was. No one (man or woman) should leave a child (boy or girl) with a person one knows only
superficially.
A good way to judge a person's character is by the company that person keeps. Beware of the new
friend who has no friends, relatives or co-workers.
Also, how good is that person's word? If you catch him in a little lie, chances are he will lie about more
important things.
Before living with someone, you should know that person very, very well.
life

DEAR ABBY: Just a few more words on the dangers of wearing headphones while jogging. Joggers,
especially females, need to realize how many abductions involve cars. I was recently in a personal
defense class. We collected newspaper articles concerning abductions and rapes. More than half of
those we found involved women being pulled off the sidewalk into cars.
Headphones keep a jogger from realizing that a car has pulled up beside her until it is too late to react.
Listening to music also can take the jogger's mind off her surroundings. A car that is "stalking" her may
have passed her four or five times, and she wouldn't notice.
Along the same lines, I would encourage anyone, male or female, who walks or jogs alone -- especially
at night -- to take a personal defense course at the local community college, YMCA, or wherever it is
offered. You will learn many tips on how to minimize the risk of being abducted and/or raped, as well
as some physical defense techniques. -- A DEFENSIVE WALKER, NOVATO, CALIF.
DEAR WALKER: Another tip for anyone who walks, runs or jogs on a road or street where vehicles
also travel: Walk, run or jog facing the oncoming traffic on the LEFT side of the road -- never in the
same direction the cars are moving.
life

life
Victim's Silence Allows Rapist to Go Unpunished

DEAR ABBY: I worked in a large office building. Each day my husband would drop me off in the
morning and pick me up after work.
One day I took my break a little later than usual and went to the restroom down the hall from the office
where I worked.
As I entered the restroom, I was grabbed from behind by a man who told me if I screamed or struggled,
he would strangle me. Right there in the restroom that man raped me! I didn't know who he was
because he wore a ski mask. After he finished, he said if I told anyone, he would hurt my 2-year-old
son. Abby, he even told me the cross streets where my son was in day care!
I was so frightened, I told no one, not even my husband. For six weeks I found excuses not to go to
work. When I finally told my husband, who had known something was wrong but had no idea what it
was, he was so angry, he kicked a two-foot hole in our wall!
Since then, I have made a police report, but because so much time had gone by -- and all the evidence
had been destroyed -- there is little hope of catching him.
I have contacted the Rape Crisis Center, moved my son to another day-care center and have filed for
workman's compensation. I am also seeing a psychologist to help me deal with the mixed-up emotions
I am feeling.
I want to tell other women that if something like this ever happens to them, to report it immediately!
Hiding it was the worst mistake I could have ever made. Now they may never catch the creep who did
this to me. -- SCARED AND STUPID
DEAR SCARED: Thanks for giving me this opportunity to tell my readers that all rapes should be
reported immediately. (For the record: A person is raped when another person forces her (or him) to
have sex against that person's will.)
Many victims of rape fail to report the crime because they are ashamed or embarrassed. That's a big
mistake. The rapist is then free to rape another victim.
life

DEAR ABBY: My husband is a very successful businessman. He is also a habitual liar. When we are
out socially, and especially on vacations, he tells such outrageous lies that I am embarrassed. He has
tripped himself up many times, and vows he will never lie again -- but he continues to do so.
It's bad enough that he lies to others, but he also lies to me -- usually about insignificant things. I can't
understand him. We've been married nearly 25 years, and his lying has become such an issue between
us that I nearly left him twice! I love him, but I don't like him because he lies so much. Perhaps if I
knew why it is so hard for him to tell the truth, I could cope better. Please help me. -- A LIAR'S WIFE
DEAR WIFE: Chronic liars are insecure people who feel the need to appear better or more important
than they are. Some merely exaggerate; others fabricate or "embroider" a story to make it more
entertaining. Perhaps if your husband felt more comfortable just being himself, he would stick closer to
the truth.
life

life
PARENT MAY PAY FOR TUITION, BUT SON PAYS WAY TO

PROM

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "No Money Machine" -- the parent who is cutting corners in order to
send her son to the high school prom -- prompts this letter.
Abby, going to a senior prom is a privilege -- not a God-given right. I came from from a large family,
and our education (12 years of Catholic school) was paid for by our parents, but we had to earn our
own money for all the "perks" such as yearbooks, class rings and proms.
I have raised my son the same way. At 16, he's already had a semi-formal under his belt. He asked if he
could have his Christmas gift of money in advance so he could pay $35 for tickets, $15 for a corsage
and $10 for a secondhand tux.
If he wants to continue at the Catholic school he attends, he will have to get a summer job to help with
the $1,300 tuition. His class ring will be bought with money he saves from his allowance.
Abby, as you've often said, "GIVE a man a fish and he can eat for a day. TEACH him to fish and he
can eat forever."
The best gift some people can give their kids is a kick in the rear to the job market. -- NO MONEY
MACHINE EITHER
DEAR NO MONEY MACHINE: You could teach a class in child development. Thanks for writing.
life

DEAR ABBY: Please set me straight. Is it considered poor manners to write a letter instead of having a
face-to-face confrontation?
Recently, I decided to quit my job as baby sitter for a woman I'll call Mrs. Smith. She is very strong-
minded and not a person I would care to debate, so to avoid being pressured to stay on with other
arrangements, then kick myself afterward, I chose to write.
I dropped the letter in Mrs. Smith's mailbox. As soon as she read it, she telephoned to say that we
would still be friends, but she thought it was extremely "ignorant and ill-mannered" of me to have
written to her instead of speaking to her. Abby, some people are easier to write to than talk to.
What do you think? Was a letter a poor vehicle for my message? -- IN THE DARK
DEAR IN: I think you used excellent judgment. Your reasons for writing to Mrs. Smith instead of
risking a face-to-face confrontation were valid.
life

DEAR ABBY: With so many children as well as some adults unable to read, and the warning on some
labels printed so small that older people can't read them, perhaps we should resume the old skull and
crossbones on all poisons.
Also, now that camping season has returned, parents should avoid dressing their children in
camouflage-printed clothing for picnics or camp-outs. If children wander off, they would be much
harder to locate.
Bright orange or yellow is the most visible color. Campers should keep that in mind. -- DULUTH,
MINN.
DEAR DULUTH: And a whistle hung on an elastic cord around the neck isn't a bad idea for campers.
But make sure the elastic cord can't strangle the wearer should it get caught on some object.
life

BROTHER-IN-LAW'S HUG TOO CLOSE
FOR TEEN'S COMFORT
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. I have a sister who is 19 and has been married for a year. One
day last week, her husband told me how beautiful he thought I was and how much I had developed
lately.
Later he gave me a ride to my girlfriend's house to pick up my bike. On the way back it was quite dark.
All of a sudden he stopped the truck and asked me for a hug. I thought, "What the heck, he did me a
favor to drive me to pick up my bike, so it's no big deal to give him a hug." Well, it was a real long
hug, and he wouldn't let me go. Then he asked me for a kiss, and I said, "No way ... no, NO!" He knew
I really meant it, so he let me go. Neither one of us said a word until he dropped me off at my house.
I really feel uncomfortable around him now. I can't tell my sister or anyone else because my sister
really loves him and I couldn't live with myself if I made trouble in her marriage.
If you want to print this to warn other teens who may run into a problem like this, please don't use my
name. -- THE KID SISTER
DEAR SISTER: You were very, very wise. Thanks for sharing your experience as a warning to other
young girls who could be taken advantage of by a relative or close friend.
life

DEAR ABBY: We got a good chuckle out of "Very Disappointed" who spent her wedding night on a
fold-out couch in a fancy hotel. Your advice to double-check reservations was very good, but it doesn't
always work. Here's our story:
We had arranged the "honeymoon package" at the then brand-new Hilton in Erie, Pa. We arrived late
on our wedding night and were warmly welcomed at the front desk. When we got to our room, we
found the promised bottle of champagne and a very lovely large room -- but no bed! It seems one of
the couches was a fold-out bed with one pillow and a set of sheets (no blanket)! When we telephoned
downstairs, we were informed that the hotel was full and "housekeeping" was closed for the night, so
we were out of luck.
When we folded out the bed and sat on it -- it collapsed!
But what the heck? We've had many laughs over that story through the years. We've often said that a
couple without a sense of humor could have broken up over such a series of incidents. Let's hope the
honeymoon couple in that classy Dallas hotel survived their disappointment.
As for us, 13 years later, we're ... STILL LAUGHING IN GRASS VALLEY, CALIF.
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO V.N.: You know you're getting old when a lady you've never met before is seated
next to you at a dinner party and she asks which is your good ear.
life

included.)
life
Woman Caught in Triangle Finds Three Is Still a Crowd

DEAR ABBY: I am desperate, so I will tell you my problem from the beginning. I am a 35-year-old
mother of three. I divorced my husband twice for the same reason. Both times I caught him with
another woman. (The same woman, and she was my best friend.)
Now I have a guy I think the world of. I love him like I have never loved anybody in my entire life. I
can't stand being away from him. We have everything in common. He keeps telling me how much he
loves me, and I know he isn't lying. He treats me like a queen. There is only one problem. He's living
with another woman. He says he doesn't love her, and I believe him. He's too kind and decent to tell
her he's in love with another woman. He says if she knew, she might even kill herself.
He doesn't want me dating anyone else, but he goes home to her every night and I'm alone.
I'm tired of hiding, but I'm afraid if I force him to make a choice, it won't be me. What should I do? --
A WOMAN IN LOVE
DEAR WOMAN: Brace yourself for some unpleasant news. The guy you are in love with has already
made his choice, and it's not you.
Quit being available whenever he wants you. And quit hiding. The man is living with another woman,
and he's cheating on HER to be with you. Please wise up and smell the skunk cabbage. This man is not
worthy of your love.
life

DEAR ABBY: Tonight, while shopping at a large department store, I witnessed a man pull his son's
hair and then he kept punching him very hard on his back and shoulders in an effort to make the boy
obey.
The boy looked to be about 7 or 8 years old. The poor kid sat on the floor and cried silently while his
father delivered these cruel blows with hate in his eyes. I stood no more than 3 feet away throughout
this episode, searching for the right words to demand that he stop hurting the boy, but I feared that if I
said anything, the man would be angered and embarrassed and would take his anger out on the child
later at home.
Please address this issue, Abby. Tell your readers how to handle such situations. -- FEELING GUILTY
FOR MY SILENCE
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: The scene you witnessed involved a man out of control. You could have
very gently and quietly attempted to calm the father by saying, "I know exactly how you feel.
Sometimes taking a child that age shopping is more than we can handle." And without being
judgmental, in a soft and sympathetic tone, you would have intervened and brought an out-of-control
man back to reality.
This sometimes takes more courage than most people have in today's "mind-your-own-business"
society, but to do nothing while witnessing child abuse is indefensible.
Readers: There is now a toll-free National Child Abuse Hotline for adults to call when they feel that
they are losing control. Dial 1-800-422-4453.
life

life
Woman Caught in Triangle Finds Three Is Still a Crowd

DEAR ABBY: I am desperate, so I will tell you my problem from the beginning. I am a 35-year-old
mother of three. I divorced my husband twice for the same reason. Both times I caught him with
another woman. (The same woman, and she was my best friend.)
Now I have a guy I think the world of. I love him like I have never loved anybody in my entire life. I
can't stand being away from him. We have everything in common. He keeps telling me how much he
loves me, and I know he isn't lying. He treats me like a queen. There is only one problem. He's living
with another woman. He says he doesn't love her, and I believe him. He's too kind and decent to tell
her he's in love with another woman. He says if she knew, she might even kill herself.
He doesn't want me dating anyone else, but he goes home to her every night and I'm alone.
I'm tired of hiding, but I'm afraid if I force him to make a choice, it won't be me. What should I do? --
A WOMAN IN LOVE
DEAR WOMAN: Brace yourself for some unpleasant news. The guy you are in love with has already
made his choice, and it's not you.
Quit being available whenever he wants you. And quit hiding. The man is living with another woman,
and he's cheating on HER to be with you. Please wise up and smell the skunk cabbage. This man is not
worthy of your love.
life

DEAR ABBY: Tonight, while shopping at a large department store, I witnessed a man pull his son's
hair and then he kept punching him very hard on his back and shoulders in an effort to make the boy
obey.
The boy looked to be about 7 or 8 years old. The poor kid sat on the floor and cried silently while his
father delivered these cruel blows with hate in his eyes. I stood no more than 3 feet away throughout
this episode, searching for the right words to demand that he stop hurting the boy, but I feared that if I
said anything, the man would be angered and embarrassed and would take his anger out on the child
later at home.
Please address this issue, Abby. Tell your readers how to handle such situations. -- FEELING GUILTY
FOR MY SILENCE
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: The scene you witnessed involved a man out of control. You could have
very gently and quietly attempted to calm the father by saying, "I know exactly how you feel.
Sometimes taking a child that age shopping is more than we can handle." And without being
judgmental, in a soft and sympathetic tone, you would have intervened and brought an out-of-control
man back to reality.
This sometimes takes more courage than most people have in today's "mind-your-own-business"
society, but to do nothing while witnessing child abuse is indefensible.
Readers: There is now a toll-free National Child Abuse Hotline for adults to call when they feel that
they are losing control. Dial 1-800-422-4453.
life

Mom Worries That Son in Jail Will Sentence
Family to Grief
life

DEAR ABBY: My son got into serious trouble and is in jail right now. He is 19 and began getting into
trouble with the law three years ago. He's close to his grandparents, who live out of state, and when he
first got into trouble at age 16, I kept them in the dark about it as long as I could. They eventually
found out, and I know they worried a lot.
My son stayed out of trouble for more than a year. He went to counseling for alcohol abuse and other
problems. I realized he still had problems. But three days ago, he and a friend of his broke into
someone's garage to steal and were caught. My heart broke once again. My son is now in county jail. I
visited him there and managed to hold back my tears in front of him, but I cried all the way home.
Here's my problem: Should I tell my parents, who are 1,000 miles away, and cause them all this grief?
My mother telephones every weekend to "check in." I didn't have the heart to tell her this Sunday. Do
you think she has the right to know? She always asks about her grandsons and is especially close to
this one. I just don't want her to worry. -- BROKENHEARTED MOTHER
DEAR BROKENHEARTED: Since your mother always asks, and feels especially close to this
grandchild, I think you should tell her the truth now. Eventually she will have to be told, unless you
intend to deceive your parents about the boy's whereabouts until he's served his time. If so, your
chances for pulling it off are slim.
life

DEAR ABBY: Please discuss fathers tickling their young children. They seem to get some sadistic
pleasure out of expressing their love (?) by tickling the little girls and boys until they scream with
laughter, then pain -- then end up in tears!
This needs discussion, Abby. I think it's sadistic! Do you? -- MRS. B. IN JOPLIN, MO.
DEAR MRS. B: Yes. Children who "end up in tears" are experiencing pain -- not pleasure -- and no
father should be permitted to play such games. Excessive tickling is said to stimulate children
inappropriately. To subject a child to this kind of "play" is child abuse. It's the business of adults to
protect children from ANY kind of child abuse -- and while it may appear innocent and "all in fun," it
should not be tolerated.
life

DEAR ABBY: The woman who was upset because her husband's friend held his fork incorrectly just
about sent me through the roof. I wish all I had to worry about was how my friends held their dinner
forks.
I'd like to tell that woman that if more people would hold their forks in their fists like a 3-year-old
child, but were smart, college-educated, well-mannered and had great personalities, our country would
be much better off.
I suppose a man could be a rapist, murderer or drug dealer, but as long as he held his dinner fork
properly, he'd be OK? That woman should come down from her pedestal and start dealing with issues
like world peace, abused children, caring for the elderly, and feeding the homeless -- who would be
happy just to eat, let alone hold a fork properly! -- S.B., ROSEBURG, ORE.
life

life
Man's Yearly Physicals Missed Growing Cancer

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this from a well-known cancer and tumor clinic in Texas.
We are here because my husband, who has had a complete physical every year since 1971, has
inoperable prostate cancer. I am angry and bitter because no doctor, during 20 years of annual physical
examinations that included a digital rectal examination, ever mentioned that there are blood tests which
can detect prostate cancer.
We have been told that my husband has had this disease for at least seven to eight years. We also
learned that if a man's brother or father has had prostate cancer, his chances of getting cancer are
increased 2 1/2 times! In every medical questionnaire my husband has ever filled out, he stated that his
father had died of prostatic cancer. (His brother was diagnosed last week with the same disease!)
We are hoping that our experience will educate others so they will not find themselves where we are.
We strongly urge all "high risk" men to be examined by a urologist, because many physicians do not
recognize prostate disease. -- ANGRY AND BITTER
DEAR ANGRY AND BITTER: You have every right to be both angry and bitter, and I thank you for
trying to warn others.
For readers who do not know what "high risk" means in this context, it refers to people whose blood
relatives have been afflicted with the same disease.
life

DEAR ABBY: When a couple asks another couple to ride along with them, what is the proper seating?
Should the wife automatically sit in front with her husband, or should she sit in the back with the other
lady? Or should the couple whose car it is ask the other couple how they prefer to ride? -- EDNA C. IN
CARMAN, ILL.
DEAR EDNA: It depends on the circumstances -- how well the couples know each other, the distance
to be traveled and whether either of the couples are newlyweds. (Newlyweds usually prefer to sit
together.)
The important factor in the seating arrangement is that everybody be pleased and comfortable. Couples
who have a long friendship might prefer "one-on-one" conversation with the spouse of the same sex.
My personal rule of thumb: When in doubt, sit with your own mate.
life

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for insisting that a written thank-you note for a gift is still absolutely
imperative. I was appalled when a reader suggested that a "warm hug and a verbal thank-you at the
next chance meeting at church or a social function should be sufficient."
A child should be taught at a very early age to write a thank-you note. Writing improves finger
coordination, penmanship and spelling, and helps to create a bond between the child and the giver.
In today's world of electronic communication -- the telephone and fax -- it is still necessary to record
thoughts, events and instructions in writing. If a "tape" is erased, the message is lost forever. Therefore
it is vital that we learn how to communicate in writing. And it all begins when a child is taught to write
a thank-you note.
At 86, I am still writing. -- M.S.P., SANTA ANA, CALIF.

life

life
BROTHER-IN-LAW'S HUG TOO CLOSE FOR TEEN'S

COMFORT

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. I have a sister who is 19 and has been married for a year. One
day last week, her husband told me how beautiful he thought I was and how much I had developed
lately.
Later he gave me a ride to my girlfriend's house to pick up my bike. On the way back it was quite dark.
All of a sudden he stopped the truck and asked me for a hug. I thought, "What the heck, he did me a
favor to drive me to pick up my bike, so it's no big deal to give him a hug." Well, it was a real long
hug, and he wouldn't let me go. Then he asked me for a kiss, and I said, "No way ... no, NO!" He knew
I really meant it, so he let me go. Neither one of us said a word until he dropped me off at my house.
I really feel uncomfortable around him now. I can't tell my sister or anyone else because my sister
really loves him and I couldn't live with myself if I made trouble in her marriage.
If you want to print this to warn other teens who may run into a problem like this, please don't use my
name. -- THE KID SISTER
DEAR SISTER: You were very, very wise. Thanks for sharing your experience as a warning to other
young girls who could be taken advantage of by a relative or close friend.
life

DEAR ABBY: We got a good chuckle out of "Very Disappointed" who spent her wedding night on a
fold-out couch in a fancy hotel. Your advice to double-check reservations was very good, but it doesn't
always work. Here's our story:
We had arranged the "honeymoon package" at the then brand-new Hilton in Erie, Pa. We arrived late
on our wedding night and were warmly welcomed at the front desk. When we got to our room, we
found the promised bottle of champagne and a very lovely large room -- but no bed! It seems one of
the couches was a fold-out bed with one pillow and a set of sheets (no blanket)! When we telephoned
downstairs, we were informed that the hotel was full and "housekeeping" was closed for the night, so
we were out of luck.
When we folded out the bed and sat on it -- it collapsed!
But what the heck? We've had many laughs over that story through the years. We've often said that a
couple without a sense of humor could have broken up over such a series of incidents. Let's hope the
honeymoon couple in that classy Dallas hotel survived their disappointment.
As for us, 13 years later, we're ... STILL LAUGHING IN GRASS VALLEY, CALIF.
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO V.N.: You know you're getting old when a lady you've never met before is seated
next to you at a dinner party and she asks which is your good ear.
life

included.)
MOM IS OUT OF THE PICTURE IN
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW'S HOME
life

DEAR ABBY: Have you ever heard the little jingle that goes:
"A son is a son 'til he takes a wife,
"But a daughter is a daughter all her life"?
We have only one child, a son. He is now married. My husband and I helped them a lot when they first
married, and plenty since that time. Those kids practically furnished their home with gifts from us.
(Generous checks for their birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas.)
Abby, it really hurts when we go to their home and see pictures of our daughter-in-law's family all over
the place, but not one picture of my husband and me. We have given them several nice ones taken at an
expensive portrait studio, but they are probably stuck away in some closet or drawer.
Maybe the kids don't realize how much this hurts us. Please put this in your column. They take the
Evansville Courier, and I know they both read your column. Sign me ... HURTING IN INDIANA
DEAR HURTING: I'm publishing your letter not so much with the hope that your son and daughter-in-
law will see it, but to offer you a little advice.
The next time you visit "the kids," instead of silently hurting, why don't you tell them what's on your
mind?
A simple, honest statement such as, "I feel hurt when we come to your lovely home and there's not one
picture of Dad and me anywhere."
It may not change anything, but at least you will have spoken your piece, and I think you'll feel better
for having said it.
life

DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law, whom I dearly love, has what I believe is a genetic problem. He falls
asleep while he is driving his car. Last week, he fell asleep at the wheel while driving with my son. My
son woke him up just in time to prevent an accident. From what my daughter tells me, there have been
other similar incidents.
Their year-old daughter is in my care almost on a daily basis. She falls asleep in a car within five
minutes. Both she and her father are active everywhere -- except in a car. The motion acts like a
sedative for them.
My son-in-law will be commuting 2 1/2 hours daily, plus three hours of driving while working. I am
terrified of the consequences.
I have spoken to him about this, but he is young and feels immortal. I've heard of a device that is worn
on the head of the driver. It sounds an alert if the driver should suddenly fall asleep. Could you help me
locate such a device? Perhaps one of your readers knows where something like this can be obtained. --
A CARING MOTHER-IN-LAW
DEAR CARING: Your son-in-law should see his physician immediately. He could have a condition
known as "narcolepsy." If your son-in-law or his physician needs information on this condition, write
to: American Narcolepsy Association, P.O. Box 26230, San Francisco, Calif. 94126. It is a non-profit
organization, so please send a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope for information.
life

DEAR ABBY: "Four Eyes and Well-Adjusted" should try my solution for all those boorish men who
tell me, "You'd look better without your glasses."
I slowly remove them, and exclaim, "What a coincidence! You look better without my glasses, too!" --
MARTINSBURG, W.VA.
life

life
Three Cheers for All You Dads, and Have an Enjoyable Day

DEAR READERS: Today is Father's Day. What? So soon again? Is it just my imagination, or are all
the holidays getting closer together? Well, Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there.
This year, let's pay special tribute to those men who were "just like a father" to a family whose "real"
father died, disappeared, or was just not around for one of a thousand reasons.
A garland of orchids to stepfathers -- you men who married women with "ready-made" families, and
managed to overcome all the obstacles that only men in that situation can know. (How often did you
hear, "You're not my REAL father -- you can't tell me what to do"?)
A diamond in the crown of the father who, for one reason or another, had to be both father and mother
to his children. (He not only brought home the bacon -- he cooked it.)
So, a resounding Happy Father's Day! Enjoy your day, Dad. And be sure to wear your necktie
immediately so the wife and kids won't ask (around Christmastime), "Say, Dad, how come you never
wear that tie we gave you for Father's Day? We paid a fortune for it."
life

DEAR ABBY: Twenty-seven years ago, when I was 15, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I gave him
up for adoption for reasons known to many who had the same experience in the '60s. I gave him up out
of love, and wanted him to have a better life than I could have given him at the time.
Two weeks ago, I received a telephone call from an intermediary who said my son was looking for me!
After I recovered from the initial shock, I called the number I was given. Abby, I was so choked up I
could hardly speak, but my son put me at ease immediately by saying he felt no ill will toward me for
having given him up. Then he thanked me for having chosen to give him life instead of having an
abortion. He assured me that the parents who raised him were the best, and if I ever had any doubts
about whether I did the right thing in giving him up, I should set my mind at ease.
The point of this letter is to thank my son's adoptive parents for having raised such a fine,
compassionate young man. The credit belongs to them entirely. I also want to thank them for assuring
my son that I did indeed love him, and that giving him up was the best way to prove my love for him.
Abby, I am getting married soon --- for the first time. And when I told my son, he said, "You gave me
away out of love, now I would like to return the favor and give 'the bride' away -- then we will be
even."
No signature or city, please. I want every adoptive mother to know that this is meant for her, with love
and gratitude for her unselfishness. -- A RICHLY REWARDED BIRTHMOTHER
life

DEAR ABBY: May I share the message I read recently in a cartoon? It shows a teen-age boy and his
grandfather. The boy says, "Gee, Grandad, your generation didn't have all these problems with sexually
transmitted diseases. What did you wear to prevent them?"
Grandpa replied, "A wedding ring." -- JOHN M. KELLEY, DMin, SWEETWATER PRESBYTERIAN
CHURCH, HICKORY, N.C.
life

life
Big Baby Has Many Clothes but Nothing Much to Wear

DEAR ABBY: Would you please do all the parents of small children (babies especially) a big favor and
tell the manufacturers of infant and toddler clothing to stop labeling the clothes by age (3 to 6 months,
18 months, etc.)? Nothing could be more irrelevant.
Our 4-month-old son is in the 95th percentile for length and weight for his age group. His clothes
labels read 12 and 18 months. His pediatrician says he is in all respects normal -- just big (every bit of
21 pounds).
If clothes were labeled by weight and/or length, making an appropriate purchase without trying to
wriggle an overtired infant into the outfit first might be possible. As it is, I have drawers full of
sweatsuits given to my baby by well-meaning friends who thought they'd be just right for next winter
since the label reads "12 months." Most of these clothes fit him now.
We live in Florida and the thermometer hit 90 degrees yesterday. What a shame. Had the clothes been
labeled according to weight, since he was 9 1/2 pounds at birth, most people could have guessed he'd
be at least three or four times that size a year later. I imagine parents of "preemies" have similar
problems -- PAT IN ST. PETE
DEAR PAT: Your suggestion makes sense. Let's hope the folks who manufacture infant and toddler
clothing take note.
life

DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter "Susie" and her husband, who live out of state and rarely
communicate with us, came to visit us last year. Their visit was complicated by the fact that they
invited another couple (whom we had never met) and their two children to join them. We made special
sleeping accommodations and fed all six of them for several days.
I was ignored, talked down to and insulted by both Susie and her friend "Betsy" during the entire visit.
Neither woman offered to help with the meals or dishes -- they just sat while I waited on them. When it
was time for them to leave, neither Susie nor Betsy said goodbye or thank you. They simply
disappeared into their van while I stood there with tears in my eyes and egg on my face!
Now, Susie is making plans to use our home as a stop-over for several days next year -- and she's
bringing Betsy and family along. I told my husband that I could tolerate Susie and her husband if I had
to, but I would not have Betsy and her family as houseguests again.
Abby, am I justified in my decision, and how should this be handled without offending my husband's
family? -- FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: You are indeed "justified" in your decision, and if any of your husband's
family are offended, they need only be told that you do not wish to accommodate guests who come
uninvited and leave without so much as a goodbye or thank-you.
life

included.)
CHARGES ON BROTHER-IN-LAW'S PHONE
BILL ADD UP TO TROUBLE
life

DEAR ABBY: I work with my brother-in-law. While routinely going over his telephone bill, I noticed
there were recurring calls to the same telephone number made only on weekends and after work hours
-- all charged to my brother-in-law's private office line. Being suspicious, I called the number myself,
and a woman answered!
I confronted my brother-in-law and told him either to tell my sister about this woman he has been
calling -- or I would. Well, he acted like I was crazy for even suggesting there was any impropriety.
I figured if I was really wrong in my suspicions, then he would tell my sister what I had accused him
of, but so far she hasn't mentioned anything about it, and he has been overly nice to me.
Should I sit and watch this go on, or tell my sister of my suspicions? Or should I just keep checking the
telephone bills? Meanwhile, I can barely stand the sight of my brother-in-law, and I can hardly look my
sister in the eye. -- KEEPING COOL
DEAR KEEPING COOL: Keep your mouth shut and your nose out of your brother-in-law's business.
As an employee, you may be privy to bills and confidential information, but until you KNOW
something, you are only guessing.
life

DEAR ABBY: Re a recent letter in your column concerning a convicted felon's right to vote: While it
is true (as you said) that a felon may not vote while he is serving time, ex-felons can vote -- at least
they can in California. Being an ex-felon myself, I know how embarrassing it can be to reveal that one
is an ex-felon. Thus, many ex-felons do not ask if they may register to vote after their sentences are up.
Many believe that they have forever lost their right to vote, which is not true.
Ex-felons can vote, take out loans, and even become lawyers in many places. Please make this clear. --
A LOYAL READER, SACRAMENTO
DEAR READER: Thank you for making it clear that after convicted felons have served their time,
they regain their right to vote in California.
life

DEAR ABBY: From time to time you print letters about some small act of human kindness. I submit
the following:
A little over a year ago, my husband, a staff sergeant in the Marine Corps, was leaving to spend a year
away from his family. This was a very difficult time for us. His flight left from San Francisco, so my
brother (who lives in the Bay area), met my husband at the airport and took him out for a real nice
dinner before putting him on the plane.
While they were enjoying their dinner, the waitress came up to them and informed them that a
gentleman a few tables away had already paid for their meals! Neither my brother nor my husband
knew this man. When the anonymous benefactor stood up to leave, my husband stood up, walked over
to him, shook his hand and thanked him.
The man replied, "Thank YOU, Marine!" -- SANDRA GALLAGHER, MATHER A.F.B., CALIF.
life

WORTH REMEMBERING: "'It is the nature of man,' Machiavelli wrote five centuries ago, 'to feel as
much bound by the favors they do as by those they receive.' While people are eternally forgetful of
favors done for them, they rarely forget the favors they have done others." -- Christopher Matthews
(from Forbes magazine)
life

life
Golden Anniversary Present Glitters More Than It Should

DEAR ABBY: My husband's parents will soon be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. My
husband has two brothers and two sisters. His sisters decided, without consulting us, that all the
children would chip in and send their parents to Hawaii as their anniversary gift. They have already
told their parents, who are thrilled about it.
The problem is, the sister whose idea it was is the only one who can afford such an expensive gift. The
rest of us are barely making it from paycheck to paycheck.
My siblings and I bought our parents a set of dishes for their 50th. We would have loved to send them
to Hawaii, but we knew they wouldn't enjoy it knowing we would have to take out a loan to pay for it.
I am more than a little resentful that my parents got dishes while my in-laws will get a trip to Hawaii.
(My parents are no less deserving.)
I have polled my friends and co-workers from all levels of income, and they agree that a trip to Hawaii
isn't a typical anniversary gift -- it is excessive. -- BURNED UP AND BROKE
DEAR BURNED UP: A trip to Hawaii is not an excessive anniversary gift for people who can afford
it. However, one or two members of a family have no right to decide on any gift "from all the children"
without having consulted all of them. And to have told the parents before discussing it with all the
siblings was inexcusable.
life

DEAR ABBY: My father sent for your booklet "What Every Teen Should Know," and asked me to
look it over to see if it would be helpful to my 12-year-old daughter. (She is his granddaughter.)
I read the booklet and thought that the way you approached all of the subjects was just great. I decided
not just to hand her the booklet, but to read it with her so we could discuss it. Now she feels very
comfortable talking with me about all the subjects that young girls wonder about, but are afraid to
bring up. It broke the ice.
Now my daughter will always come to me with questions because she knows I will always be there to
listen to her and guide her. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring about our young people.
-- GRATEFUL MOM IN LYNN, MASS.
DEAR GRATEFUL: I, too, am grateful. Thanks, Mom; your letter made my day.
life

DEAR ABBY: To those who are in the habit of putting on their glasses when they answer the
telephone, the following true story may shed some light:
At the University of Illinois Medical School, our ear-nose-and-throat professor demonstrated a simple
hearing test. He asked for a volunteer; Aaron Hilkevitch responded.
Hilkevitch sat down facing the class in the amphitheater and his glasses were taken away. The
professor approached him from the side and whispered, "One, two, three." Hilkevitch couldn't hear. So
the professor approached him again and whispered, "One, two, three" a bit louder. Again, Hilkevitch
couldn't hear. Then he blurted out, "Give me my glasses so I can hear you better!" This brought down
the house; the class roared with laughter.
Later, of course, we learned that improving one sense organ enhances the perception of other sense
organs. The opposite is also true -- that on the loss of a sense organ, other sensibilities become more
acute, as a person with impaired vision develops other compensatory skills. -- SELIG J. KAVKA,
M.D., CHICAGO
life

What teen-agers need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with their peers and parents is
life
Lump in Her Breast Puts Fear in Woman's Heart

DEAR ABBY: I recently felt a lump in my breast. It doesn't really hurt, but I know it's there. I stand a
very good chance of having cancer because my mother passed away five years ago with breast cancer.
Right now, I'm trying to handle it on my own, but I'm getting cross and downright hateful with my
husband and children. I love them dearly. I know this can't go on forever.
I watched my mother die a very slow and painful death, but just the thought of going to a doctor scares
me. On the other hand, if I do go to a doctor and he says it's cancer, he might have to remove my
breast, and if he does, I'm scared my husband might not love me anymore, or he might leave me.
What should I do? -- SCARED TO DEATH
DEAR SCARED: Do not wait another minute! Call your doctor. Tell him exactly what you have told
me, and make an appointment to see him as soon as possible. Early detection has saved the lives of
many with cancer. Don't think of anything except getting to your doctor for an examination
immediately.
I am sorry you didn't sign your name, because I want very much to talk to you. Please write again after
you've seen the doctor. I want to stay in touch with you.
life

DEAR ABBY: After nearly 10 years of marriage, I told my husband I was leaving. Before I even found
a place to move to, he kicked me out. After I relocated, we started seeing each other again, and within a
week, we were back where we started -- fighting.
They say there's a very fine line between love and hate. I still don't know which side I'm on. I have
filed for divorce, but I feel lonely and hurt. He was fantastic in bed, and just the thought of being
intimate with another man nauseates me. Also, why risk AIDS for sex that may not be any good?
Abby, after 10 years, I wouldn't even know how to act on a date. I can't live with him, but I can't live
without him. Is this normal for someone who has just split up, or do I need help? -- IN LIMBO IN
TACOMA
DEAR IN LIMBO: Not being able to live with or without someone is an old refrain I hear often. And
the love/hate ambivalence is as old as the hills. Your feelings are normal -- and you do need help. Get
professional counseling. If money is a problem for you, check with your local YWCA and ask if they
offer free counseling.
life

DEAR ABBY: As parents of children who are 35 and 44, it seems awkward -- even ridiculous -- to
refer to them as "our child" or "our children."
In current usage, a "child" is a very young person. In searching for a more grown-up word for them, we
finally agreed on "chult" -- a contraction of adult and child -- or "chults" for adult children.
What do you (and your readers) think? -- OHIO PARENTS
DEAR PARENTS: I doubt if "chult" would catch on. When referring to your adult offspring, why not
say "our son" or "our daughter"?
life

included.)
Weary Father Can't Get One of His Chicks Out
of the Nest
life

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 65-year-old father of six; the youngest left the nest two years ago at the age of 26.
Although I was divorced almost 15 years ago, I've always provided a good home for all of them and
helped with college, cars, etc. I retired two years ago, hoping to travel and enjoy my "golden years."
That's when my 34-year-old daughter, "Jenny," divorced her husband after seven years on welfare and
moved into my home with her 10-year-old son. Now I find myself cooking, baby sitting and cleaning
house for the two of them, and I resent it.
I have enough retirement income to support myself comfortably and take a few trips, but I shouldn't
have to support Jenny and Junior, much less have them live with me so I can't feel comfortable having
an overnight guest or a dip in my pool "au naturel."
So, my question is, How do I get rid of them? I think I've paid my dues, and now it's my turn. What do
you think? -- HAD IT IN SUNNY CALIFORNIA
DEAR HAD IT: I think it's time you gathered the gumption to tell Jenny that you love her, but your
golden years are beginning to tarnish. Tell her quite frankly that you can no longer have her and Junior
as your houseguests, so she will have to make other living arrangements. (Offer to help her relocate, if
necessary.)
The alternative is to chicken out and sacrifice your privacy. The choice is yours, Dad.
life

DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your column for maybe 30 years, and I can't believe I am actually
writing to you, but here goes:
I had a very happy marriage for 30 years and then my husband passed away. Two years later, I
remarried. It was love at first sight, but I should have taken a second look.
I have been married to this no-good, wife-beating alcoholic maniac for eight years. His filthy language
alone is driving me crazy. We do not eat together because he picks a fight the minute he sits down. We
don't sleep together because I can't stand the way he thrashes around and hollers in his sleep, so I sleep
with my little dog, which my husband hates.
I would like to get a divorce because I am not happy with this man, but my friends tell me that a
divorce is always painful and will leave deep scars. Don't suggest counseling. My husband knows
everything and won't listen to anybody. By the way, this hypocrite goes to church every Sunday; then
he comes home and drinks a whole bottle of wine by himself. Don't suggest A.A. -- he won't go.
Abby, please tell me what to do. When my man drinks he gets mean. By the way, I've suffered two
broken wrists, three broken fingers and a broken nose. -- MISERABLE
DEAR MISERABLE: Don't listen to your friends. A separation or divorce from this no-good, wife-
beating alcoholic maniac (your words) could be no more painful than your marriage. I rarely advise
people to separate or divorce, but in your case, I'm making an exception. Call a lawyer while you are
still able to dial the number.
life

DEAR ABBY: Your "Confidential to G.F. in Dayton, Ohio" astounded me, as it seemed to imply that
because the Wright brothers were bachelors, they could not have had any direct descendants. Do you
actually believe that bachelors are somehow incapable of having "direct descendants"? -- LEBERT
DUKE, PITTSBURGH
DEAR LEBERT: I am indeed aware that bachelors are capable of procreating, but I was referring to
LEGITIMATE progeny. Somehow, I could not conceive (pun intended) of the Wright brothers being
such high fliers.
life

life
Woman Asks if She Should Dump Man Who Ditched Her

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend moved in with me six months before our wedding date. I bought my
dress and my mother's, and started making plans for our wedding. Two weeks later, my boyfriend said
he wanted to postpone our wedding for another year. A month later, he came home and said, "I'm
moving out. I don't want to live with you anymore, and I have also decided I don't want to get
married"!
I was very upset about his change of mind because I really love him. Then I told myself, "It is better to
find out now that I can't depend on him," but my heart was broken anyway.
Three months later he came over and said he still loves me and wants to move back in with me again.
Abby, I still love him, but I am wondering if I should let him move back.
Please help me make a decision. My wedding dress is still in the box. My family says I should forget
him. -- STILL HURTING
DEAR HURTING: Don't let him move back in with you. And while you are "still hurting," don't let
him back into your life. Please get professional counseling (your local mental health association is in
your phone book). Through counseling, you will find out why you still "love" a man who has treated
you so shabbily.
life

DEAR ABBY: I have had a best friend for more than 20 years. We've known each other since fourth
grade. We have always been able to discuss everything and anything honestly. However, my friend has
gained a frightening amount of weight during the last two years. She appears to be at least 100 pounds
over her normal weight, but she absolutely refuses to talk about it. Meanwhile, she eats up a storm!
Every time I mention it, she gets angry and cuts me short. I am worried about her blood pressure and
even a possible heart attack because heart trouble runs in her family. She's a beautiful, generous person
anad I love her dearly, but this lady is killing herself. What can I say without alienating her?
Someone asked her recently when her "baby" was due, and it really hurt her feelings. -- A HEAVY
PROBLEM
DEAR PROBLEM: I assure you that no one knows better than your friend that she is dangerously
overweight, but until she wants to do something about it, no one can help her, so don't nag her.
The biggest favor you can do her would be to get her to see her doctor. Talk about "health," not weight.
She could have a compulsion to overeat for one of a number of reasons. Morbidly obese people need
psychological help as well as a nutritious eating program, but it all has to start in a physician's office. If
you can work a miracle, you may save your friend's life by starting there. Good luck.
life

DEAR ABBY: I have asked many people, but no one seems to have the answer, so I'm asking you!
Of what significance is the "eye" in the upper part of the pyramid on the back of the U.S. $1 bill? My
Canadian granddaughter has asked me, but I haven't been able to find the answer for her. -- L.B. IN
GREAT FALLS, MONT.
DEAR L.B.: I wasn't aware of the "eye" (or the pyramid) on the back of the U.S. dollar bill. (I needed a
magnifying glass to find it!)
According to Ron Supinski, manager of media relations for the Federal Reserve Bank in San
Francisco, "The unfinished pyramid and the eye go together. The eye represents the eternal eye of a
diety. The pyramid is a symbol of material strength and enduring foundation for future growth and a
goal of perfection. The pyramid is unfinished because it represents our country's future and our
unfinished goals."
life

life
Pastor Has Many Duties, Some of Which Are Paid

DEAR ABBY: One would think that after 34 years of pastoral experience, I would have been prepared,
but when asked by a professional adult, whose father's funeral I had just conducted, "What do you
charge?" I answered, "Nothing"! The reply I received was, "If you will give me the name and address
of your church, I will send a check in your honor."
I should have said, "Nothing, but I am accustomed to receiving an honorarium -- especially from non-
church members." And I could have added, "Today is my third trip to this city, totaling 240 miles. At a
mere 20 cents per mile, that would be almost $50 for expenses alone -- not including the six to eight
hours spent in travel and preparation."
Last month I was asked to conduct a funeral service for a non-church member who lived in our
community. I received an honorarium of $100, which was greatly appreciated and set aside for a future
vacation.
The majority of pastors are underpaid and taken for granted. My wife reminded me of the time I was
paid $10 for a wedding with the suggestion that I split it with the pianist! -- ANOTHER GEORGIA
PASTOR
DEAR PASTOR: Perhaps your letter will remind readers who require the services of a clergyperson for
happy occasions (weddings, christenings,) as well as sad ones (funerals, last rites, etc.) that Hoover is
no longer in the White House, and the clergyperson should be appropriately compensated for his/her
automobile use, gasoline, dry cleaning, haircut -- not to mention the effort and the time spent in
preparing and delivering the service.
life

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and her husband are separated. Their children -- an 8-year-old daughter
and 11-year-old son -- spend one weekend with their father and the next with their mom.
When they are at their father's, both children sleep in the same double bed with him. I think this is a
bad idea and I told him so. His reaction to my protestations was, "Well, it's not as though I sleep in the
nude -- I always wear shorts!"
Abby, both children are developing rapidly and our whole family is concerned about their sleeping
arrangements when they're at their dad's. Are we overreacting? Or do you think our concerns are valid?
-- GRANDMA
DEAR GRANDMA: Your concerns are valid. Not only should your grandson and granddaughter not
be sleeping with their father -- they should not be sleeping with each other.
life

DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I read the letter from "A Lusting Guy in Indy" who roamed the
malls lusting after slim maidens in tight jeans.
After 23 years of marriage, like a lot of other women, I've put on a few extra pounds. Try as I may, I
can't get them off.
One day, my hubby asked me -- with a sad expression, "Whatever happened to that little 24-inch waist
I married?"
I replied -- with an equally sad expression, "Well, Dear, I left it in the '50s with your hair!" (He's bald!)
-- NOBODY'S PERFECT
life

Office Baby Showers Dry Up When Woman
Adopts Toddler
life

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I adopted a beautiful little boy two years ago. He was 2 years old
when we got him. We waited for 2 1/2 years to get him, and when the agency called us to say we could
come and get him, I was so thrilled I shared the good news with my co-workers. I worked in an office
with 13 other women. In the three years that I worked there, I attended six baby showers and hosted
one in my home.
Abby, I cannot tell you how heartbroken I was when no one from the office even called to ask how
things were going. No shower, no gifts -- not even a card. I did, however, receive many questions about
my son's birth parents. (Did I ever meet them? Were they married? How old was his mother? Does he
have any sisters or brothers?)
I since have moved on to a new job because I felt so much resentment toward my co-workers. I was
invited to two more baby showers before I quit.
Abby, please remind people to treat everyone's new child the same -- adopted or not. It would mean so
much to the new parents. I just had to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening. --
BROKENHEARTED WITH A TERRIFIC SON
DEAR BROKENHEARTED: There is no defense for the attitude of your former co-workers, but I'm
printing your letter because it carries a very important message! An adopted child deserves the same
celebrated welcome as a birth child, and because there is usually so much red tape, praying and
waiting, perhaps a little more.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a female, working for a cable television company as a computer operator. Lately,
every morning when I sign in on the computer, I find suggestive messages of a sexual nature from the
man I relieve from the night shift.
One message: "Darling, I dreamed about you last night ..." He also had flowers delivered to me at work
on Valentine's Day.
I am a single mother and this is starting to get out of hand. I am dating another man and have no
interest in this co-worker.
Should I report him to my supervisor? Someone in the office suggested that I file sexual harassment
charges. What if I do, and the guy gets canned from work and tries to hurt me or get even? --
HARASSED IN DENVER
DEAR HARASSED: Before you report him to your supervisor, tell the pushy pest that you are not
interested in his flowers or his fantasies. And if he annoys you further, make good your threat.
life

DEAR ABBY: Please help me. My desk at work is 10 feet away from a person who whistles
constantly. I get so irritated that I cannot concentrate on the task at hand. This is beginning to have a
great effect on my work, and I don't like it. The problem is that this person is my boss, and I don't want
to run the risk of seeming insubordinate. On the other hand, if this whistling does not stop, I will go
crazy. What should I do? -- SOON-TO-BE-BONKERS
DEAR SOON: Your job can't possibly be more important to you than your sanity, so tell your boss that
you can't concentrate on your work while "someone" is whistling. And if your boss continues to drive
you bonkers with his/her whistling, repeat the message, unless, of course, you don't mind going
bonkers.
life

included.)
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Good Lovin' Is Senior's Secret for Good Marriage

DEAR ABBY: Sex for seniors? Why not? That's right up my alley. I'm age 85, with a 71-year-old third
wife, and we make love frequently. I lost my first two wives to cancer after almost 20 years with each.
I met my present wife when I was 79 and she was 64. She had been with the only man in her life -- her
husband of 37 years -- so I should not have been surprised at her obvious lack of experience. Being
"made love to" was new to her, as opposed to being an outlet for a man's desires. Once we got in tune
with each other, we made love 10 times in nine days -- once every day, and twice on Sunday. I kid you
not.
We have slowed down somewhat since I was hospitalized for a month after surgery to remove a
cancerous colon. It was a month after that before we could resume our lovemaking. Notice, I said
"lovemaking," not having sex. There is a difference.
By the way, I met my third wife in church. After our relationship became serious, we toured Europe
together. Different names on passports don't bother hotel clerks or anyone else when two people travel
as a couple. After living out of a suitcase for six weeks, we knew we'd either love each other or hate
each other's guts. We married as soon as our property sales were completed.
My secret for a successful marriage? Take your time. Sex is a quick roll in the hay. Making love is like
an ocean voyage; half the fun is getting there. -- OLDER BUT NOT TOO OLD
DEAR OLDER: You could write a book ... you certainly know what to do between the covers. Hooray
for you!
life

DEAR ABBY: Could you please tell me if there is anything a man can do to color the gray hair on his
chest? Are there any products on the market that can handle this problem?
The hair on my head is mostly dark brown with only a few gray hairs, but I am getting a whole flock of
gray hairs on my chest. Hurry your answer, please. I don't want to look like an old guy on the beach. --
MALIBU MALE
DEAR MALIBU: Ask your barber. He should know. If he can't help you, head for the nearest store that
carries beauty supplies. Its shelves will be lined with "rinses" and "tints" that will solve your dilemma.
life

DEAR ABBY: Please say something about the widespread use of pacifiers. They are used mostly to
pacify the parents who stick it in the child's mouth to keep it quiet.
Putting a plug in a child's mouth, whether it's a genuine plug or a bottle (when used as a pacifier),
causes the child to associate comfort and relief of stress with oral satisfaction, which may lead later in
life to smoking, overeating or alcoholism.
The child's instinct to suck is usually satisfied by breast or bottle when the child is hungry.
And don't you hate to see a child who is old enough to walk still sucking on a bottle? -- BARBARA
SNADER, CHILD DEVELOPMENT SPECIALIST
DEAR BARBARA: Yes. But the people who most love to see a child who is old enough to walk still
sucking on a bottle are the orthodontists.
life

included.)
life
If You Are Angry, There Is Something You Should Read

DEAR READERS: Over the years, I have written booklets on how to write letters for all occasions,
how to have a lovely wedding, what every teen should know, how to be popular, and two booklets
filled with favorite family recipes. But I completely overlooked one of the most important subjects of
all -- the anger in all of us and how to deal with it.
Anger is a normal emotion. We have all experienced anger in varying degrees. My mail bears abundant
testimony to that fact. I receive letters from angry children, angry parents, angry spouses, angry lovers,
angry neighbors, angry pet lovers -- the list is endless.
Many people express their anger physically -- at the expense of another. Others swallow their anger
and have chronic indigestion or ulcers to show for it.
I discussed the subject of anger with my longtime friend and consultant, Dr. Judd Marmor, eminent
psychoanalyst and past president of the American Psychiatric Association, and with his expert
guidance, another booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," emerged.
Written in plain, everyday language, it's easy to read and easy to understand. Some comments from
those who have read it:
-- "I can see myself in that booklet."
-- "I wish I had read it years ago."
-- "I want my children to read it."

To order "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," send a long, business-size, self-addressed
envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Anger Booklet, P.O.
life

DEAR ABBY: Maybe you can help me with this. I called the Immigration and Naturalization office
and couldn't get an answer to my question.
I am a white American female. My husband is Chinese, born in Vietnam. He has a permanent resident
visa.
My question: What nationality does that make our children? Someone told me that they are white
American, but to me that means that they are ignoring their Oriental heritage.
My daughter says she is half-Chinese and half-American. Please straighten this out, as we never know
how to fill out the forms when this question is asked. -- PUZZLED IN FLORIDA
DEAR PUZZLED: Your daughter's nationality is American because she is a natural-born citizen of the
United States of America. As for the racial issue: She is half-Oriental and half-Caucasian (or white).
life

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "Stuck in a Small Town," the teen-age guy who married his
girlfriend because she was pregnant, only to find out later that the baby wasn't his.
I have a similar story to tell. "Jimmy" and I were seniors in high school. We went steady off and on for
four years, and yes, I got pregnant. I had also been seeing a guy I'll call Stan for about three months,
and Jimmy knew it.
I told both guys I was pregnant, and Stan said: "I will marry you, but after the baby comes, we are
taking blood tests, and if the baby isn't mine, you are going to have to give me a divorce."
Jimmy said: "I love you and I want to marry you. I don't need a blood test because I don't care who the
baby's father is. I will raise the baby as my own, either way."
Well, Jimmy and I were married the week after graduation, and our son is 2 years old now. Jimmy
knows now that the baby isn't his because he looks just like the other guy, but that doesn't stop him
from loving him.
I'm not recommending sex in high school. It's a big mistake, but I happen to be one of the lucky ones. -
- LUCKY IN TEXAS
life

2/2/24, 2:08 PM Recording Your Family Past Is Best Done in the Present
Recording Your Family Past Is Best Done in the

Present
life

DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for your readers. Tell them to urge their parents to identify the
photos of their ancestors. When our parents died, my sister and I had no idea who was in the
photographs we were left.
Fortunately, my sister traveled to Denmark and was able to get in touch with relatives who could
identify the people. -- MARILYN BIRD, ROSE CITY, MICH.
DEAR MARILYN: I couldn't agree more. A few years ago, I received this letter that dealt with the
problem:
DEAR ABBY: You suggested that "older people" should mark the backs of family pictures while they
can still remember who's who, when the pictures were taken and the approximate dates. Why only
"older people"? That's something everybody should do as soon as a snapshot is developed.
For years, I was too busy (or too lazy) to do it, and now that I'm retired and have plenty of time, I can't
remember who half the people are.
My parents can't help me because my father has been dead for 25 years, and my mother is in a rest
home, unable to remember much of anything.
So here I sit, with a big box of family pictures -- beating my brains out trying to recall names, dates
and places. What a mess!
Abby, please remind your readers often to label their pictures. Then their grandchildren won't have to
go through what I'm going through now. -- KICKING MYSELF IN ASBURY PARK
DEAR KICKING: Not only should family pictures be labeled, but accounts of historical events and
newspaper clippings of births, graduations, marriages and deaths in the family should be preserved in a
sturdy scrapbook.
Fascinating family histories could be preserved if younger members interviewed older relatives at
family gatherings. A tape recorder would be ideal for this purpose.
Succeeding generations will love it!

life
read://https_www.uexpress.com/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.uexpress.com%2Flife%2Fdearabby%2F1991%2F06%2F29 1/7

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I disagee on how our children should address their elders. My husband
and his family feel that children should always address adults as "Mr. or Mrs. So and So," regardless of
the adult's preference -- otherwise the child will not learn to respect adults.
What is your opinion? Should my children address you as "Miss Van Buren" even though you ask them
to call you "Dear Abby"? -- PREFERS FIRST NAME
DEAR PREFERS: To show respect to an adult, one addresses that person as he/she asks to be
addressed.
If a man named "Rudolph" says, "Please call me Rudy," to ignore his request and call him "Rudolph"
would be rude.
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DEAR ABBY: Regarding thank-you notes: I believe I received the tackiest thank-you note ever -- my
canceled check with "thank you" written in the "memo" space. -- APPALLED IN SODUS, N.Y.
life

included.)
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PLATONIC GIRLFRIEND IS READY TO CHANGE HER

PHILOSOPHY

DEAR ABBY: I've been reading your column since I was a pre-teen girl. I'm 21 and a college senior
now. In my freshman year, I met a super guy, "Ray." We hit it off immediately and have been best
friends ever since. Abby, Ray was my first love. There was a strong physical attraction between us (we
even discussed it), but we didn't act on it for fear of jeopardizing our precious friendship.
Since we met four years ago, I've dated others, lived with someone else, and now Ray has a girlfriend.
She is his first serious relationship. Now I am wondering if I should let him know that I am still in love
with him. We still are very close friends, and I honestly believe that we could make it as a couple.
I don't expect him to drop his girlfriend for me. However, I cannot spend the rest of my life wondering
what might have been had I been willing to risk telling him my feelings.
What do you say, Abby? -- "WHAT IF" IN SACRAMENTO
DEAR WHAT IF: Now that Ray is involved in his first serious relationship, were you to tell him that
you are still in love with him, it would cause him no end of consternation. Please, give him a break and
put your "true confessions" on hold until you know where Ray's present relationship is going. Should it
not endure, and he is free to consider another love relationship, unleash your "confession." But not
until.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am stumped as to what to do about something that happened at work. As a junior
executive in a large firm, I submitted an idea to a vice president. He reacted with very little enthusiasm,
so I assumed he didn't think much of my suggestion.
About a week later, he showed my idea to the president of the company as though he had originated it.
The president thought it was brilliant.
I was furious when I heard what had happened and I wanted to tell my friend a thing or two. However,
I took a co-worker's advice to just keep quiet, as any further action on my part could be harmful to my
career.
I am still very resentful, seeing his career flourish and not my own. Any advice? -- HAD IT WITH
OFFICE POLITICS
DEAR HAD IT: I think you used good judgment in taking your co-worker's advice. Let it go -- and
learn from the experience. And the next time you get a "brilliant" idea, submit it to the president
yourself.
life

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I just returned from the beach -- our first outing this season. It was a
beautiful sunny day in Santa Monica, and the beaches were swarming with men, women and children. I
had seen some ads of the new skimpy bikini bathing suits for women, but this is the first time I had
seen them worn by real people.
Abby, from behind, some of those women appeared to be naked -- with just a wee little string back
there, barely visible, attached to a small patch of fabric in the front, no bigger than a Band-Aid.
I am not some crotchety old woman; I'm 35 years old, but I must admit, seeing so much flesh exposed,
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. (My husband laughed.) -- EUGENIA
life

Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS, and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's
life
Teen's Lovesickness Has Parents Searching for Cure

DEAR ABBY: We are a middle-class family with a 20-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter. Our
problem is the girl -- "Karen." She's been going with the same boy, "Mark," for a year and a half. He's
17, and they are so wrapped up in each other, it's terrible.
Karen was always a happy, outgoing girl, but now she's secretive and quiet. She used to confide in me.
She doesn't go places with her girlfriends like she used to; they don't even call her anymore. Her grades
have plunged this year, so she has to go to summer school to make up some credits.
I have tried to reason with her. We have restricted her to seeing Mark only once a week because they
were getting too thick. (She says she "loves" him.) We have talked until we are blue in the face about
doing something besides waiting for Mark to call, but she can't -- or won't -- see the light. What can we
do? -- KAREN'S PARENTS
DEAR PARENTS: Your daughter has a bad case of lovesickness. She needs someone she can talk to
honestly about her feelings. Unfortunately, there is now little communication between you and Karen.
So, family counseling might bring you closer together.
Karen needs to see you as loving parents, which is what you are, instead of "the enemy" -- using your
parental power to keep her from seeing the boy she loves. (Don't ridicule her; although she is only 16,
her love is genuine.)
Ask your family doctor to recommend a family therapist. If money is tight, your YWCA may be the
answer. And hats off to you for seeking help.
life

DEAR ABBY: I need your opinion. Two weeks ago, I gave my girlfriend an engagement ring. We have
been going together for nearly two years, and it's understood that we will get married in about a year,
so she wasn't exactly surprised. (I am 24 and she is 21.)
Now, the problem: The ring I gave her is a three-carat zircon -- set in white gold. It looks exactly like a
diamond, but it is not nearly as expensive. I never did tell her it wasn't a diamond, and she has been
showing it off at work and to her relatives. Now I'm too embarrassed to tell her the truth.
I keep thinking that one day, when I can afford it, I will replace it with a real diamond, but now I don't
have the nerve to tell her the truth. What should I do? -- NO GUTS
DEAR NO GUTS: Please get the guts to tell her the truth, and the sooner the better. If she should
decide to insure the ring, she would be told immediately that it is not a diamond. Your engagement
would be less "rocky" if she heard it first from you.
life

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law's behavior is sometimes very puzzling to me. She will bake (or buy)
some sort of pastry or dessert to take with her when invited to a get-together for a special occasion.
(Birthday, anniversary, housewarming, etc.)
When the get-together is over, she always goes to the kitchen and packs up whatever is left over from
her "offering" and takes it home with her. Trying to get her to leave even a portion of it is like pulling
teeth!
I'm embarrassed when she does this in front of my family, or even her own children. My husband and I
feel that whatever she brings to the home of another is a gift, and she has no right to take home even a
part of it. -- CONFUSED IN MARIPOSA, CALIF.
DEAR CONFUSED: The leftovers should be left -- unless, of course, the host or hostess insists that
the donor take them home. And by the way, when one takes a "goody" to the home of another, it would
be very thoughtful to bring it on a paper plate, a box, or some other type of disposable container that
need not be returned.
life

MOM STRUGGLES WITH SENTENCE OF
SILENCE WHILE DAD'S IN JAIL
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Dear Abby | July 2nd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: Do you believe that a child who is 6 1/2 years old should be told the truth, regardless of
what it is?
Here is the situation: Dad is in jail for one year. Please understand, my husband didn't steal anything,
nor did he commit a violent crime. However, he was found guilty of driving drunk -- it was his third
offense. If you think our son should be told the truth, how do you feel about my taking him to visit his
father in jail? Or do you think it would be better to tell him that Daddy is away "on business" and he
may be gone for quite a long time?
I can't describe the humiliation our family has endured. It was reported in the newspaper, but this is a
large city and not everyone is aware of it. -- WITHHOLD MY NAME, PLEASE
DEAR WITHHOLD: I think you should tell your son the truth, and tell him now, before someone else
does. I also believe that you should take the boy to visit his father -- for his sake as well as for his
father's.
These are troubled times for your family. But it is not the end of the world. And this too shall pass.
life
Dear Abby for July 02, 1991

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this letter without my wife's knowledge. She wears makeup all day, and
she never takes it off before going to bed. Instead, she washes her face in the morning, then applies her
makeup for that day.
She has a very nice complexion, but I wonder if she is doing damage to her skin by sleeping in her
makeup every night. -- HER HUSBAND
DEAR HUSBAND: I consulted Dr. Arnold Klein, top-notch Beverly Hills dermatologist, who said
(much to my surprise), "Sleeping in makeup does no more damage to the skin than wearing makeup all
day. Many women feel that in the interest of 'cleanliness' they need to scrub their faces daily with the
same vigor they would use in scrubbing their kitchen floor. And please, tell your readers that exposure
to the sun without a sunscreen, plus the ordinary pollutants in the air, do far more damage to a woman's
skin than cosmetics."
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DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from the director of the Elder Health Program at the University of
Maryland. She advised people to take responsibility for their own health care.
I work in a doctor's office, and you would be amazed at the number of people who call in for refills on
their medicines and don't even know the names of them. They ask for "blood pressure pills," or "the
little yellow ones." Granted, we have their medications recorded on their charts, but that won't help
them if they're in an accident and unable to speak.
Everyone who takes medication, elderly and young alike, should write down the names and dosages on
a piece of paper and keep it in their wallets. And every time the doctor changes the dosage or adds a
new medication, the patient should make note of it on the paper he or she carries. Also write down any
allergies on the same paper.
Help us health givers keep you healthy. -- JUDY G., ORMAND BEACH, FLA.
life

life
Relative's Hug Is Too Close for Young Woman's Comfort

Dear Abby | July 1st, 1991 | Letter 1 of 5
DEAR ABBY: I have a male relative who puts his arms around me, holds me close, and hugs me every
time he sees me.
I have hinted that I don't like it, but to no avail. When I casually mentioned this to his wife, she smiled
and said, "People who experience physical contact tend to have fewer emotional problems."
Abby, this may be true, but as far as I'm concerned, every time he does this to me, I feel manhandled,
and I dislike it intensely.
If I were to take harsh measures, my other relatives would say I'm being foolish -- he is just being
friendly.
Please tell me how to handle this situation. I am not a child. -- YOUNG FEMALE ADULT
DEAR YOUNG FEMALE ADULT: Quit hinting, and when this male relative approaches you, give
him the straight-arm and this short speech: "From now on, no more hugging, please. I don't mean to be
unfriendly, but I really am not into hugging."
And if his wife again interjects her opinion with regard to physical contact and emotional problems,
you smile and tell her that you don't need that much physical contact -- and you'll take your chances
with "emotional problems," should any occur.
life

DEAR ABBY: I don't lie, steal, swear, gamble or cheat on my husband. I don't do drugs, cheat on my
taxes, abuse my children or run stop signs. I don't chew my fingernails, drink to excess, overeat, gossip
or spit on the sidewalk. But I am addicted to cigarettes, and consequently, I am subjected to verbal and
emotional abuse by non-smokers.
I know what it is like to be treated like a second-class citizen. I am told where I may and may not sit. I
have been told that I stink, I'm weak, and I ought to be ashamed of myself.
So what do I do? I go out in the alley and light a cigarette to comfort myself and calm my nerves. Am I
such a bad person? -- GUILTY IN ANTIGO, WIS.
DEAR GUILTY: No, you are not a "bad" person. You are just one of millions of smokers who are
addicted to cigarettes and are not yet ready to do whatever it takes to free yourself of this addiction.
When you're ready, call the National Cancer Institute's Cancer Information Service. Its toll-free number
is (800) 4-CANCER.
life

DEAR ABBY: I recently had a friend visiting me. She brought her children along. I noticed that her
children were playing at my desk where I keep my jewelry in a drawer.
After they left, I discovered that one of my rings was missing. Should I tell my friend? -- ANXIOUS
DEAR ANXIOUS: Yes. But before telling her, search everywhere you think the ring might be, to make
certain that it is nowhere to be found -- not just misplaced.
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO ANNA MARGARET J. (FORMERLY OF YUMA, ARIZ. -- NOW READING

ME IN THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE): Of course I remember you! Please write again and
enclose your address.
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life
Child's Disfigurement Leaves Friends Without Right Words

DEAR ABBY: My friend and I read your column and discuss the letters and your replies. We usually
agree with your answers. Now we have a question for you:
Let's say that "Mary" was shopping and ran into a young woman she had known in college -- we'll call
her Beatrice. Beatrice had her 2-year-old son in a stroller, and when Mary looked at the little boy, she
wasn't prepared for the shock she got. The child's face was terribly deformed and disfigured!
What should Mary have said -- if anything?
My friend said, "I would have ignored the abnormality and said something like, 'My, what a sweet
child. How old is he?'"
I said, "I would have been more honest and said something like, 'I'm sorry about your baby, but I hear
they are able to do amazing reconstructive surgery now.'"
Abby, what do you think a parent of a facially disfigured child would want to hear? My friend and I are
hoping you will respond in your column. It would be helpful to many readers. -- NO NAME OR CITY,
PLEASE
DEAR NO NAME: Just when I think I've seen everything, along comes a letter such as this one.
Only a person who has walked that path is qualified to answer that question. I hope someone who has
will write and let me know. The answer would be helpful to many readers -- as well as to this
columnist.
life

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who insists he is not addicted to tobacco because he doesn't smoke
cigarettes -- he smokes a pipe! He says, "I don't inhale, so a pipe can't hurt me."
Meanwhile, his wife inhales his secondhand smoke all day, and it must hurt because she has a
respiratory problem and a chronic cough. This man claims he doesn't have a habit, yet he is never seen
without some kind of pipe -- which he constantly is lighting, packing with tobacco, tapping into an
ashtray or fiddling with in some manner.
He has a very impressive collection of pipes as well as a variety of fancy blends of tobacco, so it's
apparent that he is not just a casual smoker. He brags that he could quit his pipe tomorrow and never
miss it because he really doesn't have a habit.
Abby, I wonder whom is he kidding? -- AN OBSERVER
DEAR OBSERVER: Himself.

life

DEAR ABBY: The heartwarming letters you have published about people doing kind deeds
impulsively for strangers prompts my first Dear Abby letter.
Every Saturday night, no matter what my husband and I did, we would always wind up at Baskin-
Robbins for ice- cream cones. The same young girl always waited on Bob while I sat in the car -- a '66
T-Bird.
One night, with no warning whatsoever, my husband died of a heart attack. Although we had been
married for 45 years, I was devastated.
About two months after my husband's death, I stopped by Baskin-Robbins for an ice-cream cone. The
young girl remembered me because of the car, and said, "I've missed you. Where is your nice
husband?"
I told her that he had died suddenly. "Oh, I'm very sorry," she said. "Please, wait a minute." Then she
hurriedly packed a quart of our favorite flavor and handed it to me.
"No charge," she said softly. "Your husband was such a fine gentleman."
I was so touched, I cried. -- VIRGINIA DARE LUDWIG, TUSTIN, CALIF.

life

Parents' Answer to Son's Silence May Be New
Will
life

Dear Abby | July 5th, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: Our son has not spoken to us in four years. He is our only child, and we live in the same
city. We had a misunderstanding over a petty incident, and he has ignored us ever since. He is married
and has a teen-aged son.
We are not rich, but we do have some assets that have appreciated over the years. Our son and his
family are our only heirs. We are considering rewriting our wills and leaving our son out of it. As for
our grandson, we hardly know him because we haven't seen him in four years.
We would appreciate any advice you can give us. We trust your judgment. -- WITHHOLD OUR
NAME, PLEASE
DEAR WITHHOLD: Either write to your son or call him and tell him you want to talk to him about
your will -- that will probably bring him to your door in a hurry. If and when he shows up, try to settle
your differences peacefully, so you can be a family again.
I hope he agrees to bury the hatchet, but if for some reason he is not willing, you would be justified in
writing him off.
Please don't punish your grandson. He's the innocent victim of his father's anger. Give him a chance to
establish some kind of rapport with you, and if he is a decent, caring young man, remember him
generously in your will.
Otherwise, talk with your attorney about leaving everything to your favorite charities. And don't forget
your local animal shelter. Animals want nothing from you but love.
life

DEAR ABBY: My husband is attracted to a pretty waitress at our favorite restaurant. We eat there at
least once a week. She flirts openly with him and he loves it.
I have tried not to let it bother me, but she is getting very pushy. She compliments him on his hair, his
eyes, his smile, and he eats it up. As soon as we come in, she comes to our booth and says, "I have a
new joke for you," then she tells a dirty joke, and he breaks up laughing.
I suppose it's my husband's fault because he could tell her to get lost, but he doesn't.
I guess what really bothers me is the way he enjoys her company. He cheated on me once and it really
hurt me, and I don't want to go through that again.
How do I deal with this situation? Don't tell me that we should stop going to that restaurant. It's very
convenient, the food is good and the price is right. Please help me. -- WORRIED
DEAR WORRIED: Level with your husband. Tell him you are hurt when he pays so much attention to
the waitress. Obviously she is trying to be entertaining, but she is out of line. If she didn't get so much
encouragement, she'd back off.
life

DEAR ABBY: I enjoy reading your column in the Times-Picayune, but I've never written before.
Your quoting of Ogden Nash is not acceptable. He was a true versifier:
"Sure, deck your lower limbs in pants,
"Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.
"You look divine as you advance,
"Have you seen yourself retreating?

Now, that's poetry! -- THOMAS C. TEWS, NEW ORLEANS
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included.)
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WOMAN FINDS THAT PILLARS OF CHURCH HAVE FEET

OF CLAY

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to the Arizona woman whose family was banned from the church was
right. You told her to complain to someone higher in the church. However, I hope she had better luck
than I had.
I am a member of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. The new pastor of my church did not
know me, but she refused to speak to me; in effect, she ostracized my children and their terminally ill
father from their congregation.
Apparently, my "sin" was providing shelter to another pastor who had two children, no job, no place to
live and very little money. When I complained to the bishop, I was told that since I had given the
appearance of having "traduced" (defamed or slandered) my marriage vows, my family could be
treated whichever way the pastor wanted.
The head of the church refused to comment on the matter, saying this was a local issue, and he chose
not to get involved. The local synod council did not respond at all.
Abby, please tell your readers that all clergy are human beings. By definition, 50 percent are below
average, and sometimes you hit the bottom 10 percent. If the clergy do not practice what they preach,
run -- do not walk -- to the nearest exit, and let them know why you are running away. -- NEW
JERSEY
DEAR NEW JERSEY: What an eye-opener my mail has been this week! Most of us were raised to
believe that all members of the clergy are somehow closer to God, and therefore superior beings. But,
alas, they too are only human.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who has enjoyed your column in the Tampa Tribune for many years. I
am in my mid-30s, stand 5 feet 11 inches, weigh 155 and appear to be as strong as an ox, so because of
my size, I am asked to do some jobs you wouldn't ask a professional mover to do without a helper.
I clean houses for a living, and my clients ask, "Would you please move that hutch (fully loaded), or
the refrigerator, or the king-size bed, or a huge dresser, and clean behind it today?" This has gone on
for 10 years, and until just recently, I never had the right answer to give to these clods until one day it
hit me!
Now when I am asked to move the piano or the refrigerator, I ask sweetly, "Do you have enough
insurance to cover any injury I may get from moving this?" They get the picture real fast.
When I worked in an office in my early 20s, I was asked to move desks, filing cabinets and haul in
boxes that had been delivered. No more! Sign me ... AIN'T NO OX
DEAR AIN'T: Thanks for a great letter as well as a valuable suggestion for big women who, because of
their size, are asked to do more than their job descriptions call for.
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO YOU: Make this holiday a happy one. If you're drinking, don't drive. And if
you're driving, don't drink.
P.S. Happy birthday, Sissie!

life

life
Family Reunion Revelry Robs Motel Guests of Restful Sleep

Dear Abby | July 3rd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: Now that vacation season has begun, will you please answer a question many people
must have wondered about?
Every room in a hotel or motel has the management's "rights" posted. But what about the rights of the
people renting that room?
Recently, my husband and I stopped in a small motel in Dade City, Fla. After we checked in, we
learned that 10 of the 20 rooms were occupied by members of a family having a reunion! They pulled
their cars into a circle in the parking lot, turned up their radios, got out their coolers and had a party.
The noise and the laughter could have awakened the dead. And it went on until 2 a.m. Several of the
other guests complained, but the owner sort of shrugged and indicated, "Too bad."
One man with a New York tag said he will never come to Florida again, which seemed a bit extreme --
but we were all furious. Abby, are there "rights" for travelers in a motel unaffiliated with a chain? --
UNHAPPY TRAVELER
DEAR UNHAPPY: Whether a motel is affiliated with a chain or not, it owes its occupants an
atmosphere suitable for sleeping. Occasionally, even the best motels will have a noisy occupant, but the
management usually makes an honest effort to quiet the disturbance. Sorry you picked a lemon.
Next time, before you register, ask whether there are any "conventions" booked during your stay. (I
once stayed at a hotel on prom night -- and the revelry rivaled New Year's Eve's.)
life

DEAR ABBY: I am writing on behalf of my granddaughter who has a set of triplets, now 7 months old.
Abby, please ask your readers to kindly refrain from stopping the parents of multiple-birth children to
ask a lot of personal questions such as, "Did you take fertility drugs?"
Whenever my granddaughter takes her triplets out -- even for a breath of fresh air or grocery shopping
-- she is stopped by people who want to take a look at the triplets and ask a lot of questions. It's so
difficult for her to get her shopping done, or even take a leisurely walk.
Since you are a twin, you can probably feel for my granddaughter. -- CALIFORNIA GRANNY
DEAR GRANNY: Twins or triplets are sure to attract attention, so the person accompanying them had
better be prepared to answer a lot of questions. (A double or triple buggy alone is an attention-getter.)
Should a stranger ask a question that you feel is too personal to answer, let your response be, ""Forgive
me if I choose not to answer so personal a question."
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DEAR ABBY: "Wrong Guy in Cleveland," who gets numerous messages on his answering machine
from people who have dialed his number by mistake, should record a new message. A suggestion: "You
have reached Pennsylvania 65000. Please leave your name and telephone number, and your call will be
returned as soon as possible. Wait for the beep." -- RIGHT GUY IN ELIZABETH, N.J.
life

DOCTOR'S HASTY DIAGNOSIS IS
PRESCRIPTION FOR TROUBLE
life

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily and faithfully married to my husband for 14 years. The problem is
with our family doctor. Recently, my husband thought he had a bladder infection, so he went to our
doctor, who ran one urine test that turned out negative. Then the doctor informed my husband that he
had a sexually transmitted disease!
My husband asked if it was possible to have had this "sexually transmitted disease" for 14 years -- or
was there some other way of getting it? Also, wouldn't it be wise to run another test just to make sure?
The doctor insisted that his diagnosis was correct, then with a smirk he added, "I'm not suggesting that
you run home and beat your wife, but you obviously got it from her."
Abby, no wife could be more faithful than I. I never even looked at another man in more than 14 years.
My husband says he believes me, yet he's been having bad dreams ever since. I know I'd be accused of
"protesting too much" if I confronted the doctor. This is a small town, and it could make matters even
worse. Besides, I hear that this doctor thinks all non-churchgoers (like my husband and myself) are
pretty much "scum" anyway. What can I do? I'm not taking this lightly. -- BRISTLING IN ARIZONA
DEAR BRISTLING: First, change doctors -- even if it means getting your checkups in a nearby town.
According to Dr. Willard Cates Jr., director of the Sexually Transmitted Disease Division of the
Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta: "No diagnostic test is 100 percent accurate. Your husband
should be retested to confirm the original test result." (Some sexually transmitted diseases can lie
dormant for long periods of time; also you failed to mention which one your husband allegedly has.)
The doctor who accused you unjustly is guilty of unprofessional behavior. He was also in error in
refusing to perform more definitive tests. Report him to your county medical society.
life

DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to the letter from "Illinois Victim," the girl who -- while being
beaten by her boyfriend at a trailer park -- yelled loudly for help from her neighbors, to no avail.
A young man also living in a trailer park in Illinois heard a muffled cry for help. He went outside and
saw a man on top of a woman with his hands around her neck. He yelled, and the assailant tried to
escape on a bicycle. But the young man chased him for almost a mile over gravel terrain in his bare
feet. The man who was caught was wanted by the police for previous rapes.
When the police asked the young man who caught the alleged rapist what his motivation was, he
replied (with bruised and bloodied feet), "What if that girl had been my sister? I would hope someone
else would do the same thing!"
So, have faith, Abby. Good people are still out there. He even returned to Illinois after moving to
California to appear in court for the prosecution, and was awarded four plaques for heroism. His name
is Tyler Smith. -- HIS PROUD SISTER, JENNIFER, IN ALBANY, N.Y.
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life
Some of the Nicest People Flunk Firm-Handshake Test

DEAR ABBY: Your letter concerning handshakes and what they signified interested me.
I am currently retired, after spending 37 years with a well-known public relations firm for whom I
traveled around the country to set up press conferences for major events. In doing so, I worked with
Gen. Eisenhower when he was campaigning in Denver for his second term as president. I worked with
Walter Cronkite while he was at the NASA space center in Houston, and Nikita Krushchev when he
was in Des Moines touring farms in the Midwest. I also helped set up the press center in Dallas the day
President Kennedy was killed there.
There were other celebrities I met personally, and whose hands I shook. One was Richard Nixon when
he was campaigning in Houston. When I shook his hand, I was surprised to find it was very small,
sweaty and limp!
In the mid-'60s, I helped set up the press center for Billy Graham's Crusade in the Houston Astrodome.
I met Billy Graham, a large, impressive fellow whose handshake was amazingly almost identical to
Nixon's -- weak and very limp.
I had always believed that a person's handshake revealed his character. I later learned it wasn't true.
Now I never judge a person entirely by his handshake. -- EARL ROTH, SARGENT, TEXAS
DEAR MR. ROTH: Thank you for an enlightening letter. I cannot leave the subject of handshakes
without adding this personal comment: It is generally accepted that a firm and resolute handshake
conveys an "I'm sincerely glad to meet you" message. But one should never use it when greeting a
woman who's wearing a ring on her hand.
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DEAR ABBY: I have two brothers who are married. (So am I.) One brother lives in Minnesota and the
other one lives in Louisiana. The Minnesota brother always sends birthday and anniversary cards, and
promptly, too. The brother who lives down South never sends birthday or an�niversary greetings. (He
doesn't even acknowledge the cards I send him.)
I made up my mind that unless I hear from my thoughtless brother down South, I am going to quit
remembering him on special occasions.
I talked to my parents about this, and they said, "Do as you please, but don't involve us." I don't see
why I should be so prompt and thoughtful to people who ignore me, do you? -- MIDWEST SISTER
DEAR SISTER: In every family, there are some who are more thoughtful than others. You may feel
that by ignoring those who always forget you, you are "getting even," but you are actually widening the
gap, until eventually there will be no communication at all.
Remember them anyway. Families need each other. Don't wait for a funeral to communicate.
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DEAR ABBY: After reading your column, "Only in America," in which you poked fun at Americans
who buy everything they wear and use from some foreign country, I had to write to share the
following:
A number of years ago, I saw a display of merchandise bearing labels reading "MADE IN USA."
It seems that on Shikoku -- the smallest of Japan's four islands -- there is a city named "Usa." All the
products made there are marked "MADE IN USA."
Would you say that the purpose of those labels was to intentionally mislead the buyer? I think so.--
C.C. IN FLORIDA
DEAR C.C.: Si, Si, so do I.

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life
Woman Who Loses Her Heart Keeps Losing Her Savings, Too

DEAR ABBY: Because of your vast readership, I am writing to you in the hope that by printing my
letter, perhaps other women (and probably some men) will learn from my mistakes.
Three years ago, I had a torrid affair with a man right after my divorce. This guy was so charming that
before I got wise to him and broke off the relationship, I had lent him a considerable sum of money. I
had no promissory note, so all was lost.
A year later, I met someone I thought was perfect for me. He was absolutely beguiling, attentive as
could be, and he made me feel terrific. He was very well thought of, and an outstanding man in the
community.
A few months ago, he was short of money, so I lent him my entire savings with the understanding that I
would be repaid in full within the next few weeks. I was "in love," trusted him, and didn't want to
"insult" him by asking him to sign a note. Well, so far, I've heard every excuse in the book as to why he
can't pay me back, and I'm afraid this will have to be settled in court. Also, I am dealing with the
humiliating realization that this guy never really gave a hoot about me.
I made two major mistakes: lending the money in the first place, and not getting it in writing.
Abby, please find room for this in your column as a warning to other women who let their hearts rule
their heads. -- RIPPED OFF IN COLORADO
DEAR RIPPED OFF: Nobody can tell it like the person who has been there. Too bad you will never
know how many women will benefit from reading this letter.
life

DEAR ABBY: After putting on a wedding for our daughter, I feel the public could use some do's and
don'ts on wedding etiquette.
1. Always respond to an invitation when an R.S.V.P. stamped, addressed card and envelope are
provided. The hostess needs a "Yes, I am coming," or, "Sorry, I cannot attend." Many respond only to
say they are planning to attend.
2. If you do accept the invitation, please come to the reception -- as your host and hostess must pay for
your reservation. (We had to foot the bill for eight dinners at $25 per person for people who accepted
but did not show up.) A cancellation up to five days before the big event is usually enough to avoid this
problem.
3. Please do not include on your response card any more family members (or friends) than have been
invited. Reservations are limited, and it is rude to add extra uninvited guests. If it is crucial for an
added guest to come, please ask the hostess for permission to do so.
4. After accepting a wedding reception invitation, it is in good taste to send a gift.
Thank you, Abby, for helping me air my frustrations. -- MOTHER OF THE BRIDE IN YORK, PA.
life

TEENS OUT LOOKING FOR JOBS MAY
NEED A NEW ATTITUDE
life

DEAR ABBY: It's summer vacation time, and many high school graduates probably are still out
looking for jobs. Two or three years ago, you published some good advice for young people on how to
dress, how to act and what to say when applying for a job. I cut it out to save, and now I can't find it. I
have a grandson I want to send it to. Please print it again. It could help me -- and a lot of young people.
Thank you. -- DULUTH GRANDPARENT
DEAR GRANDPARENT: The advice to which you refer first appeared in William Raspberry's
column. He quoted Karen Rak, a high school English teacher in Strongsville, Ohio, who composed a
letter from an employer to let youthful job seekers see themselves as they are seen. I am pleased to
print it again. It deserves as much exposure as it can get: "DEAR KID: Today you came to me for a
job. From the look of your shoulders as you walked out, I suspect you've been turned down before, and
maybe you believe by now that kids your age can't find jobs.
"But I hired a teen-ager today. You saw him. What was so special about him? Not experience; neither
of you had any. Attitude, son. A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E. He did his best to impress me. That is where he edged
you out.
"He wasn't dressed like Easter Sunday, but then that wasn't necessary. His clothes were clean, and he
had gotten a haircut. He filled out the application form neatly and completely. He did not ask to borrow
a pen. He carried his Social Security card, had basic identification and did not ask, 'What's a reference?'
"He didn't start to chew gum or smoke while being interviewed. He didn't keep looking at his watch,
giving me the impression that he had something more important to do.
"He took the time to find out how we 'operate' here and what his day-to-day tasks would be. I think
he'll keep his eyes open and work for me like he'd work for himself.
"He was willing to start at that point where I could afford to pay. Someday, perhaps, he'll get to the
point where he'll have more authority over others and a better paycheck.
"You know, kid, men have always had to get a job like you get a girl: case the situation, wear a clean
shirt and try to appear reasonably willing.
"Maybe jobs aren't as plentiful right now, but there are jobs. You may not believe it, but all around you
employers are looking for young men and women smart enough to go after a job in the old-fashioned
way.
"If you have even the vaguest idea of what I'm trying to say, let it show the next time you ask for a job.
You will be head and shoulders above the rest.
"For both our sakes, get eager, will you? -- THE BOSS"
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DEAR ABBY: I'm getting married this fall, and I am faced with a difficult question. I am having a
large formal wedding, but I do not know who should walk me down the aisle. My father died when I
was very young, and I am not really close to any other male family members.
Would it be appropriate for my mother to walk me down the aisle? If not, whom would you
recommend? -- K.K. IN BOULDER, COLO.
DEAR K.K.: Of course your mother may walk you down the aisle. Or you might consider walking
halfway down the aisle alone -- the groom could meet you in the middle, and together you could make
the trek to the altar.
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life
Obituary Full of Details Adds to Family's Grief

DEAR ABBY: How lucky we are to be living in West Virginia. The newspapers here, as a matter of
policy, do not publish the cause of death in their obituaries. I understand that in some states the cause
of death is required. A friend who works at the local mortuary told me that a newspaper editor in
another state refused to print an obituary unless "cause of death" was disclosed.
Abby, why would this information be important to the general public? The friends and relatives of the
deceased know the cause of death without having it in print for all the world to see. -- N.J.G. IN
WHEELING
DEAR N.J.G.: The cause of death is not the business of the public, but some newspaper editors feel
that no obituary is complete unless it is included.
When the cause of death is a suicide, some obituaries disclose the details: "suicide by hanging,"
"suffocation," "overdose," "shotgun to the head," "slashed wrists," etc.
Bless those sensitive editors who show compassion and report deaths without disclosing facts that may
be painful to the survivors. The good Lord knows they have already suffered enough.
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DEAR ABBY: We recently learned an important lesson in child safety that should be common
knowledge. During a stay at the beach, my 11-year-old son and his 10-year-old cousin dug a small cave
in the sand where there is a small incline. While my son was inside the small cave, it collapsed on him.
His cousin immediately started digging and called others nearby for help. Someone called 911, and
when we dug my son out of the sand, thank God he was still breathing -- but unconscious. He spent the
night in the hospital and is fine now.
The ambulance crew said it was the third "cave-in" incident this summer -- the other two children did
not survive!
Abby, just as children are taught never to play in the ocean without an adult, they should be taught
never to tunnel or dig straight-sided holes in dirt or sand. Also, children should be taught not to climb
steep sand or sandstone banks. Be aware that sand is very unstable and can cause suffocation within
minutes!
We feel extremely lucky and thankful that we can put this lesson to use to warn others. -- WISER IN
OREGON
DEAR WISER: Because you took the time and made the effort to warn others about this possible death
trap, you may prevent a potential tragedy. Bless you for writing.
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DEAR ABBY: This is for the bride who was aggravated because the hotel did not hold the bridal suite
that had been reserved, so the newlyweds spent their wedding night in a tiny room with a fold-out bed
that broke down, and they both ended up on the floor!
I assure you, in the years to come she will have more fun telling about her crazy wedding night than
anything she could have described had she occupied the bridal suite. -- FREDERICK F. COHN IN
CHICAGO
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included.)
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MAN'S BEST FRIEND GETS WORST RIDE OF HIS LIFE

DEAR ABBY: "Liz in California" expressed her concern that pets in motor vehicles should be secured
(buckled up) similar to small children. Well, here's another one for your "Now I've Heard Everything"
file:
As I was driving along a Twin Cities freeway, I passed a man on a motorcycle doing no less than 60
miles an hour. Abby, he had a full-grown black Labrador dog perched behind him on the passenger seat
of the motorcycle! The poor animal looked paralyzed with fear.
When I called the Minnesota Highway Patrol to report the cycle license number, I was told they could
do nothing because the guy wasn't breaking any laws.
Abby, how about cruelty to animals? That terrified dog could jump or fall from the motorcycle and
shatter all four legs on the concrete! Or, startled motorists could swerve out of control or be rear-ended
slamming on their brakes, with a dog that size rolling down the pavement.
To me, it's just another indication that there is no shortage of idiots on the road in Minnesota. --
SANDY IN MAPLE GROVE
DEAR SANDY: Why pick on Minnesota? There's no shortage of idiots on the road in any other state
that has no law to protect man's best friend from this kind of brutality.
As a concerned citizen and animal lover, why don't you write a letter to the editor of your newspaper
and cite this blatant cruelty? It might spur a state legislator to action.
life

DEAR ABBY: I fully agree with your response to the woman of good character in Anchorage, Alaska,
who had bought a secondhand car and found $42 in the glove compartment. Her husband said that
inasmuch as they had purchased the car "as is," she should keep the $42. You told her to return it.
Your advice was similar to the story told by Rabbi Simeon, whose students bought a donkey from a
merchant to assist their teacher in his livelihood of selling flax. His students found a costly pearl
attached to the neck of the donkey, and they said, "Rabbi, you will not have to labor any more -- we
found this precious gem on the donkey!"
Rabbi Simeon responded, "Does the seller know of this pearl?" They answered, "No."
The sage then said, "I bought a donkey, not a pearl." The jewel was returned.
As a rabbi concerned that people don't simply tell themselves, "Business is business," I am pleased you
chose to print that woman's letter.
The great writer Macaulay wrote: "The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he
knew he would never be found out." -- RABBI GEOFFREY BOTNICK, WILMETTE, ILL.
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DEAR ABBY: I got a chuckle out of some of the messages left on telephone answering machines by
people who had obviously misdialed. Add this one:
A female voice left this message on my machine: "Honey, I just came back from the doctor's office,
and he says I'm pregnant."
Abby, I am a single man, living alone. I'm also ... 68 YEARS OLD
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Couple's Wedding Invitation Is Journey Into
Bad Taste
life

DEAR ABBY: You recently published a letter from a reader complaining about tacky wedding
invitations. Let me add my 2 cents' worth with a story that will top that one.
As you can see from the enclosed memo (which was stuffed into the same envelope as the wedding
invitation AND the bridal shower invitation), this couple, "Carole and Rick," had the gall to allow their
travel agent to solicit contributions for their Hawaiian honeymoon.
This couple is known around town to be tightfisted with a buck, but this kind of solution is a new
"low." Obviously, either the travel agent or the sponsor of the bridal shower felt awkward sending the
memo out, as someone typed in, "Requested by: Rick."
By the way, Abby, I was going to cross out the names in the original memo, but I didn't want you to
think this was a hoax, so if you publish this, please change the names. -- AMAZED IN DELAWARE
DEAR AMAZED, AND DEAR READERS: Well, now I've seen everything. Read on:
"TO: The Family and Friends of Carole and Rick
"FROM: Chutzpah Travel Agency
"RE: Hawaiian Honeymoon
"We are pleased to advise you that we will be handling the travel arrangements for Carole and Rick's
honeymoon. Our agency has set aside a separate account for payment, so Carole and Rick's friends and
relatives may share in giving this terrific couple a memorable honeymoon. We would appreciate it if
your gift would be a check made out to Chutzpah Travel Agency, for Carole and Rick. Please add your
telephone number, so that we can call to thank you, upon receipt of your check. -- MAX SMITH,
TRAVEL AGENT"
P.S. And "aloha" to etiquette.

life

DEAR ABBY: I came across this very unusual obituary in The Seattle Times. I did not know the
person, but I thought it might be something you would want to share with your readers:
"Rowena L. (Brown) Edelbrock passed away on June 12, 1991. She left us with these thoughts:
"'When I quit this mortal shore
"'And mosey 'round this earth no more
"'Don't weep, don't sigh, don't grieve, don't sob;
"'I may have struck a better job.
"'Don't go and buy a large bouquet
"'For which you'll find it hard to pay.
"'Don't stand around me looking blue;
"'I may be better off than you!"'
Abby, I think this poem is a winner, don't you? -- LORNA SCHOFIELD, MOUNTLAKE TERRACE,
WASH.
DEAR LORNA: It is, indeed, a winner. It is inevitable that one day we shall all "quit this mortal
shore," and to do so as lightheartedly as Rowena did makes the journey less grim.
life

DEAR ABBY: In regard to your recent letter from the bride who found that their honeymoon suite
contained no bed, I heard of another bride who had the same experience. When asked what her reaction
was, she replied, "I was floored!" -- JACK RUNNINGER, ROME, GA.
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included.)
life
The Display of Old Glory Deserves Proper Respect

DEAR ABBY: It is time to remind your readers that if they wish to display the American flag, it must
be done with respect.
The war is over, but many of the hastily displayed flags (by, I'll call them, born-again patriots) are still
outside 24 hours a day, all tangled up, wrapped around roof gutters and downspouts, being torn to
shreds in the wind and rain. You don't have to be a former Boy Scout or be knowledgeable of the flag
code passed by Congress in 1942 to understand respect.
The American flag is to be displayed out of doors from sunrise to sunset "in good weather." The flag is
displayed at night for special occasions, and preferably spotlighted for honor and respect. To me, it
seems disrespectful to see flags that were hastily mounted in all manner of ways -- even stapled to old
mop handles -- still out there and forgotten.
Improvised display of Old Glory might be dramatic and acceptable on the emotion-filled battlefield,
but not on permanent homes and businesses. Abby, can you check out the protocol for displaying the
American flag? -- NOT A FLAG- WAVER, BUT I LOVE OLD GLORY
DEAR NOT: The 27th edition of the American Legion Officer's Guide (Revised, July 1989), states: "It
is the universal custom to display the flag only from sunrise to sunset on buildings and stationary
flagstaffs in the open. However, when a patriotic effect is desired, the flag may be displayed 24 hours a
day if properly illuminated during the hours of darkness.
"The flag should not be displayed on days when the weather is inclement, except when an all-weather
flag is displayed.
"The flag should never touch anything beneath it, such as the ground, the floor, water or merchandise.
"The flag should never be fastened, displayed, used or stored in such a manner as to permit it to be
easily soiled, torn or damaged in any way.
"The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be
destroyed in a dignified way -- preferably by burning."
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DEAR ABBY: I went to the doctor the other day, and after he examined me, he said I needed a
hysterectomy. Abby, I am an unmarried 28-year-old woman, and this is a major decision.
I went home and told my family. My mother didn't express an opinion one way or the other. My father
told me to do what I thought was best. My aunt said I shouldn't have it done because I will gain a lot of
weight afterward. I talked to two of my best friends, and they both said I shouldn't do it.
Now I don't know what to do. I want to do what's best for me, but I also want to keep my family and
friends happy. What should I do? -- MAJOR PROBLEM
DEAR PROBLEM: Keeping your family and friends happy should be your last consideration in
making this decision.
Stop asking friends and family for their opinions -- they mean well, but they are not qualified to advise
you. See another gynecologist for a second opinion, and if the second opinion isn't the same as the first,
get a third opinion.
If you're not acquainted with the gynecologists in your area, call your county medical association. I
wish you well.
life

life
Description of Nasal Spray Stinks to Confused Reader

DEAR ABBY: You recently said that older people should not be ashamed to ask their doctors questions
about medications prescribed for them. They should know how much to take, how often to use it, what
the side effects are, etc.
I wonder why the instructions that come with some medications are written in language that nobody
can understand. For example, my doctor prescribed a nasal spray. The only thing I could understand
was, "Shake well before using." Here is a sample of what else came with my medication and
instructions:
"Beclomethasone 17, 21-dipropionate is a diester of beclomethasone, a synthetic halogenated

corticosteroid. Animal studies show that beclomethasone dipropionate has potent glucocorticoid and
weak mineralocorticoid activity.
"The effects of beclomethasone dipropionate on hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) function have

been evaluated in adult volunteers by other routes of administration. Studies with beclomethasone
dipropionate by the intranasal route may demonstrate that there is more or that there is less absorption
by this route of administration. There was no suppression of early morning plasma cortisol
concentrations when beclomethasone dipropionate was administered in a dose of 1,000 mcg/day for
one month as an oral aerosol or for three days by intramuscular injection."
Abby, there is much more that I cannot understand, but this should give you a general idea of what I
mean. -- JOHN W. EGGERS, SAN DIEGO
DEAR MR. EGGERS: I know exactly what you mean. Such gobbledygook is intended to confuse a
person not schooled in Latin.
Don't be embarrassed. Ask your doctor for instructions that you can understand. And if there are any
questions in your mind -- ask for clarification.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old woman who happens to have a very fair complexion. I do not tan
very easily. My dermatologist just removed three precancerous growths from my arms and advised me
to wear sunscreen when I plan to go out in the sun.
I get very irritated with people who tell me I would look a lot better if I got a little tan. Can you suggest
a snappy comeback for these clods? -- SUN-SHY IN GEORGIA
DEAR SUN-SHY: Snappy comeback? You need no snappier comeback than the truth. Try this: "My
dermatologist just removed three precancerous growths from my arms."
Then notice how quiet it gets ... followed by a, "Gee, I'm sorry. I didn't know" ... or words to that
effect.
life

DEAR ABBY: Knowing that you are an animal lover, I am writing with the hope that this will reach
many zoo visitors.
Recently, a monkey in our zoo died because she was fed something poisonous by a visitor. There are
signs on all of our animal cages requesting "DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS," but some visitors pay
no attention to them.
Abby, it is heartbreaking when, in spite of all our training and care, we cannot prevent a death because
some well-meaning visitor ignores our "No Feeding" signs. Please print this as a reminder. -- SAD IN
HAWAII
life

Dear Abby's Cookbooklet is a collection of favorite recipes -- all tested, tried and terrific! To order,
send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear
Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
Man Lets Lust in Heart Get Almost Out of
Hand
life

DEAR ABBY: I have a wonderful husband. "George" and I have been married for 16 years. Last
summer George was going through a mid-life crisis and began shutting me out and spending most of
his time at work.
A young woman -- 10 years his junior, married and temporarily separated from her husband -- began
buying George lunch, complaining that she was unhappy at home, her husband was a poor lover, etc.
She started praising my husband and feeding his ego.
Then one day she told him that her car was in the shop and she needed a ride home, so he drove her
home and she invited him in "to talk." She asked George to kiss her. He did, and before he knew it,
they were in bed. In the middle of the act, George said he realized that he was in the wrong place with
the wrong woman, so he got out of bed, took a shower and came home to me. (This was his version.)
He confessed, begged for my forgiveness and we prayed together. He said it was the worst sexual
experience he ever had -- he didn't even complete the act.
George went to confession and told the priest everything. The priest said that technically George did
not commit adultery because he did not complete the physical act. Is this true? I want to believe him. --
GEORGE'S WIFE
DEAR WIFE: Adultery, in traditional Catholic theology, does not depend on the completion of the
physical act. (" ... anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in
his heart." Matthew 5:28.)
George's "mid-life crisis" is a cry for help, and his lapse of faithfulness is a symptom of an ailing
marriage. But since he has been a faithful husband for 16 years, you should be less concerned about the
biblical definition of adultery, and more concerned about the state of your marriage. You could both
benefit from counseling.
Forgive him, unconditionally, and he will remain in the right place with the right woman, and your next
16 years should be even more wonderful than your first.
life

DEAR ABBY: After reading a couple of articles in your column about funny wedding nights and
foldout couches, I'd like to tell you about our honeymoon -- more than 45 years ago. After World War
II we were married in Connecticut and drove to California with our best man. Three on a honeymoon!
We decided on this because my husband, Dick, and his best friend, Walter (their real names), were both
still stationed at Hamilton Air Force Base in San Rafael, Calif.
We never had any reservations and rooms were hard to get, so we all slept in the same room every
night, and they dragged in a cot for our best man. We got a lot of funny looks, but we knew everything
was on the up and up, so we just laughed.
Poor Walter sat through a lot of lousy double features in an effort to give the newlyweds some time
alone together.
To this day, we still laugh about our off-the-wall honeymoon. -- ANN SNOW, NAPERVILLE, ILL.
life

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman who was upset because her husband's friend didn't know
how to use a fork properly reminded me of the following: Anton Chekhov, the great Russian writer,
once said: "A well-mannered person is not one who knows which fork to use first, but one who doesn't
notice when others use the wrong one." -- A STARS AND STRIPES FAN
life

life
WOMAN WANTS HER YOUTHFUL MISTAKE LOCKED UP

FOR GOOD

DEAR ABBY: I am a 31-year-old married (with children) woman. I have an embarrassing secret.
When I was 20, I was arrested on a felony charge -- transportation of pot into a prison. The charge was
dropped to a misdemeanor, and I was given a one-year probation since I had never been in trouble
before as an adult. I haven't been in any trouble since then.
I have noticed that on job applications certain questions are asked about "any arrests." I don't want to
lie on a job application and risk being caught and later being fired -- or even being sent to jail because
of lying on the application. So, my question is this: Since my arrest was so long ago, is there a way for
me to have it sealed so that I can put that part of my life behind me and not worry about it following
me for the rest of my life?
Please don't print my name or address. -- GOING STRAIGHT
DEAR GOING STRAIGHT: In some states, if the offender was under 21 years of age when the crime
was committed and has subsequently proved to be of good character, the record can be expunged
(destroyed). Consult a lawyer. It may cost a few hundred dollars, but the peace of mind would be well
worth the price.
life

DEAR ABBY: In a recent letter from "Heartbroken in Lakewood, N.J.," the writer was distressed over
the death of her pet from ingesting antifreeze left on the driveway, and cautioned your readers to hose
down their driveways so that their pets are not poisoned.
Abby, unintentional acts of pollution are not only dangerous to residents and their pets, but have
similar impacts on the fish and wildlife who are on the receiving end of our storm (drain) water. Most
liquid substances washed into storm drains get dumped, untreated, into our rivers and lakes -- where
one pint of oil will produce a one-acre oil slick.
The Congress and states are attempting to clean up storm drainage as part of the Clean Water Act.
Disposing of oil, antifreeze, paint or paint thinner, household cleansers and other substances by
dumping them into gutters and storm drains not only damages the environment but is also a crime.
So, Abby, urge your readers to call their local public works department and find out where to dump
used oil and how to properly dispose of other toxic liquids. Remember, for most of us, the water you
wash away could be someone else's water supply! Please don't put anything down a gutter or storm
drain that you wouldn't want to drink or swim in. -- BERT McCOLLAM, DEPARTMENT OF
PUBLIC WORKS, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
DEAR MR. McCOLLAM: Consider it done! Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In reference to Fluffy, the sweet little dog who lapped up the antifreeze her owner left in
the driveway, it isn't clear whether the Sunday mechanic collected most of the antifreeze and spilled a
little, or just drained it on the driveway.
Abby, if the antifreeze killed Fluffy, just imagine what it would do to the environment if it were hosed
off the driveway and into the ecosystem.
Please, tell your readers that ALL antifreeze (as well as oils) should be collected and disposed of
properly. Shops that change oil must, by law, accept used oil. -- J.H.K., HEMPSTEAD, N.Y.
life

life
Police Banner Offers Blanket of Security to Single Driver

DEAR ABBY: Last year, my sister gave me a large plastic PLEASE CALL POLICE banner, which I
kept in the glove compartment of my car. She said it could be a lifesaver if I ever had car trouble on the
road, because I could get help without putting myself in danger by having to leave my car to seek
assistance.
I took my car in for service a couple of weeks ago and had my banner folded in the glove
compartment. When I went to pick up my car, the banner was gone.
When I asked my sister where she got hers, she said she had sent for it after reading a letter in your
column from a woman whose car had broken down on a highway as she was rushing to the side of her
critically ill child. She had placed her PLEASE CALL POLICE banner over her windshield, and it took
only minutes for a state trooper to come to her aid.
I would like to replace that banner. Please tell me where I can get one. I am single and commute 300
miles every weekend. -- CHARLOTTE B., LAS VEGAS, NEV.
DEAR CHARLOTTE: Write to WCIL-BANNERS, P.O. Box 66955, Los Angeles, Calif. 90066. You
will receive one PLEASE CALL POLICE banner as a premium for a $5 contribution to WCIL, and
another banner with each additional $4 contribution. (Many people want two, one for the windshield
and one for the rear window.)
Make your check or money order (U.S. funds only, please) payable to WCIL-BANNERS. Allow eight
weeks for delivery. The Westside Center for Independent Living is a not-for-profit organization that
helps disabled people live independently.
life

DEAR ABBY: Please help! My 17-year-old son, who just graduated from high school, has been invited
to accompany his girlfriend's family on a month-long vacation across the country. As the girl's parents
did not consult me before inviting him, I am now in the position of being the mean mom if I refuse to
let him go.
As a registered nurse in the obstetrical unit that provides services for about 100 unwed teen-age girls a
week, I am very much aware of the dangers of allowing teen-agers to spend large amounts of time
together unsupervised. His parents will be there, but I'm very uncomfortable about the closeness this
kind of vacation will provide. Secondly, we have a 15-year-old daughter, and I can't afford to set this
kind of precedent for a similar situation involving her.
And finally, our son has a summer job to pay for his clothes and books for college this fall, and a
month's absence would significantly decrease his contribution to college financing.
Needless to say, our once-quiet household is being torn apart by this situation. Please rush your reply. -
- CONCERNED MOM
DEAR CONCERNED: Remind your son that he agreed to work this summer to help with his college
expenses, so he can forget about accompanying his girlfriend on her family's vacation trip. And don't
be apologetic when you tell him. His girlfriend's parents should have consulted you before inviting
him. At 17, he is still a minor.
life

included.)
Unhappy Relationship May Be Truth Behind
the Lies
life

DEAR ABBY: Recently I've noticed how much I have been lying to people about little things, when
the lie does not in any way benefit me.
For instance, if I am asked what I've been doing, I will lie, even though the answer is no more
glamorous than the truth. Yesterday, I told someone I had to stop and get gas before going home, even
though I knew I was going straight home.
I once heard someone who had been abused as a child say that she started lying about everything in
order to feel that she was in control of the situation. Abby, I have never been abused, and I don't know
why I lie so much. It's really been bad the last year, but the lie is always out of my mouth before I
realize it.
I'm sure the people I lie to know that I am lying, so why do I feel so powerless to stop? Could this have
anything to do with the fact that I am in an unhappy relationship and want out? -- CHRONIC LIAR
DEAR CHRONIC LIAR: Your last sentence could be a clue. You are not happy with things the way
they are, so even though that which you lie about is of no consequence, at least it's not reality, which
you dislike.
A psychotherapist could help you get to the root of this. If you are not already acquainted with one, ask
your physician for a referral -- or contact your county mental health department.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old college student with plans to graduate in December. I have been
dating the same guy for almost five years. He is out of college now and has a steady job.
My problem is that I want to get married. I would even settle for an engagement ring or some sort of
promise of marriage after I graduate from college. My boyfriend is 27 years old and keeps saying we'll
get married someday (when I bring it up); otherwise, he never mentions it. He says it would be fine if
we just lived together because we need to be "soul mates" first.
I used to believe that living together was a good idea, but I don't think so anymore. I truly love this
man and want to be his wife.
Please help me, Abby. Am I wasting my time? He says he feels like I'm pressuring him. What should I
do? -- RUNNING IN PLACE
DEAR RUNNING: When a man tells you that he feels like you're pressuring him -- trust me, you are
pressuring him. Back off. Then tell him you think it might be a good idea if you two cooled it for a
while, and maybe if you dated other people you could get a better perspective on your relationship. If
he agrees, that's what you should do. If not, say nothing more about marriage until after graduation.
life

DEAR ABBY: I would like to reply to "Real Adoptive Parents" who need an answer to the question,
"Are your children REAL brother and sister?"
As the mother of two adopted Korean children, I am asked that question frequently, and my stock reply
is: "They are now!" -- A "REAL" MOM
life

life
Disgusted Magazine Fan Is Suffering Ad Nauseam

DEAR ABBY: I am totally disgusted with magazines these days. I've been keeping a running tally and
I refuse to renew subscriptions to magazines that are one-half to three-quarters ADS!
I read my magazines from cover to cover, except for the ads. (My radio, newspaper and television give
me all the advertising I can stomach.) Abby, I remember when magazines contained interesting book-
length novels that were serialized month to month -- also some wonderful "special offers." Can't you
urge the publishers of magazines to bring them back? I realize that ads bring in big bucks, but so do
subscription checks! Aren't publishers interested in making their readers happy?
The full-page ads and parts thereof added up to:
May 1991 Ladies' Home Journal, 111 3/4 pages of ads; June 1991 Home, 47 out of 116 (I will renew);
June 1991 McCall's, 74 1/2 out of 142; May 1991 Redbook, 92 out of 170; June 1991 Redbook, 52 out
of 130; May 1991 1001 Home Ideas, 46 1/2 out of 96; June 1991 Victoria, 34 2/3 out of 126 (I will
renew); September 1990 Reader's Digest, 75 out of 237 (I will renew).
Abby, can you add voices to people like me who are calling for a change to these policies? --
BEVERLY GARBER, HARRISONBURG, VA.
DEAR BEVERLY: Now that you've made me "ad" conscious, I counted the number of advertisements
in Lear's -- 30 out of 100 pages were ads. (I will renew.)
life

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who is an intelligent, single woman in her late 20s. She dresses well and
is proud of her slim figure. We frequently have dinner and see a movie together. She loves pepperoni
pizza, so very often we go to a pizza parlor, where she orders two large pizzas, one after the other!
Then she goes to the restroom and -- you know the rest. (She forces herself to throw up.)
I know this can lead to serious health problems. Do I have the right to tell her she should stop doing
this before it ruins her health? -- SORRY FOR HER
DEAR SORRY: Yes. Compare it with the "right" to warn a person who is stalled on the railroad tracks
that a train is coming.
Your friend appears to suffer from "bulimia" -- a compulsion to overeat.
She should see a doctor who will refer her to a professional who specializes in eating disorders and
behavior modification.
life

DEAR ABBY: Please do a kindness to animals and publish this for all your readers to see:
Always make sure that your discarded glass containers are clean or covered with a lid.
All empty tin or aluminum cans should be crushed because a hungry little animal looking for food
could push its head inside the container and be unable to get it out.
What a horrible way to die! -- E.J. IN NAPLES, FLA.

life

life
Veterans Deserve Our Thanks, Wherever They Had to Serve

DEAR ABBY: I served in the U.S. Navy from February '87 until February '91. I served the better part
of that time overseas in the Philippines working as a postal clerk at the Fleet Mail Center, Subic Bay.
I still wear my dog tags all the time, and sometimes people will see them and ask, "Were you over
there?" (meaning Saudi Arabia), and I say, "No, I was in the Philippines most of the time." Then they
say, "Oh," like "No big deal."
I can speak for most of the people I worked with that it was no picnic. Several coup attempts took
place while I was there. (A Marine sergeant was killed about three blocks from my house.)
Abby, I would like people to know that even though we weren't "over there," we did our part during the
Gulf crisis. -- SAILOR TAYLOR
DEAR SAILOR: You make an excellent point. Every man and woman who served in any branch of the
armed forces -- whether or not they were in a shooting war -- did their part.
Time away from one's family is no picnic, whether one is serving in "the Gulf" or Gulfport, Miss.
life

DEAR ABBY: This concerns "Illinois Victim," who was being beaten by a man in her yard, and the
neighbor who didn't even call the police. His comment ("I didn't want to get involved") interested me.
Some time ago, I saw a driver who appeared to be drunk cause a serious accident. I immediately called
the police to tell them I had seen an accident; no one even wanted to take my name or telephone
number. After 10 calls, one hour later, someone grudgingly took my name and phone number, saying,
"Someone will call you."
Nobody called until six months later, when I got a subpoena through the mail demanding that I appear
in court. In large letters was this threat: "IF YOU FAIL TO APPEAR IN COURT A WARRANT WILL
BE ISSUED FOR YOUR ARREST."
Abby, in the school where I teach, if a teacher takes a day off, the teacher must pay the substitute. I got
a substitute for the day of the trial, only to be called that morning at 8:30 a.m. and told that the case had
been postponed! It was too late to cancel the substitute, so I lost that day's pay.
Yesterday, I got a notice for the next court date, which means I will have to hire another substitute.
Now do you wonder why no one wants to "get involved"? I am being treated more like a criminal than
a witness! After six months, I hardly remember what happened, and because I wanted to be a good
citizen, I am now being penalized. Please comment. -- SUN CITY, ARIZ.
DEAR SUN CITY: As an eyewitness, your testimony could be crucial in this case, so please don't
abandon your responsibility as a good citizen.
And by the way, whatever happened to one's constitutional right to a speedy trial? "Justice delayed is
justice denied," said William Gladstone, who was prime minister of England in the late 1800s.
But, of course, our courts were not as clogged in the late 1800s as they are today.
life

PIPER NEEDS TO SPEAK UP IF SHE
EXPECTS TO BE PAID
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a church organist and have played for many weddings. After being underpaid, paid
with knickknacks from the local gift shop, or not being paid at all because the couple assumed the
music "came with the church," I decided to be more direct about my fees.
Now when a couple ask me to play for their wedding, I tell them up front what the cost will be, and
what it covers (my travel time, the wedding rehearsal, providing music prior to the ceremony, etc.). I
even ask them to please pay me at the rehearsal -- because it has been my experience that the best man,
or the bride's father, or whoever had my check often forgot to give it to me in the excitement of the
wedding day.
My "policy" as helped me avoid much confusion and hard feelings.
Pastors should be compensated for performing the service, and they need to speak up in this regard. I
know it's often difficult to ask church members (or non-members) for money, but most folks are
relieved not to have to guess at what might be an appropriate fee for weddings, funerals, etc.
As an aside, I was appalled when my own pastor told my fiance and me prior to our wedding that he
had been paid anywhere from $10 to $500, and we should set our own payment. He and I were close
enough friends that I could say, "My dentist doesn't let me decide how much I should pay him -- and
you shouldn't either!" (He got the message.) -- PAID IN FULL IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.
DEAR PAID IN FULL: Thanks for clearing up a great many doubts in the minds of many. Some
pastors and church organists are somewhat timid about mentioning "fees," so I'm printing your very
helpful letter.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to comment about the letter signed "Brokenhearted Mother," who didn't
want Grandma, who lives 1,000 miles away, to know that her favorite grandson (age 19) was in jail.
Abby, your advice was the best ever. "Tell the truth, and tell it now," you said. "If you don't, it will be
found out." I know. It happened to me.
My story is similar, only my parents live just around the corner. "Joey," our youngest (age 16) got
mixed up with the wrong crowd and had to spend seven months in a detention center. I, too, made up
excuses for his always being "away" when Grandma phoned. ("Joey is in the shower," or "Joey is in
the darkroom developing.") I kept this up for four months. Finally my mother said, "I know where Joey
is. He has been writing to us!" Needless to say, I felt like a fool.
When Joey came home, I helped him unpack, and I found a large collection of letters -- several from
some of our neighbors! This surprised me. Joey said he wrote to almost everybody he knew, hoping
they'd write back because getting mail was the only thing he had to look forward to -- besides getting
out.
I've been reading your column for years, and this is the first time I've seen this problem mentioned.
"Brokenhearted Mother" is not alone. -- BROKENHEARTED IN TORONTO
life

life
Grandparents' Bad Grammar Is Painful Music to Mom's Ears

DEAR ABBY: As a first-time mother, I want to give our child the best. Since Nicholas is now 19
months old, he will soon be spending more time with his paternal grandparents. They crave all the time
they can get with him, and he loves them dearly. It would also give my husband and me a much-needed
break if Nicky could spend weekends and vacations with his grandparents.
The problem is their grammar. It is atrocious! The double negatives, the "ain'ts," the sloppy way they
speak ("It's gonna rain Sa-erdee"), etc., just drive me batty! I don't want Nicky to speak that way. And
suppose he picks up incorrect grammar from his grandparents -- am I to say, "Your grandparents are
ignorant"?
Compounding the problem is the fact that I'm raising Nicky to be bilingual. I speak to him in Greek,
and thus far that's the only language he speaks. He is sure to pick up English from playmates and other
sources.
In spite of the rubbish that exists around most children today, I am determined that Nicky will speak
properly, so I am at painful odds what to do about his grandparents' speech. Can you help me? --
NICKY'S MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Developing a close and loving relationship with his grandparents will be of greater
value to Nicky than any protection you can give him against exposure to sloppy grammar.
As the daughter of Russian immigrants who came to America as young adults with virtually no
knowledge of the English language, I somehow managed to learn how to speak properly. And so did
they. And so will Nicky. Trust me.
life

DEAR ABBY: My neighbor lives a few short steps from my back door; we have adjoining yards, yet
she calls me on the phone intermittently all day long -- just to chat. I wouldn't mind if she called once
for a brief conversation, but she often calls three to four and even five times a day, just to ask me what
I'm doing. She has invited me over for coffee, and I have invited her here -- but once she's here, she
stays too long.
She's 35 years old, no children, and doesn't want any. I work for my husband's business in my home,
and this neighbor is getting to be too much for me. I got an answering machine, and she leaves
messages for me to call her. Should I call her back or ignore her messages? I hate to hurt her feelings,
but I don't know what else to do. I've even considered moving, but why should I move when I love this
house? -- STIFLED
DEAR STIFLED: You must tell your neighbor that just because you are home all day does not mean
that you are not working; explain that you work for your husband during the day.
Suggest that she do volunteer work -- there are numerous good causes in every community. And if she
continues to leave messages, do not return her calls.
life

CONFIDENTIAL: To those readers who have tried without success to locate the Exchange Club
Center for the Prevention of Child Abuse of Southern Minnesota, the address is: 285 18th St. S.E.,
Owatonna, Minn. 55060. The telephone number is (507) 455-1190. Child abuse is everyone's problem,
but by working together, parents and professionals can break the cycle.
life

life
DAUGHTER'S USE OF BIRTH CONTROL HAS MOM AT A
LOSS FOR WORDS

DEAR ABBY: Our 19-year-old daughter is a college sophomore, living at school.
Recently, while in her old room at home, I came across a pharmacy bag containing contraceptive
supplies with a receipt dated 2 1/2 years ago. At that time, she was dating a 19-year-old guy, with
whom she recently broke up (six months ago) after a three-year relationship.
She's a great kid, well-adjusted, always obeyed her curfew, and doesn't drink or do drugs. Should I just
forget about this and be glad she at least took responsibility for protecting herself? (She has never been
willing to discuss sex with me.)
I have not mentioned this to her father. Should I? I feel a bit like a traitor keeping it from him, but he is
her father. Thank you for any advice you can offer. -- HER MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Your daughter is to be commended for her (a) maturity and (b) sense of
responsibility regarding contraception.
If it will ease your mind to have a private conversation with your daughter about your "discovery," do
so. But if sharing the information with your husband could possibly sour their relationship, please
reconsider. The past is history.
life

DEAR ABBY: You recently published a letter signed "'Real' Adoptive Parent" from a mother who was
upset by insensitive questions. My wife and I are the parents of three girls: one, an adopted Korean-
born child; another, a biracial child; and one who is our daughter by birth.
We belong to a local adoptive-parent support group where we have heard every imaginable story about
encounters with prejudice and insensitivity. We have also learned how to handle such questions.
When asked what seems to be an impertinent question, it is best to assume that there was no harm
intended.
For example, one woman asked if my Korean daughter was "mine." When I responded, "Yes," she
asked, "How much did she cost?"
When asked, "What happened to her 'real' mother?" a good response would be, "I have been married to
her for more than 20 years."
When asked, "Are they your natural children?" I say, "We don't use any preservatives or artificial
ingredients."
By answering good-naturedly, and with a little humor, parents can communicate two very important
lessons to their children: how they can one day handle such questions, should the need arise; and at the
same time demonstrate that since the parents are not embarrassed by their family, neither should the
chidren be. -- ROBERT KLAHN, PRESIDENT, RAINBOW FAMILIES, TOLEDO, OHIO
DEAR ROBERT: Thank you for your helpful suggestions, as well as your eye-opening letter.
Families interested in information about adoption can contact Adoptive Families of America, 3333
Highway 100 North, Minneapolis, Minn. 55422. You will be provided a free information packet upon
request. No self-addressed, stamped envelope is required.
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DEAR ABBY: I am a single person who recently took a trip to an important sporting event with two
married couples. My question: What should my share be when it comes to expenses?
For instance, it cost $20 to park our van. Should I pay one-third of the cost with each married couple
paying a third? Or should I pay one-fifth of the cost -- with each person paying one-fifth?
I paid one-third of the parking and gas bill. Was this justified, or should I mention to the couples that I
am only one-fifth of the group? -- WISCONSINITE
DEAR WISCONSINITE: Unless you are on a very tight budget, assume one-third of the expenses.
Otherwise, "take the fifth."
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Hot off the press -- Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order,
Canada) to Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
MOM FEARS CHERNOBYL LETTERS MAY
CARRY MORE THAN NEWS
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DEAR ABBY: I have a question that has been bothering me a great deal. I feel embarrassed to ask, but
I must.
My teen-age daughter has been receiving pen-pal letters from a girl in Ukraine (U.S.S.R.) who happens
to live a few hundred miles from the Chernobyl disaster in a city called Dnepropetrovsk. Because I'm a
natural worrier, mother of five and pregnant again, every time she receives a letter, I can't help but
wonder if it is safe (non-radioactive).
I realize it has been five years since that tragedy, and cleanup has taken place, but I don't know whom
to ask. Please help me. -- LOUISIANA WORRIER
DEAR WORRIER: Put your mind at ease. According to William Curtis, project leader at the
Environmental Protection Agency's Office of Radiation Programs, there is nothing to worry about. (Mr.
Curtis is an oceanographer who journeyed to Chernobyl last year to conduct surveys for the EPA on
radiation levels in the Black Sea.) He assured me that if his word isn't enough to ease your worry, you
may take the envelopes to be analyzed at any university that has a radiation department.
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DEAR ABBY: I know you can help me. I have a son who's 14 years old, and he is terribly afraid of the
dentist. I started taking him to the dentist when he was 3 years old, but each time it was a terrible
experience.
He has not been to a dentist for a checkup for more than three years because he is terrified of shots.
(He even complains about how painful it is to have his teeth cleaned.)
My question is: Are there any dentists in Michigan who treat patients who have a phobia about
dentists? My son needs to have a couple of teeth extracted. -- LIVONIA MAMA
DEAR MAMA: If your family dentist cannot (or will not) refer you to a dentist who specializes in
phobic patients, get in touch with your county dental association and ask for some referrals.
Please don't cave in on this very important issue, Mama. Proper dental care is essential to your son's
general physical health.
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DEAR ABBY: "Hurt in Indiana" remarked that whenever she went to her son's home, she noticed
pictures of his wife's family prominently displayed all over the house, but not one picture of his family
was in evidence. That reminds me of this story:
One of my lifelong friends remarried after her first husband died. Husband No. 2, whose first wife had
died, kept a very large portrait of Eve, Wife No. 1, hanging over the fireplace.
Finally, my friend, one of nature's true noblewomen, who wouldn't hurt a flea if she could get out of its
way, said to Husband No. 2: "I have a very good portrait of Clifford (Husband No. 1) that would look
lovely beside Eve."
The next day Eve's portrait mysteriously disappeared. -- AMUSED IN TULSA

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all in Abby's new, updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a
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Daughter Has a Full Plate; Parents Get Only Crumbs

DEAR ABBY: For quite a long time now, when certain situations arise, I ask myself, "What would
Dear Abby say?" I would like to address this situation:
Before I was married, I visited my parents (they live nearby) several times a week. Now I am married -
- with new friends, wanting to spend time with my husband and also visit my other siblings. This
means that my husband and I don't visit my parents as much.
The problem? I feel guilty for not spending more time with them. My mother makes comments like,
"Oh, we haven't seen you for months!" (Not true, Abby; we see them at least twice a month.)
I know that we are only as guilty as we make ourselves feel, but I would like to know, in Dear Abby's
opinion, how often is often enough to visit parents? They don't seem to understand that there are other
people in my life now, and working every day makes me tired at the end of the day and weekends are
precious. Any comments? -- FEELING GUILTY
DEAR GUILTY: No one can "make" you feel guilty without your permission.
Your reasons for seeing less of your parents now are legitimate, so when you mother "reminds" you
that your visits are less frequent, don't apologize (like a child); explain to her -- as you did to me -- that
there are other people in your life now, and working every day is very tiring and weekends are
precious.
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DEAR ABBY: My brother's son is getting married soon in Chicago. The number of family on the
groom's side will be limited, as none of us live in Chicago. We will have to fly in the night before in
order to attend the wedding, which is scheduled for 2 p.m. We will not be able to leave for home the
day of the wedding because there are no evening flights.
So -- after the airfare, hotel for two nights, meals, car rental, etc. -- the wedding will cost each of us
well over $700, not including the gift.
I have just found out that the groom's family will not be invited to the rehearsal dinner, even though we
are all from out of town. (There will be only six or eight of us.)
We are very hurt to think that we will be left alone in a hotel in a strange city after all of the effort and
expense we will go through to attend this wedding.
Don't tell us it is our choice to go or not. We know that, but his wife would never forgive us if we didn't
come, and besides, we really want to be there to see this nephew married.
Please try to explain why my brother and his wife are excluding us from the rehearsal dinner. It can't be
the cost -- they can well afford a few more dinners. What do the etiquette books say? -- HURT IN
NEW YORK
DEAR HURT: I don't know why your brother and his wife are excluding you from the rehearsal dinner
if -- as you say -- they can well afford it.
The etiquette books say that all out-of-town guests should be invited to the rehearsal dinner, which is
traditionally hosted by the groom or his family.
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included.)
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Would-Be Cupid Has Sight Set but May Be Jumping the Gun
DEAR ABBY: When is it proper to play Cupid? My best friend, "Marsha," lost her husband a few
months ago. He had a massive heart attack with no warning whatsoever. He was healthy and athletic.
A few years ago, Marsha and my cousin, "Marc," met at my daughter's christening. It was obvious that
there was a strong mutual attraction between them, but they were both seeing other people at the time,
so nothing came of it, and they both eventually married other people.
I just learned that Marc and his wife have split. Being a matchmaker is not something I do regularly,
but I just know that Marsha and Marc would make a great team.
How can I get them together? And when would be the proper time?
I don't want Marsha to think I'm insensitive, but they are both very attractive people, and I don't want
to chance either one of them getting involved with someone else before they have a chance to get
together. -- FRUSTRATED CUPID
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Idle your motor -- you may be too late already. Do not mention Marc's
availability to Marsha until you feel that Marsha is ready for another romance. And don't assume that
Marc is waiting around for another involvement.
When Marsha is ready, contact Marc and ask him, "What's new?" and, "Are you 'involved'?" If nothing
is new and Marc is not involved, tell him about Marsha's availability -- and let him take it from there.
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DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old future bride with a small problem. My mother and father were
divorced when I was 10, and my mother married "Len" a year later. Len has been a wonderful
stepfather whom I love dearly. My biological father and I had problems during my adolescent years.
(We didn't speak to each other for four years.) My stepfather (Len) was a far more loving father to me -
- in fact, he was the one who got me together again with my biological father.
Now I am going to be married. I read in a bridal magazine that where there is a biological father and
stepfather involved, the bride's biological father is supposed to walk her down the aisle and give her
away in marriage, and the stepfather has the privilege of dancing the first dance with the bride.
Is this the proper arrangement? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I have always had a much
better relationship with my stepfather. -- HAPPY BUT CONFUSED
DEAR HAPPY: There are no hard and fast "rules" when it comes to weddings. If you're having
problems deciding which man should walk you down the aisle, why not give both of them the honor? It
has been done -- and with great success. Also consider walking down the aisle alone. It's the choice of
many brides, and makes an impressive sight.
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CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYBODY: "Nothing is sometimes the right thing to say." (Malcolm Forbes)
life

This one's for everybody, from teens to seniors! To purchase Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of
Us and How to Deal With It," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money
order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill.
61054. (Postage is included.)
Pro-Choicer Says Adoption Speaks Louder
Than Words
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DEAR ABBY: In Richland, Wash., men and women are carrying signs and parading small children in
front of family-planning clinics in opposition to a woman's right to choose.
Meanwhile, a newborn baby boy was dumped in an apartment complex trash bin and left to die. He
was found, hospitalized and survived. The baby, his 17-year-old mother and another son, a 1 1/2-year-
old, have been placed in separate King County foster-care families.
Abby, please print the letter signed "Hates Hypocrites" again. In light of the abovementioned incident -
- which is occurring all over the nation -- that letter needs to be seen again. -- BARBARA HARROW,
RICHLAND, WASH.
DEAR BARBARA: Indeed I will. And here it is:
DEAR ABBY: This is a message to those men and women who try to prevent women from entering
abortion clinics and carry big signs that say, "They Kill Babies Here!"
Have you signed up to adopt a child? If not, why not? Is it because you don't want one, can't afford
one, or don't have the time, patience or desire to raise a child?
What if a woman who was about to enter a family-planning clinic saw your sign, then decided not to
have an abortion but chose instead to give her baby to you? Would you accept it? What if the mother
belonged to a minority group -- or was addicted to drugs, or tested positive for AIDS?
Why are you spending your time carrying a sign? Why aren't you volunteering to baby-sit a child born
to a single mother so she can work? Why haven't you opened your door to a pregnant teen-ager whose
parents have kicked her out when she took your advice and decided not to have an abortion?
As for the taxpayers who resent paying for abortions, who do you think pays for foster care, welfare,
social workers and juvenile delinquency? The taxpayers.
Let's talk about something money can't buy: love. Have you ever visited a home for abused and
unwanted children? Have you ever been to juvenile hall and seen the children who have committed
crimes because they were born to mothers who didn't want them?
I'm not thrilled about abortion, but I don't think anyone has the right to tell others not to have one
unless he or she has done the things I have mentioned above.
So, to those carrying those signs and trying to prevent women from entering family planning clinics,
heed my message: If you must be against abortion, don't be a hypocrite -- make your time and energy
count. -- HATES HYPOCRITES IN SANTA ANA, CALIF.
DEAR HATES: I couldn't have said it better. Or as well.

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DEAR ABBY: To the Caucasian couple with the adopted Korean child: I, too, have been confronted by
many unthinking strangers with rude comments. My most memorable occurred while grocery shopping
with my blond-haired, blue-eyed biological son and my dark-haired, dark-complexioned adopted
daughter.
A woman approached me and asked, "Are these your children?"
"Yes," I answered.
"Different fathers?" she asked.
"Yes, and different mothers, too," I replied.
"Oh," she said, looking confused. "With people sleeping around so much these days, I just thought --" I
didn't let her finish. I just walked away and left her with her big mouth hanging open. -- C.M. IN
APPLE VALLEY, MINN.
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Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
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Sing It Out, Sing It Loud: Get a Regular Mammogram!

DEAR READERS: The letter from the woman who felt a lump in her breast but was afraid to go to the
doctor prompted a deluge of mail. Some typical letters:
DEAR ABBY: I lost my mother and three sisters to cancer, so I can sympathize with "Scared to
Death," who felt a lump in her breast and was afraid to get a mammogram.
I join you, Abby, in urging all women -- even those without lumps -- to get mammograms regularly.
They can save your life. Please tell your readers that any woman can get breast cancer whether it's in
her family or not; 80 percent of the women who get breast cancer do NOT have it in their family.
A mammogram can detect breast cancer two years before a woman or her doctor can feel a lump. All
women should have regular mammograms beginning at age 40 -- particularly women of color because
they are more likely to die because they didn't catch it early enough.
I urge all my sisters, black or white, to educate themselves about this scary but treatable disease. For
more information, your readers can dial 1-800-4-CANCER. -- PATTI LABELLE
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DEAR ABBY: In 1977, when I discovered a lump in my breast, I was terrified! Nevertheless, I made
an appointment to see my doctor, and a week after my "positive" biopsy, I had a modified radical
mastectomy. I was devastated and depressed.
The third day after my surgery, a lovely, cheerful lady showed up in my hospital room and asked me if
I had ever heard of "Reach to Recovery." I told her I had not. Then she went on to explain that my
surgeon had contacted the American Cancer Society and requested that a volunteer from that
organization pay me a visit.
This encouraging woman told me that she, too, had had a mastectomy. She gave me some exercises to
do, and also gave me a "rest bra" and a temporary prosthesis. But the best thing she gave me was hope
and assurance that I was still the same woman I had been before the surgery.
Since that time, I have become a volunteer in the Reach to Recovery program and have enjoyed the
rewards of helping many other women who were as heartbroken and depressed as I had been before
Reach to Recovery reached out to me. -- BARBARA J. MYHRE, BANDERA, TEXAS
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DEAR ABBY: Like "Scared to Death," I felt a lump in my breast. Unlike her, I immediately saw my
doctor. Even though it was cancer, I was one of the lucky ones because I sought early diagnosis and
treatment and I am alive today to talk about it.
"Scared to Death" is afraid of how her husband would feel about her following a mastectomy. I had the
same fears, but throughout my ordeal, my husband was my biggest supporter and my best friend. If
anything, the situation brought us closer together. He says he loves me for me, not for my body parts.
I am thankful to have made it and I would love to tell the world that I am extremely proud of my
supportive husband. If you use my letter, feel free to use my real name. -- JAN NICHOLS,
CARLETON, MICH.
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DEAR ABBY: I had just returned home from a routine mammogram when I read the letter from
"Scared to Death." I watched my own mother's painful battle with breast cancer (both breasts).
However, she won that battle and came away with a beautiful reconstruction job. Now she jokes about
having firm breasts in her 60s! Two of my aunts and my grandmother had mastectomies, and none of
their husbands left them. In fact, they outlived their husbands! -- A SURVIVOR IN COLORADO
life

To get Abby's booklet, "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-
life
Preschool Recycling Begins With Some Adult Education

DEAR ABBY: A couple of mothers in my neighborhood and I teach home preschool for our 2- and 3-
year-olds. This month we are talking about conservation. Though these children don't understand all
about conservation and ecology, they at least understand the concept that each person can and should
do his part to keep our world beautiful and safe.
We would like to do our part by separating our trash into containers labeled "paper," "glass,"
"aluminum" and "everything else." However, I am confused as to what constitutes recyclable paper
products.
Would used paper towels be acceptable or not? What about cardboard boxes -- such as cereal boxes,
doughnut boxes, etc.?
Please advise me on any steps I need to take before taking things to the recycling plant. Thank you. --
MAREN IN MESA
DEAR MAREN: Check the Yellow Pages of your telephone directory under "Recycling," "Scrap" or
"Solid Waste." You might also contact your local solid waste management office, which is usually a
part of the Department of Public Works. Someone there can help you identify local recycling groups,
other area schools and groups with recycling programs, local environmental groups, and companies
that accept recyclables and process or sell them to reclaimers.
This research will help you find out which materials are being recycled presently in your area, as well
as those recycling handlers and processors who could accept the materials you collect.
For further information on recycling, contact the Council for Solid Waste Solutions, 1275 K St. N.W.,
Suite 400, Washington, D.C. 20005.
Teachers or school administrators who wish to order a free copy of the Council for Solid Waste
Solutions manual, "How to Set Up a School Recycling Program," or the "Resource Revolution" video,
should call 1-(800)-243-5790.
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DEAR ABBY: I used to think mother-in-law jokes were funny. Not any more. I realize that there must
be some good mothers-in-law, but I wasn't lucky enough to get one.
My husband's mother refuses to accept that she cannot run my life, and my husband refuses to tell her
to quit trying. He says if I have any complaints about his mother, I should tell her -- not him.
He spends a lot of time with his parents, and he does whatever his mother tells him to do. How can I
handle this without causing a lot of problems? -- MAD IN MADISON
DEAR MAD: Take your husband's advice. If your mother-in-law tries to tell you what to do, tell her,
woman-to-woman, that you are quite capable of making your own decisions. When you involve your
husband, you are asking him to fight your battles in opposition to his mother. Not a very good idea.
You need a course in assertiveness. (Yes, such courses are available. Check with your local college.)
Another suggestion to improve your marriage: See your clergyperson or a marriage counselor. If your
husband refuses to join you for counseling, go alone.
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included.
These Finders Are Keepers, at Least According
to Law
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Dear Abby | August 1st, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the couple in Anchorage who were torn over whether or not
to keep the $42 the husband found in the glove compartment of the used car they had recently
purchased.
They have no legal responsibility to return the money to the car's original owner. To illustrate, here's a
similar case that went to the Supreme Court in 1981: In the case of the City of Everett v. the Estate of
Sumstad, the Mitchells were a couple who purchased a used safe at an auction for $50. The safe had
previously belonged to the Sumstad estate and contained a locked inside compartment. The Mitchells
had a locksmith open the compartment and discovered $32,207 inside.
The Everett police impounded the money and brought an action against both the Sumstad estate and
the Mitchells to determine the owner of the money. The trial court decided in favor of the estate, but in
appeal, summary judgment was for the Mitchells.
Since the Mitchells understood the sale was final, and the auctioneer reserved no rights of the estate to
any contents of the safe, the reasonable conclusion is that the auctioneer objectively intended to sell
both the safe and its contents, and that both parties mutually assented to the sale. Therefore, the
Anchorage couple should feel no guilt in keeping the $42, since the Supreme Court ruled that the
Mitchells could keep $32,207. -- KNOWS THE LAW
DEAR KNOWS: Surely you also must know that that which is legal is not always moral. I rest my
case.
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Dear Abby for August 01, 1991

DEAR ABBY: The first time you quoted "The Reading Mother," I meant to write to you; when you did
it again today, I decided I would not fail this time.
Why not a reading father? My three sons received bedtime readings from the time they were small
until almost through high school. I, their father, was the reader; I love books, and I enjoyed the material
at least as much as they did.
We got through the Alice books, "Gulliver's Travels," "Huckleberry Finn," "Lord of the Rings," and
scores of others.
I was in medical school and psychiatric residency training during many of these years, and the hours
spent reading to my children were a welcome relief to me, as well as an introduction to the world of
literature to them.
I recommend reading aloud to children of all ages by either parent. -- ROB HARDY, CHIEF,
MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES, R.A.F., LAKENHEATH, UNITED KINGDOM
DEAR DR. HARDY: I am printing your letter in the interest of fairness to those fathers who read to
their children. Although their numbers may not be as great as mothers, they deserve to be counted.
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CONFIDENTIAL TO DESPERATE IN CHICAGO: "The darkest hour in a man's life is when he sits
down to plan how to get money without earning it." -- HORACE GREELEY
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GETTING OUT OF MARRIAGE IS HARDER THAN

GETTING IN

DEAR ABBY: I am 21 1/2 years old and was married when I was 20. I thought at the time I was doing
the right thing, but now, after a year and a half of marriage, I realize it was a mistake. I was too young
to get married.
My husband and I disagreed on too many things, so now we are getting a divorce. He doesn't want it,
but he says if I pay for it, he will sign all the required papers. We have nothing to divide. No house, no
car, no money and no kids. Nothing to fight over.
Now for my problem: I went to a legal clinic and they told me there wasn't any "no-fault divorce" in
Cook County, Ill., which is where we live. This means I will have to go to court and claim "mental
cruelty."
Abby, there was no mental cruelty, so why do I have to go to court and lie -- especially since my
husband agreed to cooperate? Isn't there someplace that we could go and just sign some papers and be
divorced? Why must I point a finger of blame at a perfectly nice man? The marriage was MY mistake.
Also, I would like to know why a divorce should cost so much? I was quoted a figure of $970. There is
nothing to divide up, and my husband is not going to contest the divorce. Isn't there a cheaper and
easier way? -- NOBODY'S FAULT
DEAR NOBODY'S FAULT: A cheaper divorce would be available through your legal aid society --
only if you are unemployed.
According to Dorothy B. Johnson, attorney at law and chairperson of the Chicago Bar Association
Matrimonial Law Committee:
"Since July 1, 1984, there has been another ground for dissolution of marriage in Illinois, which you
and your spouse may find more suitable: 'irreconcilable differences.'
"As for the cost of your divorce, the rate you were quoted is not out of line for the greater Chicago
area."
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DEAR ABBY: The letter from a woman who had witnessed a father abusing his young son in a
department store, and she didn't know what to do or say, bothered me. You seemed to be sympathetic
with the abuser and suggested that she could have said, "I know how you must feel -- shopping with
children isn't easy," which would seem to give approval to the father's actions.
The other day, I witnessed a similar situation involving a young mother in a checkout line in a
supermarket. Her child had obviously misbehaved and the mother was berating him with some harsh
words that can hurt a child more than physical blows!
A woman in line in front of them turned around and delivered what I thought was the perfect remark:
"I'll give you a dollar for him!"
That one sentence reminded the young mother of the value of her child.
I wish I had said it. -- SYLVIA E., LOS ANGELES

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DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but after reading about the old gentleman who is still
making love often at the age of 85, I took the newspaper out of the trash can three times to make sure I
had read it correctly.
I would sure like to hear his wife's side of this story. I'll bet she is sick to death of it. Or maybe she is
like me, going through the motions and faking it.
I am a 65-year-old woman married to the most wonderful man in the world, and I have been faking it
for years. How many letters have you gotten on this one? I would love to know. -- "B" IN DALLAS
DEAR "B": Thus far, only a few, but I would welcome letters or postcards (unsigned, of course) from
other females who have been "faking it" for years.
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Mothers Declare War on Pacifier Warning

DEAR ABBY: I am a child psychologist and the mother of two. There is certainly controversy in the
field of child development concerning pacifiers. However, most professionals believe that there is no
harm in giving pacifiers to infants as long as the pacifier is "orthodontically approved" -- meaning the
shape prevents the development of a tongue-thrusting habit.
It is important to understand that the sucking reflex, being necessary for survival, is the strongest reflex
in a newborn. Some infants display a stronger need to suck than others. If a mother were to attempt to
satisfy this need with breast or bottle, the result would be overfeeding -- and a very tired mother.
Use of a pacifier is harmless as long as the infant is weaned from it, much as one weans a baby from a
bottle.
My younger daughter was born with an extremely strong sucking reflex. When the pediatrician came to
the hospital and lifted her from her bassinet, all of the bedding came with her -- she had tried to stuff it
into her mouth! The pediatrician said, "I hope you have a pacifier at home."
Abby, the next time you print a letter from a "child development specialist," please check with other
professionals before unnecessarily alarming thousands of parents who are already bombarded with
well-intentioned advice from every side. As with everything, moderation is the key. -- PRO-PACIFIER,
MONROE, MICH.
DEAR PRO-PACIFIER: Meet another pro-pacifier enthusiast who shares your opinion of the child
development specialist.
DEAR ABBY: I am really incensed by this "child development specialist" who, by sheer ego and self-
importance, purports to know more than the instincts of a mother.
I am equally incensed at her allegation that parents who give their children pacifiers are really
pacifying themselves to keep their children quiet.
How dare this "child development specialist" insinuate that I am a bad mother for using pacifiers! If I
were to listen to the constantly changing theories of these child development specialists and actually
put to use some of their theories, my children would be so confused, they wouldn't know which way is
up!
I would like to see the research that backs up her theory that the use of pacifiers can lead to smoking,
overeating and alcoholism. Furthermore, what makes this woman a "child development specialist"? Is
it education or experience? If experience counts for anything, I am a child development specialist
myself. I'm raising twins. -- PAM ISAACSON, EL PASO
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DEAR ABBY: Some very close friends are planning a surprise 25th wedding anniversary party for a
special couple we all love.
The friends who are planning the party want all the other friends of this couple to participate. Would it
be considered tacky to put on the invitation: "In lieu of a gift, please make a cash contribution to help
defray the cost of catering"? -- "US" IN BALTIMORE
DEAR "US": Yes, it would be tacky. If the "very close friends" want to plan the party together and split
the cost, fine -- but do not ask the invited guests to chip in.
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Free at Last of Cancer's Grip, Man Frees His
Wife as Well
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Dear Abby | August 4th, 1991 | Letter 1 of 3
DEAR ABBY: More than a year ago, you published a letter from "Mac in Oregon." He told you about
his life and his battle with cancer and said he hoped his wife would not spend her life alone after he
died.
Well, Mac lost his battle on May 30. He fought long enough to show great courage, but not so long as
to destroy those he loved. He was as unselfish in death as he was in life.
I knew Mac for 42 years. He taught me about life, love, truth and mercy, and left me (and others) with
sweet memories and a treasure trove of lessons about what is truly important. He wasn't rich, powerful
or famous, but he was my dad. Rest in peace, Mac -- we love you still. -- TIM McSWAIN, LINCOLN
PARK, N.J.
DEAR TIM: My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family. And now, as a tribute to Mac, I'm printing
your father's letter that appeared in my column on April 24, 1990:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for supporting the widow who started dating three months after her husband
died. You were right to say, "The time to show respect for one's spouse is while that spouse is living."
Here is my story, and there must be thousands of husbands (and wives) who feel as I do.
My wife and I had many good years together. We raised kids, lived through joyous good times and
horrendous bad times.
I am in my 18th month of chemotherapy for various cancers. I may live three months or five years. It
doesn't matter how short or long my life will be, but it's reasonable to assume that I will die before my
wife does. I have had a more rewarding and fruitful life than I probably deserve, for which I am
grateful. But the day I die, my last thoughts will be regret that I shall leave her alone. It's sad to know
that after so many months of total concentration on my welfare -- days of putting up with my misery
and never letting me see her own misery -- her reward will be to be left alone.
Abby, she is not the kind of person who should be alone. So I tell her now, and I want my kids and all
my friends to listen: "As soon as you possibly can after throwing my ashes off the boat into the Pacific,
wrap the memories of our life together around you -- and begin a new life. If three days, or three
months after I'm gone, you find a man who will love and cherish you for a few years as I have for so
many -- go for it! You've earned it." -- "MAC" IN OREGON
DEAR MAC: Your sincerity rings true, leaving me uncharacteristically speechless. Thanks for a two-
hankie letter.
life

DEAR ABBY: You have stated twice in your column that both of the Wright brothers were bachelors.
Wilbur Wright died at the age of 45, a bachelor. Orville Wright lived to be 77 years old and married
late in life. His wife was not as old as he was, but they had no children.
You were correct in stating that the Wright brothers do not have any direct descendants. -- HELEN L.
THOMAS
DEAR HELEN L. THOMAS (not to be confused with Helen Thomas, veteran White House
correspondent for United Press International): Thank you for attempting to set the record straight.
The New Encyclopedia Britannica, Volume 19, Page 1033, states: "Both the brothers died bachelors."
life

life
Food Stamp Fraud Leaves Bad Taste in Wife's Mouth

Dear Abby | August 3rd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 3
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are taking a two-month vacation, so we advertised in our church
newsletter for a house sitter. Our 18-year-old daughter lives with us, so we wanted a female. She works
full-time and goes to night classes at our community college.
A 24-year-old girl I'll call Wanda answered the ad. She, her parents and grandparents are members of
our church. We told Wanda she could live here for free and save the $100 a month she had been paying
her parents for rent. Wanda said that she wanted $50 a month from us. She was the best choice we had,
so we agreed.
Yesterday Wanda came over with her parents, and as they were leaving, her mother dropped this bomb:
"Wanda has applied for food stamps -- but you will have to sign a paper saying that you are not paying
her anything to live in your house."
My husband said, "No problem -- we will sign it."
I do not want to sign that paper. I don't believe in lying -- especially to help a young, able-bodied
woman to defraud the government.
My husband professes to be a Christian, and apparently these people are Christians -- as she chided me
for not attending church and all that good stuff.
Abby, what do you think about people asking a fellow church member to lie so their daughter can
defraud the government? Our plans are made and confirmed, and we are leaving tomorrow; there's no
time to find an honest non-Christian to live here. -- DISGUSTED
DEAR DISGUSTED: Shame on those Christian churchgoers for asking you to sign a false statement in
order to defraud the government. And your husband should be ashamed of himself for condoning such
shenanigans.
life

DEAR ABBY: My problem is my grandmother. (My father's mother.) Every now and then she says she
is not sure that my brother and I are actually her grandchildren. Once, she introduced me to someone
this way -- these are her actual words: "These are Wilbur and Thelma's children. Well, anyway, they are
Thelma's, but I'm not sure if they are Wilbur's or not."
My mother has asked my father about his mother's insulting introduction, and he just shrugged it off as
if it was nothing.
I feel that my father should talk to his mother about this slur on our mother's good name since he has
no reason to believe that he is not our father. He refuses to say anything, because according to him,
Grandma just means it as a joke.
This is not my idea of a joke, and my brother feels the same way. What is your opinion of a
grandmother who would act like this? -- TWO HURT TEEN-AGERS
DEAR HURT: Grandmother could be experiencing mental or emotional problems. If that's not the
case, she has a very vicious tongue. Tell her that when she makes such insulting comments about your
mother, she hurts you deeply.
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included.)
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Woman's Childhood Abuse Is Wound That Must Be Healed

Dear Abby | August 2nd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: I am glad you agreed with Grandma! Her 11-year-old grandson and 8-year-old
granddaughter should not be sleeping with their father -- or each other.
When I was 10 years old, my 12-year-old brother and I were forced to sleep together in one bed at a
cousin's house. In the middle of the night I found my brother on top of me! He molested me until I was
17 years old, and to this day I have not told a soul -- including my husband, and we have been married
for nearly 20 years.
I am so ashamed of it, that even now if I think of it for a few minutes, it makes me physically ill!
Please, parents, friends, relatives -- don't let this happen to children. I came from a very respectable
family, and I am sure that nobody would believe that this happened to me. But it did! -- KEEPING MY
SECRET
DEAR KEEPING: Please, don't keep your secret any longer. Contact your local rape crisis center and
inquire about counseling and support groups for people who have kept this kind of secret for years.
You have nothing to be ashamed of -- you were a victim. Victims should bear no guilt.
In counseling, you will learn that in order to heal, you must confront your brother after all these years
and tell him how much pain he has caused you. With counseling this can be accomplished. Trust me.
Please get counseling, then write again and let me know how you are. I care.
life

DEAR ABBY: I've read your column for years and have never seen a problem quite like the one I have.
It all started when my son bought one of those video cameras. Since he bought it, he's been driving
everyone crazy sticking that camera in their faces.
He wants me and my ex-wife (his mother) to act like we're a lovey-dovey couple before his camera, so
my granddaughter (his daughter) can watch it someday and see her grandma and grandpa when they
were "happy" together.
Abby, we were divorced 14 years ago because of her infidelity, and the thought of pretending to be
civil with that woman is more than I can stomach. Of course, she's all for it, so now I'm the bad guy.
Normally, we can't stand the sight of each other, and I think the idea of pretending is ridiculous.
Both of our current spouses have said they wouldn't mind. Any suggestions? -- RETIRED IN SAN
DIEGO
DEAR RETIRED: Unless both you and your "ex" are Academy Award-winning performers, you'd be
foolish to act like you're a "lovey-dovey" couple before a camera. I agree with you -- the idea of
"pretending" is indeed ridiculous. It is also dishonest to attempt to rewrite history.
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO IN LOVE IN HOUSTON: Send your married man back to his wife and children,
and tell him to stay there. You can't build happiness on the misery of others. And by the way, nobody
"falls in love" with a person who is married; they either kick the fence down or climb over it.
life

CHILDREN OF ANY AGE ARE STILL KIDS
TO THEIR PARENTS
life

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter in your column about calling 35- and 44-year-olds "our children,"
I had to smile.
Our children are 26, 27, 29, 30 and 34, and we still call them "the kids."
My husband is 59 and I am 50, and his parents always refer to us as "the kids." But what really strikes
me as being funny is hearing the grandparents who are 76 and 75 years old call my in-laws "the kids."
Don't you just love it, Abby? It sounds so loving and youthful. -- MARJORIE GELLAT
DEAR MARJORIE: I more than "just love it" -- I can relate to it. My husband and I, at age 73, are still
called "the kids" by his parents, who are 92 and 93 years old. And may the good Lord continue to bless
that beautiful couple, Rose and Jay Phillips of Minneapolis, married 74 years ago today. Happy
anniversary, Mother and Dad!
life

DEAR ABBY: In the words of William Wordsworth, "The child is father of the man." The definition of
a "child" as offered by the couple who signed themselves "Ohio Parents" was limited. (They felt that at
age 35 and 44, it was inappropriate to refer to their heirs as "children.")
We have had this discussion in our house many times. In biblical usage, "children" are descendants
regardless of their ages.
I have two adult sons. I maintain that I will always be their mother. Consequently, these fine young
men, both in their 20s, will always be my children. -- MICHIGAN MOMMY
life

DEAR ABBY: Your correspondent, "C.C. in Florida," is misinformed. The story that a Japanese
manufacturer marked his products "MADE IN USA" in an attempt to mislead the buyer is not only
false, it is a rumor that has been going around for at least a quarter of a century.
This tale was given worldwide publicity when it was published in Reader's Digest back in the 1960s.
Your column is so widely read that the letter from C.C. will probably do as much to keep that rumor
alive.
Abby, there IS a "Usa," Japan, but it is a tiny village with no manufacturing facilities. A check with the
Japanese consulate in Los Angeles should confirm that. Also, no Japanese city has changed its name to
"Usa" to mislead people.
Finally, a Japanese product marked "Made in USA" would be in violation of U.S Customs regulations,
and would not be allowed into this country. -- JAMES STEELE
DEAR JAMES STEELE: Thank you for setting the record straight. I hope C.C. sees this.
life

life
Dead Son's Fiancee Is Family -- in Fact if Not in Name

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago our son, "Al," got his girlfriend, "Tara," pregnant. Tara was 15 and Al
was 18 at the time. A week after our grandson was born, Tara's parents kicked her out of their house, so
we took her and the baby into our home where we lived happily as a family.
As time went on, Tara got pregnant again -- also from our son -- and when she became of age to marry
without her parents' consent, she and Al selected a date in September (1990). Al was a college student
living at our home with Tara and the babies.
One month before the wedding, Al was killed in an auto accident. During his funeral, we treated Tara
as his widow.
Tara has since reconciled with her parents, and she and her children have moved back with them. She
is now 19, but she doesn't date yet because she's still grieving for Al. We hope that one day she will
have a normal life, but she is not interested yet.
She attends all of our family functions, birthdays, weddings, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, etc., just
as though she were Al's widow.
Abby, we feel that it may be an embarrassment to her when we introduce her as "Tara, the mother of
our grandchildren." Since she and Al were never married, she is not technically our daughter-in-law.
So, how should she be introduced? -- AL'S FATHER IN GEORGIA
DEAR FATHER: Introduce her as "Tara, the mother of our grandchildren." Your family and close
friends will know the background, and casual acquaintances and strangers do not need to know her
history. Or ask Tara how she would like to be introduced and abide by her wishes.
life

DEAR ABBY: My heart went out to "Guilty in Antigo, Wis." -- the smoker who was made to feel like
a leper by society because she smokes.
I am not a smoker, but my mother was. I have inhaled my share of secondhand smoke, which, in turn,
may have made me more tolerant of smokers today, but non-smokers should check their own bad
habits before looking down their noses at smokers.
Put me next to a smoker anytime on an airplane, in a restaurant or theater, before you put me next to a
squawling baby or a loud, obnoxious person! Most of my friends who smoke go outside to do so out of
consideration for non-smokers, but how many people do you see actually leaving a restaurant or a
theater when their child acts up?
What I'm saying is, we all have habits and/or actions that may annoy others.
If smoking is the only bad habit "Guilty in Antigo" has, I'd love to have her over for coffee and a
cigarette sometime. If she can handle my nail-biting and gossiping, I can handle her cigarette-smoking.
-- NOT PERFECT IN WESTMINSTER, CALIF.
life

life
Honeymoon Hideaway Was Wrong Place at Right Time

DEAR ABBY: Your readers are sending in their crazy wedding night stories, so here's ours:
When Rick and I married, Dec. 14, 1985, we had only a weekend to honeymoon, so we took my aunt's
advice and rented a condo on the beach in Rosarito, Mexico. After the wedding, we made the two-hour
drive, arriving at the gated entrance after dark. We asked the Spanish-speaking guard to point us in the
right direction to our rented unit, showing him the street address.
Upon finding our condo, we could not imagine why the key wasn't in the potted plant by the door
where the owner promised it would be. Also, my aunt had told us that the unit was right on the beach --
this one was across the street. Finally, Rick climbed the balcony and entered the condo through the
sliding glass door; then he opened the front door for me. We had brought along groceries and even logs
for the fireplace, so we made a delicious dinner and built a romantic fire in the fireplace. It was a
perfect wedding night.
The next morning, I decided to go outside and try to find the key. When I looked on the wall above the
potted plant, I saw a ceramic plaque with the condo's full address -- a completely different street name
than the condo we had reserved! I don't think I have ever washed dishes faster than I did that morning!
We made the bed, cleaned up the place and ran out the door as fast as we could -- scared to death, but
laughing hysterically. We drove as fast as we could to the right condo -- just a few blocks down the
street.
We never did find out who owned that first condo, but if the owners happen to see this in print, "Thank
you, and we are sorry!" -- KRISTA AND RICK TOBERIO, SAN CLEMENTE, CALIF.
life

DEAR ABBY: When I was 11, my parents divorced and my mother moved to another state and took
me with her. I saw my father only three times until I was 15. I've talked to him over the telephone a
few times. (I called him -- he has never called me, not even on my birthday.) He is now remarried and
living a comfortable life with his second wife and two stepchildren.
How can a father ignore his own blood child? I have tried over and over to build some kind of
relationship with him, but it hasn't taken hold. I admit, I've had some problems growing up. I dropped
out of high school, and every time I called him he mentioned it, saying I didn't live up to his
expectations, so I finally quit calling him.
I haven't called him in two years. I am 21 now. Should I give up or keep trying? It probably shouldn't
bother me after 10 years, but he is still my dad. Well, maybe if he reads your column he will recognize
me. Sign me ... "ORPHANED" IN IDAHO
P.S. I am engaged to be married. Should I ask him to pay for my wedding?
DEAR "ORPHANED": Apparently your father isn't as eager to build a relationship with you as you are
to build one with him. How sad. Let him know that you are engaged to be married, and if he offers to
help pay for your wedding, fine --- but don't ask him. If you expect nothing, you won't be disappointed
(again).
You deserve some happiness in your life. I hope you have it. Congratulations and all good wishes.
life

Prayer for Dieters Brings Smiles as Well as
Solace
life

DEAR ABBY: Five or six years ago, you had a prayer for dieters in your column written in the style of
the 23rd Psalm. I cut it out of the Rocky Mountain News in Denver. My copy is falling apart. Would
you please print it again? -- PATRICIA OWENS, COMMERCE CITY, COLO.
DEAR PATRICIA: This prayer has been around since the invention of the three-way mirror, and here it
is:
CALORIE COUNTER'S PRAYER
The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want.
He maketh me lie down and do push-ups,
He giveth me sodium-free bread,
He restoreth my waistline.
He leadeth me past the refrigerator for mine own sake.
He maketh me to partake of green beans instead of potatoes,
He leadeth me past the pizzeria.
Yea, though I walk through the bakery,
I shall not falter, for thou art with me;
Thy diet colas they comfort me.
Thou preparest a diet for me in the presence of mine enemies,
Thou anointest my lettuce with low-cal oil.
My cup will not overflow.
Surely Ry Krisp and D-Zerta shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live with pains of hunger forever. Amen.
life

DEAR ABBY: I think I'm in love with my husband's best friend. (I'll call him Rob.) I have known him
almost as long as I've known my husband. Very often, the three of us will go to the movies, bowling,
parties, etc. When Rob is with us, I always have a wonderful time. He keeps me laughing, and he's
interesting company. When I go out with my husband alone, it's usually dull and boring. It's getting to
the point where I'd rather go out with Rob than my husband.
When I know that Rob is out on a date, I get upset and jealous. Some weekends when I'm tired, Rob
will come over and fix dinner for me and my husband. He does a lot of nice things for us that my
husband will not do.
I think about Rob constantly. This man has never said or done anything to suggest that our friendship is
more than friendship. Am I in love with Rob? Or just bored with my husband? -- IN DOUBT IN
TEXAS
DEAR IN DOUBT: Perhaps a little of both. However, if you value your marriage, it's time to break up
the threesome. You and your husband should investigate outings for couples that offer a refresher
course in how to rejuvenate a stagnant marriage. (Check with your church or a local college.)
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included.
life
Homeless People Are More in Need Than Homeless Pets

DEAR ABBY: You told a woman that if reconciliation with her estranged son is not successful, she and
her husband can leave their money to their favorite charity or to their local animal shelter.
A few years ago, I might have said the same thing. But my drive to work takes me through the streets
of downtown Los Angeles, where hundreds of men, women and children live, scrounge through trash
cans for garbage to eat, and warm themselves by bonfires they light in the street at night. I've seen
grown men using the streets for a public restroom, with looks of anguish and great embarrassment on
their faces as I drive by.
Given the awesome task of helping such people, it grieves me to think of people with money to give
away donating it to animals. The number of children without food, people without jobs and families
without homes is growing daily, and it appears that the government isn't going to do much about it at
the moment. -- FEMALE EXECUTIVE
DEAR EXECUTIVE: Must one make a choice? I would hope the human heart would be big enough to
provide ample food and shelter for all God's living creatures. But in a country as wealthy as ours, for
people to be scrounging in trash cans for garbage to eat is a national disgrace.
life

DEAR ABBY: I have decided to end our marriage. The reason for our divorce is my wife's marital
indiscretions. We are well known in town, and our family and close friends were utterly shocked when
they heard the news.
My problem: I do not want anyone thinking that I have been a less-than-decent, caring husband and
father. There was no wrongdoing on my part. My wife, although appearing to be a very decent, moral
woman, chose to ignore her vows to "forsake all others," if you get my drift -- and I think you do.
I do not wish publicly to slander her, but mutual friends are treating me somewhat coldly because I
initiated the divorce.
At the present time, I am not speaking to my wife, which is perceived as being cruel; however, I feel
that this is appropriate in light of her indiscretions.
So, should I remain silent and try to ignore my friends' cold shoulders? -- MR. X
DEAR MR. X: Whether you want to speak to your wife is your own business, but for you to "let
people know" that she violated her marriage vows will make you look like a cad. It is almost
impossible to throw dirt on someone without getting a little on yourself.
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO TALKED ABOUT IN NEW ORLEANS: Keep your character in mint condition,
and your reputation will take care of itself.
life

life
LONG-DISTANCE LOVE AFFAIR ENDS IN TRIP TO THE

ALTAR
DEAR ABBY: In December 1987, I sent Christmas cards to all six of the addresses you had in your
Operation Dear Abby III column. I received three responses -- one was from a Ken Castaneda, serving
on the USS Coral Sea. (The others wrote nice letters, but Ken's was special.)
When Ken received my Christmas card, he was on a Mediterranean cruise, and we corresponded until
his ship pulled into Norfolk, Va., in March of 1988. Ken went on leave to his hometown of Brighton,
Colo., and we talked for the first time when he called me in my hometown of St. Charles, Mo. He
decided to drive from Colorado through Missouri to meet me on his way back to Virginia. (We still
joke that if it hadn't been "on the way" we would not have met.)
To make a long story short, we had an awesome time together -- and we have had a long-distance
relationship since then. But now, we are making our dream come true, as you can see from the
enclosed wedding invitation. How can I thank you? -- TONJA DILLON
DEAR TONJA: You just did, and when this goes to press you will be Mr. and Mrs. Kenneth Castaneda.
Congratulations and all good wishes to you both.
life

DEAR ABBY: I can't believe you let the woman who didn't know whether to tell her son that his dad is
in jail get by with such flippancy about the nature of his crime. Driving drunk IS a violent crime. On at
least three occasions he could have killed people, and if her big city is like ours (Houston), it's unlikely
that he was caught every time he broke the law, and likely that he was completely over the edge before
the police noticed. That she dismissed his level of wrongdoing by saying, "My husband didn't steal
anything, nor did he commit a violent crime," indicates that she still doesn't get it.
I'd rather have a role model for my child who stole to feed the family, than one who takes others' lives
in his hands so casually and without redemption. -- DEBRA DANBURG, STATE
REPRESENTATIVE, AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR MS. DANBURG: The mother wrote asking whether she should tell her 6 1/2-year-old son that
his father was in jail for a year for driving drunk -- or would it be better to say, "Daddy is away on
business and he may be gone for a long time"?
I advised her to tell her son the truth; I didn't think it was necessary to rub salt in her wounds by
reiterating that driving drunk is a very serious crime. She already knows that.
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO CHARLIE IN CINCINNATI: Samuel Johnson said, "Every animal revenges his
pains upon those who happen to be near." Man is no exception.
life

Couple's 44 Years of Bliss Begin in Ladies'
Lounge
life

DEAR ABBY: Can you stand one more letter about crazy wedding nights? My mother and dad have
repeated this story often. Dad had relied on close friends to reserve the bridal suite in the Mallory -- a
lovely old residential hotel in Portland, Ore. As it turned out, the friends didn't think it was necessary to
make reservations, so they didn't bother. Well, as luck would have it, there was a plumbers' convention
in town that week and, needless to say, every hotel was filled to capacity.
The manager of the Mallory was gracious enough to find them a place to sleep for the night. The first
"room" they were offered was a closet under the stairs with no ventilation. The second option was the
Women's Lounge located on the main floor of the hotel right off the lobby. They chose the lounge.
The management brought in two roll-away beds and hung a "CLOSED" sign on the door. Dad said he
unscrewed hundreds of light bulbs from around the vanity mirrors because he couldn't find the light
switch to turn them off.
My folks said there were about eight toilets in the room, and they never used the same one twice.
All night long women were knocking on their door -- trying to get in to use the restroom. They didn't
get much sleep, but they had a lot of laughs and made the best of the situation.
Their union produced five children, and lasted until mother's death six months ago -- one month short
of their 44th anniversary.
Dad's name is Leo Kacena. Mother's name was June. I'm their daughter. -- JOY SPRINGER,
BELLFLOWER, CALIF.
life

DEAR ABBY: I read with sorrow your reply to "Forever a Baby" who couldn't understand why parents
worry so much. You said, "It's every parent's nightmare that their child will be badly hurt or killed in an
automobile accident." How true.
We worried about our two sons. One was fairly cautious -- the other was a speeder. We got them
through high school and thought we were home free.
On April 8, our youngest son decided to ride to town with a friend who had been drinking. The friend
drove too fast, and both were killed in a one-car accident.
To "Baby" I say, "Be glad you have parents who worry about you and have rules."
We will never be the same. -- HEARTBROKEN IN TEXAS
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Please accept my condolences on the tragic loss of your beloved son.
Perhaps your letter will serve as a reminder to others to be cautious about those with whom they
choose to ride.
I recall an impressive ad promoted by Mothers Against Drunk Drivers: "Good friends don't let friends
drive drunk!"
life

life
Mother-in-Law Uses Boots for More Than Just Walking

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law has never liked me, but time worsens things. She lives in another
state, thank God, but she visits often.
Here is my gripe: One week after I gave birth to my second child, Mom was visiting me. I bent over to
tie the laces of my firstborn's shoe, and she kicked me in the behind with her pointy-toed Western boot,
then she let out a hearty laugh! My husband was right there, and he never said a word to her!
I later told a family friend about this incident and the friend couldn't believe it, so she went to my
mother-in-law and asked her. Well, Mom wept hurt, humiliated tears, saying, "Why, I can't imagine
why she (meaning me) would want to tell a lie like that and cause trouble!"
Now Mom is coming to visit us again. I told my husband that if that woman pulls any more stunts like
kicking me with her Western boots, I will call 911 and have her evicted.
Don't suggest counseling -- it's a farce. My husband lies like his mother, and can double-talk his way
out of anything. -- HAD IT WITH ROUGHNECKS
DEAR HAD IT: Don't call 911 -- that's for emergencies, not for a chronic pain in the behind.
Something must be wrong with your mother-in-law, and I think your husband must have inherited it.
Just be grateful that "Mom" doesn't wear spurs.
life

DEAR ABBY: I have been an avid reader of your column for years. I am an African-American male,
30 years of age, who has been incarcerated for almost seven years now, convicted of second degree
homicide and sentenced to serve 30 years.
While in the penitentiary, I completed all academic requirements for a B.S. degree in applied
psychology.
I very much wish to become a registered nurse. Prior to my incarceration, I had completed two years of
nursing school at a local four-year college. I intend to seek another undergraduate degree in nursing
upon my release. The question is this: Will my being a convicted felon preclude me from pursuing a
career in nursing?
I really do want to help people, Abby. Regretfully, it took this episode in my life to enable me to
mature and come to an appreciation of life. I feel that nursing would also assist in my psychological
healing as well. I am remorseful and I do regret my past actions. -- H.B.
DEAR H.B.: Each state has its own requirements regarding licensing to practice nursing. Upon your
release, write to the State Board of Nursing located in the capital city of the state in which you would
like to practice. And if you enclose a stamped envelope, addressed to yourself, your chances for a
response may be increased.
life

life
Disfigured Children Should Be Treated as Normal Kids

DEAR READERS: A reader asked, "What do you think the parent of a facially disfigured child would
want to hear when running into an old friend who has never seen the child before?"
My reply: "Only a person who has walked that path is qualified to answer that question. I hope
someone who has will write and let me know. The answer would be helpful to many readers -- as well
as to this columnist."
I was not prepared for the volume of mail I received. Some excerpts:
FROM ASHLAND, KY.: "DON'T say, 'Oh, my God! What happened to your child's face?' Brace
yourself, then find something positive to say about the baby's bright eyes, lovely head of hair or the
outfit the child is wearing. But don't mention the child's abnormality."
FROM LAKE JACKSON, TEXAS: "Do not ignore the child. A child with a deformity can see, hear
and FEEL. Bend down and say, "Hi ya, little fella -- what's your name?' Ask his mother if you may
pick him up and hold him. The child will feel accepted and the mother will bless you a hundred times
in her prayers."
FROM YAKIMA, WASH.: "Don't try to comfort his mother with the 'news' that they are doing
remarkable things with reconstructive surgery these days. Be assured that the parents are well aware of
what can be done; they also know that it must be done in stages as the child grows. And the child has
probably had many surgeries already."
FROM SHELBY, OHIO: "Treat him as you would treat a normal 2-year-old -- not ignoring the
deformity, but not making an issue of it, either. This is not hypocritical; neither is it acceptance of it. It
puts it in its proper perspective. Forget the 'I'm so sorry' stuff. The mother knows you're sorry -- and so
is SHE!"
FROM EAST HARTFORD, CONN.: "Look behind the disfigurement and see the child beneath still
too young to know that he is different. (He will learn all too soon.) Treat him as you would treat any
other 2-year-old. What you say to the mother doesn't matter. If she wants to bring up the subject of the
child's problem, she will, but she would much rather have him treated as a human being than discussed
as a medical problem. His disfigurement probably can be cured in time, but the damage to him
personally from being treated as less than human may not be."
FROM DALLAS: "God gives these special children something that others will never develop in a
lifetime. We've suffered more from prejudice and ignorant remarks than the difficulty of coping with
our child's multiple handicaps. One stranger actually said, 'How brave of you to take him out in public
instead of putting him away in some institution with people of his own kind.'"
FROM LONG ISLAND: "Thank you, Abby, from the bottom of my heart for opening the door of
opportunity for these letters. The public needs to be educated."
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO "C. IN EVERETT, WASH.": "Thank God every morning when you get up that
you have something to do which must be done, whether you like it or not. Being forced to work, and
forced to do your best, will breed in you temperance, self-control, diligence, strength of will,
contentment, and a hundred other virtues which the idle never know." -- CHARLES KINGSLEY
life

included.)
Pets Locked in Cars Sometimes Rely on
Kindness of Strangers
life

DEAR ABBY: I just returned from my vacation and had to write this letter first thing. While
vacationing in a national park, I saw several dogs locked in closed (or almost closed) cars while their
owners toured museums, rode the tram, ate lunch, etc.
Abby, I recall reading in your column the facts about how fast a car heats up when left locked up on a
hot summer day. Please publish these facts again soon. Maybe it will cause some thoughtless
vacationers to reconsider before taking their pets on vacation with them.
While they may think it's the kind or convenient thing to do, they should decide while planning their
vacation whether they are willing to leave at least two car windows partially open when they stop for
even a few minutes. If not, they should leave their pet with a relative or friend, have a neighbor care for
it at home, or board it in a kennel. These are by far the kindest options for people who really love their
pets.
And if other tourists, sight-seeing in a national park, should observe a pet locked in a car with less-
than-adequate ventilation, they should report it to the park ranger. -- CONCERNED TOURIST FROM
STILWELL, KAN.
DEAR CONCERNED: Thank you for a timely reminder to well-meaning, but thoughtless pet owners.
The Animal Protection Institute, P.O. Box 22505, Sacramento, Calif. 95822, sells cards that may be
placed under the windshield wiper. They sell for only $3 per 100 cards.
The message on the card reads: "YOUR DOG MAY BE DYING! We understand you meant to be kind
by taking your dog with you today, but you could be risking your pet's life.
"On a hot summer day, the inside of a car heats very quickly. On an average 85-degree day, for
example, the temperature inside your car -- with the windows slightly opened -- will reach 102 degrees
in 10 minutes. In 30 minutes it will go up to 120 degrees. On warmer days, it will go even higher.
"A dog's normal body temperature is 101.5 to 102.2 degrees Farenheit. A dog can withstand a body
temperature of 107 to 108 degrees Farenheit for only a very short time before suffering irreparable
brain damage -- or even death. The closed car interferes with the dog's normal cooling process, that is,
evaporation through panting.
"If your dog is overcome by heat exhaustion, you can give immediate first aid by immersing him or her
in cold water until body temperature is lowered."
life

life
Hickey on Husband's Neck Tells Truth Behind His Lie

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, when I was in the hospital for complications during my third
pregnancy, my husband walked into my hospital room with a large hickey on his neck. He reeked of
alcohol and was wearing the same clothes he had worn the night before. I looked him over and saw
another hickey -- only bigger -- on the other side of his neck.
I asked him where he got the hickeys and he said he didn't know what I was talking about, so I told him
to go look in the mirror, which he did. "Oh," he said innocently, "those aren't hickeys -- that happened
in a bar room scuffle. Some guy jabbed me with his elbow."
After my husband left the room, the woman in the next bed said with a knowing wink, "Hey, what
were you two doing behind those curtains?" When I asked her what she meant, she said she had seen a
big hickey on my husband's neck.
I have tried to just forget about it, but I can't. Abby, why is this still bugging me? -- CAN'T FORGET
DEAR CAN'T: It's bugging you because your husband lied to you and when you confronted him,
instead of admitting it -- he lied again.
You need to resolve this and put it behind you. If your husband values his marriage, he will get into
counseling with you. If he refuses, go without him. Your husband appears to have a lot of growing up
to do.
He also may have a drinking problem, and unless he changes his behavior and gets help, he could wake
up one day and discover that he has thrown away a good wife and three children.
life

DEAR ABBY: Car seating arrangements in America are usually automatically determined by the social
class of the people involved.
If one working-class couple picks up another couple, the husband and wife whose car it is will usually
sit in the front seat, and the guest husband and wife in the backseat.
Middle class: The two husbands sit in the front, the two wives in the back. Upper class: The woman
guest sits in the front passenger seat next to the host driver, while the hostess sits in the back with the
guest husband.
Abby, I believe that this pattern was discovered in a sociological research study that was done more
than 40 years ago. -- DONALD L. MIESEN, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR MR. MIESEN: Thank you for the input. I was not aware that this topic had been the subject of a
sociological study -- until several readers wrote to tell me so!
A reader from Butte, Mont., wrote to say that you could tell which political party they belonged to by
the seating arrangement: The Republicans usually sat with their wives, and the Democrats sat with the
other fellow's wife.
life

included.)
life
Sometimes, Cause of Death Is Cause for Public Concern

DEAR ABBY: How tragically ironic that your column advocating concealing the cause of death to
spare the feelings of the survivors appeared in the same issue of the Los Angeles Times as the obituary
of the famous actor, James Franciscus, dead of emphysema at 57. I am happy to report that Burt
Folkart's fine obituary plainly stated that Franciscus was a heavy smoker!
I tend to agree with your position -- with one glaring exception: When a prominent person dies of lung
cancer, emphysema, pneumonia, or any other smoking-related disease -- (Ed Murrow, Steve McQueen,
Yul Brynner, Nat Cole, Harry James, Lucille Ball, John Wayne, Zeppo Marx, Humphrey Bogart, Bette
Davis, Sammy Davis, et al -- the list is endless), to suppress the fact that the deceased was a nicotine
addict (as they almost always are), is to play into the hands of the cigarette manufacturers.
By the same token, juvenile criminals should always be identified, no matter how young. Perpetrators
of adult crimes should be treated like adults, not coddled by the news media.
Incidentally, I am a retired dentist who has always told my smoking patients to worry less about the
ugly brown stain on their teeth and more about the possibility of premature tobacco-caused death. --
MARVIN H. LEAF, D.D.S., LOS ANGELES
DEAR DR. LEAF: You said a mouthful.

life

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Jack," agreed to be the best man at the upcoming wedding of his friend,
"Alan."
Alan and I are acquainted, and he knows that Jack and I have been engaged for over a year. The
problem is that I did not get an invitation to the wedding. Some mutual friends got their invitation a
couple of weeks ago, so I know the invitations have already been sent out.
It is my understanding that the members of the wedding party should also be sent invitations as a
matter of courtesy -- but Alan and his bride-to-be have not done this.
Jack says that they probably just assume that I will also attend, because he will be the best man.
Abby, I would feel uncomfortable going to a wedding and reception to which I was not invited.
Also, I'm not sure it was an innocent oversight, because Alan has tried to set Jack up with other women
in the past, knowing full well he is engaged to me.
What should I do, if anything? -- SNUBBED
DEAR SNUBBED: Tell Jack that you are offended at having been "overlooked" -- and you'd feel more
welcome if you were to receive an invitation. And since the bride sends the invitations, she should be
reminded. But whether you receive a formal invitation or not, you'd be foolish to sit home while your
fiance is dancing at the wedding!
life

Plumber's Wife Flushes Out Payments Using
Caustic Pen
life

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago I had some plumbing done. Due to some financial troubles, I wasn't
able to pay the bill within 30 days.
Yesterday I received another bill with a note from the plumber's wife, who does his bookkeeping. It
read: "Jim does not expect to take this bill out in trade, so please remit!" And she signed her name.
I sent a check for the full amount and enclosed the following note: "I was not aware that your husband
was in the habit of taking his bills out in trade, but if he does, I feel very sorry for you." And I signed
my name.
My son saw the note from the plumber's wife to me and recommended that I take it to a lawyer and sue
the woman for slander.
What would you do? -- INSULTED
DEAR INSULTED: I would send her a get-well card. She is sick. (I would also let the plumber know
what kind of statements his wife is sending out with his statements.)
life

DEAR ABBY: I am writing about the number of girls who have written to you saying: "How can I get
a guy interested in me without having it look like I'm chasing him?"
First off, I am a 21-year-old college man who would like some reasonable answers to the following
questions:
1. Why can't a girl ask a guy out for a date? As a male, I would welcome girls who find me attractive
enough to ask me out. Believe me, Abby, I'm fairly attractive myself and get my share of dates, but I
see nothing wrong with girls being on an equal basis with men when it comes to the dating game.
2. Why can't a girl be the aggressive one if she so chooses?
3. Why is it "wrong" for a girl to pursue guys? -- I.W., BRONX, N.Y.
DEAR I.W.: Where have you been? Plenty of girls ask guys out. More girls ask guys "over," however,
because there is no tab to pick up, which takes the pressure off both of them.
And many girls ARE aggressors. They don't apologize for it. Nor should they. All relationships should
be based on honesty. And what's more disarming than having someone say, "I like you"? It doesn't
matter who says it first. Girls are people, and people shouldn't play games. They should express
themselves honestly, naturally and without embarrassment.
life

DEAR ABBY: I don't understand what you mean when you tell girls: "Save yourself for the man you
marry.
How does a girl know WHICH man she's going to marry? I have gone with five different guys at five
different times, and I thought I was going to marry all of them, but I'm still single.
Will you please explain what you mean? -- STILL SINGLE
DEAR SINGLE: I mean, save yourself for the man you marry -- not the man you MAY marry.
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO LUCY: It's not always better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at
all. It depends upon what you've lost.
life

life
Widow Needs Way to Shut Out Man Wanting to Move In

DEAR ABBY: I am a 61-year-old widow who is financially able to take care of myself. I have had a
man in my life for the past three years. We tried living together (at my place), but it didn't work out.
Right now he is broke and unemployed, so I have been paying for all of our activities -- dinners out,
trips, etc. He was just served with an eviction notice for non-payment of rent, and he wants to move in
with me again. I do get lonely at times, but with him here, it would spoil my chances of finding
someone else.
I feel bad for him, but he has caused his own problems. I find it difficult to say no. Abby, please give
me some words of wisdom before I make a big mistake. -- FLORIDA WIDOW
DEAR WIDOW: I see nothing wrong with a woman picking up the tab if she's better able to handle it
than the man. But since he has caused his own problems, that changes the betting.
Tell him, "No -- we tried living together and it didn't work." Then end the discussion before he tries to
persuade you to change your mind. There is something worse than occasional loneliness, dear lady, and
if you let him get his foot in the door, you'll find out what it is.
life

DEAR ABBY: I was both disgusted and saddened by a recent letter in your column from a woman
whose husband was in jail for his third drunk driving offense, and she didn't know how to tell their 6
1/2-year-old son.
She said her husband didn't steal anything, or commit a violent crime, and implied that he didn't belong
in jail because he really didn't do anything wrong. She whined about what a humiliating experience it
was for her and her family. Well, I have a message for her:
Lady, listen up, and listen good! The truth hurts, but you and your son will be better off if you face up
to it. Three drunk driving convictions point very strongly to alcoholism. By sheer luck, your husband is
not in jail for manslaughter. The next time he drives drunk, he may kill someone. It is miraculous that
he hasn't already.
You may not consider drunk driving a serious crime, but it is. Your husband needs HELP as well as jail
time. And YOU should start attending Al-Anon meetings as soon as you can, because from the tone of
your letter, you need help, too. You appear to be an "enabler." If you won't do it for yourself, then do it
for your son.
My life was almost ruined by an alcoholic stepparent. I saved myself through sheer determination and
help from Al-Anon and my church. You have a choice. -- BROKE THE CYCLE IN DALLAS
DEAR BROKE: Your suggestion that the wife start attending Al-Anon meetings is an excellent one.
(Al-Anon is listed in the white pages of most telephone books.) While her husband is serving his time,
it could give her a much-needed head start in learning how to break her own cycle of aiding, abetting
and enabling. Bravo!
life
UNWELCOME GUESTS ARE GIVEN 13 REASONS FOR

STAYING HOME
DEAR ABBY: The letter signed "Frustrated in Florida" really burned me up. "Frustrated" had a
married stepdaughter who lived out of state, and this nervy young woman invited another married
couple and their two children to accompany them to their home for six days!
Well, I have some suggestions for "Frustrated" if that stepdaughter should show up again with or
without her friends:
1. Have soiled sheets on the beds.
2. Have the fridge very low on food -- no snacks.
3. Undercook the eggs.
4. Scorch the beans (use an expendable pot).
5. Burn the potatoes.
6. Intrude on their private talks.
7. Bone up on some polite (?), classical insults, including references to moochers and deadbeats.
8. Get rough bathroom tissue.
9. Put out a short supply of cheap (very cheap) towels and washrags.
10. Lock the good sheets and towels away or "store" at a good friend's for a few days.
11. Don't wash the dishes; next mealtime exclaim, "Oh my, the dishes aren't washed. You ladies will
have to help me do them!"
12. Have the TVs out for repair.
13. Don't pay to put those sorry bums up at a motel -- let them rent their own rooms.
If these steps don't get rid of them -- fumigate! -- A MEAN OLD EX-FARMER FROM KANSAS
life

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine who lives in Phoenix lost her wallet while she was shopping one
Saturday. The next day she got a telephone call from a man who told her he had found her wallet in a
garbage can in a small town 20 miles from Phoenix. He said there was no money in the wallet, but her
checkbook and credit cards were intact.
My friend offered to drive down to get it (she's 75 years old), but the man insisted that she "allow him
the pleasure" of returning it to her Monday morning on his way to work. She was very grateful.
Naturally, she didn't report her credit cards lost or stolen. You can guess the end of the story -- the
wallet was never returned, and she was out over $4,000 between the credit charges and checks that
were cashed. Abby, please warn your readers so they can protect themselves against scams like this. --
ELLEN
DEAR ELLEN: Thanks for telling your friend's sad story as a warning to others. Readers, should your
credit cards be out of your possession (stolen, lost or misplaced) -- report the loss immediately!
life

Mom's New Marriage Is Split by Daughter's
Spite
life

DEAR ABBY: Judy and I have been married for one month, and I have already filed for divorce. This
is the second marriage for both of us.
The problem is Judy's 16-year-old daughter, Lynne. Lynne told her mother that if she stayed married to
me, she'd go live with her father. Judy doesn't want Lynne to live with her father because he drinks.
Also, Lynne threatened to get pregnant just for spite.
Judy insists that she loves me. She says she doesn't want a divorce and the solution would be for me to
move out and get a separate apartment near here for two years until Lynne is 18.
Abby, I love Judy more than any woman I've ever known, but what kind of marriage would we have
living in separate apartments?
Please tell me what to do. -- UNHAPPY IN VIRGINIA
DEAR UNHAPPY: Move out. But as long as you love Judy, don't push for a divorce until you are
positive that you really want one. Lynne is blackmailing her mother, who can't be blamed for doing
what she thinks is best for her daughter. Both the daughter and mother need counseling. I recommend
it.
life

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been invited to a wedding. My husband is unable to attend, so I
am taking my 16-year-old cousin. She does not know the bride.
At the last four weddings this cousin attended, she caught the bride's bouquet. Maybe I should tell you
that she is a very large and athletic girl who is fast on her feet.
I feel that because she is only 16 and has already caught four bouquets, she should not make an all-out
effort to catch this one.
Don't you think she should give the bride's friends and relatives a chance to catch the bouquet? -- NO
BOUQUETS FOR NORA
DEAR NO BOUQUETS: If you want to risk telling a "large, athletic girl who's fast on her feet" what
to do, go ahead.
life

DEAR ABBY: I knew when I married my husband that his first love would always be horses. I never
minded being second to a horse, but now I think a female biped has put me in third place.
This woman is not married. She has horses of her own and she relies on my husband for help and
advice about her horses. They seem to spend a lot of time together. I am invited to join them, but what
fun is there for me when there is nothing but horse talk?
People who know her say that she has no women friends, enjoys the company of men, but doesn't want
the responsibilities of marriage.
I love my husband too much to leave him, but I was much happier before this horsey dame came along.
My husband keeps telling me that I have nothing to worry about, but for the first time in my life I am
jealous. Please tell me what to do. -- THIRD PLACE
DEAR THIRD: Take it from the horse's mouth, your husband is probably just feeling his oats. Turn the
twosome into a trio, brush up on your knowledge of horses, and you may win by a nose.
life

life
Man Still Mama's Boy Even After Her Death

DEAR ABBY: I am a 55-year-old woman with a problem I've never seen in your column.
I have been going with this man for six years. He is 43, and he says he can't marry me because he
promised his mama before she died three years ago that he wouldn't get married until his daddy got
married, as she didn't want his daddy to be left all alone. His daddy hasn't got anybody to marry, and he
isn't even looking.
Abby, I am no spring chicken, and I need to know how I can get this man either to let me quit him or
marry me. -- NO SPRING CHICKEN IN ADA, OKLA.
DEAR NO: Only a dumb cluck would coop herself up waiting for her boyfriend's daddy to marry. Get
another rooster on the roster.
life

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with Don for two years. I am 22 and he is 25.
I hear girls at the office talking about bringing covered dishes to family gatherings, going to his folks'
or hers for dinner, or for the weekend or the holidays, and I get more heartsick every day.
I've begun to realize what marriage is all about. It's really belonging to someone who loves you enough
to want to make you a member of his family.
Don is always telling me what a wonderful arrangement we have and how much he loves me.
The past several months, I've been asking myself: "If it's so wonderful and he loves me so much, why
do we lie, sneak around and let people assume we are married?"
Why doesn't he ask me to marry him and become a member of his family? They don't even know I
exist. -- HEARTSICK
DEAR HEARTSICK: Because he doesn't want a legal commitment. And if he is able to get all the
benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities, who can blame him? I am assuming he didn't
kidnap you. You agreed to live with him without marriage. You walked into it of your own free will,
and you're free to walk out. Why don't you? I think you're ready.
life

DEAR ABBY: When I first heard about topless swimsuits for girls, I thought it was just a lot of talk,
but yesterday I actually saw one for sale in a store!
If women would consider wearing a topless swimsuit in public, we have reached a new low in our
civilization -- even lower than the decadence that preceded the fall of the Roman empire.
Topless swimsuits? Have we lost all sense of decency? Who cares if we are bombed back to the Stone
Age? What's left to save? -- MOTHER OF GIRLS
DEAR MOTHER: The bottoms.

life

life
COUPLE'S SNORE WAR IS CAUSING SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

DEAR ABBY: My husband says that I snore, but I know I don't. One thing I know for certain is that
HE snores; and if I don't fall asleep before he does, I am up all night. He tells me that he is up all night
because of MY snoring, which is ridiculous because if he were up, he wouldn't be keeping me up with
his snoring.
How can we find out the truth? Don't suggest we have a third party sleep with us, as I am very old-
fashioned. -- HATTIE
DEAR HATTIE: Buy, rent or borrow a tape recorder and turn it on when you both retire. Whoever is
awake while the other is snoring should say, "I am awake, so YOU must be snoring!" And that should
settle it!
life

DEAR ABBY: My problem is a husband who thinks he's funny. I had a very nice dinner party at home
the other night and was especially proud of the way everything turned out.
Well, when the guests were leaving, my husband said, "Come back soon because the only time I get a
decent meal around here is when we have company." Everybody laughed, but I wanted to crawl into a
hole.
He said that once before and it got a big laugh, so he pulled it again.
In the first place, Abby, it's not true. I pride myself on always feeding my family very well. I told him
later I didn't think that crack was very funny, but he said, "I was only kidding."
Is there a clever retort I could use in case my husband the comic says that again? -- TICKED OFF IN
TULSA
DEAR TICKED: You could say (only kidding, of course), "The only time my ever lovin' Scrooge gives
me money for fancy groceries is when we have company."
life

DEAR ABBY: You had a letter in your column about people who were always mooching rides, and
these moochers were called "schnorrers."
I would like to know where that term came from. We are one of the 200 families in the United States
with the name of "Schnorr," and we object to the use of our name with such a meaning.
We hope that the Schnorr families in Oregon, New Mexico, Illinois and all other states feel as we do
and that you get 199 more letters of protest. -- THE SCHNORRS OF ARIZONA
DEAR SCHNORRS: The verb "to beg" is "schnorren" in German. From it comes the noun "schnorrer"
-- which means "a beggar, a panhandler, a moocher, a cheapskate, a chiseler, a bum, a drifter or a
borrower." It can also mean a compulsive bargain hunter, bargainer or an impudent indigent.
The above information was "schnorred" (borrowed without permission) from "The Joys of Yiddish" --
a delightful and authoritative book written by Leo Rosten.
life

included.
For Release; Sunday, August 25, 1991
life

LOVE MEANS MORE THAN SEX TO AMERICAN INDIAN COUPLES
DEAR ABBY: When a reader asked you if Indian men were superior to white men in the art of
lovemaking, you suggested that he contact the Bureau of Indian Affairs or the American Indian
Movement.
As the executive director of the American Indian Movement, I feel it is my duty to respond.
For the Indian, "love" does not begin when the lights go out or when pot or liquor is consumed, and it
is not confined to the bedroom or any other hidden place.
The way in which the Indian treats his wife throughout the marriage is the key to making him a
superior lover. His daily acts of kindness, consideration and respect for her demonstrate his love.
While we recognize that the sex act may send man's mind afloat for a few fleeting moments, it is but a
minute part of the overall act of love.
The above code of behavior plus the Indian's respect for women have been passed down from father to
son. I personally have 15 children and am an Ojibway Indian.
Very truly yours, DENNIS J. BANKS
DEAR ABBY: May I answer "Ed in East Illinois," who asked: "Is it true that closely guarded tribal
secrets on how to please a woman are passed down from father to son, making Indians better lovers
than white men?"
First the white man took all the Indian's land and some of his women. Now they want the Indian's
"love secrets." No way! The Indian needs something to call his own. -- HALF-BLOODED INDIAN
DEAR ABBY: Now I know why the Lone Ranger never got the girl. They all ended up with Jay
Silverheels, that good-looking Indian who played Tonto. -- SEMINOLE IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: Tell "Ed," "Yes, there are many closely guarded, secret Indian lovemaking tricks." You
will notice that divorce is very rare among Indians. That's because they know how to please their
women.
Secrets like the "Apache grip" and the "Kickapoo twist" will never be sold or given away by a true
Indian. -- MIKE WHITEFEATHER IN SEATTLE
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Ed in East Illinois": I have lived with a Mandan Indian for five years,
and I wouldn't trade him for FIVE white lovers. He is the greatest! -- LINDA IN MARYLAND
DEAR ABBY: I am one-half Indian and have had two Indian squaws, who both ran off with white
men. Apparently the "closely guarded secrets" of lovemaking from the Indian side of my family were
not passed on to me. -- LONELY WOLF IN HOUSTON
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO "WILLIE IN WACO": Yes, there are plenty of dangers. Sometimes just the
thought of getting into hot water keeps a guy clean.
life

life
Husband's 'I' Disease May Be Beyond Cure

DEAR ABBY: My problem may seem small to some, but to me it's very important. My husband and I
have been married for more than 30 years, during which time he has been a good husband and
provider. He has only one fault, which really irritates me. He surely must take vitamin "I" because
that's his favorite word.
When he talks about a trip we took together, he says, "When I went to Yosemite," or he'll say, "I have a
grandson" or, "I own some land." He talks as though he doesn't have a wife. I may as well be dead. It
makes me feel so small and insignificant. It's terribly humiliating.
Is it wrong to feel hurt about this? Don't suggest that I talk to my husband. I have, and it's done no
good. -- HURT
DEAR HURT: Your husband's overdose of vitamim "I" has probably become addictive by now, but if
he's a good man, he'll make a conscious effort to avoid hurting you. Remind him that vitamin "WE" is
good for marriage, and ask him to leave vitamin "I" on the shelf for a while.
life

DEAR ABBY: In a courtship between a woman 65 and a man 67, who should offer the first kiss?
Please don't think this is a joke. It isn't. I am a widow and he is a widower, and we are getting very
close to where I will need the answer to the above question.
If he should make the first move in that direction, I want to know if I should act coy, or should I
respond? Or am I the one who should make the advance to let him know I am not adverse to a romantic
relationship? (I am not, but I don't want to push for it.)
Women used to sit back and let the men make all the overtures, but perhaps women's lib has changed
all that. Or has it? -- PROPER BUT PUZZLED
DEAR PUZZLED: If you feel like kissing him, go ahead and kiss him. He'll probably meet you
halfway and beat you to the finish line.
life

DEAR ABBY: I feel just terrible. A friend of ours brought a young woman over for us to meet. (His
wife died about a year ago.)
She was very loud, talkative and bossy, which was disappointing to us because we knew his first wife,
who was a real lady.
The following day, the man came over alone and asked us what we thought of his lady friend. We told
him the truth.
Well, you guessed it. They are being married, and we are not invited to the reception!
Were we wrong in being honest? My husband thinks we were. -- CAN'T LIE
DEAR CAN'T: Honesty is always the best policy, but you should know that no man wants an honest
opinion of a horse after he's bought it.
life

life
Woman Can't Stop Loving, Even if Marriage Is Through

DEAR ABBY: I need help and don't know where to turn anymore.
My husband and I have been separated for more than two years. I still love him, but there is no chance
of our getting back together again.
Abby, how do you stop loving somebody? I've been going to group therapy meetings, but it has not
helped to stop the ache in my heart. Misery may love company, but it doesn't make me feel any better.
Maybe a reader who has gone through the same thing can give me some suggestions. -- ACHING
HEART
DEAR ACHING: You can't "kill" love. It has to die by itself. Don't dwell on thoughts of him, and
throw out all the reminders and souvenirs.
Force yourself to think of something else. Keep busy, and don't feel sorry for yourself. Tell yourself
you deserve to be happy, and eventually you will be. Good luck.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a baby who is learning to feed himself. I am almost positive that
Terry is left-handed because when I put the spoon in his right hand, he transfers it to his left and
proceeds eating that way.
My husband says I should train Terry to be right-handed because everything is geared for right-handed
people and the boy will be handicapped if he's left-handed. Now my husband is forcing Terry to eat
with his right hand.
What do your experts say? -- YOUNG MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: My experts say to let the child eat with whichever hand he wants to. To force Terry
to use his right hand when he is naturally left-handed could create many more problems than it solves.
Besides, what's the difference which hand he eats with? His mouth is in the middle.
life

DEAR ABBY: I and several friends have hit upon an idea for losing weight, as far out as it may seem.
We pull our shades down, lock the door, and then clean house in the NUDE.
We noticed overweight women do NOT tend to look at themselves in mirrors as much as more slender
women. Well, in cleaning house (which is itself exercise) we force ourselves to look at our bodies. Our
only rule is, try to keep the stomach muscles pulled in while cleaning. It's hard at first. But actually
seeing the muscles tightened helps one to keep them taut after the body is clothed.
Most of us have mirrors in every room. As we go from room to room cleaning, we can't help but come
face-to-face with ourselves. This may sound crazy, but I promise it works if done in earnest. --
"AUSTIN"
DEAR "AUSTIN": Now, in addition, if you could arrange to watch yourselves EAT, you might have it
made. (P.S. And should you decide to cook in the nude, do wear an apron while frying bacon.)
life

included.)
Dear Abby: John and I Were Married in 1970.
It Was the Second Time Around for Both of Us.
Because of Interfering Relatives, Including
Eight Children and in-Laws on Both Sides, Who
Did Everything They Could to Break Up Our
Marriage, We Were Divorced Three
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Despite all the unpleasantness, we forgave each other and continued what has always been a
wonderfully loving relationship. We are in our mid-50s and feel ridiculous sneaking around to be
together.
John says, "Let's say to heck with everything, sell our houses, move 1,000 miles away from all the
relatives and enjoy the years we have left!"
Neither of us has to work, and our financial situation is good. Should I put myself first for once in my
life and remarry John? Or keep up a house for my remaining unmarried daughter? -- TORN
DEAR TORN: Your John is a man after my own heart. Remarry him and move away from both your
families. Don't worry about your unmarried daughter. She's probably due to leave the nest soon
anyway. Enjoy your lives. It's always later than you think.
life

DEAR ABBY: When I travel, I like to take my dog with me, which presents a problem because not all
hotels allow dogs.
I recently stopped at a hotel where I was made welcome with my pet, and I saw this framed "notice"
hanging in the lobby. It tickled me, and if it tickles you, maybe you'll run it in your column.
"Dogs are welcome in this hotel. We never had a dog that smoked in bed and set fire to the blankets.
We never had a dog who stole our towels, played the TV too loud or had a noisy fight with his
traveling companion. We never had a dog that got drunk and broke up the furniture. So if your dog can
vouch for you, you're welcome, too." -- DOG LOVER
DEAR DOG LOVER: I've been tickled by a version of that notice, but in case some readers haven't, I'll
run it. Thanks for a well-deserved tribute to man's best friend.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband went on a 10-day business trip recently, and he wrote me three letters. He
addressed the first one to "Mary Smith," the second to "Mrs. Mary Smith" and the third to "Ms. Mary
Smith."
I have a friend who studies psychology, and she told me that my husband's addressing me as he did --
carefully avoiding using "Mrs. John Smith" -- was his way of "de-wifing" me.
I should add that when my husband returned from the trip, he was as affectionate and loving as ever,
and he certainly didn't "de-wife" me then.
What do you think of my friend's theory? -- PERPLEXED
DEAR PERPLEXED: Not much. And if I were you, I would "de-friend" her.
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life
DEAD WIFE'S MEMORY HAUNTS MAN'S ROMANCE

WITH WIDOW

DEAR ABBY: I met a very attractive, eligible widower last winter, and we've been keeping steady
company since.
My only complaint is the way he keeps talking all the time about Mildred, his deceased wife. I never
talk about my deceased husband. Outside of that, he is a decent man, and we get along just fine.
He has asked to marry me, but this is the way he proposed to me: "How would you like to take
Mildred's place?" -- UNDECIDED
DEAR UNDECIDED: If he has a sense of humor, tell him that since Mildred is in the cemetery, you
don't want to take her place. But if he wants a new life and a new wife, you'll consider it -- providing
he quits talking about Mildred.
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DEAR ABBY: Our 24-year-old son is engaged to a beautiful but spoiled 21-year-old girl. She has
broken two engagements (one after the wedding invitations were mailed), and now she has asked our
son for more time to "think things over." Meanwhile, the invitations are supposed to go out next
Monday.
We have counseled with our minister, and he is all for letting her "think it over," but our son is trying to
talk her into going through with the wedding on the scheduled date.
Her parents are no help at all and are pushing for the wedding as planned because they would like to
get this spoiled, flighty girl married and out of the house. Also, they are very fond of our son.
What should we do? -- DETROIT DILEMMA
DEAR DILEMMA: I agree with your minister. I would give the bride all the time she needs to think it
over. There are worse things than a late wedding. And one of them is an early divorce.
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DEAR ABBY: I know the libraries are full of books on the subject, but you seem able to put so much
into a few words. What makes some kids good and some bad? In other words, is there a formula for
raising good kids? Is it heredity or environment? -- TRYING HARD
DEAR TRYING: That battle has been going on for a long time, but I'm inclined to be on the side of
environment.
All kids need discipline. ("Discipline" does not mean punishment; it means "teaching.") Kids need to
know how far they can go. And they don't really want everything they ask for.
Reward them when they're good, and deprive them of something they enjoy when they misbehave.
I don't believe in hitting a child. A little slap on the wrist (just enough to hurt his dignity) is all right.
However, hitting a child hard enough to hurt him physically may rid you of YOUR hostilities, but it
will only teach the child that violence is the answer to all conflicts.
Don't ever tell a child he's "bad." If he misbehaves, tell him you do not like what he DID; don't tell him
you don't like HIM.
Give a child lots of love, and when he comes to you with a confession, don't be too hard on him.
life

life
Men Who Wear Earrings Feel Their Ears Burning

DEAR ABBY: A Montana wife asked you why her husband suddenly started to wear a tiny gold
earring in his left ear. (She asked him and he refused to tell her.) You said you didn't know, but if she
ever found out, to let you know.
I'm surprised that you didn't know, Abby. It means that he has become a member of the gay
community. -- HEP IN OAKLAND
DEAR ABBY: That Montana husband probably wears a gold earring in his left ear for the same reason
I have a gold tooth in front with a ruby in it. I like it! -- AN INDIVIDUAL
DEAR INDIVIDUAL: I'm with you. A person's right to be himself is one of our cherished freedoms,
so why should a person have to "explain" his reason for it? It's HIS ear and HIS business, and as far as
I know, wearing an earring is neither immoral nor illegal. But there seems to be a variety of opinions.
Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a man who had his ears pierced four years ago, and you wouldn't believe the static
I've had from people because of one little speck of gold the size of a pinhead!
I've been accused of being a homosexual, a latent transvestite and just plain weird. I assure you I am as
average as most men.
I attend college and see more and more macho guys wearing earrings on campus. I don't know if there
is any significance to wearing only one earring in the left ear. I wear mine there because I am right-
handed and it's easier to put on. My buddy wears one in his right ear because it's not seen by the police
if he's stopped for a traffic violation. Sign me ... PIERCED AND PROUD
DEAR ABBY: A sailor who has sailed three years on the coast of China wears a gold ring in his left ear
to prove that he has been there. -- RETIRED CAPTAIN, AGE 80
DEAR ABBY: Men have worn earrings for centuries -- Shakespeare, Rembrandt and King James II, to
name a few of the more prominent of them.
Ancient Greeks and Romans borrowed the custom from the Persian and Indian men. Our own
American Indian braves also wore earrings. And how about the early African warriors? And the
pirates?
Men wore earrings long before women did, so why all the ruckus? -- LIVE AND LET LIVE
DEAR ABBY: According to an ancient Chinese belief, the wearing of an earring in the left ear
symbolizes that that person's life has been endangered, and to prevent a recurrence, an earring is worn.
It is supposedly protection against bad luck. -- AUDREY IN SINGAPORE
DEAR ABBY: A man wears a gold earring in his left ear to let the world know that he has crossed the
equator. -- OLD MARINER
DEAR ABBY: I am a man who wears a little gold earring in my left ear because of my religion.
I am a Buddist, and all Buddists wear one gold earring -- and always in the left ear.
I am surprised you didn't know that, Abby. -- A BUDDIST
DEAR BUDDHIST: And if you are really a Buddhist, I am surprised that you don't know how to spell
"Buddhist."
life

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do -- Even When
You're 11
life

DEAR ABBY: I am going steady with a girl on my block. She's 10 and I'm 11. She gave me her I.D.
bracelet, and I gave her my frog. She has gotten very bossy lately, and I would like to break off with
her. How should I go about it? -- ALLEN
DEAR ALLEN: Return her I.D. bracelet and tell her you don't want to go steady anymore. Then ask
for your frog. But hurry before the frog croaks.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old boy who was able to graduate from high school early because I
passed the required tests. My problem is I need to get a job, but nobody will hire me because I have
had no experience. Abby, how can a person get experience if nobody will hire him?
I am a responsible, hard-working boy who has never been in any kind of trouble, and I'm willing to do
anything -- run errands, wait on tables, sweep the floors, answer the phone, box groceries -- you name
it. And if I don't know how to do it, I will learn.
So far I have applied for 22 jobs, but nothing has materialized.
Abby, how can a person without pull or connections get a job? I'm beginning to think it's impossible. --
DISCOURAGED
DEAR DISCOURAGED: Go back to some of the places you've applied and tell them that you are
honest, dependable, hard-working and so eager to prove your worth that you'll work for one week with
no obligation on their part, and if they feel you don't qualify, they owe you nothing.
You may not be hired instantly, but I'll bet your name goes to the top of the list.
life

DEAR ABBY: I hope you will take time to give me your opinion on a problem that involves two
partners in a small business.
Partner A bought a $100 ticket to a charity ball with company funds, a normal procedure. The day of
the ball, partner A asked partner B if he would like to use the ticket. Partner B said no. Partner A
offered it to others. No takers. At the last minute, partner A decided to go himself.
The ticket was the winning number. It won $4,000!
Partner A insists the money is his. Partner B thinks it should be split 50-50. What do you think? -- P.R.
DEAR P.R.: If partner A, with the knowledge and consent of partner B, invested company funds in an
oil well, and it brought in a million-dollar gusher, wouldn't partner B be entitled to half the proceeds?
The same principle applies.
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included.)
life
Debate on College Degree Pits Mother Against Son

DEAR ABBY: Our middle son, Andy, is a very intelligent young man of 19. He went to college for one
year just to please us, then he quit, saying, "I don't want to waste any more of my time and your
money."
His grades were fine, but he says he prefers working with his hands. He's now enrolled in a trade
school and we're so disappointed in him!
I'm not putting down people who work with their hands, Abby, but it seems to me that people who
work with their hands do so because they aren't smart enough to work with their minds.
Andy's father is a professional man, and both of Andy's brothers plan to enter professions.
Please say in your column that a college degree is absolutely necessary these days. After Andy
graduates from college he can do anything he chooses, but we desperately want him to have a college
degree first. -- ANDY'S MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: I disagree. College is NOT for everybody. If Andy prefers to work with his hands,
that's what he should do.
It's not true that people work with their hands because they aren't smart enough to work with their
minds. Some handwork requires more skill, talent and know-how than many professions. You do your
son a tremendous disservice by telling him he's "disappointed you" and urging him to go to college.
Change your tune.
life

DEAR ABBY: I just read in a local newspaper that a clergyman urges a ban on babies attending
church. After what happened at our church last Sunday, I have to agree with him.
Today, parents dress up their kids real cute and take them to church to show them off, but they don't
discipline them.
One little girl about 18 months old did everything but swing from the chandelier, and all her mother did
was "shush" her by putting her fingers to her lips. Her brother (about 8) kept stirring her up by poking
her, and the mother just gave him a few dirty looks.
Another child sitting behind me kept trying to grab my earrings. When I turned around and glared, her
mother just smiled. At one point, when announcements were made over the loudspeaker, there was so
much commotion from kids yelling that no one could hear the announcements.
The minister was disgusted, but he didn't have the courage to say anything. He should have told the
mothers of those unruly children to take them to the bathroom and give them a good learning
experience!
What do you think? I am ... HOPPING MAD IN POCATELLO, IDAHO
DEAR HOPPING: I think you're right. Parents who love their children discipline them. And contrary
to common belief, "to discipline" does not mean "to punish." It means "to teach."
life

life
Counseling Saves Self-Esteem as Well as Woman's Marriage

DEAR ABBY: May I second your excellent recommendation to "Nervous Wreck," whose bull-headed
husband refused marriage counseling, was walking all over her, and was teaching her son to do the
same?
We had a similar situation at our house. I finally sought counseling alone because my husband not only
refused to go with me but also tried to talk me out of it.
Several sessions with a psychiatrist relieved my depression, and at the doctor's suggestion I signed up
for a course in assertiveness at a nearby mental health clinic.
Well, Abby, our marriage is on an entirely different footing now. In counseling I was treated as a
rational, sensitive person whose feelings are important, and I came to view myself that way.
Because I changed, my family's reactions toward me did, too. They found that I would firmly reject
disrespectful attitudes and actions and that I demanded my rights in any situation.
My husband now seems like a different man, and we are both 100 percent happier. As for me, I'm ...
NO LONGER A WRECK
DEAR NO LONGER: Thank you for supporting my constant recommendation to "get counseling." To
some it may sound like a broken record; to others, a cop-out. Mental health clinics across the nation
continue to provide lifesaving support for troubled people at a price everyone can afford to pay. If your
marriage is in trouble and your mate refuses counseling -- go alone!
life

DEAR ABBY: Some people seem to think that just because we have a large family, our yard is a public
playground.
At this moment I have 16 kids playing ball in my back yard, and only seven of them are mine. My
problem is that the kids aren't allowed to play in other yards because they ruin the grass and fall in the
flowers. I really don't mind, but it wouldn't hurt some of the other parents to let the kids play in their
yard once in a while.
At night, the kids ask me to turn on my yard lights so they can play after supper. The yelling and the
screaming can be heard for blocks.
When, oh when, will I have peace and quiet again? -- MOM WITH PUBLIC PLAYGROUND
DEAR MOM: Too soon. Count your blessings, Mom. You're lucky your children are occupied in a
healthy, wholesome sport. You don't have to worry about where they are, what they're doing and with
whom. Anybody can raise grass. It takes special people to raise children.
life

DEAR ABBY: While in church, I saw a woman put a $5 bill in the collection plate and take back $4. Is
that considered proper etiquette? -- CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: Why not? God knows she put in $5.

life

DOG IS STUNG BY NEXT-DOOR
NEIGHBOR'S CARELESSNESS
life

Dear Abby | September 3rd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 3
DEAR ABBY: I recently found my 6-month-old puppy prostrate, limp and glassy-eyed. She was barely
able to lift her head and had difficulty breathing.
I rushed her to the vet, who treated her for shock due to multiple bee stings. She was so toxic, she
developed severe hepa�titis. Had it not been for the expert care of the veterinarian, my puppy would
have died.
She had been stung by a bee a month before, which sensitized her to bee stings. I later discovered that
my next-door neighbor had been keeping beehives in her back yard! I had no idea how long, since she
has a high fence.
This came as a surprise to her other neighbors, too, since according to our city's code, one must have
the written permission of one's neighbors to keep bees in a residential area, and none of us had ever
been asked. I informed the regulatory agency of my city government, and they promised to conduct an
investigation.
Abby, I have no animosity against beekeepers, but they should respect the ordinances relating to
keeping bees in a residential area.
I just spent $800 for dog care as the result of my neighbor's thoughtlessness. Abby, please remind your
readers that animals can be just as allergic to insect stings as people -- with just as dire consequences. -
- STUNG IN PHOENIX
DEAR STUNG: If it's any consolation, the honeybee stings only once and then it dies. I'm no lawyer,
but I think you have a honey of a case against your bee-keeping neighbor.
life
Dear Abby for September 03, 1991

DEAR ABBY: I would like to air a pet peeve, not only my own but for many friends who are also
divorced single mothers.
"Daddy" just called to talk to Junior again. His calls are infrequent, and since he lives out of town,
always long- distance. Rather than say, "Hi, Betty, this is Jim; may I talk with Junior?" He says, "Is
Junior home?"
Daddy has been out of my life for a number of years, and I don't always recognize his voice. These
calls always catch me off guard, and I'm left wondering who wants to talk to my son without
identifying himself first.
Junior was the result of love at one time, and he is the product of the woman his father hasn't the
common decency to say "Hello" to -- �never mind a courteous, "How are you?"
Junior loves and respects Mom, so why can't Daddy at least acknowledge her existence, and exercise
the same good manners he presumably adopts when he calls his doctor's office for an appoint�ment,
or his girlfriend at her place of work, or his insurance agent?
It's such a small gesture in light of so many hurts after a divorce, and would show a modicum of
maturity and promote good will where there is all too often no opportunity elsewhere for genuine
communication.
If you print this, millions of single divorced moms will be grateful; in my own small circle, this
complaint is universal. You may sign this "Betty," or ... VISIBLE, STILL BREATHING AND
RAISING YOUR CHILD
DEAR BETTY: Here's your letter, which may also apply to some Suzies, Jennifers and a whole flock
of Lindas.
If only one daddy is jolted into saying "Hello" to his former wife when he calls to speak to their child,
then your efforts, my time and this space will not have been wasted.
life

life
America's True Patriots Do More Than Wave the Flag

Dear Abby | September 2nd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 3
DEAR ABBY: During the recent surge of patriotism, I have seen many T-shirts proclaiming support for
U.S. troops in the Persian Gulf, American dominance and victory.
I think there are many better ways to support our country and our troops than simply by putting a
message on a T-shirt to tell every�body you love your country.
For starters, don't litter on the land you are proud of; keep it beautiful by picking up trash.
If you are a student, study hard so you will be able to help your country compete in the world market.
If you are employed, do a good job, and don't cheat your employer. Don't shoplift; it puts retailers out
of business and hurts the economy.
If you are a defense contractor, don't cheat the government -- �regardless of how easy they make it.
Write letters to your legislators telling them your views. How can they represent you if they don't know
what you want? You can bet that foreign interests and special interests are telling Congress what THEY
want.
Everyone who has the right to vote should vote. It's a privilege.
Read the newspapers and watch the news to keep up on current events so you'll know what's going on.
Unless we want our servicepeople returning to the Middle East, we must learn to conserve energy and
reduce our oil dependence. Some ways to do this are to "Drive 55," carpool, select fuel-efficient cars
and do not waste electricity.
Or is all of the above too much trouble? (It's a lot easier to wear a T-shirt.)
I realize this letter may be too long to print, but I hope you will print at least part of it if you agree with
me. -- NORTH CAROLINA PATRIOT
DEAR PATRIOT: I'm printing all of it. It takes more than hoisting a flag or donning a T-shirt to show
patriotism for one's country. Thanks for a dandy letter.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am 22 years of age and have been married three and a half years. Lately I have felt
that my husband is acting cold toward me. We just had a talk about this and he said, "Maybe marriage
isn't for me," and, "Maybe we got married too young," and, "Maybe after being with you for eight
months, I realize what being married to you is really like." (My husband is in the Navy, and this is the
first time we have spent so much time together.) Yet, he also claims that he loves me.
For the past two or three months, we have been trying to start a family. This was his idea. It is hard for
me to understand how a person can feel the way he says he feels and still want to start a family. His
reply was, "Maybe what we need is a baby."
Abby, isn't this the wrong solution to our problem? -- CONFUSED IN LONG BEACH
DEAR CONFUSED: Yes. Children should be brought into this world because they are wanted, not to
serve as glue to hold a troubled marriage together. What you and your husband "need" to save your
marriage is to discuss his reaction to your eight months of together�ness with a professional
counselor. Then decide if you are ready to have a family.
A baby is a lifelong responsibility, not a cure for an ailing marriage.

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included.)
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Husband Behind Wheel Is Driving Wife Crazy

Dear Abby | September 1st, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: My problem is my husband's driving. Whenever another motorist breaks one of the
highway courtesy rules and cuts in front of my husband, or passes him when another car is coming in
the opposite direction, my husband has to get back at him. He'll pull up real close to him, or he'll
immediately pass him to let him know that he is not going to let him get away with anything.
Sometimes he doesn't like the way a truck driver is driving, so he'll start playing games with him. I get
scared half to death and beg him not to take such foolish chances, but he insists that he's going to
"teach them a lesson."
We've had a few minor scrapes and several close calls, but nothing really serious yet. He argues that he
is a safe driver, but to me, that's not safe.
What's the matter with this 33-year-old baby? How can I make him realize that that kind of driving is
not safe? -- WORRIED IN OREGON
DEAR WORRIED: Part of my definition for maturity is ... "the ability to bear an injustice without
wanting to get even." Your husband isn't mature. Just keep on nagging him to let the other guy have the
road -- unless he's trying to beat him to the cemetery, and take you with him.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am 29 years old, have seven kids and am pregnant again. I've never been married, but
I've been engaged twice and I've been pinned several times. Don't tell me I should have been more
careful because I WAS careful, but nothing seemed to work with me.
A doctor put me on birth control pills and I followed his instructions, but I turned up pregnant anyway.
The dcotor said it must have been the fault of the pills, so he put me on another brand, and the same
thing happened.
I've used other methods including marking the calendar, but they all failed. I must be one of those
super fertile types.
I don't want any more kids after this, at least not until I get married, but I don't want an operation to
make me sterile because I might meet a guy who wants a kid of his own, and then what will I do?
Is there a method of birth control that is positively sure? Don't send me to a doctor. They're the ones
who got me into this fix. -- FERTILE MYRTLE
DEAR MYRTLE: When it comes to birth control, the only method that's 100 percent effective is self-
control.
You don't say who's supporting all those kids, but if we taxpayers are, you owe it to your country to
visit the Planned Parenthood people and turn off that baby machine.
life

DEAR ABBY: I have two big, good-looking sons. One is 16 and the other is 18, and they've been
fighting each other ever since they were old enough to swing their arms.
The 18-year-old just bought a car and drove past his brother walking down the road, and he wouldn't
even stop to give him a ride.
The 16-year-old, who's as big as his brother, keeps his clothes in better shape, so the older one helps
himself to his kid brother's clothes without asking.
The boys fight and cuss each other out like a couple of mule skinners. Why can't they act like brothers?
-- WEST VIRGINIA MOM
DEAR MOM: They do. Cain and Abel.

life

Single Mom Fears Having a Child She Doesn't
Want
life

Dear Abby | September 6th, 1991 | Letter 1 of 3
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 7-month-old daughter, and another child is due in December. My
husband and I were married last January and now we are being divorced. I'll be 21 in October, and I am
terrified of being a single mother with two children, not to mention the fact that my husband has paid
only $50 in child support. Clothes, food and diapers cost a lot of money.
Abby, this second child was a complete shock, and I'm not sure I really want it. I have no feelings for
it. Am I making sense? I feel as though my world has no meaning except for my family, the child I
have and myself. I don't know what to do.
I have dreams of how I could hurt myself badly enough to kill this child inside. I wish I wasn't
pregnant, but I don't believe in abortion and I couldn't give it up for adoption.
Mom tells me I will have feelings for this baby when it begins to grow. Has anyone ever said this to
you before? I will care for it, but I'm afraid that I will never love this baby. Scary, huh? What should I
do? Help! -- SCARED IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR SCARED: If you are having dreams about how you can "hurt" yourself enough to be rid of the
baby you say you may never love, cannot support, and did not want in the first place -- please talk with
a professional counselor or a clergyperson about giving the child up. There are many couples waiting
(and praying) for a child to adopt. They would love and provide for it in a way that you can�not.
Please consider that option. You need not feel guilty for facing reality. I think you are sensible and
courageous. I wish you well.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a delivery driver for a major pizza restaurant in Atchison, Kan. I've seen all kinds
of things while delivering pizza, but one thing I've seen often, worries me.
Many adults send their small children to answer the door and pay for the pizza. I've had children as
young as 3 and 4 years old meet me at the door with no adult in sight. One woman sent her 5-�year-
old son to the door, and when there was a problem with the order, he had to get her from a second-floor
bedroom!
One little boy even let me in the house, saying that he was the only one at home. I love children myself
and don't have a problem dealing with them, but people don't know me. How do they know I won't try
to abduct their child, or do something terrible to him or her? We read about things like that happening
to children every day!
Abby, please tell people that if they want to let their kids "pay" for the pizza, that's fine, but they
should be within a few feet of the child when the child opens the door. It could prevent a terrible
tragedy. -- A PIZZA DELIVERY DRIVER
DEAR DRIVER: Thanks for a valuable letter. You delivered something far more important than a
pizza today.
life

life
Son-in-Law's Familiarity Is Fast Breeding Contempt

DEAR ABBY: My problem is the 40-year-old husband of my 30-year-old daughter. He believes that
because he is "family," he is entitled to come into my home and help himself to anything he wants in
my fridge or cupboards. He has done this for several years, even after having been told (by me) that
this is unacceptable. After complying for a while, he went back to helping himself to food and drink as
though he were in his own home.
His manners are atrocious. He doesn't wait to be offered a second helping -- he takes what he wants,
sometimes ignoring the serving utensils and using his fingers. He weighs 260 and is a big eater. He
complains if I don't have his favorite beer, suggesting that I buy it by the case so I won't run out!
My daughter caters to him, asking him (in my home) if he wants more of anything.
Because of the distance they have to travel to visit us, they always spend the night. My husband and I
always give them our bed�room. When we spent the night at their place, we slept on a broken�-
down sofa that they brought in from the toolshed.
I know there is very little you can do to help me, Abby, but I need to know if being "family" is a
legitimate reason for my son-in-law's behavior. -- APPALLED IN CANADA
DEAR APPALLED: Being "family" in a family of pigs might excuse this inconsiderate oaf, but in a
family of reasonably well-bred people, his behavior is not acceptable.
life

DEAR ABBY: I handle "lost" property for a large hospital, and I see so much heartache, I feel
compelled to write.
Abby, advise your readers to please leave all valuables at home, especially their precious wedding
rings with stones and other "real" jewelry or religious medals.
I cannot tell you how many people I have seen who have been robbed of their jewelry and other
valuables. The elderly are especially vulnerable, as they are sometimes confused. Their rings are often
loose after years of wear and are easily slipped off by thieves.
A tip: Never tape a ring to a finger -- it's an advertisement to come and get it.
Even the dead are being robbed. If you arrive at the hospital unexpectedly, send your valuables home
immediately with a friend. If you're alone, insist that the nurse (no one else) lock up your rings in the
hospital safe. She will place them in a special "valuables" envelope and will give you a receipt.
Most hospitals are wide open to the public, and that includes thieves as well as fine and dedicated
employees. Also, hospitals are not responsible for lost valuables. We cannot afford to reimburse
patients for theft. Please sign this ... WORKING A NICE BAY AREA HOSPITAL
life

life
THE DOOR WITH THE MOON WILL HAVE THE LONGER

LINE

DEAR ABBY: What is the significance of the moon or half-moon on an outhouse door?
I recently visited the birthplace of Herbert Hoover and saw this freshly painted outhouse with the moon
on the door, and in�quired of the security guard as to what it meant. He just laughed and said he'd
been asked that question many times, but he's never been able to come up with an answer.
I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who are as curious as I am to know the answer. What is it? --
BOB HESS,
IOWA CITY, IOWA
DEAR MR. HESS: Before indoor plumbing, American privies usually had "two-seaters." The one with
the "moon" on the door was for ladies and the one with the "star" was for gentlemen. That way, people
who couldn't read could stay out of trouble.
P.S. I was privy to this information when I came upon "The Classic Outhouse Book," by Janet
Strombeck.
life

DEAR ABBY: In February of 1987, my granddaughter called and said she and her husband needed a
loan of $500 to pay for their baby, which was due in five months. I mailed a check to them
immedi�ately, and they sent a note with both their signatures, promising to pay me $25 until the loan
was paid off. I never asked for this note -- they sent it on their own.
Since that time, I haven't received a penny from them, al�though they have bought cars and furniture
and have taken vacation trips. The final straw was when my granddaughter paid $150 for a pet snake!
Abby, if they had sent me only $5 or $10 a month, I would feel that at least they were making an effort.
I continue buying gifts for Christmas and their birthdays even though I am getting a little resentful. I
am not poor, but neither am I rich. I am afraid if I ask for the money they owe me, it will damage the
good relationship I have with them, and I don't want to cause any hard feelings. Should I just keep my
mouth shut and hope they never come to me for another loan? -- SOFT TOUCH IN NEVADA
DEAR SOFT TOUCH: It's unfortunate that you let it go for so long; they probably assumed that since
you never asked for the money, you didn't need it. Write them a friendly letter reminding them of their
obligation and enclose a photocopy of the note they signed.
life

DEAR ABBY: I've heard that drinking coffee can give a person cancer of the stomach. Is it true? --
COFFEE DRINKER
DEAR COFFEE DRINKER: According to the Mayo Clinic Health Letter, "Most health concerns about
coffee are groundless." Moderate con�sumption -- two to four cups a day -- poses little or no risk for
most people, but if caffeine before bedtime interferes with your sleep, drink "decaf."
life

Canada) to Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
2/2/24, 2:10 PM It's Time Again to Tip Our Hats to Towns With Spirit
It's Time Again to Tip Our Hats to Towns With

Spirit
life

DEAR ABBY: We in Midland, Texas, owe you a debt of gratitude for informing your 95 million
readers about our Midland Community Spirit Award. Each year we honor a community that best
represents the American ideal of people pulling together and helping one another.
Last year, we heard from 108 cities in 35 states. The 1990 Midland Community Spirit Award went to
Yakima, Wash., for its ongoing war against drug problems.
Past nominees have included: Brownsville, Texas, whose citizens worked shoulder to shoulder for
more than 60 hours to clear rubble from a collapsed building in order to rescue the trapped survivors;
the good people of Saco and Glasgow, Mont., who graciously fed, clothed and cared for the waylaid
passengers of a train derailed in their vicinity; the members of Valley View Methodist Church in Valley
View, Texas, who walked from car to car inviting hundreds of stranded motorists to spend the night in
their church when a blizzard halted traffic late one afternoon. The townspeople brought whatever they
had in their freezers to feed them all. The residents of Colonial Beach, Va., who raised half a million
dollars through bake sales and bingo to replace their old school built in 1912.
Abby, we are again seeking nominations for the 1991 Midland Community Spirit Award, which will be
presented in November. So please encourage proud citizens to nominate communities that have shown
the cooperative, caring spirit during a time of need or crisis.
Thank you for your continued support in making this project a success. -- CARROLL THOMAS,
MAYOR, MIDLAND, TEXAS
DEAR MAYOR THOMAS: This past year has been one of the worst for both natural and man-made
catastrophes, so there should be an abundance of nominations.
Readers: The deadline is Oct. 15, 1991. So to obtain an official nomination form for the Community
Spirit Award, write to: Midland Community Spirit Award, P.O. Box 1152, Midland, Texas 79702, or
phone (915) 685-7206.
I'm sure there are many other communities whose citizens rose to the occasion when tragedy struck.
Readers?
life

DEAR ABBY: In the plant where I work, there are seven girls in my department. One of the girls was
recently married. I pitched in for a shower gift, but I couldn't attend the shower.
I never did get an invitation to her wedding, but the other six girls got one. Two days before her
wedding she mumbled, "Some of the invitations must have gotten lost in the mail, so if you didn't get
one, consider this a verbal invitation."
Abby, I didn't have anything to wear, and it was too late to get ready. Do I owe her a wedding gift? --
SLIGHTED IN ASHEVILLE, N.C.
DEAR SLIGHTED: No. Give her your verbal congratulations.

life

DEAR ABBY: I received your booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It" on July 30,
1991.
You have saved my life. I cried tears of joy for the first time in my 47 years. Before that, they were
tears of pain and sorrow.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. God bless you. -- MARY T. GREEN, SANTA MARIA,
CALIF.
life

life
LITTLE KIDS CAN MEAN BIG TROUBLE IN BACKYARD

POOLS

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are the proud parents of a beautiful 16-month-old daughter named
Amanda. Now that Amanda is walking, we are faced with a problem. My in-laws, who are great
people, have an unfenced swimming pool on their property, and my husband and I feel very
uncomfortable having Amanda at their home for that reason. It takes only a few seconds for a small
child to escape the watchful eyes of an adult and wander off.
I realize that putting a fence around the pool is expensive, but how can I let my in-laws know how
important it is to save the life of a child -- not just any child, but their grandchild whom they adore? --
PLEASE FENCE ME IN
DEAR PLEASE: While a fence would offer a great measure of security, gates have been left open and
crawled under -- so don't rely on a fence to keep Amanda safe.
There is no substitute for constant adult supervision. Do not assume that other children -- or even a
trusted adult -- will watch your precious child.
Every summer I hear from heartbroken, guilt-ridden pool owners who have had a child drown in their
pool. I repeat my plea to all parents to teach their children to swim, to learn all the rules of water safety,
and outfit little ones with "life jackets."
And every pool owner should learn cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) -- just in case.
life

DEAR ABBY: What is happening to our society? Where is taste? What about morals, decency and
modesty? What kind of examples are we setting for our children?
For example, I turned on the TV in the presence of my 11-year-old son and his 14-year-old sister, and
what do we see? A sleepy-eyed, obviously naked lady in bed with a bedsheet around her, turning to her
bed partner -- also naked. She asks, "What did you say your name was?"
Abby, is that the kind of message we should be sending to our young people -- that it's OK to go to bed
with strangers? That's bad enough under any circumstances, but with the threat of AIDS, to make
casual sex appear acceptable and commonplace is criminal.
Another thing: How about our movie stars proudly announcing that they are expecting a baby? The fact
that they are not married -- and have no plans to marry at this time -- doesn't seem to bother anybody.
Also, I'm not suggesting that we go back to the days when pregnant married women took their walks at
night so nobody would see them, but I am not ready to see a pregnant woman in her eighth month stark
naked on the cover of a magazine.
I don't expect you to have answers for all of the above, but if this is progress, I'm for turning back the
clock. -- FIFTYSOMETHING IN PHOENIX
DEAR FIFTYSOMETHING: Amen.

life

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, a reference was made to an "upcoming" wedding. Abby, every time
I see that word "upcoming," I am reminded of this memo the late Bernard Kilgore wrote to his staff
when he was the chief honcho at The Wall Street Journal:
"If I see the word UPCOMING in The Wall Street Journal once more, I shall be downcoming on
someone who will be outgoing." -- S.S.M., LOS ANGELES
life

life
HEY, ALL YOU PARK VISITORS: NO FLOWERS, FIRES OR

DOGS!

DEAR ABBY: My recent vacation trip has compelled me to pass along some tips to those who visit our
precious national parks -- particularly Yellowstone.
1. Don't bring your dog a1ong -- at least not to Yellowstone; pets are not allowed past one-quarter of a
mile on any trail there. I couldn't believe all the dogs I saw locked in cars in 80-degree temperatures!
Better check the pet regulations of the park you plan to visit before deciding to bring your dog. (Bears
dislike dogs, so you'd be asking for trouble.)
2. Extinguish your camp fires when you leave your site.
3. If an animal wants to cross the road -- let it! You're only a visitor -- the animal lives there, so be
polite. (I couldn't believe how many people I saw impatiently blowing their horns to force a buffalo or
deer back to the side of the road.)
4. Those lovely wildflowers are not yours -- they belong to everyone; so please leave them there for the
next person to admire. Leave the rocks and stones in place, too.
5. If you want a close-up shot of an animal, invest in a camera with a zoom lens. I actually saw 25 or
30 people bounding across a meadow, surrounding a giant elk and snapping away within 50 feet of the
beast. (Do they think those animals are stuffed? If they ever get gored, they'll find out.)
6. Believe in signs. If you see a sign that says "Danger" or "Stay on Trail" -- believe it. Everyone acts
like he's working for National Geographic. The best picture does not necessarily lie beyond the "No
Farther" warning. You're better off settling for an OK shot than not living to see the shot of a lifetime. -
- MARY WIESEMAN, INDIANAPOLIS
DEAR MARY: Thanks for the travel tips. Do you mind if I add a tip or two of my own?
1. Don't litter. Carry a folded bag in which to stash your trash.
2. Wear comfortable shoes, sunglasses and sunscreen, and a whistle on a flexible cord around your
neck. Be sure your children are outfitted the same way.
3. Keep an eagle eye on your kids at all times.
4. And if you smoke, douse the butt with water to be sure it's out.
life

Driver's Insistence on Safety Results in Rough
Verbal Ride
life

DEAR ABBY: I agreed to give a woman who lives in my apartment building a ride to her doctor's
appointment. When she got into my car, I asked her in a gentlemanly manner to please fasten her seat
belt. She said she never uses a seat belt because she has a phobia about being confined as the result of a
very frightening childhood experience.
I then told her that I had undertaken a liability in accepting her as a passenger, and she would either
have to buckle up or bail out. She snapped back, "Don't you carry insurance in case a passenger is
injured?" I ignored her question and asked her to please get out of my car. She said I was no
gentleman, but she reluctantly fastened her seat belt, and now I have a new enemy in the building.
Do you think I was wrong to have insisted she either buckle up or bail out? -- J.C. IN GAINESVILLE,
FLA.
DEAR J.C: You were not wrong. If more drivers were as sensibly safety-conscious as you, there would
be fewer "D.O.A." (Dead On Arrival) tragedies recorded.
A California state trooper said, "I have yet to unbuckle a seat belt from a dead person."
life

DEAR ABBY: I am the cashier at a checkout counter, and I have a few questions and comments
concerning the manners of customers:
Why must you run over the person in line in front of you with your cart? The line won't move any
faster if you plant your cart against someone's derriere.
Why assume that I make up the prices? The cashier is performing a service. I am not out to rob you.
Why must you leave an expensive steak or roast in the produce aisle or on a magazine rack? It wouldn't
ruin my day if you handed it to me saying you didn't want it. (And you wouldn't wind up paying for it
later in the form of rising food prices.)
Why will you wait two hours for a ride in an amusement park, yet get impatient if you have to wait 15
minutes in a checkout line? (People in Russia wait all day for a loaf of bread!)
And why do those who complain the loudest about long lines spend 10 minutes looking for an elusive
penny, rather than break a $20 bill?
To all you wonderful people who are considerate of those around you, I thank you! Thank you for
making me smile when I'm blue and keeping me laughing when my feet hurt. I see a lot of generosity
and goodwill among people and it reaffirms my belief that most people are basically good.
Thank you, Abby. I needed to get that off my chest. -- ANY CHECKER, ANYTOWN, USA
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO "YOUR NEW READER IN PORTLAND, ORE.": True, charity begins at home,
but it shouldn't end there.
life

life
Man Wants to Open Door Wife Shut on His Family

DEAR ABBY: I never thought I would be writing to you. My wife, "Annie," does not care for my
family, so we spend every holiday with her family. She says my family lives "too far away" to visit,
although hers lives only a few miles closer.
Annie and I are happy together, but shutting out my family completely is starting to bother me. I think
of them on holidays and their birthdays and would like to share these times with them. I try to discuss
this with Annie, but she always says, "We'll talk about it another time" -- then she always initiates sex.
(I just realized this.) It does take my mind off the discussion for the time being.
Have you had letters from anyone else who neglected his family because of his spouse and later
regretted it? -- "SAM" IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR SAM: Yes, I have heard from many readers who deeply regretted not spending more time with
their families while they were able to. (Especially parents.)
A large part of a loving marriage is compromise, which may mean spending time with people because
they are important to one's spouse. The next time you discuss this with Annie, point this out, take a
cold shower and keep talking.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old single woman, independent and very nice-looking -- so I am told.
For two years, I was seeing a married man who was separated from his wife. He said he and his wife
were trying to work out their problems with a counselor for the sake of their three kids, but he was still
very much in love with me. I sent him back to his wife and family.
I took a month's vacation to try and forget him. Now I'm home, and he is on the phone trying to get me
to see him. I don't want to see him because he is a very convincing man and I don't want to start up
with him again. On the other hand, I really love him. Half of me wants to see him again, and the other
half tells me I shouldn't. I need your advice as soon as possible. -- IN LOVE IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR IN LOVE: Listen to the half with the brains in it, and tell him to stay with his family.
life

DEAR ABBY: Is there a universal sign of apology? There are many universal rude gestures known by
everyone, but I often wish I had a signal saying "I'm sorry."
For example, if I were daydreaming at a red light and the driver behind me had to honk the horn, how
could I let that driver know that I'm sorry? Other examples: splashing someone on the sidewalk, or
misjudging the distance in passing so the other driver had to slow down.
Perhaps this "I apologize" sign would work if you absentmindedly jostled another person in a
multilingual area, and you weren't sure which language to apologize in.
If there isn't such a sign, maybe you should invent one. You have enough readers. Perhaps we could
create a more polite environment. -- SMALL TOWN IN NEBRASKA
DEAR SMALL TOWN: A smile, a salute, a nod, or just a plain "Oops" with the appropriate facial
expression would do.
life

life
FEAR OF HOUSEHOLD PETS IS OFTEN DISGUISED AS

DISLIKE

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I frequently entertain at home. We have a dog and a cat that we love
like members of our family. When we have guests, we always confine our pets in another area before
our guests arrive. Many of our friends have told us that they appreciate this because they have a fear of
dogs, or cats or both!
Our veterinarian told us that when some people say they "dislike" animals, they actually fear them. For
example, if a person who is not used to having pets around entered someone's house and was greeted at
the door by a hostile dog barking angrily or a cat that curled around his leg, he could have an anxiety
attack!
I happen to have a terrible fear of snakes. I know that not all snakes are poisonous, but just the sight of
a snake terrifies me. Yet some people have snakes as pets -- but I cannot imagine a host or hostess
allowing a pet snake to slither freely among the guests. Well, the fear of dogs and cats is every bit as
terrifying to some people as the fear of snakes is to me.
Our animal-loving friends didn't believe us when we brought this up in conversation. They thought it
was an exaggeration, but after questioning others whom they thought merely "disliked" animals, they
finally admitted that they were actually afraid of them.
What do you and your readers think? -- ANIMAL LOVERS
DEAR ANIMAL LOVERS: I consulted my animal expert, Dr. Erwin David. He said: "The analogy
concerning the snake is a good one. People tend to fear that which they distrust -- and dislike that
which they fear."
life

DEAR ABBY: My friends and I have a problem with which we need help. We wear hearing aids,
which makes it difficult to hear people talking on some of the television programs, as the background
music and special sound effects are so overpowering, they drown out the voices.
For example, in "Jake and the Fatman," the roar of the ocean is so loud it's impossible to understand
what the people are saying. It doesn't help to turn the volume up, and we can't do as President Bush
suggests: "Read my lips."
I love music, but loud background music is unnecessary on dramatic shows.
Commercials are a problem, too. They are so loud, they blast the hearing aids out of our ears. (Have
you ever tried turning a hearing aid down with barbecue sauce on your fingers?)
The advertisers think they are getting our attention with the extra-loud commercial messages, but most
people have remote-control sets, and they just shut the sound off until the program comes on again.
Are many of your readers experiencing the same problems? And who can we contact in the television
industry to correct this? -- CORA LAIRD, FORT DODGE, IOWA
DEAR CORA LAIRD: The television sponsors have been dodging these complaints for years. Address
your grievances to the sponsors of the programs you watch. And while you're at it, write to the Federal
Communications Commission, 1919 M St. N.W., Washington, D.C. 20554.
life

Those Bound to a Wheelchair Can Still Feel
Zest for Life
life

DEAR ABBY: I speak for the people who are in wheelchairs permanently, having been in one myself
for a short time following a head injury.
Recently, I went to a concert in the park. I noticed a man in a wheelchair struggling to get to the
dancing area. As he approached people, he would reach out as far as he could with his better hand. He
was rejected time after time -- or just plain ignored.
Finally, my heart just couldn't take it anymore, so I walked over to him, took his hand and started
swinging it back and forth to the rhythm of the music. Then I "danced" quickly around his wheelchair
as I held his hand.
Ordinarily, I am scared to death to perform in front of people, but I was as peaceful and self-assured as
I could be.
The only thing I saw was the look of happiness in his face. When the song ended, he pulled me close
enough to give me a sweet little kiss on the cheek. After that, others "danced" with him, and he had a
wonderful time.
Abby, I ask everyone to treat people in wheelchairs as if they were standing up -- to recognize their
courage and realize that they have the same feelings as you do. -- CELESTE RICE, LORANE, ORE.
DEAR CELESTE: Thank you for a letter that warmed my heart and will be appreciated by many.
life

DEAR ABBY: My problem may seem insignificant compared to some you receive, but I need to air
my feelings, and I hope my in-laws see this:
"Harry" and I have been married for 20 years (no children). We aren't poor, but he still gives me a
weekly allowance for groceries. I worked the first nine years of our marriage, but I finally quit because
all I was allowed to do with the money was make car payments on "our" car, which Harry drove most
of the time.
Over the years, my in-laws have given us cards with checks enclosed for Christmas and anniversaries.
They just hand the envelope to Harry in front of me, he promptly pockets it, and I never see it again.
Once, I noticed that the check was made out for $1,000 to both of us.
If my in-laws ever asked me what we did with the money, I'd tell them the truth, but they have never
asked. A few times I've asked Harry, and he said, "I've got it." End of conversation.
Don't mention "divorce," which I have considered a few times, but Harry would kill me before he'd
give me a divorce. And lately, there have been times when I wish he would. -- TRAPPED
DEAR TRAPPED: Marriage should be a partnership; yours is more like a master-and-slave

relationship. Christmas and anniversary checks from the in-laws should be spent on something you can
both enjoy, something for your home or a vacation trip. They should not go into your husband's pocket
never to be seen again.
But there's more than material inequality ailing your marriage. Please see a marriage counselor. If
Harry refuses to go -- go without him. And if you still would "rather be dead," ending your miserable
marriage is preferable to ending your life.
life

WORTH NOTING: "If the First Amendment means anything, it means that a state has no business
telling a man, sitting alone in his house, what books he may read or what films he may watch." --
RETIRED JUSTICE THURGOOD MARSHALL, U.S. SUPREME COURT
life

life
Gifts Brought to Reception Become Burden to the Bride

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter was married yesterday after some whirlwind planning in which we used
your wedding planning book. A question has arisen that was not addressed in the book: Many guests
brought their gifts to the reception.
When the gifts were collected to be taken home, the ushers handed the bride's father a stack of
envelopes that had been on the gift table. We have no idea whether these envelopes are gifts
themselves, or became separated from their packages.
When the newlyweds return from their honeymoon in three weeks, they will have a massive job of
unwrapping. What do they do if they find several unidentified packages and assorted cards? How do
they match them up to be sure they thank the right guests for the right gifts? -- BARBARA K.,
KENILWORTH, ILL.
DEAR BARBARA: When the bride returns, she will open the envelopes. Some will probably contain
"the gift" (money), and those envelopes that became separated from the gifts will (let's hope) contain
cards signed with first and last names.
Write thank-you notes to those you match up with gifts. And telephone (or write) to the others, tell
them that their card and gift became separated, then ask them which gift was theirs. Embarrassing?
Yes. But that's the price one pays when such accidents occur.
There ought to be a law against hand-carrying gifts to weddings. It imposes a burden on the bride's
parents, who must take the gifts home and store them until the newlyweds return.
Wedding gifts should be sent directly to the bride in plenty of time for her to open them and make a
record of the gift and the giver, so the giver can be properly thanked.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this in regard to your column titled "Obituary Relating to Cause of Death
Adds to Family's Grief."
Circumstances can sometimes dictate just the opposite. My lovely 19-year-old granddaughter, who
lived in another town, was killed in a car accident just three days after her high school graduation -- a
few months ago.
When we were making the funeral arrangements, we asked the funderal director to state the cause of
death in her obituary. We are well-known in this community, and we wished to be spared the numerous
telephone calls asking about the cause of her sudden death.
The funeral director, unfortunately, neglected to follow through on our request, and consequently, we
were plagued with calls, which added much to our grief every time we had to relate the circumstances
of her death. -- GRIEVING ILLINOIS GRANDMA
DEAR GRANDMA: You make an excellent point. Thank you for taking the time to write. And please
accept my deepest sympathy on the tragic loss of your grandddaughter.
life

included.)
life
Mom Fears Son's Reaction to the Truth About His Birth

DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago, I became pregnant with "Joe's" baby. We were going to get married, but
Joe got into a jam (armed robbery) and was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Joe is due to get out in two
months. Now the problem.
When my baby (I'll call him Gary) was 8 months old, I fell in love with a man I'll call Tony. Tony and I
were married, and Gary was raised to believe that Tony is his "real" father. My family and Tony's
family know the truth about Gary's "real" father, but nobody ever talks about it. Joe's mother and sister
also know the whole story.
My question: Should I tell Gary who his real father is? Tony says he will support my decision.
I'm afraid I will lose Gary's trust if I tell him I have lied to him all these years.
What do you think? -- SILENT FOR 10 YEARS
DEAR SILENT: You had better tell Gary who his real father is before someone else does. It won't be
easy, but it's far better that he hear it from you than from someone else, and when three people know a
secret, it's no longer a secret.
life

DEAR ABBY: My beloved wife of 32 years just died of colon cancer, which had spread to her liver.
She was 51 years old, healthy and beautiful. My two sons and I are in total shock. My wife had some
colon cancer symptoms and was examined by a colon cancer specialist. The doctor proclaimed, "No
problems." (She had cancer of the colon at the time of the examination.)
Eight months after the examination, the cancer had spread to her liver. It was finally discovered one
year later! She lived with intense chemotherapy and pain for 14 months.
Abby, tell your readers that if they suspect that they have colon cancer, they should demand a complete
colon examination, a blood test and A SECOND OPINION.
In my wife's case, the window of life was only eight months. America's dirty little secret is that there
are about 1 million new cancer patients, and over half a million deaths from cancer every year.
Abby, please let the common people know. No one else will. -- LOST IN ATLANTA
DEAR LOST: With your help, I just have, and I thank you for coming forward with the statistics,
which have been verified by the National Cancer Institute and the American Cancer Society.
life

DEAR ABBY: Two weeks ago my husband and I were browsing in an antique shop when we came
across a white porcelain figurine. On the bottom was stamped "MADE IN USA" -- and in even finer
print were the letters "Japan."
Some people may deny that this occurred, but during World War II, I assure you it did.
Now we're sorry we didn't buy that white porcelain piece. We would have loved to take a picture of
that lettering and send it to you, Abby. If we ever find another piece, we will. -- G.M.A., PHOENIX
life

WOMAN'S OBSESSION WITH MAN EATS
AWAY AT HER SELF-CONTROL
life

DEAR ABBY: I am 32 years old and people say I am very attractive. A year ago I started seeing
"Alex." He was everything I ever wanted -- handsome, intelligent, successful. We were together almost
every night, and he even started talking about marriage.
Then last month, out of the blue, he announced that he thinks we're getting "too serious" and we should
both start seeing other people. That was the beginning of the end. It's like a bad dream. I can't stop
crying. I'm in sales and my job requires my full attention, but I'm in a fog.
My eating is out of control. The night before last, I ate a whole barbecue chicken, a large pizza and
three cheese Danishes. Tonight I consumed a pint of ice cream and almost a whole bag of cookies. My
stomach hurt so bad I couldn't finish the cookies.
Abby, I dial his phone number 15 to 20 times a day just to hear his voice -- then I hang up. I'm sure he
knows it's me. I'm humiliated he would dump me like this. How can I get him back? I love him! --
OUT OF CONTROL IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR OUT OF CONTROL: You may not be able to get him back, but you must regain control of your
feelings and behavior. What you describe isn't "love," it's compulsive behavior. Dr. Susan Forward has
written a book for people who can't let go of relationships that aren't working (or have ended) and find
themselves feeling out of control. It's titled "Obsessive Love" (Bantam). Pick up a copy and read it. It
will help you shift from pain and anxiety to healthy patterns of healing/recovery. Good luck.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am the man who found the $42 in the glove compartment of the secondhand car I had
recently purchased. And I am married to a woman of good character in Anchorage, Alaska. Here is the
rest of the story:
Since pocketing the $42, I have put that much (and more) into this vehicle, after replacing the brakes
and a computer part, and being towed twice. I find I am now $550 in the hole -- minus the $42.
Rabbi Botnick related the parable about the rabbi whose students had bought him a donkey to help him
in his business of selling flax. The students were amazed to find a precious pearl attached to the neck
of the donkey, whereupon they informed the rabbi that he could retire -- a rich man!
The rabbi responded, "I bought a donkey, not a pearl," and he promptly returned the pearl.
I have to wonder if the pearl would have been returned if the donkey had come up lame the next day. I
expect your response will be similar to my wife's -- that the car trouble may have been a consequence
of my action.
I don't buy that -- and I'm not returning the money! -- THE HUSBAND OF THE WOMAN OF GOOD
CHARACTER
DEAR HUSBAND: Only a fool would buy a donkey without carefully examining it to make sure it
wasn't lame. And only a fool would buy a secondhand car without having it examined first by an
automotive mechanic.
life

life
There's a Whole Lot of Fakin' Going on in American Bedrooms

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "B in Dallas" her confession about faking orgasms made my day, my month,
my year! I know that God will forgive me this small deception. Actually, it's an act of kindness; it
makes my husband feel so virile and masculine. I truly love him, so it's no great sacrifice on my part. --
MISSOURI FAKER
DEAR ABBY: Why "fake it"? Enjoy it! I was married to the same man for nearly 50 years and my sex
life died when he did. I'm a great-grandmother now, but if I could find a nice clean man between 70
and 80, believe me, I wouldn't have to fake it. Please don't use my name. I live in a senior citizens
complex, and if my neighbors knew I wrote this, they'd have a coronary. -- CITRUS HEIGHTS,
CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: All the world is a stage, and everybody fakes enjoyment of something at some time.
Some husbands fake enjoyment of opera, the symphony, ballroom dancing and other activities their
wives relish. Unselfish people are accustomed to accommodating others. -- A MALE'S
PERSPECTIVE
DEAR ABBY: I simply submit to sex as my wifely obligation to "service" my lusty husband. To him,
sex is just another bodily function. I always leave the lights on so I can read something until he's
finished. -- SUBMITTING, NOT FAKING
DEAR ABBY: Hooray for "B in Dallas" for admitting she's "faking it." I'm a 55-year-old woman,
married for 33 years, and I've had enough sex to last me a lifetime. But I'm starving for love! -- BEL
AIR FAKER
DEAR ABBY: I don't have to fake it anymore "just to get it over with." Sex is great now that the kids
are out of the house and I'm no longer on the Pill. -- PARADISE VALLEY, ARIZ.
DEAR ABBY: Those fakers out there should quit blaming the man. If they have to "fake it," they just
aren't willing to figure out what feels good -- and then explain it to their partner. The man is going to
have a good time whether she fakes it or not.
Woody Allen once said, "The first organ a person must use to achieve sexual satisfaction is the brain." -
- TOM IN MICHIGAN
DEAR ABBY: I am a 55-year-old woman and have been married twice, and I'm not sure I've ever
experienced an orgasm. Oh, I may have had one once when I was 17, and I was so overcome, I nearly
blacked out. It's just as well it never happened again. -- MARIE IN MADISON
life

included.
life
With Some Husbands, Wives Can't Always Be Lovers Too

DEAR ABBY: I've been waiting for years to see a letter like the one from "B in Dallas." (She said she
faked orgasms.) I'm glad to know I'm not the only woman who does this. Now I'll feel less like a freak.
Please print all the letters you get on the subject. -- SACRAMENTO FAKER
DEAR FAKER: I could not believe the volume of mail. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Of course I fake it. All women do. I adore my husband, but he couldn't find my
erogenous zone with a road map, so I go through the motions to keep from hurting his masculine ego. -
- DESERVES AN ACADEMY AWARD
DEAR ABBY: Most men have the rabbit habit: hop on, hop off. Athletes know that in order to perform
well they must warm up first, perform, then cool down. The act of making love is no different. If men
followed these instructions, women wouldn't have to fake it. -- MIDWEST COACH
DEAR ABBY: My darling is 65 and he's still making it. I'm 63 and still faking it. When I read about
these men who are still active at 85, I shudder. I don't think I could survive another 20 years of this.
Dear God, don't they ever wear out? -- LONG ISLAND FAKER
DEAR ABBY: Married for 22 years. Been faking it for 20. -- CHATTANOOGA "ACTRESS"
DEAR ABBY: I fake it just to get it over with. Sex never was as important to me as it is to my husband
-- but it's so good for his ego, I'd never let on that all my wild carrying on was an act. We've been
married for 44 years. He's faithful and so am I, and ours is a loving, solid marriage. -- CANADIAN
FAKER
DEAR ABBY: I am 33 and my husband is 28. He's a wonderful man but a lousy lover. I don't dare get
him too excited or it's all over before it's begun. We've been married for six years and we really love
each other, so I can live with it. -- FAKING IT IN ST. PAUL
DEAR ABBY: My neighbor and I were discussing our inadequate sex lives over coffee one day. She
said she often "fakes" orgasms with her husband, then I confessed that I also did with mine.
We decided to massage each other, and found it more satisfying than our husbands' efforts. Our
husbands don't know the difference, and we are ... TWO WIVES HAPPY AT LAST
DEAR ABBY: Your reader thinks most women "fake it." Well, here's one who doesn't have to. Even
though my husband is 79 and I'm 76, sex is still fun. We love to have our children visit us for a day or
two, but when they leave, I put the red satin sheets on the waterbed, turn on some soft music and don
my sexiest nightie. Then, let the fun begin. Believe me, faking isn't necessary. -- HAPPY HONEY IN
HONOLULU
(More "fakers" tomorrow.)

life

Wife's Disregard for Doctors Is Making Her
Husband Sore
life

DEAR ABBY: My problem is my wife. She will not go to the doctor for regular checkups. She is 43, a
professional, and we are not poor.
We have no children. She is apparently healthy, but she refuses to go for checkups, Pap smears,
mammograms, etc. Her last visit to a doctor was at least eight years ago. (She also rarely goes to a
dentist.)
I have yelled, threatened, cajoled, asked nicely, clipped newspaper and magazine articles concerning
the necessity for women to get regular checkups -- nothing works. I go to the doctor regularly and I'm
sure she realizes it's important, but she will not do it.
We have been married for 13 years. I love her very much and would like to grow old with her. What
can I do? -- OUT OF IDEAS
DEAR OUT OF IDEAS: Short of hog-tying her, there is nothing you can do. Every intelligent person
realizes that routine periodic checkups (physical and dental) are essential to maintaining good health,
and early detection in case there is a problem has saved many lives.
All you can do is pray that your wife continues to be one of the lucky ones.
life

DEAR ABBY: I know that you probably don't think that you need another hiccup cure, but let me
assure you that I have used this trick now for nearly 10 years, and I am usually very successful.
I was convinced after the development of the Heimlich maneuver that it was possible to eliminate
annoying hiccups with a simple maneuver without the need for sugar, water, pencils, etc., which may
not always be available on short notice.
I have suffered with hiccups for years. I get them easily, and I have mastered this technique so well that
I usually can eliminate them in one attempt -- and I can do this anywhere, anytime.
This is all you have to do: Focus on your breathing -- do not get distracted; take several deep breaths
(hold the last one for as long as possible); then, before you exhale, swallow. Novices may need four or
five tries -- but it gets easy with practice. Concentrating on the breathing and swallowing before you
exhale are the keys to success.
I hope that you will pass this on to your readers. You may call it "Marie's Maneuver" or "Beyer's
Remedy," but whatever you call it -- it has been invaluable to me, and I am sure it will be appreciated
by those who try it. -- MARIE BEYER, EAST BRUNSWICK, N.J.
DEAR MARIE: I have been carrying your sure cure for the hiccups around for weeks, hoping to put it
to the test, but I haven't had the hiccups. (Perhaps just carrying the "cure" has been a preventative?)
If one of my readers tries it and finds it helpful, please let me know.

life

life
Smoking Is Not the Cause of All Lung Cancer Deaths

DEAR ABBY: The letter from Marvin H. Leaf, D.D.S., who listed some prominent people who had
died of lung cancer, struck a very painful chord within me.
Dr. Leaf mentioned Steve McQueen among those who had died as a result of smoking. Abby, Steve
McQueen died of a malignant pleural mesothelioma, which is almost always due to long-term exposure
to asbestos and is completely unrelated to smoking. I understand that Mr. McQueen at one time worked
as an automobile brake repairman, which would have exposed him to asbestos on a daily basis.
My mother was a physician and the director of health for Alamance County, North Carolina. She was
also a tireless crusader for good health habits. Two years ago, she died of malignant pleural
mesthelioma. My mother never smoked nor was she exposed to asbestos, and we have no idea why she
developed lung cancer.
I certainly do not appreciate Dr. Leaf's implication that all lung cancers are the result of smoking and
should be so publicized in the obituaries of the deceased.
You will no doubt hear from many other families who were equally offended by Dr. Leaf's
misinformation, and I am sure that as usual you will set the record straight. -- JILL B. KOURY, M.D.
DEAR DR. KOURY: Thank you for writing. I tried to locate Dr. Leaf, who is now retired and has an
unlisted telephone number. I hope that after this appears in my column, he will write again and set the
record straight.
life

DEAR ABBY: I think Dr. Leaf was absolutely correct when he said the public has the right to know the
cause of death when a prominent person dies.
At 35 years of age, I have already lost a father and my best friend to lung cancer from smoking.
Meanwhile, some members of my family continue to smoke.
I only wish that we non-smokers could do more to help those nicotine addicts kick the habit. Actually,
the ones I would really like to fight are the tobacco companies. -- BEEN "CLEAN" FOR FOUR
YEARS
DEAR "CLEAN": Congratulations, but please don't blame the tobacco companies. We live in a country
where people have a right to choose, and adults are responsible for the choices they make.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am writing for the four of us who are widows. We would like to know the proper time
to stop wearing our wedding rings. Is it proper to continue wearing them as long as we are not looking
for another mate?
We all four have different views on the subject. Please let us know, Abby. I'm sure there are others out
there who would also like to know. -- WONDERING WIDOWS
DEAR WONDERING: A widow who has no interest in looking for another mate may continue to wear
her wedding ring on the third finger of her left hand; it will serve as a very effective "stop" sign should
a single man find her attractive. (Not always -- but usually.) Widows who want to date again wisely
switch their wedding band to the other hand or retire it to the jewelry box.
life

life
KIDS' BACKYARD TOY CAUSES INSURANCE TO JUMP

SKY-HIGH
DEAR ABBY: I am very angry! We have just met with our insurance agent who has advised us that we
need an additional policy.
We recently purchased a trampoline for our children, which we are now told is a huge liability to us. It
stands about 3 1/2 feet off the ground, so it is not likely that a small child could get on without
assistance.
What infuriates me is that the children who COULD get on are old enough to know they would be
trespassing. Should a child hurt him or herself while using it without supervision, we would be
responsible.
Why couldn't we sue the parents for not watching their children or teaching them to respect other
people's property? Our system has made it a liability to drive the Boy Scouts to the zoo, or have play
equipment in our own back yard. Granted, laws are made for the protection of others -- but what about
my rights? I could lose my home, my car and all of my savings because the newspaper boy decided to
jump on our trampoline while delivering newspapers.
We, the public, have made it so easy to sue. Who cares? The insurance company has plenty of money.
Wrong! You and I pay for it through higher premiums. It is time the lawyers, judges and jurors stood
up and shouted, "Enough! Quit wasting my time and the taxpayers' money!"
For crying out loud, America, use some common sense!
All we wanted to do was give our children a fun toy -- not make someone rich because his kids broke
our safety rules and trespassed on our property. Thank you, Abby, for letting me get this off my chest. -
- A VERY DISAPPOINTED TRAMPOLINE OWNER
DEAR DISAPPOINTED OWNER: As your insurance agent has probably informed you, a trampoline
on your property is what is known as an "attractive nuisance"! It is "attractive" because it is accessible
to children in your neighborhood who may find it fun and can use it unsupervised. And it's a
"nuisance" because should an accident occur, you are, indeed, liable.
You should install a fence around your property, making the trampoline inaccessible to uninvited
people. And be sure your fence has a lock on it.
life

DEAR ABBY: Like 100,000 other men in the United States each year, I was diagnosed recently as
having cancer of the prostate through the use of a digital examination, a blood test for the measurement
of prostatic-specific antigen, and an ultrasound examination of the prostate. Soon after, I went to the
Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore for surgery, where Dr. Patrick Walsh has devised a procedure for
the removal of cancerous prostates with a nerve-sparing technique, leaving most of his patients potent
and continent. His procedure is widely used by other urologists.
One urologist told me that had I not had the prostatic- specific antigen test and the ultrasound
examination, the detection of the malignancy through a digital examination alone would have taken 10
years, at which time I would have been dead. Instead, I am cancer-free and in perfect health because of
early detection. -- THOMAS P. SLAVENS, PROFESSOR, THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
DEAR DR. SLAVENS: Thank you for a valuable letter.

life

Video Game Is Addiction for Boys Young and
Old
life

DEAR ABBY: Last Christmas we purchased a video game for our sons, ages 8 and 10. At first it was
fun, but now I am sick of the hours wasted in front of the television set. If the boys aren't playing it,
their father is, and the arguments and hurt feelings are not worth the money invested. We used to go to
the parks or beaches, or just spend time barbecuing after work. Now it's, "What game should we rent
tonight?" followed by an evening of no communication.
I swear, they are addicted to it! Am I wrong? Has this happened in other households also? -- MAD AT
THE VIDEO GAME, LACEY, WASH.
DEAR MAD: You are not wrong. But who makes the rules at your house? You should allow your sons
to play their video game only as a reward for having done their homework and chores. And there
should be a limit on how much time they can spend in front of the television set. Kids can get hooked
on a video game -- but wise parents can turn that addiction into a bargaining chip.
life

DEAR ABBY: I have a lovely daughter -- intelligent, well-educated, attractive, a kind and caring
person. She has not married. Every now and then, some stupid jerk asks me, "Why hasn't your
daughter married?"
I respond in a civilized manner, although I consider the question none of his or her business and think
that only a clod would ask such a question. Can you think of any remark to put such people in their
place? -- OGDEN, UTAH, MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Try this: "Why don't you ask her?"
life

DEAR ABBY: I am writing about the mother of the bride who was much disturbed -- and properly so -
- because of the "no-shows" at her daughter's wedding. She paid $25 per person, and there were eight
guests who accepted but did not call to cancel and didn't show up.
Is there any reason why the parents of the bride who paid for the reception could not have asked the
caterer to pack up the $200 worth of food so they could take it home?
Also, would it be a breach of etiquette for the parents or the newlyweds to call the no-shows and ask
why they didn't attend the wedding after having accepted? (Am I the only one who thinks a telephone
call or a note to the no- shows would be in order?) -- A.F.S.
DEAR A.F.S.: There is no reason why the parents of the bride shouldn't have asked the caterer to pack
up the no-shows' dinners to be taken home and placed in their freezer to enjoy later.
However, I would neither call nor write the no-shows, asking why they didn't cancel when they knew
they couldn't attend. Explanations (and apologies) are in order, but the no-shows should initiate them.
life

life
Son at Arm's Length Won't Join His Family's Embrace

DEAR ABBY: Our 42-year-old son and his wife live in the same city with us. We never make demands
on them and are self-sufficient and able to take care of our needs. We do, however, enjoy seeing them,
and invite them to join us for dinner from time to time.
They never drop in, but we would be delighted if they would. My husband and I never go to them
uninvited, and they rarely invite us over.
When friends or relatives visit us from out of town, we would like to include our son and his wife and
ask them to share a meal. But when we do, they seem very annoyed and resentful and claim that our
guests are ours, and they don't want to be bothered.
I occasionally coax them by telling them that if they would come, they are free to leave anytime and
don't have to give up the whole evening. I try to be thoughtful -- they call it "manipulative."
It upsets us terribly that our adult son can't understand that family relationships mean a lot to us, and
we would be proud to have our friends and relatives meet him and his wife. When he and his brothers
were growing up, our home was always open to all their friends.
He is a nice and pleasant person, but he refuses to give of himself. We can't seem to make him
understand that caring adults sometimes make an effort to please others -- not just themselves. What
are your thoughts on this, Abby? -- CARING PARENTS
DEAR PARENTS: For whatever reason, your son is not interested in maintaining a close relationship
with you or "the relatives." Too bad he has never learned the joy of doing something for the sheer
pleasure it affords others. Your "nice, pleasant" son is also selfish.
life

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Puzzled in Florida" who couldn't decide how to list her
daughter's race, since she is half-white and half-Chinese.
I am a white American; my wife is a black Jamaican. When I filled out the census form, I, too, was
puzzled. Our sons are neither white nor black -- certainly not Oriental -- and much more is implied by
"other."
Our oldest son resolved the problem by saying, "Dad, we are 'biracial.'"
A group of similar kids and teachers in his high school formed a "biracial" social club and coined the
term. It is an obvious and correct answer. Sign me as ... BILL K., STATEN ISLAND, N.Y.
life

DEAR READERS: The "Carole and Rick in Delaware," whose wedding invitations contained an insert
suggesting that a check made out to the Chutzpah Travel Agency toward a Hawaiian honeymoon
would be appreciated, are not Carole and Rick Ratel.
The recently wed Carole and Rick Ratel of Delaware also had a Hawaiian honeymoon -- but it was
paid for in advance as a gift from the father of the bride.
I am indebted to Mrs. Patricia E. McDaniels of Newark, Del., the mother of the bride, for setting the
record straight.
life

life
Ophthalmologist's Exam Is Eye-Opening Experience

DEAR ABBY: I had my eyes examined by an ophthalmologist who should have had his head
examined. I am considering sending HIM a bill for services inadvertently rendered. Let me explain:
Dr. Toad (not his real name) must think that his female patients are so preoccupied with their eyes that
they will not notice that the doctor's knee, arm, chest or whatever is pressing against them with more
than ordinary pressure in this dark and very quiet examining room. (Actually, my knee was being
sexually assaulted.)
Had I said anything, he would have feigned unawareness of any undue familiarity and accused me of
having a dirty mind. So, I decided to handle this in my own way. From now on, anyone who treats me
like a lady for hire will get my bill in the mail.
Any comment? -- RUBBED THE WRONG WAY
DEAR RUBBED: Yes. Anyone, male or female, who feels that a professional is behaving
unprofessionally should speak out immediately on arriving at that conclusion.
And should it happen a second time, a letter of complaint should be addressed to the county medical
association.
life

DEAR ABBY: That snob who wrote to you, fearing that her uneducated in-laws might corrupt her son's
English, was abominable. There are many more important things in life than correct grammar.
My late father, the son of Jewish immigrants, had to quit school at 14 to go to work. He and my late
mother went on to become very successful businesspeople who sweated blood to educate their
children.
I have always felt that what my parents achieved with very little education is far more impressive than
what I have achieved.
My father's grammar may not have been as good as mine, but he was by far the better man. He was
also highly respected in his community.
That snob who wrote to you, fearing that her uneducated in-laws might corrupt her son's English,
should get off her high horse. Self-made people like her uneducated in-laws -- and my parents -- have a
lot more to offer than some people who collect diplomas and degrees.
I would give everything I own if I could hear my parents talk in their poor English for only one more
hour.
You may definitely use my name. -- CHARLES S. LIPTON, M.D., BOXBORO, MASS.
life

DEAR ABBY: Just a note to thank you for publishing information on how to find a long-lost relative
through the Salvation Army.
I did just that, and they found my brother -- not in this country, but in Scotland! He and our mother had
a reunion after 39 years! Abby, it's all because of your column. How can I thank you? -- LOU
FARTHING IN WASHINGTON
DEAR LOU: You just did.

life

included.)
MIDWIFE'S PRACTICE OF MEDICINE
LEAVES DAUGHTER FEELING SICK
life

DEAR ABBY: My mother is a native of Mexico. I don't know if you are familiar with the medical-
pharmaceutical practices in Mexico, but they are very "relaxed." In Mexico, my mother was a midwife.
She assisted the local doctor, but she has had no formal training. She has lived in America for 30 years
and fully understands the laws of being a citizen.
I recently learned that my mother is giving injections to people who seek her out. These people obtain
the medication in Mexico and my mother has a syringe. A relative brought her children over to be
injected with so-called vitamins, so I asked her why she was doing this. She said, "The American
doctors are afraid to cure people quickly."
I said nothing more to anyone; then I told my mother that if she continued to practice medicine without
a license, I would turn her in. She laughed and said that she would stop. I know my mother and doubt
that she will stop.
Abby, I don't want to turn her in. Other family members agree that what she is doing is wrong, but they
think it's none of my business. Their attitude and my mother's actions appall me, but I don't want to
visit her in jail. Please answer in the paper. -- CONCERNED DAUGHTER IN FRESNO
DEAR CONCERNED: I consulted my personal physician, Dr. Jaime Paris, who practiced at the Mayo
Clinic for 20 years. He said: "Regardless of what the laws are in Mexico City, the woman is breaking
the law here. Furthermore, if the needles she uses are not properly sterilized, she could be spreading all
kinds of diseases. Inform her emphatically and immediately that no one should be giving shots unless
supervised by a doctor of medicine or osteopathy."
life

DEAR ABBY: Whatever happened to dinner? Everyone here in my section of Florida eats "supper,"
never dinner, in the evening. Isn't it correct that if you have lunch at noon, you have dinner at night? Or
if you have dinner at noon (as farmers do), then supper is a light meal in the evening?
Even the "Golden Girls" on TV refer to their dinner as "supper," and it's obvious they are not eating
their dinner at noon. -- FLORENCE KRUEGER, BAYONET POINT, FLA.
DEAR FLORENCE: Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines "dinner" as "the principal
meal of the day." And "supper" is defined as "the evening meal, especially when dinner (the principal
meal of the day) is taken at midday." "Supper" is also described as "a light meal served late in the
evening."
So, technically, you are correct. But if local or regional custom dictates that the evening meal be called
supper -- then the word from here is, Don't argue with the natives, or you might wind up eating your
words regardless of the hour.
life

included.)
life
Divorced Parents Join Hands for Daughter's Happy Wedding

DEAR ABBY: I have read so much about divorced parents creating problems at their kids' weddings
that I had to write and let you know what happened at mine.
My parents divorced when I was 2 years old. For years, I heard Mother and Dad bad-mouth each other.
And I went for years without seeing my father because of their dislike for each other.
Then, when I was in my early teens, my parents started mending fences, and I got to know my father
better. I soon realized that Dad wasn't such a bad guy after all.
OK, I am now 21 and have just married a wonderful young man. Dad got married last year and the
hostility between my parents just seemed to evaporate!
I got the nicest present anyone could have given me. My mother and my stepmother gave me a surprise
bridal shower -- together! Mom insisted that Dad give me away at my wedding, and she and Dad stood
together at my side to give me their blessings.
My stepmother insisted that Mom and Dad sit together at the wedding dinner. My parents laughed and
danced together and everyone had a super time. I didn't have to ask anybody to please be nice for my
sake. There were genuine good feelings. I get emotional just thinking about it. Sign this ... DREAMS
CAN COME TRUE IN TEXAS
DEAR DREAMS CAN COME TRUE: What an upper your letter is! Your parents (and stepmother)
showed rare maturity, sensitivity and generosity. Few children of divorced parents are as fortunate.
Lucky you!
life

DEAR ABBY: This is the first time I have written, but I thought you might find this letter of interest.
When my daughter informed me more than a month ahead of time that she and her husband planned to
give me a big 80th birthday celebration, I remembered a letter that appeared in your column several
months ago, from a woman who requested that all of her "gifts" go to the local food bank.
Well, the party was a huge success. More than 70 guests attended, and 145 pounds of food and $137 in
coins and checks were donated. My photograph appeared in the local paper and I received bouquets of
flowers from the local flower shop and radio station -- with congratulations for having given my
"birthday gifts" to the food bank!
What a wonderful feeling to know that I have helped the hungry through these very difficult times. It
was so worthwhile.
It would make me very happy to hear that many others would do the same. Just sharing the occasion
with my wonderful friends was present enough for me. -- HELEN IN OTTAWA, CANADA
DEAR HELEN: Congratulations on your 80th! May you celebrate many more and continue the spirit
of giving. This letter may inspire others to celebrate their birthdays by encouraging others to give to
those who are hungry.
life

life
Don't Wait for an Invitation to Help Someone in Need

DEAR ABBY: Concerning people who are hooked on drugs and/or alcohol, I just read a letter in the
San Diego Union from the woman who signed herself, "Broke the Cycle in Dallas." I agree with the
writer wholeheartedly, and with your response as well. However, I would like to go one step further:
Family members CAN help "someone who doesn't want help" -- someone who is in denial. Denial, and
that "false sense of control" we call delusional thinking, creates havoc in relationships. However, this
denial can be broken through with a process called Intervention.
I recommend Intervention to anyone who is frustrated by another person's drinking or using. You don't
have to wait for someone to "hit bottom," which could ultimately be death.
I am a professional counselor at The McDonald Center for Alcoholism and Drug Addiction Treatment
at Scripps Memorial Hospital in La Jolla, Calif. To learn more about Intervention, call a local treatment
center -- or call our 24-hour Parent and Teen Helpline: 1-619-458-4357. -- JOHN C. SEAMAN, M.A.
DEAR MR. SEAMAN: Thanks for a potentially lifesaving letter for the thousands of people who are
hooked on alcohol and/or drugs but insist they can handle it -- which they cannot.
life

DEAR ABBY: We have a daughter who is a senior in college. She was very popular in high school.
She was homecoming queen, a cheerleader and an "A" student.
In her second year of college, she started dating guys with long hair. None of them were druggies, but
they were all long-hair types. We would have called them "hippies" in my day. Her latest boyfriend has
a tattoo on his arm. Well, last week our daughter came home with an ugly tattoo of an eye on her ankle!
Abby, we are decent people, but I feel as though our daughter has betrayed us and all our teachings and
beliefs. I know that tattoos are fashionable right now, but I am sure the day will come when she will be
sorry and embarrassed about that tattoo on her ankle. I am humiliated and would like to know how
much parents are supposed to take. -- UNHAPPY DOWN SOUTH
DEAR UNHAPPY: You are taking this too personally; keep in mind that the ankle with the tattoo is
your daughter's, not yours. Your daughter sounds like a bright, responsible young woman. Don't worry
about her tattoo. Should she ever feel sorry and embarrassed, the tattoo can be covered with a
cosmetic. Two of the best -- Covermark or Dermablend -- can be found in most department stores and
some pharmacies.
life

2/2/24, 2:12 PM Many Denominations Support a Woman's Right to Choose
Many Denominations Support a Woman's Right

to Choose
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DEAR ABBY: With all the talk about "pro-life" and "pro-choice," I am confused about where the
various religious denominations stand in the controversy.
Can you please tell us which religions support a woman's right to choose? -- CONFUSED IN ST.
PAUL
DEAR CONFUSED: It is confusing. Not only do the various theologies differ in their positions on
abortion, but within each religion individual members (and groups) may also have differing beliefs.
The following are the official positions of some of the major religious groups that support a woman's
right to choose.
AMERICAN FRIENDS SERVICE COMMITTEE (QUAKERS): Supports a woman's right to follow

her own conscience concerning child-bearing, abortion and sterilization.
CHURCH OF CHRIST, SCIENTIST: "Matters of family planning are left to the individual judgment
of members of our church."
CONSERVATIVE JUDAISM: Opposes government restrictions on a woman's right to have an

abortion.
EPISCOPAL CHURCH: "Any proposed legislation on the part of national or state governments
regarding abortions must take special care to see that the individual conscience is respected."
ISLAM: Abortion is allowed for any reason in the first 40 days of pregnancy (approximately 5.7
weeks). They oppose abortion after this point, except if the woman's life is in danger. The issue of fetal
deformity is an issue that is being examined by the church.
PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH: "The abortion decision must remain with the individual, and be made on
the basis of conscience and personal religious principles, and must be free of governmental
interference."
REFORM JUDAISM: The decision of whether or not to have an abortion is the woman's. Under
traditional Jewish law, the fetus is not considered separate from the woman until its head is out of the
womb.
UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST ASSOCIATION: Supports the "right to choose contraception and

abortion as a legitimate expression of our constitutional rights."
UNITED CHURCH OF CHRIST: "Upholds the right to have access to adequately funded family
planning services, and to safe, legal abortions as one option among others."
UNITED METHODIST: Supports the legal option of abortion under proper medical procedures.
ZEN BUDDHISM: "A decision should be made in full awareness of the consequences, and should be
made by the individual with a clear head fully awake to the whole issue."
AMERICAN BAPTIST CHURCHES: Have adopted a neutral position.
No stated position has been announced by: African Methodist Episcopal, Buddhism, Evangelical
Lutheran Church in America, Seventh-day Adventists, Shintoism, Sikhism.
For further information, contact the Religious Coalition for Abortion Rights, 100 Maryland Ave. N.E.,
Suite 307, Washington, D.C. 20002; (202) 543-7032. No self-addressed, stamped envelope is required.
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included.
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Widower Looking for Company Finds Women in Hot Pursuit

DEAR ABBY: Your letters from women who are "faking it" to satisfy their husbands are hilarious! But
there is definitely another side to the story.
For 48 years I was married to a wonderful woman. Every sexual encounter was an expression of love --
not lust. She initiated the activity as often as I did. Then she suffered a paralyzing stroke, so for seven
years I bathed her daily and cuddled her as I laid beside her as her beautiful body withered away. Our
love did not require the sexual act; holding her in my arms was all I needed. She has been gone for two
years, and no one could ever take her place.
I am a shriveled 76-year-old man and certainly nothing to look at. Last year I joined a senior citizens
group, and you would think I am Clark Gable! Widows swarmed like flies to garbage! The first woman
I danced with outweighed me by 100 pounds and wanted to "dirty dance" with me. The first night I had
three invitations to spend the night. I never went to another meeting, but I've gone on overnight trips
with the group. Abby, women knocked on my bedroom door! If you could see me you would know
how hard up they must be.
I would like to find a woman for companionship, and possibly later on sex might enter the picture. But
every woman I've met -- even in church -- makes advances. If these old gals have been faking it with
their husbands, why do they become sex maniacs as soon as their husbands are gone? -- NO
BARGAIN IN MINNESOTA
DEAR NO BARGAIN: Please don't label all women who long for intimacy "sex maniacs"; maybe all
they want is a warm body to cuddle with. You are apparently more attractive than you think you are.
Rejoice and count your blessings. Every 76-year-old widower should have your problems.
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DEAR ABBY: I recently attended my first major league baseball game. The batter lost control of the
bat and it flew into the crowd, striking a young girl. They carried her off and the game continued.
We never heard any more about it. Was the child hurt? Is she alive? Who knows? Does anybody care?
The game went on.
There wasn't one word about it in the newspaper, but there was an article about a "minor hand injury"
suffered by one of the players. Now, that's what I call bizarre! -- "C" IN K.C.
DEAR "C": You call it "bizarre" -- I call it a matter of priorities. Whose? The reporter who covered the
baseball game.
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DEAR ABBY: We had to laugh when we read the letter from the "Schnorrs of Arizona," who objected
to the use of their name as "schnorrers" -- moochers, freeloaders, beggars. Our name is "Schmuck" --
how do they think we feel? -- THE SCHMUCKS OF ORMAND BEACH, FLA.
life

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to: Dear Abby, P.O. Box
69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed
envelope.
life
Making Coffee Leaves Bitter Taste in Secretary's Mouth

DEAR ABBY: I am a secretary and have been for some years now. But recently, I started working with
a new company, and I have one major problem with one of the higher authorities (who isn't my
boss/supervisor) who uses me as her personal secretary -- and I do mean personal. She has me doing
her income taxes, her daughter's income taxes, her lease, etc., and making coffee. The last duty is
extremely irksome.
Yes, I am supposed to assist her, as directed by my boss. But he means as an aide, not a maid. I do not
like coffee, therefore I don't drink it -- so why do I have to make it? I really don't think coffee-making
is in any secretarial job description.
I really would like to tell her to do her own personal things and make her own coffee, but she's very
sneaky and I fear she might go behind my back and tell my boss some off-the-wall story. How do I
handle this without jeopardizing my job or any future references I may need when I decide to change
jobs in the future? -- NO PERSONAL SECRETARY
DEAR NO PERSONAL SECRETARY: If you are comfortable with your own boss, talk with him
confidentially. Keep the level professional, and calmly explain what this lady is asking you to do,
specifically. Tell him that the woman's personal requests are cutting into company time and
productivity.
From there on it is the responsibility of your boss either to direct you to fulfill this lady's requests or
not. But remember, it is the boss's responsibility to speak to this "higher authority" -- and not yours.
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DEAR ABBY: I need to settle a dispute concerning proper telephone etiquette. When someone
telephones me and I am not at home, my brother asks if there is a message. If there isn't one, he
terminates the conversation.
I say he should ask who is calling, so that I will, at least, know who called. As it stands, when I get
home all I am told is, "Someone called -- and he didn't leave a message."
My brother insists he has no right to ask more than, "Do you care to leave a message?" He says it
would be rude -- an invasion of privacy -- to ask more.
I say it is acceptable to ask, and if the caller does not wish to leave his name, he can say no. Who is
right? -- D.K. IN CONN.
DEAR D.K.: It is not rude to inquire, "Who is calling, please?" But the problem could be easily
resolved by using the following routine:
The telephone rings. Your brother answers it. The caller asks, "Is 'Donna' there?"
Your brother replies, "May I ask who is calling, please?"
If the caller does not wish to leave his or her name, the stock reply will be, "Never mind, thanks, I'll
call back later." (Then he will hear the dial tone.)
But nine times out of 10, the caller will give his name if asked before he's told whether the party he's
calling is home or not.
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FACT THAT'S FICTION FAILS TO NULLIFY
YOUNG MARRIAGE
life

Dear Abby | October 3rd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 3
DEAR ABBY: I married at the age of 14. My husband was 18. We both lied about our ages, swearing
that I was 18 and he was 21. Our marriage lasted 14 years, during which time we had three lovely
children, and then a very messy divorce!
Two years later, I married a truly wonderful man. We have been married 24 years.
Now I find that my first marriage wasn't legal because I didn't know that any lie on a marriage license
makes it null and void.
Also, Arkansas law states that no one under the age of 16 can get married, even with parental consent.
(Check with a lawyer.)
Please, Abby, let people know about these laws. It's not only Arkansas that has this law, it's almost
every state. Maybe we can save some other poor soul from going through what I did 26 years ago. The
hurt never goes away, even if you do find out 26 years later. I wish someone would have let me know
of those laws! -- ENLIGHTENED IN MYRTLE CREEK, ORE.
DEAR ENLIGHTENED: According to the offices of the County Clerk and the County Attorney in
Little Rock, Ark., couples under the age of 17 may marry, but only with parental consent. And if they
are 15 and under, they may marry only if they are expecting a child -- or are already the parents of a
baby. In either case, parental consent is needed, and if they already have had their baby, they must also
provide the birth certificate.
Also -- it is NOT TRUE that "any lie" on a marriage certificate makes it null and void! It is understood
that any fact used by consenting persons at the time a standard marriage license is issued (even if
incorrect) does not automatically void the marriage license.
life
Dear Abby for October 03, 1991

DEAR ABBY: My father died when I was 4, and my mother remarried.
When I was 13, my mother died, leaving my brother and me to live with our alcoholic stepfather. This
is a man for whom I have no love or respect -- only sympathy. He abused me mentally and also
physically, so I moved out when I was 18.
Now I am making out my wedding invitation list. Do I have to invite him? I don't want to hurt his
feelings, but I am afraid of how he will act and what he may say to other guests. My stepfather and I
haven't spoken in years. He makes no effort, and the farther I stay away from him, the happier I am.
Please help me out. I want to do the right thing, but I don't want him to spoil my wedding day. --
WHAT TO DO
DEAR WHAT TO DO: You answered your own question when you wrote: "The farther I stay away
from him, the happier I am," and signed off with, "I don't want him to spoil my wedding day."
Now, give yourself a wedding gift and don't risk inviting anyone who may spoil your wedding day.
life

life
IT PAYS TO KNOW YOUR RIGHTS IF YOUR CREDIT

CARDS ARE STOLEN
Dear Abby | October 2nd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Ellen," whose 75-year-old friend was out $4,000 (her credit cards were
stolen and she was duped by a phone call into not reporting it), and anyone else who has in their
possession even one credit card: READ YOUR CREDIT AGREEMENT!
Your maximum liability for unauthorized use is $50 per credit card. Prompt reporting also helps, as
you cannot be charged for any purchases made with that card after you have notified the card issuer.
That could mean even less than $50.
The sob stories about people who have lost "thousands," with all due respect to this elderly woman,
make me ill. Was she carrying 80 cards? Otherwise, her liability could nowhere approach $4,000. More
likely, she just didn't know her rights and responsibilities. And shame on Ellen for merely reporting her
plight instead of finding out what her friend's rights were.
Also, those other "wonderful" folks who offer (for a sizable fee) to keep records of all your credit cards
and notify the issuer if the cards are lost or stolen are a rip-off. You can do the same thing yourself for
nothing if you'll just keep a record of each card number and the telephone number to call in the event
of loss, etc. The numbers are usually toll-free and are printed on your credit agreement and on the card
itself. Just make sure you write it down and file it, because you won't have the card to refer to after it's
stolen. -- HOME ECONOMIST IN WOODRIDGE, ILL.
DEAR HOME ECONOMIST: I'm sure the woman who unnecessarily paid out $4,000 because she did
not know her rights/responsibilities would have been grateful to have had your reminder at the time.
But credit card registries perform a real service for people who are not as well-organized as you -- and
might be too shaken by their loss to think clearly. For a small annual fee, one telephone call is all a
person has to make. And for some, that can be very reassuring.
life

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had the pleasure of attending two lovely church weddings recently.
We arrived early to ensure getting aisle seats so we could get a clear view of the bride and wedding
procession as they came down the aisle. (You can probably guess my question at this point.)
A few minutes before the ceremony was to begin, the usher brought some late arrivers to our row and
we were then forced to move down to the middle of the pew. How rude! Abby, please inform the young
or ignorant for me what is proper and courteous. I have looked in your wedding booklet and cannot
find the proper way to handle this. -- M.L.B. IN MIDLOTHIAN, VA.
DEAR M.L.B.: When an usher asks you to "move down, please," tell him (or her) politely and quietly
that you arrived early to get an aisle seat, thank you. Then stand up and allow the latecomers to walk
past you to the middle -- or end -- of the pew.
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DEAR ABBY: I have a son who is just 2 years old. "Owen" is a very shy child and he isn't talking yet -
- except for a few words. My problem is my friends and relatives. They are constantly telling me that
something is wrong with Owen because he doesn't talk yet. They imply that he is a slow learner or he
must have a hearing problem. Owen's doctor says there is nothing wrong with his hearing, and he isn't
any slower at learning than the average 2-year-old. Abby, this has caused me many sleepless nights.
What should I say to these people who insist that Owen isn't normal? -- OWEN'S MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Tell them that Owen's doctor has said there is nothing wrong with Owen's hearing,
and his learning ability is normal for a 2-year-old -- and the doctor's professional opinion is the one
you value most.
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life
Irresponsible Witnesses Become Partners in Crime

Dear Abby | October 1st, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: Nearly every day, we read or hear about a major crime (such as murder) that was
committed in the presence of many witnesses, but nobody called the police until after it was too late to
save the victim.
Have we forgotten Kitty Genovese, who was stabbed in three separate attacks for more than half an
hour in the courtyard of her New York apartment while 38 neighbors watched and did nothing? Only
one person called the police -- and that was after Kitty was already dead!
That happened in 1964, but it inspired the social psychologists to study the apathy of our "I-don't-want-
to-get-involved" society so prevalent in our nation today.
They concluded that when more than one person witnesses a crime, there is a "diffusion" of
responsibility -- all the witnesses assume that "someone else" will call the police. So nobody calls.
I am not proud of the fact that I have been guilty of the above attitude. Please print this. -- NEVER
AGAIN IN N.Y.C.
DEAR NEVER AGAIN: Thank you for writing to acknowledge your guilt. Perhaps your letter will
cause others who witness a crime to call the police immediately.
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DEAR ABBY: Please settle an argument I am having with a friend. She says it's tacky to state on an
invitation to a bridal shower where the bride is registered.
I say it is a proper way to let people know where they can buy a gift. And it doesn't mean that everyone
invited to the shower has to buy the gift at that store.
If you think it is considered tacky, please suggest a less tacky way of letting people know what the
bride needs. I do not want 50 people calling me to ask where I am registered. -- A BRIDE WHO IS
REGISTERED
DEAR BRIDE: Stating on the shower invitation where the bride is registered is not tacky; it is a
convenience to those invited to the shower. Of course they have the option of buying a shower gift
elsewhere if they so choose.
life

DEAR ABBY: A recent column contained a letter from "California Granny," who wrote on behalf of
her daughter who had 7-month-old triplets. She asked you to ask your readers to refrain from stopping
the parents of multiple birth children to ask personal questions, such as, "Did you take fertility drugs?"
This reminds me of the story about a young woman with six children waiting on the street corner for a
bus. An elderly woman approached her and remarked that all the children so greatly resembled her --
but could they all be hers, since they appeared to range only several years in age?
The young mother replied that they were three sets of twins -- born a year apart, and they were all hers.
"My," said the older lady, "Do you and your husband have twins every time?"
"No," said the young woman, "Most of the time we don't have any!" -- A MORRISVILLE, PA.,
READER
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WIFE ESCAPES FROM HUSBAND BEFORE
DEATH COULD THEM PART
life

Dear Abby | October 6th, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: It hurts to be criticized for not having left an abusive mate after the first time the abuse
occurred.
You consistently advise your readers to seek help from their minister, priest or rabbi. It is my sincere
hope that the counselors in the church are more enlightened today than the one my ex-husband and I
saw in the late 1960s.
After taking considerable physical abuse from my husband, I threatened to leave him unless he sought
counseling with me. He finally agreed, and we went together to our clergyman. After I described the
many episodes of brutal beatings that put me in the hospital, my minister reminded me that the Bible
said, "Turn the other cheek."
Abby, this minister had one of the largest congregations in this country. Of course, my husband
continued to beat me, thinking it was his right as the head of the household, and I was convinced that
the church knew best. Thank God, I finally came to my senses and divorced the bully. -- NO NAME
OR TOWN, PLEASE
DEAR NO NAME: Obviously, you no longer subscribe to the biblical injunction to "turn the other
cheek." There is hardly a passage in the Old or New Testament that hasn't been interpreted in more
ways than one.
I would never advise turning the other cheek if the first one was black and blue. Nor would MOST
clergy in the 1990s.
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DEAR ABBY: The enclosed appeared in the South Bend (Ind.) Tribune's editorial section titled "Voice
of the People." It was good for a chuckle in the newsroom; perhaps your readers also might find it
amusing. It was submitted by James R. Inwood of South Bend. -- KAREN MURPHY,
INDIANAPOLIS STAR
DEAR KAREN: This exchange of letters typifies the particularly subtle form of communication that
parents and children often share:
DEAR DAD: Thing$ are pretty good here at $chool, but they could be better. $ome thing$ are needed
mo$t de$perately. I hope you can gue$$ what I mean and $end $ome $oon. -- Your loving $on
DEAR SON: NOthing is new here. I kNOw that you are doing better NOw than you have been. Write
aNOther letter soon. I want to get this off in the NOon mail, so I'll sign off NOw. -- Love, Dad
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CONFIDENTIAL TO LOST AND HELPLESS, THE 14-YEAR-OLD GIRL WHO WROTE FROM
TORONTO, CANADA: You have done nothing wrong, so, please, do not be embarrassed to tell your
parents -- or a school nurse! Your brother needs help immediately, or he may become a full-fledged
child molester. You did not give me your name or address or I would return the money you sent. I
cannot accept it. My advice is free. Please write again.
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life
BRIDE WORKS TO MAKE SURE HER WEDDING IS

CHILDPROOF

DEAR ABBY: I have a BIG problem. I am getting married on Nov. 23. My fiance and I are having a
wedding reception with more than 200 guests. There are NO children invited.
According to the etiquette books that I have read, it is not proper to put "No Children" on your
wedding invitations. (Mine are already printed up the proper way.) Anyway, one of my aunts is upset
because her son and his wife have a 2-year-old boy who has cerebral palsy and some mental
retardation. They claim that they cannot get a baby sitter for the boy and that they are bringing him to
the wedding. They brought him to a family wedding last year, and everyone was buzzing about it.
I don't understand why they can't get a sitter. They have plenty of time to find one. And I don't want
you to think that we don't want the boy there because he has a disability. (My fiance also has a physical
disability.) But it is not fair to my fiance's family, some of whom have small children, too.
How do I handle this? I have already told my aunt "No" in so many words. She's one of those
hardheaded people who wants her way all the time, and I am determined that she is not going to win
this time. I don't even understand why she is getting involved when it is her son and daughter-in-law's
place to talk to me about it. -- PRESSURED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PRESSURED: Wait until your cousin and his wife respond to your wedding invitation with the
number of guests that will be in their party. If they put down more than two, then you have every right
to call your cousin's wife and explain to her that this is an adults-only affair. You are right -- there is
ample time for them to arrange for a sitter. And if they can't find one, then they should send their
regrets instead of bringing an extra guest for whom their hosts are not prepared -- which is the height
of rudeness.
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DEAR ABBY: You once published a piece in your column about a little girl who had died. She was
ascending to heaven with her lighted candle, but her mother's tears kept putting the candle out.
Would you please print it again? We recently lost a child, and I keep thinking about that column but am
unable to locate it anywhere.
Abby, thank you for all the helpful columns you have written over the years. -- LINDA DOUGHERTY,
CHINO HILLS, CALIF.
DEAR LINDA: My heart goes out to you; please accept my condolences.
You must be a longtime reader. The last time I printed that item was December 1984. Here it is:
Losing a child is the most tragic experience a parent must bear. But one must believe that it is more
than a coincidence that God and Good are similar words. Here is a little story one of my readers sent
me:
There once was a procession of children marching in heaven. Each held a lighted candle, and as they
marched, they sang. Their faces shone with happiness. But one little girl stood alone.
"Why don't you join us, little girl?" one happy child asked.
"I can't," she replied. "Every time I light my candle, my mother puts it out with her tears."
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included.)
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WIFE'S GREEN-EYED MONSTER MAKES HUSBAND SEE
RED

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for nearly five years and have two
adorable children. We are each other's best friend, get along great, and have a terrific sex life.
My problem: When a sexy-looking woman comes on TV, I change the channel. This infuriates my
husband like you wouldn't believe. He is normally not a violent man, but he gets so angry he looks like
he'd like to strangle me! This is the only thing we ever fight about. I can't stand to see the way he looks
at women with low-cut dresses or miniskirts.
Yesterday, he was watching a beauty pageant, and when all the girls came out in their bikini bathing
suits, I thought his eyes were going to fall out of his head!
Abby, can you blame me for changing the channel? -- JEALOUS
DEAR JEALOUS: Yes. If your marriage has survived five years of channel-changing because of your
jealousy, your husband must love you very much.
Grow up. The problem isn't your husband's -- it's yours. Since you can't stand to see him appreciating
the sight of a provocative female on TV, you should leave the room.
life

DEAR ABBY: I have had this problem for years, and it keeps getting worse: my teeth.
I have no dental plan and I'm unemployed right now. Abby, I hide my teeth 24 hours a day. If someone
talks to me, I turn my head and pretend to be interested in something to one side, so he won't see my
teeth. I don't even brush my teeth in front of a mirror because I get too depressed. I often have dreams
about my teeth falling out with all my friends watching and laughing. It's a living nightmare.
Abby, I feel like my life is going nowhere. If I could just get my teeth fixed, a whole new world would
open up to me. Meanwhile, I'm ... KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT
DEAR KEEPING: Schools of dentistry (as well as state and local dental societies) operate dental
clinics where low-cost -- or free -- dental care is available for those who qualify.
Your county dental society should be listed in your telephone directory. And any dentist can refer you
to the nearest dental college.
Do not delay. Your general health can be undermined by infected gums and decaying teeth.
life

DEAR ABBY: A friend gave me an idea she said came from your column years ago that solved the
"thank-you note" problem in her family. I use it with my two children and it works!
They may not spend the money, play with the toy or wear the clothing until their thank-you notes are
written. I began this practice when they were too young to do it for themselves. Now, my 5-year-old
dictates his note to me and I write it verbatim (which amazes him) and then he signs it! My 9-year-old
does it herself.
I have tried to remind them if they were the sender, they would like to know how the recipient felt
about the gift -- or even if it arrived. -- LINDA BYZEWSKI, KINGMAN, ARIZ.
life

DAUGHTER'S SEARCH FOR DAD ENDS
HAPPILY WITH HIS CALL
life

DEAR ABBY: About 20 years ago my parents divorced. My mother kept my father's whereabouts
unknown, and eventually all contact was lost. When I turned 18 and left home, I tried to no avail to
locate my father. I gave up after six years, until I read a letter in your column. You gave the address for
the Salvation Army, which has a Missing Persons Service to help find close relatives. I contacted them,
and yesterday I received a telephone call from my father!
Many years have passed and he has a new family, but I hope we can build a relationship now.
Thank you, Abby, from the bottom of my heart, for making this possible. Please publish the
information about the Salvation Army at least once a year. Maybe there can be other happy endings. --
YVETTE IN NEWPORT BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR YVETTE: No need to thank me. That's what I'm here for.
Readers, the Salvation Army operates a Missing Persons Locator Service in 90 countries throughout
the world. This service is available to the public. Those interested should be aware of the following
basic guidelines:
1. The inquirer should be searching for a near relative. Please do not request a search for old
classmates, sweethearts, wartime buddies, friends or neighbors. And do not ask to find runaway adult
children or someone owing you money.
2. The inquirer must be able to provide essential information about the missing person.
3. The Salvation Army reserves the right to accept or reject any request for services based upon
consideration of reasonableness, feasibility or notice.
4. The inquirer is asked to forward a $10 non-refundable donation.
5. The inquirer may secure information and/or a missing persons inquiry form by contacting the nearest
Salvation Army office in his area or by contacting the nearest Territorial Headquarters.
Addresses: P.O. Box C635, West Nyack, N.Y. 10994; 1424 Northeast Expressway, Atlanta, Ga. 30329-
2088; 30840 Hawthorne Blvd., Rancho Palos Verdes, Calif. 90274; 10 W. Algonquin, Des Plaines, Ill.
60016.
life

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have no children, but we plan to try in the near future. If we have a son,
my wife wants to name him after me.
The problem is I already have a son named after me from my first marriage, and I don't think it would
be right to have two half-brothers with the same name. It could cause them both problems in the future
with bank accounts, charge accounts, loans, wills, etc.
My wife seems to think these would be only minor inconveniences. I don't see it that way.
Am I wrong for saying no to naming another son after me? And can you offer a possible solution to
this problem? -- H.J.K. Jr.
DEAR H.J.K. JR.: You are not wrong. If that's the way you truly feel, why not reverse the first and
middle names? Instead of "Henry Joseph Klophammer" (not your real name), name him "Joseph Henry
Klophammer."
life

life
Readers Debate Knuckling Under to Buckle-Up Laws

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from "J.C. in Gainesville" who wondered if he was
wrong for ordering his passenger to "buckle up or get out!"
If he was writing from Gainesville, Fla., he should know that buckling up is the law in Florida. He
could receive a ticket if he or his passenger does not have on a seat belt.
Recently a father was arrested in Florida when his unbuckled child died in a car accident. It is the
driver's responsibility to make sure that everyone in his car is buckled up! J.C. definitely did the right
thing. -- M.P. IN FORT LAUDERDALE
DEAR M.P.: Read on for an opposing view:
DEAR ABBY: In regard to your column on Sept. 12, "Buckle Up or Bail Out": The person who didn't
want to use a seat belt may have had a serious phobia about it. I wish the do-gooders would use their
own seat belts but keep their noses out of other people's lives. There have been cases of UN-belted
survivors who would have been killed if they had been belted -- but that information is withheld from
the average citizen.
I have done enough investigating on my own around here and have found that when nothing is said
about a traffic fatality being belted or not, they were belted. Regarding the state trooper who said, "I
have yet to unbuckle a seat belt from a dead person," I have also heard that only medical personnel can
remove a body from a car. (Maybe that varies from state to state; I don't know.)
I prevented an accident some years ago while I was a front-seat passenger and the driver fell asleep at
the wheel. I couldn't have acted in time had I been belted. If the driver demands the passenger use a
seat belt, then the passenger has the right to demand that the driver obey every law and rule, too! It's
possible to be belted and dead.
I'd feel a whole lot safer on the road if the seat belt zealots put as much effort into preventing accidents
as they do in protecting their great god and savior, the Seat Belt Law!
This letter is not intended to stop anyone from using his belt. I'm not opposed to healthy diets, either.
But I don't think anyone would want a law enacted and enforced that would penalize everyone who has
gotten overweight or let his blood cholesterol get too high -- even though such a law might save lives. -
- H.O. IN SUMNER, IOWA
life

DEAR ABBY: Your column on "faking it" created a big stir in Mesa, Ariz. A radio station in our town
asked women over the age of 18 to call in and tell listeners whether they "faked it" or not. The results
were: Out of 100 women, 58 said they did not fake it, and 42 said they did. -- NOT FAKING IT IN
MESA
life

life
Best Fire Prevention Is Planning for the Worst

DEAR READERS: It's National Fire Prevention Week again, and the message for 1992 is: "FIRE
WON'T WAIT -- PLAN YOUR ESCAPE!"
Since 80 percent of all fire deaths occur in the home, knowing how to escape will dramatically increase
your chances of survival.
Firefighters urge you to replace the batteries in your smoke detectors when you turn your clocks back
from daylight-saving time -- Sunday, Oct. 27. However, the warning of the smoke detector is not
enough. You must have a well-rehearsed plan of escape before a fire strikes.
Remember, smoke is thick, and you can't see through it. Also, toxic gases can be disorienting, so you
should practice crawling close to the floor, feeling your way along walls until you reach the door to the
exit.
Fire drills are essential to ensure safety, so all members of the family should participate. You should all
plan two escape routes from each room and make sure that each exit is accessible. Also, check for
windows that could be painted shut, furniture blocking doorways, dead-bolt locks too high for children
to reach, etc., and remedy these obstacles before a fire breaks out.
If you must escape through smoke, remember to crawl close to the floor where the air is fresher. If your
clothing catches fire, stop, drop to the floor and roll to extinguish flames!
If there are elderly, disabled or very young family members, special efforts to get them out must be
planned. They should also be included in your fire drills.
Many lives have been saved because a farsighted homemaker had a sturdy rope attached to an upstairs
window, enabling those who were trapped upstairs to slide down the rope to safety.
And remember, once you are out -- stay out. Never go back into a burning house in an effort to "save"
anything.
Fire drills are important not only for homes, but for schools and places of employment.
Although this year's motto is "Plan Your Escape," I would hope that everyone who reads this has at
least two fire extinguishers that are in working order; one for the front of the house or apartment, and
one for the back.
life

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, you recommended a reply to any intrusive question; it was, "Why do
you ask?"
I can't tell you how often I have used this, and I must thank you for it again. -- JANE
THEODOROPOULOS IN REDWOOD CITY
DEAR JANE: The "Why do you ask?" response covers a multitude of presumptuous questions that
should not have been asked in the first place. And it always throws the nosy questioner off balance and
renders him/her speechless.
Thank you for thanking me, Jane. It gives me the opportunity to let my readers know that they are not
compelled to answer an embarrassing (or personal) question just because someone had the nerve to ask
it.
life

Teen's Question About Will Could Be Cause for
Concern
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl who often reads your column. I was wondering how I could get -
- or make -- a legal will. I have few valuables, so it's mostly personal stuff that I want given to certain
people.
I don't want my parents to know. Please send me some information on this. Thank you. -- NO NAME,
PLEASE
DEAR NO NAME: It is rather unusual for a 14-year-old to inquire about how to make a legal will. I
am concerned about why a person so young would want this information.
Regardless of how strict your parents may seem to be, in times of serious trouble they are your best
friends. However, since you do not want your parents to know, please talk to your school counselor.
And please don't be afraid to tell the counselor what it is that troubles you. Only if you discuss your
problems can you get the help you deserve.
Please talk to the counselor immediately, and then write again and let me know how you are. I care.
life

DEAR ABBY: Can you stand one more story about a phony money-making scheme?
My mother, a widow who lives on her Social Security, received a telephone call advising her that she
had won three prizes -- an automobile, $10,000 in diamonds, and her choice of a vacation in Hawaii,
California or Florida! Well, Mama thought she had died and gone to heaven!
The man on the phone told her that all she had to do was let them send her their "products" to try; the
products were free, but she had to pay for shipping, handling and insurance, which was "only
$699.99."
Then the caller asked Mother if she had either MasterCard or Visa. She said she had MasterCard. So
she was asked to give him her card number. She became suspicious and hung up! The man called her
back saying, "We must have been disconnected." Then Mother said, "I'm sorry, I was advised never to
give my credit card number to anyone on the telephone." She then hung up and immediately called the
Better Business Bureau to report this company. She was thanked, and then told that they already had
the name of this company on file!
Abby, please run this in your column. There are still plenty of people who might fall for this kind of
scam. -- NO FOOL IN PHOENIX
DEAR NO FOOL: You would be amazed to learn how many people continue to fall for this kind of
scam. I have warned my readers never to give their credit card numbers on the telephone. Thanks for
the reminder.
life

DEAR ABBY: I appreciated your column on "faking it" -- especially the letter from "Deserves an
Academy Award" who wrote: "Of course I fake it. All women do. I adore my husband, but he couldn't
find my erogenous zone with a road map."
Well, we have been happily married for 51 years, and my husband did not need a road map to find my
erogenous zone. I gave him directions. -- HAPPY IN OHIO
life

life
Man's Tall Tale Leads to a Very Short Marriage

DEAR ABBY: You were right in your advice to "No Guts," who had given his fiancee a three-carat
cubic zirconia. (You told him to find the guts because it would be better if she got the news from him.)
I only wish he had written his letter a year ago. Here is the female point of view:
My fiance gave me a two-carat "diamond," saying he had inherited it from his grandfather. He said the
jeweler that mounted it had told him its value was "between $8,000 and $10,000 dollars." When I
asked if he'd ever had it appraised or insured, he said he hadn't -- because he didn't want to pay an
inheritance tax. His mother didn't even know he had it, he said, and I could never tell her because it
would cause a family feud!
Of course, being in love and blinded by this gorgeous "rock," I fell for the whole story, and proudly
showed it off at work and to friends and family. Imagine my embarrassment (yes, after the wedding!)
when I took it to a jeweler to have it appraised, and he told me it was not a diamond!
When I confronted my husband, he gave me another string of lies, saying that either one of his
previous roommates had found the ring in the apartment and replaced the stone with a fake, or that
when he took it to the jeweler for engraving, the jeweler must have switched the stones. Then he said
that he knew when he said "I do" that it wasn't a diamond, but planned to replace it (without my
knowledge) on our first anniversary.
Needless to say, eight months before our first anniversary, I divorced this con artist.
I learned my lesson the hard way -- and my sympathies go out to his next victim. "No Guts" should
heed your sound advice, Abby, but I would also advise women to be wary of and question any diamond
that is over one-half carat if it has no papers. -- E.Z. DECEIVEE
DEAR DECEIVEE: It's discouraging to contemplate a world where a bride-to-be must see in black and
white that her fiance is on the up and up. Not all that glitters is gold, nor is all that sparkles a genuine
diamond.
life

DEAR ABBY: A few months back I sent for your booklet on "How to Be Popular." It did me so much
good, I'm a different person. I read it several times, and then passed it on to family and friends. It may
never get back to me, so will you please send me another copy -- along with "How to Write Letters for
All Occasions" and "How to Have a Lovely Wedding"?
I read your column every day -- and it makes such good sense. God bless you. -- HELEN LEWIS,
OOLOGAH, OKLA.
life

DEAR ABBY: Do you happen to know George Bernard Shaw's very witty definition of love? --
JAMES K. IN MIAMI
DEAR JAMES: Yes. "Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and
everybody else."
life

life
DAUGHTER'S SEARCH FOR DAD ENDS HAPPILY WITH

HIS CALL

DEAR ABBY: About 20 years ago my parents divorced. My mother kept my father's whereabouts
unknown, and eventually all contact was lost. When I turned 18 and left home, I tried to no avail to
locate my father. I gave up after six years, until I read a letter in your column. You gave the address for
the Salvation Army, which has a Missing Persons Service to help find close relatives. I contacted them,
and yesterday I received a telephone call from my father!
Many years have passed and he has a new family, but I hope we can build a relationship now.
Thank you, Abby, from the bottom of my heart, for making this possible. Please publish the
information about the Salvation Army at least once a year. Maybe there can be other happy endings. --
YVETTE IN NEWPORT BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR YVETTE: No need to thank me. That's what I'm here for.
Readers, the Salvation Army operates a Missing Persons Locator Service in 90 countries throughout
the world. This service is available to the public. Those interested should be aware of the following
basic guidelines:
1. The inquirer should be searching for a near relative. Please do not request a search for old
classmates, sweethearts, wartime buddies, friends or neighbors. And do not ask to find runaway adult
children or someone owing you money.
2. The inquirer must be able to provide essential information about the missing person.
3. The Salvation Army reserves the right to accept or reject any request for services based upon
consideration of reasonableness, feasibility or notice.
4. The inquirer is asked to forward a $10 non-refundable donation.
5. The inquirer may secure information and/or a missing persons inquiry form by contacting the nearest
Salvation Army office in his area or by contacting the nearest Territorial Headquarters.
Addresses: P.O. Box C635, West Nyack, N.Y. 10994; 1424 Northeast Expressway, Atlanta, Ga. 30329-
2088; 30840 Hawthorne Blvd., Rancho Palos Verdes, Calif. 90274; 10 W. Algonquin, Des Plaines, Ill.
60016.
life

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have no children, but we plan to try in the near future. If we have a son,
my wife wants to name him after me.
The problem is I already have a son named after me from my first marriage, and I don't think it would
be right to have two half-brothers with the same name. It could cause them both problems in the future
with bank accounts, charge accounts, loans, wills, etc.
My wife seems to think these would be only minor inconveniences. I don't see it that way.
Am I wrong for saying no to naming another son after me? And can you offer a possible solution to
this problem? -- H.J.K. Jr.
DEAR H.J.K. JR.: You are not wrong. If that's the way you truly feel, why not reverse the first and
middle names? Instead of "Henry Joseph Klophammer" (not your real name), name him "Joseph Henry
Klophammer."
life

FAMILY HAS CAUSE TO CELEBRATE
BIRTH OF DOWN SYNDROME CHILD
life

DEAR READERS: October has traditionally been Down Syndrome Awareness Month, and has been so
declared by the National Down Syndrome Congress.
Because I have so often heard from parents or grandparents of babies born with various disabilities, I
thought that the following might be helpful.
It is important to remember that no one can predict at birth how far your child will go, or what your
child will be able to achieve. Therefore, each child should be given the opportunity to reach his or her
full potential -- whatever that might be.
For information on Down syndrome, and to be put in touch with the local Down syndrome
organizations, contact the National Down Syndrome Congress, 1800 Dempster St., Park Ridge, Ill.
60068-1146; telephone: (800) 232-6372.
Readers, because one of the most difficult tasks parents of a Down syndrome child must face is making
the initial announcement to family and friends, I offer this beautiful birth announcement as a guideline.
On the birth of their second daughter, Hannah Marie, Greg and Janet Roy of Mesa, Ariz., sent the
following announcement:
"July, 1990
"Dear Friends and Family: Our beautiful second daughter, Hannah Marie, was born July Fourth. We
want to add a personal note to this announcement because we would like you to know that Hannah was
born with Down syndrome.
"In the last few days, we have experienced many ranges of emotions and have learned a great deal
about all the positive ways Down syndrome can affect our daughter and our family.
"Hannah is a beautiful, responsive baby, and we hope you will accept her into your hearts without pity
or reservations. Please don't feel that you have to pretend that she is `normal,' and please feel free to
ask us any questions you may have about her.
"With God's help, we hope Hannah will grow up strong and healthy. We want you to share in the joy of
her progress along the road to maturity. She may travel that road a little more slowly than the others,
but we will consider each new milestone in her life a blessing.
"Though our hurt and disappointment may still be fresh, we know that God has placed Hannah in our
home and in our hearts for a very special purpose. We also know that our lives will be enriched by all
the special gifts Hannah was meant to bring to her friends and family. Her presence has already filled
our home with much happiness. Please celebrate her birth with us. Sincerely, Greg, Janet and Emily"
life

DEAR ABBY: After reading the following item in the newspaper, I no longer hand-carry gifts to
weddings:
"Two gentlemen, handsomely attired in tuxedos, appeared at a fashionable wedding at a country club.
The guests on the bride's side assumed the gentlemen had been invited by the groom's family, and the
guests on the groom's side assumed they had been invited by the bride's family. The tuxedoed
gentlemen took charge of all the wedding gifts by placing them on a table near the cloakroom. During
the evening, the gentlemen transferred all the wedding gifts to a van, and that's the last anyone saw of
the gentlemen -- and the gifts." -- TRUE STORY, PALM BEACH, FLA.
life

included.)
life
Wife Says 'Cut' to Husband's Insistence That He Film Sex

DEAR ABBY: Like many others, I never thought I'd be writing to you. My husband and I have been
married for 20 years. About two years ago, he started getting very bullheaded and selfish -- even the
people at work mentioned it.
Our sex life was always OK until about two months ago, when he bought a video camcorder and
announced that he wanted to videotape us having sex! Abby, I have never been a prude, but that's
where I draw the line. I tried to talk him out of it, but he said he would not have sex with me again
unless it was on film.
I asked him to go to counseling with me. He refused -- saying I was the one with the problem. I asked
him to have a medical checkup. He refused. I tried to tell him how degrading it would be for me, etc.,
but to no avail. He has been badgering me every night for two months!
I am at my wit's end. I am sick to death of his badgering, and I don't know what to do. I've even
thought of divorcing him, but I still love him, and we are just approaching the time when we could
travel and enjoy life. I'm signing my real name, city and state, but please don't use them in your
column, as I would be very distressed if anyone we knew found out about this. -- LIVING A
NIGHTMARE
DEAR LIVING: You surely know that your husband is a sick man. You absolutely must get him to a
doctor for a psychiatric evaluation. Please don't treat this as anything other than a potentially life-
threatening illness. Your husband's behavior could be symptomatic of a brain disorder (possibly a
tumor). You must talk to your family physician about your husband's sudden personality change. And
please write again and give me a progress report.
life

DEAR ABBY: Maybe you can shed some light on a problem that has been bothering me. Can you tell
me why my husband, who is nearly 70 (but in excellent health), has in recent years become more and
more "allergic" to soap and water?
Many of my friends of approximately the same age have confided to me that they have the same
problem with their husbands. Is there a psychological or physiological explanation for this behavior --
or is it just another way men have of aggravating their wives? -- COLUMBUS, GA.
DEAR COLUMBUS: I have heard this complaint before, but it applies to women as well as men.
There is no single explanation, but I offer the following: As a person ages, one's senses -- hearing and
sight -- grow dull, so why not the sense of smell as well?
Some older people may find it difficult or inconvenient to bathe daily. It's also possible that they do not
change their undergarments daily. Arthritis might also make it painful to wash themselves thoroughly.
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO "GOT IT BAD IN HARTFORD, CONN." Please send "Mr. Wonderful" on his
way. There is no situation as hopeless as a single woman who's got it bad for a married man who never
had it so good.
life

life
DINNER PARTY GOES TO THE DOGS WHEN SISTER-IN-

LAW IS GUEST
DEAR ABBY: I need your help. Yesterday, I invited my sister-in-law over for dinner. She came with
her dog.
When we were clearing the dishes off the table, she took a plate with some leftovers, set it on the floor,
and let her dog clean the plate. I was appalled!
This was the second time she has done this. I said nothing because there were other guests and I didn't
want to embarrass her.
When we had pets, they had their own dishes.
I hate going to her house for dinner because I know that every dish and bowl has been licked by her
dog. She has no dishwasher. How would your readers react?
She reads your column, and I am hoping she will realize how offensive this is to some people. --
NAME WITHHELD
DEAR NAME WITHHELD: Have I got an idea for an ideal house gift for you to give your sister-in-
law!
Buy a couple of dog dishes especially for her dog. You can order some with the dog's name on them.
(The dog can't read -- but your sister-in-law can.)
life

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for many years of sensible, down-to-earth answers to problems that may or
may not have entered my life -- they were enlightening anyway. Now for my silly problem. My
husband and I (70ish) recently took a trip in our RV and stopped at a favorite restaurant in
Pennsylvania that serves "family style." In other words, platters of food are on the table for all to share.
Upon leaving, I visited the ladies room, and since the woman attendant was bustling around the
lavatories, I skipped washing my hands, intending to do so in the RV. I was shocked when the attendant
stopped me and asked if I was entering the dining room. I said, "No, I'm leaving." It was very
embarrassing, to say the least. I've heard of "potty parity" -- what is this? "Potty police"? Is this custom
prevalent? -- RED-FACED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR RED-FACED: I've never heard of it, but the attendant must be a mother. And once a mother,
always a mother. Old habits die hard.
life

DEAR ABBY: I'm only 13, but I really need your help. Recently, the mother of one of my friends was
strangled in her home. She is a classmate of mine and I'll have to talk to her because the thought of
ignoring it sounds unbelievably rude. The problem is, I have no idea what to say!
I don't want to hurt her. What should I say? Or would it be better to say nothing at all? -- LOST FOR
WORDS IN TENNESSEE
DEAR LOST: Say, "I'm sorry about your mom ..."

life

Cute Wears Thin When Toddlers Order Out
Pizza
life

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter in your column from the pizza delivery truck driver, I had to
write. I also work for a national pizza chain, as an inside person taking telephone orders. (Our goal is
to take the order, make the pizza and deliver it within 30 minutes.)
The same parents who allow 3- and 4-year-olds to pay for the pizzas also put them on the phone to
order them. I have to keep four adults on hold while trying to decipher the speech of a toddler.
Meanwhile, the parents are in the background coaching him or her as to what to order, the address, etc.
These parents obviously think this performance is incredibly cute. I have also had 5- and 6-year-olds
placing orders as late as 10 and 11 p.m.
Abby, please allow me to point out a few tips for readers who order pizza:
1. Decide what you want to order before you call. We may have people on hold while you are
conferring with each other as to what size to order, what toppings, etc.
2. Have the person who knows the address order the pizza.
3. Have your money ready for the driver, since he may have several pizzas to deliver within 30
minutes.
4. Please be on the lookout for your pizza once it's ordered. Turn on a light so your address is visible at
night. Have an adult present to pay for the pizza. Also, lock up your Doberman, pit bull terrier, German
shepherd, etc.
Thanks, Abby. This is a load off my chest. -- ELAINE IN BALTIMORE
DEAR ELAINE: Grazie for the suggestions.

life

DEAR ABBY: I was happy to see that piece in your column warning your readers about bringing
valuables (jewelry) when they check into a hospital -- even for an overnight stay.
I've been an RN for 12 years and I am still amazed at the stuff people lug into a hospital.
Some come in with loads of suitcases for a week's stay. One woman brought all her diamonds and hid
them in a pillowcase -- which almost got thrown in a hamper!
Only last month, a man brought his life's savings of $100,000 in cash! Luckily, an observant employee
spotted the stash and called security to place it in the vault for safekeeping.
Elderly and confused patients are most vulnerable. I have seen patients throw wedding rings and
hearing aids in the trash cans.
Yes, there are thieves even in hospitals, but it's impossible for us to search every man, woman and
child that comes and goes here.
Please print this, Abby. No city, please. -- ROSE, AN R.N.

life

life
Cost of Vietnam War Was High in Lives and Dollars

DEAR ABBY: While cleaning out my garage, I found a P.O.W. bracelet in a small box. On the bracelet
was engraved "LCDR JOHN McKAMEY: 6-2-65" -- and then a tiny white star.
If you can locate this man's family, I would be happy to send this bracelet to them. I was very young
when the Vietnam War took place and know very little about it. Why was it started? And exactly what
was accomplished? They don't teach much about it in school, and those who served in Vietnam seem
reluctant to talk about it. -- KAREN A. TAMURA, CERRITOS, CALIF.
DEAR KAREN: The Vietnam War was the longest war in which the United States took part. It began
in 1957 and ended in 1975.
About 58,000 American men and women died in that war, and approximately 365,000 were wounded.
South Vietnamese deaths topped 1 million, and North Vietnamese losses ranged between 500,000 and
1 million men, women and children.
In terms of money, the war cost the United States more than $150 billion. According to the World Book
Encyclopedia:
On Aug. 4, 1964, President Lyndon Johnson announced that the U.S. destroyers Maddox and C. Turner
Joy had been attacked in the Gulf of Tonkin, off the coast of North Vietnam. (Some Americans doubted
that the attack had even occurred -- it has never been confirmed.) President Johnson then asked
Congress for power to take all necessary measures to repel an armed attack against the forces of the
United States and to prevent further aggression. The war soon became an international conflict. Joining
the U.S.A. were Australia, South Korea, New Zealand, Thailand and the Philippines.
On May 4, 1970, U.S. National Guard units fired into a group of peaceful anti-war demonstrators at
Kent State University in Kent, Ohio -- killing four students and wounding nine others. Small wonder
nobody wants to talk about it; it was not our proudest hour. Soon afterward, the Senate voted to repeal
the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution.
The war ended when South Vietnam surrendered to North Vietnam in Saigon (now called Ho Chi Minh
City) on April 30, 1975.
Those who are interested in locating other former prisoners of war may write to: The Assistant
Secretary of Defense of Internal Security Affairs; Attn: Principal Adviser POW/MIA Affairs,
Washington, D.C. 20301-3407.
life

DEAR ABBY: About that lady in Levittown who told her husband to take a cold shower to take off
weight: Maybe she's onto something revolutionary! Somewhere in the dim past, I got it into my head
that when the body gets too cold, the hypothalamus kicks in, and in order to maintain a normal body
temperature, it starts the body into a fat-burning program. I also think that people living in the Arctic
eat a diet that is high in calories for the same reason.
Wow! Let your imagination go. Why not build a five-acre fat farm that is nothing more than a gigantic
walk-in refrigerator? Holy smoke ... shiver yourself skinny! -- R.M. MORELL, M.D., SUN CITY,
ARIZ.
DEAR DOCTOR: If you are right, more than half of America will love you, but a five-acre refrigerator
would not be big enough to accommodate the grateful masses. So, it's back to exercise -- aerobics and
pushing away from the table.
life

life
Parents Can Breathe Easier With Swimming Pools Fenced

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from Amanda's mother, who was concerned for Amanda's
safety when visiting grandparents who have an unfenced swimming pool. She said she realized that a
fence is expensive, and asked how she could let her in-laws know how important a fence is to save the
life of a child.
The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission is very concerned about child drownings. In 1987,
more than 300 children under the age of 5 drowned in residential swimming pools and spas. This does
not even count the thousands who survived near-drowning, some with permanent brain damage.
I certainly agree with everything you said in your reply. There is no substitute for constant adult
supervision. Pool owners should learn cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) to be prepared just in case.
We would like to add our recommendation for a fence at least 4 feet high with a self-closing and self-
latching gate. This is an important additional layer of protection.
Drownings happen quickly -- a child can drown in less than 3 minutes -- and more often than not the
child is unable to cry out for help. Fencing the pool is a valuable extra measure pool owners can take to
deter a child's access to the water.
We offer to your readers our free brochure, "Children and Pools: A Safety Checklist." Send your
request on a postcard to: Pool Safety Checklist, U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission,
Washington, D.C. 20207. -- CAROL G. DAWSON, COMMISSIONER, CONSUMER PRODUCT
SAFETY COMMISSION
life

DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Andy's Mother" who was disappointed in her son because he
wanted to do manual labor and work with his hands instead of getting a college education.
Abby, my husband is 26 years old and has been a bricklayer for nearly seven years, and he is far from
stupid. He not only lays bricks, he is sometimes the foreman and has to read blueprints for large
buildings.
I wonder how many men Andy's mother knows who make $45,000 a year without a college education.
My husband works 40 hours a week, and I am able to stay home and take care of our own children. I
know a lot of "professional" people who put their children in day care because one income is not
enough to raise a family.
I'm proud of my husband. He may work with his hands, but he also has to work with his head or he
wouldn't know what to do with his hands. If it weren't for people like my husband, we would all be
living in tents with no electricity or plumbing. -- A MASON'S WIFE IN HARTFORD, CONN.
DEAR MASON'S WIFE: The mail was heavy on this subject. A Waco, Texas, reader wrote in to say
that he worked with his hands, but he also had eight years of college. He was a dentist.
life

envelope.
Woman Who Speaks Out Gets a Mouthful in
Return
life

DEAR ABBY: We are a retired couple. During a recent heat wave, we mostly stayed in the house. My
husband kept saying, "Do you hear a baby crying?" (Our neighbor across the street heard it, too.) I
walked around our back yard, and a couple of houses down, I saw a baby sitting in a stroller,
screaming! The sun was beating down on that poor little thing while the mother watered the yard. She
never even looked at the baby.
I felt so sorry for that child, I walked over there and said, "Excuse me, but it's too hot for that baby to
be out in this heat with no bonnet for 20 minutes."
She said, "B----, I work at a children's hospital and I know what I'm doing -- besides, he's been out only
five minutes!"
I said, "Don't call me a b----. He's been screaming for 20 minutes, and what you're doing is child
abuse!" Then she called me a name you couldn't print, and aimed the water hose right at my face! As I
walked away, she aimed the hose at my behind!
I am not a person who calls the police or children's services, but what should I have done? Covered my
ears, eyes and mouth like those three monkeys? -- UPSET IN OHIO
DEAR UPSET: Your neighbor has an ugly temper and a mouth to match.
You were right to speak up when you learned why the child was screaming. Although your neighbor's
"abuse" was more due to ignorance than deliberate cruelty, the woman could certainly benefit from
some instruction in parenting. Being an employee of a children's hospital doesn't automatically make
one a good parent.
life

DEAR ABBY: Can retarded people get married? I always knew I was a slow learner because I was put
in special classes for slow learners and have been labled "slightly retarded."
I can drive a car and I own my own car. I have a job making deliveries for a liquor store. I am seeing a
girl who was in my special class at school. She is also slightly retarded and she is very nice. We have
been told that if we get married, I will have to have a vasectomy and she will have to have an operation
so she will not have any children, because if we had any children, they might be seriously retarded.
I like this girl a lot and I know she likes me. We go to the same church. Do you think a marriage
between us would work? Her parents like me very much, and my mother and stepfather think she is
OK, too. Answer soon, please, as I would like to give her an engagement ring for Christmas. We will
both be 21 on our next birthdays. Thank you for your time. -- A GUY NAMED WILLIAM
DEAR WILLIAM: From what you have told me, I would say you'd make a peach of a pair. I wish you
every happiness, and may all God's blessings be yours.
life

life
Student Makes a Study of Intelligence Quotients

DEAR ABBY: What, exactly, is a person's "IQ," and how is it determined? -- A STUDENT IN GREEN
BAY, WIS.
DEAR STUDENT: "IQ" stands for intelligence quotient, and it is determined by assigning a number to
the level of skills attained on a standardized test. This number, sometimes called the "mental age" or
M.A., is divided by the chronological age (C.A.) and then multiplied by 100. The total reflects one's
comparison to a standardized group of this age.
For educational purposes, the IQ scores are categorized as follows: 125 to 140 or higher -- gifted; 115
or higher -- highly intelligent; 100 -- average.
Educable: An IQ of 50 to 75. One who can be educated academically to the level of an average child of
9 to 11 years of age, can socially adjust to family and home, and can occupationally support themselves
totally or partly.
Trainable: An IQ of 25 to 50. One who can be trained to perform self-care skills such as dressing,
feeding and toilette, can socially adjust to the home and neighborhood, and can gain some degree of
ability such as routine tasks within the home or in a sheltered environment under supervision.
A person with an IQ under 25 usually requires nursing care, and is considered totally dependent.
life

DEAR ABBY: My grown daughter is my best friend. She has given me some of life's greatest joys --
and sorrows. She is supportive, loving and generous, but she also "steals" from me. In spite of my
arguments, threats and pleas, she fraudulently charges on my credit cards and is dishonest when
confronted with her wrongs.
I am a widow on a fixed income and cannot continue to see my savings depleted to pay her bills. I've
considered moving far away to protect myself, but am dependent on her for the good times, love and
friendship we share, plus she is the mother of the grandson who is the light of my life.
Recently she began counseling to help cure her compulsive spending, and deal with her anxiety and
guilt.
I do not want to jeopardize her job or her marriage, but I am desperate to find a way to help her and
protect my financial security. Please help me. -- GOING DOWN THE DRAIN
DEAR GOING: Notify the stores where you have charge accounts that no one other than you may use
your charge account. Then tell your daughter that in order to protect yourself from bankruptcy -- and
herself from humiliation and trouble with the law -- she must not attempt to charge anything on your
accounts.
Since your daughter is in counseling to overcome her compulsive spending, at least she's trying. Let's
hope she succeeds.
life

included.
life
DRUG-USER HOPES HIS CRIES OF PAIN REACH TEENS'

EARS

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old white male who, until recently, thought I had everything going for
me. I had a wonderful girlfriend, a good-paying job, a nice apartment and a nice car. Then I began to
use intravenous drugs and before I knew it, a year had blurred by. Today I have lost everything,
everything!
I began to burglarize homes for money to buy drugs. I have lost all that was dear to me and am
currently serving time in prison for burglary. While incarcerated, I lost my father to cancer, and the
hardest thing I've ever had to do was walk down that church aisle to pay my last respects to my father -
- escorted by two guards and in shackles and handcuffs! Dad was always there for me, but I couldn't be
there for him in his last days.
Also, I found out that I have AIDS from using someone else's needles, and I don't know how much
time I have left.
I want to run to every teen-ager, grab them and scream at them, "NEVER, NEVER TOUCH DRUGS!"
If I survive my incarceration (2 to 4 years), I want to tour schools and try to teach some of these kids
before it's too late by telling them what I have learned. I can also tell them what they will miss as I'm
finding out now: I can't have a normal, healthy relationship with someone I care for, for fear of
infecting her. I will never know the joy of fatherhood because the AIDS virus could be transmitted to
my child. There is so much in life I will miss -- and all because of drugs. -- TOO LATE FOR ME
DEAR TOO LATE: If you never get to "tour schools," you will have performed a valuable service by
writing this letter. As you can see, I have printed your letter in full. God bless you, young man.
life

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me if I am right or wrong. My daughter-in-law's brother, "Bob," was married
last week, and I was invited to the wedding. It was a big social event, and one of the most beautiful
weddings ever held in our cathedral.
My daughter, "Lisa," was not invited, and now she's mad at me because I went. She thinks I should not
have gone because she wasn't invited. Abby, there is no reason why Lisa should have been invited --
she's not related to Bob, and I am related only through marriage. Also, she's never even met the bride.
Do you think she's justified in being angry and insulted over this? Now she hates me because I
attended the wedding.
Lisa is in her 50s and I am in my 80s. -- HURT IN BROOKLYN
DEAR HURT: Lisa's behavior is childish and unreasonable. Do not permit your daughter to lay a guilt
trip on you. If she "hates" you for attending a wedding to which she was not invited -- it's her problem,
not yours.
life

Closed-Captioned TV Is Not Just for the Hard
of Hearing
life

DEAR ABBY: Hooray for Cora Laird of Iowa who complained about how difficult it is to hear the
dialogue over the noisy background sounds that many television shows feel are necessary. To her list,
may I add: waterfalls, street traffic, but mostly -- background music. (In some cases I have concluded
the dialogue is secondary to the music, since there is no way I can hear what is being said!) I also wear
a hearing aid.
Your suggestion to write to the various sponsors was a bit impractical, since in a two-hour show there
are approximately seven breaks with eight or nine commercials, plus TV ads in each one. Besides, the
commercials are not the main problem -- I just hit the mute button; it's trying to hear the show itself.
The only way to reach the "powers that be" is through your column. A letter would not carry the clout
your column does. If they would put filters in their ears, they might find out how truly irritating these
background sounds are.
Have others written to substantiate this ongoing problem? -- HAD IT WITH BACKGROUND IN
THOUSAND PALMS, CALIF.
DEAR HAD IT: I have received hundreds of letters with the same complaint -- however, one contained
the following good news. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: There are about 20 million people in the United States with some degree of hearing loss
-- also millions of recent immigrants still struggling to learn English. In addition, there are millions of
adults who are learning disabled, or simply never learned to read.
What do they all have in common? They can all benefit from closed-captioned television. The
problem: Very few of them realize they can be helped by closed-captions, let alone own the caption
decoder needed to decode the otherwise invisible subtitle-like captions that are broadcast with many
television shows, and recorded with many home rental video movies. (Contrary to popular belief,
closed-captions are not just for deaf and hard-of-hearing people.)
The good news: Many people who become deaf early in life own a caption decoder. The National
Captioning Institute claims that half the caption decoders sold were sold to Hispanic and Asian
Americans who find it easier to understand new idioms and strange English expressions when they can
read and hear the words at the same time.
The bad news: People who lose their hearing late in life either don't know about closed-captions, or
consider "dependency" on captions as a sign of aging.
More good news: Starting July 1, 1993, ALL television sets 13 inches or larger made or sold in the
United States will have a closed-caption decoder built inside!
Abby, please educate your readers and encourage them to turn on the decoder at all times if they have
children at home who are reading at or below fourth-grade level. That little decoder chip inside the
television set may help put a permanent dent in the illiteracy rates of this country. -- ANDREA
SHETTLE, GALLAUDET COLLEGE, WASHINGTON, D.C.
DEAR ANDREA: Thank you for your informative letter. I am sure many will be very interested in the
information you have to share.
AND DEAR READERS: Anyone interested in learning more about closed-caption technology may
contact: National Captioning Institute Inc., 5203 Leesburg Pike, 15th Floor, Falls Church, Va. 22041.
NCI has two toll-free numbers: (800) 533-9673 for hearing people, and (800) 321-8337 for deaf and
speech-impaired people.
life

life
A Few Precautions Take Some of the Fright Out of Halloween

DEAR READERS: It's autumn again -- and Halloween will soon be here. That means it's time to
remind readers with small children that:
-- Somebody's child will be seriously injured or killed in a Halloween-related traffic accident.
-- Somebody's child will be badly maimed or fatally burned due to a flammable costume.
-- Somebody's child will be coaxed into an automobile or lured into a secluded area and sexually
assaulted.
To make sure that that child isn't yours, I offer these tips to preserve the safety of your children:
-- Use flameproof costumes only. If costumes are made at home, treat the fabric with a flame-resistant
solution.
-- Because masks, floppy hats, wigs and veils often interfere with a child's vision, use makeup instead.
-- Accessories such as swords, broomsticks, hatchets, wands, etc., should be made of cardboard rather
than plastic, metal or wood. Sharp items are dangerous!
-- Provide youngsters with flashlights to prevent falls on sidewalks or porch steps. (Positively no
lighted candles should be carried!)
-- Decorate your child's costume and trick-or-treat bag with reflective tape to make them highly visible
to motorists.
-- Remind children that they should never enter the home of a stranger or accept rides.
-- Adults can help by keeping their yards well-lighted.
-- Parents should check all "treats" before allowing children to eat them.
-- Very young children should never be out after dark unless accompanied by an adult.
So, let's make it a safe Halloween for all children, and come Thanksgiving, we will have more to be
thankful for.
life

DEAR ABBY: Like many others, I can't say I've read your column for years because I'm only 11 years
old. But I have read it a great many times.
I have a very bad habit. I suck my thumb and bite my nails. In fact, I've bitten one of my nails so low it
started to bleed without my knowing it. It doesn't even hurt. I started sucking my thumb when I was
about 3 years old; then I started biting my nails when I was about 6.
Whenever I catch myself, I take my hands away, or try to "hurt" my hand. Usually my family catches
me when I'm not aware of what I'm doing. Abby, please help me, and sign this ... THUMB IN MOUTH
AND NO NAILS
DEAR THUMB: Try this. Put a rubber band on your wrist, and when you get the urge to suck your
thumb or bite your nails, snap the rubber band hard enough to remind you to resist those old habits.
life

life
WOMAN'S MARRIAGE TO BISEXUAL IS TROUBLED BY

THREAT OF AIDS

DEAR ABBY: My husband is bisexual. I have known it since the third year of our marriage, but I
expected him to be faithful, so I figured his fantasies were his own business. Well, as it turns out, he
has not been faithful, and he is HIV positive! We have two small children, and he is a good father. We
have a lot in common, we rarely fight, and I love him.
But now the BIG problem: To be blunt, I would miss the sex and will not be unfaithful. Also, there is
the whole AIDS problem. Will he get sick? Will he infect me or the kids? Can my children have their
friends over? Should I be sterilizing the dishes and the towels? What and when do we tell the kids? Our
families? He wants to stay married; now I'm not sure I do. I have been to a counselor several times, and
I still can't make up my mind.
Please do not publish my name or location, for obvious reasons! -- HIS WIFE
DEAR WIFE: I directed your questions to Dr. Merv Silverman, president of the American Foundation
for AIDS Research. His response: "Unless more effective treatments are developed, eventually almost
all HIV-infected individuals will have symptoms and, ultimately, AIDS.
"The only way your husband can infect you is through unprotected penetrative sexual activity. Will he
infect the children? No.
"Your children can have friends over, and it is not imperative that dishes and towels be sterilized.
Studies of households with an infected individual have shown absolutely no transmission of the virus
unless there was unprotected sexual activity with the infected person.
"What and when to tell your children depend upon their ages. Since a person can look and feel well for
years, it is probably not necessary to tell your small children until the symptoms start appearing.
"What and when to tell your families depend upon the relationship you have with those family
members. Remember, however, that this disease is very difficult to deal with alone."
As to whether you should stay married, only you can make that decision. Regardless, you should be
tested for HIV because, if you have been infected, you, too, should be under a doctor's supervision.
life

DEAR ABBY: My husband (I'll call him Barry) received an invitation to the wedding of his first
cousin -- I'll call him Joe. I realize that the wedding invitations were sent out by Joe's fiancee, whom
we have never met, but it was addressed only to my husband, Barry. We have been married for 15
years and have two children. We see Joe only once or twice a year and he knows that we are married.
Am I to assume that I am not invited to this wedding? Or am I to assume it was an oversight on the part
of Joe's fiancee? Also, are the children invited? -- BARRY'S WIFE
DEAR WIFE: Your husband should call his cousin Joe, and explain this dilemma. I hope Joe will
advise his fiancee that cousin Barry has a wife and two children, after which you will probably be
invited. But don't bring your children unless they are specifically invited.
life

Streamlined Postal Service Slows Down Mail at
Home
life

DEAR ABBY: Sometimes I think that the U.S. Postal Service is its own worst enemy. They came out
with a five-digit ZIP code which the public finally accepted (after a lot of grumbling). But right on top
of that, they reduced the state abbreviations to only two characters which makes them very, very
confusing. And now, four more ZIP code digits have been added!
Abby, ask people who don't come from these nine states the following questions:
Is "MA" Maine, Maryland or Massachusetts?
Is "NE" Nevada or Nebraska?
Is "AL" Alaska or Alabama?
Is "MS" Mississippi or Missouri?
I have recently had five mailings returned by the U.S. Postal Service because the address on the
envelope had no apartment number on it. If the people who gave me their address did not include an
apartment number, I have to address their mail as I see it. Why put the onus on me?
People tend to ignore decisions they feel are wrong and that they had no choice in making. Maybe they
hope that the rules will be modified. -- HOPEFUL IN DAYTONA BEACH
DEAR HOPEFUL: The Postal Service now uses computers to speed up mail delivery. However, the
machines that scan and sort the envelopes cannot decipher them properly unless they are coded with
their new two-letter abbreviations. Mail addressed using the old familiar abbreviations is automatically
shunted aside to be handled by postal employees -- which slows the process.
If you have forgotten the new abbreviations for each state, a pamphlet listing them is available at your
local post office. Keep it handy, and you'll be amazed at how quickly you will learn the new system.
life

DEAR ABBY: You ran a piece about the benefits of hugging. I believe it was in 1988. Will you please
run it again? -- B. REAVES, WINTERVILLE, N.C.
DEAR B.R.: Here it is:
HUGGING
Hugging is healthy: It helps our body's immune system, it keeps you healthier, it cures depression, it
reduces stress, it induces sleep, it's invigorating, it's rejuvenating, it has no unpleasant side effects, and
hugging is nothing less than a miracle drug.
Hugging is all natural: It is organic, naturally sweet, no pesticides, no preservatives, no artificial

ingredients and 100 percent wholesome.
Hugging is practically perfect: There are no movable parts, no batteries to wear out, no periodic
checkups, low energy consumption, high energy yield, inflation-proof, non-fattening, no monthly
payments, no insurance requirements, theft-proof, non-taxable, non-polluting and, of course, fully
returnable.
life

envelope.
life
Pet Owner Makes Her Case for Snakes' Obvious Charm

DEAR ABBY: After reading your article about people who are afraid of pets, I had to write. I have
dogs, cats and also snakes -- all boa constrictors. While I was growing up, my brothers would come in
from working the fields and get a big kick out of throwing snakes on me. I made up my mind I wasn't
going to be afraid, so I studied up on snakes and learned everything I could about them -- that's how I
started keeping snakes as pets. Now I'm invited to bring my snakes to schools and talk to children so
they can decide for themselves whether snakes are good or bad.
Snakes make loving pets. I took my 6 1/2-foot boa constrictor everywhere with me until she got so big
I could no longer sneak her into my blouse. Boa constrictors are non-poisonous. They're intelligent,
too. When I ask for a kiss, she kisses me on the corner of my mouth.
Once, when she was on the couch with me, she heard someone coming into the house through the
sliding glass door -- so she went right after him! (Afterward, the police refused to come in to make the
report.) Dogs intimidate people by growling and showing their teeth, but most folks are terrified at the
sight of a snake!
Snakes are much easier to care for than a dog or cat. They eat only once every eight or 10 days, and
they're not slimy like most people think -- they're smooth and silky.
Before closing, I want to commend you for telling the reader who was terrified to discover a snake
coiled up in the corner of her attic, "Why kill it? People don't realize that snakes eat mice and rats, and
they're good for the environment." -- KAREN SMALL
DEAR KAREN: Snakes have gotten a bad rap ever since one made its debut in the Garden of Eden.
A few more reasons why snakes make good pets: They're quiet, you never have to walk them -- and
you'll never have to worry about anybody stealing them.
life

DEAR ABBY: "Not Perfect," who says non-smokers should assess their own bad habits before looking
down at smokers, seems to think that being an irritant to others is an inevitable part of life. Baloney!
The smell of cigarette smoke is repulsive, which is why, for 17 years, I carefully abstained around non-
smokers.
Now that I am an ex-smoker, I still have plenty of bad habits, but I am grown up enough to shield other
people from them. A partial list: I do not snap my gum, hum overtures or make noxious nasal noises in
public. When my windows are open, I keep my stereo down. It is not unreasonable for me to expect
such consideration in return, or to be outraged when I don't get it.
No smoker who exercises good manners should be treated like a leper. However, people who light up
around strangers, as someone recently did in front of me in the post office, deserve to be treated like
the insensitive clods they truly are. -- IMPERFECT BUT POLITE, STATE COLLEGE, PA.
DEAR IMPERFECT: You are right -- it is simply a matter of "good manners," which calls to mind this
time-honored quotation by Jonathan Swift (1667-1745), the witty English author of "Gulliver's
Travels": "Good manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. Whoever
makes the fewest people uneasy, is the best bred in the company."
life

life
'New' Topless Swimsuits Enjoy Worldwide Support

DEAR ABBY: This is regarding the letter from "Mother of Girls" who was indignant because she had
heard they were coming out with topless bathing suits for women. Evidently, Mother is ignorant of the
world beyond the United States.
Topless attire for women has been commonplace in France, Italy, Greece (the cradle of Western
civilization), the Turkish Coast, Israel (the cradle of Judaism and Christianity), Germany (the cradle of
the Reformation), the Scandinavian countries, Great Britain, Portugal, Spain, Malta, the Netherlands,
the Canary Islands, the Caribbean Islands, Australia, New Zealand, and every island in the Pacific
Ocean save the Hawaiian Islands.
In fact, the only remaining "bastion of the bikini top" in the Western world is the United States. So
before anybody starts tying women's beach attire to the collapse of Western civilization, it would be a
good idea to take a good look around. -- ENLIGHTENED
DEAR ENLIGHTENED: Thanks for the enlightenment. My mail has been top-heavy with comment
about that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from the "Mother of Girls" about topless bathing suits for women:
I wonder if she finds overweight men in swim trunks obscene? Personally, I'd prefer seeing a woman in
a topless bathing suit than a beer-gutted slob parading around on the beach!
Last week I noticed a man of this description sunning himself. His stomach was so big he had to stand
up before I could tell he was wearing trunks! Wouldn't you call that "indecent exposure"?
All human beings have breasts -- men and women. Some just happen to be bigger than others. The
"low" in our civilization is not the amount of clothing people choose to wear; it is the person who
believes that nudity is nasty. In a world where horrible crimes against humanity are committed every
day, I have a hard time believing that women's bare breasts will bomb us back to the Stone Age. So,
"Mother of Girls," what do I think is "left to save"? Perhaps our skins! -- RACHEL EMILIE MILLER,
SISTER OF WOMEN
life

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter you published about the 17-year-old boy who was having trouble
finding a job: You suggested that he go back to some of the places where he had applied for work and
was turned down -- and offer to work for one week with no obligation on their part.
Many years ago, I was having a very difficult time finding work. My father put an ad in the local
newspaper saying, "My son will work for free for one week to prove that he is hardworking and
honest." (Something to that effect.)
The telephone rang off the wall immediately! I was hired by the Tri-State Truck Sales Co. and worked
for them for seven years.
Your idea is certainly worth trying. -- DAVID IN STRATFORD, N.J.

DEAR DAVID: Thanks. Now that idea is in the public domain. Readers, help yourselves.
life

Ex-Smoker Made Dippy Deal Trading
Cigarettes for Snuff
life

DEAR ABBY: When I was in high school, I used to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. After I
graduated, I went to work in a nuclear plant where smoking wasn't permitted, so as a safe alternative, I
started dipping snuff.
Well, it wasn't as safe as I thought it was, because I became addicted. Dipping snuff is the first thing I
do in the morning and the last thing I do before I go to bed.
I've noticed that my gums are receding and my teeth are spreading apart. I now have a permanent dent
in my mouth between the cheek and gums where the snuff sets.
When I see my friends who are beginning to dip, I show them what's happening to me, but it doesn't
seem to impress them. Even though I am now so addicted I'm doing two cans a day, I try to get them to
quit. I guess some people will have to learn the hard way, like I did.
I hope this letter stops at least one person from dipping. It's just as bad a habit as smoking. Maybe
worse. -- ONE HOPELESS GUY
DEAR HOPELESS: It's commendable that you are trying to save others, but how about starting with
yourself?
Call the American Cancer Society (the toll-free number is (800) 227-2345) and ask what kind of
program is available for people who are hooked on dipping snuff -- then join it.
If you can kick the habit, you will make an excellent spokesperson for the former "big dippers."
Nobody can inspire others who are hooked on a habit and want to quit like the person who's been there.
life

DEAR ABBY: A year ago last spring I became engaged to a girl I thought was the most beautiful
blonde in Illinois.
I am an officer in the reserves, and when my unit was put on alert last summer, I wanted to get married
right away instead of waiting until June as we had planned. My fiancee said, "No, let's not hurry
things." I gave her an engagement ring that set me back $2,500.
We wrote to each other, and I called her every Sunday. She kept telling me she couldn't wait to be
married and always told me that she loved me.
Suddenly, after Christmas, I got a letter from her saying that she had been seeing an old boyfriend --
she was pregnant and had to get married!
When I got back home, I saw her and asked her to give the ring back. She stalled at first, then told me
she had sold it because her husband is a free-lance photographer and he doesn't work much.
My parents said, "Be a gentleman and consider the ring your wedding present to her."
Abby, they really do need the money, but now I feel as if I've been slapped in the face twice by her.
What do you think? -- SLAPPED AGAIN IN CHICAGO
DEAR SLAPPED: She should have returned the ring as soon as she knew she was not going to marry
you. You were extremely generous to consider the engagement ring her wedding present. After the
snow job she gave you, a lesser man would have demanded the ice.
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included.
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SOME FEATHERS ARE RUFFLED AFTER TOWN'S
PIGEON SHOOT

DEAR ABBY: I read in a recent column about the Midland (Texas) Community Spirit Award honoring
American communities for distinguished caring service.
While it is fitting that truly good people should be honored, may I suggest a different award -- for the
community that most shames America by its total lack of decency and humaneness. I nominate Hegins,
Pa.
Every Labor Day, this little town invites its citizens to a family outing that features a live pigeon shoot.
As the pigeons (which have been confined in small boxes) are released, and the disoriented birds
attempt to achieve flight, they are shot down by the town's "sportsmen." The birds that are not killed
instantly -- but merely wounded -- then have their necks twisted and broken by young boys trained for
this occasion.
Their slogan this year was "Shoot pigeons -- not drugs!" (As though the only sensible alternative to
shooting drugs is shooting pigeons.)
Let's hope public awareness and outrage at this unbelievable cruelty will finally bring an end to this
"sport," which the Pennsylvania legislature has refused to stop. -- ASHAMED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR ASHAMED: I hope so, too, but don't bet on it. In 1986, I wrote to then-Gov. Dick Thornburgh
(who was until recently U.S. attorney general), asking him to please put an end to this shameful sport.
He shot me down with a courteous letter defending the live pigeon shoot as a time-honored tradition.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 35 years. We are both over 60 and have a good
marriage, except for one thing -- he is much more interested in sex than I am. When I turn him down,
he gets upset and accuses me of not loving him. Abby, I do love him, and this is the only thing we
disagree about.
I would like to know more about saltpeter. I know it can be purchased in a drugstore, but does a person
have to have a prescription to buy it? Does it have any side effects other than the one wanted? Also,
can it be slipped into food or drink without detection?
I would appreciate a speedy reply. -- TIRED IN UTAH
DEAR TIRED: I consulted my friendly neighborhood pharmacist, Dave Powells. He said, "Saltpeter,
also know as 'potassium nitrate,' can be purchased over the counter without a prescription, but it should
not be slipped into food or drink because it can cause violent gastroenteritis. It could raise one's blood
pressure to a dangerous level. Also, prolonged exposure to saltpeter may produce anemia, nephritis
(kidney disease) or methemoglobinemia (blood disorder). A cold shower might cool the husband's
ardor."
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DEAR ABBY: For the grandma who loaned her grandson $500 and is having a hard time collecting
any part of it: Write him a note at Christmastime and say, "In lieu of a Christmas gift, I am subtracting
$100 from the $500 you owe." It works for me. -- N.M. IN PALM SPRINGS, FLA.
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Cousins' Small Thanks Is Noted at Holiday Dinners

DEAR ABBY: My wife's first cousin died several years ago, but my wife continues to invite this
cousin's husband and his two single adult children to our home every Thanksgiving and Passover. We
don't hear from these people throughout the year -- not even a telephone call, yet they continue to
accept our invitations. Moreover, they leave immediately after dinner. (Last Thanksgiving, after
accepting our invitation, the young man didn't show up and didn't cancel.)
Although we enjoy their company during the brief time they are with us, I think we should rid
ourselves of this "obligation" that is taken for granted and never reciprocated. I would prefer inviting
other friends and family members who would appreciate spending the holidays with us.
My wife and I have had a difference of opinion about this for years. Should we continue to invite these
people? If we decide not to, I think we should give them plenty of notice so they can make other plans.
Incidentally, we always have to leave messages on their answering machine -- then wait until they get
back to us at their convenience. We await your advice. -- N.J.G. IN WELLESLEY, MASS.
DEAR N.J.G.: Talk turkey; tell them now that you have decided to revise your guest list for
Thanksgiving and Passover, so from now on they are free to make other plans for those special
holidays because YOU have.
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DEAR ABBY: We relished the letter from Krista and Rick Toberio of San Clemente which appeared in
your column in the San Francisco Chronicle. They were the couple who woke up after their wedding
night and discovered they had been sleeping in the wrong condominium. Their story took me back --
52 years -- to our own honeymoon in the midst of the Great Depression.
My husband and I had $14.28 between us to spend on our honeymoon. Fortunately, gasoline was only
10 cents a gallon. My husband borrowed a trailer, barely big enough for two; so we went camping --
the first time ever for me. Luckily, he knew how to cook -- for I'd never learned a thing about that
gentle, necessary art, nor had I the least understanding about what camping entailed!
Somehow, we stretched those precious dollars and had a glorious weekend during which I got a terrible
sunburn and was "untouchable" for a week. We bathed out of a dishpan, relieved ourselves in holes he
dug for the purpose, and loved each other half to distraction -- as we still do.
The Great Depression wasn't all bad, for if we could have honeymooned in style at a ritzy hotel, we
would have missed that experience.
We are in our late 70s now and don't camp much, although my husband takes our grandchildren
camping, while my old bones stay at home with the cat for company. -- STILL IN LOVE IN ALBION,
CALIF.
DEAR STILL: Thank you for sharing that precious memory. When you're in love, a lumpy mattress
can be a bed of roses -- and camping out is better than a suite at the Ritz.
life

What teen-agers need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with their peers and parents is
Drunken Husband Gave Wife a Life Full of
Harsh Lessons
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Dear Abby | November 1st, 1991 | Letter 1 of 3
DEAR ABBY: Twelve years ago, I received a personal letter from you in response to my frantic plea
asking how to handle my alcoholic husband. You became my special friend. When my mother died,
you called me at home. I will never forget that. Now I want to give something back; it's some advice to
your readers from my own experience.
In a recent column, a John C. Seaman, referring to his personal experience with alcohol and drug
abuse, said, "I recommend intervention to anyone who is frustrated by another person's drinking or
using. You don't have to wait for someone to 'hit bottom,' which could ultimately be death." Those
words hit close to home!
My husband's alcoholism ultimately led, although indirectly, to his death. For 12 years I tried to help
him, and finally we agreed that he should enter an alcohol and drug abuse program in an area hospital.
Six weeks after his release, he resumed drinking. I tried "tough love" and moved him out of our house,
saying he could return when he got back on the program and quit drinking.
Well, he wasn't strong enough to quit drinking, nor was he strong enough to fight off the killer who
knifed him to death in his motel apartment. It happened in the early hours of April 10, 1991. A drug-
crazed man forced his way into my husband's apartment and stabbed him 14 times, then stuffed him
into a closet!
Now I have to live with the fact that I let him down. I failed him. It is too late for intervention. So,
Abby, please tell your readers to keep trying! Keep trying to rehabilitate your alcoholic or user. Where
there is life, there is, at least, hope.
After death, you will want them back so badly, drunk or high, but alive! I, too, recommend intervention
along with Mr. Seaman, not out of professional knowledge -- but from harsh life experience.
Call a treatment center, as he suggests. Please do not give up!
Kindest regards to you, Abby, and love to all of your readers. You may print my name. -- DIANE
SMITH
DEAR DIANE: Please accept my condolences on the tragic death of your husband. For those readers
who may have missed it, the 24-hour helpline of the McDonald Center for Alcoholism and Drug
Addiction Treatment at Scripps Memorial Hospital in La Jolla, Calif., is: 1 (619) 458-4357. That call
could be a lifesaver.
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Dear Abby for November 01, 1991

DEAR ABBY: Our son, who is 21 years old, is basically a fine person and he is usually very
reasonable. He has a new girlfriend and she has been "sleeping over." Our son lives in our garage,
which we have fixed up comfortably. He needed his privacy, and we needed peace and quiet. He feels
that since he is in a separate area, it is OK to have his girlfriend sleep over, even though it goes against
our values.
We have set certain rules for him and feel that as long as he is living in our house, he should
discontinue this sleeping arrangement. He has always abided by our rules, but thinks we are off base on
this.
What do you think? -- LOVER BOY'S MOM
DEAR MOM: I think as long as your son is living in your house, he should abide by your rules.
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MAN WITH LIMITED EXPERIENCE SEEKS STUDY OF
FEMALE FORM

DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old divorced man. My ex-wife and present girlfriend are the only
women I have ever had sex with, and both are extremely flat-chested. Therefore, I have never touched -
- or even seen -- breasts of any size except in pictures.
Sometimes this bothers me, and I find myself staring at women with large breasts. My girlfriend is
very understanding about this and even suggested that we go to a nudist camp so I could get an eyeful.
Abby, do you think going to a nudist camp would get this problem out of my system, or would it just
aggravate it?
My decision depends on your reply. -- MISSING OUT IN L.A.
DEAR MISSING OUT: Your girlfriend's "understanding" is admirable, but nudist camps are not peep
shows. They are for people who sincerely enjoy the freedom of camping out in the buff. You will find
naturalists -- entire families -- at nudist camps.
There are legitimate theaters that offer adult entertainment wherein you can see what you want to see.
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DEAR ABBY: Your column about "no-shows" (people who do not show up at a wedding reception
after having accepted) struck a raw nerve with me. I was recently married, and we had 40 no-shows at
our reception.
We included postage-paid response cards with every invitation, and about 60 percent responded to
those. I did a lot of telephoning, and held off the final count to the caterers until two days prior to the
wedding. At that time I had to make the final florist order (for every table of eight there was a
centerpiece) as well as the final champagne amounts for toasting. We figured that this cost us $1,000
extra.
To this day, we have only found out that one woman was ill, a man didn't get home from a business
trip, another man left his wife, and one couple had the flu.
Only one couple informed us personally that they were unable to attend -- three hours prior to the
ceremony. At the reception, we learned that another couple had separated and he was too upset to
attend.
Abby, please don't use my name or city; I'm hopeful this will alert some other folks, and there will be
fewer no-shows. -- AFFRONTED NEWLYWEDS
DEAR NEWLYWEDS: I wish! I have yet to hear how readers felt about my suggestion concerning no-
shows at a catered affair: "Since the food is already paid for, why not pack up the goodies and take
them home or to a homeless shelter?"
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CONFIDENTIAL TO "HANGING IN THERE" IN HOLDENVILLE, OKLA.: I admire your fighting

spirit, but an artist knows when a painting is finished, and a wise woman knows when the affair is over.
Accept it with grace, and save face.
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included.)
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WEDDING VIDEO MAY BRING SOME GLOOM TO THE
GROOM

DEAR ABBY: Recently I attended the wedding of a good friend. Because I am a photojournalist by
trade, she asked me if I would videotape her wedding, and I gladly agreed.
The wedding was beautiful and the reception went smoothly until the bride's father stopped the band to
make an announcement. He said he had "lost" his wallet, which contained $1,500 with which he had
intended to pay the band. He said if anyone found the money, it could be returned simply by leaving it
in the men's lavatory, and no questions would be asked. No money was turned in.
The following day, I looked over the footage I had taken at the reception and was astonished to see that
while filming a couple's conversation, in the background was the GROOM removing a wallet from the
evening coat of the bride's father!
Now I don't know what to do. The couple is away for two weeks on their honeymoon. Should I tell my
friend? Should I tell her father? Or should I just keep it to myself?
For the bride's sake, please do not use my name or address. -- NO NAME, NO ADDRESS
DEAR NO NAME: Call the bride's father and invite him to view the lovely video you took of his
daughter's wedding -- and you won't have to tell anybody anything.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband's brother's wife continuously flirts with my husband. She finds excuses to
hug on him or be in his face.
I have spoken to my husband and asked him not to respond to her flirtations. He has backed off a little,
but says he can't help it if she is always coming up to him.
Would I be wrong to speak to my sister-in-law about this and ask her to kindly stay out of my
husband's face? -- JEALOUS IN RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR JEALOUS: Your husband is a grown man and a free agent. If he wanted to discourage the
advances of his sister-in-law, he could easily do it with a few well-chosen words spoken in earnest.
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DEAR ABBY: I have a problem I don't know how to solve. Many years ago, my husband and I became
good friends with another couple. We have both had families since then, and have exchanged birthday
and Christmas gifts.
In recent years we have grown apart, both in friendship and in miles. I would like to stop the exchange
of gifts, as our friendship has definitely gone by the wayside, but I don't know how to approach the
couple with this suggestion without offending them.
Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated. -- NOT CHEAP, JUST PRACTICAL
DEAR PRACTICAL: Be absolutely up front with this couple. Come Thanksgiving, write a note to say
that you are thankful for friends with whom you can be completely honest, then suggest: "From now
on, let us exchange only Christmas cards -- no gifts." I assure you they will not be offended. Trust me.
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It's Time Again to Remember Servicemen Here
and Abroad
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Dear Abby | November 4th, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: It is again time for the Operation Dear Abby/America Remembers Campaign and the
great work it does for our servicemen and women stationed overseas -- and, for the first time, here at
home.
From my years of experience as a Navy fighter pilot, I know the importance of the Operation Dear
Abby/America Remembers Campaigns. A supportive card or letter to a young man or woman serving
our nation can make all the difference in the world.
Operation Dear Abby/America Remembers played a major role during Operation Desert Storm, and we
need to keep the momentum going with the America Remembers "Adopt a Unit" program.
For years, schools, groups and communities have been able to "adopt" U.S. military units stationed
overseas. Now, for the first time ever, thanks to the Armed Services YMCA, local units in the United
States can be "adopted." (Not all the troops stationed here in the United States get to go home for the
holidays!)
School groups and communities can "adopt" a ship or unit for the holidays by sending a stamped, self-
addressed business-sized envelope (No. 10 envelope) to: Operation Dear Abby/America Remembers,
c/o Taco Bell Corp., 17901 Von Karmen, Irvine, Calif. 92714.
Each group will receive a newsletter and other materials on the unit it "adopts." Once again, dozens of
volunteers from Taco Bell will process the incoming material.
As the first honorary national chairman of the America Remembers Campaign, I want to say "well
done" to America Remembers, Taco Bell, and to you and your readers. -- RANDY "DUKE"
CUNNINGHAM, HONORARY NATIONAL CHAIRMAN, 1991 AMERICA REMEMBERS
CAMPAIGN
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DEAR ABBY: I am getting married soon, and I have my bridal party already picked out, but I have a
slight problem. I would like to change my maid of honor because we are no longer as close friends as
we used to be.
I am wondering how I should go about telling her I have changed my mind without hurting her
feelings. -- CHANGED MY MIND
DEAR CHANGED: How long ago did you ask her to be your maid of honor? If it was a childhood
promise made several years ago and you have since drifted apart, she may be relieved to be replaced.
Discuss it with her.
However, if you asked her recently, there is no way to tell her you no longer want her to be your maid
of honor without hurting her feelings.
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DEAR ABBY: I am a 79-year-old woman living at the California State Veterans Home in the beautiful
Napa Valley.
One of the first questions I'm asked when I tell people that I live at the Veterans Home is: "Oh, was
your husband a veteran?"
Abby, I proudly served as a master sergeant in the U.S. Army during World War II and in the Korean
conflict. When will people learn that women are veterans, too?
Abby, perhaps if you publish this, it will serve to remind millions of people that there are women
veterans, too. -- MARTHA L. WALKER, YOUNTVILLE, CALIF.
DEAR MARTHA: Consider it done.

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Story of Dog's Bee Stings Sets Readers to Buzzing

Dear Abby | November 3rd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 3
DEAR ABBY: Please don't steer any more business to those bleepity-bleepin' lawyers. The lady whose
dog got multiple bee stings should have had her dog fenced in -- or on a leash. He was obviously in bee
territory -- not vice versa. -- TREVA ANDREA, POQUOSON, VA.
DEAR TREVA: Since that letter appeared in my column, I learned more about bees than I bargained
for. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Did that woman get the license number of that bee? Or did she read its identification tag
on its collar?
Bees are either directly or indirectly responsible for the pollination of two-thirds of all the food we eat.
Alfalfa and many grains that feed our livestock are immensely dependent on bee pollination. The bee-
keeping industry is already suffering from below-profit honey prices and the overuse of pesticides. In
the next few years, the Africanized (killer) bees will reach our temperate climate, causing even greater
mass hysteria among our citizens. -- OLIVER D. FRANK, SAN MATEO, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I can sympathize with the reader whose puppy was stung. It happened to our puppy a
second time, and I thought she would die! She's 9 years old now and has learned not to snap at
anything that buzzes.
Did that woman see the insect that stung her dog? Was it a wasp, bumblebee, hornet or yellow jacket?
And if she could identify the insect as a honeybee, can she prove it came from the hive next door? --
JEAN MEAD, WINFIELD, W.VA.
DEAR ABBY: You were right about one thing -- the honeybee stings only once and dies. Proving that
the bee came from the neighbor's beehive is another thing. There are more wild bees in tree hollows
and people's backyards than there are in all the commercial or controlled hives put together. -- CARL
E. LOWMAN, COLUMBIA, S.C.
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DEAR ABBY: In case you have forgotten, back in April 1988 you ran the following in your column:
DEAR ABBY: If you're not too tired of the bee issue, here's a little poem for you:
"The sex of a bee is hard to see
"But he can tell, and so can she.
"The queen is quite a busy soul
"She has no time for birth control.
"And that is why, in times like these,
"There are so many sons of bees." -- (Submitted, but not originated, by) JIM HARVEL, ARIZONA
BEEKEEPER
P.S. Abby, this poem has been around for a long time, but I doubt if it has a title.
DEAR JIM: Let's call it "To Bee or Not to Bee."

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DEAR READERS: Words to live by (I quote New York Times columnist A.M. Rosenthal, Oct. 8,
1991): "Silence is a lie. Silence has a loud voice. It shouts, 'Nothing important is happening -- don't
worry.' So, when something important IS going on, silence is a lie."
(Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to
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CHILD'S TASTE FOR TOOTHPASTE TURNS HER SMILE

INTO A FROWN DEAR ABBY: Recently our 3-year-old
daughter ate almost a whole tube of a popular children's
toothpaste. It is attractively packaged, in a fun shape, and tastes
almost like candy or gum. I was more

Dear Abby | November 2nd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 3
Poison control told us that the fluoride in the toothpaste was a toxic substance -- at least when more
than three ounces were consumed at one time by a 33-pound child. They advised us to give her syrup
of ipecac (which we fortunately had in our locked medicine cabinet) to induce vomiting. They also told
us that the vomiting would probably continue for several hours, along with diarrhea.
It was a long, upsetting night for all of us, but thanks to our friend and the doctors at the poison control
center, our daughter is fine today.
Abby, please warn all parents that because a product does not have a warning label does not mean that
it is safe for unsupervised use by children. Many household products are often left unlocked in
bathroom cabinets and drawers, on counters, under sinks, often by the same unsuspecting parents who
carefully lock up their medicines and cleaning supplies.
Please be more careful than I was. And if you don't have syrup of ipecac, purchase some today and post
the number of your closest poison control center next to your telephone. -- A WISER MOM IN
CALIFORNIA
DEAR WISER MOM: Thank you for your helpful reminder to other parents. Phone numbers for your
police department, fire department, poison control center and doctors should be clearly posted near
every phone, especially in homes in which there are children. Ideally, children should be under
constant supervision. But in reality, nobody can watch children 100 percent of the time.
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DEAR ABBY: I am 5 foot 2 inches and weigh 90 pounds. I try very hard to gain weight, but my doctor
tells me that I have an overactive metabolism, and that it will work itself out someday. I try to accept
that and do whatever I can to stay healthy and gain weight.
What really bothers me is being called "skinny." People say mean things like, "Every time I see you,
you look skinnier and skinnier," or they'll grab my arm, measure it with their fingers, and say, "Gee,
your arms are skinny -- you must eat like a bird." I could never imagine someone saying to an
overweight person, "Every time I see you, you look fatter and fatter!"
Abby, the reason I am writing is to make people aware that it hurts a thin person to be called "skinny"
as much as it hurts an overweight person to be called "fat." Also, it's just as hard for a thin person to
gain weight as it is for an overweight person to lose weight. I wish people could start using words like
"thin, slim, slender or petite," instead of "skinny, bony or scrawny." -- SICK OF BEING CALLED
SKINNY
DEAR SICK: Although most offenders are probably more thoughtless than intentionally mean-spirited,
your message deserves to be heard.
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Motorists, Here's a Warning: Don't Interrupt
Cops at Work
life

DEAR ABBY: Will you please ask your readers never to interrupt a police officer in the middle of a
traffic stop unless it is a dire emergency? (Directions to the nearest restaurant don't count!)
Abby, we police officers never know who we are pulling over during a routine stop. It could be a
murderer, an escaped felon or a minister. More law enforcement personnel are injured or killed during
routine traffic stops than almost any other type of police activity. (It's twice as dangerous at night.)
Please don't pull up right next to me as I'm approaching the car I just stopped and ask me for
directions! We could both be in danger and I might not be able to guarantee your safety.
We also make stops where the element of danger is known beforehand -- such as an armed robber
fleeing the scene. This is usually a planned stop where suspects are taken out of a car at gunpoint. If
you should see one or more police officers with their guns drawn and pointed at someone, don't walk
up and ask, "What's going on?" We are not filming "T.J. Hooker."
If a police officer is all red in the face and yelling at you and waving an arm in a sideways motion
while holding a gun in the other, don't wave back. It isn't a greeting. MOVE! You are in the line of fire!
Thanks, Abby, for letting me get this off my chest. -- CALIFORNIA COP, LOMPOC, CALIF.
DEAR READERS: He's right. When officers are on duty, they are not playing cops and robbers; it's the
real thing. So, please, don't interrupt an officer who is obviously busy doing his job.
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DEAR ABBY: Well, it happened again tonight! Don't people realize that in this day and age, it is not
safe to assume anything?
I am a 21-year-old man -- stable and successful -- and I am presently seeing a woman who is 19 years
my senior. For some reason (probably because I look younger than I am), people tend to assume that
we are mother and son.
Abby, you would not believe the pain and frustration it causes my girlfriend when people tell her what
a handsome "son" she has! She doesn't look anywhere near old enough to be my mother.
Tonight when we came out of a restaurant and the valet retrieved my car, the young fellow who
brought us our car said, "Gee, if my mom had a car like this, she'd never let me drive it!"
Please let your readers know that assumptions can be rude. I doubt there would be a problem if I was
40 and she was 19 or 20. -- HATES ASSUMPTIONS
DEAR HATES: Unfortunately, some assumptions -- when verbalized -- can be cruel as well as rude.
However, when a 40-year-old man is in the company of a 19- or 20-year-old woman, the assumption is
more likely to be that they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Today, when people are living longer and
taking better care of themselves (physically, nutritionally and sometimes with a little help from a
plastic surgeon), age is merely a number.
But on the chance that it could be embarrassing, it's wise to make no assumptions concerning the
relationship between a male and female.
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life
No News Can Be Bad News Where Cancer Is Concerned

DEAR ABBY: I read a letter in your column in the Oregonian that shook me up. It was from a woman
who said that her husband had had a physical every year since 1971, checked out 100 percent -- then
out of the blue he was diagnosed as having inoperable prostate cancer! No one had told him that if his
father or a brother had had prostate cancer, he should take a P.S.A. blood test. After I read this in your
column, I wrote "GET THIS" on the column and handed it to my husband, because his brother has had
prostate cancer. So with no symptoms, my husband took the P.S.A. test and was found to have early
prostate cancer!
Thank God for that letter -- and thank you, Abby, for publishing it. I had copies made and sent them to
all my male relatives. I even posted one on the bulletin board at our club. You may use my name. --
BOBBI (MRS. FRED) JACKSON, SOUTH BEACH, ORE.
DEAR BOBBI: Thank you for permitting me to use your name. For those readers out there who want
to know -- the name of the blood test is "Prostatic-Specific Antigen." And for those who need a nudge
in the right direction -- read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is a story about two men. One of them is my friend who went to his doctor for his
regular physical examination. An elevated blood count indicated that he needed further testing and, as
suspected, it was found he had two cancerous polyps on his prostate. They were removed by a simple
surgical procedure. Prognosis: He will probably live a normal life.
The other one is my brother, who had ample warning of the same problem for a year, but who kept
putting off a visit to the doctor until it became absolutely necessary. By then, the cancer had spread
through his system and he required radical and painful surgery. Prognosis: We buried him last week,
and it was so unnecessary! Please excuse the tear stains. I miss my brother. -- GRIEVING IN THE
OZARKS
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DEAR ABBY: Last weekend I went camping with my family and a friend. I met a really special guy
who I fell for right away. The problem is, I told him I was 17 (I am 15).
He is 17. Now I am worried that he will be mad at me for lying and think I am too young. The reason I
told him I was older is because a lot of guys think I'm too young even before they get to know me. I
look 17 and am very mature.
I don't think age should matter if two people really like each other. How do I convince him that I like
him so much, and that I'm sorry for lying? -- SORRY I LIED IN YUBA CITY, CALIF.
DEAR SORRY: Age does matter during the teen years, and so does the degree of maturity. Some 17-
year-old "boys" are men -- and much depends upon his degree of maturity at age 17. Liking him so
much that you lied about your age is not much of a defense, but my advice is just to be straightforward
and tell him what you've told me. Lying about one's age is, in itself, immature. But if he likes you
enough, perhaps he'll be forgiving.
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life
Woman Who Fears Doctors Searches for Painless Cure

DEAR ABBY: This refers to your answer to "Out of Ideas," whose wife refused to go to the doctor for
checkups.
Your answer was very glib. I, too, refuse to go to the doctor -- my reason is fear, pure and simple. I am
so frightened of hearing something bad, I just don't go at all. The word "tests" is enough to send my
blood pressure soaring. In fact, I can't get an accurate blood pressure reading due to fear of doctors.
I'm not as bad as "Out of Ideas'" wife; I've gone to the doctor on occasion when I've had uncomfortable
symptoms that drove me there. But the experience was sheer torture. The doctors kept saying, "Calm
down, calm down" -- but I simply couldn't. I'm in my 50s and I've never had a mammogram, and I
never go for regular checkups.
I would be delighted to learn how to overcome this deep-seated terror, but so far, no luck. I think you
should consider this in relation to "Out of Ideas'" wife. She may need help, and it has nothing to do
with her intelligence. -- SCARED TO DEATH
DEAR SCARED -- and I hope the "to death" is just a figure of speech. I told "Out of Ideas": "Short of
hog-tying her, there is nothing you can do. Every intelligent person realizes that routine physical
checkups (physical and dental) are essential to maintaining good health; and early detection, should
there be a problem, has saved many lives."
The help that both of you need is psychotherapy to overcome your fear of doctors. Literally tens of
thousands of women could have added years to their lives had they caught a malignancy sooner.
life

DEAR ABBY: Our retirement center runs a trip to the shopping center once a week. Recently I noticed
one of the residents put a tube of lipstick in her purse instead of in her shopping cart. I was behind her
in the checkout line and saw that she didn't declare the lipstick. Since then, I've been watching her. The
week before last, she slipped a bottle of fingernail polish into her bag. Last week, it was toothpaste.
If I speak to her about her pilfering, I know she will deny it and say all sorts of unpleasant things. Still,
I am uncomfortable now that I know she is shoplifting.
Shall I tell the store manager? Or maybe tell the other village residents? Or just mind my own
business? -- IN A QUANDARY
DEAR IN: It would be a kindness to tell the woman privately that you saw her shoplift the lipstick, nail
polish and toothpaste. Tell her you fear that if she does it again, she will be caught and asked never to
enter that store again -- or worse yet, arrested. This would be not only embarrassing, but a blow to her
family -- and it would reflect badly on the retirement center.
life

DEAR ABBY: More about "dinner" and "supper": So you'll know where I'm coming from, I live in
Winona, Minn., a small city in the heart of the Mississippi's famed Hiawatha Valley.
Here when we eat our evening meal at home, it is virtually always "supper" and is our principal meal
of the day.
However, when we go "out" to eat, we never call it "supper." Nobody here ever goes "out" for
"supper," but everybody goes "out" for "dinner" now and then. -- ROD HURD
life

envelope.
Good Genes, Good Sense Give Woman Long
and Happy Life
life

DEAR ABBY: This upbeat piece was written by my aunt, Marie R. Beatty of Denver. She wrote it for
her family, but I think it deserves a wider audience. I hope you can find the space to use it. -- MARCIE
THOMPSON, PEPPER PIKE, OHIO
DEAR MARCIE: I MADE the space, and thank you for sending it.
80 PLUS -- SO WHAT!
"People ask me how I can be so contented living alone. I am almost 84. First, I never really feel alone.
There's so much life around me, I don't even eat alone. I have a tiny television set on my breakfast
table, and I still live in the same house I lived in when my husband was alive.
"I find life very interesting. I can hardly wait to read my daily newspaper and the magazines I get. I
want to live forever -- just to see what will happen!
"A bridge game now and then helps to keep my mind alert. So does keeping a diary and a scrapbook.
"I have a new project, a la Grandma Moses. I'm writing stories. It's fun, whether they're published or
not.
"I think a person's attitude has more to do with staying young than genes. Of course, it's important to
eat sensibly. (Even George Burns drinks prune juice!) And a little daily exercise is also necessary. I
have an arthritic knee, so I can't take long walks. Instead, I exercise in bed just before I get up in the
morning. First, I thank God that I'm alive, then I concentrate on the GOOD things that will happen that
day. Is there a better way to start the day?
"I think older people should do their share of entertaining -- even if it's only homemade cookies and
tea.
"Sometimes the rain gets in my way; then I remind myself that others may need it, so I put on my red
raincoat and go out.
"Family is important. And how wonderful to have a grandchild call you a 'good sport.'
"It doesn't bother me if I forget something. Children are the best forgetters in the world.
"I consider getting older a triumph, but I want to keep on learning. There is so much to learn!
"At night I say, 'Thank you, God, for everything. If I didn't accept all the good things I was offered, it
wasn't your fault; they were there. I'll be around tomorrow.' Then I fall asleep. -- MARIE BEATTY
"P.S. Perhaps I should have waited until I was 90 to write this, but I just couldn't wait to express
myself. I expect to be around for a while; my mother lived to be 96."
life

DEAR ABBY: I hope you won't think that this is a dumb question. My mother serves fish all the time
and tells us that fish is brain food. I told her that it isn't true -- it's only a myth. I have asked everyone
in our family and they say that Mother is right, but I still think she's wrong. Tell me, Abby, is eating a
lot of fish going to make a person smarter? -- A KID IN ROSWELL, GA.
DEAR KID: First of all, there are no "dumb" questions -- only people who remain ignorant because
they haven't the courage to ask questions.
It is not true that fish is "brain food." According to The Dictionary of Misinformation by Tom Burnam:
"Perhaps the myth that fish is 'good for the brain' arose from the fact that the nerve tissue which forms
a part of the brain is rich in phosphorus, and fish do provide phosphorus-containing compounds. But so
do meat, poultry, eggs and milk."
I know of no food that will make people smarter. Fatter, yes. Smarter, no.
life

life
A BEE IN HER BONNET IS NOT THIS WOMAN'S WISH

DEAR ABBY: I have a strange and wacky problem that I have never seen addressed in your column. I
have an intense fear of bees, hornets and wasps. I'm sure this will seem silly to many, but there may be
others who share this crazy fear, although I have never met them.
Over the years, my fears have intensified. It is very embarrassing at times. Whenever I hear anything
that sounds like a bee -- an electric razor, a buzzing sound on the radio -- I have a panic attack until I
can locate the source.
I rarely go outdoors in the summertime (thank God, I work in an office), and I never wear perfume in
the daytime during bee season. When I do gather the courage to go to a barbecue or some other outdoor
event, I either leave early or stay inside the car. There must be a place for me to "escape" to or I won't
even consider going.
My last apartment was chosen with great consideration for its landscaping. There are no flowers or
bushes to attract bees. I am so deathly afraid of bees that I have (a) jumped out of a moving car, (b) left
a 2-year-old child in the middle of the street, (c) run out into traffic, and done other outrageous things
in a panic while trying to escape from bees.
Otherwise, I am a sane and sensible person. I wish there were some kind of device I could wear to
discourage bees from coming to me. -- PAULA IN QUINCY, MASS.
DEAR PAULA: Your problem is not bees, it is your inappropriate overreaction to the buzzing. Your
irrational fear is making you a potential danger to yourself and others. Therefore, I urge you to work
through your phobia with a therapist who specializes in banishing such fears. (Ask your family doctor
for a referral.)
Meanwhile, ask your local pharmacist and/or the proprietor of the nearest sporting goods store for a
reliable bee repellent. And good luck.
life

DEAR READERS: "As our society ages and people are living longer, many older people suffer from
aches and pains which they dismiss as signs of old age, and choose not to consult a physician," says
Dennis Boulware, president of the Louisiana Arthritis Foundation.
"While over 37 million Americans suffer from arthritis, it is not a normal part of aging. (The symptoms
of arthritis include pain and swelling in the affected joint.) Pain and swelling are not natural, and
should not be tolerated -- especially when there is medical treatment available."
This reminds me of a very old story my dear, departed father used to tell: An elderly man went to see
his doctor about a pain in his right leg. The doctor examined the patient quickly, then said, "Well, what
do you expect, Mr. Goldberg -- that leg is 80 years old."
Mr. Goldberg replied, "Well, doctor, the other leg is also 80 years old and it doesn't hurt."
life

life
Teen's Self-Worth Is Lowered by Her Boyfriend's Cheap Talk

DEAR ABBY: Our 17-year-old daughter, "Marcie," is going steady with "Brad." They are both seniors
in high school.
During Marcie's junior year, she ran with the wrong crowd, made some bad decisions about smoking
and drinking and, yes, even sex. She was very honest with Brad, and now he is being verbally abusive -
- throwing her past in her face and making her feel like dirt. She quit smoking and drinking, but there's
nothing she can do about her virginity. After being with Brad, she comes home and cries because he
makes her feel so cheap and dirty. They fight all the time about it. He acts like her judge and jury.
What can I do? She says she's in love with him. He's the second boy she's gone with who's been
verbally abusive. It took Marcie a year to get over the first one.
How can I help her? She doesn't want me or her dad to talk to Brad or his parents about this. I'm so
worried about her. Please help. -- OHIO MOM
DEAR MOM: I know you love your daughter and would do anything to help her, but this is one job
Marcie has to do herself. She needs to forgive herself and rebuild her self-esteem. She should not
permit anyone to degrade her, or make her feel cheap.
Marcie has made some mistakes (who hasn't?); now she needs to respect herself enough to say
goodbye to anyone who tries to degrade her. No family member can help Marcie. Get her into
counseling. If her school has no counselors, try your local department of family services or United
Way.
life

DEAR ABBY: A mother wrote to you in agitation over her gay daughter's "lifestyle." I am writing in
agitation over the use of that word -- as if it is used to describe continually bizarre and abnormal
behavior.
Abby, like all the rest, we are born, we live our lives, and then we die. Along the way we go to school,
to work, to church, we are sick and we are well, we are happy and we are sad, we pay taxes and give to
charity, we enjoy family and friends, we buy cars and houses and books, we watch TV and go to the
movies, we play golf and football and bridge, we go to offices and factories and farms, we vote and we
volunteer, we worry about money and politics, and we are tired at the end of the day. Some of us love
another of the same sex. It would seem so small a thing, like the color of the skin, in such a wide, wide
world.
Will you gently chide your readers, Abby, that we are all far more alike than we are different? --
NORTH CHATHAM, N.Y.
DEAR NORTH CHATHAM: Your chiding is identical to my philosophy.

life

CONFIDENTIAL TO J.N. IN BALTIMORE: Go for it! "Fortune is a prize to be won. Adventure is the
road to it. Chance is what may lurk in the shadows at the roadside." Those are the words of one
William Sydney Porter, whose pen name was O. Henry. (Surprise!)
life

included.)
2/2/24, 2:13 PM Memories of Kent State Will Not Rest in Peace
Memories of Kent State Will Not Rest in Peace

life

DEAR ABBY: I must take exception to your response to Karen A. Tamura of Cerritos, Calif.,
concerning the Vietnam War.
You said that National Guard units fired into a group of peaceful demonstrators at Kent State
University, killing four and wounding nine.
Mobs are seldom "peaceful." These "students" confronting the National Guard at Kent State that day in
1970 constituted a mob. Their zeal for a cause led them astray. Four had to die before reason regained
the upper hand. They were armed with bricks, rocks and clubs, and were scarcely in a mood to exercise
discretion. It is ever so easy, after the fact, to declare what was should not have been. -- ALLAN E.
BOVEY, SPRINGFIELD, MASS.
DEAR ALLAN: Read on:
DEAR ABBY: For years I have fumed as I read the sob stories about the "peaceful anti-war
demonstrators" at Kent State. I know Vietnam wasn't a popular war -- I hated it, too. It is too bad these
demonstrators were killed -- but peaceful? NO!
1. These "peaceful" demonstrators burned the ROTC building.
2. These "peaceful" demonstrators had been ordered to leave, but refused.
3. These National Guardsmen were about the same age as the "peaceful" demonstrators. They were
there obeying orders. Wouldn't you feel your life was threatened if you were a member of a small
group facing a large crowd who was pelting you with stones and other missiles? Small wonder
someone panicked and fired.
Everyone has heard about the "peaceful" demonstrators who were injured or killed, but the public has
never heard about the guardsman who phoned his young wife and cried as he told her what he had
seen, and who today, at age 48, still has problems as a result of what happened that day, and the
subsequent questioning and harassment these innocent young men were subjected to because of the
Kent State riots!
No, I wasn't there -- but my 22-year-old brother was an Ohio National Guardsman protecting his
country, his state and the taxpayers' lives and property. -- HAD IT WITH KENT STATE IN OHIO
DEAR ABBY: Perhaps being attacked with bricks, bottles, etc., is a peaceful demonstration to you, but
those 18-year-old guardsmen were scared into retaliation. Where, oh where, has the truth gone? --
PHYLLIS GOLLESLIN, MELBOURNE, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: The governor of Ohio did not send for the state National Guard because of "peaceful
anti-war demonstrators" at Kent State in May 1970. Mobs of raging students were roaming the campus
-- pillaging and burning everything in sight (including whole buildings). Local authorities were
terrified and helpless. Blame the issuance of live ammunition to a group of frightened soldiers,
completely inexperienced in mob control, who were being shouted at, spit on, or hit by bricks and
rocks. These guardsmen were no older than the students.
Abby, please read current accounts (unbiased) before wrongfully reporting this terrible tragedy. --
DAVID PAIGE, PUYALLUP, WASH.
DEAR DAVID AND DEAR READERS: My source for the explanation of the Vietnam War and
reference to Kent State came from the World Book Encyclopedia. I felt that this was an unbiased
account, and it was in no way intended to mislead or inflame. Referring to it as a "peaceful"
demonstration was my mistake. I now know the truth.
life

life
Trip to Mailbox May End Up as March to Altar

DEAR ABBY: Congratulations, you've done it again! You can now put another notch in your "success
column" for Operation Dear Abby.
Last Thanksgiving, I wrote a letter to "Any Serviceperson" and sent it to the Persian Gulf as a part of
your letter-writing campaign. I never really expected a reply, but I received one from a Lt. Patrick E.
Fortune, which I answered promptly. We soon learned that we had a lot in common: His name is
Patrick, my name is Patty; he's Irish-Catholic, I'm Irish-Catholic; he's one of seven kids, I'm one of
seven kids; he went to an all-boys Catholic school, I went to an all-girls Catholic school; we both have
dreamed of biking through Ireland. We also share many of the same beliefs about God, family and
values.
When Pat returned to the states, we started talking on the telephone. We have had three- and four-hour
long conversations. (Don't ask about our telephone bills!) I finally broke down and told him that I was
absolutely nuts about him! He then confessed that he felt the same way about me.
We finally met in Cincinnati over the Labor Day weekend and had a sensational time. We knew there
was no doubt about it -- we were right for each other.
Pat sent me a plane ticket so I could visit him at Fort Bragg, and our romance flourished. He will get
out of the service in about six months, after which he plans to move to Milwaukee and make spoiling
me a full-time job. That's wonderful because he's the most important person in my life.
So, Dear Abby, that's the saga of Pat and Patty. How can I ever thank you? -- PATTY TREACY,
GREENFIELD, WIS.
DEAR PATTY: You just did.

life

DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I have been friends for 6 1/2 years. I am a single man who has never
been married, and my best friend is a married woman with two children. Her husband's job allows him
to be home only three nights a week. I even stay at her home about 50 percent of the time. Her husband
has no objections to my staying in their home. In fact, we get along very well.
The problem is that everyone thinks it is abnormal for us to "hang out" as much as we do. We do not
have sex, and never will; we are not attracted to each other sexually at all. We are just good friends and
that's all.
So, what do you think, Abby? Is our relationship normal or not? I hope you will print this so our
friends will know that two people of the opposite sex can be good friends -- and that's all. -- BUGGED
IN BARSTOW
DEAR BUGGED: It is indeed unusual for a single man and a married woman who are not romantically
involved to spend so much time together. It is also out of the ordinary for the woman's husband to be as
secure and generous about his wife's close friendship with another man.
And yes, people of the opposite sex can be friends -- and that's all. It is not necessarily "abnormal," but
it is unusual.
life

DEAR ABBY: I recently remarried. My new husband was also previously married. How should I
introduce my first husband's relatives who are my former in-laws? I am very friendly with my ex-
husband's nieces and nephews, too. -- SECOND TIME AROUND
DEAR SECOND: There is no reason to call attention to the fact that you were formerly related by
marriage. Just introduce your ex-in-laws -- nieces and nephews -- as "dear" or "old" friends, and save
the explanatory details for subsequent meetings.
life

life
Good Genes, Good Sense Give Woman Long and Happy Life

DEAR ABBY: This upbeat piece was written by my aunt, Marie R. Beatty of Denver. She wrote it for
her family, but I think it deserves a wider audience. I hope you can find the space to use it. -- MARCIE
THOMPSON, PEPPER PIKE, OHIO
DEAR MARCIE: I MADE the space, and thank you for sending it.
80 PLUS -- SO WHAT!
"People ask me how I can be so contented living alone. I am almost 84. First, I never really feel alone.
There's so much life around me, I don't even eat alone. I have a tiny television set on my breakfast
table, and I still live in the same house I lived in when my husband was alive.
"I find life very interesting. I can hardly wait to read my daily newspaper and the magazines I get. I
want to live forever -- just to see what will happen!
"A bridge game now and then helps to keep my mind alert. So does keeping a diary and a scrapbook.
"I have a new project, a la Grandma Moses. I'm writing stories. It's fun, whether they're published or
not.
"I think a person's attitude has more to do with staying young than genes. Of course, it's important to
eat sensibly. (Even George Burns drinks prune juice!) And a little daily exercise is also necessary. I
have an arthritic knee, so I can't take long walks. Instead, I exercise in bed just before I get up in the
morning. First, I thank God that I'm alive, then I concentrate on the GOOD things that will happen that
day. Is there a better way to start the day?
"I think older people should do their share of entertaining -- even if it's only homemade cookies and
tea.
"Sometimes the rain gets in my way; then I remind myself that others may need it, so I put on my red
raincoat and go out.
"Family is important. And how wonderful to have a grandchild call you a 'good sport.'
"It doesn't bother me if I forget something. Children are the best forgetters in the world.
"I consider getting older a triumph, but I want to keep on learning. There is so much to learn!
"At night I say, 'Thank you, God, for everything. If I didn't accept all the good things I was offered, it
wasn't your fault; they were there. I'll be around tomorrow.' Then I fall asleep. -- MARIE BEATTY
"P.S. Perhaps I should have waited until I was 90 to write this, but I just couldn't wait to express
myself. I expect to be around for a while; my mother lived to be 96."
life

DEAR ABBY: I hope you won't think that this is a dumb question. My mother serves fish all the time
and tells us that fish is brain food. I told her that it isn't true -- it's only a myth. I have asked everyone
in our family and they say that Mother is right, but I still think she's wrong. Tell me, Abby, is eating a
lot of fish going to make a person smarter? -- A KID IN ROSWELL, GA.
DEAR KID: First of all, there are no "dumb" questions -- only people who remain ignorant because
they haven't the courage to ask questions.
It is not true that fish is "brain food." According to The Dictionary of Misinformation by Tom Burnam:
"Perhaps the myth that fish is 'good for the brain' arose from the fact that the nerve tissue which forms
a part of the brain is rich in phosphorus, and fish do provide phosphorus-containing compounds. But so
do meat, poultry, eggs and milk."
I know of no food that will make people smarter. Fatter, yes. Smarter, no.
life

Get-Well Wishes Go Astray if Not Carefully
Addressed
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a volunteer at the local hospital, and I deliver the "get well" cards to hospital
patients. Here are some suggestions to ensure that the cards are delivered to the patients without delay.
-- Be sure to put your name and return address on the envelope. This helps the patients determine
whether or not the card is meant for them. Also, if the patient has gone home, or died, we are able to
return the card to the sender. (Today we had two women with the same first name, middle initial and
last name. One woman opened all six cards, and four of them were for the other patient.)
-- When addressing the cards, use the patient's given name ("Mary L. Jones") not a nickname ("Sissy
Jones") or her husband's name ("Mrs. John Jones"). Also, do not use room numbers; patients frequently
change rooms.
Last week we received a card for "Buddy." We also had a "Charles E. ----" listed, and all his cards were
addressed to "Ed," "Eddie" and "Edward."
-- Please write clearly and do not use the entire face of the envelope for the address. If the patient has
been released, we must mark through the hospital address and squeeze the home address on the card.
-- And last, but not least, if a patient is in the hospital for a long time, send cards at frequent intervals. -
- NAOMI D. TRENARY, WINCHESTER, PA.
DEAR NAOMI: Thank you for the suggestions, which everyone should heed. Greeting cards can boost
a person's flagging spirit -- but only if they are received by those for whom they are intended.
life

DEAR ABBY: Last Friday, some friends and I went to a nightclub to listen to the band and have a
drink. Shortly after I arrived, a very attractive man asked me to dance. (I'll call him Bill.) We hit it off
immediately, and he asked if I was married. I told him I wasn't, and he said, "That's great -- neither am
I." I invited him to sit at our table, and I found him to be a really neat guy.
At the end of the evening, Bill said his ride home had left, so I gave him a ride home. He told me his
roommate had guests over and he didn't want to intrude, so we parked in front of his place and talked
and kissed for nearly two hours. When we finally said goodbye, we had spent four beautiful hours
together.
Before leaving, I gave him my phone number with high hopes of hearing from him. (He gave me no
phone number.)
A few days later, a friend who had been at the club when I first met Bill told me that Bill is a married
man who lives with his wife and four children. Abby, I was shocked. If he calls me, what should I say?
-- SHOCKED IN FRESNO
DEAR SHOCKED: Tell him that you learned that he is married, and you have no time for married
men. Then say goodbye!
life

included.)
life
COUPLE SEEKS UNITED FRONT BEFORE GOING

SEPARATE WAYS
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are separating after six years of marriage. I am 31 and he is 33. After
months of discussion and many sessions with a marriage counselor, we came to realize that we had no
common goals. (He initiated the idea of separation after expressing a desire to be on his own again.)
I have cried, bargained and offered to compromise, but his mind is made up; he wants his
independence. I refuse to commit emotional blackmail or entrap him with a pregnancy to continue the
marriage. Therefore, I have decided the best thing to do is let him go. It hurts, but this way we can part
as friends and get on with our lives.
Our problem: how to explain this to our families, friends and co-workers who have always viewed us
as the "perfect couple." We rarely fought. We trusted each other, supported each other's careers, shared
the work and had fun together. No one would suspect that we've been talking about separating for the
past four months. It will be a shock to our families and a total surprise to everyone else.
Abby, we want to be truthful and call it a mutual decision, but I know people will look for something
more scandalous than incompatibility as soon as this spreads via the grapevine.
How do we maximize understanding and minimize rumor fallout? -- D.J., ILLINOIS
DEAR D.J.: First, announce it to your parents, then inform other family members and friends. To
minimize rumors flying, present a united front. The message should be along these lines: "'Sam' and I
have agreed to end our marriage. Although it may come as a surprise to all of you, this decision is
mutual. Even though we care for each other, we have decided that we no longer want to be husband
and wife. Please don't press us further because we both would rather not go into details at this time."
If anyone is so insensitive as to question you further, simply say, "We'd rather not discuss it right now."
Good luck to both of you ... wherever your separate paths may take you.
life

DEAR ABBY: My youngest brother-in-law is getting married this spring. We live on opposite sides of
the country, but we are expected to come to this wedding. We simply can't afford to go as a family. My
husband thinks he should go anyway, even though his wife and kids can't. I disagree with him; I say if
we can't all go, then none of us should go.
I already know what the outcome is, but I would like to know what you think about this problem, and
how would you resolve it?
I also know what the outcome would be were it someone in my family getting married. I'd tell them
flat out that we cannot afford to go to the wedding, then we would send them a gift and our best
wishes.
Am I being selfish, Abby? Or is my husband? -- FEELING ABANDONED
DEAR FEELING ABANDONED: I do not agree that since all of you can't afford to go to the wedding,
nobody should go. Since your husband's youngest brother is being married and you can't afford to go
with him, I think your husband should go without you.
By the same token, if someone in your family were being married on the opposite side of the country,
and both you and your husband could not afford to make the trip, you should go without him.
life

included.
life
Wife Begs Man to Slow Down Before He's Stopped for Good

DEAR ABBY: My husband underwent multiple bypass surgery a year ago, and he's rapidly falling
back into his old habits of working too long and too strenuously. I'm afraid he is soon going to be back
to the state of health he was in when he got that heart attack.
He is in his late 50s and is still a workaholic. He is holding down two full-time jobs and, being the
perfectionist he is, he tries to excel at both. Forget exercise. He has a stationary bicycle at the foot of
his bed that he's had for two years, and it's as good as new.
The reason I'm writing is that some of my friends have told me that you had a poem in your column
titled "Slow Me Down, Lord," and I would like to get a copy so I can have it blown up and framed and
hung over his desk. He has promised that if I get it for him, he will read it every day and try to slow
down. Please? -- "SKEETER" IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR "SKEETER": The poem was written by Wilferd A. Peterson, and I hope your husband can slow
down long enough to read it. And here it is:
SLOW ME DOWN, LORD
Slow me down, Lord!
Ease the pounding of my heart
By the quieting of my mind.
Steady my harried pace
With a vision of the eternal reach of time.
Give me,
Amidst the confusions of my day,
The calmness of the everlasting hills.
Break the tensions of my nerves
With the soothing music of the sighing streams
That live in my memory.
Help me to know
The magical resoring power of sleep.
Teach me the art
Of taking minute vacations of slowing down to look at a flower;
To chat with an old friend or to make a new one;
To pat a stray dog;
To watch a spider build a web;
To smile at a child;
Or to read a few lines from a good book.
Remind me each day
That the race is not always to the swift;
That there is more to life than increasing its speed.
Let me look upward
Into the branches of the towering oak
And know that it grew slowly and well.
Slow me down, Lord,
And inspire me to send my roots deep
Into the soil of life's enduring values
That I may grow toward the stars
Of my greater destiny.
life

Woman Prefers Her World to Stay at Arm's
Length
life

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter you printed concerning all the wonderful benefits of hugging, I
had to write to express a contrary opinion.
Except for my husband, small children and animals, I am a person who does not like to be touched, and
I think I have the right to feel that way. There is nothing wrong with me, and I am sure there are others
who share my feelings.
Granted, a great many people feel that a hug can make their day, but a hug can ruin mine. Occasionally
someone I know only casually will hug and even kiss me, when I have given them absolutely no reason
to believe I would welcome such familiarity. Not wanting to appear rude, I grimace and bear it.
I don't know how this problem can be resolved, since apparently most people don't object. But how is
one supposed to know in advance that someone does not want to be hugged? However, once I inform a
person that I don't like to be touched, I would hope that my wishes will be respected.
I have even thought of wearing a T-shirt with "Thank you for not hugging me" across the front. Any
suggestions?
Just sign me ... HANDS OFF
DEAR HANDS OFF: Lest you believe you are alone in your aversion to being touched, let me assure
you that you are not. When a known hugger approaches you, immediately offer your hand, inviting the
hugger to accept a firm handshake. Your body language will signal that that's about as close you care to
get. There is nothing rude about setting limits.
life

DEAR ABBY: My co-workers and I are ticket takers at a large annual event. All too often, people, for
a number of reasons, put their ticket in their mouth to free up both hands in order to put change in their
wallets or to hold a youngster's hand -- or whatever.
They do not consider that when they remove the ticket from their mouth, they grasp the nice clean end,
while we, the ticket takers, must handle the wet and unsanitary portion.
This is a rather disgusting procedure. Oddly enough, the majority of offenders are clean and courteous
people who would ordinarily be careful of their personal hygiene, and have respect for the health and
feelings of others.
We are expected to be friendly and gracious, but how can we handle this without offending anyone?
Perhaps a word in your column would send a message to those who are unwittingly guilty of this
offensive habit. It would make work a little more pleasant for those who handle tickets for public
events. I hope this is column-worthy. -- A TOUCHY TICKET TAKER
DEAR TOUCHY: Just when I think I've heard everything, along comes a letter like yours. Is it
column-worthy? You bet.
life

DEAR ABBY: Most of us lick postage stamps. Are they sanitary? How about envelopes? -- HENRY
LOBLE, HELENA, MONT.
DEAR HENRY: Maybe yes, maybe no. But since you are concerned, use a damp sponge to moisten
postage stamps as well as the flap of the envelope, and you won't have to worry about whether they're
sanitary.
life

life
Birds in the Bush Are Safer Than Birds in Some Hands

DEAR ABBY: Bless you for your humanitarian objection to the traditional Labor Day Pigeon Shoot in
Hegins, Pa.
I happen to be a bird lover, and it may please you to know that I wrote to you in 1961 on the subject of
cruelty to birds. You printed my letter and I still have the clipping. I am enclosing a copy. You may
want to print it again. -- STILL A BIRD LOVER AT AGE 89
DEAR BIRD LOVER: It's a wonderful letter, and I certainly do want to print it again. Here it is:
DEAR ABBY: Will you please say something about people who buy birds as pets, and then mistreat
them? I have actually had people say to me, "Our canary fell into the dishwater and was drowned." Or,
"Our parakeet flew into the open fireplace and got burned up." Or, "The cat got it." Or, "The dog got
it."
I once knew a man who used to give his parakeet vodka just to see how it would act. This same man is
big and strong, and just because the bird pecked him on the ear, he knocked the bird down and broke
its wing!
What a pity that birds are the most abused of all pets. -- BIRD LOVER
DEAR BIRD LOVER: Not all pet birds are abused -- only those who are unfortunate enough to belong
to people who belong in cages.
life

DEAR ABBY: Will you please say something to older women who work at fast-food places and take
jobs from us teen-agers?
There's one who works here, and she's so goody-goody -- always on time, and she never goofs off. I
don't think she really needs the money.
She must be 50 years old -- at least. -- A TEEN, CENTERVILLE, IOWA
DEAR TEEN: I doubt very much that a 50-year-old woman would be working at a fast-food place
unless she really needed the money. It's possible that if it weren't for that job, she would be on welfare.
If she's always on time and never goofs off, I'd say she's setting a fine example for the other employees.
Give her a break.
life

DEAR ABBY: I couldn't resist sharing this old story when I read about the plate-licking dog:
The preacher was invited to Sunday dinner by a church member. When he was called to the table, he
noticed that it was set with the dirtiest dishes he had ever seen.
He asked his hostess: "Are these dishes clean?" She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could
get them." He then reluctantly blessed the food and began eating. The food was delicious, so he praised
the hostess in spite of the dirty dishes.
When she cleared the table, she took the dishes to the back door and hollered, "Here Soap! Here
Water!" -- DOG LOVER IN ABILENE, TEXAS
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envelope.
life
PARENTS OF TATTOOED SON THINK HE WEARS A

BRAND OF SHAME

DEAR ABBY: You blew it when you advised the mother who signed herself "Unhappy Down South."
Her college-aged daughter had come home with a small tattoo of an eye on her ankle. You reminded
her that the ankle belonged to her daughter.
Abby, our son got his first tattoo when he was 17. His father and I thought it was just a fad. Well, today
that son is 52 years old, and he is covered from neck to knees with tattoos, which include a naked lady
on his stomach that reaches down each leg, and a large Mexican woman on his back wearing a
sombrero. Abby, if you don't think that's embarrassing, try carrying him to a doctor or hospital.
Please tell that poor lady to see to it that her daughter's tattoo is removed, even if she has to be strapped
down! And it might be well to use the strap in a few other places, too.
Decent, respectable people simply do not approve of tattoos. -- TATTOO TABOO IN BROWNWOOD,
TEXAS
DEAR T.T.: Begging your pardon, but an adult offspring -- male or female -- has the right to make his
or her own decisions concerning tattoos. Also, please do not presume to speak for all decent and
respectable people.
In addition, to suggest that a strap be used in "a few other places" makes you guilty of condoning
physical violence. The advice from here is, "Back off."
Read on for a letter from a reader in Brooklyn:

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Unhappy Down South" who is upset about her daughter's tattoo
on her ankle.
A year and a half ago, I underwent 36 days of radiation for breast cancer. The area to be radiated had to
be encircled by tattoos in order to leave a permanent "map" for the radiologist -- to prevent any future
radiation treatments from overlapping the original site.
How nice it would have been to be tattooed by choice rather than necessity. I surely would have
preferred an "eye" on my ankle to a series of black marks on my chest as a reminder of what I'd like to
forget.
So, to "Unhappy Down South": Please be grateful that your daughter is well and happy -- let her enjoy
her life.
Please get your priorities straight. I did. -- MRS. JULIE KERR, BROOKLYN, N.Y.
DEAR JULIE: Yours was a very sobering letter. I wish you a complete recovery.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a young girl who made the dumb mistake of having black eyeliner tattooed on my
upper and lower eyelids. I hate it now and have called around trying to find someone who can remove
tattoos, and can't find anyone who will attempt to remove tattoos from eyelids because it's too
dangerous.
Do you know anyone in Orange County, Calif., who could undo this eyeliner? If not, I hope this will
serve to warn other girls not to be as hasty as I was. Please answer in the paper because I can't receive
mail at home; my family may see it and say, "We told you not to do it." -- FOOLISH AND SORRY
DEAR FOOLISH AND SORRY: Unfortunately, I know of no way to remove tattooed eyeliner. My
best recommendation would be to conceal the offending eyeliner with a product used to cover
blemishes, freckles or an unsightly discoloration. Inquire at the cosmetic counter of your local
department store. I recommend Covermark and Dermablend.
life

WHITE-COLLAR WOMAN PONDERS
FUTURE WITH BLUE-COLLAR GUY
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old professional woman who is considered attractive. I am well-

educated and enjoy a very successful career. I am currently dating a man my age who has a job doing
manual labor. (He works in a warehouse.) He has only a high school education, which is all he ever
wanted. He loves sports, has a great sense of humor and is not terribly ambitious. We never fight or
argue, and he treats me like a queen.
This current man in my life is somewhat immature in that he is still very attached to his buddies and
enjoys the bar scene -- although he doesn't have a drinking problem. (Two beers is his limit.)
He loves children and would be a kind and loyal husband and father. My biological clock is running,
and I would like a family. I love him, but my question is: Can a relationship like this last? He wants to
marry me, but I am concerned that perhaps he is too simple, and I might grow bored.
Last year, I ended a relationship with a man who wanted to run my life, and now I fear that in this case,
I would be running this man's life. I have never been treated this well -- ever. If I do decide to end this
relationship, how could I ever explain why? -- ON THE FENCE IN WAUKEGAN, ILL.
DEAR ON THE FENCE: A relationship like yours can last only if you appreciate what a rare jewel
you have in a man who treats you like a queen, is loyal, caring and steady. Clip this letter, and should
you decide to end this relationship, read it to him. He may not be as well-educated as you, but I assure
you, he will understand and become history.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a 44-year-old divorcee who married a 34-year-old man last December.
The problem is, he wants us to have a baby together. Abby, I already have two teen-agers by a previous
marriage and I feel that I am getting too old to start a second family. However, I want to keep my
husband happy.
What is your opinion? Should we try to adopt? We are both professionals, so money isn't the problem. -
- CAN'T DECIDE
DEAR CAN'T DECIDE: This is one decision that you must make yourselves. Sit down together and
make a list of all the advantages of having the baby. Then list the possible disadvantages. Next, list all
the advantages and disadvantages of adopting a child.
You say you want to keep your husband happy, which is both generous and admirable. But it is equally
important that the decision will also keep you happy.
life

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine was engaged to be married and she was given several bridal showers.
Her wedding was scheduled to be a month later. All the preparations were made -- then suddenly the
wedding was canceled because the groom changed his mind.
Is the intended bride supposed to return all the shower gifts? Or are they hers to keep for her next
wedding? Please answer soon. -- SUSAN B. IN NEWARK, N.J.
DEAR SUSAN: The bride should return the shower gifts. And promptly.
life

life
MOM'S DEVOTION TO HER BOSS LOOKS LIKE FUNNY

BUSINESS

DEAR ABBY: My parents have been married for 16 years. I am 21. My first mother died. Mom and
Dad have always had a trusting relationship.
Mom has been working for a law firm for the past seven years. Lately she's been spending a lot of time
with her boss. It's gotten to the point where "Pete" -- her boss -- will pick her up and drive her to work
every morning, then he brings her home after she has worked late. They go out to lunch together nearly
every day.
For the past two weeks, Mom has worked late every night and she's gone in on Saturday to "help him
out." Pete is married, too. Yesterday he gave her a single long-stemmed rose.
I don't dare say anything to either of my parents, so I'm asking for your advice. My younger brothers
have both asked me if I thought something was going on between Mom and her boss. I've always said,
"No way," but now I think differently. I hate feeling this way. I love both my parents dearly, but I think
Mom is taking advantage of Dad's trust in her. What should I do? -- CONFUSED DAUGHTER
DEAR CONFUSED: You and Mom are overdue for an adult-level mother/daughter chat. Do not make
accusations; confide your feelings, and explain that your brothers are uncomfortable with the amount
of time she has been spending with her boss -- and they are asking questions for which you have no
answers.
It is possible that your mother's relationship with her boss is strictly business. And, since no attempt
was made to hide the rose, it is also possible that it was given as a token of gratitude -- nothing more.
So give your mother the opportunity to set the record straight.
life

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, my husband died of cancer. He was only 39 years old. We had a
wonderful marriage, but so many times the comment was made by individuals who had gone through a
divorce, "It has to be much easier losing your husband through death than losing a mate by divorce."
How cruel and wrong could anyone possibly be! This comment was made several times shortly after
my husband had died, and I still hear it today.
What do you make of it, Abby? You may use my name. -- MYRA WATKINS, GOODLAND, KAN.
DEAR MYRA: Those who would make such an insensitive comment probably intended to comfort
you. (Like those who would say to a woman who had recently experienced a miscarriage, "Don't be
sad -- you're better off; maybe something would have been wrong with the baby had you carried it to
term.")
However, losing a cherished mate through divorce is oftentimes similar to a death -- the death of a
dream that was too short-lived, or didn't work out.
life

life
Smokeout Clears the Way for Smokers Hoping to Quit

DEAR ABBY: In 1990, you gave the nation's smokers a wonderful gift the week before Thanksgiving:
a column encouraging them to participate in the American Cancer Society's Great American Smokeout.
Your support helped millions across the country make the decision to quit smoking, at least for the day.
Your column was a terrific morale-booster for our 2.5 million American Cancer Society volunteers in
the United States.
Would you please run that lovely Smokeout column again? And thank you for your continued help in
the fight against cancer. -- LINDA S. HAASE, ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS,
AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY, ILLINOIS DIVISION
DEAR MS. HAASE: With pleasure!
DEAR READERS: Tomorrow, Nov. 21, 1991, will mark the 15th Annual Great American Smokeout, a
one-day campaign to encourage smokers to quit smoking for 24 hours, just to prove they can do it.
Last year, 19 million smokers tried to quit for the day. This represents 38 percent of the nation's 50
million smokers. Breast cancer used to be the biggest killer for women. But the No. 1 cause of cancer
death among women and men today is lung cancer. Tobacco claims one life every 13 seconds. An
estimated 143,000 will die of lung cancer in 1991.
And now, a word about smoking-related diseases -- emphysema, chronic bronchitis and heart disease:
This year an estimated 434,000 will die from one of these. This total exceeds the number of U.S. battle
deaths in World War II -- nine times as many people who die in automobile accidents every year.
A congressional study has reported that health costs from the adverse effects of smoking have reached
a new high of $100 billion a year in increased medical bills and lost productivity. The loss in death and
disability cannot be measured.
What about "secondhand" smoke? Is it damaging to non-smokers to be in the presence of those of you
who are smoking? Yes! One non-smoker dies of secondhand smoke for every eight smokers. And
studies reveal that the children of smokers are more prone to lung problems and allergies than are
children of non-smokers.
For years I have begged my young readers, "If you smoke, quit now. If you don't smoke, don't start!"
Yet an estimated 3,000 to 5,000 kids light up for the first time every day. Why? Peer pressure, no
doubt. Cigarette companies sell $1 billion of cigarettes to children each year.
Quitting "cold turkey" is the hardest way to quit, but my readers tell me it's the most effective, and in
the long run, the easiest. Those who need help to break their habit: Call your local chapter of the
American Cancer Society or call (800) 227-2345 for information.
If you're hooked, and have been telling yourself, "One of these days I'm going to quit," why not start
tomorrow? It won't be easy -- but it will be the best Thanksgiving present you can give yourself -- and
those who love you. -- Love, Abby
life

Bird Lovers Sing Their Goodbye to
Pennsylvania's Ex-Governor
life

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column in the Delaware News-Journal, you condemned the traditional Labor
Day Pigeon Shoot in Hegins, Pa. I was pleased to learn that you were compassionate enough to have
written to then-Gov. Dick Thornburgh in 1986, protesting that barbaric tradition, and you asked him to
please put an end to it. You said he responded with a courteous letter defending the live pigeon-shoot
as a time-honored tradition.
Well, Abby, last week, on Election Day, Dick Thornburgh suffered an unexpected defeat in his race for
the U.S. Senate. In Philadelphia, the newspaper headlines read: "Wofford Stuns Thornburgh!"
In sustaining this totally unexpected defeat, Dick Thornburgh must have felt as stunned as those
doomed pigeons of Hegins for whom he refused to take merciful action. -- JANICE DILLON,
WILMINGTON, DEL.
DEAR JANICE: I have received a few letters asking if it was just a coincidence that the letter about
Dick Thornburgh and the Labor Day Pigeon Shoot in Hegins appeared in my column just a few days
before the Pennsylvania elections. I assure you, it was. I am not so egotistical to presume that my
column was in any way responsible for Thornburgh's defeat. Suffice it to say, it didn't help him any.
Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Re Dick Thornburgh's letter to you describing the Hegins Pigeon Shoot as "a time-
honored tradition": May I remind him of a few other "time-honored traditions"?
-- Public hangings
-- Segregation
-- Cockfights
-- Bullfights
-- The caste system
-- Apartheid
-- Binding the feet of female infants (in pre-revolutionary China) to impede their growth
-- Leaving elderly people out on the ice to die
Some of these "traditions" needed a war to stop them. Others ended because they became illegal. I
thank God we have people who see injustices for what they are, and have the courage to fight for
change. -- ROSALIE BEREZICK, TRUCKSVILLE, PA.
DEAR ROSALIE: Thanks for writing. I am reminded of the immortal words attributed to Edmund
Burke (1729-1797), the Irish-born British statesman: "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil
is for good men to do nothing."
life

DEAR ABBY: Greetings from Oregon. I'm writing concerning that POW bracelet which Karen A.
Tamura of Cerritos, Calif., found in her garage. (It was engraved "Lt. Cmdr. John McKamey.")
I, too, am a veteran, and I've always wished that I could have gone to Vietnam, but I was too young at
the time. My older brother went to Vietnam, and he came back a different man: psychologically
screwed.
I've read thousands of pages about that war and talked to numerous vets, and yes, they are very
reluctant to talk about it.
Abby, if you can't find the family of Lt. Cmdr. John McKamey, please send me that POW bracelet. I
will put it on my wrist and wear it to my deathbed, or until all POWs have been returned or accounted
for. -- GREGORY WANG, BEND, ORE.
DEAR GREGORY: I have some happy news for you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm replying to Karen Tamura from Cerritos, Calif.: John McKamey is alive and well
and residing in Pensacola, Fla. He's a wonderful man and I'm proud that I met him. -- DENNY
GLYNN
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life
First Lady of Columnists Is Not of Presidential Stock

DEAR ABBY: I am a man who used to think your column was just another women's gossip column, so
I never bothered to read it. Then my wife called my attention to something you wrote, and I'm glad she
did because I have been an avid reader ever since.
Abby, I have a question you probably have been asked before. Are you a descendant of President
Martin Van Buren? His wife's name was Abigail. -- BRANDON WELSH, PHOENIX
DEAR MR. WELSH: No, Abigail Van Buren is my pen name. However, Martin Van Buren's wife's
name was not Abigail -- it was Hannah. Hannah bore him four sons, then died, leaving Van Buren a
widower.
Martin Van Buren moved into the White House with four bachelor sons. One day, Dolley, the wife of
James Madison, our fourth president, came to the White House accompanied by her beautiful young
niece, Angelica Singleton, who was visiting from South Carolina.
President Van Buren's eldest son, Abraham, promptly fell in love with Angelica. They were married
shortly after and moved into the White House where Abraham served as his father's private secretary,
and Angelica assumed the duties of the first lady.
However, there were two presidents whose wives WERE named Abigail -- John Adams (our second
president) and Millard Fillmore (our 13th president).
I have probably told you much more about American presidents than you care to know, but I became
fascinated with the American presidents B.C. (Before Column), and have been hooked on the subject
ever since.
life

DEAR ABBY: What is this world coming to? My hairdresser, who is gay, told me that a powerful gay
group is trying to legalize same-sex marriages.
Abby, I have nothing against homosexuals, but I can't understand why they need a "license" to live
together. Please enlighten me. -- FREDA IN FRESNO
DEAR FREDA: In most states, married couples have the legal right to be on each other's health,
disability, life insurance and pension plans. They also get special tax exemptions, deductions and
refunds. A married person may inherit property and have rights of survivorship that avoid inheritance
tax.
If a couple is married, the spouse is legally "next of kin" in case of death or medical emergencies.
Marriage is more than a piece of paper; it provides a couple with LEGAL protection.
I have had letters urging me to remind people with AIDS to see a lawyer and have a proper will drawn
up in order to ensure that whatever they leave will go specifically to a person of their choice. In the
absence of a will -- the nearest next of kin (usually the parents) will inherit everything.
life

DEAR READERS: If you're looking for the perfect Bat (or Bar) Mitzvah gift, get "Deborah, Golda and
Me: Being Female and Jewish in America" by Letty Cottin Pogrebin (published by Morrow). And buy
one for yourself, but don't lend it to anyone -- you'll never get it back. It's a book of interest to both
sexes.
life

life
Travelers Say Radio News Doesn't Know Where It's At

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I travel the highways a lot and listen to the radio for weather reports.
This can be very frustrating. The station call letters are broadcast (for example: XXXX), but never do
they disclose the city they are from. They give weather alerts and name the affected counties, but never
the cities they are near or in! When you are driving down strange highways (never traveled before) and
hear the weather alerts (but no city or town named), it is impossible to read a map and try to find the
name of the county, which is in small print.
This has happened to us twice. We drove right into tornado warnings not realizing it. The sky grew
darker and darker and then the storm hit. Have you ever tried driving through St. Louis, road
construction, blinding rain and lightning? I did. And I was a nervous wreck by the time I got through
St. Louis. We couldn't even see the white lines on the highway. Our turnoff was blocked by road
construction and we had to sit on the berm until the storm passed.
There should be an FCC regulation that forces radio stations to include their location and, if a weather
alert arises, announce which main highways are included in the alert area. Please have pity on the poor
traveler going through your state. I'm sure others feel as we do. -- INDIANA TRAVELERS
DEAR TRAVELERS: Your transmission has been received loud and clear -- so now hear this: This is
Station ABBY in Los Angeles, imploring other broadcasters to mention their location along with their
call letters. The information could be a lifesaver.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a 47-year-old single man who is dating a 42-year-old divorced woman who has
three teen-aged daughters (15, 16 and 17). I intend to marry her and adopt her daughters.
She wants to marry a man who will be a good father to her daughters, and the daughters are very eager
to have their mother married to a man who would be a father to them. This will be my first marriage.
Can you recommend a book for me? I don't know much about raising teen-aged girls. --
BEWILDERED IN CANADA
DEAR BEWILDERED: Your local library should have a wide selection of books on "stepfamilies" and
"blended" families.
I respect a woman who wants to marry a man who would be a good father to her teen-aged daughters,
but since they will become adults and fly the nest within the next five years, you would be wise to
evaluate her as a woman with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life.
life

Woman Is Ready to Make First Move in Dating
Game
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old single (by choice) woman, and after 20 years of dating, I have come
to the conclusion that my mother was wrong when she said, "A lady never calls a gentleman -- she
waits for him to call her." Too many times I've had a man ask for my phone number, then I'd wait
impatiently for him to call me. Sometimes he'd call, yet there were times when he never followed
through. Then I'd agonize over what I might have done wrong.
When a woman meets a man she'd like to see again, and he takes her number, why shouldn't she feel
free to take his, too, so if he doesn't call her, she can call him?
I recently met a very attractive man and we seemed to hit it off very well, but instead of his taking my
number and saying the usual "I'll call you," he gave me his number and asked me to call him. Perfect! I
had the option either to call him or not -- it was all up to me. I liked that.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not on a power trip. I still like doors opened for me, but I prefer to do the
calling.
I'd like to hear the opinions of men on this. -- DON'T CALL ME, I'LL CALL YOU
DEAR DON'T: Many women are the aggressors, and they do not apologize for it -- nor should they.
Relationships should be based upon honesty -- and there is nothing wrong with saying, "I find you very
attractive, and I'd like to see you again." It doesn't matter who makes the first call. Women are people,
and people should not play games.
Gentlemen?
life

DEAR ABBY: When I read the story about the sister-in-law who allows her dog to eat off the same
plates as humans, I thought of my mother. Buying a special dish for the dog will not work. My mother
has several dogs and cats, and they have their own feeding dishes. After dinner, however, they are
allowed to finish the leftovers from her regular plates.
Once when we were visiting, she went one step further. She prepared a tuna casserole, and during our
meal, one of the cats jumped up onto the table. My mother took the serving spoon from the casserole,
tapped the cat on the nose, then turned to my husband and asked if he wanted seconds. He declined. --
KANSAS CITY
life

DEAR READERS: This morning, I received the following note from Jack Hill, a valued friend and
employee who has been in my mail room since Year One. I thought it was so cute, I would like to share
it. It read:
DEAR ABBY: To remind you that I will be on vacation for one week beginning Monday.
For your information, I am not going anywhere; it will be a "Honey Do" vacation: "Honey, do this --
Honey, do that." -- JACK
life

DEAR READERS: Your chuckle for today: When George Jessel took Lena Horne to a famous
restaurant, the doorman asked, "Who made your reservations?"
Jessel replied, "Abraham Lincoln."

life

included.
life
In Our Troubled Times, We Still Have Thanks to Give

DEAR READERS: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. So let us pause for a moment today and make a mental
note of all those blessings for which we can be thankful.
How is your health? You have a few minor complaints? Well, thank God they're not major. If you're
reading this -- you're still here. You can probably think of at least one person who isn't around this year.
(I know I can.)
If you awakened this morning and were able to hear the birds sing, use your vocal cords to utter human
sounds, read the newspaper with two good eyes (or even one) -- praise the Lord! A lot of people
couldn't. (Say a prayer for those who have perished -- from natural causes, fire, flood, earthquake or
war.)
How's your pocketbook? Thin? You're not alone. But many people in much of the world are a lot
poorer and have far less hope than we have in America.
Are you lonely? Well, the way to have a friend is to reach out to someone and try to be a friend. If
nobody calls you, call someone. Go out of your way today to do something nice for another person. It's
a sure cure for the blues.
Are you concerned about your country's future? Hooray! Our system has been saved by such concern -
- concern for fair treatment under the law. Our country may not be a rose garden, but it is far from a
patch of weeds.
Freedom rings! Look and listen. You can worship in the church of your choice (or not worship at all if
that's your choice), cast a secret ballot and even criticize our government without fear of retribution.
And for the first time, we are living in a unipolar world free from the threat of impending nuclear
disaster.
As a final thought I'll repeat my Thanksgiving prayer. Perhaps you will want to use it at your table
tomorrow -- let one of the children read it:
"O, heavenly father, we thank thee for food and remember the hungry.
"We thank thee for health and remember the sick.
"We thank thee for friends and remember the friendless.
"We thank thee for freedom and remember the enslaved.
"May these remembrances stir us to service,
"That thy gifts to us may be used for others. Amen."
May the spirit of Thanksgiving be shared by one and all! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and may
God bless you and yours. -- Love, Abby
P.S. Why not invite a friend who lives alone to share a Thanksgiving meal -- or better yet, call and say,
"I'm coming to get you, and I'll see that you get home." Try it, and let me know how your day was.
life

life
Husband's Demand to Tape Sex Is Part of Troublesome Change

DEAR ABBY: Over the years, you have provided your readers with numerous comments and some
helpful, serious advice. But, Abby, your age and the changing technology have caught up with you --
and passed you by. The advice you gave "Living a Nightmare," whose husband wanted to videotape
their sex act, was so off base. I had to let you know that you are out of touch with today's men and
technology.
Today's women claim that the men in the U.S. Senate are not in touch with women's needs (Professor
Anita Hill's charge of sexual harassment against Judge Clarence Thomas), and you are not in touch
with today's men's needs. Abby, men have been capturing the sex act through photography since the
invention of the camera. So, for your information, a man does not have to have a tumor on the brain to
possess an age-old desire.
Abby, had you been up on the video technology available today and attuned to male desires, you would
have given your correspondent at least one of the following options: 1. View themselves on the
monitor without a tape in the camera. 2. Tape the act and she keeps the tape. 3. Make him agree that the
two of them will be the only viewers of the tape. 4. Use the tape as a bribe to get all those things she's
always wanted and couldn't get before.
Abby, you need either to retire or get a male adviser for males' problems. -- ALPHONSE BUSH, LOS
ANGELES
DEAR ALPHONSE BUSH: I heard from other video-wise male readers who also disagreed with my
answer, but there will be no mea culpas from this corner, because "Living a Nightmare" said that her
husband's behavior had changed so noticeably that even his co-workers had mentioned it.
Furthermore, the issue was not the husband's wanting to videotape their sex act -- it was his heavy-
handed tactics. When she advised her husband that having their sex act captured on a videotape made
her uncomfortable, he told her that he would not have sex with her again unless it was on film! And
when she suggested they consult a marriage counselor, he flatly refused. After her husband had been
"badgering her every night for two months," she finally wrote to me.
I have always felt that what happens in the bedroom of two consenting adults is their own business,
providing they are both agreeable and neither is harmed. The wife felt that his request was degrading,
but he continued to badger her; therefore, I concluded that his behavior was sick. Whether it was a
symptom of a potentially life-threatening illness would have to be determined by a medical doctor.
I rest my case and stand by my answer, even though it's entirely possible that the husband was more
brutish than brain-damaged.
P.S. I already have a male adviser. I sleep with him.

life

WOULD EXPLORING THE PAST BE AN
IMPOSITION ON THE PRESENT?
life

Dear Abby | December 1st, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR ABBY: I would dearly love to see the inside of the homes where my grandmother and parents
lived when I was a child. They were farmhouses with no indoor plumbing and, at one time, no
electricity. I understand that my grandmother's house has been completely modernized, and I can see
from the outside that an addition has been built onto it.
My question: Would it be out of line for me to go to the door, identify myself, and ask to be taken on a
tour of the house? I can't call ahead to make an appointment because I don't know who lives there.
Also, I'm always on vacation when I'm in the area, and I can't make an appointment for the next week
or month.
This is rural country; people are not as fearful of strangers as they might be in the city, and I can tell
them enough about their house to convince them that I once lived there.
I have asked a few friends what they would do if a stranger came to their door and asked permission to
see their house. Some said they would permit entry. Others said, "No way!"
Abby, please ask your readers what they would say. And why. -- CALVIN IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR CALVIN: Provocative question. Readers?

life
Dear Abby for December 01, 1991

DEAR ABBY: This is the first time that I have written to you. Maybe you won't think this idea is
important, but here goes anyway:
I have to exercise daily. I walk for health reasons. While I was out walking one day, I suddenly realized
that I was not carrying any means of identification on me. I also noticed that other people I passed (or
that passed me) didn't seem to, either, due to the outfits they were wearing.
I thought that if I passed out or was accidentally hit by a car or a falling object, who would know who I
was, or if I needed any special medication due to my condition?
I now make sure that I carry a means of identification on me everytime I leave home. And I hope that
you think this is worth printing for people who job or walk. -- ROBERT BRINKMAN,
BELCHERTOWN, MASS.
DEAR ROBERT: It is. And I did. Thank you.

life

DEAR ABBY: In response to "True Story, Palm Beach, Fla." -- the case where a tuxedoed pair of con
men made off with the wedding gifts brought to a country club reception -- may I add:
Bringing wedding gifts to a reception is boorish and bad manners. Wedding invitations are always sent
a month before the wedding, giving the guests plenty of time to select and send wedding gifts to the
bride's home. This not only allows the bride a head start on her thank-you notes (always a headache
after the honeymoon), but it frees family members or friends from the irksome job of standing by the
gift table at a time when everyone else is having fun. And then there is the massive job of hauling gifts
back to the family home.
Let's return to the thoughtful good manners of yesteryear; send the gifts ahead of time. Maybe the
following line added to the wedding invitation would help: "Please do not bring gifts to the reception."
-- OFF MY CHEST
DEAR OFF: I agree that hand-carrying wedding gifts to the reception places an additional burden on
the bride. However, a "line" on the wedding invitation asking that no gifts be brought to the reception
would be out of line.
life

life
Girlfriend Hopes Man Will Crop Ex-Wife Out of Picture

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for a year and three months. We're
serious about each other and I plan to move in with him eventually. He's seven years older than me,
divorced, and has a daughter I'll call Suzy. He doesn't get to see her much, which really hurts him. He
has pictures of Suzy all over his apartment, which is OK because it's important for him to remember
her.
What bothers me is the picture he carries in his wallet: It's one of Suzy and his ex-wife together. I could
understand it if it was the only recent picture he had of Suzy, but he has others of just Suzy that were
taken at the same time.
Quite recently, he found some pictures of other guys stashed away in a drawer at my place. I knew it
bothered him, so I tore them all up in front of him, hoping it would make him realize that he is the only
one for me. Now I feel it's his turn. He has other pictures of his ex-wife, but the one in his wallet
bothers me the most. Should I ask him to get rid of that picture, or just pretend it doesn't bother me? --
BUGGED
DEAR BUGGED: Don't ask him to get rid of that picture, and don't pretend it doesn't bother you. Say
nothing for the time being, and if you and he are ever man and wife, that would be the proper time for
you to ask him to please remove the picture of "that other woman" from his wallet. Like it or not, she
will always be the mother of his daughter, so you can't demand that he erase her from his memory.
life

DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, you printed a short item about the usage of a "guest towel" in the
bathroom, and how it wasn't used but should be.
I make these towels and give them for gifts, but I lost the copy I first found in The Wichita Eagle -- and
which I love to include with the gifts.
Could you please publish the little poem again? -- MILDRED LUTZ, WICHITA, KAN.
DEAR MILDRED: With pleasure. The author of the poem is Mabel Craddock of Ventura, Calif., who
grew weary of having her guests dry their hands on toilet paper, bath mats and even her curtains --
leaving her pretty little guest towels untouched. Here it is:
A GUEST TOWEL SPEAKS
Please use me, Guest;
Don't hesitate.
Don't turn your back
Or vacillate.
Don't dry your hands
On petticoat,
On handkerchief,
Or redingote.
I'm here to use;
I'm made for drying.
Just hanging here
Gets very tiring.

life

life
Cary Grant's 'Meditation' Is as Full of Grace as He Was

DEAR READERS: Five years ago today, Cary Grant died -- just seven weeks before his 83rd birthday.
Not a bad score. He couldn't have written a better ending himself.
Gary Grant was a superstar in every sense of the word. He wore his stardom with grace and dignity,
and for all his fame and adulation, he remained incredibly unspoiled.
In his later years, he made occasional appearances in theaters around the country, billed simply as "A
Conversation with Cary Grant." He didn't need much advertising; one small ad would appear in the
local newspaper, and the house was immediately sold out.
Everywhere he appeared, he received a standing ovation simply for walking out on the stage. He had
no routine; he just sat perched on a long-legged stool in the center of the stage with a spotlight beamed
on his famous face, and for two hours he answered random questions from the audience. They loved it.
And so did he.
He closed his "conversation" with a piece he called "A Meditation," saying he didn't know who wrote
it, but it expressed his own sentiments about growing older. It also expresses mine. And here it is:
"Now Lord, you've known me a long time. You know me better than I know myself. You know that
each day I am growing older and someday may even be very old, so meanwhile please keep me from
the habit of thinking I must say something on every subject and on every occasion.
"Release me from trying to straighten out everyone's affairs. Make me thoughtful, but not moody,
helpful but not overbearing. I've a certain amount of knowledge to share; still it would be very nice to
have a few friends who, at the end, recognized and forgave the knowledge I lacked.
"Keep my tongue free from the recital of endless details. Seal my lips on my aches and pains: They
increase daily and the need to speak of them becomes almost a compulsion. I ask for grace enough to
listen to the retelling of others' afflictions, and to be helped to endure them with patience.
"I would like to have improved memory, but I'll settle for growing humility and an ability to capitulate
when my memory clashes with the memory of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that on some
occasions, I may be mistaken.
"Keep me reasonably kind; I've never aspired to be a saint ... saints must be rather difficult to live with
... yet on the other hand, an embittered old person is a constant burden.
"Please give me the ability to see good in unlikely places and talents in unexpected people. And give
me the grace to tell them so, dear Lord."
P.S. DEAR READERS: Many books have been written about Cary Grant, but if you want to read the
only authentic history of his life and loves, get the book "Evenings With Cary Grant" by Nancy
Nelson, published by Morrow. It's an absolute treasure.
life

included.)
LINES DRAWN AT KENT STATE STILL
DIVIDE PEOPLE TODAY
life

Dear Abby | December 4th, 1991 | Letter 1 of 3
DEAR ABBY: You recently published several letters on the Kent State killings that reflected your
readers' prejudices, not the facts as determined by the official investigative bodies, particularly the
President's Commission on Campus Unrest. Some of the myths your readers cling to cannot be
adequately addressed in a short column, but I would, at least, like to set the record straight on a few
points:
1. The anti-Vietnam War rally that the National Guard broke up at Kent State was peaceful until the
Guard made what the President's Commission called a "highly questionable" decision to disperse the
crowd. The President's Commission concluded: "There was no apparent impending violence. Only
when the Guard attempted to disperse the rally did some students react violently."
2. Though the Guardsmen were subsequently subjected to some abuse, including some rock throwing,
the notion that the Guardsmen had to fire because their lives were endangered by an uncontrollable
mob was also disputed by every official investigation. The Justice Department concluded the shootings
were "neither necessary nor proper." Similarly, the President's Commission concluded the killings were
"unnecessary, unwarranted and inexcusable."
3. The students who were killed were not the same students who were responsible for the burning of
the university's Army ROTC building or any other act of violence which occurred in the city of Kent
the weekend before May 4, 1970.
4. On May 4, two of the four students who were killed had participated in the demonstration and may
have at some point thrown rocks at the soldiers. The other two (an ROTC student and a coed carrying
books to class) were strictly bystanders. The Justice Department concluded that because all four
fatalities were located more than 300 feet from the firing soldiers, none were "in a position to pose
even a remote danger to the National Guard at the time of the firing." -- WILLIAM A. GORDON,
AUTHOR, "THE FOURTH OF MAY: KILLINGS AND COVER-UPS AT KENT STATE"
(PROMETHEUS BOOKS, 1990)
DEAR MR. GORDON: Thank you for setting the record straight. I bought -- and read -- your book, a
fascinating as well as factual account of what really took place at Kent State.
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DEAR ABBY: Could you please give me some advice on how to make restitution of a large sum of
money and still remain anonymous?
I can't send a personal check or walk into my local 7-Eleven store with $4,000 and ask for a money
order. And I certainly don't want to send cash anonymously through the mail.
Many years ago, I was reimbursed for a medical insurance claim that I had no right to. My conscience
has bothered me for a long time, and I can't seem to come up with a workable solution. I am also
uncertain about whom to send the money to. I thought perhaps if I addressed my letter to the president
of the insurance company, it would eventually get into the right hands, but I don't want to tempt some
other employee by sending some form of payment as good as cash. Any ideas? -- GUILTY
CONSCIENCE
DEAR GUILTY: I agree that sending cash through the mail would be unwise, but since you do not
wish to be identified, advise your attorney to send the insurance company $4,000 with a cover letter to
the president -- explaining that it is from "a repentant client who wishes to remain anonymous."
life

life
Magic Johnson Sets Standard for National Response to Aids

Dear Abby | December 3rd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 4
DEAR READERS: Since the day Magic Johnson stepped to the microphone and calmly announced
that he tested positive for the AIDS virus, we have been hearing a great deal about AIDS.
It is no longer "a gay disease," and as Johnson said, "If it could happen to me -- it can happen to
anybody."
Please read what Anna Quindlen, the brilliant New York Times columnist, had to say about the subject:
"In the 10 years since five gay men with pneumonia became a million people who are HIV-positive,
this illness has brought out the worst in America.
"Last year we witnessed the canonization of one AIDS patient, a 23-year-old woman named Kimberly
Bergalis, who says she 'didn't do anything wrong.' She is a lovely white woman with no sexual history
who contracted AIDS from her dentist. She is what some people like to call 'an innocent victim.'
"With that single adjective we condemn those who get AIDS from sex and those who get it from dirty
needles as guilty, and ultimately unworthy of our help and sympathy. We imply that gay men get what
they deserve, and people who shoot up may as well be dead. It's a little like being sympathetic to the
health-conscious jogger who dies of a heart attack during a stint on the Stairmaster, but telling the
widow of the couch potato, 'Well, if he hadn't eaten all those hot dogs, this wouldn't have happened.'
"How are all those parents who denigrate 'queers' and 'junkies' going to explain what happened to
Magic Johnson? How are all those pious people who like to talk about 'innocent victims' going to deal
with the lovable basketball star, the all-time sports hero, who stressed safe sex when he told the world
he was HIV-positive? Will this finally make them say to their kids, 'It could happen to you,' and make
them stop relying solely on chastity and start dealing with reality?
"Magic Johnson, with that engaging personality, that athletic legerdemain, that grin -- this is what
AIDS looks like. Why can't we learn to deal with our national tragedy with as much dignity and
determination as this good man brings to his personal one?"
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DEAR ABBY: I am hoping you can help with a research project we are doing at school. Almost all
watch advertisements have their watches set at 10:10. (Digital as well as standard watches.)
I was told years ago that this was to commemorate the bombing of Hiroshima, as it was at this exact
time. Well, that theory is false. Hiroshima was bombed at 8:15 a.m.
Can you or anyone else answer this question for us? Thank you! -- G. TAYLOR AND THE FOURTH-
GRADE CLASS, TRAFTON ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, ARLINGTON, WASH.
DEAR G. TAYLOR AND THE FOURTH-GRADE CLASS: According to the Association of Watch
and Clock Collectors (Columbia, Pa.), the clock industry has been using that setting since the 1850s to
illustrate sales catalogs. Their spokesperson said it is not true that the clocks are set to commemorate
the bombing of Hiroshima -- or the time that President Lincoln was supposed to have been shot, either.
Watches and clocks are set at 10:10, and sometimes 1:50, because it looks good and presents a
balanced face that is easy to read.
life

WORTH CLIPPING (from Forbes magazine): "How do you know when you're old? When you double
your current age and realize you're not going to live that long." -- Michael L. Leyden II
life

life
THOUGHTFUL HOLIDAY GIFTS SPREAD CHEER ALL
YEAR

Dear Abby | December 2nd, 1991 | Letter 1 of 2
DEAR READERS: Well, it seems as though we just finished polishing off the Thanksgiving leftovers,
and it's time to start shopping for holiday gifts again.
You may consider spending less on gifts this year and doing a little more for the poor and homeless.
However, old habits are hard to break, so if you insist on sending gifts, let me tell you what not to give
Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Howard, who don't get around much anymore.
Forget the cologne, dusting powder and after-shave. They probably have several unopened boxes on
their closet shelves -- that is, if they haven't already recycled them.
Grandpa doesn't need another necktie, and Grandma doesn't want any more earrings. With the price of
groceries going through the roof, older people who live alone on fixed incomes would appreciate a
basket of practical goodies. How about small tins of tuna, chicken and ham? Also, crackers, instant
coffee, tea, soup mixes and cookies.
People who live in confined quarters do not need more "things," so don't send candy dishes or
figurines. And don't send articles of clothing unless you're sure the size is right. Leisure (or "warm-up")
suits are comfy and easy to launder. Older folks love them.
Some truly useful gifts: an assortment of postcards, some lined stationery with envelopes and a
generous supply of postage stamps. And enclose some felt-tip pens.
Another suggestion: a variety of greeting cards for all occasions. They might want to send someone a
nice birthday, anniversary, graduation or thank-you card. Don't forget get-well cards, condolence cards
and "congratulations on the new baby" cards.
Should you be tempted to recycle a lovely but useless gift still in its original box, make sure the card to
you is not still in the box.
Never give a pet to anyone unless you are absolutely certain that person wants a pet and is able to care
for it properly. And if you want to make a hit with someone who has a pet, send a little holiday gift for
it (a tin of dog or cat food and bird seed for "Tweetie Pie") along with a gift for its master.
Don't give wine or liquor to people unless you are sure they imbibe. A thoughtful idea: a gift
subscription for a magazine or newspaper you know they will enjoy. Candy, nuts and fruitcake make
beautiful gifts for people who aren't counting their calories, but have a little compassion for those who
are, and lead them not into temptation. Also bear in mind that some older folks have difficulty chewing
nuts and caramels.
Another good idea for those living alone on a fixed income: a gift certificate for some kind of service
such as window washing, carpet cleaning, taxi rides, barber shop, beauty parlor or dinner or lunch at
their favorite place. And (don't laugh) a gift certificate entitling them to a trip to the podiatrist. Because
medication is no small item these days, a gift certificate from the neighborhood pharmacy would be
very much appreciated. Trust me.
Holiday time can be depressing for people who are alone, so if you know someone who might be alone
and lonely, give him (or her) the best gift of all -- an invitation to have a holiday meal with you and
your family. Loneliness is the ultimate poverty. -- Love, ABBY
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included.)
Luggage Left Behind Is Lost for Good if I.D. Is
Lacking
life

DEAR ABBY: I work in the Central Baggage Service office for a national airline. I am astonished at
the amount of baggage and "lost" articles salvaged every year by the airlines. Every week we receive
cameras, eyeglasses, binoculars, expensive pens and pencils, car keys, Bibles, wedding albums, books
and every other imaginable article.
It really tears me up to throw away wedding, baby and family reunion pictures after holding them for
four weeks -- which is our limit. If we can track down the owners, we return whatever they have left
behind, but unfortunately, most of the articles have no identification on them.
In addition, we receive hundreds of pieces of "lost" luggage every year. About half of these we cannot
return because the airline baggage tag has come off and there is no other way to track down the owner.
If passengers would put several pieces of identification on the bag -- as well as on the inside of the bag
-- we could return it to the owner in a matter of a few hours.
Abby, the airline industry has improved greatly in retrieving lost baggage in the last few years.
However, nothing would be lost if all the passengers would label their baggage inside and out -- and
this includes carry-on luggage and hanging bags, which some travelers have walked off the plane and
left behind! -- CHICAGO
DEAR CHICAGO: Thanks for an important letter. I hope this wakes up a few sleepy travelers.
life

DEAR ABBY: We have lived in this neighborhood for 35 years and we know almost all of our
neighbors very well. As a retired man, I pass these homes two or three times a week on my walks. At
Christmastime, I drop off our Christmas cards at the homes of our neighbors rather than go through the
postal system.
My wife doesn't like that idea. One of our neighbors told another neighbor she thought we were cheap
delivering our Christmas cards that way. What we save in postage we give to the Salvation Army. I see
nothing wrong with our means of distribution. The wife says, "Write to Abby and ask her."
So, I'm asking. -- CHEAP, OR NOT?
DEAR CHEAP: Do you ring the doorbells and hand the Christmas cards to the recipients? Or do you
leave the cards in their mailboxes? If you use the mailboxes, unless you affix appropriate postage to
each card, you are in violation of the law.
life

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have several adopted children. One has many birth defects due to
parental drug use. His appearance is startling, but he is the sweetest and most loving of children.
The kindest remarks are always those which praise and encourage. Parents are all too aware of their
children's problems. They don't need anyone's pity, and you can be sure they've reviewed every
treatment option with their physician.
Offer your congratulations on the birth, or comment positively about the child's lovely eyes or bright
smile or even adorable clothes. If there are other children, don't ignore them, or the "disabled" child.
And please keep your advice to yourself unless asked, especially if you are not close to the parents.
Thanks, Abby, for doing so much to educate the public on handicaps and on adoption. -- PEG G. IN
MILFORD, N.J.
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life
Society Has Double Standard Dealing With Minors and Sex

DEAR ABBY: The following story is fictitious: A man in his late 20s goes to bed with a 14-year-old
girl. He gets caught, is arrested, and goes to prison for a few years where he is subject to all kinds of
dangers in prison because of his crime.
The following story is real: A married woman in her late 20s goes to bed with a 14-year-old boy. They
are having an affair. The boy and this woman do their frolicking when her husband is at work during
his graveyard shift. This boy is some kind of "hero" to his friends, and even to some adults! Why?
This is a double standard in its ugliest fashion. If an underage girl has sex with an adult male, then it is
a case of, "Poor girl, he must have taken advantage of her."
When an underage boy has sex with an adult woman, it turns into, "What a stud, atta boy -- learn
early!"
Furthermore, I have never heard of a case where a woman went to prison for having sex with underage
boys. Isn't it a crime? I am not saying that one is right and the other is not. They're both wrong. Why,
however, do women get away with this awful crime? -- FRESNO FRANK
DEAR FRESNO FRANK: Women "get away" with it if the parents of the underage boy are unwilling
to charge the woman with having sex with a minor. But regardless of who takes advantage of a minor
of either sex -- that person is guilty of statutory rape.
life

DEAR ABBY: The problem I'm about to tell you is one you probably never heard before.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have two great sons. My husband and I have had
problems we've tried to resolve with counseling, but the counseling didn't work, so I decided I wanted
to leave him while I was young enough to make a happier life for myself.
I called my father-in-law and asked to see him privately so he wouldn't be too shocked when I left his
son. Well, he picked me up and we went for a drive out in the country.
When I gave him my news -- he gave me some. He said he and his wife never had a really good
marriage, but he stayed with her because of their children, who are all grown now. Then he told me he's
always had special feelings for me -- but he would never follow through on them because I belonged to
his son.
To make a long story short, we confessed our love for each other and want to spend the rest of our lives
together, but we don't know how my sons will feel about having their grandfather for a stepfather. It's a
mess, but you only live once. What should we do? -- TRUE STORY
DEAR TRUE STORY: You both need to see a marriage counselor -- but not the one you and your
husband saw. Please, think this out carefully and make no announcements before you are certain that
your decisions are sound, solid and will stand the test of time.
life

DEAR ABBY: After reading your wonderful booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With
It," what advice do you have for people who are on the receiving end? How does one respond to people
who have "lost it" and are venting their anger on you? -- BEEN THERE
DEAR BEEN THERE: If they become physical, get out of their way and put as much distance as you
can between them and you. But if they're venting their anger verbally, you'd be wise to simply listen.
Anger expressed is anger defused.
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life
Man Feels Born Anew When He Strips to His Birthday Suit

DEAR ABBY: In reference to "Missing Out in L.A.," the 39-year-old man who had only sex partners
who were extremely flat-chested and was wondering if visiting a nudist camp to "get an eyeful" of
large-breasted women would satisfy his curiosity: Your response to this gentleman was right on target:
"Nudist resorts are not peep shows!"
The men, women and children who enjoy the "naturalist" lifestyle are not exhibitionists. Anyone who
goes to a nudist resort to "get an eyeful" will get an eyeful of the exit in a hurry. All nudist resorts have
rules that prohibit gawking, staring or any other unacceptable behavior. This includes any sexual
activity.
Nudists are people who feel that being unclothed is natural and not dirty or shameful. Small children
are born nudists. Anyone who has been around small children has seen them pull off their clothes just
to be rid of the uncomfortable nuisance.
I am 38 and discovered the nudist lifestyle last summer. Never in my life have I felt anything that feels
so good and natural. My girlfriend, who was apprehensive at first, finally went with me. Now, together
we enjoy our place in the sun. I wish I had found this lifestyle sooner. Please don't misunderstand. This
lifestyle is not for everyone. I myself cannot eat sushi. "Live and let live" and "To each his own."
Another solution for "Missing Out in L.A." would be either to go to a topless bar or hire a strip-o-gram.
This will allow him to see what he wants to see without offending anyone.
Thank you for steering that gentleman toward another solution, and allowing me to dispel some
misconceptions about the nudist lifestyle.
Abby, you may use this letter and edit it as you see fit. I'm enclosing my name, address and phone
number if you wish to contact me for any reason, but please do not publish it. Sign this ... "NATURAL
IN COLORADO"
life

DEAR ABBY: A while back, you had a letter in your column about a girl who got an engagement ring
that looked like a big diamond, but it was an imitation (cubic zirconia) which she was proudly showing
around to all her friends and relatives, thinking it was real.
I guess she fooled some of the people some of the time, but it could have caused her a lot of
embarrassment.
I have a different problem concerning my diamond engagement ring. My boyfriend told me that his
father got it at a very good price because it was "hot" -- stolen.
I love my fiance very much, but I do not feel comfortable wearing this ring, knowing its history. I do
not want to appear ungrateful, and I don't want to insult my boyfriend -- or his father -- but every time
someone compliments me on my ring, I want to crawl into a hole and hide.
What should I do? -- ASHAMED IN BUFFALO
DEAR ASHAMED: Be honest with your fiance. Tell him you can't enjoy wearing that ring, knowing
its history. Better to have a modest diamond -- or none at all -- than a "hot" rock.
life

2/2/24, 2:14 PM Mom Without Passport Can't Get to Her Dying Son in Time
Mom Without Passport Can't Get to Her Dying

Son in Time
life

DEAR ABBY: My only son recently died due to complications from a heatstroke he suffered while
serving in the U.S. Marine Corps in Okinawa. Upon notifying us that he was in serious condition, the
military requested that my daughter-in-law, Billie, and I travel to his bedside in Okinawa.
Billie was able to leave immediately, traveling with military orders and her dependent military ID in
lieu of a passport. I, however, having no connection with the military, had to get a passport in a hurry.
The State Department was marvelous. A passport can take up to six weeks to receive, and there are
only three cities where one can be obtained in one day -- New Orleans, Los Angeles and Houston.
I flew to Houston on Father's Day Sunday, received my passport, and left for Okinawa the next
morning. Upon arrival after this long journey, I found my son had died just six hours earlier.
Abby, my point is this: If I had already possessed a passport, I could have accompanied my 18-year-old
daughter-in-law and been there in time at least to have said goodbye to my son. I would like to
encourage all parents who have children in the military to get a passport now. I hope they'll never have
to use it except for pleasure -- but if a loved one is injured overseas, they won't have to waste precious
time, as I did. -- LINDA NICKELL, OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR LINDA: My sincere sympathy to you, Billie and your family. The point you make is an
excellent one, and well worth sharing with parents of all military personnel.
Actually, I checked with the U.S. Passport Agency in Washington and was told there are 13 passport
offices nationwide capable of issuing a passport for "life and death" emergencies on weekends and
holidays. A duty officer is available to make that judgment during non-working hours in Boston,
Chicago, Honolulu, Houston, Los Angeles, Miami, New Orleans, New York, Philadelphia, San
Francisco, Seattle, Stamford, Conn., and Washington, D.C.
Thank you for wanting to spare others the anxiety you experienced.
life

DEAR ABBY: I've never written to you, but a recent letter in your column has motivated me to share
my experience with tattoos. Some parents were concerned that their bright, responsible daughter had
"betrayed" her decent parents' beliefs and values by getting a tattoo.
I, too, was a popular, bright high school student. I was class valedictorian, president of the National
Honor Society and a National Merit Scholar. I had my choice of colleges and scholarships, and initially
chose a small, church-affiliated college. I later transferred to a large state university where I graduated
with a 4.0 grade-point average and was elected to Phi Beta Kappa.
After leaving graduate school, I worked as a volunteer teacher for Vista (the domestic branch of the
Peace Corps), then I became a federal law enforcement agent and have been in that career for the last
16 years. I am married and have three wonderful children and am active in my church.
And guess what? When I was 24, I got a tattoo! A rather small one in a relatively private place. I think
tattoos are fascinating and would have another one were I not concerned about contracting hepatitis or
some other disease from a dirty needle.
I have had that tattoo for 15 years and do not regret it or suffer any embarrassment because of it. I got
it for myself, not for public display -- although those who see it may get a clue to the "inner me" not
normally revealed to the casual acquaintance. Thanks for being an open forum, Abby. -- TERRY
FREEDY IN GEORGIA
life

life
Signs of Snake's Intelligence Have Little to Do With Smarts

DEAR ABBY: "Karen," whose letter said snakes make loving pets, must have a very unusual snake.
She said she has a 6 1/2-foot boa constrictor that she used to take everywhere. It is very intelligent, she
claims -- it kisses her on command, and once it even chased away a prowler it heard coming through
the sliding glass door.
Abby, snakes are not very intelligent -- they have very small brains and cannot hear. They have no ears,
but they feel "vibrations." Also, her snake is not "kissing" her -- it is smelling her. A snake's sense of
smell is its best weapon when in danger.
I also have a pet snake. His name is Leonard. He's a bull snake and I have had him since I was 11 years
old. (I am now 38.) Leonard does not know his name, although I speak to him often. From what I have
learned about snakes, Leonard has lived a very long time for a bull snake, and he is probably nearing
the end of his life.
Although it may seem silly to be sentimental over a reptile, after having him around for 27 years, I will
cry when he dies. -- MICHELE DUNNING, ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR MICHELE: For more about snakes, read on:
DEAR ABBY: I fear your correspondent Karen has a very fertile imagination concerning the
"intelligence" of snakes.
When I was a kid back in the old country -- Hungary -- I also had a pet snake, which I carried around
inside my shirt to pull out when I met a girl I knew would scream when she saw it. (Most girls react
with horror at the sight of a snake.)
Abby, I know something about snakes, and I can tell you that you can't teach a snake anything -- much
less have it respond to a request for a kiss. Snakes are far from intelligent. They have only "reptilian
brains," barely adequate to respond to anything beyond their instinct to survive.
As for a snake going after a burglar who was attempting to enter through a sliding door -- snakes
cannot hear. They feel only vibrations, and they pick up smells with their tongues.
Furthermore, the only snake that appears to enjoy (or even tolerate) handling is the indigo snake --
found in the southern part of the United States -- and the poor critters are hunted to near extinction for
this very reason. -- ERWIN FUCHS, SEATTLE
DEAR ABBY: Your answer to Karen, who wrote about her love of snakes, was not completely
accurate.
You said snakes make good pets because they're quiet, you don't have to walk them and you don't have
to worry about anybody stealing them.
Wrong! About three years ago, my father's 6-foot-long boa constrictor was stolen -- cage and all. But
the thieves did not take the TV, stereo or the microwave. It just goes to show you that some people put
a lot more value on snakes than you think. -- CORALIE GILL, BELTON, MO.
life

life
To Be or Not to Be Gay Is Not a Matter of Prayer

DEAR ABBY: My nephew -- I'll call him Neil -- is gay. He came out of the closet to his family a few
weeks ago on his 20th birthday. You would never suspect that Neil was gay by looking at him or
talking to him, but when his brothers were outside playing baseball, Neil would be in the house
drawing pictures of flowers.
Neil's father says that Neil is gay because all the time his mother was pregnant with him she kept
praying for a little girl. (She already had four boys and no girls.) Abby, can praying for a little girl have
anything to do with having a gay boy? -- NEIL'S AUNT
DEAR AUNT: According to Dr. Judd Marmor, eminent psychoanalyst and past president of the
American Psychiatric Association, there is no scientific evidence that supports the theory that a boy
could become homosexual because his mother, while pregnant, prayed for a little girl.
It is more likely, however, that Neil was born with a predisposition toward becoming gay, and his
mother's strong wish for a girl contributed to his preference for doing "little girl" activities rather than
"little boy" activities during his childhood years.
Thus, Neil's ultimately becoming gay was a combination of nature and nurture.
life

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from the woman whose mother had a painful lump in
her breast.
I, too, had a painful lump in my breast for 2 1/2 years. The lump did not show up on my yearly
mammograms, and the doctor said, "Don't worry about it -- it's just a 'mass' -- if it were cancer, it
wouldn't hurt." Well, it became painful to the point where I couldn't even lie on my left side. My doctor
then did a needle biopsy, which was not accurate because the needle happened to hit a spot where there
were no cancer cells present.
Finally, I was in so much pain, I insisted that the lump be removed. It WAS cancer! I was very
fortunate, as it was a slow-growing cancer, and I was able to have a lumpectomy followed by six
weeks of radiation treatments, which saved my life.
Don't listen to doctors. Cancer DOES hurt. -- DAR BARBAR, COSTA MESA, CALIF.
DEAR DAR: Thank you for sharing your experience. However, I wouldn't advise women not to listen
to doctors; I would say, "Get a second opinion, and a third opinion -- and if you are still in doubt, get a
fourth opinion."
Some "masses" (or lumps) are painful -- some are not. The most competent doctors follow this rule: "If
it doesn't belong there -- it should come out."
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO 'JUST ME' IN HEMET, CALIF.: Don't put yourself down. You sound like a very
worthwhile person to me. In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson: "The only gift is a portion of
thyself." You don't have to spend money to give something of value.
life

Husband's Young Daughter Is a Stone in
Stepmother's Shoe
life

DEAR ABBY: Once again, you are receiving a letter from someone who never dreamed she would be
writing to you for advice. Actually, I don't know if I want advice, or just need to get my feelings out.
(I'm too ashamed to talk to any friends or family.)
I have been married for seven years to a wonderful man and I love him dearly. He has an 8-year-old
daughter from a previous marriage. The problem is, I can't bring myself to "love" this child. I can't
stand to be around her. I've always felt this way, but it has become worse since I had my own daughter
2 1/2 years ago.
My stepdaughter (I'll call her Mary) is with us every other weekend and on holidays. When Mary
comes to stay, I get depressed because I feel I have to pretend to like her -- I don't hate her, and I would
never hurt her. In fact, when she needs discipline, I bite my lip to keep from saying anything.
Mary has a sassy mouth and can be very rude to adults. My husband is aware of my feelings for her,
but he doesn't know how deep they are. I truly love my own daughter, and when my husband walks in
on Fridays with Mary, I cringe; when he leaves with her on Sunday, I let out a sigh of relief.
I hope one day things will get better, but right now, I can't seem to get over my feelings. -- ASHAMED
DEAR ASHAMED: Congratulations -- you have already identified your problem, are properly contrite
and want to resolve it. We all have people in our lives we cannot "love" or even like, so don't be
ashamed.
You need to find out why you have such hostile feelings toward this 8-year-old child. Perhaps it has
something to do with her being the daughter of your husband's former wife.
You could also be reacting to Mary's negative feelings toward you. After all, you are the woman who
replaced her mother. And it's also possible that Mary's mother may have influenced her.
Please consider a family therapist. Your problem may be solved once you understand why you and
your stepdaughter feel the way you do.
life

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party at the home of a very high-class,
prominent society leader, who has a reputation for entertaining beautifully.
My husband's widowed sister came to town unexpectedly, so I telephoned my hostess and asked if I
could bring our houseguest.
She asked, "Is your houseguest a male or female?"
I said, "She is my husband's widowed sister."
Abby, would you believe this so-called high-class society lady replied, "Oh, dear, that's too bad; we
already have three extra women -- if you could bring a man, I would be delighted, but we don't need
any more women."
Have you ever heard of anything to top this? -- SPEECHLESS IN LA JOLLA
DEAR SPEECHLESS: Yes. It actually happened to a friend of mine some years ago. When she was
told an extra man would be welcome, but they couldn't accommodate an extra woman, she replied,
"Oh, I didn't know we were going to mate at the table." (Thank you, Mickey Ziffren.)
life

life
Mother of the Bride Is Fed Up With No-Shows and Tag-Alongs

DEAR ABBY: I can certainly sympathize with "Pressured in Pennsylvania" who wanted a "no-child"
wedding. All of the invitations to my daughter's wedding last month were worded in the correct way
and addressed to "Mr. and Mrs." We assumed that by not including "and family," we would have no
trouble. Wrong!
Friends whom we had not seen in a number of years, and would have welcomed with open arms,
announced that they were coming 500 miles to the wedding and bringing their married daughter (who
was invited) and her three small children (who were definitely not invited!). It fell to me to telephone
long-distance and tell them that the children were not included in the invitation. They said they had
never heard of such a thing, and if the children weren't welcome, they wouldn't be coming either. I
stood my ground and said I was sorry, but that's the way it was. They never came.
Also, my daughter and I spent an entire weekend calling people who had failed to RSVP. A number of
them told us they thought that if they were not planning to attend, they did not need to respond. (What
did they think the stamp on the return envelope was for?) Several accepted but never showed up.
Abby, I think it's time to change the rules. Tacky or not, if I ever have to do this again, I will state on
the invitations:
"Sorry, adults only.
"Please respond with a yes or no. A stamped envelope is included for your convenience."
And finally, the ultimate in tacky: "No-shows will be billed for the amount charged per person, by the
caterer." (In our case, it was $30 per head, and we were out several hundred dollars and a lot of food
went to waste because of those thoughtless people.)
Thank you for listening because I really needed to get this off my chest! If you print this, please do not
use my name. -- OUTRAGED IN OREGON
DEAR OUTRAGED: My mail over the years indicates that many people do not understand what
RSVP means. Perhaps the following would be preferable: "Please respond with a 'YES, we will be
there' or, 'NO, we will not attend.' A stamped envelope is enclosed for your convenience."
P.S. Many people have written to say, "We thought it wasn't necessary to respond because we cannot
attend." Others in equal numbers wrote to say, "We didn't respond because we will be there."
life

DEAR ABBY: We would like to pass along a family tradition we started some years ago. A few days
after each Christmas and birthday, we go through our daughter Kristin's toys. With her help, we decide
which toys she doesn't play with -- or has outgrown -- and would like to give to less fortunate children.
In addition to the obvious benefit of children getting toys they might not otherwise receive, it teaches
our own child the joy of sharing.
So instead of selling those old but good-as-new toys your children have outgrown -- or boxing them up
to store in the back of your closet or attic -- give them to your local charity. After all, isn't the joy of
giving worth far more than a couple of bucks made from a garage sale? -- THE MC ALEENEN
FAMILY, CHARLESTON AFB, S.C.
DEAR MC ALEENEN FAMILY: Hooray for you. May each successive holiday season by happier than
the previous one. You deserve it.
life

life
MOTHER'S UP-FRONT TALK SETS DAUGHTER

STRAIGHT ABOUT SEX
DEAR ABBY: I am writing this as a follow-up to the letter I wrote you in June about my 13-year-old
daughter. (I told you she was getting dangerously close to the boyfriend she had been seeing morning,
noon and night.)
I took your advice and spoke to her about sex. I purchased at the local drugstore several forms of birth
control (condoms, contraceptive sponge and vaginal suppositories). I also bought something called a
"teen pack," which contained several trial-size items introducing young females to such things as
tampons, mini-pads, maxi-pads, shaving lotion and razors for shaving legs. When I got home, I invited
my daughter to join me at the kitchen table. My husband was working late that night, so it was a
perfect opportunity for girl talk.
I lined up the contraceptive devices on the table. My daughter was a bit curious. I gave her the teen
pack, telling her that all the items in that package were things that we had discussed. Then I pointed to
the other items on the table and said they were items that we needed to talk about.
I carefully explained to her that now that she had become a young woman having a monthly period,
she could become pregnant if she had sex. I then told her that I was in no way condoning sex in
someone as young as she, but that I wanted her to be informed. I then took each product and explained
how it was used, and showed her the directions and how to check the expiration date on the product.
After that, I opened each package and let her touch the device, examine it and ask questions.
I made sure she was aware that even if you are on the birth control pill, that still did not stop sexually
transmitted diseases such as AIDS. I told her that safe sex with condoms could not completely
guarantee the prevention of pregnancy or disease, but that the only way to ensure not getting pregnant
or a sexually transmitted disease was not to have sex.
I then took the remaining products and placed them in a box in her bathroom closet. I told her I would
not check the box, but if she ever felt a need to experiment, that they would be there. I stressed to her
to always feel that she could come to me before making any decisions that could change her life
forever.
And, I made some important points to her that truly hit home: I pointed out that she was too young to
obtain a driver's license, too young to drink, too young to get a job, and too young to be responsible for
the life of another human being. I reminded her that if she were to have a child, her education and
social life would cease until such time that she could afford a baby sitter to resume her studies and
social activities.
I realize this letter is lengthy, but I wanted you to know how I dealt with this issue. My daughter, after
our talk, has been a different person!
I trust my daughter, and your advice was a big help in dealing with a very difficult situation. I realize
that I have a long way to go in completing the journey through her teen years, but I feel that we, as a
family, will survive.
I am truly grateful, Abby. Thank you. -- NORTH DAKOTA MOM

DEAR MOM: Every daughter should have a mother like you.
life

included.)
GRANDMA SEES SOME MADNESS IN
DAUGHTER'S PARENTING METHOD
life

DEAR ABBY: This is my first letter to you, although I have been reading your column for many years.
I need an outside opinion.
I am a grandmother in my 70s and have just returned from visiting my daughter, her husband and their
three darling children -- all under the age of 5 -- and I'm upset with some of their parenting methods.
For example:
They lock the doors to their children's bedrooms at night because "the children might get out of their
beds and roam around the house and we may not hear them."
If one child deserves punishment, all three are punished. And if one child says a naughty word, all
three are given hot sauce in the mouth.
Abby, I know these parents love their children very much, but are these methods of disciplining them
wise? Please understand, it is not my intention to interfere. -- GRAM
DEAR GRAM: Children's bedroom doors should not be locked. Should a flash fire occur, it would be a
nightmare.
Punishing all the children when only one has earned the punishment is a good way to make siblings
grow up to hate each other.
Children who use "naughty" words should not be punished with hot sauce in the mouth -- they should
be taught the proper and acceptable word to use instead of the "naughty" word.
life

DEAR ABBY: I had to write in response to "A Very Disappointed Trampoline Owner" who was upset
because he had to buy more insurance to cover himself if he was sued by neighbors whose kids
sneaked into his yard and jumped on his trampoline.
You suggested he build a fence and put a lock on it so children couldn't use the trampoline unless they
were supervised.
Abby, if "Disappointed" wanted to give his children a fun toy, he may as well have given them a chain
saw, because a trampoline is no less dangerous. Supervision doesn't ensure safety.
My sister is a quadriplegic today because of a trampoline mishap she had years ago. She was a trained
college gymnast who had spotters watching her when she did a back flip on the trampoline and broke
her neck! She never left the trampoline, or hit the sides.
"Disappointed" is afraid an unsupervised child will get hurt and sue him. What happens if his own
children get hurt? There will be no one to blame but himself. If he really loves his children, he'll get rid
of the trampoline. You may use my name. -- JENIFER WOETZEL, WELCH, MINN.
DEAR JENIFER: I am genuinely sorry about your sister's tragic accident. Because you cared enough
to write, millions of readers are now alerted to the potential hazard of trampolines.
life

life
Adopted Woman Finds Her Roots and a Blossom Too

DEAR ABBY: I am a first-time writer, and it's about time! In November 1983, you ran a letter in the
San Diego Union about the International Soundex Reunion Registry. It gave me the information I
needed to locate my birth mother. She had already registered when I was an infant -- wondering if I
would even be told that I was adopted.
As it turned out, I was raised by wonderful parents who told me (and my two adopted brothers) as
much about our adoption as was appropriate at different stages in our lives. We grew up knowing that
our biological mothers (as Mom called them) wanted more for us than they thought they could have
provided.
Although my parents never encouraged any of us to search for our birth parents, I was always curious
to know about my "roots."
I won't ramble on about our reunion, but suffice it to say, it was terrific! My birth mother and I are
good friends -- but not best friends; that position is reserved for my adopted mom.
Abby, thank you for the best birthday present I could have asked for. I met my birth mother shortly
after my 24th birthday. My closing thoughts are for adoptive parents and those considering adoption:
Tell your children about their adoption from the time they are tiny. Read them stories about it -- tell
them that another lady carried them in her tummy, but wasn't able to care for them. Tell them what
you're comfortable with, but never lie to them or hide the adoption.
Children who grow up knowing about their adoptions are just as balanced and happy as other kids --
and there's no worrying about their finding out "later." Also, present the birth mother in a positive light
so the child never feels "dumped," or like secondhand stock.
Thank you once again, Abby! -- LORI KAY DAY IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR LORI: Thank you for writing. Your letter made my day. Biological parents can register with
International Soundex Reunion Registry, P.O. Box 2312, Carson City, Nev. 89702. Adopted children
may also register -- and when the children become of legal age, if both parties are registered and want
to find each other, a match is made. Send a long, stamped, self-addressed envelope to the above
registry, requesting Soundex forms.
I have dealt with the people at the registry for many years and have found them to be efficient, honest,
and in total agreement with my feelings that neither the identity of the birth parents nor the adopted
child shall be disclosed unless both parties are agreeable to a reunion.
life

DEAR ABBY: This letter is for the Schmucks of Ormand Beach, Fla.
I am in my 60s, and all my life my parents called me a "schmuck" when I did something foolish. And
when my own children didn't behave, I would say, "Don't be a schmuck!"
Last October, we went to Germany to visit some relatives. I saw a building there with a sign that said
"SCHMUCKS" so I asked my cousin what it meant, and she said "jewels." Imagine my surprise! All
this time, I had been calling my children "jewels" when I really had something else in mind.
I am signing my real name, which I am told means "dam" in German. You can probably guess the fun
the Germans had with that name! -- MILLIE WEIR IN ANAHEIM, CALIF.
life

Worth clipping (from "Forbes Magazine"): "Love is what happens to a man and a woman who don't
know each other." Somerset Maugham
life

life
Wife's Friends Are No Support to Family Hit by Unemployment

DEAR ABBY: Over a year ago, my husband lost his job of 21 years when his company was sold. This
last year has been the most grueling, sad year of our lives. It has brought a drastic change in our
lifestyle, the threat of losing our home of 20 years, lower grades for my children, and a host of other
traumas.
But one of the most painful realities has been the lack of support from my friends -- wives of highly
paid businessmen. I never dreamed my "friends" would be so ignorant of the realities of
unemployment. My husband's friends have been terrific. They call often, circulate his resume, take him
out to lunch. Except for two or three, my friends have ignored the situation as if I have a contagious
disease.
To the many women who are not in the business world, I would like to share these thoughts. Please:
1. Call the families of the unemployed often. The spouse needs to know that someone is there for her.
2. Don't try to find reasons why the person was fired. In the majority of cases, they did nothing wrong.
3. Don't suggest she and her husband "go out to dinner" to cheer up. They have no money.
4. Do invite them to your house even though they may not be able to reciprocate for a while.
5. Don't suggest counseling just because they are unhappy. Of course they are unhappy -- it is a sad
time in their lives. The majority of people in this situation need friends, not counselors.
6. Do ask if you can circulate the husband's resume. Remember, less than 10 percent of jobs are
received through ads. Most are received through networking.
7. If you receive the resume in the mail, please respond! Send a note or call the person who sent it. Tell
them you'll keep your ears open for any possible job opportunities.
8. Be understanding. When someone has one major problem, it is so easy to become short-tempered,
run-down and unhappy. Don't remind them that there are people worse off than they are. They know
that. They have probably spent much time doing volunteer work helping the less fortunate.
9. Most of all, remember, just because your friends are wearing nice clothes or living in a nice house
does not mean they are not hurting. In our case, we haven't purchased anything except food in a year.
Needed house repairs have been put on hold. (Just because I don't look like a homeless person doesn't
mean I'm not poor.)
The unemployed need your support to get them through these hard times. Please, pick up the phone
and call someone today. -- SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN THERE
DEAR BEEN THERE: I am printing your letter because it speaks to everyone -- and very eloquently. It
addresses the issue of loyalty among friends. Bad luck is not contagious. Apathy is.
life

CONFIDENTIAL TO J.L.S.: Relax and be yourself. "The most exhausting thing in life is being
insincere." -- ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH
life

FIGHTING OVER PIANO LESSONS IS NOT
MUSIC TO MOM'S EARS
life

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Naomi," who is 8 years old, has been taking piano lessons for three
years. In recent months she seems to have lost interest in the piano, and it's a struggle to get her to
practice. I usually lose my temper, and she ends up in tears.
I finally gave up trying to force her to practice. My theory is that unless she is motivated by her own
desire to learn, it's not worth the hassle -- not to mention the money we're wasting on lessons.
My husband disagrees. He thinks we should make Naomi practice no matter how much she hates it. I
should also mention that our son, "David," who is now 13, was allowed to quit taking violin lessons
three months ago because of his many school obligations, plus making the football team -- which his
father wholeheartedly approved of.
Naomi is angry. She can't understand why we let her brother quit his music lessons, but we are not
allowing her to quit.
What do you think, Abby? If you have a solution my husband will listen to, perhaps we can have some
peace in this house. -- FIGHTING IN FLORIDA
DEAR FIGHTING: Assuming that David started taking violin lessons when he was 5, he has had eight
years of music lessons. In order to treat both children equally, Naomi should take music lessons for
another five years.
Don't give up so easily. Tell Naomi she may quit when she's 13, if she wants to.
For what it's worth, I have had numerous letters from readers saying they were forced to take music
lessons and they hated it at the time, but later on, they were glad they weren't allowed to quit when
they begged to.
However, readers have never written to say they regretted getting a musical education -- even though
they often practiced with tears in their eyes.
life

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for suggesting that licking envelopes and postage stamps is unsanitary, then
recommending a damp sponge instead. Right on.
Many years ago, when I was living in a college dormitory, I noticed that my postage stamps were not
sticking to the envelopes no matter how much I licked them. Then I discovered that cockroaches were
eating the glue off the stamps! With everyone in the dorm getting cookies from home, it was
impossible to rid the dorm of roaches.
Now that I have my own home and am confident that it is free of bugs, I lick without worrying. --
JOHN WAYLAND, WACO, TEXAS
DEAR JOHN: Better keep your tongue in your mouth. I learned the hard way that storing those brown
paper grocery sacks is not a good idea. The glue on the sacks attracts not only cockroaches, but mice
and rats, too. (Sorry if I spoiled your breakfast.)
life

life
Cutting Cable Sets Family Free to Enjoy One Another

DEAR ABBY: Something wonderful has happened to my family, and I want to share it with you and
your readers.
I have had cable TV in my home for five years. I have four children -- all in grade school -- and there
was a constant battle about which TV channel to watch, as we had only one set, which was in the living
room. The kids would sit there after school changing the channel every two minutes and not watching
anything special.
I finally got sick of the squabbling and called the cable company and told them I wanted no more cable
TV in my house. The kids were upset with me, but after a couple of days, they didn't miss it at all. Now
for the good part:
It's been a year since I returned my cable box, and the children's grades have improved dramatically.
They are now reading in their spare time instead of watching the boob tube, and my husband has
started to talk to me!
We still enjoy TV, but now we rent tapes of the movies we want to see instead of watching whatever is
available on TV.
I wish someone had written a letter like this one for me to see. I hope this helps someone else.
Love you, Abby. Please never retire! -- BEV IN WORCESTER, MASS.
DEAR BEV: I hope your letter inspires others to follow your sensible example. And who said anything
about retiring? I promise to stay at this typewriter as long as my fingers, and mind, can do the job.
life

DEAR ABBY: We were married four months ago. (My husband and I paid for the wedding ourselves.)
We also hired the best photographer in town, and were very happy with the results. His bill for all the
pictures was $800.
My problem is my new mother-in-law. As soon as we got our wedding pictures, I dropped them off at
her house so she could review them and decide which ones she wanted to order. I stopped by her house
every weekend to get her decision, and she said, "I haven't had time to look at them yet."
Now she says she is sure she gave them back to me. When I assured her that she did not, she said she
must have misplaced them, but she was sure they were "somewhere around the house."
Abby, as of now, the pictures have not turned up. My husband and I have argued about this, and I say
his mother should replace them. I need your advice. -- ANGRY AND IMPATIENT
DEAR ANGRY: Since your mother-in-law is sure that the wedding pictures are "somewhere around
the house," ask if you and her son may come over and help her look for them. If she is agreeable, and
your search proves fruitless, accept the fact that they are gone.
Of course she should replace them. If she refuses, and you want the wedding pictures, you will have to
replace them yourselves.
life

life
WIFE WITH LOW ARDOR CAN TAKE PILLS AND TRY

HARDER

DEAR ABBY: This is in regard to the recently published letter from "Tired in Utah" -- the lady who
proposes to harass her over-60 husband with saltpeter to cool his sexual desires.
Your answer made it clear that this idea isn't too swift. Maybe you should follow Jimmy Durante's
advice: "If you can't raise the bridge, lower the river."
A well-stocked health food store will have a vitamin called "Womanpower" -- composed primarily of
yohimbine, an aphrodisiac made from the ground bark of the African yohimbe tree. It is reputed to be
quite effective and might possibly rev up her sexual motor to the same speed as that of her
underprivileged husband. The Womanpower label cautions that it should not be consumed along with
alcohol. -- MALE YOHIMBINE FAN IN JACKSON, TENN.
DEAR FAN: I checked out "yohimbine" in my Random House dictionary and found it to be exactly as
you described it -- an aphrodisiac made from the ground bark of the yohimbe tree.
Now, a word about aphrodisiacs: If you sincerely believe that they will enhance your sexual desires --
they might.
life

DEAR ABBY: My problem concerns Christmas gift-giving to my children and/or grandchildren. Their
circumstances are not alike, and I want to be fair.
One daughter is divorced with one child.
One daughter is married with no children.
One daughter and her husband have two children.
My question is -- should I allot a certain amount of money for each individual, or each family unit?
And should the fact that one daughter has less than the others enter into the picture? Is there a fair
solution? -- CONCERNED IN FLORIDA
DEAR CONCERNED: Spend approximately the same amount on each of your children and on each of
your grandchildren. For those whose need is greater, give whatever you wish during the year -- but for
no special occasion.
life

DEAR ABBY: I've waited almost a year after my mother died to write this letter. I am one of five
children, and obviously the only one who even cares if the date gets put on our mother's tombstone.
Is there a polite way of mentioning this to my brothers and sisters? I make minimum wage and can't
afford to do this myself or I would. Any advice would be helpful. -- NO NAME, CITY OR STATE
DEAR NO NAME: Try this: "Will you all kindly contribute your fair share in order to have the date
engraved on Mother's tombstone? There are five of us, and even though none of us is rich, it's shameful
that Mother's tombstone is as barren of identification as that of the unknown soldier."
Then list the engraving costs.

life

Dad's Walking in on Couple Has Girlfriend
Ready to Run
life

DEAR ABBY: Something terribly embarrassing happened to me yesterday -- it's every young woman's
nightmare.
My boyfriend's father walked in on us during a very, very private moment. We are both in our early 20s
and have been dating for three years and plan to marry next year when we graduate from college.
I don't know if this was a surprise for his father since his son and I have been dating for a long time,
but I am very embarrassed about the situation. How can I ever face this man again? He told his son to
let me know that he was very sorry, and he didn't mean to invade our privacy. I felt a little better about
the situation, but I'm still too embarrassed to look the man in the face.
Do you think he feels differently about me now? And how can I deal with this? -- EMBARRASSED
DEAR EMBARRASSED: There is nothing you can do about the past, so there's no point in agonizing
over it. If your boyfriend's father is somewhat sophisticated and worldly, chances are he is not nearly as
shocked as you are embarrassed. The best way to deal with it is to say nothing.
life

DEAR ABBY: My son was married six months ago, and I just learned that a number of wedding gifts
from our side of the family have not as yet been acknowledged.
As the mother of the groom, would it be improper for me to telephone or write a note to those whose
wedding gifts have not been acknowledged? -- NO CITY, PLEASE
DEAR NO CITY: Although you are understandably embarrassed, it would be inappropriate for you to
take it upon yourself to acknowledge your adult children's wedding gifts.
To do so would give the impression that your son and his bride are either lazy, negligent, disorganized,
insensitive, thoughtless, procrastinating or ignorant -- or possibly all of the above. It would also make
you appear to be a meddlesome and overprotective parent.
But since this has bothered you enough to write to me, I suggest that you tell your son and his bride
that you are embarrassed by their negligence. Then volunteer to assist in a chore that appears to be too
much for them.
life

DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, you referred to your definition of "maturity," but you printed only part
of it. Will you please print the entire definition? As I recall, it was wonderful. -- BARBARA IN
KAILUA, HAWAII
DEAR BARBARA: Here it is:
MATURITY IS:
The ability to stick with a job until it's finished.
The ability to do a job without being supervised.
The ability to carry money without spending it.
And the ability to bear an injustice without wanting
to get even.
life

life
If God Set Up a Picket Line, We Would All Be Out of Luck

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, I copied this poem out of your column in the Indiana (Pa.) Gazette.
Since there are so many strikes now, I thought it might be a good time to print it again. -- MRS.
ARTHUR STEELE, INDIANA, PA.
IF GOD SHOULD GO 0N STRIKE
by Walt Huntley
How good it is that God above
has never gone on strike,
Because He was not treated fair
in things He didn't like.
If only once, He'd given up and
said, "That's it, I'm through!
"I've had enough of those on Earth,
so this is what I'll do:
"I'll give my orders to the sun

cut off the heat supply!
"And to the moon -- give no more light,
and run the oceans dry.
"Then just to make things really tough
and put the pressure on,
"Turn off the vital oxygen till
every breath is gone!"
You know He would be justified,
if fairness was the game,
For no one has been more abused
or met with more disdain
Than God, and yet he carries on,
supplying you and me
With all the favors of His grace,
and everything for free.
Men say they want a better deal,
and so on strike they go,
But what a deal we've given God
to whom all things we owe.
We don't care whom we hurt
to gain the things we like;
But what a mess we'd all be in,
If God should go on strike.

life

DEAR ABBY: I am living proof that a person is never too old to learn. I have had a fingernail-chewing
habit since I was a young boy. I tried everything I ever heard of to break the habit. Nothing worked --
until I read about a "cure" in, of all places, your column! You suggested wearing a rubber band around
the wrist, and whenever the nail-biter picks up his or her hand to chew a fingernail, snap the rubber
band instead.
Here I am, an 80-year-old man who finally found a cure for a habit I have hated nearly all my life. The
rubber band I wear on my right wrist at all times is an eighth of an inch wide, and it's loose and
comfortable.
I am signing my name, which you have my permission to use if you wish. Thank you, Dear Abby. --
WILLIAM (BILL) ISAKSON, HOLIDAY, FLA,
DEAR MR. ISAKSON: I am delighted to have been of help. I'd give you a snappier answer, but it
might be stretching things a bit. So, congratulations, and all good wishes to you.
life

included.)
life
World War II Gun Needs to Be Discharged From Vet's Home

DEAR ABBY: I need to know how I can legally get rid of a military .45-caliber handgun that I have
had since I was in the U.S. Army back in 1943. It was issued to me prior to my being shipped overseas.
When I was discharged, the parachute and most of the other equipment I had been issued was
requisitioned back by the military, but no mention was ever made of the gun, or the 1 1/2 clips of
ammunition that I still possess. (In all of this time, I have never fired the gun.)
I want to return the gun to the government, but I don't want to find myself in hot water for having
possessed it all this time as a civilian. Since the gun is plainly marked "U.S. Property," I am wondering
if my civilian possession of it all these years may have somehow been illegal ever since my discharge.
-- WONDERING IN SAN JOSE
DEAR WONDERING: According to Sherry Lawrence of the Personnel Command Public Affairs
Office of the Army, the failure of the military to reclaim the weapon at the time of your discharge was
probably the result of a paperwork slip-up.
Because the weapon is old and probably has not been maintained, it may be a safety hazard.
Call your local police department and explain that you have a weapon from World War II that needs to
be safely disposed of. They will either advise you to bring it in, or offer to pick it up.
I advise you not to handle it -- lock it up until you either deliver it to the local police or they pick it up.
Peace of mind is only a telephone call away.
life

DEAR ABBY: Recently we had a devastasting fire in the East Bay hills of Berkeley and Oakland.
There were many lives lost -- people and animals injured, and countless homes destroyed.
In the days after the fire, the San Francisco Chronicle printed stories of personal loss. Those who were
able to escape from their homes with a few personal treasures mentioned that they grabbed
photographs! This brought to mind that perhaps one of the best things family and friends of those who
have lost their homes can do is to go through their own personal photo collections and choose photos
to give the family who has sustained this tragic loss.
Negatives can be made from photographs, and perhaps some of the local film developers could offer a
discount on the process for this particular group of individuals. It would be a small way to give people
back parts of their lives. -- SYLVIA CLONINGER, BELMONT, CALIF.
DEAR SYLVIA: Only a person with a generous heart would have thought of the above. Take a bow,
Sylvia!
life

DEAR ABBY: Can you stand one more letter about tattoos?
The only difference between tattooed people and non-tattooed people is: Tattooed people don't care if
you're not tattooed. -- TOM THE TATTOOED TYPESETTER, SEATTLE
life

Dog's Dishwashing Duty Is Frowned Upon by
Vet
life

DEAR ABBY: This concerns "Name Withheld," who wrote: "I invited my sister-in-law over for dinner.
She came and brought her dog. After dinner, she took a plate of leftovers, set it on the floor, and let her
dog lick the plate clean. I was appalled!"
You, too, were obviously "appalled" because you suggested that "Name Withheld" should buy her
sister-in-law a couple of doggie dishes.
Abby, a dog's saliva is antiseptic -- that's why dogs instinctively lick their wounds. I would much rather
have my dog lick my spoon than take a taste off a spoon that has been in a human mouth.
Aren't dogs wonderful? -- JAN IN ORANGE, CALIF.
DEAR JAN: Dogs are indeed wonderful, but Dr. Erwin David, my veterinary expert, says: "Dog saliva
is by no means antiseptic. Several species of bacteria have been found in the saliva of clinically healthy
dogs; so for hygienic reasons, I would advise Jan to keep her dog dishes and people dishes separate."
life

DEAR ABBY: This is in reference to "In a Quandary" -- the person who saw an older woman who
resides in a retirement home shoplift a couple of inexpensive items (a lipstick and bottle of nail polish)
in a shopping center store.
As a court reporter for more than 20 years, I have seen it demonstrated over and over that shoplifting is
very often a sign of stress -- especially in older people. It covers all social strata: movie stars,
executives -- people with plenty of money in their pockets at the time. A little investigation will usually
uncover the recent death of a spouse, illness, depression or some other emotional distress.
The same is true of exhibitionists -- as in the case of Pee-wee Herman, for example. I couldn't believe
that no one came forward with this bit of information. Check it out. We need to put our arms around
these people and ask, "What's the problem?"
To haul them out publicly and label them "criminals" is ignorant and unsympathetic. -- KAY D., SAN
FRANCISCO
DEAR KAY: Orchids to you for pointing out that good people will often behave uncharacteristically
under pressure or stress.
life

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, your "Chuckle for Today" read:
When George Jessel took Lena Horne to a famous restaurant, the doorman asked, "Who made your
reservation?" Jessel replied, "Abraham Lincoln."
Abby, it was George Jessel, all right, but it wasn't Lena Horne. It was Sammy Davis Jr. And it was not
a famous restaurant; it was a hotel.
Over the years, that incident has been attributed to Harry Belafonte, Milton Berle, Joey Adams, et al. --
WESTPORT PETE
life

life
Mother-Daughter Relationship Is Toppled by Mountain of Debt

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, I lent my daughter and her husband $35,000 so they could purchase a
home. I told them that they could pay me back when they were financially able. (No mention was
made about "interest.")
After two years, there was nothing said about repaying the loan, so I asked them when they intended to
pay me back. They just looked at each other, then changed the subject. By the way, their combined
incomes come close to $100,000 annually.
Now they tell me that they considered the money a gift, and they will not be paying it back! Needless
to say, we are not speaking. Is there anything I can do to get my money back? Can I take them to court?
-- BESIDE MYSELF IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR BESIDE: Can you take them to court? Of course you can, but in the absence of a written note
stating that the $35,000 was a loan, you not only bought them a house -- you bought yourself a
headache. Your first order of business: Call your lawyer.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am 14 years old, and my best friend just died. Her name is Beeper. She is a bird -- a
finch, to be exact.
Beeper died all of a sudden. She wasn't even sick. Yesterday, she was fine. It really hurts to lose a pet
without any kind of warning. Some people might think losing a bird is nothing to feel miserable about,
but Abby, Beeper meant the world to me, and I can't even weep for her because I'm afraid people will
laugh.
I just had to write to you to express my feelings. I hope you won't think I'm silly. I am really sad.
People say, "Get another bird -- it will help you get over losing Beeper." Abby, do you think I should
get another bird? -- APRIL SOLOMON
DEAR APRIL: Yes, but don't try to replace Beeper with a finch that looks like Beeper. A pet -- like a
human friend -- can never be replaced.
life

DEAR ABBY: You often hear from people who feel trapped into "competitive grandparenting," feeling
they must match the in-laws gift for gift. The same sort of competition can develop between parents
and stepparents. The kids encourage it because of all the goodies they get.
I recently heard my mother deal with the issue in a wonderful way. My sister's 5-year-old was visiting
my mother and asked, "Are you going to take me to the toy store? Grandma Johnson always does."
I was horrified because my parents are nowhere near as well off as the "Johnsons." But Mother didn't
get defensive. She just said, "Different grandmas are good at different things. Grandma Johnson is your
shopping grandma; I am your cooking grandma." And they went into the kitchen and made brownies!
Isn't that beautiful? I don't have any grandkids yet, but I have already decided to be their "reading
grandma." -- AUNTIE M IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR AUNTIE M: I admire your mother's sense of values. Every child should be so lucky as to have
a "cooking grandma."
life

DEAR READERS: Have a merry Christmas, but to ensure that it will be a merry one for all -- if you're
driving, don't drink; and if you're drinking, don't drive!
life

included.
life
Man's Best Friend Deserves More Than Just Friendship

DEAR ABBY: I am a volunteer and board member at the Mercer County Humane Society animal
shelter in West Virginia.
Approximately 10,000 animals pass through our shelter each year, many of which do not find homes.
We feed and love them, but there aren't enough good homes for all of them.
I feel sure that puppies and kittens are on many children's wish lists for Christmas. Pets can be man's
best friends and wonderful companions, but I wish that people would realize how much care a pet
actually requires. All the cats and dogs that end up at our shelter were once someone's sweet little
kitten or puppy.
Enclosed is a column you wrote 10 years ago, titled "Doggy in the Window." Please give it another go.
-- SARAH R. GIBSON, PRINCETON, W.VA.
DEAR MS. GIBSON: At the risk of winding up in the doghouse (some readers do not like reruns), I'll
chance it:
DEAR ABBY: My name is Joshua and I am 7 years old. I want a dog, but my mother says no. I really
want one bad. Abby, I will take any kind. I promise to take care of it. How can I get my mother to let
me have a dog? -- WANTING A DOG
DEAR JOSHUA: Please answer these questions:
1. Who will prepare the dog's meals?
2. Will someone be home during the day to look after the dog?
3. If the dog is a puppy, someone will have to exercise it at least twice a day. Who will do it?
4. Who will pay for the dog's license, collar, shots, regular examinations at the vet's, and any
emergency treatment the dog may need?
5. Who will pay the cost of spaying or neutering your pet to prevent the birth of more unwanted
puppies in a nation that already has too many? Every day, thousands are "put to sleep."
6. Are you willing to obey all the laws concerning dogs, such as keeping yours on a leash, and seeing
that it doesn't do its "business" where it shouldn't?
7. Are you willing to care for the dog as long as it lives?
Important lessons are learned from having a pet, but it takes time, money and a willingness to accept
responsibility to be a dog owner. Can you handle it?
life

DEAR ABBY: About a month ago, my husband and I decided to do our Christmas shopping early. We
bought coats, ski pants, thermal socks and boots -- for homeless people.
I can't begin to describe the joy it gave us. Shopping had never been so much fun. Instead of worrying
about sizes and colors, we simply bought warm, sturdy clothes. Since we bought everything at an
outlet store, we managed to get about 100 items, including 17 winter coats -- for a little more than
$1,000.
When we delivered the clothes to the local shelter, the manager was overjoyed. Winter weather had
arrived the night before, and she had already given out all the winter coats. She had dreaded coming to
the shelter that night, knowing she had no warm clothes to distribute.
Next year my husband and I will celebrate Christmas twice. The first time will be in July! Abby, won't
you please let your readers know that "Christmas" can happpen any day of the year -- the joys of
giving are rewarding beyond belief, and the need is always there. -- OVERJOYED IN EVANSTON,
ILL.
DEAR OVERJOYED: Thanks for reiterating a homily that may sound corny -- but it is, indeed, more
blessed to give than to receive.
life

Quick Relief for Dry Mouth Brings Smiles to
Many Lips
life

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, I read in your column about people having a problem with dry
mouth.
I failed to keep the article in which you kindly offered information about my problem. Please print it
again, and this time, I will make a note of the solution. I've read of other remedies, but I believe your
information was the best. -- SPITTING COTTON
DEAR SPITTING COTTON: The column to which you referred was printed in October 1987, but here
it is again:
DEAR ABBY: A while back you recommended a "saliva substitute" for people who suffer from dry
mouth. Having suffered from that condition for two years, I went immediately to the pharmacy and
asked for a saliva substitute. The pharmacist said she had never heard of such a product and told me to
ask my dentist what the brand name was.
I called my dentist, and he had never heard of a saliva substitute either. Abby, can you tell me the name
of this product and where it can be purchased? -- NEEDS IT IN ILLINOIS
DEAR NEEDS: I had no idea that the problem of "dry mouth" was so widespread until I mentioned it
in my column and was promptly deluged with letters from readers seeking relief from that condition.
There are at least four brands of saliva substitutes on the market today. Ask your pharmacist to check
the Annual Pharmacists' Reference Red Book, Facts and Comparisons, or Physicians' Desk Reference
for Non-Prescription Drugs under "Saliva Substitutes."
Readers, for your information, "xerostomia" (dry mouth) can be caused by disease, medication,
radiation therapy or the normal aging process. This condition can cause acute discomfort, tooth decay,
inability to eat, swallow or talk, as well as difficulty in wearing dentures.
If your pharmacist has never heard of it and doesn't know where to get saliva substitutes, find another
pharmacist.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to thank you for an article that you ran recently that has given me more
relief and comfort than I can describe.
I am 83, male and reasonably healthy, but in recent years I've been terribly troubled with a dry mouth --
especially at night. I complained to my doctor. He just shrugged his shoulders. Then I read your
column in the San Francisco Chronicle, and my prayers were answered! In response to a letter asking
why a person would use a mouth spray in public, you quoted a dentist who said that as a result of
disease, medication, radiation therapy or simply aging, a number of people suffer from "xerostomia"
(dry mouth).
I immediately phoned my druggist, and he had never heard of a saliva substitute, so I told him to call
his supplier and order it.
He did, and the next day I picked it up and used it. Abby, I will be eternally grateful to you and that
dentist. No more dry mouth! God bless you. -- GRATEFUL IN PARADISE, CALIF.
DEAR GRATEFUL: I'll print your letter for the benefit of others who suffer from dry mouth and are
not aware of saliva substitutes.
life

life
Public's 'Right to Know' Doesn't Include Everything

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from Dr. Marvin Leaf suggesting that the fact that a person
has died from a smoking-related disease should be included in his or her obituary. But why stop there?
Since obese people are inclined to have high blood pressure and arteries clogged with cholesterol,
making them prime candidates for fatal heart attacks, an obituary might read: "Harold H. Smith, age 57
and 55 pounds overweight, succumbed suddenly last Sunday from a fatal heart attack." (His cholesterol
level and blood pressure could also be included here.)
And, because studies have shown that there is definitely a connection between breast cancer and
dietary fat, the obituary of Mary Jones might read: "Mary Jones, whose passion for ice cream, butter
and barbecued ribs proved to be truly a fatal attraction, died Monday after a long bout with cancer."
Also, let's not forget those who have died of AIDS. This is America; the people have a right to know! --
STUART M. JOHNSON, LONG ISLANDER
DEAR STUART: Thanks for an amusing piece of satire. Laughter is sometimes very close to tears.
life

DEAR ABBY: May I add a few words to the letter from "One Hopeless Guy" who decided to chew
tobacco instead of smoke it?
Let me tell you what "dipping snuff" will do to you:
The nicotine from the tobacco seeps into your bloodstream, causing the arteries to constrict. The blood
platelets become sticky, while the heart starts to pound. Since the heart is beating faster through
narrowing arteries, the blood pressure rises, increasing the chances of heart disease and stroke.
While all of this is going on, the tobacco that has been stuffed between the cheek and gums is leaving a
white lesion -- a precancerous condition that becomes malignant in from 3 percent to 5 percent of the
cases. Your teeth will scream for a dentist, not to mention the fact that your chances for developing
cancer of the lip, nasal sinus, pharynx, larynx and esophagus also increase.
Your sense of taste and smell are diminished, which could result in the excessive use of salt, putting
you at risk for high blood pressure and/or kidney disease. Also, too much sugar may invite dental
problems.
I know this is not pleasant, Abby, but people who dip snuff need to know the facts. -- RON JETTE,
OTTAWA, CANADA
P.S. As my stationery indicates, I am director of communications of the Lung Association.
DEAR RON JETTE: On behalf of those who dip snuff -- or consider it the lesser evil to smoking -- I
thank you.
life

DEAR ABBY: You told "Foolish and Sorry," an Orange County girl, that you knew of no way to
remove tattooed eyeliner. There are, however, ways that ophthalmologists specializing in cosmetic
surgery of the eye can remove permanent eyeliner.
"Foolish and Sorry" should contact the university eye center nearest to her to find out if there is an
oculoplastic surgeon who is experienced in removing tattooed eyeliner. -- KATHLEEN F. LOUDEN,
CHICAGO
life

life
Safe Sex Is Made Even Safer by Proper Disposal of Condom

DEAR ABBY: With all this talk about condoms, there's not a word about how to dispose of them
safely. Are we assuming that condoms are used only in the privacy of one's own bedroom? Or do we
see the real world and know that they are used anywhere and everywhere?
No mention is ever made of sanitary disposal. To a casual stroller, it would seem that accepted disposal
is gravity. A walk in the park, and guess what? Your toddler just picked up an interesting little item. Or
one cuts through the parking lot and finds evidence of what has been going on at an earlier time.
Please, can't we protect others from the very thing the condom user is protecting himself from?
As the mother of a toddler 40 years ago, I was appalled when she found a "balloon" and was blowing it
up!
With the enormous increase in demand, condom manufacturers can well afford individual packages
that unfold to make a proper receptacle for disposal. I hope this makes your well-read column. -- MRS.
E.S., SAN DIEGO
DEAR MRS. E.S.: Thank you for an excellent suggestion. I hope the condom manufacturers pick up
on it. It would be a public service.
life

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl who regularly baby-sits on weekends. The child is wonderful,
but his mother is the one I'm having trouble with.
Every time I baby-sit, I wait weeks to get paid. On some occasions, I have even had to call this woman
and ask her to please pay me so I can buy birthday presents, etc. I feel pushy and greedy doing this, but
how else do I go about it?
So, Abby, please ask your readers to consider their children's sitters. After all, you can put off the
telephone bill for only so long before the phone company disconnects your telephone. -- SITTER IN
WAITING
DEAR SITTER: It's customary to pay the sitter immediately after the sitter has sat.
No need to feel "pushy" or "greedy" -- be up-front with the woman and tell her you expect to be paid
promptly following each sitting. The squeaky wheel gets the oil -- so speak up.
life

DEAR ABBY: Your rerun on hugging is now out of date. It should be published with the following
warning:
If you are a man and you hug a child, you may be accused of child molestation or pedophilia.
If you hug a woman, you could be charged with sexual harassment.
If you hug another man, you are suspected of being gay.
Well, you can still hug a dog. 0r can you? -- JIM TRUMAN, GRASS VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR JIM: Yes, but only with the dog's permission.

life

included.)
Small Successes Bring Major Victories Well
Within Reach
life

DEAR READERS: My New Year's column has become an annual tradition since 1973. These New
Year's resolutions are based on the original credo of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have taken the liberty of
using that theme with some variations of my own:
Just for today I will live through this day only, and not set far-reaching goals to try to overcome all my
problems at once. I know I can do something for 24 hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it
up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up
their minds to be." He was right. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. I will chase them out of
my mind and replace them with happy thoughts.
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can
correct and accept those things I cannot correct.
Just for today I will improve my mind. I will not be a mental loafer. I will force myself to read
something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll make an honest
effort to quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat nothing I know to be fattening. And I will force myself to
exercise -- even if it's only walking around the block or using the stairs instead of the elevator.
Just for today I'll do something I've been putting off for a long time. I'll finally write that letter, make
that phone call, clean that closet or straighten out those dresser drawers.
Just for today, before I speak I will ask myself, "Is it true? Is it kind?" and if the answer to either of
those questions is negative, I won't say it.
Just for today I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress
becomingly, talk softly, act courteously and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today
I'll not improve anybody except myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it, thereby saving
myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will gather the courage to do what is right and take the responsibility for my own
actions.
To one and all: Have a happy, healthy new year. And to ensure a happy new year for everyone else, if
you're driving, don't drink, and if you're drinking, don't drive. Have a designated driver or take a cab. --
LOVE, ABBY
P.S. God bless our men and women in uniform in every corner of the world where our flag is flying.
And let us not forget those patriotic Americans who are serving their country in the Peace Corps, as
well as those who have served and are now in veterans' hospitals and nursing homes.
life

life
MEMORIES OF ANNIVERSARY TRIP CLOUDED BY

FEELINGS OF GUILT

DEAR ABBY: Six years ago, my husband and I went to the Netherlands to celebrate our 35th wedding
anniversary. We had planned and saved for the trip for many years. Another married couple, our best
friends, were going with us. My mother had had several operations for cancer, but her doctor said she
could live another six months to a year.
You can probably guess what happened. We went off on this trip, and the second week of our holiday I
got a call from my brother telling me that Mom was in the hospital, but he didn't think I should cut my
trip short and come home. I did not go home, but my mother took a sudden turn for the worse and died
the next day. We had taken a weekend side trip and missed the telephone message giving us the news,
so I missed my mother's funeral.
A day has not gone by that I haven't wept bitter tears and asked God to forgive me. My mother had
sacrificed so much for me, and I wasn't even there to pay my last respects.
Just writing this has helped, but I still feel guilty. Maybe this will help others. Have you any words of
comfort for me? -- SORRY AND SAD
DEAR SORRY: This "serenity prayer" has helped many who have tormented themselves with
recrimination about something they have or have not done. It's the prayer for Alcoholics Anonymous. I
hope you will commit it to memory, and use it often:
God grant me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

life

DEAR ABBY: When my dog "Robert" died, I received an unusual memorial from a friend. It was such
a good idea, I want to pass it along. A donation was sent in Robert's memory to the Companion Animal
Fund of the College of Veterinary Medicine, Iowa State University. The purpose of the fund is to
support pet health research, and to purchase critically needed surgical and diagnostic equipment. Other
colleges of veterinary medicine must have similar funds.
I also received memorials to the local humane society -- a good idea, too. -- ROBY KESLER, CEDAR
RAPIDS, IOWA
DEAR ROBY KESLER: In a sense, donations of this kind return to pets some of the physical and
emotional benefits they so generously bestow upon all of us. How rewarding to know that research in
your pet's name will not only help to perpetuate his memory, but possibly lengthen the lives of other
pets as well.
life

DEAR ABBY: I read your "chuckle for today" in which you mentioned my late husband, George
Jessel. Thank you.
My "chuckle" for a lot of days: I once wrote a short column for a small monthly newsletter in San Jose,
Calif. I mentioned to George that maybe one day I might be famous, too. His only comment: "Honey,
your only claim to fame is that you are younger than Shirley Temple."
Honest. I did love him. -- MRS. GEORGE JESSEL, PACIFICA, CALIF.

life

life
Facts on Hearing Disorder Are Music to Many Ears

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, you printed several letters concerning older people who had heard
music inside their heads. I would appreciate any information you can give me, because my 92-year-old
mother is experiencing those symptoms and needs reassurance that she is not "going crazy."
Thank you for your assistance in this matter, and for many years of unadulterated information and
pleasure. -- JUDITH PHILLIPS, R.N., CANYON, TEXAS
DEAR JUDITH: That problem continues to surface from time to time, and when I explain that it is not
unusual, readers are greatly relieved to learn that they are not alone. Here they are again:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing those letters from people who keep hearing music in their heads.
I am one. I am now 76, and never told others because I was afraid of what they might think. I have
been a nurse for more than 50 years and had never heard of this condition. I feared that maybe I was
getting senile. I was truly relieved after reading in your column that many others had the same
experience.
During my waking hours, I hear hymns and waltzes. All the waltzes I loved to dance to keep drifting
through my mind. Now I can tell my doctor about it and not be afraid that he will look at me and think,
"Poor soul. She is really failing!" -- EMILIE IN BUCKS COUNTY
DEAR EMILIE: You would not believe the number of letters from readers who had also been hearing
things and doubted their sanity. One man said he nearly went crazy because he heard bees buzzing
continually in one ear -- night and day. Another said he heard constant crackling sounds, like bacon
frying. A woman heard the "chirping" of crickets. Still another said it sounded like a freight train was
roaring through her head. All feared they were going mad.
The sounds are due to a condition called "tinnitus," but the musical hallucinations are yet another
matter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: It was interesting seeing all the letters sent to you by people with musical
hallucinations.
The two cases I describe in my book, "The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat," were rather rare
and special examples of musical epilepsy associated with damage to the brain. But musical
hallucinations are relatively common, especially in older people, and though they should be checked
out, nearly always turn out to be benign -- a nuisance, but not necessarily a sign of neurological
disease. Readers should be assured about this. -- OLIVER SACKS, M.D., PROFESSOR OF
NEUROLOGY, ALBERT EINSTEIN COLLEGE OF MEDICINE, BRONX, N.Y.
life

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my late 60s and profoundly deaf. I also have a severe case of tinnitus, which is a
chronic ringing sensation in my ears. My case is unbelievable. The sounds might be compared to a bad
LSD trip without psychedelic visions. They sometimes last as long as four days.
Like most people, you will probably think I'm a nut case. I hear music or singing, or both -- the same
compositions over and over. Would you be good enough to consult one of your authorities to verify the
fact that I am not crazy? I believe that would be an otorhinolaryngologist. This small town does not
have such a specialist. Hoping you can help me ... HEARING THINGS
DEAR HEARING: Write to: The American Tinnitus Association, P.O. Box 5, Portland, Ore. 97207.
You will be referred to a specialist near you. Please enclose a long, self-addressed stamped envelope
(75 cents) and $1 to cover the cost of their printed materials. It's a pittance to pay for peace of mind.
life

This one's for everybody, from teens to seniors. To purchase Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of

Woman's Ire Focused On Men Who Can't See Past Glasses: Dear Abby For May 15, 1991

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Woman's Ire Focused on Men Who Can't See

by Abigail Van Buren

Dear Abby for May 15, 1991

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Dear Abby for May 15, 1991

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YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE AIDS CAN BE PASSED

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DEAR SELF-DEFENSE: You are absolutely right, beyond a shadow of a doubt!

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LOOKlNG FOR A PARADE

Can I be in your parade now? -- ROBERT L. HEATON, LAFAYETTE, CALIF.

Dear Abby for May 18, 1991

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Dear Abby for May 21, 1991

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Dear Abby for May 21, 1991

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Kids Who Are Read Aloud to Are as Rich as Rich Can Be

by Abigail Van Buren

"You may have tangible wealth untold;

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"Richer than I you can never be --

"I had a mother who read to me."

Dear Abby for May 20, 1991

Dear Abby for May 20, 1991

by Abigail Van Buren

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Here's your letter ... in loving memory of Fluffy.

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UNWANTED CATALOGS THREATEN TO SWAMP