eguero 1

Mlrlam eguero
rofessor Woods
8rlLlsh CulLure and SocleLy
19 !uly 2011
vlslLlng Cxford was an amazlng experlence for me l was looklng forward Lo seelng a classroom
or enLerlng one of Lhe LhlrLyelghL colleges on campus Unfortunate|y we were unab|e to do so |n our
tour and |t |eft me b||nd w|th a sense of d|sappo|ntment and an even greater apprec|at|on for the
pr|vacy of the |nfamous un|vers|ty Cxford Un|vers|ty |s an anc|ent |nst|tut|on of h|gher educat|on w|th
count|ess trad|t|ons and s|gn|f|cant h|story that create an unexp|a|nab|e cur|os|ty for those who have
not had the pr|v||ege of becom|ng a part of the schoo| Cne cerLaln LradlLlon LhaL caughL my aLLenLlon
was Lhe flnal exam aLLlre followed by Lhe carnaLlons worn as an lndlcaLor of whlch exam Lhe sLudenL ls
Laklng Llke Cxford 8rlLlsh culLure and socleLy ls surrounded by varlous blzarre LradlLlons undersLandlng
LradlLlon ln Cxford wlll undoubLedly achleve an undersLandlng of 8rlLlsh cusLoms and mores
I bigbligbted tbis red because you need a sentence in between tbat connects tbese
two. Tbe first balf of tbe intro deals witb tbe privacy and mystery of tbe university and I start
to tbink tbat's wbat tbe paper is about. But tben you quickly switcb over to traditions and
your tbesis about traditions. You bave to link tbe two parts of tbe intro.
@he hlsLory followlng academlc gowns ls a mysLery no one can dlscern lf lL was chlefly used as
ecclesiastical or in civilian dress @here are many plcLures and palnLlngs of slmllar gowns ln museums
and books LhaL allow a person Lo conslder Lhese gowns were used for clvlllan aLLlre ln Lhe presenL day
dlfferenL verslons of Lhls garb can be locaLed ln many unlverslLles LhroughouL Lhe world lncludlng
Cxford lL ls LhoughL LhaL academlc gowns orlglnaLed from Lhe dress of medleval scholars or churchmen
Crlglnally known as Lhe vestlmeotom cloosom or Lhe cappa clausa blshops deans and prlesLs were
obllged Lo wear Lhese gowns ln medleval Llmes lnfluenced by Lhe church of course Lhe cappa clausa
eguero 2

was soon adopLed as academlc aLLlre ln early Cxford (Cox noel) @hus Lhls LradlLlon was creaLed and
Loday sLlll exlsLs As early as Lhe fourLeenLh cenLury colleges prohlblLed Lhe 'excess ln apparel' and
ensured Lhe wearlng of a |ong gowns (I th|nk |t shou|d be "of a |ong gown" or "of |ong gowns") Llke
many anclenL LradlLlons Lhe academlc aLLlre ln Cxford has changed LhroughouL Llme @oday Cxford
sLudenLs are noL requlred Lo wear Lhese gowns also called sub fusc aL all Llmes buL excepL on speclflc
evenLs of lmporLance lor lnsLance aL Lhe end of Lhelr unlverslLy careers each sLudenL musL parLake ln a
gruellng exam process and durlng Lhls process Lhey are requlred by Lhe unlverslLy Lo wear Lhelr
academlc regalla
or tbe previous paragrapb, I tbink you need a stronger topic sentence. In tbis
paragrapb you trace tbe bistory of tbe dress and tben you talk about its use in modern life.
You topic sentence sbould state tbat. Rigbt now it basically makes it seem like tbe entire
paragrapb will be about bistory.
@he LradlLlon of examlnaLlon carnaLlons ls one of Cxford's newesL LradlLlons An explanaLlon
abouL Lhls Cxford LradlLlon ls raLher obscure uurlng examlnaLlons sLudenLs wear carnaLlons LhaL
lndlcaLe whlch exam Lhey are Laklng Accordlng Lo an onllne source Lhe whlLe carnaLlon (wlLh your sub
fusc) ls worn on Lhe flrsL day of exams Lhe plnk ls worn for Lhe exams ln beLween Lhe flrsL and lasL and
Lhe red carnaLlon ls worn on Lhe very lasL exam (Why sLudenLs aL Cxford unlverslLy wear carnaLlons Lo
exams) ln addlLlon as an elemenL of Lhe LradlLlon Lhe only way Lo obLaln a carnaLlon ls by recelvlng one
from anoLher sLudenL ln oLher words as an Cxford undergraduaLe you cannoL purchase your own
carnaLlon ln a way lL ls an lnLeresLlng LradlLlon because sLudenLs can look around and see how far a
colleague ls ln Lhelr examlnaLlon process Moreover LradlLlons are bullL Lo brlng people LogeLher and
Lhe glvlng and recelvlng of Lhese carnaLlons appear Lo do LhaL for many of Lhe Cxford sLudenLs Lven
Lhough Lhe hlsLory behlnd Lhls cusLom ls unclear Lhe LradlLlon llves on and provldes Cxford sLudenLs
wlLh an even greaLer glfL Lhe sense of communlLy durlng Lough assessmenLs
eguero 3

Tbe last paragrapb was well written.
Selzlng LradlLlon ls Lhe one Lhlng LhaL seLs Cxford aparL unllke Cxford Cambrldge has rld of
Lhelr many LradlLlons such as Lhe academlc aLLlre AlLhough Lhese cusLoms may noL always make sense
lL ls whaL makes Cxford such a unlque place earn|ng about trad|t|on and |ts |mportance has a||owed
an understand|ng of the many 8r|t|sh trad|t|ons I prev|ous|y d|d not comprehend @hls senLence seems
rushed you canL [usL say has allowed me an undersLandlng of Lhe many brlLlsh LradlLlons" wlLhouL
menLlonlng how or whaL oLher LradlLlons ||nk these 2 sentences better@radlLlons provlde a sense of
ldenLlLy and unlqueness Lo culLure and socleLy WlLhouL lL Lhere ls noLhlng speclal or dlfferenL abouL Lhe
socleLy you llve ln CranLlng a sense of belonglng undersLandlng and emoLlon LradlLlon relnvenLs lLself
Lhrough Llme Lhls ls a good closlng senLence you should Lle ln your example of Lhe carnaLlons wlLh lL
so LhaL lL flows and sums lL up even beLLer

eguero 4

Works ClLed
Cox noel ChapLer 2 Medleval LducaLlon" coJemlcol utess lo New 2eolooJ n pag
wwwocoJemlcoppotelcom np nd Web 17 !uly 2011
Why do sLudenLs aL Cxford unlverslLy wear carnaLlons Lo exams?" metoflltetcom np nd Web 17
!uly 2011