Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip. Vol.

2, Issue 1 September 2, 2009

Freshmans Real Life Friend Requests Still Pending
By Satchmo Dirk Jenkins
ROSSE HALL Despite a busy frst week of
non-stop introductions and social canoodling,
local freshman Jimmy Bacharach `13 is still
awaiting numerous confrmations of his real-
life friend requests. Bacharach, whose 'in real
life profle picture is a goofy, pimply face
grinning behind scraggly black hair, was busy
as a bee friend-requesting left and right at Real
World: Gambier last week.
While browsing other freshmen`s profles
(having set the search flter to strictly female),
Bacharach was perplexed when he came across
fellow classmate Cindy McKinsey `13. He said,
'I found myself physically unable to move my
eyes away from McKinsey`s face. Bacharach
asked around to see if anyone else knew this
elusive girl. A couple students who had reluc-
tantly accepted his friend requests ('I can`t just
say no. . . ) said they were friends with her, but
they absolutely couldn`t tell Bacharach any-
thing about her. 'You`re going to have to friend
her yourself.
McKinsey had a limited profle - Bacha-
rach was forced to add her as a friend before
he could engage in anything other than small
talk. Bacharach`s fngers nervously shook as
he clicked 'add as a friend in real life by ap-
proaching McKinsey and letting her know he
existed. McKinsey acknowledged Bacharach`s
presence, but did not click 'accept. She only
stared at Bacharach as he yammered away
about how his favorite book was 'like the
whole Harry Potter series and his interests in-
cluded 'things that are interesting, haha! She
decided to let his friend request hang in limbo
as she sized him up.
Even though he has extended an invitation
of friendship, Bacharach will still not be able to
look at any other part of McKinsey`s body un-
til she accepts his pending friend request. That
goes for the two dozen other real-life friend re-
quests that are still pending for the freshman.
Bacharach is also barred from learning any-
thing about McKinley`s interests, including her
favorite movies and books, until she confrms
that they are indeed offcial friends. He will
have to wait and simply stare at her face until
she decides to click 'confrm in real life.
Upon leaving Rosse after the encounter,
Bacharach stumbled upon classmate Betsy
Landers `13, who had accepted his real life
friend request. He walked up to her and jabbed
his fnger into her navel shouting 'poke! Fol-
lowing the event, Bacharach said, "I hope she
surprises me with a poke back!"
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
ORINETATION PACKET: DONT BE A BITCH
ONE ARMED FRESHMAN NOT INCLUDED IN TEN FINGERS
ROOMMATE HAD MORE REWARDING SUMMER THAN YOU
ECON PROFESSOR LOOPS C.R.E.A.M FOR 50 MINUTES
Students Return From
Abroad Changed; Xenophobic
By Skeeter Demiglace
SEITZ HOUSE After spending their spring
semesters in Freetown, Sierra Leone, Jennifer
Steen 10 and Tom Humboldt 10 claim they
are changed people. The tiny nation of six mil-
lion people on Africas east coast, once a seeth-
ing nest of factional violence, is still a seething
nest of factional violence.
These poor people, said Steen, an anthro-
pology major from New York City. I dont
understand how they can live their lives with-
out essentials. She added, No AC! No mani-
cures! No spoons! They ate with their hands!
Humbodlt, a history major from El Paso,
Texas, accompanied Steen on her abroad ad-
venture. It was really nice to step out of my
(Continued on Page 2)
By Dingo Rockefeller
ROSSE HALL - A time-honored Kenyon tra-
dition was marred last week when it was dis-
covered that the recitation against plagiarism
delivered annually to the incoming freshman
class had been copied, word-for-word, from
the Internet. The speech, delivered with char-
acteristic furor by Writer-in-Residence P. F.
Kluge, has been revealed to be identical in
word choice, formatting, and font to a speech
given by Bowdoin College`s Dean of Academ-
ic Advising Lawrence Adler in 2004.
When asked for comment, Kluge admitted,
'I know I probably shouldn`t have ripped off
someone else`s work, but come on. It was two
in the morning the night before it was due, I
hadn`t slept in like a week and I had totally
run out of ideas. Then the ribbon broke on my
typewriter . . . I mean, it`s not like it hurt any-
body.
Kluge added, 'I was totally going to put in
some footnotes but I just forgot.
The professor`s indiscretion was brought
to light by freshman Ken Appleton `13, who
had attended his sister Rebecca`s orientation
at Bowdoin fve years ago. 'I remember hear-
ing Professor Kluge saying, If you`re caught
plagiarizing, your belly will be split open and
your entrails feasted upon by starving hounds
as you watch, helpless, drowned in such excru-
ciating pain that every scream will be a plea
for the sweet mercy of death,` and thinking,
Hey, this sounds kind of familiar.` Appleton
added, 'I searched starving hounds` + sweet
mercy of death` on Google and the full text of
the Bowdoin speech was the frst hit.
Appleton was not the only student who had
some reservations about the speech`s authen-
ticity. 'When [Kluge] kept making references
to the Hawthorne-Longfellow Library and the
best lobster you`ve ever tasted,` I got a little
suspicious, noted Linda Barry-Johnston `13.
'But the real tip-off was when he closed his
speech with, Go Polar Bears!`
Kluge stressed his contrition and promised
he`d never make such a embarassing mistake
again. 'I sure have learned my lesson, he said.
'Next time I`ll avoid plagiarism by returning
to what I`ve done every year: fnding someone
else`s writing online and slightly changing the
words and syntax to make it my own.
Speech On Plagiarism Copied Verbatim From The Internet
Jimmy Bacharach awaiting approval.
Wiggin Street Hoodlums Looking To Get Pretty Serious This Year
By Granny Hayes
WIGGIN STREET ELEMENTARY Lo-
cal Wiggin Street Elementary Hoodlums Jim-
my McNally and Sam Fishman are interested
in taking their boyish schoolyard pranks out of
the schoolyard this coming year.
The third-graders began receiving accolades
from district bullies last year after Jimmy inten-
tionally spread cooties to all the second-grade
girls and one teacher in the school system.
The coot was everywhere, McNally said. I
had people thinking it was airborne.
McNallys current partner, Sam Fishman,
has been dubbed One Trick by the Pleasant
Street Elementary RuIfans. 'He`s a one-trick
pony, explained nine-year-old RuIfan Spuds
DeCarlo. Sam takes kids lunches, keeps the
pudding and tosses the rest. Everyone knows
O. T.s got a thing for dairy-based desserts.
Last year, in his only deviation from the
lunchtime charade, Sam told Mrs. Janson to
shut her trap after she tried to explain to Fish-
man that he shouldnt have rubbed his hands
in pudding and stuck them in the gerbil cage
because of course he was going to get bitten.
When asked for comment, he growled, ran
into the bathroom, defecated in the urinal, and
then sprinted into oncoming traIfc.
Sam lashes out because his mom just had
a baby, commented McNally. He wants at-
tention its a case of sexual difference. It all
goes back to Freud, really.
McNally added: Im tired of these play-
ground shenanigans. Anyone can pull off a
brown-bag heist. Im looking to expand.
This past summer, he continued, I started
synthesizing explosive materials, hoping to
create the perfect exothermic chemical reac-
tion. All my supplies are stored in the Miller
Observatory. By Christmas Im going to give
this town a little shakedown.
McNally zipped closed his Transformers
backpack. Under his breath, he whispered,
Third grade is way better than second grade,
and walked home for dinner.
Wiggin Street Hoodlums looking ferce.
(From Abroad: Page 1)
By Beauregard Beauregard
LEWIS HALL Simmering resentments
came to a head this past week in a disagreement
between residents, including Harvey Waters
'13, over how to spend their Thursday evening.
Most of those involved in the dispute supported
Waters proposal to bust out the Scrabble, but
a vocal minority led by Matt Tupelo 13 dis-
missed the suggestion out of hand in favor of
the lesser-known Bananagrams, spewing in-
sults and derision at the majority party.
Immediately prior to the incident, Twitter
user Scrabbleisaboredgame tweeted numerous
times from the freshman residence hall about
heightened awkwardness in the region. Soon
after riots broke out around midnight he or she
posted, @BananaDoctor We are taking to the
streets #social upheaval. Hard-liners from
both sides rejected the attempts of resident
community advisors (a.k.a. CAs) to moderate
the situation on the basis that acronyms dont
count.
In a statement to the press the following day,
Tupelo declared, Bananagrams is a fast-paced
mind-bender that gets your blood pumping and
explores new realms of what a word game can
be. Scrabble is for old people. Waters later
responded, Bananagrams? More like Banana-
gay.
A summit is scheduled for next weekend,
while a paramilitary splinter group calling
themselves The Peoples Saturday Night Lib-
eration Front is rumored to have gathered out-
side the Village Market to ask 21-year-olds to
buy them alcohol.
comfort zone, he said. American history is
my area of expertise, so living with people who
resemble and behave like the primitive beings
brought to the New World was enlightening.
It really was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Both Mr. Humbolt and Steen plan on con-
tinuing their ventures to foreign countries.
Cambodia is next! Steen said. The Middle
East is such an interesting area right now.
Tensions Build In Lewis Over Scrabble-Bananagrams Divide
H1N1 Attacks Kenyon; Nuge Has Favorites All Squared Away
By Gurl Wulf
CROMWELL COTTAGE - Kenyon Col-
lege President S. Georgia Nugent announced
earlier this week that the H1N1 virus, com-
monly known as 'swine fu, has already bro-
ken out around campus. Nugent claimed to
have assembled a team of Kenyon offcials
to inform the student body about the fu and
is working with the Health Center to decide
upon the appropriate preventative measures.
So far, she says, 'We`re running an if you`ve
got it, don`t faunt it` campaign. If you start
feeling H1N1-y, stay in your room. We`ll get
food and medicine to you.
To that end, teams of burly, be-fanneled
men have been seen around campus weilding
saws and practice trays. Working with the ef-
fciency that only such a sense of doom can
inspire, one man saws a tray-sized rectangle
in the door of every dorm room on campus
and another slaps a doggie-door style fap over
the top. So far, Nugent says, 'They`ve made
the slots for everyone applying to Teach for
America or for Fulbright scholarships, and
are moving on to the swimmers and all-around
good eggs next. We`ll see how far they get be-
fore this thing breaks.
She adds that freshmen are at the bottom of
the list, and the Health Center has been hand-
ing out anti-viral masks 'like there`s no tomor-
row.
The Health Center has also announced that
they will try to acquire the H1N1 vaccine
when it comes out later this fall, but adds a
caveat: there simply will not be enough for
everyone. 'We`re working on plans for a lit-
tle Battle Royale to see who gets the goods,
Nurse Practioner Kim Cullers explains. Some
students, namely the weakest and most feeble,
have begun daily KAC sessions to bulk up for
the event.
Still, not everyone is concerned. Igor Sparks
`13 said, 'I had to wear bubble wrap all through
high school because my parents thought I was
at risk for sharp objects falling on me, so this
is pretty relaxed, really. I even decorated my
mask. I`m really into spiders, so I painted a
sweet web onto my mask so now I'm swallow-
ing Charlotte and her children. Badass.
ENGLISH CLASSES
OFFERED IN FALL
GOLF PROSE & TENNIS HOES
SCANDANAVIAN DIATRIBES
DESERTS &DESSERTS
LITERATURE OF THE NEBRASKAN
DIASPORA
YOU SAY POTATO I SAY METAPHYSI-
CAL IRRATIONALITIES IN 16TH CEN-
TURY IRELAND
INTRO TO TWITTERING
PHALLUSES & FALLACIES
DEBUTANTES, DINOSAURS, AND DE-
LIRIUM: THREE UNRELATED THINGS IN
MODERN LITERATURE
FXOOO OBOK: LITERATURE OF THE
AMERICAN ILLITERATE
2
By Eegull Eggelstein
A disappointed Angus Carnegie 13 was left
in an empty room on Monday night after play-
ing the entire guitar solo to Eruption by Van
Halen without missing a note. Carnegie had
spent his entire summer working on the solo
section, arduously practicing the hammer-ons
and pull-offs all while maintaining his hard-
on in the hopes he would wow both his new
college friends and the cute girls living down
the hall. His attempt was thwarted when not
a single person ventured down the hall to see
him. I cant believe no one came to see me
play. I was shredding notes like the SlapChop
shreds vegetables.
I originally got the idea when I was play-
ing Guitar Hero the night of my high school
graduation, said Carnegie. The rock stars
in the video game get all of the groupies. If
I worked hard enough at guitar, I knew that I
would have eight girls trailing me everywhere
I went in Gambier even the bathroom, and
defnitely the shower.
This was not the case. Hallmate Jenny
Bishop 13 said disgustedly, Cant he play
that shit somewhere else? I dont know who
he was hoping to impress with that. Every-
one knows that girls would rather hear Ani
DiFranco or Corinne Bailey Rae. I would
never choose to listen to the Jethro Skynyrd
Experience, or whatever he was playing, and
hes certainly not unhooking my bra later to-
night.
Carnegie, a classically trained guitarist,
prefers neoclassical shred to Eddie Van Halen.
Neoclassical shred is where you take classi-
cal music, turn the distortion up, and play it as
fast as possible. It works the best with Tchai-
kovsky and Rimsky-Korsokov, but I actually
prefer Rachmaninoff. Despite this possible
shredding, Carnegie chose Van Halen and
Metallica because he was confdent it would
win girls over. Just like my favorite band
Rush says, I wanted to get girls Closer to the
Heart, and then make some Mystic Rhythm
in my twin bed.
Bishop was later seen entering room 118
where two freshman were singing a drunken,
off-key rendition of Enter Sandman.
McBride Guitar God Nails Solo
That Perspective
SHIT, THE ONE GIRL I ACTUALLY KEPT
IN TOUCH WITH THIS SUMMER GOT FAT

By That Guy
Oh, uh, hey there. Yeah, it`s, uh, good to
see you, too, I guess. You look . . . different.
I would ask how your summer went, but I al-
ready know. After all, you were the one girl
I actually kept in touch with this summer in
hopes of sexually capitalizing on it the frst
weekend back at school. But then you had
to go ahead and ruin that by getting fat, now
didn`t you?
Sorry, no hugs for me. Yeah, I`ll just give
you a limp, disgusted handshake. With all
this Swine Flu going around you can never
be too careful. Oh, and you also have a huge
glob of cream cheese running down your
extra-stretchy blouse.
Now don`t take this the wrong way, but
what the hell happened? When you were
giving me eyes in English last spring you
were looking totally ft, and now you`re just
- did you just put peanut butter on that hot
dog? You did. Wow. You must have failed
to mention that habit when we talked on the
phone back in June, when I thought I was
still talking to that babe who was into yoga
and pilates and all that other healthy hippie
shit.
You must have eaten that girl.
No, please, by all means, continue to driz-
zle chocolate sauce on that large cinna-stick.
It`s not like I G-chatted you for three hours
in July about the death of your labradoodle
only to just now discover your hands are
too pudgy to perform any type of pleasuring
on my sex-deprived member. Of course I`ll
pass the marshmallow sauce.
You are so selfsh. If I`d known you`d
barely be able to slip those sweatpants over
your newly forged fupa. I would have never
left 'yoooo gurl, ready 2 b back in da Bier?
on your Facebook wall last week. Now that
I think of it, you were the one that never
wanted to Skype, weren`t you? God, you
are unbelievable. Put down that pudding, or
you can totally forget me getting obscenely
drunk and then throwing up on my dresser
after I ask you to come home with me.
DESPITE OPEN DOORS, PANTIES UNDROPPED
By Diesel Jackson
An unfamiliar silence permeated the west
end of the Morgan Apartments, formerly re-
ferred to as 'The Milk Cartons, last Saturday
night. In lieu of thunderous shouts, only deli-
cate murmurs [were heard]; instead of roaring
music, only heavy sighs. In the silence nearly
every member of the Psi Upsilon fraternity
stood outside apartment #10 in a candlelight
vigil mourning the loss of their weekend
domain.
The Morgan Apartments are no longer off-
campus buildings. They were bought by the
school at the end of the school year for reno-
vation and for the employment of assigned
residential housing. In this way the long-line
of Psi U members occupying apartment #10
has been abruptly broken. 'Fuckin' why?,
asked senior and fourth-year Psi U member
Luke Bhroheim `13 regarding the College`s
new purchase, as a lone tear trickled down his
cheek.
'I mean, it`s tragedy, dude, said Bhro-
heim. 'Tragedy, tragedy, tragedy. Like Shake-
speare could write about this shit.
In a demonstration of mourning the
members of the vigil lowered themselves to
one knee and held their candles high above
their heads. One member, Anthony Lacks,
placed his candle on the grass and grabbed
an acoustic guitar from behind his feet. The
group then began to nod their heads in unison
as Lacks stood and began playing a rendition
of AC/DC`s 'Thunderstruck.
'The audacity, Bhroheim muttered under
his breath, 'I just can`t -
Bhroheim turned to watch with the other
members as three girls ran down the dirt path
leading to Apartment #10 from Acland Street.
'Oh, wow, one said with surprise upon see-
ing the vigil. 'We`re sorry. We heard music
and . . . Yeah, sorry. As they turned to hurry
back up the path another added, 'Awkward.
Bhroheim broke into tears.
"Dude. I don't know if I can handle this
year without #10," said sophomore Tim Dev-
ich. "It's gonna be long and hard."
"Th- that- that's what she said," added
Lacks between sobs. "Too soon, bro," cried
Devich, burying his head in his hands. "Too
soon!"
Shortly afterwards the group rose to their
feet and exchanged hugs. 'Yo, a member
shouted, 'party on D-block! The group
moved up the hill onto Acland Street togeth-
er, leaving only boot prints in the damp lawn.

Psi Us Hold Candlelight Vigil For Loss Of Milk Carton #10
Real Fratty 3
Jumbo Lump . . . . . . . . Skeeter Demiglace
2% . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Diesel Jackson
Dish Return . . . . . . . . Luther Honeybucket
Ham Loaf . . . . . . . . . . . . . Charlie Adams
Vanilla Swirl . . . . . . Beauregard Beauregard
Bananas Foster . . . . . . . Eegull Eggelstein
Shrimp Scampi . . . . . . . . . . Granny Hayes
The Hearth . . . . . . . Satchmo Dirk Jerkins
Ranch Vinaigrette . . . . . . Esteban Sinclaire
Salt Crust . . . . . . . Dingo Rockefeller
Crab Salad . . . . . . . . . . Jean Shortz
Arnold Palmer . . . . . . . . . Ed Strictly
Pear Bucket . . . . . . . . . . Gurl Wulf
Easy Mac . . . . . . . . Sheridan Whiteside
Spicy Dijon . . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000
Consultant . . . . . . . . The Sandwich Bar
Editorial Assistants . . . Heirloom Tomato, Beef
Bradley, Oscar Meyer, Ethan Bagel, Extra Jelly,
Mr. Potatohead , Leah Lox, Lucy Goosy, Peter
Pepperoni, Jamn Rye, P.B. Jay, Eggs Benedict,
Patty Hamburger, Whole Weet, Boyish MuIfn,

Interns . . . . . Red Blaster, Mountain Crash,
Fizzy Drank, Crystal Edge, Thunder Daisy, Hur-
ricane Juice, Desert Quencher, Aqua Slap, Or-
ange Oxide, Grape Goliath, Moonshine De-
struction, G-Force Xtreme, Thunderbolt Freeze
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . . . . Louis Fran-
cis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Col-
legiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
COLLEGIATE STAFF
By Charlie Adams
BENSON BOWL - On a warm summer
evening this past August, as the sun set behind
the trees and a hollow north wind blew, Ken-
yon College`s Ernst gymnasium left town for
good. Following the completion of the KAC,
the storied building had fallen mostly into
disuse. Nevertheless, the sudden and unan-
nounced departure came as a shock to many
Kenyon students.
'[Ernst] was here one minute, and then, just,
gone, remarked Kelly Li `11. 'It`s been hard
on us all. But I guess, in a way, it knew its work
here was done. Like, if you love something, let
it go?
College records uncovered by the Collegiate
suggest that the building's arrival was perhaps
as abrupt as its departure. An eyewitness report
from the archives dates to Sendoff 1871 where
Giuseppe Verde headlined, when, in the midst
of a heatstroke outbreak, the squat gymnasium
'appeared on campus stocked, as if by magic,
with gallons and gallons of fresh, cool water.
Since then, Ernst has apparently played a
key role in several defning moments in Ke-
nyon history. Its swimming pools - since
long abandoned - played host to the very frst
Kenyon swimming match. Likewise, notable
alumni Paul Newman and Alison Janney both
staged their frst successful productions there.
Ernst also hosted the great squirrel-drowning
of 1975 and the frst student-grandfather life-
jacket waterpolo game.
'In the crash of 1916, when the heat went
out in the dead of winter, recalled college his-
torian Strom Tamp, 'all the students huddled
Kenyon Bids Farewell To Ernst Gymnasium
By Ole Luther Honeybucket
GAMBIER Last week, Kenyon wel-
comed a new class of nearly 470 students who
bring the College more diversity than ever
before - in their origin as Homo sapiens as
well as in their history of violence and love
for pancakes.
Physically so-so and majority home-
schooled, the 469 members of the Class of
2013 (pending survival of the Mayan Dooms-
day) were selected from a pool of 3,992 ap-
plicants (3,500 of whom chose not to come
here). Students who rate Nerds as a top-
three candy make up 19 percent of the class
- the highest percentage in Kenyon's history
- while 11 percent of the class is made up
of frst-generation meatloaf and Meat Loaf en-
thusiasts.
'This class is not only awkward, says
Director of Admissions Darryl Uy, 'they are
Anakin Skywalker-rat-tail awkward.
Members of the class include 13 submarine
captains and 34 rabbits. The remaining mem-
bers represent such demographics as felon,
Bro, Suburbanite, Wiccan, and indoor kid.
Six percent of the frst-year students have
grown up or lived with wolves and or gorillas
- in other words, they are feral.
Academic indicators for this class are high:
15 percent of the class can put together a Lego
spaceship with minimal help. In addition,
32 percent of the incoming class had a high-
school crush they never mustered up the cour-
age to talk to.
Beyond the numbers and the fact that 80%
of the new students reported being leashed as
a child, the Class of 2013 brings a multitude
of experiences, strengths, and passions to the
Kenyon community. Members include:
One student who paid her way through
boarding school by stripping
One student who wrote about "Pube
Dreads" in his Common App essay.
Another one who is rumored to have killed
between eight and 15 people
The inventor of Velcro
A student who has the ability to transcend
space and time
A student who has not been heard from
since her trip near the Afghan/Pakistan border
One who interned as a truck driver/arm
wrestler and inspired the movie Over the Top
The Kenyon community eagerly looks for-
ward to the further development of their pre-
frontal cortex.
By Ed Strictly
If were being honest here and thats my
thing you have no real grasp of the intrica-
cies of your own soul. So let me lay it out for
you. If you are like I once was, youre inex-
plicably happy to be back at Kenyon. Inexpli-
cable because soon youll start to realize that
youre not that special. Inexplicable because
theres no joy to be found, even here, in the
happiest little corner of the happiest little state.
Inexplicable because soon youll start walk-
ing to class and seeing people who you do not
want to see. You will not know how to greet
them, and if youre like me, your anxiety will
build until you end up dry-heaving in front of
that statue of the boy and girl who, even if you
squished them together, are skinnier than you.
Inexplicable because youll soon realize that
you probably have herpes, even though the
only person you kissed here was your friend
Hank, and it was a joke, and you were only
doing it because two girls said they would if
you did . . . and they didnt
So thats why youre an idiot. Because
youre very sad and you just dont realize it.
Im 21 years old. Right now, theres a very
slow squirrel outside my window, crawling
around in some rabies-induced torpor. And
Im wasting my life.
Soon, Ill graduate. Ill galumph out into a
world that would like to see me fail. Youre
going to fail, too. Youll spend four years
here being horny and self-conscious. Youll
think youre funny because your friends do.
And then youll go out into the world. None
of us know what exactly that means, but if
its anything like what my older brother Ben
experienced, youll eat a lot of Wendys and
convince yourself that youre passionate about
your job where youre not quite a real es-
tate agent, or even on a frst-name basis with
any real estate agents, but when people call
your company, you tell them the phone num-
bers of local real estate agents, and compare
prices, and also put them in touch with Mike
Crockett, a home repair man. Then youll go
home, talk to your fridge, stub your toe on
the ottoman, shout shit, be surprised by the
sound of your own voice, and go to sleep, too
lonely to cry.
So leave. Go spear fsh. Do anything. Per-
sonally, I`m fnishing out my time here be-
cause Im a coward, and I would never dare
utter these sentiments to anyone. I mean, Im
a tour guide. The Collegiate is probably go-
ing to cut this whole article. I was supposed
to write about all the great nature trails around
campus. But theyll cut it, because they cant
stand to hear the truth. Yes, thats right. Even
this bastion of higher journalism is staffed
by sad, vindictive bastards. Hows that for a
wake-up call. All of your heroes poop. Have
a great year.
Incidentally, you should really come out for
my club The Welders. Its great fun, and
Im always looking to make friends.
into Ernst, and that little gym kept those kids
warm until the spring thaw. Saved their lives,
it did.
Even now, Kenyon students are fnding
it diffcult to deal with the loss of a gymna-
sium that touched so many lives. Many have
offered testimonials to the generosity and
warmth that defned Ernst.
'I like to think that Ernst headed out west,
where it`s warmer, offered Steven Seltzer
`10. 'Maybe tomorrow morning, some poor
college somewhere will wake up with a new
gym/cafeteria - just when they need it most.
Welcome Back
To Kenyon, Idiots
New Class, Diverse Talents
4