(the office)

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70.GQ.c O m .J U L .07

Why is it that the thing most likely to get you promoted in the corporate world is not intelligence or groundbreaking work but safe, uninspired, butt-kissing mediocrity? by Cecil Donahue
ted pokes his head into my oce and asks, You hear the latest? I stare at him blankly, so he slips in, closing the door behind him. Johnsons getting promoted to exec VP. Yeah, I say, right. Teds pretty plugged-in, but even so, half of his intel inevitably proves to be crap. Johnson? Promoted? The guys a dolt. His continued employment borders on corporate

the 7 habits of undeservedly successful people

T H O M A S S C H M I DT/G E T T Y I M AG E S

1. Be a schmoozer.
These guys tend to be world-class gladhanders and inexhaustible small-talkers. (At any given oce party, you will, without exception, nd the slick, smiling Upfailer tightly barnacled to the big bosss arse.) A fteen-minute chat with him may leave you with a vague sense of a pleasant personality, but the next day youre likely to have trouble recalling a single word of the conversation.

2. Be faithful to your master.

The key is managing up. Hey, waste all the time you want on actual problem solving, you poor deluded drone: The

Names and identifying details have been changed.

hOW tO succeeD iN BusiNess (WhiLe FAiLiNG MiseRABLy)

Five OF OuR FAvORite up-FAiLeRs. LOOk At theiR tRAiL OF DestRuctiON. LeARN FROM theM

ORLANDO BLOOM R s u m Warmonger in

ALBeRtO GONZALes R s u m Texas secretary of

BiLL GAtes R s u m Filthy-rich

pAuL WOLFOWitZ R s u m Ambassador to

JeFF ZuckeR R s u m The guy holding

costume flicks The Lord of the Rings and Kingdom of Heaven

shoulD have been fiReD

state, Texas Supreme Court judge, and White House general counsel
shoulD have been fiReD

When he proved that hes much more believable as an elf in Middle Earth than as a human in Troy. i n s t e a D Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End. (Banked a reported $11.9 million for the sequels.) W at e R C o o l e R ta l k Hes like Leif Garrett to me. If somebody says, Who do you want in this part? his name never crosses my mind. Anonymous studio exec to Newsweek

In 2002, after drafting the infamous torture memo proposing that Geneva Convention III be waived for enemies in the war on terror. i n s t e a D Promoted to attorney general; fired attorneys who werent loyal Bushies; lied about his role in the firings; is still called honorable by the boss.
W at e R C o o l e R ta l k

Microsoft creator who monopolizes your life by making it virtually impossible to disable Explorer from your Mac
shoulD have been fiReD

Indonesia, undersecretary for defense policy, and deputy secretary of defense

shoulD have been fiReD

On November 14, 2006, the release date of the Zune. i n s t e a D Launched Vista while thumbing his billions.
W at e R C o o l e R ta l k

Phenomenal, unbelievable, fantastic.Bill Gates, on the success of the iPod

[He] ought to suffer the consequences that these others have suffered. The best way to put this behind us is [his] resignation. Senator Tom Coburn

After claiming there was incontrovertible evidence that Saddam had WMD, insisting U.S. troops would be greeted as liberators, exaggerating the Iraq Al Qaeda connection, etc. i n s t e a D Became president of the World Bank, where helping feed Africa involved giving his girlfriend a salary bigger than Condis.
W at e R C o o l e R ta l k

the clipboard at the Today show, then executive producer of the Today show, then president of NBC Entertainment
shoulD have been fiReD

Right around the time he green-lighted Joey. i n s t e a D After riding the peacock from first to fourth place in ratings, got bumped to top spot as president and CEO of NBC Universal.
W at e R C o o l e R ta l k

Wolfowitzs tenure [was] marked by some of the [same] failures as his term managing the war in Iraq: cronyism and rhetoric.John Edwards

Cause Im retired. Jack Welch, former CEO of NBC parent company, GE, when asked why Zucker is still employed
Raha naDDaf

76.GQ.c O m .J U L .07

F R O M L E F T: J E F F R E Y M AY E R / W I R E I M AG E ; A L E X W O N G /G E T T Y I M AG E S ; C H I N A P H OTO S /G E T T Y I M AG E S ; C H R I S T Y B O W E /G LO B E P H OTO S ; B A R R Y TA L E S N I C K /G LO B E P H OTO S

malfeasance. Yet the boss likes him. And why wouldnt he? Johnsons the consummate yes-man. I got it from Alex, he says. Alex is our COO, so the informations probably solid. Just then, bing! A fresh e-mail from our CEO, subject line: Good News! The e-mail begins, I am pleased to announce the promotion of Anthony Johnson, who has contributed more to the success of our company Jesus Christ, I say. You believe that? The guy doesnt do dick. Complete waste of space. We spend the next twenty minutes engaged in a detailed dissection of the lameness of one Anthony Johnson, our newest executive vice president. His propensity for calling interminable meetings for projects that never come to fruition. His astonishing ability to delegate work while retaining all credit. His mastery of the art of appearing to be a tireless workhorse while actually producing almost nothing of value at all. His complete uency in state-of-the-art jargon. His obsession with luxury brands and his maddening inability to speak for more than thirty seconds without steering the conversation toward the mechanics of the perfect

chip shot. Its not that we hate the guy or anything. Honestly, theres not much there to hate. Hes not a toxic presence. The thing is, hes hardly a presence at all. He might not be the last guy youd pick for your team, but hed never be the rst. Dudes the Eighth Wonder of the World, Ted says on his way out the door. The corporate world is full of amazing typesthe visionary, the genius, the workaholic, the wunderkind, the whiner, the troubleshooter. But you dont have to spend much time working in any oce to realize that no one is more perplexingor vexingthan the con artist who never fails to fail upward. Other people work harder. Other people work smarter. Other people produce more. Other people display a greater command of their areas of responsibility. This guy seems to have only one peculiar talenta talent for getting himself promoted. Every workplace, it seems, has one, and famous examples abound. Im not talking about late bloomers like Michael Jordan, once cut from his high school basketball team, or cases of inconsistent development like Winston Churchill, who barely passed his college entrance exam. Im not talking about guys like Kurt Warner and Rodney Dangereld, who persevered through a series of early disappointments until their talent nally intersected with the right

opportunity. No, Im talking about people who actually seem to thrive on mediocrity, riding waves of blandness like Laird Hamilton at Teahupoo: your Clarence Thomases, your Uwe Bolls, your George W. Bushes, Jos Limas, and K-Feds. How do these guys do it? How do they manage to transform utter mediocrity into such powerful assets? Having worked in a variety of organizations for more than twenty yearssmall companies and large, nonprot and corporateIve studied the behavior of people who manage to fail up and have come to the conclusion that they tend to have a number of habits in common. Seven, to be exact:

(the office)

When it comes to life in the cube farms, never underestimate the value of plodding dependability, a bright smile, and a nicely pressed shirt.
only real problem is an unhappy boss, so climbers tend to focus their energy on bucking him up with platitudes, false promises, and elaborate PowerPoint presentations. They spot the void and then rush in to ll it. their own genius. So Mickey McBland makes the perfect deputy. Its like Woody Allen once said: 80 percent of success is showing up. So how do you deal with these characters? Be prepared to pick up some slack and sit through a good number of unnecessary meetings. Avoiding contact may not be too dicult, as this suck-up typically spends most of his time tagging along with the higher-ups or chasing the boss. And if you happen to nd yourself parked underneath one of these folks and youre not opposed to hard work, you may actually nd this presents opportunities to take on additional responsibility. Just make sure to cc other parties on your e-mails so that the walking, talking mediocrity youre reporting to cant take all the credit for your successes. The biggest challenge you may face in dealing with the corporate climber is dealing with your own contempt for his success. The bitterness these guys provoke can be corrosive. Years ago, not long after Id begun my rst job in New York, I was annoyed by the rapid ascent of a former college classmate despite his lack of what I considered to be any real talent. He was an empty suit, a pretentious fop, and an ass-kisser; I found it galling that hed been promoted into boldfaced prominence. I complained about this to a friend who was older and had already been working in the city for almost two decades. His response surprised me. He told me to shut the fuck up, to quit whining. He warned me not to fall into the trap of comparing myself with other people and suggested I was clinging to naive notions of talent and ability. I had contempt for anything other than those attributes Id always assumed were the ingredients to any rocket-propelled careerbrilliant analysis, creativity, insight, charismatic leadership. When it comes to life in the cube farms, he told me, never underestimate the value of plodding dependability, a bright smile, and a nicely pressed shirt. And most important, dont ever begrudge other people their success. Its not just bad karma; in cutthroat corporate environmentsmagnets for ambitious climbersits guaranteed to lead to frustration and just might lead to your own early demise: death by choking on your own envy. cecil donahue works at a major American media company.
JUL .07.GQ.c Om.7 7

3. DoDge Disaster.
Once hes maneuvered himself into a position with sucient upward mobility, the corporate opportunist displays an uncanny knack for avoiding complex, high-risk, labor-intensive assignments. While most workers want to be challenged and grow, this type just wants to get promoted. He tends to delegateand scapegoat. Limiting challenges means more free time to suck up to the boss. By minimizing risk, he avoids mistakes. And by avoiding mistakes, he stays o the shit list.

4. fake it till you make it

or just keep faking it! Think Ted Knight in Caddyshack: These guys are true bullshit artists. They know what success looks like and are masters at creating the illusion of competence without necessarily possessing an abundance of it.

5. think when/when.
They are single-minded and completely obsessed with grabbing that next rung on the ladder, and their proximity to power allows them to calibrate opportunities and time their moves with unerring precision.

6. accessorize.
These folks tend to be polished and completely presentable. They cultivate the Upwardly Mobile Young Executive look. They appear to know what theyre doing. And this crisp appearance, combined with expertise in small talk, makes them perfect lunchtime sidekicks to the boss and his powerful cronies.

7. learn to play golf.

See Habit No. 1. Its pretty easy to see why these dingleberries tend to get ahead. Aable companions and dutiful errand boys, they are nonthreatening, predictable, easy to control. Look, as far as the boss is concerned, brains are a dime a dozen and talent can always be acquired, but absolute loyalty is a rare commodity, and what most bosses want is a clean conduit of their own vision,