Sunday Morning Marriage Conference

Session 3
Differences: Two Distinct Languages Men and Women speak different languages. It s not that they don t hear each other, it that they don t understand each other. 1. Women are emotional, but men are logical. Women will tell you how they feel, a man will tell you what he thinks. 2. Men are simple. Women are complicated. 3. Men compartmentalize. Women multitask. 4. Women are more verbal than men. The most verbal of men speak 8-10,000 words a day, ladies can talk 20-40,000 Men want headlines, women want details. 5. Women are emotionally stimulated, but men are visually stimulated. 6. Men show intimacy through making love, but a woman wants to be intimate before and after making love. 7. Men find their identity in a job, but women often find their identity in relationships. Adam woke up to a job, but Eve woke up to Adam. 8. Men want to fix it/figure it out, but women just want to know you care. 9. Men enjoy quality alone time. Women want to feel secure. 10. Men need to be told again and again, but a woman never forgets. Conflict In Marriage Accepting conflicts as a fact of life helps us deal with it better. And it s important to remember that conflicts are not destructive in themselves. It s the way we handle them that determines how destructive they may become. The Four Horsemen of Marriage John Gottman says there are Four Horsemen that are certain to multiply relational pain and result in marital death. 1. Criticism. A complaint attacks a problem, but criticism attacks the person s character or personality 2. Contempt. Showing disgust for your spouse with such things as name-calling, mocking, condescending humor, belittling, demeaning, etc. 3. Defensiveness. This occurs when the guilty person refuses to apologize or back down from the conflict. Instead the guilty person excuses their behavior and even blames the other person. Defensiveness results in a standoff between enemies rather than a truce between allies. 4. Stonewalling. This is when we stop working for oneness and settle for two lonely, parallel lives. Separate financial lives, social lives, spiritual lives, bedrooms; and you become emotionally disengaging, verbally absent, and just plain out ignoring your spouse.

Guidelines To Resolving Conflict Ephesians 4:26 NASV Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 1. Ask Yourself, Is This Important? A lot of your arguments will stop if you ask yourself this question. Some differences demand confrontation, while others are simply a part of living with someone else. 2. Commit to handle yourselves with maturity. 3. Practice active listening and don t interrupt each other. It s important that you hear what your spouse is saying and they hear you too. James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. 4. Respond and not react. You should never give a reaction. Reaction is your immediate response controlled by in-the-moment feelings 5. Speak the truth in love respectfully honoring each other s feelings.

6. Do not allow the discussion to escalate into yelling or name-calling. 7. Never argue in from of the kids. Honor must be kept as a primary principle in the house. When you have children, you disagree behind a closed door. If they see you have permission to disrespect one another, they ve been granted permission to disrespect you. 8. Stick to the subject on hand. Do not allow your discussion to sidetrack onto any other grievance at this time. Never use a past argument to use for present ammunition. 9. Work not to judge each other but rather seek to express your own feelings over the matter. 10. Speak to each other in I feel statements (explaining our own perspective) rather than in you statements pointed at our spouse accusing them of feelings they may or may not have. (An example of this would be: I feel lonely when you re gone so much, rather than You never come home. ) 11. Refrain from playing the blame game speck in our spouse s. 12. Negotiate and Compromise. If you go into a disagreement determined to win, you will always have strife in your house 13. Readily apologize and sincerely ask for forgiveness. We ll apologize for whatever way that we have hurt our spouse and for whatever tension we ve caused in our marital relationship by our behavior. 14. Work to forgive each other as Christ has forgiven us. Never again reminding our spouse of the pain for which we ve said we ve forgiven them. And we ll make daily choices not to dwell on those painful thoughts in the future. 15. Pray and ask God to guide your thoughts, words and actions. and will each look for the plank in our own eye rather than the