A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume com pany to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the foll owing note. * * * * * * * * * * Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. * * * * * * * * * * The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: * * * * * * * * * * Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg an d, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. * * * * * * * * * * Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty lett er of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads: * * * * * * * * * * Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald he ad, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Dear Doctor, I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless. After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the s amba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-ch a. My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living wit h the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house w as empty. Needless to say this didn't work. A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast -feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up w ith clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way. Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would pr

event pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and d own she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself uncons cious. I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fa il to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby. My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitel y a right-handed screw. The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere wi th our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We wer e given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead. Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we wer e doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus prevent ing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted. You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have t o revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could neve r be the same as the real thing. Yours faithfully, Ray Jackson Dear Abby, I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspec ted for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has b een going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names sh e always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall as leep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clu bs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a n ight out with "the girls." When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstor e? Signed... Concerned Golfer Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together , they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The firs t said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mer

cedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You re member how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name t he chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son , "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know w hat your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."