Death of a Sales Associate By Derek Vieira

Letter From The Writer ` Let me start off by introducing myself. Hi, my name is Derek Vieira, and I sell shoes at JCPenney. Oh!! JCPenney you say? Thats the most normal store around here. Nono it is not. In fact that kinky store Spencers down near Sears is more normal that store 2165. This is the sole reason why I decided to write this little book. A fair warning before I begin. Things in the book will be embellished for the sole purpose of entertainment. If you are easily offended or find it hard to take a joke then you should drop this and walk away..Still here? Lets do this then.

Chapter 1: Stock Team

Where do I begin, probably the beginning I suppose. As many of you may or may not know I wasnt always a selling associate at JCPenney but I started at the bottom of the selling chain as a member of the Stock Team (Replenishment if you want to make it sound fancy). Now when I say bottom I dont mean that its that one position comparable to a pile of dirt and holds no significance. In fact without the stock team who would put out the stock? The managers? The other associates? Kim maybe? Come to think about it, yes, all those people do put out stock but not with the integrity and social awkwardness that the proud members of the stock team once had. I should begin with my first day on the job. First off 6 a.m. is not a proper time for one such as myself to be up and about, so my first impression was already tarnished by the fact that I was up before Mr. Sun could greet me. My first thoughts walking in were, this is going be fast paced action where, I and a bunch of other men unload a truck with incredible speed. Hah! Boy was I wrong. I was greeted by a team of all women who would put the men I envisioned to shame. The only other man I saw for hours that day other than the store manager was Carlos. My supervisor Debbie got me settled in and introduced me to my new co-workers. It was here that I met Betsy, yes Betsy, probably the hardest working person in the whole store. Betsy taught me everything I knew, from opening boxes, to organizing the merchandise on the carts (or the demon carts from hell as I came to know them by) those carts were a pain to load and push when we had a big truck. Sometimes I could swear they laughed at me when I wasnt looking, but then again it was 6 in the morning and I am so not a morning person. As my weeks continued I met new faces since this was a new system they implemented for stocking. One of the first male friends I made in that place was Steve. Im not going to lie I was a little taken back when Steve opened his mouth and out spewed an accent. I can remember thinking to myself wow, everyone wants that one foreign friend from Asia, or Australia and I finally have my friend from down-under. (Yes I knew from the start he was from England but whats the point on trying to write a funny book if I cant push peoples buttons for the sake of humor?) Steve and I clicked instantly and well its all down-hill from there. From our love of soccer, to our talks about how Liverpool is indeed not as good of a team as Chelsea. Poor Steve, a Liverpool fan. If you do read this buddy I apologize for the horrendous team you support. Anyways, next victim. Of course who cannot remember an encounter with Les? No, not the stand up guy who will sell you a fantastic suit at a low Everyday Fair and Square Price, but the former member of our stock team. Les had jokes and he knew where to hit you to get you all worked up. Any shot taken at Les would bounce off him and he would send two

back your way. Oh Les, your time with us was short and you will gladly be missed, kind of, maybe, but not really. Of course I kid when I say this cause he was my favorite old man to work with, as senile as he was. Again this is all in good fun. Les was a good guy and he made the long work days bearable. Final people of the stock team Id like to mention are Debbie and Carlos. Carlos was there every day at 5 a.m.; how this man does it I have no idea. It was always a horrible experience when he went on Vacation cause once I had gone in at that time to unload the truck with Betsy. Carlos brings a smile to everyone in that store and because of this he will avoid my wrath and not get picked apart by my over exaggerated words, the rest of you may not be so lucky. Debbie of course was my supervisor and because she is higher up in the ever changing food chain I can do nothing but say the utmost wonderful things I can think of. But I wont. Debbie was a pleasure to work with. Her ability to manage a clock would put Football players to shame. We always knew what time it was and how much longer we had because she would always shout at us from behind that we have 5 minutes to get a million mens shirts out on the floor, And every minute after that she would remind us. Some days I would go home at night and say to myself, Derek you have 10 minutes to finish supper (I have no idea why because I wasnt on any particular schedule, but thats what work does to you I guess). All in all it was a joy working on the stock team, but medical problems took me out of there and had me in mens basics, or for those of you that hear my rants, mens panties. It was not a good experience and I disliked most of my time in that department.

Ch 2: Home

As far as this book is concerned Im going to highlight my experiences in the areas of the store and then individually give certain people their own sections. Lets face it, I could write a whole other book on some of the experiences Ive had with people there. You know who you are. After the debacle that was mens undergarments I was moved to the home dept. a move I so cherish in my bosom, or so I would think. I met Christie, the home supervisor. She was a doll. A precious woman whos love and affection for her associates rivaled no others. (And then I stopped joking around while writing this and got serious). The one thing that caught my attention was how close the department was compared to all the others. Everyone was close friends and did not hesitate to bring me into their group. This would be something that I cherish even to this day, where we are all still very close; Arthur, Mai, Ryan Fox, Linda, Debbie, and the cornerstone of the home department, Gail. Yes Gail will get her own chapter; it will be loving and great, and may be the only chapter without intense sarcasm. Gail was the one who taught me everything I know about being a proper associate. From our talks while I was on the stock team, to our schemes about how I would get to the home dept. one day, Gail was one person I never minded working with. Along with all these people I met my wonderful girl friend who luckily left the store and no longer works there. Now before everyone gets offended at that last remark let me remind you she left to work full time at Best Buy because she is that good at life, not because of the utter annoyance that is the JCPenney community. Her time there was short, a little under a year, but there were some good times. With fun comes hard work. Even though supervisors would conveniently walk by as we were doing nothing it didnt mean we hadnt done anything all day. We worked hard and proud up there and when we were done if it was dead we would gaze upon our hard earned work and pat ourselves on the back. It was just coincidence that people walked by as we just finished, something that got annoying fast. As much as Christie and I clash at work, make no mistake we do get along. It was always fun being sarcastic to her and her actually taking it and dishing it back. To me the home dept. was a ship, a slave ship, and Christie was her captain. Its a known fact that if she indeed had a whip she would have probably used it. But of course she didnt have one so her hand would suffice. (I love you Christie please dont hurt me for this). One thing I learned from working in home was that the customers got crazy. Seriously there is a register in Lingerie, go pay for your old lady undergarments there.

No I do not know where the girdles are! Excuse me young man? Yes madam? Can you fit me for a bra? WOAH! NOOOO! YOU NEED TO WAIT FOR SHARON TO COME BACK FROM HER LUNCH HOUR!!! Yes that is a true story. Why people think I know about panties is beyond me. I sell toasters and towels, how about one of those? No, I get the old ladies who cash out their thongs, no thats not a typo, THONGS, T-H-O-N-G-S. Can you believe such a world? There would eventually be that crazy customer who would let their kids run wild. They did things such as hide in the pillow bins at work and scare the day lights out of me. Hide and seek in the curtain dept was always fun. Id go pretend to adjust the curtains where one little rascal was hiding from the other so that he would be revealed and lose. Seriously, if I wanted to work in a place where kids run rampant like lunatics I would have applied at Chuck-E-Cheeses. I digress. Working in home meant learning catalog. What an awful mistake on my part. 3 and out in catalog Derek can you get that? Yeah sure Derek are you available? Yes Im there Does anyone know if Derek has a walkie? Hey yeah its me Derek! Let go of the button so I can tell you Im in catalog!!! Story of my life. I enjoyed my time in home but it was time for me to move on.

Chapter 3: Mens

Hey Derek youre going to full time. Sweet!!! You get 35ish hours. Yeah, awesome! Its mens though. umm ok I can handle that. Im not going to tell you this but your gunna find out you work five days a week and four of those shifts are 1-9 one after the other. Way to rain on my parade man. Thats not how the conversation really went with a manager who is no longer at our store. But I wish it would have been. Now working in Mens wasnt bad. I got to get to know Dan and George, Les who is the classiest man in the store, and Devin before he left. Jen also worked there with our current Miss New Bedford Marlena. We all got along. Mev was our manager and I swear to this day she will never understand my jokes and personality. Sweetheart of a girl but some of the things I say to her are hilarious to some but fly over her hear. Some might say she may or may not like me, but in the end she did her best to make my time in mens enjoyable. Mens was so enjoyable actually. It was so enjoyable that for every one customer that yelled at me for something stupid, I died a little on the inside. By the time I left Mens I was almost completely dead. My soul never to return to my body because of those certain people. The fitting rooms were just awful. The amount of clothes I cleaned out of there every hour on the hour, because God forbid I forget to do it one hour and not lose a hand as punishment, was absolutely atrocious. As far as the workers, Dan made working there an absolute pleasure. The only person in that store who was more sarcastic than I and I loved every moment of it. The suit crew, as I called them, was very nice and it was refreshing to know that people respected them as much as I did. Now Mens wasnt as bad as my complaining made it sound but I wanted to go back to school and make something of myself. Which brings me back to my home in home.

Chapter 4: Home Dept part 2/ Shoes

Now there isnt much to say about my second coming to the Home Dept. other than that I started right where I left off. Gail was as awesome as ever and the only new thing was that Mai and Arthur moved so far away, exactly two feet from the Home Dept. to windows. One other new thing was the addition to Vi. Wow Vi, the Asian friend I always dreamed of having. We clicked right away. He was instantly initiated to the two person group that was Arthur and I. A third amigo if you will. The third wheel to our tricycle of friendship. The third slave on the slave ship.well Im sure you get the picture. It was here in the Home dept. that Arthur and I came up with power minute. It was also here that the idea for an exclusive club that would be filled with many fine people came about. We called it the Corinchians, and the lucky people who were in it in the beginning was Arthur and I. eventually there were more members but theres a chapter about the regalness of The Corinchians for all of that. As new people started to fill the ranks of JCPenney we would come across quite a few characters. Richard for instance was a funny guy right off the back. Kathryn, well hah, she made quite an impact. Now I dont have many intense experiences with Kathryn to give her a whole chapter, but if I dont give her at least a paragraph Ill probably be, cut down, as if she carries a sword with her at all times. Kathryn was a funny gal. She had her quips and who needs a gossip column in a magazine when you have her around. Every time she would come to get change there would be another story. One would never know what happens in five minutes between change trips, but Kathryn new it all.and that meant so would we. When my fun in the Home Dept. ended I went down to shoes. This happened pretty much because I annoyed Kim constantly and she probably decided, You know what, if this gets him to stop coming into my office then sure why not. Lets put him in shoes cause Im sick of this guy. We give him employee of the month and he all of a sudden thinks he is awesome. JEEESH! it probably didnt happen like that but who wants to read yeah sure you can go to shoes, you work hard. I was thrown right in the wildfire that is shoes. I learned everything right away and even had to deal with a new manager. Joe Iaco..something Italian. God only knows I cant even pronounce it never mind spell it. He seemed like a nice guy but you can never judge a book by its cover. If there is one person who is a bigger slave driver than Christie, its Joe. He walked right in and said, hey slacker! Move some units! I was confused because I had no idea what he meant. How do I move units when I dont understand? I came to the conclusion that it was probably Italian for hey buddy, youre

doing a good job selling those shoes. And sell shoes I did. To be fair to Joe he is a really great guy and I have nothing but respect for him. We get along great other than the fact the he wants me to get people to apply for the devils credit card. But I guess its my job so I sold my soul to him and have been trying ever since. (GO 49ERS!) Shoes is good but thats where my journey through the company ends. There was a lot more in between but enough about me, lets get to the good stuff in this never ending novel of fun filled fun stuff. If you havent been offended yet then you can continue reading, if you did get offended then you might want to pass this along to the next person.

Chapter 5: Gail Before I continue with the sarcasm lets take a break and say nice things about someone very special. Gail. I dare you to say that Gail isnt the nicest most precious person in that whole store. If you do say it then I challenge you to say it in front of me or anyone in the Corinchians because it will not go well. Gail is thee best person in the store. Nobody compares to the majesty that is Gail Swallow. Her stories are hilarious and nobody could fold a towel like Gail could. If there is that one rare person who can say something bad about Gail then you obviously havent met her in person. Out of anyone in that store she was the one person I could go to with a problem. No supervisor could give the emotional support Gail could give to the people in the Home Dept. She worked hard and she rallied everyone up at times to follow her hard working ethic, and follow her we gladly did. Even still Arthur and I watch out for Mamma Gail as she is commonly known around the store. One product of her sheer majesty is her daughter Lindsey. Lindsey is just like her mother except with a little bit more of a wild side. But make no mistake Gail can keep up with the best of us. Im not even sure I can keep up with her myself, but anyways where was I. Ah yes, Lindsey. Lindsey was probably the most excited person about my arrival to shoes. I dont understand why but hey, its a boost to my ego so I want ask questions. Lindsey is always a pleasure to work with and there is never a dull moment with her. Boasting some of the best and creative baking skills, it is always interesting to hear about her next crazy idea for some immaculate cupcake. Nothing over joys me more than having Gail and her daughter in the same building. It may be because its good for my self-esteem or simply because they are the best.

Chapter 6: Supervisors Now for the Supervisors who have rarely been mentioned in this book. As far as favorites go its a common fact that Wendy is my favorite. She always comes over and we chat for a minute about things going on in life and have a close bond. Its always a sign of a good day in the trenches when shes on. Then there are others who are good but arent Wendy. And I say this because I have yet to forget the phone call where all the supervisors were in one room and I was asked who my favorite one was by Mev. Of course I said Wendy and little did I know she and everyone else was in that room. As far as they go only Christie and Wendy understand my dry sense of humor. Everyone else usually either takes it seriously or it goes way over their heads. Sometime I find myself having to explain things and it just simply loses its humor. The biggest fans of my jokes would have to be Christine. She will always tell me I should be a comedian because Im hilarious. She is definitely a loveable ball of stress, yet she works really hard to keep the store going. I cant forget Christines partner in crime Crystal. She is one of the few supervisors who I never thought held secret meetings to plot my downfall. A sweetheart and a fast responder to my three and out calls, closing with her was never a torturous experience. By the waymysterious supervisors from months ago who said Ill be right there when I called for a three and out in Mens..Im still waiting for the help. Melinda while she worked in catalog helped keep me sane through my time upstairs at JCPenney. Another gem at 2165, I would personally hire her as a manager at any store I owned, she was that good! I cant think of anything to poke fun at her about so Ill leave her be. We of course have Barbara, the training supervisor. She doesnt always get my jokes but she tries which is good. Props to you for not taking me seriously. Life is too short to analyze the weird things that come from my mind. It could drive someone insane to try ad understand my mannerisms. How does one speak of the JCP supervisors without mentioning the Mens Supervisor? As I have already mentioned Mev before I wont go into too much sarcasm but one thing for sure is that she is in love with something called a Charge app. Most supervisors greet me with a smile. Mev on the other hand finds me and with fire and intensity in her eyes says that I need to get a Charge App. Is Charge App a rare treasure? Has she been asking me to reunite her with this treasure called Charge App? I have no idea. Also I have figured out that to help Mev acquire this charge app, I need to get off the zero list. Darn you zero list, darn you to Hades for preventing me to help Mev out. All she wants is a charge app and I cant help her with that because I am on your list!

Since writing that last paragraph I have been informed that a charge app is a credit card application and it is indeed not a treasure, although you would never have guessed since they bribe you with candy and treats to get these things. If a get a bajillion charge apps I get a small piece of candy?! OH HAPPY DAYS! Before I forget there is the issue of Christie and Helena. They are the upstairs equivalent of Christine and Crystal. They are both Portuguese, stubborn, and well when they say things sometimes I cant take them seriously. There I have come clean. When they tell me to do things, they say it in such a manner that I cannot simply do it without saying something back to them. A simple can you clean pocket books since shoes is dead turns into a no hablos espanol. Its like dealing with Captain Hook and Smee. Ill let your creative minds decide which one is which. One other thing I would like to address to Christie is that Sporting is indeed better than Benfica. If you do so challenge this fact then let me remind you that you will be arguing with a poorly written story and I dont think it will look right on your part fighting with paper. Please dont come find me only to hit me with a shoe or something, I already said this was purely for entertainment purposes and some things are embellished and not true. Except Sporting being better than Benfica, thats true.

Chapter 7: Arthur and The Corinchians Im sure by now most people at JCP have heard someone say the word Corinchian. If you havent then youre probably off in la la land because it is said loudly and often. We have even made a club out of such a word. With the members of this club lacking the desire to take the time to explain what a Corinchian is, it has become somewhat exclusive. Since Ive been pestered time and time again to explain what a corinchian is ill just say it here. Corinchian is a tea..oh dear, it seems like the exact letters I need to type out the definition of a Corinchian have suddenly stopped working. Oh well, maybe next time Ill be able to elaborate more on this. Being part of the Corinchians meant hanging out with Vi and Arthur more. It was very rarely that Arthur and I worked together without coming up with some crazy idea to make JCPenney not boring. We had so many ideas. So many that none of them actually happened because we would have some other idea that would overshadow the previous one. Thats the price you pay for creative genius I guess. Being my closest friend at JCP, since now Vi is sipping fruity drinks in California, we have a sort of best friend bond going on. Speaking of Vi being gone that makes Mai the token Asian in the store. Again before everyone jumps on my back for racial slurs it should be known that she enjoys that title. Good for you Mai for being proud of your Asian background. Now with Mai having an I guess Asian name, there is obviously consequences. Many a time customers will come in looking for Mia, not Mai, Mia. It gets annoying for myself, a simple bystander, to hear people ask for Mia. She looks more like a Mai than a Mia. Because she is funny as all hell she had a name tag printed with My on it so that nobody can mess up. Why I never thought of that I will never know. Touch Miss Dang, touch. Now for educational purposes I will list the members of the ever mysterious Corinchians. Derek Arthur Ryan Fox Lindsey Jason Not Kathryn And Vi (California Chapter)

Chapter 8: Ive lost my drive to type Since this story is going to end up being an actual book soon, I am just going to put the rest of the store in this section. With all the great people in the store I would like to give a special mention to that lovely women in mens, Kaye. I probably spelt your name wrong but its better than me calling you K. That would be ignorant. If it would also please everyone the shoe dept gets one large shout out because Ive yet to be amused while down there. Other than Joe there is nothing to poke fun at. Joe makes it too easy. Why he makes those faces I will never know. I was once told that he is giving me the keys to success and I just have to take it. To that I say, Joe I do believe you dropped those keys in your office with no door. Since everyone else is a total gem I dont think its worth mentioning because I cant think of anything amusing about them. Seriously, most of the people I didnt mention are sweet hearts and picking at them is just way to mean. I hope everyone enjoyed this book because heaven knows it took me forever to finally do this. If I do get fired for writing this book then well it was nice working with you all and without your shenanigans this long story would not be possible. For even more fun reread this in the voice of Morgan Freeman. If the story itself doesnt make you laugh then Im sure that will.

Corinchians Entertainment