HEAVENS FULL?! This is what all those protesters were looking forward to?

How was this any better than hell itself? First off, came Satans answer, Not all followers are sent down here to me. Just you Liners. And trust me, that luxurious box youre in is nothing like what youd be experiencing if I had my way. What are followers and liners? Technically, you spoke correctly earlier; you are in hell, just a different section. Subsection P, to be exact. I use the term follower because Ive got plenty of souls calling themselves Christians down here, Satan chuckled. As for the second part of your question, you remember in high school, when youd got an eighty-nine percent in English class, just short of an A, and the teacher bumped you up? Thats a liner. While you did accept his, ahem, initiative, yes, you walked the line until the end. Heavens on a first come, first serve basis. But why not just let me in? I said. Even living on the streets would be better than this. Satan laughed again. Slums in heaven? Youd better be kidding me. Its heaven, you fool, not a parking garage. There are rules. So Im in purgatory? Not exactly. Its more like jail without bond until you get transferred to the nicer facility. At least, heaven seemed like prison to me. Of course it did, I retorted. Youre Satan. All you want to do is rebel and take power. As if you trash receptacles are any different, Satans sneered. The only reason, the only reason, any of you get a second chance is because of HIM. Otherwise, youd all be down here with ME. Whatever. Why couldnt God just make enough room for me? Hes God, isnt he? I asked. How should I know? He moves in mysterious ways and all that jazz. Ask him yourself. Here, use my phone. With that, a wall of my cube dissolved and I spilled out in a tangle of my own limbs. I stood up and tried to work out the cramps with minimal success. I looked around and gasped. All around me, for hundreds of miles, white cubes were stacked haphazardly like they were tossed in a hole by a dump truck. I looked up, and all I could see was blackness. The only light in the room was a slight white glow emanating from inside each of the cubes. Reviewing their past lives, came Satans voice behind me. Its like television, but with only one channel and no power button.

I was looking at an angel. Bright white robes were wrapped around its body. Its body was the only other source of light in the place. Its face was golden and beautiful, and atop the head sat a jeweled crown. But the crown was missing some gems, the edges of its robes were tattered, and I smelled the foul stench of rotting flesh. You were expecting horns and hooves? Pitchfork? he laughed. Angel of light, remember? Before I could reply, Satan spun around and walked away. I figure if Im gonna compare your box to a jail cell, why not let you have one phone call? His laughter made the air around him stir, like swirling black clouds before a flood. I limped to catch up. He stuck his hand in the air and opened a door in the blackness. As soon as it opened, red light blinded me and my ears started ringing as if Id been standing too close to a fire cracker. A smell filled the air, reminding me of moms burning pot roast. When I could hear again, I realized the sound was the screaming of billions of tortured souls; the smell was burning flesh. I followed Satan through the door and felt flames hit me that shouldve burned my flesh, but I felt no heat. I looked out upon a conflagration beyond measure in size and intensity. It really was a pit, but there was nothing but darkness in the sky. We strolled through a maze of catwalks over the inferno and Satan busied himself by signing clipboards carried by obese golden flying imps. The flames didnt seem to bother them, either. My empire is beautiful, isnt it? Satan yelled over the screaming. Take a good look at what youre missing. I wish I hadnt looked down. I saw things happening to people that cant be unseen. No amount of violent movies could have prepared me for it. They werent just being burned, they were being cut on, raped, torn apart and they never, ever died. One imp cut off a mans right arm over and over again. Finally, we came upon an old fashioned glass payphone booth; Satan opened the door for me. I was about to step inside when I realized I didnt have any money. Smirking, Satan shot out one of his goldcolored hands and gripped my throat. I tried to pull away, but he held me with the strength of a thousand men. His other hand reached up underneath one of my eyelids and pulled out a quarter. Releasing me, he flipped the coin into the air and I caught it. He might not answer; Satan said. He ignores most of my calls ever since the whole Job thing. I stepped inside the booth and shut the door behind me Just dial 7. Itll automatically put you through. I picked up the receiver, deposited my quarter, and punched in the number. ---