Humor essay written by Nina Tamburello, read at the LitUp Writer series installment Labor Pains: Stories of Work

& Woe (San Francisco, CA, April 19, 2011)

Faking It Im sure youll do just fine, the perky recruiter says to me. But I have to warn you that Ive seen some applicants do poorly on this test because they get so hung up on being, she sighs, honest.

Well, I know honesty has no business in the workplace, I reply.

Yes, you understand! she says. Some people like to think of this as a personality test. I think of it as the test that determines whether or not youll get work.

Im at a temp agency running the gauntlet of tests that will determine whether or not Im deemed fit to answer phones, make photocopies and tie my own shoelaces. Ive come here with high hopes of getting a few assignments until the right permanent job comes along.

Ive survived the Microsoft Word, typing and alphabetizing tests (yes, alphabetizing). But the most important test of all is the "Clerical Will Do" test, which I like to refer to as the "Good Little Robot" test, which asks questions about personality, morals and work ethic. Perhaps I cant bluff my way through the technical tests but I can always pretend to have a positive can do attitude.

*** The accounting manager at my first assignment pulls me aside and says, The reason that youre here is that were being, lowers his voice to a whisper, audited. He looks at me solemnly as he continues, But the employees dont know that - so if anyone asks, just say youre here doing research. Id been sent to this advertising firm to make photocopies of receipts and invoices for three days at the rate of $9 an hour. I briefly considered trying to negotiate a higher pay rate now that my assignment was turning into some sort of covert CIA mission. However, the company is located in a converted warehouse in an industrial area by the waterfront and as I got lost en route to the office, Id thought about how easy it would be to hide a body in this area and how easy it would be for the accounting manager to call the Agency and say that I hadnt shown up.

I spend the first morning detaching receipts from invoices, making a photocopy of the document on the archaic Xerox machine with the broken manual feeding device, and re-stapling the receipt back to the invoice. After Ive finished the first batch, I bring the large stack of photocopies to the accounting manager.

Great! he says. Now you can get started on the second part of the assignment. Youre going to take those copies and make copies of them.

Im silent for a few moments while I try to wrap my brain around this statement. I finally say, So, you want me to make photocopies of the photocopies? 2

Yes, one set is going over to our attorney so he can review the documents and one set is going to the IRS, he says.

Oh, I see. I say with silent resignation. Sure! No problem.

I spend the rest of the day making photocopies of photocopies and hoping I will unearth some incriminating document that I can send to the IRS in support of their investigation. *** Whats your greatest weakness? the interviewer says as he glances up from his clipboard full of formulaic questions. Im interviewing for an administrative assistant position within a monolithic finance company. The large conference room where Im being interviewed features a motivational poster that says, Even in the dictionary, quality comes before success. Its the type of company that encourages their

employees to use swag with the corporate logo to foster team spirit. As I walked through the maze of cubicles on my way through the office, I could see the employees writing with pens and drinking from water bottles with the company logo.

I pause faux-thoughtfully and say, I would have to say that my greatest weakness is that I get impatient with people who arent willing to give 110% to their job. The truth of the matter is I get really impatient with people period.

Where do you see yourself in ten years? the interviewer asks.

I see myself growing into a progressively more responsible role within the company where my talents and contributions can really make a difference, I reply.

The truth is that after completing several soul-sucking temp assignments, Im starting to realize that Im commitment-phobic about jobs. I had assumed that the siren song of security would motivate me to accept the first permanent job offer I received. Now that Ive sampled some of the depressing jobs that are out there, Im no longer in a hurry to settle down. Its not the idea of settling down itself that scares me, but the idea of settling for a job that I have no desire to do on a long-term basis. *** Do you have any questions about the company that I havent covered yet? Im at a hazardous waste processing facility, applying for an administrative assistant job in the marketing department. Even though the office is in a separate building from the waste-processing area, being in the same building with hazardous waste worries me. While I was waiting, I asked the receptionist for a cup of water and then had second thoughts about actually drinking it.

Whats your favorite part about working for the company? I ask.

Its my fallback question. I learned thats important to have a question prepared to ask the employer so that it appears youre actually interested in the job. The answer is 4

usually the same; everyone always says that they really like the team of people they work with.

I would say that my favorite part about working here is the one day a year when we all go out into the field with the truckers who transport the waste and get to experience what they do. Its great even the president of the company does it. You see him get in the truck with a Hazmat suit. They even let you help little parts of their job, like labeling the drums of chemicals! she says with an enthusiasm that seems frighteningly genuine. Her answer surprises me so much that I have to struggle to muster up the socially acceptable level of enthusiasm in response.

Wow! They let you label the drums of chemicals? Gee, that sounds soexciting and hands-on! I say. So when the ad said looking for someone who isnt afraid to get their hands dirty, it wasnt being figurative.

A few weeks later, I get a rejection letter from the hazardous waste office. I didnt even want the job yet theres still something pretty disheartening about getting rejected from a hazardous waste facility. The only thing more depressing would be getting hired. Then Id have to act enthusiastic about hazardous waste on a full-time basis. Worse yet, at some point Id probably let down my guard and drink the water.