The Lies We Tell Ourselves

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Jon Frederickson

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 The Lies We Tell Ourselves
Unmasking Self-Deception to Embrace True
Transformation.
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About the book
Are you feeling trapped in your life and struggling to
understand why? In *The Lies We Tell Ourselves*,
psychotherapist Jon Frederickson uncovers the self-deceptions
that keep us stagnant and provides a path to liberation.
Through compelling stories and insightful examples, he
illustrates how our perceived problems often mask deeper,
unaddressed fears and truths. Inspired by the works of Stephen
Grosz and Irving Yalom, Frederickson invites readers to
confront the lies they tell themselves and embrace the realities
they've long avoided, ultimately empowering them to say no
when needed. This powerful book highlights that while we
may cling to comforting falsehoods to evade pain, such
illusions only lead to greater suffering. It reveals how
confronting our truths can pave the way for a more fulfilling
life and emphasizes the transformative nature of therapy as a
genuine connection focused on uncovering profound truths.

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About the author
Jon Frederickson is a renowned psychotherapist, author, and
trainer in the field of mental health, best known for his
contributions to the development of psychotherapy techniques
and informed approaches to emotional healing. With a robust
background in both clinical practice and research,
Frederickson integrates psychodynamic principles with
contemporary therapeutic methods, making his work
particularly resonant for those navigating complex emotional
landscapes. His insights, shaped by years of experience and a
deep understanding of human psychology, aim to illuminate
the often hidden aspects of our internal struggles, promoting
profound personal insight and growth. In "The Lies We Tell
Ourselves," Frederickson explores the complexities of
self-deception and how it interferes with personal well-being
and authentic relationships, offering readers a path towards
greater self-awareness and healing.

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Summary Content List
Chapter 1 : Something Is Wrong

Chapter 2 : How We Avoid the Truth of Our Lives

Chapter 3 : The Refusal to Embrace

Chapter 4 : Die Before You Die

Chapter 5 : Being the Opening for Truth

Chapter 6 : Embracing

Chapter 7 : Epilogue

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Chapter 1 Summary : Something Is
Wrong

**CHAPTER 1: Something Is Wrong**

**Pain and Self-Deception**
Many of us cope with the inevitable pain of life by telling
ourselves lies, often without recognizing them. While these
lies may provide temporary relief, they eventually lead to
deeper suffering. We often seek help under the impression
that we are broken when it is, in fact, our lies causing the
damage. Instead of running from our feelings, we need to
confront our truths, which sheds light on the sources of our
pain and allows healing.
**Therapy: A Collaborative Journey**
Therapy should not be seen merely as a technique for change;
it is a relational journey where patients connect with their

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truths. The therapist serves as a guide, helping individuals
face their painful realities rather than allowing them to
continue running from their feelings. Healing occurs through
genuine connections and understanding rather than mere
techniques or medications.
**Facing the Facts Instead of Fantasies**
In therapy, confronting the realities of our lives, no matter
how painful, is crucial for healing. Facilitating this process
often requires a gentle but direct approach, enabling patients
to recognize the truth they have avoided. When one woman
finally accepted her son’s autism instead of wishing for a
“normal” son, she experienced a profound
relief—acknowledging the existence of her true son led to an
unconditional acceptance and love.
**Understanding Emotions as Signals**
Emotions like anxiety and depression often signal buried
truths. Instead of dismissing them, therapists encourage
individuals to explore their emotions, leading to insightful
realizations about their lives. By addressing the core feelings
connected to their symptoms, individuals can uncover and
embrace the realities they have long avoided.
**Illusions of Being Broken**
Many people feel broken after experiencing loss or
hardships, but this perception often results from shattered

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illusions rather than a loss of self. Recognizing that our
dreams and expectations may not be realistic can initiate
healing and understanding, ultimately allowing individuals to
confront their real selves and the truths beneath their pain.
**Embracing Reality Over Fantasy**
As individuals confront their truths, they can uncouple from
harmful fantasies. This process often requires emotional
courage, acceptance of imperfections, and acknowledgment
of personal responsibility for their feelings and relationships.
Confronting the facts rather than indulging in victimhood
allows for deeper understanding and connection with oneself
and others.
**The Journey of Healing**
Healing occurs through connection, self-acceptance, and
confrontation of unpleasant truths. The process requires
individuals to drop their masks and embrace their feelings
fully, fostering a sense of mutual respect and understanding
between therapist and patient. As one learns to embrace both
their unresolved pain and joy, they open up to their capacity
for love and insight.
**Lessons from Suffering**
Suffering reveals underlying truths that can lead to growth
and transformation. By facing one’s guilt and pain instead of
deflecting them onto others, individuals reclaim their

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humanity and learn to embrace their full range of emotions.
Therapy is a journey toward accepting both pain and love,
where each feeling invites further exploration and
understanding of oneself.

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Example
Key Point:Confronting your truths is essential for
healing emotional pain.
Example:Imagine you’ve experienced a heartbreaking
breakup, telling yourself that you’re fine and ready to
move on, while deep down, you feel an ache in your
chest. Instead of confronting the layers of hurt and
disappointment, you avoid it by diving back into work
or distracting yourself with new relationships. In
therapy, you’re encouraged to explore those feelings,
allowing you to acknowledge the sorrow and
vulnerability lying beneath the surface. By finally facing
the reality of your emotions rather than fleeing from
them, you discover clarity, self-acceptance, and,
ultimately, the ability to heal and forge deeper
connections with yourself and others.

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Critical Thinking
Key Point:Confronting one's own truths is essential
for genuine healing.
Critical Interpretation:While Frederickson argues that
addressing painful realities is crucial to overcoming
suffering, this perspective may be overly simplistic. It's
essential to recognize that individuals engage with their
pain and self-deception in various ways, not all of which
necessitate direct confrontation. Alternative therapies,
such as acceptance and commitment therapy (Hayes,
2006), suggest that accepting one’s thoughts and
feelings without necessarily confronting them can also
lead to a fulfilling life. Additionally, one might consider
that not all therapy experiences are conducive to
truth-telling or that for some, the journey through lies is
a complex and deeply personal process that might not
always culminate in the clarity Frederickson advocates.

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Chapter 2 Summary : How We Avoid the
Truth of Our Lives

**Summary of Chapter 2: How We Avoid the Truth of Our

Lives**
**Introduction to Self-Deception**
We tell ourselves lies to evade the painful feelings that come
from confronting reality. This avoidance leads us to cling to
fantasies instead of accepting the truths of our lives, causing
suffering. Therapy becomes essential to help us uncover
these self-deceptions and their consequences.
**Understanding Suffering and Loss**
Suffering arises from our resistance to reality, and denial
about loss—whether it be through illness or death—can
deepen our pain. When we fail to confront these truths, we
inflict further suffering on ourselves. Accepting reality

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allows for grief, which is a natural pathway to healing rather
than something to overcome.
**The Nature of Grief**
Grieving our losses enables us to embrace our feelings,
leading to genuine self-discovery. Our attachment to
fantasies can cause greater distress than the loss themselves.
Instead of seeing grief as a problem, we must recognize it as
a necessary process that facilitates healing.
**Addictions and Escapism**
We subconsciously indulge in various forms of escapism
(e.g., substance abuse or work) to avoid feeling present. The
underlying addiction is a desire to escape our current reality,
which only serves to isolate us further. True healing involves
facing our feelings rather than running away from them.
**The Illusion of Control**
Attempts to control our lives or the behavior of others can
lead to disconnection and deeper suffering. We often react to
our unhappiness by blaming others instead of accepting
responsibility for our feelings and choices.
**Confronting Denial and Expectation**
Denial keeps us trapped in unfulfilled expectations, often
causing us to wait for changes that may never come.
Acceptance of facts can alleviate suffering and pave the way
for growth and hope.

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**Healing Through Acceptance**
Accepting reality, rather than holding onto illusions, allows
us to discover genuine hope for a future based on what truly
is. Embracing our complexities and imperfections is essential
for personal growth and true connection with others.
**Rejecting the Fantasy of Zero Negativity**
The desire for a conflict-free existence is unrealistic.
Acceptance of our differences fosters growth and genuine
relationships. True love encompasses both positive and
negative experiences, allowing us to embrace ourselves and
others fully.
**Conclusion: Embracing Humanity**
To heal, we must accept our human messiness. Rejecting
parts of ourselves only leads to further suffering. Love
involves embracing our entirety, including our flaws,
enabling authentic connections. Acknowledging our
imperfections helps us foster acceptance and understanding
in ourselves and in our relationships with others.

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Example
Key Point:Acceptance of reality is essential for
healing and personal growth.
Example:Imagine finding yourself in a situation where
you've lost a loved one. Rather than acknowledging the
pain and sadness that comes with that loss, you dive into
distractions—spending countless hours at work,
numbing your feelings with substances, or indulging in
endless entertainment. Each time you feel the weight of
grief, you convince yourself that you’re too busy or that
it will pass on its own. But the truth is that this
avoidance keeps you trapped, amplifying your isolation
and suffering. If instead, you allow yourself to sit with
those feelings of sadness and loss, you pave the way for
genuine healing. Accepting the reality of your grief,
though painful, is the first step towards meaningful
connection with others and a deeper understanding of
yourself. By facing what is true, you can gradually
uncover the hope and resilience that lies on the other
side of that pain.

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Critical Thinking
Key Point:The Role of Grief in Healing
Critical Interpretation:One key point in this chapter is
the assertion that grieving is essential for genuine
self-discovery and healing. While Frederickson
highlights the importance of confronting grief as a
pathway to accept reality, it is worth questioning
whether grieving must always follow this prescribed
pattern. For instance, the ways in which individuals
manage grief vary widely, and some may find solace in
alternative coping mechanisms or rediscover joy before
fully embracing their sorrow. Critics could argue that
imposing a linear approach to grieving may overlook
the unique experiences of each individual. Sources like
"On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross often
discuss the complexities of grief, suggesting it is not
merely a stage but also a highly personal journey that
can diverge significantly from the established norms.

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Chapter 3 Summary : The Refusal to
Embrace
**Chapter 3: The Refusal to Embrace**
**Introduction to Self-Deception**
In this chapter, we explore the ways in which we deceive
ourselves and distort reality, often clinging to lies instead of
embracing the truths of our inner and outer lives. This denial
leads to different forms of blindness and suffering. A
therapist's role is to help individuals confront their defenses
and recognize how these mechanisms contribute to their pain.
**Refusal to Acknowledge Inner Conflicts**
The refusal to embrace our outer realities often reflects an
internal conflict. For instance, individuals may create
external conflicts to avoid facing their inner struggles. They
may fear addressing their desires or rejected feelings, which
are instead projected onto others.
**The Role of Pseudoempathy**
The concept of "psychosyrupy" or pseudoempathy is
highlighted, where therapists or friends may inadvertently
support individuals’ harmful behaviors instead of challenging
them. This collaboration in denial perpetuates suffering,
preventing individuals from acknowledging their destructive

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patterns.
**Disclaiming Personal Desires**
People often attribute their desires to others rather than
accept them as their own. This can lead to a cycle of anxiety
and emotional turmoil when unmet needs resurface,
revealing that these feelings have always been within them.
**Avoiding Personal Responsibility**
Many people avoid facing their own shortcomings and
instead project these issues onto others. This displacement
allows them to escape dealing with their feelings and creates
a façade of blame against others.
**Devaluing Reality and Self-Doubt**
Self-devaluation is another form of lying that can hinder
personal growth. Individuals may suppress their feelings,
questioning their worth and capabilities. They must confront
self-doubt to embrace their true potential, as ignoring their
feelings only leads to more internal pain.
**Gaslighting and Its Impacts**
The chapter discusses gaslighting—where individuals
manipulate others' perceptions of reality to maintain control.
This can result in significant emotional harm, as they force
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and beliefs.
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**The Myth of Healing through Love**
While love is a powerful force, it is not sufficient to

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Chapter 4 Summary : Die Before You
Die
**Chapter 4: Die Before You Die**
**The Concept of Death in Therapy**
In therapy and life, we encounter two types of death: the
physical death of our bodies and the metaphorical death of
our illusions. To embrace truth, we must metaphorically "die"
by shedding our denial and facades. This process often
involves a “funeral” for our false selves, allowing us to
grieve and discover our authentic selves beneath the lies we
live.
**The Role of Love and Self-Image**
For love to flourish, we must remove the facades behind
which we hide. Our self-image acts as a barrier to genuine
connection. Many, like an architect in therapy, struggle to
accept criticism and confront their behaviors. Facing one's
imperfections is crucial for personal growth and acceptance.
Instead of clinging to a false identity of perfection,
individuals often need to confront their reality, as denial
impedes true connection.
**The Fear of Death and Denial**
Death evokes fear, leading individuals to live in denial of

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life's limitations. Western culture often promotes fantasies
that distract us from the inevitability of death, resulting in
suffering. However, accepting death can shift our priorities
from illusions to reality. Grief allows for the dissolution of
these illusions and fosters a deeper connection to the truth of
our existence.
**Understanding the Desire to Die**
When individuals express a desire to end their lives, it is
essential for therapists to listen and explore the underlying
emotions. For some, the wish to die is tied to unprocessed
grief or the burden of living a lie. Therapy can involve a
symbolic "funeral" for these lost dreams, providing a path to
acceptance and new beginnings.
**Facing Death with Compassion**
Therapists must engage compassionately with patients
confronting death. Acceptance of reality, including the
inevitability of death, can provide peace. By allowing
individuals to experience their emotions fully, therapists help
them move toward a state of acceptance and connection with
what is essential in life.
**Conclusion**
The journey through death, both literal and metaphorical,
leads to profound self-discovery and authentic living.
Embracing grief and surrendering illusions prepares

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individuals to fully engage with life's truth. In doing so, they
find the potential for love, connection, and ultimately, peace.

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Chapter 5 Summary : Being the Opening
for Truth
**Chapter 5 Summary: Being the Opening for Truth**
**Embracing Openness**
Letting go of our lies cultivates an openness that transforms
our perceptions and dismantles barriers between ourselves
and reality. True attention allows for genuine dialogue,
breaking down personal defenses and leading to a deeper
understanding of ourselves and others.
**The Demand for Change**
Often, we seek to change our circumstances instead of
embracing the openness to change within ourselves. This
need for external change can manifest in unhealthy dynamics
in therapy or relationships, where we want others or
therapists to alter our experiences rather than accepting
ourselves as we are.
**Reality vs. Idealism**
People enter therapy seeking relief, often with an unrealistic
desire for radical transformation. This longing for an ideal
self prevents us from embracing our real, flawed selves.
Acceptance of our imperfections is essential for genuine
connection and healing.

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**Presence in Therapy**
To be effective, therapy requires us to stay present with our
true feelings. Experiences of loss, grief, and rage are
unavoidable, but they are integral to healing and
understanding who we really are.
**Facilitating Acceptance**
A therapist’s role involves accepting the patient's feelings
without pressure for change. This unconditional acceptance
encourages introspection and a willingness to confront one's
self-doubt, leading to deeper self-commitment.
**The Complexity of Listening**
Listening is challenging and necessitates vulnerability. We
often listen through our preconceptions, which hinders true
understanding. Genuine listening invites dialogue but
requires us to confront the possibility of being changed by
others.
**Negative Capability and Unknowing**
Flexibility in facing the unknown—described as negative
capability—is crucial. We must allow uncertainties in
relationships to unfold without forcing our assumptions upon
them. This acceptance leads to more authentic connections.
**Living with Questions**
Rather than seeking immediate answers to life’s questions,
we should embrace the uncertainties and complexities of our

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experiences. This process enriches our understanding of
ourselves and others, leading to deeper relationships.
**Letting Go of Illusions**
As we confront painful truths and losses, we learn to let go of
attachments to illusions and expectations. Embracing reality
allows for natural acceptance of grief and change, facilitating
emotional healing and a deeper capacity to love.
**Conclusion**
The journey toward openness and acceptance can be
uncomfortable, but it is essential for personal growth. By
confronting truths, both painful and beautiful, we find a
clearer path to understanding ourselves and our relationships
with others.

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 Chapter 6 Summary : Embracing
Section Summary

Chapter Overview Healing involves confronting uncomfortable truths about ourselves and our lives to
discover our authentic selves.

Whom Did I Marry? Recognizing that love requires accepting partners as they are, not as idealized fantasies,
is crucial for healthy relationships.

Is Love a Projection? True love goes beyond attraction and projection, embracing the complexity and inner
beauty of another person.

Why Do We Shout in Anger? Anger is a response to emotional distance, often hindering communication, while love
fosters closeness through understanding.

Relational Knowing Therapy should emphasize understanding individuals beyond their symptoms, fostering
reconnection with self and feelings.

What Is Relating in Therapy? Effective therapy engages with the person beyond their symptoms, promoting
self-compassion and addressing emotional wounds.

When We Do to Ourselves What Clients often perpetuate self-harm from past trauma; therapists should guide them
Was Done to Us toward self-compassion and healing.

Lies We Tell That Lead Us to Fail Clients must take responsibility for their healing and challenge self-destructive
narratives to foster hope.

You Will Always Be Greater Than True connection involves embracing individuals' mysteries and values, leading to
Our Understanding deeper relationships beyond labels.

**Chapter 6: Embracing**
To heal, we must confront the truths we avoid, both in our
inner feelings and in the outer realities of our lives. This
confrontation allows us to understand our true selves beneath
the lies we tell ourselves.
**Whom Did I Marry?**
The initial joy of falling in love can turn into disappointment
as we realize our partners may not match the fantasies we
created. The author shares his journey of recognizing that
love requires embracing reality, accepting flaws, and letting

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go of unrealistic expectations. Embracing our partner as they
are, rather than as we wish them to be, is essential for a
healthy relationship.
**Is Love a Projection?**
Love transcends mere attraction or emotional states; it is an
enduring connection that recognizes the inner beauty of
another person. The author argues that when we love
genuinely, we perceive our partners in their full complexity,
moving beyond objectification or idealization. Authentic
love cannot be reduced to projections or fulfilling personal
needs, as true love nurtures and reveals the other person's
essence.
**Why Do We Shout in Anger?**
Anger often results from emotional distance in relationships.
The author discusses the paradox of shouting: in anger, we
push others away while attempting to bridge communication
gaps. Love, in contrast, fosters closeness, often expressed
through whispers or silent understanding.
**Relational Knowing**
Therapy should focus on relational knowing, which involves
recognizing the individual beyond diagnoses and symptoms.
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individuals and
to reconnect
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with their feelings and sense of self, promoting healing and
growth. The author emphasizes the importance of meeting

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Chapter 7 Summary : Epilogue
**Epilogue**
The author reflects on a significant moment connected to the
memory of a breeze and the sounds of the past. This moment
symbolizes a duality of life and death, suggesting that each
person is like a window through which truth and awareness
can flow. Emphasizing the idea of openness and acceptance,
the author expresses that awareness is an intrinsic part of
who we are, rather than merely an action or state of mind.
**Acknowledgments**
The author expresses gratitude to those who contributed to
the book's development, including friends, family, and
mentors. Special thanks are given to his wife, Kath, for
teaching him the meaning of embrace and to others such as
Tony Rousmaniere and Peter Fenner for their support and
inspiration.
**Notes**
The notes section includes references and thoughts from
various chapters, highlighting influences and significant
works related to psychological concepts. Key figures in
psychology, literature, and philosophy are cited, addressing
themes such as love, awareness, and human nature.
**About the Author**

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Jon Frederickson shares his journey from working in a
blacksmith shop to becoming a professional musician, and
finally, a psychotherapist. His experiences in therapy led him
to pursue a career in mental health, emphasizing the
importance of personal agency over past trauma. A faculty
member at the Washington School of Psychiatry, he aims to
teach therapy with the same dedication his father displayed in
blacksmithing and his music teachers showed in teaching.
Frederickson invites readers to engage with him and share
their insights.

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Best Quotes from The Lies We Tell
Ourselves by Jon Frederickson with
Page Numbers
View on Bookey Website and Generate Beautiful Quote Images

Chapter 1 | Quotes From Pages 14-31

[Link] away from our feelings, we tell ourselves
more lies that create more suffering.
[Link] if what is 'wrong' in us points to what is right?
[Link] can bear the pain of life, but our psychological
suffering can be unbearable.
[Link] therapist stops us from running away from ourselves
so we can rest in reality.
[Link] heal, together we must embrace the formerly
unbearable: reality and our feelings about it.
[Link] we face the facts instead of fixate on the fictions, we
accept that our loved ones have good and bad traits just as
we do.
[Link] moment we are stunned, we can either let the truth in
or keep it out with our lies.

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[Link] are forms of love, invitations to embrace what is,
so the false can drop, revealing the real in you.
[Link] facing the facts of her life with her, I showed her that
she could face them too.
[Link] can continue to see others as 'wrong' and refuse to face
what is within us.
Chapter 2 | Quotes From Pages 32-57
[Link] lies we tell ourselves are invisible to us. That’s
why we need a therapist to help us see those lies
and the costs they inflict.
[Link] we grieve, we surrender to the truth that washes
away the false and leaves behind the real.
[Link] is optional. Experiencing heartbreak, we may use
defenses, the lies we tell ourselves to avoid the pain life
brings.
[Link] degree of our suffering equals our distance from
reality.
[Link] try to run away from our feelings, but we can never
escape who we are.

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Chapter 3 | Quotes From Pages 58-88
[Link] embrace our desires, we must hear our no to
others, the inner yes to ourselves, especially when
we don’t understand our no.
[Link] we are honest, he may say, 'You’re not listening to
me!' In response, we say, in effect, 'No, I am listening to
you, not to your lie.'
[Link] than admit what we have done, however, and study
our complaints to discover our inner life, we project our
problems onto others.
[Link] individuals devalue us, we must set limits to keep
our relationship from becoming a latrine.
[Link] is powerful; but the door must be open for love to
enter the house.
[Link] rejecting our feelings, we reject ourselves. We project
those feelings onto other people.
[Link] defense tries to kill our inner life or outer life.
[Link] stimulus and response, there is a space. In that
space is our power to choose our response.

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[Link] uncovers what is under the lies. Knowledge
is the food of the soul; lies are the poison.

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Chapter 4 | Quotes From Pages 89-100
[Link] live into the truth, we must “die before we die.
[Link] can anyone ever love us if they meet our facades
instead?
[Link] we embrace our pain, we experience therapy as a
kind of subtraction where we let go of the known (our
self-image) and walk into the unknown (what lives outside
our illusions).
[Link] do not die by choice, but we can choose to face our
feelings about it.
5.A dying life is not worth living.
[Link] if the wish to die is the first step in the journey?
[Link] do not give us insights but invite us to
experience the truth so insights can arise from within.
Chapter 5 | Quotes From Pages 101-122
[Link] we embody openness, our seeing, hearing,
feeling, and listening change, and with these
changes, the barriers dissolve between us and what
is.

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[Link] knows himself only to the extent that he knows the
world; he becomes aware of himself only within the world
and aware of the world only within himself.
[Link] should never consider ourselves as finished, complete,
or understood but as 'evolving, growing, and in many ways
as something yet to be determined.'
[Link] we ask others to change or ask others to change us in
order to stop the change already happening inside us, we
engage in a perpetual home renovation project with
ourselves.
[Link] if your flaws are just what is? You are not meant to
be ideal but real.
[Link] we stop running from reality and embrace it, we find
the freedom we are looking for.
[Link] became a form of target practice.
[Link] do not need to answer questions. We need to allow,
experience, and live the questions of life.
Chapter 6 | Quotes From Pages 123-150
[Link] heal, we must embrace the truths we avoid and

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 the feelings they evoke.
[Link] we love our story of who our spouses should be, we
try to give them the script.
[Link] never have a fight with a person but with what he or
she represents.
[Link] draws us in by what we cannot name or describe, but
only sense and feel—the otherness of the other.
[Link] love, we and our beloved are love itself. We are
responding to and from our depths, not to or from our
facades.
[Link] we give up on and forget another person’s essence, hope
dies.
[Link] person will always be greater than the theories in our
heads.
[Link] the choice of embracing people or our ideas about
them, we must always choose people.

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Chapter 7 | Quotes From Pages 151-159
[Link] of us is a window through which the truth
blows, and every gust of wind is another death.
This openness, this yes-ness: the surrender to what
is.
2.I learned that awareness is not what we do, but who we are.
Each of us is a window of awareness, the emptiness in
which the truth is revealed.
[Link] live in and as the mystery. We are the embrace.

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The Lies We Tell Ourselves Questions
View on Bookey Website

Chapter 1 | Something Is Wrong| Q&A

[Link]
What is the central theme of Chapter 1?
Answer:The central theme of Chapter 1 is about
recognizing and confronting the lies we tell ourselves
in order to avoid pain and suffering. It emphasizes
that by facing the truths of our lives, we can heal
and connect with our authentic selves.

[Link]
How do our lies impact our mental health?
Answer:Our lies initially may protect us, but over time they
become our greatest enemies, leading to increased suffering
and psychological distress. We often confuse our problems
with our own worth, thinking we are broken when in fact it is
our avoidance of truth that is harmful.

[Link]
What does the author suggest about the nature of

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therapy?
Answer:The author suggests that therapy should not be
viewed merely as a technique or technology for change, but
as a relational experience where both the therapist and patient
engage deeply with one another to uncover truths and foster
healing.

[Link]
Why is it important to confront our feelings according to
the chapter?
Answer:Confronting our feelings is crucial because they
point us to our truths and help us understand what we truly
desire in life. Avoiding our feelings only perpetuates
suffering, while embracing them can lead to growth and
self-acceptance.

[Link]
What example does the author provide to illustrate the
importance of accepting reality?
Answer:The author describes a mother who wished for her
autistic son to be 'normal.' Through therapy, she realized that

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clinging to this fantasy caused her pain, and by accepting her
son as he is, she was finally able to embrace and love him
fully.

[Link]
What message is conveyed through the story of the
recovering cocaine addict?
Answer:The story of the recovering cocaine addict illustrates
that feelings of guilt, shame, and sadness are signals of love
and responsibility. Her struggle pointed to her desire to care
for her children, revealing that her suffering was tied to her
deep-seated love rather than something intrinsically wrong
with her.

[Link]
How does the author redefine the perception of suffering?
Answer:The author redefines suffering as a powerful
message that points toward underlying truths and emotions
we often try to hide from. Suffering can serve as a catalyst
for growth, encouraging us to face and embrace reality
instead of running from it.

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[Link]
What role does mutual sharing play in healing according
to the chapter?
Answer:Mutual sharing is portrayed as essential for healing,
as it creates a supportive environment where both the
therapist and the patient can bear the pains together. This
shared experience fosters connection and alleviates the
burden of suffering.

[Link]
How can perception of others reflect our own internal
struggles?
Answer:The chapter explains that criticism we direct towards
others often mirrors unresolved issues within ourselves.
When we see someone as 'wrong,' it typically reveals our
discomfort with similar traits or feelings in our own lives.

[Link]
What might be the first steps in embracing our own
reality?
Answer:The first steps involve accepting our feelings as
valid, confronting the truths we have been avoiding, and

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recognizing the reality of our situations without attempting to
impose unrealistic expectations or fantasies.
Chapter 2 | How We Avoid the Truth of Our Lives|
Q&A
[Link]
Why do we tell ourselves lies?
Answer:To avoid the feelings that arise when we face
and embrace reality.

[Link]
What is the primary consequence of avoiding the truths
of our lives?
Answer:We suffer because we fight reality, a battle we
always lose.

[Link]
How can we begin to face the truths we avoid?
Answer:By allowing a therapist to help us see those lies and
the costs they inflict.

[Link]
What does the process of grieving reveal?
Answer:When we grieve, we surrender to the truth that

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washes away the false and leaves behind the real.

[Link]
What often causes our suffering in relation to our
desires?
Answer:Our attachment to fantasies about how we should be
loved, respected, or desired causes suffering.

[Link]
What path should we take to heal instead of running from
painful feelings?
Answer:Instead of running away, we should mourn and
embrace our feelings as part of who we are.

[Link]
What do addictions, such as food or alcohol, really signify
about our state of being?
Answer:They are not true addictions but a signal that we are
addicted to not being present in our lives.

[Link]
How does denial affect our relationships?
Answer:Living in denial can lead to neglect of relationships,
as it separates us from the reality of the feelings of others.

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[Link]
What is the danger of waiting for someone else to change?
Answer:While waiting for someone to change, we may miss
out on the life we have and fail to embrace the reality of the
person as they are.

[Link]
How do we often respond to loss or death in terms of our
fantasies?
Answer:We may deny the loss or wait for the fantasy life we
wish for, rather than face the truth of our reality.

[Link]
What does optimal hopelessness mean?
Answer:It is the recognition that our fantasized wishes
cannot change reality; we must let go and accept what is.

[Link]
What is a common misconception about grief?
Answer:People often view grief as something to 'get over'
rather than a necessary process of healing.

[Link]
How should we approach our negative feelings about

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someone or something?
Answer:We should recognize that feelings indicate our truths
and not dismiss them or demand others to conform to our
wishes.

[Link]
How can embracing our flaws lead to healing?
Answer:By accepting our humanity and the imperfections in
others, we foster connections and find healing within
ourselves.

[Link]
What does the idea of 'zero negativity' imply about
relationships?
Answer:It's a fantasy; in reality, we will encounter conflict,
and growth comes from accepting that rather than denying it.

[Link]
How can letting go of self-deceiving beliefs alter our lives?
Answer:When we release these beliefs, we open ourselves to
authentic relationships and experiences in life.

[Link]
What is the relationship between our demands of others

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and our own inner suffering?
Answer:Imposing our wishes on others often leads to our
own suffering, as we are caught in a cycle of unrealistic
expectations.

[Link]
What is the ultimate question we should ask ourselves
regarding our feelings?
Answer:Can we face and embrace our feelings instead of
running away from them?

[Link]
How does reality teach us about acceptance?
Answer:Reality reminds us that we must embrace our actual
situation rather than get lost in idealized fantasies.
Chapter 3 | The Refusal to Embrace| Q&A
[Link]
What does it mean to refuse to embrace the truths of our
inner and outer lives?
Answer:Refusing to embrace our truths means
ignoring or distorting reality in both our emotional
and external circumstances. This denial can

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manifest as self-deception, where we avoid
confronting uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, or
events in our lives. For example, we might project
our inner conflicts onto others, thereby avoiding our
own need to face those conflicts directly.

[Link]
How can a therapist help someone who is struggling with
self-deception?
Answer:A therapist facilitates the process of facing reality by
not colluding with their client’s defenses. Instead of
reinforcing lies or denial, the therapist encourages the client
to confront their inner truths through questions that provoke
self-reflection. This process may cause discomfort but
ultimately leads to healing and acceptance of oneself.

[Link]
What is the role of anxiety in recognizing our rejected
feelings?
Answer:Anxiety serves as a messenger, signaling the
presence of feelings we have repressed or avoided

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acknowledging. It indicates that there are parts of
ourselves—such as anger, sadness, or longing—that we are
not facing, urging us to return to those feelings and accept
them as part of our complete human experience.

[Link]
In what way can our relationships with others reflect our
inner conflicts?
Answer:Conflicts with others can often mirror our internal
struggles; for example, if someone is unable to express their
true desires, they might create unnecessary conflict with
those around them. This projection allows individuals to
avoid confronting their inner battles, such as feelings of
inadequacy or fear of rejection.

[Link]
How does 'psychosyrupy' empathy manifest in
therapeutic settings?
Answer:'Psychosyrupy' empathy occurs when a therapist
agrees with a client's distorted view rather than confronting
the underlying issues. This collusion may feel comforting but

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actually hinders progress by enabling self-delusion, as it
masks the painful truths necessary for real healing.

[Link]
What is the difference between truly listening to someone
and colluding with their lies?
Answer:Truly listening means engaging with the individual's
emotions and experiences honestly, without ignoring the
hurtful patterns or behaviors they exhibit. In contrast,
colluding with their lies involves empathizing with their
distorted perceptions, which can reinforce their denial and
prevent them from making necessary changes.

[Link]
How can embracing our rejected feelings lead to personal
growth?
Answer:Embracing the feelings we have ignored allows us to
integrate all aspects of ourselves, fostering acceptance and
understanding. This acceptance enables us to address the root
causes of our distress, leading to deeper self-awareness and
personal growth, as we learn to navigate our true desires and

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fears.

[Link]
What should one do when they find themselves projecting
their feelings onto others?
Answer:Recognizing the tendency to project feelings onto
others is crucial for personal insight. It is important to reflect
on the qualities we judge in others and explore how these
reflect our own denied feelings. This self-examination helps
unearth hidden emotions and paves the way for healthier
relationships.

[Link]
Why is it necessary to face feelings of disappointment in
relationships?
Answer:Facing disappointment allows us to analyze our
expectations and reality, helping us let go of fantasy and
embrace what is true. It reveals areas where we might need to
reassess our hopes, fostering resilience and the ability to
learn from our relationships rather than remaining stuck in
denial.

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[Link]
How can we address and resist the urge to devalue
ourselves or others?
Answer:To counter devaluation, it is vital to stand firm in our
self-worth and that of others. When feeling devalued, we
should assertively express our reality and challenge negative
perceptions, recognizing that devaluation often stems from
others' insecurities. Engaging in open dialogue about value
helps affirm relationships and nurtures a sense of community.

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Chapter 4 | Die Before You Die| Q&A
[Link]
What does it mean to 'die before you die' in the context of
therapy and life?
Answer:To 'die before you die' refers to the
experience of letting go of our illusions and false
selves. It involves confronting the realities of our
existence, including pain and denial, in order to
uncover who we truly are beneath the facades we
present to the world.

[Link]
How do facades prevent real love from entering our lives?
Answer:Facades create barriers between our true selves and
others, preventing authentic connections. Love requires
vulnerability and truth; if we hide behind false images, others
may never meet the real us, making genuine love
unattainable.

[Link]
What was the architect's initial reaction to the feedback
from her husband and her staff?

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Answer:The architect reacted with outrage and denial,
initially interpreting the feedback as persecution rather than
an opportunity for growth. She clung to her self-image of
perfection, unable to accept the constructive criticism
directed at her actions.

[Link]
Why is letting go of a cherished identity described as
painful?
Answer:Letting go of a cherished identity can be painful
because it challenges our self-worth and the image we've
constructed around ourselves. It requires us to confront
uncomfortable truths about our behavior and acknowledge
our imperfections.

[Link]
What role does grief play in the acceptance of our true
selves?
Answer:Grief allows us to acknowledge and mourn the loss
of our false selves, thereby clearing space for our true
identity to emerge. It facilitates healing as we come to terms

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with our realities and let go of illusions.

[Link]
How does the author illustrate the idea that death is
something we must accept rather than fear?
Answer:The author suggests that acceptance of death is
liberating, encouraging us to embrace life fully without the
burden of denial. Acknowledging that death is inevitable
allows us to live more authentically and meaningfully in the
present.

[Link]
In what way does the therapist facilitate healing for the
patient dealing with the loss of a fiancé?
Answer:The therapist helps the patient process his feelings of
betrayal and loss by holding a 'funeral' for the dead
engagement. This symbolic act allows him to grieve the loss
of his illusions and ultimately find peace by letting go of the
fantasy and accepting reality.

[Link]
What insight does the woman who considered suicide
gain through her therapeutic conversation?

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Answer:She realizes that her wish to die stems from her
disconnection from her true self and the unrealized life she
desires. By confronting her feelings, she discovers a longing
to live authentically rather than being trapped in a dead-end
existence.

[Link]
What is the significance of the metaphor of the salt doll in
relation to self-discovery?
Answer:The salt doll dissolving in the ocean symbolizes the
process of self-discovery through embracing vulnerability.
Just as the doll learns its true identity by merging with the
water, we discover our true selves when we confront and
embrace our realities and emotions.

[Link]
How does the concept of accepting death alter our
perspective on life?
Answer:Accepting death challenges us to prioritize
meaningful connections and authenticity in our lives. Rather
than engaging in futile pursuits to deny death, we are

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encouraged to confront our mortality, which can inspire us to
live more richly and fully.
Chapter 5 | Being the Opening for Truth| Q&A
[Link]
What is the significance of letting go of lies to embrace
truth?
Answer:Letting go of our lies allows us to become
more receptive to reality, breaking down barriers
between ourselves and the world. This process
transforms our perception, fostering deeper
connections and dialogue with those around us.

[Link]
How can attention be described as a form of openness?
Answer:Attention involves engaging fully with others
without the distraction of our own preconceptions. It invites
us to break free from our habitual thought patterns and
allows for true dialogue, akin to a form of prayer.

[Link]
What does it mean to be open to life rather than
demanding it to change for us?

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Answer:Being open to life entails accepting our experiences,
including discomfort or dissatisfaction, and recognizing that
true change occurs when we embrace ourselves and our
situations instead of expecting others or circumstances to
alter.

[Link]
How does self-acceptance relate to the ideal versus the
real?
Answer:Self-acceptance means embracing our humanity,
including imperfections, rather than striving for an
unattainable ideal. It highlights the importance of being real,
acknowledging flaws, and recognizing that pressure to be
perfect can lead to self-rejection and enduring
disappointment.

[Link]
What role does being present play in therapy according to
the chapter?
Answer:Being present involves engaging with one's current
feelings and experiences. It emphasizes the importance of

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experiencing emotions in the moment without the need to
change them, leading to therapeutic breakthroughs and
self-discovery.

[Link]
What does the term 'negative capability' refer to in the
context of understanding others?
Answer:Negative capability relates to the willingness to sit
with uncertainty and the unknown, accepting that we cannot
fully understand ourselves or others. It encourages openness
and patience in the discovery process of relationships.

[Link]
How can listening be a challenge, and what does it
involve?
Answer:Listening can be challenging because it requires us
to open ourselves to new perspectives, which may change
our understanding of ourselves and others. True listening
involves surrendering our preconceived notions to embrace
the reality of what someone else shares.

[Link]
Why is living with questions more beneficial than seeking

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immediate answers?
Answer:Living with questions fosters growth and allows us
to engage deeply with life's experiences. It encourages
exploration over definitive answers, enabling a richer
understanding of relationships and self.

[Link]
What is the relationship between suffering and the act of
listening as proposed by philosophers?
Answer:Philosophers argue that our suffering often stems
from a failure to listen—to ourselves and to others. The act
of listening is crucial for discovering deeper truths about our
fears, hopes, and connections with those around us.

[Link]
How do projections affect our relationships with others?
Answer:Projections distort our understanding of others by
imposing our fantasies or fears onto them. This leads to
misunderstandings and prevents us from truly connecting, as
we fail to see them for who they are.

[Link]
What can we learn from the metaphor of the river with

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respect to grief and acceptance?
Answer:The metaphor of the river illustrates that grief flows
naturally and cannot be forced. We must allow ourselves to
experience the emotions that arise with loss, moving through
them until we reach a place of acceptance.
Chapter 6 | Embracing| Q&A
[Link]
What is the importance of embracing our inner truths
and feelings in the healing process?
Answer:Embracing our inner truths and feelings
allows us to confront and understand our true
selves. It helps us move beyond the lies we tell
ourselves and the fantasies we cling to, ultimately
leading to personal growth and healing.

[Link]
How does falling in love with a fantasy affect real
relationships?
Answer:Falling in love with a fantasy can lead to
disillusionment when the partner doesn't fulfill unrealistic

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expectations. This disconnect causes disappointment, as we
often fail to appreciate our partner's true essence, leading to
conflict and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

[Link]
What does it mean to love someone as they are rather
than as we want them to be?
Answer:Loving someone as they are means accepting their
imperfections and flaws without trying to mold them into an
idealized version. This authentic love recognizes their
intrinsic value and beauty, fostering a deeper, more genuine
connection.

[Link]
Why is it detrimental to treat partners as objects or
commodities?
Answer:Treating partners as objects leads to a transactional
relationship, where emotional connection is replaced by
utilitarian views. This diminishes the depth of the
relationship, preventing true intimacy and understanding.

[Link]
What lesson can be learned from the concept that 'we

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never shout at a person but at the image we place upon
him'?
Answer:This concept teaches us that anger often stems from
our projections and expectations rather than the other
person's true actions or intentions. By recognizing this, we
can address our misunderstandings instead of escalating
conflicts.

[Link]
How can understanding our feelings lead to greater
emotional intimacy in relationships?
Answer:Understanding our feelings allows us to
communicate more openly and authentically with our
partners, thus generating a sense of closeness and trust. This
is essential for cultivating a loving and supportive
relationship.

[Link]
What is the role of hope in the therapeutic process as
described in the chapter?
Answer:Hope serves as a crucial component in therapy; it

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propels individuals toward personal growth. Even a small
flicker of hope can motivate individuals to engage actively in
their healing journey, transforming their outlook and
possibilities.

[Link]
How does the distinction between insights and outsights
impact personal understanding?
Answer:Insights involve a deep, personal understanding that
comes from within, while outsights reflect external opinions
or observations. Relying too much on outsights can hinder
genuine self-awareness and growth, underscoring the
importance of introspection.

[Link]
What can we do to avoid losing sight of the essence of the
people we love?
Answer:To maintain connection with the essence of our
loved ones, we must choose to embrace them wholly, free
from our preconceived notions and expectations. This
requires continued curiosity and openness to their evolving

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true selves.

[Link]
How does the text suggest we combat self-sabotaging
behaviors?
Answer:Combating self-sabotaging behaviors involves
recognizing and confronting our negative patterns and
self-hatred. Engaging self-compassion and accountability
leads to a healthier self-relationship and allows for real
emotional healing.

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Chapter 7 | Epilogue| Q&A
[Link]
What is the significance of viewing ourselves as windows
through which truth blows?
Answer:Viewing ourselves as windows implies
openness and vulnerability, allowing the truth and
experiences of life to flow through us. Just as a
window lets in fresh air and light, we must embrace
the truths of our existence, which often includes
accepting pain and loss. This openness can foster
awareness and understanding of our own identities
and the world around us.

[Link]
How can embracing awareness lead to personal
transformation?
Answer:Embracing awareness allows us to connect with our
inner self, leading to profound transformations. This
acceptance of what is can reveal the depths of our being and
encourage us to confront the lies we tell ourselves, ultimately

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guiding us toward authenticity and healing.

[Link]
What lesson about awareness can we learn from the
author’s experience of loss?
Answer:The author’s experience of losing his brother
highlighted the essential nature of awareness—it's not merely
an action we take, but rather a fundamental aspect of who we
are. This profound realization encourages us to be more
aware of our emotions and thoughts, recognizing that they
shape our experiences and relationships.

[Link]
How does the concept of surrender relate to personal
growth?
Answer:Surrendering to life's experiences can lead us to
acceptance and understanding. By yielding to what is, rather
than resisting life’s challenges, we allow ourselves to grow,
learn, and embrace our true nature.

[Link]
Why does the author express gratitude to various
individuals, and what does this say about the role of

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community in personal development?
Answer:The author’s acknowledgments reveal the value of
community and shared knowledge in personal and
professional growth. People who support us, critique our
work, or inspire us help shape our understanding and
abilities, reminding us that growth often occurs in connection
with others.

[Link]
In what ways can the ‘embrace’ be interpreted within the
context of therapy and personal relationships?
Answer:The ‘embrace’ symbolizes acceptance and
understanding, crucial for therapeutic practice and personal
relationships. It refers to creating a safe space where
individuals can explore their emotions openly, fostering trust
and connection which are essential for healing.

[Link]
How does the author’s background influence his
perspective on psychotherapy?
Answer:The author’s diverse background—working as a

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blacksmith, musician, and therapist—provides a unique lens
through which he views psychotherapy. His experiences with
hands-on craftsmanship and performance create a rich
metaphor for the therapeutic process, emphasizing the
importance of creativity, skill, and personal effort in
fostering change.

[Link]
What insights can we gain from embracing the mystery of
life as presented by the author?
Answer:Embracing life's mystery encourages us to
acknowledge our uncertainties and the complexities of
human experience. This perspective invites curiosity and
openness, fostering resilience and a deeper understanding
that not all can be controlled or predicted, which is essential
for personal growth.

[Link]
How does the author relate the act of writing to the
therapeutic process?
Answer:Writing serves as a therapeutic act for the author,

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akin to how therapists help clients navigate their thoughts
and feelings. It is a process of reflection and creation,
allowing him to explore, understand, and articulate his
experiences while also connecting with others through shared
insights.

[Link]
What does the author mean by stating that awareness is
both an embrace and a revelation?
Answer:Awareness as both an embrace and a revelation
suggests that being present in the moment allows for a deeper
connection to ourselves and others. It is through this
awareness that truths emerge, bringing clarity and
understanding that can lead to personal and communal
healing.

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The Lies We Tell Ourselves Quiz and
Test
Check the Correct Answer on Bookey Website

Chapter 1 | Something Is Wrong| Quiz and Test

[Link] often cope with life's pain by
acknowledging their lies, which leads to deeper
suffering.
[Link] is solely a technique for change and does not
require a relational connection between therapist and
patient.
[Link] that our dreams and expectations may not be
realistic can prompt healing and understanding.
Chapter 2 | How We Avoid the Truth of Our Lives|
Quiz and Test
[Link]-deception allows us to confront our painful
feelings without suffering.
[Link] should be seen as a negative problem that we must
overcome immediately.
[Link] healing involves confronting and accepting our

Scan to Download
 feelings rather than escaping from them.
Chapter 3 | The Refusal to Embrace| Quiz and Test
[Link] Chapter 3, it is stated that love alone is
sufficient to overcome personal barriers and heal
past wounds.
[Link] refusal to acknowledge inner conflicts can manifest in
the creation of external conflicts to distract from internal
struggles.
[Link] is defined in this chapter as a benign
manipulation that does not significantly impact others'
feelings or beliefs.

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Chapter 4 | Die Before You Die| Quiz and Test
[Link] therapy, it is important to embrace only the
physical death and ignore the metaphorical death
of our illusions.
[Link] one’s imperfections is crucial for personal growth
and genuine connection with others.
[Link] and clinging to a false identity can foster deeper
connections with others.
Chapter 5 | Being the Opening for Truth| Quiz and
Test
[Link] openness involves confronting our lies
and allowing genuine dialogue to take place.
[Link] typically enter therapy with a realistic desire for
radical transformation and acceptance of their flaws.
[Link] in therapy is simple and does not require
vulnerability or confrontations with our preconceptions.
Chapter 6 | Embracing| Quiz and Test
[Link] heal, we must confront the truths we avoid,
both in our inner feelings and in the outer realities

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 of our lives.
[Link] is merely an attraction or emotional state and does not
involve recognizing the inner beauty of another person.
[Link] therapy requires engaging only with the
symptoms of the person rather than their emotional
wounds.

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Chapter 7 | Epilogue| Quiz and Test
[Link] author believes that awareness is merely an
action or state of mind.
[Link] Frederickson expresses gratitude to his wife for
teaching him the meaning of embrace.
[Link] notes section of the book includes references to only
one field of knowledge.

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