COUNSELLING COUPLES THINKING

OF DIVORCE

Presented by,
Ashlin Baiju (msy407)
Aysha Fariha (msy408)
Second M.Sc Psychology
 What is Couple Counselling?
• Couples therapy is counseling for couples who are in a relationship, married or not. It's often
referred to as marriage counseling. The goal is to improve the couples' relationship, or
sometimes to help them decide whether or not they should continue staying together.
Although the focus is on the couple, there are times when the individual psychological issues
of one or both parties need to be addressed.

• Therapy often includes sessions designed to improve problem-solving, build communication

skills, and identify life goals and relationship responsibilities. Other common issues include
infidelity, anger, financial problems, illness, or other life changes.

• Depending on the level of distress in the relationship, therapy can be short-term or over a
period of several months or even years. While a licensed therapist can counsel couples,
marriage and family therapists specialize in relationship issues.
 What is Couple Counselling?
• Most relationships will get strained at some time, resulting in a failure to function optimally
and produce self-reinforcing, maladaptive patterns. These patterns may be called "negative
interaction cycles." There are many possible reasons for this, including insecure attachment,
ego, arrogance, jealousy, anger, greed, poor communication/understanding or problem
solving, ill health, third parties and so on.

• Changes in situations like financial state, physical health, and the influence of other family
members can have a profound influence on the conduct, responses and actions of the
individuals in a relationship.

• Often it is an interaction between two or more factors, and frequently it is not just one of the
people who are involved that exhibit such traits. Relationship influences are reciprocal: it
takes each person involved to make and manage problems.
 What is Couple Counselling?
• A viable solution to the problem and setting these relationships back on track may be to
reorient the individuals' perceptions and emotions - how one looks at or responds to
situations and feels about them. Perceptions of and emotional responses to a relationship are
contained within an often unexamined mental map of the relationship, also called a love map
by John Gottman. These can be explored collaboratively and discussed openly. The core
values they comprise can then be understood and respected or changed when no longer
appropriate. This implies that each person takes equal responsibility for awareness of the
problem as it arises, awareness of their own contribution to the problem and making some
fundamental changes in thought and feeling.

• The next step is to adopt conscious, structural changes to the inter-personal relationships
and evaluate the effectiveness of those changes over time.
 BASIC PRACTICES
• Two methods of couples therapy focus primarily on the process of communicating. The most
commonly used method is active listening, used by the late Carl Rogers and Virginia Satir.

• After 30 years of research into marriage, John Gottman has found that healthy couples
almost never listen and echo each other's feelings naturally. Whether miserable or radiantly
happy, couples said what they thought about an issue, and "they got angry or sad, but their
partner's response was never anything like what we were training people to do in the
listener/speaker exercise, not even close."

• Emotionally focused therapy for couples (EFT-C) is based on attachment theory and uses
emotion as the target and agent of change. Emotions bring the past alive in rigid interaction
patterns, which create and reflect absorbing emotional states.
 BASIC PRINCIPLES
• The basic principles for a counselor include:

1. Provide a confidential dialogue, which normalizes feelings

2. To enable each person to be heard and to hear themselves
3. Provide a mirror with expertise to reflect the relationship's difficulties and the potential and
direction for change
4. Empower the relationship to take control of its own destiny and make vital decisions
5. Deliver relevant and appropriate information
6. Changes the view of the relationship
7. Improve communication
8. Set clear goals and objectives
 With homosexual/bisexual clients
• Some experts tout cognitive behavioral therapy as the tool of choice for intervention while
many rely on acceptance and commitment therapy or cognitive analytic therapy.

• One major progress in this area is the fact that "marital therapy" is now referred to as
"couples therapy" in order to include individuals who are not married or those who are
engaged in same sex relationships.

• Most relationship issues are shared equally among couples regardless of sexual orientation,
but LGBT clients additionally have to deal with heteronormativity, homophobia and both
socio-cultural and legal discrimination.
 With homosexual/bisexual clients
• Couple therapy may include helping the clients feel more comfortable and accepting of same-
sex feelings and to explore ways of incorporating same-sex and opposite-sex feelings into life
patterns.

• Although a strong homosexual identity was associated with difficulties in marital

satisfaction, viewing the same-sex activities as compulsive facilitated commitment to the
marriage and to monogamy.
• A therapist must act flexibly and intelligently with couples, yet he or she is limited by
gender, cultural, and social experiences.

• Selected for discussion are common couple therapy issues that often elicit strong responses
from beginning therapists.
 Dealing with Infidelity
• Disclosure of an affair is a frequent catalyst for couple therapy

• Research indicates that women and men participate in and understand extramarital affairs
differently; women tend to engage in emotional relationships while men engage in sexual
ones, although this distinction is changing.

• Also, cross-cultural understanding of infidelity may help a therapist treat the couple more
effectively.

• A newer form of infidelity is termed “cyberbetrayal.” This type of infidelity is based upon
online activity that threatens the couple’s relationship. The behaviors can include online
infidelity, emotional involvement with potential partners, use of online pornography,
involvement in chat rooms, and secretly seeking out potential sexual partners.
 Dealing with Infidelity
• Two components seem evident in all forms of infidelity: (1) breaking the couple’s agreement
regarding sexual and/or emotional exclusivity, and (2) secrecy.

• A partner might react to an “emotional” affair as strongly as to a “physical” affair. The

therapist must understand the couple’s relational contract and the meaning of the breach of
the contract. Therapy could be hindered by not knowing about an affair.

• Thus, some therapists will ask privately if an individual is engaged in an affair. The risk,
however, is that the therapist will be triangulated by one of the partners into keeping the
secret from the other. Many marital therapists don’t believe that keeping secrets for very long
is clinically or ethically responsible behavior. Some choose always to see the couple together
and to disclose all information, including telephone conversations, to both partners.
Clinicians should be guided by their theoretical orientation and professional or ethical
judgment.
 Dealing with Infidelity
• If infidelity is identified or disclosed, a crisis intervention often needs to follow. Safety issues,
such as suicide risk, should be assessed and dealt with if necessary. Some couples consider
separating after the disclosure of the affair.

• Thus, therapy may need to review some of the pragmatics of life, such as addressing where
each partner will be living or sleeping over the next several days, practical care of children
and short-term finances.

• A therapeutic separation may be a reasonable response. After this, a clearer definition of the
problem can be made to determine if individual or couple therapy should be started. It may
be inappropriate to work on the couple’s relationship if the affair is continuing. Individual
work with a partner who is ambivalent about both marital and extramarital relationships
may be necessary before a commitment to couple work is made.
 Domestic Violence
• It is important that therapists assess all couples for domestic violence.

• The therapist must determine what type of violence is occurring in the relationship since it
has important implications for treatment.

• It may be possible to conduct couple therapy if the violence falls under the category of
common couple violence (sometimes also referred to as situation couple violence). If couple
therapy is pursued, it is important that there be a commitment to stopping the violence. If
both partners engage in any physical aggression, then both must commit to stopping these
actions.
 Domestic Violence
• The therapist must also encourage individuals to take full responsibility for their behavior
and recognize that violence cannot be part of a healthy relationship.

• One approach is to discuss with the violent partner how stopping the violence is in his (or
her) best interest. The therapist might identify, for example, how continuing the violence
damages the individual’s relationship with his or her partner, or puts the individual at risk
for police involvement.

• Encouraging couples to take time-outs when emotions rise is an important intervention.

 Domestic Violence
• Teaching individuals how to self-soothe may be necessary. A referral for anger management
is sometimes helpful to supplement the work being done in couple therapy. It is also prudent
to have a safety plan in place in the event violence reoccurs. Throughout treatment, you
should continually reassess if the couple has experienced any episodes of violence.

• If the violence falls under the category of patriarchal terrorism (sometimes referred to as
intimate terrorism or battering), most clinicians believe couple or conjoint work is
contraindicated. The goal at this point is to encourage individuals to seek the appropriate
treatment prior to doing couple work. For the violent partner, this may include doing either
individual therapy or group therapy for batterers. Victims of domestic violence should be
encouraged to develop a safety plan and seek out additional support or resources. Referrals
for shelters or legal aid may be necessary.
 Domestic Violence
• Moral, legal, and ethical concerns related to this issue must be well thought out by therapists
in order for them to respond professionally. For example, the therapist may have a legal and
ethical obligation to file a child abuse report if children witness domestic violence and it
leads to emotional or physical harm. Solid supervision must be available when a beginning
therapist first encounters this difficult and, sadly, all-too-common aspect of couple work.
 Sexual Difficulties
• The new therapist often assumes that because the couple doesn’t mention problems with sex
their sexual relationship is fine. Making such an assumption is a mistake. Many couples that
seek therapy are coping with sexual problems and may be waiting for you to ask about the
issue because they’re too embarrassed or uncomfortable to introduce the concern. A good
question to ask when you start your assessment of a couple’s sexual relationship is “How
does (presenting problem) affect your sexual relationship?” The more comfortable you
appear during this assessment, the more likely it is they will reveal the details of their
problems.
 Sexual Difficulties
• Ideally, it’s best to explore this history with the couple together and separately. The onset
and context of a sexual complaint should be explored so that contributing factors can be
clarified. For example, if a man states that he has little desire for sex with his partner, it’s
important to know if it’s a primary problem (no history of sexual desire) or a secondary
problem (positive history of sexual desire). In addition, does your client experience feelings
of desire in some situations (e.g., during masturbation), or is desire completely absent?

• It’s also important to check if clients are using alcohol, drugs, or prescribed medications that
might interfere with sexual functioning. The construction of a sexual genogram (Hof &
Berman, 1986) can also be helpful during assessment and treatment to understand sexual
beliefs, behaviors, and patterns from each partner’s family of origin.
 Sexual Difficulties
• Once you’ve completed your assessment of a couple’s relationship, you’ll have some
indication of the severity of their sexual issues. For most couples, their sexual problems will
comingle with other relationship problems, such as commitment, communication, and
conflict management. For other couples, their sexual difficulties will require more significant
attention and treatment.
 Gay and Lesbian Couples
• We want to highlight three issues. First, you need to consider the stress encountered by gay
and lesbian couples due to prejudice, discrimination, and marginalization in our culturegays
and lesbians have experienced violence related to their sexual orientation.

• A second consideration is the lack of clarity that sometimes exists in gay and lesbian
relationships. Unlike heterosexual couples, which have many socially and legally endorsed
ways to articulate their commitment to one another (e.g., legal marriage), gay and lesbian
couples are not afforded the same kinds of rituals to define their commitment.
• For example, families of origin frequently shun, distance, ignore, or attack couples
attempting to identify and honestly express their commitment, which can leave same-sex
couples isolated from broader family ties.
 Gay and Lesbian Couples
• A third consideration is the therapist’s personal comfort with love, intimacy, and sexuality in
gay and lesbian relationships, which Green and Mitchell (2008) consider the most important
prerequisite for helping same-sex couples.
 Same -sex couples in therapy: challenges, problems,
interventions, goals
 Structured Separations
• Structured separations may be used either as a possible couple therapy intervention or for
couples that are moving toward ending their relationship.

• A structured separation can be used as a cooling-off period when a couple is involved in

intense conflict that isn’t currently resolvable. Orderly separations are likely to be less
destructive than separations that are disorderly and not anticipated.

• Some partners will view any separation as “the end of the marriage” and will have great
difficulty with the notion that some structured time apart may be useful. Establishing clear
boundaries and negotiating times for contact will be helpful in lowering their anxiety.
 Structured Separations
• Expectations regarding visits, telephone contacts, dating, parenting, financial and household
responsibilities, and therapy need to be discussed. Specificity in establishing frequency of
contacts and who shall initiate the contacts might be necessary.

• Therapists need to process both the impact of the couple staying together in an unsatisfying
relationship and the family consequences of separation or divorce (Charny, 2006). Nichols
(1988) identifies three tasks for the couple involved in the decision to divorce and these same
tasks seem appropriate when working with a structured separation:

• 1. Accepting the reality that a separation/divorce is occurring (regardless of how or by whom

the decision is made).
• 2. Coping with the initial emotional/psychological reactions.
• 3. Performing the initial planning for the contemplated actions.
 Structured Separations
• The therapist can assist the couple in orchestrating the separation and accomplishing the
tasks identified by Nichols.

• It is typical for one partner to be asking for a separation while the other desires to stay
together and “work things out.” A prelude to a prolonged physical separation can be one of
the spouses taking a vacation or even structuring time apart. However, if one of the spouses
is adamant about insisting upon a separation, then the therapist can be a helpful mediator.
The therapist must be sensitive to each person’s concerns and avoid developing a coalition
with one of the partners.
 Structured Separations
• Evaluating the style and severity of conflict is necessary when working with couples who are
separating. If the conflict is severe and chaotic, then the couple should have limited contact
and possibly be instructed not to try to solve problems outside therapy, at least initially.

• If they’re less conflicted and able to spend time together in a congenial atmosphere without
quickly escalating into difficulties, then they might gradually increase the amount of time
they spend together.

• Spouses need to be able to adhere to the rules of the separation agreement and reestablish
trust in each other. If boundaries are violated, then that trust becomes difficult to create.
Consequently, rules and boundaries should be fair and realistic for both parties.
In conclusion
• Couple therapy can present several challenges for the
beginning therapist. Maintaining a balanced
relationship with both partners, building a
commitment to therapy if the couple has divergent
goals about the relationship, identifying the couple’s
cycle, and managing the couple’s affect are some of
the tasks required to do effective therapy with
couples.

• Domestic violence and infidelity can also present

challenges in doing couple therapy, and in some
cases, may be a contraindication for couple work.
However, couple therapy also offers rewards. Given
the importance that most people place on having a
loving and satisfy_x0002_ing intimate relationship
with another human being, helping couples achieve
this is especially rewarding
 References
• Patterson, J. E., Williams, L., Edwards, T. M., Chamow, L., & Grounds, C. G. (2009).
Essential Skills in Family Therapy (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press, New York, London.

• Payne, M. (2010). Couple Counselling: A Practical Guide. SAGE Publications.